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[stellaraify]

celeste and jesse irl

oo paboritong pelikula ko ang i’m drunk i love you. ikaw ba naman magkaroon ng 7 years unrequited love. kaunti nalang malalapasan ko na ang 7 years na pagmamahal ni carson kay dio, pero ayoko na paabutin yun dun.

isa pa sa mga paborito kong pelikula ang meet me in st. gallen. siguro mas dito na ako makakarelate ngayon. kabisado ko pa nga linyahan ni celeste dun. 

“tama ka, i made you my ideal man kaya di ka pwedeng masira sa’kin” 

it hits me nung binitawan ni celeste ang linyang yan. napasabi pa ako ng “same teh” kasi same talaga ng naranasan ko yung nangyayari sa kanila ni jesse. the no-label shits. but behind that pa-joke na pagsabi nun, i was hurt. masakit kasi ganun talaga ginawa ko. i choose to see the good in him. walang wala sa akin lahat ng kagaguhan and the disrespect. hindi ko magawang magalit sakanya kasi pinili ko naman ‘to. i choose to stay kahit na sobrang labo. urong sulong ganun. 

“baka ganito talaga tayo. dumadaan lang. never to stay”

the moment my tears decided to fall was when celeste said that line. na realize ko ganun din siguro kami. we are meant to meet at some points (yes, POINTS) of our life and make each other happy. tapos pag nawala na yung thrill, balik strangers ulit. hindi talaga siguro kami meant to stay with each other. kaya pakyu sa mga horoscope shits na nagsasabi na good combi ang gemini at cancer (somehow it gives me hope)

after crying one night before kasi hindi ko talaga alam kung kaya ko na siya i-let go, naalala ko si celeste. after that night i watched the movie again and decided that i will be like celeste. mapaglaro ang araw na yun, i attended the 6pm mass sa st. jude. umupo pa ako sa pinakaunahang sit. jokes on me kasi ang homily is about letting go. it’s like the universe is telling me to do it. i take that as a sign and tell myself na baka it’s time to cut the thin thread. baka hanggang dito nalang talaga itong kung ano man ito (situationship or what) 

totoo nga ang sinabi nila, may dalawa lang outcome ang ganitong set-up. it’s either you’ll end up with each other or you’re gonna walk away with a broken heart. the sad part is, i’m the latter. pero sabi nga ni jesse, 

“you don’t break hearts on christmas day, bawal yun” 

kaya ‘di ko na paabutin ‘tong pasko. i’m finally setting myself free 🌻

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he is not good as i made him to be.

a phrase i keep repeating to myself to keep the anger with me burning. because if i put out the fire, i know all too well that i will wait for you with my doors wide open. the nights i spent crying while whispering curses under my tongue were also the nights i begged to the heaven above to ease the pain of losing you.

if i will have a chance to try once more, i know that i will embrace the pain of being with you rather than losing you. but something in the back of my mind tells me otherwise: if i have needed you in the future, you would’ve stayed. you were my season. you were a part of me, and now you aren’t. but for now, i will wait for you until i cannot wait any longer. for now, i will love you as long as i could until my heart gets numb. for now, i will let you rob the deepest parts of my mind to fill the void you left. for now, i will mourn for your absence until your presence becomes something i could not recognize.

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Today, I looked in the mirror and saw a version of me who’s no longer seventeen. Her eyes looked tired from hours of crying over a petty thing last night, some thinks she’s overly sensitive. She touched her cheek and her hand felt rough. Callused maybe from never getting tired to pick herself up when the weight of the world is pinning her down. There are lines in her forehead, and somehow I know that these lines are from the little worries and pains that keep on piling up. 

Then she smiled. A little.

A little curved of her lips, one for a little victory. A simple gesture of relief, knowing that while things are unbearable now, she’s still here. Existing. Maybe things will get better all the worries and pains will subside. But for now, we stare at each other and take a second to admire what life made us look like - a little disheveled. After all, those tired and teary eyes keep our secrets. 

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Lately, I've been listening to Seventeen’s Kidult (kid+adult). Because of its quirky title and the song is SOOOO GOOOD, I searched the english translation of its lyrics. Now, everytime I listen to the song, I can’t help but to bawl my eyes out. It’s just that the song is so personal to me as someone who’s struggling to transition into adulthood. 

After what happened last year with regards to my academics, I’ve been stuck in a cycle wherein I am afraid of what's next for me in life and if what I am doing is really for me. But as I am stuck in this cycle, I realized that the more I experience and the more I see, enjoying my life for what it is and indulging in things that makes me happy is far more important that what other people think of me. But there are also times when even though I am happy with how I am living now, having little steps into growing up while still embracing my inner child, I enter this moment of consciousness where I am afraid of what step I am going to take next. And it terrifies me so much. 

Not until I found out about this song. Other songs about growing up reminisce about the past, wishing to be kids again. But the song Kidult is basically saying that it is okay to feel like a child sometimes. It also reflects the feeling of wanting to move forward despite feeling so small. Life is not something we have a map of. It is okay not to have our shit together and it’s okay to struggle our way to adulthood.

To all Kidults, just like me, 

May we all navigate our way to adulthood and to not forget the kid inside us. 

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Ang hirap at ang sakit mo nang mahalin Pilipinas.

Paulit ulit na lang ba na ganito ang mangyayari? Reklamo kayo nang reklamo kapag hindi nagagampanan nang maayos ang tungkulin ng mga nakaupo pero bakit pag panahon na ng pagpili, paulit ulit niyong pinipili ang mga taong may mga malalaking atraso sa bansa natin? 

Kailan tayo matututo? 

Nakakagalit, nakakadismaya at higit sa lahat, nakakalungkot. Nakakalungkot para sa mga taong hindi naisip kung ano ang magiging epekto ng kanilang pagpili sa buhay nila at lalo na sa buhay ng sambayang Pilipino.Para bang wala na lang sainyo ang dugo, pawis at sakripisyo ng mga taong nagsikap upang mapabagsak ang isang diktador. Isinuka na nga noon, bakit kailangang kainin muli ngayon? 

Sabi nga nila, wag mong sukuan ang Pilipinas. Pero paano naman mangyayari iyon, kung ang  Pilipinas na mismo ang isinusuko ng mga Pilipino sa kamay ng pamilya ng mga taong paulit ulit na nilapastangan ang ating bansa? 

Mahal ko ang ating bansa. Pero habang tumatagal, ang pagmamahal na ito ay nagiging mahirap at masakit na. 

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan pa ito. Pero hanggat kaya pa, patuloy akong maninindigan. Aalpas din tayong muli, Pilipinas

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We tried to keep things platonic. But between those denials, I know for myself that I love you. But maybe, I don’t love you enough to keep you and us and maybe I don’t love you the way you want me to love you. Just like Laurie and Jo, we were something like parallel lines. We were never meant to intersect. We were never meant to go deeper. The lines drawn between us should never be crossed. 

I am so happy but a little sad that you have found yourself your own Amy. 

But always remember that just like Jo, I will always root for your happiness. 

You will always be the Laurie to my Jo. 

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So this is what it feels like.

This is what it feels like to be swallowed by the what ifs and what could’ve beens.

What if stayed? What if I held in to your hand too? What if I wasn’t dumb then? What if I stopped caring about what others think of us? What if I didn’t laugh it off when you told me you liked me? Will we be okay? Will it be me? 

Our story may started as some reckless decision made at 2 am in the morning, it was and will always be the decision I am willing to take again. What we had was something special. So special that it’s hard to forget and let go. 

There are times when I think of what could’ve been if I told you what I really felt. I always find myself reliving every memory I had with you. How happy I am because I am with someone who truly understands me. How comfortable it is when you hug me and how I am at peace when I am with you. I loved every minute of it. 

But I AM DUMB. I got scared. I was so scared to admit what I really felt because I haven’t felt that much before. That’s why I had to step away, without giving you any reason why. I had to walk away because I was not yet ready to break down the walls that I have built to protect myself from pain. 

When I was ready to let you in, I was late. And that was when it hits me. It hits me very hard that it hurts so damn much. 

And now, all I can do is wish, I wish I held your hands throughout that christmas night when we walked without even a destination to go to. I wish I hugged you a little tighter and longer the last time we saw each other. I wish I took the risk for you, the way you took the risk for me. 

It will take me a lot of time to get over this. I miss you and I don’t know until when. Yes, I have my regrets but I don’t intend to do something anymore. I will just be happy of what it is - a time in my life that would remind me that someone like you could see me as someone worth it. 

Thank you.

And lastly, I AM SO SORRY.

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Instead of sitting down to talk about our feelings, we play guessing games. We avoid asking questions about labels because we are worried about coming across as clingy or desperate or controlling. We both let ourselves away because we are holding back our emotions, censoring our conversations, raising our guards. 

We could look in the eye of each other and admit we have feelings for each other, but we wasted weeks hinting our feelings instead. We let our body language do the talking for us. We give vague compliments and monitor how much time we wait between messages. We try not to look like we cared too much, but at the same time, we assume that both of us knows how much we like each other.

We talk how much we value transparency, about how we want to find someone who will be straightforward with us, but we are unwilling to be straightforward first. We danced around our feelings. We pretend we are fine when we are hurting and hold back ‘i miss you” to avoid coming across as the one who cares more. We don’t want to take a risk.

I wonder why our almost relationship never grow into serious one. I wonder why you seem interested for months at a time and then ended up dating someone else.

It was because we don’t talk about the possibility of “us”. We only make assumptions about what our last text meant instead of asking for clarification. 

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i hope you understand that i really did my best to be there for you,

but i wish you realized that i also needed you.

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bitaw

sabi nila, mahirap daw bitawan ang mga bagay na hindi mo naman talaga hawak. natawa pa ako noong unang beses kong narinig ang linyang iyan.

pero tama, tama si direk jp. sobrang hirap bitawan ng mga bagay na hindi mo naman talaga hawak. katulad ng ilang beses ko nang pagsubok na bitawan ka, kahit hindi ka naman talaga naging akin.

bakit ganun? bakit ang hirap hirap mong alisin sa aking sistema?

Editbitaw

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na-bi

they say love makes you feel butterflies in your stomach, but no. it shouldn’t. butterflies mean that you are anxious or nervous – which you should not feel.

because love should make you feel secure, at peace, and calm.

[stellaraify]

hinihintay pa rin kita 

Hindi sa pagbabalik mo, kundi sa paghingi mo ng tawad.

Ayos lang kung hindi ka na babalik. Gusto ko lang naman mapatawad na kita. Pero ang hirap, ang hirap dahil hindi ko alam ang rason mo. Kung bakit mo ako iniwan.

Iniwan nang biglaan