#that it wouldn't have even been a problem if they hadn't thrown so much money at it

[jjinpang]

the "failure" of new final fantasy is hilarious to me.

squeni: we captured the interest of people who like our particular brand of story and world building. They were small fry. Time for the big fish... time to capture THE MASSES

some guy: what about the people who liked your stuff before?

squeni: SCREW THEM they are niche and SMALL and TINY. WE WANT THE BIG BUCKS! gotta make a gritty grimdark

*masses still play only the gritty grimdark created by people who have been making gritty grimdark for years and ignores the 3 kids in a trenchcoat grimdark squeni thought was a good idea.

squeni: ... at least I have my loyal fanbase! guys? where'd you go guy?

that single poor soul who has already tightly associated the name final fantasy to a more joyful time in their life and can't leave this situationship even with their eyes wide open: screw you man.

[flamingpudding]

Drake's family secret

A/N: Another story idea I had and I probably will keep working on. I kinda want to continue on it I just have no idea how or with what yet.

Tim had a secret. Well, he had many secrets but this was one he had kept closed off for a very long time now. It was one of the reasons he fabricated a fake uncle to avoid getting adopted. After all, if you were put into the system how could you possibly get found or find your last living blood relative? His family didn't know and he never intended for them to know anyway. It was a secret well-kept of the Drake family, one that even the public didn't know about. His parents hadn't thrown around money to keep anyone involved silent for nothing after all.

But Tim had had vague memories as well as found the last remaining documents years ago. The problem had been that he hadn't been Robin yet at that time and couldn't do research like he can now. Tim had often wondered if one of the reasons he had followed Batman around back then was to see if he could help him with that matter too, yet he had never brought it up to Bruce nor any of his other siblings.

In a way it made Tim feel guilty now as he looked over that old piece of paper. The only hint he had until now.

He looked over the security video of Wayne Enterprise again. Watching that group of high schoolers that was there on a school trip visit. His eyes tracked one specific student among them. If things were different Tim would joke about how the boy looked like perfect Bruce adoption material. But as it was, Tim was not going to make that joke.

Because as much as the boy fell into the stereotype of Bruce's adoption problem, the boy had facial features that looked very much like one Jenet Drake. Tim could honestly see it, sure his memories were not the best in regards to his parents but he had kept at least some photos for references. But recognizing that threw in a whole other set of problems.

For one he would need to find a way to make sure the Drake Family secret doesn't get exposed to his family too soon. Second, he needed to find a way to approach the boy without looking suspicious. Third, he was on a time limit, according to what he found the school trip the boy was on lasted for a week. Once the boy was out of Gotham it would be even harder to find a passable excuse to approach him. Fourth, he would also need a blood sample. As much as the boy's looks alone could make Tim believe it, the rest of his family was paranoid and if he was completely homestead, he also would need it for his reassurance that he wasn't wrong. Which again he kind of doubted even with this little amount of evidence. The fifth problem in this was, how was he going to break it to the rest of his family.

Because the best kept Drake's Family secret, he was pretty sure he was the last remaining person in the know, was that Tim had a little brother. A brother that was born when he was around 3 or four years old. A little brother who had never gotten to grow up with him because Jack and Jenet Drake had used their constant traveling as cover so the public wouldn't know about him. They already had an heir with Tim, they didn't need a second child. So the moment his little brother had been born he was given up in a closed adoption. Never to be seen again and never to be connected to the Drake family.

Tim only knew about him because he had vague memories about his mother's pregnancy and also had later found the papers in his parents' office when he was around ten. He remembered how upset he had been at the discovery but also how he hadn't been able to do anything about it. Though it was back then that he had also decided that the moment he could he would do everything he could to find him. Things only started to change when he became Robin and then Red Robin. Now he had the resources and knowledge to find the little brother he had never gotten to grow up with.

But too much time had passed and his parents had been thorough when covering their tracks, which resulted in Tim having been unable to find that little brother of his. Having no name and no idea who adopted him, didn't help either. But Tim had had less to work with before, yet the search had given him massive troubles, to the point that he HAD contemplated getting the rest of his family in on it.

But now that wasn't necessary anymore, there was an actual chance again.

Thankfully he had come in late today, if he hadn't he wouldn't have seen the group of High School students on a school trip in the Lobby waiting for their tour guide. He wouldn't have seen the group of teens that lacked behind their fellow students a bit. But most importantly he wouldn't have seen that kid that looked like adoption bait for Bruce. That then by closer inspection had so many facial similarities to his mother that Tim had first thought he was hallucinating.

Now he was sitting in his office, watching the group of High Schoolers getting a tour through the building through the security cams while trying to come up with the perfect plan that didn't look too suspicious as he watched the boy who could be his blood-related little brother. Oh, Damian would throw a fit if he learned about having another brother, Tim mused for a moment as he noted down the boy's, Danny's, excitement about their aerospace department. He had already decided, if Danny was not living adequately he would pull all the strings he could to get his little brother home.

So far Tim had found out that the boy's name was Danny Fenton. He would dig into that later more. He would also make sure that if Danny was his little brother, he saw to it that he was getting treated right. He had noticed how his little brother appeared overly tired and there was a bandage hidden below his shirt plus through the security camera footage, he had also seen that there was a hint of scarring on his left arm.

For now, though he had sent a message to the tour guide to end the tour in his office, for something like a surprise introduction to Tim Drake-Wayne. He would continue to build up his plan of getting to know and confirm his little brother's status from there.

[hispg]

Between royalty and vows

Pairings: Prince! Leon x Fem! Reader

Summary: A forced marriage, a fate set in stone, nothing could change that.

In the world of royalty, there were no choices, only obligations to fulfill. What you didn't expect was to become engaged to a renowned prince, ready to succeed the lineage.

Until that moment, you still had some hope that everything would work out, maybe it wasn't so bad. But it would be a shame if your future husband had a mistress.

Wouldn't it?

Wc:3.4k

Warnings: slow burn, angst, hurt/ comfort, cheating, arranged marriage, eventual smut, one-sided love, affairs, manipulative behavior from Leon, (I'll put more once things start to progress).

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |

An: Sooo there is the new chapter! I was so anxious to write it and post it! In all honesty, this is the chapter that I most liked to write(so far).

I've been receiving some dms about creating a taglist, so I'll do it from the next chapter and on. If you're interested in entering the tag list, you can dm me or comment on any chapters of this fic, and I'll add you. For the ones who already talked to me, I'll put you on the list already, so you don't need to message me again!<3

Also, I'll start to crosspost this fic here and on Ao3, for the ones who prefer to read in there. Here's the link Ao3. Eventually, I'll post all chapters!

Chapter 5: Pretty lies

The heavy rain outside was no bother to the couple in bed, just as the cold was no problem that couldn't be solved with the intimacy that had just been shared under the covers.

There he was, lying with his lover, Ashley. Warming another woman's bed, offering her the warmth that his body emanated, the love that made her heart beat faster every time.

Both were nude, without the slightest concern for anything, all that mattered was what had just happened in that room. The closeness they shared, the oaths of love spoken between each kiss, between each embrace.

They had just made love, done something that was yet another symbol of the compromising union they contained.

Leon hadn't gone back to the castle as soon as he arrived back from his trip, he had gone to his beloved's house, a hidden place that only they knew where it was, only the lovebirds met there.

It was their love nest.

The same place where Ashley gave herself to him for the first time, the same sacred place where they made love whenever they could. The place where they loved each other deeply, where they didn't have to hide anything.

Ashley lay with her head on Leon's bare chest, while he had one arm wrapped around her and the other stroking her blonde hair.

The only sound in the room was the wood cracking in the fireplace and the soft breathing of both of them in that bed.

The clothes were thrown about, the silk covers hiding their shame, but if Leon was being honest, he couldn't think of a better place to be.

Because he felt at home every time he was with Ashley, even if he knew it was wrong.

And he was screwed if anyone found out.

"Are you staying?" Ashley asks in a whisper, taking the opportunity to place a soft kiss on his chest.

Leon gives her a blown smile, looking at her tenderly, "I'd love to. But you know I can't."

It was already too bold of him to come to this place to spend time with her, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't go along with her every whim.

Especially as the wedding was approaching, and he was dead if he didn't show up.

She sighed helplessly, knowing full well that this would be the answer from the start. But in all honesty, what did she expect? Despite her misfortunes, she was the mistress.

"I promise I'll try to see you more, mh? My wife won't be the problem, don't worry." Leon reassured her, kissed her on the forehead and got up, soon he would be getting ready to leave.

Although he wanted to be with her for even five more minutes, he would give all the money in the world to make it happen.

"Does she know about us?" Ashley asked, picking up the blanket and covering her bare midriff.

That was enough for Leon to clench his eyes shut, buttoning his pants as he stared at her.

"She can't even conceive of it. You know our deal." It was a good deal for both sides, not least because Leon didn't even want to imagine what Ashley's father would do to him once he found out what he and his daughter were doing behind closed doors.

Ashley then sighed, the blonde strands falling across her forehead as she thought for a moment.

"Do you think you can still see me after you're married?" She asks softly, almost embarrassed by her own question.

"I'll always find a way, don't worry." He says, the sincere smile that became the perfect proof that he was saying this from the bottom of his soul.

It was always a painful farewell, but Leon knew it was necessary for him to do it. Once he'd put all his clothes back on, he turned to Ashley, taking her in his arms and planting a gentle, passionate kiss on her lips. He also made a point of pressing his body against hers to leave his cologne on her.

It wasn't enough to have his smell on the silk sheets, he needed to leave his mark on her too.

Goodbyes aside, he knew he had to leave, the sun was rising, and if he wanted to get back to the castle before it was too late, he had to leave now.

As he took the steps to leave the small chalet in the Italian countryside, where no one suspected them, he took one last look at his beloved, giving her a broad smile as he said goodbye.

Watching Ashley go all wobbly as he walked out the front door. She sighed as her lover left, waving to him and looking dreamily out of the window.

Leon walked up to the discreet carriage that was waiting for him in front of the cottage, besides the coachman, there was Leon's faithful butler, Ausdret.

And also his worst accomplice, the butler who always covered up everything Leon did, no matter how stupid it might seem or be.

"Your Highness." Ausdret greeted, leading Leon to the carriage.

"It's good that you're here." Leon replies back, tucking himself into the small carriage.

His butler nods and sits down on the opposite seat, facing Leon. Even though Ausdret knew that no one could put a halter on Leon, he was still trying to talk some sense into his young, dim-witted head.

"Your Highness do you not think it is inappropriate to maintain this relationship?" Ausdret asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

Leon scoffed, narrowing his gaze at the poor butler, acting as if he had said the worst blasphemy that could be heard.

"Come on, you're a braggart too. Don't act like you're a kind gentleman with exemplary decorum." Leon retorts, crossing his legs as he fixes the buttons on his shirt once more.

Ausdret couldn't help but sigh, trying his best to make Leon understand how problematic it would be to keep all this up.

"Prince, you have a fiancée now. This relationship is no longer suitable." The butler said once again, pausing and emphasizing his lines, it wasn't possible that this was so difficult to understand.

"Well, it'll last as long as I want it to. You know better than that." Leon says, an unparalleled coldness in his voice, it was obvious, this subject was not up for discussion for him.

Ausdret always thought that this was just a youthful romance of Leon's, in fact he never thought that it would thrive for so long, for years. Leon was a man who could have any woman he wanted, not only because of the power he possessed, but also because of his beauty.

However, what the butler couldn't have guessed was that Leon would fall in love with Lady Ashley, a princess from another place. A likely romance, but love doesn't work properly in royalty.

"But Your Highness-" Leon interrupts Ausdret before he can continue.

"I am the prince, and you collaborate with me." Leon begins, his voice becoming an authoritative, voracious whisper.

"As I'm your highness, you must agree that you didn't see anything unusual. That I was on a business trip these last few days." Leon says, his gaze narrowing once more on the servant.

What could Ausdret say? He had always supported this boy, and even with a lump forming in his throat, he wasn't going to do any different again.

The butler knew that this situation wasn't fair to you, nor to Ashley, it would only end up with broken hearts and a quarrel that couldn't be undone.

Perhaps Leon was too young to understand this, but at some point fate would catch up with him.

"So? Did you see anything?" Leon asked, almost daring him to give an answer that was the opposite of what he wanted to hear.

"No, Your Highness. I didn't see anything suspicious." Ausdret replied under his breath, closing his eyes and shaking his head in denial.

"Good." Leon grumbles back.

The journey wouldn't take long, but Ausdret already knew that the rest of the way would be filled with the ache of an inconvenient silence.

You knew you'd end up getting into trouble with your recent actions, but that still didn't stop you from going ahead with them. At that moment you were in the grassy fields on the outskirts of the castle.

It was easy to get here, you just needed the help of Chris and your maid, Evelyn. Nothing more than a silly little lie to disguise your departure.

The view was beautiful, you felt almost at home in a place like this. You were sitting on the horse while Chris guided the animal, walking through the grass carefully while also keeping an eye on you.

You couldn't tell if you were approaching Chris out of hurt ego, or because he was someone incredibly interesting and good to have around.

Perhaps you had combined the useful with the pleasant, because in all honesty, you couldn't deny that you were enjoying all this time with Chris, even feeling more at peace with yourself.

"Well, at least you escaped the tea party." Chris jokes, looking at you with a smile.

You nod, smiling back at him.

"God, I can't imagine what it would be like to spend another afternoon with Mrs. Hisltons!" You grumble, frowning as you remember all the tedious conversations the lady has put you through.

Chris couldn't help himself and laughed out loud, looking at you with those beautiful brown eyes.

"Oh, tell me about it. As soon as I got here, she gave me a good lecture on why I should get married." Chris says with a playful tone, walking slowly with you through the pastures.

You smiled a little, petting the horse as a question popped into your mind.

"But, forgive me for being impolite, but why haven't you gotten married yet?" You asked calmly, giving him the opportunity not to answer if he didn't want to.

"Nothing in particular, I just haven't found any suitors that catch my eye." He says, without much ado, getting straight to the point.

You'd think someone as cultured as him would want a woman who knew a bit more than just dresses and jewelry. Completely fair and understandable.

But you still can't help thinking that Chris was alone by choice, it wouldn't be the first time a man had preferred being alone to being married.

"I understand, but is it something you're thinking of doing? I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive." You say with a peaceful smile, trying to get to know the man you've grown so close to over the last few days.

Chris then paused and pondered, thinking of an answer that would measure up. But he couldn't think of anything more sincere than:

"Yes, I intend to." Just like that, or any other explanation.

But you saw his eyes light up a little when he looked at you for a brief moment, making you quietly gasp.

You then returned your gaze to your surroundings, the countryside that was such a contrast to the life you had. Which was far from peaceful.

Although you knew it shouldn't take you so long to get back to the castle, as they would probably notice you were gone, you could stubbornly stay here with him.

With Chris, the man who had been giving you so much comfort recently.

Chris then looked at you with a charming gaze, helping you off the horse. His hands found your waist, steadying you as you got off the animal.

Feeling his heavy, manly hands on your body made you feel something different, but you preferred not to mention it. Not least because you were being completely inappropriate for a dame.

You allowed yourself to feel the ground beneath your heels, removing the footwear from your body, feeling the grass between your toes.

The thought of returning to your new home was already distant, you could even swear that you forgot about Leon for just a moment. You forgot about the fact that he was coming back today.

And that he would be back around noon. And it was almost two in the afternoon, he was probably already at the castle by then.

But well, what would be the point of sneaking out of the castle with the Duke if not for a bit of confusion.

"You know, this is turning out to be one of the nicest afternoons I've had." Chris says, smiling and following you as you walk across the lawn.

"Oh, yes. It's nice to get out of that place for a bit." You say, looking at the sun, which is already descending.

Chris followed you, keeping an eye on every step. And you even saw out of the corner of your eye that he tried to take your hand, but hesitated to make such an intimate gesture.

You even heard the trumpets sounding in the distance, announcing the prince's arrival, but nothing that made you move from where you were.

And well, from the way Chris stood next to you as you watched the landscape of the field, he wouldn't leave until you asked him to.

At one point, you thought it would be better to leave, perhaps so as not to cause Chris any trouble. But the moment Chris's fingers touched your cheek, and he tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear, something in you sparked.

It was impossible to hide the red tinge that appeared on your cheeks, as well as the way you just ignored everything else. Everything seemed right.

You were surrendered, and you didn't want to leave this man's side. What on earth were you doing?

Why did you feel so torn? It couldn't end well.

"Where is she?" It was the first question Leon asked as soon as he set foot in the castle, finding it strange that his fiancée wasn't here to greet him.

"The princess isn't feeling well, Your Highness." Evelyn, the maid who helped you escape, answered.

Leon wrinkled his eyebrows, glancing at the door of your chambers, he hadn't quite believed that excuse.

"Tell her I'll come and see her. She doesn't have to leave her room." Leon says, looking at the way the maid was beginning to shudder.

"She's really not well, Your Highness-" Leon didn't care how much the maid protested, he went ahead and went to your bedroom.

He opened the door without any manners, looking around as he searched for any sign of you. But he was disappointed when he found your bed empty, the room perfectly tidy and untouched. You hadn't been in that room for a while.

Your lie was already falling apart, as they say lies don't go far.

"Where is she?" Leon asked once again, this time more coldly and authoritatively, demanding an answer.

"I don't know! She was here this morning." The maid manages to stutter, unable to face Leon.

Leon clenched his fists, frustration and irritation taking over his feelings. You were getting out of hand, it wasn't enough that you'd been so bold with Chris, now this?

Even though he was away, he knew everything that was going on in that castle, and he couldn't let it continue the way it was.

Who did you think you were?

"Have her searched all over the castle." Leon demanded, leaving your room to look for you.

As soon as Leon saw that the maid hadn't moved a muscle, he added:

"Immediately." His voice was a low grunt, capable of sending a chill down anyone's spine.

The maid moved quickly, warning the other servants about the princess's 'disappearance', and they all stood by to look for you.

Nothing. They looked for you in every corner of that castle, every room, every space you could be in. And they found nothing, not a single sign of you.

Leon was fulminating, realizing that you and the Duke weren't in that castle. And you probably weren't close.

"We haven't found her, Your Highness. The princess isn't in the castle." One of the servants dares to speak, trembling at having to address the prince.

"What do you mean she's not in the castle?" Leon muttered, looking out the windows while trying to find you somehow.

And Leon had to stop himself from gritting his teeth as he watched the scene with his own eyes. You came in through the back door, a delicate hood over your head to disguise your identity.

You were sitting on Chris's horse, smiling happily as the man led the horse inside. You seemed so close, so intimate.

Something about it made Leon go crazy, he can't say, but some strange feeling rose in his chest and made a knot form in the pit of his stomach.

What were you thinking? You were a lady, Jesus! You should behave like one.

"You are dismissed, return to your duties." Leon says to the other servants, leaving no room for questions.

Drastic situations call for drastic measures, only then will you be able to understand your place. And how you should act as a future queen.

Leon waited, right in the center of the main hall, he decided he would act as if he hadn't seen anything. He felt his breathing quicken, heard the sound of his heartbeat in his ears.

He didn't know if it was anger, disappointment or something else.

You didn't realize he was there until you saw the pair of blue eyes looking you up and down, for some reason sending a shiver up your spine.

"I was worried about you." He was the first to speak, approaching you without a second thought.

"Excuse me, Your Highness. I needed some fresh air." You say, your voice smooth as silk, sweet as honey.

You needed to act as if nothing much had really happened, as if you hadn't gone off with the Duke alone, without letting anyone know.

Even more so, going out alone with a man.

Leon narrows his eyes, placing a hand on your waist, pulling you close. His touch made you gasp, your eyes widen and your breathing hitch, at the same moment you felt your breath mingle with his.

For a moment, you looked at each other, his penetrating gaze causing an incomparable flush to rise to your cheeks. His hands on your body, one holding your cheek, steadying you to do what he wanted to do.

What was he going to do? Oh, you realized it in the next second, when you saw his face coming closer to yours. His nose touching yours, and then, that's when…

He kissed you.

His lips against yours, his hand holding you firmly and preventing you from moving. It was unconscious, instinctive, you moved your lips in sync with his. Your arms wrapped around his neck, and you sealed this moment with the warm intimacy of a kiss.

It wasn't sincere, it was carnal.

The world around you seemed to stop, you were focused on the warm feeling that took over your body, the way the heat of the moment enveloped you. Your body molded itself to his so well, it was so perfect.

As if it was meant to be.

It was painful to separate your lips from his, your mind in a whirlwind of emotions. Was it real? Had he reconsidered? Maybe he was going to give you both a chance?

You were a very dreamy girl perhaps, those endless dreams that you wished from the bottom of your soul were real, that you clamored for to come true at some point.

But oh, that little act, it was far from a dream.

When you regained your senses, you looked around and saw a group of high-class ladies staring at the two of you. The dreamy looks and sighs they gave when they saw the couple, the passionate couple.

In the corner, you saw the king and queen, smiling approvingly at the two of you. They were proud.

A show off.

Reality weighed heavily on your mind when you understood. It was nothing, it was a show off, an exhibition. The momentary magic wore off and gave way to the bitterness that once again fell upon you.

Whose fault was it? Yours, for having once again believed in the foolishness that was Leon's chance of seeing you beyond being a prize. Or Leon, for toying with you in such a way?

In any case, what a shame. The taste of his lips was imprinted on yours, the sensation of his lips against yours was still so vivid. So real. You felt loved in a few seconds, putting yourself in your place soon after.

With one simple action, Leon reminded you of who you belong to, legally, and also reminded you of your place. Of your obligations to him, he came out the winner once again.

Damned bastard.

[faofinn]

Day 8 - Broken Bones (alt prompt 4)

Part 1 | Part 2

@mediwhumpmay

The problem with telling someone not to do something, is that the phrase makes it so much more enticing to do just that. And that ended up being precisely what Fred's attempts to keep Finn from the face of business ended up doing. He let Finn treat, let him run what he could in the basement, but then Fao and Hars returned. With Fao running surgical, Finn ended up shoved out of the loop, Fao's organisation and opinions taking the lead. 

So, Finn had decided to take matters into his own hands, swiping one of the letters from his dad's desk. It gave the details of a new client, a simple job with an easy payout. He borrowed some of the men on their payroll, and the job was done. He gave them his number and told them to contact him if they needed anything. The rest was history. 

Finn continued to gain clients, by both means, and continued to work behind his father. There was always plenty of work, and he soon had more than enough people working for him, including Harrison and Steve.

Finn did his best to avoid places he knew his dad worked, and it worked, for a few years. But suddenly things changed, the meet-up was tipped off, their client too suspicious to meet on Finn’s terms. He wasn’t impressed, but he needed this one, and went with it, after adjusting his fee, of course.

He'd gone along for the ride, checking up on his assets to make sure they were still useful to him. It helped prove his strength to the buyer too, so he didn’t mind. He told Fao and the others he was busy with Jess, and got Harrison on standby, just in case; the other man was always useful to have around. 

The meet had gone well, even after the drama, and Finn had been happy with his men. But, of course, things always seemed to change when they were going right. Tithe guy he'd assumed to be the mole had appeared, somehow having gained intel from somewhere. 

Finn flipped, anger not usually seen rising to the surface. His gun was drawn, and threats made, ties and allegiances severed. 

Finn had been doing his stuff on the side for long enough now that Fao knew he was doing something, he just didn’t know what that something was. But the money was obvious enough, as was Finn’s lies and secrecy. Although Fao knew Finn was lying to him, that didn’t mean the lie wasn’t good enough. He had no idea what his little brother was doing. He just knew that he’d picked up the pieces enough times to know what he was doing was dangerous.

He was definitely suspicious when Finn made plans with Jess that evening, especially as work with Fred was becoming more and more charged with a rumoured mole amongst them. Not only that, but Hars was suspiciously quiet, hadn’t replied to any of Fao’s texts and hadn’t been around all day. That was another huge red flag, but there was nothing he could do about it. 

He was somewhat relieved to be called out by Fred, to give him something to do rather than worrying about the state his brother was going to come home in. They were chasing this mole, having got some very good intel. 

It was a rough job, quickly getting messy and more complicated than they’d initially intended. Fao was leading men and trying to keep things together, guns being fired and punches being thrown. 

Finn heard the second lot of gunfire, eyes quickly darting over his team. He wasn’t missing anyone, but there were too many shots for it to be who he’d left. Frustrated it was going to be a later end to it all, he ordered his team back, leading the way. 

Out of everyone he'd expected, he hadn't expected to see his brother amongst the chaos. He swore under his breath. Obviously they'd found their own info on the mole, and he'd clearly not been very good at it. Finn had more than half a mind to leave him to it; Fao was more than capable of dealing with him. But, unfortunately, he was hit with the sobering truth: if he’d spilled Fred’s name so easily, Finn’s wouldn't be far behind. Which meant Finn needed to get to him first, and get him out of Fao's reach. 

He rummaged through the bag he carried, finding the flashbang. He signalled his team to watch out, and threw it, covering his own face.

The flashbang took Fao and his men by surprise, as well as the men they were fighting. Obviously it sent everyone scattering, blinded and disoriented momentarily. Fights broke out, of course, as they always did, Fao coming in with his own counter measures, his gun drawn. He shouted for his men, making sure people were organised. The flashbang hadn’t been theirs, but their rivals seemed just as surprised, and it set Fao on edge. Someone else was here. 

As the smoke cleared and the dust settled, Fao’s eyes adjusted to the gloom again and there, with unfamiliar men around him and their target unconscious in his grip, was Finn. There was blood running down his face from a broken nose, and as he reached up to cuff it away he made eye contact with his brother. 

There was a darkness in Finn’s eyes that Fao didn’t recognise. A coldness to his face that he’d never, ever seen before. Fao’s grip tightened on his gun, though he had no intention of firing it. 

“Finn!” He shouted, his voice rough. 

His brother didn’t react, didn’t even acknowledge that he’d seen him, before he turned tail and dragged the target away, flanked by his men. 

Fao rushed forwards. There was no way he was letting him get away. Not with such an important person. But it was no good. The men stopped him, he was outnumbered and outgunned, and he was forced back after taking a couple of them out with the butt of his pistol. Chest heaving, he spat bloody saliva from a split lip in disgust, frustrated and beyond confused. 

For fucks sake. Finn hadn't stopped swearing on the way back, beyond pissed he'd been seen by Fao. Not just pissed, there was a worry curling in his stomach, a worry Fao would rat him out. That, and he was pretty sure he'd done his wrist in. 

It was already twice the size and he couldn’t make a fist. The pain was there too, the adrenaline had disappeared pretty sharpish after getting in the van. He'd be lying if he said it wasn't making him dizzy, or if he promised he wasn’t going to be sick. He texted Hars too, a heads up he'd need to be seen, along with one of his guys with a definite concussion, and another with a bullet graze. They’d be fine, he was just useless with his one hand.

Empty handed, Fao and his men bolted too. They weren’t sticking around for the fallout. Whilst the men went back in the vans, Fao’s own car offered him some fucking quiet that he needed, and he quickly called Harrison, trying to get some information before he had to face Fred at home. He listened as it rang, impatiently lighting a cigarette and breaking his own rule of not smoking in the car. 

Harrison answered, waiting for Finn. He had a few minutes to kill and appearances to uphold. "Fao, you alright? "

“No, I’m not actually. What the fuck is going on, why have I just seen Finn out in the field throwing fucking flashbangs and taking my target?” He asked, already angry. 

Fuck. "Finn? In the field? Have you hit your head, Fao? What the fuck are you on about?"

“Yes, Finn in the field. Are you fucking deaf?” Fao snapped. “I know what I saw, and I know you work with him.”

"Finn’s busy with Jess. I think you're going senile, mate."

“Don’t lie to me.” His voice was hard. “I’ve got to go back to Fred now and tell him I couldn’t do my job, and I know you’ve got something to do with it. What gives? What’s going on?”

"So you’ve missed your target and you're trying to blame it on me?" Harrison scoffed. "Don't be an arse."

“Finn was there, I saw him and he saw me. If Finn was there, you were there. So can you please tell me why the fuck I’m being undermined by my own family?!”

"Fao, mate. I'm at home. I've not left the house. Video call me, I'm not lying, I've not lied to you."

“I’m driving.” Fao snapped. “I know you’ve lied and you’re continuing to lie. Why are you lying to me? What the fuck is going on with your stupid little side business, trying to get me fucking killed?”

"Then pull over and talk to me properly." He spat. "There, look. I've shared my location. Even sent you a photo. I haven't lied once to you on this call, and I'd stake Tai's life on it."

The angrier Fao got, the faster he drove. His speedometer was nudging over 100 mph down the motorway now, and his jaw tensed. He didn’t show down. “Why was Finn in the field?” He asked. “I’ve got to go back to Fred and explain this to him, and I’m not going to be able to protect Finn. What. Is. Going. On?”

"I don't know what you think you saw, but Finn was with Jess. I don’t really want to know what the pair of them have been up to." He managed a laugh. "Just tell Fred your target wasn't there. He'll turn up again and you can get him there. You know, when you're not seeing Finn everywhere."

“I know what I saw, Harrison!”

"Alright, alright. Just maybe you need a day or two off, get Steve to do you a sick note, yeah?"

“Don’t start. I’ll ask you once more. What was Finn doing in the field and why is he working against me? I know you’re working with him. You always are.”

"As if your brother would be working against you." That did make Harrison laugh. "Do you hear how stupid you sound? Finn thinks the sun shines out of your arse, and we all know that's not true. Finn and I have worked by each other for years, you know that. He helps out with the stuff behind the scenes for Sanctuary and the caf. Fred doesn't like him in the field, so he doesn't tend to go out much at all."

“Why are you lying to me?” He asked, exasperated. 110 mph, now. “I swear to fucking god I saw Finn tonight and I just need to know what the fuck is going on so I don’t shoot him in the head next time I’m in the fucking field.”

"Nothing I've said has been a lie. You're getting more paranoid, Fao. What's brought all this on? Do you, like, need someone to talk to?"

“Harrison.” Fao growled. 115 mph. “Tell Finn if he’s got the mole that he’s much more dangerous than we originally thought.”

"Who's more dangerous? Finn?" Harrison asked. "You're not making sense, mate."

“I can’t fucking trust you, can I? Thought as much.”

He had to admit that stung. "Fao, it’s me. Of course you can."

“Yeah, right.”

"You know what? Fuck you too, then. If you’re going to call me out of the fucking blue and be a cunt, then don't bother. You'll just call me a liar and a piece of shit regardless. Don't crash the car, I won’t be there to pick the pieces up again."

“Well, if the shoe fits, eh?” 

"I've not fucking lied to you once. But whatever. I'm done. Oh, might as well tell you now, we won’t be over for a takeaway on Saturday. Something's just come up."

Fao scoffed. “Shame.”

"Anything else to yell at me for?" He asked, sickly sweet. "Go ahead, I've got nothing better to do." 

The irony of his sentence was lost on him, the crunch of tyres on gravel meaning Finn was finally home. Jess passed him in the hallway, heading out to meet them.

Fao had been about to answer Harrison, but his witty remark died on his tongue, hearing the slamming of doors in the background of Harrison’s call. A voice; distinctly Jess’, calling a name. Finn. There was more fuss, muffled but very much there, and a groan that could only be Finn’s. Fao’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip and he flicked ash from his trousers. It hurt, knowing Harrison had withheld information. 

“Say hi to Finn for me, Hars. And tell him if he’s not careful showing up on my jobs, he’s going to get shot. Remind him I rarely miss.”

"Yeah, yeah, uh, I've gotta go." He said, distracted by the fuss and apparently forgetting he was on the phone with Fao. And that he'd been mad at him. "Bye."

The line went dead, and Fao swore, thumping the steering wheel. He was just approaching his exit, the road deserted, and he’d yet to slow down. 

He didn’t miss the flash of the speed camera as he drove past, and it was just the icing on the cake. Fred was going to be pissed when that ticket showed up in the post. Stupid mistake. He made it home, and then it was straight to Fred’s office without time to even speak to Ely, who had been lingering by the door looking pale as ever. 

Fao was soon the least of Harrison’s worries, Finn taking priority. He'd stumbled over the threshold, the adrenaline having almost evaporated as he stepped inside. The dizziness had hit him, more than he'd expected, and he'd naturally reached for Jess. Of course, it had been with his bad wrist, and the wave of pain was enough to send him to the floor. 

While it didn't completely knock him out, it sent the world spinning, everyone's voice muffled in his ears.

It took a few minutes, pressed against Jess' side, but slowly and surely, things returned to normal. Asde, of course, from the pain in his wrist. He finally answered Harrison, or at least tried to before he interrupted. 

"It's just dislocated, right? You can just ket and manipulate, yeah? Just that?"

Harrison gently took Finn’s wirst in his fingers, and hissed quietly. "Shit, Finn. I'm not sure it's going to be as simple as that."

"Oh. More sedation?"

He shook his head, reaching for Finn’s other hand. "Here, feel this. It's fucked, mate. You've broken it."

"Oh."

"Let me check here,too." He murmured, skimming down his arm. "Ah, I think you've got a break here too, just on the ulnar. I can feel it under my fingers, Finn. You’re gonna need casting, minimum."

[goodbyemaryjane]

an anecdotal account of weed addiction

part of the reason I could get so addicted to THC was because of the set of positive myths surrounding it. First, that it is not addictive and cannot be abused. Second, that overuse is not harmful because it won't acutely poison you the way many other drugs can. And third, that there is no such thing as weed withdrawals: it's all in your head.

This is my experience: I was not in control of how I was smoking. I felt like I needed to smoke before I did just about anything. I needed to be at least a little bit high all the time, or the cravings would be all I could think about. I would get anxious, restless, like an animal pacing around in its cage. I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep. It was just my little ritual, yeah? Have a bowl before I go. I'll just smoke a blunt before I go. I'll just take a few hits before I go. Slowly, the world outside my room seemed more and more anxiety-inducing, and weed was my only true refuge.

It hadn't started out that way, at first I could wait to just smoke at night, but by the end I was waking up early to get baked every morning, heading back to get high before lunch, and I needed - absolutely needed - to have enough in my stash to stay high until I fell asleep.

I had been getting high and crying about how I was an addict for maybe a week before I quit. I had realized what I was doing wasn't healthy, I was spending all my money just to stave off sobriety, I was behind in school, I was plotting ways to hide how much I was smoking and vaping from my boyfriend. I needed more and more to get high, to even feel normal. I felt trapped.

One day, I was skipping class. I'd thrown up in the morning again. (Later I would link this to prodromal CHS, but that's another post.)

I was listening to It's Gonna Be Okay, Baby by MUNA in my bed, the world swirling around. I had just bought more yesterday. I had smoked as much as I liked in the morning. I should be happy, right? Am I too high to feel happy?

Until the moment you wake in the deepest of pain that you've ever been in

And you admit you've gotta quit him

...

You're gonna start to call friends

You're gonna start to call yourself an addict

I thought about leaps of faith. I thought about what it would take for me to get clean. I had been planning - hoping - that I could quit for a little bit by then. I had bananas and saltines in my dorm cupboard, easy things to eat with no appetite.

I thought about it. I wanted to do it today. I didn't want to wait anymore.

I got up and put all my weed and implements into a bag, and then another bag, and I taped it all shut. I walked to my locker in the art building across campus. The building is closed between midnight and 7am - even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to break on the first night, even though I didn't have it in me to completely get rid of my weed yet.

I spent all day journaling and waiting for the withdrawals to kick in. I was so exhilarated by the fact that I was actually doing something about my problem, I didn't care how much my body felt like it was full of bees. Or how my thoughts raced, or how the tiniest thing could make me cry. I just thought about how I wanted at least 24 full hours under my belt so I could call my Mom and tell her, I'm doing it, I'm really doing it, and I'm so sorry - and havd the authority to say that.

Letting go felt amazing. I had been gripping so tight, holding on so hard to the idea that I was in control, I could control this, I could fix this by using more...

When I quit, I decided not to view the buzzing in my body as anxiety. The excess energy was just my body burning the drug out of me. It was just a physiological process. The night sweats were just my body getting it out. I would be better in a week.

Instead of struggling, swimming upstream against sobriety, all it took in the end was for me to let go and allow the current to toss me around for a while. I remembered swimming in the river as a kid, that moment when you don't know which way is up and you just have to save your energy and let the water spin you over, push you down, then let you bob back up.

I told my boyfriend and all my friends; they stayed with me when I didn't want to be alone.

After two days, I went into the clay studio and finished my unfinished projects. I felt peaceful for the first time in ages. I could work on my pottery for as long as I wanted without heading off to top off my high - I didn't have to live my life on a two hour timer. There was a patience and focus I hadn't felt since I first relapsed six months prior. I was free. I called my mom; she told me she knew something was wrong but she didn't know how to help me; we both cried in joy.

On the third day, I went to see my boyfriend. We kissed and kissed, and I felt so much more aware of everything in the room. The light, his eyes, the morning birds, my love. I told him my addiction was only reason I had so much trouble spending the whole night before, and he was relieved of the wondering.

I went back to the art building, a fire inside me. I destroyed my silicone bong, cut to little pieces, and sealed those pieces in a one-quart mason jar. I blasted blasted The Bitch is Back and grinned while I soaked a Ziploc full of flower in paint solvent, entombing it in the caustic liquids disposal barrel.

After four days, I ate an orange and I wanted it. It tasted incredible. I tore into it like a feral animal. My natural hunger was coming back!

After a week, I could sleep without taking Advil PM to coax it along. I slept over at my love's room and got to stay all morning, wait for him to wake up, get breakfast together. Finally! And I was eating full meals, wanting them. I felt stronger. I felt like I was becoming someone other people could rely on.

After two weeks, I was sleeping through the night, not waking up before sunrise anymore. And I was dreaming again, sometimes. I used to keep dream journals... I'm starting that again now.

That is how I learned, once and for all that these myths were myths. There were physical effects of withdrawals. On day three, I think, I threw up on the carpet of a quiet Chapel. Oops.

Smoking all the time did have consequences. Not "reefer madness", but real things. It made me anxious and then became the only way to temporarily relieve the anxiety it had caused. It made me obsessive, made me emotionally fragile and prone to despair. It made it hard to travel or do new things, since I always needed a plan for how I'd get some. It harmed my lungs; I coughed up grey goo for months after quitting. It harmed my digestion and disrupted my natural signals of hunger. I had no appetite unless I got high, and eventually even that broke down, making food into a constant struggle. (Look up Cannabis hyperemesis syndrome.)

I am a "real addict". I'm not here to compare struggles with anyone with a different drug of choice, just to say that my addiction was real, and the depths of despair I felt when I couldn't think of anything but getting high were real too.

I know this was a long post but I wanted to put my story out there, just in case it could possibly help someone still suffering, or inspire understanding in people who have never experienced this.

I'm almost 3 months sober and I'm thankful for that every single day. I hope you got something out of reading this. Thank you.

[redemptioninterlude]

❛  no one will believe you anyway.  ❜ for rue bc im evil

6 word stories meme ( accepting ) + @eat3rs // dakota

oh. he's really DONE IT, hasn't he? poisoned her... as if she hadn't tossed in a pill before she'd even climbed into the well. the way he enveloped her life would have felt insidious, if she wasn't so painfully in love. how that feeling could drown out just about anything, couldn't it... does he understand what it does to her? how she didn't need money, diamonds, fame, any of that kind of bullshit to be living her dreams. for her, it was always a simple thing, how she thought she'd spent forever trying to outrun her problems, only to find that numbing herself had been the one way, the only way for her...

and she'd been a fool, out of love, after jules. the girl who'd wrung her empty as she flirted with sobriety, and maybe it would have lasted if it weren't for dakota. dakota who fuels her bad habits, who lets her drown, because, perhaps, he loved the art of it. of watching that SELF DESTRUCTION that burned clean right through her, a reminder that she'd thrown away so much to tag along in his adventure. so much that when she stumbles into that back room, and she sees how that red, that crimson thick, smears at his mouth, that the worst part of it all... was that it wouldn't change how she felt about him. not even a little bit. not even at all.

❛  no one will believe you anyway.  ❜

he's right. she knows that nobody ever really trusts a junkie, and she's gone and burned her credibility to the ground, in her mission to stick closer to his side. holding in that sick within the churning hold of her stomach, moving to claim a place seated outside to process it all, and out he came, after he'd finished up within that room, his words sticking like a knife beneath her skin. "i know." her voice is soft. it doesn't hold the hallmarks of a fight, RAGING TO BE FOUGHT, but instead held a tentative stillness behind it, as if she couldn't quite pair the words to the moment, gaze flickering to find his. "... i won't... i won't tell anybody. i don't... i don't want to see you get... into trouble."

[gatitties]

Hard work

─ Doflamingo (sligh Donquixote fam) x fashion designer!reader

─ Summary: You get angry easily if you are interrupted at work

─ Warnings: none

Puncture after puncture your hands moved nimbly across the expensive fabric you used to work on your artwork, your mind completely on auto while your chest sagged in stress and anxiety. Maybe you should have started working earlier knowing the big clothing order you had, but nobody was going to change your bad habits of always starting everything at the last minute.

It was quite late at night, but you never had good hours knowing that inspiration could come at any time, you always got to work when your mind generated new ideas about dresses, jackets, suits, bags… When you were at work you were a completely different person, someone focused, serious and calculating, but especially in these moments of hysteria is when you were most irascible. Normally you kept calm, nothing used to bother you too much, you preferred to listen instead of talking on most occasions, patiently attend to people's demands, but poor soul who interrupted you while you were working.

Your situation only worsened when a certain stubborn king searched island by island for the best designer for his family, despite the fact that you agreed because of the large amount of money he offered you, you did not want to have to move from your hometown, your wishes were not conceived, Doflamingo wanted his things under absolute control, that means you would live in Dressrosa until he falls, or until you betray his trust and decide to get rid of you.

Luckily you didn't want to get involved in any political or personal problems of Doflamingo, you already had enough problems on your mind to get involved in someone else's.

Going back to your current assignment, the king of Dressrosa had ordered some gala suits from you because he had a business meeting disguised as a formal party for arms trafficking, that for tomorrow and you still needed to mend Baby5's suit, Gladius, Diamante and Doffy himself.

Your room door hadn't been opened a quarter when you grunted at this, pointing your finger accusingly at the person who had the audacity to break your concentration.

"Working! No breaks!"

"The young master asked me to bring you some soda, you always suffer a sugar crash when you work all night without rest."

"I don't need distrac-"

You couldn't finish your sentence when your two arms still working collapsed, you muttered some curses turning your head seeing how Baby5 smiled pleased because now you need her help.

"Just five minutes and I'll be back at work, thanks for the drink."

You could be grumpy, but never ungrateful, the soda helped to relax your mind as well as the small talk with the girl who talked about all kinds of things except work. At least of all the people in the Donquixote family, Baby5 was one of your favorites, so you used to control your fumes whenever she interrupted you in the middle of work.

The problem was that she was not the only interruption that night of hard work and stress, Dellinger always managed to interrupt you and ask questions about your style or inspirations to design the outfits. You tried your best to be nice because he also shared your same passion, but he ended up getting punched because he was starting to ask too many questions.

Of course, he was not the last to poke his nose into your work area, Pica was doing a round of night duty, curious to know how advanced your work was and perhaps something worried because you always went overboard to make everything stay perfect, it wouldn't be the first time he find you passed out on top of the fabrics.

After all, whether you like it or not, you had become part of the family and they took care of their own. Curiosity soon ended when he set foot in the room a lot of needles were thrown directly into his eyes, you didn't even bother to speak, you growled like a dog in rage causing the imposing man to back away immediately, it was better don't bother you, it wouldn't be the first time you nailed those sharp objects to his face.

"I swear to God-!"

This time, it was a different person who opened the door an hour after the incident with Pica, you were going to attack him but your arms didn't respond to your movements, the worst person you could face in this state.

"Fufufufu~ my dear, I like that you try so hard, but it won't do you any good if you die working"

"Fuck you, I have work to finish."

Despite not being able to oppose his strength, that didn't stop Doflamingo from getting rid of your insults and bad words, he was still just another person interrupting your concentration. You only made the man's patience thin with you, he would have killed you long ago if you weren't so helpful.

"Stop complicating things honey, you haven't even realized that you've finished the suits and you've started doing other things."

Your head moved being directed by his power, noticing how the order had been completed but because of your obsession with work you began to carry out your own projects unconsciously. As upset as you were you couldn't continue working mostly because Doflamingo used his power to move towards him.

"Now, let's go to sleep dear."

"Stop calling me dear as if we had a shitty relationship, we didn't even share a bed stupid flamingo!"

"I love to see how you curse with that mouth of yours sweetheart fufufu~"

He picked you up in his arms while you hit his back, twisting in his grip uselessly, if something Doflamingo liked to do it was to drive you completely crazy, he loved to see your annoyed face when insinuating or flirting openly with you.

[love-strawberry]

crestfallen on the landing

summary : he was really grateful that she didn't ask anything of him, but one day, she finally does.

pairing : kaz brekker x reader

warnings : language, angst

author's note : HIIIIIIII!! im so fucking sorry everyone for being so inactive on updating here, i really am. but im here now!! i'll try my best to be on here more regularly :'),,, so kaz might be a bit ooc here and this is pure angst okay?? let me know if u want a part ii,, love u a sm <3 requests are open!!!

tagged : @xhanthexzoria @ateliefloresdaprimavera @ell0ra-br3kk3r @slut4benbarnes @0oolookitsme

masterlist

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y/n y/l/n had her fair share of regrets in her life.

she had made mistakes—some of which she could never come back from but in the end, if someone were to ask her if she was happy, she wouldn't have thought twice about saying yes.

she hadn't had the perfect life, but in the rundown building, full of life with her closest friends—family was a better word; she knew that it wouldn't get better than this.

but then kaz came along.

it wasn't as if he wasn't there before—he was, but he was just kaz then. kaz brekker, bastard of the barrel, dirtyhands, owner of the crow club, leader of the dregs—an asshole to the ones close to him.

but now, he was kaz.

the love of her life, the man who could talk hours on the hand about the most complex and near impossible heist and she would consider it music. the man whom she had loved more than she had ever loved anything, the one who made the dark alleys of the barrel seem like her home and it was.

her home was wherever he was.

he made the small rundown building with a crooked structure and broken staircase feel like home. just like he made the four walls of his office appear like a paradise to her.

their relationship hadn't really been a surprise to the crows, but still, it was a pretty big deal. curses were thrown around, people were threatened and money was made but the crows had never been happier with these two.

their relationship at first was stolen glances, half quirked lips, small nods and feather like touches on the shoulders. it was searching of the other's eye in a room full of people and it was staying awake till three in the morning, waiting for your other half to come back from a job.

then, it was calm. it was catching your lover's eyes from across the room and feeling your heartbeat slow down. it was looking over your shoulder and knowing that they had your back. it was finding your favourite coffee on the dining table in the morning when you woke up late and it was having your favourite thing for lunch at your desk without asking.

and now, y/n hoped it would be eyes that spoke a thousand words, meaningful glances and a lifelong aggreement on the roof where they had first met.

she hoped it would a lifetime of happiness.

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if there was one thing kaz brekker liked about y/n y/l/n, it was that she never asked anything of him.

she never complained about lack of physical contact, she never disagreed with him on the topic of his job and she never asked him to push more than he could.

she understood and he swore that for a moment, he believed that he could love her.

never in a million years to come, he would've been able to guess that he'd have someone. someone he could truly call his own.

in his mind, his relationship was pretty simple. it wasn't kisses in the dark and hands on her waist, it was small whispers in the alleys before a job and it was the slight touch of his gloves on her hands before he went off on a job.

they were great together, kaz knew that much. and they didn't really have problems in their relationship except for the occasional fight about changing the wallpaper in his office and decorating the slat—something both jesper and nina backed her up on.

which is why, he was surprised when she asked him to meet her on the rooftop where they had first met.

and he was even more surprised to see her sitting with her back to the railing, fiddling with her fingers and tapping her foot rhythmically.

"y/n?" kaz called out, his voice a rasp from the december cold. he was wearing his usual attire but regretted not wearing more layers when y/n told him to.

"kaz—hi!" y/n stood up from her place on the ground swiftly and made her way to where he was standing near the exit with her satchel clutched tightly in her hands.

"you wanted to meet me here?" kaz questioned, trying his absolute best not to let his voice come out all cold and demanding but he knew that y/n wouldn't make anything if it.

"oh, yes—" y/n trailed away and for a moment, kaz thought he saw panic and fear in her eyes but she quickly turned away and kaz decided that it was just a trick of the moonlight. "—one second, it's here. please, saints, don't tell me i forgot it—"

kaz watched her with slightly upturned lips as she looked through her satchel and shook his head to remain more serious.

"what is it?"

"have patience, i almost found it."

"found wha—"

his voice trailed away as y/n sighed with relief and turned to him with something in her hand and kaz almost wished that the moon was tricking him and that it was just a play of light.

"it's a ring?" kaz swallowed as he felt the world grew hot and held his cane a bit tighter.

"it's an antique ring," y/n corrected.

"and—" kaz struggled to say the next words, praying to all the saints that inej believed in that she would just say that she had brought it to show it to him. that's all. "—why do you have it?"

y/n's smile had faded a bit but she she shook her head, smiling more brightly than she was before and held out her hand, a good few inches away from kaz, holding the ring up so that he could see it.

"it's—uh," y/n spoke in a whisper, her eyes flickering across kaz's face in uncertainty, "it's for you."

kaz sucked in a sharp breath and looked down. when he looked up, there was not trace of a smile on y/n's face.

"i—" kaz stopped as he tried to string sentences together in his mind in a way that sounded the least harsh, "don't know what to say."

"you and not knowing what to say?" y/n laughed sadly and kaz wanted nothing more than to take back what had already escaped his mouth and make it right. "i mean—deep down i knew this was a possibility but i—i ruled it out. my mistake, right there."

"y/n—" kaz started but she help you her hand and he grew quiet.

"why—i mean, i know that we're still young but we're almost in our late twenties and i know that our lifestyle is not ideal for having a life full of domesticity but we don't have to do that—" y/n spoke rapidly, sounding like it hurt to speak, "—we can be kaz and y/n, stealing from the rich and living in the slat. why, kaz? why?"

kaz brekker didn't have a reason.

he didn't have a reason as to why he couldn't say yes to her. he didn't have a have a reason why it was so hard for him to finally accept something good and something pure and not tainted in life.

but because he was kaz brekker, he always had to get in the last world but this time, he almost wished saints cut his tongue cause nothing would ever make him forget the look on her face as he spoke.

"because in order to marry someone, you actually have to love them. we don't have that."

it had been a blur after that. there was a door slammed and he could practically hear inej sharping her knives to kill him. it had started raining but kaz took no notice.

guilt blossomed in his chest, regret was wrapping like poison ivy around him and cutting off his breath till he was was choking in the blood of the love that he may had killed.

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for y/n, it had been months since she was not able to tell the difference between the rain and her tears.

she made her way threw the narrow alleys, her dagger out and positioned in her hand like it was meant to kill and on a night like this, it was.

she quickly reached the slat and made her way up the stairs to her room, just wanting to lay in bed and add another regret to her list.

she had just finished changing from her wet clothes when a knock sounded at the door—a rhythmic pattern that she herself had taught the sharpshooter.

"jes, i really don't wanna talk right now," y/n called out weakly, her voice giving out halfway between and she cursed as she knew that he would definitely come in now. "just—close the door."

"hey," jesper peeked out from behind the door, taking in her tear stained cheeks and frowned. "what happened?"

"uh—i," y/n's voiced cracked and jesper instantly took a seat beside her on her bed and placed a hand on her should, "i messed it all up."

"don't say that," jesper protested as he wiped her tears. "no, whatever happened, we'll figure it out. what did he say?"

"he didn't have to say anything for me to know that it was 'no' from him," y/n said as she sniffled, the ring feeling so heavy in her pocket. "it's about what he said after."

"oh no, what'd he say?" jesper's face dropped and y/n almost wanted to smile at how horror struck he looked.

"he said that in order for people to marry, they have to love eachother and him and i don't have that," y/n said and her eyes instantly started to sting as his voice played on a loop over and over again in her head.

"okay, wow," jesper scoffed as he looked away. "i—i cannot be—"

his voice muffled after that as y/n pulled out the ring from her pocket and stared at the initials she had gotten engraved. a small 'k' for kaz and a crow next to it.

she looked over it in her hand and wondered that if that ring was so ugly that it made kaz say no.

"—and to say that—"

"is the ring ugly?" y/n interrupted jesper from his rant as she shoved the ring in his face.

"...what?"

"the ring. is it ugly?" y/n repeated slowly.

"uh—no, it's not," jesper spoke, although a bit confused.

"am i ugly?"

"what?! no, of course not, y/n/n," jesper said seriously, looking at her through crazed eyes. "what made you think that?"

"is there something wrong with me then?" y/n ignored his questions, her head running wild.

"no! no. no, listen to me," jesper started as took the ring out of her hand and placed it on her bedside table, "there's nothing wrong with you. you're perfect and anyone would so lucky to have you. kaz is an idiot who doesn't know what's in front of him and i'm telling you, he's gonna regret it—letting you go, that is.

"now, chin up and get some rest," jesper finished with a soothing smile as he stood up. "saints know you need."

"i'll tell the others in the morning," y/n nodded, moving the stacks of papers on her bed to the floor, "yeah, that sounds good."

"okay," jesper agreed, "but don't feel compelled to do so, alright? tell everyone else on your own accord."

"i will," y/n smiled at her friend gratefully before getting up and hugging him. "thank you, jes. i honestly don't know what i would do without you."

"you won't have to ever find out," jesper said, hugging her just as tightly, "i promise. i'll be here, forever and a day after that."

y/n couldn't say anything but with the way she hugged him with everything in her and whispered a 'thank you', she knew that jesper understood everything she wanted to say.

the two parted for the night and y/n returned to her bed, and stared at the ring in silence.

a moment passed and then another one and before she could stare any longer, she quickly placed the ring in one of the many drawers and turned off the lamp.

sighing heavily, she stared at the ceiling and before she even knew, she was clutching her stomach, and her hand was on her mouth, muffling the heart shattering sobs that slipped out like red wine and tainted her pillow.

her whole body shook as she drew in shaking breathes—or at least tried to. before she could even inhale properly, another sob made its way out of her chest and it hurt all over again.

she felt the pain in her chest, in the stomach and in her head. it was excruciating and painful and the worst of it all was that she believed that it was fine.

it was fine because that was how she had expected it be—loving kaz.

she knew that she'd never have the that love that nina and matthias had or jesper and wylan and she was fine with it.

she had always thought that in that end, it'd be silencing screams and painful words and barbed wired voices. but she never would've thought that it'd be a muted decison, ragged breaths and silences that felt deafening.

as she drew in another shaky breath, she swore that for a moment, she wondered if this was what the poets meant by death by a broken heart.

----------

----------

[xiyao-feels]

And this is from ch 42, on the watchtowers, by the way:

After Jin GuangYao officially succeeded the position of Sect Leader and became the Chief Cultivator, he immediately gathered people and resources from the sects, and started to carry out his past goals. In the beginning, the voices of opposition were deafening. A lot of people suspected that the LanlingJin Sect used it to gain personal benefits and stuff its own pockets. With a smiling face, Jin GuangYao persisted for five years. During the years, he allied but also fell out with countless people. Using both gentle and forceful methods, he did all that he could and what he wished for was finally completed. More than twelve hundred “lookout towers” had been built.

These “lookout towers” were scattered around the more remote places. Every one of them were assigned disciples from certain sects. If anything strange happened, they’d take action at once. When they couldn’t deal with the matter, they’d send out messages to other sects or rogue cultivators for help. Even if the cultivators who came wanted something in return while the locals were too poor to give them any, the money that the LanlingJin Sect gathered throughout each year would be enough to support them.

All of these happened after the death of the YiLing Patriarch. Wei WuXian only heard the ins and outs from Lan WangJi after they passed a few lookout towers during their journey. Rumors had it that Koi Tower was preparing to build the next batch of lookout towers, increasing them to three thousand in number so that they covered a greater area. Although after the first lookout towers were built, they received widespread approvals due to their notable effects, the voices of suspicion and ridicule had never died either. When the time came, the cultivation world would definitely be thrown into chaos again.

I really am always blown away by the sheer scale of it—twelve hundred watchtowers! There's a reason my blog title is what it is. They'd have only been in operation for about six years, but when I think about how many lives they must have saved just directly! And then all the lives saved indirectly, people who didn't die because there were enough hands for the harvest, say, when some of those hands would bave died if the watchtowers hadn't been in place...

And it's not like he was resting on his laurels—he's working to expand it! To three thousand! It's just this absolutely immense undertaking, and it did so much good and it would have done even more good, except—it's not even just that he died, that would have caused problems but I wouldn't be surprised if they managed to arrange something; it's that NHS wanted to destroy everything JGY ever built and loved.

But the watchtowers are one reason the story that he was corrupted by a desire for power really doesn't work for me. If that's so we should expect him to be worst when he has more power—but it's precisely the opposite! And he was working on the plans for these while he was still just Jin Guangyao, before he ever became clan leader, trying to petition his father to work on them—though of course his father wasn't interested. It was his goal before he had the power to bring it about himself, and once he did have the power, he kept working on that goal, and he saved innumerable lives. The idea that this is him being corrupted by power just doesn't fit.

[20moonchild21]

๛Struggling

Gif by @minyoongihoseok

Pairing: Poly!BTS x girlfriend!reader

Warnings: hardcore fluff, slight swearing

Words: 3400+

ッ

๛匕he one where she struggles with money∙ꨄ

"What do you mean, you can't pay me this month?" You asked angrily, as you drove your hands through your hair.

"I am sorry, but what should I do? Rents are high these days. If I don't pay..." Your boss tried to defended himself with the same excuses he had given you before.

"Rents are hight? Are you serious right now?" You interrupted him quickly, getting angrier with every word he said. "What do you think I pay my rent with? Paperclips and stones? I need this money or else I have to quit my apartment. We have a contract. You have to pay me, please!"

Times were hard these days. The pandemic had hit the country hard, but aftermath was even worse. Most people were still too afraid to go out onto the streets, rather staying home and shopping online for everything, which causes you a big problem.

For years you had worked in a small bakery, that was known for their extravagant pastries and specialities. The pay wasn't much, but you loved your creative job.

Seeing people smiling when they see their wedding cake for the first time, was one of the best thing coming along with you job, but with no weddings allowed, there was no one to buy those expensive cakes. And the few people buying small cupcakes wasn't enough for keeping the business alive.

Of course you knew that your boss's hands were tight, as well as yours. He had to pay his rent, but so did you.

"I am so sorry." He said again, sounding almost sad. "But I can't give you this money. We made almost zero sales this month. My pockets are empty. I already need to take my own, private money to save the shop, or else I can close next month."

You closed your eyes, as your hands were gripping the armrest of the chair you were sitting on. You weren't the type to yell or scream at people when things didn't go the way you like it, but this time, you just wished to yell out all your frustration at him.

Everything came together at this point, which made it hard for you to keep calm.

You hadn't seen your boyfriends in over 3 weeks, because they were stuck in quarantine at home after coming back from a project filming abroad.

Then, your period had started unannounced this morning, causing you a ruined trouser and cramps, along with a heavy headache.

And now it seemed like you even would be homeless next month, because you weren't able to afford your rent.

You pressed you eyes closer together, trying to hold back the swelling tears.

"Maybe you have someone who could borrow...." You boss began again, but you didn't want to head what he was about to say.

Making depts was the last thing you wanted to make. You mother had always raised you to earn your own money, and pay for the thing you want to have yourself.

Asking someone for money would lead you to asking for more and more and more, until you can't pay that someone back. The same situation you were stuck in now.

"It's okay." You said quietly. "I will find a solution. Have a nice weekend."

You bent down, grabbing for you bag and leaving the small office, heading straight back home.

The next morning was hard for you. The letter lying in your mailbox in evening wasn't helping to cheer up your mood. You landlord was getting more and more impatient, waiting for his rent to be paid. You were already 3 weeks late with you rent, and slowly he was running out of sympathy.

The words he wrote held you up from sleep the whole night, causing you to desperately think about a solution for this problem:

"...termination without notice if the rent is not be paid within the next two weeks..."

You had cried a lot this last night. Never in you life you had thought that you would end up like this, broke and desperate. You even had considered to jump over your pride and ask your boyfriends, who clearly had enough money, to help you out. But you quickly threw away this option, not wanting to use them because of their money.

With no other option left, you found yourself sitting on your laptop, checking you bank account. Of course you never spend all your money all at once. You had laid back a certain amount of money, your life savings, that you had sworn to never touch.

This money was so important for you, because it was meant to be spend into your future. A future that included your boyfriends, a own house, a car.....children.

Of course, you knew that each of your boyfriends were millionaires, multiplied with 7.

If you wanted, you would never have to go to work ever again. With their money, they could probably buy you 10 houses, 9 cars, 5 horses, a plane and everything you could ever wish for.

But that had never been your goal in life. You didn't want them to pay everything for you. They had own dreams, and each of them had worked hard to earn this much money. You couldn't and you wouldn't take advantages of that.

"Fuck." You whispered, as your head sunk onto the table you were sitting on.

By now, you couldn't hold back your tears anymore.

You computer screen showed your online bank account, listing the accounts you had created years agon. Among them the one that was your last chance to not be homeless soon:

Life Savings.

As you clicked on the link, a new window opened on your screen, showing you all the amount of money you had saved.

4,516 $

You stared at this number. Of course, this didn't sound too much in the first moment, but you were still young, and with 4000$ you would easily come through another 4 months, even more if you would be economical.

The tears were still running down your plump cheeks, rolling over your chin and staining your blue shirt. You didn't want to do that at all, but you had no other choice.

The only person you would have been brave enough to ask for help, was your mom. Sadly, she died 5 years ago, with all her bereaved money spent for the hospital bills and the funeral.

You sighed heavily. There was no going back now. You would transfer the money to your landlord today, before he could kick you out.

You were about to click the small 'Transfers' button, when suddenly your doorbell rang. You flinched heavily when the loud noise rang through you ear, obviously not expecting someone today.

You stood up and walked out of your bedroom, over to the front door.

Immediately when you opened the door, a bouquet of red roses blocked your view. You let out a small shriek, when the red flowers sunk down, revealing a familiar face behind it.

"Hello." Jimin flashed you his beautiful smile, before he pushed the flowers into Namjoon's arms, stepping forward and lifting you into his arms.

"Oh my god." You breathed out as you broke away from you paralysis. You wrapped your arms highly around the silver haired boy, who was still hugging you. "You are here."

"Jimin, don't break her." You heard Yoongi's deep voice from behind. "We still need her."

He tugged Jimin's shirt, until he let you down onto the floor, pouting as he had to pull away from you. He pressed a gentle kiss to your nose one last time, before the next boy stepped forward.

Their very presence was enough for you to calm down from the past stressing days. Having them squeezing you in their arms, kissing you all over your face made you feel so loved and invulnerable in the moment.

"May we step in?" Jin asked as he pulled away from you.

Still overwhelmed from their sudden visit, you looked at him confused. He gestured his hand into your apartment. You quickly stepped away from the doorway, letting them step inside.

"Are you okay, Jagiya (Honey)? You look a little bit pale." Jungkook asked as he stepped in front of you.

He lifted his hand up towards your forehead, feeling if you had a fever. But your skin felt cold under his touch.

"I am just – I am just surprise that you...." You began to stutter as they all stared at you.

They could tell that something was up with you. Being together for almost 3 years now, they knew that you would began to slightly stutter when you try to hide something. So you had to think about an excuse, before one of them would ask more questions.

"What are you even doing here?" Was the first thing that came into your mind. "Shouldn't you be in quarantine or something?"

"Silly Jagiya." Jungkook laughed as he cupped your face into his big, manly (and now tattooed) hands, pressing a wet kiss onto your nose. "Three weeks are over. We can leave the dorm again, so we decided to surprise you!"

The boys quickly let go of your strange behaviour. You all went into your living room where Hoseok and Tae were already pulling out your sofa, that way you would all fit on it. As soon as they placed the cushions back onto the sofa, you were lifted from the ground a thrown onto it.

"Hey!" You laughed and giggled as Jimin crawled over you.

He laid his much heavier body onto your smaller one, trapping you under him. He grabbed for you wrists, pulling them up over your head, where he pinned them down onto the soft fabric. With his mouth, he placed a line of kisses from your collarbone up to your ear.

"I missed you so much." He whispered as he nibbled the sensitive skin of your ear. "I thought about you a lot during quarantine, Sweetie."

You knew what he wanted from you. As Namjoon once said, Jimin needed indeed a lot of love and attention, but you loved to give it to him. Sadly, you had to disappoint him this time.

He was already pulling and tugging on your shirt, when you brought your mouth up to his ear.

"I am on my period." You whispered in that sexy voice you knew he normally loved.

He pulled away from you, looking into your eyes deeply.

"Are you serious?" He whined as he let go of your arms.

You were already laughing hard when the other finally came from the kitchen with snacks and drinks in their hands.

"What are you laughing at, Jagyia?" Tae asked as he plopped down next to you. "And why is he already pouting?"

He gestured for Jimin, who had crawled off of you, and was now lying beside you, hiding his face in your chest as you drove your fingers through his soft hair.

"She is being mean." He mumbled against your chest. "Stacking me three weeks in quarantine, with no one to care for me, and now that I have the chance to finally love my girlfriend again, she is one her period. You did this on purpose, didn't you?"

"We had phone sex almost ever day." You laughed at him as you pressed a kiss into his hair.

"But this isn't the same." He still whined. "And we hadn't had sex yesterday. So you can't say every day. And beside, sex over the phone isn't the same..."

You sighed at his words. You forgot to call them the previous evening, because of all the stress going on with your work and apartment.

"I am sorry." You said, as you threw your head back into the soft cushions. "I was just so stressed with work and stuff."

"Is everything okay with work?" Yoongi asked as he took your hand. "It must be hard for you when no weddings are allowed."

For a moment, your thought about telling them about the trouble your boss had with keeping the business going, but you decided to not bother them with your problems. They had enough stress with their band.

"Yes, yes, Everything is fine." You quickly tried brushed his concerns off. "We have a lot of pre orderings and stuff."

The topic quickly changed. The boys told you everything they did while stuck up in quarantine. They had used the time to work on their new album, which they wanted to do on their own. They told you how recording and producing was going.

"Hey, Aein (Sweetheart)?" Namjoon suddenly spoke up. You lifted your head from Hoseok's chest to look up at him. "Have you seen my green shirt by any chance? I couldn't find it anywhere at the dorm."

"Oh yes." You quickly said. "You forgot it the evening before you left. I washed and folded it on my desk. You can get it."

He nodded and got up from the sofa to walk up towards you bedroom. The other boys meanwhile where swarming about the evening before they left for America three weeks ago, complaining how bad they need you.

ꕀ

Namjoon had reached your bedroom door quickly.

He pushed it open and stepped inside. Immediately, he smiled when he saw your tidy bedroom. You have always been an organized person, which he admired, because he absolutely wasn't able to hold his room at home tidy.

He looked around, and spotted his green shirt, carefully folded on the table next to your laptop. He passed your bed and was about to reach his hand out for the piece of fabric, when his eyes fell onto the sheet of paper lying onto your desk.

He didn't want to invade your privacy, but the headline of the sheet caught his attention.

"Admonition: Pay your rent." Was written at the top of the paper.

His eyebrows cocked up. You didn't mention to them that you were laid with paying your rent this month. Normally, you didn't keep any secrets from each other.

He quickly read over the text. It seemed like you not only forgot to pay your rent, but you had delayed the day of paying several times. His eyes shifted over to your laptop, that was still opened up from when you were earlier working on it.

He entered the password, and the window of your bank account popped open. He saw which account you had opened, and it shocked him. He knew about your life savings, and he was slowly combining the figures.

You sometimes had mentioned that you didn't eared much money with your job, but you had never before complained about being not able to pay for your rent. Why would you take your life saving, instead of asking one of the boys or him for help? They would always help you out.

He stood up from the desk and walked towards the door. He quickly had to ask you about the rent topic, before you would do something you will regret later.

"Aein!" He called from the doorway. "Can you come here for a second, please?"

He waited for you to finally reach the room. Confused, you looked at your tall boyfriend sitting on your bed, looking kind of nervous and worried.

"Are you okay?" You asked, suddenly being pretty nervous yourself.

He didn't answer, instead, he gestured for you to take a place next to him on the bed. You made your way up,, and let your body sink down next to his. From this position, your gaze fell onto your desk. A flash of shock hit your body. Had he read the letter? What if he saw your bank account? What....

"I – ehm – I just want to say that I didn't want to invade your privacy. It was an accident." He said, as he took your hand, looking deep into your eyes. "But I saw the letter lying on your table. Are you having trouble with paying your rent? You know we would ever...."

"No, I am fine." You quickly said, not wanting to hear what he was about to say. "My boss is just a little bit late with my payment. But it will eventually arrive within the next days."

He looked at you intensely, knowing that you were lying because he saw your bank account. He sighed, and pulled you over from your spot onto his lap. Immediately, your arms wrap around his neck, nuzzling your nose into his neck. His apple scent was overwhelming your nose.

"Aein." He said quietly while stroking your back in small circles. "Why are you lying to me? You know that I, that we, would always help you out. I saw on your computer that you were about to take the money from your life savings. Why would you do that instead of asking one of us?"

By now, you couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Not only had you lied to your boyfriends, you also had to admit yourself that you had problems that you couldn't solve on your own. You hugged him tighter, sobbing quietly into his neck.

Namjoon didn't say anything, he just rocked you gently back and forth, rubbing small circles on your back. He wanted to give you the time to tell him by your own. After a few minutes, you finally pulled away from the soft skin of his neck, eyes puffy and red.

"I – I don't – I am sorry." You sobbed even more, not being able to say the words. This was a really big deal for you. "I just don't you to think that I need your money to survive and - and I didn't want to have any depts. So I thought I – I could use some money from my life saving to bridge over this month."

You looked at your hands in your lap, fiddling with the sleeve of Namjoon's shirt.

"Look at me." He said, as he lifted you face by your chin. "Did one of us make you ever feel like you were dependent from us?"

You shook your head slightly, without hesitation.

"Did one of us make you ever feel judged when you had problems?"

You shook your head again.

"Did one of us denied you any help once, when you needed it?"

"No." You whispered.

He pressed a kiss onto your forehead. He then placed his left arm under your kneecap and his right arm under your back to lift you up in his arms. As he began to walk out of your room, you wrapped your arms once again around his neck.

When the two of you reached the living room, all the other heads shot up from the TV.

"Where have you been so long?" Jin asked as he shoved a hand full of crisps into his mouth.

When they saw your puffy eyes, they all immediately knew that your had been crying. Namjoon sat down onto the sofa, letting go of you, as another pair of strong arms were already wrapped around your body from behind.

"What happened?" You heard Jungkook whispering in your ear from behind, as he placed small kisses all around your ear.

You hesitated for a moment. Then looking up at Namjoon, who gestured for you to tell them, by lying his hand on your knee.

Carefully, you told your boyfriends about the financial problems your had. You told them about your work and your boss not being able to pay your payment in time, so you could pay your rent in time. You told them about you not being brave enough to ask someone for help, because you were embarrassed.

The boys listened carefully, as you spoke.

"But Jagyia." Jimin had crawled up beside you. "We are together. You have to tell us everything that is on your mind. We would never reject you, you know?"

"I know." You laughed slightly as you kissed his plump lips, that were just inches away from yours. "I am sorry. I thought I can just bridge this month."

"You are so silly sometimes." Jin suddenly said, as he bent forward to grab your arms pulling you along with him as he threw himself backwards onto the sofa. "I want you to trust us with everything that bothers you. We want you to be happy."

The eighth of you kept talking a little while longer, until you heard the words:

"Maybe paying rent is not necessary anymore, because there actually is something we wanted to ask you for quite a long time now."

________________________________________

I think this one is pretty cute.

What do you think is the question at the end? I thin it is pretty obvious. Lol.

Mꨄ

[headinthestaticsky]

Extras for The Dusk Calls for me.

Authors Note: While I plan out the next few chapters of my story, enjoy these memories I did for the re-write I did on Wattpad.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions and a attempt of SA

Time: This Takes place a year before the beginning of The Dusk Calls for me.

"Makes me feel like flying

Top-down backstreet driving Dusty road all alone

Tip my hat Puff of smoke, smoke

Makes me feel like flying

I just run ."

American Gurl by: Kilo Kish

I was finally out, those words of bile my mother and sister spew toward me finally pushed me over the edge. Yet those words finally got me back with my father in Forks, where I always belonged.

Flashback: One Week Ago.

"FLEUR! GET DOWN HERE NOW!" My erratic mother Renee yelled from downstairs.

My heart started beating out of my chest, what did I do this time? I walked into the dining room, Renee and Isabella were sitting at the table across from where I was sitting. Bella had a smirk on her face relishing in the tension between Renee and I.

"Yes?" I asked.

"You always have to cause trouble don't you?' She replied back, malice laced her voice.

"What? What are you even talking about?"

"Bella told me you've been saving money to go see your father in Forks." She spat at me.

My rapidly beating heart sunk down into my stomach, I had been trying to see my dad in Forks for a year now. My mother refused to get me a plane ticket herself, she always told me I reminded her too much of my father and that I didn't need to be around him anymore than I already was which wasn't often.

"Mother, it's my money I can do with it as I please," I said calmly though I could feel the rage beginning to boil in my blood.

"YOU AREN'T GOING!" She yelled demandingly.

I couldn't control myself, it was as if someone else had entered my body.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS SO WRONG FOR WANTING TO SEE MY FATHER!?"

"I'M NOT GOING TO WASTE THAT KIND OF MONEY ON YOU!"

"Well you aren't now aren't you? It's my own money and I will use it however the hell I want to!"

"Oh don't you..." Renee started.

"Are you going to tell me you would be doing the same thing if Bella was the one wanting to go see dad?"

"She isn't a trouble maker." She snapped back.

"How am I a trouble maker? For wanting my mother to be kind and considerate? For wanting my mother to treat me with respect? To get an ounce of love from the frozen, undead heart inside your chest?" I asked, my face heated up it felt like it was burning.

"If you can't stand to be around us so much why don't you just move down there to Forks?"

"I will, just give me the rest of the money for the plane ticket and I swear to god the second I walk out that door I will NEVER come back!"

"Fine..." I turned away from her before she could say anything else. Before I reached the stairs I turned around again, looking directly at Bella.

"Get away from her while you can Isabella, or you're going to end up being just as toxic as she is." I then left before they could say anything else.

Flashback over: 2 years before the Original story begins.

I looked to the side, staring out the window. The desert plains had disappeared while I slept and now the lush green forests overtook the view. The fog wasn't heavy but the skies were covered with dark grey clouds and a downpour of rain. The cold weather was a lot more favorable in my opinion, the sun couldn't burn my skin much here. The plane had begun to shake signaling that the plane was beginning to land. I couldn't wait to see my father again, I hadn't seen him since my 12th birthday. When I got off the plane I stretched, being cramped in a small plane for an almost 3-hour flight wasn't exactly the most comfortable.

I walked through the crowded airport, scanning the area for my father. I bumped into some disgruntled couples and quickly left before I was caught in the crossfires of their mood.

"Petal?" I heard from behind me. I turned around quickly recognizing that voice, it could calm me down before I got into trouble.

"Dad..." I said fondly before running up to hug him.

My heartfelt I little more full, and the pain my mother inflicted on me was healed for the time being. We walked out together, each of us was carrying a bag. The wind was strong today and my hair was flying all of the places. Its cooling touch raised goosebumps on my skin, mom didn't buy any warmer clothes for me so I was stuck in the typical Arizona tank tops and shorts. Luckily for me, the car was already warmed up so I dethawed quickly. We drove for a few minutes in silence, the roar of the engine and other passing cars were the only sounds filling the space.

"So, how have you been? I feel like I haven't seen you in a while." Dad said.

"I've been better, you know how mom is," I mumbled.

"I don't know what happened to her, she wasn't like that in high school. If she was I wouldn't have even wasted a second on her."

"I know you would've dad...she's cruel for sure. She's just good at hiding it from people she wants to impress."

"Yeah, she is."

The drive was a giant wave of nostalgia, being 16 now and seeing all of the familiar sites and views brought back fond memories. The old ice cream shop dad use to take me to, the reservation that Sam and Leah lived on, it all brought me back. It also fueled anger, however, as my mother constantly kept me under the brutal radiation of the sun.  Dad must've seen the look on my face and put his hand on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay Petal, you're away from her now." He comforted.

"It's not just her dad... Bella's acting like her too."

"That's a shame... it really is."

"Yeah... it is." I sighed.

"I just can't wait to get back home, the attic is calling for me."

Dad chuckled before speaking again.

"You know... I heard you just got your license... So I got you an older car."

"You did not have to do that dad."

"It doesn't get in until next week, so I'll have to drive you to school until then," Dad said as if that would balance out the fact he got me a car.

"That's fine dad. What is it?"

"It's an old Mustang, a Fastback."

"Thank you, dad..."

"No problem Petal.

When we pulled into the driveway of our small but beautiful home the nostalgia fully set in. The colors were exactly the same, and the grass was just as muddy and dead as before.

"Well I cleared off some shelves for you in the bathroom, your room was a bit dusty so I just cleaned it for you," Dad explained as he helped me take my luggage upstairs.

"Sounds good, thank you again, dad, I love you."

"Love you too Petal." He kissed my head before closing the door behind me. The room was bare, I would have to fix it later on. I collapsed on my bed, facing the ceiling.

"I'm home."

September 17th, 2004.

"Dad I have to go, I don't want to be late on my first day!" I exclaimed throwing on a leather jacket.

"Petal I am almost ready, I never knew you were so much of a bookworm." He joked, ruffling my hair.

"Dad I am an entire school year ahead of where I should be... I take my education very seriously." I said, trying to hide the growing smirk on my face.

"Alright alright let's go," Dad said, taking my arm and pulling me out the door.

We were only driving for a little bit when I decided to roll the window down, I placed my arms on where the window used to be and rested my head on them. My hair blew out of my face and the cool mist of Forks hit me. When we arrived at the school dad was scanning the parking lot looking for a place to park when he passed right by a group of people. They were all gorgeous, their faces seemingly perfectly sculpted, and they all had the same colored eyes, golden. My eyes locked with one however, they were filled with pain for a second before melting into shock. something strange filled my chest and my heart began to race. As we drove past them I gave him a smile, hoping to ease his shock.

Timeskip: September 30th, 2004

Something was up, the boy I saw outside that window, Jasper Hale was more than what he seemed. He was freezing cold all the time, and I swore I saw his eyes turn black for a split second when he saw a boy from another make a gesture toward me. It was strange really, we had been friends for a few weeks but he seemingly had a protective...energy over me. But at the same time, I still felt something... I couldn't explain it. It was as if we were connected to each other in some way. My dad had to take my car to the shop and he couldn't pick me up today so I decided to take a trip to the library, hoping to find some new material to read.

I didn't realize how long I had been in the library until I looked out of the small windows of the building. The sky was darkened and daylight was running out, I checked out a few books and left not wanting to be stuck walking in the night. I was a few blocks home when I heard 3 men talking behind me.

"Oh looks at this one..."

"She seems perfect for us."

"Come here girly... we just want to talk."

My heart raced and my pace quickened, speed walking home. I tried taking weird turns and cuts but they wouldn't fall for the bait. I decided to run for it hoping my legs would be quick enough to evade them all. I was then pushed against the wall 2 minutes into my escape again, the smell of alcohol made me want to retch.

"You aren't very good at listening to orders." One murmured, his face was inches away from me, he breathed in my scent and began to chuckle.

"Don't be too hard on her... I like ones that fight." Another said

"Make this easy on yourself girl..."

One reached down to take off my clothes when he was suddenly thrown back a few feet into the air. I just stood against the wall shocked, I saw Jasper standing over the man before making his way over to the other two men. They both took off leaving their "friend" behind but Jasper zoomed toward them. His speed was inhuman and his strength was unprecedented yet I couldn't stop myself from moving from my spot. The other two men were flown into the air and scream on impact. Jasper grabbed them both by the throats.

"If you EVER try to touch her or any woman for that matter like that again... I. will. kill. you!" He growled before releasing them down on the ground. They gasped and ran again, babbling in terror toward one another.

Jasper walked toward me with a guilty look on his face, his hand reached out for mine and I took it without even thinking.

"Come with me Darlin' I have a lot to explain to you." He said softly, his mood had completely changed with me.

We walked for a few moments in silence, I side-eyed him for any shift in behavior, when it didn't I decided to interrogate him.

"How did you do that?" My voice trembled.

He sighed before replying.

"I'm a vampire." He said blatantly.

I looked at him and laughed thinking it was a joke... when he didn't join I stopped and looked at him with shock.

"You're serious?" I said, my eyes widening again.

"Yes I am, I've been 17 for...141 years. I got changed during the Civil War."

"Damn... you're old... wait were you in the Civil War?"

"Yes, I was drafted to the Confederate Army when I was 17..."

"Yikes..."

"You're telling me, I ran away the first chance I got... I wasn't going to fight in some war that was fueled by warped and disgusting ideas just because I was forced to. I never thought the way they did... I never understood why someone could think so low of a human being just because of his skin."

"That's very brave of you."

"I had just made it to Galveston when I decided to take a break... I ended up on a beach... that's when I ran into an immortal named Maria. She was creating an army and decided that I would be a good fit for it."

"She changed you against your will?"

"I didn't even know what she was doing until I felt searing pains from my arms all the way up to my neck." He explained rolling up his sleeves and showing me his scars."

I traced the teeth marks on his forearm before looking up at him again.

"I'm sorry that happened to you..."

He looked up at me in shock.

"You... you feel sympathy for something like me? I'm a monster..." He said sincerely.

"It wasn't even your choice as to what you became... and I don't think a monster would've saved me back there. Face it, Jasper, you're a big softie who's had bad experiences in his long... long life."

He chuckled before glancing at me, we made it back to the house, dad still wasn't home yet. We walked into the backyard, sitting in patio chairs and looking up at the stars.

"There's something else I have to tell you." Jasper admitted in the darkness.

I looked at him in confusion, what else did he have to tell me? He's a werewolf too?

"You're..." He hesitated. "You're my mate." He said quickly.

"What? How... vampires have mates?" I asked in shock.

"Yes we do, and we instantly know when we've met them. Didn't you feel it, when you looked out that window at me? It was enamour... love, something I have never experienced before."

"I haven't either... but I have to admit I felt something too. I just didn't know what it was, I felt connected to you somehow though. But... I'm 16... falling deeply in love isn't exactly something I planned."

"I understand completely. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do. I understand I am a vampire... this is a lot to take in." Jasper said lowering his head in shame, his curls covered his eyes.

I sat up and turned to him.

"Hey, hey it's not just because you're a vampire honest! I just need to think things through... we can still talk in and out of school I won't push you out." I said a bit faced-paced. I didn't want to hurt his feelings he did just save me after all.

He looked and me and grabbed my hand.

"Take all the time you need Fleur, I will accept your answer no matter what is it." He said sincerely.

"Thank you... Jasper."

"It's not any trouble." His face lit up all of the sudden, car headlights entered my line of view. I felt my hand by dropped by his cold one and a whoosh of wind flew my hair forward. I turned back around and he was gone.

Timeskip: October 16th, 2004.

It was hard, weighing the pros and cons of being with Jasper.

Pros: We were soulmates... destined to be with each other, He knew my limits and respected my boundaries, he gave me a choice, not forcing me into something I might not want to do, and he was a kind and gentle soul. We understood each other, our hearts and souls were connected and I would never find someone else I would be so close to.

Cons: He was a creature who thirsted for blood... a thirst he didn't always have the best control over, Being in a serious relationship at such a young age was a huge commitment I didn't even fully know who I was... would I ever be able to find out who I am being so committed to someone If I did become involved in a relationship two things would happen... I would die and leave him lonely for eternity, or I would be turned into a vampire... leaving my family behind.

My mulling over of the pros and cons was interrupted, a girl had cleared her throat. I looked up realizing I was still in the school library, standing in the back of the constant isles of books. I turned to the voice and my eyes were shocked to see Rosalie Hale looking at me.

"Rosalie? Is there something you need?" I asked.

"Let's go for a walk, I need to talk to you in private." She said she seemed tense about something.

I checked out the books I got before following her to the outside, we walked near the edge of the woods. The dead leaves and grass crunched underneath our feet.

"I know Jasper told you about us... and he told me that you wanted to think somethings over with him." She started.

"Hey... I just wanted to let you know I would never tell anyone about you guys... And I'm not trying to hurt Jasper with me thinking our relationship over. It's just a lot of process." By the time I finished that statement she laughed and patted my shoulder.

"Don't worry Fleur I completely understand why you want to think over some things... I would too if I were in your shoes. Besides, I trust you... I get a good vibe off of you." Rosalie replied smiling at me.

"I want to get into a relationship with Jasper I do but... I don't want to leave my father... he's all I got right now and I'm all he's got."

"Hey, I promise no one would force you into becoming a vampire in our family... I especially wouldn't force you to."

"Really?"

"Yes of course... It's nice to meet someone with a respect for mortality."

"It's just... I always to do certain things... like going to that art school in Cayon City Oregon... the Art Museums down there are amazing... and I always wanted to kid when I was older... a little boy." I explained smiling fondly at the thought.

"I did too... I always wanted a son."

"But at the same time... I wouldn't want to spend all my time with Jasper... only to leave him alone for eternity you know?" I asked her hoping she would get my point of view.

"Of course... I can tell you've been conflicted these past few weeks about it. But I wanted to vouch for Jasper... he's willing to do anything for you, and his thirst for blood has never been more controlled than when he's been with you. He won't take you away from your family either... he would never want to hurt you in any way possible." She explains turning toward me to look me in the eyes so the message could really sink in.

"Thanks, Rosalie..."

"Of course...give Jasper a chance, I promise it'll be worth it." She said.

"I will... I'll talk to him tonight, thanks for the guidance."

"No problem."

Timeskip: October 16th, 2004: 10:12 PM

Dad was gone, he had to work late down at the station tonight. My palms and legs shook nervous to tell Jasper my decision. I was sitting in the same spot I was in when Jasper told me I was his soulmate... the cool air calmed my nerves slightly before I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Fleur? You said you wanted to talk to me... are you okay?" Jasper's voice asked worryingly behind my closed lids.

"Yeah, I'm fine... I just wanted to give you an answer about... everything."

He sat down adjacent to me and nodded, wanting me to continue.

"I will get into a relationship with you... thank you for giving me the time to think about things."

He smiled before asking me if he could kiss my cheek. I said yes of course and it seemed my body melted in bliss and content. All the past weeks' tensions and worrying left me and it was replaced with love... and a sense of stability. We looked up at the stars and I pointed toward the largest one in the sky.

"You see that one?" I said.

"Yes, I do Darlin'."

"That is the star of the path I started with you..."

[ageofevermore]

Golden

summary → in which Harry doesn’t understand how he can possibly love such a small baby so painfully much. 

word count → 1.7k

note → this might require a few deep breaths because oh lord, i really laid the fluff down thick. 

add yourself to my taglist

When you and Harry had fallen pregnant it was unexpected. You had been talking about starting a family in the near future, but hadn't felt the need to fall in deep. You were aware of the problems you might face with natural conception, especially due to the stress of being employed by the entertainment industry, but just three days after your conversation, the both of you had gotten carried away in a moment of beautiful love.

You had been on birth control ever since your seventeenth birthday when your mother figured you might begin to explore your sexual desires. It was something she was quite open about, making it easier to tell her that you were seeing a green eyed wonder called, Harry.

It was just after a morning run through LA that you took a test. It was some cheap brand, an impulse buy after laying in bed worrying about your lack of protection weeks prior. You had been paranoid for days, your cycle abnormally long and lacking the usual symptoms of tension and muscle aches. Instead, you had full fledges cramps and headaches.

When the first test came back positive you almost fainted on the floor of your en-suite. Harry was just downstairs and heard the unusual commotion. You were usually light on your feet, a classically trained ballet dancer as a child. It was worrisome to find you doubled over on your hands and knees beside the tipped over nightstand. Harry had immediately rushed to your aid, collecting your frame in his hands and pressing soft kissing to your forehead until he could get your attention. Your eyes were dazed, hands balling into the fabric of his thick black jumper. You were completely beside yourself with joy.  

"What's a'matter, moppet?" He mumbled against your forehead, pulling your legs over his lap so her could bring you closer. He softly pried your hands away from his jumper, kissing your clenched knuckles fervently. "Scaring me, love. What's got you so worked up?"

The thought of the positive pregnancy test in your palm brought on a new wave of tears. The tip of your nose trembled as you broke into a wide grin, breaking down completely into Harry's chest with gleefully shocked giggled. Harry didn't waste a minute, wrapping his arms around your middle and pulling you closer to his chest. Your legs wrapped around him like a koala, but it only made this moment sweater for you. For now, you were the only one that knew about the growing baby making a home for itself inside of you. For years you had overlooked how special this moment would be.

"Pet." Harry cooed, bringing his fingers down your spine. The metal of his rings was cold when he lifted your shirt and tickled your back with scratches. "Gotta tell me what's got you so giddy."

Uncoordinatedly you smashed your lips against Harry's. Your teeth knocked against his harshly, but all you could manage was a smile that left his lips wet, "We're parents." Your whispered.

-

The end of your pregnancy was brutal, complete with unbearable braxton hicks and obscene swelling. You had been riddled with insomnia for weeks as well, and the throbbing in your fingers was brought on by the wedding band stuck between your knuckles that even elevation and heating pads couldn't help. Harry had done his absolute best to make you comfortable, but even his hour long foot rubs and 3am snack runs did little for you. None of that was relevant now, nor was the stitching holding your torn vagina together. Your baby, sweet Indie Anne Styles, was here. She was perfect, and she was finally before your eyes.

Her warm pink body was flush against your chest. Harry stood off to the side, tears blurring his vision as he took in the picture before him. His first true love was embracing their own little mini. He had no doubts that his little Indie was a product of the truest breed of young love. Indie, Harry wasn't so sure the big name fit her little body and button nose.

"Look at her, lovie." You sniffled, running your finger down her cheek. She had finally stopped wailing, settling into your warmth and letting herself fall asleep in your embrace. You were certain birth was tiring for babies, glad to see that your little love was resting up now and getting ready to experience the life you and Harry had shaped just for her. "She's perfect."

"Knew she would be, love." Harry came closer to the both of you, bending down to press a kiss to your sticky forehead. He loosely grabbed the newborns hand, chocking on a sob when she gripped his thumb. Her grip was tight for such a tiny human, and already Harry was sure he wouldn't be able to live every day with a heart so heavy with love.

Your husband was barely keeping himself together over your shoulder as he admired your daughter. You had gently coaxed a pacifier between her lips after watching her squirm, and the soft pink plastic only brought Harry a new wave of overwhelming love and protection. He never wanted anything to hurt his littlest love, his precious baby Indie.

"Thank you, pet." He cried into your crown, pressing gentle kissed to your hair and face at an uncomfortable angle. He didn't want to hurt you, but he needed to thank you for this moment. It was everything he had always dreamed of and so much more, "Thank you for her. Thank you."

-

It had taken Harry three weeks to call Indie her name, having a habit of referring to the newborn as 'his little angel'. You didn't mind the title, but hearing her name on the tip of his tongue made you weak. He had taken great to becoming a father, like you knew he would. You had never had any doubts about just how unconditionally Harry would love your little human. He was up with you during every feed, changing all the diapers until you were healed enough to bare standing at the change table for long stretches.

He bought only the best for his Indie too. Her nighttime routine was prepped with high end vegan moisturizers and ointments. Her diapers were made of organic, non toxic, vegan materials. He didn't care for prices, only quality. Harry was as relatively humble man. He never talked about wealth or thought it as anything valuable, but he also, despite what it seems, didn't splurge on high end products often. He had his limits and boundaries, but his money was used wisely and not thrown away on material. He refused to let Indie soak in a cheap diaper though, even when you assured him that most diapers were exceptionally made and there was no need to spend a few hundred dollars every month.

It didn't take long for Indie to form more defined features, one being her insanely bright blue eyes and thin strands of soft blonde hair. You weren't quite sure where your baby girl came from to be honest, seeing as your eyes weren't near the same shade of color as hers nor were Harry's. Her hair was ungodly as well. Almost like your favorite disney film, her locks were strikingly golden. It had only taken a month before you caught Harry above her crib, whispering a fond, "Good morning, golden girl."

Golden had been her name since that dewy spring morning. You couldn't see her as anything but, adoring the nickname Harry had brought upon the three of you. It was odd when you had family visiting and they would refer to your precious Golden as Indie.

It was just after two am when the shrill screams of your infant severed the sleep you and Harry were catching up on. His arm was thrown around your waist, and for a minute neither one of you moved. She was going through a growth spurt meaning the usually laid back baby you shared a house with was needy and desperate for her fathers attention and your satin milk. It was hard to give her what she wanted at times. You knew she was hungry, but she didn't want to leave Harry's arms.

That had happened just the other day. With the luck you were working on, you had forgotten to pack away another pre-made bottle. She was eating so frequently you hadn't had the need to pump, but that decision came back to bite you when she woke up from her nap hungry and only wanting her daddy. You both had eventually figured out a way to please her, but it had been frustrating and stressful on the three of you alike. It was safe to say you were always on top of bottles now.

When Harry finally did pull away from your warmth, he kissed your temple before feeling the room, not before you heard the last of his mutter, "I'm coming, Goldie."

You were sure your heart exploded in that moment. When you saw him again, this time with a squirmy baby impatiently suckling on the nipple of a pacifier, tears were gathering in your eyes. You smiled widely down at your little love, affectionately stroking her cheek. You settle her against your chest, wincing when she latches, but relaxing when her sucks become rhythmic and predictable.

In the darkness Harry couldn't make out your teary smile, instead just moving around the master and preparing another diaper for Goldie, having felt the wet one when he picked her up from the crib moments ago. He could hear you praising the baby for doing such a good job, promising that it was okay if she woke up every thirty minutes, but what caught him off guard was when you brushed your thumb over her cheek and whispered, "Look just as pretty as your Daddy, Goldie."

"Y'heard that, huh?" He stuttered. He knew you weren't too fond of the first few nicknames he had given Goldie, and he was almost fearful that you would reject his shortened version of Golden.

You rolled your eyes softly at his question, patting a patterned on your baby girl's diapered bottom as she nursed with sleepy eyes. "I think it's cute, fits her."

Harry smiled widely at the pair of you, the dim moonlight capturing the perfect moment in his memory. His love for you and Goldie somehow got deeper every day. He never wanted to leave this stripped down midnight moment. This perfectly golden moment.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 32

💖 first time reader click here 💖

Summary: Stephen Strange being a grown-up. Reader being a grown-up. Kind of. Revenge plot starts now - don't be like the mercenary, don't threaten reader's family. Avengers being good.. bros? Good found family idk. More smut + plot coming soon.

The silence hung awkwardly over us. Stephen wasn't the one to wax poetics, usually, and I wasn't in the mood to do anything but curl up somewhere warm, chug a bottle of liquor and fall asleep. Sleep is like death without the committment and after my little outburst, I inwardly prayed and begged for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Instead, I was directed to sit and drink my tea by the sorcerer, who, by the way, was beginning to look like a kicked puppy.

It was starting to become unbearable. "I'm listening," I finally croaked out, shocked at how raspy my voice sounded. As if someone had forced me to choke on some nails - and I felt like it, too. My hands were shaking, all but spilling the hot tea onto them.

"Princess..." His mouth did the thing when he was worried, lips pursed, their corners upturned. "What we did was not... Right, you were drugged without your consent. I am sure Tony feels the same way."

My eyebrows rose, words bubbling up to the surface as I fought the urge to simply start calling Stephen some strong names. Had he been blind the whole time I flirted with him, had he not seen both me and Tony ogling him when we thought nobody could see? Every time I joked about the sexual tension between them - you know what they say, every joke has a little bit of truth in it.

Or maybe the sorcerer had used the incident as a convenient excuse for our little fuck-fest to be a one-time thing? I expected more, I won't lie, but I wouldn't put it above him. I knew all too well that some men tended to simply... Avoid.

I was angry, probably rightfully so, but it was not the time for me to comfort an adult man. My own life was going to shit, I had no mental energy to unburden his baseless guilt. It was selfish and it made me feel even more like shit, but it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside of me. I just didn't care about someone's heartbreak. I needed to solve another problem, a much bigger than a man that couldn't make up his mind.

I had to find that damn mercenary. It was the only real threat hanging over our heads; unlike any mission that I've seen the team go on before, they had thrown all the forces into catching the man that had gotten into their safe space, their home. That threatened to take what they thought as theirs. Long gone were the days of comfortable domesticity.

"Okay," I replied, nodding curtly. "I wanted it, if it helps any. I thought you were attractive the first day I saw you." I spoke bluntly, beginning to feel like myself more and more with each word that I spoke. "And again, no strings have to be attached. I'm sure Tony will understand it too, it's not his first rodeo."

Stephen's head shot up from where he was examining his clasped hands, to study me with furrowed brows. Cloaky moved where it was wrapped around me, attracting the sorcerer's attention - I, unfortunately, did not understand the Cloak's sign language and what it told Stephen remained a mystery to me. I was just delighted to be out of the cold and and wet clothes.

"I think you misunderstood me," Stephen eyed me with surprise. "I want more, but..." He trailed off, unsure. "I don't know. I'm surprised Banner hasn't gone green on me yet. I'm a doctor, I should have known..."

So, he was pulling a me and wallowing in pity. Is this really how pathetic I looked when I used to mope around the house earlier? No wonder my mother thinks I'm a baby. "Stephen, I'm really not in the mood to listen to bullshit. I wanted it, you wanted it, great, we can move on. Because with everything that has happened to me, I really have no energy to convince you I like you even while sober when you're sabotaging yourself." Sure, I might have ripped off the motivational speech from a self-help book my mother used to have laying around. My patience was wearing thinner with each second. "There, I said it. I like you, my boyfriends like you, you're welcome to the club if you decide to believe the fact that I am telling the truth." And if he wouldn't, well, I could get over it. I was planning to never act upon my feelings for both Tony and Bruce, it hadn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Especially with me being busy enough to just ignore the feelings.

At some point, I had grown attached to Stephen. Perhaps, if I and Tony hadn't decided to mess around with the sorcerer at the party, my feelings wouldn't have bloomed into anything more than physical attraction. Murphy's law had a particularly strong affinity on me, I noticed, because over and over I found myself falling head over heels for emotionally unavailable men. It worked out with Tony, which wasn't as surprising as one might expect, considering we're two halves of a whole idiot, but then Bruce also decided to pucker up - Stephen was bound to be the rock that I trip on.

Or not? Soft lips pressed against my forehead, beard hair softly tickling the tip of my nose. I was pressed against a solid chest, surrounded by warmth and comfort. "I'm sorry, I'm an idiot," Steph whispered, voice quivering.

"Well, it's not like this... Relationship... I've got going on is something commonplace," My arms wrapped around him, a deep sigh relaxing my body into his. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. It wasn't right."

Stephen chuckled, all but pulling me bodily into his lap. "Don't worry, Princess. I deserved it." As he spoke, the Cloak carefully unwrapped itself from me, drifting away with a parting pat on my back. "Now what happened with your parents?" Large palms pushed the hair out of my face, stormy blue eyes looking at me with worry.

"I should probably assemble all my significant others for this conversation," There was little enthusiasm in discussing the incident. I was an adult and had enough money to get by for a few months, at least until I could patent one of my inventions. I had plenty of knick-knacks that should be able to interest buyers, that much I knew, and while the legal side of the process was a blank slate to me, I knew I could be charismatic enough to have someone work it out for me.

"I don't think I'll be able to take Steve seriously when he says 'assemble', now," My third boyfriend chuckled, which - wow, I didn't have boyfriends and now I had three? Should I be considering opening a factory or something? Stephen adjusted his hold on me. "Let's go, I'll portal us in."

"My car's out there with all my stuff. I'll have to drive," I protested but made no move to get out of his lap.

"Tony is a billionaire, he can pay someone to retrieve it," Shrugging carelessly, he produced a golden circle of magic, the common room couch in plain sight at the other side of it. I heard voices and then Clint's head peaked through, a curiously tilted eyebrow morphing into full fledged face of confusion upon seeing the two of us.

Yikes. I had forgotten about the state of my dress and the bruise on my cheek. "Hey, bird. I need a drink," I said the first thing that popped into my mind, causing both Clint and Steph to laugh as the sorcerer carried me into the tower through the portal.

"I'm starting to think you go out there and look for trouble on purpose," The archer sighed, pulling out his phone and texting rapidly. Mine vibrated, too, once he was done, which meant he'd called for a family meeting. Blergh.

In no time, Tony appeared, dark circles under his eyes and yesterday's shirt on, towing a worried Bruce behind him. One after the other, the Avengers tickled in, looking restless and exhausted. Loki's frown was well on its way to becoming a full sneer.

"Talk, please," He requested, eyeing me with concern.

"Good news is I got our rogue wizard back," I poked Stephen in the chest. He was blushing. "Bad news is my mother threw me out and my father didn't pick up the phone, so technically I'm homeless and parent-less," I decided that spitting out straight facts was the easiest way to go about it. I mean, there was no good way to tell what I just told them.

The storm that I anticipated didn't appear. Just a lot of disappointed sighs all around, especially from Tony, who looked twenty years older after I'd confessed to the current state of my affairs. "You're not homeless, you live here," He pointed out, rubbing his face and muttering some very strong words under his nose. Particularly, the expressions involved my mother and various methods of fornication.

"We got your back, doll," Bucky nodded, coming over to wrap me in a gentle hug. He was like a brother from another mother to me at this point, kind and goofy and sensible. "I would propose to teaching that harpy a lesson but I think she's beyond it."

"Perhaps it's for the best," Loki mused suddenly. "If I recall correctly, your mother was against your career of choice, which is idiotic. Science is a noble and prospective path." The Asgardian, too, gave me a hug.

I wasn't crying! There were ninjas, in the vents, cutting onions! "Stop it guys, I'm gonna cry. I already look like shit!" The protest was silenced by Bruce's lips on mine, his tiny smile briefly covering my mouth with tenderness. After that, everybody somehow decided it was their job to try and make me cry; like a bad bitch, I resisted, but eventually broke and started sniffling when Tony began rambling about building me my own lab and Wanda offered to help me decorate my new apartment.

No matter how much my mind screamed at me to refuse, I forced that noise down. Fighting against myself, accepting help despite feeling unworthy of it - it was probably the hardest thing I've done in my whole life.

Bruce volunteered to carry my prone body to Tony's bedroom which was quickly becoming the master bedroom for the three of us - ever since the incident, both of my scientists stuck close to me whenever possible, aggressively cuddling me whenever they decided it was time to get some sleep. Which wasn't much these days, if I was being honest. Persuading Bruce to stay with me was a novelty - usually he didn't resist, but that time, I had to repeat myself multiple times that the team could handle business even without him being present.

I had my ulterior motives, of course. Tony and Stephen needed to talk. I only hoped their egos wouldn't clash without me to mediate - having two boyfriends start a fight wasn't something I wanted to experience. I had zero experience in those matters and had no idea how to manage all that. Are there handbooks for polyamorous relationships? I stuck a mental post-it note inside my brain to check it out.

I fell asleep with Bruce wrapped around me and woke up in the same position, having been too exhausted to move even in my sleep. Voices, rough and quiet, were the first thing I heard upon syncing my brain into a resemblance of a working order, instantly recognizing Stephen's deep baritone and Tony's teasing drawl.

"Expect either Reindeer Games or Kim Possible to come and terrify you," My engineer didn't sound particularly ecstatic. His voice came from somewhere around my feet; the hand wrapped around my ankle, thumb gently stroking the skin, must've been his.

"Duly noted," Stephen's reply was equally sarcastic, sounding a little closer. The warmth coming from my side was him. I could smell the faint spices that surrounded him, smell that I'd come to associate with the Sanctum.

Bruce snored away, not a care in the world.

My body, on the other hand, felt rested for what felt the first time in years. A pleasant ache in my muscles had me begrudgingly squirm out of Banner'd grasp, shamelessly pushing up into Stephen as I stretched with a juicy yawn. "What's poppin'?" I rubbed my eyes, finding the men awake looking at me with fond amusement.

"Just watching," Tony smiled, causing me to giggle at his accidental meme-ing. Was it even accidental? I refused to believe that a man well versed in IT was oblivious to meme culture.

Stephen, on the other hand... "We've discussed some things, wanted to talk to you too." His hand stroked my hair, face expression soft unlike anything I'd ever seen him have. "But you were sleeping. So cute."

Me, cute? There was a puddle of drool the size of a dollar bill on my pillow, I was pretty sure some of it had even gotten in Bruce's hair. Banner's sleep was quiet except for every five minutes when he'd let out a snore with a force somewhere between a Mack truck and a whale in mating season.

Cute, sure.

Bruce groaned, a tell-tale sign of him waking up. I met his eyes, brown, shiny, a narrow edge of green around his irises. Huh. Do I have three boyfriends or four?

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​@sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95 @gladiosamicitias

[bloodbitchwitch]

The Sparda Family's Pet

Chapter #01

It was another normal day for you. You woke up in your dingy old mattress and dust-covered room. You lived in an abandoned building so this was normal for you to say the least. You had been given away to an orphanage at birth but as soon as you turned 18, you were kicked out and was forced to live on your own accord. You had nowhere to go so you wandered around a bit and eventually came across the oh so lovely, almost falling apart building.

You yawn loudly and stretch your limbs then throw your legs off the bed to sit up slowly. The light from the window across from your bed, temporarily blinding you as you stand and start to make your way over to the small dresser where you stuffed all your belongings in, which wasn't much, just a few changes of clothes and some miscellaneous objects. You take out a new pair of clothes for the day, you wonder what and how you were going to eat today. You didn't have money and without that, you were either left with dumpster food or stealing whatever you could and you were definitely going with the latter. You continued your daily morning routine and once finished, you left your little and barely standing paradise and headed into town where you'd hopefully find breakfast.

While walking, you spotted a man in a leather jacket swiftly following quite an attractive young lady with brown hair and glasses. You hummed to yourself and continued on, barely even acknowledging that the man had some sort of robot arm. After walking quite a bit past the loud couple that were now yelling at each other from behind you and could be heard about a block away, you saw a few small rocks roll past your feet and abruptly stopped. Turning your head left, the direction the rocks came from, you found yourself peering into a dark alleyway that you had failed to notice before. You shuffled your feet a bit nervously because you knew that rocks didn't just go rolling themselves. Swallowing the spit in the back of your throat, you inched closer towards the alleyway. "Hello?" your better judgment being thrown out the window even though you knew you probably should have walked away and not looked back.

A small cough that echoed through the alleyway and a small boy walked into view. He looked hungry and scuffed up. His clothes were dingy and his skin had small cuts everywhere and dirt-caked his face. He had tears brewing in his eyes as he huffed lightly. "Please help me. I'm hungry and have nowhere to go..." You were heartbroken the second he said "hungry" and frowned lightly. You crouched down and got eye level with the boy and beckoned him to come closer. When he finally got close enough for you to reach out and grip his shoulders firmly but not enough to hurt the poor boy, you looked him over to make sure he wasn't hurt too badly and once finished your eyes returned to the boy's face which had contorted into some sort of monstrous-looking being. Your eyes went wide and you screamed loudly which alerted the couple down the block that you had passed. Your breathing quickened as you were face to face with the demon child that had grown a pair of sharp teeth and huge claws. The demon boy coiled his arm back and was getting ready to impale you with his sharp claws when suddenly the man in the dark coat jumped over you and the demon boy. Guns in hands while still in the air, he shot multiple rounds into the back of the demon head causing him to fall forward and nearly landing on you if the brunette from before hadn't pulled you into her chest before so. Blood poured out of the monstrous child's head and pooled at your feet. Your mouth had gone dry as you stared at the deformed and deceitful demon child.

The pretty lady brought her hand up to your face and blinded you by covering your eyes from the horrendous sight. "Nero! Was that really necessary? Right in front of this poor gal?!" The man, apparently called Nero, clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. "Well if I didn't then she wouldn't be standing there, would she? No. she'd be cabobbed onto the shit's arm and bleeding out." the man sassed the woman in front of him, not really upset or anything, it's just how their relationship kind of works.

While the two bickered, you could feel the creature's blood seep into the holes on the bottoms of your worn-out shoes. You cringed and panted, wanting nothing more than to get out of the bloodied alleyway. She tried to step backward, which only succeeded in getting the pair's attention. "Hey now Nero, we should probably get her outta here, she's probably scarred cause of your dumbass." and with that, she grabbed onto your hand with her other hand that wasn't shielding your vision from the gory sight in front of you and guided you away. When she deemed you both to be a safe distance away from the alley, she removed her hand from your face and smiled down at you. "Well aren't you a cute little thing." she snorted and grinned down at you. You blushed a bit and looked down at your blood-soaked shoes "Thank you..." you mumbled lightly and looked behind you to see how far away you were from the crime scene that just took place, only for you to see the man named Nero instead who was most likely intentionally blocking the view from you.

Nero stared down at you for a few seconds, taking in your appearance before huffing lightly and crossing his arms only to turn his head and look the other way. He sort of had a pink hue on his cheeks but you couldn't tell if he was blushing or if he had any kind of adrenaline rushing after that onslaught. You cleared your throat and began to speak. "Um....thank you for saving me back there. I almost became monster food." you then proceeded to give a small, nervous chuckle. The pair nodded and gave you a "No problem". You were about to say goodbye and go your separate ways until your stomach decided that now would be the perfect time to remind you of the reason you were out and about anyways. Your face began to turn a crimson color as they both chuckled at the sound of your stomach making gurgling noises. "Well, I see no reason to leave a pretty little thing such as yourself out on the streets and hungry. Hop on in the van and ill make ya a good ole breakfast that'll stop all that noise!" the pretty brunette exclaimed loudly and grabbed hold of your hand once again and dragged you into her van. "I'll even cook for ya for free since you're so darn cute!" she said in her raspy voice and gave another little snort. Your blush only seemed to darken at her words and you took a seat at one of the barstools by the kitchen area inside the van. "By the way Darlin, the name's Nico and that there is Nero." she pointed to the male who had killed the demon as he was taking a seat next to you on another bar stool. He looked over at you and gave a small smile and a nod before uttering a simple "Hey" which you returned. "It's nice to meet you both, my name is y/n" you gave both a small smile and continued "Thank you both for saving me".

While Nico was cooking and had most of your attention on her, Nero couldn't help himself but look you over again like he did outside. He found it attractive and after Kyrie broke up with him, claiming she was lesbian and started seeing some girl, he needed something to distract himself from the degrading thoughts he had about himself, claiming that he wasn't good enough for the woman he thought he'd marry. He licked his lips and took in your curves....or wait...curves? The more he looked at you, he could see just how hungry you truly were. You looked so small to him and compared to Nico, you were basically skin and bones. How long have you been in need of food? He also noticed all the holes and how dingy your clothes looked. He frowned and came to the conclusion that you were probably trying your hardest and living out in the streets. "Hey" he spoke up "You live around here?" you turned your attention to the white-haired male and pursed your lips. "Yeah, I live down the road. Two blocks away to be exact." Nero's eyebrows furrowed. "Nico and I just came that way. The only house that way is abandoned and falling apart". After hearing his words, your face turned red once more but not because you were shy but because you were embarrassed he now knew that you lived in some old and dusty building. He noticed that you looked upset at his words and mentally cringed at himself for being too blunt. "Hey there, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset... I just... I don't think you should have to live there is all." Nero then thought about his next words carefully and decided that any punishment he'd get out of this would be worth it. "I was thinking that if you wanted to, you could come live with my uncle, my father and I at my uncle's shop?" he peered down at you with what looked like puppy dog eyes and honestly, who were you kidding, it's not like you were going to say no anyways. You were hungry and living in poor conditions. "I... id be more than happy if you'd let me stay with you guys. I'll help around with your uncle's shop and make sure to pay you guys back in any way possible for letting me stay". Nero blushed at your words and felt his cock twitch in his jeans after hearing that you'd pay them back in any way possible. He bit his lip and looked away "yeah yeah whatever. We'll deal with all that when we get to the shop. While we're here though, do you have any belongings you want to pick up before we head out?" You shook your head no and finally turned your attention back to Nico who had just finished breakfast for everyone.

[buddha-in-disguise]

A full of fucking swearing long post about the shitstain that is Dominic Cummings. Plus where I can find them, at the end I will link fucking sources, just in case anyone wants to try and say otherwise.

Also, if you do start @ me over him, I'm blocking your fucking cunt of an arse. Clear enough?

Good. Then let's begin.

As a nation, we can be a fairly mild mannered lot. At least collectively. But as of now, the majority of Britons are a mass of anger. So much so, I've even agreed with pundits like Piers Fucking Morgan! That alone is distressing enough, but Dominic Cummings has pissed off just about everyone.

But first a little background on this heaping pile of shit.

Dominic Cummings was one of the main instigators of Leave Campaign in regards Brexit. Now for those who don't know or haven't cared until now, not only were they found to be in breach of the electoral law, Dominic himself was also found in contempt of Parliament when they tried to find out if Vote Leave used fake news to help achieve their goal.

To add to this, he took around 200k of subsidies from the EU for his properties. So a known lying fucking hypocrite.

Even before that, he was advisor to Gove, that spineless fucking weasel who has been out today spouting even more fucking bollocks over this. Funny that.

Don't think for a minute being Gove's Special Advisor meant Cummings was liked by others in the Tory Party. Cummings was pretty much despised by a lot in Government at the time. David 'Pig fucker' Cameron called him a career psychopath.

Fast forward to 2019. Cummings is now Special Advisor to another spineless fucking cunt known as the Prime Minister Boris Johnson. BJ was never in control. Anyone watching what was going on knew that the moment Cummings had Javid's one aide uncermoniously marched out of her job, using armed police no less.

Only problem was, he had no authority to do that.

But never fear, BJ decided to change the rules, so lo and behold, he didn't break any rules (seeing a pattern here yet?)

So fast forward to the last few days. Now newspapers were reporting that Dominic Cummings drove his COVID-19 symptomatic wife, with a 4 year old in the same enclosed vehicle, some 260 miles to his parents location in Durham.

Oh now comes the fun part, and why as a nation we are all beyond extremely miffed, and fucking pissed off!

The offical guidance was anyone in a household with someone displaying symptoms (tested or not) was to stay the fuck at home. There was one exception to this rule. One. Extreme risk to life.

So Cummings took the decision to go and drive for fucking childcare reasons.

A man with his wealth, privilege and even with family in fucking London, couldn't do it at his home, but had to drive (thus risking his own child because of viral load you're going to get in an enclosed vehicle), himself and others (because he had to stop. Tell me of anyone with a 4 year old in the car they wouldn't be stopping anywhere?)

So anyway, they take a fucking jolly jaunt up to his parents.

But hold on, a Minister recently resigned for breaking lockdown rules. So why in the ever loving fuck was Cummings not resigning or being fired?

I don't know what Cummings has on BJ, but I suspect it makes wanting to fuck a dead pig seem like child play. Because not only isn't he fired, good old Jolly BJ comes out and fully defends and supports his senior advisor (who is unelected as well, just to add salt to that wound).

So by following his fatherly instincts (the fucking laughable defence given, when BJ couldn't even say how many fucking kids he has) and acting with integrity, (someone please give these fucking morons a dictionary), Cummings was given a free pass.

And then a load of fucking MP's including cabinet ministers all piled in saying how great a father he is, how it was exceptional circumstances that made him do it, you're all overreacting you terrible ingrate you, blah, blah, more horse shit, blah!

So, now all of those families who actually followed the fucking rules, and did what the government said are now being told, oh sure. You could've attended the funeral of your loved ones. Gone halfway across country to get child care for your kids, and so on and so fucking forth.

So basically saying, hah the jokes on you.

A few grumbles came out from the odd Tory, who might not have grown a spine, but were looking less like jelly (jello) being nailed to the wall, and more like thick fucking custard. A little more substance to them, but still slopping around with no spine.

We have a bank holiday coming up, and unusually good weather forecast, because as every Brit knows, Bank Holidays are normally shit weather wise. And a lot of people saying, fuck me if Cummings can do this, so can we. And all pile into cars for days out as if nothing had changed! No masks, no social distancing. Zilch. Great innit.

No it fucking isn't! The virus doesn't take a holiday you fucking morons!

So back to the other mess. Cummings now gives a press conference in the fucking rose garden of No.10. Also likely in breach of the rules, but as we know, he really doesn't give a flying fuck about rules now does he.

First of all he was 30 minutes late (you would've been sanctioned , therefore getting no money, for weeks, probably months if on benefits and did the same thing thanks to this government). But he eventually rolls up, looking slightly less like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards, but still looking like a dogs arse. Actually sorry dogs, you don't deserve that comparison. I'm really sorry!!

Anyway, here he is, about to fill us with more bullshit.

The shit now isn't just hitting the fan. In the immortal words of Terry Pratchett, The Midden has now hit the Windmill.

Cummings is trying to explain why he did what he did, oh and now we have the added delight of him being caught going out to a location some 30 miles from the family home, which is another breach of the law!

He sat there, and said, the public aren't angry at me, they're angry because of how the media have reported it. Woe is me, they're making me out to be the bad guy in all this .... blah fucking boo hoo blah.

This was supposed to calm us down.

Dear reader.

It. Did. Not.

So journalist after journalist (Beth Rigby gave a fucking masterclass) actually didn't let him get away with it.

These weren't just questions or accusations. They threw proof at him! Despite the collective rage, it was glorious to see them do it. If this was when stocks were still in use in the town square, Cummings would've been covered in excrement and anything else to hand. That shit was blown back so fast, it was hard to keep up.

Anyway, without going into too much here, his excuses ranged from he didn't feel safe because of demos outside his home (unverified and strangely enough, no neighbours reporting any disturbances either. Funny that),

Then, having gone to great lengths to say he drove up to his parents to keep his kid safe, he explains the additional trip he got caught out on was taken to test his eyesight, which had been affected because of being unwell with Covid19.

So not only is it highly fucking illegal to drive while impaired (including if eyesight is impaired) in this country, you decided to take your wife and kid, who you wanted to protect, not for a little jaunt down the road, but on a 60 mile fucking round trip.

Oh, and he hadn't stopped on the 260 mile trip up there, but his kid needed a stop on the way home, so a less than 60 mile trip required a stop. Yeah. Strange how that works.

He still kept blaming the media. Still kept up the woe is me, it was exceptional circumstances, and so on. Must get sore lips there Cummings, with the amount of smoke you try to blow up peoples arses.

So, to end it all, he has flatly refused to resign. No need to even consider it. The public will be jolly good chaps in all of this and see my side of things.

No we won't, you motherfucking cunt!

So this morning, various people including Gove are still making excuses for this fucking shitstain.

I now wish Cummings is fired, but better yet, thrown out of our universe, so he can never ever be seen again. But I've seen more spine on a fucking snake that I have Boris Johnson, who is just as much to blame in all this.

Before I end, we also had an infamous Tweet from someone in the Civil Service, who knew they were torpedoing their career. I'm including a screen shot. It was taken down, but it was genuine. Whoever they were, you deserve all the applause and a fucking medal!

Oh and a few sources for this and the cuntface Cummings. But you know, just Google the fucker. You can find this and much more.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44856992

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47712040

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/aug/10/dominic-cummings-owns-farm-got-eu-subsidy

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/jun/18/david-cameron-dominic-cummings-career-psychopath

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/dominic-cummings-boris-johnson-cabinet-minister-aides-civil-service-sajid-javid-a9109836.html

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-52782913

[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-52553229

https://www.bbc.com/news/amp/uk-52792200

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-52793991

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/dominic-cummings-trip-county-durham-18306147

https://www.gov.uk/driving-eyesight-rules

[wherethegravelsthin]

whining about my mother beneath the cut

every few months I get thrown back in a mental hospital and it's been years since I last "quit" self harming, I don't even remember how I started again but I did. And every few days I get into a nasty fight with my parents with yelling and I usually end up self harming just from the sheer emotional overload and the entire time it happens all I'm thinking to myself is "I don't want this, I don't wanna do this, I don't wanna feel like this, I wish someone would just give me a hug" but my mom's response to whenever this happens is to tell me that she can't help me because she's "tried everything" and "has spent years trying everything" and "nothing works and I can't help you" and like I know that that's her way of saying that I need to be able to deal with my problems on my own. But also. It makes me feel like a lost cause.

Every day I wonder who's the real "bad person" in the relationship I have with my mom. Is it me or her? I can barely approach calling my family codependent even though we are, I don't have any friends outside of the family home, my mom sure doesn't have any friends, my dad definitely doesn't have any friends, we are a family of three that only has each other and it's suffocating me.

When I was a child I'd come home from school every day saying I was getting picked on and my mom would tell me I needed to "be like a turtle" and "grow a shell". Which now, at the age of 23 as opposed to 6, I rightfully recognize it as the most bananas-insulting thing you can say to your child who is going to school every day and coming home feeling drained and alone and exhausted. To this day she won't admit she did wrong. If I bring it up she's like "I thought I was doing the right thing at the time" or whatever. It's never an, "I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but it was wrong and I'm sorry". I like never get an apology out of my mom for anything.

I'm 23 years old and I can't lock my bedroom door at night for privacy without my mom knocking on the door and texting me being like "your cat wants to come in the room!!" and she'll get up and go to my door and try to open the locked door and it's like. Does it ever occur to you, mom, that I'm doing 23 year old things? Private 23 year old things that you don't need to fucking interrupt? But I have no privacy and I have no boundaries so, that's fucking that I guess

And I can't move out. I can't move out, because my parents made sure I got on social security, so I get a whopping $600 a month, (which I don't even get btw it goes to my parents), so I'm not allowed to make more than $1000 a month, or else I "won't get the $600 social security money" (read: my parents won't get the $600 social security money), and I've looked up studio apartments in my city and out of my city, more than once, and lemme tell you, even if I was getting that extra 600 bucks a month, it wouldn't be enough to cover living on my own for how much rent is. For a studio apartment. Because then I'd have to think about groceries, and laundry, and transportation -- I don't have a license (I wanted to get it when I was 16 but my parents said no not now and now I really don't want a license bc driving freaks me the fuck out and they're demanding I get one) and there's no public transit route that goes from my home to my job, and. Fuck.

I once wanted to go away for college when I was in college, I wanted to study abroad and go to Ireland, and my mom talked me down from it, saying "well what if something happened, what if one of the pets got sick, what if grandma got sick and you couldn't come home". When covid happened she brought it back up to me, even though Ireland hadn't been on my mind in a couple years at that point, saying "see this is why I didn't want you to study abroad because look at what's happening now". Ugh

The last time I was in this particular mental hospital that I'm at right now (this is my fourth stay) the counselors repeatedly brought up that we may benefit from some family therapy, and I brought this up to my mom when she visited me here and she started crying on the spot and she told me she never wanted this for me, she never wanted me to turn out like her, she wanted something better for me, etc. And family therapy did not happen then, and I doubt it'll happen now, because my mom is not the kind of person who can even stomach the idea that she could be wrong about anything. Especially not if it comes from me.

When JKR first came out as a transphobe I was telling my mother that it was Bad and she wouldn't believe me! She was tossing my words to the side. Thank god my half sister was in the car to tell her "No, she's right, what she's doing is really wrong and bigoted and awful" because she straight up wouldn't listen to me; but she'd believe my half sister telling her the same thing.

I can never tell my mom "let's not do this particular thing right now because I'm getting upset and I don't want to explode", I can never set that boundary, because she pushes it every time. She goes, "well we can't just put it off because then you'll never do it!" and I can try reiterating myself that I'm getting upset and I'm trying not to lose it and she keeps pressing until I explode like a volcano, I have all this lava running underneath me all the time and it just erupts sometimes. And the entire time I'm erupting all I can think about is how I don't wanna be doing this. And my mom has the audacity to say shit to me like "You're still a teenager" when I'm upset. I haven't been a teenager for four years. I'm an adult who has emotional regulation problems, which she doesn't fucking help with.

So I go into these mental hospitals and she tells me to focus on coping skills but honest to god all the coping skills in the world couldn't help me from having an eruption if she doesn't learn how to take "no" for an answer and respect my goddamn motherfucking boundaries for a change.

And I can't move out, and I can't make any more money, and I can't do anything to improve my situation. God. Is it any wonder I feel hopeless and depressed?