#that said in my friend group where im the oldest by 2 whole entire years i also learn so much from them and their attitudes to life

[indigodawns]

watching any edition of in the soop really never fails to make me 1) want to eat steak fried rice or noodles and 2) move to korea to go live in the mountains

[rabitzzz]

guess ill explain whats up huh

cw for death and suicide and like . genuine traumadumping

my entire life ive really struggled with making friends . not even that , im really charismatic on the surface so i make friends easily . keeping them is a whole different story . its likely because ive never had in depth professional help for my trauma which leads me to be really dependent on others , because professionals have told me i show clear signs of separation anxiety and codependency . its been this way my whole life

this kinda came to a peak in 2018 when i was 16 and finally had a little group of friends online , where a majority of my friends have been for ... forever . we had a discord server for talking and another for rp and we were all super close . one of my closest friends i was closest to was called tobio ( like the hq guy ) and i was friends with him for 8yrs at that point . ive never had a friendship last that long before or since . he was kinda the ringleader of the group snd he was 18 . the oldest person there was a guy called kami and he was 21 or 22 . kami was like my older brother , and he was tobios bf . the other major players in this story are asteria ( 15 ? ) and jay ( 19 )

jay and i met in august when tobio introduced him to the group . i didnt know it then but jay was my first fp , i think . within a week i had developed the biggest most obvious crush in the world and he reciprocated . we ended up dating and to this day he is the ... dare i say he was the only healthy relationship ive ever had , and im sad to admit ive had at least a dozen partners .

a lot happened in that group . something happened that caused a fight between to asteria and tobio , and both of them vented to me . but i was neutral — these were my friends , i wanted them to get along !! i wanted the group to stay together !! but i said something ( " even if tobio was abusive , im just afraid of the others feeling as if they have to make a choice of which side to be on . i dont want that to happen " or something similar . a hypothetical for sure ) to asteria and she took that response out of context , and the friend group split in half between jay / tobio / kami , and asteria and a couple others . i was the ONLY neutral one . out of at least 6 . and i got blamed for everything falling apart .

it was 2 months after i started dating jay when this happened , and we broke up because of it . because he didnt like that i could be friends with someone who accused his lifelong irl friend ( tobio ) of being abusive . during those 2 months , jay wasnt online a single time . and tobio said irl he couldnt find jay either

jay had a job and a dog and lived by himself . it was terrifying for everyone . and again , i was blamed . everyone thought he killed himself after breaking up with me because he always said he couldnt live without me . this was october 8th

jay came back really late september , or really early december . like last day or first day . and we caught up because while he was gone , i would message him updates . sometimes splitting and saying i hated him for disappearing , for scaring me like this . i would send him pretty photography i took walking home from school . i told him how tobio and asteria and the others all stopped talking to me , but that kami stuck around because he was the only one who told me nothing was my fault . jay finally showed me a selfie ( blonde with freckles and hazel green eyes . his eyes were so pretty ) and we talked about us . about how he loved me but the 3 year age gap bothered him so he wanted to wait until i was 17 in april to get back together . we talked about his identity crisis . he got me out of the toxic relationship i had gotten myself into with someone who was way too possessive of me ( and traumatized me sexually despite being 14 / 15 )

jay got me and tobio to be friends again . it was me , jay , tobio , and kami . our group was smaller , but we were together again . i was happy

december 11th . im in class and out of data so i cant be online all day . i finally get around 1pm and see frantic messgaes from jay . typos and full on fear because he thinks tobio killed himself and he cant contact him . asking me if ive heard from him . jay was never frantic . tobio had gone missing in another country and he wasnt this scared before . the messgaes were three hours old and jays offline . i panic and start explaining why i was offline and i hadnt heard from tobio but trying to reassure him . no response . i try calling him on discord . no answer . im crying in my supplementary class because my most important person is stressed and i dont know how to help . if i can .

just earlier that day , before i went to school , he told me he loved me and hed always be there for me .

that was our last conversation .

id never hear from him again .

tobio would come back on the 13th and cut me off entirely . i asked kami and he said to give tobio some time beacause something really bad happened

11 days pass and i havent heard from jay . im upset because this scared me . i didnt want another 2 month disappearance

december 24th . christmas eve . i tell kami im really upset because i havent heard from jay yet since tobios suicide scare

december 24th

8:24pm

kami tells me the " bad thing " that happened

was jay dying .

his last words were for me . tobio told me because kami tried to have us talk things out , to rekindle our 8yr friendship , because we were jays most important people . tobio tells me he hates my guts . he always had . he tried to drop me so many times but i always found him , always clung to him , always annoyed him . he told me i had been too much for jay and thats why he died , because a healthy 19yr old doesnt die in their sleep for no reason . i was too needy , too clingy , too much to " babysit and take care of " , and thats why jsy died

kami broke up with tobio

me and kami drifted apart over the rest of 2019 , not for a lack of trying . too much had happened .

so yeah . this whole thing i have about being so dependent and needing attention is both a result of and a cause of my trauma . ive never learned how to deal with it . thats why ive been so weird for a few months . thats why i get so jealous of healthy friendships and relationships . thats why im hard to get along with sometimes . thats why im in therapy

ill be better one day i think . i hope

sorry ^^;;;

[boyfriem-moved]

pl ea se info dump about your ocs

oh boy ok you,,, don’t want this but u already asked and it’s too late to go back so im just gonna start talking

ok so i have like 2 separate oc worlds and 3 seperate groups of ocs within those (these are just the main ones, there’s ones i don’t think abt anymore and ones i’ve abandoned and fan characters and stuff but if i went over all of that i’d be here all day so i’ll just stick with these)

so the first world is just our world, modern day, but with magic. there’s this one town, barnsley, georgia, that’s cut off from the rest of the world. most ppl drive by without ever noticing it, and if someone tries to go in who’s not wanted the town will disappear or try to kill them or just do something to keep them out. it’s a vaguely sentient town. in barnsley there’s a big forest and no one’s ever gone in and come out the other side. there’s ambiguous danger in the forest, mostly faeries who will make you fall in love with them and then kill you and harvest your bones and stuff.

so there’s like 4-6 characters depending on where we’re looking at in terms of what storyline i’m following (this is the one that i did nanowrimo for three (3) times and have over 100,000 words of thrown out content for and obsess over constantly so it has the most solid plot and there’s a lot of it) so anyways i’ll just go over all 6 and try to make it as simple as possible without talking about converging storylines and alternate drafts and stuff

ok! so! vi larson-park is the daughter of one of barnsley’s 3 great magicians! her mom could do all sorts of crazy magic and i can’t get into the parents’ backstory here bc they have a whole OTHER story and that’s just. too much (maybe i’ll do that later? we’ll see) so yeah her mom did magic and also made some bad deals and stole some stuff from the woods and indirectly caused some ppls deaths but it’s like fine probably. so vi grew up with her mom, natalie, her mom’s witch girlfriend, erica, and erica’s twin brother, simon (who i’ll get into later and also who doesn’t exist in half the scrapped drafts) in this big empty DEFINITELY HAUNTED house on the edge of town where erica grew up and they were good and happy. then like a year ago natalie was killed by nick, who i’ll also get into later, and that’s kinda the end of her story, vi and erica are obviously devastated and they have a funeral and vi starts having the occasional odd dream here and there, but things go back to normal after awhile. vi has absolutely no aptitude for magic, and because of that she often feels alienated by erica and simon who are VERY magical and always talking about things she doesn’t understand. she’s fiercely loyal and protective and not really scared of anything. she’s always wanted to know what’s in the woods but knows better than to go looking

tyler is vi’s best friend and also 50% whole entire Not Human. he either came from the woods or was found outside a random gas station in like arizona or something depending on which draft i’m going by, but either way he was found around two years ago and has been clinging to vi ever since. his backstory is a big unknown to the human characters and no one really knows anything about him. he’s a faerie prince, the son of the erlking, who’s sort of the ambiguous villain of the story but i’ll get into him later. he has 3 brothers, sorrel, dain, and kell. sorrel is the oldest and known as the winter prince, then there’s kell for spring, dain for summer, and tyler himself for autumn. (btw his name isn’t actually tyler technically it’s robin but i'm not gonna get into that rn.) sorrel is cool and collected and stone cold bitch, and all he wants is to be king so he roped tyler into helping him try and kill their dad, which failed, so then he lost his position in the royal court and now he’s doing tons of morally gray stuff in an attempt to get back in his dad’s favor so he can kill him for real this time. dain and kell are sort of nothing at all and you don’t need to know anything except dain is really mean and violent and kell is an ally(?). after the whole failed killing debacle tyler ran away to barnsley in hopes that he could find something in common with the humans, since he’d been a faerie all his life and couldn’t stand it. he’s quiet and doesn’t like doing or saying things unless he absolutely has to, is generally unhelpful unless something benefits him, scared of being alone, hates being indoors, runs around barefoot and only eats food from the woods. he’s kinda like an outdoor cat.

nick and marcus jacobs are brothers and general hooligans. nick is the older one (he’s 19) and marcus is 15 and they grew up in barnsley for the first 14 years of marcus’ life until marcus accidentally killed their dad and they left town. which the dad killing subplot is really a lot to get into but basically their dad was the second magician, along with vi’s mom, except the effects of magic on a person can kinda drive a person insane and the others managed to keep it together but he slowly went crazy until he was paranoid and in pain all the time and ended up taking a lot of it out on his sons which ended in him threatening marcus and marcus in an act of self defense unleashing raw magic power he didn’t know he had and accidentally killing him and also taking out all the power in the entire town and causing a minor earthquake. it was a Big Deal. so yeah they buried their dad in the backyard and skipped town. after their dad died all his magic went down to nick so nick has newfound power (marcus btw has never been able to use magic since then and has no idea how he did it) but he also has voices in his head and weird dreams, and with all the voices yelling at him all the time he realizes that the only way to get rid of them is to get rid of the magicians. his dad did some magic bullshit that made him the vessel for the magic once he died but the other magicians didn’t so he doesn’t have to kill anyone besides them and it makes sense bc i say it does shut up. so for like a year they drive around aimlessly, meet with and kill vi’s mom, meet with and kill aidan’s dad (i’ll get to aidan once i’m done here), pick up a hitchhiker depending on which version of the story i’m telling, then go back home where they’re not really welcome anymore but that won’t stop them. nick is cold and mean and. y’know. a murderer, but he also loves marcus greatly and gets attached to people more easily than he would like to admit. he’s sort of closed himself off and resigned himself to killing “for the greater good”, but it’s hard for him, and there’s definitely people he wouldn’t kill. he fully planned to, once he got rid of the magicians, never kill again, and he keeps that promise. marcus is soft spoken and anxiety ridden and a bit of a crybaby and he hates death and doesn’t fully trust nick and doesn’t trust himself either. on the outside he appears bitter and angry constantly.

aidan mulligan is a HOOLIGAN! a whole entire rowdy boy! he’s also the son of the third magician and marcus’ ex(?) boyfriend? more like boyfriend on standby. it’s complicated. there’s nothing special to him, he’s rowdy bc his parents never gave him enough attention so he runs around with people he doesn’t really like and is always getting into trouble. his favorite activities are skipping church and running the local cryptid watch am radio station, which no one listens to and which he used to run with marcus. he misses marcus dearly and keeps waiting for him to come back. he’s loud and talkative and his mood changes drastically but is always on the highest setting. he’s either screaming-and-throwing-things angry or unable to shut up and bouncing all over the place. not to pick favorites but he’s my favorite i really love him. his life moto is “fuck you dad” basically. oh yeah nick killed his dad and stuff and it’s hit him hard but he’s not as torn up by it as he probably should be, which he feels terrible about. his mom lives on the other side of the country and doesn’t currently know his dad is dead, which isn’t really something you’re supposed to keep secret generally but the mulligan family said fuck the rules. he has two brothers, connor and seamus (connor older, seamus younger) and loves both of them though he would never admit it.

simon diederich is the secret special bonus magician!! also i think i gotta talk abt parent backstory for him so,,,, here goes: basically, simon and vi’s mom and marcus and aidan’s dads all stole magic from the forest in a way that doesn’t super make sense but it’s my story i can do what i want. and in the process simon died and they had to leave him behind in the woods, but then since the magic in the forest was weak it couldn’t continue being formless or else it would turn into nothing since so much of it had been damaged by the humans or w/e. so it took simon’s body as a vessel and resurrected him with all his old memories but also 100% more magic power. so he took that power and went back home and has been just straight chillin, unaging, for 30-ish years. he got like. immense wisdom when he was resurrected and is also possessed by a sentient forest so he does what the forest wants which is protect the town and fistfight anyone he doesn’t like. he’s obnoxious and immature and thinks he’s hot shit and loves these trees more than he loves other people probably

bonus character: lila is the ghost who lives in vi’s attic. she’s like 7. i love her

THAT HURT MY FINGERS TO TYPE. I HAD TO MOVE TO GOOGLE DOCS TO DO THIS BC TUMBLR KEPT LAGGING AND MY WORD COUNT IS NEARING 2000 BUT W/E LETS KEEP GOING

next, still in the same universe, are the residents of greywell, washington. greywell is what’s on the other side of those woods no one can cross in barnsley. how does that work? magic obviously. greywell is a lot like barnsley but more sinister, it’s a lot newer so the characters aren’t as fleshed out (with one exception) and there’s really only 3 i actually care abt so this ones gonna be a lot shorter. i’ve thought abt plot but nothing solid so there’s some...stuff but mostly this one will be short

zoe hammond: amateur teen witch who’s also cursed. she has an eye on her left hand which is always watching her and she wants off desperately. u know how i said in some versions of the story nick and marcus pick up a hitchiker? that’s her, going to barnsley bc she knows its magic and hopes someone there will know how to fix her. she respects authority and stays in line for the most part, but she also takes shit from no one. she’ll talk to nearly anyone but doesn’t particularly like anyone in town, also she sells witch shit out of the trunk of her car in the school parking lot

wesley: short rowdy trans boy with absolutely no self control who’s stoned all the time and does crazy things for the adrenaline rush and doesn’t bind safely and falls in love with every boy he meets. he skateboards bc of course he does. he’s always ready to fight and punches ppl a lot but usually ends up losing fights bc he’s tiny. i love him

noa: ok this dude went into the woods one (1) time and now there’s this magic glove stuck on their hand? and a ghost in their phone?? and they’re literally so confused and they’ve never had any friends in their entire life but all of a sudden that weird lesbian witch and her crazy skateboarder friend are talking to them all the time and they died? except they woke back up like nothing had happened even though their head basically blew up? and there’s like faeries and stuff coming after them because they want the glove and they can’t get the stupid thing off their hand and they have no idea what’s going on noa is an absolute nervous wreck who’s really fun to draw and they have no idea what’s happening to them and tbh i don’t rly know what i’m doing either but i’m having a good time

ada: the phone ghost.

last set!! i have them all done already from this thing i did with @dogstoes so i’ll just paste them in but first background:

this is a completely separate world, it’s like this 1910s era fictional city with magic and shit. the magic system is kinda complicated but basically there’s elemental magicians who are heavily tied to religion, they’re believed to be sacred and god sent by p much every organized religion. they do elements, it’s pretty simple. then there’s blood magicians who can basically transmute but they have to use their own blood to do it. anyone can learn to be a blood magician but most ppl don’t want to bc. blood ow. blood magicians are an ABOMINATION AGAINST GOD and there’s a stigma against them in religious communities so they tend to populate big cities and less religious places. there’s also healers who are born like elementals and can’t be trained, they’re isolated from both schools of magic bc unlike elementals they’re not pure (well, depending on which religion you ask) and unlike blood magicians they’re not common. born magicians are born with pure black eyes (irises? the colored part. not just all black) that differentiate them from nonmagic ppl. there’s also super intense mary sue magicians who r rare and born with red eyes (i started this world when i was 13 don’t judge me bitch) and they can shapeshift kinda? but in cool ways, it’s not just shapeshifting they could also make their skin tough or nails pointy or w/e. one of them specifically likes to harden his own blood in weapons it’s kinda metal. anyways here’s the character profiles from the google doc pasted in word for word

Characters (bc i suddenly decided this is Sharin With Rivers material If You Shall Take It):

So basically there's these 2 gangs, run by this woman Lyra Frey and this dude Lucas Sweeney, and they Do Not Like Each Other At All. Neither of them are good bc yknow...gangs….but lyra’s is like...better anyways here's characters

Lyra's dudes:

Emil Finch: 21, any and all pronouns, ace, lyra’s right hand man/ veteran of a bloody civil war (TECHNICALLY a war criminal but yknow…it's whatever). Likes cats and Arya, dislikes cigarettes and being short. Their birth name is Emilee, which they  shortened to their liking when they moved to The Big City, and they used their father's name (Finn O'Malley) to join the war. They're a healer magician but ssshhh don't tell anyone. They used their powers to hurt people when they were in The War and now don't trust themselves, so they stick to traditional medicine thank you very much. (Also knives. They’re a big fan of knives.)

Arya Frey: 21, she/her, Lyra’s adopted daughter and mechanic. She has METAL LEGS and has to walk with a cane so she doesn't go outside much, mostly makes machines and strategizes for her mom. Likes drawing, Emil, making things/taking them apart, dislikes cold weather (it makes her joints hurt), magic, Drunk Emil. She has two cats named vriska and karkat. Everyone is suspicious of these names even though it's like 1910 and an alternate universe and homestuck doesn't exist.

Jaz Anaheim: 18, he/him, big gay disaster, a pickpocket who came to the Big City with his brother when he was 16 to work and send money to his mom, stole from a kingpin, joined a gang, watched his brother die in front of him, and lied to his mom for 2 years about his job and his brothers aliveness while he sent her blood money. He's a humble farm boy, no magic, tall and uncoordinated, basically all he can do is steal and flirt badly and he's very aware. Also where he came from magicians were rare because they were all drafted for the war so when he sees magic he's way too impressed. Likes loud music, people being interested in him, his family (just his mom now :’)), his hometown, dislikes the city, feeling disliked, himself, swimming

Sweeney’s band of assholes:

Elliott Sweeney: 24, he/him, Sweeney’s son and certified dad hater. He's a blood magician which are common and not that impressive but he’s good at what he does bc he did nothing but practice for like 6 years. His dad basically controls him and makes him work for him because he's useful. He resents his dad with every ounce of his being but doesn't have the spine to do anything about it. After accidentally burning down part of their house and killing his mom his dad sent him away to the summer house in the country, where he lived for the past 6 years, obediently doing his dad’s bidding and learning how to control his magic until he got fed up and burned that house down (on purpose this time), making his dad move him back to the family house in the city so that he could keep an eye on him. he’s one of those badass mega magicians who does blood swords and stuff, he’s also spent so much time reading that he knows a lot about magic theory. Quiet, reserved, extremely petty, but shows a sense of humor around his sister. Never really knew Alise growing up so he’s more of a cool uncle than a brother. Likes his sister, learning things, astronomy, dislikes his dad, Emil, doing magic, fighting, feeling trapped

Alise Sweeney: 14, she/her, her dad named her Alise with an S because he's just that much of an asshole. She's a self trained blood magician and good at what she does. She hates her dad almost as much as Elliott does but she's also not a fucking baby about it. Is DEFINITELY planning on killing him at some point. Was raised to make jokes and do crime and her brother said if she does crime she's grounded. Has never been serious about anything ever, and probably has a screw loose. Has killed people. Is basically a tiny fighting machine. Her dad was rough on her growing up. Likes picking fights, Elliott and Atticus, pissing off her dad, causing trouble. Dislikes her dad, people stronger than her, tense situations, being alone

Atticus Grey: 16, he/him, not Sweeney’s son but hates him enough that he probably could be (in case you were noticing a theme here, sweeney is kinda unlikeable). His mom left soon after he was born and his dad ran up a huge debt and ended up working for Sweeney to pay it off, then died in a gang fight before he could get through it. Sweeney, the merciless motherfucker that he is, decided that Atticus would finish paying it off, and snatched him up as soon as he was 13. His dad used to hang out with Emil’s and so they ended up taking care of parentless Atticus (along with (extremely reluctant) Arya. Atticus is really close with Lyra’s entire crew because he's spent so much time around them. He's a fire magician who knows a bit of blood magic but barely uses it, and he's an angsty bitch. Likes Emil, being alone, dislikes everything else.

oh yeah then there’s those bitches in charge:

Lyra Frey is a [REDACTED] year old woman from [REDACTED] who moved to the city while fleeing from [REDACTED]. She was in the civil war briefly, fighting for the [REDACTED] side. Her real name is not Lyra, but is actually [REDACTED]. She loves Arya more than anything else probably. Sees Jaz as an unofficial son, is skeptical of Atticus, likes Emil but doesn’t trust them.

Lucas Sweeney is one of those rich bastards who also does crime on the side. He’s a politician but everyone and their mother knows he’s an absolute crime lord on the side. Has arguably more power than Lyra but has no idea how to use it, plus Alise has already recruited like half his employees into joining her uprising. He’s a selfish man and a terrible dad. No one likes him.

uh yeah that is. all!! this is over 3000 words jesus do asks have a word limit? i sure hope not

[sassyshoulderangel319]

Double Date

@batboys-and-other-messes Here’s my 5,300 word Thank You for helping me with the Dating Drama saga! Since you had no words for 25-year-old Tim, here he is again! (I swear it wasn’t supposed to be this long but I got carried away and I wanted to tell the whoLE STORY DANGIT!)

Sunny and Damian were both drawing. Tim and I were on laptops, all sitting in a parlor together trying to get stuff done. I bit my lower lip and pretended I didn’t notice Tim and Sunny shooting each other alternating looks in my peripheral vision. Even though they both glanced at one another when the other wasn’t looking.

I opened a new tab on my internet page and pulled up a website. Then I opened an IM to Damian that would go to his phone.

Me: Damian, I need your help.

His phone buzzed. He picked it up, read the message, and typed back.

Damian: With what, McCloud?

Me: Okay, if Tim or Sunny ask who you’re texting, say Jon is asking you questions about strategy or something.

Me: But these two are KILLING me!

Damian: Meaning what?

Me: C’mon, Wayne. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed them casting each other longing glances from across the room.

Damian: Didn’t notice.

Me: -_- BS.

Damian: Get to the point. Why do you need my help?

Me: I need you to be my date to the amusement park.

Damian’s eyes widened at his phone and he leaned away from the thing like it caught fire. He shot a look at me before furiously replying.

Damian: WHAT? WHAT FOR?!

Me: Because it’s cheaper to get a four-pack “family” entrance pass to the amusement park than three individual passes and I’d have a lot more fun being an awkward third-wheel if I had a fourth-wheel too. So we’ll call it a double date.

Damian: Ask Todd to be your date.

Me: Damian. Jason’s like eight years older than us. Ew gross no. Please?

Damian didn’t reply for a few minutes, ignoring his phone while I went back to typing at my original internet page where I’d been working on a case. He’d glance at his phone as though he was waiting for me to ask again. I declined to do so. In the stubborn game a Wayne would always win, but I had a stubborn streak too and I would win this one.

After a while, he picked his phone back up.

Damian: Fine. But you will owe me a large favor.

Damian: Within reason.

Me: D E A L!

Me: Okay, so the quick plan is we go on a couple rides together, make it seem fun, you know, sit couple and couple (you and me in front because I'm shorter and I want to see your face on the rides and Tim and Sunny behind because they’re taller than me or whatever as long as those two are together) AND THEN we do the LOVE BOAT RIDE!

Damian’s expression when he got to the end of my message was one of alarm.

Damian: THE WHAT?!

Me: Chill, D. It’s this weird boat ride that’s just kinda slow and steady but each boat only seats two people. There’s nothing inherently romantic about it except that the spacing between each boat means you’re completely alone with your boat partner and no one else is around literally the entire time. As kids we called it the Love Boat Ride and always tried to get in the line with our crushes so we’d have some time to chat with them when we went on school field trips.

Damian: You went to an amusement park for field trips?

Me: Yeah. Physics Day every year. Ninth grade I won the egg drop from the skyride—the one that seats like three people and glides gently from one end of the park to the other if you don’t want to walk all that way. We can do that one too and go 2-by-2.

Me: I’m just trying to get these two to admit their feelings for each other. Because it is SO OBVIOUS. Every LONGING glance they give each other is taking five minutes off my life because it’s so PAINFULLY awkward.

Me: You don’t even have to PRETEND to be interested in me. Just be mildly polite. And once we’re done with the Love Boat, you and I disappear and leave them to their date. I intend to follow them around subtly and make sure they’re having fun but you don’t have to join if you don’t want. My phone’s battery will “die” or something. ;-)

Damian: We will see.

I met Damian’s gaze when he looked up at me. I gave him a subtle wink.

Sunny looked up from her sketchbook at the same time Damian and I looked back down at our tasks. “Please tell me you two aren’t texting while you’re in the same room,” she said.

“We are not,” Damian said. “I’m messaging Kent about strategy. He’s hopeless.”

I looked around my little space. “Yeah, I don’t even have my phone,” I said.

Sunny glanced between us, unconvinced until she met my innocent gaze. I wasn’t much of a liar. I told the truth even when it was uncomfortable. That appeared to relax her. She shrugged. “Okay,” she relented.

I looked back to my laptop screen and bought the four-pack pass.

^^^^^

“Sunny!” I called, jogging up to my friend. She turned around.

“Yeah?”

“You busy Saturday?”

“Cloudy, you know I'm not,” she said jokingly, with an amused smile.

“Great. I have this four-pack pass to the amusement park in that suburb between Gotham and Bludhaven. I was wondering if you’d like to go with me.”

“Who else is going?”

“Damian—and Tim if I can convince him,” I said.

Sunny bit her lower lip. “How likely is it that you can convince Tim?”

Depends on if you’re going or not, I thought. “Pretty likely,” I said instead. Especially if you say you’re going. I bet he’ll agree to that in an instant. I didn’t say that out loud but it ran through my head.

“Seriously, Cloudy?” she asked. “You think you can drag Tim away from his work for a whole Saturday to go to an amusement park with us?”

I pretended to think for a moment, a smile playing on my lips. “I can be pretty convincing. I have a PowerPoint about the effects of stress and the benefits of play all lined up.” Not. “I mean, I already convinced Damian to go, so I must be able to do something right.”

Sunny scoffed playfully. “C’mon Cloudy, we both know Damian likes you. He’d jump at the chance to sit next to you on a roller coaster and hope that you’ll hold his hand if you get scared,” she teased.

“Liar. Damian tolerates me because we’re the same age,” I said.

She shrugged. “Can’t blame me for trying.”

“So you gonna go with me? Please?”

She thought for a moment. “Sure,” she settled on.

I beamed and threw my arms around her. “Great! Awesome! Thanks! This is going to be fun!” I exclaimed before running off.

I ran down into the Batcave and jumped on two of the wheel branches of Tim’s rolling desk chair, grabbing the arm so I wouldn’t fall off and sending the chair sliding away from the table.

“Hey Tim!” I greeted.

He swore. “Cloudy! I'm in the middle of an extremely important—”

“Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah,” I cut him off. “Listen, I got this four-pack entrance pass to the amusement park in the suburbs and so far I’ve convinced Damian and Sunny to go with me on Saturday and I want you to come too! My three best friends!”

“You count Damian as one of your best friends?” Tim asked.

“Yes. He’s not so bad once you get to know him a little,” I said. “Please come with? Please?” I gave him my puppy eyes. “Sunny’s coming!” I added with a little impish—and slightly suggestive—smile. Tim stared at me, like he was trying to figure out if I knew he had a crush on Sunny or not. Which I did because a dead body could see how bad he was pining for her and it wasn’t healthy for either of them since she was pining for him too and they were both oblivious idiots!

Ugh.

Playing matchmaker was going to be so much fun.

He finally huffed. “Fine,” he said.

“Great! It’s a group! This is going to be a blast!” I cheered before taking off out of the Batcave to find Damian.

^^^^^

Damian dropped from the stalactites and landed almost soundlessly behind Tim as Cloudy shut the Batcave entrance behind her. There was a water bottle in Damian’s hand and a casual air to his posture.

“How come that ray of sunshine is nicknamed Cloudy?” Tim asked, spinning in his desk chair to face Damian.

Who shrugged. “Her surname is McCloud and her hero alias is Cloudburst,” he answered, taking a swig of his water. “Grayson gave it to her and it stuck.”

“Fair point,” Tim relented. He met Damian’s eye. “Why did we both fall in love with girls nicknamed after the weather?”

Damian choked on the drink of water he’d taken. “I beg your pardon, Drake?” he demanded.

“C’mon, gremlin. We both know you’re crushing on Cloudy hard,” Tim said. “That’s why you agreed to go to the amusement park of all places with her. I know you better than that. There’s no way you’d go to an amusement park if anyone other than Dick or Cloudy asked.” Tim gave Damian a look with his eyebrows raised.

“I tolerate her company more than others,” Damian said, taking another drink and leaving.

“Sssuuurrreee,” Tim muttered under his breath and rolling his chair back to where he’d been working.

^^^^^

I passed the woman the passes that I’d printed out. “Just you four?” she asked.

“Yup!” I replied brightly.

She stamped our hands. “Enjoy your day!”

I smiled. “Thank you!”

Tim, Sunny, and even Damian also offered her their thanks. We ducked through the turnstiles under the wrought iron gate. I bounced up and down in excitement and looked back at Damian, Tim, and Sunny.

“Let’s do this!” I exclaimed.

“Where do we start?” Damian asked.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the left. “This way! Most people start by going to their right, so if we go the other way, we can avoid some of the longest lines!” I answered, glancing over my and Damian’s shoulders to make sure Tim and Sunny were still with us. Sunny was grinning with excitement. Tim looked a little apprehensive but wasn’t nervous yet.

We got in line for the oldest ride in the park—so old that it was made out of wood. It was still safe, but it was old. I suspected they’d be tearing it down within the next couple years.

Once we were in the line, I let Damian’s hand go and looked away from him, slightly embarrassed.

Somewhere overhead, speakers were playing music. Something fun and bright. I bobbed along, full of energy and excitement. It had been so long since I’d come here. The last time I could remember… I was in ninth grade and had won the egg drop on Physics Day. Wow. It had been a long time. Tim and Sunny watched me half-dance to whatever it was that was playing with small smiles while Damian just… watched. And occasionally turned away as though to signal the other patrons that he and I weren’t affiliated.

After maybe ten minutes of standing around, not even sweating because the Gotham-Bludhaven area weather was semi-constantly overcast, we boarded the ride. I insisted on sitting with Damian at the back of the ride with Sunny and Tim in front of us on the grounds that I really wanted to see Damian’s face on his first roller coaster.

“This one’s shaky,” I warned him as we pulled the safety bars down over our laps. “It’s just because it’s made of wood. Don’t worry. It’s safe and the others will be a lot smoother.”

“I'm not worried, McCloud,” Damian said.

I tapped his shoe with my toes and gave him a “thank you” smile. He gave me a nod of acknowledgment. The speaker over the ride’s boarding area played the usual safety brief about minding your hands and feet and the safety bar, and then we were being pulled up the hill.

Damian and I watched Sunny and Tim chat pleasantly about how perfect the overcast weather was for a day at an amusement park—Seriously, you dorks? Weather? I thought in exasperation—and we neared the top of the hill.

As the long string of cars crested the hill, the cheers started. The four of us were in the back two rows, so it hit us last.

We dropped. My stomach swooped like I was on a plane hitting turbulence and I cheered. “WOOHOO!”

Damian’s hands were gripping the handle in front of us so hard his knuckles were blanching. He looked slightly terrified and was obviously trying not to. I held on just lightly so I wouldn’t get jostled around too much and even threw up my hair as we climbed the next hill.

Tim and Sunny were also cheering, both of them with their hands in the air like we weren’t supposed to do according to the safety recording but no one cared.

The ride wasn’t the longest or the funnest, but it was a good time for the first roller coaster of the day.

We went through two other roller coasters (The Bat and The Colossus) before we got to the Shooting Star—a super-fast track of twists and turns where the “cars” were shaped like bullets or bobsleds and could only seat four people single-file with each person sitting between the legs of the person behind them.

When we got to that one, we put me in the front since my legs were the shortest with Damian directly behind, Tim behind him, and Sunny at the rear, claiming she liked to be protected from the wind.

The Shooting Star bullet thing literally shot off the boarding area and sped over its track at top speed. I could feel the loose hairs of my braid whipping my face and Damian’s hands around my waist, even though he could have been hanging onto the handles. I smirked slightly to myself. He was warming up to me a little.

When the ride was over, we all piled out, blinking the dry windburn out of our eyes. I did a leap of exhilaration. “Whoo! That was awesome! What next?”

“My feet are kind of hurting from all this standing,” Sunny remarked. “Skyride?”

“Sure,” I said. The queue to the skyride was close anyway. “Mind riding with Tim? I don’t want someone to ride alone since it only seats three, nor do I want the boys to get in a fight while we’re all trapped gliding gently over the rest of the park.”

“You don’t want to ride with me, Cloudy?” Tim joked.

“Actually, you wouldn’t want to ride with me,” I retorted. “I’d chat your ear off the whole time. Damian on the other hand would just tune me out.”

Damian gave me a look that I ignored as we got in the line for the skyride.

It was a short line since the skyride was essentially a colorful chairlift like those at ski resorts except going straight over an amusement park rather than up a mountain, and so Damian and I hopped on first with Tim and Sunny behind us.

^^^^^

“We’re using the rest of today to get Damian and Cloudy to finally admit they like each other, right?” Sunny asked Tim, keeping her voice down even though there was no way Damian or Cloudy could hear her from their distance ahead.

“You think she likes him back?” Tim asked, unsure.

“Yes,” Sunny said, leaving no room for question. “She grabbed his hand this morning and didn’t even complain about being between his legs on the Shooting Star. Not to mention have you noticed the way she looks at him? If there was ever a heart-eyed expression, it’d be the one she gives him when she thinks no one will notice.” Sunny nodded to how Cloudy was gesturing excitedly to Damian ahead of them, kicking her dangling legs. “See? They’re having fun. Look at Damian, though. Look at his face.”

Tim shrugged. “I don’t know. He looks as blank and bored as he usually does.”

“Maybe. But look at his eyes. He’s staring straight into Cloudburst’s without even rolling his eyes. That’s rare.”

“Fair point,” Tim conceded.

^^^^^

“Okay, so once we get off the skyride, we’re going to get in line for the Love Boat. It’s right by the end of the skyride. With any luck, you and I will get on first. That way we can take off before they reach the end of the ride and go get an ice cream or play an arcade game or something so they can start moving around the park together however they want. Ooh! Or maybe we can hop on the Ferris wheel! Because that thing takes forever so we’d be on there for a while with no choice but to not meet up with them!” I said to Damian.

“Tt. You have certainly planned this thoroughly,” Damian remarked.

I shrugged. “Tim taught me how. Don’t think he figured I’d use it against him ever but… I am now.” I grinned. “But it’s for his own good. He needs to be with Sunny. And she needs to be with Tim!” I said, waving my hands around.

Damian just looked at me, not smiling or rolling his eyes—the two reactions I tended to get from his family the most—as though he didn’t know what to say. Which was rare.

“I understand your reasoning,” he remarked finally.

I grinned brightly.

We hopped off the skyride at the other end of the park and waited just down the exit ramp for Sunny and Tim to join us. They did, grinning with a glint in their eyes that made me feel excited for the Love Boat Ride.

In the line for the Love Boat, I told Damian and Sunny and Tim about the time when I was a kid and I broke the Skee-Ball record completely by accident. Sunny and Tim didn’t appear to be aware of the nickname for the boat ride being the Love Boat, because when we reached the front, there wasn’t even any blushing when the lady asked, “Alright, who’s next?” and I grabbed Damian’s wrist and pulled him on with me.

We climbed into the boat, buckled in, and let it set off down the fake river. It was real water but the boats were on a track, not being pulled by any current whatsoever.

“Did you ever ride this with a crush when you were younger?” Damian asked.

“Hmm?” I asked, looking away from the scenery.

Damian repeated his question.

“Oh. No. When I was younger I didn’t do crushes after the age of like twelve and by the time we started coming here for field trips there really wasn’t anyone I wanted to ride this with. So I went with my best friend and we talked about video games the whole time,” I answered casually.

^^^^^

Tim glanced at Sunny upon realizing that, once the boat pulled into a tunnel covered in a beautiful mural after the beginning, they were completely alone. He couldn’t even see Damian and Cloudy’s boat ahead of them.

C’mon, Drake, he thought. You didn’t have the guts or the time to bring it up when you were alone on the skyride. Just suck it up and tell her NOW!

“Sunny?” he asked quietly.

“Mm?” Sunny glanced over her shoulder at him for a moment.

“I’ve been, uh, I’ve been thinking recently that you and I have, um, gotten really close,” Tim said, cursing his brain for being so awkward. Damian might have been cold and Jason brash, but at least both of them were eloquent. “And, uh, I was wondering if…”

Sunny seemed to sense that Tim was being entirely serious because she turned to look at him permanently.

Tim’s breath hitched in his lungs. Much as he appreciated the curtesy, it was easier without her curious and warm eyes gazing up at him.

Tim kicked himself internally, decided Screw it what’s the worst that could happen?, and looked Sunny square in the eye. “I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me some time,” he said with as much confidence as he could muster.

Sunny gasped, a tiny hopeful grin on her lips. “I… I’d love to!” she replied breathlessly.

Tim let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in anticipation. “Gr… great!” he said. “I was thinking maybe the art museum? Or is that lame?”

“No that sounds like fun!” Sunny said. “When?”

“Well we’ll probably still be tired from this tomorrow, so maybe next weekend?”

“That would be so much fun! I would love to!” To communicate her sincerity, she took Tim’s hand and grinned from ear to ear.

In that moment, he swore he astral projected to just watch him hold her hand from above. His heart pounded somewhere but he was having an out-of-body experience. It happened and it worked! He’d done it!

“I’ll, uh, I’ll be honest with you, Sunny,” Tim said, not sure where this bravery was coming from but he was going to make the most of it. “I’ve actually liked you—as more than a friend—for a while now.”

Sunny grinned. “Me too,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze.

She didn’t let go of his hand for the entire boat ride—which was otherwise uninteresting compared to the double-upside-down loops of The Colossus and the swooping dips of The Bat—and only did when he got out of the boat. But he offered her his hand in getting out. She took it again and then didn’t let go as they walked through the gated path off the ride.

Sunny and Tim looked around. Both of them realizing something wasn’t right at the same time.

“Where… where’s Cloudy and Damian?” Tim asked.

Normally, with the life they led, both Tim and Sunny would have assumed that their friends had been kidnapped.

As it was, Sunny sighed. “Cloudy you little—” She ran her free hand over her hair. “She planned this!”

“Planned what?” Tim asked.

“To isolate us from her and Damian and then split off so the group activity became two separate dates!” Sunny exclaimed.

^^^^^

I tried not to snicker from where Damian and I were hiding. “Clever girl, Sunshine,” I whispered.

Damian took my hand. “Come. Let’s leave before they find us,” he replied quietly, tugging me behind him. We ducked into the line for bumper cars. I fished my phone out of the zip-up pocket in my cargo shorts and started tapping on my screen. “What are you doing?” Damian asked.

“Deactivating the tracking devices Tim slipped into the soles of our shoes,” I answered. “And jamming both of our phones’ GPS signals.”

“How did you…?” Damian began.

“I'm not quite as smart as you guys, but I'm equally paranoid and just as devious,” I replied. Once every way Tim knew how to track us was blocked, I shoved my phone back in my pocket.

Damian swore under his breath in what sounded like… German? I wasn’t sure.

“What?” I asked.

“They’re coming this way,” he hissed, nodding toward the direction we’d come. I peeked out of the corner of my eye.

Yup. There was Sunny’s hair and Tim’s gangly build.

I looked back at Damian. “Kiss me,” I ordered.

“What?!” he demanded, quietly. “That was not part of the arrangement, McCloud.”

“No but PDA makes people uncomfortable. If they look at this line, they’ll barely glance at us and not even realize it’s us,” I said.

“You just stole that from Captain Ameri—” Damian was cut off by me tilting up onto my tiptoes and bringing his head down to mine.

But I didn’t kiss him. I paused less than a finger’s breadth away and waited. From Tim and Sunny’s perspective, it would look like a couple kissing. But I let Damian decide.

He hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath and then sighing out his nose.

He tilted his face forward and closed the kiss.

^^^^^

Sunny grabbed Tim’s hand as they headed to the arcade. “Hey wait,” she said. “Is that Cloudy and Damian?” She nodded at a couple in the bumper cars line.

“Nope. Absolutely not,” Tim said, paying more attention to the fact that she was holding his hand again than what she was saying. He tugged slightly to get her to keep moving. “Damian’s not a kisser and there’s no way he’d kiss Cloudy if he hasn’t admitted to her that he likes her. C’mon. We’ll look for them later. Right now I want to win you a prize just to say I did it.”

Sunny chuckled, gave the couple one last curious glance, and then followed after Tim.

^^^^^

I peeked my eyes open as Damian pulled away from me. “You think it worked?” I asked quietly.

“Well, they didn’t come over here so I assume you were correct,” he said.

“Great.”

^^^^^

Ding-ding-ding! The little speaker went off as Tim managed to knock over the stack of fake milk bottles perfectly on the first throw—earning him a little frog plushie that he immediately offered to Sunny. She accepted it and tucked it under her arm.

“My turn,” she said. They went over to the toy archery range.

“Remember, Sunny,” Tim mumbled quietly. “We’re not supposed to be vigilantes here.”

“I know how to not seem like an expert, Timothy,” Sunny teased, hefting the plastic bow and the plastic arrows. “Then again, I’ve done this a gazillion times.”

Fifteen moving targets in one minute was the ultimate goal. Last time Sunny tried, before she’d finished her training, she’d managed thirteen and won a medium-sized purple bear.

This time, she calmed down, focused, and when the bell dinged to signal the start, she went through the routine. She knew the most efficient pattern to get fifteen targets, she’d just never been fast enough.

Tim watched with a love-struck, slack-jawed expression that she didn’t even notice as she fired one shot off after another. She was quick and precise and appeared to know exactly what she was doing. Whoa, Tim thought, unable to make any sound come out of his mouth from being so awed.

When the minute was up, her tally came up on a little screen.

“Seventeen? What?!” she shrieked in excitement, bouncing up and down.

“That’s amazing!” Tim replied with a giant smile.

That earned her a giant teddy bear. She and Tim had to leave the park for a few minutes to go shove it into the trunk of the car. They showed their stamps to the gatekeeper and went back in.

“Think we should go find Damian and Cloudy now?” Tim asked.

“Nah. They’re fine. Cloudy won’t cause any trouble and Damian will keep an eye on her if someone else decides to cause trouble,” Sunny answered with a shrug. “I'm much more interested in going on the Ferris wheel!” She grabbed Tim’s hand and dragged him off for the Ferris wheel.

^^^^^

Tim and Sunny ran past Damian and I where we were sitting on a bench and eating ice cream without even noticing us—and we’d done nothing to hide ourselves. Damian glanced at me. “What’s with the frog?” he asked, noticing that Sunny had a frog in one hand and Tim in the other. I shrugged.

“One of them probably won it at the arcade,” I said, licking ice cream where it was dripping down my cone moments before it got on my hand. Damian was much more efficient at eating ice cream and keeping it from dripping.

I figured life was too short for efficient ice cream eating.

“I think it’s working, though,” I remarked. “They looked like they’ve finally at least cottoned on to the fact that they like each other. I mean, they were also holding hands right off the Love Boat Ride so hopefully they’ve even confessed. It looked like they were heading for the Ferris wheel. Let’s hope they kiss at the top.” I put my tongue against the back of my teeth and grinned.

Damian grunted. “Could you be any more cliché?”

“Yup. I'm not even trying yet.”

Damian was quiet for a second. “How are your feet feeling?” he asked. “Still sore from all the standing and waiting?”

I shrugged. “Little. The throbbing’s gone away finally though. I should be fine for another couple hours by the time we’re done with our ice cream,” I answered, raising my cone like a toast and licking more off.

“Mm.”

^^^^^

The Ferris wheel was going ‘round and ‘round. The hanging baskets could seat at least six people if not eight, but Tim and Sunny were alone in theirs. It was bright green with a fake umbrella made of the same stuff as the safe seats inside. Around the central column was a disk that if pulled would cause the basket to spin. The people in the next basket up from Sunny and Tim appeared to be a bunch of young teen boys who were pulling it as hard as they could and spinning like crazy.

Tim and Sunny elected not to do that.

“I’m… I’m glad Cloudy invited us to this,” Tim said. “And… I’m glad she and Damian planned on ditching us from the beginning.”

Sunny grinned. “I think I am too. I was hoping we could do them what they were already planning on doing to us, but I'm okay with this,” she agreed.

The Ferris wheel ground to a halt—Tim and Sunny caught at the very top.

“What a cliché,” Tim said. “You and me stuck at the top of the Ferris wheel.”

Sunny, her hand still in Tim’s, leaned against his shoulder. “Maybe we should complete the cliché. Just to say we’ve done it,” she suggested.

^^^^^

“I have figured out how you may repay the favor you owe me for being your date to the park today,” Damian said as we sat on one of the double seaters on the spinning swings.

“Yeah?” I asked as Damian lowered the bar over our laps and clipped it safely.

“Yes,” Damian said.

“And how can I repay the favor?” I pressed.

The bell dinged. The ride started to rise and spin around, giving the swings the feeling of flying. I put my arm that wasn’t next to Damian out to the side and threw my head back. I loved this thing, even if we just went in circles.

“You can be my date to dinner and a theatrical production. I was thinking Wicked,” Damian called over the wind in our ears.

“Oh my goodness! I’d love to!” I exclaimed.

^^^^^

Tim brushed Sunny’s hair out of her face. “I… I think you’re right. Just to say we’ve done it, right?” he said.

“Well, and because we like each other, right?” she teased.

“Right. Yes. Absolutely,” Tim agreed, still having a hard time believing that he’d actually told her and she’d felt the same way.

He bent down. She straightened up.

Their lips met halfway. Hands slid through hair and fingers got tangled. Excitement and adrenaline pumped through their blood. They smiled against each other’s lips before their heads tilted for better angles. Both of them wishing they could live in this moment forever.

[kenzieam]

Stars and Shadows - Chapter 2 (Ivar and Sera)

Rating: M - Mature

Genre: General, maybe some drama and angst, definitely some romance and smut

@fuckyeahalexhoghandersen-deacti @my-emotional-self @bloodyivar @lupy22 @fortress-fiction @heathensisterwives @kduran04 @charliexowrite @angryschnauzer @rachiieeeee @ivarinleatherpants @ivars-heathen-army @neonxwitch @theheathenqueendickubus @dangerousvikings @zpandaqueen @irishhiggins  @didiintheblog  @mercy1997 @kawennote09  @iammarylastar @sparklemichele @son-of-anubis  @beltzboys2015-blog @paranoia-love @captstefanbrandt  @ivars-valkyrie @fullpeanutkoala @ruler-of-helheim @poopercoot @magical-mischief-makers

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*If you want to be added or delete to the above list, let me know*

***************************************************************************************************

This is a new Ivar and Sera AU story, set in modern times. I’m not really sure where I’m going with it yet, or what direction the characters are going to end up going, but I hope you follow with me…..

Well…. this escalated quickly…..

**************************************************************************************************

“Takes one to know one, Ivar?”

Oh Holy Jesus, what did I just say? My face went instantly red with mortification, and I had a vision of Ragnar kicking us all out of his house, followed by Harald booting me out his front door, pinging my suitcase off my head and telling me to get lost. Why? What the hell? WHY HAD I JUST SAID THAT? My heart was just about ready to give out, but Ragnar threw his head back and laughed, and within a heartbeat everyone else was too, except Ivar, who was scowling at me even as Ubbe and Hvitserk elbowed him and roared.

Aslaug giggled ladylike into her hand and smiled sheepishly at her son. “You deserved that, Ivar; your filthy mouth.”

Ivar’s glare flicked towards his mother for the barest instant, then back to me and he cocked his head slightly to the side and quirked his brow in acknowledgement. I would get this one free, but next time he’d fire back.

Still snickering Ragnar swept his arm, gesturing us into the large formal dining room and, wouldn’t you know it, my new nemesis and I were seated across from each other. He didn’t let up the whole dinner, glowering at me the entire time, grumbling one word answers and picking at his food. After an initial frown from his parents they left him to stew, and I decided that this mood was a common one for Ivar, and one everyone knew was fruitless to try and draw him out of. Taco wanted to stay in my lap, but mom gave me the ‘mom-eye’ and I managed to convince him to stay under my chair instead.

The rest of Ivar’s brothers, plus Bjorn when he arrived, a tall blonde man who reminded me of a bear, provided the main entertainment. Like their parents, they ignored Ivar’s pissiness and prattled on surprisingly thoughtfully about the nearby town and the private school I would starting at; giving me tips and heads-up about which teachers to avoid and which classes they’d liked the best.

I was surprised when my innocent question about Harald and Ragnar’s business was quickly redirected, and I wondered briefly why they wouldn’t just say what they did. The most I could get out of them was that it was a ‘family’ business and that Harald and Ragnar had been partners in it for years, since Bjorn was a child, and that all three of the oldest sons worked in some capacity for them. I got the sense that it was already an unspoken understanding that all the sons would join the business once they graduated and I decided to save my questions for one of the brothers, or maybe mom.

The food was delicious and I was surprised to learn that Aslaug herself had cooked it; at first glance she didn’t seem like the domestic type, but I realized I’d misjudged her, and I wanted to get to know her better. The boys too, at first blush, had seemed like animals; loud and brash, masculine and muscular, but their attentiveness at dinner made me feel much more comfortable around them and I was startled to feel the beginnings of belonging, like I was already accepted, part of the group. It wasn’t something I was used to feeling, most of my friends had drifted away after my dad died, uncomfortable with my mom’s pervasive misery, and further scared off by my slightly bat-crazy aunt and the three hundred miles she’d put between them and I and I’d forced myself to become used to my new loner status; it was nice to have people around again.

“So, would you like a ride to school with Ivar Monday morning?” Ragnar asked as we were finishing dessert, an absolutely sinful tiramisu that I would kill to possess a full pan of.

I hadn’t given much thought yet to how I was getting to school and so it took a minute for me to answer; meanwhile, I had never seen anyone roll their eyes so hard before, Ivar must have been able to see his brain. Still without speaking he resumed his glower, but there was something more in his eyes this time, a challenge.

Game on, peckerhead.

“Sure,” I chirped. “What time?”

After supper was over the parents drifted into the nearby sitting room, where whiskey began being splashed liberally into coffee and conversation turned to things that bored me. I was just standing there awkwardly, holding Taco, trying to decide what to do when someone nudged my shoulder, hard. I turned to see Ubbe grinning at me, his blue eyes stunningly kind; he just exuded big brother.

“Up for some Playstation?” He grinned, gesturing down the stairwell the others had disappeared down moments before.

“I… uh-” I’d never had a gaming system growing up, and the few times I had played at friends I’d been the bizarre one that always had their tongue sticking out and jerking the controller from side to side thinking it helped my player jump farther.

Ubbe saw my hesitation and chuckled. “You can just watch for awhile. Hvitserk and I have some unfinished business with Call of Duty anyways. I think I saw Sigurd grab some chips, you want a snack?”

I shook my head, still full from supper and mildly amazed at the seeming genetic predisposition of boys to have bottomless appetites and hollow legs.

“C’mon then,” Ubbe grinned, slinging an arm around my shoulders, Taco growled mildly in warning but seemed content to leave it at that, tucking his head under my chin. There was nothing but sibling affection in his touch, the proverbial big brother who couldn’t help but bring everyone under his wing and I found myself smiling as we trekked down the stairs. The basement was just as sumptuous and sprawling as the upstairs. Ubbe gestured vaguely as we ventured to the centre of the main room, filled with comfortable looking couches and absolutely dominated by a huge projection screen, currently flashing with what looked like a World War II battle; to a bunch of closed doors. The basement had been divided into a set of wings, each one housing one of the brothers, except for Bjorn, who lived ten minutes away with his new bride. Ragnar was slightly old-school in the preference of keeping his brood close, like a Highland Clan, all under one roof, but each brother had their own locked set of rooms in the basement to call their own. It was somewhat endearing; they were like a big Viking family, all living together in a Great Hall.

The main room however, was something else. Honestly a bachelor’s wet dream, it was stuffed with all sorts of pinball machines and pool tables and gaming set-ups. I could play Foosball for awhile then turn and start right into an air-hockey game. The projection screen and couches were in a separate area that could be closed off to make an enclosed home theatre, but was currently open so I could hear Ivar yelling at Hvitserk, something about choosing the wrong rifle, you goddamn half-wit!

Seeing me approach Ivar smirked and patted the couch beside him, challenge glowing again in his eyes. I couldn’t help but take the bait and plopped myself dramatically by him with a theatrical sigh, pulling a large velvety cushion into my lap. Taco threw a mild, obligatory snarl Ivar’s way then burrowed under my arm, seeming to settle in for the night and Ivar smirked in amusement, turning his attention back to big screen.

It was almost embarrassing to admit how dazzled I was by the game. This was a long ways from Jenny Hicall’s garage sale Super Nintendo and I found myself having to close my mouth more than once, my jaw hanging open as I watched the manic action on the screen, ducking and muffling shrieks into the cushion as grenades exploded and shrapnel flew.

Sigurd managed to ignore all of us and sat in a quiet corner, plucking idly at an acoustic guitar. Hvitserk and Ubbe were completely wrapped up in their game, concentrating intently on their players, fingers flying over the controllers. They lobbed playful, mild insults at each other, half-baked challenges and ‘yo’ momma’ insults, at one point even kicking at each other while still banging at their controllers. By now I’d tucked my feet up under me, leaning forwards and laughing ‘till it hurt at their antics. I hadn’t had fun like this in a while. Taco had crawled up and now lay on the top of the couch, by my head, and was snoring softly, seemingly used to this chaos.

It was then that I felt a hand on my knee. Unnoticed by me, Ivar had gradually moved closer, and was now sitting right beside me. I snapped my head towards him, surprised. There was still the smirk on his handsome face, still the challenge but, buried underneath all of that, barely visible in those supernatural eyes, was something else that I couldn’t put my finger on.

I was still a virgin, but not a prude. My aunt was a very free and open person, and living with her had taught me not to fear or feel ashamed of my sexuality, that is was normal and not meant to be repressed. She’d encouraged me to explore, as long as I stayed safe, and I had a few times, to a certain extent. Her friend Alan’s son Jonathan had been an eager partner and a quasi-boyfriend for a few months before I’d moved back with mom. We’d cuddled and fondled each other on the couch or in my room quite a bit, and I knew what lay heavy between a man’s legs, what it looked like, how it would harden and rise if you stroked it, or let him play with and nuzzle your bare breasts. My aunt’s matter-of-factness regarding sex had taken the mystery out of it, and I felt sorry for kids who were denied such frankness, taught that abstinence was the only way. It wasn’t fair, or practical, but back to the present.

No one else had noticed us and I stared back into Ivar’s eyes as he watched me, as his hand slowly crept higher. I wasn’t adverse to this idea, quite the opposite. From first glance with Ivar I’d been feeling this low-level charge between us, this pull I’d never felt before. I wouldn’t have teased him upstairs, or sat beside him if I hadn’t felt it, and I wanted to take it further. I wasn’t looking to lose my virginity right here, with an audience of his brothers and our parents upstairs, but I wasn’t ready to push his hand away just yet.

His breath caught as his fingers brushed the hem of my dress and wriggled under. I couldn’t stop my own little gasp as my skin started to tingle under his touch; and the fact that Ubbe and Hvitserk were only a few feet away, their backs to us as they battled, only added to my excitement, and, it seemed, to Ivar’s.

I recognized the look hiding in Ivar’s eyes now. There was challenge, and attraction, but there was also enquiry; about whether I was comfortable with this or not. And, buried underneath that, was fear, uncertainty that I would say no, reject him and push him away. For the briefest second I got the feeling that deep down, Ivar was vulnerable; that for all his posturing and bluster, he was in many ways just a scared little boy, trying to prove himself an equal to his god-like brothers. He wouldn’t force himself on me, but he’d also never gotten much farther than this with a girl before, and he was scared shitless that I would reject him too.

I bit my lip, gave him a tentative smile. Feeling empowered and somewhat naughty I reached down, keeping my eyes locked on Ivar’s and touched his hand, pulling it slightly higher, pushing up my dress in the same motion. I didn’t miss the widening of Ivar’s eyes, the flash of excitement and amazement in his heated gaze. His fingers pressed harder against my thigh, and I saw his lips part as his breathing grew heavier.

Thank the gods the game was loud, Hvitserk and Ubbe even louder, and no one heard the moan I desperately tried to bite back when Ivar brushed his fingers against my underwear. His touch was tentative and he was gnawing on his bottom lip, eyes blazing, boring into mine before dropping down to stare in awe. His hand had pushed my dress higher, almost to the juncture of my thighs. I moved the large cushion between us, hiding most of us from his brothers if they decided to turn around and licked my lips, hoping Ivar wasn’t done yet. His fingers pressed harder, pulling back slightly in surprise as he felt wetness then pressing again, rubbing against me. I dropped my head back, fighting a moan. I’d let Jonathan touch me like this, but it hadn’t felt this good and I found myself spreading my thighs wider, begging Ivar to continue. He pulled another cushion into his own lap, to hide the growing bulge and swallowed hard, staring avidly at his questing fingers, at my damp panties. Seeming to come to a decision, he inhaled deeply and pushed my underwear to the side, both of us jolting slightly when his fingers curled into my folds.

I couldn’t stop myself from pushing into his hand, and Ivar’s eyes flicked to mine, wide with exhilaration and forbidden lust before dropping back. His thumb rolled experimentally over my clit and my hips bucked underneath his hand as I clamped down on a whimper, he groaned in response. I fought to focus past myself, so far no one had noticed us, Ivar’s brothers still playing, but we needed to be careful, we couldn’t get too loud, or move too much, and draw unwanted attention. I had no idea how anyone would react to Ivar fingering me on the family couch, but I wasn’t ready to find out yet.

Heat was building between my legs as Ivar continued his tentative exploration. He was growing bolder, flashing me a heated glance as his fingers slid through my growing juices. I saw his other hand disappear under his cushion, faintly heard a zipper pull down. His hand jerked slightly when he gripped himself, eyes rolling back into his head for a second and my pulse raced even harder. Biting his lip, pressing past any lingering hesitation, Ivar suddenly pushed his finger inside me, and I saw his hips buck under the cushion as he bit back a groan, his hand beginning to move faster. I managed to hold in my gasping moan, my sharp inhalation as a wave of pleasure gripped me. I’d brought myself to orgasm before, never with anyone else, but I recognized the telltale tightening, the sweet pressure building between my legs.

Panting quietly now Ivar added another finger, eyes boring into mine as he started moving harder and faster into me, fucking me with his fingers. Our bodies had taken over, moving on instinct and I bit down on my fist to hold in my mounting moans. Sweat beaded on Ivar’s brow and an animal sheen gleamed in his eyes now, desire and need darkening his iris’, blowing his pupils wide. I doubted I looked much different and no longer cared.

The wave crested and I dropped my head back, gnawing on my fist to stop from crying out, hips bucking as Ivar’s fingers curled and slid inside me, brushing that sweet spot. I felt his hand tense, his fingers twitch inside me as he suddenly shuddered beside me, arching forward slightly, eyes squeezing shut as he came, spilling into his hand, teeth gritted to stop a guttural groan. After a beat he slumped backwards, eyes fluttering shut, then he turned his gaze back to me. Holding my eyes he pulled his hand free from my still-throbbing sex and brought his hand to his mouth, pushing his fingers into his mouth and sucking off the juices. My heart started to race again, but movement at the corner of my eye caught my attention at last. I straightened, closing my legs and yanking my dress down, saw Ivar adjust himself in a similar fashion as Ubbe, who’d just a second ago tossed his controller aside with a yell, turned back to us.

His eyes narrowed as he took us in, hair dishevelled, cushions covering us, breathing heavily and he opened his mouth to speak. My heart jumped in my chest, oh Jesus, had he guessed correctly, would Ubbe call us out? Thank the gods, however, Hvitserk unknowingly saved us; with a bellow he launched himself at Ubbe, clearly not done playing yet and knocked him over, pulling his older brother into a headlock as he howled with laughter. Ubbe’s attention was stolen away by the attack and they started to tussle, throwing mild insults back and forth like a game of catch. Sigurd, who’d remained blissfully ignorant of Ivar and I, glanced up disinterestedly before dropping his head again, still strumming at his guitar.

Ivar and I took advantage of the distraction to finish disguising our activities. I grabbed a handful of kleenex from the table beside me and chucked them at Ivar before jumping to my feet and dashing to the door I remembered being told was the bathroom. Once inside I shut the door and locked it, leaned against it and caught my breath. Wow. My body was still humming, sex still pulsing, the memory of Ivar’s long and strong fingers inside me stirring another wave of pleasure. I clamped down hard on it, pushing the feeling away and pulled out drawers until I found a washcloth to wet and clean myself with. Only when I was sure that I no longer looked freshly finger-fucked did I leave the bathroom and make my way back to the couch. Ubbe and Hvitserk had made up, and the game was blasting again. As I sat down Ivar appeared from what must have been his room and Ubbe looked away from the screen to watch his younger brother return to the couch. His eyes followed Ivar, his head turning and he stared at the two of us for a long moment as Ivar sat back down on the opposite end of the couch, narrowing his eyes.

Silently I pleaded with my eyes for Ubbe to let this slide, to not say anything that would undoubtedly start a shitstorm like you’d never seen and his glare flicked between Ivar and I. I looked over at Ivar to see the same plea in his eyes, coupled with something more. A stubborn pride, a defiance. He was proud, boldly owning his actions and I was startled when his hand suddenly gripped mine in a display of solidarity. I squeezed his hand and he returned it, jutting his chin at Ubbe. Ubbe looked back to me, still doubtful and I couldn’t stop a bashful smile, my cheeks warming.

After a long moment, he seemed to come to a decision, Ivar and I both exhaling in relief when he nodded once and winked, wagging his finger at us only half-teasingly. Play safe, he mouthed, then turned back to the game.

I sagged back into the couch, smiling when Ivar pulled me closer. This definitely wasn’t going to be a one-time thing.

[joshpup]

To Love Or Not To Love // Pt. 9

Intro // Pt. 1 // Pt. 2 // Pt. 3 // Pt. 4 // Pt. 5 // Pt. 6 // Pt. 7 // Pt. 8 // Pt. 9 // Pt. 10 // Pt. 11 // Pt. 12 // Pt. 13 // Pt. 14 // Pt. 15 // Pt. 16 // Pt. 17 Word Count: 2,560 Genre: Svt Mafia Au Member: Mingyu TW:  Angst, Cursing, Violence, mention of blood, eventually fluff. idk about tw if there is one i should add pls let me know im bad at them

“No one else has told you yet?” Joshua asked, plucking a section from the clementine and popping it in his mouth.

“I’ve heard things here and there, but no one’s bothered to give me the full story. They all said that was something for you to tell me.” you explained. Joshua nodded.

“There’s no point in keeping it from you, besides we are kind of in the same boat if you haven’t figured out yet.” He said, leaning back in his chair. “Do you want the short version of the long version?”

“Whichever you think is best.”

“I’ll try to keep it on the shorter side then, but no promises.” Joshua said, adjusting his seat before going into the tale.

“So, I lived a pretty well-off childhood. I spent most of it with my mom, because my dad was always in and out of the house on his so called ‘business trips.’ Only later did I find out that he was actually a part of a gang, and actually held a pretty high up position in that gang. He’d managed to keep it well hidden from me, so well hidden that even after they got me, I didn’t know what was going on. Apparently, my dad rubbed the wrong group the wrong way, and to retaliate they came after me.

“I was on my way to school one day when this group of people showed up and started chasing me. I didn’t even know what was going on but I just ran for my life. I was able to outrun them for a little, but well, as you can tell I didn’t get all the way fast enough. They ended up cornering me and then managed to knocking me unconscious, and before I knew it I was being held hostage at the base camp of one of the most infamous gangs to this day. At the time however they were still growing, but they were big enough to seriously give my dad some issues. Honestly, I’m not sure how hard my dad tried to get me back, I’ve not heard or seen him since that day they pulled me off the street.

“My living conditions were almost a hundred times worse than yours. Rather than just letting me adjust in with their daily life like we have for you, they just threw me in one of the empty rooms and almost never let me out. And if they did let me out, it never ended up being a plus for me. I’d usually end up going back to that room in worse condition then when I left. I somehow managed to stay alive for maybe a year? Time was never a concept in that room for me. I didn’t even have a window, let alone a clock. When one of the gang members would get extremely bored they’d come and mess around with me, but after a while I finally just stopped responding to everything, partly from lack of energy, partly because I simply didn’t care anymore, they soon lost interest in that. Thankfully the oldest member of the gang was decent enough to make sure I would at least get one meal a day, but he never bothered to stop any of the other guys from beating me up just for their amusement. However, I think once they realized that my dad wasn’t going to risk his entire gang just for to get me back, they soon forgot about me, and the meals became less and less.

“On top of all this, I tried to escape a few times, which only pissed them off more. I’m surprised they didn’t just kill me off after the second time I tried to run off. I never did make it very far… The furthest was to the front lawn, but the base was located somewhere in the middle of the woods, so even if I did make it away from them, I wouldn’t have the strength to travel all the way through the woods and get help. No matter what I was going to do, I was going to end up dead. I had pretty much accepted my fate when Jeonghan suddenly showed up.

“Apparently one of the members from the gang that had captured me was feeling extra blind that day and thought Jeonghan was a member from one of their branch groups when he found Jeonghan snooping around their base. Thanks to that, Jeonghan was able to use it to his advantage and get further into their base. He never did tell me what he was doing at their base, but when he suddenly slipped into my dark room and realized I was there, barely holding on, his entire mission changed. Honestly, I barely even remember what happened that night. Jeonghan had to carry me out on his back, and I remember hearing gunshots, so we must have just barely escaped. Jeonghan brought me back here, and I basically went into captivity, part two, but this time around was much nicer. Naturally Seungcheol had the same reaction as when Mingyu brought you. The only difference was he thought that I wasn’t going to last very long given the state I arrived in, and let me stay. Ah, I had so many broken bones and was so malnourished it took me so long to get back up to normal health, even now I still have some health issues.

“Of course, similar to what you’re experiencing right now, adapting to this style of living took a while. I never wanted to become part of a gang. I just wanted to get back to my normal life and go to college and get a decent job. I guess it was just meant to be, seeing as how my dad was already in this line of work…There were a lot of trust issues between both me and Seventeen. For the longest time I only ever talked with Jeonghan, and very little at that. To me, it was going from one captor to another, but to Jeonghan, he had saved someone. Because we had such different views on the situation it caused a lot of issues between everyone. I guess that’s how you and Mingyu are right now… It took a good while for me to get to trust everyone, and there were some pretty intense after effects of living as a captive that for so long. Jeonghan would stay up with me all the nights I couldn’t sleep because of the nightmares, and eventually, very slowly, I’ve made it to where I am now.” Joshua said, his clementine long forgotten on the table in front of him. He suddenly laughed. “Honestly when I first saw Jeonghan standing over me that night, I thought he was an angel and I had finally died. In a way I guess he was a sort of angel...”

           You were at a complete loss for words. His story gave you a whole new perspective on life. He had been through hell and back and had never once complained about it to you. He barely even showed that he had once been held captive like that. He seemed to fit in so well you had never expected something like this. No wonder none of the other members wanted to talk about what had happened. You couldn’t imagine what they would have done when Jeonghan showed up with Joshua looking like that.

           “It’s not too bad though, at least I gained twelve good friends from the whole ordeal, and I can always be here for you when you need it. I know it’s not easy to go through something like this.” He said, gesturing vaguely to the entire house. You opened your mouth to respond but nothing came out. Finally, you were able to form some words.

           “Is that group that did that to you still out there?” you questioned. Joshua ran his fingers through his hair.

           “Yah, god, the first time I ran into them after that I thought the world was going to break open and swallow me. I felt so panicked and sick to my stomach I almost blacked out. Thank god I was with the other members then. It’s been a good few years since that all went down, and since then the two groups have been able to smooth things down enough that we can be civil in public together and not start any petty fights like we used too, but yeah, they’re still out there. And still one of the more powerful groups. I don’t think I could ever be alone with anyone from that group however, it would end badly.”

You didn’t know what to say. The fact that the group that had abused and almost killed someone so nice and gentle as Joshua was still out there made your blood boil. Before you could think of something to say you noticed Joshua’s hands shaking ever so slightly as he reached for a piece of the clementine, and you couldn’t help but feel guilty. You’d made him relive one of the worst memories of his life. Without thinking you reached across the table and grabbed his hands in yours.

           “I’m glad I got to meet you Joshua, and I’m glad you’re doing better now. I’m sorry I made you relive all of that.” you said softly. Joshua smiled, his eyes twinkling brighter than the stars that filled the night sky outside.

           “How about we watch a movie to take our minds off everything? We might as well enjoy our time while out ‘captors’ aren’t awake.” he said with a wink, emphasizing captors. In the end, you realized the both of you were being held by seventeen against your will. Sure, they might be giving more freedom to Joshua then they were to you, but in the end,  you were both “prisoners” there. It crossed your mind for a moment to ask whether Joshua had ever tried to leave svt, but before you could give it anymore thought Joshua beckoned you towards the living room with the tv, heading straight for the drawer where they kept all the movies.

           The next morning you woke up to loud cooing from a few of the other members. When your eyes finally fluttered open and adjusted against the harsh light of the sun you realized that you were still sitting on the couch. Out of exhaustion, both physically and mentally for the two of you, you had both managed to fall asleep halfway through the movie. Somehow along the night, the tv was turned off and the two of you had obtained blankets, and settled down onto the couch, to tried to go back up to your own rooms. It only then occurred to you that you had full on snuggled up against Joshua, who still sat propped up against the back of the couch. He too was just coming back to his senses. You quickly launched yourself away from him, nearly falling off the couch in the process. Leaning against the door frame, staring daggers into both you and Joshua stood Mingyu, his face stone cold. Joshua quickly tried to explain, but Mingyu turned on his heels and walked away before Joshua could even get a full sentence out.  

           A wave of guilt washed over you the second his glance crossed yours as he turned to walk away. It’s not like you had done anything wrong though, did you really need to feel guilty and explain yourself to him? You didn’t belong to him so what did it matter what you did, all you did was fall asleep…

           Regardless of how you felt about the situation, the guilt was still very much present. Mingyu was in a sour mood the entire morning, and Joshua seemed to be feeling just as guilty as you. The awkward air that filled the room at breakfast was stifling. You sat in your seat that had been pulled up next to Hansol and across from Chan. There wasn’t much room there, but it was better than sitting at the other end of the table, staring straight down the table at Seungcheol. You barely had an appetite, but continued to eat anyways, not wanting to show that it had affected you in any way. The breakfast started off extremely quiet, but when Seokmin finally broke the tension everyone started up in the conversation, soon forgetting about the events from earlier that morning. That is all, except Mingyu.

           After breakfast, you helped Chan with all the dishes before heading upstairs to take a shower. Upon finding the shower already being used, you made your way to your room and threw yourself down on the bed. Only a few minutes later you heard your door open. You slowly lifted your head to see who it was, not really bothering to move much. That was, until you realized Mingyu had just walked into your room. You slowly sat up, folding your legs in front of you as you watched him walk closer towards you.

           “So, do you still want to go to this ball? I doubt Joshua will be going…” Mingyu asked, his words laced with spite.

           “Why would Joshua not go?” you asked back, completely ignoring his harsh tone.

           “Exo’s going to be there.” He replied, and once he was you puzzled look he explained further. “The group that got him.” You nodded, now realizing that Josh had never even mentioned the name of the group.

           “I mean, whether Joshua goes or not doesn’t really bother me, I just really want to get out of this house even if it’s just for a few minutes.” You explained, shrugging your shoulders. There was a moment of silence before you finally spoke up again.

           “Anyways, Mingyu about this morning…” you started, only to be cut off by Mingyu himself.

           “Joshua already told me everything.” He said, a little less harsh than the past few times.

           “So, then you know nothing happened, would you stop being all harsh to me?” you asked, raising an eyebrow at him. Mingyu sighed and sat down next to you on the bed.

           “I’m sorry, it just bothers me that I didn’t know you couldn’t sleep well at night…” he finally sighed.

           “It’s fine. Honestly, I thought I would run into you more than anyone else, especially Joshua, but it does make sense. After all he’s been in the same place as me, a lot worse actually. He would know what to expect from me the most, probably even more than I do myself.” Mingyu nodded. “Don’t go bringing your frustration out on Joshua though, he didn’t do anything wrong. In the end, I’m the one that made him come downstairs, and I made him tell me about what happened back then. We both got so emotional last night that we wouldn’t have been able to sleep if we didn’t do something like watch a movie.” You pointed out. Mingyu nodded once more before standing up.

           “I really do want to go to this ball though, Mingyu. I want to meet these Monsta X people too since Seventeen is always spending so much time with them. They must be nice people too.” You said, following him out of your room.

           “We’ll just have to ask the boss than.” Mingyu said with a smile.

Next...

[thevulernablepreacher]

Belonging (Prompt for live storytelling) 2/2020

Belonging is about connection for me. I can feel like I don’t belong and like I do at virtually the same moments depending upon my connection to another person. I belong To a Temple that I am sure I don’t belong in vehemently one moment and then with literally one glance or look from a friend or kindred spirit I feel completely at home. Or when I recognize that specificially b/c of my isnane rage which covers pain, I belong here more than anywhere else.

The places that were obvious and easy to know I belonged, while I never considered them so intellectually and with such an analytical lens were with my grandma Rosie who just loved the crap out of me for simply and complexly as being entirely me. I belonged with Mr. Finckle, my flute/vocal/piano/choir/orchestra/jazz group/tennis coach/teacher/greatest cheerleader and surrogate grandfather. I belonged in my class at Far Brook School-an alternative art/waldorf based school in the 70’s that reminds me of the crazy classroom in the film Mame. I feel like I belong with closest and oldest friends no matter how many years have passed between physical proximity. I feel like my house chose me b/c I belonged here. I love being here and never and rarely want to leave and have to make focused concerted effort to do so regularly.

Ask anyone who has ever tried to make plans with me. Unless it works and feels like silk for me id sooner stay home, puttering, organizing, cooking, streaming content, obsessively scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, plucking chin hairs, Marco Poloing the details of my life to a friend; sometimes all simultaneously.

I am forever restless and bored and searching for new places I might belong or Art that speaks to the center of my existence.

I belong to a networking group that I feel remarkably uncomfortable in b/c speaking in a mature professional way physically hurts me.. and at the same time I love it b/c of specific people with and to whom I connect. All of these people LOVE my limited four letter vocabulary peppered with brilliant human insights that we shouldn’t discuss, but really what could be MORE interesting?

I think belonging shifts constantly in one’s life. Of course it does. As the only constant in life is change so is belonging. The weirdest part of belonging is when you arrive somewhere in your life that you never expected and are certain you don’t belong there but it is where you are and there is no way to get back to the old familiar place you weren’t quite sure you belonged. And then..it turns out it was exactly where you belonged and what carried you into your new current place of comfort and certain discomfort designed to stretch you in ways you’d prefer not to be but at some level your soul needs to me.

Im talking about my body here. It became an alien to me about 8 or 9 years ago. The identity I had as a result of what my body could do shattered irrevocably. I am still and now trying to figure out how to create an entirely   new relationship with it.

I look like Im fine and agile and in shape. I will tell you what feels like an enormous source of shame and a secret. I am in horrifying shape. The most basic of movements and positions are difficult for me and painful. I can fake fine and do as much as I can; but I always retreat to my home as soon as possible after performing this public act of trying on  or feigning normalcy.

The places that I felt fully alive in are no longer available to me; yoga studio’s, my road bike.

So where does my body belong now? Well, there’s this very cool book I’ve just started listening to. It’s called the Art of Possibility written by the Zander’s. It’s fairly basic and   revelatory as most genius is, I find. It’s a set of exercises that offer the total shifting of perspective and possiblitly. Instead of starting with a judgment of failure. We all get to start with an A. I suggest it; it’s really good. I’m awful at describing anything; so take my word for it, check it out..it’s revelatory.

So my therapist said to me today: it’s like you need to do this with your body. You need to separate from it and see it in a whole new light and with a whole new perspective as to relate to it think about it.

THIS was revelatory to me. It hadn’t occurred to me that my frustration with my body and what it could do needed a completely new perspective.  This is the one time when separating from my body was a very good and really transformational opportunity.

I could look at my body not from the disadvantaged view but at what can it do? Not a comparison to what I used to be able to do. Not emotionally. Let’s look at it clinically. What can you do?

And I realized. Who cares if I sit on a recumbent bike for 15 minutes at a level one with no incline for the rest of my life. It’s movement! It’s amazing given my present state.

And just as this is how to give myself an A right now, this place where I may find new belonging will have to be adjusted as life goes on.

I had this awful feeling over the past few days of not recognizing the fundamental place I have never thought about belonging in, America.

I seriously feel like I just woke up and have no idea where I am. I cannot wrap my head around the moral bankruptcy of the political world. That sentence is so adult and would never have come out of my mouth I don’t think if we were not in this situation and apparently these are the type of sentences 53 year olds utter..having no idea how or where they came from or when you matured so much as to have them roll of your tongue like nothing.

I never ever EVER paid attention to politics. It was as compelling as football, which meant there was no amount of money you could pay me to think about, comment on it, engage in it or pay attention to it. Yuck.

This is unfinished but I'm okay with that! I was so excited to finally get myself back into my blog... took about 2 years to figure out my password and actually deal with the fact that I'd forgotten it. So caution to the wind! Who cares...I’m  back, maybe even quasi consistently. 

[mlm-chanyeol-archive]

you know what? its 2:30 am, im feeling soft and im gonna make a positivity post for all my mutuals. i lov u guys. newer ones at the top n oldest ones at the bottom

@flowerallys we haven’t been mutuals long, but im glad we met because of the dreamie gc! you’re always so happy and i love talking to you <3

@yunjisunq im so happy to have found another ace stan <3 really, thank u for doing my donghun request?? you really made my month and inspired me to make stuff of my own and you’re really sweet and i love when you talk in ur tags!! thats my fave part of following ppl and it makes my dash a little brighter :)

@7deer-ofthe-dawn7 i followed you because one of the nct blogs i follow rbd a mutuals appreciation post bcs i thought i needed more xiuhan on my dash and im rlly glad you followed back!! you’re really nice and even though we dont talk too much its fun when we do! (i hope you’ve enjoyed the fics ive sent you!)

@pcyling man i remember us meeting up on vent and i just decided to message you bcs we both are chanyeol stans and im so glad i did bcs ur rlly funny and nice and we can just thirst over pcy together and just do fun stuff. thank u for not thinking i was weird for messaging you!

@kunpifook we dont talk but i like seeing you on my dash! you reblog a lot of my stuff which makes me smile <3 :)

@hellyeahtd we don’t talk either but thank you for blessing my tag with more topp dogg like it so desperately needs <3

@nctytrack we don’t talk but i remember you asking for more nct mutuals and while when i first followed you i wasn’t a big stan but i am now and i hope im making your dash a little brighter :)

@astros-mom @wonhosassflower maria maria maria ilu <3 im sorry for being a bitch in the gc all the time but ur rlly nice (even tho u blocked me at one point) and ur sweet and i like talking to you. im jealous u got to meet hyungwon tho i can now get a scale of how lanky he rlly is

@live-love-growamoustache niniiiiii we dont talk a lot but i like seeing u in the gc and u post a lot of good stuff <3

@fiizzy-pop tokkiiiiiiii my baby <3 i lov u ur so sweet and nice and helped me out with nct when i was first getting into them and you’re just so sweet and ur our little bun and i hope we can be friends for a long time <3

@youarenotmybias aa i love seeing you on my dash and you post a lot of good stuff!!!! ithinkurinthegcbuticantrememberwhoyouareoops

@99minseok aaaaa i jus lov seeing ur posts on my dash and i lov seeing minseok so much even tho hes not high on my bias list, and just seeing your name makes me smile :)

@ji-hey HEY FUCKER you dont post a lot but we talk a whole bunch and even tho ur mean sometimes to me and al i still love u and i just want to let u know in my time of weakness i think you’re really pretty and im glad we have the relationship we do <3 ur a really good friend soph

@tom-failure aa we dont talk too much anymore but i love seeing topp dogg on my dash and your art is really good and i hope you keep on drawing <3

@flanelltees flan.... mi lov.... you are one of my most treasured mutuals <3 you really mean so much to me and i love seeing you on my dash and i love your deadpan sense of humor and i love helping you start stanning groups and the way you come to me if you need help with something and i love your art, it really is one of the cutest art styles i have ever seen. you’re so talented and im so happy you decided to follow me back because its been so nice talking to you and i love our little jokes and while there are times where we dont talk for a week its always nice to talk to you because you’re so nice :) i lov u flan <3

@brnrnr-prstr we dont talk but again its always nice to see you on my dash :)

@husberttee aleexxxxx my man im so glad i followed you because talking to u was a v good choice :) as a fellow male nakta stan it was rlly nice to talk to you and while its hard to talk bcs of such huge time differences its still fun when we can and even tho you always post abt nugu groups who i have no clue about i still love seeing you on my dash :3

@4jooheon !!!!!! my most sweetest mutual ever!!!! i adore reading your tags when u talk abt jooheon and as a fellow jooheon stan it makes my heart sing bcs same!!!!!! hes our honey bee!!!!!! ive said that so much but its tru!!!!! you really make my dash so much brighter and i love sending you cute asks abt jooheon on anon bcs i love seeing ur reactions!!!!!!! you’re just so soft and i rlly lov u :( thank u for following me back and i hope one day i can reach your level of softness (also i feel relly bad bcs i never learned ur name!!!! ;;;;;)

@annlka annika...... aka sangdo’s wife..... i lov u a lot. your tags brighten up my dash as well and just!!!! i love following ppl who talk in their tags and when you talk abt sangdo it makes me all smiley bcs u just lov him so much and now you’re starting to lov minho just as much and i just LOVE how u tag sangdo as sunshine and minho as moonlight thats just????? so precious i lov ur lov for them and you’re just really nice and understanding too??? and i remember u bringing up the fact that i thought it was a mistake when you first followed me but im glad u did bcs im lucky to have a friend like u annika <3 :)

@dean-winchesters-bootycall even tho ur never on here i fucking.... love you so much ur such a good friend and my best irl friend and im so glad i met you rielle <3

@sweet-jae Al.... Alfie.... The love of my life..... my moon sun and stars.... my entire universe.... words cannot describe how much i love you. When i first followed you i would have never expected us to turn out like this but im so glad we did because it has changed my life for the better. i followed you because you were such a good writer and to this day the choice to go off anon when sending you asks was the best decision i have ever made. you followed me back and we started talking and talking and talking and then we moved over to twitter and when we felt sad we would spam each other pics of our biases and then we moved over to kkt and im pretty sure since that day we haven’t spent a day where we didn’t talk to each other. even if its a simple “good morning’ and “i hope you have a good day today” we still keep talking and along that point i fell in love. now we’re nearing half a year and i just want to say thank you for being there for me. thank you for always talking and updating me on random things because you are the best thing thats ever happened to me. I love you Al <3

@jungjeonkimin we used to talk but we dont anymore but you’re still rlly nice and i love seeing you on my dash!

@ruppels-fox Hi! I know we haven’t talked in like... forever because im not as much into mp100 as i used to be, but you’re a really good friend!!! i loved talking to you and im glad we could bond over mp100 together :) i still love seeing you on my dash

@hybridow1 bro... even tho we never talk and never really have i LOVE seeing you on my dash. you like my kpop posts and you’re a constant presence in my notes and i really i appreciate you dude. im glad we’re mutuals :)

@mushy-mooster Jas.... my baby...... i lov u a whole bunch. ur such a good friend and even though we’ve had our falling outs we’re still friends and the past school year really brought us closer together :) it was always so much fun to help you out with astronomy and i was thankful to have at least one person in the class i knew (and liked cough damien cough) and even tho you post abt dc which i frankly dont like i still love your posts bcs it makes you happy and that makes me happy :) you’re one of my best friends and im glad to have you in my life <3

@bluepandabear329 even if you’re never on here like gabrielle you’re another one of my best friends <3 you helped me through sophmore year and im so glad we became friends mel <3

@rhysymmetra rhys,,,, my man,,,,, we’ve been mutuals for a really long time and i love seeing you on my dash <3 we dont talk but you feel like an old friend and im glad i never unfollowed :) you’re really sweet!

@sanguis-ripam even tho we like... never interact ive been following you since you were trying to boost your go-fund-me for your top surgery, and its been so awesome to see you evolve from that into the man you are today and im really proud. you’re kind of a role model for me and im glad we’re mutuals :) sorry for spamming your dash with kpop lmao

@transmanlukeskywalker god... bro ive been following you since our google plus days. i remember you made a really gay oc like... fuckboy mctrash something and i still have drawings of him... you’re another one of my treasured mutuals and i hope you’re doing okay :) if you ever need anything just talk to me bro! <3

@terezi-py-rope god i think i staarted following you because we had a homestuck roleplay going on??? still we’ve been mutuals for-fucking-ever and even though you still like it and i look back and sigh its good to see you on my dash. hope you’re doing okay :)

@ugh-heterophobia Hey Sky <3 even though we just broke up and you’re not as active i like seeing you and we go way back <3 im glad we’ve stayed together as long as we have <3

@adorkablooderpy like terezi-py-rope im pretty sure we followed because of hs but ive never had the heart to unfollow and like seeing you on my dash :) 

@howmanyletterscaniputinmyurl first, impressive username. it always makes me chuckle. and we interact sometimes, but its always nice seeing you :)

AAAAAAND thats it. all of my mutuals. i just wanted to let you know i appreciate you all even though some of us never talk and others i am really good friends with. okay im done being sappy now ignore me akhdf

[yeoldontknow]

ayo bae it’s time to get lit~

what follows below is an introduction (attack) post for @igot7bangtanbaes, who has dipped her toe into the EXO water and now i would like to drown her. :3

as light of my life Kim Junmyeon once said:

LET’S GET HEATED

when EXO debuted, there originally were 12 members and they were divided into two subgroups: EXO-K and EXO-M. three members have left, so now we are left with an OT9 (but i still cherish the hell out of the past three members, they are important). eight of the members are korean and only one is chinese, so now it is time to meet your new kings. going youngest to oldest (and also because you seem hella hyped for sehun so imma start there)

Oh Sehun

the king of hearts (everyone’s heart tbh)

Name: Oh Sehun

Stage Name: Sehun

DOB: April 12, 1994

Position: (1/2) main rapper, (1/3) lead dancer, occasional vox (least we forget when he sang baek’s part in I Sing For You??)

facts as stated in the GC: maknae of the group, but also a model like he’s a prince from a different time. he often models for louis vuitton and has had spreads in vogue and marie claire, and like...he’s a king. actually, he is the lord to a small plot of land in scotland because his fans are The Most Extra and bought him goddamn Title for his birthday i cannot even. loads of people think he’s really cold and kinda stand-offish because he has the strongest resting bitch face, but he is The Biggest Softie and so Sweet. once got injured during a tour and cried, not because he couldn’t perform or that it hurt but, because he absolutely did not want to let his fans down and felt horrible. dog dad to Vivi, a white fluff made of joy. if you throw vivi replica plushies on stage at him, he will make it a point to collect them all like they are pokemon. dances like an actual rent boy and is overall, an Excellent Bias (im 90% sure this is where you will live but imma keep going to be sure).

Kim Jongin

the king of hell

Name: Kim Jongin

Stage Name: Kai

Birthday: January 14, 1994

Position: (2/3) lead dancer; rapper; vox; visual

a devil/demon here to wreck your life and smile while doing it. tbh, jongin aka nini and kai are two very different people. jongin is a soft boy. he has a silly low laugh that vibrates through his whole body and turns his mouth into a massive circle. he gets shy super easily and is always smiling. loves teddy bears, flower crowns, and fried chicken. is father to three dogs that he calls his children (no subs here just look at the smiles and cry a lot). kai on the other hand is just a torpedo of sexual tension and muscles on his abs where i didn’t know muscles could be. will smirk at you and watch with a grin as you light on fire in the aftermath. once danced so hard he destroyed his shoe. moves his hips like its a gun and you are his target. studied dance for years because that’s all he wants to do, is best friends with SHINee’s taemin. recently started acting because LOOK AT HIS FACE?? like, wow so beautiful. he is art. also super proud of how dark his skin is, which is considered v-dark culturally in korea and hopes that his children will have his skin tone, what a babe. 

DO Kyungsoo

the king of souls

Name: DO Kyungsoo

Stage Name: D.O

Birthday: January 12, 1993

Position: main vocalist

nicknamed satansoo because he takes no shit and always looks like he’d happily kill a man if it meant he could have one day of peace. very close with jongin, has a large soft spot for him (jongin may be the only person soo hasn’t actively wanted to slap). called satansoo but actually a Soft Boy; domestic AF. boy cooks (often cooks for the members), loves to read, routinely dates himself, and is very humble and kind. has a smile that can light up the earth with the force of its power. sings like an angel but is also seductive like a demon. rich chocolate vocal tones and a soft speaking voice, amazing actor. out here winning awards for his acting in recent films like boy!!

Park Chanyeol

the king of the chogidab

Name: Park Chanyeol

Stage Name: Chanyeol

Birthday: November 27, 1992

Position (under me): (2/2) main rapper; vocalist; the voice of exo; songwriter!!!; general overall talent

i will do my absolute best to keep this brief. this boy is my ult and i could wax poetic about him until the inevitable heat death of the universe. part of the beagle line with baekhyun and jongdae, cannot sit still nor control his limbs. generally is the no dance line but tries His Best and is so adorable while doing it. might not be able to dance well but does literally everything else. piano? you got it. guitar? he literally played radiohead. moog synthesizer? bought one because he could and thought it would be cool. vocals? allow me to show you his soundcloud. please live and die here. writes songs, is working his way through the athletic alphabet, raps like A Man, famously said ‘you lovin’ the size.’ once said ‘i’m yours’ on a radio station and the entire country got pregnant. overall soft boy who looks like it hurts to laugh, like it causes him physical pain to keep joy inside. amazing with kids. 

Kim Jongdae

the king of smiles

Name: Kim Jongdae

Stage Name: Chen

Birthday: May 6, 1992

Position: main vocalist

A TRUE KING OK. part of the beagle line with PCY and baekhyun. when he smiles his face is literally :} = has The Best Mouth. doesn’t think junmyeon is very funny but is simultaneously really soft for him, and will usually be among the first to praise him. is actually married to minseok - super close and have the most beautiful friendship. a literal actual ball of energy, loud as shit, and usually yelling WHY?? when he has no liquid left in his body and is sweating out his soul, he will still scream. insanely strong, stable vocals. i repeat: insanely. strong. vocals. also, coming hard for dance-line. part of EXO sub unit EXO-CBX with baekhyun and minseok. 

Byun Baekhyun

king of hoeing (idk ask @kpopfanfictrash)

Name: Byun Baekhyun

Stage Name: Baekhyun

Birthday: May 6, 1992

Position: main vocalist; also coming for the dance line

proudly gets to hold the position of tallest member of EXO-CBX. auditioned at the same time as jongdae and is know for his enthusiastic dancing. jongin once said that when he saw baek dancing it was a mess, and baek confirmed this by saing ‘it looked like mollusks dancing.’ body is double jointed and when he extends his arms it, they look like lightning bolts; thinks this might also be a disease but is ok with it. voice of literal, actual angels. looks better in smoky eye makeup than most models and is king of selfies. literally taught fans how to take a selfie. once was on instagram live and made me stare at a damn wall for 30 minutes before playing yixing’s solo album. 

Zhang Yixing

king of the entire universe

Name: Zhang Yixing

Stage Name: Lay

Birthday: October 7, 1991

Position: (3/3) lead dancer; vocalist; light of everyone’s life

even if you aren’t a soft person, you are soft for yixing. it’s one of the laws of the universe, you will always be soft for him. im going to raise an unpopular opinion and announce that i often find i prefer watching yixing dance over everyone else. when his body moves, it’s perfect into a literal art and i cry every time. the last remaining chinese member of EXO and must be protected at. all. costs. was a child actor in china before wanting to become an idol. if he could play any character in a movie, he’d like to play a dinosaur or the villain. was once told that if he wanted to improve his korean he needed to get a girlfriend. writes his own songs and plays guitar. his solo debut was the highest sales of a solo album in south korea, can you even believe. generally made of sunshine and light and love and MUST BE PROTECTED. 

Kim Junmyeon

king of money

Name: Kim Junmyeon

Stage Name: Suho

Birthday: May 22, 1991

Position: leader of EXO; vocalist

trained the longest of any member! trained for seven (7) years before making his debut with EXO, resulting in him training with most of SHINee. makes awful dad jokes and has an oddball sense of humour, but we cherish him anyway. secretly keeping abs beneath his soft tee shirts. nicknamed junmoney because he treated a lot of the members in their early days when they didn’t have money, and now they all think he’s rich. the doorman at his apartment calls him Handsome Man. messiest member but also among the most humble. always makes sure to thank everyone at awards ceremonies, refusing to leave anyone who helped them out. great at math. has a solo song called curtain that literally brought me and most of the people i know to tears within the first 90 seconds. 

Kim Minseok

king of kitties

Name: Kim Minseok

Stage Name: Xiumin

Birthday: March 26, 1990

Position: vocals; sometimes rap; moving up on the dance line

oldest member of EXO while simultaneously refusing to age. honestly, he has not aged at all. he might be a wizard. hugely popular in korea and is also holding abs of steel beneath his soft tee shirts. member of EXO subunit EXO-CBX. literally can rock any hair colour. currently getting his Ph.D and will be called Doctor Kim, i die. a general soft boy who is also a cat, but WILL WRECK YOU. boy is a pimp and will come for your ass if he detects even a moment of weakness. 

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY GIRL.