#that makes them singing a boyband song all the more funnier

[teecupangel]

In order to celebrate the incoming Eurovision Song Contest I would like to hear your opinion on what kind of songs the various ac protagonists would bring to the competition (with a slight alteration of the rules which would allow for countries outside of Europe to participate, of course), how they would behave, and also who would be the winner.

Personally I could totally see Ezio bringing one of those classic Italian love songs and having literally everyone in the audience thirst over him, while the Frye twins would get in a fight on stage because of family drama and be disqualified immediately.

Altaïr would bring some traditional Syrian sounds with a modern twist and complicated chords which only music neds will be able to notice, and Shao Jun would sing a pretty averge pop song in chinese, but only because she needs to concentrate on the choreography, which is the most ambitious in the history of the entire competition.

As for Desmond... idk, maybe he could represent the Isu, or maybe he's part of the jury alongside the rest of the modern day gang.

This was fun to think about and I included all the games and spinoff games main character for this one for maximum chaos.

So, in this setup, let’s say they’re trying out new things and the other countries are invited to join in for a brand new category. If it proves to be a success, maybe they’ll think of branching out or, maybe the rumors are true and this is meant to be their big announcement that other Song Contests will be held in the following years after this.

Regardless of the true reason why a special guest country category has popped up for this year’s contest, everyone is definitely in it to win.

Altaïr: He’d definitely go for something traditional and monophonic type which is the most common type of music in the Middle East. His instruments would primarily be what is commonly known as the traditional instruments in Syria… for the first part. Then you get to the second verse and that’s when the other instruments kick in. The monophonic nature slowly changes to having multiple melodies that should not work, there’s this sense of dissonance the entire time that might not be that noticeable to most people but musicians and those in that field would notice it. And they would be flabbergasted because it was beautiful. For some reason, Altaïr made it work. His song would certainly create a lot of buzz, for sure, and Altaïr would definitely sound like a totally pompous nerd when his only explanation to it is “Only a mind free of impediment is capable of grasping the chaotic beauty of the world. This is our greatest asset.” and Malik is in the background, already ready to smack the back of his head with his clipboard with Kadar having to use all his strength to stop his brother.

Ezio: A lot of people who knew Ezio would assume he would sing a very ‘saucy’ love song but it’s actually quite tame. A love song about falling in love but not having the courage to actually do anything. Very sweet and innocent. Then he ends it with a whispered “I love you” and everyone falls in love with him.

Ratonhnhaké:ton & Aveline: They’d be both representing America and their duet would be something simple but their choreography is the main star of the show like your idea for Shao Jun. Definitely one of the most ambitious choreography in the history of the entire competition.

Edward: He’s gonna sing sea shanties at the beginning which will make a lot of people go ”???” then the beat kicks in and it’s a freaking pop song with Thatch, Vane, Rackman, Hornigold, and Read. It’s sssooo 90s boyband everywhere (with the lyrics being nautical in nature because that’s apparently the theme they’re going for???). Just, full-on, the song, the choreography… everything is so 90s boyband that everyone who had a crush on a 90s boyband felt both nostalgia and cringe. Haytham sees this on tv and turns off his teli, silenced his phone, and hid in his room all the while hoping the world ends now. Jenny sees this and laughs her ass off, downloading the entire thing and going to social media to like and retweet anything related to it. Each retweet, she made sure to tag Haytham XD (sidenote: a lot of people got their sexual awakening thanks to Read that day).

Adéwalé: His song would be a more epic version of this one. He’d even take part as one of the main drummers. 1:13~1:18 will be longer with the drums getting louder and harder and, by the end of it, Adéwalé’s last lyrics would be sung breathlessly, making more of an impact.

Shay: … technically, he should be an American in a modern-day setting since he was born in New York but, for the sake of this idea, let’s say his parents stayed in Ireland and he gets to be their representative. His song will fully embrace his Irish roots and be a more ominous but beautiful rendition of Canaid Lia Fáil from AC Valhalla’s Wrath of the Druids DLC. (Honestly, I think Ciara should represent them but we are going for AC protagonists on this so maybe Ciara’s the one who teaches him the song and is the one who did the arrangement?)

Arno: Oh, he’d go for a love song about heartache and missing the love of his life. It’s so moving and everyone can feel the sincerity of his song. A lot of people cried. Then they later find out his longtime girlfriend broke up with him a few months before the competitions and everyone just goes “oooohh, that’s why.”. Definitely a contender but the beauty of his song has been overshadowed by… the ‘controversy’ behind it.

Jacob & Evie: Okay, so they’re supposed to be the ones to represent Britain but, as you said, they’d gotten into a fight because of family drama (Ethan Frye’s name might have been mentioned… a lot.). Fortunately, the fight happened before the contest itself and those in charge of picking the British representative decided to quietly ‘push them aside’ and that’s how Edward’s Pirate ‘Boy’band became the British representative. (ngl, my brain immediately went: that dance routine Monica and Ross did)

Nikolai: His song would be very patriotic but the way it’s arranged and how he sings it makes it very open for interpretation. There’s also the fact that he actually changed a bit of the lyrics without telling anyone beforehand, which may or may not be his way of rebelling against the strict parameters that have been ‘requested’ of him but being vague enough that he could get away with it.

Arbaaz: I’m going to be completely honest with you, I love RRR and I just want to see Arbaaz and Jayadeep perform Naatu Naatu (But, in all seriousness, considering the positive reception of RRR, performing it might have been some kind of strategy on their side)

Shao Jun: While Shao Jun could definitely have one of the most ambitious choreography, I kinda see her doing a traditional Chinese song and dance because of her history as a concubine. Concubines are usually well versed in song and dance so in a modern day setting, maybe Shao Jun is trained in the classics and she focused on that in her perfomance. Maybe something like this but with more complicated choreography and with lyrics exclusively made for the competition.

Aguilar: He’ll be singing a romantic song that would make people swoon. Very similar to Ezio’s piece but more somber and there’s a hint of tragedy in the lyrics. He’d also sing it while playing the guitar and his song is so memorable, it would later be used as the theme song for a romantic movie.

Bayek & Aya: They would have a heartbreaking song of loss and moving on. The background music would be quite soft and it would be their voices and lyrics that would carry the song. By the end of it, a lot of people would be in tears because the song wasn’t a romantic one where love will heal all wounds but about two people still in love but saying goodbye to one another so they could both move on.

Kassandra & Alexios: They’d have a duet that’s based on their mother’s lullaby which is based on this. It’s a beautiful song but it’s clear to the judges that Kassandra and Alexios don’t really have a lot of experience singing together.

Eivor: This version of AC Valhalla’s ending song When Horns Resound. Many of her backup singers are members of the Raven Clan in canon (in this setting, they're probably from the same agency?)

Desmond and the other modern-day characters are part of the crew covering the event. Desmond’s most probably a part-timer or something like an errand boy. He gets to go and do whatever needs to be done and, in the process, meets the contestants and chats with them.

[cjkie22]

A non-exhaustive list of why you should listen to hit dirtbag boyband Bears in Trees:

their music is really amazing. you'll love it.

especially if your Spotify wrapped was on the pov: indie side of things

and even if it wasn't.

songs for every emotion

absolutely beautiful lyrics

sometimes these lyrics make sense. sometimes they don't. that's part of the fun.

songs about platonic love !!!!!

songs for the queers! the aros! the aces! the enbies! the trans community!

my dad likes them. doesn't sound like a lot, but it's an achievement.

(more underneath the break)

iain (bass/vox/lyrics) has "ginger" tattooed on the back of their head. if that isn't iconic I don't know what is.

on the note of iain, they were the first person i was aware of that used they as a pronoun, and that changed my life

they have a discord server! it's a really lovely community. i am not biased in the slightest. (discord.gg/sandbox) (https://discord.com/invite/thesandbox) (i will personally send you an invite i don't actually know what the link is)

they should DEFINITELY be on the heartstopper soundtrack

if I'm remembering correctly in the tiktok where they said they should be on the heartstopper soundtrack, they also said 3 out of 4 of them were in some way queer. seems like a good thing to me.

they opened for you me at six earlier this year. it was my first time seeing them live. and WOW.

I met some of my best friends through this band. I'm not joking; big shout out to the mojo dojo castle house, I'll never forget that weekend.

they're hilarious on the internet

you might cry at several of their songs for a million different reasons

BearBerry records

they have a tumblr blog @/bearsintreesofficial (iirc). I'm not gonna tag them but

BiT gigs are a safe space. I may have almost fainted at my last one (new cross inn, August 2023) but I've never met so many kind strangers and genuinely lovely people

merch is super comfy and really cute.

it gives stardew valley and animal crossing (trust me I'm right)

after the new cross gig (sweatiest gig in the world), despite surely being exhausted, callum (uke/keys/vox) took my bereal and i got my mini lesbian flag signed by them all

I turned out not to be a lesbian, which possibly makes it funnier, but the flag is stuck on my wall still

cryptids would LOVE their band

dash.

there's also a community minecraft server for discord members

BiT postcards !!!!

gosh and the bit stickers

they covered stick season on an Instagram live

they also do the funniest twitch streams

iain and the mountain

the raccoon email address

george (drums/production) is elite. the drum fills in doing this again? iconic. also has a specific really cool shirt I want to steal

wedding. dress. tiktok.

callum doesn't wear shoes on stage. apparently this was common knowledge but it sure surprised me at new cross.

the austrian soft drinks advert

iain make up looks

callum plays the flute. I want to say classically trained flautist but i may be wrong.

none of them have EVER bribed any members of law enforcement

their songs are very tattooable

talking of tattoos, nick (lyrics/guitar/saw him play the uke on stage once) has L + R tattooed on his forearms (iirc). absolute genius and I am stealing it when I get more of my patchwork sleeve done

iain releases solo music to under the name pet yeti. it's ethereal. callum also plays flute on one of them.

trumpet joe

the four of them never look like they are dressed for the same event

someone once edited the bears in trees wiki page to say that Ryan Ross was in their band

silly geese

that time we got singing? poetry? performance art? of THAT harry potter fanfiction

according to tiktok, iain and nick once had to sneak into their own show because they were underage

nurby

I have a video in the depths of my camera roll of them covering Mama by My Chemical Romance on a twitch stream

sonick

all of them give me gender envy at different times

their newest single (bart's bike) features banjo

patreon content

yelling it gets better with a room full of people was a healing experience.

tilly

modern baseball and fall out boy adjacent in my brain

if you like bears in trees you're automatically hot and really cool

they did a song with noahfinnce and its really super good

callum also featured on a myriad song which is also really super good

bit songs feel like coming home. they feel like hot chocolate and a blanket on a cold night. they feel like a warm hug. they feel like surviving and falling in love with life again and overcoming the worst things. they feel like victory, because you didn't think you'd make it to adulthood. but I'm 20 now. and I'm still here. I've almost graduated uni. and that's what bears in trees feels like.

all of their songs!!!! amazing!!!!

please feel free to add to this list. I'm taking suggestions.

[foxydivaxx]

More Modern Verse AU

- Believe it or not, Eren does indeed know Lucifer Morningstar and met him in his club one day

- Grisha took his sons to meet Lucifer who is an old friend of his.

- The Jaeger kids always refer to Lucifer as Uncle Lucifer or Uncle Luci affectionately xD

- Lucifer spoils the kids rotten which is shocking given his occasionally jerkish moments

- Lucifer can sing and occasionally you hear him and Eren sing together at times whilst he plays the piano

- A good reason why it is best not to mess with Eren Jaeger nowadays is because besides being Hades grandson,which is enough to terrify anyone, he has the backing of several individuals from various verses, Lucifer most especially and Lucifer is feared by so many people and for obvious reasons.

- (Forgot to mention this) All the members of Aogiri are multilingual and can speak the following languages: German, Turkish, Greek, Korean, Japanese, Chinese, French and English

- Lelouch swears in French a lot

- Eren and League of Legends’ Ahri debuted as idols around the same time, though Eren is technically her senior

-Speaking of Vrains, imagine all anime characters surfing on the data storm using the D-Board xD

- The rest of Aogiri still live in their dorm

- They were the only ones that bothered to keep in touch with Dick during those 5 hellish years. That alone made Dick’s day. They even playfully scolded Dick for not bringing Rachel to them and the other anime heroes as they would have helped her adjust better and besides the Fairy Tail Guild would have helped Rachel better control her powers. Not just that, they are aware about stuff regarding the OG Titans. Considering their hectic schedules though, it made sense for Dick not to tell them about Rachel

- Eren wears black and red a lot nowadays, nod to both Hades and Apollo his grandfathers and also his uncle Lucifer Morningstar

- Hades loves hearing Aogiri sing as it keeps him calm and makes him smile which is funny since he is meant to be the grumpiest god

-Everyone compares Aogiri to the Sirens and Muses due to the seductive charming harmonic nature of their voices and music generally

- Interestedly all Aogiri members are grand children of the Muses which explains their extraordinary musical talents

- Speaking of Hades and Apollo, Eren is officially the richest demigod and the richest kid in the world due to Hades’s insane amount of wealth. Apollo isn’t doing too shabby in the wealth department either.

- Both Hades and Apollo spoil their little grandson and his band mates

- Aogiri were originally Eren’s bodyguards which makes the Sailor Senshi comparisons even more funnier

- Ironically that makes the other Sailor Senshi his cousins since they are related to the Titans of Myth

- Hotaru aka Sailor Saturn and Ymir the first are his actual sisters

- Regarding Eren’s lack of passion , Eren stopped singing all together and only opted for rap parts. Heck he purposely reduced his lines due to the emotional turmoil he and the boys were going through. That alone made fans sad to the point where they would all try and encourage him to sing

- Fans often post covers of their songs and dance and that alone makes the boys smile

- Aogiri got so much hate because a lot of people envied their success

- Levi ends up jumping ship and starting a pop band, first as a duo with Mikasa and then an actual rival boyband with Erwin, Mike, Reiner, Armin, Jean,Connie and Bertholedt named No Name just to spite Eren. That move did not end well and had many question Levi’s so-called public remorse. Despite the controversy, they ended up topping the charts and eventually outsold Aogiri with many accusing No Name of chart manipulation

- That all changes after Kaiba with some help from Lucifer expose No Name and the Ackermans of chart manipulation and fraud

- Not helping is that around that time Aogiri were caught up in a vote manipulation surrounding the show that created the band in the first place

- Armin, Jean and Connie were in the band initially but walked out citing personal career choices but it is a lot complicated than that

- Kaneki is the second in command and the leader of the bodyguards and as such he and Minako Aino get along well

- Natsu snores much to everyone’s annoyance

- Aogiri’s new dorm is so big that each member now has their own separate room as opposed to before where they shared rooms

[eurotastic]

Eurovision reviews: Semi 2

When the obvious winner is in the big 5, the semis just feel a little weird. With semi 1, we have Portugal, who could win if the juries decide to wreck Italy’s score, but in semi 2 there is not a single winning candidate, which just makes it...I don’t want to call it pointless, but I’d definitely call it a weak semi. 

But you know that I’ll review every single song anyway, because I love every single second of this bullshit competition.

1: Serbia: Tijana Bogićević-In Too Deep

What a weird way to start off the night. This is pretty modern and cool, but it just can’t stand out whatsoever. Everyone will have forgotten about it by the fifth song or so. 

4/10

2: Austria: Nathan Trent-Running On Air

I hate Ed Sheeran. A lot. I’m not saying this song sounds exactly like him, but it’s the same genre, and I hate this genre more than anything. With that said, I can’t believe how much I actually like this. It might be the staging, which is fantastic, and really takes this basic, natural-sounding song to the next level.

6/10

3: Formeryugoslavianrepublicofmacedonia: Jana Burčeska-Dance Alone

The difference between a non-qualifier and a song that finishes last is the performance. In fact, many songs that have finished last through the years have been good songs, destroyed completely by a bad performance (I’m willing to bet that Iceland came last in semi 1, there were lots of worse songs but the performance is what sunk it). 

The formeryugoslavianrepublicofmacedonian song is actually one of the better pop songs this year, but as soon as i saw previews of the performance I knew it would have a really hard time qualifying. I hope I’m wrong, because the song is fire. 

7/10

4: Malta: Claudia Faniello-Breathlessly

Thank fucking god there are so few ballads tonight, after semi 1 I never wanna hear another ballad in my entire life. 

3/10

5: Romania: Ilinca ft. Alex Florea-Yodel It!

How does a human being come up with this concept? Did they write down random music genres on a dartboard to come up with this unholy genre combination? Why is it so catchy? Why do I like this? Who cares?

10/10

6: The Netherlands: OG3NE Lights and Shadows

This song basically exists under the assumption that these girls can make anything sounds amazing. Their vocal harmonies are fantastic, but the song is just a tired cliché, and that’s not enough. I’m sure their voices will sound great though.

4/10

7: Hungary: Joci Pápai-Origo

Not that the bar is raised very high to begin with, but this is definitely the best attempt at fusing rap and traditional music I’ve ever heard. It’s monotonous and somber, but it definitely works. Also, if you squint and turn your TV upside down, the singer kinda resembles Oscar Isaac. That’s a nice bonus.

7/10

8: Denmark: Anja-Where I Am

Denmark, which is my favorite third world country, hasn’t been to the grand final since 2014, and I find that way funnier than I should. It would be fun if they missed another final, but at the same time I almost think this singer deserves a little better. 

This song is just so fucking boring, but the juries might put it through based on a strong vocal performance. 

3/10

9: Ireland: Brendan Murray-Dying to Try

If this song was called Trying to Die i would probably enjoy it a lot more. It would make the staging fit the song even better, it could end with the hot air balloon exploding and killing little Brendan! I’d vote for that.

(EDIT: When I say “killing little Brendan”, I mean fake dying like Lady Gaga at the 2009 VMAs, you know, just for drama. I’m really sorry if it sounded like some kind of death threat!)

3/10

10: San Marino: Valentina Monetta and Jimmie Wilson-Spirit of the Night

Who is this random american dude and who tricked him into singing with Valentina? Did Uncle Siegel lure him into a white van?

[Edit: I just found out that the “random american dude” has played the lead in a german musical about President Obama, and that’s the weirdest fucking thing I’ve heard all week. Now I just hear Obama’s voice whenever Jimmy sings.]

Most countries don’t let artists who fail in ESC represent them again, but San Marino isn’t most countries. Is it possible that Valentina is the only singer in the country, and they don’t have a choice but to send her? She’s actually a pretty fun performer, but i wish they’d finally give her a decent song, this is a dated mess (but a fun dated mess).

3/10

11: Croatia: Jacques Houdek-My Friend

I know schizofrenic isn’t the right word to describe this, but it’s the first thing that comes to mind. The way he switches between his Big Important Opera voice and his Boyband Voice is a trainwreck, his stupid fucking outfit is a trainwreck, the italian lyrics are stupid, and the fact that Croatia’s “Homophobe of the year” is singing this disaster in front of a goddamn double rainbow takes it to a new level of awful.

With that said, the grand final wouldn’t be complete without this catastrophe.

?/10 (can not be rated in any human number system)

12: Norway: JOWST-Grab The Moment

I can’t decide if I like this or not...It’s decent for radio but I’m not sure if it’s interesting enough for Eurovision. Probably not qualifying.

4/10

13: Switzerland: Timebelle-Apollo

This song is about as interesting as watching yellow paint dry, but at least the singer has the best eyebrows I’ve seen in a long time.

4/10

14: Belarus: Naviband-Story of My Life

Goddamn hippies. 

6/10 

15: Bulgaria: Kristian Kostov-Beautiful Mess

The only song from this semi that could end up in the top 3. Super modern. but I still feel like it’s more of a slow radio hit. 

7/10

16: Lithuania: Fusedmarc-Rain Of Revolution

I’m willing to say that this is the worst song of the year. It can’t even be compared to any human music genre on earth, it’s just aimless screaming over a bland instrumental that tries to be dramatic. It’s not even funny, I just hate it. 

0/10

17: Estonia: Koit Toome & Laura-Verona

When I first heard this song, I thought it was a mistake. A dated, boring mistake. However, after hearing it in rehearsals over and over it has definitely become a favorite of mine. 

I hear people are calling it an 80′s throwback, but I’d say it sounds more like swedish schlager from the early 2000s, production-wise. In fact, I think if this song had competed in Melfest in ~2003, it would have won, it’s schlager perfection. No matter how good I think it is though, the fact that it sounds dated will bring it down, but I hope it qualifies. Estonia deserves it after last year’s disaster.

9/10 

18: Israel: IMRI-I Feel Alive

I just really miss Golden Boy when I hear this song. Couldn’t they at least recycle some of the choreography? 

5/10