#that using ur dishwasher is cool and normal. and that whatever u can get done is good enough.

[themslash]

i was feeling real down about the undisclosed misogyny event that happened to me over the weekend (if u know u know) so i looked around the kitchen to see whats in here and made coffee and banana waffles. please clap.

[cravingcrazewriting]

Doubts {Treebros}

A/N- This is for the DEH gift exchange! @sincerely-us They're @unoriginalurl77, and one of their prompts was Evan has a bad day, cue hurt/comfort. Trigger Warning- mentions of cutting

The second Evan can't get out of bed, he knows it'll be a bad day.

He couldn't feel anything. Whatever emotion resigned from the day before had completely left, leaving him feeling numb. Well, emotionally numb. It felt like there was a giant weight of expectations and wants everyone expected from him but he just couldn't.

He couldn't even get out of bed.

"Evan? Aren't you going to get ready?" Heidi knew Evan usually got up early so he had plenty of time to eat and get ready to go. She was a bit worried, but she tried to have a little fun with him, for both their sakes.

"I— I can't," Evan choked out, bunching his blankets up and shutting his eyes tight.

"You can't?" Heidi asked slowly, almost to herself. "Is it one of those days?"

He was freaking her out, making her worry, just like always. She'd have to call in and waste her time. She could be resting but no, no Evan had to have issues, like usual. He had to keep bearing her down, keep being a burden, keep being worthless.

"I'll take that as a yes," oh, he hadn't said anything. Faintly, he registered her sigh and run her fingers through his hair. The familiar touch was grounding and nice. "I'll call in for you, okay?"

Evan could only nod as she pulled out her phone and called the school. He didn't catch everything she said, just that he wasn't going to school. Everything else was faded and a blur. It didn't feel real. Nothing felt real.

After Heidi left, Evan fell asleep for an hour. When he woke again, he saw some eggs sitting on his nightstand, and was reminded of the fact he hadn't eaten anything, from the emptiness of his stomach. He willed himself to slowly sit up from the confines of his blankets, and carefully took the plate onto his lap so he wouldn't spill it (even if he did, he didn't think he was in the right mental state to clean it up).

Heidi always made pretty much everything great, which was a shame she wasn't home as much, but it was a treat when she cooked for Evan. Part of his mind scolded him for making her use probably the last of the eggs when she could've given him pop tarts or something. Evan sucked in a breath and closed his eyes tight, trying to will away those thoughts. He fisted his blankets as he tried to stay calm and not spiral. They didn't use eggs much, anyways. There wasn't a lot of harm done, and they could go a week or two without them.

Once he managed to relax, he set the plate back on his nightstand to put away later and grabbed his phone, and well. He wasn't expecting a barrage of messages.

Con: hey were r u?

Con: r u ok? I'm hella worried

Con: should I get ur math??

Con: fuck it

Con: I'm getting ur math

Con: r u sick? I kinda just wanna skip and come see u

Con: evvvvv please answeeerrrr

Evan shook his head, finding those messages from his boyfriend just a bit endearing. Briefly, he knew it was around third hour and that class was still in session, but he couldn't ignore him, because would Connor get the wrong idea? Would he be bothered by what he'd say? He'd hurt him if he ignored the message because it'd seem like Evan didn't care enough to reply, which was not the case, he did care, almost too much, and then Connor would break up with him, his mom would see how heartbroken he was, get even more worried, and he'd end up being one of those guys that couldn't leave his house due to an overbearing family member.

It was extremely unlikely, but Evan's mind was all over the place that day. Deep down, he knew it was unlikely, but some parts were far too probable.

Evan: Just taking a mental health day. I'm okay.

Evan: You can come after school?? If you're not busy??

Evan: I just don't want to make you skip.

After an agonizing few minutes, he got a response.

Con: hell yeah i'm coming over. Gotta be crazy not to.

Ironically enough, that was enough to make Evan smile a little.

Con: and ur not a burden. Don't care how many times I have to say it, cuz I always will.

Con: I love u, Ev.

Con: <33333

Evan: I love you too, Connor. So fucking much <333

Evan tried to use Connor's words to motivate himself. He was loved, he was loved, he was loved, he stubbornly kept telling himself as he moved to sit on the side of the bed, and elevated himself upwards, stumbling only once to regain his footing. He took the plate and let out a breath.

'Small steps,' he thought to himself. 'Small steps. Take it at one, small step at a time.'

It wasn't anything big, but he made his way to the kitchen, washed his plate with a few others, and put it in the dishwasher for a more thorough rinsing later on (when it was full, at least). Afterwards, he walked out onto his backyard porch, in need of some fresh air.

Evan let out a small breath, leaning against the wooden railing as he gazed at the trees that stretched outwards beyond him. Normally, he would've been freezing, as he was only wearing grey shorts and a long sleeved blue t shirt, but in that moment, it didn't bother him. The only thing he could register was his own thoughts that made him spiral further and further downwards.

'He was completely worthless. It took him hours to get out of bed when it's supposed to come naturally. He can't talk to people, he can't do anything worthwhile. So many people have it worse than he does. He's just a burden on his mom and Connor. He's a burden on Alana, Zoe, and Jared. They don't care. Nobody does. It's all just an act, a sham. Why would they care?'

Evan spent almost an hour outside, crying softly as he held onto his arms. The bitter air was only warming up slowly and slowly, but it wasn't enough for his body. Deep down, he knew he had to go back inside. He assumed he was pretty much guaranteed to get a cold at this rate, but he didn't want anything worse.

Warmth cascaded all through Evan as he re-entered the empty house. His body felt like it was ignited as he got uncomfortably warm. He rubbed at his arms as he went to the bathroom to try and cool down.

He shed his clothes quickly and stepped into the shower, flinching at how cold it was. He didn't have the willpower to change it, though, because really, that was why he went in. To cool off, that was all.

Evan caught a glimpse of his hips and legs. They were barraged with various scars, some short and ending roughly while others were long and carefully planned out. He began to shake slightly, willing his eyes away as he curled his hands into fists. Despite trying to shake away the self deprecating thoughts that clouded his mind, he began to cry. He felt ashamed of those scars, and he wanted to heal so badly. While granted, none were very recent, there had been some lapses he wasn't proud of.

He spent a half an hour inside the shower, occasionally letting a couple of tears drop from his eyes, and once he's out, he feels awful about the time he took, and that the water bill would probably go up because of him.

Evan didn't feel like changing his outfit drastically, as he slipped on some sweatpants to forget about what caused his (second) breakdown in the first place. After he grabbed his phone and a blanket, he curled up onto the couch with said blanket and began watching whatever was on television. He didn't move from his spot, despite knowing he needed to eat lunch, but couldn't find the motivation to.

Con: hey Ev, I just got out and I'm coming to see u rn :3

Evan: You can just come in when you get here. Just ring the doorbell for a forewarning

Con: got it. Omw

About ten minutes after their short conversation, the doorbell rang, and a moment after, Connor stepped inside.

"Hey Ev. Doing okay?" His expression had worry printed all over.

When Evan attempted to reply, he realized he hadn't uttered a single word all day. So, he cleared his throat and said, "Kinda."

"Your eyes are red," one thing Connor was trying to work on was not jumping to conclusions, but he still slipped up more than he cared to admit.

Evan couldn't deny a statement like that. So, he just shrugged his shoulders.

"Can I— is it okay if I touch you?" Connor took a seat beside him, keeping a little distance.

Evan, who didn't feel like using his voice, just nodded.

Connor scooted closer to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You wanna talk about it?"

Deep down, he sort of wanted to, but at the same time, he couldn't because it was too much. "Um— later?"

"Okay," he whispered, giving his shoulder a little rub. "What'd you need right now?"

"A distraction, p-please?" Evan was shaking slightly, and leaning into his touch.

Connor seemed happy to oblige, as he began talking about stuff that happened at school. Heidi had apparently told his mom that Evan wouldn't be there, but he didn't learn this till fifth hour from Jared, after they'd already established that. He talked about how Alana apparently didn't take mental health days, but that she hoped he'd feel better. Apparently Zoe had been worried at first too, because she informed Connor of a small routine they had. When they were passing from first hour to second hour, they'd cross paths and wave. Connor surprisingly found it nice as they had their own thing.

He then launched into rant about the math teacher, how she didn't know what she was doing, and how easily she gave up on kids. Apparently she told Connor he just wasn't going anywhere in life (that was absolutely not true at all, she said that to other students), and he had to resist the urge to just scream at her with how wrong she was, because that'd just prove her point.

When he was done talking, Evan cleared his throat, "Er, I'm ready, now."

"Okay," Connor moved his arm from his shoulders to grab his hand. He was waiting for Evan to start.

He took a deep, slightly unsteady breath, and began, saying, "This morning I couldn't get out of bed. I just... c-couldn't face the world as the disappointment I am. I couldn't— I couldn't force myself up, everything was just— t-too much."

Evan spared a glance at Connor, who looked upset at this new information, but didn't say anything. He made a gesture for him to continue.

"I managed to fall back asleep. When I woke up uhm, mom l-left some eggs for me and you texted me. So I did all that.. s-stuff and went outside. It just... hit me, that I'm b-burdening everyone, that all of you would be better off without me," Evan feebly rubbed at his eyes. He didn't want to start crying for a third time that day.

He felt Connor's grip on his hand tighten. "Evan, no... that's not true at all. It's okay to need a break, or to break down, because I know you'll get back up. That's what you always do, and that's what makes you so strong. If you... were gone now, I'd be heartbroken. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, but mostly, I'd wonder how I could've helped.."

Evan sniffled, and rubbed his nose.

"You're my light at the end of the tunnel. You help me find my way and keep me going. If I lost you, I’d be lost,” he smiled sadly. “I love you, Evan, and I’ll try to be the same for you.”

He was crying again, but this time, it was happy tears. He pulled Connor into a hug and whispered, “Thank you, Connor. I love you, too.”

And as he felt Connor’s arms wrap around him, he finally felt okay.