#that since they value academics and my dad went to the same cursus when he was young therefore they'd know it takes a lot of work | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

anaalnathrakhs · 1 month ago

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no really there is a special kind of academic grief when your classes are fascinating, they present interesting challenges, your homework is stimulating, fun to do, and you feel good when you get it done, your classmates are kind and fun and have so much interesting shit to say.

but you're wayyy busy spending your time 50% trying to be the best potted plant your parents have ever owned 50% blasting your brain with endless stimulation lest you start crying and hitting yourself because you had an unpleasant thought.

#ngl it was extremely hard in the first few weeks like socially and regarding the working environment #(2000 students in a building that's Not That Big is awful i wanted to rip my ears off)#but i deeply miss having FUN during exams #listen. is it fun to be at 8am sharp in the exam hall? no.#was it a fun feeling last year to hang the whole trajectory of my life and education on 5 exams? no.#but they were fun i was having a good time i really liked constructing my point throughout the paper #i'm dogshit at it but it doesn't matter the point was that i was having fun and practicing and improving #now i work half an hour out of four being extremely slow at making the worst plan i've ever made in my life #and then the lethargy takes me and i sleep standing straight in my chair the whole three hours that i have left #awful #the whole point of picking a cursus with a lot of classes and a lot of homework was to escape my parents #that since they value academics and my dad went to the same cursus when he was young therefore they'd know it takes a lot of work #that they'd leave me alone and they wouldn't keep feeding into the fucking compulsions or whatever the fuck they are #but NO no again it's clear that no matter how much time i spend with them how much i center my whole life around them and their routine #it's never enough it's never enough to earn myself some peace #their way is the objective Good and Comfortable way to live and deviating from it must mean i'm wicked and sad and i'm failing and them too #no matter how clear i have tried my best to be on the many occasions i've told them THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE AND DO FOR YOUR SAKE #i was more independant when i was younger and everybody told me it was wrong it was weird i was just a wittle baby who needed mommy #i didn't earn this independance #now i'm trying my best to please them and comply with what they want. except what they tell me they want they don't want apparently.#and it doesn't earn me any independance either #broadcasting my misery #vent

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