#that led quickly to thinking about how it affects how i read tolkien who can evoke evil or sanctity or mysticism /so/ satisfyingly

[anghraine]

Sometimes it's interesting to be a firm agnostic but also to feel a strong attraction to the concept of the sacred and/or mystical. I'm not sure attraction is even the right word—but art that leans into a sense of sanctity or mysticism is intensely appealing to me in a very fundamental way, especially when coupled with a sense of grandeur or glory. And ritual, I love a good religious ritual.

My family's religious background is Mormon, Catholic, and Greek Orthodox, so it's not really surprising. But it's like, despite the standard religious damage, and despite being deeply skeptical of anything smacking of the supernatural, I love entering the headspace of characters with a strong religious sensibility, I love visual art caught up in the sacred, I love fiction that can give you a sense of the mystical in ritual, I love when I'm expected to believe there's something sanctified in a building or relic or rock (real or not), I love visual or narrative art that can truly evoke a sense of the divine.

At the same time, I don't believe it. Nor do I wholly disbelieve it, I'm just like ... eh, idk, this is not in the realm of knowable information. But damn do I feel the appeal of religious conviction.

(This whole train of thought got started because I was thinking about how much I love playing clerics, lol. Anyway)

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Twenty ~ Haldir

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1650

Warnings: None

A/n Hi! Sorry, I know I’m a day late -- I have family in town so I’m soaking up all the time with them that I can. This one is short (and a lil fluffy/angsty), and this chapter and the next are kind of a rest before we hit the next act of this story! Sooo gear up! I’m excited!!! 

I shut the door behind Orophin and Lavandil.

Cosima flops onto her bed, staring at the ceiling. “That was awful.”

I make a noise of general agreement. I hadn’t expected my brothers to take the news happily, but I didn’t think Rumil would completely shut me out. I have no doubts that he will eventually come around, but his reaction is still distressing.

Cosima raises up on her forearms, looking at me in concern. “Are you okay?”

I nod, making my way towards her bed. “It may take some time, but I know my brothers. All will be well.”

She scoots from the middle to the far side of her bed and pats the space next to her. I accept the invitation, lying on my back at her side. Vaguely, I notice that her bed is much larger and comfier than mine. I turn to tease her about it, try and cheer us both up, but she’s fiddling with her fingers. I guess neither of us is feeling particularly lighthearted at the moment.

“What is it?”

She sighs, staring up at the ceiling rather than at me. I nudge her arm gently, trying to prompt an answer.

She bites her lip. “You’ve said that you can make your own choices, and I get that, but I’ve got to ask—are you sure? You don’t have to stay with me just because you said you wanted to. I know what you’re sacrificing, and you don’t have to—”

I cut her off, kissing her forcefully. She sucks in a breath and I use that to my advantage, drawing her deeper into the kiss. She recovers from her shock quickly though, and slides a hand up my chest in that way I adore and is slowly becoming familiar. I pull away but keep a firm hold on the side of her face. “Please push these thoughts from your mind. Whatever the future holds, I am in it with you. And a future without you? I don’t want it. It would be different, had I never met you, but the Valar blessed me. They brought an impossible woman into my life. And I have no intention of letting her go.”

The sadness in her eyes breaks, replaced with a look of tenderness that I work hard to memorize. I let the hand on the side of her face slide to rest on her hip.

She places a kiss on my jaw, taking her time to respond, aware that she has my complete attention. “If I had to wake up in a different world with no memories, I am immensely glad you were there. Being with you is worth all that I’ve left behind. Even if I did remember it, I would choose you.”

I exhale slowly, basking in her words. I’ve never been vulnerable with someone before — bearing my heart and hoping they don’t crush it — and every time I open my mouth to confess something to Cosima, there’s the fear that she will shut me down, that she won’t return my feelings. But her words just now, as well as her actions from the past few days, help allay my fears.

“It’s getting late,” she breathes, face mere inches from mine. “You could stay the night?”

My hand on her hip tenses. No, I remind myself. I should go back to my room. But the words that come out of my mouth are not what I told myself to say. “I would not be intruding?”

“No,” Cosima smiles, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I would very much like it if you stayed.”

We are both adults. If she wants me to stay and I want me to stay, then there’s no reason to leave. “Then stay, I shall,” I murmur, dropping my lips to press against hers.

She kisses me languidly for a while before her lips shift into a grin. I pull back with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re the one who has to get up and blow out the candles,” she declares, her tone full of mirth. “That’s really the only reason I asked you to stay.”

I snort, but push myself off the bed, headed for the first candle I see. “I knew it couldn’t be because you love me. That’s too easy.”

“And pull the curtains,” she adds, lifting the duvet so she can crawl underneath it. I watch her slide her eyes shut, smile still spread over her face as she tries not to laugh.

Cosima and I have slept in each other’s company before, and we will do so again for the three weeks of our journey to Lothlórien. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is completely different. It will be the two of us alone, in a bedroom, when we have acknowledged our feelings for each other.

But despite the nerves and the gravity of the situation, it feels completely natural to spend the night with Cosima. I long for her presence during the day, and the night is no different.

And with precious little time together, shouldn’t I seize on every moment?

I blow out the candle nearest to me. It darkens the shadows in the room. I extinguish the remaining candles, close the curtains, and then return to the bed. Cosima has thrown the covers back on what I suppose is my side, making it easy for me to climb in next to her. After the slightest moment of hesitation, I do so. I reach for her, wrap my arms around her and cross them over her stomach, then pull her against my chest. It reminds me of a variation on what I did our very first day of training, an action that caused me no small amount of distress. But now it seems there is no limit to the ways I can hold her, and I plan to explore them all.

Cosima chuckles, evidently pleased with this development. “You remembered the human way.”

“I am capable of adapting,” I respond, dropping my face into her neck.

Her laugh turns into a sigh when I begin a trail of kisses there. “I have a question.”

I hum, continuing my pattern. “Yes, my love?”

She pauses to beam at the phrase. When she speaks, the smile is still in her voice. “Rumil asked if we had bonded yet, and then when you said no, he said there’s still ‘time’. What did he mean by that?”

My lips freeze against her neck. I sigh, shifting to lie on my side and pressing on her shoulder so she���ll turn to face me. I figured we would need to have this conversation at some point, but I hadn’t counted on now. And it’s not the potential for awkwardness that makes me wish I could keep my mouth shut — no, we could get past that — it’s the fear that, once she knows there’s still technically a step we have to take in order for my soul to perish once hers leaves me, that she will end this.

But it is not right to withhold information from her so, with another deep breath, I explain. “He was talking about the bonding of the fæs — in the literal sense. But I love you, I am committed to you, and nothing can change that, so Rumil’s whole notion of ‘time’ doesn’t really apply here.”

Her eyes narrow as she zeroes in on exactly what I’m careening around. “Say there’s some wiggle room.”

“There’s not.”

“But if there were,” she presses, obviously not interested in letting this go.

I sigh. “Traditionally, elves have used sex as a way to facilitate the spiritual bonding of the fæs. That’s what constitutes an elven wedding — that’s what represents and solidifies the commitment. Since we have not had sex, Rumil thinks our fæs are not bonded, so there is time to break the commitment between us without it affecting me.”

She sits up, opening her mouth to comment.

I hurry to sit up as well and cut off her words before she can take this idea and run with it. “But our situation is different. The whole concept of the fæs bonding is not a blanket statement that covers every relationship — there is a lot of choice involved, we are not without agency. And I have chosen.”

She smiles somewhat sadly, letting her fingers drum over my knee. “I wish I was an easier choice.”

I catch her hand in mine. “I quite like where my choices have led me.”

She leans against me, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. “I love you.” She shifts, lying down and tugging on my arm to pull me with her. “Let’s go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

I stretch out behind her, then twist the strands of her hair through my fingers. She’s silent, and I worry that, despite my efforts to reassure her, she’s still sad. I know she can’t help it, but I wish that we could leave all this struggle and moroseness behind. In my view, the future is set, my path is clear. Struggling over what that means will not halt the end, nor change it, so we shouldn’t waste time worrying over it. We should prepare how we can and then enjoy our lives together.

Cosima tucks her head into my neck and tangles one of her legs through mine. The action — so unexpected yet so natural — gives me hope that, soon, she and I can fall into a life together. Maybe Lothlórien is the key. Maybe once she can clearly see what our future looks like — a home, friendships, family, meals together at the end of a long day, exploring Lothlórien’s extensive forests and blue-green lakes, festivals, sunrises, all the wonderful things about my home, our home, she can allow herself to be happy.

And I will do everything I can to help her get there.

A/n Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs are always so appreciated! Also, I think I made EVERYONE sad with that last chapter, I’m so sorry. But I LOVE that we all collectively love Rumil and want him to be happy forever, right? Soooo, c’mon, hit me with some happy Rumil headcannons <3

|next chapter|

|masterlist|

Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande 

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist @that-cute-stranger

Double Heart tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff @sleepyamygdala @thranduilseyebrows

*Strikethrough means Tumblr won’t let me tag you :(*

[normal-thoughts-official]

Fandom racism anon here and yeah absolutely (I didn't realise I had anon on lol)

Because while LOTR has problems within its themes (ie the orcs can be seen as to be coded as people of colour, especially since they ride elephants) the explicit message of the book is evil bad

Because the only people who work for sauron are evil. There are no morally grey people, they aren't misguided or tricked they just are evil and want to take over the world

And yeah I totally agree that this is more of a literal take on like empirical war (is that the word) and that makes total sense considering Tolkiens history

Whereas I would say that the allegories in shaowhunters is way more based on racial conflict within a country itself especially slavery, I can't remember if this is show Canon but is it that they have the warlock tropheys? I remember that in the books magnus talks about shadowhunters hanging warlock marks on their walls? (sorry to bring the books up)

Idk it's very hollow to me, unlike with LOTR though it's a different allegory it's totally irritating to show many of these supremecists as morally misled. LOTR says bad guys are bad guys, shadowhunters says well yeah they did follow a guy which thinks that downworlders are subhuman and should be eradicated but they just made a mistake

I want to compare this to tfatws which while it isn't really fantasy I just feel like it shows how the priorities of the writer can impact the message of the show so powerfully (I know u aren't up to date so I'm gonna be pretty vague)

There's a scene in tfatws where the new white perfect captain America does something bad and doesn't pay for the consequences - done to comment on white privelege and how America condones white supremacy and how Sam is in comparison to that

Mayrse and Robert revealed to be part of the circle! And paid no consequences Shock horror my parents were the bad guys (even rho they were either implicitly or explicitly extremely racist the entire time) also I haven't finished the seires but do the lightwoods ever try to get their parents to face the consequences?)

Only one actual really critiques the situation and the reality behind it whereas the other one is just to centre the white characters once again and present them in a further sympathetic light

AND ANOTHER THING! I was mostly talking about show Canon here and I'm sorry to bring up the books but I literally can't believe I hadn't picked up in this before.

So like downworlders = people of colour, Simon is a vampire so is coded as a person of colour. However in the books in the last one he stops being a vampire and becomes a shadowhunters instead, coincidentally that's also when he starts dating Izzy HOW IS THIS ABLE TO HAPPEN!!????

I mean I know cassandra clare is lazy right? The original seires is by far the worst of all her writings but come ON!!!!! By the allegory has he become the white man!????? These books made no fuckin sense when I read them at 15 and they make no sense now I'm digressing anyways

I don't know man I wrote this ask because I was trying to find some fantasy book recommendations on booktube and SO MANY of them were about slavery or general ly extrême préjudice with à White protagonist to save this 'poor souls'.

Also I was watching guardians of the galexy the other day and realised nearly every movie set in space is just bigger stakes imperialism - planets instead of countries. Literally star wars, star trek, guardians of the galexy 2, avengers infinity war - all are facing genocidal imperialistic villains without actually paying much, if any attention to those effected

Just writing this ask made me exhausted I'm so tired of lazy writing and exploiting other people's struggle. I'm white and I'm trying to be more critical about the movies, shows and books I watch and read but let me know if I said something off here❤️❤️ you gotta get up to date with tfatws man, Sambucky nation is THRIVING!!!!

i'm not sure i agree that the whole "the evil people are evil" thing is a good thing, because i feel like more often than not making the bad characters just like... unidimensionally evil just means that the reader will be like "lol i could NEVER be that guy" and when it comes to racism that is a dangerous road to take because white people already believe that racism is something that Only The Most Evil People, Ergo, Not Me, Can Do, which makes discussions of stuff like subconscious racial bias and active antiracist work become more difficult because people don't believe they CAN be racist unless they're like, Lord Voldemort

which is not to say that racism should be treated as morally ambiguous, just that the workings of racism should be represented as something that is not done only by the Most Hardcore And Evil, but rather as a part of a system of oppression that affects the way everyone sees the world and interacts with it and lives in it

yes the warlock trophies are mentioned in the show, albeit very quickly (there is a circle member who tells magnus that his cat eyes will make "a nice addition to his collection" and then it's never mentioned again because this is sh and we love using racism for shock value but then not actually treating it as a serious plot point or something that affects oppressed ppl). and you are absolutely right, shadowhunters (and hp, and most fantasy books) has genocide as its core conflict and treats it, like you said, in a very hollow way, treating racism as both not a big deal and not something that is part of a system of oppression, but really the actions of a few Very Bad People. it's almost impressive how they manage to do both at the same time tbh

i think you hit the nail right on the head with this comment, actually. for most of these works, racism is SHOCK VALUE. it's just like "lol isn't it bad that this bad guy wants to kill a gazillion people just because they are muggles? now that is fucked up" but it's not actually an issue. in fact, when this guy is defeated, the whole problem is over! racism is not something that is embedded into that world, it's not a systemic issue, it's not even actually part of what drives the plot. the things that led to this person not only existing but rising to power and gathering enough followers to be a real threat to the whole world are never mentioned. it's like racists are born out of thin air, which is dangerously close to implying that racism is just a natural part of life, tbh

anyway my point is, it is never supposed to be questioned, it is never part of a deeper plot or story, its implications are barely addressed except for a few fleeting comments them and there; so, it's not a critique, it's shock value, even though it is frequently disguised as a critique (which is always empty and shallow anyway. like what is the REAL critique in works like hp or sh/tsc other than "genocide is bad"? wow such a groundbreaking take evelyn)

about simon and the book thing: i actually knew about this and the weird thing about this is that, like... simon is jewish, and he's implied to be ashkenazi (calls his grandma bubbe which is yiddish, which is a language spoken by the ashkenazi ppl), and it seems like cc is always toeing the line between him being accepted by shadowhunters and then not accepted by them, which sounds a lot like antisemitic tropes and history of swinging between (ashkenazi) jewish ppl being seen as the model minority myth and thus used as an example by white christians, and being hated and persecuted. i'm not super qualified to talk about this since i'm not jewish and i'm still learning about/unlearning antisemitism and its tropes, and i don't really have a fully formed thought on that, tbh; it just reminds me of the whole "model minority" swinging, where one second simon is part of the majority, the other he's not, but always he is supposed to give up a part of himself and his identity in other to be "assimilated" by shadowhunter culture. this article (link) covers a book on jewish people and assimilationism into USan culture, this article (link) covers british jews' relationship with being considered an ethnic group, and this article (link) talks a bit about the model minority myth from the perspective of an asian jewish woman

it just really calls to my attention that cc chose to make her ashkenazi jewish character start off as a downworlder and then become a shadowhunter. i don't think she made that decision as a conscious nod to this history, because it would require being informed on antisemitism lol but it's incredible how you can always see bigoted stereotypes shining through her narrative choices completely by accident. it just really shows how ingrained it is in our collective minds and culture

and anyway, making a character go from the oppressed group to just suddenly become the oppressor is just. wtf. not how oppression works, but most of all, really disrespectful, especially because she clearly treats it as an "upgrade"/"glowup" that earns him the Love Of His Life

also, out of curiosity, are you french? it seems like your autocorrect changed a few words and i'm pretty sure extrême and préjudice are the french versions of these words, and since u said ur white, that's where my money would be lol

[withasmoothroundstone]

Sam, eager to see more, went now and joined the guards. He scrambled a little way up into one of the larger of the bay-trees. For a moment he caught a glimpse of swarthy men in red running down the slope some way off with green-clad warriors leaping after them, hewing them down as they fled.  Arrows were thick in the air. Then suddenly straight over the rim of their sheltering bank, a man fell, crashing through the slender trees, nearly on top of them. He came to rest in the fern a few feet away, face downward, green arrow-feathers sticking from his neck below a golden collar. His scarlet robes were tattered, his corslet of overlapping brazen plates was rent and hewn, his black plaits of hair braided with gold were drenched with blood. His brown hand still clutched the hilt of a broken sword. It was Sam’s first view of a battle of Men against Men, and he did not like it much. He was glad that he could not see the dead face. He wondered what the man’s name was and where he came from; and if he was really evil of heart, or what lies or threats had led him on the long march from his home; and if he would not really rather have stayed there in peace – all in a flash of thought which was quickly driven from his mind.

J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings book 4, chapter 4 - “Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit”

Sometimes you can be pretty sure that something conveyed in a book was, at minimum, an emotional reality the author was familiar with.  Tolkien was a veteran of World War I.  World War I changed the way everyone viewed war -- the scale and destruction were totally different.  And while he hated people trying to find exact symbolic parallels between things in his work and things in his writing, the way he writes about war would be impossible prior to World War I.

If you want to get an idea of how World War I changed the world, I can tell you what finally got it through to me, and it’s likely a surprise to anyone who hasn’t read the series:  L. M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables.  The whole series.  In chronological order (not order they were written in, but order according to the storyline).

Because most of the series is written in a pre-WWI world.  But one book — Rilla of Ingleside — takes place during World War I.  And everything changes.  Everything.  Reading the loss of innocence that happens at that point in the series mirrors the loss of innocence of a lot of the world after that war.  Having been born during the last part of the Cold War,  I’ve never known a world with the kind of innocence that came before World War I, World War II, and the Cold War with its constant neverending threat of nuclear war.  I’d been told how World War I had changed things, but it frankly hadn’t interested me.

Rilla of Ingleside, by the way, is the only book about Canadian women’s experience of World War I, written by a Canadian woman who had lived through World War I.  It really deserves more fame — and reading — than it gets.  It charts what happens to Anne’s family, particularly her spoiled daughter Rilla, during the war.  Their collective loss of innocence, Anne’s lament that the only use for her famously vivid and fanciful imagination now was to constantly imagine her sons dead in a foreign country, the sheer number of men lost, people abandoning babies leaving them to die because they can’t cope with the stress anymore, and even body lice(!) make their appearances in this book.  

It’s still an Anne of Green Gables book, but it takes the characters, treats them like real people, and puts them through the situation of World War I in a way that is startlingly realistic.  And knowing those characters, having grown up knowing those characters, knowing everything about those characters before the point of that book — watching the changes in each of them showed me the impact of WWI in a way little else ever has.  Sometimes it’s easier to see something through the eyes of one tiny place and time and one tiny group of people, than it is to see it written about broadly.  It makes it personal.  It shows you how real people were affected.  And L. M. Montgomery does an amazing job with that book.  I got the impression that, some fanciful elements aside, the things she wrote about were the things she’d seen.

Anyway, back to the quote of Tolkien’s...

It’s Memorial Day.  And it’s supposed to be a day of honoring our soldiers who died at war.  And…

Everyone says that you can’t honor soldiers and criticize their actions at the same time.  That you have to just say, “They sacrificed their lives to fight for American freedom,” and leave it at that.  And I can’t say that — not exactly.  Because I don’t believe every war has been about protecting our freedoms or anyone else’s.  I don’t believe every war has had noble motivations.  I don’t believe ever war has had good consequences.  I don’t believe that Americans are always the “good guys” in a war.  I don’t believe that there is always a side that is the “good guys” in a war — Tolkien said to his son who was in World War II, that one of his inaccuracies in Lord of the Rings was, to quote him directly:  “Not that in real life things are as clear cut as in a story, and we started out with a great many Orcs on our side.”  

In other words, there’s good and bad people, and everything in between, on every side of every war.   People’s reasons for fighting are so varied and complex that you can’t sum it all up as self-sacrifice to defend freedom.  But I guess I can say — whether or not a war has actually been about defending our freedoms, I can appreciate the sacrifices of people who went and died in wars of all kinds believing they were protecting freedom, or honor, or their homeland, or other important things.  I can understand and honor their sacrifice even if there are cases where I don’t believe what they believe about the exact nature of what they were doing in any particular war.

And we can’t forget that many people are forced into wars.  People get drafted.  People (especially poor people and other people without a lot of power) get lured in with the promise of a free education or other such things, never believing they’ll really have to fight, then they go off and fight and die.  Some are more aware of the risk but take that calculated risk, and it kills them.  Some get expertly lied to by recruiters who specifically target poor people and people of color and have learned what promises to make to lure them in.   And let me be clear:  Being lured into this is not a sign of stupidity and I’m not looking down on people it happens to.  Everyone is susceptible to persuasion, and believing yourself not susceptible (because you’re “smart enough to know better” or whatever) only renders you more susceptible in the end.

Some people go to war because they are conscience-free adrenaline junkies who have found a place where killing is honored and danger keeps them in a hyped-up state they find thrilling.  I have no desire to honor them, regardless of what they do or don’t do.  They didn’t die for a noble cause — not even for an imagined noble cause — they died because they liked killing and got into a dangerous situation they couldn’t get out of.

Anyway, I have a huge respect for anyone who dies in a war believing that they have sacrificed their life for their country or for a good cause.  I respect their intentions — whether or not what they thought they were doing is actually what they were doing.  It takes a lot of courage to put yourself in that position fully believing in what you are doing.

I also have a lot of respect for soldiers who die trying to keep other soldiers, or civilians, from getting killed.  Regardless of other context.

So in my own way I do honor most dead soldiers.  But it doesn’t mean I have to agree with the wars they were in.  It doesn’t mean I have to agree that their belief they were fighting for freedom actually meant they were fighting for freedom, serving their country, or any of the other cliches that are trotted out to justify every war, even wars that are clearly about power and conquest and money more than anyone’s freedom at all.

Mind you, I think even necessary wars are horrible.  It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go to war in certain circumstances — if people were invading my country to conquer or destroy it, I would probably fight in any way I could, if I thought it would be constructive to do so.  But there is no real winner in a war, both sides lose important things.  And war in general is awful and you can’t sugarcoat that with tales of heroism and sacrifice.  But I can fully appreciate what that sacrifice means to those who believe in it — whether they are right or wrong.  And that includes many people on both sides of any given war — not just the side my country happens to be on.  I’m not one of those people who thinks my country is always on the good side of wars, somehow.  I don’t even think it’s possible for any country to be consistently on the good side, and I don’t think there is always any good side at all.  And to think what the USA has been doing to other countries lately is good, is stretching the meaning of good well beyond the breaking point.

But I can still honor the fact that people have given their lives for their country, for many different reasons, whether or not I think they should have been there in the first place.  And like Tolkien, I think if I were in a war and met with the other side I would not see only evil — I would see good and evil on both sides, and I would see otherwise good people (on both sides) pushed into situations where they’re doing evil things.  War can bring out people’s best qualities sometimes, but it frequently brings out our worst qualities as well.

And I think pretending that every time Americans go to war and die, they’re sacrificing their lives for the wonderful American ideals of freedom and democracy and etc., doesn’t help anyone.  And doesn’t really more than superficially honor dead soldiers, because many soldiers die horribly disillusioned after seeing what’s really going on, and many soldiers aren’t there for those idealistic reasons, and many soldiers are there for idealistic reasons but their idealism doesn’t match the reality of what the war is really about because they’ve been sold a line of BS somewhere along the line.

So my thoughts on Memorial Day are complicated at best.  But don’t ever mistake my lack of belief that everyone who dies in a war is sacrificing their life for a beautiful heroic ideal… for the idea that I think soldiers are stupid or worthless or something.  Or for the idea that I don’t recognize that when they sacrifice their lives for an ideal, they’re still doing something important for what they believe in, even if I don’t agree with their belief that the war is really about that ideal at all.

At the same time, don’t mistake the fact that I truly do honor dead American soldiers, for being against soldiers on the other side of whatever war is in question.  And don’t mistake it for the idea that I somehow really do support every war America has ever been involved in.

And yes, it’s possible to have complicated beliefs about these things.  And yes, I have relatives who’ve been in the military, some survived and some didn’t.  

Among those who didn’t survive:   A cousin of my dad’s father, who enlisted for who knows what reason, and ended up dying at the hands of his own side.  I don’t mean “friendly fire”.  I mean something much worse than that.  I mean that he was unwittingly used to study the effects of nuclear bombs on human beings and died of the biological consequences of severe radiation exposure.  

I don’t know why he enlisted.  I don’t know if he thought he was serving his country, or if he was there for economic reasons (most of my family has been poor, for generations), or something else.  All I know is they put him and other low-ranking soldiers in a trench in Nevada and exploded a nuke in front of them to see what, if anything, it would do.  

He died as a result of his military service, he probably thought he was serving his country, but he sure as hell didn’t ever voluntarily agree to be a guinea pig for the effects of nuclear bombs on human beings.  So on Memorial Day I remember him most of all, and it feels like such a fucking destructive devious disgusting waste.  And pretending that my country was honorable in killing him and that he somehow sacrificed his life for American freedom doesn’t seem to honor his memory whatsofuckingever.

[tifarobles]

Authors That Influenced My Writing

As an aspiring writer, I feel like it’s beneficial to think about the roots of my creativity. My inspiration largely came from video games, but there are definitely authors that have influenced my style of writing and storytelling approach.

William Goldman:

The timing of this post is largely due to the death of my all-time favorite author. R.I.P. William Goldman. His telling of The Princess Bride (1973) inspired me more than any other piece of written fiction in the types of stories I want to tell. The fantasy, romantic love, and fairy tale overtones opened up a world of possibilities for my imagination to explore. In my novel, you will also find a princess, a pirate, complicated love stories, and adventurous travels.

C. S. Lewis:

As a young child, I read the seven book series of The Chronicles of Narnia (1950) from front to back. Before I dive into my love of this series, I would like to point out that I did not grow up in a traditionally Christian household. I read this piece as fiction and was fairly oblivious to the strong Christian themes up until the last book in the series. I read this series looking at Narnia as a place for escapism into a land of wondrous fantasy. 

The beautiful world that C. S. Lewis described inspired me to create beautiful lands of my own. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1952) was by far my favorite piece in the series. This particular story appealed to me for a number of reasons. Mainly, I enjoyed seeing more of the world outside of Narnia and the colorful descriptions that allowed me to see, smell, and taste the journey as though I was on it myself. I was excited by the mythical creatures and mystical lands with a variety of characters and stories to discover and unfold. My favorite character from the series, Reepicheep, had a starring role and I really enjoyed an entire plot that did not rely on a centralized villain for conflict.

Louisa May Alcott:

Little Women (1868) might have been the first piece of literature I read that was centralized around the coming of age stories of women. This story was the largest influence for my path as a feminist writer. This novel was a work of feminism for the time, exploring the themes of what is expected of women versus what makes them happy. This literature was a fundamentally new genre, questioning the constraints of gender and following quests and story arcs of different women, introduced in a romantic children’s story. It shows a range that women can be, breaking the walls of society’s expectations. The protagonists have different strengths, desires, and appearances, yet they are all heroines in their own way.

George Eliot:

Another piece of feminism from the 1800s that influenced my view of writing about love from a feminist perspective, The Mill on the Floss (1860) examines themes of forbidden love, the restraints of class, and the complications of family relationships. The main character Maggie is in a near constant struggle between her desires and doing what is culturally accepted. Throughout the story, Maggie proves to have a strong sense of free will, always choosing her own fate, regardless of the societal circumstances. Fun fact: George Eliot’s real name is Mary Anne Evans. She took on this male pen name to ensure her work would be taken seriously.

J. K. Rowling:

My father brought home the first book of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone (1997) when I was the same age as Harry. My mom and I read it together in my bedroom and for years, I grew up with Harry. Going through similar experiences as a teenager (minus all the awesome magical stuff and terrible He Who Must Not Be Named nemesis), these fantasy books helped me to cope with bullies and not fitting in, and allowed me to escape into a world where I would fit in, a world full of magic, bravery, and curiosity. These books taught me that anything was possible in my imagination, which helped me to write fantasy myself.

J. R. R. Tolkien:

While I was a HUGE fangirl of the Lord of the Rings movies, The Hobbit (1937) is the piece of Tolkien literature that influenced my writing the most. I enjoyed and learned from his ability to describe scenery in incredible depth. The Hobbit introduces the beautiful world of Middle-Earth from the perspective of a humble hobbit. There was something encouraging for me to watch a simple hobbit become a hero in a fantasy world full of enchanting elves, strong dwarves, and powerful wizards. I would have enjoyed the story, even more, had there been some significant female characters.

Janet Fitch:

White Oleander (1999) affected me in a very unique way as a teenage girl, opening up my eyes to the reality of the cruel world and the dangers that exist for women. Janet Fitch’s ability to portray the main character, Astrid’s thoughts and feelings through a variety of tragedies influenced me to deeply engage with the introspective voices of my own characters. The themes of a coming-of-age story also encouraged me to focus on that genre myself, feeling like this is a crucial part of the impact of young adult fiction.

Jayne Anne Phillips:

Another coming of age story with themes of family relationships and a deep exploration of the introspective voices of different perspectives, Lark and Termite (2008) was the most memorable novel I read in college. The aspect that was particularly moving was the chapters from the perspective of the character, Termite, a young boy without the ability to walk or talk. Seeing into the thoughts of a radiant child with a disability further exposed the importance of writing about a variety of diverse perspectives to me. The writing throughout the novel is beautiful and engages with the reader in different ways, depending on the point of view of the chapter. This is something I try to emulate as well.

Suzanne Collins:

My love for The Hunger Games (2008) started with the first movie but quickly led me to read all three books back to back, crying when they were finished. Katniss’s character speaks to me in a way that is difficult to describe. She represents a darker side of me than what I think the world sees. Her determination, bravery, and ability to adapt and survive while staying true to herself and what she feels is right are all traits I want to embody. I hope that my protagonists can have a similar effect on young women and girls.

Shakespeare:

I couldn’t possibly write about what authors inspire me without mentioning the work of William Shakespeare. It’s hard for me to chose one story to focus on when a lot of his work has inspired me to delve into a variety of characters. I took multiple classes in college analyzing his work and the various themes he examined, including gender, romance, sexuality, politics, tragedy, death, and comedy. He was unafraid of controversy and strayed away from the classic guidelines for comedy and tragedy, often mixing the two genres. I will say that I think Romeo and Juliet (1597) is his best work of art, creating a cliche for generations to relate to, mock, and scrutinize. It accurately portrays how strong young love can feel and how naive, yet natural that feeling is. In a lot of ways, Shakespeare redefined romance and to this day he influences storytelling.

Honorable Mention: Sherman Alexie - I wanted to give a small shout out to the only well-known author (that I know of) who went to the same high school that I did. His success motivated me into believing that I could make it outside the walls of that small town.