#that’s also an oversimplification of my thoughts on that too LMAO i. have been mad the last few days | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lyraeon · 5 years ago

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Hey Lyra...i've got a weird question, how did you figure you you where poly?

god it’s been so long I’m not sure I could really pinpoint it anymore

Also this got REALLY long so short version first:

-got introduced to concept by fanfiction -had always had a hard time getting over old crushes even years later -never got jealous about partner talking to other people -never felt like crushing on others was using up any of my love for my partner -I JUST LOVE EVERYONE OK

And the long version which gets really personal at times:

I do know I kept hearing phrases like, “if you really loved them you wouldn’t feel anything for anyone else”

but thing is that every one of my relationships, I’d already fallen in love with the next person I wound up with before the previous relationship broke up. even if things were fine, even if I still definitely loved them. my first two major relationships, there was a good 10 months where I was already in love with the second guy but still very much in love with the first. I consciously avoided the second guy because I didn’t want to cheat, I even blocked him for a while when he hinted he liked me. I’m *still* friends with the first guy, and it’s literally 17 years later at this stage, and I would argue I still have some degree of feelings for him and it’s only a lack of familiarity between us stopping me from calling it love. I only left him for the second guy because some stuff got messed up in our lives that meant we barely interacted for a few months and I decided that since the second guy had time for me and he didn’t, I should leave one for the other.

I was like 16 or 17 at that point.

Note that I also was having a lot of emotions for other people at this point too, that I later realized were crushes but was blind to that fact at that point because lmao I thought I was straight still hahahaha crap.

when I was about 19, I got really hard into Naruto fanfic. I mean like I probably was before that, but man. And I discovered the fanart and fanfic of someone named Askerian (who I’ve crossed paths with numerous times in other fandoms since then and shes’s still amazing).

A lot of what she wrote was polyshipping.

Mostly Naruto/Sasuke/Sakura OT3 stuff. and just like. This concept of everyone all together? for me, who’d always hated the love triangle dynamic (partially cuz she tended to pick the results canon didn’t, but still) and whose entire life is one big Found Family storyline and who still knew she was vaguely in love with her ex and kind of in love with her best friend and like, was starting to worry maybe she didn’t actually understand what love was and maybe I didn’t actually love anyone like maybe that’s what was going on there because normal people were so fiercely jealous of their partners and so on?

Yeah, polyshipping fic felt like the most wonderful fantasy. It was just. absolutely glorious to see.

I realized I was pansexual around that point too. Broke the news to my boyfriend (who I was, by then, engaged to). He was basically oh cool we can talk about how hot chicks are together then, haha.

Like six months later I was very, very aware I had a huge crush on a girl from an RP group I was in. absolutely smitten. I explained the situation to my boyfriend. “hey, listen, since I’ve realized I’m bi I kind of want to try being with a girl. we’re engaged, I promise I’m not going anywhere, but I think I might be polyamorous, like, I think my brain wants me to be with both a guy and a girl if that makes sense? can I try?”

Gross oversimplification, I know. it was like 2007, those were the livejournal days, I didn’t know nonbinary people existed, I was confused as to what any of my emotions were, I’m not even sure I knew the word polyamorous at that point, it was a mess.

He said no. He tried to get me to stop talking to the girl altogether. We stopped talking out of character and only kept RPing.

like six months later he told me if I was still thinking about it then yes. I asked her out immediately. she was a few years older than me and ran in circles that had polycules so it was nbd to her. She dated me gladly, said she’d been trying to figure out if she was bi anyway.

(spoiler alert, she wasn’t, and that’s ultimately why we broke up the second time. the first time was because my boyfriend got mad after a few months that I hadn’t ‘gotten it out of my system yet’ and that the relationship was actually emotional, not just sexual, so I left her to be with just him, which later lead to a super messy breakup and then to me trying to make things work with her again).

...complicated.

to this day I’m a mess of emotions. Hilariously, homestuck’s helped me sort some of it out. Because a long time ago, when explaining to my now-partner of 9 years that I knew I was still in love with my best friend even though he’s gay and we weren’t ever gonna be together, I tried to explain that everyone I hold hands with, I feel it in a different place in my soul. So while he felt warm and wide and like a hug around my shoulders, and his hand feels safe and secure, my old bestie feels light and airy in my chest and his hand feels like breathing in menthol, or like lightning. two different kinds of love.

my understandings of things now tell me that I was pale as fuck for my bestie more than anything, but even now the lines aren’t always clear. I’m demiromantic (and/or quiromantic, who the hell knows) so I don’t crush from a distance. Instead I wind up in bonds with people anyway, and they’ll do something one day and I’ll go oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh fuck not them too whyyyyyyyyy and spend a month frantically ignoring it and in a lot of cases it’ll fade away quickly because it’ll have just been my heart going “I trust this person” and taking a bit to figure out where they belonged. a smaller percentage though, I’m stuck. the emotion’s there. it might be red or pale or even in some cases pitch but it’s still tumbling around in my brain and I’m attached and I don’t want to let people out of my life again.

I only have the one partner right now, my hubby. I have two, maybe three “moirails”, people I’m very bonded to but it’s nothing sexual or physical. and I’ve had just plain best friends so I know it’s a different feeling. But there are people I’ve only not asked out because I respect my hubby’s wishes to be exclusive. Some I’ve even pushed away because there was too much spark there and I didn’t trust myself to not hit a point where I just had to try and talk him into it. I don’t want to push him out of his comfort zone; I love him too much, and it’s not worth risking my one sure thing when most people out there wouldn’t be accepting of a polyamorous situation anyway. In other words, is it possible I’d be happier with more than one partner? and hell, I lowkey think my hubby might be happier that way too because I can be a bit much for him so it might be better for him to have my attention split over mulitiple people. but I respect him too much and love him too much to want to risk our current pretty good, sure thing happiness for a less certain potentially better happiness, especially cuz “losing him” is a potential outcome and that’s nooooot one I’m okay with.

...which got kind of ranty and personal but Y’KNOW

It’s the long version lol.

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