#that i'm taking to an ever sadder degree

[zmediaoutlet]

wincest + 7?

The second time Sam listened to the voicemail was at a gas station a hundred miles from the airport where they’d emergency-landed, on their way to Chuck to find out—whatever could be found out. Dean was gassing up their stolen car and Sam said he’d go in to get—coffee, food. Dean said sure without looking at him. The station was bright and the TV over the counter was playing footage from Ilchester. “Crazy, huh?” the clerk said, and Sam said that yeah, it was, and could he please get the key for the bathroom.

He sat on the toilet with the hem of his jeans soaking up something horribly wet and he tried not to breathe through his nose and he held his hand tight over his eyes and he listened to it again. Dean’s voice crackling and strange through the speaker, like he was ten thousand miles away instead of on the other side of the concrete wall. Freak, he said, and monster. Certain it was true.

Sam took a piss after all. When he came out with his hands washed and his face dry he filled up two cups with coffee and he grabbed a handful of granola bars and he stood at the counter behind a woman who was getting twenty on pump 3 and a pack of a cigarettes and who was staring frankly shocked up at the TV, like she hadn’t seen the world ending before. “What happened?” she said, bewildered. The clerk shrugged. She looked behind herself, at Sam, and Sam felt like he was bleeding somewhere essential but unreachable, like all his organs were splitting and his skin would go dark purple-black all over and people would know, at last, what he’d—what had—except that the woman didn’t say another thing and just shook her head and left, and the clerk rang Sam out without paying much attention, and he was disgorged into the warmish night like everything was—fine.

Dean was leaning on the side of the awful little car with his arms folded over his chest, looking at the ground. He glanced up when Sam walked closer and he looked at the coffee cups and at Sam’s knees and his eyes skittered over Sam’s face without pausing. It was a long way to Ohio, he said. Sam didn’t bother to nod. He got into the passenger side and he set the coffees in the neat little pop-out beverage holders and he put on his seatbelt and he looked out the windshield, straight-ahead. Dean sat behind the wheel silent for five seconds before he turned over the inadequate engine and they drove east, unwilling to bear the radio.

The third time Sam listens to the voicemail is after he gets the job at Hoyt’s. At a motel close enough to be convenient but not obvious, the clerk tells him they only have king rooms left. “Hope that’s okay,” he says. It is, Sam says.

It isn’t because the bed is too large and the room is too empty and he stands with his back to the door for almost a minute, which he knows only because the old clock on the bedside snaps to 03:47 while he’s staring at nothing. He’s supposed to be at the new job at 5:00 and doesn’t have time for this.

He sets salt at the windows and door and he bleeds himself just enough to set the sigils a demon taught him at the corners of the room where it will matter and then he takes a shower, as hot as he can stand it, wanting to be skinned and boiled clean and have every rancid rotting part of himself picked away from the frame of his bones and then stitched up right. To be other than what he is. But that isn’t on offer, so he washes his hair and shaves and dresses in clothes without bloodstains and laces his sneakers tight and then sits on the end of the bed, sorting out the wallet for ‘Keith’. Thirty-two bucks and a license he made yesterday at a Staples and a very small very stupid keepsake that he should not have, a business card for FBI Agent D. Nugent, with a number Sam knows will ring to places he isn’t welcome, but against all logic he takes his phone out of his pocket, anyway, because—

Why? He holds his phone in both hands and looks at the carpet fibers, the toes of his shoes. Because they were meant to know where the other was. Because without even a vague idea—state, city, motel—some anchor was missing from the world. But, with what Sam has done, that anchoring chain has snapped, and he doesn’t know, now, where Dean is. Could call Bobby, but perhaps Bobby doesn’t know, either, and worse: what if Bobby doesn’t answer, or if he does answer, what if he won’t tell Sam, for any number of reasons that Sam deserves to have stacked around his heart, ready to scorch the whole thing to cinders.

His stupid heart. Aching, still. Not the fierce stinging pain of a gunshot but as solid and unrelenting an agony as from a broken bone, some fundamental error that will take months to heal. Or it won’t. The king bed’s a joke. The last king bed was almost a year ago, when Dean was back from hell and things weren’t yet as awful as they could be and they’d split a bottle of decent bourbon and Dean had told Sam, laughing, that his jokes were terrible, that he was actually the least funny person on this or any planet, and Sam had propped himself over Dean and dragged his thumb over Dean’s grin and said, yeah, sure, and you’re Mel Brooks, and Dean had promptly said it’s good to be the king, and hitched his thigh over Sam’s hip, and it had been—not perfect, but as close maybe as either of them could ever get, as close to heaven as Sam had ever had a hope for, and Sam’s chest throbs like every single rib has separated from the sternum. Some essential protection lost.

He listens to the voicemail. Dean says there’s no going back.

Sam deletes the message. He rubs his fingertips over his lips and scrubs away ghosts. He texts Bobby, Great Plains Motel, Garber OK, and then turns off the phone so he can’t know if there’s a response. He has work to get to. What passes for a life, after that.

[rogersideup]

｡°✩ ♊︎ The Gemini♊︎ ✩ °｡

Chapter 5:

Rearview

Series Masterlist

Previous part: Pink Peonies Next Part: Little Birdie

Word Count: 6,610

Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Mentions and descriptions of sexual acts, anxiety, and sever depression.

Gentle knocks barely caught Bucky's attention from his spot on the couch in his apartment. All the lights were off, and it was quickly nearing bedtime as a show played a little louder than it probably should.

He thought he was hearing things until it happened again, this time he got up and looked through the peephole in his front door. To his surprise you were standing there.

The door swung open with a sense of urgency and Bucky on the other side. His eyes were immediately soft and concerned, his posture relaxed as he leaned onto the doorframe.

"Bug, what happened to you?" He questioned sounding sounding worried as he took in your appearance.

Comfortable work out shorts and a hoodie was pretty much all you wore during your time off of work in the building that always seemed to be air conditioned to a temperature a few degrees below your comfortability, but this time your hair was thrown up in a messy bun, your cheeks pink and your eyes and nose red, but the main point of concern was your arm in a sling.

Bucky had been way better at respecting your boundaries and giving you the space you needed to heal more than anyone else in your life at the moment, and right now, you just really needed a friend. You had some reluctant confidence that he would be willing to listen to you, maybe even give you a hug if you were lucky, and you were also reluctantly confident in your ability to forgive him at this point.

"Hey, I'm really sorry to bother you but I was just hoping you had a few minutes to talk about what happened today?" You pitched.

Bucky was admittedly taken back by your appearance. Your mental health was taking a toll on you, and it was becoming evident. Even since he last saw you a week ago at your evaluation, you looked sadder, frailer, and smaller.

His hand latched onto the upper arm that wasn't in a sling and he gave it a gentle squeeze as he stepped into the hallway, letting his door close behind him.

"Tell me about it" he nodded.

"Um, Harvey yanked my arm back and trapped me against the wall in the hallway earlier today. He dislocated my shoulder" You admitted with a big deep breath, really trying to keep your composure. "I went to the med bay, they popped it back in place but suggested I rest it and take it easy for a few days, hence the sling."

"Oh you poor thing, that sounds painful." Bucky's eyebrows furrowed. "Are you okay?"

You let out a sad chuckle. "No, I'm not." The admission slipped past your lips for the first time ever.

"M'sorry" Bucky sunk into himself.

"Right after it happened I went to training with Steve, it didn't go well." You explained. "He got mad that I was late, and he really wasn't interested in hearing about what made me late or why I was clutching my shoulder and crying. He grabbed my arms and pulled them behind my back then tied my wrists together. The doctor thinks it wasn't completely dislocated until I had to get myself out of the rope. He gave me pain killers and a pretty strong dose of Xanax to calm me down from the panic attack I was having because of him."

"Steve did that to you?" Bucky questioned quietly in disbelief. "I can't believe he did that."

"I don't think he meant to, but whether it was his intention or not, it happened and the bridge has been burned." You gently nodded. "I couldn't believe it either."

"I don't know what to say." Bucky shook his head sadly.

It was evident that Bucky was stuck between a rock and a hard place in this situation. He kept doing what he thought was right, but he still felt immense guilt that his friends were hurting as a result of it.

"You don't need to say anything." You reassured him. "Rogers made it clear that he's not my boss anymore, and Commander Bennett is sleeping so I figured you'd be next in line as a higher up to make informed that I can't report for duty for a minimum of 24 hours because I'm under the influence of benzodiazepines. It's noted in my medical chart."

"Okay, you rest up and I'll make sure to tell him in the morning." Bucky noted. "How are you feeling right now?"

"A little out of it, but the pain isn't nearly as bad so that's all I could've ever hoped for."

"Mental or physical?"

"Both." You admitted. "I'm sure I'll be feeling a lot worse tomorrow, but I'll leave that to be a problem for myself in the future."

"Steve mentioned to me that you quit the rest of training with him, is this why?" Bucky questioned hesitantly.

"Yeah, it is." You sadly confessed. "Ever since the initial fight, seeing him every day has been pretty hard. After today I realized I really need to prioritize my health before being a good agent. I can't go out and fight on a battlefield if I can barely get out of bed anymore. Plus with my shoulder I can't do strenuous physical activity for a week, and after that there would only be one more week of training left so it would be pretty useless."

"Prioritizing your health is important to being a good agent." Bucky reminded you. "Although it makes me sad to hear, I hope you know I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself to anyone that's causing you pain."

"Thanks." You crossed your arm close to your body, chickening out on the conversation you initially came for.

You weren't stupid, you knew there was a reason why he wasn't inviting you into his place, and that reason was either Natasha or Steve. Either way, you didn't want to interrupt.

An awkward silence fell over the two of you, and it made your skin crawl. Both of you were far too wrapped up in your own heads just trying to find the right thing to say to each other, but the words never appeared, so you put an end to it.

"oh...and uh thanks for handling Commander Bennett in the morning. It'll be nice to sleep in and not have to worry about waking up early."

"Does he know you're going to quit training? I can tell him about that too."

"He doesn't, but that's not in his jurisdiction anymore so it's fine."

"Got it." Bucky nodded.

"See you around." You awkwardly lifted your hand in an attempts to wave and walk off.

"Hey, would it be okay if I checked on you tomorrow?" Bucky asked. "It's okay if you're not ready for that yet, but I still worry about you a lot. I just want to make sure you're doing okay."

"Yeah, that's fine. You can stop by whenever." You agreed.

"Thanks" Bucky accepted sadly. Then, what he really wanted to say rolled off his tongue unapologetically. "I really miss you, Bug."

"I miss you too." You agreed, the pain you've become rather familiar but never comfortable with was clawing at your chest again. "A lot, actually. But I don't see a situation in which Steve would be okay with us hanging out again, and I know how important your friendship is with each other and I'd never want to be the one to drive a wedge into that."

"I hope you don't take this as me defending him, because I'm not. I promise I'm not." Bucky started. "But I've known him my whole life, I'd like to think I have a good read of his character, and this is nothing like him. He said some really dumb things to you, but bug? I've never seen him this upset with himself in my entire life."

"I don't think there's anything I can do about that." You shook your head. "He's in your place right now, isn't he?

"Yeah, he is." Bucky told you the truth. "He told me about what happened today, he cried for the first time in a few years because he feels terrible about it and how he made you feel."

You swallowed thickly. "That's not an apology for his behavior."

"It's not, but I'm trying to help you understand each other better. If I can attest to anything, it's that you found out about his crush on you at the worst time imaginable. He loves and cares about you so much, and none of it is ill intended. The reason he kept it in for so long was because he was scared of exactly this situation happening, and he's mortified that he broke your friendship and trust in him. Yes, he's been avoiding talking about it because he was hurt by what we did, but now I think he understands and he's avoiding it because he thinks you hate him."

"I don't hate him" You denied. "I'm mad at the way he's handling this, but I don't hate him."

"I know" Bucky nodded.

"He was really angry when I got to training." You told Bucky. "I've never been scared of him before, but I was terrified of him today. I don't know what he was mad about, but I think it was because I was late. I was only late because Harvey was being an asshole, but Steve told me pointedly that he didn't care."

"He was mad at himself, and it was making him grumpy. He's been like this for a week now."

"I don't know how to move past the way he made me feel earlier. It's like I'm scared to see him again because I'm scared that he's still going to scare me." You explained. "It was like there was no traces of my friend left in there, it felt like he was Captain America, and I was the enemy, and there was no mercy for whatever I did to make him mad."

Bucky sighed because he's seen Steve that angry before, and he knew how scary he really can get. He's a tall, muscular guy, and you're barely five-foot-something with far less fighting experience.

"He would never hurt you" Bucky reminded you. "He knows he scared you, and he's having a breakdown because of it."

"He did hurt me, Buck. In more ways than one." You reminded him. "I love him, I really do, but I'm not responsible for his reaction to the way he hurt me. He scared me, he berated me, and he broke my heart but that's his own doing, and he has to deal with the consequences of that just how I have to deal with the consequences of what happened between you and I and how that made Steve feel."

"I get it." He agreed.

"I'm glad that you two seem to be on okay terms, but you understand how that's bullshit, right?"

"Yeah." Bucky practically whispered.

"Well, for what it's worth I'm sorry you're in the position of being stuck in the middle." You apologized. "I love you, I forgive you for telling Steve because I understand why you did it, and I'll always be here for you if you need me, but I also know I can't be the priority."

"Bug, that's not-"

"It's fine, I get it." You saved him from his own lie. "If he's already struggling, are you going to tell him about my shoulder?"

"I don't know." Bucky sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Should I?"

You shrugged with your one good arm. "You know him better than I ever will."

"Do you want to talk to him?" Bucky asked already knowing the answer, but he had to give it a shot.

"Not tonight." You denied. "If he wants to talk about it he can come to me, but right now I'm a little high on crazy pills and pain killers so I'd rather wait until I have more time to get into my right mind."

"I understand."

"Thanks for listening, it was really nice seeing you again." You said sincerely.

"Thank you for trusting me. Can I give you a hug?" He asked knowing you needed one desperately.

You nodded and opened your good arm for him, he hugged you gently to avoid hurting you, but it was still healing in a way you haven't felt in a while.

"Don't be a stranger, okay? We can talk more about it whenever you need to in order to make it better. I love you bug, I still want to be your friend and I know we can make it work."

"I appreciate it." You nodded.

"Do you need help getting back to your apartment? I can walk you home."

"I'll be okay." You reassured him. "Have a good night, I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

Tomorrow came around, and Bucky did eventually come check on you. He found you in bed around 4pm fast asleep with a romcom playing quietly in the background. It made him

Sad to wake you up, but he did it anyways just to make sure you were okay and that you didn't need anything, and once he was convinced that you were okay he left you alone.

Then, that was the last anyone had seen you for 4 whole days. Was it your intention to stay in your apartment for that long? No. But things happen, mental health quickly spirals, and your body felt sick. It was like there was an external force locking you in the walls of your home, and imaginary restraints tying you to your bed.

You were scared to leave because you didn't want to get attacked again, scared to report to work because you didn't want to see Harvey or Steve again, and you were scared to move because you were so tired of being in pain. So yeah, your apartment became your little safe space, but you never realized you were the point of concern around the building.

Especially not so much that you woke up once more, but this time Steve was sitting on the edge of your bed looking absolutely terrified as he gently shook your arm.

"Hey, are you okay?" Steve asked the second your eyes opened, eyebrows pinching together in concern.

You grumbled something he couldn't understand before turning away and covering your entire head with a blanket.

"Wait, stop, I'm not joking. Are you okay?" Steve asked, this time you could hear the genuine worry in his voice.

"Why are you here?" You asked with an adorable glare as your head popped out of the blanket. “What part of leaving me the hell alone do you not understand?”

He hated that it almost made him smile. "No one has seen or heard from you in 4 days. We got so many concerned reports of your disappearance that they made me to a mandated wellness check."

"Obviously I'm well, you can go now." You wrapped yourself tighter in the blankets and turned away from him again.

"You're not obviously well. It's 2pm and you're in bed, you haven't answered anyone's texts or phone calls, and you were supposed to report to Fury today to see if you were okay enough to get back to work. Everyone is worried."

"I'm fine."

"You're watching pride and prejudice." Steve noted simply. "You're not fine."

"Tell Fury I'll report to him in an hour."

"Fury is gone for a while, I think he's out until the end of the month." Steve explained.

"Commander Bennett, then."

"Out of jurisdiction" he reminded you. "That's why Fury sent me."

"Then who can I talk to in an hour?"

"Me." Steve sighed, knowing that's not what you wanted to hear.

"Do you have a meeting spot available in an hour?"

"No, my schedule is full for the rest of the day."

"Tomorrow?"

"Dude, I'm here right now. What's wrong?" Steve asked, his heart pounding and cracking in his chest.

"What time you you have available tomorrow?"

"8am." Steve said simply.

"Fine. I'll take it." You agreed, closing you eyes and trying your best to pretend like this wasn't happening.

"I'm not allowed to leave until I'm convinced you're okay." Steve noted. "Are you sure you don't want to push the meeting up to right now?"

"Positive." You grumbled. "Sometimes when heavy conversations are sprung on someone with no time to prepare for them, it leads to overly emotional responses. Ever heard of something like that happening before, Rogers?"

"Maybe once or twice." He made the active choice to not bite at the argumentative bait you threw him. "How's your shoulder?"

"Attached and functioning."

"When was your last full meal?"

Once again, you turned your head to glare at him. "If I answer these stupid questions does that mean you'll get out of my apartment and go back to pretending like I don't exist?"

"This is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for you" Steve told you. Really, seeing you look so broken down and worn out made him genuinely sad, but right now you weren't looking for his pity. Quite honestly, he was worried about how you would react to him if he expressed how concerned he really was.

Now with knowing what you knew, Steve was at least smart enough to know that if he reacted to this scenario as a coworker, or a boss, or even a friend, all of his concern would be directed straight to the romantic advancement category of your brain. He knew that he always would and always will care for you regardless of if you rejected his feelings for you or not, but in this situation where that information was taken horribly wrong, the best thing he could do was stay neutral and respect that you didn't want to be part of his life anymore.

You didn't want him to care, you didn't want him to be there, you didn't want to get out of bed, and you didn't even want anyone to notice you were gone for so long.

Yet, somehow on the very flip side of the coin, you were mad at him for not expressing that he was more worried about you than he was letting on, you wanted him to just stay with you and fight for a spot back in your life, you wanted to just get out of your congested apartment and breathe some air that wasn't from the buildings circulation system, you wanted to go on a long run and feel the cold morning air, and you wanted the same people who reported you as missing in action to care enough about your existence to actually be nice to you beyond a mandated report.

But really, you just couldn't get yourself to do anything.

Leaving was overwhelming, staying made you want to cry, and there was no solution in between those two options.

"Hey, did I lose you?" Steve asked.

"No. Sorry." You shook your head.

"When was the last time you ate?" He repeated.

"Dinner last night." You grumbled. "I would've lied and said I ate lunch today, but your bullshit detector is almost unfair and I think anything but the truth would make you even more worried."

"At least you're honest." Steve sighed. "Last time you drank?"

"This morning"

"Water?"

"Coffee."

Steve frowned. "Last time you left your apartment?"

"I saw Bucky after I got released from medical, whenever that day was."

"Last time you went outside? Had fun? Hung out with a friend? Anything?"

"I played The Sims 4 yesterday, it was riveting." You said dryly.

"Any future plans you're looking forward to? Something? Anything? Literally just give me anything to work with."

"Ooh!" You perked up. "There's a new sim's expansion pack coming out next week it costs $40 but it's okay because if you break down the cost per hour you play it, it really is cents to a dollar."

"Oh my gosh" Steve sighed, running his hand through his hair and tugging at the ends a big trying to relive the stress you had caused him. "I can't in good conscience say you passed a wellness check."

"I'm trying my best dude, this is all I got. I don't know what else you want from me." You huffed.

You watched Steve's eyebrows furrow in concern as he checked his wrist watch for the time. "Okay, here's the deal."

"If this ends with me in grippy socks and a gown I'm going to be so undeniably pissed off at you."

"You're already undeniably pissed off at me so that's not very threatening, but, no I don't think you need that at this very moment." Steve corrected you. "I have 45 minutes until I have to get to a meeting. If you can pull yourself together and leave your apartment to go get food and do something fun, then check back in with me in a few hours, I'll mark you as well."

"That sounds like a lot of money and effort." You complained.

Steve sighed and pulled his wallet out of the pocket of his nice jeans, then handed you a card between his two fingers. "Take the company card, I'll mark the charges as a business expense."

Only then did your face light up, and you happily grabbed the heavy silver card from his hand. "I think I can work with this."

"The rules are that I need cold hard proof you ate and did at least one activity that'll make you feel better, I don't care what that is. And I need the card back by the end of the day, no ifs ands or buts."

"Deal."

"Okay great, you have 44 minutes now to get out of the building." Steve reminded you.

"Are you really going to stay until I leave?" You questioned, tone full of annoyance and dread.

"Yeah, that's part of the deal."

"Ugh, fine." You ripped the blankets off of yourself. "Can you at least go into the living room so I can shower and change in peace?"

"As you wish" Steve stood up and raised his hands in defense. "But don't make me late, you know I hate being late."

"How could I ever forget?" You rolled your eyes.

More bait that Steve refused to bite, so he quietly walked out of your room and softly closed the door behind him. Sitting on the couch and waiting, half an hour later you flew through your bedroom door and didn't miss a single beat as you flew through the living room and grabbed your purse off the rack.

"Come on, Captain, i'd hate it if you were late under any circumstance!" You said sarcastically, pulling open the front door as he shot up off the couch. "Even if it was completely out of your control!"

"I'm choosing to not respond to that" Steve grumbled, following you out and down the hall with confidence your door would automatically lock as it slammed shut behind the two of you.

Calling the elevator did nothing to slow either of you down as the doors automatically opened, and you shoved yourself into the furthest corner you could, trying your hardest to ignore your racing heart and internal panic over being forced out of the compound. He could read the anxiety on your facial expressions, and feel it radiating off of you as if you were telepathically sending it to him.

You hit the lobby button, Steve hit the floor his office was on.

Since his floor was above the lobby, the doors opened once more and it was his turn to get off. "Have fun, be safe, give me the card back today."

"Wait? When was I supposed to give it back to you?" You made one last sarcastic jab before the doors closed, completely shielding you from his annoyed face.

As per his request, you got food, spent more than a few hours and a few hundred at a beauty salon, made a quick stop home before Steve texted you that he was out of his last meeting.

So you made a leisurely walk over to his office, and knocked twice before entering. He looked tired and more than ready to turn in work for the day as he straightened out the haphazard papers and various sticky notes on his desk.

"That pothos is looking a bit sad." You noted, leaning in the doorway.

The once happy plant with bright green leaves with tiny cream colored patches was now droopy and under watered.

"It's not sad, it's just dramatic when it needs some water. I watered it a few minutes ago, it'll perk up again soon" He explained, looking at the plant, then up to you. "Oh, you got your hair done."

Your hair was now perfectly styled, cut a little shorter, and was a little lighter throughout the ends. Steve also noticed your casual street ware was replaced with your favorite sweatpants and a cropped t shirt. He once again cursed himself for thinking about how beautiful you were when he really should've still been mad at you.

"And my nails, and my eyebrows." You noted, holding up your hands for him to see. "Is this enough evidence?"

"I guess it is." He nodded. "What did you get to eat?"

"Dim sum" you admitted. "Here's the card."

It wasn't the cheapest option in the world, but every few weeks you and Steve would happily splurge and go get dim sum together because it was just so good. But hey, if you had the company card, you we're definitely going to fill your belly up with bao and dumplings.

"Thanks." He took it back from you. "Do you feel any better?"

"Yeah, maybe a little bit." You nodded. "But I am going to continue on with that meeting in the morning, oh, and definitely finish pride and prejudice."

"Would you like to have the meeting now? I'll stay late, I don't mind." He asked. Staying late was the last thing he wanted to do, but nothing would be worse than living with the anxiety that this unknown meeting was causing him.

"No it's fine, you seem tired." You denied. "And by the way, did you know the company card works on The Sims 4?! Now I'm even more excited for that new expansion pack because I didn't have to pay for it!"

He could tell you were still deeply sad and exhausted by your surroundings, but your fake enthusiasm wasn't helping him feel any less concerned by your state of being.

"Lovely. I'm happy for you." Steve said dryly.

"See you in the morning, Captain Rogers. 8 am, don't be late."

And just like that, you slipped past his office door. Steve wished it was physically possible to kick himself in that moment. He so desperately wanted to just talk to you, he wanted to explain himself, express to you that he loved and cared for you regardless of where the two of you stood, he wanted to be a good friend and be there for you through this very obvious rough patch, but he couldn't.

The words never properly formulated whenever he was within eyeshot of you, yet the second you left and when he would lay awake at night staring up at the dark ceiling unable to sleep, those words formed perfectly and passionately with no way to express them in a way you deserved to hear.

Just like always, he laid awake all night just for 8 am to come around. Promptly on time, you were back in his office.

As you took a seat in the very familiar chair across his desk, he noticed three things. The first being that you weren't in uniform, the second being that even though you looked beautiful, you no longer looked like yourself, and last but not least, the words escaped him again.

The concealer under your eyes did little to hide the fact that you had been crying, the blush on your cheeks didn't fool him into believing that the life hadn't been drained from your face. Your eyes were dull, your sweet and spunky personality that he loved so much had been missing for a month now. You were right in front of him, but you felt like a ghost and he found himself missing you.

"You're on time" Steve noted. "I stopped for a coffee this morning and grabbed you one too since you're the first meeting of my day."

Steve placed the perfectly ordered vanilla cold brew in front of you, "oh, thanks. I appreciate that."

"Will you please tell me what's going on now?" Steve practically begged. This very meeting had been looming over his head in a storm cloud of anxiety since yesterday.

Without saying anything, you handed him a piece of paper. He took it from your shaky hands with a dreadful look in his eye, so you sat and sipped your coffee and looked at the swirls in the wood of his beautifully stained desk while awaiting his reaction.

The first and only thing his eye picked up before he refused to read more was 'This letter is intended to notify you of my resignation in two weeks from S.H.I.E.L.D.'

"No." Steve said sternly before sliding your resignation letter right back to you.

"No?" You questioned.

"Absolutely not."

"I'm quitting and you're saying...no?" You cocked your head to the side, trying not to cry out of immediate frustration. "You understand that's probably illegal?"

"When have I ever been one to follow the law?" He asked rhetorically. "I can't let you throw everything you've worked so hard for away just because of me. Nuh-uh. Not going to happen."

"This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me." You corrected him.

"Why do you think this is the best choice for you right now?" Steve poked, trying his hardest to ignore the way his heart was sitting in the bottom of his stomach.

You braced yourself with a big breath, and accepted the presence of the never ending tears that always stung your eyes nowadays. "Being here has proven to be the worst experience for my mental health, and I need it to get better because I'm scared of what will happen to me if it doesn't."

"There are other things we can try before taking a step this drastic." Steve pleaded.

You shook your head in denial. "I can't get out of bed anymore."

"I'll get you a therapist."

"I've barely been able to eat, shower, work out." You continued painting the picture for him while quickly wiping away a tear. "This is the furthest I've ever been from myself. I look in the mirror and don't recognize my reflection, all i want to do is sleep so I don't have to deal with the constant state of anxiety I'm in just to wake up and hate that I feel numb. I've lost control over my own emotions and I can't take it anymore. We all saw this coming, Steve, so please just let me go."

"Harvey is literally one write up away from getting fire-"

"Four months ago, it had been 3 years since the last time I cried. Now I think I cry about three times a day, and sometimes I need to cry but nothing happens. It's like I'm losing my mind and I hate it."

"But..."

"I never took a day off or called out since I started shield until that one mission when Harvey made sure I got hurt. Ever since then I've been getting hurt more, working less, having to take days off left and right. At this rate, I'd rather go quietly before I get fired."

"Nobody is going to fire you." Steve denied.

"Even before everything happened, I haven't been happy here. My friends and my boyfriend were the only ones keeping me sane and tying me down to the compound, but now? I don't have a boyfriend or even friends for that matter. Everyone here hates me. Nothing is grounding me."

"Do you have another job lined up?" Steve sank in his chair.

"I'll figure it out."

"You know quitting means you'd lose your housing?" Steve challenged. "Do you have another living situation lined up?"

"Yeah, I have two places and two sets of people waiting for me."

You were being cryptic, but Steve knew you were talking about your Sister and Brother in-Law, and your Mom and Dad.

"But you haven't signed a lease yet?"

"No, not yet." You sniffled.

There was a break in conversation, Steve's wheels obviously moving and cranking desperately trying to come up with a solution. So you sat and dissociated from the situation while talking small and slow sips of your coffee.

"Okay, since I legally can't say no to you right now, here's what we're going to do." Steve sat up, and rolled his chair closer into the desk. "I'm putting you on a two week paid leave of absence instead. Take the two weeks to get out of the compound, stay with whoever is waiting for you and really focus on yourself. Really think about what you want, then at the end of the two weeks if you still think that you don't want to do this anymore, that's fine. I'll terminate your employment on the spot, no need for another notice."

"Okay" You accepted. Not only was it a good deal, but it got you out of the compound as soon as today, and all you wanted to do was run out of the doors and never come back.

He started typing around on his computer, and a piece of paper came out of the printer that jumped on. "In the meantime I also really want you to consider this." You grabbed the warm paper from his hands, and looked it over to see that it was the benefits list to the Avengers position. "You'd move up into the loft with the rest of us, you'd never have to see any of the other agents again if you didn't want to. The job is easier- not as busy with more downtime. Everyone loves you and wants you there, plus it would be an increase in pay with better benefits and a killer 401k."

"Everyone?" You asked, "I can think of two people that probably wouldn't want me there right now."

He gave you a disappointed dad stare. "Everyone, and I mean that."

"Much to think about." You mumbled.

"Since you'll be gone and out of harms way, I'm going to take the time to whip the boys into shape since they can't retaliate against you." He noted.

"Good luck with that."

"Questions, comments, concerns?"

"No questions, no more comments, and no less than a million concerns but that's just an average day for me." You stood up from his desk. "Thanks for your time and effort, I'll be back in two weeks I guess."

"Hey, I'm rooting for you, and I genuinely mean that." Steve reminded you sadly. "If you need anything at all, professionally or personally, I'm here. I always will be."

You nodded before pushing through the doors with your coffee and benefits list in hand. As quickly as you could, you packed a bag full of everything you'd need to be gone for a little while in hopes that you could get out of the building before the news spread. The last thing you wanted was Bucky trying to convince you to stay or Harvey getting some sort of sick satisfaction from your choice.

It took about an hour, but walking through the compound with a backpack and a duffel was the most satisfying and enjoyable experience you've ever had since the first time you walked into the building.

Getting into the car and turning the key in the ignition, you let the air from the vents hit your face and dry out the tears on your cheeks. Your seatbelt clicked in place and held you like a hug while the music from your playlist connected to Bluetooth and sang comforting words to you.

After putting in the address to your parents house in maps and set off on your journey, you had an hour and 45 minute drive ahead of you to relax and let the weight of the world roll off your shoulders.

But in the process of setting off on your journey, nothing was more comforting that seeing the reflection of the compound becoming smaller and smaller in the rear view mirrors.

Much like the gravity of all the issues that lived within the cold, gray building, they became smaller and smaller the further you got.

You let all of your problems stay locked in the concrete walls for Steve, Bucky, and Harvey to deal with on their own. Because right now, you needed to get better, you needed to feel like you again.

By the time you pulled into your parent's driveway, you barely had time to open your car door before your dad was grabbing your bags from the back seat while your mom was waiting for a hug.

You hopped out of the car and happily wrapped your arms around her. Before you knew it, there were little arms around your legs, your dad joined in, then two more sets of arms held you close.

"Wha-" You mumbled, lifting your head to see your sister, her husband and your nephew were here as well. "What are you guys doing here?!"

"We made the drive over so we can spend a few days together as a whole family." Jane explained with a kind, sympathetic smile on her face. "Luca lives in a constant state of missing his Auntie Smalls, and we all miss having you around so we thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get some quality time in."

"We know you're having a hard time, sweetheart." Your Mom pet your hair lovingly. "But we're here to rally around you no matter what, okay?"

"Whether you choose to be an agent, or an avenger, or a barista at the coffee shop around the corner, we're going to love you and support you just the same." Your dad reminded you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. "There's plenty of space here for you, we're happy to have you as long as you need. There's no rush."

“And when they inevitably start to drive you absolutely insane, our house is your house too. You know we would love to have you, as would Luca." Nathan, your brother in law told you.

"We're going to have so much fun! Mommy brought puzzles, and paints, and ooh! We can play Nintendo-" Luca started excitedly.

"Woah there buddy, let's let Auntie at least put her stuff down before we start bombarding her, alright?" Jane giggled.

"Fine... Auntie let's go inside!" Luca grabbed your hand and gently pulled you towards the door of your childhood home.

You looked back with a genuine smile on your face. Tears filled your eyes at the sight of your family in the driveway, but this time they were happy tears, something you were completely unfamiliar with.

"Thank you, I love you guys." You put your free hand over your heart as Luca continued to happily walk you in.

"We love you too." Your mom said, finding comfort next to your dad who was lovingly wrapping his arm around her.

He was happy and content to have his kids and grandkid all under the same roof. Nothing made him happier than his empty nest becoming full again. "We love you more."

Next Part: Little Birdie

Tag List: @saranghaey @firephotogrl74 @selella @talesofadragon @ss28 @nekoannie-chan @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @spikeluv84 @crazyunsexycool @callmissrogers @xxxalicerogersxx @whore-for-chris-evans @em8rin @mulbsstuff @qalijahbydior @awkotaco24 @buckybarnessimpp @nicoline1998enilocin @buckystevelove @rogersbarber @mybuck @dbnightingale24 @ynstark @sincerelytlh @klaralovescaptainamerica @alexakeyloveloki @mrsevans90 @smhnxdiii @claralovescaptainamerica

[el-moscorrofio-y-el-mercachifle]

Hiiii, I really like it when you share with us the thoughts you have about ysblf! What did you think of that second "meeting" between Patricia and Daniel? The one where she goes to his apartment after calling him out on her cell phone and he told her to resign (and minutes later she finds Aura Maria with Mario). I always see people talking about their first "date", which was at her apartment, but in my opinion this second one was much more disturbing. This one had more blackmail, manipulation and ab\/s3 involved, which made everything sadder. Not to mention the way Daniel treated Patricia afterwards, due to her logical reaction, him sending her away soon after, had a strong impact on her (which makes me wonder about her backstory, and if this has happened before with other people

It really irritates me that they didn't give much insight into Patricia's past, I think that would explain a lot about her).

ps: sorry if I made any mistakes, I'm translating using Google Translate

Hiii! Thank you for the ask!! Don't worry about mistakes, this was very good!😊

Oh, that scene! It's definitely so, so ugly. I'd say is one of the ugliest because of the heavy themes. Fun act, I just rewatched the whole ysblf here in the US on the Peacock platform and it doesn't have the scene after, when they're on Daniel's bed and he's breathing heavily nd all that. Idk why's that, but I definitely want to rewatch the full uncensored versión again lster

The "date" escene is bad, but I don't think that anything there ((except the sexual harrassment, obviously)) makes me uncomfortable. Daniel quickly detected a golddigger with Princess delusions even though she's pretty pathetic, so he popped her bubble. She wasn't going there with a genuine desire of getting to know Daniel. She simply wanted a walking ATM, and Daniel knew that. She was just looking for a plan B in case her "relationship" with Mario didn't lead to economic comfort. (((You gotta be smart even to golddig, ppl lol)))

But THAT escene, when Patricia goes to Daniel's place to basically beg forgiveness, and Daniel takes advantage of it is so, so ugly, uncomfortable, and raw. We are presented a very human and vulnerable Patricia in a way that we didn't get to see much. We didn't see a walking comedy skit like she later became, but an actual woman who fell so hard that she's now having to accept being coerced into sexual favors because otherwise she'll be consumed by poverty. It's a very sad and human story. And yes, we know Patricia acted very wrongfully by damaging the computer, but that's nothing compared to what Daniel made her pay.

Daniel liked to humiliate people, especially those from whom he could get a reaction, like Armando and Patricia. Notice he barely ever bothers Mario, for example? Or Hugo? Sure, he gives poisoned comments to almost everyone, but you can tell he likes to particularly humiliates those who won't take it lightly and will break easily OR pretend to be more than they are ((ironic considering this dude conskders himself classy, rich, and smart and we know he isn't lmao)).

In any case, Patricia was the perfect target as she fits noth categories anyway, and he chose to humiliate her to the biggest degree in that scene when he sends her away. He is saying she is useless but for sex. That all she is and can ever be for a man like him is momentary fun. That all she prides herself in are mere facades and delusions and there is no value on her but her body. And of course, he's told her this before, but in this scene he actively demonstrates it.

The characters' backgrounds are somrthing that we really needed! Patricia is one of those characters that as the novela progresses it's easy to forget how real and human her problems are, and it's understandable the audience has that perception. The novela took her extreme poverty and made a joke out of it. But she really fell low due fully to her ego. She was coerced into sexual favors, and later basically sells herself to Nicolás for the money for her car. She goes so down to the point she doesn't eat for days. Her fridge is empty, she has no electricity some days, cold water. And sure, it's a grave that she keeps digging deeper and deeper with every idiotic decision; a hell of her own creation, but a hell none the less!

My guess for Patricia's past has always been that she was born into extravagabt luxury, not just money. Either her mother was similar to her in her grandiose and vain ways and instilled that mentality on Patricia, or maybe she died when Patricia was too little. Her dad definitely seems the kind to be trying to supply every single materia thing. Perhaps this was his way to fill the void that her mom left in her. They seem to get along, tho. We see her calling him all the time tk tell him good and bad things happenjng in her life, so we can say they're pretty close, but with firm boundaries from her dad's side. I imagine she lived on his expense for a long time and he's now done with it.

Thank you for the ask🥰🥰

[thefreelanceangel]

Tagged: What's At Your Core?

Tagged by: @otherworldseekers; @caerbannogs; @chadhunkler (Thanks y'all!)

Imayo Mikomori:

spun gossamer the easiest thing to do is stay quiet when something’s up. you’re not bothered, and you know what? you shouldn’t be! it’s none of your business, even when it’s entirely your business. it’s difficult (read: impossible) to tell if your cheery demeanor is a cover-up for something sadder, or if it’s simply your natural state of mind. you see a lot of things: people coming through town, people leaving the house and never coming back, lies and deceit of the highest degree. what happened to you? will you ever be that kid again? your presence smells like cotton candy, and your fingertips sparkle like stars. whatever white rabbit you’re chasing isn’t going to lead you to wonderland if you don’t start reaching out when you’re not feeling okay.

Renaux Iseterre:

acerbic wit you're a mentor — an old scarred wolf, an injured soldier, a disgraced paladin. your teachings read as shamelessly pretentious, speaking in rhymes and biting down hard into anyone stupid enough to make the wrong move. this isn't your first life, nor your second, nor your sixth — you'll make the most of your time shackled to this world, no matter how many loops it takes to get it right. with every defeat, you reincarnate; a little smarter, a little quicker, crueler and nastier. will you choose to be brutal, equalizing, that final strike in the face of your enemies? will you go soft, become tender and domesticated? the choice is yours. it's not like i can stop you.

Ilya Grey:

flightless bird the thought of your found family is what motivates you in your own little world. you touch the clouds, and the soil gives way under your footprints… this is utopia. if you were to erase one thing, it would be your memory. experience is important, but ignorance is bliss. identity, in heaven, should give way to happiness. you'd give anything just to sit by the swings and eat ice cream, but this isn't that kind of world. you have to get up and wash the dirt off of your scraped knees. i think you have an escapism problem.

Quiz HERE!

Tagging: I'm so late in doing this that I think EVERYONE has been tagged, but if you haven't? Do it!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary237

5/9-10/2024

thursday - friday

exhausted, we went out.

i won't elaborate really, i am just tired, i woke up at like 6 am-ish today and went to bed sort of late last night, like 11. so i've been up a while on not a perfect amount of sleep.

i saw some things i'm really glad i saw tonight, people especially. i know that since my gf is graduating, she might see some people less, but i don't want that to happen, to the people i like at least, and i think i have to make the effort because i know they might not, not all of them at least, unless i show them in some way. some people would, for sure, or at least try to, but who knows ultimately.

i do think though maybe i'd be happier now if i stayed home, but if i did, i'd be sadder later, i guess. maybe. i dunno. i could have worked more on the album. it is definitely in a phase where everything i am doing is making these songs better at least, so i'm happy about that.

anyway, i also saw this woman in a rather empty goth club, older, definitely not in her youth, but reminiscing with her body and activity, some past, far off from where i am or have ever been. she twirled something that seemed like a dragon on string, she made a few mistakes, the music was kind of bad but she made it beautiful, which is incredible i think, i think the fact that there's a past there, implicitly at least, lends her some tragedy, at the same rate though, she really did express beauty there, i wanted to cry almost watching.

there is a photo of her.

today was also the last day for all the creative writing mfas to do like, a thesis show-off thing. they were all bad, and my gf is not one of them, i have to clarify. we go almost because it's awful and the creative writing major people tend to be kind of terrible, even when kind i dunno, they are just not pleasant. that is for some reason interesting to us. maybe we should interrogate that more but we'll never see them again.

one of them, in this little thing they had on the tables at this back yard of a bar downtown they were doing their reading in, this yearbook program book thingy, she had her quote and it was

"if you can't do anything productive, don't do anything at all"

which is profoundly fascist to me. i mean that super honestly and it honestly disgusts me a little, it reminds me of what is going on in canada right now. if you can't be productive and escape your circumstance, why, and then, end. end meaning, of course, kill yourself, or die, or cease, whatever is easiest to swallow.

am i productive?

no, obviously not.

i am a bad person probably. certainly today i made something out of social outbursts almost among the poets and writers. can i count myself among them? i have no degree. in my gf's mother's words, i am uneducated. good, let them have that. i am my worthlessness, if i am no value, i am the transgression of the thought to value anything. given that, i am beset with the return of the limit and the attempts and successes and subsequent halting of that disturbance of the thresholds which manage the regular, to value myself and find value, or that others will do it for me. whatever. this is beside the point, today i took lots of random flash photos of people while they did not know, and then at one point began taking photos for people in the program who asked me to do so, while they were moving, getting ready, being a pest i guess. it was funny though. i think some of those photos are good but i won't post them. i feel bad about it but it feels like, not liking any of them, not being able to take the art seriously, i have to like risk myself or something to wound it, or i dunno, make a fool of myself so someone laughs at least.

anyhow, it was good to see people, i felt sort of ugly. i wonder how long it'll be for me to not feel like that. it's not being ground down, so much as an infiltration, it's sudden now, weeks ago even, i would not say i felt so bad, but now i do. or i can check. but i think that even over the hills and valleys of this ordeal i have not reached such a point. it's such that, not a grinding of the surface, nothing is rougher on my surface no it is that infiltration, into me, the ways i lived my life, the things i want and the things i need become impossible to follow, and everything becomes questionable. i submit myself to the economy, i undergo its fluctuations and the fact that it, incapable of even believing in itself, must weaponize itself by some measure, and continue as a mechanism rather than anything else, systematized. i am systematized by work, beyond my body's kinetics, it is the sign i am made to carry by the uni-form. i break the word apart to make its meaning clear, the single shape, of course there is no single shape, it is about making lines slight, divergence invisible, simplifications for the system to work on the assumptions, as it erodes foundations and drives, it erodes my ability, but even still i could have always walked away. i could have quit, stuck my neck out for others. i did not, i can't tell if i'm a coward, or not quitting makes me not a coward. what am i doing, ultimately? unanswerable until it is done. that is the flight, that is my action, that is where i am and always able to locate myself, i am flying always, i have to be mobile, even sleeping, sleeping is the greatest mobility, lispector says in agua viva that sleep is where one disperses, no self to possess, into the void. i am mobile there. this mobility, this location or non-location or the very notion of the non, it does not exist when one works and when one does not work the whole of the world will see this as an issue. evidence of the non, the corpse self possessed, is a crisis. this is why what is taking place in canada, under the guise of greater freedom over one's body, is the management of the non.

infiltration, i must become more opaque. i am tired, my time, my time is dragged around and beaten by the hideous fact that we are all bullied into rubrics and kept there for the eyes of a technology and set of techniques which know that upon the long form impression of the rubric, we will repeat, carry out, do it again. it can become automated.

it sets itself in the assumptions of living. it is the assumption of much of living, now. this is too dire. it is not living. but how am i to say yes in such a state as i am in. i cannot really lay here and relent and sublate to it, as i cannot relent and sublate myself to my wider desires to be touched (complex meaning, but only in the dirty ways (i would like to simply be 'used' (you know it means fucked, so why would i dance around that?) always, this came naturally to me by my history or a future that came years ago that taught me what my body 'was' or made it become. because of this, it's not that i am, but that i am only a cluster of wants, and nothing distinct)). this tension between the fact i cannot accept what has been made to be natural and the soul i am told i ought to have, and that i know i cannot evaporate into the activity of another, and that when in that activity i am sensing myself and, oddly, enjoying that, just as after work there is a lightness, a violence in me. but the eruptions against my time, it is visions of pompeii setting a life in stone and worthless there unmovable. oh, hell, release me.

i ought to write more coherently on a story soon.

anyway it is too freaking late, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[kochanski]

Lot of interesting character stuff in Ouroboros and Duct Soup although it's difficult to say I like the group dynamic. Not gonna get into the misogynistic writing, we all know women be shopping etc etc, I just want to talk about how Kochanski fits (or how I think she should fit) in with the boys

I think Kochanski and Lister do have some chemistry, like, the moment when he tries to draw her a bath and make her evening nicer was really sweet and completely caught me off guard since in most episodes she's the one taking care of him. I'm not a fan of the way their relationship is handled in Ouroboros so it was nice to get a Lister redemption moment in Duct Soup.

I also liked that Kochanski decided to mess with him by briefly lying about her reality, although I'm conflicted about the actual content of the conversation (idk, not the worst thing in the world, but as a gay person it does feel a bit uncomfortable to joke/lie about alternate Lister's sexuality). But there's potential for mischief here and I think that's really important, given that she's been presented in her debut as a relatively no-nonsense character/straight man to the boys' chaos. This interaction brings her from being a reactionary character to stirring things up herself and I really appreciated that.

I do like the witty insults and some of the interactions wrt Kochanski and Kryten's rivalry, but it feels like a way more annoying/sexist version of the Lister-Rimmer dynamic. Rimmer wouldn't (probably) have seriously sabotaged the ship in order to screw Lister over- not saying he wouldn't think really hard about it, but their relationship has kind of a weird affectionate feel that's just missing from Kryten and Kochanski's. Obviously this is me scrabbling to take off the shipping goggles I've welded to my face but you know. Their antagonizing does have some foundation of friendship, where K&K don't have that at all. It is strangely endearing how much value Kryten places on his relationship to Lister, but it plays as controlling and petty in a way I don't care for.

Interestingly, early on in Ouroboros, Kochanski desperately needs to know why Kryten doesn't like her, and seems distressed that he doesn't. I kind of wonder if they weren't close in her reality, which makes me even sadder that they hate each other here.

Kochanski and the Cat don't seem to interact much at all in these episodes, but I did find it cute that the Cat follows her orders enthusiastically and tries to impress her. Of course this is likely a sexual pursuit based on the way he talks about her to Lister, but I would actually kind of love if she was His Person like an actual cat. I really like when Cat displays feline behaviors so I think it would be sweet if they had that weird unconditional bond, and I think it would be funny to see Lister a little jealous of that and try to win back the Cat (unsuccessfully) with food or other bribes. Just my two cents

Obviously, we almost never get her interacting with Original Rimmer, but it would be an interesting match. She and Rimmer have a lot in common vis-a-vis wanting to put order to the chaos, and they have similar backgrounds, although Kochanski comes off a lot more posh and upper-class than Rimmer ever has. Still, I think they would have some of the same tastes and be able to empathize with one another to some degree. I'm divided, however, on if Kochanski's competence and rank would be a source of jealousy, or if he would be relieved to have her in charge and start kissing up to her the way he does in the brief flashback in Ouroboros. As the show goes on, Rimmer kind of blossoms into this guy who actually halfway knows what he's doing as long as he doesn't pause to doubt himself, so I think Kochanski would recognize that in him and try (and absolutely fail) to nurture that. They're also both characters prone to anger and rage, but where Rimmer's presents as passive aggression, Kochanski is willing and able to be straight-up aggressive, definitely more so than Lister ever was. I don't know, I think the comparisons are interesting.

Okay wow this is a longer post than I thought but hopefully it's a fun read. Worth noting I'm only 5 episodes into series 7/have been skipping around a bit so it's entirely possible that I'm missing things. I just feel like if this is the character development season, it leaves some things to be desired and I really want to fill in those blanks

[whaleofatjme1920]

Headcanons of Desmond's life on the run? :)

Demond's Life on the Run

Sorry this took so long, I have been immensely busy. Anyways, here's Demond thoughts.

Most assassins have to grow up immensely fast. It just comes with the territory, y'know?

However, when Desmond decided that enough was enough, he made the decision to run off and pursue his own happiness and dreams.

He grew up IMMENSELY fast.

Honestly having the skills of an assassin at such a young age really helped him lmfao. Those really came in handy.

He was honestly,,,, a little shady,,,,,,,,,

I think he already had traits of his ancestors in his habits. Ezio's charm, Altair.... Altair. Edward's wit, Haytham's class (even though it was really, really shoddy class lmfao), and Connor's strength.

Ofc, we know that he hitchhiked for a while before finally getting referenced to NY.

He met some wild people, had a lot of good life experience. Honestly, I think Desmond kinda liked being a vagabond.

Desmond learned so much about the world outside of assassin and Templar business by traveling with other people. Those are some precious stories he'll never forget.

He thinks the badlands are beautiful, no, I am not taking any questions. There are days he'd spend the mornings just gazing out at the scenery, see some tumble weeds, listen to the breeze and feel at ease.

After being recommended to NY, nothing was really the same for him. It excited him, and next thing he knew, he was there.

The lights of the city at night are some of the most beautiful sights in his opinion.

Again, this boy was shady as all hell. He had to do some interesting things to survive. Steal, different identities, not keep one singular backstory, it was a tad mentally taxing for him!

Yes, he did miss his family and friends.

Anyways, Demons was a handsome guy growing up. It's why he got hired at Bad Weather, or at least why he thinks he was hired.

Desmond was surprisingly a natural at bar tending.

He liked to experiment with different types of drinks before finally making his signature "Shirley Templar".

I think Desmond is a natural social butterfly. He was the most friendly bartender and always good for conversation. He had a sunshiny attitude, kinda dry humor and wit. He was just really, really fun.

Y'know, I also get the vibe he was paranoid of certain patrons at the bar. That's probably where Altair's traits fit in. He was always observing, never resting.

One time, he saw someone that looked like his dad and had a panic attack. He couldn't breathe, thought he'd been discovered. Every now and then, he thought he saw a familiar face walk in and he'd have the same reaction.

He would never be able to look those patrons in the eye.

Desmond liked just blending into people while living in the city.

He was friendly, but also kept to himself. Ezio energy.

The hustle and bustle suited him really, really well.

I know everything else says he was really gruff and cynical, but I refuse that. Deadass refuse that. I think he was a natural people magnet and made people laugh to some degree.

He's a bit sarcastic but most people took that as charming. Every now and then, he would rival Edward's wit.

A little sadder, but I think he was so incredibly lonely. People knew about him, but no one really, really knew him. I mean, there was one woman, but even then that was extremely surface level. So surface level, that he didn't even know about Elijah.

Anyways, Desmond would sometimes stare at the ceiling in bed and watch as the lights danced over head, remembering looking at the stars when he was a child.

He wondered if his dad even cared.

Desmond really shouldn't be left alone with his thoughts, if I'm being honest.

I don't know is Desmond ever really planned to live a long life or even if he felt he had much purpose despite feeling relatively comfortable at Bad Weather.

Was he glad he left the farm?

Yeah, he was. But, sometimes you get homesick.

That feeling never really dissipated, regardless of how hard he tried to shove it to the back of his head.

[munsonenthisiast]

Then & Forever

A/N: I wrote this in like five days and had my bestie edit. This is my first time writing anything, but I love Josh so-

Summary: Since you started working for GVF, you and Josh had grown close to each other over the years. This time you hope your feelings don't get in the way of ruining everything you built.

Contains: Smut, drinking, smoking, cursing

WC: 10.9k

"So you're saying that. . . you've never played an instrument before?" Sam pointed at his bass. You laughed at the question, sipping your beer. "Correct." Sam furrowed his face in confusion. "Then why do you have a degree IN music if you can't play?" Josh hit Sam on the shoulder with a pencil making a small face. You shrugged your shoulders, swishing the alcohol around your mouth. "I don't know, It's just something I've never wanted to do, you know. I guess it's one thing knowing about an instrument rather than playing it."

Everyone nodded in agreement. "Well, if you did play anything I'm sure you'd be really good at it." Josh smiled towards you. He went back to writing in his journal while everyone else went back to respectively playing their own instruments.

But for you, it seemed a long way home. Never did it cross your mind that you would basically be living with four different people from time to time. Especially not so quickly. Greta Van Fleet was your first job, and really, first anything. From high school until now, you were alone. Which made you a little grumpy when working with people, but none the less you warmed up to them quickly. Especially Josh, who always seemed attached to the hip with you.

Josh may have annoyed you a tiny bit at first, but his euphoric mind is what intrigued you in the first place. He always seemed so wise, knowing the right answer to everything. And the way he wrote the lyrics to songs, just naturally appeared to him somehow. It was truly magic.

Jake smacked you on the arm, calling for your attention. "Ok, what do you think of this." He pulled the guitar over his lap, playing the notes he came up with. You quickly wrote down the notes he played, looking out for any correction. "So what do you think?" He asked, flailing his arms around. Running your pencil down the piece of paper, you started to shake your head. "I think it sounds pretty good," you said looking at Josh, who also nodded his head in compliance. "What would also sound cool is if you gave it a little vibrato during a live show."

Jake smiled writing the commentary down on a sticky note. "You know, for not knowing how to play, you really are smart with this kind of stuff." You glared your eyes at him, snickering just a little bit. Everyone worked for a couple of more hours, before calling it a night. Danny and Sam were practically sleeping on each other.

You shook Sam awake, snatching his car keys from his hand. "We'll both be dead if you drive, and were the most important in the band. Well, besides Danny. And Jake. And Josh." You twirled the keys around your finger while Sam stretched to get awake. Josh flipped all the pages over in his journal, turning to you. "We got pretty far today, don't you think?" Josh smiled at his brothers, who were already arguing about something. "Yeah. Maybe we'll get better stuff done tomorrow, you know. This is supposed to be the 'fun' part," you said using air quotations, "but the most boring part out of everything. But maybe, in the end, it'll all be worth it." you hit Josh's arm softly.

"Are you going with Sam?" you nodded quickly. "Yeah, I kind of promised him I would help him with some stuff in the morning." Josh looked sadder than ever. You smiled at Josh, noticing Sam waiting by the door with Jake and Danny. "I'll see you later." You gave Josh a quick kiss on the head.

"Let's go." you wiggled a finger at Sam, practically dragging him to the car. The ride to Sam's house was fairly quiet other than the little snores coming from him. It was nice to get a moment or two of peace to yourself. Working and living with four grown men gave no room for privacy. Everything is shared between you all. Which you had to admit, scared you a little at first because you've always grown up with a sister and maybe a few girlfriends here and there; but you were never as close to them, then as you were to the band.

The house was quiet when you walked in, dark and dim from the night sky. Sam immediately walked to his bedroom, and passed out on his bed. Which left you alone in the kitchen. Putting some of the items away in cabinets, you looked around at all the brothers' family photos, including some of Danny. It made you smile to yourself to see some of them so young and happy. Maybe a little vulnerable too. You were a little envious of how confident some of them had been with their work, just being able to put themselves out there, accepting failure. Not you though. Failure made you angry, furious even. Sometimes it got so bad, you'd hide away for days without any contact with the outside world.

After putting all the trash away, you headed back to the spare room. You turned on all the lights, changing into some warmer clothing. Crawling under the sheets, sleep came easy that night.

-

When you woke up, the blinds had been left the night before causing you to shoot out of bed. Quickly rubbing your eyes, you went to the bathroom to clean up a bit. When you walked towards the kitchen, your feet padded beneath you. Sam still wasn't up, which was pretty normal. You started some coffee and cooked breakfast for the two of you. Though, something triggered you to open a forbidden drawer and bum a cigarette. Quickly lighting it, you messed around with food until it was cooked.

"A cigarette at 8 in the morning?" Sam questioned groggily, clad in just sweatpants. "Well, you know me; I only smoke when I'm forgetting something." You both said in unison. You quickly waved him off, pouring food onto a plate for both of you. "I wonder WHO you're forgetting." You scrunched your face, looking around the room. "What do you mean who?" Sam scoffed. "Josh," You quickly rolled your eyes, slamming the plate down on the table "Eat the fucking food you loser." You both contently ate in peace while making some playful banter here and there. "So what exactly do you need help with?" Sam pulled out a cigarette from the cartridge, silently lighting.

"I need help with a decision." Sam stared at you while you nodded your in question, pretending like you at least understood what he was talking about. "Look, I just want you to go with me to buy another bass, ok. And I want to go to the record store." Narrowing your eyes, you pulled the cigarette from him. "I feel like this is something completely different than what you're telling me." Sam shook his head slowly. "Nope. I still want to keep the mint-colored bass, but I just want to have a cool collection, you know. Oh, let's buy something expensive!" He pointed the smoke at you, while you collected the dishes to put in the sink. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, please. We can not go broke. Not like last time." You shuddered at the thought.

"Thanks for the food. I'm gonna get ready." You flinched your eyebrows and kept washing the dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. You quickly went back to the room for a change of clothes. By the time you were done, Sam was waiting at the door for you. Grabbing your coat and your shoes, you both headed out the door. Sam was walking coolly beside you, as you both looked around the town. Shops were lining down the small street, with cars passing through. He put his arm around your shoulder as you both passed through large crowds. Finally finding the music shop, you both walked in, heading to a certain section.

"So remind me," He paused to look at a sleek grey bass, flipping it over a couple of times. "Why don't you ever get with Josh? I mean he obviously likes you." You scoffed a little bit at his statement. "I thought we were here for you Sam, not to talk about me." You picked up a dark wood bass, showing it to Sam. "I mean with that same logic why don't I ever get with you? I mean we're close, right?" He rolled his eyes, still playing with the instrument you showed him.

"I think I like this one." Sam brought it up to the counter, talking to the girl up front. Who seemed to really enjoy the conversation they were having. Turning on your heel, you waited by the door playing with some random drum sticks. Sam eventually walked over and led you out. "It'll be delivered in a couple of weeks. I bought a whole new one." You pursed your lips smiling at Sam. "Did you also manage to snag that poor girl's number?"

Sam pushed you upside the head as you walked into the record store. You both parted ways looking at different sections. You flipped through vintage albums, picking out random ones you thought everyone would enjoy. After looking through some more, Sam found you and walked to the front to pay. "You found quite a lot there," Sam said, peeking through the ones in your hand.

"Yeah, figured I could add a bit to my very depressing collection." you chuckled, looking at one of the sleek covers. "Don't you have like two?" you glared back at Sam. "Which I believe are both of your band's albums." Sam laughed. You both paid, bags in hand.

"So what now?" you asked Sam as you both mindlessly walked around. "Probably go home. Want me to take you back?" You nodded in agreement and headed back to his car.

-

After saying goodbye to Sam, you walked back up the stairs to your apartment. When you opened the door, Josh appeared from your room, causing you to nearly break the table in the hallway.

"What the hell Josh!" He shrugged his shoulders, making his way to the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"I was waiting until you got back from hanging out with my brother. What were you two doing anyway?" Pouring a glass of water from the sink, you took a sip, and made your way to the couch next to Josh. You leaned your head back on the cushion, staring at the ceiling. "Sam bought a pretty hefty bass, and bought more records." You looked over at Josh. "What about you?"

"Well you know," he sighed. "Tried to work on writing up some new lyrics. Even went over to Danny's and Jake's to work some stuff out. It's coming along nicely." Setting the cup down on the coffee table, you looped an arm around Josh's, leaning your head on his shoulder. "Good. It'll come out beautifully in the end," you said patting his hand. You sniffed, sitting up in your seat. "Are you staying for dinner?" Josh hummed looking up at you. "Oh yeah. I was actually wondering if I could stay for the night; get's kind of lonely at my place." You nodded.

"Yeah, that's fine." You walked over to the kitchen. "Anything in mind you want to eat?" you asked. "Uh, how about that chicken. The one you make with the rice, mushrooms, and asparagus." You started to pull out the pots and pans, placing them on the stove. You leaned back on the counter watching everything cook. To be quite frank, you didn't know how you would handle Josh staying over. Of course, you and Josh were rather close, it even shocked people that you knew each other so well. After all, he knew you better than your own blood.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. On one hand, it would give you time to think some things over and ponder the questions Sam had asked you earlier today. And then you could for sure decide what you wanted to do. You grabbed some plates and moved the food over to the table. Josh was already seated, patiently awaiting your arrival.

"Looks good, as always." he complimented, raising his hands towards you. "Thanks, Josh." you smiled.

"So," he said, chewing his food. "What happened at the music store?" Rolling your eyes at the thought of Sam annoying you, you told him about how he was flirting with the girl at the front desk. "I mean just giggling, and laughing, it was like watching teenagers make out." You made a small coughing noise thinking about Sam flirting with that poor girl. "But, you know, as they say, there's someone for everyone," you said sarcastically, shaking your head. Josh let out a high-pitched laugh at Sam. "That's Sam for you. He bore you with anything else?"

You thought about all the moments were Sam had bullied you over liking Josh or falling in love with Josh. Of course, you loved Josh but you weren't sure whether you were 'in love' with him per se. He was practically your other half. Nobody else could compare to that. But it was hard to decipher whether you even liked him like that. "You know. The usual; stuff about when you all were younger and more embarrassing moments."

Josh covered his face with his hands, groaning. "I hope it wasn't all too bad." He shook his head, eating the last bits of food. "Not at all, actually." As you both finished your plates, you sat in comfortable silence. That was until Josh spoke out about something.

"Hey remember that time- ugh geez, when was it," he asked, pressing on his face. "Probably around the time I first met you, and I pretty much knew then you hated my fucking guts, man" You let out a breath at the thought of Josh thinking you hated him. "But that was also the time I kept catching you listening to the album at the time. Just over and over and over again." Josh just shook his head thinking of you. "I didn't- hate you," you confessed. "I just really didn't know how to be around people so much. I did like that album though." you laughed, pointing at Josh. Who also laughed along with you. "Look, I'm sorry I made you feel that way; I just, I've never really had close friends like you." Before he could say anything back, you picked up the plates, placing them in the sink.

From inside the kitchen, you could hear him talking to his brothers on the phone. The usual screaming, laughing, and anger from whatever stupid joke someone told. It honestly made you wish you were closer to your own sister. Whom you haven't spoken to in the past ten years. After you finished off with the dishes, you walked to your bedroom. Which was hard to admit, but you had an entire wall full of Greta Van Fleet photos from when you first started working with them because you had a hard time telling who was who.

"Oh, I remember these photos!" Josh exclaimed as walked into your room. He marveled at all the photos you had printed out and plastered on the wall. Some even had labels of all the boy's names. "Yeah, a little creepy, don't you think?"

Josh shrugged. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because you didn't know who we were, and I know some people have a hard time differentiating between us twins." You turned around and opened up the bag full of record vinyl, handing some to Josh. "Here, I bought some for you earlier, and I figured I could use some- given the only two I have are from your band." He giggled, flipping through the different albums. "Oh, Bob Dylan! What a legend and old Michael Jackson! Very good stuff." You patted his shoulder as you put away all the other albums on a shelf.

"So, the spare bedroom should be good-" Josh cut you off. "I was hoping to sleep with you, actually. Unless that makes you too uncomfortable." You nearly choked on your own spit when Josh asked you that. You really didn't think he'd be that lonely. "Um, no that's fine. I'm sure I have someone's clothes here you can use." He grinned.

"Thanks." You handed him some spare clothes and left him to change in the bathroom. When you returned he was already tucked in, facing the wall with the pictures. Turning off the light, you quietly slid in next to him. You'd never really been in this much of an intimate situation, no less next to Josh. It wasn't awkward, but it was just hard to decipher the feelings of the both of you, and where he was going with his suggestion. "Can I ask you something?" Josh whispered. He turned around to face you closer.

"What was your initial thought when you first met me?" You laughed a little to yourself. "When I first met you I wanted to be exactly like you." Josh propped himself up on his elbow, leaning even closer to you.

"What about me?" he asked. "I don't know. You were always so confident, and the way you carried yourself; just, it made me so mad and angry that I couldn't be like that. Maybe that's why it came off that I hated you a little bit." Josh laid back down.

"Listen, you'll always be the best thing that happened to me. When I first met you, I thought you had the most brilliant mind out of everyone I ever met. Except for Danny. He's got an excellent brain." You smacked his arm laughing out loud.

"Thank you, Josh." You rolled over onto your side, hoping to fall asleep soon. Before you did though, you felt Josh slip an arm around your side; his face falling into the back of your neck. Soon, both of you fell asleep together.

-

When morning came the next day, Josh was still entangled in your back, but this time his arm was hugging you tighter. At any slight movement, he just pulled you closer. Finally giving up from moving away from Josh, you laid there silently in his arms. You silently traced the creases in his hand, thinking absentmindedly. He stirred a tiny bit but never woke. You took this time to turn around and look at him. His arm still wrapped around tightly on your shoulder; causing you to bury your face into his chest.

Inhaling his warm scent, you just about closed your eyes imagining a world where you were in love with him, and he loved you back. At this moment, he started to finally wake up. You decided to keep your eyes closed, too embarrassed to see what his reaction would be to find you both like this. You could feel Josh's eyes looking around the room before they made their way down to you. Feeling the certainty of him staring down at you made you panic a little. But then you could feel his hand start to part through your hair, moving it out of your face. His movement followed by leaning forward, giving you a long slow kiss on the forehead.

Then there was the fine sensation of his lips lingering on your skin. He started whispering your name, shaking you awake. You slowly blinked your eyes to make it look like you hadn't really been awake all this time. He smiled brightly when you both made eye contact. "Good morning," he said softly. You smiled, placing a hand on his chest. "Good morning Josh."

Letting out a little yawn, you turned over and sat up on the side of the bed. You sipped on some water that had been on you bedside for a while, then stretched out. "What do you plan on doing today?" you asked groggily. "Everyone wanted to meet up today and go over some stuff. Wanna join?" you quickly nodded your head.

"Great. Well then, I'll go take a shower and get ready." He walked away silently, leaving you all alone once more. Deciding against the better of things, you too got up to shower. While waiting for the water to heat up, you traced against the spots where Josh's hand had been.

It's like there was a space left on you, but you could only feel the invisible touch leftover from him. Jumping in the shower felt like you were committing a terrible sin. The handprint of Josh washed away as every drop of water hit your body. But it felt just as warm and comforting as him. After quickly getting dressed, you met Josh at the front door who was holding it open for you. The crisp autumn air surprised you in the face when you walked outside. The sidewalks weren't too busy but crowded to perfection

You both got in the car and drove to the studio. Everyone was already there by the time you two made it; For some reason, Josh had wanted to stop to get everyone coffee and a bagel, which you really couldn't say no to. Sam raised his eyebrows at you when you walked in with Josh pretty late. You hit him on the arm lightly. Sam rubbed the part of his arm, cursing you off. Everyone, including you, walked into a backroom set with all the instruments anyone could think of, and two very well-loved on couches.

The lights in the room were set to a dim, vintage-style brown, illuminating everyone's tan features. Josh handed the food out, starting the conversation. It varied from topic to topic.

"How is everyone?"

"Are there new ideas anyone wants to talk about?"

"How about we do this instead of that."

Josh snapped his fingers in front of your face, waving his hand around. "Hey silly, I asked you a question." you looked up quickly, meeting everyone's gaze. "Huh?"

"I said do you have any ideas on what we should wear?" You pulled out a small sketchbook from your jacket pocket showing Josh, and the rest of the band on the different aesthetics for clothing. "I was thinking about stitching some nudity art on the back for Josh. I'll probably go shopping for some silk and thread. I found this really cool jacket piece for Jake; I'll add some things on it, and a shiny blazer for Sam. As for Danny, I found these really nice pants, but I have to tailor them. I'm still trying to find a smooth shirt to go with."

You wrote down some reminder notes giving the rest some time to process anything and get started. Josh sat next to you on one of the couches, pulling out his note journal. He pointed out some of the lyrics, whispering to himself before showing it to you. "I came up with these this morning." your cheeks turned red, though you doubt Josh could see given how dark it was. You read through the lines in each glorious manner. They each had a delicate touch to them, written with something personal

It reminded you of something ethereal. Like being in outer space, and getting to look at all the planets from afar. "What are you thinking?" Josh asked. You let out a short breath before answering. "I think it's good. Really good in fact. I can feel it's personal to you, you know."

Before he could respond, there was a line of curses causing you both to look up. Jake was yelling at himself and the guitar in his hands with a tiny string poking out from the neck of the guitar.

"This fucking piece of shit keeps breaking," he he groaned, with gritted teeth. Rolling your eyes, you went to the other grabbing some new guitar strings. Handing them back Jake, he mumbled out a thank you. "Guess what, it's not that hard to get up and get new strings, Jake. I just did it by myself." Everyone laughed at your taunting to Jake, getting rid of his frustrated mood.

"Well, you're the best." He poked your shoulder. You headed back to another room to think about some more things. Possibly about Josh; but the majority for the band. Really working with them, never gave you time to put yourself out there. Which wasn't a terrible thing. In fact, you preferred not to out. You've always had a one-track mind. Focused too much on one thing, forgetting completely about anything else. It's probably why you'd failed out of most schools during your high school and college career. It always ended up being too much for your brain to handle.

Maybe that's what you feared most. Things always getting in the way; either making you angry, or angry enough to run away and never look back. You didn't want that with Josh. Nor did you want that for this band. You made some more scratch notes, listening to the muffled sound of music. After a while, you doodled in your notebook for some clothing ideas. Stitching had been one of the many skills that stuck with you since when. You never really knew where you learned to do such a thing.

Josh always told you how marvelous your work was. That it belonged in a museum of some sort. He knew somehow that you'd do great things with art. When sketching became boring, you shopped around online for some fabric, and thread, ordering what you needed. When finished some smaller portions of work, you fell back on the couch pushing your hair out of your face. Josh walked in at the right time, pulling you back into the studio.

"We hashed some things out, figured what don't and do want for some of the songs. Think we'll be ready to record in a few weeks." All the boys cheered each other on, pushing each other around. "I think this calls for a celebration over some drinks."

"Great idea. There's a bar a couple of blocks from here. What do you say?" Everyone hummed in agreement, piling out the door. Josh had a hand on your back as he walked you out through all the doors.

-

When you walked inside there were a few people seated around. It wasn't overbearing crazy. Everyone took a seat at the bar ordering drinks. You had already taken a couple of tequila shots to loosen up for the night. "So tell me," Josh slouched down in his seat. "What do you think the future holds for this band." You giggled, already a little drunk.

"What I think doesn't matter Josh. I think that you'll be successful in whatever you choose to do. I think it's you as the leader to help everyone along. In my opinion, they're here to support you and your ideas. I mean, of course, they have their own input but you get what I'm saying." Josh nodded along, sipping his drink. "That's quite a mouthful, but yeah. I'd do anything for these people. For Christ's sake, three of them are my brothers. And Danny I've known for like ever." He pointed to them, which they were all fighting about something.

Josh shook his head, looking down at the floor. He placed a hand on your shoulder as he left for another drink. Sam soon replaced Josh, slouching in the same position. "What were you two talking about." He waved a finger around your face. To which, you quickly swatted away. "He loves you, Sam. We love you. I love you, Sam."

Sam pursed his lips, squinting his eyes. "You're that drunk already?" You hummed looking at your watch seeing as only twenty minutes had passed. "Well Sam, the night's still young, so I'm willing to get fucking wasted if you are." He quickly nodded his head, ordering the two of you more drinks. As the night went on, all of you managed to play twelve rounds of pool (none of which you won), a game of cards, and meet totally random people. You, including the boys, were completely wasted and it wasn't even one in the morning. Danny and Jake had left to go god knows where, leaving you, Sam, and Josh talking to some random girl at a table. Looking over at Josh, you felt your heart hurt a little.

Sometimes you wish you had the assertiveness that Josh had to talk to him. Deep down you knew he would never reject you. He would randomly bring up why you never got together, but you always dismissed the conversation too scared of what might happen. Sam slipped next to you, turning his chair around to face you. He followed your line of sight, his eyes landing on Josh laughing with the same girl who's been here for hours.

"Look, if it pisses you off that much, talk to him later. It's not like he's gonna hate you for the rest of his life. He practically loves you to death." You shook your head, taking another drink of your beer. "I'm just- I'm not mad- I'll just never be able to be that person who can just randomly walk up to a person and fall 'in love' with them." You cried. Every time you think about it, you just want to go to bed and hide. "But how come I never end up with people like you or Jake or even sweet people like Danny. Why does it have to be Josh?"

Sam sat up in his chair, turning it back around to face the bar. "Why don't you try it. Maybe you fighting inside that big head of yours really doesn't like Josh after all." Sam said as he cradled your face, shaking it around. "Really?" Sam shrugged. "What's the worse that can happen? If something happens, so be it. Never hurts to try anything."

Sam bent down quickly, kissing you softly. His lips felt smooth against yours like running a hand over pliable silk. He swiftly ran a hand through your hair, pulling your face closer to his. Finally, he pulled away, smiling down at you.

"Nope." you shook your head. "Well hey, at least we know." He patted your shoulder, walking away towards a game of cards being played.

-

The next day you woke up with an intense headache. There was some leftover water and Ibuprofen on your nightstand. You didn't know how you made it back home or really remember anything at all from the night before.

You downed the pill and some water, making your way slowly to the bathroom, balancing yourself on a wall. You turned on the shower letting the hot water settle the uneasiness in your stomach. The pounding inside your head kept going on for what felt like hours. It didn't help either that you were trying so hard to remember the night before. Of course, you knew that you drank more than you could handle. Then there was Sam. But it all stopped there.

The shower helped a little bit. You danced around to find some clothes to get ready, or at least look decent. After getting ready, you drove back to Sam's. When he opened the door, you noticed Jake and Danny were there already. Except for no Josh. Not that it was out of the ordinary, it was just something you expected.

You made your way through his kitchen, pulling out a cigarette. "I don't think you really wanna be smoking that right now." You glared at him before putting the smoke out. "Um, do you remember what happened last night?" You asked, rubbing the small spot on your head in hopes to get rid of the pain. Sam bit into a piece of food, answering with his mouth full. "We kissed. Yeah," he nodded in assurance. "Yeah, we kissed." You let your head fall into your hands, groaning.

"How'd I get home?" Sam hummed, pointing his piece of food at you. "Josh. Although, he seemed pretty pissed at me. You were also super drunk." Right, you thought. Of course, this would happen to you. Partially you blamed yourself for being so stuck-up and bitchy most of the time, but part of you wishes Sam just pushed you away. Why were you so indecisive all the damn time? For once, it would be nice if you could make a whole-hearted decision without going out and fucking everything up.

You scratched around your eye, watching Sam as he went to go sit next to Jake.

4 weeks later. . .

It really had been almost a whole month that you had gone without talking to Josh. Some nights you wish you could pick up your phone and just text him, but you know it would go unnoticed. It hurt just a little bit. Every day you blamed yourself for screwing things up. When was it not your fault that something went wrong?

You sat bored at home. You tried to catch up on different things like laundry, cleaning, reorganizing literally everything, but nothing seemed to work. You muffled curses under your breath at nothing. That was until you got a text from Jake saying that everyone needed your 'strong womanly brain' to work with. Over the four-week period, you hadn't really talked with the other band members except for Danny (who seriously cares for anybody and everything), and Sam who just random stuff.

You flipped through a random magazine, flipping through the pages reading about the different styles and how to flaunt them. That was until a text from Sam disturbed you saying that everyone needed you at the studio ASAP.

You ran to your door faster than ever, quickly putting on your coat and shoes. When you arrived, no one was seen at first, so you went to the back and everyone was gathered around in a large, huddled circle. Jake was the first to greet you, Sam following close behind.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time." Jake towered over you, pulling you into his side. "Yeah, my mom called. Wanted me to go see her." you lied, looking at Sam, who had just turned in the other direction. "Well, I hope she's doing good. Look, I wanted to see your opinion on some things. Just general stuff, okay?" you nodded. He led you back to a table and passed some papers around, and a little CD that had pre-recorded music. Before any of you could speak though, a door creaked loudly, and out came Josh with a petite girl beside him. His smile immediately disappeared when his eyes landed on you.

The girl looked. . . nice. In other words, she looked like a pleasant enough girl Josh would pick from a crowd. She had a tan, rich skin like his. With wavy, brown hair. Unlike Josh, she had more hazel-green eyes. Everyone stood there awkwardly, looking around at each other. You scratched the top of your head, eyes facing down towards the table. Jake cleared his throat before grabbing a seat for Josh, and the girl.

And of course, to make more room they were both seated in between you and Jake, making her sit right next to you. You smiled nervously towards her as she got herself situated. For a while, you stared at the velvet walls as Jake led on the conversation. You felt a little poke on your arm and noticed she was trying to talk to you.

"Hi, I'm Logan," she whispered. The one thing you noticed about Logan was her smile. It reminded you of Josh. His naturally bright teeth could make anyone instantly happier. "Y/N," you said curtly. You weren't the one to start a conversation, but luckily she made it easy.

"So, how do you know Josh?" she asked, pointing to him. You played around with your nails, turning to look at her. "Uh, I work for him," Not 'I'm his best friend or anything. Totally just ruined the relationship I had by kissing his younger brother because I'm really in love with the man your dating' "And them too, of course." you gave a hesitant laugh, pointing to the rest of them. She bit her lip, turning to listen to the conversation, and then back to you.

"How long have you known all of them, or like worked for them I guess?"

"Around three years. This will be my fourth I think." she nodded with your answer. Finally, she turned back around to listen to what Josh was saying.

You looked back down at the disc, swirling it around on the table. This is hard, you thought. It's all you can think about. Logan's so kind towards you; not the weirdly hostile type. She's not annoying, not inconclusive about anything. Logan's perfect in her own way. She's perfect to Josh. Something you've always wanted, but you, yourself stopped you from having.

"So, uh Y/N, can you take a listen to the CD?" Jake asked you. "Yeah. It'll just be a little later though. I have to finish some other stuff." There was silence as everyone stared at you. Including Josh, who seemed to have a permanent look on you.

"I can listen; if you're busy," Logan speaking up caught you by surprise. It may have angered you a bit because that was your job, to listen. You just looked back at Sam anxiously, who shook his head at you.

"Oh, my bad," Josh said loudly. "This is my girlfriend- Logan. Who you have all met before, but not Y/N. Forgot to introduce you two." If everyone hadn't been in the room right now, you would've gotten up and hit him right across the head. Logan kindly smiled back at you. "Yeah, we were talking earlier," She said pointing to you. "Well, as I said, I can listen if you can't."

If it was anybody else, you would've said something back already. But who were you to yell at this kind, beautiful woman next to you? Though, Sam must've read you wrong since quietly grabbed your wrist. "Sure," you said, handing the CD to Logan. Sitting back in your chair, defeated, what else were you supposed to do?

-

Another lousy week passed, and you wanted to jump off a roof. It had been raining for the past few days, never letting up once. No one had really made contact with you except Danny (you secretly loved him to death), and Sam. You were pretty sure the rest had picked up on the tense atmosphere and didn't want to bother you. No doubt, you probably wouldn't want to speak with yourself either.

You shrugged off a sweater, playing with the end of your sheets. Life was so boring now without any entertainment from anyone. You eventually rolled over on your back, staring a hole into the ceiling. You went over every excuse and explanation you could give to Josh. You understood why he was mad, you figured that much. But sometimes you wish he had his smart wisdom back to understand you better.

You fell to the floor sometime later, reading something random off the shelf. You flipped through the pages mindlessly before you heard some knocking at your door. You ran quickly, opening the door to find Sam standing there with bottles of gin and tequila in his hand. Laughing quietly, you led him inside, finding some bottles for drinks.

"What brings you around?" you raised your eyebrows, pouring some tequila for you and Sam. "Josh," he cleared his throat, taking a few sips. "What about Josh?" Trying to hold your breath, made you curious as to why Josh's younger brother was so angry at him. In fact, you wanted to burst out laughing. "He's so stubborn with everything, and the way he talks about you. God- it's like- I've never seen so much hatred from him." Sam shook his head downing the rest of his drink. He poured some more in his cup and your cup.

You took Sam's hand leading him to your room. You put on Labi Siffre, an old, classic album. You also turned on one of your dim colored lights. They lit up Sam's cheekbones perfectly, making his pale skin glow flawlessly. It looked smooth enough to run a finger over and feel the gentle, velvety skin of Sam.

"How does he talk about me?" Sam closed his eyes, thinking. "He just doesn't let go of the subject. Anytime you or I come up, it's just this rage of fury from him. He almost shuts down essentially. You know," he burped. "They all went out tonight."

You hummed at that. "They all went out, leaving behind you and me." You scoffed at the thought of Josh with Logan at your favorite bar or restaurant. "I'm so sorry Sam." You rubbed his arm, looking down at the floor next to your bed. "That was you and your brother's relationship, and I just," you flicked your hands, making a whoosh sound. Sam laughed, leaning into your side. "Don't worry about it. I like helping you out. Josh can be a little much sometimes."

You elbowed him in the side thinking about something. "Hey whatever happened to the girl from the music shop? You ever talk to her lately?"

"Yeah," he huffed out. "We've been talking lately. She wants to meet up sometime soon, but I don't know." You cocked your head to the side. "Why not. You clearly like her and she really likes you. I don't remember when the last time some actually liked you." Sam pretended he was hurt, pushing you to the side. "I'll ask her sometime when I'm not busy. She's nice."

"And pretty?" you questioned. Sam let out a laugh, swirling the alcohol in his cup. "Very pretty." You both let out sighs sitting in comfortable silence. Although, your mind was occupied with thoughts of Josh, swirling around and never-ending. There were times you just wanted to get up and say fuck it and try to at least explain. But of course, the rejection of him never wanting to be your friend again would kill you. Maybe this was the universe's cruel way of saying you and Josh were never meant to be together in the first place.

If so, you hated it.

-

Surprisingly, Sam was the first to wake up. Which rarely happens considering how well you knew him. The poor boy slept through everything. He started shaking you awake, poking and tickling your sides. "Are you dead, jeez?" You quickly rubbed your eyes, sitting up. "Sorry, the alcohol must've really knocked me out." Sam stifled a yawn, sitting on the edge of your bed. "Well, we can do one of two things today," he noted. "We can either go to the studio and face my brother, or we can- do nothing else. That's really it. I kind of swore I would be there today."

You couldn't stay inside any longer. You decided against the greater good to tag along with Sam. Maybe you could talk with Josh, and clear the air. "Can I go with you?" Sam nodded feverishly. "Of course; that's like your job."

"It doesn't feel like it. Logan's pretty much taking over, so what's the point of me." You scoffed thinking of the mellow girl who seemed to get along with everyone. You hated to slander her, but you just wanted Josh back. You and Sam left in a rush, hastily driving to the studio. You walked inside with a cigarette dangling from your lips, smoke escaping through your nose. Sweat seeped from your palms making you excited and nervous at the same time. You felt like an outsider coming in on your job. Thinking about seeing Josh made it worse.

"Hello, Hello Y/N" Danny strutted over, hairs sticking to his forehead. He pulled you in for a tight hug, nearly suffocating you. "Hey, Daniel." you moved the hairs around his face so you could see him better. "Long time, no see, man." He laughed walking back to his seat behind the drum kit. You followed Sam to the other rooms where Jake and Josh might be hiding. Sure enough, Josh was standing next to his twin, listening to a riff he was playing. They immediately stopped talking to each other. Josh scoffed at you as Sam led you inside, beside him.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" Josh said it lowly, spitting it towards you. Your eyes looked down, not daring to ever lookup. "Hey Josh," Sam patted him on the shoulder. You looked awkwardly around the room looking for a means to escape. When you realized there wasn't one, you looked back at Josh. He quietly talked to Jake about something before turning to you. You tried to look away fast enough, but his eyes caught yours. Josh started to stalk close to you, exhaling a breath. "Hey," you thought he might've not heard you, but his response caught you off guard.

"Hey, Y/N" He sniffled a little bit before turning towards you. "Care to take a walk with me? Could use some fresh air." You nodded your head silently, following after him. If your anxiety hadn't kicked in yet, it sure as hell did now. Josh was never a person to scare you. He was too light and giddy for him to be somewhat freighting.

He walked slightly behind you with a hand on the small of your back. Josh eventually let go of you when you both made it to the sidewalk. The people around you made the silence slightly more comfortable but you wished you had something to think about other than Josh. After a few more moments of silence, you decided to speak up, but Josh beat you to it. "I'm sorry for being an ass," he cleared it all out on one breath. You scoffed at him. "I think you were being more than an ass, Josh." He suddenly slowed his walking to match your pace.

"You pretty much left me in the wind. I thought I lost my best friend," you nudged him softly in the ribcage, laughing. He held a hand over his chest, heaving out a relieved breath. "I thought you were going to hate me forever." You pointed at him before saying: "Pull anything like that again, and I'll do more than just hate you forever."

Josh held his hands up abruptly like you had caught him stealing something. "I promise." You smirked. The both of you walked around endlessly making small talk here and there. Part of you was glad that you and Josh had cleared the air. Although, you hadn't really talked with him about Sam. It embarrassed you just thinking about the whole situation.

After you made a full round of the streets, Josh walked you back inside the studio. It was hours before anyone ever got to go home. The moon had fully risen and was shining brightly in the sky. You stared up like a child, holding on tightly to your coat. When you were making your way towards Sam's car Josh had grabbed you by the elbow.

"Y/N," Josh fiddled around with the collar of his jacket, looking down at the concrete. Even though it was pitch black outside, you could tell Josh's face was heating up. "I was wondering if you wanted to come back with me? I know Sam was taking you home, but I still feel like we need to talk." A small smile started to quickly form. You nodded not thinking about the harm that could come from staying with Josh.

"Yeah, sure." you let a hesitant sigh before following him once more. When you arrived inside Josh's home it felt almost foreign. There were slightly disheveled things around, but nothing had really changed. It still had all the same scattered records on the coffee table as well as random books set around the countertops. Josh flipped on the light switch and went towards the kitchen. He came back out and handed you a cup of water before taking off his coat.

"I know, it's been a long time since we spoke," he started. "or even hung out together."

You nodded, sipping some of the water. "Yeah, I kind of missed that."

-

After you and Josh got situated, he led you back to his room. There was a dim lamp, along with some new fairy lights scattered around the ceiling. "Fairy lights?" You pointed to the little bulbs sparkling brightly. "Oh, yeah," Josh was picking out a record, finally placing it on the player. It was an album you hadn't heard before, but it seemed to fit the mood well enough. Looking around for a little bit longer you come to find some old pictures on the floor. Squatting down, you noticed they were photos of his brothers and Daniel when they were younger. But what really caught your attention was a stack neatly dedicated to you.

Some of the photos had showcased some of you and Josh's late adventures, and the concerts you had appeared to. One in particular in which Josh had his arms wrapped around your middle, seated around a bonfire. That was a night you remember very clearly. That was when you realized how much you loved Josh. He never left your side and coddled you close to him. The memory warmed your heart making it beat a tiny bit faster.

"That was a very hot summer night if I remember correctly." Josh peered over your shoulder, studying the picture. "Yeah, it was. Then I passed out inside the van right after that," you laughed loudly, tossing your head back. Running a finger over your face in the picture still reminiscing on the sweet memory, you could feel Josh watching you from across the room.

"Can you come up here for a sec?" Josh patted his mattress, motioning to you. You could tell he was nervous still when he started to fumble around with his nails, not making much eye contact. "Do you remember when I asked you why you envied me so much?" He let out a slow breath, nudging you a little bit with his elbow. You realized the change in the situation and started to mirror his nervous tics.

"Yeah, I just- wish I could carry myself like you. You're always the most confident person in the room; you know things Josh that no one could ever know." The two of you sat in silence for a little bit after you answered. Josh hesitated before speaking again but continued on after pondering for a bit. "Well, I never felt that way around you. For the longest time, I would beat myself up just thinking about how wonderful you are Y/N. The way you think of me is how I always thought of you. Just not as confident because of how quiet you are sometimes." He laughed out the last part making you smile back.

"God, sometimes I just want to cry because of how amazing you are Y/N. Everything you've done for this band, everything you've done for me; I just - I love you." You slowly turned your head to look at Josh, replaying the words over and over again in your head.

He loves you.

"I'm going to assume you mean in it in that way Josh or this would be very embarrassing." Josh snickered, putting both hands on the side of your face. "I mean it in every way possible." He finally pressed his lips to yours, feeling the velvet touch of each other. Josh ran his fingers through your hair, pressing his tongue in an open-mouthed kiss. You moaned quietly when he started to press kisses along your jaw, down to your neck. You could feel his hands start to travel down to your waist, hugging you tightly as it showed in the picture.

Josh continued to bite down on your skin and sucked, leaving bright red marks behind. His fingers squeezed down on your hips before traveling under your shirt. He placed a knee between your legs, pushing you further into the mattress. You looked at each other momentarily as Josh slipped you out of your shirt. He ran his hands over your stomach making you flinch at the sudden touch.

"Josh," His name came out as a whine as Josh slipped off your bra, throwing it towards the floor. You caught the look of awe when his eyes landed on your breasts, your chest heaving slightly. He returned to kissing down your neck making his way down your collar bone. Your hands made their way to his hair, tugging at it when his mouth made contact with your nipple.

He sucked gently, swirling his tongue around the hardened bud. All you could think about was the euphoric thoughts running through your brain. All you could see were stars, showing up in random directions making you lost in the feeling. Josh continued for a while before slowly traveling down to your legs.

Josh looked at you for approval, to which you vaguely nodded in return, before pulling off your pants. You shuddered at the delicate touch of his fingers ghosting along your skin. His hands traveled back up your calves, pressing at your thighs. The room suddenly became too hot as his fingers wrapped around the strap of your underwear, pulling them down your legs. Your breathing was so ragged by now that you thought Josh might've pointed it out already, but he continued to stare down at you with the most mesmerizing look in his eyes. You knew at this point if this had been anyone else, you probably would've wanted to hide under the bed. Something so comforting about Josh made it feel natural to in his grasps.

Josh started down at your ankles, pressing hard kisses up your legs. He hovered over your pelvis just before kissing around your clit. Your legs immediately started to close at the feeling, but his hand pushed them back farther. "Josh, oh my god!" You moaned out into nothing. He continued sucking hard on your clit making the stars in your head come closer to earth.

"Josh, please," Your hands pulled at his curls as he lapped around your center. "You're so fucking wet for me Y/N. Jesus," He moaned into your heat making you squirm on the bed.

"Please Josh, use your fingers, please." You whined mercilessly at the thought of coming around his fingers. It wasn't long before you felt two fingers drag inside of you, along with the feeling of him sucking your clit. You could feel yourself getting nearer to your orgasm as he curled his fingers against your g-spot. "Josh, don't fucking stop!"

At the perfect moment, everything seemed to fall apart in the most beautiful way. You leaned your head back into the pillow as your vision turned white with little black dots appearing randomly. Josh's breath fanned over your heat before he stood up to take off some of his clothes.

"Can't really have sex if I'm still dressed like I'm going to fucking prom or something, Jesus." You giggled loudly while you watched him crawl back over you. Josh pressed a soft kiss to your lips, grinding his hips against you. Your hand slowly ran over his chest, grabbing onto his belt. You fumbled around until you managed to get it undone along with his pants. Josh stared at your face, admiring your features. "I don't think I'll be able to take you seriously for much longer if you don't do something," you whispered.

"Oh yeah?" Josh raised an eyebrow, smiling at you. You slowly reached past his briefs making contact with his hard-on, causing him to moan quietly and start kissing you again.

"Uh, I don't think I have any condoms on me; I didn't really envision fucking you tonight." You smirked, wrapping your arms around his neck. "It's okay. I'm on the pill." You pulled his underwear down, hiking your legs around his hips loosely. You could feel yourself getting wetter as he passively rolled his forefinger over your clit. You kissed him hard, sucking on his tongue. "Fuck me, please," you begged. Josh looked deeply into your eyes, then grabbing your legs and wrapping them around his hips, tightly. He teased you, rubbing himself up and down your center.

You exhaled as he entered you, wrapping a hand around his bicep to steady yourself. Josh's head fell into your neck, feeling his warm breath as he trusted in slowly. He lifted his head to kiss you; He used his hand to move the hairs out of your face, wrapping it around your cranium. "You are so- prepossessing." He whispered, his thrust becoming faster.

Your nails dug into his shoulder blades after he set such a brutal pace that you didn't think you'd be able to keep up with. You took note of how his curls stuck to his forehead. Whenever he thrust in, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer. His thrust started to shake the bed only spurring you on more. Your hands grabbed at his torso, holding onto him tightly.

"Josh," you breathed out, words lost as they left your mouth. "Don't stop." Josh looked between your bodies as they pressed together. He thrust in deep, pressing you into the bed further. You cursed under your breath, trying to hold back the moans only releasing small high-pitched whines. Your head fell back against the pillow, all the tension releasing your body slowly. "Fuck," Josh moaned into your collarbone. He tightened his grip on your thigh, quickening his thrusts.

You ran your fingers along the nape of his neck, feeling the little hairs stick to his body. Josh moaned, feeling him cum deep inside you. His head fell into your neck as you both tried to catch your breath. Josh smiled, pressing kisses to your chest before laying down next to you.

"Fuck you're amazing," Josh mumbled into your ear. He wrapped an arm around your shoulder pulling your head to his chest. His hands ran down your arm, squeezing the tiny bit of flesh. "Tell me something I don't already know Joshua." You flipped over onto your side, Josh following in pursuit. He tightened his arm once more around your stomach this time. He pressed small kisses along your shoulder, laying his face into your hair.

"I love you," He mumbled.

"I love you too." You placed your hand over his, peace finding you easy tonight.

-

When you woke up the next morning, Josh still had you in his arms, snoring softly. Like you, he liked to get up when it was still dark out, but given last night you couldn't blame either of yourselves for wanting to sleep in. Josh woke up sometime after, pressing small kisses into the nape of your neck down to your shoulder blades.

"Good morning," he said quietly, wrapping his legs around yours, pulling his body closer to yours.

"Morning Josh." You closed your eyes allowing the quiet of the room to comfort you. It seemed pretty peaceful outside, from what you could hear at least. But your mind was running a thousand miles a minute. How did a three-year friendship change so drastically? If someone told you that three years later you'd be sleeping with Josh, you probably start cursing them out at the bare minimum. Josh infuriated you at the beginning, but what changed that you couldn't get enough? Maybe it was his style? Everyone loves Josh's style. He doesn't really care what goes together, as long as it fits him and his outrageous personality. Speaking of which, Josh's personality was unspoken of. People turned heads when he walked through doors because he was always the life of the party. Normal people just naturally gravitate towards him. Heck, you couldn't even keep up the 'holding a grudge' façade for too long because Josh helped you. Maybe you thanked him for that instead.

"I think we need to get up," you said, patting his hand. He protested that you two keep sleeping longer because it's too early. "Josh it's like," you squinted your eyes towards the clock. "Nine am." You yelled, pushing his arm of you.

You ran into the bathroom to pee before jumping in the shower. After taking some time cleaning yourself and changing into something more comfortable (which ended up being one of Josh's old college sweatshirts because he insisted you looked really good in them) you both left to the studio. Of course, the first one to greet you was your favorite out of the four, Daniel. After he finished talking with Josh, he led the both of you to a back room. It was a large decorated room that you hadn't really been in much. The walls were in stripes of inverted red along with carpet having a velvet touch to it. Plaques labeled the wall with other types of scandalous music art.

Jake and Sam walked in together already arguing about something. "Lookey here," Jake pulled you into a side hug, and Sam passed you a drink. "I thought my smoking habits were bad, but drinking at ten in the morning?" you tutted Sam away from you, taking a seat at a large table. "It helps me think more clearly."

Josh took a seat next to you, placing a hand on your thigh. "Hey, you never showed me the finish drawing for your clothing ideas." You raised your eyebrows and said: "I wonder why." You cocked your head to the side, and Josh frowned at you. Snickering to yourself, you handed him a sketchbook. "These are- really good, Y/N. I forgot you could draw so well." You doodled around the paper of a sketched-out Josh in what would be fashion attire for next year. "One of my many hobbies."

He patted your leg before turning his attention to his twin. Sam waltzed over to your side, a cigarette hanging from his lips. "Is that my brother's sweatshirt?" You glared at him before answering a subtle yes. Sam gasped in a fake manner, holding a hand across his heart.

"Are you two in love with each other finally?" Sam laughed at you giving him a side-eye. "Good. you make Josh happy." Content with that, he left to go sit next to Danny. You played around with the drawing some more, later on, moving to a computer to work there. Everyone left you alone to go play in another room which seems to help numb the background noise. Though, it didn't last long until Josh walked through the door. He strutted over to you, rubbing a hand on your back before sitting down.

"How's it goin' in there?" You closed the laptop, turning your attention towards him. Josh talked about how everything's coming along nicely, and Jake is stubborn about everything or how Sam is always messing up. You hummed, following along. Not that you would ever tell Josh, but sometimes you never would really listen to what he was saying, but you loved to watch his hand movements or the expressions on his face. It added to his character. "I meant to ask you some time ago, but uh- whatever happened to Logan?" Josh immediately froze, looking down to the floor like a scolded puppy.

"I told her I would talk to her later this week." You shook your head, crossing your arms. "What?"

"Nothing; I was just thinking we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me oodling with your brother." Josh laughed at your choice of words, placing his hand softly on yours. "I think it was both us Y/N."

'Well, in my defense Sam is kind of hot now that I think about it." Josh slapped your shoulder. "Mmmm, you're right Sam does have that 'sense' to him." Time seemed to fly by the five of you, constantly arguing, laughing, or just goofing off with each other. It felt good to be back with everybody, and not walking around on eggshells. Sometimes the moment was so pleasant, you never wanted it to end.

-

It was eerily quiet when you walked inside Josh's home. It was nighttime, and the moon was full, shining brightly through the curtains. "Don't you ever wish you could see the stars?" Josh asked randomly.

"Light pollution man," He mumbled out, yeah, heading towards his bedroom. You peeked outside the window one more time, catching a glimpse of the clouds in the sky. Josh had changed into some comfier clothing and slid under the covers. You followed in pursuit, still wearing his old college t-shirt. "Where do you think we'll be in ten years?" The question had taken you by surprise. You knew he had a tendency to think a lot about the future, which was kind of admirable, but you had a hard time figuring out what the future would hold for you.

"That's hard to tell; Not unless I kill you first, but uh, I think we'll still be together, and so will the band. I guess it's just up to the rest of us." Josh hummed at your input. He flipped over on his side to look at you. "I hope we're together forever." Your face started to blush, although you doubt Josh could see, this time you wished he did.

"Me too." Your voice came out with full confidence knowing every ounce of you could never let him go. "Hey, do you think you'd ever let me wear your outfits after this next tour? They're kind of stylish if I say so myself." Josh laughed out loud. "I don't think they'd fit you, honey." You scoffed, pouting.

"Josh, I hate to break it to you but you're not that big." A playful laugh escaped your mouth while you pinched his arm. He pushed you back in return. "I meant your height." He shook his head. You turned around, allowing Josh to trap you in his arms.

"I hope I get to see you in heaven. If there is one." The sound of his voice made you want to cry. It was soft whisper that it felt so delicate at this moment.

"I think if you've seen me then, you will see me forever."

[kens-double-sunglasses]

Being their sibling, warning I'm an older sibling. Those are gonna get so much more

Riddle - Younger

Not close at all

Where he was moms perfect little puppet, you were probably glued to your dad or doing your own thing

I hope your magic isn't as strong or stronger than Riddle's

Because that would be a new circle of hell

You're the chill sibling

He gives Isabella while you give Mirabel

Probably sat down and talked out y'all's issues over break after he overblotted and hopes that you two can become closer if/when you get into NRC

Plot twist: You're accepted to RSA (because you'd be the white Queen to his red Queen. Thanks Tim Burton Alice in wonderland for making the queen of hearts the red queen)

Trey - Younger

Babies you

Like, y'all're full grown adults and he's still coddling you

But, as compensation you get a lot of sweets

This only works out fot you if you like sweets

Otherwise? RIP

Shuts down any arguments you two come close to having very quickly

Idk why, I feel like he'd come off as very condescending to any sibling who isn't 10 or under

Like, you can drive and he's gentle parenting you

He means well, but he'll never stop seeing you as a kid. No matter how close in age you are

Cater - Older twin

This man radiates twin energy to me

Probably because he feels a need to stand out to a degree

Makes his magicam fame wishes and his backstory a little sadder if he's a part of a matching set

You guys wore matching outfits all the time as kids

You were probably taking one for the team pretty often when dealing with your sisters

Whether you enjoyed it or not, Cater probably threw you under the bus a couple of times

If you didn't enjoy it, you probably felt a responsibility to look after him. You may only be older by a few minutes, but you're still his older brother/sister/sibling

If you enjoyed it? No harm, no foul

He needed a break, okay?!

Deuce - Older

Protective as all holy hell, even if you're older

Ace made eye contact with you once and Deuce immediately pushed him out of his chair

You've probably had to put up with some serious bullshit because of his former reputation as a delinquent

If you can't jump Deuce? Jump his older, probably not a delinquent Sister/Brother/Sibling

Jokes on them. Where do you think Deuce learned to fight? (Also you're a former delinquent, the egg doesn't roll far from the nest)

Even when he was a delinquent, he was always mooching off of you

Still kinda does, but that's more habits between you two

You probably kept a lot of things from him, because it was nice for him to have some wonder in his life

Like brown cows not making chocolate milk

AND about how eggs work

If y'all celebrate secular Christmas or Easter, you probably kept the holiday magic alive for him too

Like, you would sneak out of your room at 2 AM and make it look like the holiday icon actually stopped by

Refuses to argue with you

You're his replacement for his father

Regardless of gender or sex

While he doesn't want to make his mom sad ever again, he's always wanted to make you proud

Ace - Older

He has definitely given an authority figure your phone number when they asked for your parents'

"I'm going to smother you in your sleep"

"If you do that, who's gonna call you out of school a week early for spring break because some imaginary family member died?"

If you go to NRC too, you're probably harder on him than Riddle is, regardless of your dorm

Partially because he's a dick.

Also because y'all live in a society and he needs to learn

Also because only you get to bully him and when you do, you're getting him back for ALL his bullshit over the years

You two hurt eachothers feelings all the time

...but you never actually apologize, it just kinda festers until it boils over

"I heard you made a deal with Azul, what did I tell you about him?"

"Stop acting like you know everything, you aren't perfect! I wish [insert classmate here] was my older brother instead of you!"

"Oh yeah? Well at least then, [older brother name] and I wouldn't have to cover for your ass all the time! Take some responsibility for once in your life!"

And then you both go to your rooms pissed off

And don't talk for a week

I hope you're good at apologizing first

Because he will not

Because he is not only a dick, but the baby of the family

[theblognobodyfoundlastyear]

Maybe the days really aren't that -- Okay, it is really that bad...

I'll let you in on a little secret here: We're getting older. Well, not a secret per se, but for those in the know, you'd know what I'm referring to specifically. I suppose for the general audience out there, if one still exists, you might have noticed me looking tired and/or sadder than usual. Don't be alarmed, it's nothing like that. But I do wonder whether I can truly hold onto the ideals of yesteryear, to continue goofing around "while we were young".

One might suppose it's rare to to be this introspective during one of those life stage shifts. Granted, we haven't really cared too much about making it to the next level in one piece, but this time, things are different and more than in just the usual ways. Namely: Cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, paying for various life expenses, looking after one's own health, getting private health insurance, and the works. I mean, I didn't sign up for this malarkey! If I put on my tinfoil hat, I might as well say that a certain someone has been throwing me under the bus all this time. Or, more probably, I just didn't care enough to prepare for this tectonic shift.

For some reason, I'm reminded of these poetic lines from yonder:

Everything stays right where you left it Everything stays But it still changes Ever so slightly, daily and nightly In little ways, when everything stays

And perhaps that's the way it goes: Things changing to some small, possibly even irrelevant degree. But adding up the total change over time, and you've got a transition into a new era. Is it possible to keep up with the times such that this shouldn't be a surprise? If only we'd been more risky in the sense of pursuing change (to even "seek discomfort", as one might put it), things might have turned out differently. And even now, taking a risk of that extent is now too costly. Suffice to say, you've done goofed, bucko.

Okay, so we've donked up big time, not only making the least of our "youth" but also managing to mess up every major opportunity so far. We've barely any real life skills, our finances are going down the drain just trying to stay alive these days and this is allegedly the peak of "adulthood". Well, it's only downhill from here... The optimist would always say that there's ample opportunity to get right, even when it might seem to late. I would rather think that my own unhappiness being the backbone of everyone else's joy is the only thing that's keeping the midnight oil burning these days. Of course, that could be an outright delusion of me projecting my failings onto others, but would you know any better?

Then suppose a change of heart is possible, even this late in the game: Of what value is pursuing this change? For the result would be sub-optimal compared if such an initiative were pursued earlier on, so are the gains truly worth it? Madly scrambling for one's happiness seems like such a middle-age thing to do. Almost as if we were destined to go down this long road that leads nowhere.

Not to mention, we can always double down on our poor life decisions, knowing full well we're living the sub-optimal life but always being content knowing "that's just the way it's going to be, little darlin'". To be fair, we did give that a chance (as evident on this blog, I suppose) and look where it got us: nowhere. To that end, pursuing for the things one has regrettably passed over, knowing full well that the end result will be a sub-optimal gain as well as the fact that odds are progressively stacked up against this endeavour, may very well be our saving grace in this dog-eat-dog world.

So maybe there is some hope for us after all? Don't get too optimistic, you know what we're like when it comes to actioning crucial life-changing measures (i.e. negligent).

'Til next time, young padawan.

Not surprisingly, change is amplified the older you get. So, in theory, staging all changes until the end is bound to produce the largest (positive and negative) gains, right?

[abombihoney]

i hope you're happy, because you managed to make EVERYONE cry

that is such a sad idea! like, knowing how the only cordy that has the memories of the host still has some gaps there and there means that vi may end up forgetting things. what would be worse is that she may forget some things she did together with the team. even worse: maybe the cordy will also forget things which, you know, is BAD in a way. like, it may end up forgetting more important things.

tho, this really shows how she's also kind. like yeah, she uses bravado and anger to deal with her emotions, but that doesn't mean she's completely bad! she's just a teen after all (which also makes the situation sadder, since of course everyone would assume that she is lying; she's just a child! no one really believes a child, they are easy to manipulate. like, she is NOT lying but nobody believes her. the fact that she ends up in such a bad situation is horrible, since no child should fear the people that were close to her. of course she can't see the queen like a kind being anymore; she doesn't understand that she KNOWS. she KNOWS what she's saying, so of course vi would feel betrayed; no one takes her seriously)

tbh i also really like how you made crow be the one who helps them in escaping. it's a nice touch, considering that the team comments on how she seems to be overworked. she could have easily overheard the discussion (since it's a tattle) which was a sign for her that hey, someone cares a little for her.

(btw, you're working on a fic? that's awesome! also sorry for this whole dump! i'm very interested) - mothposts (i'm on mobile so i can't send an ask from my account)

Good! If I had to cry so did everyone else!!!!

on the memory thing: :)

Yeah nobody ever believes kids or teenagers about anything, I remember how much that pissed me off as a kid. I never could understand why I would have to explain myself about w/e, if the adult in question had already made up their mind, but was just hearing me out "to be fair" or some bs.

which as an adult now, there is a degree of "oh this is teenage emotions/oh yeah they're a teen. teens just be like that." Teenagers are very emotional, they lash out A Lot.

The teenage years are when you start learning all sorts of shit. You learn that adults don't actaully know everything, they probably don't know much more than you. Teenagers are really getting into the concept their own personal morals and ethics, every single small issue seems huge to them! This is the first time they're dealing with stuff in a context more complex than "following the rules is good, otherwise is bad."

anyway, kids aren't stupid. adults just tend to get up their own asses so much that they forget kids are just inexperienced people. Have you ever heard of baby powder effect? i think its called?

it's the concept that someone who changed your diapers is never going to take you seriously. anyone who knew you when you were just a baby are never going to see you as fully functioning adult, and worse, as an adult of equal standing. I'm sure that when you are the mother of your entire kingdom, you might have a problem with listening to your subjects.

Yes with crow it's also that she is the assistant to the head scientist. you don't see someone you know play card with occasionally get vivisected and just, go on with your day.

i have Thoughts on Kabbu and Jaune :)

Yes! the fic i'm working on is actually just fleshing out these concepts! I'm just adding narration, concrete series of events, and slighter better drawings. I already have seven chapters outlined lol.

[kitkatopinions]

I'm aware of the cross tagging from FNDM in rwde since sometimes I look in it at times, but I think what irks me is about Adam.

The guy is already dead and FNDM just can't let go that anyone that are fans of him just have to shove in there face "See? See? He's ALWAYS been emotional abusive since the beginning, you guys are abuse apologist!" He was charismatic in a degree because he had a lot of loyal followers, and if I remember correctly didn't he not give a shit Blake was in Beacon? Why is the FNDM so keen on people that don't agree with them? It's such a waste of time.

The Adam topic is honestly a... Hard one, with a lot of layers. I fully believe he was always meant to be Blake’s abuser and a plain straight villain. But he used to be a much more nuanced character, who let her go and focused on his own goals. He got coerced - yes, full on coerced - into joining Cinder’s plan, but seemed to lean into it and wanted to use it to his advantage. In season three, he delved into much worse territory, stabbing Blake, trying to cut off her head, and maiming Yang. This obviously ought to be considered evil. But he still let Blake run away and continued doing his job rather than chasing her down and killing her and Yang, clearly implying that he cared about a lot more than just Blake.

The treatment of the faunus/racism allegory really damages all of their Faunus characters in the first five season minus maybe Velvet. Adam was no exception to this. He should’ve been a very different character than what we got even in seasons 1-3 because he was a strong voice in their only pro-Faunus rights activist group, and seemingly a leader of one of the branches. CRWBY never should’ve made the only pro-Faunus rights activist group in their story a violent terrorist group that wanted to destroy peace and take out white people non faunus. And one of the leaders of that group being an abuser and a total monster? Not a cute look. That feels like straight up propaganda. Especially after revealing Adam’s brand mark, and dropping details about him being a slave in songs and outside content.

And then the writing staff decided to take a character who seemed to care for his cause and care for his people (he rejected Cinder’s offer for him to join them because it would do nothing for the Faunus, and then only agreed when she threatened his people,) and they stripped him of those two good traits and made him act as though he’d only ever been using the White Fang for power and to get at Blake. He stalked her for days (when he’d willingly let her get away without following two times before,) and he turned into nothing more than an abusive ex. I got tripped up enough on RT’s terrible to choice to make him such a monster in the first place, but stripping him of the few good points he did have just to... Make Blake sadder, maybe? Make him seem less sympathetic? That sucked. And if they were going for trying to make Adam less sympathetic, they shouldn’t have freaking showed us the SDC logo burned into his face! There’s nothing satisfying about watching an oppressed former child slave and allegory to people of color, with a company logo branded onto his face, get murdered due to no real fault from the heroes and die alone after having his character reduced to ‘abusive ex’ by careless white writers who just last season had been shoving ‘people of color should stop hurting themselves and just prove they’ll defend white people from other people of color and then they’ll earn respect’ into their narrative. 

Honestly, I’m not an Adam stan. His character didn’t get a lot (and his voice acting wasn’t the best tbh,) and the character he did have was largely unlikable to me personally. The reason for that is the writers’ miserable failure of an allegory that came across as very propaganda-ish and white comfort driven, but I’ve just never really... Liked him all that much. However, a lot of people saw potential in Adam, and liked who he could’ve been a lot. And there were other people who liked Adam as a villain. Both of those things are perfectly valid. I don’t know much about the Adam stan community, but I personally have never once seen anyone in the RWDE tags excusing Adam’s actions in the show or trying to say they were alright. What I have seen is people acknowledging that Adam’s character was severely mishandled, or writing their own, new versions of Adam’s character where they try to handle him well or treat the topics at hand with more respect than the writers did. Other people literally just acknowledge Adam’s pain, and that’s totally valid too.

I’ve dealt with crosstagging in other fandoms and pro tags getting lots of anti people invading and trying to pick fights. And even main character tags, people should realize are going to be used by people who enjoy the character, and attacking them for it or commenting on their posts to try and get a reaction is mad annoying. Antis should use filterable tags. RWBY megafans are always getting mad at RWDE posters if they so much as use the main tag even if they have a drove of filterables, but they refuse to use any proper tags themselves. It can be so frustrating when you’re just trying to share content about a character you like with other people who like that character, and you get people coming into your comments going ‘you know they did A right?’ ‘you know they’re a bad person, right?’ ‘Oh so you love (insert immoral thing here)?!?!’

It’s honestly toxic. Adam - the character - did horrible things no one should excuse. But A. He did those things because he was written to do them, and people ought to be able to look at that writing and see how it’s harmful. And B. Liking a character is not approval of all of their actions. People can stan villains. There are Joker stans and Tom Riddle stans and freaking Moriarty from Sherlock lovers, I think RWBY fans should be able to get past Adam stans. And C. Softening characters for your own personal headcanons is a-okay, and shouldn’t be something you get attacked for. This is especially important to remember in characters that you look at and say ‘this should’ve been done differently because the character they did give us is insulting or a bad portrayal.’ It’s easy to become attached to characters you think were done dirty by their clearly biased writers. I have a long string of characters I just write different in fan fiction, because I got mad at how they were handled, for all sorts of fandoms. People need to understand that not everyone is going to see RWBY and the RWBY characters exactly how they see them. People have different favorites and different interpretations, and even if that interpretation isn’t one hundred percent right in canon, well guess what? Canon isn’t king, people have every right to headcanon whatever they want.

You got me ranting. XD But yeah, I personally think RWBY fans should leave Adam fans alone, so long as they aren’t hurting anyone. Obviously, I don’t know all the details, but yeah. I’m a firm believer in the benefits of ‘pro’ and ‘anti’ tags for character content. I’ve been trying to use ‘pro Ironwood’ for instance in mine. I know it wouldn’t get rid of all the antis, but it’s worth a shot.

And the amount of RWBY megafans who literally go to the RWDE tag and look at posts specifically tagged and marked as anti rwby eight ways to sunday just to pick fights... Astronomical. People who don’t like to see it should filter it out and make their (and our!) experiences much better.

So... Those are my thoughts on that.

[hahahax30]

Thinking about the future sometimes gives me so much anxiety. The future is just shrouded in uncertainty: I don't know if I'll be able to get good enough grades to get into the university I like, I don't know if I'll like the degree I've clutched onto for two years now, I don't know if I'll be able to get a job that concerns said degree, I don't know if I'll be good at my job, I don't know if I'll like my job, I don't know which people I'll be with nine months from now. It's all just strings of 'I don't knows' one after the other.

Right now, I don't even know if all my hard work at school will pay off. Because I may get good grades, I may be that one student who does not complain and pays attention to the teacher. But I'm also very shy, and I really struggle speaking up about myself and those are things I know I will need in the future. And I don't have them, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to loosen up around the concept of just speaking because I may be intelligent but what's the point of intelligence if you're not able to do anything with it?

This is my inferiority complex speaking, but I just feel so little in front of most people. Because other people are comfortable speaking their minds when I have struggled with speaking ever since I was very little, because other people can take criticism and argue against it when criticism towards myself feels like being drowned in scalding water, because other people can speak about their needs when I feel like I'm too selfish to even think about asking something of another person. And I don't even know what the point of this was but I'm just feeling kinda shitty and sad right now and I miss someone very important to me so I'm even sadder.

[margridarnauds]

Hey there loving your blog! If I'm not imposing too much, can you talk about tohobeth? Any version and anything at all!

I ALWAYS have time to talk Tohobeth. Since I feel like it would be unfair to talk about productions I haven’t personally seen, I’m going to keep my discussion mainly to the 2015-2016 production, since I have the DVD on it. My views on it aren’t as solid as they are on, say, 1789 or MA, mainly because, somewhat embarrassingly, I only got my DVD AFTER I left the States, with my mom scanning the files in and sending them on to me via GDrives. And, with my Master’s program....well. I’ve not been able to watch it anywhere near to where I usually do before forming hard opinions. (Generally speaking, it takes about....six months or so for me to REALLY settle into my opinions, though, as you can see re: Lady Bess, there are a few times where my opinions are still variable after years.) 

It’s a fact well known at this point that I’m not the biggest Hanafusa Mari fan in the world, and it’s also a fact that she was recorded as Elisabeth twice, as opposed to Hana Ranno, who was double-cast in the role with her, getting a DVD of her own. Was I happy about this? No. Whenever I see Hana Ranno footage on Youtube, I feel this sort of ache in my chest because I REALLY would have loved to see her Toho Elisabeth. Maybe she wouldn’t have been a personal fave, maybe I would have actively hated her performance, but as it is, she’s acquired a semi-mythical significance to me now as The One That Fell Into Oblivion. 

Such a pity she couldn’t show up on the DVD. Such a pity. 

Part of why I’m so scathing, of course, is that I tend to REALLY like getting both casts so that I can see the differences between performers, and, with a musical called “Elisabeth” that obviously has Elisabeth as a protagonist...it can almost feel like getting half of what I normally get. It’s still good, I still do recommend the DVD, obviously, but also if I could go back in time to talk to some Toho execs and be like “Look, guys.....record both Sisis.” 

Now, I come not to bury Hanafusa Mari, but to praise Tohobeth, so I won’t be too far on the attack here especially since, to be perfectly fair, I feel like Elisabeth is the single best Toho performance of hers I’ve seen (between Mozart, Lady Bess, Marie Antoinette, and Elisabeth). She’s been playing the role since 1996, so she has very much fine-tuned her interpretation at this point, and there are MANY people who feel like she’s the definitive Japanese Elisabeth. This is the role, more than any other single role, that made her a legend in the industry. I personally feel like she REALLY starts hitting her stride about midway through the first act and, by the start of the second act, she’s at her peak performance. The role of Elisabeth is very challenging for any actress; most Elisabeths are drawn to one of the three stages of Elisabeth’s life that we see - Some of them are very good at playing 15 year old Elisabeth, some the Young Wife/Empress, and some the older, bitter Elisabeth, and, personally, I feel like Hanafusa is best in the latter role. As an actress, she very clearly feels a draw to sadness and mourning (in both Lady Bess and Marie Antoinette, she took the sadder interpretation of both characters she played, as opposed to her costars, who separated between the low points and the high points of their lives) and Older Elisabeth gives her the chance to stay in her comfort zone. Unfortunately, when it comes to Younger Elisabeth, especially in the very beginning, I find that she can age revert herself a little TOO much, so that she plays Elisabeth-at-15 as Elisabeth-at-8, which makes her interactions with both Der Tod and Franz Josef a little bit on the uncomfortable side. 

A personal highlight for Yoshio!Tod for me is his Die Schatten Länger in the first act, where he goes from sympathetic to seductive to sinister and then back to seductive. It’s an impressive performance of one of my favorite moments, if not my ULTIMATE favorite moment of the entire musical, and he does it so effortlessly. Watching him....he reminds me a little of Uwe Kröger? He isn’t quite as aloof and ageless as 1992!Der Tod, but looking at him in the role, I do get this vision of this otherworldly entity. He has this kind of floating, ethereal voice that we tend to associate with the classical Phantom of the Operas, with a very nice, smooth lower range in particular. I do also like his dynamic with Hanafusa Mari during “Wenn Ich Tanzen Will” -- She isn’t as reactive as some Elisabeths that I’ve seen, but I do still get the feeling of the two of them acting and reacting to one another, and this production is thankfully less....aggressive than certain productions. (2005, I’M LOOKING AT YOU.) I always prefer this scene as a verbal battle of wills, not necessarily Der Tod manhandling Elisabeth, and Toho delivers that. 

His performance almost makes me forgive him for 2006 Marie Antoinette. Almost. 

Shirota Yu on the other hand...he’s STILL otherworldly, but in a totally different way. He isn’t immature (I’ve SEEN immature Deaths, and he’s not), he isn’t the Bastard Boyfriend Der Tod, but there’s...something almost NAIVE about him at times? Not in a way that makes him less deadly, but in a way that makes him MORE so. He’s never interacted with a human before, not on this level, it’s very obvious he has no idea how humans really function or work, and Elisabeth confuses him just as much as she intrigues him. I also think that, at various times, you can REALLY see him having the time of his life in the role, playing a very, very expressive Tod in comparison to his more refined, aloof counterpart. Take their respective approaches to the death of little Sophie. 

“Oh, Elisabeth! This is so ~sad~ Here, let me console you! (This should work, right?)” 

“Hm, interesting, it seems like she’s upset. This isn’t what I anticipated.” 

And, at the beginning of Der Letze Tanz, which I’m including here purely because Shirotan is looking particularly memeable here. 

“Hello, it’s me, and yes, I’m majestic, I know, look at me.” 

“You hate death, but live as a mortal. Curious! I am very intelligent.” 

He’s a little rougher than Yoshio, a little less refined (I’ve heard Yoshio Inoue’s Der Tod compared, both positively and negatively, to a European aristocrat, which is actually a little ironic since, of the two of them, Yu Shirota Fernández is technically the more “European”, but. Well. In approach...) He has a wonderful voice (honestly, if you ever want to send your eardrums to heaven, listen to his cover of Die Schatten Werden Länger with Ramin Karimloo. Thank me later), though it’s different than Yoshio Inoue’s more classical voice. I think he has a little bit of a pop influence in there. Which might SEEM like the kiss of death for a performer, but in my opinion, he does work it. (Look, I can’t say anything negative about the guy: My mom has a massive crush on him, I own his album, and also I wasn’t able to finish the one video of him immediately following Miura Haruma’s death where he tried to sing through tears because it GOT me and now I can’t see Shirotan’s face without wanting to give him a massive hug. Which I can’t. Both for geographical reasons and also social distance.) It’s actually a little hard to compare the two Tods because, while they wear the same costumes, sing the same music, act against the same actress, they take such radically different approaches that it’s hard to say “Oh, yes, this one!” or “Oh, yes! That one!” Especially since I’m not sure that Shirota Yu’s voice would have worked with Yoshio Inoue’s approach or vice versa. I ended up loving both Der Tods for various reasons. I THINK that if my copies of Elisabeth were dangling off a cliff and my archnemesis told me to pick one, I would have to end up rescuing Yoshio Inoue’s version because I tend to prefer my sleek, elegant Tods (”Tode?”) but like. I’d be in mourning. Not the least because I’d have to tell my mom about the loss of Yu Shirota’s Tod. 

Speaking of crushes...look. Takanori Sato’s Franz. We know that I have a minor, unfortunate crush on his Louis XVI in Marie Antoinette, and as Franz...He did SUCH a good job with a character who is hard to make sympathetic in the limited time he has. Most audiences are rooting either for Elisabeth/Death or Elisabeth/Independence, and Franz quickly loses sympathy as the musical goes on, so an actor who can make him likeable is working against the tide there, but Takanori gives him SUCH a huge degree of warmth that I found myself rooting for Elisabeth/Franz to make things work out even though we know that it can’t.

 I repeat my assessment from my Marie Antoinette write-up: #FersenDerTodWho?

Mario Tashiro...we know that I do love this man’s work. In my opinion, he has one of the single best voices in the industry. But also, in my opinion....as an actor....he just.....doesn’t have it. He tends to act like the single most one-dimensional version of a role he can get away with. In the beginning, when Franz is young and in love with Sisi during “Nichts ist Schwer” there were a few moments where I felt like I might go into a sugar coma. 

They’re so cute together. Kill me now. 

And, unfortunately, Franz doesn’t have enough time to REALLY show off his range, with the exception of a few low notes and the act one finale (which to be fair, he is BRILLIANT in), to the point where I did, however slightly, end up preferring Takanori Sato both vocally and acting wise. I wouldn’t say that he’s wasted in the role, because he DOES do a good job with what he’s given, but I do think that it’s hard to appreciate just what he can do from this alone. 

It’s only fitting, after talking about Franz, that his mother should come right after him always lurking in the background, as always. And, overall....there isn’t THAT much difference, namely because Sophie, as a role, just doesn’t have that much variance in the role. And most of the fanbase is kind of. Actively rooting for her to die at any given point. There’s not that much that a given actress can really do with it. It’s nothing against them, it’s just a matter of how the role is written. I do find it interesting how both approached the death scene: Tatsuki Kohju’s Sophie is crying at the end, frightened of the afterlife as she clutches, frantically at the death angels before she slumps over, her cane falling out of her hand. As powerful as she was in life, she’s terrified of what comes beyond, as powerless as any other mortal. Suzuke Mayo tries to say something, mouthing some words, but then jerks sharply at a pain in her chest, trying to stay conscious for as long as she can but staggering backwards anyway, falling into the arms of the death angels with a look of pure relief on her face. You get the feeling that she’s been fighting for Austria for so long, made so many personal sacrifices of her own, that the chance for rest is coming as a relief to her. I THINK I prefer the latter interpretation, but honestly, both of them are solid in their own right, though I’m not sure that the role REALLY gets enough to justify a double-casting. (Also....I have to say that, while I wouldn’t necessarily get a musical just for Susuke Mayo, I’ve seen her in enough to have suitably warm feelings for her performances, so I’m already coming in with some amount of bias.) 

Lucheni...I don’t REALLY pay as much attention to, compared to, say, the main trio, but he is our narrator, and both Luchenis did take very different approaches to the character. Songha’s Lucheni was...well, if he isn’t in love with Der Tod himself, he’s obsessed with him. We see him reaching out to Der Tod both at the beginning (when he appears on stage for the first time) and at the end, when Der Tod drops the knife to him. There’s a fervor to him in those scenes in particular that I tend to associate with worshippers in a Baptist Revival. Yamazaki is a little bit more subdued, in the beginning I get the feeling that he’s almost under Der Tod’s trance himself, and, in general, I think he’s a little bit more cynical, though, by the ending, he’s dropped a lot of that pretense. He looks at the knife after he’s stabbed her (Songha’s Lucheni almost lets her walk into the knife, but Yamazaki’s STABS), before a smile comes to his face as he falls down while running, finally laughing. It’s like he’s been playing things more or less subdued this entire time and this is his real BREAK, now that he finally has the opportunity to kill. With Songha’s...

He’s actually shocked. I’m not generous enough to Lucheni, as a character, to say that he really feels bad about killing ELISABETH per se, but that...he’s borderline-fetishized Death for so long, waited so long, and then, when he finally has the chance...it doesn’t live up to his expectations. A woman walked into his knife. (She walked into his knife ten times.) There’s nothing dramatic or exciting about it. One small action, and it can’t be taken back, there’s no getting away from it. He actively stumbles around stage afterwards, confused as he tries to run away, like he doesn’t know what to do now. 

Of the two of them, Songha has a rougher, kind of growelly voice, to the point where I didn’t REALLY like his Lucheni all that much until I started to analyze his acting. Voice is a MASSIVE factor in whether I enjoy a performance, simply because...it’s my eardrums. I very much want to keep them intact. (For what it’s worth, Songha is NEVER rough to the degree it hurts my eardrums, but there have been a few...) It’s arguably fitting for someone who, as a character, is as rough as Lucheni, but it wasn’t to my personal taste, while Yamazaki...I mean, he’s playing Der Tod in the 20th anniversary. Whenever we get the 20th anniversary. He’s played some of the most celebrated roles in Japanese theatre. The man has RANGE and a fantastic control of the role. (Also...look. As a bisexual woman, I’m just going to say it: He’s more personally attractive to me, though the Toho Lucheni isn’t....really....designed to be attractive. If you go in expecting Takarazuka Lucheni or Serkan Kaya’s extremely pretty Lucheni...well. He isn’t. Either version of him. He looks like someone just pulled him out of a garbage can.) I did notice that both of them have quite a bit of growl in their voice during “Milch”, though, so some of this could be directorial intervention. While BOTH of them absolutely nail the high note in the Prologue, in my opinion, Yamazaki’s riffs are an absolute HIGH point for me (...okay, yeah. Literally and figuratively. I didn’t mean to make a pun. But here we are.) I do think, at the end of the day, I prefer his voice, though I think that both of them did interesting things with the role, taking what is essentially opposite approaches. I don’t think I have a really clear favorite there. One of these days, I’ll have to check out Songha’s other work to see what his voice is like in its “Natural State” so to speak since if, for example, I’d only ever heard Oka Kojiro’s voice in 1789, I’d have just assumed he only knew how to bark out his roles. 

One role that wasn’t double-cast but that I WOULD like to draw attention to anyway is Furukawa Yuta as Rudolf. My friend @chibimyumi‘s already written some wonderful meta on Furudolf that I highly recommend, and there’s very little that I can really add except to say that he’s probably my personal take on the role, mainly because, while he IS sympathetic, that isn’t the entirety of his character. He isn’t just a pawn in Der Tod’s game,though Der Tod is unquestionably manipulating him, but a character in his own right. I’ve noticed in the Elisabeth fandom...it can be quite common to go “POOR WOOBIE RUDOLF” and....yes, he did have a very tragic life, but there was more to his life than just the tragedy. He had a life and a personality outside of that (that and....the general erasure of the 17 year old girl who died by his side, but it’s hard to be too harsh on the fandom for that when the musical itself kind of skips over that.) 

Now, on those notes, there’s one thing that...I don’t want to talk about, but I feel like it’s an elephant in the room if I don’t. 

Namely, Hass. 

I don’t like talking about this scene, mainly because it’s deeply uncomfortable subject matter, and it’s deeply controversial subject matter that, as a goyische white person, I really am out of my depth in talking about. There’s a reason why “Hass” was censored from the Zuka, and I know that some fans have gotten hooked on the Zuka, only to go to the German or the Toho, and have subsequently found themselves shocked and/or traumatized. I understand that it’s meant to be deeply uncomfortable, and the Toho DOES show Rudolf actively getting them to stop, which further solidifies the idea in Die Schatten Werden Länger of Rudolf WANTING to stop things from getting out of control, but he can’t. The Toho is also a little bit more brutal than I’m used to, showing an explicit attack on a Jewish man. It’s the kind of thing that, especially in the German and Austrian productions, was meant to give the audience a wake-up call and remind them of their own past, as a country, but can be traumatizing for any Jewish fans or fans of color who might be watching. Especially given that Lucheni, who we tend to associate as a jerk, yes, but as our more-or-less likeable narrator, is actively taking part. I know what they were going for, but also there’s a reason why I never stream this production without a warning ahead of time, and I also tend to end up skipping this scene. 

The staging is very nice, probably one of the more intricate Toho stagings I’ve seen, with a lot of props and backgrounds moving around, often mid-song, as well as projections in scenes such as Die Ersten Vier Jahre in order to show the passage of time.

 The costuming is, predictably for Toho, fantastic, lavish without being quite as sparkly as their Takarazuka counterparts, having quite a few nice velvet numbers in there. The costuming of Elisabeth is so iconic it seems pointless to discuss outfits like the Sternenkleid or the coronation outfit, but I think this production does well on even some of the non-iconic ensembles. See: 

And...you know, I said no iconic numbers, because they tend to be all people talk about, but like. One Sternenkleid pic. Because it’s what she deserves. 

Is it Too Soon to say that I’d stab her for that wardrobe alone? Because damn. And that’s not even touching the jewellery. 

I want. 

Overall, I believe this is probably my favorite production of Elisabeth. Toho really knocked it out of the park, and it’s a good compromise between the Takarazuka and the original Austrian in many, many ways (I do love them, for example, keeping Der Tod’s presence in Alle Fragen Sing Gestellt from the Takarazuka) while also making a production that’s distinct and stands on its own two feet. I really would like to have another proshot of the 2019-2020 cast, whenever the Japanese theatre community is in a more stable place, because I really, really would like to see Manaki Reika, Yamazaki, and Furukawa Yuta’s takes on their new roles, because I feel like they could be really, really solid and I’ve heard fantastic things about at least Chapi and Furukawa Yuta (nothing against Yamazaki, just that I don’t know anything about his take on Der Tod.) 

[letters-from-eros]

Pairing: Jirou Kyouka x Fem!Reader

Form: Oneshot

Genre: Angst

Warnings/TW: Depictions of abuse and homophobia.

Jiro slowly really did feel herself slip into madness. Idly she slowly watched herself develop feelings for you and simultaneously watched as you slowly broke into pieces. All she wished is that she could find the words to tell you how she felt, but there were too many words to describe it. If she could find words to heal and bring the shattered pieces of you back together the would search to no end for them only to be presented with the fact that it was far too late for simple words to fix the irreversible damage that was done. Was it her fault? The restless nights of contemplation said the answer was yes, but how she hoped it wasn't true.

Best friends is how it started out but the lines got blurred when either one of you tried to figure out when that just stopped being enough. It probably did start with the awkward "glances." That's what they got labeled. It just meant one of you found the other staring at you, but both of you refused the think that was the case. Glances... Yeah.. Just let them be coincidences. Not commented on coincidences.

It was sickening how much time Jiro has racked in spending time with you, which lead to daydreams. So, so, many blissful daydreams. 'Fuck Schoolgirl crushes' is what she always thought when she found herself slipping away thinking about you. But it always returned with the sight of you, and the label of friend that constantly hung above your head. Was she wrong with the loud, ringing thought in her head of 'Lets be more than this'?

So many memories that Jirou cherished and thought were great seemed diminished with a spiderweb of cracks. Why can't she at least have the memories?

Quiet after-school days in each other's company slacking off on homework and reading music magazines gushing over what guitar, microphone or piece of musical equipment you wanted. When she actually first heard you sing and play the guitar it was a surreal experience that will forever release a cage full of butterflies in her stomach. She loved it so much. Might've been the moment when she realized she loved you so much.

She doesn't remember when the love she had for you that could be described as a soft drifting cloud started to turn for the worst. Seemingly crashing with no hope for survival. Not one second of peace, nothing to grab onto, no time to access the situation. Falling, constant falling without knowing when you'll hit the ground, just knowing when you will, it will be painful.

You came in with a black eye and bandage on your cheek but a small, proud smirk on your face, but there was another emotion there. Everyone could see it was pride and just something else no one could put their finger on, but Jirou could, it was her duty as you're best friend to be able to, of course. The emotion was sadness, a feeling that she wish she could take away from your life forever, even if she had to be burdened with a lifetime of it.

It was no surprise that everyone was quick to question it, Jirou was far from the only person who loved you, platonically or not. All questions were lightly shut down with a smile, a "don't worry about it" or "Its no big deal." Yet when Jiro asked with complete terror and worry laced in her words and eyes you had to tell her. You wanted to tell her, after all you were proud of it to a degree. Teen rebellion at its finest in your mind.

"Remember that Pride parade that happened two days ago?"

Jiro was never quite sure on your sexuality, but she did know you were a strong and active supporter. Thinking back on it, she think she did remember you mention it at least once.

It took you and all your friends to calm her down when you told her what happened. You came home, multiple pride flags imprinted on your body and pride flags in your hands and stuffed in your pockets. You had came home happy and feeling accomplished in possibly making a difference, expressing yourself. Meeting people who felt the same way as you did. People always say actions speak louder than words, and your parents were a prime example of such. Their actions? Undoubtedly an expression of the opposite of such feeling.

Your body told more of the story than what you had the stomach to put into worda. The obvious black eye a signal to a some sort of rough hit to the bruised area. Red marks dotted you everywhere, the kind you get after you roughly scrub and scratch on an area. The erasing of colorful rainbows. And lastly tired, yet hopeful eyes that show a sleepless night.

What Jirou would give to see hope in your eyes again.

It hurt Jirou. Made her sick to the bottom of her stomach. But as the words "This has and will only happen once" was repeatedly told to her from you with the remnants of purity in your eyes there wasn't a sound reason not to believe you. God, why didn't someone tell her that the possibility of that being true, no matter how sweet it sounded, especially coming from the voice she loved, were slim to none. This only proved more of a philosophy Jirou had. There is no such thing as miracles, no matter how much you deserved one.

She wished she asked you that day, what your sexual orientation is. Because it only got worst. Even days that weren't after pride marches you came with signature cuts and bruises and tired eyes that slowly became sadder and sadder, losing hope with each time you had to get a bandage. There's no way she could get a truthful answer out of you, on almost anything..

You stopped letting Jirou in, in means and hopes to have her worry less. Things weren't that bad, right? There wasn't a need to worry. Never would you want to burden your best friend with that, is what you told yourself. Rather that was a mask to hide a fear of vulnerability? That was a mystery.

You both drifted apart. More like you drifting away from her by your parents wishes. The constant taking and looking through your phone made it hard to maintain any contact with anyone. Jiro debunked them as little close minded spies that she would yell at and hit the first chance she gets.

Whenever Jiro did get the opportunity to talk to you, it wasn't the same. You were off.. jaded, even. Like if you spoke your mind or opinions, there were consequences. And if you did ever speak something that wasn't declared fact, it was obvious that you didn't mean it. There wasn't that sparkle of passion in your eyes that Jiro came to love when you talked about anything that interests you.

The day when she wanted nothing more than to hug you and show her undying love and adoration for you it was the day she truly realized it was too late to get the truthful answer from you. Her fears, confirmed

"I'm.. I am straight, Jirou." A lie slipped through a beautiful smile. What ever happened to Kyouka? What ever happened to no lies?

Whatever happened to you?

It was such an obvious lie, the way is sounded coming out of your mouth is like you were trying to tell yourself that. She tried to get the answer that you wanted to say and that she selfishly wanted to hear.

"We're all alone now."

"I'm sorry." It was all you could say, voice cracking from the guilt and quickly scurrying out the classroom. Jirou wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, curse everything to hell.

They had taped over your mouth and scribble out your truth. Those little fucking spies you had for parents.

Jiro knew she had to get you out of your parents lives. She had to give you your voice back. She couldn't just let what was being done happen. Hell, even if you were straight she would sleep better knowing that you were safe and not getting yelled at by your parents about your views.

But for now, for this insufferable time of present day, all that you can be to Jirou is her crush, and vice versa...