#that i am a 'trans man' if i really get pushed on it. most times i just say my pronouns are he/him and drop it there

[illogicalghost]

i used to get so uncomfortable when strangers would call me she/her, but now i just find it amusing 🤭 i don't think i really care that much what random people call me, i'm not gonna see them again most likely, and honestly they can just believe whatever they want about what gender they think i am, i really don't care 😝

[imtrying-ok]

I'm from a family where women are in charge of most things, finances, the house, bills getting paid on time, important administrative and historical documents and papers, family heirlooms (men are so dumb, they can't be trusted with that stuff!), the children. In my subconscious mind, women work harder. Women go to work everyday and men are just lazy slobs. All men are good for is a (smaller, obviously) supplementary income, having kids with, maybe cooking, and only sometimes emotional companionship. (I am serious - this has been said to me in different ways by multiple family members, from my mom to my great grandmother)

I was told I was so lucky to be born a girl, because I get to join this long line of women. That they were so lucky I was born a girl so they had someone to continue a legacy with. That they could dream of never loving a boy the same way. That they could never let a man continue this legacy, he's too dumb! He'd lose everything. He wouldn't care about the legacy, obviously. He'd just ruin it like all men do. They're so glad I'm around, I'll inherit everything and take great care of it.

I wanted to wear a suit to my father's wedding and they were scared. They heard me going by my gender neutral last name instead of my feminine first name (inherited from my greatx5 grandmother no less) and they hated it. "Don't you want to be a girl?" But I know what they really meant was "don't you want to be what I think you should be?" Then my grandmother talks about how she's scared she won't have anyone to inherit her house, her things, the pieces of history she takes care of (a piece of the Berlin wall, an old German family Bible, my family's passports from the 1800s, a handwoven tapestry, etc... "old country" stuff that every European immigrant family has laying around for some reason. But that's for another post.)

I know why it apparently can't go to me anymore. I've been 'tainted'. My beautiful feminine qualities have been pushed out by my desire to be a handsome untrustworthy kind violent man (they can't even call me that) other . They could handle if I was a lesbian, it was only logical to like other women, and my mother dated women as often as she dated men throughout my life. They could handle if I didn't want kids, in fact, I was told explicitly to not have them in the past (thanks grandma), they can betray you and leave you heartbroken (thanks mom). They couldn't handle me being a man.

There is some kind of inherent quality of being a man that makes you bad. And I was choosing to betray them and myself.

Needless to say, I don't feel very comfortable in trans or feminist spaces.

[cat-in-a-mech-suit]

Transmasculinity Throughout Time: Greek Mythology

This is a relief of Caeneus from Greek Mythology getting beaten into the ground by centaurs with trees. He is one of three trans men in Greek myths that I will be discussing! Not only am I looking at actual historical trans men, but examples of transmasculine figures in myths and stories too. The next one will be FtM crossdressing and transmasculine longings written in Shakespeare - I am still wondering though, what other examples of transmasculinity in fictional myths and stories are out there?

Reiterating, I am not any kind of authority on history and am getting my information from accessible internet resources- if you want a source on something specific, ask - many sources are slightly to very problematic in how they talk about gender and transmasculinity so I prefer to not post them directly but will give them in the comments on request if you want to look into something. For this post, I am just going off of Wikipedia. Anyways, anything I post in Transmasculinity Throughout Time is my own opinions, I will talk casually and formally (I don’t really distinguish formality due to autism), and I will use the pronouns of my best judgement. If you don’t like this series for any reason, cool, don’t interact. If you like it and want to give suggestions, cool. I would like to bring transmasculine histories to light in my own way, and welcome a curious and open minded discussion.

In Greek myths, there are three trans men who are known of: Caeneus, Iphis, and Leucippus. If you read the following about Caeneus, please be aware of the content: specifically, TW for SA. Skip to Iphis and Leucippus after the break if you’d prefer to avoid it.

Caeneus was the child of Elatus and Hippea. He was born a girl, but was transformed into an invulnerable man after being raped by Poseidon. In some accounts, he asked to be transformed to avoid pregnancy. In others, it is simply so he doesn’t suffer the same thing again. This narrative is very interesting to me. Some modern sanism and queerphobia manifests as the idea of transmasculinity, lesbianism, or queerness of any kind as a response to sexual trauma. But Caeneus wasn’t a one dimensional victim turned oppressor. He was the strongest warrior of his day after he was transformed, and became king of the Lapiths. Somehow, he angered the gods, exactly how is unclear - it is suggested that it could have been worshipping or encouraging others to worship a spear instead of the gods. As punishment, they sent centaurs after him.

The most popular story involving Caeneus is actually his battle with the centaurs, not his gender transformation. It was called centauromachy, a battle between Lapiths and centaurs. Because he was invulnerable, none of the centaurs weapons worked on him, and he was difficult to defeat - to kill him, they had to actually bury him in the earth by beating him down with stones and uprooted trees. These centaurs were transphobic too. They said:

“Shall I put up with one like you, O Caeneus?

For you are still a woman in my sight.

Have you forgot your birth or that disgrace

by which you won reward—at what a price

you got the false resemblance to a man?!

Consider both your birth, and what you have

submitted to! Take up a distaff, and

wool basket! Twist your threads with practiced thumb!

Leave warfare to your men!” (Ovid, Metamorphoses).

“Transandrophobia isn’t real” “trans men have no historical presence” Meanwhile greek mythology be like… anyways.. So .. Then.. the centaurs were defeated by him! He was invulnerable. But they could still beat him into the ground with uprooted trees. It is described in Races’ translation of Argonautica, Apollonius of Rhodes: “They rallied against him, but were not strong enough to push him back nor to kill him, so instead, unbroken and unbending, he sank beneath the earth, hammered by the downward force of mighty pine trees.” This makes me think about how transmasculinity is buried in history.. Onto the next myths!

Iphis and Leucippus both have very similar stories. Iphis was born of Ligdus and Telethusa. Ligdus only wanted a son, and said he would only let the child live if it was male. The goddess Isis asked Telethusa to keep the child regardless of how it is born, and promised her aid in the future. Iphis grew up raised as a boy, and was “officially” transformed by Isis before marrying a girl, Ianthe. From Ovid, Metamorphoses:

“Her face seemed of a darker hue, her strength seemed greater, and her features were more stern. Her hair once long, was unadorned and short. There is more vigor in her than she showed in her girl ways. For in the name of truth, Iphis, who was a girl, is now a man!”

Leucippus’ tale is almost the same, he was born of Lamprus and Galatea, Lamprus would only accept a male child, and Galatea concealed Leucippus’ birth sex from her husband, giving him a masculine name and referring to him as her son. Upon puberty, he was changed physically into a man by the goddess Leto. This story actually inspired a male rite of passage in Phaistos dedicated to Leto, and inspired a wedding custom where brides would lie next to an image or statue of Leucippus before weddings. Two customs in an ancient greek city being inspired by a story about a trans man is an important and cool fact methinks.

[momolady]

Sirion the Vampire

-Patreon - Ko-Fi - Commissions - Masterlist - 3K words - Trans-Male Reader x Male Monster Forbidden Love - Elopement - Vampire Feeding - True Self

Taking hold of that hand, you held it close, unafraid of the dark and certainly not worried about the cold. You looked into the darkness of his eyes, assured of what he said. 

“Then let’s go.” Your breath came out in thick, curtaining billows. “Take me there, we can’t leave soon enough.”

A smile spread across his face and he leaned in to kiss you. You had vowed long ago you would go anywhere with him, do whatever it took to stand by his side. When he saw you, truly saw you, there was no turning back. Forever you two were locked together.

The night you ran, he made quite the grand spectacle of it. Of course Sirion had to let the whole world know, that was never a question in your mind. He took you from your home, glaring deep into the eyes of your family who had been holding you captive in your own home all this time. He stared at them, wishing them to burst into flames, but instead he let them live, peacefully as you had requested. Even as your father’s old gun rang through the streets, all you wanted was for them to be left alone

The carriage was an ornate one, one harkening back to the old days when the vampires had once ruled this land. There were no windows, so you could not see outside to where you were going. But there were jewels, or at least where jewels had once been. The empty settings seemed to plead for something to hold. The seats were luxurious, silk and down you assumed.

“It will take us a while to get there,” Sirion murmured. 

You looked up from your exploring, catching the somewhat grim look upon his face. He raised his hand, showing the blood on his palm from where you fathers’s bullet grazed him.

Jumping up from your seat, you rushed to his side. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It is nothing to worry about,” he growled as you sat beside him, peeling away his cloak to inspect the wound. “I will heal fast. After all, at the moment, I am still full of you.”

Placing your palm over the wound, you glared into his eyes.

Sirion laughed. “Don’t give me such a look.” He languidly placed his hands over his face, hiding but a slip of his eyes. “Not when we should be celebrating.”

You huffed. “You haven’t rested either.”

Placing his long, heavy arm around you, Sirion pulled you in close. “I was far too excited.” He relaxed his body as yours drew closer. “It will be just us now. No hiding, no secrets, no shadows.” His eyes gazed up to the roof of the carriage where a starry night scene was painted. “A place of moonlight,” he breathed.

You were exhausted as well, and resting your head upon his chest was the most sumptuous pillow you could find.

When you woke, the carriage had stopped. You raised from the seat, rubbing your eyes as you gazed around. Outside you heard voices, Sirion’s was among them. As you opened the door and peered out, you saw a dark, endless scene of pillars and dark. The air was musky and cold, and echoes of water were all around.

“There he is.” Sirion’s voice guided you to his visage, standing in the light of a torch. “Come,” he beckoned to you. “They will be taking care of you.”

“For what?” You frowned, looking at the tall, pale woman before you and her short, somewhat hairy companion.

Sirion held onto your shoulders and chuckled. “To prepare you for your new life, of course. To be my groom.”

Your heart pounded, taking another look at the couple before you.

“I’ll be fixing your hair,” the man said and spit to the side.

The woman smirked, amused by the man’s behavior. “And I have clothes for you, Sirion requested a lavish wardrobe for you, my lord.”

The pulse of your heart was likely noticed by everyone in your presence. “Really?” You looked up at Sirion in awe.

“Really,” he chuckled. He pushed against your back. “They will take care of you, and I will rest.”

You followed the man and woman, taken to a bunker-like building. Inside was lavish in a pauper type of way. Things that had once been grand mixed with others that looked stolen or upgraded. 

The man had you sit in a chair while he took out a glimmering silver razor and scissor set. In a rage, your father had lopped off your hair, leaving it uneven, in hanging chunks, and skin close patches. You were relieved to feel the hairy man’s scissors snip away and the cold of the razor against the back of your neck.

Meanwhile the woman pulled out a trunk, an extra package set aside upon the top which she opened. Inside was a dark red and black suit. The material looked familiar to you, but you couldn’t place it.

“There now,” the man turned you in the chair. “How does that look?”

The mirror was broken, but you still appeared in it just fine, unlike the man and woman. Your hair was masculine, swooped to the side and the flowing front tucked behind your ear and the sides shaved short due to your fathers assault. It was how you always wanted to look. You looked like the man you knew you were.

“That’s amazing,” you whispered, touching your face.

The woman then approached from behind. “And your new wardrobe is even better!” She said excitedly. “Come, come, you must get dressed.”

The man walked off, going to prepare something in the corner while the woman dressed you.  She took note of the bite mark on your thigh, giving you a wink and a smile. She dressed you in the fine suit, making sure the hems set right and everything fit. 

“Perfect! The measurements were precise.” She moved you to the mirror again, showing you yourself. The suit hugged what it needed and hid what you didn’t want. You looked like the vision you saw in your head, the one that never had appeared to you before. Tears came to your eyes.

“I knew it! I did it!” The woman clapped her hands together then turned to the man, taking from him a silver clutch. She opened it, showing you the needle inside. “Sirion will know the rest,” she whispered to you. “He always provides.”

Still in tears, you weren’t sure how to respond.

The man and woman finished your meeting by giving you food, which seemed a bit jumbled, but you were hungry so the meal didn’t matter.

Afterwards, you were presented to Sirion, whose grin could have matched yours. He ran up to you, scooping you up and tossing you about in the air.

“My dashing prince!” he announced loudly and proudly. “Look how you shine!” He hugged you to his chest, his long fingers grasped around your head. “I knew you were meant for the finery of the vampires.” He smoothed his palms down your collar. “I had her make this from the suit I was wearing when we first met.”

That’s where it seemed so familiar! You beamed from ear to ear, even larger than before. “I love it,” you breathed into his chest. “Thank you!”

He stroked your hair, feeling the closely shaved sides with a delicate touch. “From now on, you will be seen. I promise. Where we are going, you will only see your best self.” He then laughed. “We don’t use mirrors much, but I have one just for you.” He bent down, kissing you. His lips were cool, but you had grown to love that feeling.

Once in the carriage again, Sirion had you in his lap, his hand in your pants touching you, feeling your desire from him grow.

“Seeing you like this, it makes me feel alive again,” he chuckled into your ear. His voice was breathy, deep, full of longing. “I cannot wait for us to make love for the first time.”

You moaned, fidgeting a bit in his lap. His fingers curled, eliciting a deep moan from your lips. “But we have.”

“Not like this,” he growled. “Not in freedom.” His fingers were slick, making wetter sounds as he moved. “I doubt I can hold myself until we reach safety.”

“You don’t have to,” you gasped. “We can-” You kept losing your breath from his touch. “We can do it now.”

Sirion breathed something of his old language into your ear. “I would enjoy that very much.”

Enjoy the rest as a free member over on Patreon!

[stormyelliotwritez]

ok ik youre not taking requests rn (btw hope u have a good time during ur break) but whenever you can itd be much appreciated if you could continue the ftmxlogan fic (the one where the reader thinks hes straight but hes not) i love your work. You may further it however you like, but i personally am looking for like a supportive logan who tries understanding your identity.

Ty :3

HIIIIIIIIII IM BACK and yeah, i had a good break and now im here to make ya happy with supportive logan!!! SILLY BOY TIME!

HE’S NOT STRAIGHT?

(pt 2 of but he’s straight)

He dragged you along to the teacher’s lounge and then promptly pushed you into a seat. Without saying absolutely anything, he grabbed two beers from the fridge and then sat down next to you.

“Here ya go, bub,” he said as he held one out to you.

You took it and relaxed into the chair. He watched you for a moment before opening his beer with one claw. Damn, that’s hot. He obviously noticed your staring and slight blush and so he held his hand out, one claw still out.

“Want me to open yours?”

You nodded slowly. Damnit, why’d your words stop working? Why now? You’re literally sitting in the teachers lounge with the most hottest man ever who you’ve had a crush on for years and now your words aren’t working? Talk about bad timing!

He smirked and with that one claw, he popped the lid off your beer. He did it slowly and absolutely knew what he was doing to you. He wasn’t stupid, after all.

“So you have a crush on me, huh?” He asked with a s smirk.

You nodded again, trying to coax the words out of your mouth.

“Have for a while. Sorry,” you said quietly.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?” He said before leaning forwards and taking a swig from his bottle.

He stared into your eyes before blinking and leaning back again. He was thinking. You didn’t say anything. You couldn’t figure out how to. How do you explain that you thought he would never like you?

“Well because I’m me and I’m not- I’m not like you. I’m different,” you managed to mumble.

One of his eyebrows raised and he stared at you. It was like he could see into your soul. He couldn’t but it sure felt like it.

“Because you weren’t born a boy, right? Is that what you’re getting at, bub?”

His voice was quiet and thoughtful. It sounded like he understood. Could he understand? You’d always thought no one would understand you.

Eventually, you nodded and glanced away from him.

With a finger, he moved your face back to look at him and tutted at you.

“Don’t look away from me, okay? I ain’t gonna think of you different so how about you explain it to me, the old geezer, yeah?”

You nodded and slowly you smiled. Maybe this would be okay. Maybe he could understand.

“Um, so I was born… a girl, ew, but when I started growing up, I realized I didn’t like that that much and eventually I figured out that I was a boy so I was trans,” you said slowly, trying to make sense.

He nodded along and rested his hand on your knee, squeezing it every so often. He took a swig of his beer as he listened intently.

“And when I ended up here as an adult, I was able to get on T and so now I look more like a man and I’m happier,” you finished.

You drunk some more of your beer and he smiled. He squeezed your knee again.

“Well you’re a hot man, thats for sure,” he chuckled.

You started blushing and chuckled before taking another sip. That wasn’t what you’d been expecting but it made you happy. He made you happy.

You two sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company, until Logan cleared his throat.

“I want to understand you more, bub. I wanna be there for you, okay? Can I do that for you?”

This sounded like maybe he was reciprocating your crush but maybe not. That was probably too hopeful.

You nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that, Log.”

He smiled as well and leaned in slightly. “And I’d like to maybe take ya out sometime as well.”

Okay, there it was. He reciprocated and you had to try so hard to not jump up and scream from excitement.

“Yeah, I’d really like that, Logan,” you said with a soft smile.

[triptychgardener]

Hello sorry if this is a bother but I am asking in good faith where is the reading for transmasc nepeta. I’m asking this cuz of your last ask (the June one) and I see aradia Dirk and Jane. Thoes all I have seen post and analysis about. But I have not really seen anything about nepeta.

Okay so first thing you gotta understand is that gender in Homestuck, for lack of a better way to say it, can be understood in how characters reflect and relate to each other. That being said to understand Nepeta's gender, we gotta understand the gender of at the very least one other person.

Dave.

And more specifically.

Davepeta, Homestuck's very own first(ish) trans character.

Davepeta is noted to be a sort of platonic ideal of existence for both Dave and Nepeta. Somehow, through a strange series of cosmic coincidences, these two end up making an odd sort of parallel. Both having a strange relationship to a man who loves him some goddamn horses. The whole Akwete Purrmusk thing. I mean, Dave canonically engaged in semi-nonironic furry roleplay with Nepeta offscreen, and given what we know about what becoming a furry in Homestuck means, it's not a leap to describe this as their ideal form.

But, although we don't see a lot of Nepeta's character arc, we do see a lot of Dave's. He struggles his whole life under an incredibly oppressive masculine force (both of Bro and, indirectly, Lord English), and once the game is over ends up deconstructing and largely rejecting that.

So when Davesprite, who's also probably been thinking about this for even longer, bereft of purpose or identity, finds a kindred soul in a spunky catgirl... well the rest is Davepeta.

And similarly, there are points in the story where Nepeta acts kind of uncomfortable with how others see her as exclusively something to be protected. The whole "Dear, sweet, precious Nepeta" grates on her early on, as Equius uses it as an excuse to control her actions. The whole of moiraillegience as it is originally explained (i.e. one party helps to calm down an especially brutal and violent person from outbursts of anger, and in turn that person will protect the more docile, even-tempered soul from external harm) even kind of FEELS like the way heterosexual relationships are portrayed in a lot of conservative spaces, where women are nuturers and caretakers while men are protectors. And Nepeta is supposed to, in this situation, be the person who helps Equius manage his emotions, which she feels some consternation at!

Now, over the course of Hivebent, their relationship appears to evolve and get a bit more balanced, but it still carries these overtones of "I will protect you, and you will handle my outbursts." Notably, when Equius goes to seek the Highb100d, and leaves Nepeta behind.

And of course not after roleplaying as each other.

Which. I mean come on.

But notably, Nepeta doesn't just stay put! She doesn't really want to be protected all the time! And when push comes to shove, she leaps out to defend, or at the very least avenge, her best friend.

And then, we don't really see Nepeta for a while!

Until we get to the end of the comic.

During their whole "date", Nepeta seems a little uncomfortable with Jasprose's affections. She may be a bit flattered, but Jasprose also fully admits later that she was frankly looking for any girl she could fall in love with after the tragic death of her girlfriend and possible more tragic untimely resurrection.

But then the pivotal handshake happens, and we get to see who is perhaps the most happy being in all of Homestuck.

Then we get into some of the only actual discussion of gender in Homestuck. We don't get much besides that, for both of their lives, Dave and Nepeta both felt something was missing. Something felt wrong that they couldn't quite place that made them both miserable. I don't think it's a massive stretch to say this could be gender dysphoria.

And when they combine, they feel the fullness of the gendered experience they were missing, melded together like a two-piece puzzle.

Now while the abovementioned "strong identities as a boy and a girl" might throw you off, I would point to what Victoria Lacroix said about this passage: note the lack of the word "respectively." I rest my case.

Now full disclosure, my personal headcanon for Nepeta is genderfluid transmasc. The whole affinity for roleplaying lends itself to a more shifting identity and I just think Nepeta, given more time, would love exploring the little nooks and crannies of gender.

This isn't going into the more complicated shit with Gender when it comes to Equius and Dirk and all that other stuff. Here's a quick summary so you can see exactly how my brain is broken.

Anyways, thanks for the question! I hope I answered my thoughts on the topic adequately! If other people have more to say about this, please feel free to add on!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AMITA for lying to everyone I know about my identity’s as a queer/neurodivergent person?

I (18M) am a bisexual, transgender man who is also autistic, ADHD, and OCD. When people hear this about me, even if they know me, I feel like they build up this image of me as an awkward, “cringy” 11 year old who’s obsessed with “cringy” fandoms. And while i have a qualm with this because I know they are looking down on people who are just less masked/higher support needs, I also dislike that they do this because it’s just not who I am. Without the labels, I mostly seem like just a normal dude, if not a bit nerdy.

I also used to be extremely bullied as a kid (7-12) to the point of a suicide attempt, mostly due to homophobic, transphobic, or ablest remarks about me. Since then I’ve completely changed community’s and do not talk to anyone i knew before high school.

When authority figures (Teachers, Show Directors, Investors of the teen programs I lead) apply ablest/transphobic stereotypes or prejudices to me, they also tend to be less,,, normal? around me. Less kind compared to other kids, call me an “inspiration”, or they’ll coddle me when I’m incredibly capable. I do a lot for someone my age- and I know the connections I make now at conferences and whatnot will help me in the long run. My dad’s family is poor, and my immediate family is more comfortable but not that much. I know I’m smart, and I can weaponize that to get a better life for my family by getting good scholarships and jobs in good fields. I can’t just let people who could be very important to my goals look down on me. So i just.. don’t tell them anything about me. They might assume Im odd or “not normal”, and for the most part I let them assume whatever, but if i’m ever asked directly about anything I deny it. Especially in relation to me being transgender; I have the very privileged ability to pass without any medical intervention, and I use that to pretend to be cisgender. Living in the deep south of USAmerica, most of who I am could make my social life very uncomfortable to downright miserable.

Here’s where the problem starts happening. when my social and (what i consider to be a) “professional” life occasionally touch, I wouldn’t be able to be out everywhere socially without someone I don’t want knowing finding out. So i don’t tell any of my classmates/friends/peers about any of my identities either. I hang out with queer and straight people, never be actively homophobic/ablest, and will be very vague about the two questions i’ve ever received about any of that stuff. It’s very, very exhausting to pretend all the time, every day, especially pretending that I’m cisgender because it’s a tricky game, but I can’t really back down and I’m afraid that I might get bullied again if I was ever open about it with classmates.

A few months ago, I was dating this guy, who i’ll call Kai (17M) Kai is also a transgender man, but does not pass at all and is comfortable with it. He’ll get shit sometimes, but also has essentially no straight friends. I told him I was queer when we became good friends, and then told him I was trans after we started dating. I also told him why I lie about being cishet or neurotypical, and while he didn’t seem happy he didn’t push it at first. I told him that I understood if he didn’t want to be in a secret relationship, but because of where we live and what I want to do I wasn’t comfortable with being out again. He said he still wanted to date me, and claimed he would support me, and we had a pretty good relationship overall.

A month after that, he started bringing it up again. He told me that I was more than my identity, and if people didn’t see me for who I am instead of stereotypes, it isn’t worth talking to them at all. And while I agree with the sentiment, it’d never be possible to just not hear someone if they were harassing me, and while I truely dislike a lot of the authority figures that I engage with, they are in the professional fields I’m interested in, and I’m incredibly lucky for getting where I am so early. Kai also said that since I am well known in our very small school (only 300 kids), being out could be a positive influence on what people think about autistic people or trans people. In a particularly heated fight, he even said I was doing a disservice or betrayal to my community by not representing or being proud of being apart of them publicly.

We broke up pretty soon after, but I think about what he said a lot. I know that I wouldn’t be the only out person at my school, and that my school is actually a lot better compared to most local schools, which are a lot larger and… dramatic, but I just don’t think I could be out without going back to how I used to be mentally. And Kai was right about how I could be a good influence on some of the meaner classmates- I do think some of my peers who I ingenuinely connect with might reconsider their prejudices if they knew I was transgender.

I’m intentionally choosing not to take the opportunity to do better. It wouldn’t ruin ALL my relationships with the authority figures I consider to be important holding, since it would just be my school, It might dampen one or two of them. Plus, I’m lying to pretty much everyone who knows me. They build relationships with a false idea of me, and I feel like an asshole sometimes because I’m not honest.

TLDR: I’m a transgender, autistic guy in a very bigoted community. Everybody thinks i’m cishet and neurotypical. AMITA for not being proud of who I am because of potential social losses, and AMITA for lying to people and giving friends/peers false ideas about who I am even if they would not be friends with me if they knew?

What are these acronyms?

[wc-confessions]

(Wanna preface this with i really don't care about Nightheart's character, and add that i am trans and do NOT see the trans reading for his character.)

I'm 99% sure a lot of peoples dislike for Nightheart is absolutely just because of his legacy arc being odd and also his weird hatred of most of the women in his life.

Nightheart is not the only Firestar descendant. There are so many cats related and descended from Firestar it's not even funny. Placing all of Firestar's expectations on Nightheart alone makes absolutely no sense. Do you wanna know which cat DID have that lined up for them, only for their entire character to go no where?

Sparkpelt.

Nightheart's own mother. Who looks EXACTLY like Firestar, was born not long after he died, and who's Clanmates even said they thought she'd be named SparkFIRE, for goodness sake. She was a prodigy in AVOS, it was half the reason Alderheart was so bitter with her and yet... nothing happened.

Her character as a prodigy vanished not long after becoming a warrior. She snarked back at the imposter, defended her mother, almost died to dogs, had kids and then had to watch her mate and one of said kids die right in front of her. She went through Post Partum for like. maybe a month. she was BANISHED for a period of time, something out of her control, which Nightheart fully blames her for and claims she "abandoned him".

Nightheart's entire arc just... doesn't make sense. I don't get people claiming the trans angle either, because he just doesn't like his name. That's it. Cis People very frequently don't like their names, get their names changed, ect. They can have dead names. that is not exclusively a "Trans thing". His arc is just a mess and honestly we could've had this whole arc without it and it'd be fine. Up until his little quest with Frostpaw he does NOTHING to add to the plot or story progression. Even then, it could've been Frostpaw's pov anyways!

Nightheart just... isn't interesting. He's another boring male protag who we're supposed to pity and worship despite him doing fuck all when there are multiple other protags who are so much more interesting but get pushed to the side bc man pain is more important.

.

[bryszket]

MAEJ TIME. IT IS MAEJ TIME.

Social media is always fun, as I'll have to try to condense into two sentences why one of our books just HAS to be read by someone, so thank God for tumblr, where I get to have as many sentences as I want and go into the nitty-gitty a bit.

I haven't talked much about publishing on here, but I started this project (aka tRaum Books) with a friend in 2021, as a labor of love and as a venue to put out the types of books that even indie queer presses (probably) wouldn't touch. Because they were too risky (in theme and/or length); because they were queer and/or trans in a way that wasn't necessarily validating or relatable, because they slipped between genres, or were written by someone with too low of a following to net a guaranteed readership. I've never embraced the 'publisher' role and to the end, consider myself an artist and writer: of things that are too X for this crowd, and not Y enough for the other. This is not meant to be a pissNmoan. I get it. Our money is limited, our time even more so, and it makes perfect sense that someone would want to dedicate their time to a book that can clearly outline what the experience will be. That just happens to not be the type of writing I produce or what I am drawn to. I like to be surprised and am often drawn to books that surprise me and cannot be summarized easily.

So that is the type of work I have sought to put out. The hard-to-pin-down. More accurately, I should say it is the type of work that has found me, because our press notoriously has never had an open call for submissions. Books just find us when the time is right.

So I had come to Dale Stromberg's high-fantasy MAEJ not as a potential publisher, but as a beta reader and I still remember vividly my first impression of being blown away by the sheer attention to detail, the pure CRAFTSMANSHIP of the story. As intricate and precise as one of those handmade wooden puzzle boxes. But I also remember another impression: a certain sorrow from thinking, man. There is nobody on earth who would ever publish this. Not because it isn't excellent, amazing, in turns difficult and also fun to read (MAEJ is all of these things). But because it requires an immersion and trust from the reader that I believe many (if not most) simply do not possess anymore. The most powerful publishers could weave their marketing magic and get people to buy it, but the amount of readers who would actually make it to the end (if we say a book being read, not just a book being bought, is the goal)--so, such a reader seemed rare.

More simply, I felt like I had been allowed to witness some rare endangered species of a book--the kind everyone online bemoans nobody publishing anymore, yet few would honestly want to confront.

Both a relic and a touchstone. A vociferously political book that didn't sermonize--the message was baked into every magical tile paving those fictive streets. I knew then that i wanted to try to help publish the book. If the author wanted to deal with small press, that is (which many times, let's be honest, could be bestowing upon a book's forehead the kiss of obscurity).

There is not much a tiny publisher like myself can bring to a book's release that the author could not do themselves (given some investment and time and oh yeah, patience). Much of us have limited reach, and again, MAEJ was not the type of book that I felt would automatically pique the interest of many of my followers. What I could do though is help the author along in what is sometimes so hard to do for your own fiction. I could go out and yell, yo, you should really really read this. If you enjoy high fantasy, an effortless gender subversion, and prose infused with a magical playfulness. If you like to try to recreate the reading experience akin to being ten again and curling up with a huge tome of an adventure, and letting the outside world slip away. YOU NEED TO READ THIS.

Those who push past the initial resistance will be rewarded handsomely by the final grand mosaic Stromberg creates of what seem at first a plethora of chaotic, colorful tiles. It is indeed a rare and complex, awe-inspiring thing of beauty. And if you read all that and say, okay cool dude, but what the fuck is it ABOUT? (Fair.) The book is about 200293903203402023 things, but the main story-line is about four women of vastly different backgrounds who come together and try to challenge who is sacrificed to keep their magical matriarchy running.

Order your own physical or ebook copy of MAEJ. Grab a free ARC copy of the book. Add MAEJ on Goodreads.

I want to thank the author @dalestromberg for his patience with working with me. I know that dealing with me is often chicken-fried chaos, so thanks for coming along for the ride. I want to thank @zillanovikov. While she was not directly involved in this project, nobody can ask for a better writing and pub buddy and I'm really grateful to know her.

I want to thank @flameswallower for writing one of the best reviews of MAEJ ever. Not only are they an inspiring writer, but a vocal supporter of small press, and another author I am happy to have gotten the chance to work with.

And @baconorigami for all his support. <3

And to thank you, dear readers! To those of you who boost our posts, collect our books, leave reviews--engage. You make it all worth it. <3<3<3

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[bonedo-enthusiast]

coming out to bnd 𐂐◯𓇋

A/N: my first ever actual tumblr post! (AHH) i’m still learning about how to use tumblr and whatnot but… i had this thought one day and figured maybe i should post it. hope you guys like it. (also btw lowercase is intended!) :)

tws: none(?), mention of homophobia/transphobia but only in passing

genre(s): fluff, comfort

wc: 723

sungho

“oh, really?”

surprised but tries not to be too surprised because he doesn’t want to make you feel weird

will take your secret to his grave if need be

probably won't ask you many questions because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable

assures you that this won't change anything about your friendship

he might be a little awkward though, unsure of how to segue into a different subject

if you came out as trans, it would definitely take several months for him to be able to switch to your new name and pronouns

not out of malice, but because he knew you for so long as (insert deadname)

he would cringe every time he slips up, quickly apologizing and moving right along

riwoo

"oh... thanks for telling me."

similarly to sungho, he's surprised

but he's definitely more awkward about it

like to the point you wonder if he's homophobic/transphobic

but he just has so many thoughts and questions swirling around in his head

like how long have you known? what does this mean? does this change anything about your friendship? (no, of course not!)

once he pushes those thoughts aside, he smiles at you tells you he's glad you told him

now you both are closer than ever! <3

no but i feel like whenever riwoo would mess up your pronouns, he'd apologize profusely

like to the point where it's very awkward...

but he's trying his best! :,)

jaehyun

"oh word?"

no but something in me tells me jaehyun would get excited (?)

(like this man may or may not have taken a "am i gay test" in high school kind of vibes)

"whaaaat?!"

if you came out as trans, he would definitely insist on buying necessary supplies for you, especially if your birthday is around the corner :D

he's super sweet and supportive, immediately asking you what your new name/pronouns are

"ooh, that's such a cool name!"

and if you came out with your sexuality, he would always consider this when talking about attractive people

like pointing out cute people you'd potentially be attracted to with your newly revealed sexuality

might even try setting you up with them lol

taesan

"okay... and? took you long enough."

bro already knew 😭

taesan strikes me as a very observant person, so i feel like he'd already have some idea

maybe he'd even start viewing you as the gender you transition to, before you even tell him

(he's psychic! /j)

in his mind, that's who you are and who you always have been! <3

as a result, he would have no issues with getting your pronouns/name right

as for sexuality, he really doesn't care (respectfully)

"cool."

like. so nonchalant.

leehan

"oh? tell me more."

i feel like he'd be very curious about your identity (if you're comfortable telling him about it of course!)

he's a big listener and likes learning about things, so he would be very good to talk to about these things

and actually, i could even see him doing some research to try and learn more about his friend and understand them better :)

i see him as the kind of person you'd come out to first, just because he's so understanding

like you could come to him with your fears and worries about your realized identity and he'd just be so so sweet :(

"you're still the same person, and you're still my friend. you are never alone. it's okay, we can figure this out together."

PLS 😭💗

woonhak

"huh... so what does that mean exactly?"

i'm not sure he would understand anything beyond the basic terms most people know (like gay, lesbian, trans)

so if you were to come out to him as, say, nonbinary, he might need some explaining about what exactly that means

but regardless, he'll just smile and nod

but still be confused because why are you telling him this??

he wonders if he's supposed to do something with this information, or just listen

i can so picture him trying hard to pay attention to what you're saying while at the same time trying to figure this stuff out in his head lol

but once he's past this internal debate, he's so sweet

messes up your pronouns/ name quite a bit at first though

"yeah, me and (insert deadname)-- i mean, wait! sorry, (insert chosen name)..."

[slimeybee]

Hi I don't really post much of my writing but I've been bit by a bug lately that has me absolutely drowning in MM lately so! That being said, have the first part of a reader fic I started writing. (It will eventually turn into smut but this section is sfw)

Important: Reader is depicted as trans masc and roughly 20 years younger than Paul/John. Also I don't know a whole lot about Catholicism so I'm winging it with Google's help 🫡

Summary: transmasc!reader is desperate for someone who accepts him as he is and turns to (a rather hungry) father Paul Hill for help. Vampirism ensues.

“Y-yes, child? Is there something I can help you with?”

His voice was deep and steady, nearly monotone. You never tired of hearing him speak, not even as he rambled, lost in his own devotion to the very God he worshiped. You tried your best to understand, you really, truly did, but it simply never took root. That didn’t stop you from coming to mass as often as you could for him and him alone.

He was always kind, and though you could sense he knew about your lack of faith, he never once chided you for it. A gentle push here and there to encourage you in hopes you would finally see the light, but never a shove. Still, the thought of disappointing him sat heavy in your body as you stood just outside the rectory. It seemed almost inappropriate to seek help like this, after hours and in the comfort of his home, but it was nearly impossible to get the man alone in the church. Beverly Keane seemed to always take up his time, silently judging you from afar whenever his attention was focused elsewhere. She must have known what it was that hung so heavy on your shoulders, the very thing that you had sought the man out to discuss.

“Oh- Father, I am so sorry to bother you-…is everything alright?” Your frantic apology is quickly forgotten as the very state of the man catches you off guard. Dark, short curls clung to his forehead and his priestly attire was long forgotten, replaced with humble lounge wear. His eyes looked dark and wild though it was clear he was trying to mask whatever it was that had him so on edge.

Brushing aside your concern, Father Paul nods, albeit a bit too quick. “Yes-yes, of course. I just, uh...wasn’t expecting company at such an hour. But no matter, how can I help?” He seemed to have a hard time holding your gaze, clenching his eyes shut and blinking a few times as he spoke.

“I...was hoping we could have a quick chat?”

“I always have time for one of God’s children. Please, uhm, come in...and excuse the mess. I’m still settling in.” He seems reluctant as he steps to the side, holding the door open to allow you to pass.

His own hesitation seemed to reach out and grab hold of you as you paused, suddenly having second thoughts about this whole thing. Ever the observant one, he takes notice and beckons for you to come inside. “You have nothing to be shy about,” he encourages, “though I understand if you would rather have this meeting inside the church, instead?”

For a moment, you consider your options. It was evening and the sun had just begun to set, most of the town was settling down for the night but a few still made their way around the island. Some had set about to finish some errands before the town’s businesses closed, others simply wished to connect and wind down for the night with friends, but the whereabouts of one in particular concerned you, one who often seemed to hang around more...sacred sites. The idea of her overhearing such a conversation as the one you were about to have made you grimace.

The priest frowns but gives you a chance to answer.

“Oh, no, here is fine, thank you,” Taking his invitation, you step inside and he quickly closes the door behind you. You take a second to take in your surroundings and notice a few things out of place, but it was not as nearly as messy as he made it sound.

“I would be doing myself a great disservice as a host if I didn’t offer you something to drink,” he comments, the sound of his voice closer than you had anticipated.

This was the first time you had ever been alone with the man and the intimacy of the moment was almost frightening. As much as you had wanted to trust him, there was always something in the back of your mind that screamed at you to never let this kind of thing happen. To always keep someone else around, just in case. Unfortunately, your curiosity and desire to connect often outweighed your sense of self-perseverance. Not to mention the undeniable pull you felt towards the man, be it admiration for his passion or something more primal within yourself was nearly impossible to differentiate. You tried not to think too hard about it and turned your focus onto the task at hand.

“Oh, that’s very kind of you. Water is fine. Or tea, if you have it. I don’t want to inconvenience you for it, though.” You take a few more steps into the quaint space and stand awkwardly between the couch and dining room chair.

“No, not at all. Let me see…” he finally moves to walk past you and the smell of aftershave on his skin hits your sinuses. That and something metallic. Maybe he had cut himself shaving? Though there was no evidence on his face from where you were standing. Odd. “That’s what I thought…” he mumbles to himself, “I’m afraid all I have is black. How do you take it?”

Apparently, your mind had begun to wander as the question caught you completely off guard. In an attempt to mask your surprise, you cough into the crook of your elbow and quietly excuse yourself before answering him properly.

Something must have had him distracted, too, as his gaze lingered on your throat for a moment too long before he noticed, eyes widening slightly before glancing up to meet your own, eyebrows raised a little. “Yes, of course. Um, please, feel free to sit while I get that ready for you.”

You nod and let your gaze soften on the spot where he had been standing before you decide to take a spot at the table, as the couch felt too...domestic. This was a serious conversation with a well-respected member of the community, the last thing you wanted to do was raise any suspicions about your relationship- being here in his home felt intrusive enough.

He fidgets as he sets a small kettle on the stove, you realize, watching as he silently taps the tip of his finger against the counter-top. The motion is consistent but quick, like he’s waiting impatiently. You wonder what he was up to before you knocked on his door- he seemed so guarded when he first arrived on Crockett, rarely opening up about himself. When he spoke, it was always about God or Pruitt or miracles and not much else. The question that started to burn at the back of your throat was quickly interrupted by the squeal of steam billowing out of the kettle.

Father Paul makes quick work of preparing cups for the both of you and carries them over to the table not long after. He holds one out to you with a soft though slightly forced smile and sets his own on the table before grabbing a hold of the chair across from you and dragging it around, taking his seat at your side.

As if things weren’t uncomfortable enough already.

“So,” he starts, addressing you by name, “what is it I can help you with, child?”

Child, he says. You knew he had to be nearly twenty or so years older than you, but you were by no means a child anymore. Part of you wondered if he meant to chide you before you remembered what he had called you when you’d arrived. Of course it had been religious. Surely.

You nervously take a sip of your tea before promptly jolting, having burnt yourself. You clench your eyes shut and force the scalding liquid down your throat before attempting to regain your composure, eyes opening to look at him. His expression read concerned.

“Are you-?”

“Yes, yes, sorry. Overzealous.”

He tries to suppress a small, amused smile.

“Um. Anyway, I guess I don’t really know what to do about this...problem I’m having and thought you might have some insight? You seem very...what’s the word...open? For a man of the cloth- I mean, well, I don’t mean to offend, I am so sorry.”

He makes no attempt to hide his expression this time, his smile growing but still gentle enough to be polite.

“None taken. Please, continue.” He pinches the saucer below his teacup between finger and thumb, continuing to fidget, but his eyes remain fixed on your face.

You find yourself only able to hold his gaze for a fraction of a second before tearing it away to look at your own cup, the table, his legs.

Staring at one knee that he had crossed comfortably over the other, you begin to lay yourself bare before him.

“This is...really hard for me to confess to you. Well, to anyone who doesn’t already know, but…” Your body stiffens, as if preparing for impact before the words start tumbling out of you. “I’m not-...Everyone thinks I’m-.”

Narrowing his eyes, he tilts his head, trying to figure you out before you could tell him.

“I’m not a man. I mean, I am. I’m just not...not one in the way that you might understand-.”

He pauses picking at the saucer with his nail long enough to consider what it was you were trying to say, the length of that very same finger now curled and pressed against his top lip as though he were deep in thought. Brows furrowed together, he looks you over, almost with an air of scrutiny. You swallow hard and wait for him to kick you out.

But he doesn’t.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t understand,” he confesses, moving to sit up straight in his chair with a soft sigh, both hands now resting on the table. “I’ve never seen you as anything but male.”

You wished that it didn't comfort you to hear it but it did. You couldn’t recall the last time you had heard such a thing, if ever.

“I wasn’t born like this.” There it was, the cold and honest truth. You could feel your heart in your throat as you swallowed hard around it.

“As a grown man? I should hope not...your poor mother,” he jokes poorly with a goofy half-smile on his face.

You blink and raise your eyebrows at him.

His expression quickly drops as embarrassment takes over. “Oh, that was-...I apologize. Simply trying to make light of the situation.” He clears his throat. “I’m sorry. Please, continue.”

“I don’t have the same-”

It must have finally clicked for him. “Oh. Oh.” His gaze raises to the ceiling, following the joint of the wall to the ground. “No, that’s...you are very brave. Very, very brave to admit that and live the life that you do. It’s commendable.”

Before he can begin to reprimand you, you cut in.

“Please, father, don’t- don’t talk down to me. I can take a lot, but I can’t take that.”

He looks surprised, then almost saddened by your words.

“No, oh, no, I would never-” he reaches out to take your hands in his own. They’re colder than you expect. “No, I meant what I said. Now God, you know, yes, he made us in his own image as the bible tells us, but what people often overlook is that he also gave us everything we need to grow and become who we were meant to be. Not- not to say that we all look like God, because if we did, why would diversity exist at all? No. God gave us a body and a spirit that resembles his own, that is what it means.”

All your life people had chastised and lectured you for the decision to live the way that made you happy, claiming it to be an affront to God. Now here, out of all the people you’d never expected to have had your back, was a priest you barely knew. There was a passion and warmth in his eyes that made up for the chilly digits clasping around the dorsum of your own hands.

You don’t know why you felt so compelled, but soon found yourself leaning in as if to kiss him. The worst part of it? He seemed to want you to. His wide eyes were now half-lidded, lashes almost obscuring his sight as he stared down at your lips and waited.

Realizing what you had nearly done, you jolt and move to pull away from him but find yourself stuck. His grip had grown firm, your hands now in his tightened grasp as you stare at him, dumbfounded, as fear starts to crawl up your spine.

“It’s...fine,” he consoles you, eyes still not meeting yours and unfocusing slightly. “If I didn’t want this, if I thought it was wrong, I’d-…” Suddenly, you found yourself too scared to move as he started to close the distance between you again. You clench your eyes shut.

Nothing happens. Nothing touches you- not his hands, not his lips. When you open your eyes, you freeze.

His face had disappeared completely. Just as you were about to panic and move to stand, a dark head of hair appears near the corner of your vision. Soft, warm breaths bounce off the side of your neck and you feel a cold hand move your hair out of the way before pausing over your carotid artery. He breathes in deeply and you feel the bridge of his nose bump against your throat. “...I hadn’t noticed it until just now, but you smell...really good,” he admits. “Like...soap and cologne and- something I can’t place.”

Your brain seemed to short circuit as he spoke, his words and his presence and his own scent flooded your senses. You couldn’t move even if you wanted to. And you did want to, didn’t you?

All you can manage is a soft confused noise.

A noise that you replicate when you feel his teeth press to your skin. A noise that grows louder when those very same teeth poke through, blood rushing to the surface.

You feel his tongue lapping at the wounds like some kind of animal. For as much as this hurt, you found yourself growing increasingly more comfortable with the sensation with every swipe across your neck. It isn’t until you feel him start to suck on it that you begin to panic a little.

He finally lets go of your wrists to cradle the back of your head with one hand, the other sliding to press behind your shoulder. Your own hands move to grasp his own shoulders tightly, trying to distract yourself from the pain long enough to survive this...whatever this was.

You sit and you wait. And wait. And wait.

Your head starts to swim and that’s when you finally come back to your senses.

“Father?” You call for him weakly. “Father Paul, please. That’s enough, I-...I can’t-.” Your nails dig into his shoulders through the fabric of his shirt.

He pulls back long enough to shush you wetly against your throat.

“Shh, sh, no, it’s fine,” he coos. “It’s fine, I promise, just a little more-…”

“I can’t take any more-”

“Yes you can. Of course you can, beautiful boy. Not much more, I promise. Please.” His voice was distant and low, the need obvious in his tone.

Your heart flutters at the praise and you begin to wonder how you could possibly refuse him like this. Until your vision starts to blur.

“Stop!” You shout, loud and sudden.

That seemed to cut through the fog in his brain. Letting go, he pulls back from you so hard that his chair falls to the ground as he comes to a stand. He starts mumbling something that sounds like a prayer, eyes wrenched shut with a rosary wrapped around his hand. The movement had been so fast that you hadn’t even noticed him pull it from his pocket.

Panting, you stare at him in disbelief, your own fingers prodding at your neck. When you pull them back, you find them coated in thick blood. You felt delirious.

“I-….I’m….”

Your weak pleas snap him from his lamentations. “Fuck,” he curses at the sight of you.

You think you see him bite into his wrist before he tilts your head back, holding the wound just above your mouth. Blood drips directly onto your tongue and you gag, struggling to swallow it.

“No, no, come on, it’s alright, truly. Please, you need to let me do this. Let me help you. Let me fix this,” he babbles, practically sitting in your lap as he pushes his forearm into your mouth, not allowing you the chance to try and cough the blood up.

Powerless, you take as much of the blood into your mouth as you can and swallow before passing out.

[thediktatortot]

I would very tentatively like to put feelers out there for anyone looking to write long-form roleplay for final fantasy 7. I haven't written it with anyone in a very very long time and with getting back into the remake games it's spurned me to want to get back into it.

If you would be interested or are curious, I'll write all my info and what I'm looking for under the cut.

First things first.

Adults only, preferably someone 20+ though the older you are the more comfortable I will be as I am 32 and like to write about a range of topics including darker ones.

How I write

I write book style like you would see in a published story, so "talking like this" and story like this, with variations for emphasis.

Hard No's and discomforts

There isn't much I'm not open and willing to write, and usually it's a story by story basis, but I get squicked out by non-trans mpreg and would like to avoid overly ooc and crack fic style story.

What I like to write

I like to write from the Vincent POV and I like to keep the timeline pretty canon unless writing in parts of the timeline that have not been filled in.

My favorite parts of the timeline to write about pre FF7 events, DoC events and post Advent Children.

I don't have any concrete plot ideas just yet as I usually form those alongside my writing partner, but I am particularly interested in the Turks pre-Soldier program or post FF7 events.

How I write Vincent

I am of the mind that post-getting shot, Vincent is way more subdued due to memory loss from actually dying for a period of time, lucrecia even saying that she couldn't prevent decay of tissue in DoC. So there is a lot of himself he just does not remember due to that, however I do believe he has a sense of humor, is more talkative with those he is close with and has an interest in experiencing the world around him that is so new and updated.

Pre-getting shot Vincent however is a professional man who knows when to keep his personality subdued for his job. He is a Turk and he does his job well, this doesn't mean he doesn't have a life outside of that. Most of the memories we get outside of the few Vincent has of the time at the lab, are from lucrecia POV.

I like to give him a soft energy outside of work, open with his coworkers and his friends, but not willing to make a fool of himself as he takes pride in his ability to be calm, cool and collected. He will however dance, drink, play games and generally enjoy himself with those around him.

I like to give Vincent a tense relationship with his father, nothing bad just more of differing opinions and typical son butting heads with father.

Pairings I like

Almost forgot to write these as I really just like writing Vincent in any situation, but I do like Cid/Vincent and Reno/Vincent the most. I tend to enjoy Vincent with Cloud, Barret, Reeve, Veld & Sepheroth depending on the story and context.

Anyway:

I'm disabled and unemployed so I tend to have a plethora of time at my disposal so I am flexible to writing with people at most times. I am also not someone who is impatient with responses though I do tend to go through spurts of replying very quickly. I may occasionally give a boop or nudge just to make sure we are still golden and see if maybe we need to put things on hold, but I'll never push.

Just to note I played FF7 for the first time in 1998 so if there are any headcanons that may seem weird to you that I have, it's because of the near 20 years of reinforcement it's had.

[genderqueerdykes]

Your stuff about being 'too queer' really hit home, ty for making it.

We're trans abinary xenogender, and most people respond to that by sweeping us under the umbrella of nonbinary, and it just feels wrong. we used to be nonbinary, but we aren't anymore, and even queer people don't seem to get that.

Not many people have been explicitly weird about it one-on-one, but even in a lot of progressive spaces, it feels like we're expected to declare our gender from a drop down menu and no one can handle it when their three to five options don't cover everyone.

(To continue the metaphor) we appreciate that most places have an 'other' button now, but always being 'other' feels... well, othering.

Idrk where I'm going with this, but thank you for being loud and proud and unapologetic about your identity, it makes us feel like maybe we could be too, someday.

hello thanks for stopping by! i really appreciate your perspective

ever since non binary became a somewhat well known gender identity, people started lumping every gender variant and gnc person into the non binary umbrella whether or not they themselves said that fits them. it's been frustrating because i technically don't identify as non binary, i'm genderqueer, but so many places only have the option to state that you're non binary if you are not a man or a woman outright. i totally understand feeling alienated by those drop down menus, or even things that are used in IRL spaces. a lot of the time non binary is the only "other" gender option and it's not fair to everyone involved

i think it's just. so fucked up that people would prioritizing "looking normal" and wanting to assimilate into cishet culture over including queers who need a safe place to go. i don't understand it. i know that back in the 90s and 2000s there was a huge push to assimilate, but it's come back with a vengeance. people want to be seen as normal so bad, they don't want to be around the "weird" queers, which is all of us, because that's what queer means. i don't get how being "too queer" for a space is a concept, even if that's not what people call it in the moment, that's how they approach it. i don't understand

xenogenders are becoming more common as time goes on as well. i'm not expecting your elderly grandma to know this stuff but i am getting tired of queer spaces specifically targeting and kicking out complex identities they just don't understand. it's okay if one person in the group has a straight forward simple identity and the person next to them has a super complicated identity with hyper specific terms... we all belong.

thank you so much! i think you very well could be unapologetically yourselves, too. sounds like you have that energy in you already. eventually i just gave up trying to fit in anywhere and accepted that i'm always going to be "too queer" for some people and it's what it is. it's punk as fuck, it's alright to be that way. take care of yourselves for now, let us know if you have any questions you may need answering!

[tirfpikachu]

i mean there’s genuinely no difference between a frat bro saying ‘i’m a lesbian too haha’ and a ‘transbian’… they are males intruding on a female exclusive sexuality that has always and will always face harassment from males just for daring to not feel attraction to them. a man did not grow up with the same experiences as a lesbian. a woman did not grow up with the same experiences as a gay man. they are heterosexuals with het privilege inserting themselves into gay spaces and it is insulting to actual homosexuals - who are a very small minority!- to intrude on our lives and communities. i have been pushed out of most mainstream lesbian spaces by ‘transbians’, they revolve around girldick and people who ‘love butches’ who are always just masculine males. i hold no energy for men who claim space for themselves without giving a damn about us - which is most ‘transbians’. because they are entitled males and were raised entitled males. you are doing fine work by being diplomatic but god including ‘transbians’ is downright insulting to lesbians who have been dealing with lesbophobia and misogyny because we aren’t attracted to and don’t relate to trans women *by nature*. they are heterosexual males and lesbians should not be expected to stand by them after they’ve colonized our spaces. it’s disappointing that you hold such an inherently homophobic view about heterosexual people

also are you not supporting bisexual lesbianism/split attraction model by saying people who are trans, have ‘gay experiences’, but are technically hetero/bi can use gay labels? there’s no criteria for lesbianism besides experiencing similar harassment to lesbians? i think you are well-spoken but should interrogate this train of thought more. who does it serve to include bisexual, or, less generously, heterosexual trans people in gay sexuality?

i thought for a really long time about this ask! it's such a complicated topic that ofc seems very obvious to ppl on each side. originally when i answered your previous asks (you or someone else on the topic) i honestly wasn't fully settled into my thoughts about it. i'm still fairly new to spaces that aren't mainstream tra spaces. i don't agree that male ppl who transition into being perceived as gay women with their partners etc have the same intent as fratbros joking abt being dykes. i think they just occupy a space that previously was almost impossible back when physical transition wasn't a thing. they're still struggling to find their own space. yes, they did (and still do) really bad shit to homosexuals and female ppl as a community. i know that firsthand. but i also have seen people transition that way and i think it's always annoyingly more complex than it is at first glance. but i REFUSE to give up exclusive female4female & male4male spaces. i refuse to not hold heterosexual ppl accountable for their consistent homophobia, especially transfems unfortunately due to their male socializing & body differences that causes a power imbalance. though i have seen transmascs who date bio men and say the wildest shit ever, or even trick bio gay men into having sex with them without telling them. like stuff is getting REALLY bad, truly unhinged, and i am worried. i just want to figure this stuff out, and i don't believe all trans ppl are doing this for evil reasons, or even callous reasons.

honestly, i do think the term lesbian has always been so fucking unique and uniquely marginalized. and many people born with dicks, transfems included, have been horrible to me & other biological lesbians. i think we have been denied basic respect for so long and pressured to the point of abuse for some of us. transitioning becoming more accessible makes this issue much worse and more pressing. personally, where i'm at right now is... i am okay with transfems who post-transition live passing as sapphic with their gfs etc (who at times are transfem too) using the term transbian. but i do think them using the word lesbian on its own just digs the knife deeper for the female4female community, the lesbian community, which before very recently - back when physical transition wasn't possible - was always 99.9% bio women and transmasc folks loving each other. it's a very specific term. it is heavily, extremely fetishized, and demonized, and belittled, and is an isolating af experience from a young age. they don't get it. of course they don't. yet their sexuality is extremely complex if they transition; they go from their relationships being shrugged off to facing lesbophobia. just like transmasc ppl who transition can date bio men and suddenly face homophobia. but that's those people immigrating into the experiences that homosexuals, exclusively same-sex/agab attracted people, were born into. they have had a life free of the paranoia of showing any attraction to their opposite sex. it must be confusing as fuck. it must be isolating. but it's not the same. it'll never be, and i think gay female ppl & gay male ppl have really tried to be accommodating... i do believe there can be wonderful spaces where everyone who lives perceived as gay/bi men, or as gay/bi women, can have their respective gay & sapphic spaces that are trans-inclusive. i also believe that we need our exclusive male4male and female4female spaces too. we need a space to let loose and bond over stuff.

i think it would be immensely healthy for trans people who transition into living as gay to form their own specific terms for that. i think right now they exist in a very awkward in-between place where they try to make gay/lesbian terms match. but they're constantly upset when homosexual culture doesn't magically stretch itself to include them at every turn, they view it as an attack and a rejection, bc they don't realize same-sex attracted ppl have unique experiences too. they accept t4t but not us. and at times they're butting into a culture they can't really comprehend, same as if a bio gay guy went into a club full of transmasc people who live as gay men. there would be a totally different vibe, a different culture, and i think it upsets trans ppl to think that they're different. even though it's 10000% OKAY to be different, you need to come to terms with it. it can be dysphoria-triggering, that makes total sense... but it's not healthy for them to try to utterly deny their sex/agab and shove themselves into a box they are incapable of fitting into and pretend that they were always in that box and they 1000% understand that box and anyone who says they were never in that box before or that they're new in it and need to be respectful is just a horrible bigot. anyone making homosexual-specific inside jokes etc are being exclusionary meanies. it's not fucking healthy for them OR for female4female & male4male people. we're all marginalized in different ways, and it's not earning them any favors from us. which actually only isolates them more!

transfems haven't returned the allyship that female ppl so often show them, and especially did earlier on when it wasn't so girldick-in-your-face in lesbian spaces and homosexual-shaming as it is now. i will personally, where i'm at right now writing this, accept the term transbian to mean someone who has immigrated into the experience of being perceived as a lesbian, faces misogyny & lesbophobia, and may live that way for 30-40+ years or their whole ass lives doing so. i still will consider them my sisters and want to bond over the similarities and differences in our experiences. but they need to fucking understand what they've done, as a group, to bio lesbians and just female4female ppl. and how bio men & transfems are born into privilege, and that doesn't just all shed away the second they grow tits or get surgeries. i will accept transbian for now. but i think them saying they're lesbian women outright has started to feel insensitive to the current cultural tensions within lgbt, and the misogyny & lesbophobia their community has brought us. all the threats and sexual abuse & guilt-tripping they throw at us, in very male ways. i do believe there's absolutely lovely trans women who i wouldn't even recognize as trans and find common ground with when we both talk about our girlfriends and how shitty society treats lesbian-passing couples. i think homosexual bio men tend to be better at asserting their boundaries bc female folks are taught to be meek and subservient growing up. but we've finally had enough. it took me meeting trans women who tell me "hey, it's really fucked up how my community treats lesbians. i'm sorry. you deserve better" for me to really start to process my anger. bc it could've been so simple!! but it wasn't. it still isn't. i want transfem allies to rise up and show the fuck up for homosexual female folks. for the og lesbians. i will welcome transbians, personally, but not in all context. and i don't expect them to welcome me in transbian-exclusive context either. i want actual allyship. i know this isn't me fully agreeing with you anon, we still disagree on certain aspects of this. but your ask did help me. and i want you to know i don't take shit from misogynistic transfems, i don't let opposite-sex attracted transfems to speak over homosexuals, i demand mutual respect. opposite-sex attracted trans people who live as gays irl post-transition occupy a very weird space. i want to open up dialogue about that with them and between homosexuals too. at the very least, more and more transfems are peaking and properly apologizing & showing up for us. little by little.

i don't know where i am about opposite-sex attracted transmascs using gay. for me, personally, i don't really mind bc it doesn't have the same impact as lesbians having male bodies pressured onto them. i would need to talk to more male4male people, including bio gay men and transfems who are only into other male people. i know some transmascs use the term achillean, and other things like that. some also use gay to mean being same-sex attracted, often they're transmasc4transmasc (and can reclaim lesbian if they so desired, or make new terms). i deeply care for both homosexual rights and people who are genuinely trans and transitioning into new experiences. i'm still trying to learn more and find a middle ground. i know i'm a nicefem by radblr standards or whatever, but whatever.

so yeah, anyways. thank you sm for this ask! it really did stir my brain. i know this isn't as satisfying as if i had outright agreed with you after all this, but i tend to have more nuanced takes since i've been deep in the trans community as a detrans woman and seen how complex life is for people who transition into a gay-passing life. i'm still learning and gathering my thoughts. asks like these really do help.

we need to stand our ground gyns. we need to fight for homosexual rights. we need ppl who immigrate into our experiences to show us basic respect and not demand us to do conversion therapy on ourselves or stop making community inside jokes, just erase all our history to make space for them. we can have overlapping experiences without forgetting to celebrate our differences too. we can have trans-inclusive gay spaces and homosexual-only spaces and trans-exclusive spaces. we can literally have it all and coexist! & they need to start holding their bigots & creeps accountable. we need them to figure this shit out. i get that being a hetero person living as gay, thriving in that way as they're more than welcome to, can be really confusing and isolating and frustrating. but they can't keep doing this to other marginalized communities. it's just not fucking fair.

[inarizqkis]

date me? ;; stray kids x ftm! reader

requested once again by the wonderful @shirodleapier <3

warnings! angst, fluffy, stray kids being kids, reactions!!!!!, individual writings for each member, as always nothing physical is specified but reader identifies as male and presents as male :) also some of them (most) the members call reader hyung, but you can change this or think of it as an endearing term instead, it's just casual :) NOT EDITED 😭

request! stray kids x ftm reader. They always thought reader was born a boy. One day they ask reader to date them, and so reader felt the need to tell them he is trans. So like reader coming out to them. Some Angst since reader fears they wont accept him. But also fluff please!

summary! in which reader has nothing to worry about <3

notes! WHEEEW this took a long time to write but it was so fun :) this is in age order, so it starts with chan, and ends with innie. I LOVED WRITING THIS HWVDUAVSJ sorry please send me more requests 🙏🏻

fem aligned dni

reblogs are appreciated! enjoy :)

bang chan:

"wanna go out? with me, i mean." chan asked, nervously, sweating a little bit. he had a crush on you since he first saw you, and maybe he didn't believe it himself until recently. it's not that you weren't attractive, god you were gorgeous. you were like the sun to his moon. chan was a man of action, always getting things done when they needed to be, but around you, he especially wanted to show off.

"ah, about that, i-" you started, and chan got even more nervous, but listened intently, not wanting to interrupt you.

"i need to tell you something. and i really need you to not freak out or hate me." you held his hand gently, and he nodded, confused, gently gripping your hand.

"you know i could never."

you sighed, taking a minute to yourself, before just spitting it out. "i'm not biologically a guy, i.. i was born a girl. it.. took a lot for me to get where i am now, the stares, the hateful comments, dysphoria- and even now, i still get dysphoric. i understand if you don't like me anymore, but-" you rambled, starting to tear up, and chan smiled fondly, before kissing your hand, tearing you away from your thoughts.

"hey, hey it's okay. i understand, and like i said, you could never drive me away from you or make me hate you. all i want is you, even if you come with problems or issues, i'll always be there for you," chan reassured, and you felt a huge weight lift from your chest.

"promise?" you held out your pinky.

"always and forever." chan smiled lovingly, locking his pinky with yours.

lee minho:

"let's go on a date." minho said, and you stiffened, unsure if you heard him right. then again, minho had always been bold around you. he wasn't too different from when he was with his members, but you could tell right away you were never going to get rid of him. like a cat, he was cuddly, kind of quiet, and really liked your attention. the both of you were like two matching puzzle pieces, just.. plus 7 other puzzle pieces, because there was always another member with you both. today however, oddly enough it was only you two alone.

"minho, i need to tell you something first," and alsmost as if on cue, dori, who always cuddled up to you, had jumped up onto your lap. it was almost as if dori noticed your distress, because he started rubbing his head against you.

minho cooed silently, but moved his eyes back to you, furrowing his brows in confusion. "what is it?"

"i'm transgender," you bit your lip nervously, keeping your eyes on dori, who had settled in your lap. "i wasn't born like how i look now. it took a lot of work and effort to get here. if it's too much, i understand why you wouldn't like me anymore."

"jagiya, why would you think i wouldn't like you anymore? i'm not pushed away so easily. even soonie, doongie, and dori love you, probably more than they love me." minho smiled, and stood up, wrapping his arms around you gently, kissing the top of your head, his fingers running through your hair gently.

"i just thought you should know, so if you did react badly, i would be able to get over you faster." you sniffled, laughing softly, wrapping an arm around his waist. you always loved minho's hugs, and honestly they felt safe. he made you feel like you had no problems.

"so, about that date.."

he was home.

seo changbin:

"sunbaenim! let's go get dinner together?" changbin smiled, peeking his head into your dressing room, and you raised your eyebrow. changbin had the fattest crush on you since he saw you perform on the stage after his performance, and he's even collaborated on a song with you once or twice. he loved the fact that you were comfortable being yourself, and were never afraid to show anyone that you weren't easily driven away. he was almost envious of your confidence.

"binnie! you can come in, you know." you smiled. he nodded, and went inside the room, shutting the door gently. you had only half changed out of your stage clothes, and damn the stylist for putting so many accessories on you. you finally took off your shirt, and changbin noticed the light scars on your chest.

"ah, sunbae.. if you don't mind me asking," changbin spoke softly, "what happened there? did you get into an accident?" and you looked down at your chest. you made a face, and gently ran your fingers along the scars.

"ah, these? i'll tell you, but you have to keep it a secret, okay?" you smiled, but internally you were freaking out. how could you let him see these? i mean, better now than later, i guess, but this is less than ideal. you finally got to hear him ask you out, and you forgot to change your shirt first.

changbin nodded, unaware of your internal conflict, and you took a deep breath. "i'm trans. i wasn't born a male, i was born a girl."

"ah, i know someone who is trans too! hyung, have you met..." changbin smiled, and you sighed in relief. changbin didn't judge you, and for that, you definitely swooned. he may as well have stolen your heart, because you knew as soon as he smiled comfortingly, you knew you were in deep. you put your shirt on, listening to him, giving him your own responses.

"changbin-ah, thank you. i was nervous that you wouldn't accept me. i think i really wouldn't have been able to take it if you weren't as understanding as you are." you smiled, offering your hand to help him stand up, and he put his hand into yours. he gently wrapped his arms around you, his face buried into your neck. you weren't tall, but you were taller than changbin.

"you already know me, hyung. i'm weak in the knees for you already. nothing can change the way i feel about you."

you smiled softly, kissing his cheek. "now, what were you saying about dinner earlier?"

hwang hyunjin:

"hyung," hyunjin started, and you turned your head over to him.

"what is it, hyun?"

"do you.. are you single?" hyunjin asked, somewhat bluntly. hyunjin was usually straight to the point, but you had a feeling this was nerve-wracking for him, and it was.

"yeah, i'm single. why do you ask?" you raised a brow slightly, and hyunjin flushed a bit, avoiding your eyes.

"well, it's just.. i like you. i understand if you don't like me back, but i just wanted you to know." hyunjin kept his gaze on his hands, and your breath hitched. you wish that at this moment that at least chan was home, but he and changbin were out at the gym, whilst you and hyunjin had opted to stay home.

"hyunjin, i.. i need to tell you something." you pursed your lips, and hyunjin visibly slouched, ready to get rejected, and he simply looked away.

"if you don't feel the same, i get it. i'm not your type, right? you're not interested in guys, are you?" hyunjin had asked, biting his lip as he kept his gaze onto the floor, holding back tears.

"that's not it! i.. i really like you, but i need you to know something about me. i'm transgender," you blurted, and trailed off softly, picking at your fingers nervously. "i just.. thought you should know.."

hyunjin put his hand over yours, and offered you a small smile. "hyung-ah, you're very brave for telling me. thank you for being you."

"you.. you still like me after..?" hyunjin nodded, smiling a toothy grin, before tackling you gently, wrapping his arms around you as he layed on your chest.

"you're my favorite hyung, y'know. nothing could make me stay away from you. i'm proud of you for having the courage to tell me this." hyunjin murmured, his face buried into your neck, before he leaned up and kissed your jaw gently.

"hyunjin-ah, thank you." you smiled, wrapping your arms around him, and he settled onto your chest, listening to your heartbeat.

han jisung:

"hyung-ah, do you have a boyfriend?" jisung had a crush on you, and didn't know howto ask you out, so he kept practicing to himself in his bedroom. he shook his head, "ah, no that was too direct. hm..."

"jisung-ah, can i come in?" jisung PANICKED. he looked around his room, and shook his head, thinking you could see him, and facepalmed, before tidying up a bit, throwing clothes into the laundry hamper.

"ah, one sec, hyung! don't come in, i'm... naked?" jisung had told you, although it sounded more like a question, and you nodded nonetheless, moreso to yourself.

"okay. i'll just wait outside the door. with this fried chicken i bought for you." you teased. you knew he couldn't resist, since he had just gotten off of a diet where he wasn't allowed to eat fried foods. jisung's eyes widened and he dropped everything and went to the door, takibg a second to catch his breath, before opening the door, smiling.

"you said chicken? marry me, hyung." jisung said, and you swear he had heart eyes for you in that moment. jisung flushed, not meaning to tell you that, and quickly tried to save himself.

"i mean, not yet, anyway, i have to at least take you out on a date first and then we can get married if it goes well for a long time but-" jisung covered his mouth, his eyes wide as he just stared at you in embarrassment. your eyes were slightly widened, as you blinked, unsure of what jisung was rambling about. all you had heard was 'date' and it excited you but also freaked you out a bit too.

jisung whispered, albeit a bit muffled, "too much?" you shook your head, slowly processing what he said, and simply handed him the chicken, blinking in disbelief.

"wait, so you aren't against going on a date with me?" jisung realized after a moment, smiling, looking at you. you shook your head, you honestly had no problem with it.

"no, actually.. except i need to tell you something first." you had said, and jisung immediately felt nervous. he almost wanted to cry and he didn't know if it was out of happiness or confusion, but he simply tilted his head, urging you to go on.

"i'm.. i was born a girl. but i don't identify as one anymore." your voice cracked at the end, as you attempted to blink away your growing tears, unable to look at jisung in fear that he had a disgusted look on his face. jisung groaned, almost relieved, but proud that you had the courage to tell him this.

"ah, hyung! you know i'm okay with that, you scared me! i thought you were gonna say something else!" jisung scolded, pulling you into a hug, kissing your cheek gently, and you laughed, your voice raspy from almost crying

"i just thought it was better that you knew, sung. thank you for accepting me." you mumbled, burying your face into the crook of his neck. he giggled softly, feeling your hair tickle his neck, but simply nodded.

"of course, hyung," jisung grinned, before guiding you into his room. "let's eat before it gets cold, yeah?"

lee felix:

"pretty boy, let's bake together? i promise to let you have the first taste of the batter." felix grinned, clinging onto you, his arms around your waist. felix was always flirty with you, and you honestly hoped it was because he liked you, but he was like this with the other members, too.

"sure!" you agreed, grinning back softly. you had asked what he wanted to bake, and he simply chirped out, 'cake!' so you decided to help him bake the cake.

after about two hours and your promised first taste of the batter, you finally finished the cake that felix had wanted to bake. when he was frosting it, he wanted it to be a surprise, so he made you sit in the living room. he called you back in after 30 minutes, and you looked at the cake in awe. he had decorated the cake really prettily, with all kinds of purples, greens, and pinks. he had made two frogs on the same lily pad, and what you noticed the most was the writing he had neatly frosted underneath them.

'be my boyfriend?' it had read, and you looked over at him, as he smiled nervously. "so...?"

"lix, i-" you had begun, unsure of what to say. of course you wanted to be his boyfriend, but what would he say once he's found out? obviously he won't freak out over it, but some people don't date trans men. that was your biggest worry, is that you'll push him away from you, and your friendship would never be the same.

felix was freaking out, you had this constipated look on your face, and he was checking his pulse right about now. yup, his heart was beating really fast, and he was afraid he scared you off. he thought you felt the same way, but hey, if you reject him, at least he gets to eat his sadness away with the cake.

"hyung..?" you snapped out of your thoughts, looking into felix's eyes. "if you don't feel the same-"

"no, i do! it's just.. i haven't been completely honest with you. about me. i know you wont freak out about itandhatemebutidon'twantthingstochangesoi'mreallyscaredyouwon'tlikemeanymoreandi-" felix covered your mouth, stopping you from rambling any further. he smiled reassuringly at you, also feeling a bit of relief at the fact that you liked him back, and that he wouldn't have to eat this cake by himself.

"hyung, it's okay. calm down. slowly, okay?" felix said, uncovering your mouth and fixing your hair.

you nodded, sighing, before taking a deep breathe. "i'm trans. i wasn't born a male." you finally spit it out, and felix nodded, understandingly.

"it's okay, you're still and always will be my pretty boy." felix was such an understanding and caring person. your lips quirked up into a smile, and you grinned, burying your face into his neck, pulling him into a hug, your arms wrapped around his waist.

"thank you, lix."

kim seungmin:

"hyung, wanna go out together?" seungmin walked into your room, not bothering to knock on the door. he already knew you were fine with it, anyways. you looked up from your canvas, and saw seungmin shyly looking away, and you could already tell this time was different.

"seung-ie, what'd you have in mind?" you asked, and he simply looked away, face flushed as he mumbled words of encouragement to himself, before telling you where he wanted to go.

"namsan tower..? i wanted to go and put our own locks together." seungmin replied nervously, and your eyes widened slightly in surprise.

"like- like a date?" you tilted your head softly, and he looked at you hopefully, nodding.

"yeah, like.. like a date.. it's okay if you don't wanna go with me-"

"no! no i wanna go, it's just.. i didn't tell you something, and i was really hoping that i wouldn't have to tell you because i was scared it would change the way you see me.." you explained, and seungmin tilted his head. if you weren't so anxious at the moment, you would've cooed because of how much he reminded you of a puppy.

"seungmin-ah, i'm a trans male," you spoke, after a moment, and you swear you could hear your heart beating in your ears. seungmin blinked, somewhat in shock, and you bit your lip, not wanting to freak out or anything too soon, but the silence was killing you. "if, if it's too much, i can give you a minute-"

"no! no i just.. you're so handsome, i had to soak it all in for a minute. you're really pretty, like extremely good looking." and with seungmin's words you knew he understood, he just didn't know how to express it otherwise.

"...so, namsan tower it is?" you smiled, and seungmin nodded, taking your hand in his. you felt him shiver, your hands had always been warm, while his hands were always cold, even if he wasn't.

yang jeongin:

"wanna go to a cafe with me?" jeongin asked, showing you the picture on his phone, and you noticed it was a couples cafe. he tilted his head, looking at you, seemingly unaware of your inner conflicts. you want to go with him, but you had yet to come out to him. you don't wanna hide something that big from him, because what if he wasn't okay with it?

"innie, you know it's a popular couples cafe, right?" you played it safe. maybe he didn't know, and wanted to just go and get coffee. it wasn't unusual for the both of you to go and get coffee together, but this might've been different.

"mhm! there's a first date discount too, by the way." jeongin mentioned, smiling softly, and you had the urge to poke his dimples, but stopped yourself from doing so.

"ah, i see.. are you wanting to go for the discount..?" you asked, and he shrugged.

"eh, for the discount, and i want to take you out on a date. there's really good strawberry shortcake here, i've heard." jeongin completely blew past the part where he had basically asked you out on a date, and you felt yourself heat up, your back stiffening. you sat up on the couch, and looked over at him.

"i need to come out with something.. i haven't told you this because i didn't know how you'd react.." you began, and jeongin immediately thought it was bad. had he gone too far? maybe you were already in a relationship? did you not like him the same way he liked you? were you straight? god he hoped he hadn't messed up everything.

"what is it?... is it something bad?" jeongin asked, and you felt your heart crack a bit, with the way his eyes showed you everything.

"no! no it's nothing like that, i.. i just need to tell you before anything, okay?" he nodded.

"i'm transgender. i wasn't born the way i am now. i just.. i really wanted you to know." you said, and jeongin let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

"hyung.. you were always like this. maybe not physically, but you were meant to be a man. i still like you, if you're worried about things like that. you can't get rid of me easily." jeongin grinned, and you hugged him, to which he returned.

"thanks, innie. for being a good person," you murmured, and he laughed softly, running his hand through your hair reassuringly, before kissing the tip of your nose gently.

"thank you, hyung. for being who you are." jeongin replied, smiling, holding your face gently.

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