#that none of ny needs or wants mattered except for my parents and sisters survival and happinsss
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#my life wasn't actually in acute danger#but like i grew up willing to give my life for ny family#aware of the thought that i would do literally anything for my family#that i would kill for them#risk my life end my life suffer in all eternity for them#no matter the cost#bc thats what i thought my only purpose was#that none of ny needs or wants mattered except for my parents and sisters survival and happinsss#and i was willing to kill myself for it if need be or live forever through all of lifes pain for it#or if war and genocide broke out kill and condemn myself for them if need be#and i think thinking that way changes you maybe?#bc i remember voicing that to someone once that i think we are all capable of becoming killers#and they looked at me the same way my mother looked at me every time she found fresh sh scars like im an irredemable monster#and walked away from me like im unworthy being around or ever talking to again#and im like...#idk#that post about emotional maturity and all#but at fhe same time being the eldest daughter#and yeah#smth smth#im in a lot of physical pain this weekend and its making me delirious#(or honest i supposs)#delete later
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