#that i am a 'trans man' if i really get pushed on it. most times i just say my pronouns are he/him and drop it there

[illogicalghost]

i used to get so uncomfortable when strangers would call me she/her, but now i just find it amusing 🤭 i don't think i really care that much what random people call me, i'm not gonna see them again most likely, and honestly they can just believe whatever they want about what gender they think i am, i really don't care 😝

[drdemonprince]

Did you ever struggle with feeling guilty about transitioning, especially w/r/t transmasculinity being in some way antifeminist? I often feel like I’m committing an act of betrayal :/ Like, if I can choose on some level what position to occupy in gendered society, then is it morally defensible to move towards the oppressor position?

(Why yes, I do have anxiety and serious issues with rumination, often themed around the ways in which I am probably a bad person)

Personally, no. I never felt welcome in mainstream cis feminism. I felt strongly alienated by the gender essentialism, the exclusion of trans people, and the mix of cruelty and neglect that was lobbed at male victims of sexual assault and domestic violence.

I had been sexually victimized by women numerous times in my life, and mainstream feminism didn't seem to have anything to say about that, or any sympathy for the victims of women. Within feminist activist groups that I had some tertiary connection to, I saw trans women being excluded from events for sexual violence survivors, and observed a cis female get away with repeated acts of sexual aggression and abuse because she was a woman and a survivor, and so no one felt free to argue with her about what she "needed" in order to recover (in this case, forcing trans men to have sex with her). In these spaces my own body was commented upon, my boundaries were pushed, and a great deal of coercion and underminement was constantly going around.

I was also highly put off by the individualistic, girl-boss feminist nature of most feminist movements that I witnessed as a person growing up in the early 2000's - 2010s. In academic labs studying gender-based oppression, people spoke only against the pay gap faced by white women, never the ones faced by women of color or men of color. Critiques of white feminism were rarely if ever taken seriously. It was a gross environment to be around, and I avoided it as much as possible, honestly.

I didn't become a feminist at all, really, until after I embraced myself being trans. Once I was firmly out of the coerced "female" box, I could witness how much easier life was for me than for women. I listened to trans feminist thinkers and saw clear patterns in how transmisogyny and misogyny played out that helped me better understand things. And I felt confident enough to speak out about my status as a man who has been preyed upon by women and sexually abused by them, as well as by men, and to critique mainstream feminism for its transphobia, racism, and other problems. And because I was a man, I always got away with saying such things.

Personally I think feminist movements aren't shit if they aren't trans feminist, and while I can hardly claim to have always been enlightened on all trans feminist matters (like a lot of trans mascs, I used to long for having been "born a boy" and "having more confidence" from it, believing that male socialization was that simple, my resentment and dysphoria curdling into a pretty transmisogynistic world view even if i didnt realize it), something profoundly rotten and missing within mainstream feminist movements always kept me out of it. It was never a comfortable, safe space for me and I didn't give a shit about 'betraying' it.

[imtrying-ok]

I'm from a family where women are in charge of most things, finances, the house, bills getting paid on time, important administrative and historical documents and papers, family heirlooms (men are so dumb, they can't be trusted with that stuff!), the children. In my subconscious mind, women work harder. Women go to work everyday and men are just lazy slobs. All men are good for is a (smaller, obviously) supplementary income, having kids with, maybe cooking, and only sometimes emotional companionship. (I am serious - this has been said to me in different ways by multiple family members, from my mom to my great grandmother)

I was told I was so lucky to be born a girl, because I get to join this long line of women. That they were so lucky I was born a girl so they had someone to continue a legacy with. That they could dream of never loving a boy the same way. That they could never let a man continue this legacy, he's too dumb! He'd lose everything. He wouldn't care about the legacy, obviously. He'd just ruin it like all men do. They're so glad I'm around, I'll inherit everything and take great care of it.

I wanted to wear a suit to my father's wedding and they were scared. They heard me going by my gender neutral last name instead of my feminine first name (inherited from my greatx5 grandmother no less) and they hated it. "Don't you want to be a girl?" But I know what they really meant was "don't you want to be what I think you should be?" Then my grandmother talks about how she's scared she won't have anyone to inherit her house, her things, the pieces of history she takes care of (a piece of the Berlin wall, an old German family Bible, my family's passports from the 1800s, a handwoven tapestry, etc... "old country" stuff that every European immigrant family has laying around for some reason. But that's for another post.)

I know why it apparently can't go to me anymore. I've been 'tainted'. My beautiful feminine qualities have been pushed out by my desire to be a handsome untrustworthy kind violent man (they can't even call me that) other . They could handle if I was a lesbian, it was only logical to like other women, and my mother dated women as often as she dated men throughout my life. They could handle if I didn't want kids, in fact, I was told explicitly to not have them in the past (thanks grandma), they can betray you and leave you heartbroken (thanks mom). They couldn't handle me being a man.

There is some kind of inherent quality of being a man that makes you bad. And I was choosing to betray them and myself.

Needless to say, I don't feel very comfortable in trans or feminist spaces.

[doberbutts]

So I'm going to ask an honest question here and ask you please explain in layman's terms. Every trans person I know irl has no concept of the transandrophobia discourse but every time I see more of it online I'm...unsettled, and it takes a lot to power through all the terminology.

I initially was really receptive to transandrophobia because the rationale behind being against it sounded stupid and akin to label discourse in the queer community. I saw "being a man is not an axis of oppression therefore you don't get your Own Word" and thought that was pedantic nonsense, that language doesn't need to adhere to that rule, and that it's helpful to have a term designated towards transmasculine experiences so people can find those experiences easier. Not that trans women's experiences aren't also beneficial! But that, well, obviously no matter how similar the experience birds of a feather and that sense of comfort of sharing identity still matters. This is true for other issues of identity too, I find, weather that's a good thing or a bad thing idk, but it is human.

The thing is I follow a lot of transwomen and have been seeing some alarms being raised about the community being formed around this word. You blocked one of the most egregious offenders so I trust you (which is why I'm asking sorry) I've seen a lot of misogyny and essentialism from people using the term "transandrophobia" and more egregiously "transmisandry." Idk your opinion on the latter term (I haven't scrolled down far enough on your blog, sorry if you talked about this before) but to me it's unconscionable. I was taught that transandrophobia existed as a term specifically NOT to use that term, that elevating misandry to a legitimate issue was dangerous for obvious reasons and it was one of the reasons why I was so supportive of transandrophobia. To me, it seemed like an awareness that misogyny was the prevailing issue behind all issues of gender oppression, but when I actually look at the tag I...get uncomfortable.

Blogs I follow have repeatedly been upset at misogyny from this community, and have been using the term "transandrobro" to describe behavior they find akin to cis MRAs. I've truly seen horrible things with hundreds, sometimes thousands of notes to it that do, unfortunately, feel like women are being blamed for the plight of trans men. I've seen cis people say they were originally on MRA reddits and then came to tumblr to "confront the misandry directly" only to wholeheartedly adopt transandrophobia into their worldview. It's hard because I KNOW I shouldn't judge a community based on a few crazies but it truly does feel sometimes like "transandrophobia" gives misogynists a venue to air their woman-hating to an eager audience, kinda like how "Karen" has been co-opted beyond the og meaning of being for racist white woman to any woman being mildly rude.

So like, here it is: can transandrophobia exist without being co-opted by misogynists? Is there a threshold of proliferation for misogynists destroying this word until a new one needs to be made? Or will every word trying to identify the transmasculine experience be inevitably co-opted by misogynists because misogynists are just that powerful, so people should double down harder on the word and work to push misogynists out?

(Also am I going crazy, or did this word a year ago used to have a WAY better community than the one I see nowadays. Back then I could find your blog and really compassionate people easily, and now it's just...bad.)

It is a little hard to understand some of this post but I will do my best to answer what I think is being asked.

To put simply, I think the reason why it was better a year or two ago is because the majority of the people who were actually trying to further the conversation and not just circle jerk in the echo chamber got chased off. Transandrophobia, anti-transmasculinity, transandromisia, transmascphobia... the guys who coined these are largely either not posting at all anymore or post far far less than they used to. They were harassed and the constant exposure to transphobia made them shut down their blogs for their own mental health. Not all of them, but a lot of the so-called "big names" had this happen.

Even I stopped posting for a while and shuttered the doors for a bit outside of a long queue of dog photos because of how much it was affecting my mental health.

In their place remain people who are not committed to the same conversation. Perhaps they are younger, or less familiar with the building blocks of theory that really should be required reading, or are still stuck in their "everything sucks and it's YOUR fault" phase. Maybe they do come from different places, like 4chan or reddit, which are less prone to this sort of discussion. A lot of the original crowd had been on tumblr long enough to remember when we could still edit posts, and I keep seeing people who would have been in elementary school at that time posting to the tag nowadays.

I was discussing this problem on discord with a small group of friends and one of them- a trans fem- called it second wave transandrophobia discourse as a bitter joke. I think she is more right than wrong, regardless.

I'm not sure who you believe I've blocked- in general I don't air out who I block on this blog because at nearly 12k followers there are too many people who would love to dogpile someone for the sin of disagreeing with me and I do my best to prevent that. I don't want anyone to be harassed, after all. There's a lot of assumptions that have been made about my block and follow behavior that vary from "hilarious but untrue" to "outright offensive slander".

People are people, and some people are shitheads. Trans mascs and people who want to support trans mascs are not exempt from that. I say this all the time- Kayne West is objectively a shitty person but his existence doesn't prove the concept of antiblackness to be a myth. Caitlyn Jenner is objectively a shitty person but her existence doesn't prove the concept of transmisogyny to be a myth. So why do shitty trans mascs prove our own theory to be dangerous or nonexistent? Why hold us to a higher standard than any other marginalized group?

I could ask you the same question- there are posts on here with hundreds, sometimes thousands, of notes made by trans fems and cis women who blame their problems with transmisogyny on trans mascs. There are people coming from reddit, Twitter, 4chan who are being actively transphobic and misogynistic and claiming they're doing it for the good of transfeminism. There are posts filled with misogyny and bioessentialism and gender essentialism and even interphobia and racism and transphobia being left completely unchecked. Do you think it would be acceptable for me to ask if that means transmisogyny theory should be abandoned or if we should just accept that it will draw people with bad intentions?

Or do you think the better answer is to focus instead on finding those with a good head on their shoulders, and making sure it's them who has their voice heard? Do you think we should maybe not judge entire demographics because there exists some shitty people who claim the same identity?

[cat-in-a-mech-suit]

Transmasculinity Throughout Time: Greek Mythology

This is a relief of Caeneus from Greek Mythology getting beaten into the ground by centaurs with trees. He is one of three trans men in Greek myths that I will be discussing! Not only am I looking at actual historical trans men, but examples of transmasculine figures in myths and stories too. The next one will be FtM crossdressing and transmasculine longings written in Shakespeare - I am still wondering though, what other examples of transmasculinity in fictional myths and stories are out there?

Reiterating, I am not any kind of authority on history and am getting my information from accessible internet resources- if you want a source on something specific, ask - many sources are slightly to very problematic in how they talk about gender and transmasculinity so I prefer to not post them directly but will give them in the comments on request if you want to look into something. For this post, I am just going off of Wikipedia. Anyways, anything I post in Transmasculinity Throughout Time is my own opinions, I will talk casually and formally (I don’t really distinguish formality due to autism), and I will use the pronouns of my best judgement. If you don’t like this series for any reason, cool, don’t interact. If you like it and want to give suggestions, cool. I would like to bring transmasculine histories to light in my own way, and welcome a curious and open minded discussion.

In Greek myths, there are three trans men who are known of: Caeneus, Iphis, and Leucippus. If you read the following about Caeneus, please be aware of the content: specifically, TW for SA. Skip to Iphis and Leucippus after the break if you’d prefer to avoid it.

Caeneus was the child of Elatus and Hippea. He was born a girl, but was transformed into an invulnerable man after being raped by Poseidon. In some accounts, he asked to be transformed to avoid pregnancy. In others, it is simply so he doesn’t suffer the same thing again. This narrative is very interesting to me. Some modern sanism and queerphobia manifests as the idea of transmasculinity, lesbianism, or queerness of any kind as a response to sexual trauma. But Caeneus wasn’t a one dimensional victim turned oppressor. He was the strongest warrior of his day after he was transformed, and became king of the Lapiths. Somehow, he angered the gods, exactly how is unclear - it is suggested that it could have been worshipping or encouraging others to worship a spear instead of the gods. As punishment, they sent centaurs after him.

The most popular story involving Caeneus is actually his battle with the centaurs, not his gender transformation. It was called centauromachy, a battle between Lapiths and centaurs. Because he was invulnerable, none of the centaurs weapons worked on him, and he was difficult to defeat - to kill him, they had to actually bury him in the earth by beating him down with stones and uprooted trees. These centaurs were transphobic too. They said:

“Shall I put up with one like you, O Caeneus?

For you are still a woman in my sight.

Have you forgot your birth or that disgrace

by which you won reward—at what a price

you got the false resemblance to a man?!

Consider both your birth, and what you have

submitted to! Take up a distaff, and

wool basket! Twist your threads with practiced thumb!

Leave warfare to your men!” (Ovid, Metamorphoses).

“Transandrophobia isn’t real” “trans men have no historical presence” Meanwhile greek mythology be like… anyways.. So .. Then.. the centaurs were defeated by him! He was invulnerable. But they could still beat him into the ground with uprooted trees. It is described in Races’ translation of Argonautica, Apollonius of Rhodes: “They rallied against him, but were not strong enough to push him back nor to kill him, so instead, unbroken and unbending, he sank beneath the earth, hammered by the downward force of mighty pine trees.” This makes me think about how transmasculinity is buried in history.. Onto the next myths!

Iphis and Leucippus both have very similar stories. Iphis was born of Ligdus and Telethusa. Ligdus only wanted a son, and said he would only let the child live if it was male. The goddess Isis asked Telethusa to keep the child regardless of how it is born, and promised her aid in the future. Iphis grew up raised as a boy, and was “officially” transformed by Isis before marrying a girl, Ianthe. From Ovid, Metamorphoses:

“Her face seemed of a darker hue, her strength seemed greater, and her features were more stern. Her hair once long, was unadorned and short. There is more vigor in her than she showed in her girl ways. For in the name of truth, Iphis, who was a girl, is now a man!”

Leucippus’ tale is almost the same, he was born of Lamprus and Galatea, Lamprus would only accept a male child, and Galatea concealed Leucippus’ birth sex from her husband, giving him a masculine name and referring to him as her son. Upon puberty, he was changed physically into a man by the goddess Leto. This story actually inspired a male rite of passage in Phaistos dedicated to Leto, and inspired a wedding custom where brides would lie next to an image or statue of Leucippus before weddings. Two customs in an ancient greek city being inspired by a story about a trans man is an important and cool fact methinks.

[momolady]

Sirion the Vampire

-Patreon - Ko-Fi - Commissions - Masterlist - 3K words - Trans-Male Reader x Male Monster Forbidden Love - Elopement - Vampire Feeding - True Self

Taking hold of that hand, you held it close, unafraid of the dark and certainly not worried about the cold. You looked into the darkness of his eyes, assured of what he said. 

“Then let’s go.” Your breath came out in thick, curtaining billows. “Take me there, we can’t leave soon enough.”

A smile spread across his face and he leaned in to kiss you. You had vowed long ago you would go anywhere with him, do whatever it took to stand by his side. When he saw you, truly saw you, there was no turning back. Forever you two were locked together.

The night you ran, he made quite the grand spectacle of it. Of course Sirion had to let the whole world know, that was never a question in your mind. He took you from your home, glaring deep into the eyes of your family who had been holding you captive in your own home all this time. He stared at them, wishing them to burst into flames, but instead he let them live, peacefully as you had requested. Even as your father’s old gun rang through the streets, all you wanted was for them to be left alone

The carriage was an ornate one, one harkening back to the old days when the vampires had once ruled this land. There were no windows, so you could not see outside to where you were going. But there were jewels, or at least where jewels had once been. The empty settings seemed to plead for something to hold. The seats were luxurious, silk and down you assumed.

“It will take us a while to get there,” Sirion murmured. 

You looked up from your exploring, catching the somewhat grim look upon his face. He raised his hand, showing the blood on his palm from where you fathers’s bullet grazed him.

Jumping up from your seat, you rushed to his side. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It is nothing to worry about,” he growled as you sat beside him, peeling away his cloak to inspect the wound. “I will heal fast. After all, at the moment, I am still full of you.”

Placing your palm over the wound, you glared into his eyes.

Sirion laughed. “Don’t give me such a look.” He languidly placed his hands over his face, hiding but a slip of his eyes. “Not when we should be celebrating.”

You huffed. “You haven’t rested either.”

Placing his long, heavy arm around you, Sirion pulled you in close. “I was far too excited.” He relaxed his body as yours drew closer. “It will be just us now. No hiding, no secrets, no shadows.” His eyes gazed up to the roof of the carriage where a starry night scene was painted. “A place of moonlight,” he breathed.

You were exhausted as well, and resting your head upon his chest was the most sumptuous pillow you could find.

When you woke, the carriage had stopped. You raised from the seat, rubbing your eyes as you gazed around. Outside you heard voices, Sirion’s was among them. As you opened the door and peered out, you saw a dark, endless scene of pillars and dark. The air was musky and cold, and echoes of water were all around.

“There he is.” Sirion’s voice guided you to his visage, standing in the light of a torch. “Come,” he beckoned to you. “They will be taking care of you.”

“For what?” You frowned, looking at the tall, pale woman before you and her short, somewhat hairy companion.

Sirion held onto your shoulders and chuckled. “To prepare you for your new life, of course. To be my groom.”

Your heart pounded, taking another look at the couple before you.

“I’ll be fixing your hair,” the man said and spit to the side.

The woman smirked, amused by the man’s behavior. “And I have clothes for you, Sirion requested a lavish wardrobe for you, my lord.”

The pulse of your heart was likely noticed by everyone in your presence. “Really?” You looked up at Sirion in awe.

“Really,” he chuckled. He pushed against your back. “They will take care of you, and I will rest.”

You followed the man and woman, taken to a bunker-like building. Inside was lavish in a pauper type of way. Things that had once been grand mixed with others that looked stolen or upgraded. 

The man had you sit in a chair while he took out a glimmering silver razor and scissor set. In a rage, your father had lopped off your hair, leaving it uneven, in hanging chunks, and skin close patches. You were relieved to feel the hairy man’s scissors snip away and the cold of the razor against the back of your neck.

Meanwhile the woman pulled out a trunk, an extra package set aside upon the top which she opened. Inside was a dark red and black suit. The material looked familiar to you, but you couldn’t place it.

“There now,” the man turned you in the chair. “How does that look?”

The mirror was broken, but you still appeared in it just fine, unlike the man and woman. Your hair was masculine, swooped to the side and the flowing front tucked behind your ear and the sides shaved short due to your fathers assault. It was how you always wanted to look. You looked like the man you knew you were.

“That’s amazing,” you whispered, touching your face.

The woman then approached from behind. “And your new wardrobe is even better!” She said excitedly. “Come, come, you must get dressed.”

The man walked off, going to prepare something in the corner while the woman dressed you.  She took note of the bite mark on your thigh, giving you a wink and a smile. She dressed you in the fine suit, making sure the hems set right and everything fit. 

“Perfect! The measurements were precise.” She moved you to the mirror again, showing you yourself. The suit hugged what it needed and hid what you didn’t want. You looked like the vision you saw in your head, the one that never had appeared to you before. Tears came to your eyes.

“I knew it! I did it!” The woman clapped her hands together then turned to the man, taking from him a silver clutch. She opened it, showing you the needle inside. “Sirion will know the rest,” she whispered to you. “He always provides.”

Still in tears, you weren’t sure how to respond.

The man and woman finished your meeting by giving you food, which seemed a bit jumbled, but you were hungry so the meal didn’t matter.

Afterwards, you were presented to Sirion, whose grin could have matched yours. He ran up to you, scooping you up and tossing you about in the air.

“My dashing prince!” he announced loudly and proudly. “Look how you shine!” He hugged you to his chest, his long fingers grasped around your head. “I knew you were meant for the finery of the vampires.” He smoothed his palms down your collar. “I had her make this from the suit I was wearing when we first met.”

That’s where it seemed so familiar! You beamed from ear to ear, even larger than before. “I love it,” you breathed into his chest. “Thank you!”

He stroked your hair, feeling the closely shaved sides with a delicate touch. “From now on, you will be seen. I promise. Where we are going, you will only see your best self.” He then laughed. “We don’t use mirrors much, but I have one just for you.” He bent down, kissing you. His lips were cool, but you had grown to love that feeling.

Once in the carriage again, Sirion had you in his lap, his hand in your pants touching you, feeling your desire from him grow.

“Seeing you like this, it makes me feel alive again,” he chuckled into your ear. His voice was breathy, deep, full of longing. “I cannot wait for us to make love for the first time.”

You moaned, fidgeting a bit in his lap. His fingers curled, eliciting a deep moan from your lips. “But we have.”

“Not like this,” he growled. “Not in freedom.” His fingers were slick, making wetter sounds as he moved. “I doubt I can hold myself until we reach safety.”

“You don’t have to,” you gasped. “We can-” You kept losing your breath from his touch. “We can do it now.”

Sirion breathed something of his old language into your ear. “I would enjoy that very much.”

Enjoy the rest as a free member over on Patreon!

[thehivemindsys]

Eddie Gluskin Headcanons because I cannot stop thinking about him and im bored

Happy holidays, I usually just am not happy during this time of year so I’m pushing down my emotions and writing angst. Enjoy. Tw: Self harm, CSA, rape, misogyny, violence, typical outlast stuff.

-Eddie hates bathing and has to be physically restrained if the doctors wish to get him clean. This is mainly due to his CSA, as Eddie was attacked a lot while he was in the shower-but it is also due to him feeling uncomfortable with being nude for long periods of time.

-Eddie hates dogs. His family had a dog that was specifically trained to bite him if he commanded it to. Eddie doesn’t own any pets, really, and believes that cats are too “feminine” for him.

-During his initial murder spree, Eddie killed around 34 people-men and women, who he all gave the definition of “bride” to. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity, and was sent to Mount Massive Asylum. For a time, he actually had a proper psychologist before he was eventually signed up for the Walrider program after he attacked the wrong guard.

-Eddie has diagnosed Schizophrenia, BPD, psychosis, and could possibly qualify for a DID diagnosis.

-Eddie could possibly qualify for DID because he has a few seperate personality states: a younger version of himself, trapped within his childhood, “The Groom,” the dominant personality states, and a version of himself that is haunted by his trauma, and rather prefers to be alone. Though it is unclear if this is DID or just due to his BPD (he does dissociate from reality quite often, though).

-Eddie’s favorite movie growing up was Sleeping Beauty, and often quotes it to the best of his memory. He believes that Prince Phillip is the perfect depiction of a devoted husband, and Aurora is the most beautiful woman in the world.

-Sketching and tailoring are his favorite hobbies. He most often draws women in goregous dresses, and has a very traditional Disney-like style to his artwork.

-Eddie believes that it is the 1950s and is incapable of perceiving the current year as it is. He writes things like computers, camcorders, and cellphones off as “advanced space-age technology.” Don’t ever ask him to operate a computer because he would have absolutely no idea how to do it.

-If Eddie could comprehend the concept of a trans person, he would for sure be a supporter-due to his psychosis and delusions, however, he couldn’t comprehend it even if he tried. He can’t even comprehend that he may be gay.

-Eddie may have targeted women before the asylum, but once he was incarcerated, he practically exclusively targeted men-even when there was a female presence in the asylum, he didn’t attack them nearly as much as he did the men.

-Eddie is actually a pretty damn good chef. He has to be, considering his only qualification for a good “wife” is that “she” has to be alive and breathing. (Even then…)

-Eddie has a love for salted caramels.

-Eddie has a hard time keeping his anger in check, and rarely keeps his hands to himself. He was transferred to an isolation cell after he groped a guard, and he was never really allowed out of maximum security afterwards. This, plus other forms of inhumane treatment at the hands of Murkoff, eventually led to his mental health getting worse and his transfer to the Walrider program once it was deemed that he was “too far gone.”

-Eddie may be a charasmatic, boisterous man but deep down, he is suffering from crippling lonliness and deep seated insecurities that will likely never fully go away.

-Eddie did self harm before he was transferred to Mount Massive.

-Eddie’s best friend in the asylum is Frank Manera canonically, but he does have a rather good relationship with many of the Variants, including The Twins and Chris Walker. He and Frank used to have cells right next to one another, and communicated through a hole in the wall.

[stormyelliotwritez]

ok ik youre not taking requests rn (btw hope u have a good time during ur break) but whenever you can itd be much appreciated if you could continue the ftmxlogan fic (the one where the reader thinks hes straight but hes not) i love your work. You may further it however you like, but i personally am looking for like a supportive logan who tries understanding your identity.

Ty :3

HIIIIIIIIII IM BACK and yeah, i had a good break and now im here to make ya happy with supportive logan!!! SILLY BOY TIME!

HE’S NOT STRAIGHT?

(pt 2 of but he’s straight)

He dragged you along to the teacher’s lounge and then promptly pushed you into a seat. Without saying absolutely anything, he grabbed two beers from the fridge and then sat down next to you.

“Here ya go, bub,” he said as he held one out to you.

You took it and relaxed into the chair. He watched you for a moment before opening his beer with one claw. Damn, that’s hot. He obviously noticed your staring and slight blush and so he held his hand out, one claw still out.

“Want me to open yours?”

You nodded slowly. Damnit, why’d your words stop working? Why now? You’re literally sitting in the teachers lounge with the most hottest man ever who you’ve had a crush on for years and now your words aren’t working? Talk about bad timing!

He smirked and with that one claw, he popped the lid off your beer. He did it slowly and absolutely knew what he was doing to you. He wasn’t stupid, after all.

“So you have a crush on me, huh?” He asked with a s smirk.

You nodded again, trying to coax the words out of your mouth.

“Have for a while. Sorry,” you said quietly.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?” He said before leaning forwards and taking a swig from his bottle.

He stared into your eyes before blinking and leaning back again. He was thinking. You didn’t say anything. You couldn’t figure out how to. How do you explain that you thought he would never like you?

“Well because I’m me and I’m not- I’m not like you. I’m different,” you managed to mumble.

One of his eyebrows raised and he stared at you. It was like he could see into your soul. He couldn’t but it sure felt like it.

“Because you weren’t born a boy, right? Is that what you’re getting at, bub?”

His voice was quiet and thoughtful. It sounded like he understood. Could he understand? You’d always thought no one would understand you.

Eventually, you nodded and glanced away from him.

With a finger, he moved your face back to look at him and tutted at you.

“Don’t look away from me, okay? I ain’t gonna think of you different so how about you explain it to me, the old geezer, yeah?”

You nodded and slowly you smiled. Maybe this would be okay. Maybe he could understand.

“Um, so I was born… a girl, ew, but when I started growing up, I realized I didn’t like that that much and eventually I figured out that I was a boy so I was trans,” you said slowly, trying to make sense.

He nodded along and rested his hand on your knee, squeezing it every so often. He took a swig of his beer as he listened intently.

“And when I ended up here as an adult, I was able to get on T and so now I look more like a man and I’m happier,” you finished.

You drunk some more of your beer and he smiled. He squeezed your knee again.

“Well you’re a hot man, thats for sure,” he chuckled.

You started blushing and chuckled before taking another sip. That wasn’t what you’d been expecting but it made you happy. He made you happy.

You two sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company, until Logan cleared his throat.

“I want to understand you more, bub. I wanna be there for you, okay? Can I do that for you?”

This sounded like maybe he was reciprocating your crush but maybe not. That was probably too hopeful.

You nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that, Log.”

He smiled as well and leaned in slightly. “And I’d like to maybe take ya out sometime as well.”

Okay, there it was. He reciprocated and you had to try so hard to not jump up and scream from excitement.

“Yeah, I’d really like that, Logan,” you said with a soft smile.

[triptychgardener]

Hello sorry if this is a bother but I am asking in good faith where is the reading for transmasc nepeta. I’m asking this cuz of your last ask (the June one) and I see aradia Dirk and Jane. Thoes all I have seen post and analysis about. But I have not really seen anything about nepeta.

Okay so first thing you gotta understand is that gender in Homestuck, for lack of a better way to say it, can be understood in how characters reflect and relate to each other. That being said to understand Nepeta's gender, we gotta understand the gender of at the very least one other person.

Dave.

And more specifically.

Davepeta, Homestuck's very own first(ish) trans character.

Davepeta is noted to be a sort of platonic ideal of existence for both Dave and Nepeta. Somehow, through a strange series of cosmic coincidences, these two end up making an odd sort of parallel. Both having a strange relationship to a man who loves him some goddamn horses. The whole Akwete Purrmusk thing. I mean, Dave canonically engaged in semi-nonironic furry roleplay with Nepeta offscreen, and given what we know about what becoming a furry in Homestuck means, it's not a leap to describe this as their ideal form.

But, although we don't see a lot of Nepeta's character arc, we do see a lot of Dave's. He struggles his whole life under an incredibly oppressive masculine force (both of Bro and, indirectly, Lord English), and once the game is over ends up deconstructing and largely rejecting that.

So when Davesprite, who's also probably been thinking about this for even longer, bereft of purpose or identity, finds a kindred soul in a spunky catgirl... well the rest is Davepeta.

And similarly, there are points in the story where Nepeta acts kind of uncomfortable with how others see her as exclusively something to be protected. The whole "Dear, sweet, precious Nepeta" grates on her early on, as Equius uses it as an excuse to control her actions. The whole of moiraillegience as it is originally explained (i.e. one party helps to calm down an especially brutal and violent person from outbursts of anger, and in turn that person will protect the more docile, even-tempered soul from external harm) even kind of FEELS like the way heterosexual relationships are portrayed in a lot of conservative spaces, where women are nuturers and caretakers while men are protectors. And Nepeta is supposed to, in this situation, be the person who helps Equius manage his emotions, which she feels some consternation at!

Now, over the course of Hivebent, their relationship appears to evolve and get a bit more balanced, but it still carries these overtones of "I will protect you, and you will handle my outbursts." Notably, when Equius goes to seek the Highb100d, and leaves Nepeta behind.

And of course not after roleplaying as each other.

Which. I mean come on.

But notably, Nepeta doesn't just stay put! She doesn't really want to be protected all the time! And when push comes to shove, she leaps out to defend, or at the very least avenge, her best friend.

And then, we don't really see Nepeta for a while!

Until we get to the end of the comic.

During their whole "date", Nepeta seems a little uncomfortable with Jasprose's affections. She may be a bit flattered, but Jasprose also fully admits later that she was frankly looking for any girl she could fall in love with after the tragic death of her girlfriend and possible more tragic untimely resurrection.

But then the pivotal handshake happens, and we get to see who is perhaps the most happy being in all of Homestuck.

Then we get into some of the only actual discussion of gender in Homestuck. We don't get much besides that, for both of their lives, Dave and Nepeta both felt something was missing. Something felt wrong that they couldn't quite place that made them both miserable. I don't think it's a massive stretch to say this could be gender dysphoria.

And when they combine, they feel the fullness of the gendered experience they were missing, melded together like a two-piece puzzle.

Now while the abovementioned "strong identities as a boy and a girl" might throw you off, I would point to what Victoria Lacroix said about this passage: note the lack of the word "respectively." I rest my case.

Now full disclosure, my personal headcanon for Nepeta is genderfluid transmasc. The whole affinity for roleplaying lends itself to a more shifting identity and I just think Nepeta, given more time, would love exploring the little nooks and crannies of gender.

This isn't going into the more complicated shit with Gender when it comes to Equius and Dirk and all that other stuff. Here's a quick summary so you can see exactly how my brain is broken.

Anyways, thanks for the question! I hope I answered my thoughts on the topic adequately! If other people have more to say about this, please feel free to add on!

[transfemme-shelterdog]

Something about transandrophobia.

I don’t feel comfortable sharing this off-anon or on my own account due to harassment I’ve received basically every time I even implied anything about this. But I want to talk about it somewhere.

I really don’t like how masculine trans men are treated in queer spaces tbh. I can’t go out without hearing other queer people tell me how much better I’d look in a dress or skirt, that I should try on make-up, that "if I were a real man, I’d be comfortable dressing feminine", and similar sentiments.

I’ve never been particularly feminine. When I had a choice what I got to wear pre-puberty, I already dressed more "masculine"; back then, that was fine with my mother because it was funny when I was mistaken for my brother. When I got into puberty and grew out of all my comfortable clothes, my mother went incredibly hard on forcing me into femininity so no-one would ever "mistake" me for a boy again. I’m talking shit like every single one of my bras was a push-up bra because my tits were to small from thirteen. I had to beg for summer-pants longer than those super-short barely-covering-your-ass-pants because I straight up couldn’t sit in those pants.

Now that I’m an adult and can finally choose my own clothes again, I dress masculine again. And people hate that so much. From my relatives I hear or heard all the time (some have luckily stopped now) how much prettier I looked a few years ago and shit. And then I go into queer spaces. Spaces I should be able to present how I want. And hear the same shit.

But because they add "men can be feminine, too!" I’m not allowed to say anything against it because that must mean I hate feminine men instead of, yk, "I am not feminine".

I’m sick of being treated like, idk, eye-candy. Like I have to be pretty to look at for everyone, my own comfort be damned. As if what I want doesn’t matter, only what everyone else wants of me.

"You just need to get over your childhood trauma, then you’ll enjoy dressing feminine!" Because masculine people don’t exist at all or something. And the way to "get me over" my childhood trauma is to constantly re-traumatise me and expect that to ""fix me"" and make me nicer for others to look and gawk at.

"Trans men need to embrace their femininity" all power to those who want to but there’s literally no femininity for me to "embrace". It’s never been there. All traces of femininity on me have been forced onto me; that’s not me. Shedding "my" femininity and starting to dress and present masculine again has been the most freeing thing I’ve ever done. I won’t go back, no matter how many people tell me to.

Yeah that's just gross and I hate that. I'm sorry people treat you that way Anon. Masculine trans men are just as valid as feminine ones, and you shouldn't have people trying to coerce you into being something you're not. It reeks of transphobia, if I'm being honest.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AMITA for lying to everyone I know about my identity’s as a queer/neurodivergent person?

I (18M) am a bisexual, transgender man who is also autistic, ADHD, and OCD. When people hear this about me, even if they know me, I feel like they build up this image of me as an awkward, “cringy” 11 year old who’s obsessed with “cringy” fandoms. And while i have a qualm with this because I know they are looking down on people who are just less masked/higher support needs, I also dislike that they do this because it’s just not who I am. Without the labels, I mostly seem like just a normal dude, if not a bit nerdy.

I also used to be extremely bullied as a kid (7-12) to the point of a suicide attempt, mostly due to homophobic, transphobic, or ablest remarks about me. Since then I’ve completely changed community’s and do not talk to anyone i knew before high school.

When authority figures (Teachers, Show Directors, Investors of the teen programs I lead) apply ablest/transphobic stereotypes or prejudices to me, they also tend to be less,,, normal? around me. Less kind compared to other kids, call me an “inspiration”, or they’ll coddle me when I’m incredibly capable. I do a lot for someone my age- and I know the connections I make now at conferences and whatnot will help me in the long run. My dad’s family is poor, and my immediate family is more comfortable but not that much. I know I’m smart, and I can weaponize that to get a better life for my family by getting good scholarships and jobs in good fields. I can’t just let people who could be very important to my goals look down on me. So i just.. don’t tell them anything about me. They might assume Im odd or “not normal”, and for the most part I let them assume whatever, but if i’m ever asked directly about anything I deny it. Especially in relation to me being transgender; I have the very privileged ability to pass without any medical intervention, and I use that to pretend to be cisgender. Living in the deep south of USAmerica, most of who I am could make my social life very uncomfortable to downright miserable.

Here’s where the problem starts happening. when my social and (what i consider to be a) “professional” life occasionally touch, I wouldn’t be able to be out everywhere socially without someone I don’t want knowing finding out. So i don’t tell any of my classmates/friends/peers about any of my identities either. I hang out with queer and straight people, never be actively homophobic/ablest, and will be very vague about the two questions i’ve ever received about any of that stuff. It’s very, very exhausting to pretend all the time, every day, especially pretending that I’m cisgender because it’s a tricky game, but I can’t really back down and I’m afraid that I might get bullied again if I was ever open about it with classmates.

A few months ago, I was dating this guy, who i’ll call Kai (17M) Kai is also a transgender man, but does not pass at all and is comfortable with it. He’ll get shit sometimes, but also has essentially no straight friends. I told him I was queer when we became good friends, and then told him I was trans after we started dating. I also told him why I lie about being cishet or neurotypical, and while he didn’t seem happy he didn’t push it at first. I told him that I understood if he didn’t want to be in a secret relationship, but because of where we live and what I want to do I wasn’t comfortable with being out again. He said he still wanted to date me, and claimed he would support me, and we had a pretty good relationship overall.

A month after that, he started bringing it up again. He told me that I was more than my identity, and if people didn’t see me for who I am instead of stereotypes, it isn’t worth talking to them at all. And while I agree with the sentiment, it’d never be possible to just not hear someone if they were harassing me, and while I truely dislike a lot of the authority figures that I engage with, they are in the professional fields I’m interested in, and I’m incredibly lucky for getting where I am so early. Kai also said that since I am well known in our very small school (only 300 kids), being out could be a positive influence on what people think about autistic people or trans people. In a particularly heated fight, he even said I was doing a disservice or betrayal to my community by not representing or being proud of being apart of them publicly.

We broke up pretty soon after, but I think about what he said a lot. I know that I wouldn’t be the only out person at my school, and that my school is actually a lot better compared to most local schools, which are a lot larger and… dramatic, but I just don’t think I could be out without going back to how I used to be mentally. And Kai was right about how I could be a good influence on some of the meaner classmates- I do think some of my peers who I ingenuinely connect with might reconsider their prejudices if they knew I was transgender.

I’m intentionally choosing not to take the opportunity to do better. It wouldn’t ruin ALL my relationships with the authority figures I consider to be important holding, since it would just be my school, It might dampen one or two of them. Plus, I’m lying to pretty much everyone who knows me. They build relationships with a false idea of me, and I feel like an asshole sometimes because I’m not honest.

TLDR: I’m a transgender, autistic guy in a very bigoted community. Everybody thinks i’m cishet and neurotypical. AMITA for not being proud of who I am because of potential social losses, and AMITA for lying to people and giving friends/peers false ideas about who I am even if they would not be friends with me if they knew?

What are these acronyms?

[wc-confessions]

(Wanna preface this with i really don't care about Nightheart's character, and add that i am trans and do NOT see the trans reading for his character.)

I'm 99% sure a lot of peoples dislike for Nightheart is absolutely just because of his legacy arc being odd and also his weird hatred of most of the women in his life.

Nightheart is not the only Firestar descendant. There are so many cats related and descended from Firestar it's not even funny. Placing all of Firestar's expectations on Nightheart alone makes absolutely no sense. Do you wanna know which cat DID have that lined up for them, only for their entire character to go no where?

Sparkpelt.

Nightheart's own mother. Who looks EXACTLY like Firestar, was born not long after he died, and who's Clanmates even said they thought she'd be named SparkFIRE, for goodness sake. She was a prodigy in AVOS, it was half the reason Alderheart was so bitter with her and yet... nothing happened.

Her character as a prodigy vanished not long after becoming a warrior. She snarked back at the imposter, defended her mother, almost died to dogs, had kids and then had to watch her mate and one of said kids die right in front of her. She went through Post Partum for like. maybe a month. she was BANISHED for a period of time, something out of her control, which Nightheart fully blames her for and claims she "abandoned him".

Nightheart's entire arc just... doesn't make sense. I don't get people claiming the trans angle either, because he just doesn't like his name. That's it. Cis People very frequently don't like their names, get their names changed, ect. They can have dead names. that is not exclusively a "Trans thing". His arc is just a mess and honestly we could've had this whole arc without it and it'd be fine. Up until his little quest with Frostpaw he does NOTHING to add to the plot or story progression. Even then, it could've been Frostpaw's pov anyways!

Nightheart just... isn't interesting. He's another boring male protag who we're supposed to pity and worship despite him doing fuck all when there are multiple other protags who are so much more interesting but get pushed to the side bc man pain is more important.

.

[bryszket]

MAEJ TIME. IT IS MAEJ TIME.

Social media is always fun, as I'll have to try to condense into two sentences why one of our books just HAS to be read by someone, so thank God for tumblr, where I get to have as many sentences as I want and go into the nitty-gitty a bit.

I haven't talked much about publishing on here, but I started this project (aka tRaum Books) with a friend in 2021, as a labor of love and as a venue to put out the types of books that even indie queer presses (probably) wouldn't touch. Because they were too risky (in theme and/or length); because they were queer and/or trans in a way that wasn't necessarily validating or relatable, because they slipped between genres, or were written by someone with too low of a following to net a guaranteed readership. I've never embraced the 'publisher' role and to the end, consider myself an artist and writer: of things that are too X for this crowd, and not Y enough for the other. This is not meant to be a pissNmoan. I get it. Our money is limited, our time even more so, and it makes perfect sense that someone would want to dedicate their time to a book that can clearly outline what the experience will be. That just happens to not be the type of writing I produce or what I am drawn to. I like to be surprised and am often drawn to books that surprise me and cannot be summarized easily.

So that is the type of work I have sought to put out. The hard-to-pin-down. More accurately, I should say it is the type of work that has found me, because our press notoriously has never had an open call for submissions. Books just find us when the time is right.

So I had come to Dale Stromberg's high-fantasy MAEJ not as a potential publisher, but as a beta reader and I still remember vividly my first impression of being blown away by the sheer attention to detail, the pure CRAFTSMANSHIP of the story. As intricate and precise as one of those handmade wooden puzzle boxes. But I also remember another impression: a certain sorrow from thinking, man. There is nobody on earth who would ever publish this. Not because it isn't excellent, amazing, in turns difficult and also fun to read (MAEJ is all of these things). But because it requires an immersion and trust from the reader that I believe many (if not most) simply do not possess anymore. The most powerful publishers could weave their marketing magic and get people to buy it, but the amount of readers who would actually make it to the end (if we say a book being read, not just a book being bought, is the goal)--so, such a reader seemed rare.

More simply, I felt like I had been allowed to witness some rare endangered species of a book--the kind everyone online bemoans nobody publishing anymore, yet few would honestly want to confront.

Both a relic and a touchstone. A vociferously political book that didn't sermonize--the message was baked into every magical tile paving those fictive streets. I knew then that i wanted to try to help publish the book. If the author wanted to deal with small press, that is (which many times, let's be honest, could be bestowing upon a book's forehead the kiss of obscurity).

There is not much a tiny publisher like myself can bring to a book's release that the author could not do themselves (given some investment and time and oh yeah, patience). Much of us have limited reach, and again, MAEJ was not the type of book that I felt would automatically pique the interest of many of my followers. What I could do though is help the author along in what is sometimes so hard to do for your own fiction. I could go out and yell, yo, you should really really read this. If you enjoy high fantasy, an effortless gender subversion, and prose infused with a magical playfulness. If you like to try to recreate the reading experience akin to being ten again and curling up with a huge tome of an adventure, and letting the outside world slip away. YOU NEED TO READ THIS.

Those who push past the initial resistance will be rewarded handsomely by the final grand mosaic Stromberg creates of what seem at first a plethora of chaotic, colorful tiles. It is indeed a rare and complex, awe-inspiring thing of beauty. And if you read all that and say, okay cool dude, but what the fuck is it ABOUT? (Fair.) The book is about 200293903203402023 things, but the main story-line is about four women of vastly different backgrounds who come together and try to challenge who is sacrificed to keep their magical matriarchy running.

Order your own physical or ebook copy of MAEJ. Grab a free ARC copy of the book. Add MAEJ on Goodreads.

I want to thank the author @dalestromberg for his patience with working with me. I know that dealing with me is often chicken-fried chaos, so thanks for coming along for the ride. I want to thank @zillanovikov. While she was not directly involved in this project, nobody can ask for a better writing and pub buddy and I'm really grateful to know her.

I want to thank @flameswallower for writing one of the best reviews of MAEJ ever. Not only are they an inspiring writer, but a vocal supporter of small press, and another author I am happy to have gotten the chance to work with.

And @baconorigami for all his support. <3

And to thank you, dear readers! To those of you who boost our posts, collect our books, leave reviews--engage. You make it all worth it. <3<3<3

[brothermoth]

on trans men

I think there's a huge uptick in transphobia (I shan't use the no no word because this isn't about that, but I will use the tag for traction) towards trans men. It is NOT from any one group in particular, but I think the queer community especially needs to reckon with this alongside discussions of transfeminism and the overall social reckoning with trans people as a whole. We're a hot topic right now and facing so much fucking nonsense.

I think y'all need to hear from a person. We're all people, I think we forget sometimes.

I'm 5'1, I've got uncomfortably big tits. I look like a 13 year old closeted gay boy if you squint your eyes a bit. I do not pass, except maybe to old people once in a while who think I'm a child. In my personal life I do not discuss my gender identity. I'm not out to a single family member and I pushed my mom far enough by getting my hair cut short and buying men's clothes—so I will not be pushing further until I'm out of the house. I wouldn't necessarily be unsafe, but it would ruin every single (already deeply awkward) relationship with every person in my family. I think the stress would finally do me in, and I literally just stopped being suicidal like eight months ago when I started college.

I don't feel like a person, just someone in a state of waiting like I've been in a cocoon my whole life with no end in sight. Starting college was a chance for me to peek out a bit and start to explore something I really couldn't before. For the first time I could actually start to say I'm transmasc.

Hearing someone who I already felt disliked me say "ugh I hate men" spiked my anxiety through the damn roof. I need y'all to understand what that feels like to a trans man, especially one just starting to step out of the closet. I have C-PTSD and severe trust issues to boot, and now I have to decide whether we just don't click as people or if she (a queer woman) just doesn't like me because I'm masc. I've had it happen, it's not an unfounded anxiety spiral.

It's not actively oppressing me for her to say that, but it still hurts. You don't THINK about who you are hurting. It's not Kyle with his MAGA hat and Ford F-150. It's the closeted trans guy who is now deeply wary of you and also overanalyzing everything he does to avoid making you uncomfortable.

I might be taking this discourse a bit personally. I'm aware, despite my brain being a soup of mental illness. It's just strangers on the internet after all, but it does bleed into my own personal life and it's fucking heartbreaking. It really is.

I think some of you forgot that trans men are people. I think some of you have stripped us of our humanity and our lives and the things that we struggle with every day. I'll call it what it is: it's fucking transphobia.

You do not get to enable or enact transphobia on trans men in the name of feminism. We're your fucking allies. Abortion bans and transphobic legislature and abuse in relationships and ostracisation from society and family. We're not a monolithic group of bearded Abercrombie models (not to shame those who are, y'all are great), in fact I think it's fair to say that most trans men are seen as women. A lot of us don't correct people when they assume. To everyone but myself I'm a smartass autistic girl. I have more in common with the incredible Jennifer Coates in her article "I am a trans woman. I am in the closet. I am not coming out" than I do with a cis man.

And I'm sorry but there's very few trans men with ANY social privilege to oppress anyone. To pretend otherwise is to be ignorant of our lives, our history, and us as people who are often in the same situations as trans women. We're seen as women who are "trying to be men" trying to achieve something that even cis men can't get right. We're "dykes" we're "trannies" we're sex perverts and sex workers and faggots and failed daughters who will never do anything right. Budget lesbians, little girls. Cis womanhood and masculinity are things that no trans person can ever achieve. Don't be foolish enough to pretend otherwise.

Trans women you are my allies. My transfem friends are in the same situation as me. Afraid to come out, stuck being yourself only in certain places and struggling with our own cages of oppression.

Lesbians you are my allies. Especially you, butch lesbians. Never good enough, never perfect enough, never what your parents wanted and always questioned about the way you dress or do your hair.

We're not as different as we often think.

Building community and solidarity means listening and understanding sharing experiences that are often so similar.

Communism=community I don't know why SO MANY Marx stans refuse to understand that his views rely on understanding and cooperation between working class people (which is also why I think communism is deeply flawed....i think daddy Karl had a bit too much faith in humanity, but that's another issue)

Separatism is death. I am not kidding. You know what emperor penguins do when Arctic winters get to sub zero temperatures? They huddle together and take turns bearing the brunt of the wind.

Don't fucking buy into separatist bullshit. Find fucking common ground with your allies, talk it through like adults instead of resorting to name calling and hatred.

Any activism worth it's salt must come from a place of love rather than hate. Vitriol solves nothing and y'all are tearing us all apart.

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[bonedo-enthusiast]

coming out to bnd 𐂐◯𓇋

A/N: my first ever actual tumblr post! (AHH) i’m still learning about how to use tumblr and whatnot but… i had this thought one day and figured maybe i should post it. hope you guys like it. (also btw lowercase is intended!) :)

tws: none(?), mention of homophobia/transphobia but only in passing

genre(s): fluff, comfort

wc: 723

sungho

“oh, really?”

surprised but tries not to be too surprised because he doesn’t want to make you feel weird

will take your secret to his grave if need be

probably won't ask you many questions because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable

assures you that this won't change anything about your friendship

he might be a little awkward though, unsure of how to segue into a different subject

if you came out as trans, it would definitely take several months for him to be able to switch to your new name and pronouns

not out of malice, but because he knew you for so long as (insert deadname)

he would cringe every time he slips up, quickly apologizing and moving right along

riwoo

"oh... thanks for telling me."

similarly to sungho, he's surprised

but he's definitely more awkward about it

like to the point you wonder if he's homophobic/transphobic

but he just has so many thoughts and questions swirling around in his head

like how long have you known? what does this mean? does this change anything about your friendship? (no, of course not!)

once he pushes those thoughts aside, he smiles at you tells you he's glad you told him

now you both are closer than ever! <3

no but i feel like whenever riwoo would mess up your pronouns, he'd apologize profusely

like to the point where it's very awkward...

but he's trying his best! :,)

jaehyun

"oh word?"

no but something in me tells me jaehyun would get excited (?)

(like this man may or may not have taken a "am i gay test" in high school kind of vibes)

"whaaaat?!"

if you came out as trans, he would definitely insist on buying necessary supplies for you, especially if your birthday is around the corner :D

he's super sweet and supportive, immediately asking you what your new name/pronouns are

"ooh, that's such a cool name!"

and if you came out with your sexuality, he would always consider this when talking about attractive people

like pointing out cute people you'd potentially be attracted to with your newly revealed sexuality

might even try setting you up with them lol

taesan

"okay... and? took you long enough."

bro already knew 😭

taesan strikes me as a very observant person, so i feel like he'd already have some idea

maybe he'd even start viewing you as the gender you transition to, before you even tell him

(he's psychic! /j)

in his mind, that's who you are and who you always have been! <3

as a result, he would have no issues with getting your pronouns/name right

as for sexuality, he really doesn't care (respectfully)

"cool."

like. so nonchalant.

leehan

"oh? tell me more."

i feel like he'd be very curious about your identity (if you're comfortable telling him about it of course!)

he's a big listener and likes learning about things, so he would be very good to talk to about these things

and actually, i could even see him doing some research to try and learn more about his friend and understand them better :)

i see him as the kind of person you'd come out to first, just because he's so understanding

like you could come to him with your fears and worries about your realized identity and he'd just be so so sweet :(

"you're still the same person, and you're still my friend. you are never alone. it's okay, we can figure this out together."

PLS 😭💗

woonhak

"huh... so what does that mean exactly?"

i'm not sure he would understand anything beyond the basic terms most people know (like gay, lesbian, trans)

so if you were to come out to him as, say, nonbinary, he might need some explaining about what exactly that means

but regardless, he'll just smile and nod

but still be confused because why are you telling him this??

he wonders if he's supposed to do something with this information, or just listen

i can so picture him trying hard to pay attention to what you're saying while at the same time trying to figure this stuff out in his head lol

but once he's past this internal debate, he's so sweet

messes up your pronouns/ name quite a bit at first though

"yeah, me and (insert deadname)-- i mean, wait! sorry, (insert chosen name)..."