#that means i'll miss out august but come up smiling early september

[chalkrub]

art fight is once again drawing near and i will once again be very enthusiastically participating! i love artfight i LOVE ocs and i love drawing other people's ocs - feel free to reblog/reply with your artfights, I always go through and bookmark my followers' characters <:^) above, you can see a small sample of my guys, both old and new, if you wanna draw them! it always makes me more happy than i can say to see my ocs in other peoples styles. tbh. if i'm being honest.

my artfight username is also chalkrub, pr alternatively you can click this funny little link HERE

I’ll be team seafoam, easiest choice of all time even if my idealised version of seafoam does not match up to the reality of the gross beige clumpy froth I see on estuaries sometimes

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

Honestly. I've been feeling the same anxieties, especially this august. I wrote a whole ass "essay" about it, but scrapped it, because I didn't want to bring down the mood, even though it's already low. 

But I'm glad we are talking about it! I think it's needed.

Honestly, I'm so comfortable in the fog right now, the unknown! When everything is still, nothing is happening, it all just still feels like a long hiatus. 

So I think whatever they will do, whatever they will release or come up with, I will break down anyways. It will be the moment of having to face reality which. Yes, I know many of us are not ready for. Well I am for sure not 🥲

But I got to say, I somewhat dread september and october. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

I think it's too early for the album release I mean, at least for me. I'm still in half denial so all this feels too fast. If they do release the album, I'm not sure I'll be able to listen to it yet. I support if that's what they want to do but. 

I feel like being thrown into the sea without knowing how to swim ahaha. Like I'm going to choke and I don't know how to save myself!! Like a whole album that's supposed to be completely different, I wouldn't be able to handle for now.

But, if they release a single, or the movie, or something small, I think I would feel better, easier, more digestable. It would still hurt, but it would feel like they are easing us into acceptance instead of trying to be done with it as quickly as possible. 

I know that it is so much worse for the members. But I hope they don't feel like they have to hurry the album release just to satisfy us. We are happy they are still here, that's more than enough. The album can wait if they still feel unsure about the situation.

I think it will be fine even if they will be only 4 from now on. Since realistically, nobody can replace Acchan. And nobody would want a replacement!

But yes please!!!! Don't act like Atsushi never existed please. Like that would actually kill me.

If they renamed themselves and tried to completely cut out all their previous works... I'm not sure I'd be able to stay. But only because! I'm someone who can't just sweep everything under a rug and pretend all is fine. I cannot not remember ahaha.

If they did this 5 years from now on, maybe. Even then I'm not sure. But as a first attempt. it would be too harsh imo. I think it's great they will try to continue as Buck-Tick instead.

But despite me saying I wouldn't stay, I also wouldn't be able to close this chapter of my life so quickly. It's all the members and their music I was here for, my love for them doesn't cease when one of them....

Compared to many of you guys here, who have been here for years, i haven't been around for that long, so! I also feel a bit abandoned honestly. Like finally! I found something to live for, genuinely! It's like I've been adopted by their music and the community. And if it gets taken aways from me so quickly, then what am I supposed to do?? Like a stray cat I will have to find another home!!! And i don't know where!!!!

Buck-Tick is the only band in my life I would kill for to see. So I don't! want to lose this spark that I have for them. I hope they don't stop being Buck-Tick, even in though times. I want to keep loving them!! Because right now, there's nothing for me besides them.

If there's one thing I learned from Atsushi and the rest of the members, it's that it's okay to cry and feel sad, and to miss someone. Even for the rest of your life.

Remembering the people we lost in any way is the least we can do to show gratitude for the fact they existed, I think.

Sometimes we cry because we lost him, sometimes we smile because we met him. But either way, we remember him.

And if we could do it together with the members, despite them having to move forward as 4,I think it would be easier for them as well.

I'm not saying they should do concerts like the Genshou and stuff from now on. But honestly once in a while I would love it. We could hear the 5 of them together again and it would help a lot of fans feel better too in my opinion.

Idk how to explain it, but I think it would make his death feel more normal. Like it's part of everyday life, from now on, sadly. But we can still cherish the great joys he left for us in this earth.

And remembering him with a smile could make it easier to bear his absence, rather than trying not to aknowledge he is missing.

You know I keep thinking that.... If they just decided to avoid talking about him... They would eventually break and wouldn't be able to continue, I'm sure. 

But if somehow. We could create a healthy boundary with living in the present and remembering the past, that would be the best. 

Because maybe letting go is the way for a fresh new start but.... I don't think letting go means completely forgeting and dismissing something or someone! It's just means, they don't dictate your every step and, you are able to move forward even with them gone.

I just hope whatever they will do, our worries will ease a bit and it all will look somewhat positive, or at least bearable.

I think they are not that crazy( at least I hope) that they would try to just erase him. Because I think that would both hurt them and us in the long run too.

I'm totally open for new stuff and experimental things! But yes, I wish they would aim for a balance. Rather actually, I hope they make it natural, I hope they don't aim for anything.

I hope they don't try too much to make the band a memorial service, but I also hope they don't want to forcibly stop anything that is like the Buck-Tick pre 2023 october. I hope they do what they feel is the best for us and them.

That's why I hope they don't hurry with the album, so they can think everything through, before acting on impulse. 

I'm sure, at least I want to hope. that if they have enough time to reflect, and they talk with each other enough, they will come to the best possible conclusion.

I'm sorry if this is incomprehensible, there's just so many thoughts, it's hard to put them into words. Maybe some thoughts don't relate to anything OP said but yes.

I also feel quite lost lately and! It's getting harder to put my thoughts into words, I just kind of feel like everything is so overwhelming I can't think straight!

Nevertheless, what matters is, I will stay for their old music for sure. I will remember Acchan and continue listening to their music because it makes me happy. They make me happy.

And I can only hope I can say this about the new incoming stuff too . It's scary, but I want to trust the members. I want to keep loving the 5 of them. 🤍

I guess I'm starting to have one fear- that this part 2 will wipe out every trace of Atsushi and never look back, and even the music- that one thread that has run common to every BT song for the past 36+ years- will change so completely because they will choose to become unrecognizable.

What is the difference, then, between that and just putting the band to bed and returning with a new name like they considered at one point?

I don't know which one hurts less, to be honest. But wiping his presence out completely....no one's asking them to prop up a ghost, but scrapping everything just feels wrong somehow.

Admittedly this is all just Thoughts and we won't know anything until September or the next album. But already I see the Japanese side talking about what I've been nervously thinking about so....I suppose we are all trying to do our best to support everyone while also frailly holding our breaths and bracing ourselves for a blow the severity of which we cannot guess at all.

[lacharcutiere]

is it enough [sawamura daichi]

1k words

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part five of i'm gone i'm gone i'm gone miniseries. you're lost, but at least you're not lost alone.

JST: japanese standard time (GMT +9). EST: eastern standard time (GMT -5). EDT: eastern daylight time (GMT -4).

tings // fluff, angst // i swear this søng is abøut eating øut my best friend's pussy - cøzybøy // dm, ask or comment to be added to taglist ! minors dni.

☾𓆙𓂻

— 28 AUGUST 2022. 12:15 EDT.

tōru helps you move your stuff back in, very excited about the fact that you have a private bedroom this year.

"i still have roommates," you point out, "and the walls are thin."

he only laughs in response and continues sorting through your clothes while you fit sheets onto your bed.

— 29 AUGUST 2022. 01:36 JST.

daichi lies awake, staring at the ceiling of tsuuka's room. she's asleep, tucked snugly into his side, breathing softly.

he thinks he's happy right now. but he can't be sure, because tsuuka's great, but she isn't you.

☾𓆙𓂻

on opposite sides of the world, at opposite hours of daylight but at the exact same moment, you and daichi lie beside wonderful lovers— wonderful people. wonderful friends. but as the seconds and minutes and months tick by, both of you grow more and more aware that it's only going to be enough for so long.

"i'm so sorry," you both whisper to the sleeping figures at your sides.

— 12 SEPTEMBER 2022. 01:08 EDT, 14:08 JST.

on another night spent alone and struggling to fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, your phone buzzes under your pillow.

you've hardly talked to him since the week you got back to the states.

☾𓆙𓂻

it's like words caught in daichi's throat, except it's just a text. words caught in his fingers, then. he wants to tell you the same, because he does. but he's sitting on the floor of tsuuka's living room, building legos with her little brother, so he feels a little guilty.

he only responds a couple hours later, once he's left, with a simple me too. but you've long been asleep since then.

— OCTOBER & NOVEMBER 2022.

the rate at which time passes seems to increase exponentially, though it has nothing to do with the shortness of daylight hours this time of year. with each passing day you find yourself feeling more and more out of place in tōru's grasp, feeling like you're slipping through his fingers and unsure whether he's even aware of it.

ironically (or perhaps not) you throw yourself into him, spending nearly every moment of free time with him, having him stay so many nights with you that he jokes you two should just get your own place. he's got extra clothes in your drawers, an extra toothbrush in the bathroom that you already share with one too many people. even his favorite coffee mug alternates between your kitchen cupboards and his.

you wonder if you're right for doing this.

— DECEMBER 2022.

daichi forgets to send you a christmas card. yours is late.

a week before his birthday—four days before christmas—he breaks up with tsuuka. he can't take it anymore. he'd always known that it was supposed to be you in the end, but he'd tried to convince himself it didn't have to be. but a week before his birthday, he realizes that it does.

tsuuka is a wonderful person. he doesn't want to stay long enough to resent her for not being someone else. anyone other than you isn't enough.

☾𓆙𓂻

your christmas card to daichi (written 24th december, received 30th december. opened as soon as it arrived, 17:42 japan standard time.)

it's only now that he realizes he didn't send you a card this year (to be fair, he didn't send anyone cards this year) and he feels terrible. he calls you immediately, and then realizes that it's the middle of the night on a weekday in new york. he's about to hang up when you answer your phone.

"hi," you say sleepily, and he smiles.

"hi." there's silence but for static on the other end of the line for a little bit, and then he says, "we broke up."

"what?"

"tsuuka."

you don't know what to say, so you just go, "why?"

he doesn't know if he wants to tell you why. to his knowledge, you're still with tōru. (he's right; you are. but you kind of figure why he ended things with tsuuka.)

finally he answers, "it just... wasn't right. i guess." and that's true. it wasn't.

"hm."

"hm."

"daichi?"

"yeah?"

"are you... doing okay? you are, right?"

he almost laughs. "'course. i'm fine. are you?"

you don't know.

"yeah," you whisper. you probably don't completely mean it.

there's a sharp intake of breath on your side of the line, and then a mumbled oh my god, and then you say, "your birthday's tomorrow!"

he smiles. "yeah, yeah, it is."

"i'll send you something. another card, and um... do you— "

"don't," he cuts you off. "just call again?"

"daichi..." and then: "okay. okay, i will."

"i'll let you go to sleep."

"yeah," you smile, "i probably should."

"good night."

"good night."

"i miss you."

"miss you, too."

☾𓆙𓂻

the line goes dead, and you lean against the wall in the hallway of your apartment. you can hear soft snoring from behind one of your roommate's doors.

fairly unsure that you'll be able to sleep, you head to the kitchen to grab yourself a glass of water, taking a sip and then just standing there, holding it and staring into space for god knows how long.

"why're you up?" says a soft voice behind you—tōru's.

"thinking," you respond, and put your glass down and let him wrap his arms around you. you hug him back.

"are you okay?"

for some reason, those words, coming from him, make your chest go tight and your lower lip tremble. "mhm."

☾𓆙𓂻

tōru knows you're not really. and he knows why you're up at this hour. he takes your hand in his and leads you back to your room, and doesn't say anything when, as your breathing evens and you fall asleep, tears dampen his t-shirt where your head lays.

taglist: @sakruisin-thru @softetsurou @oligbia

[rainbowglitterandpixiedust]

Hey

I'm alright

They don't believe it but I am.

At least I am better than I was.

I want to focus on me now.

I owe 6 subjects. I am mad at myself because I could have passed 3 of them in their first exam, and one on September. I know I didn't do my best and now it feels like I'm failing. It also means that I should try harder and I wish I could use the time I'll have to improve my grades. I now know what I want to do, and why I will not choose astrobiology.

Theater team is great! We're closer and very successful, and we've performed so many times, and went on a trip that felt like I'm in school again. This year we're preparing something new. It's a comedy musical, about Renaissance, and Shakespeare, and about musical itself, and I'm beyond excited already. We're learning some dance moves, even some ballet ones! There is a role I'm in love with, she is like a disney princess and she loves reading! I want to try for that one, but even if I won't take it, I know I'll have the best time being in the team this year.

I also went back to the contemporary dance team. When I try to lift my leg, it won't go too high, it's bent and my body is not straight. The thought that I had quit my stretches for you is making me sick. It's okay, you were worth it back then, but now I want the flexibility I had 40 months ago back, so I won't do it ever again.

Lindy hop is at the very same hours theater team is, and I want to be punctual at what I do. I will have enough dance with the latter, so I don't mind. I may join latin team, but I'll see how my schedule will be till next week.

The astronomy group is as you know it. Not as you expected it would be, though. I think we are better than ever before. We take decisions all together, we disagree sometimes, but it's alright, at least we don't fight. We had a trip that made up for the summer vacations I lost. There was the best sea and the best sky. And the very best company. There was a toddler with your name that I kept mixing up with the name a baby cousin of mine has. I realized thinking of your name would make it easier for me to not mix it up, but then I also realized I didn't even made that connection until we had left the place. I also don't check on your stories anymore. Instagram reminded me of the ice creams we had a year ago, when you were here, and I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel I missed you. You never came back again, but it really doesn't matter now. I'll have new Septembers.

To be honest, August and September were awful. There was a kaleidoscope of memories that kept coming back, and I was tangled in my thoughts, you had mixed up my feelings and fucked up my mind. Late September and early October, I had my burst outs. Everything I couldn't figure out and kept messing up my mind for 2 months came out. I talked to people. The one girl that I didn't want to get hurt 2 years ago helped me this time, 3 months after we fell apart.

I also made a new friend. He watches over me, and takes photos of me, and lifts me up, and I can talk to him and be true with him, and that really is a lot. I hope he stays, at least for a while.

I now can smile again in a very honest way.

I now know who my friends are. I had to reach the bottom of the pool to decide that I want to breathe. I had to lost the one I never wanted to leave, so I could realize who really mattered all along. I now don't chase people anymore. I don't forgive easily and I don't try to give them excuses. They all made their decisions, and it's alright. It is alright to have only a few friends, and they are the ones I didn't use to consider my best ones, but they are the true ones. Even so, I now set my boundaries. I can tell the difference between friendship and company. I know I am a nice and social person so I can have a good relationship with many people, and talk to them and even have fun with them, but that doesn't mean we're friends, 'cause friendship is a lot more. And it truly is very rare, and I don't want to be the only one trying.

Sophia is a ray of sunshine, I would want you to know. She makes me want to be better. I feel the 17 year old version of me was so much of a better person. A kinder and an idealist one. I know that she wasn't hurt or scarred, and I only hope my current version won't let down my teenage dreams in the future.

I want to travel, and I want to meet Taylor Swift.

November came but it doesn't really hurt. Utopia is now a place I don't really want to go, so my favorite one is officially Biscotto. For the first time, it's not only because I have no memory with you there. It's warmer, and simpler, and offers stuff I'm interested to try, which are all for me, and more economical too. I feel I had a bit of overdose of all this fake fairytale theme. I prefer simpler stuff, they can feel more real.

I sat by my Rapunzel window in the dining room of uni. I hadn't been in that seat for almost a year and it felt really strange. How I wanted to be alone to talk with you and eat slowly. I would sit there even when it was not to talk with you but still think of you. It's now just a seat, and honestly a not so bright one. That's why I am writing now.

The idea of Christmas is still bitter. It's not painful, it's just that last Christmas was the most magical ones, the most romantic ones. The ones I was in love and the ones I was more excited for than any year before. It's strange to think that I won't feel the same magic this year. I know I'll feel it at some point, karma had always been fair to me.

It is very weird I cannot tell you all these things. I now have a diary. And a squirrel I am not afraid to share most things with. It's not the same though.

I realized I now don't miss you, I miss the idea of us, and the little things that became habbits, and habbits are not easily forgotten. I find parts of them in people all around. Random guys at stores smile at me, and someone I know bought me a chocolate when I needed one. It's still not the same, but I will be fine with that.

I hope you're doing well. And that you'll think of me with love. That you'll try to find yourself and that you'll overcome a lot of ghosts from the past, and truly be okay with that before you try to commit to someone and settle down your life. Don't rush and don't compromise. You have time.

A little Strawberry