#that putting myself in that feminine and assigned box makes me feel SO gross is very much a sign that i’m not femme lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gb-fics · 5 years ago

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Valentine’s Day (2)

AU Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Shoko x Yutako (... Golden Bomber? Idk XD)

Note: Read Part 1. Also, the second part is significantly longer!

Shoko sat on her bed, carefully unwrapping the paper covering the box of chocolates Yutako had given her. She hooked her fingers under the sticky tape and loosened it. Then she unfolded the white paper, pulling it off and straightening it out, before folding it neatly and putting it aside.

She threw a glance over to Yutako. She was lying on her stomach on the carpet next to the bed. All around her, torn up pieces of wrapping paper were covering the floor. She was already chewing.

Shoko shook her head in amusement, although it was her who would have to clean up the mess afterwards.

She lifted the cover of the box and looked onto the collection of small chocolates. They weren’t heart-shaped, but round. The chocolate was dark, seemingly bitter. They themselves had made milk chocolate since they didn’t know what the boys preferred. Yutako liked milk chocolate better, too.

“It’s bitter chocolate”, Shoko said softly. “My favourite.”

Surely, that was just a coincidence, though. Yutako had grabbed what she could get her hands onto at the store. She probably hadn’t paid attention to what she was getting and she most definitely had not thought of Shoko when buying those chocolates.

“It’s not a coincidence”, Yutako said. “You are the expert on chocolate, I trust in your opinion. So, at the store, I wondered: What would Shoko buy?”

Shoko made a vague noise that did not betray how she felt somehow disappointed. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t deny that she would have wanted Yutako to get the chocolates specifically for her. Because she wanted to be the most important person in her life. They were best friends and it seemed unfair to Shoko, that a random guy should come along every now and then and become important to Yutako like the years with Shoko suddenly mattered less than his charming smile. It was just because Shoko had always cared more for their friendship than she had cared for dating. The guys always seemed slightly uninteresting to her, while with Yutako she could talk and laugh and fool around. Ever since the first year in middle school, Shoko had found Yutako more interesting than any of her male classmates. But it was a matter of personality. Yutako was objectively speaking more interesting than those guys. She was more interesting than most women, too. More interesting than Shoko, if she was being honest. So, wanting chocolates from her was nothing weird. Shoko just didn’t want to get assigned second place, when that would leave her all alone. Maybe it would be different, if she actually fell in love with a guy. Currently, she wasn’t really interested in dating, but once she met the right one, it would surely change. And if she had a significant other, she wouldn’t feel so scared of being lonely and it would be easier to share Yutako with someone else. Maybe.

“You got to try them already!”, Yutako shouted and then burst out laughing.

Shoko realized she had been staring at the chocolates for far too long already.

She took up one of them and put it into her mouth as a whole. For a moment, she just let it sit on her tongue, allowing the chocolate to melt slowly. The flavour was rich and dark. She bit into it, her teeth cracking open the hard chocolate shell and sinking into a soft cream on the inside. It tasted like cocoa and butter.

Shoko gave a small moan and chewed very slowly.

“They are perfect”, she said after swallowing.

“Let me try one, too!”, Yutako demanded and sat up.

She opened her mouth wide and looked at Shoko expectantly.

“What do you want me to do? Feed you?”, Shoko asked incredulous. She tried not to think of putting the chocolate into Yutako’s mouth, her fingers brushing her lips. It would be a weird thought.

Yutako rolled her eyes.

“No, you are supposed to throw it. Come on!”

“What are you? A circus monkey?”, Shoko asked.

She picked up one of the chocolates anyway. Yutako had opened her mouth wide again.

With a sigh Shoko bend forward and threw the chocolate. Yutako leaned forward and indeed managed to catch the chocolate with her mouth. She gave Shoko the proudest grin.

Then she started chewing and made a face.

“Ah, it’s too bitter”, she said.

“It’s perfect”, Shoko insisted, feeling almost sad to have wasted one of the chocolates on Yutako, who didn’t like them anyway. She wished she could suck the taste back from Yutako’s lips. She almost wanted to lick off the remains of the chocolate from inside Yutako’s mouth. But that was a weird thought again.

“Here, have one of ours, too”, Yutako said and lifted one of the chocolates next to herself.

“No, thank you, I’ll stick to the dark ones”, Shoko said, but Yutako was already pulling back her arms.

She didn’t look like she wanted to throw a chocolate at her best friend. She looked like she was aiming for a homerun.

“Don’t!”, Shoko protested, but the chocolate already hit her cheek. It bounced off and fell onto the bedsheets.

“I said don’t”, Shoko repeated and pulled back her legs to look for the chocolate. If it started to melt, it would leave stains on the bedsheets.

Shoko felt around with her hands, cursing under her breath.

“You should have moved to the side. Just five centimetres would have been enough. It was a good pitch.”

Yutako jumped up from the floor, though and sat down on the edge of the bed instead, lifting a pillow to help Shoko search for the missing chocolate.

“Pitch?”, Shoko snorted. “You need to learn the difference between eating and a baseball match.”

Finally, she spotted the chocolate and took it up.

“Here it is”, she announced and brushed of some fuzz to put it into her mouth.

Yutako stopped her arm halfway. She just grabbed for Shoko’s wrist and stopped her short.

“Changed my mind”, she said. “It’s the last one. Leave it to me.”

Shoko couldn’t believe Yutako had already eaten the rest, but then she wasn’t really surprised, either.

Hastily, Shoko leaned in and licked the chocolate between her fingers.

“Mine”, she said.

Yutako let go of her wrist.

“You are gross”, she said with a snort.

Shoko put the chocolate into her mouth and chewed. It tasted too sweet in comparison.

She grinned at Yutako. Yutako grinned back.

Shoko was pretty sure that girls did not do this kind of things with boys. Young women behaved differently in front of their male counterparts Shoko had observed. She would have called it more female, but then Shoko knew what women really were like, and real femininity included punches on the arm, jokes about porn and licking your food. Just on the outside it didn’t. On the outside, the other girls acted well behaved, quiet and timid. They wouldn’t dare to do anything a guy might consider gross, as if they did not dare to destroy a collective image that men had built up about womanhood for centuries. Just Yutako did not seem to care about fitting into that collective image. Shoko could not imagine trying to fit into it as well. She also acted more timid in public, but having to act like that in front of her boyfriend … it just didn’t feel like that was supposed to be the point of dating. If Shoko loved someone, she would want to be herself in front of him as much as she was herself in front of Yutako.

Yutako let herself fall onto her back, spreading her arms, so she was basically taking up the whole space in the bed aside from the small corner in which Shoko sat with her legs pulled up.

“Hey, don’t take up all the space!”, Shoko scolded her and nudged Yutako in the ribs with her foot.

“I need space, because I have a big personality”, Yutako claimed.

“You sure do, if with big you mean annoying”, Shoko said and stretched herself out, forcing Yutako to make space for her, so she could lay down on the bed next to her.

Yutako’s arm was still in the way, but Shoko ignored the elbow digging into her shoulder. Yutako had her hands folded behind her head. She was looking up at the ceiling. Shoko was looking at Yutako.

“If someone gave you one million yen right now, what would you spend them on?”, Yutako asked.

She had the habit of asking questions like these and Shoko was never sure what sparked them. They could come at the most unpredictable moments.

“I wouldn’t spend them”, Shoko said. “I’d save them. For my university fee or something.”

Yutako groaned.

“You are always so reasonable.”

Shoko picked up one of Yutako’s hair strands and swirled them between her fingers. She loved the colour, the blonde with the reddish hint. Being friends with girls was really the best. Shoko loved playing with their hair.

“I would get myself a scooter. And a leatherjacket. I would drive it to school each morning. I’d pick you up.”

“It would be a detour”, Shoko pointed out. “I don’t live that close.”

She could smell Yutako’s hairspray violently now. She thought of bubble-gum again. Shoko often wished she knew the taste to that smell. Sometimes, she wished she could pop Yutako in her mouth.

“I know, it’s a bit far for walking”, Yutako agreed. “That’s why I need a scooter. You wouldn’t have to take the train anymore.”

Shoko exhaled softly. Her breath caused Yutako’s hair to shiver between her fingers.

“And why the leather jacket?”, she asked.

“Oh, the leather jacket is just to make me look badass.”

Shoko snorted. Yutako sure as hell did not need a leather jacket for that.

“Does that mean you’d take off the sweater for once?”, Shoko asked and let go of Yutako’s hair to lightly tug at the grey fabric.

She imagined Yutako’s body underneath. She rarely saw her in a normal shirt. Just sometimes, in summer, she’d switch to summer dresses, leaving her shoulders bare. She had small boobs, the size of Shoko’s hands. Shoko wondered what she looked like naked.

“You want me to freeze?!”, Yutako protested loudly and changed her position to wrap her arms around her upper body, as if wanting to keep herself warm. Her elbow hit Shoko against the breastbone.

“I’d wear the leather jacket on top of it!”

Shoko imagined Yutako in an oversized biker jacket. The sleeves too long for her, the jacket almost as long as her skirt. She imagined how Yutako’s hair would look messy after taking off the helmet. She’d look incredible.

“You’d look ridiculous”, Shoko said.

“Oi!”, Yutako protested and rolled to the side to look at Shoko. Her eyes were large.

Shoko thought of how the smell of her hairspray would mix in with the smell of warm leather. She thought of wrapping her arms around Yutako’s waist from behind.

“You know who is going to look ridiculous?”, Yutako asked. “You, when you run after my scooter, because I’m driving off without you.”

Shoko laughed.

If she reached out, she could wrap her arms around Yutako right now. Her body would feel warm. Once she got up from the bed, she sheets would feel warm, too, and they’d smell like Yutako. Shoko imagined pressing her face into those sheets. It would be like hugging Yutako, but less stressful, because Yutako wasn’t actually present while she did. And if Shoko’s thoughts turned a little weird while she thought of the body that had warmed up those sheets, Yutako wouldn’t be there to judge.

“You’d leave me behind like that?”, Shoko assured.

“Never”, Yutako said. The answer came fast. “Unless you make fun of me again.”

“Never”, Shoko said and smiled. “Unless you are being stupid again.”

Yutako squinted her eyes at her thoughtfully.

“I guess that means you are never going to ride that scooter with me, right?”, she assured.

Shoko chuckled.

“I’ll be forever stuck riding the train”, she confirmed.

Their joking made her feel happy and light. She felt safe. Shoko decided, that she could allow herself one more weird thought for today, just because the atmosphere felt so wholesome.

She really wished Yutako would kiss her right now.

* * *

Yutaka felt nervous. He couldn’t recall the last time he had been nervous before a date. Usually, he just knew the girl would like him. This time, he wasn’t even sure Shou would show up. And even if he did, he wasn’t sure Shou would still be there once he arrived. Yutaka was running late.

He hurried through the crowd, trying to make it to the west exit. He had dropped by at home shortly, changing into regular clothes. They suited him better.

Yutaka looked around.

He spotted Shou right next to the exit. He hadn’t changed out of his school uniform, but wasn’t carrying a bag anymore. As always, he looked weirdly hunched over.

Yutaka took a moment to study him from the distance. He wondered if Shou was attractive. Today at school, he had been too surprised to even think about it. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about this date, aside from liking the challenge. But he concluded that, yes, Shou was handsome. It wasn’t the standard good looks that for example Kenji wore. But there was something cute and interesting about his features. Yutaka didn’t mind going out with him. Maybe he was more flexible on the matter than he himself had assumed.

“Hey, you came!”, he exclaimed happily.

Shou had been gazing into the other direction and flinched. He did not look very pleased as he turned towards Yutaka. Yutaka wondered why he had shown up in the first place. He really did not seem too impressed with Yutaka.

“I almost left again. I thought you’d stand me up.”

“Ah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Yutaka said and touched his hair absent-mindedly.

Maybe Shou had been scared he was indeed just pranking him. He hadn’t meant to make him feel that way.

“But I’m glad I came in time to catch you.” He smiled at Shou. Shou did not smile back. This was going to be a tough date.

“So, I made this reservation at a café around here”, he said. “Let’s go there.”

He was about to turn around, but then stopped short. He had made the reservation, assuming he’d go there with a girl. Girls liked cute cafes. They liked cute cakes and cute stuff in general. But Shou wasn’t a girl.

Inwardly, Yutaka cursed himself for wasting his time with going home to change. He should have used the time to come up with a plan B instead.

“Is that okay?”, he assured. “Is that what guys do with other guys? Going to cafes? Or are we supposed to …”

He made a gesture with his arms that implied a mixture of kickboxing and throwing something.

“… to do men stuff?”

Shou stared at him for a moment as if he needed time to process the question. Then he reached up to straighten his glasses. His eyes behind them looked small.

“Ah, you see”, he said slowly. “When guys date other guys, we don’t really do this kind of thing. We usually just suck each other off while watching baseball.”

Yutaka thought about that for a moment. He sometimes met with Kenji to watch baseball. Yutaka liked that. He’d like it even better with sexual benefits.

“Seriously?”, he assured. “Because that sounds pretty awesome.”

“No, that sounds awful”, Shou corrected him. He paused. “I don’t like baseball.”

Yutaka noticed the sly expression on Shou’s face. He was smirking slightly. He only didn’t like baseball. Yutaka’s face felt heated as he thought about what that implied for the other part. The girls he went out with, usually weren’t that bold. It was kind of exciting.

“But you like cafes?”, he assured, only now realizing that Shou had been making fun of him all along. He felt stupid again.

“I do”, Shou said and shrugged.

Yutaka exhaled with relief.

“Great, it’s right over there”, he said and pointed down the street.

As they walked over in silence, Yutaka tried to calm down a bit. Shou was dismissive in a way that made him feel stressed. Well, at least he wasn’t bored for a change.

They had to walk up a flight of stairs, passing by a line of people that had formed already.

Shou looked worried as they walked past the waiting couples.

“Don’t worry”, Yutaka reassured him. “I reserved a table. We can go right through.”

Shou bit his lower lip and Yutaka wondered if that was what he had been worried about.

He walked over to the reception desk, gesturing to catch the attention of the waitress who led couples over to their tables whenever there was a free space again.

“I made a reservation”, Yutaka said. “The name is Kyan.”

The young woman checked on her list.

“Oh, yes, a table for two. You were smart to reserve a table. We’re completely packed today. Just follow me.”

Yutaka turned around to look for Shou. He had remained standing several steps behind him as if trying to distance himself from Yutaka.

“Come on!”, he waved at him.

Shou took only a hesitant step forward.

Yutaka turned back to the waitress. She wasn’t quite able to hide the surprise on her face.

Yutaka now realized what Shou had been worried about. He really was a little slow on those things today, but he assumed that Shou had spent years worrying about them already. Yutaka had been so focused on following through with his date plan, that he hadn’t even considered Shou might feel embarrassed being seen with another guy in public.

They followed the waitress over to a table in the corner of the room. It was a nice table, pretty big for two people and set in an area that was less crowded and almost quiet. The benefits of reserving early.

Yutaka made himself comfortable, not bothering to study the menu. He had seen the advertisement for the Valentine’s special when they entered.

Shou however took up the menu and held it up in front of his face.

“People are staring at us”, he said lowly.

“They don’t care”, Yutaka said and looked around.

There were a few people who had turned their heads to look at them. Not all of them looked entirely friendly.

“It’s none of their business”, Yutaka added. “We could just be friends who didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day and felt like eating some cake together.”

Shou did not lower the menu.

Yutaka gave him a moment, but then realized Shou would remain seated like that for the rest of the afternoon, if he allowed him to. He decided to just treat Shou like he would treat a girl, if she was being shy. Yutaka was quite good at making girls feel at ease around him. Why shouldn’t it work on Shou?

He reached for the menu Shou was holding and pulled it down, so Shou had to look at him.

“I’m reading”, Shou said grimly.

“You’re hiding”, Yutaka corrected. “Don’t be like that. I want to see your pretty face.”

Shou stared at him blankly.

“My what?”, he asked.

“Your face”, Yutaka repeated. “It’s pretty.”

The way Shou looked at him, it started to sound like a dumb thing to say.

“Don’t”, Shou said and finally put down the menu onto the table.

Yutaka took a mental note that Shou was one of the people who got uncomfortable when complimented on their appearance. There were two kinds of people who got uncomfortable. The shy ones, who deep down felt flattered and with whom you needed to keep pushing and flirting to make them open up. And the insecure ones, who closed down completely, because they thought you were making fun of them. Shou definitely belonged to the latter.

“If you want to leave, just tell me”, Yutaka said seriously.

Shou shook his head shortly.

A waitress appeared next to their table.

“Have you decided yet?”, she asked.

Yutaka looked over at Shou. He gave a small shrug, as if he wasn’t really sure.

“I’d like to try the Valentine’s special, if you don’t mind. It’s for two people”, Yutaka said. Shou shrugged again.

“Anything else? Something to drink?”, the waitress asked.

“A coffee, please”, Shou said.

He sounded more confident than he looked like.

“I’m good, thank you”, Yutaka declined and watched the waitress walk off.

Shou started drumming a short rhythm on the table plate over and over again. It made Yutaka feel tense. He tried to think of something to say.

He actually had a lot of questions. Was Shou gay? When had he figured it out? What made him so sure? Had he dated other men before? If so, how far had he taken it with them? Had he told anyone about his sexuality yet?

Yutaka felt very curious, but then he thought of asking those questions on his first date with a girl: “So, are you sure you are straight and how is your sexual experience so far?” Even Yutaka could tell that it would make him sound like a dick.

If he had been with a girl, he’d try to get to know about her interests and hobbies first.

“So”, he started. “Since you don’t seem to like sports, are you doing any other club activities?”

Shou’s fingers stopped their drumming for a moment and he furrowed his brow while looking at Yutaka. He seemed to wonder why Yutaka would ask that question.

“I’m in the music club”, he finally said and went back to thrumming on the table.

“Drums?”, Yutaka asked and pointed at his hand.

Shou stared at his own fingers as if they had betrayed him somehow and then pulled his hand back from the table.

“Anxiety”, he said.

For a moment, they sat in silence, then Shou’s features softened as if he decided he had been a little too harsh.

“I also play drums, though”, he admitted. “And a few other instruments.”

Yutaka snorted.

“And a few other instruments?! Don’t say it so casually! You play guitar, too?”

It was the first instrument Yutaka could think of.

Shou shrugged.

“Yeah, guitar. Bass. I really like piano. Violin, somewhat. But actually, I prefer singing.”

Yutaka stared at him.

“You know, that’s crazy”, he said. “I need a moment to process that. Are you actually good at these things? Because I got a guitar as a present once and tried to tune it according to a youtube tutorial and it still sounds like shit. So, are you playing instruments like that or like for real?”

Shou laughed quietly. His teeth were showing like that. Yutaka thought they looked cute somehow. Shou had a charming smile.

“No, I play them for real”, he said. “Also, if you need help with tuning that guitar …”

Yutaka waved it off.

“I know myself. I’d be too lazy to practice anyway. It would be wasted on me. Hey, didn’t we go to karaoke together with a group from class once? You were pretty good.”

Shou nodded. He was casting his eyes down, but he was smiling. When it came to music, he was actually the shy type for compliments; the type where you had to keep pushing.

“You go to karaoke often?”

“No, not at all”, Shou said.

“Why, if you like singing?”, Yutaka wanted to know.

Shou grinned awkwardly.

“You see, I like singing, but I don’t really like people. So, I rather sit home alone.”

Usually, when someone mentioned being alone, it sounded somewhat bitter. Shou had stated it off-handed, though, and Yutaka didn’t really know what to do with that information.

“Then what do you do instead? What else do you like aside from music?”

Shou gave a small hum as if he wanted to buy time with that.

“I like manga”, he said. “And porn. Video games. I also really appreciate manga and video games that have porn in them.”

Yutaka laughed.

“See”, he said. “Finally, we have found some common ground.”

Shou chuckled. He looked cute again.

“Here, your order”, the waitress announced. Yutaka hadn’t noticed her approaching.

She placed a large plate between them. It had two small cakes and a lot of sliced up fruits sprinkled with chocolate arranged on it. She put down a cup of coffee in front of Shou, too.

Shou took up one of the small milk containers and ripped it open. He poured the milk into his coffee and stirred it with his spoon. Yutaka watched him closely.

“I haven’t really gotten used to coffee yet”, he confessed. “I can’t get rid of the feeling that it’s a drink for adults and I shouldn’t drink it.”

Shou snorted.

“I’m not grown-up”, he said. “Just tired all the time.”

He took a sip from his coffee. His face lit up.

“Aah”, he exhaled.

Yutaka took up a fork and went straight for the cake.

Shou pierced up a strawberry with his fork and used it to wipe off some of the liquid chocolate from the plate.

“You like sweets?”, Yutaka asked.

“I love chocolate”, Shou said.

Yutaka was about to offer him some of the chocolates he had received today. It was always too much for a single person anyway. But on a date with a girl, he’d be careful to bring up other girls, who liked him, so he decided to not go there. Maybe it would make Shou feel weird.

“The cake is pretty good”, Yutaka said instead.

Shou chewed for a moment, then swallowed.

“Thank you”, he said.

Yutaka looked up in surprise.

“For what?”, he wanted to know.

Shou gestured vaguely down onto the plate.

“Thank you for making this feel like a normal date. I really appreciate.”

Yutaka looked down onto the plate again, because he didn’t really know what to tell Shou.

He was trying to make it feel normal, but he wasn’t sure he was succeeding at it. With Shou, it was different than with the girls he usually took out. He was more distant somehow, but at the same time more easy-going when it came to sexual jokes for example. He hadn’t quite figured out yet how Shou’s comfort zone worked.

“I wondered …”, he started, but broke off. “Why did you give me those chocolates? I don’t feel like you really like me a lot.”

Shou blew out his cheeks and lowered his gaze.

“There aren’t really a lot of guys around who are like me”, he said vaguely. “I just thought that with you I might have a chance. That we are the same, I mean.”

Yutaka hesitated. He was pretty sure what Shou was talking about here, he just wasn’t sure what had given him the idea. It was true, that this date didn’t actually feel weird to Yutaka, but dating men was something he had never considered, before Shou dropped the chocolates into his locker.

“What made you think so?”, he asked and had to clear his throat, because he sounded somehow hoarse.

Did Shou know something that he didn’t? Was he giving off vibes that he did not know of himself, but that were obvious to gay people?

“Well, you …” Shou looked up and there was serious confusion showing on his face. He seemed to hesitate if Yutaka really asked him to point out something so obvious.

“You have the gay birthmark”, he said.

Yutaka looked at him dumbfoundedly.

“The … the birthmark”, Shou stuttered. “All gay people have it. I thought … it’s genetics.”

“Where?”, Yutaka asked.

“The one on your neck”, Shou said. “I saw it in the locker room and thought … I have the same.”

He moved to pull down his shirt, but then changed his mind as if remembering where he was.

Yutaka felt like he was missing out on something obvious.

“You sure you don’t like men?”, Shou asked. “Never thought of it? Never accidently slipped in a mental pic of some cocks while touching yourself?”

He looked at Yutaka with utter astonishment.

Yutaka tried to recall if anything like that had ever happened to him before. There might have been one or two occasions where … He felt himself blushing.

“Eh”, he said.

Shou burst out laughing. He leaned back on his chair and for the first time today, he really looked relaxed.

“Dude, a gay birthmark? Seriously.”

Yutaka felt himself blush even harder. Once again, he felt pretty stupid.

“Oi!”, he shouted angrily trying to cover up his embarrassment. “Don’t make fun of me like that! What do I know?”

Shou raised his eyebrows at him as if he had wondered the exact same thing already.

“You were really convincing.”

Shou smiled at him.

“Thank you”, he said sweetly.

When he smiled like that, Yutaka couldn’t even be mad at him.

He looked down on the empty plate between them.

“Want to head out?”, he suggested. “There are so many people waiting outside, we should clear the table.”

“Sure”, Shou agreed.

Yutaka grabbed for the recipe to pay on his way out.

“Wait”, Shou held him back. “We can split the bill.”

“No way.” Yutaka shook his head determinedly. “It’s a date and I asked you out. You gave me the chocolates already.”

Shou pulled up his shoulders a little. He looked defensive again. Yutaka wondered if he had said something wrong to make him tense up.

“You got so many, you probably won’t even eat them.”

Yutaka laughed. Shou clearly underestimated his stomach. Then he remembered that this was a date and he tried to imagine what he would do, if a girl told him the same.

“Even if I can’t eat them all”, he said. “I’d make sure to eat yours. They are special to me.”

Shou made a face.

Yutaka had meant it, though. Looking at Shou, he felt happy that he had given him chocolates. No matter how gruff he acted now, he liked Yutaka well enough to give him chocolates. That was a nice feeling.

“I’ll pay”, Yutaka offered. “You can wait outside already.”

He had noticed that Shou looked uncomfortable as they approached the crowded area around the entrance.

Shou nodded and headed out while Yutaka handed the recipe to the cashier. When he came down the stairs, Shou was waiting for him next to the exit. For a moment, Yutaka had actually feared he might just have left in the meantime. Sometimes, he had the feeling they got along well and other times he felt like Shou remained just out of reach and like he might pull away completely any moment.

“What now?”, Shou asked.

Yutaka shrugged and nodded away from the busy streets.

“The river is right there”, he pointed out. “We could just take a stroll.”

Shou made a gesture like he didn’t really care either way.

It really wasn’t far. The street led right down to the river and all they had to do was turn right to get down to the walkway that stretched out next to the river. Although the shopping street had been bustling, here only two more couples were strolling along.

Yutaka looked over to them. He’d be doing the same as them, if he was walking with a girl right now. One guy had his arm around the shoulders of his girlfriend. Yutaka was clearly not tall enough to try the same with Shou.

He reached out for his hand instead. Shou’s fingers were cold and Yutaka noticed himself that he was holding on to him too tightly. It didn’t feel romantic, but rather like he was trying to keep Shou from running away.

Shou pulled his hand back violently.

“Are you crazy?”, he hissed angrily. “Don’t just do that!”

“There is hardly anyone here”, Yutaka said. “And that’s what you do on a date. Hold hands.”

“Well, I don’t want to hold your hand”, Shou huffed.

“I’m sorry.” Yutaka sighed.

They walked on for a bit and Yutaka had no idea what to say. He seemed to get it all wrong. To him, holding hands with Shou right now would have felt nice. That surprised him a little, but Yutaka wasn’t one to question his own feelings for too long.

Maybe Shou’s distant behaviour could have been explained with the fact that it was their first date. But then it wasn’t like they were strangers. They were in the same class for years now and had even worked on group projects together a couple of times. It was true, that Shou hadn’t exactly opened up to them back then either, but he had joked around a little and Yutaka had always found him likeable, if a little weird maybe. They had even attended the same middle school, though they had been in different classes back then.

Shou turned his steps towards the barrier that was erected at the side of the river. Yutaka followed him. Shou placed his hands on the railing, looking out onto the streaming water below.

Yutaka inhaled deeply. The air always seemed clearer this close to running water. He actually liked the river side.

He turned his head to look at Shou, who stared out onto the water. Yutaka could tell that he was thinking hard about something and wished Shou would just talk to him. He wanted to make him feel comfortable, but he had no idea what was bothering him.

“I thought”, Shou said and then paused. “I gave you the chocolates, because you seemed like an outsider, too, just different. But sometimes, when I saw you with your friends or talking to girls, you looked so bored. As if you were wondering what game everyone else was playing and why they didn’t let you in on what made all of that so interesting. And I thought maybe it’s because you want something else than most of the others, too. I thought maybe you like men as well. And even if it’s not that, that feeling of being set apart from others somehow. I thought you’d understand.”

Shou hadn’t turned to looked at him, but kept staring onto the river as he spoke.

Yutaka, however, watched him closely.

He was surprised by Shou’s words. He was surprised that they were true. He sometimes felt bored with everything and like he was somehow not fitting in with the others. He wished they would let him in on what was so interesting about sports and girls that you could talk about nothing else for years and years and years. And he was surprised that Shou had noticed.

Yutaka licked his lips. He wanted to explain to Shou, that he did feel that way, like he was lacking something that everyone else seemed to possess. And how he had decided to go out looking for it this Valentine’s Day. Because there had to be more to this life than just that. Just more. Something that he had missed so far. Something that Yutaka wanted but most people seemed do fine without. It was like looking for a missing piece of his own personality. Maybe it was liking guys. Maybe that was what set him apart from Jun and Kenji and why it felt shallow to him when they talked about girls. Nice, but shallow, like it was only part of something larger that they kept missing.

He studied Shou’s profile. The small eyes behind his glasses, the small, pointy nose, the full lips.

“I want to kiss you”, he said.

Of all the deep things on Yutaka’s mind, only that had managed to get out.

Now Shou did turn to look at him frightened, as if he feared Yutaka would kiss him right here.

“I mean”, Yutaka carried on hastily. “My parents aren’t home. I planned to bring a girl home and well, please, let’s go back to my place.”

Even to himself, it sounded rambling and incoherent. Shou’s expression was impossible to read. He seemed insecure of what to feel in the first place.

“No, I don’t want to”, he finally said.

Yutaka knew that he would have to explain himself better.

“I know this is probably not exactly what you want”, he admitted. “But you said so yourself, there aren’t a lot of guys around, who will offer you this. And if you are anything like me, you definitely want to do it with someone. And since you gave me the chocolates and thought you might have a chance with me, I assume a small part of you hoped for this at least. Just tell me honestly, that you haven’t thought of touching and kissing me yet.”

He looked at Shou expectantly. Shou winced.

“I gave them to you, before it turned out you were a vain idiot. Not everyone is crazy about you, you know? Please, give my chocolates back.”

Yutaka felt himself soften.

“I just mean, it’s alright if you don’t really like me. You’d probably like to get a little physical anyway. And I’m … well, I’m not entirely sure about this, but I’d like to try. I don’t think I mind you are a guy. Like, at all. But I can’t be entirely sure unless I try, right? And this is definitely not the nicest way to propose this, but I won’t whisper sweet nothingness to you and I won’t make promises I won’t keep. I just know that right now …”

Yutaka looked around to see if no one was walking by close, before turning to look at Shou’s lips again.

“I really, really want to kiss you, but I know I won’t be allowed to do it in public. So, let’s go back to my room and if you don’t feel comfortable with it, I’m not going to do anything, but at least we have the option there.”

While he was still speaking, Shou had picked up thrumming on the railing, watching Yutaka closely.

Finally, he inhaled deeply.

“My mind says no”, he said. “But my sex drive says yes.”

Yutaka gave him his best charming grin.

“Well, if your sex drive is anything like mine, your mind doesn’t stand a chance.”

Shou laughed, fully exposing his teeth.

“Man”, he said. “I just hope at least you’re living close.”

* * *

“So neat!”, Yutako exclaimed, shutting the door behind herself and looking down onto the folded blanket Shoko had put down onto the futon, that was laid out at the exact centre of the room.

“I had to clean up your mess first”, Shoko said, sitting on her bed cross-legged.

“Thanks for letting me stay so spontaneously”, Yutako said and made herself comfortable on the futon.

She was wearing a pyjama that Shoko had lent her. It was a flannel one with long legs and sleeves and buttons all the way down. It was too large for Shoko and too large for Yutako, too. She looked adorable in it. Her hair was down now and she had removed her makeup. Her eyes still looked large, but her lips were no longer glossy but a little chapped.

Shoko herself slept in shorts and an oversized shirt with the comical drawing of a shark on it.

“Well, it’s Friday”, she said and shrugged, indicating that she hadn’t had any plans for the weekend anyway.

It made her nervous whenever Yutako slept over, although she couldn’t quite name why. She also liked it, though. Having Yutako to herself for so long and watching her stagger around after waking up. Yutako wasn’t a morning person.

Yutako went to unfold the blanket. She nearly managed to strangle herself with it.

“You are really so good at keeping your things in order. Such a housewife”, she said.

Shoko crossed the arms in front of her chest.

There was the dreaded term again.

“I don’t like it when you call me that”, she said. Her voice came out quieter than she had intended. Other than Yutako she wasn’t really good at raising it. She always sounded firm, though.

“Sorry, I’m just bitter”, Yutako said and finally lay down.

“Bitter?”, Shoko assured.

She could not imagine what Yutako could possibly be bitter about. She was already better at Shoko when it came to merely being present. Yutako somehow was more present than other people. She made sure of that.

“Yes, that you are so much better at everything that is somehow useful”, Yutako clarified. “And that you are calm and sweet. You are just better at being a woman than me.”

Shoko looked onto the wall opposite to her. She wondered if that was really how Yutako felt. To Shoko, it had always seemed like Yutako was the better woman. She did not try to conform. She had that raging energy inside of her that was life itself. To Shoko, she was the ideal of womanhood.

“I’m not good at it. I fail at many things that seem to come natural to other girls”, Shoko said lowly.

“Like what?”, Yutako asked.

Shoko had not expected the question. Yutako didn’t get in the mood for a serious talk often, but once she did, she did not let go easily.

All that Shoko could think of, was liking men.

“Knitting?”, she said.

Yutako snorted with laughter.

“Okay, but can you imagine me knitting?”, she asked.

“No”, Shoko said. “But I can imagine you stabbing someone with knitting needles.”

“I would, if they tried to make me knit”, Yutako confirmed.

“Can I switch off the light?”, Shoko asked.

Yutako gave an approving hum.

Shoko reached out to turn off the light and then crawled underneath her own blanket. There was a small light still lit on her desk. Shoko had needed it to fall asleep way into elementary school, since she had been scared of the dark. By now, she kept it on whenever Yutako was sleeping over. The light was dim enough to fall asleep over it (not that Yutako ever had problems falling asleep anyhow), but bright enough to see each other while talking quietly.

Shoko remained lying on her side for a while, looking down on Yutako. The light was so dim that from the distance Shoko could not tell if she had her eyes still open or already closed. For a moment, she just stayed silent, waiting if Yutako would say anything more.

When she didn’t keep on talking, Shoko rolled onto her back, closing her eyes. They had stayed up kind of late already and it wasn’t surprising Yutako would go straight to sleep. Shoko usually needed a long time to drift off to sleep and it got worse when Yutako was in the room. Shoko felt weirdly excited then and her body seemed desperate to stay awake as if she was scared of missing out a second of the night with Yutako next to her. Shoko wondered if friendship felt like that for other people, too.

To keep her thoughts from spinning, she focused on her breathing. In and out. Counting to ten. That kind of stuff. Sometimes it helped her relax. Sometimes it didn’t. It seemed to depend less on the exercise, but rather on her mood that day.

“Hey, Shoko?”, Yutako asked.

She was speaking more quietly in the dark, but she was never whispering. Maybe she wasn’t so much lowering the volume of her voice. Maybe she just sounded softer in the dark.

“Hm?”, Shoko hummed.

“You remember how we used to share the bed when we were younger?”

Shoko gave another hum, not questioning this time, but rather vague.

She remembered how warm and cosy it had felt at first and then how it had caused her heartbeat to quicken. She had been glad when Yutako retreated to the futon.

“Why we don’t do that anymore?”, Yutako wanted to know.

Shoko’s heartbeat quickened. She wished Yutako would stay on the futon.

“Because we have grown and you already took up all the space back then”, Shoko said. “The bed is too small.”

“Can I come over anyway?”, Yutako asked.

“No”, Shoko said. “Why?” Her voice sounded thin on the last word.

“It’s Valentine’s Day”, Yutako said with a light sing-song. “I’m lonely.”

Shoko wondered if that implied Yutako would have preferred to be with a guy right now. Shoko wondered if that meant Yutako wanted to use Shoko as a replacement tonight. She imagined Yutako sneaking in under the covers with her. She imagined that Yutako might want to kiss her or that she might strip of her shirt. She imagined holding Yutako in her arms naked and her warm skin and the soft outlines of her body. She felt her pulse throbbing in her pelvis.

Shoko pressed her eyes shut even tighter as if the darkness could also cover up her imagination.

“You clung to me all day already”, she said, trying to scold Yutako. Her voice came out a little hoarse.

She waited for Yutako’s answer, but instead she just heard rustling from the futon. It sounded as if Yutako was trying to free herself from the blanket again or as if she was wrestling a wild animal. Shoko did not dare to check on her.

Then she felt her own blanket being lifted. She groaned, but did not dare to move.

Yutako slipped in next to her, wrapping her limps all around Shoko without further ado. Her leg was on top of Shoko’s legs now. She could sense Yutako’s foot against her bare shin, the rest of Yutako’s leg was thankfully covered by the fabric of her pyjama. Yutako’s arm was draped across Shoko’s ribcage. Her shirt had slipped up a little when Yutako hugged her like that. Shoko could feel a line of maybe 5cms at her belly growing somewhat colder. If Yutako shifted her weight just a little, her hand would touch Shoko’s bare waist. Yutako’s face was against Shoko’s shoulder. Her hair smelled different now, less artificial, as if she had managed to brush out all the hairspray before going to bed.

Shoko did not dare to move. She hardly dared to breathe.

A part of her was panicking, because Yutako was so very, very close right now and if she fell asleep like this, Shoko would be left alone all night with those thoughts that made her feel confused and also slightly ashamed, because Yutako was her friend and because she knew it wasn’t how the other girls from her class would feel in such a situation. Although Shoko technically knew that there were women out there, who felt the same, it still seemed like she was the only person in the entire world with those feelings sometimes. No one had ever told her what to do when her hands grew so sweaty and when her throat felt so dry and when you couldn’t giggle about it with your girl friends.

At the same time, she felt happy, though. It seemed incredible to her, that a perfect human being like Yutako hugged her like that and that she felt comfortable enough to just snuggle up to her, without makeup and without excuses and without pretending. Shoko wished she could stop pretending, too.

“I’m glad you didn’t give your chocolates to Yutaka”, Yutako said close to her ear. She was indeed speaking almost quietly now.

“So, you could eat them yourself?”, Shoko assured.

After all those years, even when she got nervous, she was never at a lack of jokes, at least not with Yutako.

Yutako chuckled and Shoko could sense her whole body shaking against hers. Yutako’s body felt very soft, everywhere they were touching.

“No”, Yutako admitted. “But I would have been so furious, if he didn’t ask you out. You are so cute; can’t he see you are the best thing that could ever happen to him? If he didn’t appreciate you, I’d want to punch him.”

Shoko mused whenever or not that meant Yutako had already assumed that Yutaka would not ask her out. She felt a little offended her friend thought her to be so plain.

“But the problem is”, Yutako went on. “If he did ask you out, I’d also want to punch him. It’s complicated.”

Shoko snorted, but she did not dare to inquire what Yutako meant by that. She couldn’t possibly mean that she already felt raging jealous whenever Shoko mentioned a guy or that she wanted her all to herself, in a way that included more than just friendship.

“I just want to protect you from everything”, Yutako finished.

Shoko wondered what she was supposed to say to that. That she could take care of herself? That she hadn’t given the chocolates to Yutaka after all? That actually she did not feel like giving chocolates to a guy, now or ever?

Yutako’s hand slipped down a little, and now she was touching bare skin. Shoko expected her to pull back, or to just let her hand rest there silently, but instead Yutako’s fingers started stroking over her waist lightly. They just went back and forth in a small radius, the touch so light it was almost tickling. Shoko shuddered, although she tried to suppress it. This close to her, she was sure that Yutako could sense it.

The caress was tender, but just innocent enough to be joked off, if one of them changed their mind now.

Shoko rolled over to the side, struggling a bit to do so in Yutako’s embrace. They were facing each other now. Shoko could sense Yutako’s breath on her face in a way that was incredible annoying when you tried to sleep, but somehow didn’t feel so bad at all while you were still awake. Her shirt had slid up farther and Yutako’s palm was resting on her waist now. She usually had warm hands, although she was often freezing.

Hesitantly, Shoko put out her own hand, placing it on Yutako’s hip. She was so skinny that Shoko could feel her hipbone clearly. Yutako picked up to move her thumb across Shoko’s skin in a soothing motion again.

Shoko thought of all the things she wanted to explain, all the things she should be saying right now. But the words never came to her as easily as they came to Yutako. Sometimes, it felt like she had a certain word limit for the day and she needed to choose carefully. There were a lot of words for the things Shoko felt, but all of them would be wasted. They were insufficient, not enough for what she really wanted to express. All the words humanity had made up were meant for general use. There was the word chair, that applied to all the chairs in the world. But there wasn’t a word for that one wooden chair with the scrapped leg, that her grandmother used to sit in, that her little brother had spilled soup over once and that was in possession of their family for exactly 26 years 3 months and 2 days now. Just calling it a chair didn’t do justice to any of its characteristics nor its history. There was also the word love. But it wasn’t even getting close to the specific feelings that Shoko held for Yutako.

So, Shoko decided to not say anything at all.

She leaned in and kissed Yutako, gentle and carefully. Her lips felt warm and a little chapped indeed.

Yutako’s hand slipped to her back, underneath the shirt, holding Shoko close.

“You don’t need to worry about Yutaka”, Shoko whispered. “I don’t …” She hesitated. “I don’t think I really like guys.”

It was the first time she said those words out loud and the relief was almost making her dizzy. It was more relieving than finally kissing Yutako.

“Not at all?”, Yutako asked, as quietly as was possible for her.

Shoko shook her head very lightly.

“Not at all”, she confirmed.

“I thought I was going crazy”, Yutako mumbled and then it was her, who leaned in and kissed Shoko and she parted her lips and the kiss went from dry to slightly wet and Shoko could feel it all over her body. It felt like a gum bubble was popping inside her chest and it was filled with warm water, that slowly trickled down, making her feel hot and flustered.

They broke the kiss again, without moving much. They were just holding on to each other in the dim light. Underneath the blanket, it was really warm together.

“I always really liked guys”, Yutako said. Shoko wondered if she also felt relieved to finally get the words out. “I guess I still do. But at the same time, you are so cute, I could just eat you.”

“Promise?”, Shoko teased.

It obviously took Yutako a moment to get the joke, because she jerked her head away from Shoko violently.

“Oi, pervert!”, she exclaimed loudly.

Shoko chuckled, because she knew this aggressive tone of voice that seemed to cover up a pout. It wasn’t the usual cheerful loudness Yutako sometimes burst into, but the one she only used when she was embarrassed and tried to cover it up. Most people could probably not see the difference, but Shoko had never found it difficult to tell. Some inner mechanism seemed to keep Yutako from turning regular shy, but Shoko loved when she tried to cover up a blush.

She reached up to put her hand against Yutako’s cheek. Gently, she made Yutako turn her face towards her again, then she kissed her once more, lazy and slow. She felt Yutako’s whole body softening against herself. The tension faded from her limbs again and finally, Yutako seemed willing to lay down her arms.

“Okay”, she said softly, not answering a specific question at all. “Okay.”

For maybe the first time in her entire life, Yutako was whispering.

* * *

Shou sat down at the very edge of his bed. Yutaka could not believe he had agreed to come here. He looked highly uncomfortable.

But then, most girls Yutaka had brought home before had looked highly uncomfortable at the beginning. Yutaka figured that he just had to be patient and that it would really be no different with Shou than it was with girls. He would court him a little, kiss him, court him some more until he eased up, kiss him again and then, Shou would hesitantly return his kiss and maybe allow Yutaka some touching above waistline. He almost felt disappointed that the game should be so similar with a guy. Yutaka had looked for something new today, but he figured that humans were all kind of the same.

“Can I get you something? Water maybe? Juice? Tea?”

Shou shook his head. He was sitting on the bed as if he tried to curl back up into himself.

Yutaka sat down next to him, making sure to leave enough space to not make Shou uncomfortable.

“Your room is really tidy”, Shou observed. He was mumbling a little as if the words weren’t really meant for Yutaka at all.

“I cleaned up yesterday”, Yutaka said.

Shou snorted.

“You planned to bring someone here, although you didn’t even know whom you would date. You really are the worst.”

Yutaka looked at him. Shou’s right leg was bouncing up and down nervously as if he his body was in flight mode and he only stopped himself from getting up and running away by sheer force of will.

Yutaka considered what the best answer would be. If he had been with a girl right now, he’d say something corny like “just because I hoped it would be you”, but Shou would obviously not buy into that. And if he had been with a regular male friend, Yutaka would have cracked a joke, that made him look more sexually confident than he really was. Both times, he’d be lying, though. With Shou, he clearly had to find a middle way. Yutaka decided that the truth was close enough.

“I mean, I like making out with girls”, he said. “But it’s not just sexual. I really hope that it works out every time. That maybe, this will be it and I will feel more … complete.”

Shou nodded slowly. Yutaka had the feeling that maybe he actually understood what he meant. It was nice to be honest with someone for a change. Maybe, that was what he had been missing.

“May I …?”, he asked and shuffled closer to Shou.

Shou did not pull back, which in Yutaka’s experience was usually a good sign.

He leaned in, but since Shou did not turn his head to look at him, Yutaka had to bend over awkwardly to reach his lips. He kissed Shou lightly. He had to tilt his head, too, because Shou’s glasses were somehow in the way and he didn’t really know where to put his hands to keep his balance and Shou wasn’t helping him at all. His lips felt dry and not much different from the girls Yutaka had kissed so far.

He pulled back, nearly glad that at least he could sit up normally again.

Shou smacked his lips, as if checking if they felt any different now. He had pulled up his shoulders even farther.

“I don’t like it”, he said and looked around the room as if searching for something.

“Well, you weren’t exactly trying”, Yutaka huffed.

Shou looked over to the door. Yutaka wondered if he considered leaving.

“I just keep thinking.” Shou gestured over to the door vaguely. “I keep thinking that once I make myself vulnerable, your friends will jump out of a corner and you’ll all have a laugh at me. Or that you will make me do stuff and then tell everyone at school on Monday like: Haha, I’m so hot, I even got this freak to blow me, haha.”

His expression looked grim again and Yutaka remembered that he had always found that expression intimidating on him, but now he realized it meant that Shou was scared. His whole act of shutting out people was just there to keep him safe.

Yutaka wondered what to tell him. He figured that Shou would not be convinced by sweet words and soothing promises.

Yutaka sighed gravely and then crawled onto the middle of the bed, pulling up his legs and making himself comfortable not too close to Shou. His position signalized that for now he had given up on trying to kiss him.

“In the last year of middle school”, he said. “I was dating this girl, Yukari. But then she broke up with me. And I was really heart-broken. Seriously, I was just crying in my room for days. And then I decided to go check on her. I went to her house and tried to get a look through her window, but I fell over and broke my arm. The next day in school, I told everyone that I got hit by a car, so I wouldn’t look like a fool. The ironic part is that Yukari took pity in in me and took me back. I broke up with her a week later, because I knew she’d figure out sooner or later that I was a loser and I was scared of looking stupid for getting dumped again by the same girl. She got really mad at me and everyone started acting like I was some kind of player and I talked shit like I was. But really, I was just crying in my room for days again. Use that as leverage. I stalked my ex and did it so stupidly that I broke my arm. You can go and tell that story to everyone, if I treat you badly. It will destroy my reputation in an instant.”

Shou looked at him for another moment. It was clearly not what he had expected Yutaka to say.

“You are an idiot”, he finally observed.

Yutaka grinned at him. He had never told this story to anyone. Even Jun and Kenji thought he had gotten hit by a car once.

“I am, but let’s keep it between ourselves. Now, are we good?”

Shou bit his lower lip shortly, then he nodded. After another moment of consideration, he took off his glasses, folded them and put them aside. Then he stripped off his jacket, putting it together neatly as well. The white button-down shirt of the school uniform had short sleeves and Yutaka was surprised to notice that Shou had quite a nice biceps. He had never really paid attention to it before.

Somehow, Shou’s calm, controlled motions made him nervous. Yutaka swallowed.

Shou turned towards him, pulling his legs onto the bed as well and crawling towards him.

His eyes looked small without the glasses, too. They were very dark.

Once he reached Yutaka, he would surely stop and wait for Yutaka to kiss him. Maybe, he’d even put his lips against Yutaka’s and then wait for him to do the rest. That was how Yutaka was used to doing it.

Shou reached him. He put his hand onto Yutaka’s neck. He pulled him close, not gently but rather violent. He kissed him on the lips hard.

Yutaka had not expected the kiss to come with so much force. He had expected they would take things slow, but Shou’s lips were demanding him to part his own. He wasn’t hesitant and their kiss turned sloppy and wet, full of tongues and teeth fast.

Yutaka tried to catch his breath, but Shou didn’t really leave him time for it. Without breaking the kiss, his hands went onto Yutaka’s shoulders and he pushed him down onto the bed. Shou’s grip was firm and it made Yutaka feel weirdly weak and submissive. He let himself sink back into the pillows, Shou getting on top of him, but their bodies hardly touching. Yutaka had the feeling that Shou was trying to keep this distance on purpose. His arm was against Yutaka’s shoulder still, though, and his weight held him down.

Yutaka wondered if girls felt like that when guys kissed them. (Though he had always been a lot gentler than Shou was with him right now.) He felt like he wasn’t trying to solve a challenge for once, like he didn’t have to say and do just the right thing to get what he wanted, but like he could entrust himself to Shou. It felt surprisingly easy to give up on being in charge. Yutaka had always assumed he was supposed to be in charge of everything, but just not thinking about it at all felt good and the way Shou pressed down on him made his heart flutter.

He wasn’t worrying if he was allowed to touch Shou, if Shou would pull away, if he took it too far. Shou gave off the impression like he wanted it – at least – as much as Yutaka and he had the feeling that it was impossible to … well, to do something wrong. Yutaka had never felt like that with another person before.

He reached up, placing his hands on Shou’s shoulders, running them down his body. His body felt different from a female body, harder, edgier. He wasn’t exactly buff, but beneath the softness, Yutaka could sense that he was quite stout anyway. It felt exciting. Different from anything that had excited him before, but exciting nonetheless.

His hands reached the hem of Shou’s shirt, slipping in underneath and running up again. His skin was warm and now Yutaka could clearly feel the muscles shift underneath as Shou tried to keep his own weight off Yutaka’s body. His awkwardness seemed to have disappeared completely, or maybe it was still there, just that Yutaka suddenly found it quite sexy.

Shou stopped kissing him now, straightening somewhat and jerking up Yutaka’s shirt violently. Since Yutaka was lying on his back, he couldn’t strip it off like that, but the fabric went up to his nipples, that suddenly felt cold.

Shou lowered his head again and started placing kisses on Yutaka’s breastbone, licking his skin as he went further down his ribcage. Yutaka reached down to entangle his hands in Shou’s hair. He never dared to really grab it with girls, scared he’d hurt them or that they would get offended for Yutaka ruining their hairdo. But he just assumed that Shou wouldn’t mind, because Yutaka in his place wouldn’t have minded.

Shou shifted his weight to bend down more and his crotch pressed against Yutaka’s thigh. Through the pants, he could feel clearly how hard Shou was. That was new. Yutaka sucked in a loud breath, surprised at how pleasant it felt.

Shou shot up into a sitting position immediately.

“I’m sorry”, he said hastily, his cheeks red and his hair tousled from Yutaka’s hands. “I didn’t mean to … I know you are just trying.”

“No, no”, Yutaka soothed him. “I actually …” He hesitated. “I actually like this?”

It came out sounding like a question, because he was quite surprised by it himself.

“So, you mean it doesn’t feel that different from being with a woman?”, Shou assured.

Yutaka snorted, just because it did feel different.

He sat up as well, reaching out for Shou. He took him by the arm and pulled him back onto the bed.

“No”, he said and kissed Shou. Their kiss was slower this time.

Yutaka rolled over, so that now he was the one on top of Shou. He brought up his leg to press his thigh against Shou’s crotch again. The sensation of his erection caused Yutaka’s own dick to throb.

“I mean, I like this”, he clarified.

Shou moaned as Yutaka started to move against him, adding pressure as he rubbed him through his pants.

Shou turned his head to the side, squinting his eyes until they became perfect crescents. His lips were slightly apart, glistening with saliva. His teeth were showing every now and then when he let out an especially loud moan. His voice was deep and raspy, but every so often he hit a higher note that gave Yutaka goose-bumps. He could have watched Shou’s face like that for hours.

Yutaka brought his lips closer to Shou’s ear. He had cute ears, somehow pointy in the wrong places. Yutaka had never seen them before, only now that his hair was ruffled and messy, did he get a good look at them.

“I wonder if I could make you cum in your pants like this”, he teased.

He would never have dared to say that to a girl – partly, because he assumed girls didn’t like that kind of thing, and partly, because in spite of his usual attitude, he would probably have been too shy to do so. But Shou seemed a big fan of sexual jokes, so Yutaka figured he wouldn’t be taken aback by a bit of dirty language.

Shou gasped and reached up to dig his fingers into Yutaka’s shoulder.

“You most certainly could”, he pressed out. “But I’d ask you not to. It gets so sticky.”

Unintentionally, Yutaka imagined Shou’s creamy, white sperm and how it would actually be quite nice to get it on his hands instead or just maybe his tongue.

He pulled back from Shou and inhaled very, very deeply. The situation was getting a little out of hand. He hadn’t expected to feel things so violently.

He let himself fall onto his back next to Shou.

“I think I need a break”, he announced.

“Yeah”, Shou confirmed and Yutaka wasn’t sure if he needed a break, too, or if he agreed that Yutaka seemed to need one, or if he just wanted to express that he was okay with taking a break in general.

Yutaka was leaning against Shou to indicate that they weren’t done yet, but that they should slow it down a little. With girls, it rarely happened so fast. And Yutaka had been sure about girls for much longer already.

Shou put his hand onto Yutaka’s chest. Yutaka cupped it with his own and held it. Shou did not pull back.

Yutaka was surprised that Shou had obviously relaxed next to him. He was less tense than he had been all day.

“I have a question”, Yutaka announced.

Shou sighed, but it did not really sound annoyed.

“Yes”, he said. “I’m gay, guys exclusively. I figured out when I was about 12 years old, although I was very insecure about it for about another two years. By now I’m sure, though, I’m not interested in girls at all. I never dated anyone so far. My family doesn’t know. I wouldn’t mind telling my friends, but as you surely know, I don’t really have friends. I always felt separated from other people, but I think it’s a matter of personality rather than of me hiding my sexuality. I didn’t mean to keep it secret, it just kind of happened. Sometimes, I think life was easier before I figured it out, but all in all, I’m pretty much at terms with myself. Those are the things you wanted to know, aren’t they?”

Yutaka turned to look at him in surprise. Shou’s expression was open for a change. His features looked soft and vulnerable. That probably meant he wasn’t scared right now.

“I did want to know those things”, Yutaka confirmed. Those were the things he had wanted to ask at the café, but had been sure that Shou wouldn’t answer them. “But it’s not what I wanted to ask right now.”

“So?”, Shou asked calmly.

“What do we do on White Day?”

Shou stayed silent for a moment.

“What?”, he finally asked.

“I mean, on Valentine’s Day the girls make presents. On White Day the guys. You gave me chocolates today. But we are both guys. I’m a little confused on the matter. Does that mean I will get you something on White Day? Or will you get me something again? Do we both get something for each other? Or do we skip White Day and only do one of these days? How does it work between guys?”

“Ah”, Shou exhaled and propped himself up on his elbow to look down on Yutaka. His expression was serious. “It’s easy. We just have to agree on whom of us is the girl in the relationship.”

Yutaka wanted to reply to this, but then he squinted his eyes.

“Wait”, he said. “None of us is a girl. That’s the whole point. You are making fun of me again.”

“Oh, baby”, Shou exclaimed and beamed at him. His teeth were showing and wrinkles appeared at the weirdest places on his face. Yutaka thought that he had never seen anything quite as beautiful as a happy Shou. “You are getting better at this.”

Shou leaned in and placed a short kiss on Yutaka’s lips. Yutaka felt like a dog that had just received a treat after performing a trick, but he couldn’t say that he minded.

“Seriously, though”, Shou added and stopped smiling. He moved his hand that was still holding Yutaka’s, but he didn’t let go. “I mean, I gave you the chocolates for a reason, but I didn’t expect it to happen so suddenly. I panicked quite a bit when you caught me. Things are happening very fast and I don’t know how they will turn out. I’d rather you don’t make plans for something so far in the future. White Day is still a whole month off. Don’t talk like we’ll be together then. I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Yutaka thought of soothing him, but by now he had learned that Shou wasn’t one to appreciate empty talk. He stayed silent and Shou lay down again, putting his head against Yutaka’s shoulder.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t want to try”, he said quietly. “But … let us try with smaller steps.”

“Alright”, Yutaka said and leaned his cheek against the top of Shou’s big head. “In that case, what are you doing tomorrow?”

#Golden Bomber #Kiryuuin Shou #Kyan Yutaka #kirikyan #fanfiction #fanfic

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