#that was batshit insane!! and just to revert it. damn

[tiredtriedfailures]

buzzed blond legosi arc was so insane why did they have to revert his growth so fast. he was losing his appetite so effectively it was costing him his carnivorous strength and instinct, he was having to learn to fight with martial arts and his mind since his instinct died, getting more muscular yet weaker, it was so insane to write that in just to have him eat bugs, turn back to normal, fight like a carnivore, eat Louis's leg and achieve nothing, reverse all of it

[killian-whump]

Wondering if you watch GOT given all the whump, and what are your feelings heading into tonight if you do? I’m hating the Season 8 writing because none of it makes sense for my fav characters. I don’t need happy endings for everyone, but I need it to make sense. Just interested in your opinion.

Oh, I sure DO watch GOT! Honestly, I’ve watched it more so for the story and characters and the overall epicness than the whump. Although I did really enjoy Theon’s torturous adventures with Ramsey Bolton and the resulting PTSD that lasted throughout the rest of the series ;) And I also enjoy the sheer number of Dudes Without Dicks running around the place. I mean, seriously. Cocks must be one of the most endangered species in Westeros or something. Oh! And Jamie’s captivity in the beginning of the series was great - when he lost his hand, and the bath scene with Brienne where he gets all vulnerable and then passes right out. Goooooood stuff. I also love Tyrion. He makes me laugh and is probably the most eligible bachelor on the whole damn show, which is probably why Peter Dinklage keeps showing up in my dreams wooing me.

So yes, to answer your question, I do watch Game of Thrones!

As for Season 8′s writing... Man. Wow. The thing is, I don’t actually have fault with any of the events of the season thus far. I merely have issue (and it’s a BIG HUGE ISSUE) with the timing of it all. Were these events spread out over one or two full seasons, I think it would all be acceptable. Instead, they crammed it all into 6 hastily-made and oddly-spaced-out episodes and it’s just... really, really unsatisfying.

For starters, I guess I have to address the Mad Queen thing. I don’t mind it, in and of itself, but the timing of it is all a mess. Had they actually taken the time to SHOW Daenerys actually going mad instead of pulling a total 180 on her character in the span of an episode or two, I would have no problem with it. I mean, it’s been foreshadowed since the beginning of the series, and she has a genetic predisposition towards psychosis. I don’t think having her go mad is off-brand or out of character at all. In fact, I find some of the arguments about that a bit off-putting, as they start sounding suspiciously like “But she’s done such good things with her life! Why would she fall prey to a genetic predisposition towards mental illness?!?!” As someone who HAS inherited mental illness from a parent, I bristle at the implication that, had I maybe freed some slaves in a far off country or raised a couple of dragons, I could’ve completely avoided debilitating mental illness! Oh, if only I’d known!!! :P

My Mom (wise watcher that she is) actually made a brilliant point, though. The various deities of Westeros have obviously been taking an active role in the events of the series, and particularly when it came to defeating the Night King. Consider the dude who was brought back to life a gajillion times... just so he could save Arya’s life at that one crucial moment, so she could then defeat the Night King. It isn’t outlandish to think that some divine force could have held Daenerys’ madness at bay long enough for her to do what needed to be done to lend her armies and dragons to the fight against the undead. And once that fight was won, and her purpose served, that deity let nature take its course - and Daenerys went from Zero to Batshit in about 2 episodes to make up for lost time. Unfortunately, that’s a GREAT theory, but it’s not what the show has actively presented to us, which completely sucks.

I’m also mad at Jamie’s entire character story. Again, had they taken a season or two to show us him reverting to his old ways, then I could forgive the sudden “I’m a horrible man” revelation and his return to Cersei. As it is... I mean, why the fuck show him slowly and progressively becoming a better man just to have him go, “Hahaha, fuck no, PSYCHE!” and go running back to Cersei? It’s ridiculous. They fucked up somewhere in his story line, either in working so hard to “redeem” him or in his ultimate backslide into the man he started out as. That said, I do know someone who LIKED his ending, because they found his insane dedication and love for Cersei to be compelling, and were happy to see him choose her (even if it meant DEATH with her) when the chips were down. C’est la vie, I guess. To each their own. As for me, I just think his ending turned him into a waste of a character and that pisses me off.

As for tonight... Well, I mean. It’s gonna end. Daenerys obviously has to go, now that she’s gone completely bonkers. I have some theories about how that’s going to happen, but I won’t share them before the show airs. I don’t really know who will end up on the Iron Throne, although I suspect it will be some manner of Stark or, most likely, they’ll do away with the “single ruler for everybody” thing and instead embrace being an autonomous collective of local governments. Personally, I just hope Tyrion makes it through alive, as he’s just about the only character I still care deeply for at this point. Also, he’s now the only living Lannister left, so he might as well retire to Casterly Rock or King’s Landing, or wherever, and enjoy repopulating his entire House.

Truth be told, I think I’d rather watch an entire episode of Tormund and Ghost’s adventures in the Wild North. And then he finds out Brienne’s been dumped by the asshole captain of the football team and he goes off to win her heart with his horn of titty milk and his trusty pound rescue dire wolf sidekick.

I mean, seriously. What am I paying these people for?!

[gotermina]

Shadow Reviews: Super Mario Bros.

ShadowSect here, and it’s time for the first game review to fill my nostalgia shoes.

Super Mario Bros. for NES

Hit the jump for the spoiler-free review by me, ShadowSect!

Plot Summary: Assuming you’ve been living under a rock, the premise is that Bowser, the “King of the Koopas”, has conquered the Mushroom Kingdom while holding Princess Peach captive. In the meantime, he’s had all of the Toads turned into bricks and… Shrubbery…. Is this Super Mario Bros.? …… It’s not just a damsel in distress story?

Well, it is. The princess is the only one who can revert the black magic that the King Koopa is using, but that’s the main reason why Bowser has Peach captive, among other things. Mario, a brave plumber straight out of 5th Avenue, storms several castles looking for her. Unfortunately for Mario, Bowser has several body doubles and no way to tell who’s the real one (minus using FIRE), so it’s a challenge Mario must take one step at a time… By jumping on enemies and destroying the Toads.

Methodology: 100% completion of the game, which means every level run on Regular, and every level run on New Game+ i.e. Hard Mode. No cheats. Save states were used at the beginnings of levels (and in the middle of levels on Hard Mode). No guide was used.

Estimated Play Time: Main + Extras took me about an hour. 100% completion took me two hours.

Review:

If you know Mario, you probably know that plot isn’t an essential part of the game. It’s mostly the means to an end, and nothing else. That said, it’s nice to know this brief hidden backstory deep in the manuals of the NES, unwilling to share it’s secrets with those on the Virtual Console. The plot itself isn’t entirely original, although it’s a bit macabre to hear those blocks you’re destroying to get precious items used to be people, and you’re basically slaughtering millions, destroying them for the precious coins. To the many people who played this game, you monsters: yes, I am a monster too. I’m critiquing old NES games.

Despite how long it has been since this game’s release, the visuals haven’t aged well, but it looks like Super Mario Bros., if that means anything. Mario is as lively as ever, with the red overalls and cap we recognize today. The background is still crisp, with bushes, clouds, and blocks being instantly recognizable. The Fire Flower and Star stick out, and fireballs pop out in the environment. The sprites and enemies are noticeable and iconic, with the infamous Goomba and Koopa Troopa looking like what they should look like. There are graphical hiccups however. Sprite flickering can be seen in the later levels, mainly castles when there are too many things on screen, but this doesn’t show up often. The pasty, photo-negative background changes you’ll see occasionally for later levels, however, aren’t winning brownie points.

The soundtrack of Super Mario Bros is still as lively as ever. The traditional Level 1 music is still iconic today as the main theme of Super Mario Bros, and it’ll be remembered until the end of time. Koji Kondo’s work is pure art, and it’s so damn catchy too, even after hearing it a thousand times, to the point where every Mario game has made a remix of it to some degree. The underground theme, while minimalist, is also very iconic, and the underwater theme isn’t so bad either. It doesn’t get repetitive, since you don’t hear it nearly often enough for it to do so. The sound effects are also nice, from the breaking of bricks to bopping enemies in midair.

The meat of the game? It’s a basic side-scroller platformer. Mario starts tiny and moves across a linear landscape, using A to jump and holding B to run, and he can jump over blocks and pipes to get to his destination. Mario can also destroy blocks by jumping underneath them, and Question ? blocks leave prizes, which 90% of the time are coins, but it could also be a mushroom to make the tiny Mario bigger, or a Fire Flower to grant him the power of being a pyromaniac, shooting fire from his hands to hurt enemies (except for the dumb Buzzy Beetles). There’s also the lovely Starman, which gives you an invulnerability to enemies for about 10 seconds.

You start the game with three lives, the number of which can be increased with 1-Ups (another item from ? Blocks) or collecting 100 coins, which are spread out through the level. Lose all your lives, and it’s game over, and you have to start from the very beginning! Or, you can hold A and press start to restart in the world you just died in. It only takes one hit to kill you, although the Fire Flower and Mushroom grant you breathing room, granting you an extra hit before you die (though the first hit will make you small Mario again).

At the end of each level is a flagpole, which serves as the end of the level. The journey to get there, however, isn’t easy, since Bowser has spread out his minions all across the map to make your journey that much harder. There are 8 worlds to journey through, and each world has 4 levels. There are, of course, variations to each level. Some levels take place atop sky mushrooms, where everything is tight knit on firm jumping across land masses. A few levels even take place underwater, where you must dodge fish and avoid getting sucked into low vortices. There’s also underground levels, with a claustrophobic level design brought about with a dark background and some machinations like moving platforms or a crapton of bricks. Finally, we have the castle levels, the last levels of each world, where Bowser isn’t pulling any punches. There’s a lot of fire, with fireballs coming from the bottom of the screen, lava to jump over, fire bars around blocks to make your journey short, and of course, Bowser at the end of each.

Level design is the name of the game in Super Mario Bros, and it’s stellar. The first level itself is still a model for many platformers today, introducing the game’s mechanics without having a tutorial, serving to show the player how to handle tougher obstacles by first forcing him to deal with the easy versions. There’s also bonus rooms under the surface in pipes, where you can get a ton of free coins. Added to that are secret warp places which only the most clever of players find. Add all this and you have a great formula for level design, that when combined with creativity, you have tons of high quality levels you can play at your whimsy. Unfortunately, the dev team’s creativity eventually ran out and several levels ended up being reused with harder elements introduced in later worlds. The Castle levels are also guilty of unforgiving design, with no room to breathe in between gauntlets. You’ll occasionally find batshit insane enemy placement as well, which can give you nightmares.

The controls for the NES are pretty smooth, considering how basic the controller is. Using the B button to run and the A button to jump will become natural pretty quickly, and the D-pad has no issues at all in responsiveness, as Mario turns quite quickly. That said, the usage of the A button leaves something to be desired. Sometimes I swear it won’t let you jump, as if you have to press the A button as hard as humanly possible. And this happens often enough that it’s a problem. In addition, when Mario picks up enough speed with B, he gets a lot of momentum, making it hard to slow down, turn around, or even causing problems with jumping, as if that didn’t have enough problems already. This is mitigated in future Mario games, but it’s a problem here. I find myself dying quite often, not because of poor judgment calls, but because I’ll often go way farther than I mean after a jump and I can’t slow down no matter how hard I try. Occasionally it won’t even let you jump as you leave a platform, causing you to fall to your death.

Enemies come in all shapes and sizes, and most of the enemies in this game make their iconic appearance in style. We have the standard mooks, such as the Goomba and Koopa Troopa, but what you’ll really see the most are the Piranha Plants, coming out of the pipes in the ground to snap at your feet. We also have the Goomba replacement Buzzy Beetle (which is stupidly enough, invulnerable to fire), and the winged variant of the Koopa Troopa, the Koopa Paratroopa. Each of the enemies adds more flavor to the game, although there are some rather unfair ones: the Blooper, a squid that pursues Mario underwater, and the Hammer Bro, a helmeted Koopa that throws an endless supply of hammers come to mind. The Blooper can only take damage from the Fire Flower, and the Hammer Bro is almost impossible to jump on because the hammers get in the way all the time. The Hammer Bro right before the last boss is especially unforgiving. There’s also the infernal Lakitus that throw Spinies at you from up above, chasing you until the end of the stage.

The bosses are of short supply, well…. It’s really just one. At the end of each world, there is Bowser, the Koopa King, but the first seven are actually decoys, with the last being the true one. They’re all very similar, but they have small variations. For the first five worlds, each just shoots fire, while for the rest each copy also throws hammers. Each is on a bridge that may or may not have boxes above, and there is always an axe at the back that should you touch, destroys the bridge, throwing Bowser or his copy into lava. Bowser and his copies also occasionally jump, leaving room to run below them in order to touch the axe quickly. Bowser is also vulnerable to his own weapon, so a Fire Flower will make short work of him. It makes for a remarkably repetitive but not altogether boring boss. It’s a cakewalk if you have the Fire Flower, but without it, is an entirely different story. That said, could’ve used some more variety in the boss category.

There isn’t a lot of content in the game. There are of course the earlier mentioned bonus rooms under the surface, but other than that, the only feature besides the regular playthrough is Hard Mode, where all the Goombas are replaced with Buzzy Beetles (to infuriate you even further), some stages are replaced with harder counterparts, and enemies move faster. Other than that, there’s basically nothing else.

The difficulty is Nintendo Hard. One-ups are uncommon unless you exploit a one-up technique, utilizing a Koopa Troopa and stairs to your advantage, but otherwise there are only eight 1-ups in the entire game, and coins are very uncommon, strangely enough. No save feature can also be bad assuming you’re not playing on VC, and then there’s the fact that you start at the beginning of the world you died last in. Add that to problematic momentum, not the most responsive of jump buttons, Hammer Bros that throw hammers at an absurd rate that makes it almost impossible to jump on them, and finally, punishing castle levels, and you have an infuriating Mario adventure. Of course, I could just suck at Mario Bros, but I don’t ever remember dying so often in Super Mario Galaxy, and I never really feel it’s my fault when I die here. The difficulty isn’t a linear curve either, if anything it’s rather schizophrenic. This is especially apparent in World 6 and World 7, where short, easy levels are surrounded by harder ones.

Replayability value is relatively small but rather fun. Hard Mode is an extra feature to add another hour to your playtime, if you feel ballsy enough (or if you can stomach the unfair enemies), and warps do add different playthroughs, as you can go from World 1 to World 4 to World 8, skipping 5 of the worlds completely. It’s not a lot, but it’s something.

Definitely enjoyed a normal run of this game. I died many a time, but this game still had me going. I never thought to rage quit despite my 100+ deaths, although Hard Mode certainly isn’t worth it. The unfair difficulty spikes, the fight with the A button, and the Mario momentum is frustrating, but it’s Super Mario Bros. It’s still a platformer to enjoy today, and it still has a lot of great level design and good gameplay that hasn’t aged as much as it probably could’ve. Not one of the best platformers out there, but it’s not just a piece of history.

That being said, I’d give this game an 8 out of 10.

Recommended Most For:

People who own a NES

Mario fans

People who enjoy platformers

People who want a taste of Mario history

So, what do you think? Too soft? Too harsh? Let me know in the comments.

If there’s anything I missed, or something you’d like to say about the review, let me know.

Also, if you’d like, give your own take on the game. Do you own this game? Have you played/finished it? Any memories you’d like to share?

See you next time!

—–ShadowSect

Credit: ShadowSect wrote first draft. Thanks to SGG for spell-checking, making sure this review didn’t look too much like an essay, fixing many grammatical errors, and for insulting my cliche style of writing.