#that one new cupcakke song bro uh how does it go

[saetoshis]

the obsession is coming back👹

[muckrakerhq]

PRESENTING … FONDUE FOR TWO, EVERY TUESDAY, HOSTED BY JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON.

featuring… this week’s guests, @ivystjamess & @lincolnonline

fondue for two is a weekly internet talk show hosted by joey hummel-anderson. fondue for two, joey, and the muckraker team strive to get all the steaming gossip while he interviews guests of his choice over a steaming pot of cheese.

[Joey's room - once again, Joey sits across from his guests, but this time it's Ivy St. James and Lincoln Clarington-Smythe; Gil the Fish is in the same spot]

JOEY: Hi everyone! Today's guests are very special, since I have here with me McKinley's biggest bitches, Ivy St. James and the new kid that is already more popular than Fiona Beckett, Lincoln Clarington-Smythe! Do you guys feel honored to be here, on what is the greatest internet show of all time?

LINK: A title I am more than proud to share. I can also say with complete confidence that the bar for internet shows is so low that I can't dispute that this one may just be the best.

IVY: okay, winnie is totally a bigger bitch than me but i'm like happy to be here before her anyway. even if it's with the new boy.

JOEY: Okay, you guys could smile a little more though, this is the internet after all. Moving on to the first question, a fan actually sent this one and it's for Ivy! Ivy, is it true that you got Danny Zuko because, just like your mom, you have what people call "man hands"?

IVY: oh my god that's like so. . . mean? i dont have man hands and neither does my mom! but if the people like really wanna know, i have my dad's hands. mine look like the exact same as his, even when we used to do jazz hands in our family dance routines they were the exact same down to like every flutter of the finger.

JOEY: I wasn't the one who sent this in, so you can blame someone named LucyQ99, because she was the one who sent it. Moving on from the story about Ivy's hands that no one asked for, the next question is for Link! Is it true that you got kicked out of Dalton because you were caught having sex with someone on the stairs and not because of a list?

LINK: Unfortunately, no, there's been a mix up in stories. I was actually caught having sex with someone on the stairs last year and I lied and said I was helping him check for STD's because 'he was too scared to see the nurse.' The list thing was totes the reason and it was unjust so please email and call your local council and accuse Dalton of homophobia, that would mean a lot to me.

JOEY: You heard it here first, I will leave the phone number and email down below because Dalton is homophobic... Anyways, next question is for both of you, who is the second hottest guy at McKinley? I'm number one, obviously.

IVY: ugh that's like so totally easy, Joey! Everyone knows it's--

IVY: actually you know what? i bet link is like SO totally unbiased from personal experience with these guys. 

IVY: link, who do you like think is hottest?

LINK: Uh...okay, well, in all honesty, the bar in on the fucking floor. And as much as I know you hate to admit it, I'm gonna say Leo because he gives me big Jack Skellington vibes if Halloweentown had a film school and I'm really into that, ya'know. Also maybe Theo but only when I admire him from afar, I don't need to hear him talk, it ruins it for me.

IVY: oh my god.

IVY: PLEASE say you're joking like right now. 

IVY: leo? like? mccarthy?

LINK: Yeah, and? I like the angst of it all!

JOEY: Wait, Ivy you didn't answer, and I'm not even going to comment on that, Link... This is the last time you'll be on my show.

IVY: i dated leo for like eight months! so not cool! the angst like totally isn't worth it. and from personal experience? you're like definitely better off with theo.

IVY: joey i didn't answer because there's like. . . not even a second behind you. maybe a close fifth though. . . yeah!

LINK: Listen, I'm not gonna try anything with Leo, I respect his heterosexuality! I'm allowed to admire from my bubble of him being my manic pixie dream film bro! And stop avoiding Joey's questions, you're dodging and weaving that shit. You may be McKinley's lil' actress ingenue, but you're not a good liar.

IVY: i am like . . . an incredible liar!

JOEY: Okay, that's enough talking about Leo in my room, you guys are bumming out my whole area... I liked Ivy's answer, moving on! How do you guys feel about the musical?

IVY: thank you! anyhow, i'm gonna like totally make everyone forget who john travolta even is. duh. ever thought you could cry to a rendition of sandy? no? well just like wait until you hear mine.

LINK: I'm hype. I really don't care about musicals but I was born to play Rizzo, it just makes sense. I'm gonna steal the show and Ivy and....uh...no, no, I'll get it....Jonathan? Jason?......Anyways, Ivy and the Schuester guy playing Sandy, well I'm sure they'll be great too. I've never been too pure to be pink, that's for sure.

IVY: Julien. 

IVY: but yea like im sure you'll make a good Rizzo. that's a compliment I don't give lightly.

JOEY: Good! I can't wait until everyone else in rehearsal to not fit in the room because of your giant egos. And I do know what ego means, I learned that word recently. Okay, between you two, who's more talented? The people want to know.

LINK: Yeah, him. Big hair. I'll get to know him when I have to bully him on stage. And let's look at the facts; I can sing, I can act, I can dance, I can write and direct, I can and have arranged multiple Cupcakke songs into acapella versions, I can work industry standard special effects equipment, I can give you splits and dips and I dress like Sharpay Evans. Make your own conclusions on who's more talented.

IVY: Listen, everyone thinks I'm like kind of a bitch, but the fact of the matter is I'm not just a bitch. I'm a talented bitch. And if acknowledging my ability makes me a bitch then like . . . whatever! Link's stuff is impressive but at the end of the day, I managed to be successful in the arts and like a totally hot and popular cheerio at Mckinley. It's no easy feat juggling both. So like . . . the proof is in the pudding or whatever.

JOEY: There's pudding? I want pudding... Well, I guess it's up to everyone else to decide, please leave a comment and say who you think is more talented! Right, next question is a serious one - do you guys think Gil looks okay? He looks tired, right?

LINK: I mean, yeah, why lie, this fish is probably moments away from the sweet, salty grips of a literal watery grave. But, hey, I'm no fish expert maybe he just needs to pop a Zoloft.

IVY: Ew, morbid. Maybe he just needs to like nap!

JOEY: I think he'll be fine. He hasn't been the same since I found out he's a secret slumlord... [turns to the bowl] The way you treat those families is really mean and they don't deserve that, but I think there's still good in you... Right, since I like to end it on a positive note, the two of you have to say something nice about each other!

IVY: Even though he's kind of delusional about who's gonna be the Grease show stopper, for someone who came from like a private school, Link does dress nice!

LINK: Why, thank you. You are very pretty and I get what the hype is about. You have a nice face and from what I can tell you have talent and when I get famous and if you weren't straight, I'd totally consider you for a part as the Final Girl in one of my movies. I try not to work with hets, it's not personal, I promise.

IVY: i see 

IVY: but just so you know, i have like two gay grandpas and i'm jewish so like when I'm inevitably the best and only option you can pull that info for the sake of being diverse

JOEY: Right, that was kind of nice! Last question of the show, did you guys have fun here? And if you say no, you're not allowed in my house anymore.

IVY: i'd never be banned from your house but yea this was like super fun!

LINK: It was a blast. I should point out though that this fondue cheese kinda tastes like, um....pure garbage. But I can look past that.

JOEY: Anyways, thanks for watching everyone and I'll see you next week for another Fondue for Two!

 [The End]