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anonymoushotsexyperson · 6 months ago

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Thinking a lot about how the inevitability of death is not talked about.

I know you got attention span issues pookie bear so I split this post into sections and you can read whatever your most into if you can't do the whole thing ^_^

SECTION 1 my first encounters with the idea of dying.

I wish I could literally hug John Green for writing the fault in our stars. People can say it's sappy or whatever but it is one of the only mainstream forms of media that successfully acknowledges the inevitability of death and the lack of control we have over it. Though it took a lot more than TFIOS to wake me up to the conversation of dying.

The first time I realized death was a thing I can remember so vividly. I was at least 4 years old, I forgot how the whole conversation went but I remember my dad saying

"well honey everyone has to die one day."

"even you and mom?"

"even me and mom."

He said it so casually while folding laundry in the kitchen not knowing my world view had just completely shattered 😀. I went into our shared bedroom ( I didn't have my own yet because POOR) and cried on my parents bed. I don't know what happened after that. I think I just shoved death into my back pocket and kept it pushing because it was too hard to really grasp at that age. It still is now, but it especially was then.

Section 2 Being someone aware of your mortality and not being able to cope with it.

I think about death a lot now, it's been a reoccurring visitor in my brain since covid. It surprises me that the average Joe doesn't think about death all the time considering the current climate of our world. Im not gonna lie i've developed a bit of thanatophobia (death anxiety). This is because I have always dug myself out of my depressive episodes using knowledge and through that knowledge, understanding my relationship to the world helped me fall involve with living in it. The idea that one day this experience will end and regardless of what you believe whether it's in heaven or reincarnation or whatever we really don't know what's coming next or if there is a next. I don't think i'd necessarily be too keen with an afterlife as well as the idea that an afterlife doesn't exist. Both seem pretty ass, because if there's an after life cool but like what happens after that? You telling me i'm just here for ALL ETERNITY NIGGA? But also the concept of just dying and thats just... it? Kinda stupid and DUMB if you ask me. I think what im really looking for here is control.

Section 3 Does no one talk about death because of capitalism?

Apart of me believes that this thing where people around me tend to avoid the conversation of death or respond like an npc when I do get them to speak about it is due to western cultures obsession with capitalism and power. Because if you contemplate your existence and how both big and small it is, all this capitalism shit becomes kind of extremely fictitious and ridiculous. Like yeah maybe people just don't talk about it because its SCARY but also what if it's so scary because we done talk about it and because we are wasting our lives as wage slaves and in some areas of the world, literal slaves. Also this makes me think a lot about how religions are used as a weapon of conservatism instead of respected as a philosophical and metaphysical analysis of the human experience. There is honestly so many examples of religion-especially religions associated with colonialism-being used to control people. This can be seen and interpreted many ways and most if not all of the most obvious interpretations probably ring true. But what i'm really attempting to segue into here is that religion is uses as a weapon by the powerful in all sorts of ways but the idea that it is used to keep us from pondering death instead of exploring what it's like is something ive been thinking about a lot. You can argue some religious folks specifically follow religion to relieve death anxiety and its always been that way but I think that it now exists on a dissociative level.

Also, the ignorant American I am, I couldn't tell you the part about western civilization playing a big role is from an informed experience it's more so a studious guess. I don't really know what the vibes in other countries are like when it comes to dying I have not gained enough international knowledge and experience yet. So thats where you come in reader. YES you. What do you think?

QOTD: why do you think the conversation around death and the inevitability of it is so hush hush? Where do you believe we 'go' after and how does that make you feel? If you are apart of a non western civilization do you see a cultural difference in our experiences?

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ursachaotic · 4 months ago

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Ok this might be a little weird and I want to tell this to you anonymously because I don't want to make you feel pressured into answering ^^' (let it be known I am a mutual of yours & I know we don't talk but I think you're really cool <:) Your genuine love for Gravity Falls and you excitement about The Book of Bill is kind of. Helping me rekindle old love for the franchise. I stopped interacting with it more or less involuntarily (bad experience with bad people) and felt bad that I can't get into it but honestly your interest did help me rediscover it, or at least start to do so. Like I've picked up my old Journal 3 a couple times this week, I thought about re-watching the show, I bookmarked the cheapest "to be released" listings for TBOB in the online shops in my country, I have the thisisnotawebsitedotcom bookmarked too. I've been picking up my hand-made-from-a-towel Bill plush and just looking at him. Thinking about trying to find his hat and make him a new bow because I took them off when it was just too awful to perceive.

I hope this isn't weird. I genuinely don't mean to be weird or trigger your anxiety or anything, I mean it. Your love for this show and everything around it is helping me a bit to rediscover my own, which is great, because as someone with interest in folklore, the paranormal and cryptids, GF was an amazing thing to discover. I myself made a grown up version of Dipper, who's a full-on cryptid hunter and wrote a lot of stories about him, later turning that concept into my own thing because it was too painful to keep but I loved all of the creatures I made and the lore and stuff. So I just took my ideas and moved it into my own thing, which is currently my most developed universe with my most beloved ocs.

This is lengthy. Sorry. Again, I genuinely don't want to creep you out, just, I'm glad I found you and your art and your comic and that you're so excited about your interests. Please know that you are never bad or annoying for loving what you love, please continue being so passionate about things, because it's really cool. You're cool. I hope you know that ^^ and, well, if not, I'm telling you. You're cool and your work is amazing.

(If you would prefer me to pm you feel free to post about it here or your personal? blog, whichever you're cool with, I'll probably see it and can just pm you with like "haha yeah I'm the long rekindled-interest anon" or you can answer this or just read & delete, I really don't mind if you don't want to answer ^^. Just, wanted to say this. Again I hope this isn't weird ;w; I swear I'm just a little adhd guy who used to love GF a lot, and possibly might be okay enough to start interacting with it on his own. And your love for the franchise helped.)

Hi this made me tear up (iN A GOOD WAY I PROMISE AHSDOFISADH I CRY WHEN I'M HAPPY LOL), this is seriously so, so sweet. Thank you so much for sending me this!! 🥹 I'm really glad that all of my silly Gravity Falls stuff has helped you get back into the show, and I hope you enjoy it and enjoy the Book of Bill if you get it!

Also, this seriously means a lot to me, especially because I'm actually really self-conscious about my interests and passions haha. I'm terrified of being seen as annoying, and there's been a lot of times recently where I've shut down out of the fear of being annoying about my interests. But I'm starting to not give a shit about whether or not people find me annoying online?? I want to be super vocal about something I adore so damn much cause it makes me happy! I've also been burnt out on drawing for a WHILE, but reading this book has given me so much inspiration, and drawing feels really fun and exciting again for the first time in a while! I struggle with depression a lot too, but my love for Bill and excitement about what's to come for the series has helped me feel really happy and kept me going for the first time in a bit. So, while I'm still scared of being perceived as annoying, I'm really happy right now and I want to keep doing stuff that makes me happy, even if that's just drawing Bill antagonizing me / my sona lmao. Seriously, thank you so much for sending me this! It's incredibly sweet and I'm really grateful that you did ;w;

Also you can absolutely reach out over DMs!! I would love to talk, but I hope you're having a wonderful day!! 🥹❤️

#asks #anon #I LEGITIMATELY TEARED UP YOU'RE SO SWEET THANK YEW AHHHH #I'M GRATEFUL THAT YOU ENJOY ME YELLING ABOUT THIS SILLY TRIANGLE MAN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH #on a silly note i think i love bill so much because he became my favorite character during a really shitty time in my life???#i remember having a panic attack at one point and turning on sock opera and seeing bill made me feel okay again #and i dealt with bad depression but seeing new gf stuff helped me to keep going #anyway hi i love gravity falls so very much and will try to be unapologetic about how much i love bill and this show lol

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toxicpineapple · 2 years ago

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v3 scar headcanons

pondering the orb that is the v3 cast and scars. this is obviously going to be triggering though for a multitude of reasons so i’m gonna slap a big ol abuse/self harm/torture trigger warning on here and then drop everything below the cut. proceed with an abundance of caution :3

shuichi saihara i’m probably far from the only person who headcanons shuichi as having had a history of self harm. i think a lot of people really reduce and water down shuichi’s character to “guy with anxiety and depression” but it’s a very longstanding and personal headcanon to me. i think he has largely gotten over it by the time he attends hope’s peak, but still has the occasional relapse. scars mostly on the inner thigh and wrists.

hoshi ryoma ryoma, i don’t believe has much of a history of personal injury (and injuries he likely got in tennis mostly didn’t leave any scars) but i think he has old scars from cat scratches and bites over the years. also some nicks across his arms and abdomen from various scuffs in prison, mostly onesided; ryoma’s not the kind of guy who fights back, not really.

gonta gokuhara this dude grew up in the woods so you know he’s got all kinds of gnarly scars on his torso and legs. claw marks, bite marks, maybe something on his head from a particularly sharp rock. they’re his reminders of his time growing up with his forest family and i think while gonta doesn’t necessarily experience much of a feeling of “pride” around them, he isn’t ashamed of them either.

kiibo robot. skip

korekiyo shinguuji korekiyo is an abuse victim. i am reasonably confident about this stance. i think on the whole the abuse that korekiyo faced from his sister was psychological or coercive, mostly because his sister was bedridden, but i could see him having a scar or two from that time. what really would’ve stuck with this dude physically is his wack ass backstory-- this guy has undergone some crazy shit for his research, including torture which i won’t get into for obvious reasons, but like. yeah that’s gonna leave a mark. i also am of the opinion that the bandages on his arms cover scars that he created himself, not as a form of self harm but rather for like, blood sacrifice for rituals and stuff? but i did indeed borrow that hc from my brother soo.

kaito momota i think kaito has scars all over his knuckles from splitting them during fights. i don’t think he’s the violent hard hitter the fandom characterises him as, but i do think kaito struggles to articulate his anger, and that can turn into lashing out. especially if someone is being unreasonable or cruel to someone he cares about. so, scars on his knuckles. he might have other scars from similar fights, but kaito strikes me as the kind of guy to go in fists blazing, he definitely doesn’t fight with weapons if he can avoid it. the only other notable scar i hc him as having is a thin scar on his temple from the car crash that killed his parents when he was eight.

kokichi ouma so i’m actually one of the few people who doesn’t necessarily hc that kokichi grew up in an orphanage, i like the hc and i do use it from time to time but i read kokichi as a foster care kid. going from houses where he either had to bodily escape punishment or cause trouble just to get a bit of attention. dice being other members of the system/kids who were also as forgotten and unloved. all this to say i do find it extremely plausible that kokichi could’ve had some extent of physical abuse in his past from particularly rough homes-- and as such has some scars from that time. other scars he received through Shenanigans.

rantaro amami rantaro travels a lot, and talks about all his wack ass adventures and near-death experiences-- not to mention that it is canon in utdp that he will sometimes return home with a concealed injury. as such i think rantaro is pretty scarred up like gonta, primarily around the torso/abdomen area, but he has a few assorted scars on his legs, and a bunch of marks on his hands. my friend jim and i share the hc that he has scars that encircle both of his wrists from a kidnapping incident when he was eleven.

kaede akamatsu bit more of a normal one, palate cleanser, kaede lived a relatively mellow life. any scars she has are probably just from skinned knees and stuff-- EXCEPT for a large scar on her knee from a bike accident as a kid. ouch girl.

angie yonaga angie comes from an island where blood donation is a pretty common practice, so she probably has a few marks on her arms from the procedure. given that i don’t know much else about polynesian culture and angie’s writing is pretty disrespectful as is, i think it’s probably better if i just leave it there as far as any scars she could have gotten in a ritualistic sense. i will say that angie spaces out when she does art, so she might have some scars from accidents caused while working-- she does work with a chisel after all.

miu iruma given that miu was in a car accident that put her in a coma, she probably has a fair amount of scarring all over her body. abrasions, and also burn scars aren’t out of the question. miu is a pretty reckless inventor too so hard to believe she wouldn’t have picked up a nick or two working on her silly little things.

tsumugi shirogane tsumugi sews, but needle pinpricks don’t really leave scarring as long as ur not going fucking crazy with it. i think the vast majority of tsumugi’s injuries would come in from her time working as a bartender. broken glass is pretty nasty, and people probably would’ve gotten into at least the occasional fight. maybe a little scratch on her cheek from a conflict that didn’t get defused before things started flying. tsumugi wishes her scars were cooler, but they are, as she is, quite plain.

himiko yumeno she has an appendix scar on her tummy and a few on her knees from tripping. pretty normal life though.

tenko chabashira hey why don’t we ever talk about the fact that tenko is literally a vigilante? i think that’s a pretty relevant detail of her character that nobody talks about. she’s probably witnessed a bunch of violent crime, and from a very young age, too... i think tenko has probably gathered her fair share of scars, largely on her hands, but some on her shoulders, face, and legs. she’s tough though! she looks on her scars with pride, memories of the times she’s been able to keep girls safe.

kirumi toujou as a competent maid, occasions where kirumi actually gets injured in her work are pretty rare. she’s an overworker though, so i think she might’ve pushed herself far enough to cut herself a few times while cooking. on the more dangerous side of her work, i definitely think kirumi is the type of person to endanger herself in the name of her duty, so scars from various murder attempts-- knife, gun, whatever-- are definitely not out of the question. maybe even a knife wound on the back... but kirumi walked it off. she is a maid, after all.

maki harukawa the obvious answer here is that maki is scarred all over and honestly FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK drs for pretending like that’s not true. in her training to become an assassin maki was tortured repeatedly, using a variety of methods, in order to toughen her skin and make it so that she could withstand great pain. i have a hard time believing there is a lot of maki’s body that isn’t scarred. aside from the scars from her training, i’m sure maki has also collected a fair amount of scarring from missions and such. oh girl.

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kawaii-butt-crust-core · 1 year ago

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Rise of the TMNT headcanons because I feel uhhhsodk emotions or something

Warnings: anxiety , gore mention, trauma/PTSD mentions, kidnapping, yelling mentions, claustrophobia mention, if I missed any please lmk ‼️‼️

Donatello ( my favorite hands fucking down )

LOVES "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" and relates to Dennis wayyy too much

( also made a joke about how splinter is frank and he was actually cool with it )

Likes those HYPERBOP and songs like that

At 5am and raph is waking up for the day and he finds Donnie in his room fully awake

"Ive been up for 3 days everything is haunted everybody's evi-"

He also likes twentyone pilots

House of gold, taking my time on my ride, and car radio are his favorites

Actually hates monster ( like the drink ) but he has a can in his room from 2020 that he just poured out for decoration

( honestly I can't even really hate on it I think 2020 just ruined it LMAO )

Has no blankets. Sleeps with a single sheet and a unwashed unsheeted pillow.

Is one of those people that people mistake for way older

Yokai thinks he's at least 18-20 and get so freaked out finding out he's actually just 14

( he loves the attention )

He actually likes HOMESTUCK 😭

( this is based on my friend who likes Homestuck and they remind me of Donatello to some degree )

Has a fan that hasn't had a break since 2016

Maybe longer

Has seasonal depression

He likes to be with April or doing something during the winter because of it to distract himself

April and raph are good with helping him

Leo knows but he knows to just stay out of his way and leave him the fuck alone

And Mikey hasn't really been told because Donnie feels like he's burdening people with his problems ( he didn't even want Leo to know but he just caught on )

He even feels guilty for dragging April and raph into it

Him and Mikey LOVE LOVE LOVED spiderverse

( Donnie got the movie illegally before it even came out )

This mother fucker definitely fell to his knees for spider punk im so sorry

This same mother fucker also probably loved Danganronpa...

He doesn't really like southpark but some episodes get to him

LOVES GHOSTFACE

TO ANOTHER LEVEL

NO ONE CAN LOVE GHOSTFACE AS MUCH AS HIM

Actually probably has purple injected into his veins

"yeah my veins bruise in the blink of an eye and I can't move my body sometimes but so what? It was worth it??"

hates on dream so hard....

DONT HUG ME IM SCARED AKWNWJJF

ALL OF THE BOYS WATCHED IT ( maybe not raph tho actually )

He actually made discord ( idk if I'm even joking or not )

Would this be a good time to add a picture of what I think human Donnie would look like?

Uhhh yeah

Yeah I think so

Ok next

Leonardooooooooo

Just fyi this shit is gonna be so angsty

It will dip I promise

He can't get enough of those "drake the type" memes

But also low-key he is drake

Has a hello kitty clock in his room that actually works for him

He was that annoying ass kid who would say "I can scream like a girl" and then scream to the top of their fucking lungs

The ADHD was tooo muuchhh

So he just basically climbs walls who cares

He's on the ceiling? What's new.

Ok so spieerpunk had don to his knees but Leo was all for Miguel

" NOOOO MY SPIDER PAPIIIII- " *splinter right fucking there*

Daddy issues just crawling out of all of their skin ANYWAYS

Can't draw for shit but loves art

The way he words things makes him sound like a complete gaslighter but he's just stupid

"?? I don't gaslight?? HUH no seriously what did I do?"

The Mario movie possessed him for a while tbh

DIP!

even hours after him returning from the prison realm he was dissociating so bad he was crying to feel something

Just a few weeks later, he isn't better yet by any means he's just ok enough to function

Someone dropped a plate or something ( I probably need to rewatch the scene before I make headcanons for it LMAO ) or dropped a pot, something loud

And he practically went down with it

He fell to the floor and stayed there for a bit

He didn't cry or say anything

Then Mikey tapped his shoulder and he fucking SNAPPED

He will never forgive himself

🫶🏼

The CRUCIAL NIGHTMARESS

*rubs my hands in evilness*

He could feel the same AIR as the prison realm at times

He smelt the same scent

Raph, draxum, and Casey had to sleep in the same room for a while so they would hear him

But sometimes he didn't loudly jerk himself awake

Sometimes it played through and he woke up and didn't make a peep

Sometimes they knew and sometimes they didn't

Most of the time one of them would just wake up because of instinct and see him just frozen

Can't handle gore now

He used to but can't anymore

It reminds him of 1

The kraang

And 2

Seeing his brothers eye all fucked up like that was too much

There were times he didn't even know who he was anymore

He was scared to leave his room for a while and felt such bad guilt for it

While they're out on a mission and Leo's just curled up in his room blowing up raphs phone

Raph wishes he could say something like "oh how the tables have turned" but this isn't what he wanted at all

Uhh ok sudden switch up

HE LOVES BO BURNHAMMMM

Him and Don and Mikey listen to Will Wood

SHAYFER JAMES TOO

JUST THOSE TYPES OF ARTIST

Mixed with late 90s to early 2000s

"erm.... what da flip ;-; NO STFU IM JUST KIDDING STOP BULLYING ME ITS A JOKE-"

Him if he was a hummmaannn

+ maybe some scars on his back

Raphael

Blind in his one eye and low-key has bad eyesight in his other one

He can still see decently but it's pretty much fucked

He likes squishmellows but he knows Mikey LOVES them so if he buys/ finds one, he'll give it to Mikey

He's more of a "childhood stuff animal nostalgia" anyways

Doesn't like to cuss but if he's REALLY scared, he'll let a loud and quick "FUCK -" slip out of his mouth

Or if he's angry hell mumble "this bitch-" or something like that

He feels like he's not doing enough as a brother but genuinely forgets that he needs to take care of himself

Not physically but more so emotionally

He beats himself up when making a mistake even if it was out of kindness

He doesn't think things all the way through and just immediately jumps to "I wanna help people!"

And ends up making a bigger mess so he feels like a bad person

( people have reassured him he's not but he plays back how people get mad at him when he messes up and he doesn't know how to forgive himself if someone got THAT mad at him )

He sometimes just gets this burst of love and just hugs one of his siblings or friends

I think he doesn't develop feelings easily ( infact it's kinda hard for him to, not in a bad way )but one time there was a yokai, about his size, and they really enjoyed each other

He didn't tell anyone but he got her number and they still talk and he might have small feelings for her

The reason he hates being alone because it's a PTSD thing ( that only got worse after the kraang thing )

( he was alone and in danger for most of the movie, the only reason he wasn't freaking out because he knew if he did he was fucked )

And he got possessed before he could even lose his shit

But basically I think he got kidnapped by a hunter and held him captive ( either chained, or in a cage ) for 2 days before splinter found him

( yes they searched for him for 2 days )

The hunter would shoot his gun next to the cage ( or restraints ) he was in to purposely mess with him

And if he cried he would get in his face and start yelling until raph forced himself to stop crying because of fear

It was traumatic

Splinter has his own trauma from losing his fucking kid for 2 days, but it still fucks with raph badly

He still remembers it so vividly that it feels like it had only happened a week ago

So add that in top of the kraang doing what they did to him.....

He was only holding it together for Leo tbh

He can't go to certain areas or he'll start to hear the hunter yelling in his face again, like a hallucination

It's gotten a little bit better over time but the kraang set him so far back

He was also already claustrophobic, but if anyone tries to hold him down now he just immediately throws them off

And hard

Anything that really reminds him too much of the past he just starts freaking out

So he doesn't like to be alone :)

I could do a separate post for this maybe

But moving on

Any early 2000s song from anyone or any 2000 themed song is his SHIT

They did a karaoke night and he did Brittany spears ( yes I know that's like late 90s but yk THAT CATEGORY )

He put on a blonde wig tho and was actually kinda feeling it at some point

He LOVES walking around at night

Just strolling

He loves food. He eats everything

There is nothing he won't eat

He just loves everything

I forgot his scar sadly but here 😔‼️💔

( the nose piercing is fake he's too scared to get one HELP )

Mikey:

This lil shit STEALS

HE USES HIS INNOCENCE TO HIS ADVANTAGE

And I sleeps fine at night with all of it in his room.

ADVENTURE TIMEEE

he loves cartoons

Adult cartoons, children cartoons

If it's animated he wants it injected into his spinal fluid

His music taste is everything

But he really likes indie / indie rock songs

Has all of his art and drawings hung up on his walls

There's maybe one or.two posters he actually bought the rest is his art

Loves spiderverse but he couldn't even enjoy it because he kept looking at Leo crazy with this out of pocket comments

"I wanna pick him up like a baby lion and wash him and feed him milk and release him back into the wild"

"*deadpan* Leo. What the actual hell."

Draxums favorite. Only Mikey knows he's his favorite. If anyone asks drax who his favorite is he says he hates everyone equally and looks over at Mikey

Speaking of drax I think they're vent buddies

Drax vents to him Mikey vents to drax

Drax was very helpful with all of them during the time they were all fucked up from kraang

He even got them into therapy but I'm gonna make a draxum section because I love him ( I lied he's my favorite character, then Donnie)

( God I love drax and Mikey so much let me go on a rant rq )

Apart of draxs training he could definitely pass as a licensed therapist

So if really anyone has some sort of mental thing going on he's there

Even for Leo ( even tho Leo didn't really want his help, that quickly changed tho, again I'll just put this in his section✨ )

But Mikey has these really bad panic attacks that even his brothers don't know about

Only splinter and drax

Splinter is there to comfort him and drax is there to let him talk about it

Mikey doesn't want his brothers to know because he's technically the "therapist" so splinter and drax will never tell anyone

Watched MSA just to make fun of it

Also says cringe shit because he thinks it's funny like Leo

"GYATTTTT....... Y'all know I'm joking right-"

Loves Lilo and stitch

Has an art Instagram with over 1000 followers

LOVES SPICY FOOD

He ate the spiciest chip and then asked for another

Loves spooky month

Fought leo for that damn hello kitty clock

Then stole it

" I'm in your walls :3"

He ate a like 2 handfuls of orbeez when he was 5 before splinter caught him

HUMAN

Draxum:

MY ACTUAL FAVORITE FUCKING CHARACTER AAAAAAAAA

YES I absolutely believe he could qualify as a therapist and he absolutely uses that to his advantage

Leo was still "ish" about draxum but he became a lot more appreciative of him during the times that raph and Casey couldn't be there ( like missions )

He even took time out of work to be there

If he called? He's already almost there

He absolutely a mom IDC he even has the messy mom bun

Mikey calls him dad and that's part of the reason he's his favorite

"honey, it was ruined when she bought it *snaps*" ( I'm sorry ) ( I have to draw this now)

LOVESS BLANKETS

Like all the blankets

The resting bitch face is so real

He has to be leaping for joy happy to maintain a happy face

Goes to Donnies room and tells him to lay his ass down ( he doesnt )

Sends millennial memes to the boys....

*insert a cat smashing on a piano* he's wheezing.

Him and Mikey paint together sometimes

Because he can actually paint super fucking good

Scars all around his body

HUMAN FORMMM

Thats all ill probably make more for April and Casey and splinter

#tmnt #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja tutles #rottmnt head canons #headcanons #rise donnie #rise leo #rise raph #rise mikey #baron draxum

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hiddenmoonbeam · 1 year ago

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yesterday's comphet awards made me think about how i've known for like 10 years that i'm more into women than men, so this isn't the same but either case i clearly needed to write this down so:

i'm 31, almost 32 now, and i've never had a relationship or anything that comes with that. i'm queer, and i live in one of the safest countries for people like us. but i don't know how gay girls find each other. when i finally worked up the courage to try dating apps shortly before the pandemic hit i only had girls as an option because guys felt too scary. i've tried several times. but living in sweden clearly doesn't mean it's easy anyway, at least not when it's in the north because there are so few i keep swiping through everyone until there's no more available. and then you barely match with anyone, and when you do no one speaks first, and when you do talk she stops responding... and the few dates i have been on didn't lead anywhere, because of course it takes time to find the right one, and being on the ace spectrum is so confusing because i don't know if i just need to give it more time but i guess if we don't even bond as friends it's probably not going to change later either...

anyway, so frustration has twice made me add men on tinder as well. because maybe i just need to give them a chance too right? and there are sooo many, so many, jesus, with only girls i had like... "5 people liked you" and within minutes of having guys too there were 99+

so i swipe and i try I TRY ALRIGHT but. men. are so. so uninteresting. i feel nothing. but i don't feel super much about random women either, sure women are generally prettier, it's much easier for me to think a woman is hot than a man, but still, maybe it's the demi thing, maybe i would feel more with time, i have had feelings for guys before so??? (and some specific fictional men are so fine, so maybe, right??)

yeah so. this year (after several overwhelming chats with different guys and one awkward date with one i definitely didn't want to meet again) i ended up forcing myself to date a guy the entire summer. he was nice, and also inexperienced and slow, and he knew i was unsure but i still felt like such an asshole. because in truth i wanted to go home whenever we met. i cried before and after. but i didn't know if it was because i was scared in general because everything was new and i have shit self-esteem and being demi is so difficult when i want so much and i was so worried i'd end it too soon and lose the chance i had + depression and anxiety flared up so bad because of all this so like. everything was shit.

like, in hindsight it's so obvious it wasn't right. it made me spiral deeper into depression again. but i can't really regret it either because maybe i needed this to realize some things, and now at least i've done more than 2 dates with the same person, i've talked with someone about (lack of) experience and how we feel, i've had someone interested in me who wanted more if i'd wanted it too. i've felt excited at the possibility of being kissed, even asked for it finally just to know, and yeah it was just a small peck and it was boring and barely counts tbh but it was something and now i've done that. and i've also had the very weird experience of a guy sitting close with his arm around me and gently brushing his fingers over my arm, and asking if the closeness turned me on... and while it was okay and nice, like he wasn't creepy or anything, i still felt nothing. so while well aware that yeah he was definitely feeling things, i truthfully said "no". which was probably an important experience to have also, to have done that, and to have met a guy who didn't make me feel unsafe about or because of it. because that's another thing, thinking that maybe my hesitations about men was only a fear of ending up with a bad one. and maybe that still plays a part, but also.... god i'm so clearly more gay than bi.

and i think i really did know that already, yet i did all of this anyway, forced myself to try. because finding a girlfriend had proven so fucking difficult, maybe i simply did have to be less picky and more open about men also.

idk how to end this, i don't have a well-thought-out point to make, and i dunno if anyone will even read all this but i'll post it for myself anyway. and just in case someone who ends up reading it feels similar, maybe you're in your 20s or later and feel like everyone else gets to experience romance and sex while you're left behind... well. maybe it doesn't help, but you're not alone. and i'm not alone either, even though it feels like it. just wanted to say that <3

also next time i get tinder im back to only girls.

#the “i want a girlfriend but don't know how to find her so i guess i'll try liking men instead” experience #and #the “i'm gay and demi and dating strangers is horrible” experience #if anyone reads all this 😘#but feel free to ignore it too #it's very personal but maybe it could help someone else feel less alone #LMAO ACCIDENTALLY POSTED WITHOUT NOTICING oh well

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straightmenforgarrothromeave · 2 years ago

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minecraft diaries inside out au. stay tuned for the explanations (they’re below)

aphmau as joy:

aphmau, in sort of an obvious choice, was given joy. this is because i imagine she's a very optimistic person, often seen smiling, and because of her naiveté and general oblivion to the worse things in the world she has a very positive outlook on the way she interacts with people and situations. overall, very cheery! i think it fits her very well :)

dante as sadness:

dante was an interesting one, honestly probably my biggest struggle - but only because i couldn't decide if he'd make a better sadness or fear. in the end, i think sadness works best for him: through everything, i don't think dante was ever able to properly settle. i think he's more lonely, quiet, keeps to himself - in such, manages to isolate himself a lot and further contribute to his overall depressing vibe as a character. he always just seemed sadder, hence - sadness. (side note: fear was considered because of dante's constant fear of losing everything once again. it's one of the reasons he's never content, he can't be - something can come and destroy it all.)

garroth as fear:

oh man. garroth got fear for quite a lot of things. originally, he was also up for grabs for sadness, but... eh. didn't fit him as well. garroth represents fear because he's in a constant state of worry and paranoia. he's always afraid SOMETHING is going to happen, something is going to hurt the people he loves, something is going to prevent him from protecting those he holds dear. that, and he's incredibly fearful of being himself - he's a gay man in the medieval era, i don't blame him. there's just always something plaguing his mind and creating that worry. he's also very cautious, which is something that joy (in the actual movie) mentions in fear's introduction: fear makes sure riley stays safe. and i think that's a wonderful reflection of garroth. also! he suffers from anxiety in general, this creates a lot of fearful situations in his head and he ends up scaring himself 97% of the time.

laurance as anger:

ok right off the bat. come on. shadow knight shit when laurance is REALLY angery? come on. laurance was actually the second match-up after aphmau and joy, it seeming to be just the most obvious. after becoming a shadow knight, laurance mentioned how he was losing his temper easier and growing more impatient. we see a lot of anger issues develop with laurance as mcd progresses, so i thought that him representing anger would be perfect. i also can't quite see him as any of the other emotions, so win :)

katelyn as disgust:

ehh. yeah ok. doesn’t fit as well as any of the other ones - this one’s definitely the weakest link. i didn’t have much ground for this one, but i couldn’t see any other (main cast) crew as disgust, including zane - yeah zane doesn’t work. he’s disgust in my mystreet rendition though! but not here. quite a few people brought up how it could work with katelyn though, in the sense of her being disgusted with herself due to the work she has to do, disgusted with zane, so on and so forth. take it as you will!

that’s the most of it yeah. and since i mentioned it, here’s the mystreet rendition:

garroth (joy), aaron (sadness), travis (fear), katelyn (anger), zane (disgust).

definitely some quirks needing to be worked out there but whatcha gonna do. we win these

(ALSO I KNOWWW THE PROPORTIONS ARE A LITTLE WEIRD. still in old art territory)

#aphmau #garroth ro’meave #laurance zvahl #minecraft diaries #aphmau katelyn #aphmau dante

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crashdevlin · 1 year ago

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Losses and Gains 6- Reunited

Author’s Note: This is the sixth chapter of Losses and Gains, the second part of To Have it All. This is Something More...from Jensen's side!

Summary: Jensen gets Y/n back in his trailer, and back in his arms, but does that mean everything's going to be okay?

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, background Reader x Tom Hiddleston

Word count: 4378

Story Warnings: open marriage, mentions of depression and heartbreak, bad things, alcohol as a crutch, anger, fighting, divorce, anxiety, panic attack

~~~

“She’s okay.” That’s all Jared had to say after he got back from lunch with Y/n on Sunday. I raised my eyebrows at him and silently demanded more information. “What?”

“That’s all? She’s okay? That’s all you have to say?”

“That’s all I feel comfortable sharing.”

I scoffed and shook my head at him. “What the fuck, dude? She’s not okay! We talked about this yesterday!”

“She’s okay enough…and even if I was willing to share, you don’t want to know what she told me.”

“Of course, I-”

Jared shook his head and patted my shoulder. “No. Listen, I talked things out with her. If things are the way she says they are, then it’s a simple fix. If it’s worse than that, then she knows what she needs to do. It’s going to be okay, either way.”

“You’re really not gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s not mine to tell. If you want to know, then make friends with her again, and maybe she’ll be okay to tell you eventually.”

I rolled my eyes and let it go. He wouldn’t tell me, so I moved on. “I don’t think I could be friends with her again. I love her, man. I don’t think I’d be able to ignore that.”

“Yeah. I understand that. You gonna be able to work with her?”

It was a valid question and I wasn’t sure of the answer, even as I responded, “Yeah, of course.”

When I got back to Vancouver, I knew I had to put on a brave face. I had to act like I had everything together…which was really fucking hard when the writers sent me the script for the episode Y/n did Second Unit shooting for a couple weeks before.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." I was in awe. I couldn’t even be mad about it because I was shocked…and a little bit excited that I was gonna get to kiss Y/n again, even if it was gonna be in front of a dozen people on set.

"Not just kissing, Ackles. This is a real sex scene. You haven’t done one of these since the Born Again episode." Jared flipped through the pages and sighed. "This is bad. This is gonna set you back weeks and-"

"Are you kidding me? I'm a professional, Jared. I think I can draw the line between-"

"Who do you think you're talking to right now?" He tossed the pages on the coffee table and pointed at the fresh beer in my hand. "That's your second beer and it's not even 10am and you're at work. You're a consummate professional." I set the beer next to the script and started to tell him to shut up but he kept going. "I know that you're excited about this and you're happy to pantomime getting her back in your arms but you have to end that shit right now. You have to approach this like a sex scene with any other actor, completely detached and looking out for their emotional welfare. She's gonna be in agony over this."

That took me aback for a minute. "Agony?"

"First off, this is gonna be her first sex scene…and it's with an ex. Not just any ex, but the one she can't tell people is an ex. So she has no one but me and Tom to complain to. Beyond that, she's still in love with you and she remembers exactly how you really are in the sack and she's probably missing that about now and she can't have it because she's with the gentleman bastard. And you think you should come in and act like everything is good?"

"Since when have I been acting like everything is good?" I snapped. "Like you said, it's not even 10 and I'm on my second beer. I'm not expecting everything to be magically better since Tara and Dean are gonna fuck, but maybe, just maybe Y/n will talk to me since we have to work together. Maybe we can start making things better. And in the very least, I get to kiss her again. I get to hold her again. I get to feel just a bit like things are going to be okay…and that’s all I want."

“Dude, detach. Things are not going to be better. Not now, not in a few months. You need to act like everything is over because it is. Move on. Don’t make this harder for her than it already is.”

Why was it about her and not me? Why did I have to tippy-toe around her emotions when I was feeling shit, too? Why did I have to fucking detach?!

I seethed a bit as Jared left, knowing that he was ultimately right, but still hating to hear it. I needed to be calm and cold and not show how I was feeling. It was better that way. It was better for both of us.

So when she knocked on my trailer door and came in, looking shaky and nervous, I locked my emotions away as best I could and welcomed her back.

“Did you get Wednesday’s pages?” she asked, looking around the trailer.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

She leaned against my counter, careful to keep her eyes anywhere but my face. “So, how, uh…how do we-”

“We follow the script,” I interrupted. “Just like every other scene we’ve ever done. You’ll be Tara and I’m gonna be Dean and they’re gonna share a messy first kiss and then Dean is gonna fuck Tara on one of the tables in the Men of Letter Library and then I’ll come back here and you’ll probably go back to your hotel and call up your boyfriend.”

Well, cold and detached didn’t last long.

Her eyes glistened as she looked up at me and she started to say my name but I cut her off again. “Y/n, look, I know this probably isn’t any easier for you than it is for me, but I…I really fuckin’ miss you and the fact that you are standing right there in front of me and I can’t-” I convinced myself to shut up, reminding myself that my emotions were not important in this moment. “At least he treats you well. That grand declaration of love on Facebook…something I could never do.”

“I didn’t want him to,” she asserted weakly. “I told him not to do that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, that’s fuckin’ nice. The man ignores simple requests.”

“Come on, Jay, don’t be-”

I put my hand up, a finger raised to get her quiet. “Don’t call me that. We’re just coworkers now. I’m fighting calling you ‘Baby Girl’ so you’re gonna respect my efforts and call me ‘Jensen’.”

Fuck, I didn’t mean to make her cry. I didn’t mean to snap like that. “Jensen, please. You can’t tell me that you don’t understand,” she begged.

“I understand. I understand just fine.” And I did. I completely understood exactly how I managed to get to that moment in time. “But it doesn’t make any of it hurt less. It doesn’t matter that you saw the end of my marriage rapidly approaching because I couldn’t get you out of my head and you distanced yourself for my family’s good. It doesn’t matter that Tom capitalized on that distance the moment you created it.”

I don’t know what came over me, just trying to get the honesty out, maybe. Maybe I was just trying to rail against Jared’s decree about detachment. “What matters is that I haven’t talked to you in months, but I still pick up my phone to call you after we wrap every night. What matters is that you left that bottle of your perfume in the bathroom and I can’t bring myself to throw it away because the pillows on your side of the bed don’t smell right if they don’t smell like CK Eternity. What matters is that I’m so in love with you that it hurts and you saw that, saw how I feel, and you left so that I wouldn’t fuck up my life over you…”

I could see the pain in her eyes as I reached out to cup her cheek. “All of that just makes me love you more.”

She closed her eyes but she didn’t move away. She leaned just a little closer. “You can’t,” she whispered.

I pulled her closer to me, hand on the back of her neck. “Shit, that doesn’t change a thing. Baby Girl, your protests don’t change a goddamn thing.”

She gave a full-body shiver but then she pulled away. It was like she didn’t really want to pull away but she felt like she had to, so I put my hand on her hip and pulled her back again. Gently, not aggressively, not in a bad way, just in a ‘please don’t leave me’ kinda way. Her eyes snapped open and she looked me dead in mine as she pushed me away just enough to get her point across. “Jensen…I can’t. I’m not that woman.”

I knew exactly what she meant. She couldn’t cheat on Tom…and she didn’t want to hurt me, either. So I let her go and stepped away from her. “I know. It’s part of why I love you. You’re too damn good for me. But you’re also too good for fuckin’ Loki.”

She wiped her tears away and shrugged, sniffling. “I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of people on Twitter who seem to think I’m not good enough for him…if the death threats are any indication. I mean, Tom’s got some rabid fans…but I’m sure they’re not as bad as our fans would be if they found out-”

“That Danneel is divorcing me?” I finished…even though I know that’s not what she was planning to say. I couldn’t help but laugh at the shock and confusion on her face. I picked up my warm beer from earlier in the day and took a drink. “Yeah. It’s not official, but Gino said she’s talking to lawyers.”

“No!” she shouted and slammed her fist down on the counter. My eyebrows went up as she grabbed her wrist. “No, you have to fix it! I did not walk away so that you could still fuck it up!” Seriously?! She’s blaming it all on me? “You love her! You love her and you love your kids and you just have to get over this stupid other feeling-”

“My feelings are stupid, now?” I demanded, offended to my bones but somehow…excited to be having an honest conversation with her about everything.

“That feeling is! You feeling like you think you’re in love with me is stupid! You…” She looked lost and frustrated as she threw her hands in the air. “Go to counseling! Go see a fucking shrink! Go fucking fix it! Fix! It!” she demanded.

“We fucking were! We’ve spent months talking to a shrink. Ever since you left, we’ve been trying. It hasn’t worked!”

“Try harder!” She scoffed at me and I could see it. She wasn’t mad at me. She was regretting it. She was regretting leaving because it didn’t stop the end that she was trying to stop. “Three months isn’t enough! Between the show and the cons and everything, it’s not enough time. Try to-”

“I don’t want to!” I admitted, tossing my beer at the floor. I didn’t want to drink anymore. The desire was fucking gone in that moment. I just wanted Y/n. “I’m tired of trying to not love you. I tried! I really did. Everyone told me to stop and I tried but I’m fucking exhausted and I can’t fuckin’ do it. It fucked my family, but I can’t stop how I feel.”

Everything stopped. We were both breathing heavy. My heart was pounding, I’m sure hers was too. But neither of us moved for a few moments. We just stared at each other, shoes and legs covered in beer…and something in the air said this was one of those pivotal moments. This was a moment where literally everything could change if we let it.

Finally, she broke the moment. “Fuck, Jay,” she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand and looking away from me.

“I know…” I started, but I bit my bottom lip to give myself a minute to think. I had one chance. I had one opportunity to make this work. “I know that you’re with Tom. I know he loves you. I’ve spent…months wanting you to not love him, but I saw you on Colbert and you looked so happy, but when you talk to Jared…”

She stepped closer to me, regret etched across her face, and she wrapped me in a hug. “I’m so sorry, Jay.”

I wrapped my arms around her, excited that she initiated the embrace. “You got nothing to be sorry for, Baby Girl.”

“No. I do. If I’d never come here, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Everything would-”

“No, no, hey. Never say that. If you hadn’t come here, you’d be in a worse-”

“I’d be depressed, but you wouldn’t be. It’d just be me sad and you’d still be happily-”

I kissed her before she could finish that thought. She was regretting everything, which meant she was regretting Tom. She was back in my arms. It seemed like the right way to move forward. It seemed like the best way to get both of us happy. Her hands went to my hair. Mine went to the back of her thighs. I hauled her up so her legs wrapped around my waist and I held her close as we kissed. My hands roamed her body as I walked her to the bedroom. It was almost like I was on autopilot. She was making these breathy little noises and she was grabbing at me and it was like things were the way they used to be.

We found the bed and dropped to it, still kissing. I wasn’t going to waste any opportunity, and I was gonna go as far as she’d let me…and as fast as possible before she realized we might be making a mistake. I didn’t want either of us to focus on the mistake. I wanted to focus on the way her skin tasted, the way she whimpered when I started inching my hand up under her shirt, and the feel of her lace bra under my fingertips. God, and I wanted to feel the matching lace underwear I knew she was hiding in her jeans, but she stopped me as soon as I went to unzip them. I can’t even lie and say I wasn’t disappointed at her cockblocking, but I understood.

“I’m sorry. I swear I’m not trying to be a tease, Jay, but I can’t.”

“I get it. You don’t wanna do to Tom what Nate did to you.” I rolled off of her, staring at the ceiling and willing the discomfort in my pants to go away. More than that, I was willing for this to be the start of a new chapter of us. I had her back. She was literally lying in my arms. She was nestling in close to me. As long as she didn’t go back to Tom, everything was going to be okay.

“I’m sorry that everything is so messy,” she whispered, half into my chest.

I kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay. I can handle it. I can handle any mess, as long as I’ve got you.”

She hugged me a little bit tighter and sighed, the adrenaline falling and exhaustion taking over.

As long as I had her…

~~~

My trailer door opened about fifteen minutes later and I slowly extracted myself from Y/n’s embrace. She looked so peaceful and I was happy that I could get up without waking her. The bedroom door opened up and Jared’s eyes zipped from me to Y/n. I didn’t want him waking her up, either, so I put a finger to my lips and pointed toward the living room. He took the hint and I followed him, closing the door as softly as possible and turning to him.

“What did you do?” he whispered, pointing at the door.

“Nothing! I didn’t do anything!”

“Bullshit! What the fuck, Ackles?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t give me that. She came here of her own accord, she talked to me of her own accord. I tried the detached and cold thing but it didn’t fucking work.”

“And how’d she end up in your fucking bed?”

“We didn’t do anything. She’s not a cheater.”

“That doesn’t answer the damn question. How did she-”

“It just happened. We were talking and we both admitted to some regrets. I told her that Dee was divorcing me. She said she never wanted to cause anybody any harm and…we kissed and we ended up in the bedroom but nothing happened and she fell asleep, okay?”

“It’s asking for fucking trouble.”

“Jesus, Padalecki, Danneel’s already leaving me. What more trouble could she give me?”

“She could take everything. She could take the house, the kids, the brewery; she could take your good fuckin’ clubs, Jensen, just for spite.”

“She can have ‘em!” I snapped in a whisper before processing all of what he said. “Well, not the kids, but anything else she wants to use against me? She can have it. I lost Y/n once already. I’m not letting it happen again.”

He sighed. “What about Tom?” I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to respond with a well-thought-out “Fuck Tom” but Jared continued. “Hey, we may not like the guy, but she has a boyfriend.”

“And that’s the only reason why she’s still got clothes on right now; because she wanted it just as much as me, dude, and as soon as she breaks up with him and it’s not cheating anymore, I’m gonna make her scream and I do not give a damn who hears it.”

“You idiot. Danneel hasn’t even filed yet. You can’t start fucking another woman when she hasn’t filed, because then she can list infidelity as the reason for filing.”

“You say that like I give a fuck about the money. I don’t.”

“You should,” Y/n said as she stepped out of the bedroom.

I smiled at her, hoping she’d smile back, but she didn’t. “Hey, Baby Girl. How was your nap?”

“You should care about the money, Jay. Because even if she doesn’t hit you for everything, the judge is probably going to-”

I shook my head. Already back to worrying about me. “You don’t need to worry about any-”

“Jensen, of the three of us in this room, only one of us has been through a divorce. I have specific, sad expertise about this, so let me help you see things correctly.” Jared smirked as she walked over to the fridge a grabbed a bottle of water. “She’s gonna get a shitload of child support out of you, whether she asks for it or not. The judge is just going to give it to her, for the kids’ benefit. I mean, you’ve got three young children, two of whom are still in diapers. You’ve gotta pay for daycare, private school, the nanny, it’s going to be a lot. If she wants, Danneel can definitely come at you for alimony, since she hasn’t done much acting since One Tree Hill, except the Harold and Kumar movies, but I can’t really imagine that those made bank for anyone except John Cho, Kal Penn, and NPH-” She stopped her lesson to take a drink of water from the bottle she pulled out of the fridge and cleared her throat. “If she files with infidelity as the reason, the judge is going to hand her your life on a silver platter.”

“I feel like she’s gonna do that anyway. I mean, she’s leaving because I couldn’t stop loving you.”

“That was different. The old agreement wasn’t infidelity. You had her express permission to have a relationship with me. Hell, she apparently suggested me, and if you’ve still got the phone you had in January of last year, then you’ve got proof of that. I did a screen recording of the Skype call between me and Danneel.”

I pulled my phone out and looked at it, a bit shocked. “No shit?”

She nodded and opened up my videos folder. “Yeah. I figured that if the media found out, it’d be a good idea to have proof that I wasn’t a homewrecker.”

I bit my bottom lip as I watched the beginning of the conversation that led into it all. “You thought of doing this in the few seconds after I handed my phone over to you?” I asked, looking over at her.

“My dad taught me to cover my ass. As soon as I knew we weren’t doing anything wrong, I wanted to have some sort of proof that it wasn’t a bad thing. Back then, it wasn’t infidelity, but anything we do now…it would be, because that relationship is over. I left, she withdrew her permissions…and then there’s Tom.”

“Tom’s a dick,” Jared said, obviously pulling on the knowledge he didn’t feel he needed to share with me.

“No, he’s not,” she disputed, running her hand from her forehead backward. “He’s a good man and he was so fucking worried that he was going to lose me and that’s why he was so controlling and-”

“Controlling?” My eyes went wide. I knew it. I knew that there was something wrong there. I schooled my expression into something serious. “Tom’s controlling?”

She looked down at her feet and bit her lip. “It doesn’t matter.”

Yes, it fuckin’ did. It definitely mattered. “It does fucking matter, Y/n. What did he do?”

“Tom thinks she belongs to him,” Jared said, and Y/n flinched. He didn’t think to tell me that before all this?! He didn’t think I should know? She wasn’t fucking happy and he made it seem like I was making it up because I didn’t want her happy and that was fucking horrible.

“No, I talked to him about it. It wasn’t that big of deal anymore. He stopped.” She looked down at her phone and sighed. “I will tell you about it later, okay? Right now, we need to get to work.” She started to walk out.

The way she turned suddenly so cold and was still defending him, it worried me. “You are gonna dump him, right?”

She threw her hands up in the air and shook her head. Her voice took on a high-pitched sound as she shouted, “I don’t fucking know! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what the right thing is here!”

I smiled and reached for her, attempting to calm her down and soothe her. “Y/n/n, you just need to-”

“No, shut up!” she cut me off and I could see the panic welling up in her eyes. “Don’t tell me to calm down. Don’t tell me that everything is going to be fine, because nothing feels fine right now!” She started tugging lightly at her hair and looked at the ceiling. “You’re getting divorced, Jensen. Your beautiful and amazing family is going to be broken in half a-and that’s not fine, and Tom told the world about me and him and if I break up with him for my not-even-divorced-yet coworker, what kind of whore am I? What kind of bitch am I?”

I hadn’t even processed my shock over the way she was talking about herself before Jared had rushed over to her. “You’re having a panic attack, aren’t you?” He put his hand on her shoulder. “Do you have any PRN anxiety meds?”

“No. I haven’t needed them. I…I can’t breathe,” she rushed to say as she sat on the steps of the trailer and Jared followed. “I can’t breathe.”

“Hey, Jensen, go tell Rich that Y/n and I are gonna be late,” Jared demanded.

My jaw dropped a little as I debated staying and trying to help. But as Jared rubbed his hand up and down her spine, I knew that I was part of the problem. She needed someone who could help her calm down, and it wasn’t me in that moment, so I left.

I took a moment to calm down myself before heading to the set and cleared my throat as I approached Rich at the director’s chair. “Hey, uh, we’re gonna be runnin’ a little behind. Maybe we should switch some scenes around or something, ‘cause Y/n is having a bit of a panic attack and she’s not going to be able to-”

Rich’s eyes went wide. “Shit, is she okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, Jared's in my trailer with her and he’s talking her down, but it’s gonna put us off schedule. I know that we’ll make it work and we won’t make a big deal about it.”

"Of course not, but she's going to be okay, though, right?"

"Yeah. Definitely. She just needs a little time to breathe."

Rich nodded and sighed. "We'll wait for her. It's a Tara-heavy episode so we can't do much without her. But, hey, at least you two aren't fighting anymore."

My eyebrows came together and I cocked my head to the side a bit. "What do you mean? We weren't fighting."

He scoffed and grinned up at me. "Come on, man. I may not be a genius but I have eyes. Your little breakup was killing the con scene." I opened my mouth to argue, my brain telling me to keep to the rules despite the fact that the rules weren't going to matter much longer, but he reached out and patted my shoulder as he walked toward the set. "When you lost your con cooch to Hiddleston, everything went sour. I'm glad you guys are getting over that. Tomorrow would be very awkward otherwise."

I chuckled and watched him sit in his director's chair. Con cooch. At least he hadn't put it all together. He didn't know we were in love…and I’m sure he didn’t know we were going to end up together for real.

#cassie writes stuff #spn rpf #jensen x reader #tom hiddleston x reader #alchol abuse #divorce

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marcelinesghost13 · 3 months ago

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Okay blog definitely got a lot of stuff to talk about I got to get it out of my head.

Well we're going to start off with my dad first. So I had to go see a lawyer today to get guardianship of him. Definitely got some answers about how that process works and what's going to happen with it. He's definitely in need of it simply just because of him being so sick right now. It's definitely going to cost a pretty penny something that I don't have any money for but I'm going to have to figure out a way to make that happen. He definitely needs someone to take care of him and make sure that he's okay cuz he's not well at all.

Then on top of that he's in the rehab center right now and he's driving everybody crazy including me. He will call me up to six times a day and we'll have the same conversation. I really sucks seeing my dad like this he was an absolutely brilliant man and now he's just kind of not all there anymore and it's just kind of sad to see him like that. I know he's going to be at this place till he probably passes away because his health is just complete fucking shit. That's totally sucks also and I hate seeing him so sick. Plus he's not eating at all lately and that makes me really fucking nervous. But I have been calling him once a day or at least visiting him when I can which makes this day you know that much better which makes me happy.

As far as my wife goes she had a complete fucking anxiety meltdown today. She let me know that she absolutely hates me today. Through a couple punches when we were in the car and broke some stuff in the car too unfortunately. She's beyond angry and pissed off simply because of me going through this transition that I'm going through. She thinks it's a betrayal of trust. Because I never told her about it till now. And the reason why I never told her is simply because I was afraid I was going to get this reaction. She's very old school and believes that men should be men and women should be women and the whole trans thing is just a bunch of bullshit. She thinks I'm basically playing games with her and I'm not I'm just becoming who I need to be who I want to be. But she feels like I've completely abandoned her and that I've never been around. Hearing those words really do hurt cuz I've done everything and anything I can do to make sure that she's okay and safe. She does have abandonment issues in a couple other mental conditions which I've talked about before. I can see her getting sicker and sicker and she doesn't see it though. Her skin has been this really weird white color and you can see your veins now. A lot of things trigger her lately just everything and anything. And I'm trying to do as much as I can possibly do to make sure that she's okay. I don't hate her like she thinks I do but she definitely let me know today that she does hate me. She's told me that before though hearing those words they hurt but I know she's not right in the head and that's why she says what she says.

As far as me going I am just moving along doing what I need to do in order to keep my two loved ones you know okay and safe. I'm honestly beyond exhausted. I've been trying to find a therapist but I haven't been able to find one yet. I definitely think that is something that would help me. But I'm not too sure how. Hopefully at some point I'll figure something out. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts lately either which is a good thing. Usually after a really big fight with my wife I get massively depressed and sometimes become suicidal. But that hasn't happened so that's a good thing. All I can do is keep moving forward and try to stay as positive as possible especially since things are so negative right now. Yeah just keep moving forward.

082920241536

#my blog #blogger #blogging #blogs #blog #goth blog #goth trans girl #transgender pride #transgender

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our-queerplatonic-experience · 4 months ago

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hii sorry if this is too venty or depressing or whatever but i really need help

ive been in a qpr with my partner nagisa for like 3 months (weve been friends before that for a few years) and i love him so much ive never wanted anyone in my life more than him. but i am deathly afraid of being a bad partner, and i am even more afraid of him leaving me for someone else even though i know thats not realistic.

he asked one of our ex friends if he could complain to them about something in private and for the rest of the day i felt anxious and sick and guilty like i just killed someone. i cut this friend off mainly because i was so jealous and spiteful (didnt say that tho i feel guilty) (also he was a really shitty person and made me really uncomfortable but it was mainly cuz i was jealous)

whenever im not talking to him my brain shouts to me that im ignoring him and im a horrible cold monster who just has him as a battery to feed my sick desires or whatever the hell that thing tells me at night. whenever i talk to him too much my brain shouts that i look desperate and clingy and i am annoying him hes probably sleeping! but it hurts less than feeling cold. so thats why i try to text him as much as possible. it almost feels like a compulsion, that im not actually texting him because i care and im talking to him so i personally dont feel like shit (ok that made me feel awful to type out but Fuck whatever)

i am not a bad person i really love my partner ive never loved anyone more than him hes the only person i really connect with on a deep level anymore and i think we genuinely have some sort of spiritual bond because of how often we share the same emotions and think the same thoughts at the same time. but i dont really believe in spirituality shit so whatever

he actually has the same issue (but seems to have figured it out better than me) with me and my friend, and it actually made me hate myself so much i have stopped talking to that friend because i dont want him to feel any percent of what i do. when he isn’t there to talk to me i feel alone and abandonded and like my arms have been cut off and like im living without a 3rd dimension. i feel like a normal person when im with him. he is the only thing keeping me sane. i would drop all my friends if he wanted me to

whenever im not talking to him i feel like im neglecting a bird in a cage even though i know he doesn’t need me that much

whats funny is that i dont worry about being a bad person in any other aspect of my life i literally do not give a fuck whether im a bad person because i always justify everything i do in my mind and i cant find a single bad thing ive done. other than the intentionally bad shit i did, of course, i did that stuff to kinda.. give myself something to feel bad for and so i dont feel like im fully a perfect person? hard to put into words

so yeah i guess you get the point! i really need some sort of advice. ive told him this but not really the full extent behind it, just the jealousy and vague mentions of the fear of being bad. i am worried that my anxiety of being a bad partner is leading me to be a bad partner

damn... okay i don't know a lot about this but it sounds like you might be developing a codependency. you should definitely communicate all of this to your partner so you can work together to lessen your anxiety. you also should probably go to therapy but i don't know if that is accessible to you right now. i'm sorry i don't have much else to say but hopefully someone in the replies can also help

#our-queerplatonic-experience #asks #vent #cw vent

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heresiae · 1 year ago

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Another episode of "How fucked up is my brain?"

Today was a very good day, weatherly speaking.

Unfortunately, this neuro divergent ass couldn't enjoy it BECAUSE she's in a deep pit of depression that she realized only quite recently and it's still halfway in the denial stage because, even if she realized that, she hasn't call her therapist yet.

Yes, this ass could be a little dumb sometimes.

Coming back on why she didn't enjoy her Sunday: her depression literally forbid her to do any work for my job Thursday and Friday. TOO BAD she has two deadlines for Monday the 6th (and she thought that the 6th was Tuesday. Sad realization of the Friday night). Of course she thought she could spring a 3 day work on 8 hours (yes, we can; more or less) BUT, thanks to the sad realization of Friday night, that wasn't feasible anymore.

SO, she decided: OK! I will work both days in the weekend!

Of course, Saturday nothing happened. She binge watched Criminal Minds (yes, WE KNOW) till 1AM, because that's how deep in the pit she is.

Today she woke up at noon (as per usual for the weekends) and while procrastinating in bed she came up with the chant "today's the day we make anxiety go away" (yes, it's basic, but hey! whatever works!).

That's because the more I procrastinate the more my Anxiety grow stronger and THAT'S NOT SOMETHING SHE NEEDS.

Result: she was able to do the work of 2 days in less than 8hrs for the first project (yeah, she always quote more time because it's what you do, don't you ever quote real time it takes for you to do shit or you'll never have a breather at work). Too bad she has now a sheet FULL of questions that she could have the answer Thursday already and the project can't be completed without them.

And now it's time for her second project... which she's not sure what task she has to do. According to her calendar, she did a call two weeks ago about one of them but she doesn't remember shit (not surprising since it's been two weeks of ONLY CALLS and she HATED every minute of them). The other one she remember, but not what they said to do in the meeting. So she will now do the second one because it has the biggest probabilities to be the one and tomorrow, she will ask a coworker to review it.

Thank you for following another episode of "How fuck up is my brain?"

#neurodivergent life #neurodivergency #autism #adhd #chronicles of a stressed ux designer

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night-market-if · 2 years ago

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This probably isn't the sort of platform for it but what are your thoughts of pirating in general? The recent events in the IF community have me thinking about where the line is drawn. Indie developers, yeah it's a really shitty thing to do to a small or one person team but big companies? I never really saw piracy as a bad thing in of itself. If this question is inappropriate or uncomfortable for you to answer feel free to delete it

I don't mind talking about it.

I have a bit of mixed feelings on it all but in the end, no, I don't like it and I don't really condone it. Even when it comes to big box titles and companies. EA comes to mind. LOL! Here's the thing. Indie developers are just a no go all together for me. I don't like it because a lot of these people are trying to make their way in life, get their foot in the door, etc. For me personally, it goes towards feeding my kids, making sure they are clothed, and paying off medical debt. When you see a developer making money, it may seem like a lot. But most of the time, it really isn't in the grand scheme of it all. So no, I have no respect for people that take from indie developers. And I know the entire mantra is "well those people were never going to pay for it anyway." You're right. They weren't. But, it doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean I have to support it. A mutual I knew made a good point. "Oh, you were probably going to be mugged anyway. So why don't I be the one to do it." or "Oh, you were going to fail at your job anyway. So why don't I help that along." It's an odd justification they are using and one that I just morally don't stand behind in most everything I do. I think we have kind of forgotten as a society that just because everyone is doing something or it was going to happen anyway, doesn't mean we should contribute to the problem. I mean, isn't that why we are all in the state we are in now within our own countries? Pirating an IF of course doesn't have that weight what so ever. But, it is a bit of a moral point for me personally. You don't just get to pick and choose what things you want to be morally grey on and then get mad at others when they are morally grey on something you adamantly oppose.

Now, when it comes to big box titles, I get the appeal. I get the idea of the companies are greedy and what not. But, I still don't do it. Because here's the thing, you aren't hurting the company when you take from them. They don't give two shits about you or what you are doing. Why? Because they will just fire people to make up for the costs. You are hurting those people far more than you are hurting the company. So, again, there is kind of a hole in your justification. And if you like something, you should just support it. Period. You can't support it because you live paycheck to paycheck? Hi. Hello. That's been my life for about a decade. The financial strain I have gone through, while trying to feed young children, has been terrifying. You know what the funny thing is though? When its something you actually want and not just an effort to distract yourself from your life or your depression or anxiety or whatever else is happening to you, you do manage to find a way to pay for it. It just isn't instant gratification.

And that's what it comes down to, pirating is instant gratification. Instant gratification is a problem within our society. Now, anyone reading this who does pirate or makes mods, they don't fucking care what I have to say. They are still going to do it. That is completely right. But here's the thing. I can still report you. I can still find out who you are. And just as you are mocking all of us in your discord, I can mock you here. Goes two ways, and the way I've been seeing it from their little conversations? They are obsessing over this far more than the IF community is. We are just being proactive and making their life more difficult. Sorry if that offends you but maybe you should just accept that it's going to happen anyway. :)

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shinra-makonoid · 9 months ago

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I read those replies about risks of HRT, and it's interesting how one of those studies says "we actually need to study this more", but that person drew a conclusion that "HRT is definitely causing this".

It is annoying. Cofounding factors are a real tricky bit in regards to studies and that person just... Imagine they can know more of them than researchers.

It's in the notes of this post:

Even I kinda go rough when I say "yeah T raises risk for CVD" considering that, as the study says, trans men are smoking more, exercising less, having more anxiety etc than the general population. And despite the rising risks for CVD, mortality stays the same.

I agree there is still a lot we don't know about HRT, I agree we should research it more. Better yet, design specific meds for us to have that are perfectly attuned to our needs. For example, now I'm at almost a full vial of T every four weeks, (0.9ml out of 1ml, it decreased with my weight), so I don't throw away that much. But at one point I was at 0.5ml every two weeks, meaning I was throwing away half a vial every two weeks, aka a complete vial every month. It was crushing me because there are shortage of those meds and I hate throwing away stuff. Had there been a specific med tailored to specific trans needs, that wouldn't have happened.

But to claim that, because the specific med wasn't approved for, specifically, trans people it means it's dangerous and that we shouldn't use it.... Is just false. We have no evidence of that, we have even less evidence that it would outweigh the benefits. That person is just taking a stance that every med used off label should just have a 30 years cohort of test to decide whether it should be used, independently of whether the people who use it really need it or not. Which, even if it were to happen, would probably not even let pharmaceutical companies take the steps to actually make a med for us because we don't bring them enough money for it.

Doctors are also not usually just morons playing with molecules, they engage their responsibility using those meds and therefore make sure it's used well, they are experts in those domains. In my country at least, if you're not an endocrinologist, a gynecologist or a few other specific specialties dealing with hormones, you can't prescribe HRT. It does mean that yes, blood tests every 6 months are important, but like, if something really bad was happening to my body, we'd know. That's also how we realized that I had a fatty liver, which led me to eat better, which led me to have healthier habits in regards to food. So like... I guess T saved my liver in my case, as it has absolutely 0 symptoms before it's too late (the liver is a stealth bastard).

And again, I could go on and on about antidepressants and antipsychotics. I wouldn't advise anyone to stop them or anything, I think sometimes they outweigh the risks, but I personally had disastrous side effects from antipsychotics (taken to treat depression and anxiety, which is not even for that normally so yeah talk about off label I think that's a bigger issue, but i was at a mental hospital and pressured to take them and all) which led to hypothyroidism and prolactin level issues for me. Those side effects are studied and known to belong to antipsychotics, and little do you know when I stopped (after suffering from massive insomnias and bad feelings, it was a real shit med for me) it vanished.

I don't understand why HRT is the main issue when it's about such a tiny number of people, hasn't shown any bad metabolic side effects (except maybe like raising bad cholesterol but it doesn't mean much, it can still very much be in normal range, i still have normal range for ex), and hasn't had any evidence of shortening lives so far. If it ever changes, then I'll change my opinion, but I really don't think we'll find in ten years that T caused people to die, every expert on the issue argues that it's probably safe.

I think it's saner to argue that, even if you have no issue whatsoever, it's important to exercise, eat well, socialize, and avoid drinking and smoking. That advice is for every single person and it will save lives, way more than stopping T will ever do.

#anon #ask

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jowrites · 6 months ago

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When the Dahlia sings Her Song - 7. Breakfast pains.

TW: Mentions of death, physical abuse, mental illness, depression, anxiety, parental death, verbal abuse, mute disorder, mentions of sex, some smut(in future), cursing

Strangers to Lovers. Lee Heeseung x F!OC(I like giving names).

Masterlist Here. Prev. Next. Jo's Masterlist Here.

taglist: @enhabooks

Heesung didn’t know how he found himself in this situation but here he was sitting upstairs, in a family room type, on the sofa with a cup of water in his hands. The room was very comfortable, cozy. The sofa was a nice emerald green and it felt very velvety. He doesn’t know what happened but after his panic attack, Kai took him upstairs and just placed him on this couch and gave him water. It’s been about 10 minutes and he hasn’t seen anyone.

“Okay, loverboy, uhm…you’re taller than me so I don’t know how these will fit,” Jake came in from one of the side rooms with some clothes in hand. He doesn’t even remember Jake ever coming upstairs.

“I-I have clothes in my car, it’s okay. Thanks,” Heeseung said.

“Oh, that’s even better. I honestly hate when people take my clothes,” Jake said, leaving him alone again.

Kai came down from the 3rd story then, she looked to be in her own set of Pajamas, they were lilac shorts and a lilac tank top. Her perky nipples were sticking out and Heeseung had to mentally slap himself from keeping his mind going to his dick. She sat next to him and began to write on her pad.

Do you feel better?

“Yeah, thank you.”

You are free to stay here for the night, we got another room prepped upstairs for you.

“Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Are you really okay?

He looked into her eyes and stared, he felt compelled to just tell her everything on his mind. He didn’t want a trauma dump though.

“I’ll be fine, I just have a lot going on.”

Okay, I won’t intrude. Let’s go to bed.

“Bed with you?”

She chuckled to herself and shook her head, taking his hand and getting up and leading him up the 3rd flight of stairs. She led him down another hallway and into another room that looked just like your average hotel room, with a bathroom to the side and everything. There was a small kitchenette on the side so he wondered if this used to be a small apartment.

“This is my room?”

She nodded.

“Uhm thank you.”

She gave him a small hug and bowed slightly, a nice goodnight before leaving him alone. He quickly ran out the door and saw her walking towards the 4th flight of stairs.

“Kai! Uhm, goodnight.”

She stopped and waved, giving him a small smile and going about her way. When he went back to the room, he threw himself on the bed and slumber found him right away. He has always had a hard time sleeping, but this time, he fell asleep and had the best sleep of his life.

***********

Heeseung was an early riser. He normally woke up around 4:30, went to the gym, showered, ate breakfast, then went to the office. This time, he did not do that. When he woke up, he woke up to the smell of cinnamon rolls, something he grew used to as it seemed to be Gyuri’s favorite hobby. He quickly woke up and saw that it was 9:15 am. Oh shit! He quickly got up and opened the door wondering where everyone was. He went to the room where Jay was and noticed Jay was not there but Sunghoon was still asleep. He made his way down the hall again to the family room where he heard voices down another hall. Was this place a maze or something?

The hall wasn’t long and soon he found himself in a large kitchen where Gyuri and Kai were cooking something. Jay was sitting at the table, his head down over his arms and Heeseung knew he was probably suffering from a massive hangover. Good.

“Oh! You’re up!” Gyuri called out, Kai turned around and graced Heeseung yet again with her beauty.

“We’ve intruded enough, we should probably get going,” Heeseung said, trying to get Jay off the table.

“You should stay for breakfast. We’re normally not up this early either but you gave us a reason to be, it’s been a while since we’ve had guests!” Gyuri motioned for Heeseung to take a seat at the table just as Kai brought over some coffee. She gave him the sweetest smile and he was sold, immediately sitting down without any complaint.

“God, you’re such a simp!” Jay groaned. “Ugh, my head!”

Gyuri signed something to Kai and she nodded before going back to cooking her bacon.

“Do you know why she does that?” Jay whispered.

“No,” Heeseung admitted. Oh, how he wished he knew.

“Hm. God, what was in that wine?” He complained again, putting his head back down.

“Morning, sunshines,” Sunghoon came from the hallway, he too was holding his head. “Ugh, best night ever!”

“How are you fine?” Jay asked.

“I’m not, I feel like shit,” Sunghoon admitted and Jay rolled his eyes.

Heeseung glared at Sunghoon, not quite happy with him for getting his friend drunk and making them stay. Sunghoon just winked at him before taking Jay’s orange juice and chugging it.

“Hey! That’s mine, get your own!” Jay tried getting it back as Sunghoon stood up and finished it.

“Ah, delicious!” Sunghoon gave back Jay’s cup and Heeseung just chuckled, shaking his head disapprovingly at the two.

Kai came over and smacked Sunghoon on the head, causing him to yelp in pain and the two got into a sign language fit. He rolled his eyes before quickly going over to the fridge and taking out more orange juice and putting it on the table.

“Happy?” Sunghoon rolled his eyes.

“Yay! Fresh cinnamon rolls!” Gyuri emerged with a tray of cinnamon rolls. Heeseung really wondered where all of them went, she clearly doesn’t sell them all.

“Morning,” Jake came from behind her, yawning and going over and kissing Kai on the head. Heeseung wished that was him kissing her.

Do you want some breakfast?

“Thank you,” Heeseung felt so shy as Kai went back going over and grabbing plates of food.

Gyuri and Kai placed plates of Bacon, eggs of sorts, some hash browns, a bowl of strawberries, and of course the cinnamon rolls.

“Oh, yum! Jackpot,” Jake exclaimed, taking a seat as everyone grabbed their plates and began filling their plates, Jay included.

“Help yourself, Heeseung,” Jake nudged him and Heeseung didn’t realize he was frozen in place.

“Oh, right,” Heeseung then began to fill his plate. He doesn’t remember the last time he ate with somebody, let alone in such a homely lively state. It felt like family.

They all proceeded to start signing together, mumbling replies here and there, leaving both Jay and Heeseung to look around confused.

“Well geez, don’t all talk at once,” Jay sarcastically said and Heeseung glared at him.

“Oh, sorry. We sometimes forget that not everyone around knows to sign, Kai was just saying how these strawberries were from the garden,” Jake mentioned.

“And I was upset that my squash died,” Sunghoon said.

“That’s because you have to water it and actually take care of it,” Gyuri said.

“Gosh, whose side are you on?” Sunghoon rolled his eyes.

Gyuri and Sunghoon are brother and sister.

Heeseung read her pad and nodded, now he noticed their similarities. He looked between Jake and her as well and noticed just how much they looked alike but different.

Jake and I are Irish twins!

“What’s irish twins?” He asked.

He’s only 10 months older than me.

“Oh my goodness, your poor mother!”

Kai laughed and nodded.

Then we got a little brother who is 10 years younger.

“Oh wow, 10 must be your lucky number.”

She nodded. She held up a strawberry to him and he kindly took it and began to eat it.

“So, what actually is this place? How do you guys make money? Is it drugs?” Jay spoke up, causing Sunghoon to choke on whatever he was eating.

“Oh my god…” Heeseung groaned.

“What? You wanted to know too,” Jay said.

“We run a legitimate business, selling goods and Sunghoon tries in…whatever he does with painting,” Jake explained. “We make a lot of wine and that ages well and a lot of local restaurants buy it. Also, we have an inheritance that keeps up going a lot of the time and it’s been good for us.”

“Not everything is about money,” Gyuri said. “You wouldn’t know though right? Since your life revolves around it.”

Gyuri yelped and Kai signed something to her and she sighed.

“Sorry,” Gyuri mumbled out.

“No, you’re right. That’s all I know, all I know is business and how to make money and keep it, I guess that’s why this doesn’t make any sense to me,” Heeseung admitted.

“It doesn’t have to, but it makes sense to us,” Sunghoon shrugged.

“What do you do with all the leftover cinnamon rolls?” Heeseung asked.

“There’s an orphanage down the road and a large school, and usually I just donate it and sell it to the students. Those students are good, they’re most of our business,” Gyuri explained and Kai nodded.

“Charity is good for business,” Heeseung said.

“I don’t do it for business, I do it because I want to,” Gyuri rolled her eyes. “You know, you’d probably be a lot happier if you gave up that chip that’s on your shoulder.”

“Alrighty, that’s enough talking about business for the day, hm?” Jake exclaimed.

“You don’t know anything about me or who I am. That’s the problem with all you people, you just judge those without knowing anything!” Heeseung exclaimed.

“Weren’t you just doing the same?” Gyuri fought back.

“No! I asked a question! Coming from 2 different worlds and I’m just trying to understand better so I can…so I can, I don’t know but I want to know!” Heeseung yelled in frustration, he started seeing red, his fists balled up and he couldn’t hear or see anything.

“Hey, Heeseung, breathe! Do you have your meds?” Jay was trying to reach through to him as Heeseung started hyperventilating.

Heeseung didn’t know why he got so mad, but feeling like he was unwelcomed when he just wanted to be embraced felt like a slap in the face. All his life he’s watched kids play, watched families sit together and laugh and smile with each other. He’s watched parents at graduations, greeting their children and hugging them, congratulating them. All his life he’s had to just follow an order, be quiet and do what he was told. Don’t cause a mess and just sit still. All his life he’s wanted nothing but to be embraced and held, telling him it was okay, that he was okay. But even in that moment, with the uncomfortable feeling of being an outsider, he felt pushed out yet again. And it hurts.

#kpop multistan #enhypen scenarios #enhypen #kpop writers #kpop fanfic #lee heeseung #heesung enhypen

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