#that one and pony are what defined my childhood

[hollow-vok]

Some of my favorite movies at the moment <3

[paintcloset]

You did WHAT? And posted it WHERE?

Personal analysis of the cult obsession of depictions of blood, gore and violence, its potential origins and roots in 2010 internet culture.

Arlo Babenko, June 2024

[Hot Blood, 2024, Guache and Ink on Paper, 40.5x50cm]

Growing up on the internet with unrestricted internet access, I was part of a young demographic that discovered the unlimited horizon of media which portrayed violence, blood and gore. I believe it has shaped me as a person and still affects my views on aesthetics as well as media consumption. Reading Cynthia Freeland’s chapter titled, “Blood and beauty” from her book “But is it art?” made me think about the ever present violence in online media, which influenced the greater sphere of its aesthetics and my personal experience with the aesthetics of blood at an early age. In this essay, I will explore potential origins of gore and violence obsession in online media, and its aesthetic effects on my generation. 

When referring to gore aesthetics, I am referring to images posted by social media users. While not being made or seen as art, these images are gathered under hashtags dedicated to these categories of evidence of violence on the body (@every-bruise-a-galaxy). These aesthetics influenced not only photography but also illustrative work to include these depictions.

One part of the evolving categorization under gore is the subgenre of juxtapositioning, something stereotypically perceived as cute and combining it with elements of horror, including body horror, making it also fall into the category that I am defining in this essay. A classic example is the animated series PONY.MOV. It was a series of 12 short animated videos posted onto YouTube, parodying the popular tv show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic (MLP). It pictured the main 6 characters of the show as mentally unstable, psychopathic, or deranged and carrying out unethical actions, not typical to its reference material. (Gilardi 2011) Being about 7 years old when this was released, I remember watching it and being unable to discern it from content meant for children. Afterall, it featured the familiar faces of cartoons that I would watch. When brought up in discussion with friends to see if anyone had a similar experience, one said that “They ruined my childhood”. This is one way of introducing blood in the media at a young age. I believe it's a gateway to attraction to gory aesthetics.

Being acquainted with this media one may ask, why would such major collections of images depicting bruises, bloodied knees, nosebleeds and children cartoons reimagined as psychotic, be gathered by such a wide range of users? Exposure to such violent content at a young age is not the cause of a community's descent into desensitization. It’s one of my anecdote examples of potential root causes of the trend. Although some may have never been exposed to this kind of content regularly, they may remember it from brief interactions. The psychological response of long standing remembrance of violence is something we are born with. Researchers found that “Long-term memories are influenced by the emotion experienced during learning as well as by the emotion experienced during memory retrieval.” (Buchanan). When comparing the recall of a neutral memory to a one with an emotional one, the latter one is more likely to be remembered. Applying this concept to consumption of media, emotionally charged media depicting violence, is more likely to be remembered, and more likely to be reproduced. 

Whilst examining the potential scientific reason behind the attraction to gore, one may remember that Kant, also tried to find the scientific and objective reason behind aesthetics. The attraction to aesthetics of an injury fit into his description whilst contradicting it. Freeland states that Kant believed “that something beautiful has ‘purposiveness without a purpose’.” (Freeland, 11). A bruise or a nosebleed has no active purpose, but rather is the symptom of an action. It’s the aftermath of trauma inflicted to the body. It could be argued that neither serve a purpose when detaching it from its cause and creation. But some would argue that both are beautiful. The bruise may serve a purpose on the body through processes that we can only observe through its change in color, but to quote Freeland on the separation of usefulness and beauty in the object, the purpose of an injury, “is not why it is beautiful. Something about its array of colours and textures prompts my mental faculties to feel that the object is ‘right.’” (Freeland 12). In this case an injury is not beautiful because of its lack of perceived use, but is also found beautiful through its cause. This makes it follow Kant’s idea of aesthetics, whilst also contradicting it. 

Combining both of my arguments for obsession over the aesthetics of injuries and violence on the internet, there is a potential new question to the attraction to this aesthetic. If you can’t forget the content you consume, do you start to find it beautiful? Potentially, yes, but I don't know for certain. I believe that there is a combination at play of the two elements, as well as attraction to the illustration of cause on the body by injuries being present. After all, it's proof you're alive, even if bleeding, and there is beauty in seeing those elements as beauty as well. 

Works Cited

Buchanan, Tony W. “Retrieval of Emotional Memories.” 2008, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2265099/. Accessed 3 June 2024.

@every-bruise-a-galaxy. “Bruised knuckles and night skies for anon.” Tumblr, Every Bruise a Galaxy, 14 October 2022, https://www.tumblr.com/every-bruise-a-galaxy/698119006135238657/bloodyhands-butimnotdead-bruised-knuckles-and. Accessed 4 June 2024.

Freeland, Cynthia A. But is it Art? An Introduction to Art Theory. Oxford University Press, 2001. Accessed 6 June 2024.Gilardi, Max, creator. PONY.MOV. 2011. 2011. YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL94A83DC128CC6B4B. Accessed 5 June 2024.

[disworl]

Homestuck Music You Might Not Have Heard

[NOTE: Tumblr's formatting is really finicky so doing dual updates to this thing is not worth my time. If you want the most recent list, find it on Ao3.]

Yes, “MeGaLoVania” and “Time On My Side” are damn good songs, but a music catalogue this large is certain to have several diamonds in the rough. Here’s a selection of likewise lovely Homestuck music that you might not have heard.

V 1.0, updated 2022.10.10

I wrote this as an appreciation for all the wonderful music this comic has, and to give spotlight to the works that aren’t as well-known as “Black” and the like. Homestuck is a truly unique piece of media, and the soundtrack is one of the reasons why.

Great thanks to the HSMusic Wiki, which is what I used to check a track’s artist and contributor credits, whether it had been used in a flash, and what, if any other tracks it referenced. In my write-ups, I try to be as accurate as possible, but I’ve no music education aside from half-remembered childhood violin lessons. Apologies if I make a mistake.

I’m slowly working through the catalogue, so when I listen to more albums I’ll update this.

Full Playlist

Some Vague Guidelines

Official music only on Disc I Side A, with good semi-official unreleased tracks from the Homestuck Sound Test and some fan music on Disc I Side B. Disc II is the same, except in a bulleted list of every track covered, who it’s by, and what album it’s from, for the sake of readability.

The official music section is split into three categories: Deep Cuts From Popular Albums (popular being somewhat arbitrarily defined as Vol. 5, Strife!, Alterniabound, and both coloUrs and mayhem), Lesser-Known Takes on Something Else (for tracks that are well, primarily an interpretation of a pre-existing track, usually something more popular like “Doctor”), and Cool and New Music is for original compositions (though they may have minor references to other music).

Tracks are organized by chronological album release date pre-merger and the Vol. 1-4 re-release, and then by track order within the same album.

Nothing readily available from a Flash (so phonograph tracks and something like “Pony Chorale” are fine) is allowed.

Neither is anything with 1 million views or more (based on the most popular video at time of writing) on Youtube for Deep Cuts, and then for Lesser-Known Takes that threshold is halved, and again for Cool and New Music.

Themes from Alterniabound and the two ColoUrs and Mayhem albums ("Vriska’s Theme", "Green Ghost", "Rust Servant", et cetera) will not be included regardless of popularity because their obvious theming gives them an obvious profile for any fan of what character they’re for.

I will not be covering any albums released after Homestuck Vol. 10.

I want to keep featuring Toby Fox to a minimum – he’s a wonderful musician, but he is also by far the most well known member of the music and tends to overshadow everyone else by a wide margin.

Disc I - Side A

Side A Playlist.

Deep Cuts From Popular Albums

Deep Cuts Playlist.

“Light” by Erik “Jit” Scheele off of Homestuck Vol. 5 is a sort of comfortably adventurous composition that uses 413 as a chord progression. The piano melody that that leads off the track combined with the wind instrumentation gives the feeling of just a wonderful day, helped by the fan art for it in the Vol. 5 track art anthology fan project.

Also off of Vol. 5 , “Softly” by Robert J! Lake is a sweet toned electronic tune driven by a fuzzy, bouncing melody – though the beat gives it just a bit of an edge.

“Atomic Bonsai”, from hard-going solo album Strife! By Joren “Tensei” de Bruin, is the only kid strife track to not get used in some sort of official Homestuck-related thing (“Time on My Side” is a flash track, “Heir of Conditioning” was rearranged into flash track “Heir of Grief” in addition to being a phonograph tune in [S] Kanaya: Return to the Core, and “Dance of Thorns” was used in the Kickstarter video), and that’s a shame. It brings as much energy as the other three, and the combination of bass guitar and East Asian musical influence gives an equally unique sound with hook after hook.

Compared to the effervescence of Nepeta’s preceding music, “Catapult Capuchin” by Toby “Radiation” Fox off of AlterniaBound is nothing but the fierce hunter’s prowess on display in Video Game music fashion, as it was constructed from Mega Man X samples. It’s a high powerful ride throughout, but my favourite part is the bit at 00:33.

“Clockstopper” by viaSatellite and infiniteKnife off of coloUrs and mayhem: Universe B arguably counts for the first category, too, but I’m putting here because it’s specifically a symphonic rock mix of Beatdown, Atomyk Ebonpyre, and Upward Movement. The tension-building intro launching into the full force action of the flying strings always gets my blood pumping. My favourite take on Beatdown so far.

Lesser-Known Takes on Something Else

Lesser-Known Takes Playlist.

Humorous and infectious, “Pony Chorale” by Michael Guy Bowman with Tavia Morra off of Homestuck Vol. 4 is – well, it’s certainly a song! A mournful Western whistle on “Chorale for Jaspers” set to the beat of cartoonish hoof noises, punctuated by cymbals, all wrapped up with one simple word: neigh. And if you want some visuals for your viewing pleasure, there are two (probably not so) secret Flash pages for this song.

“Squidissension” by Mark Hadley, off of Homestuck Vol. 6 does an admirable and unique spin on the difficult job of combining the hyper-pop sugar-overdosed “Squiddles!” theme and the slightly ominous guardianstrife theme for Jade, “Dissension”. Serving as the main running melody, when shifted into minor key and given “Dissension” as a complement, “Squiddles!” becomes frantic instead of desperate, while “Dissension” is given that extra jump in momentum to keep pace, making for a track that’s something different, more adventurous, and more dire than either of its progenitors.

While it’s close to blowing the 500k Youtube requirement, “Anbroids 2.0” by Malcom Brown off of Homestuck Vol. 9 is still in the clear, so I’m putting it here as an early favourite of mine. With a very synthetic Strider sound, the track’s got a nice bouncy melody that serves as a fuller-realized version of the original “Anbroids” in the flash. Perfect for a rap-off.

“I’m a Member of the Midnight Crew (Post-Punk Version)”, by Michael Guy Bowman with Erik “Jit” Scheele and Marcy Nabors, from Homestuck Vol. 9, is a seedier, sharper, and stabbier take on the Victorian original and the acapella cover featured in the comic proper. The vocals just kill.

“II – Sarabande” by Clark “Plazmataz” Powell for her solo album Symphony Impossible to Play , is, unsurprisingly, a symphonic cover of “Sarabande” by Erik “Jit” Scheele. What might be surprising, however, is how much restraint is employed in it – the difference from the original is subtle, bearing a slowly rising string backing before the cello solo of the main melody kicks in around the minute mark.

Where “Homestuck Anthem” has a weird, portentous and artificial atmosphere, “Homestuck” a more present and traditional rendition, “Elevatorstuck” a dedicated – and listenable! – parody of muzak, and “Homosuck Anthem” a… copious amount of animal sound effects, “IV – Anthem”, also off of Symphony Impossible to Play brings a triumphant fanfare to the thematic melody for the comic. It is powerful and keeps the tension in the original throughout, driven by the backing – my favourite part is when the brass first cuts and you’re just left to bask only in the beat and the strings. “I – Overture” might have been the track to finish the comic, but I can’t think of a better track to end the album.

While the popularity of “Penumbra Phantasm” is debatable given that it’s never been released in full, “FantasyP”, by Erik “Jit” Scheele off of his solo album One Year Older, is a wonderfully hopeful and free take on “Penumbra Phantasm”, instead of referencing it as part of a larger composition. If you don’t know what “Penumbra Phantasm” is, prepare for roughly four minutes of “hey, that sounds familiar” while listening to just a really nice song – though, notably, it omits that one haunting piano riff from the original that serves as a code for a great many of the flashes. (One Year Older is available for free on Scheele’s bandcamp.)

“Another Chance”, a bonus track from One Year Older but done by Eston “silence” Schweickart”, is a synth remix of “Walk-Stab-Walk (R&E)” that gives the already good track some serious extra juice.

Starting off as a far-off sounding piano rendition of “Ruins” before crackling into a mechanized-backing of “Flare”, then bringing in clear, present electric guitar at 2:00 and finally adding in “Explore”, “Solar Voyage” by Marcy Nabors (with several others, check Disc II for full credits) off of Homestuck Vol. 10 definitely feels like a journey. The twists and progression on these recognizable musical staples are a sound to behold.

“Conclude” by Seth “Beatfox” Peelle, also off the same album, is the closer to the final volume of Homestuck music, and it lives up to the challenge. Beginning with a flying rendition of Sburban Jungle that turns the frenetic rush of the original into a hopeful retrospective, before switching to a bittersweet refrain of “Showtime”, the song then dives into original territory with a fanfare at 4:13, backed by “Skies of Skaia”, before closing with a soaring rendition of “Homestuck”, free and full of light in comparison to the pounding might of “IV – Anthem”. It’s a wonderful encapsulation of the complicated feelings flowing into one another that come with the end of a comic that means so much. My favourite bit is the far-off echoed “Showtime” at 1:19 – looking at the early morning of that April 13th, 2009. It did turn out to be a very long day, after all.

Cool And New Music

Cool and New Music Playlist.

“Squiddle Samba” by Michael Guy Bowman off of the album Squiddles! (no longer for sale, do with that information what you will), a thematic concept theme giving a whole extensive soundtrack to a fictitious children’s television show, is an energetic and bubbly jam that does not take the concept so far that an excess of irony is needed to enjoy it (though, the sugarily crystalline Squiddle voices appear for a scant fifteen seconds near the end, if that’s what you’re for).

Also off the same album, “Ocean Stars” by Mark Hadley is a calming, sweet and savoury treat to top off the excess of sugar cubes (and occasion tentacles) put on your musical plate. The layered build-up of the various elements is simple, befitting a children’s show, but done oh-so-well in a way that gives it meat.

“The Lemonsnout Turnabout” by Toby Fox for his solo album Alternia is a narrative piece wherein a young Trollian girl has an intrumental motif established (Neo-baroque harpsichord), and sets to take in a certain neon yellow draconian senator (represented by an oboe) for adjustments. In contrast to “Terezi’s Theme” and its more faster action, there’s a certain cerebral, well-plotted atmosphere to “The Lemonsnout Turnabout”. You can see the wind-up of the machinery fueling Terezi’s long noose in nailing Lemonsnout, echoed by the fearful groan of that oboe and the sharp jabs of the harpsichord in turn.

Also from Alternia, “dESPERADO ROCKET CHAIRS,” establishes Tavros with a Latin theme the way “The Lemonsnout Turnabout” establishes Terezi with the harpischord. It begins a short intro, before the horns really come in blaring – a far shot from the dying string reference of “Rex Duodecim Angelus”. Tavros is a dork, but he’s got fire behind him, and “dSPERADO ROCKET CHAIRS,” does a good job of showing that.

“Shade” by Clark “Plazmataz” Powell off of her solo album Medium, themed around the kid’s lands. A mixture of synthetic and often industrial noise combined with more organic instrumentation helps express the strangeness of these game worlds. In “Shade”, the shimmering melody that drives the track forward expresses the quiet and curious nature of the bioluminescence of LOWAS, before transitioning into a piano tune made for Typheus.

“Heat”, off the same album, takes a more hard-pressed approach, utilizing scissoring violin backdropped against industrial swirl to conjure up the swelter of churning lava in LOHAC. When the violin breaks free of that rhythm to climb, it only adds to the drama, and the song ends by sonically pulling away from the ebb and flow to leave the planet behind.

Starting off with thunder, “Exodus” by Tyler Dever for his solo album Sburb and performed by Erik “jit” Scheele, Exodus balances the apocalyptic severity of the meteors sent during the beginning hours of SBURB with skittering notes of the various players attempting to enter the medium. It closes out with a stark, last-second rendition of “Sburban Jungle” before quietly fading. (Sburb is available for free on Dever’s bandcamp.)

“Carapacian Dominion” by Seth “Beatfox” Peelle, opening the exile-themed album The Wanderers (also unavailable for purchase), sets the stage for the rest of the music by combining more unexplored, ethnic sound with a more Homestuck-typical industrial beat that’s perfect for the long trek along the desert of earth, years in the future (but not many).

In contrast to the forward-hiking rhythm of “Carapacian Dominion”, “Aimless Morning Gold” by Michael Guy Bowman off the same album is a track for staying in one place. Glittering synth (?) notes linger and warp in the heat, contrasted by the lazy ramble of the bass, all punctuated by a slight turn to Westerns with rattling machine gun shots.

And taking a strong turn from both of them, “Years in the Future” by Robert J! Lake, still off of the same album, is track following in Lake’s style of slightly eclectic, slightly choppy, but nevertheless catching and catchy electronic noise tunes. It takes a bit for the track to get going, but the combination of blips and bleeps that all call up the idea of electronic communication in the Can Town of the future makes for a wonderful swirl in the end.

“Derse Dreamers” might be one of the most famous songs in Homestuck, but that isn’t to say Prospit is lacking in terms of good music. “Center of Brilliance” by Solatrus for his solo album Prospit & Derse, themed around, well, you guess, begins with a shimmering chiming intro before bass and piano step in to bring a more full view of the center of the golden moon. The regal fanfare and drum setup ties things to Prospit’s formal atmosphere as a contrast to John and Jade’s instruments of choice. Something I like for all of the Prospit songs in the album is the bass guitar – it stands out as a driving instrument rather than just backing, and it’s true here, too. (Prospit & Derse is available for free on Solatrus’ bandcamp.)

“Song of Skaia” by Mark Hadley with Tarien Ainuvë, off of the same-titled album, is probably most recognizable as the bursting upswell chorus three minutes into “Creata”. Compared to that triumphant recital, however, “Song of Skaia” takes a more singular approach. It’s more minimalistic, and generally has the feeling of looking down from a thousand miles out in space.

“Cancerous Core” by Erik “Jit” Scheele gives a very short moment in the comic – the descent into Skaia – a full musical backing. The subtle brush of the air in combination with the restless roll of the piano in Locrian mode, accompanied by the ancient call of the wind instrumentation. It’s a track that definitely calls a strange and perhaps unsettling journey into some unseen world.

Alien and enchanting, “Voidlight” by Thomas Ferkol off of Homestuck Vol. 10 bears a flowing atmosphere that still contains a sense of drama. From commentary, it’s based on Calliope hiding in the Furthest Ring, which makes sense for the quiet not yet calm nature. The strings in the intro help convey the quiet, secluded landscape, and all around it’s a wonderfully ethereal piece.

“Feel (Alive)” by Luke Benjamins and Robert J! Lake from the same album, on the other hand, is a straight up chiptune rocker. It’s got raucous energy that absolutely earns its title.

Disc I - Side B

Side B Playlist (incomplete, not every track is on Youtube).

Homestuck Sound Test Gems

Sound Test Playlist (incomplete, not every Sound Test track is on Youtube).

“Cuttlefish Rag” by Alexander “Albatross Soup” Rosetti is a jaunty little ragtime tune originally written for Squiddles! , though you could also easily interpret it as a track for Feferi.

All memery aside, “Karkalicious (Guitarkind)” is a rockin’ guitar addition to a short excerpt of the Broadwaystuck classic. Yes, it’s hilarious. It also has some genuinely sick riffs. I daresay “Karkalicious” has never sounded so good.

“Mother (Davekind)” by Erik “Jit” Scheele is a take on “Mother” from One Year Older (can you tell I really like this album?) but in the style of Dave instead of John, trading out the slow, matured piano and strings for synths and turntables with a more energetic beat.

“Sea of Derse” got more instrumentation for the jazzy and relaxed “Breeze” in Homestuck Vol. 10, but in some ways I like the slightly more melancholic, stripped-down piano original.

“today i butchered a homestuck song (three in the A M)” by James “soselfimportant” Roach is a slightly weird, catching arrangement on “Three in the Morning”. In some way, it’s a precursor to what Roach did with “Karkat’s Theme”, “Terezi’s Theme”, and “Davesprite” for the Pesterquest soundtrack.

“Aggrieve (Piano) v2” by Toby Fox is… well, it’s a piano arrangement of “Aggrieve”, the second of three, and the best of them. I might be biased in terms of instrumentation, but what makes this track so good personally (and in fact, my favourite version of “Aggrieve”) is that it brings a level of energy that tends to be sublimated for a more measured and cerebral Lalondian pace – even in “Aggrievocation”. There’s a lot of great moments in this track, but my favourite bit’s around 1:42.

Fan Music Gems

Fan Music Playlist (incomplete, not every fan music track is on Youtube).

Found in the ~2011 Fan Music compilation of the Homestuck Archives, “Sunrise” by Yan “Nucleose” Rodriguez is a cheery guitar cover of the previously mentioned “Light”. It brings a sharper edge to the main melody, definitely befitting those first cracks of light over the horizon. I might like this more than the original. (Ironically, a later track by Scheele for One Year Older used the same title, and also referenced “Light”.)

“Sunshaker” by D. Crystal off of Land of Fans and Music is a very faithful jazz arrangement of “Sunsetter”. It’s mellower than both “Sunsetter” and “Sunslammer”, but still upbeat, all pinned together by that rolling piano.

Done by “Tarranon” for the concept album Sburb OST, “Amongst Smiling Faces [Prospitian Dignitaries]” is a theme for the agents of the Prospit. As its title might suggest, it takes a much more relaxed tone than Prospit & Derse’s regality, going downright pastoral with a sound not out of place for a first town in a JRPG.

“Waste of Space” by therosielord off of Songs for Monsters , is a lamentful fansong for Jade H arley on the occasion of her death in the Game Over timeline. The lyric s have some really clever moments underscoring Jade’s rise in agency, only to see that same agency fall by the wayside through death and grimbarkification. The ambling, almost slee py guitar backing only underscores the tragedy. (“Waste of Space” is the first of a quartet of songs for the Beta kids – the girls’ featured on Songs for Monsters , and the boys’ featured on Songs for Gods .)

The third in the Beta Kids quartet by therosielord and off of Songs for Gods, “Out of Time” is a fansong for, of course, Dave Strider. It’s a rambling, wordplay-laden tune that’s set to the relentless pace of Sburb on a single day in April, before scratching and resetting to a layered repetition of information and elements. The verse at 2:12 is my favourite of all of the Beta kid songs.

The twelve fansongs for the trolls might be PhemieC’s most famous contribution to Homestuck fandom, but the songs off of their other album, Songs for a Doomed Timeline aren’t slacking, either. “The Path” is one of their less well-known works – a fansong for Alpha Dave and Rose. Prognostic and methodical, it’s sung with the unclouded and heavy knowledge of the events to come, and the lyricism is sharp at every corner.

Yeah, I’m waiving the no character themes rule for Fan Music, because Fan Music is already niche enough. “♐Broken Strings♐” by psithurist off of Ancestral , an album dedicated to the ancestors, is an off-beat math rock styled string track for E%ecutor Darkleer. The odd rhythm and combination of strings and percussion is perfect for the loyal agent of the empire turnt exile.

“Of Rust and Royalty” by Grace Medley and off of the same album is a thudding nu disco take on the fight between the Handmaid and the Condesce, splicing up various elements of Rust Servant/Rust Apocalypse, Fuchsia Ruler, and Eternity Served Cold in a way that sells the power of the two (three?) individuals involved.

“The End of Something Really Excellent” by Rhyselinn off of Lands of Fans and Music 4 is, itself, a r eally e xcellent medley of “ The Beginning of Something Really Excellent” and a lot of narrative Homestuck hits. The tone is mostly relieved and a little nostalgic, like finally being able to catch a real breath after two very long days and three years of a suspense-building in-between – a nice contrast to the more triumphant and energetic musical recaps in Homestuck. The commentary has both and outline of how the song follows the plot of Homestuck and timestamps for each song referenced.

“Calming Quartz” by PoisonedElite is the opener for Xenoplanetarium, an album in a similar vein as Medium, only for the trolls’ planets instead. Whereas Medium touches on the at least tangential familiarity that comes with the kids’ planets by utilizing industrial sounds with organic instruments, Xenoplanetarium at its best gives an odd and isolated soundtrack to its subjects, and “Calming Quartz” is exemplary in that. The bounding piano reflects the glacial nature of the quartz in LOQAM, backdropped by music box melody fitting with the cardinal movement. That melody’s isolation and eventual fade into mechanized hum at the end might be my favourite part of the song.

Continuing in the steed of “Calming Quartz”, “Sandy Skyline” by Aris Martinian from the same album brings the ever-stretching dunes of LOSAZ with some notes in the breeze and strong low stringwork, set to a clicking rhythm. The echo processing effect is noticeable but not too excessive, all making for a track perfect for that orange expanse.

Disc II - Side A

Side A Playlist.

Deep Cuts From Popular Albums

Deep Cuts Playlist.

“Light” – Erik “Jit” Scheele (Homestuck Vol. 5)

“Softly” – Robert J! Lake (Homestuck Vol. 5)

“Atomic Bonsai” – Joren “Tensei” de Bruin (Strife!)

“Catapult Capuchin” – Toby “Radiation” Fox (Alterniabound)

“Clockstopper” – viaSatellite, infiniteKnife (coloUrs and mayhem: Universe B)

Lesser-Known Takes on Something Else

Lesser-Known Takes Playlist.

“Pony Chorale” – Michael Guy Bowman with Tavia Morra (Homestuck Vol. 4)

“Squidissension” – Mark Hadley (Homestuck Vol. 6)

“Anbroids 2.0” – Malcom Brown (Homestuck Vol. 9)

“I’m a Member of the Midnight Crew (Post-Punk Version)” – Michael Guy Bowman with Erik “Jit” Scheele” and Marcy Nabors (Homestuck Vol. 9)

“II – Sarabande” – Clark “Plazmataz” Powell (Symphony Impossible to Play)

“IV – Anthem” – Clark “Plazmataz” Powell (Symphony Impossible to Play)

“FantasyP” – Erik “Jit” Scheele” (One Year Older)

“Another Chance” – Eston “silence” Schweickart (One Year Older)

“Solar Voyage” – Marcy Nabors with Michael Guy Bowman, Clark “Plazmataz” Powell, Erik “Jit” Scheele”, Joren “Tensei” de Bruin”, Paul Henderson, and Jamie Page Stanley (Homestuck Vol. 10)

“Conclude” Seth “Beatfox” Peele (Homestuck Vol. 10)

Cool and New Music

Cool and New Music Playlist.

“Squiddle Samba” – Michael Guy Bowman (Squiddles!)

“Ocean Stars” – Mark Hadley (Squiddles!)

“The Lemonsnout Turnabout” – Toby Fox (Alternia)

“Desperado Rocket Chairs” – Toby Fox (Alternia)

“Shade” – Clark “Plazmataz” Powell (Medium)

“Heat” – Clark “Plazmataz” Powell (Medium)

“Exodus” – Tyler Dever and Erik “Jit” Scheele” (Sburb)

“Carapacian Dominion” – Seth “Beatfox” Peele (The Wanderers)

“Aimless Morning Gold” – Michael Guy Bowman (The Wanderers)

“Years In The Future” – Robert J! Lake (The Wanderers)

“Center of Brilliance” – Solatrus (Prospit & Derse)

“Song of Skaia” – Mark Hadley with Tarien Ainuvë (Song of Skaia)

“Cancerous Core” – Erik “Jit” Scheele (One Year Older)

“Voidlight” – Thomas Ferkol (Homestuck Vol. 10)

“Feel (Alive)” – Luke Benjamins and Robert J! Lake (Homestuck Vol. 10)

Disc II - Side B

Side B Playlist (incomplete, not every track is on Youtube).

Homestuck Sound Test Gems

Sound Test Playlist (incomplete, not every Sound Test track is on Youtube).

Cuttlefish Rag – Alexander “Albatross Soup” Rosetti

“Karkalicious (Guitarkind)” – Joren “Tensei” de Bruin

“Mother (Davekind)” – Erik “Jit” Scheele

“Sea of Derse” – Erik “Jit” Scheele

“today I butchered a song (3 in the A M)” – James “soselfimportant” Roach

“Aggrieve (Piano) v2” – Toby “Radiation” Fox

Fan Music Gems

Fan Music Playlist (incomplete, not every fan music track is on Youtube).

“Sunrise” – Yan “Nucleose” Rodriguez

“Sunshaker” – D.Crystal (Land of Fans and Music)

“Amongst Smiling Faces [Prospitian Dignitaries]” – Tarranon (Sburb OST)

“Waste of Space” – the rosielord (Songs for Monsters)

“Out of Time” – therosielord (Songs for Gods)

“The Path” – PhemieC (Songs for a Doomed Timeline)

“♐Broken Strings♐” – psithurist (Ancestral)

“Of Rust and Royalty” – Grace Medley (Ancestral)

“The End of Something Really Excellent” – Rhyselinn (Land of Fans and Music 4)

“Calming Quartz” – PoisonedElite (Xenoplanetarium)

“Sandy Skyline” – Aris Martinian (Xenoplanetarium)

[eldritch-edward]

This is what I did tonight when I sat down to write;

Ed's henna was fun to design, though, so I did enjoy the time I spent.

Believe it or not, Ed being able to turn invisible isn’t from TOH nor ITSV, it's actually inspired from an old MLP fanfic called Background Pony. It's a somewhat bleak fic but so is my work and that story has been one of my favourites for…. maybe two years now?

————-

While Ed had seen henna and mehndi art from time to time when growing up in Resembool, given its proximity to Ishvall, he'd only really gotten a chance to wear it once or twice in his childhood (curtesy of one of the many people who decided to watch out for the town's resident stewards).

Once William (Envy) becomes a part of his life and decides to teach Ed about their heritage, Ed is reintroduced to henna and decides that he rather likes having it. He can’t apply it himself (as he doesn’t wear the automail art by that point, although I will likely have him start sporting a prosthetic similar to what is seen in CoS) and he takes a fair amount of liberties with the medium, but it is fun.

(Yes, I am projecting. I didn’t learn about my middle eastern heritage until I was eighteen and my grandfather was literally from Lebanon.)

William gifts Ed an archeology book containing illustrations of henna art and styles, which Ed proceeds to use or inspiration whenever Kit (03 Wrath) or Nina agree to use him as a sentient canvas. Kit uses primarily floral or thermal designs (mainly vines or snow), weaving them to work with Ed's homunculus markings and spanning the length of Ed's whole arm rather than just the hand.

Nina, being the artsy wee lass she is, sticks more strictly with illustrations. Her work is more geometric in shape as well as generally more defined.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Transphobia

I just ... I don’t get it. I don’t. Why the fuck does other people’s gender matter so much to people in all the wrong ways? What is this obsession with other people’s genitals, and why does this not translate into when people are forcing said genitals upon the unwilling in any form? They talk-talk-talk about how they’re protecting women and children from the unwanted penises of trans women, who they don’t acknowledge as women, but they’re apparently just fine with actual sexual assault by people with penises who identify as men.

I swear, I feel like half the reason I identify as non-binary now is because I am just so sick of it. There’s all these rules that society sets up about what you’re supposed to do and say and think and wear and all that other bullshit when it comes to gender identity, and society just seems to crack down on it harder and harder every year. And I grew up in the fucking 80s, when half the shows pointed at my age group were glorified toy commercials and the age-old standard of marketing people of “gender-focused toys and advertising for same” made it a half-and-half of pink glitter and BIG STRONG MEN. And there was me, with my Barbies and my Matchbox cars and my Strawberry Shortcake dolls and my GI Joes and having Luke Skywalker riding the Cotton Candy My Little Pony into battle and honestly FUCK ALL OF IT.

Gender roles are bullshit and I’ve known that since I was a kid, because there was my mother climbing the corporate ladder in a way that we just can’t do anymore, and there was my dad, way over there after the divorce, sticking with a blue-collar job. I may have grown up learning two languages that give a gender to basically every fucking noun in the world, but maybe that’s another reason I got fed up with it because why the fuck does cheese have a gender? It felt arbitrary. To me, gender is fucking arbitrary. But everyone wants to link it to what’s between people’s legs and it’s just stupid. Cheese has no genitals, but it has gender in French and Spanish and probably other similar languages, so how do genitals have any bearing on your gender? In short, why the fuck am I even bothering?

So here’s me, with an 80s childhood where I looked at the various gender assigned stuff and went, “Hang on - this is bullshit”. I don’t actually fit in anyplace with any of the assigned gender bullshit, so again, why the fuck am I bothering? Well, because half the fucking planet insists that I define myself by my genitalia, that’s why. It’s fucking gross, is what it is. I want people to get their minds out of other people’s pants for, like, ever, unless they’ve had a clear invitation to partake of what’s in there. But no. No, apparently this bunch of gross yahoos feel like they should be the Gender Police, making sure that no one identifies with anything but “penis = man / vulva = woman”. I AM NOT DEFINED BY THE CONTENTS OF MY KNICKERS SO STOP THINKING ABOUT SAID CONTENTS, YOU PERVERTS.

And then they use that to punish people who go against the kinds of stupid-ass rules they apparently learned when their parents gave them the birds-and-bees talk as children. It’s apparently so fucking important that people live according to this bullshit gender identity structure that the ones who don’t have to have their lives made a fucking misery, or just ended. It’s fucking ridiculous. Even if for some dumb-ass reason you believe that trans and nonbinary people are in some way mentally disturbed ... they’re not hurting you. That’s the worst part of this - IT IS NOT HURTING ANYONE. The only people who get hurt when they come out as trans are the trans people, because people hurt them for it. So someone assigned female at birth wants to get some top surgery and go by James and he/him pronouns; so what? How does that actually hurt anyone?

I think the dumbest part of all of it is that the transphobes of the world do feel like they’re being hurt by this. Their simple worldview gets so unbearably shaken by the existence of people who don’t want to fit in the gender-specific moulds of the society they grew up in, and suddenly they feel under attack, because they can’t understand the world anymore somehow. So instead of putting on their big person undergarments and learning to cope with a changing world, they beat the people who don’t conform back into a corner ... or just to death, whichever seems easier to them at the time. And they call us “delicate snowflakes” when all we’re asking for is to not be belittled, insulted, hated just for existing, or outright killed. Apparently just not wanting to die is being ‘delicate’ when they’re clutching their metaphorical pearls over what we want to call ourselves.

It’s the same with sexuality. I personally do not see how gay people just existing is a problem. What they do with their genitals is their own business unless they’re forcing said genitals on someone else without consent. Few to none of them are doing that (there are always outliers). What people do with their genitals in the privacy of their homes is their own business, and anything public? Look, kissing someone or holding someone’s hand is not that sexual, okay? How some people get more up in arms about a man kissing another man on the cheek and holding his hand than they do about a man French-kissing a woman with his hand halfway up her skirt in terms of “public display of affection” is beyond me. Yet it happens, all the time. As to that whole ‘sexualising children’ bullshit - I’m sorry, it’s mostly the straight people doing that. You get a little boy running around the playground with a little girl and immediately get, “Oh, is that your little girlfriend?” and all that sort of bullshit. Most LGBTQ+ people just want to give kids something that they themselves never had - the freedom to choose what they want and who they are without societal expectations. But that’s wrong while shoving little boys and little girls together with not-really-jokes about them getting married someday is apparently fine.

I know it’s all about control. I know it’s all about shaping the world into what these people want and need it to be. I know that they’re the ones who are the delicate snowflakes who wither and die at the idea that the world is changing and they might have to change with it if they don’t fight it by stamping down the ‘deviants’. Intellectually I know all of this. But in my heart, I rage at all of it. In the end, it’s all down to policing people’s genitals and it’s ridiculous and I need it to stop. Everyone needs it to stop. Even the people who’re making others’ lives miserable over it need it to stop, though they won’t admit it. It must be exhausting, hating on people because of what is or isn’t in their knickers and whether that correlates to the gender by which they identify. Everybody needs it to stop, and it feels like it’s never going to, and I am tired and angry and fed up with all of it.

Dear everyone who’s bigoted in the gender and sexuality spectrums: STOP OBSESSING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S GENITALS AND WHAT THEY DO WITH THEM. It’s gross, and you are the perverts you accuse others of being. You want to beat on someone for what they’re doing with their genitals? Go beat on a rapist instead of excusing their behaviour with “men have urges” and all that other bullshit that’s been used to excuse sexual assault since the dawn of fucking time. But if someone isn’t hurting people? Leave the contents of their pants alone.

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

tagged by @cheersmequeers and @shugarmelon85 💖💖💖

three ships: (im going for Life-Defining ships that took over my brain at some point or another)

gentlebeard (OMFD) bc of course

stucky (MCU) fuck marvel but "repressed crush on your childhood best friend to thinking your childhood best friend died to realizing your childhood best friend survived and was brainwashed to be an assassin and has no idea who you are and has been ordered to kill you" altered my brain chemistry in middle school

davekat (Homestuck) cringe is dead and this one altered my brain chemistry in high school

first ever ship:

percabeth (percy jackson) the og... these children hold a special place in my heart. altered my brain chemistry in elementary school lol

last song:

there was a post on my dash that i cant find rn but it linked to a wlw spotify playlist that i've been listening to for the past few days. the last song i listened to was BONNIE by Vylet Pony

last film:

im trying to figure out the timeline here and i cant remember if the last movie i saw was Wendell & Wild or uh. Bones and All.

ohhhhkay i looked that the movie release dates and FUCK i think it was Bones and All lmaooooooooohfjehguhvhgriu

if y'all REALLY want to get to know me better then click this link

also jesus fuck i haven't watched a movie in ages

currently reading:

lmao... Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. very, very slowly, tho

i'd list some fics except that im incapable of not just reading a whole fic in one sitting (yes 100k word fics included) so im not actually in the middle of any fics right now. rip

currently watching:

The Last of Us but im not allowed to watch it without my dad so by the time we sit down for the most recent episode it's like two days before the next one airs

currently consuming:

i have two pints of ben and jerry's in the fridge downstairs and im gonna grab one in a minute. i forget what flavors they are tho

currently craving:

blackbonnet sex scene. i need her so bad

tagging: @asneakyfox, @batsarebetterthanpeople, @blackbeardskneebrace, @chuplayswithfire, @emi--rose, @kityana, @thetardigrape, @thermoskind, and @wearfinethingsalltoowell! no pressure and also apologies if you've already been tagged lol

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

If DCLA characters had Tumblr part 9 🕺🏼

🎨 biamakesart Follow

Hi!! I made a new comic 💜 Like and reblog

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

Haha that happened to me and my friends once 🤣

3 notes

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

Randomly remember when my dad explained to me that him and his then fiancée were getting married. But he didn’t say that, he started to do this elaborate story about some papa bear that was on his way to meet mama bear at the meadow and saw a flying unicorn or something. That was his ”metaphors” for how they were getting married.

Some extra context to this story: I was 18 when he told me this.

👩🏻‍🦱 dangerously-beautiful-ant Follow

In that case, how did he explain like… how babies are made?

I both want and do not want to know.

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

”Imagine a pegasus and a unicorn. They love each other very much, and so they run across the rainbow together. Their love causes it to rain ice cream and everyone is so happy! Soon there’s a new pony appearing when the unicorn shoots glitter from its magical horn. All the magical elfs celebrate the arrival of the pony, which of course is purple and sparkles a lot! Now, do you have any questions?”

10 year old me:

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

How did you even go through puberty?!

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

I’m asking myself this every single day.

30 notes

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

When someone has hurt you, remember that everyone has the same bodily functions as you do.

What I am saying is that, whenever someone has made you feel awful, just picture them farting. They aren’t so scary anymore now, are they?

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

I tried this and then I immediately felt bad because I pictured my mom finding out I thought such a ”vulgar” thought about her and shamed me for it

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

Then picture her burping after shaming you. Who is ashamed now?

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

Camila have you pictured these things about me?

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

Yes.

#you’re my childhood rival #I need to picture you doing gross human things so I feel superior

76 notes

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

I remember when my coach told me I reminded her of a singer she loved as a kid. That singer made her heart beat a lot… and that’s why she wanted me to pursue music because I reminded her of it.

Anyway I am theorizing if she had a crush on that singer and now she wants me to give a new generation of girls crushes with my sweet melodies.

✌🏼 arodarmivida Follow

You're already giving this generation of girls crushes on you <3

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Define ”girls”. In plural. Haven’t seen or heard anyone except for Jim.

7 notes

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Tumblr is fun. I interact more with people I know irl on here than I do with them irl.

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Yeah, especially some people who you barely interact with irl and thus you don’t know them well enough to know it’s very obviously their Tumblr blog 🤣

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

He does not even seem to know the tumblr blogs of people he DOES interact with a lot irl. He may just suck at knowing people.

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

I know people!

I wish Gastón was here, he'd defend me.

📸 felicityfornow Follow

@rollertrack

🎥 rollertrack Follow

Oh hi. I’m here. I just don’t post a lot anymore I’m mostly here to send memes to people in DMs.

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Can you help defend me from these people who tease me

🎥 rollertrack Follow

I always got your back, man 🙌🏼 But tbh it’s kind of funny how you aren’t figuring out who people are 😝 Some of these are so easy, and it’s people who I personally don’t talk to a lot either irl!

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Come on man… give me some hints

14 notes

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

At the convention now and I found a nice pin that suited me 💜

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

I love that so much! Wish I could have gone to the convention with you!

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

Have you found any pin for me?

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

I found three pins, all that I think represent us three specifically. Guess which one is yours

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

Please tell me you’re not at the starcon…

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

Oh i’m at the starcon! I’m not cosplaying or anything like that, and I’m into more niche things that I wouldn’t find here in the first place… however, I often end up finding something interesting, something I didn’t think I wanted. Like those pins, or sometimes VHS tapes of old stuff that are impossible to find, or are impossible to find with that dub.

Why? Are you there?

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

She is. She could go without even asking but not me because my dad can’t have control over her, but he refuses to let me do anything…

She’s also in cosplay >:3

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

I’m not in cosplay!!

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

She’s in cosplay ;) You’ll know exactly that it’s her when you see her

28 notes

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Hey I found something interesting while at the con!

I have no idea what the actual babygirls are in that competition but I vote for @rollerskatingonthemoon

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

In that case I vote for you back! 😜

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Yay may the best babygirl win!! 😍

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Why are you two like this

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

ÁMBAR IS A BABYGIRL TOO!!! VOTE FOR HER!!

💍 queenoftherink Follow

See this is why I don’t go to these cons. They make people weird.

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

You’re missing out, we’re cosplaying Team Rocket right now and you would have made a perfect Meowth 😹

44 notes

🥸 jeremias-realperson Follow

If my stepdaughter walks out in an astronaut outfit and cat ears, and having a spacy makeup, should I be concerned about that?

Or is it just the latest fashion?

0 notes

💅🏼 ja-jazmin Follow

I have a new video idea 😁 And I wanna ask you guys here before I ask people irl.

For people with uteruses: If you told your parents you were pregnant today, how would they react?

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

*wrecks the entire house in an angry rampage* ”WHAT?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!”

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

”Oh, who’s the father? Ha! Don’t tell me, it was just some random one, huh?”

Then she’d kind of accept it but make comments about me probably being unfit to raise a child (she tried to murder 3 people so idk if she’s the best example of how to be a good mother anyway)

💍 queenoftherink Follow

”I am going to assume you know what you’re doing, and that this was planned. I can provide you a room if you need to, but you have the responsibility yourself.”

It’s funny that I think that because

I live in a mansion with lots of rooms. I could be pregnant with quadruplets and everyone would have their own room

She doesn’t live here anymore

I guess I am just thinking more how she’d react back when she was the owner of the mansion. Like if she didn’t react like that then she’d maybe be supportive and then when the baby is born she tries to get custody of it or at least force me to live with her so she can be close to the child and influenser it.

But today I guess she’d just be like ”I’m happy” or something. She’s going through therapy. So am I because of the fact that she didn’t until now 😀👍

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

”Oh that’s great, sweetie. Want a cookie?”

(Then we would not discuss it more)

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

I think my parents would be very happy for me, although because of my young age they’d act a bit cautious. But, they’d always be supportive ☺️ If the pregnancy was planned, I think they’d trust me that I’m ready, and if the pregnancy was unplanned, I think they’d support me in whatever choice I make about it.

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

”Congratulations! Have you planned this for long? Do you know the donor?”

(in my case, I’d have to plan it and use a donor)

📸 felicityfornow Follow

Mom: ”You’re kidding! No!” *hugs me* ”Ok! Have you planned it? When’s the due date? Have you picked out a name? Have you bought everything for the nursery? Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? And you know the father is the father? No I’m just asking, sometimes I wonder if your dad is your dad… no, I didn’t cheat on him, but you know… maybe you were switched at birth.”

Dad: ”HI PREGNANT, I’M DAD! Oh, but wait, is it granddad now? No, because it’s YOU who is pregnant and YOU are my daughter, so yes, correct response…”

And bonus: My mom’s wife

”Aww, kisses in the air! Kisses at your belly! Wow! Maybe the child actually is red haired this time, we all thought you would be, but then your dad’s genes got too strong… or I don’t know.”

58 notes

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Last night I dreamt I got triplets, and I made teeny tiny beanies for them.

Anyway anyone wanna make triplets with me? 🥹

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

I’m up for adopting triplets and we can raise them together as best friends who are co-parents 😂 Like your cousin and his band

💍 queenoftherink Follow

I’m up for having 3 children with you (although I’d settle with 2 tbh) but not at ONCE

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Ok but… hear me out…

You two, and another person, are surrogates who give birth at the same time and then I’ll take all the babies and dress them up in beanies

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Yeah no, either get me pregnant and expect ONE child per pregnancy, or raise adopted children with Luna as your platonic co-parent

💅🏼 ja-jazmin Follow

Wait, why can’t he get Luna pregnant? 🤔

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

I don’t want to

💅🏼 ja-jazmin Follow

But why not? I thought you liked him 😉

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Jazmin, to keep this as simple as possible:

Luna and Simón are best friends and despite trying out some romance in the past, that’s all. They are very close and always will be close, but platonically. That’s why they won’t try for a baby, because they don’t have that relationship. If they raise a child it will be as platonic co-parents. And that child would most likely be adopted.

But me? Well… 😏

… Simón, actually, you wanna try for triplets? I can’t promise anything but come to my room in an hour

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

Yay I can be a nanny for the potential triplets then 😁 Or one kid. Or twins.

💍 queenoftherink Follow

And Luna please leave the house for an hour or two

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Glad we solved this 🥳

Actually now I’m just excited if I end up with one kid 🤩

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Ok guys tmi

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Your existence is tmi

27 notes

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

I’m sure I can even turn straight girls a little sapphic 😏 /hj

📸 felicityfornow Follow

Hmm, has it ever happened?

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

Well we can start with you. When you wanted to promote my singing and you just wrote a long poem about how my voice takes you to other worlds…

I was very flattered but also you turned into Sappho’s descendant with your descriptions 🙃

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Wait a minute…

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

Wuh-oh

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Is this Luna’s secret side blog? Why else would Nina write about her singing?

Has Luna been dating Jim all this time?! And she fooled me by saying she ”barely interacted with me” to put me on the wrong path of figuring it out

✌🏼 arodarmivida Follow

HELP no i’m not dating Luna

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

Matteo is gonna go through every person ever before even considering me

📸 felicityfornow Follow

At this point, I'm wondering if Matteo's gonna find out in the most unexpected and random way.

17 notes

[papa-rhys]

Thoughts on Jack and His Borderline Personality Disorder and How It Shows Through His Behaviour - Because I Cannot Stop Analysing Things That Ultimately Aren’t Important

Symptoms/behaviours under the cut because holy hell this guy has a lot of them. Like, honey, are you okay?

Okay, so I’m pretty sure I can trace Jack’s BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) back to his grandmother. His mum abandoned him, which shows a reckless/irresponsible behaviour and her mum had fits of rage that didn’t correlate at all with the trigger (ie; drowning Jack’s cat because he didn’t make his bed). So I think he has a family history of it, with both his mother and grandmother having BPD and passing it down to him.

Either way, Jack definitely has it. In fact, he’s a textbook case of it.

Impulsivity

Spending sprees: he bought a pony made of diamonds because he was bored and throws money at all kinds of ventures to keep him occupied and because he wants to. I really don’t know how else to describe this one lol. He bought a pony. Made of diamonds. Because he could.

Gambling: won some of the things on his trophy shelf through poker and owns an entire casino. Hunting the Vaults themselves were a huge gamble too, especially the first two, since he wasn’t truly sure that they existed. He was prepared to sacrifice a lot in order to come out on top in both his career and his social standing. All in all, he’s reckless.

Binge eating: he doesn’t even like pretzels, but still eats them because he’s either bored or stressed. Talks about food quite a bit in conversation, too, especially his cravings.

Substance abuse: admits to being high on uppers for the duration of the pre sequel (and his time on Elpis as a whole) and tells further anecdotes about drugs and getting high in tftbl.

Promiscuity/unsafe sex: nothing about having sex with Nisha is safe lol. But in all seriousness, there’s no way to prove this one. He does strike me as the reckless sex sort though. No proof, just 7 years of knowing him as a character.

Emotional instability

Inappropriate trigger response: he strangles a man to death for simply mentioning his wife, stabs Lilith for talking about Angel, and tries to kill Rhys for not being sure about his grand plan (more on this later). His response to triggers is disproportionate, often resulting in extreme anger over small things that don’t warrant that intense of a reaction. He gets big angry about almost everything; there’s no middle ground. His reaction is never really “you’re annoying me a lot” or “don’t talk about that, I don’t like it.” His reaction to almost everything is “oh my god I will murder your first born child how dare you-”

Quickly changing mood: aside from being prone to fits of rage at the flick of a switch, Jack also flicks back to “normal” pretty quickly, too. He flips between telling you to kill yourself after surviving the train and then talks casually about his day. He’ll be filled with rage after Angel’s death and then suddenly he’s laughing about you jumping into lava and having fun tricking you into visiting his grandmother. He can be intensely angry or sorrowful one moment and then nonchalant and sociable the next. His moods don’t last very long.

Idolisation/devaluation

Jack does this with numerous people across the games, but the two shining examples are Moxxi and Rhys; Rhys being the most notable. He idolises Moxxi, complimenting her on how attractive she is and how smart she is and including her in his circle of close friends/teammates. Then the inevitable happens and she lets him down and he instantly changes his opinion on her as if he’d never thought she was good to begin with. The same happens with Rhys. Throughout tftbl, Jack is best friends with Rhys and seems to form a one-sided connection with him where he idolises him and thinks they’re going to be best friends for ever and that they’re the perfect team. You cannot make him mad at you in tftbl (trust me, I’ve tried). He’s encouraging to Rhys the whole way through, like they’re brothers. Then the second Rhys displays doubts about something Jack is passionate about, Jack reacts violently and completely devalues Rhys, claiming him to be his mortal enemy and trying to kill him. People with BPD do this often. They have strong convictions and have a tendency to feel betrayed by people who go against those convictions. Jack does this regularly and it leads to the breakup of a lot of his relationships.

Paranoia

He vented a room full of scientists into space, just in case. I mean, that pretty much sums it up, really. Jack is under a lot of stress at this point in the game and stress-induced paranoia is a particularly difficult symptom of BPD. With him already feeling the pressure, the mention of a possible mole is a huge trigger for Jack. Especially since he’s reeling from the recent betrayal from a friend. His brain is already working over time, planting uneasy feelings of distrust and being unsafe. So when he’s presented with the idea from an outside source, he runs with it. Betrayal goes on to become a big button to push in Jack’s life to the extent that he actively betrays people before they get a chance to betray him (ie; killing Wilhelm). Paranoia feeds into a lot of Jack’s bad decisions, particularly in the pre sequel era.

Delusion

Jack wasn’t lying when he told us that he’s the hero. He absolutely was not the hero at all, but he wasn’t lying about it. Because lying about something implies that you know it’s not true, and Jack genuinely believes he’s a good person. The best person, in fact. It’s not a lie because in his mind, it’s the god given truth. He’s massively delusional, even before the events of the pre sequel. He’ll spout all the cheesy 80s movie lines about saving the moon and being the hero and he thinks he’s the protagonist of his own big adventure. We know that’s not what’s happening, but Jack doesn’t see it that way. Another delusion is the idea he has about how much everyone loves him. He thinks Moxxi is obsessed with him and he thinks Angel is being forced to work against him. He cannot conceive of a world in which people don’t like him or agree with him. Because why wouldn’t they agree with him? He’s the hero. Everybody loves the hero...

Intense but unstable relationships

Moxxi, Angel, Lilith, the Vault Hunter; I could go on. Jack’s relationships with people are volatile and rocky, even when they’re seemingly on the same side like with Moxxi or even Nisha (who he forms a tight bond with very quickly). People with BPD feel all emotions intensely, which causes a roller coaster. Jack really likes Moxxi, but then he doesn’t want to talk to her, but then he wants her on the team, but then he gets mad at her for calling him a pet name and beign friendly, and then he’s telling her she’s sexy, and then he’s cursing her, and then he’s hanging pictures of her in his casino. It’s the same with Angel - he subjects her to physical torture, then he loves her, then he’s mad at her for helping the Vault Hunter, then he’s doting on her, then he’s manipulating her, then he’s grieving for her. Everything is a whirlwind.

Distorted self-image

Oh boy. Jack has this physically and mentally. Mentally in the sense that he thinks he’s a good person when he actions are abhorrent and also because he’s massively insecure. BPD often comes with a lack of identity, which causes insecurity to begin with. Throw that in a pot alongside some childhood abuse, betrayal, work place bullying, and grief, and you got yourself a big pot of insecurity soup. Put plainly, Jack doesn’t really know who he is at his baseline. His personality and interests and ideas and needs all change on an hourly basis. He morphs to suit his circumstances. He can be open, honest and down to earth when he’s trying to trick Rhys. He can be full of worry and desperation when he needs you to head to grandma’s house. He can be cunning and clever when he’s tricking you into killing Wilhelm. He can be fatherly, he can be nasty, he can be torturous, he can be laid back, he can be clever, he can be ignorant, he can be sheepish, he can be cocky. He’s everyone and no one all at once and this probably leaves him feeling very hollow and empty; which is another symptom of BPD. In the physical sense, Jack issues with self image are pretty clear. He wears a face over his face to hide his face. Yup. And he does this because he thinks he’s disgracefully ugly. This scar he’s so vehemently protective of is something that defines his whole persona going forward. He literally claims himself as Handsome Jack, forcing people to adhere to the idea that he’s so attractive that it should be his title. Even though he doesn’t feel that way and does everything he can to hide the real him. He thinks he’s hideous and he struggles between loving himself and hating himself because of it.

Fear of abandonment

Aaaand here we are at the crux of the problem. BPD boils down to the intense fear of abandonment and this is probably what guides Jack for most of his life. His father died, his mother literally abandoned him, his grandmother neglected him, his first wife died, second wife left, girlfriend and friends betrayed him, and daughter killed herself to get away from him. Abandonment is practically coded into Jack’s DNA at this point and every time it happens, it confirms his fears more. He clings to Moxxi after she betrays him - taking her ideas to try and rile her up and even going as far as to recreate her entire bar in his casino because he wants to keep her presence around. He fights tooth and claw against Angel’s rebellion, begging both her and you to stop what you’re doing and leave. The only time he begs you is when he’s facing perceived abandonment, that’s how strong the fear is. His final words to Angel are “I’ll still forgive you.” Jack isn’t a forgiving man by any stretch, but he’ll say anything he has to in order to prevent her from leaving him. He’ll stalk people, he’ll manipulate them, he’ll lie to them or keep them physically locked up - all to prevent them from abandoning him. The worst possible thing that could happen to Jack is that, and we see the spiral he slips into after Angel. After Moxxi. After the Meriff. After his wife. He can’t bare the thought of someone leaving him and he’ll do anything and everything to prevent his fears becoming a reality.

So yeah! There it is, I finally got around to posting it lol. There’s probably a lot more little details that I’ve forgotten, but I cannot think of them right now. I’ll probably update if I think of any more! The tl;dr is that almost all of Jack’s behaviour can be linked to massively untreated BPD. He needed meds and therapy, but he didn’t get them and he spiralled as a result.

[miss-americanbi]

There’s a certain grace surrounding my grandmother’s house that’s hard to define. Never once has it known a stranger, down there on its quaint, country road. The dogwoods and beech trees create an inviting canopy of shade where all are welcome, all are invited to stay for dinner, all are gifted great company, a good story or two, and a piece of pie for the journey home. It backs up to the horse runs, and every morning without fail, four curious ponies come begging for apple cores and peppermints. Though the inside may be dated by today’s standards, it’s halls ring with laughter, the air fresh with the smell of summer.

Growing up, I dreamed of owning that house one day. Sure, it may not be close to any big cities or be in a town anyone could consider a tourist destination, but I didn’t care. Preserving that house after my grandparents left this earth was worth it. But as I got older and began to find myself—coming out as queer in the process—that dream became more and more unobtainable. Because that house, the place of my childhood summers, is in a state where gay marriage was not legalized until Obergefell v. Hodges back in 2015.

Due to the recent bout of conservative judicial restraint by the Supreme Court, cases allowing same-sex marriage, interracial marriage, and consensual sodomy are in danger. Decades-long precedents are being overturned and because so many of the aforementioned rights have not been codified into federal law, millions of Americans—especially in the South—are in danger of losing their rights, myself included.

If Obergefell is overturned, my grandmother’s house would stay empty. I would not be able to share a place so full of peace and light with a partner of the same sex. It wouldn’t matter if we wanted to give back to the community, it wouldn’t matter if we wanted to live a slow and quiet life, it wouldn’t matter if we were in love. We would be criminals, illegal, seen as less than when just a few years prior, what was in our pants didn’t void a loving relationship. As much as I’ve dreamed of making my home in that house, I couldn’t put a partner of mine through that.

So here I sit in my grandmother’s backyard, typing this out in the shade of those beeches and dogwoods, watching my favorite palomino horse graze lazily in the golden, evening light. I would be lying if I said my heart wasn’t breaking a little. Of course, the South is where I was born, where I was raised, and I’m not letting go without a fierce fight. But until our right to love as human beings is codified and protected, my hope to one day own my grandmother’s house will remain just that, a dream in the back of my mind.

[bumbleboarhd]

Where The Wild Things Are (2009) - Crumby review #1

Hello! Thank you for reading this review! In these reviews I will try to encapsulate what I loved or hated in a piece of media. At the end, instead of giving it a score I’ll compare it to a food or a specific taste and experience. Enjoy!

The first time I saw this film was my freshman year of college. I was severely depressed and spent most of my days grinding through movies I’d always wanted to watch but never got the chance to. I can’t remember what specifically inspired me to watch this one in particular. I was interested in the film when I was a kid but never got the chance to see it. It could’ve been some podcast or video essay but either way this movie captivated me back then. There was no doubt in my mind that I was watching something truly special. I couldn’t quite verbalize it at the time but the movie resonanted with some forgotten part of me. 

Well, it’s been 5 years and lucky for me but unlucky for you. I now have the capacity to verbalize why this movie slaps! This film is an enigma. When most directors are given the chance to adapt a childens book they usually choose to either expand on the initial work while staying recognizable or do the same plot but pad it out with humor or OCs voiced by whoever is popular at the time. WTWA is definitely the former rather than the latter. Spike Jonze (who I was shocked to learn was asked to make a children’s film) examines the themes of the original book and shows them to us not as they actually were but as we remembered them. It captures the duality of childhood especially for those of us that grew up emotionally unsatiated. The parents are overworked and tired, the siblings are bored and apathetic, and we the child want all the attention but are also repulsed by the world around us. Max wants his mother’s attention but can’t understand that she’s barely making ends meet and is exhausted. He throws temper tantrums and demands to be looked at with authority but cannot handle any repercussions. This is all expected because Max is a literal child. The film isn’t trying to punish max nor does it seem interested in criticizing him. Max does face consequences but it doesn’t feel like watching veggie tales or my little pony where there’s an unseen moral inquisitor making sure everyone suffers. In this film it feels natural and like the characters are truly making organic decisions. Max is confronted by monsters who mimick his ego and through this confrontation he realizes what he needs to change in his own life. The best part of all of this is it’s done through subtle storytelling. A lot of Max’s feelings and actions are only explained through visuals, there’s no exact moment when a character just says the point of why everything is happening. Nor, is there a moment where Max just says “This is the lesson I learned”. It truly feels like the film is trying to present and define elements of the human experience that are intangible. It’s more about the emotions and thoughts that are evoked than it is about bringing the viewer to one unified answer. There is no perfect phrase for when you know you’ve gone too far but can’t apologize or when you go from an emotional high to a sadness that leaves you nonverbal and sobbing. the cinematography helps to support this goal of portraying rampant whimsy married with brutal emotional unruliness. We get tons of wide shots filled with negative space and the film is not afraid to let the camera linger for just the right amount of time. The opening of the film is a perfect punch in the face to introduce us to Max. It was honestly one of the best looking movies I’ve seen in a while. The cgi faces of the monsters took a bit to get used to but props on them for using actual constumes for the most part. 

 I found the characters to be off putting at first with their super laidback manner of speech but soon I warmed up to them. The film even got several verbal chuckles out of me which is a good sign! Not that I’m a hard nut to crack lol. Max’s acting was absolutely superb. I’m too lazy to look up if this kid was nominated for anything but this has got to be one of the most realistic portrayals of a troubled child in film and there are A LOT of troubled children in film. The ost was phenomenal except for a few licensed songs that just felt too generic for me. “Hideaway” is a hood classic ofc but some of the other songs were just too on the nose. Any time I heard an indie musician scream as Max was getting angry I cringed. Lastly, while I would suggest anyone reading this to watch the film, I can’t really reccommend it for children. I don’t agree that it’s inappropriate but I don’t think they’d really get it. This film is more like Boyhood, Eighth Grade, or The Florida Project, where the point is moreso to look at childhood in retrospection than to explain these feelings to children. Those are my thoughts at least, I’m not a parent yet haha! 

I’d consider this movie a subtle and masterfully crafted parfait you have on a lonely stroll through the city. The beginning of your day was full of dissappointments and all your plans fell through. The museum is closed and your friends forgot any plans you may have made. You think about just heading home and calling the day a bust, but on your way to the car you see a cute, humble, diner having a sale on desserts. You decide to treat yourself and partake. Plus, it’s been a while since you ate out and payday was yesterday so it won’t hurt too bad. The line moves too fast and you get anxious when the cashier asks for your order. So you pick a random parfait. Great, another dissappointment. You go to an outside table and sit. At first, you feel angry at yourself. This was the one mistake you could’ve controlled but you failed like you always do. You grab a spponful of your food expecting something that’s ok but not as good as it could’ve been. You’re wrong, the parfait is not too sweet but not underwhelming either. It’s just enough to kep you chasing for more. Your cheeks feel flush and for the first time all day your body is able to relax. You keep digging into your cup taking bite after bite riding this high of creamy sweetness. In this pursuit, you feel happy but before you know it there’s no parfait left. Usually you’d get mad at yourself for eating too fast but then it hits your stomach. You feel like a boulder. There’s no way you can get up now, so you stay and watch the cityscape. You see a nervous couple on a date. You can tell it must be a first one becuase they keep chattering away stealing the silence with nervous yet authentic banter. They seem truly happy. You see a child walking with their father. the kid trips and scrapes their knee. As they look up towards their dad it seems like a meltdown is imminent. Tears are sloshing down and their face is turning to a violent shade of red, resembling that of a scared and dejected yet powerful stop sign but the dad is able to make enough silly faces and noises to bring the kid back to a state of happiness. watching this reminds you of when you were a kid. You feel the cold autmn breeze pass through you and dance through the trees, bringing that nostalgic autumn scent with it. You realize it’s been a while since you’ve had a moment like this to yourself. A moment to just be. It feels nice, today was nice. 

Thank you for reading this! It took a lot of motivation lol. Look forward to more and have a Happy Valentines Day! 

[amxranthiine]

c i c a t r i z e (aragorn x reader) pt. ii

cicatrize (v.) to find healing by the process of forming scars. Pronouns: She/Her 

 A/N: Welcome to part two! I’ve been working on this part for three days and it was getting a little long, so I saved Weathertop for chapter three. This chapter is 2.7k (or more) words. I hope you enjoy! Warnings: Some swearing, alcohol consumption, Nazgûl, the usual. Summary: Y/n is Aragorn’s childhood best friend. However, when they got older, Y/n’s feelings towards her long time friend changed, but he is infatuated with the Evenstar. Out of heartbreak, she leaves Rivendell and sets off on her own, leaving her love and all she ever knew. When Elrond’s Council takes place, Y/n is forced back to her home and everything she ever knew.

⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙  Present Time Y/n POV Ale dribbled down my chin as I gulped down what seemed to be my hundredth Pint. In truth, I lost count after my... sixth? Seventh? I needed to drink away my sorrows after the day I had. I received a letter from Gandalf the Grey when the sun was at it’s peak, babbling on about the One Ring, how it was in the hands of a Hobbit named Baggins, and how I needed to make my way to the Prancing Pony in Bree as soon as possible. And, of course, that I needed to keep a look out for the Hobbit in the Prancing Pony, and bring him to Rivendell. What a way to start the day, I had only awoken not an hour prior!

Gods, I needed a drink. After the initial shock of knowing that the One Ring had indeed been found, I, not so happily, packed my few possessions into a warn out bag and went on my merry way.  After leaving Rivendell almost seven decades ago, I had travelled all across Middle Earth, never staying in one place for too long. Though it’s been sixty-seven years since I left my entire life behind (in more than one way), I was still frightened- or was it ashamed? Ashamed. Yes, that was it. I was ashamed of how I left, why I left. Just leaving everything I’ve ever known because I was jealous and heartbroken. Over a guy! Only, he wasn’t just any guy. Yes, he is. I am and have been over him. Are you absolutely positive? No. Exactly.  Fine, I admit! But how could I get over someone I’ve known since I learned how to walk? Not so easily, it seems. Perhaps that was why I was sulking in the Prancing Pony, downing ale after ale, trying to ignore the pure dread of having to see him again. Maybe he won’t be there? Maybe his adventures led him elsewh- My “what if’s” and “maybe’s” were cut short by a large shadow looming over me. Peering up at the owner of said shadow with the mug raised to my lips, I nearly choke at the sight. There he is, the man who has haunted my dreams for sixty-seven years. And, oh Valar, he aged like the finest Mirkwood wine. Sobering up immediately, I quickly placing the mug on the table and wipe my mouth with my sleeve, I greet him with a quiet “Hello?” Though, it sounds more like a question.

He doesn’t greet me in return, much to my pleasure. He just gestures to the seat next to me. “May I?” I numbly nod, though my eyes don’t leave him. Once he is seated, I glance down at my hands and take a deep breath. “What are you doing here, Aragorn?” My tone takes him off guard, it’s cold, hostile. As if I was talking to a stranger, which, in a way, he was. His face holds nothing but shock, with traces of hurt within the grey depths of his eyes. “Business from Gandalf,” Aragorn mumbles as he waves down a waitress. I look at him again, but this time I notice everything that’s changed about him. His hood is up, covering his eyes for all but me. His face is more defined, and there is a trace of stubble along his sharp jaw. He’s buffer, too. His muscles are prominent even under his many layers of clothing. I would be a liar if I said he didn’t look good. However, he also looked... nostalgic. Memories upon memories rushed to the front of my brain as I relived what we used to be.  Oh, Mandos, I think I’m catching feelings. Again. “It’s been a while, Y/n.” I blink, looking away from him with a blush. You foolish woman, Y/n! He most definitely knows you were checking him out.  Clearing my throat, I simply say “Yeah,” and look around for the Hobbit I’m supposed to be watching for. I could his gaze burning into the side of my head, watching my intently.  “You left without saying goodbye,” he mentions with an edge to his tone. I sigh and close my eyes, I really didn’t want to have this conversation right now. Or ever. Never would be good.  “Didn’t think you’d care.” I said, shrugging. Good going, Y/n. Is that really the only intelligent thing you could come up with in that tiny head of yours? In my peripheral vision I see him tense, and his eyes widen considerably. What did he expect me to say? That I was sorry for leaving all those years ago? That I was so desperately in love with him that the sight of him embracing Arwen Undómiel was too much to bear? No, my pride could never admit that, especially not now. “You didn’t think I would care? Y/n, are you ins-” Aragorn starts with what sounds like a hiss.  I hold my finger up to shush him as four Hobbits walk into the Inn, soaked to the bone. The leader, a tall-ish Hobbit with curly black hair, approaches the bar and I can practically feel the evil radiating off of him in waves. I knew he was the one I was looking out for, he was Baggins.  Aragorn gives me a ‘we will talk about this later’ look, yet still follows my gaze. His body language changes drastically when he spots the small men and I instantly know we were sent here for the same reason. “Gandalf sent us on the same quest, it seems.” I mumble as my eyes follow the Hobbit’s every move. Something was... off about them, ignoring the presence of the Ring. They seemed nervous, as though they were waiting for someone. Baggins, or Underhill, as he was called, looked exhausted. The true weight of the Ring was finally making itself known.  As the four sat down at a table in the middle of the room, my eyes wandered over Underhill’s companions. The blonde next to him was on the bigger side, he had unruly curls as all Hobbits do, and he seemed the to the more cautious one out of his companions. The two across from him carried a carefree and youthful energy, both with almost golden hair.  The blonde one looked around the room with distrust before his eyes landed on Aragorn and I. We were watching them carefully, Aragorn had his pipe in his mouth, and I held my mug snuggly within my fingers. I suppose our watchful gazes set off alarms in the small Hobbit’s head. He elbowed Underhill and whispered something to him, nodding his head towards the two of us. Underhill eyed us, I could see the suspicion and fear growing within him as he took in our appearances. Suddenly, he gestured to Butterbur as he passed by, and over the loudness of the Inn, I barely heard him ask, “The two in the corner, who are they?” Butterbur glanced at us warily before replying, “They’re two of them Rangers; dangerous folk they are, wandering the wilds. What their right names are, I’ve never heard, but round here they’re known as Strider and Randir.” Underhill looked at us again, “Strider and Randir,” he seemed to whisper as he nervously played with something under the table. Time seemed to slow as the younger one of the golden haired Hobbits seemed to yell for all the world to hear, “Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins!” Every pair of eyes flew to the young Hobbit, but he seemed oblivious for he kept speaking.  “He’s over there, Frodo Baggins!” He pointed to Underhill, “He’s my second cousin, once removed, on his mother’s side and my third cousin, twice removed on his father’s side... if you follow me.” I sighed deeply and watched as Frodo raced to the golden haired boy, gripping his arm and shouting, “Pippin!” “Steady on, Frodo!” Pippin says, then pushes Frodo away. Frodo stumbled back, losing his balance on one of the many pairs of feet crowded around him. He falls, the Ring flying out of his pocket as gravity takes control. Aragorn and I watch with steady eyes, we could not let anyone near the small, childlike creatures. You never know who may be a spy, waiting, like a jaguar, for the precise moment to pounce. A small hand reaches out to grab the evil jewel, but it just slips through his fingers a moment too late. I wince as Frodo hits the ground, a loud “oomph!” leaving his mouth at impact. Though, my eyes never leave the jewel that seems to be calling my name, tugging at my heartstrings, as it made it’s graceful down a child sized finger.  The owner of said finger was none other than Frodo, and the entire Inn gasped in horror as he vanished from sight. There is complete silence for a moment, and Aragorn and I jolt up, preparing ourselves for the chaos that is to come. And chaos it is. Excited, and slightly horrified, chatter explodes throughout the Prancing Pony. I look to each of the Hobbits once more. The blonde hobbit is as pale as a ghost, looking deathly ill with panic. Pippin, who seemed to realize his folly quickly, sobers up quickly. The unnamed one seems to be a mix of the two, a look of complete and utter bewilderment clear as day on his features. Aragorn and I spot Frodo as he reappears in a dark corner, shaking like a leaf and as pale as the wraiths that hunt him. Hidden in the shadows, we stride over to him, unseen by all in the Inn. The man reaches him first, however, and grabs Frodo by the cloak and drags him up the stairs to a dark room. “You draw far too much attention to yourself.. Mr. Underhill.” Aragorn hisses. I roll my eyes at his actions. “You could have been a little kinder to the poor boy, look at him! He looks like he’s seen Sauron himself.” I point out with a small grin, but it vanishes in a second with the look Frodo gives me. It was wide eyed, portraying the terrifying truth in my words. He had, indeed, seen Sauron himself. Aragorn ignores my statement and draws the attention back to himself as he looms over Frodo. “What do you want?” The quiver in the Hobbit’s voice is prominent when he asks this. Estel turns away for a moment to put out the bright and blazing candles. “A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry.” He replies.  “I carry nothing,” Frodo lies. I watch the situation with interest, though I say nothing. The terror of the Ring was clearly effecting him, and having Aragorn and I practically kidnap him was likely not helping. “Indeed?” The taller man hums. “I can avoid being seen if I wish. But to disappear entirely? That is a rare gift.” He states as he finally reveals his face and the mess that is his hair. I gape at him as I take in his aged features, this time I really inspect him. His grey eyes, his lips, his hair...  He was seemingly flawless. Stop it, you stupid girl! You have a task at hand! Shaking my head to clear those impeccably true thoughts, I barely hear Frodo whisper, “Who are you?” “Are you frightened?” This time, it was I who spoke, bringing the attention of both males to me. I say those words with a slight edge to my tone, and it could sound like mockery if we weren’t currently in a dire situation.  Frodo looks me dead in the eyes. “Yes,” he says honestly, I almost laugh. “Not nearly frightened enough,” I uttered lowly, and narrowed my eyes. “We know what hunts you.” Aragorn adds, making me grimace. The Nazgûl were nasty, terrible creatures who should have stayed dead and rotting in their tombs. A noise from the corridor bursts our eerie bubble, and the three of us jump towards the door.  In come three determined Hobbits carrying a chair, a candlestick and fists as weapons. I had to admit, their bravery was to be commended. The blonde one bellowed, “Let him go or I’ll have you, Longshanks!” I couldn’t help it, but I burst into laughter, giggles spewing from my mouth as I recounted what just happened. Maybe it was the ale, or maybe the fact that I haven’t spent more than thirty minutes in another persons presence in sixty-seven years, but that comment was the funniest shit I’ve heard in a long time. Everyone in the room turned towards me with bewilderment and confusion written all over them, making me laugh even harder. I had tears rolling down my face and my cheeks and stomach hurt from my sudden chortling.  After a few moments, my hysterics died down a bit, demoting themselves to light chuckles every so often. “I- I’m sorry,” I babbled. “Please, go on,” I smiled and waved my hand in a dismissive manner. The five men looked utterly disturbed and puzzled, but it was Aragorn who finally said something, though it was quite dark and ominous. “You have a stout heart, little Hobbit, but that alone won’t save you.” He turned to Frodo, “You can no longer wait for the Wizard, Frodo. They are coming.” After that we quickly devised a plan, and quietly made our way to the Hobbits room and stuffed pillows under the sheets to make it look like little people sleeping. Then, we grabbed all of their packs and brought them to Aragorn’s room, and we waited for the inevitable.  It had to have been two hours of silence before a single word was said by any of us. The Hobbits had already gone to bed, snuggled side by side on the large mattress. Aragorn and I sat across from each other by the window, watching for any sign of the dark servants.  I was playing with my dagger, twirling it between my fingers and stabbing it into the wood of the window sill, lost in my many degrading thoughts.  “Why did you leave?” Aragorn finally asked. I looked up to see him watching me intently. I stilled, dumbfounded. Out of all the things he could have said, he asked that? Gracious me, we are supposed to be watching out for the Black Riders, not sharing sob stories!  Trying to think of a semi-intelligent, semi-vague answer, I finally came up with “My heart led me elsewhere.” It wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the truth. Before he could respond, however, I spot four Nazgûl riding into Bree. “Aragorn,” I call out and point to them as they make their way inside. The air thickens as heavy footsteps come up the stairs. I hold my breath, as does Aragorn, even the Hobbits seemed to stop breathing. Please, Valar, let us go unnoticed. It seems fate was feeling generous, the Ringwraiths strut right into the trap. And they stab. Over and over again, right into the pillows we set up just for them. I wince when I realize that it have very well been the Hobbits in place of those pillows if we hadn’t done something. Suddenly a deadly screech fills the air, followed by three others. No doubt they discovered the trap, and were positively pissed. I listen intently as they fled the Inn, and as they mounted their black steeds and left Bree, I hear multiple identical screams in the distance. My shoulders drop and I instantly breathe a sigh of relief. It worked. Our plan worked.  “What are they?” Frodo’s quiet voice questions from behind me. I look back to see him wide awake and seated on the edge of the bed. “They were once Men. Great Kings of Men. Then Sauron the deceiver gave to them Nine Rings of Power. Blinded by their greed, they took them without question, one by one falling into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will.” Aragorn answers grimly. Sensing that he wasn’t going to say any more, I add on to his statement. “They are the Nazgûl, Ringwraiths, neither living or dead. At all times they feel the presence of the Ring, drawn to the power of the one...” I trailed off. Our two voices fill the air in unison as we conclude,  “They will never stop hunting you.” ⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙ TAGLIST @entishramblings (please tell me using my ask box if you want to be tagged in future chapters)

[papermonkeyism]

Are mutations like Crippled and Aunt Crom a common thing among hounds? Their designs are among my favorites, but with how hard life is in the crater, aren't hounds unable to hunt well a liability?

Depends how you define common. Like yeah, more common than they would be if their families lived outside of this closed-off land with mutagenic goo, sure. Less common, on average, than the composition of Iacar's pack.

But, you know, I really dislike this kind of thinking. No, they aren't "liability", they are people. They are living characters with their own thoughts and feelings and personalities. Like, what, are you suggesting the hounds would (or should) start murdering their disabled loved ones when times got tough?

And look at the other characters. None of them are emaciated, except for Crippled, who has a medical condition (or few). I very distinctly remember not drawing visible ribs on the other characters. Like, yeah, life is hard, but Iacar still managed to become a mountain of muscle, and has been able to keep it up. Morri lived through a literal famine during his childhood (puphood?), yet he still managed to grow up to the size of a pony.

If they happened across some really trying times, they'd much rather go on a diet and ask help from neighbors and/or relatives than murder their FRIEND.

Besides the hardness of life isn't JUST lack of food, it's also the "local rabbits also consider YOU a food" and like, just don't take aunt Crom with you when you hunt. She can wait back home while the hunters go do their job.

Disabled people can just exist.

[haloud]

day 7- uranus

Michael rolls his head over the back of the lawn chair, closing his eyes, letting all the tension out of his neck and shoulders. Then he blinks his eyes open, staring up at the stars. They’re faint, light pollution from the nearby town, his eyes too unadjusted thanks to the crackling fire at his feet. He’d have to stare straight up for a long time to pick out most of his favorite stars, but the Big Dipper is an old friend, so he’s content.

A car pulls up, and then there are footsteps on the gravel approaching him. He takes a second before looking up. He likes it, that people know they can find him here in the early night. Likes that people do.

“Hey, uh…Michael?”

Michael sits up so fast he cricks his neck at the sound of Max’s voice. Wincing, he rubs it and says, “Well look what the Chupacabra dragged in.”

“Um, yeah,” Max says, doing that awkward thing he does where he rubs the knuckles of both hands together, a nervous habit he’s had most of his life. Michael kicks the chair next to him.

“Sit down, stop hovering.”

Max sits. His long legs sprawl a little too close to the fire, but Michael doesn’t say anything that might get mistaken for nagging, for taking too much care. Anything that might start a fight.

“So I’m guessing you noticed I’ve, uh, not been around a lot lately.”

Michael gropes for a beer from the sixer at his feet and pops it with his brain, taking a deep swig. If Max wants one, he can ask for it, he thinks mulishly, then hands him one anyway.

“You could say that,” Michael says shortly.

“I’m…sorry. I…learned something about our history that I don’t know how to…”

“Oh yeah?” Michael drawls. “’Bout six foot one, beard oil connoisseur, really shitty accent he thinks no one can tell is fake?”

“No, not him. This is something a little closer to home. And I didn’t know how to talk to you about it, so I…but that wasn’t fair to you. Trust me, I’ve heard that plenty from Isobel and Maria. Even Alex dropped by the Pony to give me a piece of his mind.”

“Oh yeah?” Michael says, keeping his voice impressively level. The idea that anyone would stick up for him over Max ignoring him is…not something he knows what to do with.

“Yeah, man. Scary stuff.”

Max laughs without a shred of humor, chugging half his beer at once.

“Okay, now I’m worried,” Michael says. “Just spit it out, man. I’m sure it’s nothing worse than any other shit we’ve dealt with. I am numb to bombshells at this point.”

It’s a long time before Max says anything else. Michael finishes his beer, doesn’t grab another one, just watches the leaping flames in Max’s eyes.

“A few months back when Sheriff Valenti was after me for killing Noah, she sat me down to talk about all the ways I fit the profile. Y’know, uh, white male, 18-40, anger issues...One of those ways was, uh. Troubled childhood. Tried to tell her my childhood was fine, but she pointed out that wandering the desert naked at seven years old isn’t exactly a lack of trouble. Turns out she was the deputy on our case, back then.”

“Huh.”

Explains a few things about the way she used to look at him every time he got hauled in, before she just got used to it.

“She told me that she came to see us in the group home the day Isobel and I were adopted.” Max takes a deep breath.

Stop. Michael wants to tell him to stop. Doesn’t want, doesn’t need to hear what comes next. Doesn’t remember that day, doesn’t have to. He knows, enough, from what people have told him. Can hear the screams, see the red on the walls.

“Good for her,” he grunts.

“She told me that—fuck, Michael, there’s no good way to say this—she said that. That I was the one screaming and drawing on the walls, that you…you calmed me down, but…it was too late, and the Evanses had the wrong idea, and that’s why you were left...” Max chokes off, puts a hand over his eyes. Michael doesn’t have to have his and Isobel’s connection to recognize the awful emotion crushing him.

Michael opens another beer.

“Say something,” Max almost begs.

“Why.”

Michael has to swallow around the lump in his throat, his rabbiting heartbeat.

“Why even tell me this? What fucking good does it do? I can’t—you can’t—nobody can change what happened, even if I believe you—”

“You deserved to know.”

“I wish you hadn’t told me. Since when does the world give a fuck about what I deserve?”

Max flinches. It doesn’t make Michael feel any better. Just like putting a fist in his face wouldn’t make him feel better, and neither would screaming at the world for not being fair. He did a lot of that when he was a child and still believed in a few things that might be listening.

He doesn’t take another beer, if only because only something stronger would put a dent in the feelings he wants to drown, and he doesn’t keep any of that shit around.

“Whatever. It all worked out in the end, yeah? The guy who doesn’t murder people with his hands got the short end of the stick and was therefore responsible for disposin’ of a few less bodies. Highlight of my fuckin’ life, that one. You’re welcome.”

His mind doesn’t go easy on him, whirling with images and thoughts from Max tied to the bed, Max exploding and killing Father Davis to, absurdly, would Alex have ever noticed me if I was preppy Michael Evans. He laughs just to do something with his mouth that isn’t screaming, clenching his left hand into a fist and squeezing the knuckles, though it isn’t as much of a distraction now as it used to be, without the pain.

“Hey, you wanna thank me, make me some business cards—Michael Guerin, mechanic, gravedigger, and total fuckin’ mug—”

He breaks off into more laughter, until he’s bent double, clutching his knees and wheezing.

Max hasn’t said a fuckin’ word.

“Well?” Michael demands, straightening up, looking Max in the eye.

“I don’t know, Michael, I don’t know! I don’t know what to do with any of it, I don’t know what to do with, with you, with everything you’ve sacrificed for Isobel and for me, I don’t know how to be worthy of it, I don’t know how to thank you, I don’t, I don’t know.”

Michael rocks back in his chair, face pointed up at the sky again, drinking in the constellations until he covers his eyes with his hands and lets out a shout of frustration. Everything around them not bolted down lifts and inch and slams back down for emphasis.

Calmer, then, Michael says, “We were seven year old newborns. I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it for gratitude.”

“No, you couldn’t have. Which means you just did it on instinct. It’s just who you are. You protect us, and we, and we…”

“Don’t,” Michael cuts him off, wearily. He doesn’t need to hear any self-recriminations.

“No, Michael, come on. The things you’ve done, the ways you’ve been hurt, you…there aren’t words to describe the gratitude, I just...Thank you, Michael.”

The only sound after that is the crackling fire, and in that silence, Michael floats Max over another beer.

It would be easier if Michael could resent him. If he could want to go back and do it all over again without knowing in a place deep enough in him it could be his cells or a sickness that he’d do the exact same thing, go through all that hell a second time, a third.

“Nobody can change the past,” he says eventually. It’s something Sanders used to say to him any time he made a mistake, when he was just a kid and learning and not a certified ace mechanic who ought to know better. It’s weird, to Michael, right here and right now, having the wisdom of somebody else in his mouth.

This life hasn’t had all bad things.

“But we can try and change the future,” Max says. “I know I’ve done a hell of a job of it these past weeks, but I don’t want to pretend like we don’t know this. I want things to be better between us. I want to be a better brother.”

“Oh yeah? Like how?” Michael’s voice slips into mockery; he doesn’t try to prevent it. “Find me a job that you don’t want? Toss me a hand me down phone when you get an upgrade? Biweekly pity parties? Been there, done that, was given the t-shirt against my will.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe! Just not like that, man, we’re not kids anymore. Maybe we could, I don’t know, try to figure out what being better means together? No more sacrifices. No more charity.”

Michael picks at the label of his latest empty bottle. 

Voice quiet, almost inaudible over the crackle of the fire, Max says, “Dude, my heart only beats because of what you did for me. I came back to life knowing that. This just puts it into perspective.”

“I didn’t do that alone. Liz and Valenti were just as important. More. Rosa kickstarted you. I was just the assist.”

“Michael.” 

“What?”

“What do you need from me? What will help you understand how much you mean to Isobel and me. It’s not charity, man. It’s family. We keep saying that, but I think we need to do a better job defining it, you know?”

What does he need. It’s such a rare question he doesn’t know the answer.

“Free drinks at the Pony for life, a nice, cozy alibi, and your head on a pike instead of mine when Maria finds out.” he says.

Max laughs, the sound strained but genuine, his head thrown back to face the stars.

[dwellordream]

“Daughters’ skirmishes with mothers cut close to the bone, working the borders of identity often blurred by shared location within the home. With their responsibility for the reproduction of domestic roles, mothers lay centrally in the line of command over the lives of their daughters. Of course their authority was shared power—power that originated with wages earned by husbands and fathers.

Traditional patriarchy had been in decline for some time in the late nineteenth century. Without land to disperse, fathers had been losing their authority over their sons’ destinies, and as they moved to cities and took up work outside of the home, fathers were less and less involved in the delegation of work within the home. But in fundamental and important ways, they still ruled.

Those responsible for advising girls on their role in life reminded them of their continuing need to curry favor with fathers —and with reason. The Victorian patriarch could appear unexpectedly, thwarting plans, making pronouncements, breathing moral fire. Yet he was not always successful in these less and less common rulings. When opinion at home had congealed elsewhere—particularly when mothers and daughters agreed—the Victorian patriarch could find his authority hollow. Especially as daughters matured from childhood and found their lives inscribed with the expectations of gender, fathers receded from the line of command, expecting of their daughters, as they did of their wives, not obedience but domestic ministration.

Fathers’ familial responsibility for daughters translated into responsibility for guidance in two particular arenas beyond the walls of the home. Men were responsible for supervising their daughters’ academic education and for assisting them in their studies in religion. This responsibility is well communicated in the kinds of gifts bestowed by fathers on daughters on birthdays—prayer books, writing books, pens, dictionaries, atlases, library subscriptions. Fathers’ responsibilities for higher duties were reflected in their stern communications with daughters at midcentury. Agnes Lee received letters re- inforcing the importance of studies from her father, Robert E. Lee, in the 1850s when she was away at a female seminary.

He took issue with a bit of exuberant homesickness: ‘‘I must take you to task for some expressions in your letter. You say, ‘our only thought, our only talk, is entirely about our going home.’ How can you reconcile that with the object of your sojourn at Staunton! Unless your thoughts are sometimes devoted to your studies, I do not see the use of your being there.’’ It was often fathers to whom daughters recited lessons, and whose words of commendation were particularly meaningful. Fathers’ responsibilities for their daughters’ educations represented a vestigial authority for a family’s competency in the world—and continued when responsibility for other aspects of daughters’ lives had receded.

The same was true, though to a lesser degree, for fathers’ responsibilities for daughters’ souls. Kathryn Kish Sklar has written powerfully about the intertwining strands of patriarchy and evangelical culture which bedeviled Catharine Beecher’s quest for a conversion experience early in the nineteenth century. As mothers took up their newly won roles as moral exemplars, they supplemented but did not replace fathers as the guardians of familial faith. Robert E. Lee encouraged his daughter’s relationship with God as well as her studies, and his daughter wrote back a shy profession of faith, offered to her father as to one to whom it was owed: ‘‘I have something to tell you which I know will make you very happy. It is, I believe both of your daughters are Christians. I am sure Annie is, and O Papa I am resolved to doubt no longer that there has been a great and blessed change wrought in my wicked heart.’’

Though absent from the day-to-day dealings of the household, fathers’ interest in the state of their offsprings’ souls extended to the their moral training as well. Margaret Tileston’s diary, which included financial accounts, also included a moral accounting with her father. ‘‘I told Papa of a lie I told him about a week ago, last Tuesday or Wednesday.’’ It was in such a grave consciousness of his paternal responsibility for the character of his daughter that Albert Browne wrote a long letter to his daughter Nellie as she was preparing to leave school, ending with the admonishment that ‘‘a true christian woman, should make it a religious duty, to blend gentleness and dignity, as to win love, and command respect.’’ Albert Browne had no doubt of his authority over his daughters’ transition to womanhood, just as over other family matters.

…The conservative Ladies’ Home Journal in 1895 attempted to re- affirm masculine authority in what must be seen as a reactionary challenge to feminized domesticity. In reasserting ‘‘The Father’s Domestic Headship,’’ the Reverend Charles H. Parkhurst, D.D., acknowledged a ‘‘great deal of domestic reciprocity’’ but pronounced that ‘‘the husband and father is the point of final determination.’’ He sought an analogy for the moral authority of hus- band and wife in anatomy: ‘‘The bone and sinew of character will probably be a quotation from the father, and the delicate tissue with which it is over- laid will as likely be a bequest from the mother.’’ This late-century contrast between the strong force of paternal dictum with the more diffuse ‘‘tissue’’ of the maternal presence acknowledged a long-standing reality—that absent fathers would need to make their authority felt concisely in worded dictates, rather than through the steady example of a more present maternity.

By 1895, however, when Parkhurst was writing, he was in many ways too late. His assertion of masculine hegemony in the household was regressive— and claimed an authority for fathers in their daughters’ lives that they could not count on. Those girls in the postwar years most likely to reveal their dependency on paternal dictates—for instance, the reformer Jane Addams growing up in the late 1860s and Mary Thomas away at school in Georgia in the 1870s—used their fathers as live models of correct conduct with good reason, for both their mothers were dead. If daughters empowered by the increasing moral authority of their mothers were beginning to feel free to challenge paternal prerogative, fathers themselves showed, over the nineteenth century, a diminishing sense of identification with their daughters.

Fathers like Robert E. Lee and Albert Browne took seriously their paternal responsibility for providing guidance to their maturing daughters, but that guidance often required setting a new form of reference—the inscribing of gender on girls defined previously by their status as children. Albert Browne’s advice to Nellie intended to prepare her for that new station. He reminded her that leaving school would require that she end her time as a ‘‘mere’’ schoolgirl to take her part ‘‘in the drama of life’’ as ‘‘a true woman.’’

Doing so would mean surrendering part of her genetic inheritance, and becoming only part of who she had been. For Browne admonished his daughter to emulate her mother’s qualities of ‘‘mildness and amenity, love and kindness,’’ so ‘‘as to temper and subdue any unruly and unamiable tendencies which may have come to you from your Father.’’ This gendered lesson, of course, was a distancing one which signaled the attenuation of a relationship as well as a stage of life.

Girls who had been accorded the freedom of childhood by fond fathers found this withdrawal of paternal identification to be painful. Writing in the late century, Mary Virginia Terhune recounted such a moment: ‘‘I have now before me the picture of myself at ten years of age, looking up from the back of my pony into my father’s face, as in the course of the morning ride we daily enjoyed together.’’

They had been conversing about politics, and the child had offered an apt analysis. ‘‘My comments called up a smile and a sigh. ‘‘ ‘Ah, my daughter! If you had been born a boy you would be invaluable to me!’’’ Terhune recalled the sense of destiny. ‘‘I hung my head, mute and crushed by a calamity past human remedy or prevention. There is a pain at my heart in the telling that renews the real grief of the moment.’’

Terhune had been taking advantage of a latitude granted to Victorian children of both sexes; she observed that some of ‘‘the finest women, physically and mentally,’’ were ‘‘famous romps in their youth.’’ Such girls, she noted, ‘‘during the tomboy stage lamented secretly or loudly that they were not their own brothers; regrets which were heartily seconded by much-enduring mothers and disappointed fathers.’’

Literary historians have observed that the 1860s saw the emergence of a new literary type—tomboys—who, as Barbara Sicherman has observed, were ‘‘not only tolerated but even admired—up to a point, the point at which they were expected to become women.’’ The extension of the rights to romp and play to girls confirmed their identity as children, a state that often ended surprisingly and arbitrarily, with fathers’ rejections.

Terhune’s memory of paternal humiliation recalls from earlier in the century young Elizabeth Cady [Stanton]’s realization that she could not remain the confidante and paternal protégé she had been as a child. In her perhaps mythic retelling of the tale, that youthful epiphany produced a sense of injury and injustice which would help to fuel the woman’s rights movement itself. Both Stanton and Terhune gained their sense of betrayal from the contrast between their spirited childhoods and their sense of gendered destiny descending to restrict them in their teens.

Mary Virginia Terhune concluded with an admonition to fathers which gave them responsibility for this curtailment of aspiration in the world: ‘‘Your girl wants to help her father and to be of use in the world. Make her feel that a woman’s life is worth living, and that she has begun it. Do not brand her from the cradle, ‘Exempt from field duty on account of physical disability.’’’ For both Stanton and Terhune, it was a shock to discover that life ‘‘as a romp,’’ ‘‘as a half-boy,’’ in fact as a Victorian child, was only temporary, conditional. Their fathers, who often had invited their daughters along in their common round, withdrew that invitation as they approached maturity.

By later in the century, urban fathers were often absent from the beginning of their daughters’ lives, working in shops and offices away from home. When Louisa May Alcott commented on this new order, as she did most pointedly in An Old-Fashioned Girl, she depicted the father of her modern family as absent, ‘‘a busy man, so intent on getting rich that he had no time to enjoy what he already possessed.’’ In a later passage, he ‘‘had been so busy getting rich, that he had not found time to teach his children to love him,’’ neglecting both sons and daughters. His son he ordered ‘‘about as if he was a born rebel,’’ and was always ‘‘lecturing him.’’ His daughters, however, he let ‘‘do just as they liked.’’

By today’s accounting, the Victorian father was notable for the extent to which he assumed and discharged a role as paterfamilias. However, that brief moment (if there ever was one) when fathers presided supremely over a small, nurturant family was in decline as soon as it was constituted. The movement of men’s labor outside of the home also removed them from their role as the preeminent guide and adjudicator of their daughters’ conduct. As women challenged men’s domestic authority, so did men increasingly abdicate, letting go of prerogatives they were not in place to oversee.

Girls remained dependent on fathers, however, a condition that their increasing participation in the labor force would diminish but never erase. Conservative advice givers made it their business to remind girls of this status. Multiple authors in the Ladies’ Home Journal, starting with the Journal ’s editor, Edward Bok, urged on girls their responsibilities to practice as apprentice wives in their ministrations to their fathers. ‘‘Helping her father to remember his daily engagements, seeing that his accounts are properly balanced, following his personal matters—all these things enter into the life of a girl when she becomes a wife,’’ Bok wrote.

A girl should not imagine ‘‘that her father represented a money-making machine, bound to take care of her and give her a good time,’’ the Journal ’s columnist Rush Ashmore added. It was the daughter who owed her father a good time. She should remember that it is ‘‘her honor to be his daughter’’ and greet him with a smile. ‘‘He who is out in the busy world earning the bread and butter doesn’t want to be met with complaints and cross looks; he wants to be greeted with a kiss, to be entertained by the mind which he has really formed by earning the money to pay the teachers to broaden and round it, and to be able to look at the bright, cheery girl, neat in her dress, sweet in her manner and ever ready to make merry those who are sad.’’

Increasingly teenage daughters’ approaches to fathers, like those of their mothers, focused on the interaction of two separate worlds. Advisers’ exhortations that daughters should be affectionate and ‘‘pet’’ their fathers rather than ‘‘obey’’ them suggested the ways in which the family had become an arena of intimate exchange rather than hierarchical responsibility. Increasingly fathers did not induct their growing daughters into adulthood but instead looked to their daughters to offer them an escape from that world.”

- Jane H. Hunter, “Houses, Families, Rooms of One’s Own.” in How Young Ladies Became Girls: The Victorian Origins of American Girlhood

[helenarlett-rex]

Sorry for asking this on anon, but I just want to say I have recently started following you after reading some of your stuff, and really, you aren't want I expected from an erotica author. I don't mean that in a bad way. You're a super nice person and it's fun to watch your blog, but you just don't have the sex worker vibe I kind of expected you would have.

I don't know what to say. I'm just me.

I mean, I guess it could maybe be because I never really wanted to be an erotica author anyways. I'm a gray-asexual. Not that I have a problem with erotica. I think sex and sexuality are perfectly natural. And I know first hand what kind of damage the puritanical mindset of pretending that isn't the case can cause. Sex may not be something I'm super interested in myself, but I do still have it from time to time, and I do believe that if you ARE interested in it that's perfectly healthy and you shouldn't be ashamed to explore that. It's an important aspect of life. There's no reason people should shy away from it. You'll never catch me dissing a sex worker just for being a sex worker. (And yeah, technically I am one myself. I'm just not in the most hands-on area of that line of work.) But as for not fitting what you expected a sex worker to be like... I don't know... Maybe what you expect sex workers to be like isn't what they are actually like... We are all just people... I mean... How do you know that cam girl dildoing herself for tips on PornHub doesn't like to post memes and watch anime in her free time? Yeah, she's got a massive collection of sex toys, but maybe just off screen she's got an even bigger collection of My Little Ponies and a pet lobster she bought at Petco... Why not? We're just people and what we do for a living doesn't define who we are.

But getting back to my writing. I never set out to be an erotica author, and frankly, I don't even like to call what I write erotica. I write stories for adults that happen to explore topics that are important to me. And sexuality happens to be a topic that is important to me. I don't really talk abut this much, but this seems like a fitting time... I was sexually abused growing up. That has nothing to do with why I'm an asexual today. That wasn't something that came until much later in life... But the abuse happened. It happened in various different ways... But the one that hurt the most was not ever being able to talk about it, or even acknowledge that it happened at all, because growing up in a very puritanical conservative household, sex and anything related to sex, was just not something that was discussed. My parents never once talked to me about sex. I never got the birds and bees talk. I never even had a sex-ed class in school. I was a sexual assault survivor by the age of six, and they knew that... They weren't the cause of it, but they knew it happened... and yet they never talked to me about what happened or sex in general, because that was just... improper...

Try to think about what something like that would do to a kid... I'm fine now. I've been through a lot of therapy and I'm living a very comfortable and healthy life in relation to that topic. But I know what it's like growing up with that, and frankly, it's not something I want anyone else to ever have to experience. Sex shouldn't be some taboo subject that is never spoken of. Especially for someone who actually needs to talk about it, like I did. It's a normal thing that people do and it should be normalized as such. If it had been normalized in my household I wouldn't have had to go through the childhood I went through. (I'm not saying we should go giving porn to kids or anything like that. But a healthy understanding of the topic is pretty important, especially for anyone who's already been involved in it.)

So yes, there is a lot of sex in my books. Graphic sex. Pornographic even... Because I would like people to regard it as normal. But at the heart of my books I'm not sitting down and saying, "Okay. I'm going to write some fap material." No... I'm writing about stuff I care about. Normalizing sex and sexuality in a healthy way is just one of those things. (Although if you do fap to my books there's no shame in that either. Like I said. That's a normal, healthy thing to do.)

And yeah, okay... My really early books may have actually just been fetish erotica... But I wrote those as a part of an experiment, and that's a totally different story. Ask me about it and I'll be happy to explain it in a different post... But once I wrote the first few and realized people actually liked my writing, I stopped writing "erotica" and just started writing what I wanted to write. I mean... Go read The Dank Wildcats Vol. 1 for example. There is no graphic sex in that book at all. Any sex that may occur is just kind of mentioned in passing or glossed over. Any books that do have lots of graphic sex are there for the above reason, but yeah... That's why I don't really consider what I write erotica. I consider it adult literature that isn't afraid to address the fact that people have sex.

So I guess that could be one reason I don't come off the way you thought I would. Or again, it could just be that sex workers are just normal people the same as anyone else... But either way, I'm glad you've enjoyed my writing and this blog. I hope you will continue to do so in the future.

[alorenawrites]

Thoughts on Loki, Gender, Sex, and Identity

So...I've seen a few posts on transphobia embedded in Loki and I wanted to examine my own thoughts on this a bit. I'm not going to dig too deeply, just hit on a few of my thoughts on the matter regarding my own positionality as a demisexual, demiromantic, bisexual, nonbinary, gender funky human.

To begin, my own relationship to sex and gender is complicated, based on my own experiences. I'm fine with people not having this same interpretation because of differences in experience and I'm not going to sit around and listen to anyone bombarding me with statements about how wrong they think I am. Go write a post with relevance to your own experience and please don't shit on mine. The purpose of this is to share my own thoughts on this matter, not to get into an argument. I have enough real-world stress regarding these things and don't need them on Tumblr as well.

I've seen the argument that Loki is gender fluid and it is wrong to say he is sex fluid or that sex fluidity is a way to undercut or deny the validity of gender fluidity. I don't see it this way. To begin, we don't actually see Loki display gender fluidity, even though shape-shifting is clearly within his skill set. MCU Loki shifts into Sif once in The Dark World, but other than that, there is little evidence outside of his word at this. I know those creating this story did refer to him as gender fluid, but I question whether those who stand outside that fluidity might not be as well-versed in how gender fluidity comes in a myriad of experiences. I am fine with the idea that perhaps Loki still uses traditionally male pronouns while in other shapes. I am not considering comic interpretations of Loki in this, as there are so many different storylines that I think they would be hard to sum up into this character. And it is fine if you don't see this the same way.

In myth, when Loki transforms into a maiden during the marriage of "Freya" (Thor in disguise) to Thrym, the book I reference (Neil Gaiman's retellings of the myths) does, at one point, refer to Loki as "he." When the mythological Loki transforms into the mare to lure the horse Svadilfari away from the builder of their wall, the references to the mare indicate "she" (and it is worth noting that in this retelling, the mare is never referred to as Loki by name), but when Loki returns he is referred to using male pronouns yet still as Sleipnir's mother.

In the television show, Loki's file lists his sex as fluid. As gender and sex are entirely separate, I took this into consideration as a part of what defines a Loki- they may change physical sex. I did not see an entry for gender on the file. I may have missed it. But to me, the lack of listing gender and the inclusion instead of sex leads me to believe that the TVA doesn't much care for the gender of a variant, but rather the body in which they are most likely to inhabit. In this case, it would seem that knowing if a Loki is more likely to appear as a physical type without regard to pronouns or gender might be considered more important data than gender identity and pronouns. I examine this as someone who has to handle grant data that requires a sex marker in the demographics- not a gender identity, but an assigned-at-birth or otherwise legally documented sex.

I don't see these two things as mutually exclusive or an erasure of one another. I would see it as a way for the TVA to try to classify a variant without regards to any sort of identity. After all, if Lokis are destined for pruning, who cares how they see themselves? It's not like they are going to have an extended conversation with them- process them, judge them, prune them.

In the context of the Lokis we meet, and the note that they haven't met a female Loki, I do wonder why they haven't met one yet. Is it because they don't catch every Loki that comes through? Is it because they themselves have only ever experienced being Loki as men and and haven't assumed otherwise? I don't know. But I don't see it as impossible to explain, either. How many Loki variants have come through? And how many haven't survived? We don't see every variant in the Void that we see in Mobius' briefing holograms. Who didn't make it, and who is missing? Yes, the comment that she "sounds terrifying" could be read as incredibly sexist, but at the same time...Lokis grew up with stories of the Valkyrie, powerful warrior women who they likely looked at with awe, wondering why these towers of strength were no longer with them. The Valkyrie predate them and are mythic figures- we see how Thor reacts to meeting one of these warriors in Ragnarok. Given that this line comes from Loki the Elder, someone who leans into the power of sorcery and the capabilities of magic, wouldn't it make sense that the combination of these skills would seem terrifying? A warrior of the legendary capabilities of the Valkyrie combined with the might of a Loki sorcery? I mean, I'd probably think the same thing, and I think this is possibly one reason why the variant Loki we come to know would agree with him- she has been jumping through time, surviving apocalypses that likely terrify him, enchanting anyone she needs to use, and she can run circles around him. Given the tonal shift in the delivery of the line "and she needs me," I interpret this as the blustering Loki does when he wants to feel more important than he really is- he's trying to justify why he needs to find her to someone else (and possibly to himself) instead of just saying it's because he cares deeply about her and wants to know what the hell that means. Sylvie can clearly take care of herself and doesn't really need rescue. He wants to feel important enough to go back and to convince the others he is as well. That she could render him irrelevant is something that would be terrifying to someone who craves attention and affirmation.

Mobius says that the most common iterations of Lokis look like the one standing before him, yet Loki does encounter a variant file from California in the early 20th century that refers to Sylvie. So the TVA knows that there is a rare chance that a sex fluid Loki could exist (and they have, presumably, pruned them). While I wish this had been explored further, I don't necessarily see it as a transphobic intent. Did it resonate that way with some people? Yes. And that's fine. Their feelings on the matter are valid.

Another element of my interpretation of this comes from my own experiences of gender expression. Most of the time during which I have been out as nonbinary, people have read my gender as a woman. I like my long dresses and I have an extensive collection of vintage women's clothing. I also have a decent collection of corsets and well-tailored suits that fit my body type. I don't bind my chest. My hair varies from very short to as long as it will grow (not far past my shoulders). I occasionally wear eyeshadow, regardless of what gender I am on any given day. I very rarely read masculine and when I feel neutral, I still don't bother to alter my body shape, only sometimes choosing a bra or bra tank top that decentuates my curves (which, granted, aren't dramatic). So the concept of a gender fluid individual choosing gendered pronouns and reading as male during the (relatively short) time in his lifespan during which the audience knows him doesn't seem odd to me, as it is how I've existed (and I, too, used gendered pronouns for a few years on my nonbinary journey- they were a default while I searched for something that suited me better). But I have known nonbinary people who have exclusively used gendered pronouns and it does not invalidate their gender identity, nor does gendered expressions of that identity. The concept that we would only see a male presenting Loki doesn't seem very odd because I have lived a stretch of my life during which I, too, presented a very femme gender expression and used traditionally female pronouns. But that did not make me less nonbinary.

And, of course, this is assuming that gender fluidity is part of his identity, which we are never told in the text of the story. I reject that everything a creator says must be added to the text of a piece of media simply because the piece also has to stand on its own and be interpreted on that level as well. We do know that Loki shifts sex, which makes sense for someone who shifts bodies, as sex is tied more to bodies than gender is.

The point in this is that we can't assume the gender of a fictional character, just as we can't assume from appearance the gender of a living human. I may read as a woman, but this is not my gender identity and no one should be assuming that my clothes are meant to project gender. Reducing gender to an outward and bodily expression of sex is not something with which I am comfortable, and it seems that some people are conflating the two in their interpretation. Again, your experiences may differ from mine and it's fine to see this in another way.

But here's another very important thing this show can demonstrate. Allow an anecdote. My children watched this show with me. My son is nearly 7, my daughter a few months from being 10. She is very femme- loves makeup, frilly dresses, dolls, princesses, My Little Pony, the whole shebang of activities stereotypically associated with the childhood of girls. At this point in her life, she very much asserts that she is a girl. The same goes for my son- he very much asserts himself as a boy. When we were watching together, we talked about Loki being gender fluid, just like their Mum. We talked about Loki being bisexual, just like their Mum. They understood that just because Loki looks one way, it doesn't mean he is that way...again, just like their Mum. There is power in the idea that some of us are in this same position- we are assumed to be cisgender based on our appearances, but our identities are more complex than that. I thought this was a good window for my children to see through and one I could turn into a teachable moment about all the different sorts of people there are in this world. This is the blessing of imperfect media- we can find ways to learn from it and to share opportunities in it for open interpretation with those around us. And the lesson of not jumping to conclusions about gender or sex based on appearance is a deeply important one for young children to understand.

Is this an area in which I have a problem with the show? No. Does this mean the show couldn't have done more or better? Also no. We do need a variety of types of representation. But seeing the possibilities of this being someone a little more like me (though alas, I can't shift shape)? That was nice.

Hopefully we can see more of this in the future, but if we don't, we can create transformative works to fill in the gaps. It's what fan communities have always done and will continue to do. When I fell into fandom years ago with Harry Potter, long before the movies were all out, so many works were there to add queerness, racial diversity, language diversity, disability representation, all of it, into the series. It didn't stop us from still enjoying what it meant to us in those times and places and I don't think we have to outright reject this show for the imperfections we see in it. It can still thrill us and speak to something in us we've been lacking.

And in my case, that is the affirmation of wearing traditionally gender coded clothes while still asserting my pronouns are ze/zir/zirs and my gender is nonbinary, though also gender fluid, gender optional, or gender funky and that my oft-assumed-to-be-hetero relationship makes me no less bi or any other piece of my complex relationship to sexual orientation (and sharing that affirmation with my kids).