#that’s the biggest issue for me bc when i was working i only could physically work part time and you don’t get benefits for part time

[woodsy-hoe]

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[anime-grimmy]

Sooo, as has been evident from me rambling so often about it, I’ve been reading a lot of Genshin fics lately (specifically Sumeru centered ones), and it is so funny to see how headcanons and AUs change between the releases of the characters. 

Ofc, this sticks out to me especially with Haikaveh cos Kaveh got released so late for showing up so early and ppl ran far with their ideas. One of the biggest theories was (and I think still kinda is) is that Alhaitham is or at least is linked to the Scarlet King bcs his eyes have the same shape as the eye portrayed in the Forbidden Knowledge cutscene.

After the quests came out where you find out about King Deshret’s and the Goddess of Flowers’ relationship, ofc ppl started to push Alhaitham and Kaveh in the respective roles, which, ngl, I totally vibe with. Even more so cos I can only image the Goddess of Flowers with Nilou’s kinda personality (since her outfit is supposed to look like the Goddess) and the thought of her reincarnation still being good hearted beyond believe, yet also a fucking idiot with anger issues is so fucking funny.

However, the theory I personally even more subscribe to, is that both Alhaitham and Kaveh, at least in an design aspect, represent the Scarlet King. I cannot by God find the one vid that talked about it, but they laid out a lot of design specifics that rly did make sense. This ofc, made me think a lot about it too.

Alhaitham could represent King Deshret’s mind and rational side, the part of him that made him a genius and good leader. As much as Alhaitham acts as if he sucks as a leader, which from a personality standpoint might be true, his abilities and critical mind say otherwise. Alhaitham is strategic and very wise for his age, but also curious and ambitious about the knowledge he seeks. He is not without fault either, as, despite him saying he acts only out of self interest, he still does act very arrogantly and above others.

Kaveh on the other hand shows King Deshret’s soul. Clever and curious in his own right, Kaveh seeks out knowledge not only to learn and understand but because his emotions drive him to reach for it. Kaveh has a bleeding heart and follows its voice more often than his mind’s, yet that makes him empathetic to people and care about them, which we know the Scarlet King was known for as well (caring for his people, that is). His emotions and self-sacrificial nature are his crux as well, though, and lead him close to his own downfall time and time again, much as it happened with King Deshret.

Both Alhaitham and Kaveh make up the body. As is evident how haywire the theories went when the Forbidden Knowledge quest came out, Alhaitham’s eyes bear a strong physical resemblance to Deshret’s supposed eyes. Not to mention, we know Deshret is often described as powerful, so I wouldn't be surprised if Alhaitham’s body build is part of that too. For Kaveh, in that one video I mentioned they said that Kaveh’s attire seems to represent some sort of royalty. Also, in a world quest, though I don’t remember which one (i think either aranara or djini) the NPC you travel with says the traveler reminds them of King Deshret, especially the golden hair, which ofc also works for Kaveh.

(Mind you, I havent dived that deeply into Deshret lore and I did zone out during the world quests often, so pls do correct me if I say sth stupid.)

So yeah, the two sides of the same coin. We already know these two have been designed as perfect mirrors to each other, in their ideologies, personalities all the way to their colour schemes, but with regarding the headcanon they’re both aspects of the Scarlet King, it’s also an interesting analogy to think it’s Deshret’s different sides clashing with each other. 

Yes, yes they’re basically the Left Brain Right Brain meme for King Deshret.

Also, as I’ve said, I’ve read my fair share of fics with the Scarlet King reincarnation, which is usually Alhaitham. I am honestly too lazy to write a whole ass fic about it, but you can bet your ass my mind has conjured up enough stuff to fill a few pages. To finally get it outta my head tho, I will just ramble here instead.

I personally don’t think that Alhaitham and Kaveh are reincarnations of Deshret, even though it’d make sense why his body and mind would be two separate entities, as he split himself to avoid spreading more Forbidden Knowledge. I see it more as the two being “blessed” with parts of his soul or something.

Ngl, the whole thing came to me during the one World Quest where you clear up the sandstorm above King Deshret’s Mausoleum and you get to this big platform on top. I dunno, it just looked so cool and it made me think of how this could have been a ritual site or something. So, perfect place for some foreign memories to invade your brain, no?

Also, you cannot tell me the Akademiya wasn’t frothing at the mouth when the Mausoleum finally became accessible. I’d assume they’d send research teams up there after the Traveler cleared the place, and it would seem logical for both Alhaitham and Kaveh to be interested in the place, their respective curiosities spurred by the fragment of Deshret inside them.

They and a small group of scholars take it upon themselves to scope the place out, and eventually end up at the top of the pyramid. Kaveh would marvel at such a grand stage so high up in the air, being able to see into the far reaches of the desert. But he also feels trepidation in his soul, though he brushes it off.

Alhaitham and him conduct their respective researches, Alhaitham jutting down any interesting runes and scripts he finds on the podium, while Kaveh sketches the many columns and the scenery behind, his mind running wild trying to understand how such impossible structures hold. But as he stands at the edge, looking out upon the empty desert with its many ruins, a thought pops into his head.

The desert should not be dead like this.

It’s then that Kaveh feels something shift inside him. Sensations rush over him, the sun beating down on him so differently than just moments ago, the air smelling not of sand and dust but of spices and flowers, the stillness of the desert filled with the distant rush of a city well lived in and people calling him yet not shouting his name.

Kaveh stumbles back to the middle of the podium, only for Alhaitham to meet him halfway. They stare at each other with wide eyes, stare at the other but seeing reflections of themselves. Kaveh bores into Alhaitham’s intense gaze, seeing the many questions and the fierce determination to solve each and everyone of them reflect in those piercing pupils of his, and thinks:

Only a gaze as steeled as mine is fit for a king.

Alhaitham roams his eyes over Kaveh, over his golden hair reflecting the sun, making it almost blinding to look at, over proud shoulders, pushed back to straighten his stance, over calloused hands, twitching in the need to create, and thinks:

Only a presence as loud and vibrant as mine can win over my people.

The spell is broken as fast as it had come when one of the scholars of their group asks for their assistance. Kaveh and Alhaitham busy themselves with helping out the rest of the research group for the remainder of the stay to not let those intrusive thoughts resurface and really just hope that it was some weird hallucination caused by the heat or dehydration or something.

Lucky them, it wasn’t.

And really, all this fancy dressing in the form of a story just to come to the one headcanon stuck in my head:  If both Alhaitham and Kaveh are the Scarlet King, and they were to inherit his memories, I believe they’d experience them differently.

Alhaitham would have tangible memories, thoughts that’d pop into his head unbridled. He’d see the tension between Desert folk and the people of the forest and think “This is not what we fought for.”. He’d run across Cyno, discuss matters of the Akademiya with him and think “As competent and loyal as ever, just as is to be expected of my General.”. He’d meet with Nahida and think “No matter the shape she takes, her wisdom remains the same.”.

Kaveh on the other hand would experience the memories with sensations. He’d witness a fight between the matra and Emerites and be transported to a battlefield, as countless shouts and clanking metal were heard while the unmistakable taste of blood sat heavy on his tongue. He’d look at scholars disassembling a Primal Construct and his hands would itch for his tools while his heart sped up in excitement, even if Kaveh knew his knowledge of such machines was limited. He’d watch Nilou dance in the Grand Bazar and almost buckle under the mix of elation, yearning and unfathomable grief that overtook him.

(it would also be funny the other way around, as in, experience the memories with the parts “missing” from them. Though Kaveh, being the overthinker he is, would have an easier time cos his head is filled all the time with thoughts anyways. Alhaitham would have a real crisis though lmao)

At the end of the day they’d come home to each other, stand face to face and stare into a mirror of themselves, all the while the edges would start to blur and it’d become increasingly difficult to know where one of them started and the other ended.

I dunno where I’d even go with this story, in all honesty. I personally don’t like the kinda fics where King Deshret actually “awakens” and either takes over or integrates into the person he wakes up as. I think I’d push a story like this more into the territory of this experience making the two learn more about themselves and each other. As in, since they both “derive from” the same person, even if they’re steadfast in their own beliefs, they’re kinda forced to actually see from the other perspective as well. While this would probably lead to even more arguments, I believe it’d also manage to blunt their edges and while they still can’t agree with each other, they understand and therefore don’t always go on the defensive with counter points at the ready. 

Tho, if both are considered King Deshret, would that count as self-cest.

[cafeinthemoon]

King - Chapter IV

Chapter 4

Wordcount 3,8k

Title Your Voice

Fandom Shuumatsu no Valkyrie / Record of Ragnarok

Previous chapters

1 . 2 . 3

Symbols ⭕ . ➕ . 🖤

Warnings: mentions of nudity; mentions of pain/aching and physical discomfort; slightly angsty and tense tbh

Tagging @cloveradora @the-dumber-scaramouche @mikkies @sl33py-zer0 @nooneknows8976 (If you want to be tagged in any of my stories, just leave a comment on this chapter or send an ask or a message)

N. A.: I still didn't talk about it, but the notes in Italic that preceded Chapter I and the current Chapter are actually lessons from reader's mother, most of them taught during reader's childhood. They are based on her mother's personal experience as a woman and her views on marriage and parenthood, which will be explored in the future, since they're deeply connected to the reasons why reader became Poseidon's wife. Reader's mission in the Kingdom of the Seas is obviously more than survive: as she learns about life and the rules of her new house, she will find opportunities to proof her mother's views right or wrong, as well as to discover secrets about her mother's past that might affect her future.

Also back with this gif bc I love it sm 🥰

They know they cannot tame us completely, so they invent ways to keep us locked. The first thing they do is to turn you into a wife. The second is turn you into a mother. The less time you have to think and to learn, the less power you have over yourself, and so is the will to speak for yourself. When you reach this point, it is over for you. When a woman wants to escape this, she often submits to craziness, sorcery or crimes, but none of these will grant her happiness, or so my experience says. On the other hand, being tamed and silenced will not make you happy either.

Do you remember what we, merchants, always say? Our voice, when well used, can be more precious than the gold we trade. Understand this, child: a woman’s voice is her freedom, and her freedom is gold. To protect your freedom, you must to learn how and when to use your voice.

I’m drowning. I’m in the depths of the ocean, and I can’t get out.

As the King of the Seas was making you his, this was the only thing you could think of.

The indigo curtains, seen from the canopy’s interior, were turned black to your blurry sight, and the size of the mattress made it impossible for you to reach their edges; the sheets, slipping under your body like silk, were cold when you first touched them, but now the heat of the activities over them went through the fabric, and you felt them clinging to your sweaty skin at each movement.

He was now using his legs to keep yours in place, and as one of his hands held your left arm, the other kept a firm grip on your waist, maintaining the closeness while he used his lips on your mouth, your chin and neck. You could hardly move on your own, but it wasn’t like you needed it: Poseidon considered that most of the work was supposed to be done by himself, and in the name of his pride he would insist on it even when you were willing to do your part. Not that he was brute or was unsure of what to do, of course – he knew exactly how to be good to his woman, quickly discovering where to touch and where to caress, taking the best out of you – but he was a god, and god’s ego was unparalleled.

I’m drowning, and he won’t let me reach the surface.

However, as much as his experience and boldness made everything special, this was also the biggest issue of this union: compared to him, you were frail and small, so your limbs succumbed before his strength and your body found hard to follow his pace after little time; with the weight of his body over yours, the steamy air barely filled your lungs, and his grip made it impossible for you to do things such as raising your hands to touch him.

Still, you watched your desire for him grow, so you wanted, you expected him to carry on: the taste of his lips had you addicted, and his scent on your nostrils was intoxicating. Like someone caught in the middle of strong waves, who finds a curious, new pleasure in their crashes against their skin, you found yourself wishing to see him crush, tear you apart, take everything out of you until there was nothing left.

I’m drowning... but I don’t want to escape.

This thought had you scared when it crossed your mind. You supposed that this was what people called a god’s enchantment, the reason why many couldn’t say no to become their lovers, to have their children or even to die or to be cursed for their sake.

This is how he keeps so many of us under his control, then.

Now you were gasping for air, your eyes burning with tears, and your body started to ache. Poseidon had his hands on your hips now, keeping you in place as he kissed your cheek. If you didn’t want to get hurt, you would need him to go easier, but would him hear you for a second time? Would you be testing his patience with this?

For the sake of your well-being, you decided to risk.

– P-Poseidon-sama… – you whispered, your hands on his shoulders – I can’t breathe…

For a moment, you thought he didn’t hear you, but you sighed in relief when he stopped at last, taking his chest off yours. Your lungs were immediately filled with hot air, and for a moment you were unable to speak.

– Look at you – you felt his fingers brushing your hair away from your sweaty forehead – So fragile that I could break you if I kept going… It is even pathetic…

You bit your lip to avoid an irritated reaction: yes, you weren’t expecting a formal apology for the state he put you in, but blaming you for it was too much. He laughed, as if your anger was too cute for him to take it seriously, and sat on the bed, taking you with him and adjusting you on his lap; your legs ached a bit, but at least you could breathe freely now. You leaned your hands on his shoulders as to seek for balance, and his hands kept a strong grip around your waist, guiding your body as he continued to make love to it.

– Still, I cannot help it – you felt his tongue on your cheek, where a single tear rolled through, wet and warm against your skin – Your flesh is softer… Your scent is more delicate… Your taste is sweeter… – he grabbed your thigh, pulling you tighter against himself; your muscles ached, making you moan – If I was a human like you, I would say you would be the death of me…

Those words aroused and surprised you at the same time.

In the beginning, by everything you’ve heard about Poseidon’s disposition towards your people, the fact that you were chosen to become his wife was just senseless; however, what he was doing, what he was saying now revealed a side of this story that you’d never suppose to exist. Was he as drawn to the human fragility as he claimed? Or was it the very reason why he rarely brought humans to his domains? This second hypothesis was easier to believe now that you were finally with him.

And if that was the case, your privilege – your luck – of still being alive was greater than you could imagine.

You felt his palm on the back of your head, his fingers slipping through your hair as he started murmuring in your ear, his lips brushing on it and making you shiver.

– Would you like it, little dragonet? If I said I would die because of you? – he kissed your lobe – Playing with your words, saying these absurd things about dying for each other… I have heard mortals enjoy it… But what about you? – and, since you didn’t reply, – Why are you so quiet?… Won’t you give me an answer? Hm?

You mumbled a negative reply, and he chuckled, his hot breath warming your skin.

– You do not like it? – his grip on your hair increased, keeping you in place – Liar.

– I’m not…! – you had the nerve to talk back – I’m not lying, my Lord…!

Instead of getting angry, Poseidon laughed at this: apparently, your frail attempts of denying him were really entertaining.

– Oh, no? – you felt his hands caressing your lower back, pulling you to him, his lips brushing over yours as he spoke – Then why your body says otherwise?

You bit your lip, refusing to reply because, in fact, you weren’t in conditions for this: the mere thought of having a powerful god at your feet, trading his life for you like a mortal man, was an audacity by itself, even more exciting when he put it in words. But you didn’t enjoy the sensation of having your fantasies exposed and scrutinized by him, so you avoided arguing, limiting your voice to gasps and tiny moans.

How did I end up this way? There’s a part of myself I don’t want him to reach... Still, my body desires him, to the point of making me think I would devote myself forever to him if I could… that’s so unfair...

Your heartbeats grew faster as hot tears fell through your face, and you threw your arms around him, hiding your face on his shoulder when your apex finally came.

However, it lasted longer than you expected: even though he noticed you were on your limit, Poseidon carried on for a while, only stopping when he has taken everything he could from you. By the end of it, your body was covered in sweat and your limbs were trembling, so that the only thing you were able to do was to stand still, panting.

He laid you down on the mattress, but didn’t take the spot by your side: he kept sitting on the same place, as you felt his eyes observing your exhausted form. Your ankle was tickled when he caressed it with his fingertips.

– I suppose you are not able to take more than this for now. So, stay there and rest – he spoke more to himself than to you; in his voice, you sensed a mixture of diversion and disdain for your state – But even when you are a tiny, delicate human, you resisted well, dragonet. You are a really entertaining creature. Bringing you here was a wise decision.

You were hearing all of this, of course, but being too tired to open your mouth or even to think of a response, you just stood quiet. If Poseidon thought you were already sleeping, you couldn’t tell, but he fell silent with the complete absence of your voice. Moments after, you noticed a pressure on the mattress, as if he was moving away from you, and the sound of the curtains being opened confirmed that he was going to leave you there alone.

***

You woke up in a startle and realized you were laying on the same position you were left on the bed. The curtains were closed, and everything was quiet inside them. You had no ways to be sure of how long you’ve slept, but you supposed it has been just a few minutes, because you didn’t notice any numbness or ache on the side of your body upon which you laid. You moved to the other side…

And startled when you found Poseidon lying there too. Your first impulse was to move away from him, but the possibility of him waking up and pulling you back to himself refrained you, so you first tried to make sure he was asleep: you didn’t even know if gods needed to sleep, but he was so quiet, his breath so slow and deep, that you were almost convinced that they did. You raised your hand and touched his chest, sensing it moving up and down to his breath, but no reaction came from him.

You moved your hand away, relieved, and tried to distance your body from his… but his voice, low and composed, stopped you midway.

– I am awake, if this is what you want to find out – you sensed the mattress being pressed as he moved on his side – And I would appreciate if you stopped trying to escape. You will return to the lodge, but only when I decide.

Before you could do anything, you sensed him stretching his arm and grabbing you by your waist, pulling you back and laying you upon himself. You shivered when you noticed he was still undressed, but stood quiet, your head resting on his chest, his arm wrapped tight around you. For a moment, you were afraid he would suffocate you again, but you were left at will.

You thought he would engage in a conversation after making you stay with him, but he just stood as silent as before: apparently, he had no interest in building any form of relationship with you through talking, but wanted to keep you as a living belonging, one that he could touch, smell and sense around him whenever he could, just as he was doing now: while he had one arm folded behind his head, the other one was around you, his hand tracing circles on your back, his fingers sometimes playing with your hair.

Your chest ached with that. If you were married to someone you knew well, and whom you had enough time to love, you would be in a peaceful, ecstatic state at that very moment. But, after being dragged to a room under the ocean to lie with someone you only knew by name and who wasn’t even human, there was no way for you to feel in peace now.

A lump appeared in your throat, and you tightened your lips and eyes to avoid crying, but when you noticed, your cheeks were wet and clingy, and you started trembling. You tried to contain your restlessness, but all your efforts were in vain, and none of this went unnoticed by Poseidon, who inquired you with a sort of annoyance.

– What is it?

You gathered all your strength to not sob and replied that you were just sore.

– Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

And, without waiting for a response, he took you out of the canopy, carrying you in his arms to another section of the room.

***

You went through a door that was invisible from the room’s entry, but easily detected when you left the bed. This door was similar to the one of the entry, but narrower, and it led to a corridor with cold, white lights and blue walls. By the end of it, there was what you supposed to be a bathing area, but you couldn’t see any shower or bathtub anywhere: it was just the floor and the walls decorated with small tiles that formed mosaics representing episodes of marine wildlife, from small creatures being swallowed by colossal predators to elegant beings playing, wandering and making love to each other. You were wondering why would someone want this last activity to be represented inside their house when Poseidon put you down and stepped away from you.

You passed your arms upon your chest and thought of asking what was going on when you saw him snapping his fingers, and the last thing you knew was your sight being covered by jets of warm water coming from all possible directions, making you protect your eyes as they cleaned your body entirely.

Heavens, if he wants to drown me, he could just say it out loud.

You closed your lips tight to avoid swallowing water, and after what seemed an eternity, the showering finally ended. With a sigh, you rubbed your face and blinked until your view got clear again. You were twisting your hair to take out the excess of water when Poseidon approached you and held you in his arms again; you tried not to look at his face, in order to avoid finding a new sign of disappointment in it.

You crossed a second door on the opposite side of the one through which you entered that area, and this time you entered a wider, lighter room that reminded you of a bathing house, with a rectangular water tank in the middle of it, so large that it looked more like a pool than a bathtub; the walls and the edges of the tank were of a rosy white, with delicate patterns of sea weeds and small fishes, and the water’s surface, trembling with ripples that reflected their shade, as well as the light descending from above, from what you supposed to be hidden lamps. All around you, the murmur of the streams falling from four spouts, one at each corner of the tank, worked to calm your moods as much as the lights.

One of the sides of the tank had three or four stairs carved on it that led to the water’s interior. Poseidon stopped in front of them and put you down, leaving you on the first stair as he went to a corner where you saw shelves of bottles in many sizes and shapes, something similar to what you found at the bathing area where Kenya and Yua took care of you earlier. He stretched his hand and grabbed one bottle on the top of a shelf, then a second on the one below it, then brought both with him.

The first bottle’s content reminded you of a pink, vibrant dust, and the second one was of pure white, like the expensive sugar you used to see at the tables of your father’s rich clients. Poseidon opened the bottles (their covers were attached to them) and poured a bit of each one on the water. He went back to put them in their previous places as you observed the color of the water change to a darker shade of pink, and a soothing fragrance came up from it as the dusts blended with it.

Once again, he came back and took you with him as he walked into the water.

The tub wasn’t really deep: on the opposite edge, in front of the stairs, the water reached Poseidon’s knees, which you supposed to be a bit above your own, and when he sat with you on his lap, the water covered your chest.

– What were those things that you poured on the water, Poseidon-sama? – you asked while observing your surroundings.

– Healing salts – he moved the strands of your hair away from your back, leaving your skin exposed – They will work on your pain and tiredness.

You didn’t reply, and he started taking small amounts of the water in his palms and pouring them on your skin, then massaging the wet areas: first, he caressed your back and shoulders, then spent a brief moment on your neck; he then made you uncross your arms and took care of them, and while you looked at his hands working, you startled when you saw the amount of reddish marks all over your body; still, you didn’t interrupt him. Your chest and your breasts were not forgotten, as he stroked them with his palms and gave special attention to your nipples, were the ache was deeper.

Since your thighs and legs were under the water, the effect of the salts reached them faster, still your husband took more time to take care of them: adjusting your position on his lap, he separated your legs and spent the next minutes caressing them, even more in the space between your thighs, where your muscles were more sensitive.

When Poseidon called those products “healing salts”, you supposed it was just a poetic name for common bath salts, which use was limited to cosmetic and relaxing properties, but as you sensed the pain ceasing with the massage and the warm water moving around you, as well as the subtle perfume of the salts entering your nostrils, you understood his words as a literal explanation. When you noticed, you were already feeling your eyes heavy, and, without warning, your head fell forward, and you only had time to sense him bringing it to his chest before the consciousness left you for the second time.

When you woke up, you were on the same place, and the water was still warm. You blinked and moved, trying to straighten up on your husband’s lap.

As soon as you did it, you heard his voice.

– I thought I would have to wake you up, dragonet – he brushed your hair, starting to dry, away from your shoulder – Usually, these salts just work on the pain and the superficial wounds on one’s body, and even to calm one’s mood, but they are strong enough to put a human to sleep.

You didn’t reply. He continued to speak, not letting it clear if he was talking to you or to himself.

– Each moment that passes, you find a new way to surprise me with your frailty – he chuckled – It is been a while since I allowed you to enter my domains, but you are still as tricky as in the old times. However, I am starting to enjoy the stressful mission that is taking care of you.

No word came out from your mouth in response, but you replied in thoughts.

If it’s so stressful, why did you bring me here in the first place?

If Poseidon was able to guess what you were thinking, you didn’t know, but he might have had a clue, judging by what he said to you next.

– You are always so silent. Is this shyness, or are you just not willing to share your thoughts with your husband?

That time, something grew inside you and gave you the courage to speak. You looked into his eyes – something that was even harder to do now that you were seeing his eyes under a clear light.

– If I told you everything that’s inside my mind, my Lord... Would you still keep me alive?

You noticed his right, golden eyebrow raising as he kept his glare over you for a moment, forcing you to look away. You felt his hand approaching your neck, his fingers crawling through your skin, making impossible for you to tell if he was just caressing you or if he was going to suffocate you.

– Why don’t you go ahead and speak your mind to find out?

You swallowed. If those were the conditions, you were better keep your mouth shut.

Poseidon laughed.

– Clever girl – his hand left your neck and held your chin, making you approach him; he gave you a long, warm kiss on your temple – Knowing when to talk and when to keep quiet is a beautiful virtue, and you seem to have mastered it. How did you do it?

Was it an invitation for you to tell him about your origins or past life? If that was the case, you would have to do it carefully: if his servants were able to find your house and deliver his message to your father, he must have been informed about details of your routine or homeland and was now testing your capacity of revealing and hiding things.

Not having much choices, you opted for an honest answer.

– I come from a family of merchants, Poseidon-sama. There is a saying among us: our voice, when well used, can be more precious than the gold we trade. In my house, we take this very seriously.

You observed the corners of his lips curl into a satisfied smile.

– It is good to hear that, dragonet. It means that there is at least one lesson I do not need to teach you.

Chapter 5

[corcnaiism]

;-- just bc i won't be able to properly write prompto's modern verse completely and in a grammatically correct manner any time soon, ima just post a plethora of bulletins of important info. prompto's modern verse pt.1 :

prompto comes from the outskirts of insomnia where all the shady stuff happens. crime and poverty are the biggest issues of the area.

his parents were drunkards, never married, unfaithful, and only kept prompto for the extra money given to them by the system to "raise him". they used very little of the money for him and the rest for themselves. the dad worked as a construction worker and the mum was a stay-at-home "wife". the two were usually always away from home or passed out drunk, leaving poor baby prompto alone. it was a miracle he survives as he was neglected to all hell and only given the minimal effort to keep him alive.

prompto suffered from poor eyesight at an early age, but his parents never bothered to get him prescription glasses.

once prompto was old enough, the parents immediately sent him off to school as they didn't want to deal with a toddler at home. bc of how disconnected he was from his parents, prompto had learning difficulties as he could not communicate properly with others. luckily, his teachers were very helpful and caught him up, especially his homeroom teacher who remained the same throughout his kindergarden-3rd grade years. the parents never attended to any school related events, even parent-teacher conferences.

eventually, his dad would leave him a weekly allowance for him to use to buy himself food since his mum wouldn't bother cooking for both of them, and they didn't want to deal with a deceased child on their conscious. there were times his allowance would get stolen from him by his mum who desperately needed alcohol, and prompto quickly learned to hide his money and other personal belongings away. at some point, he would give up eating for a day in order for him to buy himself a pair of reading glasses. it still wasn't enough but better than not being able to see much.

due to their intoxication, his parents were abusive towards each other and prompto. they would yell, throw things, punch walls, and physically beat each other. this lead to prompto developing severe ptsd to the sound of screaming, other loud noises, and touch. he would also learn to wear long sleeves and pants to cover up bruises and cuts he'd receive from physical altercations with his parents bc he didn't want to be called "ugly" by others.

prompto favorite place throughout his youth was school, mainly bc it was the only other place he could go that didn't cost money for him to exist for a couple of hours. he may had trouble with his academics, but the drive to learn was there thanks to his homeroom teacher who encouraged him every step of the way. she was also the reason why he got into music early on, simply bc she found him eating lunch in the music room.

prompto grew a fascination with playing the piano when his homeroom teacher began teaching him. unlike his studies, he was a very quick learner when it came to playing instruments and shortly, he'd be performing in the school's talent shows. it didn't take long before he also picked up guitar and singing. due to the control he had with the sounds coming from the instruments and his voice, prompto found a means to cope with his ptsd and turn it into something soothing.

his homeroom teacher gifted prompto his very own keyboard piano for him to practice at home for his birthday, but he was hesitant to accept it due to fear of how his parents would react. his teacher insisted and said she would speak with his parents about it, so they wouldn't think otherwise, but that also was a big no from him. nonetheless, she drove him home that day and introduced herself to his dad who was the one who opened the door. he was already wasted when they got there, pissed off to all hell. his dad exclaimed they didn't need "charity" or "hand-me-downs" and yelled at her to leave. but his homeroom teacher urged to let prompto take this gift and explained how talented he was with the piano and other aspects, but the dad didn't want to hear any of it and flew off the rails by smashing the keyboard right in front of her face. this triggered red flags within the teacher and grew worried over prompto's state of being living in such an abusive household. she wanted to take prompto away but knew it would only cause more trouble, so she decided to leave and would call the authorities later. however, she had only been able to set one foot away when prompto's dad got so bothered by her presence and suspected she would call the cops on him, so he grabbed the nearest gun he had stored up and shot her point blank, killing her instantly. prompto had been there the entire time and witnessed everything, worsening his trauma. it only got worse when his dad dragged both him and his teacher's corpse to his truck and drove them to a secluded area in the middle of nowhere. his dad threw a shovel at prompto and forced him to bury his teacher which he pleaded against it but was beat in response, so he had to with tears rolling down his face. his dad threatened to kill him too if he ever said a word to anyone, so for years poor prompto kept his mouth shut in utter fear for his life. for further erasure of the crime, the dad wrecked the vehicle his teacher had drove in and dumped it in the largest body of water closet to insomnia. the cops never had a lead for years.

prompto's mum would die a year later due to alcohol poisoning. he found her laying on the bathroom floor and tried to save her by calling an ambulance, but he had been too late. his dad never cared.

due to heartbreaking tragedies taking a heavy toll on him, prompto's health declined dangerously. some days he would eat too much, some days he wouldn't eat at all. some days he would sleep all day, and some days he wouldn't be able to sleep a wink. this was where his weight issues began, being overweight. he would miss school occasionally bc it reminded him too much of his teacher, but he wouldn't miss a lot as he didn't want to be around the house when his dad was there, and he'd get a beating if the school called his dad, and he'd find out he had skipped school.

when prompto did go to school, his grades were poor, and he'd spend a lot of time in the music room where his deceased teacher used to spend the afternoons with him. his love for music had withered away since her passing, but it would eventually spark again when he wanted to play her a song on the piano in hopes that she would be able to hear it, as a means to give her a funeral of his own. he felt as though she would want him to continue with what she had praised him so much for, and he wanted to honor her wishes. with everything he played up till present time, she was always on his mind, dedicated and thanked her with each song he played.

entering middle school, prompto dealt with a lot of bullying for his overweight problem from students and his dad alike. seeing as how he was unable to run away or have the agility to dodge punches coming his way, he decided it was best to start dieting and working out in order to be able to defend himself bc he was tired of constantly taking it. it was a tedious and difficult journey as he would relapse several times whenever something triggered him, but he kept at it as he really wanted to do better, and he could feel himself getting better whenever he would follow routine. he decided to record his progress using throw-away cameras he'd buy with his saved up allowance and taking pictures of himself to see the changes he'd make. that was when his fascination with photography kicked in as he found it motivational to see the past and the present and compare them, liking the idea that he can capture a moment of time with a simple click. shortly, and when he would have extra film rolls, he would begin taking pictures of things he found interesting and began his own collection. he still has his old albums up till present time.

[diorgirl444]

Hii Flo! How are you doing? I was wondering if i could maybe have a marauders/or slytherin boys fanon relationship matchup?

My name is Layla(pronounced leyla)and im 5'4

Appearance: my height is pretty average, hourglass figure sort of. Im quite pale and i have brown curly hair to a little lower then my collarbone. I have brown eyes, i have chubby cheeks which i love, my cheeka are usually slightly blushed necause i get cold alot. I wear mostly neutral colors such as black, grey, white and brown/beigh. I'm half swedish and half algerian. I have long eyelashes. I have a softer body type, such as a softer tummy snd all that, which again, i love

Hobbies: my biggest interested/hobby is definetly art. I absolutely love drawing and creating stuff. I usually draw stuff that ive seen irl or in my dreams because i have quite vivid dreams. I love music aswell, I've been singing my whole life and writing songs is something i love, the art is my main hobby though. I also like going for walks, i live in a small village so going out and sitting somewhere quiet whole drawing is amazing. I listen alot to arctic monkeys, david kushner, The Neighbourhood, the cramps, the Smiths, one direction. I gym alot, about 6 times a week.

Personality: i am an INTJ-T, i like being alone. I have a few close friend that i hang out with every now and then, i'ma decently closed off person, very few people know alot about me. I have anxiety and daddy issue(not trying to be quirky or sum shit i just have a shitty relationship w my dad) I'm usually very quiet. I'm a leo sun, scorpio rising and aquarous moon. It sounds weird but I'd consider myself quite a submissive person if that make sense? Im just natrually a quiter, nore submissive individual. I've never really been a person that does too well in school subjects such aas math, becahse logical subjects where theres only one answer, has never been my thing. I don't like admitting it but deep down im very self conscious, even though i kind of always seem like a confident person. I'm both introverted and extroverted, i can be very loud at times and i strugfkr with regulating the volume kf my voice because of my adhd. Id describe my humor as somewhat dark- my jokes are usually about myself and things that happend when i was younger which i find funny while others find concerninf- im quite sarcastic.

Things i like:

I love art, music, reading, writing, working out, fruit...fruit is my mains soruce of nutrition i love that shit so much i could write an essay on it man...i also love pasta, and chocolate. It makes me happy :')

I love rain, and my friend's and Going on walks, and going on walks in thr rain, and going on walks in the rain with my friends

Things i dislike:

Tomatos, math, ehen people think im stupid or unintelligent purely bc im bad at numbers-

Other informationsss:

My favorite colors are pink, beigh, grey and black. I've been told that im hard to approach? My love language is gift giving and physical touch. You cna almost always find me fidgeting eith the hen if my best friends shirtx or rubbing up and down her calf absentmindedlt while we sre talking(yes shes okay with this she koves it)i love getting hugged if its from someone im comfortble with, i love sitting in silence while drawing. I live analyzing different things, everything from art pieces to human behavior. I have an intrest for psychology, i'm studying law!

Oh and i speak swedish, English, german, romanian and french!

Andddd my aesthetic is so mixed- think like dark academis meets soft grunge mixed with coquette?

Soo, this is me, oh also im straight(but we support woman 110%)

So yea, thank you in advance!(if you domt have the time thats okay!)

hi thanks for waiting so long! i had to take a bit of a break with tumblr cause of gcses but i can’t wait to see what you think of your matchup <3

your perfect matchup is 𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 💌

𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧 <3

𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝟐 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭 <3

okay so this took me an embarrassingly long time to decide between sirius and remus but ultimately sirius won out in the end because i am nothing if not an absolute sucker for a good opposites attract trope! 🎀

i think you two meet through mutual friends (remus and lily of course) at a weekend trip to hogsmede and just hit it off right away. it’s funny because you’ve heard so much about sirius, how he’s a relentless playboy, a troublemaker, a delinquent but to you he’s a perfect gentleman. which is confusing for everyone who witnesses it.

at first they all just think oh he’s immediately just decided that you’re only friend material because you’ve got so much in common but also different enough that that would work. so the two of you spend the whole day just hanging out and no one thinks much of it….

till sirius gets back to his dorm and tells remus ever so dramatically “i’m finished!” remus is obviously wtf???? and sirius rolls his eyes as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world and he’s all like “i’m finished with my hookups - i’m a changed man! there is one girl for me and i intend to be with her till the day i die” which is kinda like woah chill out! but also very cute :)

now i wouldn’t say you feel the same because you’re not insane but you are like “oh he was cute, hope i see more of him” kinda thing. anyways the point is you’re both into each other but of course don’t know that about one another because where’s the fun in that??? 😜

and sirius being sirius he doesn’t go about it in a normal way oh no he decides he’s gotta work out how to impress you first and you know what he’s gonna work that out as dog! such a sound plan!!! so whilst your sketching by the lake a large black dog potters over to you and lays at your feet. which obviously you think is adorable so you’re petting it and stroking it and just giving it sm attention (if only you knew it was sirius)

anyways it becomes like a habit for you and this dog. you go down to sketch and it joins you. you talk to it, sing, read and as you do all that sirius falls in love with you. meanwhile you to maintain a friendship as humans too but when sirius is in his animal form he sees a side to you in that time that no one else does. he falls so deeply and slowly like the way winter gently falls into spring. 🌷

he confesses in a similar way, you’re ranting to his dog form about how much you want sirius to ask you out. then suddenly you look up and there’s him boyishly grinning at you, dark hair flopping beautifully onto his forehead, he looks like a cursed prince of a forgotten land. when this happens your jaw literally drops and you’re throwing various explicates at him but he hushes you with five little words “may i please kiss you?” and forced into silence you nod cheeks burning.

he kisses you like you’re made of porcelain, a precious treasure which he cannot break, it’s prefect. when you two pull back to get your breath back you tell him teasingly “i still haven’t forgiven you for pretending to be a dog” and he says “will you forgive me if i ask if i can be your boyfriend?”you just laugh and kiss him again. sirius can’t remember a happier memory to that day. <3

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 <3

very easy and comfortable very quickly, the two of you adjust naturally into a routine that’s right for the two of you. a very quiet sort of intimacy that tends to surprise onlookers - it’s not at all what people expect of sirius but that’s okay because you two just get it so why worry about anyone else?

sirius is very physically affectionate like literally super glued to your side for the rest of your life now so like enjoy that i guess… 🤨 okay jk it’s very endearing but also its perfectly okay to need breaks so don’t forget to remind him that you need your own space sometimes. i mean he’ll huff and he’ll puff but he’ll get it.

okay but do you know what his favourite thing in the world is? it’s when you play with his hair. picture this it’s a warm rainy summer evening he’s laying along the sofa in the common room, his mess of dark curls in your lap, your fingers toy and fiddle with them, absentmindedly humming along to the smiths vinyl which crackles in the background. it’s pure paradise for the both of you just cosy and warm and soft. god i’m so jealous of the two of you!

he’s always treating you to things! as heir to the black family fortune he’s got an insane amount of cash to splash and he’d much rather spend it on someone he actually cares about so he’s always buying you stuff. a top he thinks you’d look good in, a fancy hardback of your favourite book, or simply your favourite chocolate bar. doesn’t matter if it’s big or small, cheap or expensive, so long as you like it that’s all he cares about.

he thinks your sketches are the most beautiful things he’s ever seen. unfortunately i can’t promise that it’ll be easy for them to become more than sketches because god forbid your attention leaves him for half second. like you’ll be in the library sketching with him sat next to you and then suddenly your cheeks are being smothered with kisses and a hands trailing its way round your chair turning you to face him. what can he say he missed you? good thing he’s cute bcs he’s such a little shit you love that about him tho

it’s very, very rare that the two of you fight but he always apologises first! don’t get me wrong he sulks for a bit first because like he’s sirius black but then he catches your red rimmed eyes and all is forgiven. because he made you cry? yeah he sucks - he’s sorry pretty girl he’ll never to it again and he gives you full permission to kill him if he does.

also his friends love you! you’re exactly what sirius needs to balance him out. honestly they don’t know how you handle him but they’re not complaining! like please keep him for as long as you want him they’re all sick to death of him!

he proposes to you on the last day of school with his family signet ring. he knows he sounds crazy but he’s loved you from the minute he met you. he’ll give you a proper ring soon but for now he gives you his family ring because you’re his family now. you’re all the family he could ever want. his whole world <3

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 <3

hope you like it! xoxo, flo <3

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #63: 7 years on T & hysto retrospective

Hi everyone!! The title says it all. I wanted to include all of my phallo consults in this as well, but a few items are last-minute up in the air, so I'll write a separate post for the phallo consults omnibus.

As always, please don't reblog or screenshot and repost. Links are fine. Writing transition updates over the years has been really good for me and I always hope someone finds them helpful. But at the same time, the larger public is awful about bottom surgeries and I'd rather not subject myself to that ire.

This post has a general content warning for discussions of sex, genitals, body image and body/gender dysphoria.

7 years on T

I stopped doing annual T updates a while ago, because after the first 2-3 years most of the bodily changes are basically the same bodily changes cis men go through as they age. This year I made a point to celebrate 7 years, because that's an absolutely wild number, and I think it's important to acknowledge my T anniversary when it comes around. Testosterone has fundamentally changed my life. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here without it. I'm so grateful to be in a place mentally, physically, financially, and temporally that I can continue to access it.

I started taking Finasteride this year bc my hairline is getting a little thin. This is, again, more a factor of being in my later 20s than anything else. I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did. It was one of the first times I experienced and male body image issue that had nothing to do with being trans. Normally, I'm so grateful to live as a man that most male body image issues don't affect me. I don't care that I'm short or a little round or I have wider hips. I'm so grateful to pass and live full-time as a man that it doesn't register. This one was different, and I'm not quite sure why, but I'm going to try and not obsess over it.

Off and on the last four years, but seriously the last two years, I started working out and lifting. At first, I mostly ran, especially during the height of the lockdown when it was the only safe way to work out. I love running but I always wanted to be strong and see what my body could do. The past two years I've been working with an online trainer and my strength has really improved!! I'm hitting personal bests in the gym and it's stopped feeling like a tedious chore. I'm actually excited to go now. That's an amazing feeling and I'm always really happy when my friends or family call me strong.

Hysto retrospective

It's been 7 months since my hysto back in January. The recovery for that was longer and more difficult than I expected. Being cooped up in the house and feeling really weak and gross, on top of the bottom dysphoria I kept experiencing having to constantly discuss lots of parts I hate having, was really hard on me. I feel like, over the last two months, I've shaken off a lot of the lingering depression from that. All that being said, I've healed very well, and I'm so happy I got my hysto.

One of the worst, dysphoria-inducing nightmares for me was getting pregnant. It was so bad, it prevented me from seriously dating cis men for years. T is not birth control, and even with protection and respectful partners, the fear and anxiety were just too much for me to handle. I knew that once I got my hysto, I'd probably feel more confident dating men, but I didn't realize the extent to which that would be true.

I've felt way more confident to date around and hook up since I got my hysto. I've gone on more dates with cis gay men than I ever have before, and even though they ultimately fizzled out, I have never had that level of dating confidence in my life. It's so, so gender affirming when cis gay men are attracted to me. I always felt like I lost something, being a bisexual man who was too anxious about being trans to participate in any kind of gay male culture in NYC. This is by far the biggest gift my hysto gave me and I'm so happy for it.

[killsaki]

FOR KAZUO FOR THE DILF PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Bc I chose so many I also typed out the questions for you <3

👊 - are they quick to violence?

💤 - do they fall asleep easily? What helps them sleep?

🌙 - what is their greatest wish? How far are they willing to go for it?

🌋 - how bad is their temper? A slow boil, or an instant explosion?

🎁 - what type of present are they happiest to recieve? Are they good at gift giving?

🍼 - what are their thoughts on (more) children?

🎷- do they play any instruments? Are they any good at it?

🎡 - are they someone who wants to kiss at the top of the ferris wheel?

📎- a random fact

☁️ - a soft headcanon

💓 - what gets their heart racing?

💗 - when they have a crush is it noticeable? What changes when they're in love?

💖 - are they a subtle or showy lover?

why!!!! do you do this to me !!!!!!

👊🏻 — not at all. he’s big and sweet <3. but, he used to be a hellian at some point—he knows when and how to protect what needs protecting.

💤 — he works out still! so, i think that. plus other physical activities. (you could literally fuck him to sleep)

🌙 — all hes wanted was to have fun with his friends when he was younger, to keep each other safe. and then he had katsumi into his early 20s and didn’t really have any time to form any other dreams. so from then on all he wanted was to make katsumi happy, and give him a good life. he worked multiple jobs and went to college all while taking care of katsumi as much as he could, then started and ran his own business until retirement age <3

🌋 — he genuinely has the patience of a saint. i don’t think there’s much that can make him mad (his son only irritates him at best.) but a slow boil is probably what is most likely. even then, he’s very calm and direct about addressing whatever the issue is.

🎁 — from his son! he doesn’t want anything. from a lover! he really is so big on quality time. (have sex with him) he doesn’t want much of anything materialistic. he sucks at gifts! they’re also super over priced because he “has the the money to spend” so he just buys whatever it is in the “best quality” and then you end up with a $1,200 necklace.

🍼 — he. has the biggest breeding kink in the world im surprised he doesn’t have any already. i don’t think he’d be fully against it! but it would take a while to convince him, because of the issues with katsumi’s mom. even if he doesn’t blame her, even if he never dwelled on it. it was still traumatic.

🎷 — probably can play guitar! he doesn’t suck but he’s not amazing at it. never had enough time to get it down fully.

🎡 — in his youth? absolutely. now? he’d feel silly. but would 1000% indulge you.

📎 — his favorite snack is peaches !! + he has never not made his sex partner cum (:

☁️ — has the biggest habit of kissing his lover on the nose in quiet moments.

💓 — being pawed at, he’s such a sucker just for being wanted. sexually, romantically—in any way. he just loves being come onto.

💗 — very. are you kidding me? he’s trying to come over a repair your entire house for you. build you a deck. put in a fucking pool, he’s trying to stay over to cook for you afterwards too. he just wants to take care of you.

💖 — showy! but on accident. he loves touching you, doing things for you, buying things for you—anything you’ll let him do.

[akuma-homura]

reflecting on my brothers death rambling

man. I'm listening to Borderline by Tame Impala-- a song I really like, have some muse thoughts for, but also. Repeated on a loop the following day when we found out my brother died.

I. Mm. When it happened I was thinking how I wish I could have talked to him more, interacted more, maybe even shown up on his and moms video chats every now and then. How it had me think of how I wish I was closer to my brothers in general, how I should reach out more.

But I realize more and more that I just don't have it in me. If he hadn't died, things would likely be the same as they were before on my end.

And even thinking now about my remaining brother (somehow only with all of this did I realize he was the middle child lol? it's hard for me to grasp when I'm like 15 years younger than them or so and didn't live with them in the house) I like. I don't actually know how I'd connect. We're family, yes, but. I don't know anything about him. I don't know how much he knows about me.

...I say that because I guess I also just don't have a sense of how people perceive me, the fact that I am perceived-- my late brother apparently talked about I guess what little he'd heard of my projects, how smart I am, ect. (but not smarter than him, of course)

and. That was so bizarre and alien for me to hear. That he actually talked about me. Knew a little bit about what I was up to? How much he loved me.

...shit, I'm tearing up typing all that. Fuck.

I've said it in other ramblings regarding this, but I also just realized I don't know my brothers. Like, as people. I didn't know what my late brother was like, and hearing others talk about him who did know him better...

And I don't actually know much of anything about my remaining brother, either. He's a father. Apparently he has a twitch channel and streams games sometimes. I don't even know what he's doing as a job right now. He's so short?????

I knew my late brother as the nice one, my remaining as the rowdier one. Expected my late brother to be more successful and stable, but the opposite ended up the case.

That's... it.

But even so, even so, even so, the sadness remains. The fact I didn't get to really really know him. The fact he loved me? And I never even-- somehow I just thought he didn't really think about me at all enough to feel anything about me.

We have a picture of him on the wall-- we have an area in the kitchen that's basically become a bit of a memorial area for the people we've lost like... honestly since the start of the new decade. And now he's there, too.

And every time I look. Every time I see. There's still that pang of pain. The emotions swelling up. I'm still sad.

I can deal with it fine and all, but. I dunno. I guess this is the biggest death I've experienced of a human being, and I know grief doesn't go away.

I was already sad thinking about Technoblade's death, I was getting into Generation Loss after the streams were done, I was working on UTAU stuff, and then...

I can't touch the project I was working on with my old UTAU. I try to, but I can't. The emotions come back. The realization that while I was working on it, he was in the hospital, dying. Dead. The exact time I took a small pause, was when he died. When I was finally going to go to sleep at like 5AM, I was laughing to some tiktoks, then heard a sound from my mother, wondered if something happened to our dog rose before thinking something happened to a human person. And then.

And then...

And now I can't touch that cover. I had ideas for it. I had ideas for Heikinne. But now I just...

Hghhhgh. Associations. And not only that, the grief has messed my body up, even though it isn't constant. I can tell I'm physically doing worse off comparatively, when I was already doing badly bc of the stress from the scam in February, on top of what I can only assume is long covid shit on top of my existing issues. Even now. Hell, that's why I haven't streamed as much as I've wanted-- I REALLY wanted to get back to the swing of things in August, but I genuinely wasn't able to. Thinking about it was too taxing. I want to do stuff for spooky month this month, and I hope I can, but I'm also..... unsure if I ultimately will, either.

I dunno.

I do wish he could still be around so I could actually show him what I'm up to. Especially with me actually getting some stuff running.

But it does ultimately want to have me continue to work, regardless. We only have so much time, and I want to be able to get out as much as I can before anything happens, either to me, or to the world.

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[lutawolf]

oh! hi Luta~ 4am thoughts have reminded of a question i've had, that i have tried to find the answer for on the internet, but failed. so i am a big brat lover, all my fav characters are bratty or have sharp tongues or more mischievous. i am also really into kpop, and all my favourite group members are either the designated brat or super mischievous. and its like, that's what I want, in my heart of hearts, but i feel like i can't. i have a really really big deep fear of saying the wrong things and making people hate me more than I already hate myself (which i've gotten to a point where i can maybe say i don't hate myself on someday, so improvement!) but even with close friends, I hold back and never get playful or poke fun. even with your blog, ngl, I read your rule about always saying at least "Hi Luta" and I immediately want to do the opposite like a dumbass jfuisbxjanzjjre. so ... are like, broken brats a thing? bc that's what i feel like i guess. i also feel like a fake human most of the time, biggest of imposters. i exist in a state on constant fear, and like, i don't fight or flight, i freeze like a deer in the headlights. and that freezing and fear is the thing that's kept me alive probably, and i think i want out of it. but what if i am just a fake wannabe brat?? ???? is that possible??? but i guess mostly i wanna know if broken brats are a thing and can they be fixed. sorry for the wall of text, my brain isn't letting me break it up bc i need a physical representation that somewhat matches my thoughts in my head. tysm for reading this far if you did. sorry for being weird on main.

Hey nonnie,

We need to address a few things you said. That honestly have me concerned.

A) It's normal to feel some struggles concerning how we view ourselves. On loving ourselves but it should be surface level not any further.

B) Dove, you are more than surface level. The kink community is not where you fix this. It's incredibly unfair to not only yourself but a Dom who would try.

C) You have a problem with authority and it has nothing to do with being a brat. There isn't a brat who respects me that has an issue addressing me. Even a a good Dominant isn't going to have an issue because it's a sign of respect.

The dangers of you entering the kink community at this point. You would push a Dom to either using their's or your safe word. If you didn't freeze and not use your safe word at all. That is never the goal of a true Dom or submissive. We aren't here to hurt each other or break people but instead help find stability. A submissive, even a brat wants to serve and please. It's not about pushing authority until someone snaps. Even if one wants to be punished it isn't done like that. Even if you aren't concerned about yourself, think of the trauma you could cause a Dom.

What I'm hearing from you is you want to fight authority. Even if you respect it. You are seeking punishment. This usually means that authority figures have repeatedly failed you all while keeping control. So you are now spiraling because you neither want control but can't trust to give it up.

The “freeze” response happens when our brain decides we cannot take on the threat nor are we able to escape. Those with a freeze response have high anxiety. Freezing releases endorphins which serve to calm the body and are also pain relievers. Why would you need pain relief? Because freezing allows one to block out scary experiences that are too difficult to process.

Are you broken? No, but maybe a little cracked and in need of tlc. I once was actually broken but now I'm a survivor. Maybe I have to carry around peppermint to sniff and say the mantra "This Too Shall Pass" but I love and am loved. I also love myself.. now. I don't know what you have been through. I won't even try to guess based off the little I know. What I do know, is for you to have written this and started thinking about the future, that you're stronger than you think. You just need some tlc 🕊 Then we can work on the kink community part.

I wish you the best. Let know if there is anything I can do to help. 💜💜💜

[fandomfluffandfuck]

kinda nerve-racking asking this but I still get super nervous my the thought of oral, my ex did go down on me a couple of times but it wasn’t very good even though he was quite eager to do it at first

I know it wasn’t an issue of like smell/taste or anything and it may have been worse in my end bc I was probably in my head about a lot of things

I’m really not sure how much I should worry about what a guy thinks about how I look down there but I think that’s my biggest worry, as a woc it’s just not bubblegum pink down there and it’s like my biggest insecurity (probably bc I saw porn at a young age so my perception of body image is fucked) but anyway LMAO what would be some pointers you would say could help either sides with oral??!

You did end up sending an ask in about it, though, so that's progress 👏🏻

I totally can see the being-in-your-head, though. It makes sense. Social pressure in sex exists, 100%, like, people get the messaging that you're supposed to look like they do in the movies and it's supposed to be perfect and mind-blowing and you're supposed to act like this and all this shit that can leave your brain racing. Plus, all the expectations (surrounding sex and anything, really) tend to be harder on women and feminine people, so... unfortunately, it makes sense to have a hard time with it. You are opening your body up physically and emotionally. It's tough.

That, too. I'm not a person of color, so I can't know that experience exactly, but I can imagine that would impact you greatly as well. Whether you saw porn at a younger age or not (though, yeah, being told This! This is what hot female bodies look like! and then making the connection that it apparently isn't you, young is rough.)

Pointers for either side...

As far as going for it, I just have to say go for it. You mentioned enthusiasm not translating to it feeling super good, which is 100% true. But I think a lot of people are scared to perform oral because it's your mouth and it's someone else's body, and it's fairly taboo and such. So, going for it while being unafraid to ask for pointers or suggestions is a good rule of thumb.

As far as on the other side, I've heard of two-ish strategies to get out of your head depending on the type of person you are. (1) I've heard people say that you can slow down and dive into more traditional romance and comfort with someone you trust, taking time to pause and adjust as you need, working your way up to it. But, (2) I've also heard success stories of the okay for oral being given, then the partner performing oral busting it out suddenly without giving the oral receiver to have time to overthink it. The idea is that without exact warning (like, you know it's a possibility but not when), you'll only think about the pleasure rather than any anxieties.

All that said, not everyone likes everything. You might find that you just prefer other things to oral, and that's all good, too <3

Thanks for the ask! Good luck with your adventures 😘

[calorieroulette]

personal update • 8/25/24

haven't been active here in FOREVER. need to lock in fr bc i'm starting ballet again in a few weeks. i took a 2yr hiatus bc i ran away from home (now i'm back, long story but all is well) & i'm sooo scared. i'm not in terrible shape but even a single run thru of pliés make my hips hurt for a full day after so ik i'm gonna be SORE. not ideal bc i also just landed a very physical job & will probably be starting them around the same time.

not the worst combo tho bc i'm gonna be burning hella cals. i alr walk 3+ miles at least 4 days per week & do pilates when i remember, so if i keep that up in addition to the job & ballet, i'm DEFINITELY hitting my gw this year. maybe even by halloween, which was the plan anyways but i've been fat all month.

currently i'm sitting justtt at/below the cutoff for being medically underweight. as of today, i'm starting the ABC diet. if i complete all 50 days, that leaves me another few weeks of unstructured calorie schedule. i'll probably pick out some short diets to fill the empty days & fast the last few days before halloween. from there, if i hit my gw, i'll slowly increase my intake to maintenance.

i have the WORST fucking memory but if i remember/don't fail, i'll post weekly updates abt the diet. i plan to weigh in every monday, so i'll get my "starting weight" tmr. every monday after that i'll post the weekly update with how much i lost that week / how the diet went / etc. since i'm going to be working & doing ballet, i have some extra rules in place to accommodate my needs.

supplements (gummy vitamins) & non-protein liquids (i.e. energy drinks, kombucha, etc) will be logged in the LOSEIT! app under a separate category from solids, & liquids such as yogurt & protein shakes. they do count, but if i'm over the day's limit bc of them, i won't consider it "over the limit." i'm mainly concerned with staying under the limit with my OMAD. i won't let 60 extra cals from my gummy vitamins & a monster or two freak me out!!

net cals are an option, but only twice per week. it shouldn't become something to rely on. the point of low res is the fast weight loss, which will go faster if i'm constantly burning a lot from work & ballet. if i eat more too, i lose the benefits.

2L+ water daily ofc

in order to prevent relapsing into bad cycles (overeating/binging, purging) & stay locked into my restrictive tendencies, i need to consume ed media beyond socials at least once per day. watch diet vlogs & beauty standard breakdown videos on youtube when i choose to watch it. listen to music that makes me want to starve. reread wintergirls for the 34th time or something. just KEEP IT CENTERED.

if i feel like giving up, think of how badly i want my rewards for hitting goal weights (tattoos, colored contacts, various swag i've been craving since i could comprehend fashion)

ofc, for now, i'm just focusing on eating as little as possible & getting used to the hunger again. i have orientation for my job this week but i'm not on the schedule yet. hoping they start me next week or the week after, just so i can get a little more into the groove with my eating patterns. my biggest issue is late-night binges. i just get so fucking hungry & forget why it matters. i'm done. no more.

things to remember when i'm tempted:

sugar & junk are like cigarettes; if you don't consume them, you don't crave them.

the first few days are the hardest. the habits will be back by week 3. my lw era mindset is closer than i think, i just have to keep pushing.

the classic "hungry to bed, hungry to rise" is oddly comforting on nights where my stomach's rumbles keep me awake.

if i can eat past the point of fullness, i can starve past the point of hunger. all hunger is temporary except my hunger to be thin. that is the only hunger that needs to be satisfied.

and ofc, here's a list of distractions i can run to in case motivation & discipline fail & i just need something to stop me from giving in:

play DTI or backrooms on roblox

read

organize pinterest boards

journal

draw / paint

watch youtube / a show / a movie

go for a walk

do one of my youtube workout playlists

clean / do laundry + dishes / vacuum

take a bath

there's def more, i'll come back & add to this post when i think of things so i always have a list to check when i need to lock in.

that's pretty much it.

[lightshiningforth]

Ted Lasso Season 3

I like Ted Lasso and it ended and I have thoughts, so here goes.

Things I liked about Season 3:

TED FINDS HIS WAY HOME. I knew it was coming. I knew he had to go back to Kansas to be with Henry. It’s still satisfying to see. Ted transforms AFC Richmond. He gets to see the team and coaches and leadership come together as true friends and found family. He gets to celebrate a victory with a team that loves him. Then he gets to go home and see his son. He’s not as endlessly chipper as he is when he arrives in England. He doesn’t need to be, bc he knows he doesn’t need to earn love. It’s full circle and goddamn beautiful.

TED AND REBECCA. I love their friendship. They love each other. I’m glad that love isn’t forced to be a romance.

ROY AND JAMIE. Their development from enemies to friends is slow, bumpy, and earned. I love how much they care about each other. Antagonistic banter without any real malice. 100% support for each other when it matters. Jamie going to Roy’s birthday party because Phoebe assumes (correctly) that they’re best friends. 10/10.

SAM AND JAMIE. Jamie goes from Sam’s bully to one of his biggest supporters. I couldn’t have imagined that in the first season. Beautiful.

THE TEAM. They love each other! So! Much! They have a pillow fight in Amsterdam bc they can’t agree on anything other than spending time together! They love Ted so much, too - they’re on the verge of physically fighting Nate when they realize he tore the “Believe” sign. Never mind that this anger doesn’t ultimately help them. It touched me nevertheless.

THE COACHES. I adore the dynamic among Ted, Beard, and Roy. I’m delighted that Roy finally lets down his guard enough to join the Diamond Dogs. And, of course, Ted and Beard’s friendship means the world to me.

EVERYTHING AMSTERDAM. Enough said.

BEARD’S BACKSTORY. Finally, we know where his ride-or-die bond with Ted comes from.

Things I didn’t like about Season 3 (longer bc there’s more to explain, not due to an overall dislike):

EVERYTHING NATHAN SHELLEY. I don’t feel like his redemption is handled well. He and Ted never have a meaningful reckoning - Ted forgives him long before he comes back. Why? Nate does nothing to merit Ted’s forgiveness. He’s working on himself and feeling guilty, but that’s outside of Ted’s POV. Beard and Roy are angry, but Ted insists that they rein it in. Not judge Nate by his lowest moments. That’s a good message, but I would’ve loved to see Ted get to be hurt and angry, or at least express his feelings on the matter with more than a pensive look. He’s angry with his mom this season, for much older hurts - why couldn’t he be similarly angry with Nate? That would be more cathartic and satisfying. Nate could still tearfully apologize, and of course Ted would still forgive him. But it would be more meaningful if it weren’t automatic, before the apology is even spoken. It also makes no sense for the team to go from hating Nate’s guts to asking him back to Richmond when nothing has changed between them. Yes, Nate no longer works for their rival. But that’s never the issue, is it? It’s that he hurts Ted and betrays their team, ripping the “Believe” sign in two. Why would they want him back? He hasn’t apologized. Why?! Further, Nate’s relationship with Jade makes no sense. In S2, she’s rude to him for no reason. At the start of S3, with Nate acting cocky, it seems she’s simply unimpressed by bluster. Suddenly, she becomes kind to him after overhearing that he likes the restaurant’s baklava and seeing him get stood up. Huh? He has always been complimentary of the restaurant and a bit pitiful, so why do those moments make a difference? Nate gets some awful advice from his family about the importance of grand romantic gestures, and soon he and Jade are an item. Then, she gets him fired from his job to force him back to Richmond, which is controlling, but the show treats it as romantic. The only good moment between them is when Nate leaves Rupert’s cheating extravaganza to be with Jade. Even then, that moment isn’t about Jade, but rather about Nate choosing the kind of person he wants to be. The two of them have no chemistry, and Jade’s personality feels flat.

MOST THINGS KEELEY. I felt terrible for Keeley this season. It’s as if the show decided to push her over and kick her while she’s down. First, Roy dumps her for no good reason. Then, her coworkers disrespect her. Then, her friend Shandy betrays her. Then, her boss/girlfriend manipulates her (it’s creepy of Jack to declare their relationship to Keeley’s subordinates without caring about Keeley’s comfort, to give expensive and possessive gifts, etc.). Then, her nudes are leaked and her boss/girlfriend both blames and punishes her by cutting her funding. And then, of course, there’s…

KEELEY AND ROY AND JAMIE. I disliked this plot. First of all, there were no good reasons for Roy and Keeley to break up, and I think it’s telling that they don’t even show the breakup on screen (there’s nothing meaningful to show!). The whole “we’re both busy” thing is a surmountable problem. Roy feeling stuck and self-sabotaging is also a surmountable problem. If he had listened to Rebecca and apologized earlier, I think they could have come back from that. I also feel like they made Roy less likable this season to justify why they’re not together when they were such a strong couple. The jealousy about the nudes leak feels immature and out of nowhere, as does the squabble with Jamie. Roy is better than that. Remember in S1, when he tells Keeley not to use him to make Jamie jealous? Remember in S2, when he thinks she’s watching porn and simply wants to get tips from it on how to turn her on? Yes, there’s some tension over Jamie in S2 as well, but that’s bc Jamie confesses feelings for Keeley and Keeley keeps it to herself for a while before sharing. Again, that’s surmountable in an adult relationship. Understandable insecurity that could be solved with a conversation. Not the weird competitiveness of S3 (trying to intimidate Jamie into backing off right after collaborating with Keeley to help him feel better? Really?). I also don’t think Jamie should have been a romantic contender again. He and Keeley break up in the first season. That he matures after does not mean they need to get back together! I would’ve preferred that they become good friends without trying to recreate the S1 love triangle. All in all, I felt like the show was trying to go for, “Look, Keeley doesn’t need a man! How progressive! We’ve solved the love triangle!” Meanwhile, there’s no need for a love triangle. She and Roy could work through the difficulties in their relationship and be happy. Jamie could be the one who realizes he doesn’t need a relationship. All three of them could still be close friends. As it ended, I just felt vaguely sad.

BEARD AND JANE. For a show that’s so focused on healthy relationships, I’m surprised that they have Beard stay with the controlling nightmare named Jane. I realize their relationship is largely a gag, but I feel like they could focus on the kinkiness and strange hobbies for that. Having Jane shred Beard’s passport and randomly give him the silent treatment, both abusive tactics, and having that be part of the humor of their relationship feels incongruous with the ethos of the show. I’m actually glad Beard stays in England as a coach. I think that’s an ending that works well for him. But I wanted him to stay bc he loves the job and the community, not bc he’s “in love with Jane.” And seriously, the idea that he would get married without Ted there as best man? Laughable.

MICHELLE AND DR. JACOB. One thing I liked about S1 was the bittersweet way in which Ted and Michelle divorce. No one did anything wrong, she simply lost feelings for him and couldn’t get them back. And even though it breaks Ted’s heart, he lets her go. That is beautifully sad in the way that life sometimes is - there are no villains, things just don’t go right. Having Michelle then get with their former marriage counselor completely undermines that. It makes it seem like she wasn’t really trying to fix their marriage, but rather being disingenuous. It also implies that Dr. Jacob was truly tearing Ted down rather than trying to help them fix their marriage, as Ted suggests in S2 when he reveals why he doesn’t trust therapists. I much prefer a scenario in which Ted’s distrusts therapy bc it failed his marriage, without the additional layer of the therapist truly being unprofessional and manipulative. The former scenario is much more realistic - sometimes therapy can’t save a marriage. There is no need to retroactively justify all of Ted’s insecurities about counseling. Michelle could still date someone else and Ted could struggle with that in very similar but less loaded ways.

ISAAC AND COLIN. I feel that this could have been handled better. Isaac treats Colin terribly after he finds out he’s gay - not acknowledging him or even touching him. Needing time to process that he didn’t know Colin as well as he thought isn’t an excuse for that. Yes, people fuck up, and I think I could accept that better if Isaac were held accountable for it when he apologizes to Colin. He could still tell Colin he’s hurt that Colin didn’t trust him, and Colin would point out that he didn’t tell him because he was afraid that Isaac would respond exactly as he does, with homophobic angry bullshit. Because it is 100% homophobic to treat Colin as untouchable due to his sexuality, even if the “real reason” is that he’s upset Colin didn’t tell him.

[mimichuuz]

"You're too young to let the world break you" is REALLY hitting me rn.

Not to victimize myself, but life hasn't been so kind to me. Although most of my biggest problems are now in the past, they've left everlasting effects on me. Was homeless & physically abused. Now I have to be in control of money. Even if its not mine. Can't tell if its just a fear of older men or maybe just my dad. Hell maybe not either. Just this uneasy feeling around them. Now I got an eating disorder, have to harm myself so I don't harm others, 2 felonies, ankle monitor, anger issues, sleep issues, and all that other shit which is probably caused by my own mental health. Hate this shit so much. I hate living. I can't kill myself bc I have some things I'd rather enjoy than die, but if I were to somehow end up in a bad situation, I'd let it kill me. Like that time I lit all that shit on fire in my apartment. Literally couldn't breath but I just layed down with my music playing and closed my eyes. Until the cops found me ofc. Hate this all. Please kill me. Let me rest. There are ppl who have it WAY worse than I do, and they're just living on. I have few problems compared to them yet I can't even handle getting out of bed. It just shows how weak I am. I am too weak to go on. Please just kill me and let me rest. If I can't manage simple things like leaving my bed and home or eating properly, doesn't that just show that its better to leave me dead? If I do have to keep living, I want to be so heavily on pills that I'm just like a vegetable. Just no cares at all. I can't talk to anyone at all. My friends wouldn't understand bc we have different lives, my family would use everything against me, my therapist still works for the county or government or whoever, so I could probably get taken from my mom if I tell her everything. Although my mom has put me through some shit, I would like to be with her. I know I'm probably safer with her and we still have some good times. I wish I could do the same with my dad. He's still in my life but i know he still hates me. Apparently he loved me when I was a baby, but as I grew up and developed my own opinions and became close with my mom, he hated me. That started in like 1st grade. I'm now in 9th and its still the same. He tries to hang around when other ppl mention how he treats me, but ofc that only lasts a bit. Then it happens all over again. I wish he loved me like he does my sister. They've always been close. He compliments her and gets her things. Last time my dad complimented me was when I was in 4th grade. Last thing he gave me was a bracelet he found on the ground in front of a hotel when i was in 5th grade. I still cherish it. Why am I never good enough? For my parents, for my family, or myself. It's not hard to be the perfect girl. I just need to lose more weight, hide my flaws, attend school, and be pretty. Then everyone will love me. My parents would accept me. Its so easy but why can't I do it? I've only lost 17 pounds. It should've been WAY more by now but nooo I had to develop an eating disorder and fuck up my eating and metabolism. All of my flaws are mental but they seem to show physically. My eye bags, bruised body, discolored skin, messy clothing. Its gross. I had to stop attending school bc every time I did, I just shut down or almost harmed myself or my peers. I was way prettier when I weighed 92 pounds but ofc my fat ass tried to recover and went up to 105. And now I'm stuck at that number. I hate everything. I want to disappear. I want to go. But ofc, I'm just a 14 year old girl. Everyone says I have no real problems, im being dramatic, or just blow off my issues when I speak up. I don't know if I should listen to them and quit my mental help stuff so I can go completely insane or continue attending and working to better myself. All this shit constantly and I'm just 14. I want it to end already.

[srlkiller]

Have you ever thought that maybe ur more sick than u think and maybe it’s actually u that’s the issue… might be something to think about

OK SO i hav a million asks in my inbox but this 1 is so beyond ignorant & passive aggressive for quite literally no reason bc why are u so invested in my life for…? lmao.

have u ever thought that maybe u don’t actually know me or anything that’s going on in my real life.. whether it is the shit that i am currently going through (which is numerous forms of abuse by my parents) or all of the things that have happened in my past.. im talking about in REAL LIFE. bc this is the internet.. a literal blog site where i randomly type things whenever im either really heated or bored as shit. n that’s rare now. this year n probably last year too i posted rants like.. give or take, every like… 3-6 months (if that). so u either got this whole image, ideology & ‘persona’ of me from a blog site.. or the very very few sporadic Insta stories i post which are mainly songs i like, memes or funny vids reposted? lmao.. i don’t post on my own Insta anymore. i literally only use youtube or zeus network now & i actually hav a private tumblr that only i can see. this 1 doesn’t get used, u must hav missed wen i posted about that :(( anyone who knows me/has known me irl.. or has been following me for a while knows that im a very open person.. & ive been open for YEARS on this dumb ass blog (which clearly ur privy too… bc u read my posts n lurk my page lmao 🫠)the whole “have u ever thought that ur ‘more sick than u think” is such an ignorant fucking statement. like.. i know exactly what is ‘wrong’ w me & im actually perfectly fine as long as i do not get triggered by certain people in my environment (which is the issue at hand among others with that same individual & other family). as ive aged & gone through so much these past 5/6 years i have grown & evolved so much as a person that whatever ‘persona’ you seem to have of me being ‘sick’ doesn’t exist today… unless you’re referring to my physical health issues? then yes ive been sick these past 2 weeks & do get ‘physically sick’ quite often due to my chronic severe physical health conditions.

ive been more than transparent (probably too transparent tbh) on here as well as my Instagram for many many years about my mental health issues + physical health issues. all of my conditions/disorders are chronic conditions that i have to live & deal w for the rest of my life.. so things like 4eva tryna find the right treatments for EVERY condition, spending thousands on operations, doctors, specialists, hospitals, medications that don’t work or give you awful side effects, meds that do work but cost hundreds, meds that are addicting with no warning from the doctors ect ect but the biggest thing of all is simply just tryna function each day like a normal human being whilst being in a very toxic environment with zero support, love or care from those who are supposed to nurture & protect you. so yeah sometimes i do get fucking angry, frustrated n upset about that shit n just wanna rant on here about my feelings. there are certain things i share on here wen i hav no one else 2talk too.. im an only child & hav gone thru sm shit with past ‘friends’ & exs in such a short amount of time i could truly write a whole book or movie script on it all. but instead i write things on here. it made me go absolutely crazy then turn into a total paranoid recluse. it was a soul destroying experience but one of the most powerful life lessons to be able to learn. it made me who i am today n changed me completely.

BUT- n real life tho.. you really do not know my situation.. you do not know me.. & you do not know what i deal with on a daily fucking basis. id love to see u try n live even jus a day as me irl...u would 100% neck urself before the day was even over. im not stupid.. i research everything when it comes to my conditions & diagnosis’s. i also studied psychology & did a major in forensic psychology while doing a bachelor of law & justice. ive studied the DSM-5, done every kind of therapy & treatment plan you can imagine. ive been in treatment since i was like 11/12. i understand myself very well. the mental health conditions that i have are a direct result of childhood trauma & several kinds of abuse by my parents from childhood all the way up to now.. if u are that interested in me & my life then perhaps u should google all of those conditions & do some research on them to gain a better understanding of the hows, why’s & whats. that’s called knowledge baby, u should gain some🖤 & perhaps u should consider going straight to the actual source… whatever it is u wanna know, just ask me.

what’s super interesting is that i took my tumblr link off my Insta a long time ago so it’s like bro.. did you just memorise my tumblr name so u can keep coming back to the page to lurk then send me a sassy little message to jab at me every couple months …. orrrr do you follow me but ur really that pussy that you put ur shit on anonymous? tbh both options are pitiful & just scream.. U A BITCH. people like you are all bark.. n no bite. it’s giving stalkerish fan vibes… this has been going on for like over a year now.. maybe even longer, idek. why not come off ANONYMOUS tho? why not just dm me if u feel so strongly about the issue n are so invested in this shitshow? u seem to hav a lot to say to me n id LUV to hear it! u got some suggestions for me? u got the answers? suggestions for self help books? shiiiiid… we could even talk on the phone if u want? u got FaceTime on yo fone?

if u don’t hav my Insta I’d b happy to giv it to you.. jus send me some asks on anonymous u know how to do that. looking forward to hearing back from u & getting to know u better! hope i quenched ur thirst xxx

[realcube]

haikyuu!! boys with a s/o that becomes clingy/affectionate while drunk

characters: kyōtani, kenma, iwaizumi, matsukawa and bokuto

thank you anon for this marvellous request mwah

ALL CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP!

tw// drinking, suggestive themes, sexual references, swearing

Kentarō Kyōtani

kyōtani was used to having a cool, laid-back s/o who was just as awkward about physical touch as he was 

i mean, that’s kinda a part of the reason he liked you so much - so y’all could get over your awkwardness together

so imagine his surprise when his usually level-headed, calm s/o came stumbling out of the club, a blubbering mess and threw themselves into his arms, wailing something about a maths test

THE AMOUNT OF EMOTIONS THAT FLOODED HIS MIND IN THAT ONE MOMENT OMFG ADFGHJKL

he was like ‘omg why are they touching me? i kinda like it- wait are they crying? tf? i ain’t ever seen them cry before- should i help them? lord everyone is looking at us now. so what the fuck do i do- AYE DON’T TOUCH ME THERE’

so he had no choice but to dip with you flung over his shoulder lol

he took you back to your shared apartment and forced you to drink some water and instead of ordering a take-out, he just gave you his leftover burrito which he took to the club smh

it was probably cold 

but that was the best he could think of at the time bc he simply needed to shut you up with food bc the alcohol in your system was causing you to become especially touchy, hence resulting in kyōtani getting especially aroused

but the last thing he’d do is fuck you while you’re drunk and i firmly believe that despite the fact kyōtani is a bit of a lout - he still has like a basic moral compass

but i mean if you kept being so damn suggestive then it was gonna be a lot harder for him to resist his urges

you were rubbing him up and shit, calling him every pet name in the book so ofc he just stuck a burrito in your mouth and went ‘stfu 😡’

the painful part was that he was silently enjoying it too (┬┬﹏┬┬)

(though, he was red from blushing lol, not anger) 

and he wasn’t used to it either so obviously he was gonna get flustered, i mean, everything was happening all at once

oh and you told him ‘i love you’ and he literally combusted like lord have mercy on this man 

just that morning you were calling him your ‘annoying rat boyfriend’ (jokingly, ofc) and now you love him?-

that wasn’t the first time you told him that you loved him but he was still blushing none the less 

and he stammered out a ‘love you too’ PRAYING that you wouldn’t remember any of this the following day

anyway, he cuddled you to sleep and railed you as soon as you sobered up - the end ❤

Kenma Kozume

pov: you’re kenma happily being a wallflower in the club then your s/o approaches you, demanding for you to fuck them 

- ok, end of POV - 

anyway, your speech was slurred so kenma wasn’t really sure if that was what you were asking him to do but if it was, he would’ve happily obliged if it wasn’t for the fact you were clearly drunk

mans was blushing though

bc y’all hardly ever do it but now - all of a sudden - you were tightly wrapped around him, garbling erotic threats into his ear

kenma was worried at first but you were like..really weak

so it wasn’t hard to get you off his torso, usher you out of the club and grip your hand as he ordered a taxi 

also kenma had read enough wattpad fanfictions to know how to deal with someone while they’re drunk 

but none of those fanfictions ever mentioned a single thing about how to deal with yourself while your partner is drunk

like seriously..he was in pain

both from the throbbing erection he had and the aching embarrassment he felt - both stemming from the fact you tried to give him a lap dance in taxi ✋ please oml

anyway, he took you back to his apartment and insisted that you have a few slices of the left-over pizza in the fridge along with a glass of water

after you changed into your pyjamas, you had clearly sobered up slightly as you could now compose coherent sentences

but that wasn’t any better for him bc now you were draped over him, whimpering into his ear about how much you love him

‘i’m so lucky to have you, kenma. i love you so much. you remind me of my first cat - you’re such a cat- i mean, blessing..you’re such a blessing.’ 

ngl, at that point he would be at a loss for words, just deciding to hug you until you fall asleep

like he finds it so cute that you’re finally opening up to him about how you feel as you’re usually quite composed and restrained 

but also- what does he do now? 

you eventually fell asleep in his arms and the next day, you woke up to kenma having made breakfast and telling you how much he adores you which was..confusing, to say the least

he told you about how you acted when you were drunk and to say you were embarrassed would be an understatement 

also, he’ll tease you about it for the rest of your life ;)

Hajime Iwaizumi

literally all you had to do was send him a text like ‘iwa...,,.,...ily so mycj ❤’’ and he’s already waiting in the line to get into the club lol

he marches in there, finds you, grabs your hand and drags you home 

let’s hope that your friends know what iwaizumi looks like so they don’t have to just watch a random guy haul you out the club-

and tries to act all like angry iwaizumi >:( but when you are trailing behind him, muttering about how amazing he is, he becomes more like angy iwa grrr (* ￣︿￣)

by that, i mean that angry iwaizumi would bring you home and lecture on how irresponsible it is to get so intoxicated 

but angy iwa just takes care of you but with a disapproving scowl 

and angry iwaizumi would make nasty, bitchy remarks about how inappropriate your outfit is 

while angy iwa would be like ‘babe, your outfit is lovely but maybe wear something different next time, idk....’

either way, he takes good care of you 

he makes sure you eat (and he cooks good food btw - he doesn’t make you eat leftovers lmao) 

he lets you change into more comfortable clothes

he ensures that you don’t die in the shower 

and he forces you to go to bed

but all of that is rather difficult when you’re clinging to him like your life depends on it, raving on about how sweet of a boyfriend he is and covering his face sloppy kisses

his original plan was to go train some more in his gym (yes, there is a gym in y’alls house-) but when you were peppering his cheek in kisses, begging him to stay with you for whatever reason, of course he didn’t have the balls to leave

 so he ended up laying like a log in bed as you cuddled up to him like koala, resting your head in his chest and allowing him to run his hand through your hair as you slept

in that moment - as he stared down at your tranquil figure - he realised how grateful he was for moments like these, as he finally got see a side of you that he knew you’d almost never exhibit when you’re sober

like yeah, you often tell him how much you love him but he can always tell that it’s as if you’re setting aside your pride to say such a thing but now, you’re gushing on about it with the most genuine look in your eyes, he can tell that you’re being completely sincere 

and to say that he adores it would be an understatement 

so yeah, you were kind of a pain while drunk but you were also the most adorable thing that iwaizumi had ever laid his eyes on (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

Issei Matsukawa

ok so the only reason matsukawa wasn’t getting drunk with you was bc the first time y’all got drunk together he got fined for public indecency and you got done for public intoxication

so you decided that it was best (for your wallets) if you took turns getting tipsy

emphasis on ‘tipsy’ bc you both went to the bar together (along with a few friends) and you promised matsukawa that you’d only have a few drinks 

so please explain to him why he is now having to carry you bridal style out of the bar because you are too hammered to walk properly 

and he was kinda grumpy bc he had to leave his friends mid-conversation bc not only were you pestering him but also, the erotic things you were whispering in his ear caused him to get a boner

and he was getting weird looks from people as he carried you home but that was the least of his problems tbh- he didn’t even notice lol

the biggest issue on his mind rn was the fact that you made him hard yet you can’t help him bc you’re drunk smh 

like he was tempted at first bc you seemed down to do it but he quickly came back to reality and realised how morally incorrect that’d be 

so he was mumbling curses the whole way home just to tune you out bc if he paid any more attention to the racy promises you were muttering in his ear- he’d explode

he’s alright at taking care of you like he isn’t iwaizumi’s level of caring but he’s a close second, i mean he’s gotten drunk plenty of times so he knows the basics

he was like ‘drink water idk lol ’

anyway, once he handled himself he wasn’t too fazed by your lustful advances

and he was so smug about it too deadass like ‘keep talkin’ me up, (y/n), you ain’t getting shit until you’re sober.’

smh ANYWAY he thinks you’re so charming when you’re like lovey-dovey drunk but SO annoying when you’re horny drunk bc like- he can’t get some (T_T)

Kōtarō Bokuto 

best for last 👌

ok anyway he’s an athlete and he doesn’t need alcohol to have a good time- he’s forever drunk tbh- drunk on life :)

so while you’re getting hammered with your pals, he’s doing stupid shit while sober lol

once you both rendezvous outside the club to head home and you’re absolutely steamin- he’s just like ‘hi, babe! how’s your night been?’

SO OBLIVIOUS OML

anyway, he drives back to y’alls house and since you’re fatigued at first, you spent 90% of the car ride sleeping

but when you get home, more awake, you’re all up on him

but you’re not like sensual drunk- more like..emotional drunk but with love 🥺

so basically you are sobbing into his chest about whatever and bc he is an such empath he will start crying too, or at least get a bit emotional 

you could say something like, ‘omg, bo. i hardly get to see you because you’re at work so often- i wish i could spend more time with you. i miss you so much’  ╯︿╰

and he would deadass reply whole-heartedly while weeping into your shoulder, ‘I’M QUITTING VOLLEYBALL, (Y/N)!!’

(ok, so maybe he was a bit tipsy too- but like..definitely not has drunk as you)

he has no idea where to start when it comes to taking care of you but he tries (´◡` ‘) 

at the very least, he ensures that you don’t having any more alcohol and that you don’t die somehow 

he’s v overprotective though 

you could be getting a fork to eat your instant-noodles with and he’ll be like 

‘apologies ✋ but i cannot allow you to handle such a dangerous weapon while intoxicated. maybe eat with a spoon instead, idk.’ /h

other than that, he just cuddles you to sleep and deals with you in your badly hungover state the next day