#that fucking mondo cozmo song just came on and im gonna cry again DAMN IT

[scottstiles]

hi divvy! i know you are MAD right now, so don't answer this until you feel like it, but when you're ready i'd love to hear your thoughts on music on the sabbath and yom kippur! i love hearing you talk about jewish things tbh.

first off i’m so sorry i didn’t answer this whole time. it’s not that i was so mad (that came and went) but i did need a little distance from thinking about it and then i thought why not wait and see how the rest of the holiday goes before replying.

secondly oh my goodness i can’t believe you love hearing me talk about anything XD but it feels really nice that you enjoy my random outbursts about religion. i get that it must be weird for people (especially ones who know me irl) that i have this whole aspect of me that doesn’t fit at all with the way i present myself/live my life (for the most part- except the people who only know that part of me, of course, my students/congregation members etc). i have such a weird dual personality when it comes to this but anyway that is a HUGE can of beans for maybe another time.

but anyway here’s a bottom line about me to help us in this discussion about music on shabbat (im just gonna call it shabbat from here on cuz “the sabbath” is so weird for me to write for some reason) and holidays:

my elementary school was a secular zionist/traditional jewish day school. this might sound completely ridiculous so i’ll break it down- it wasn’t an orthodox place (girls and boys did everything together, nobody had to dress or act a certain way because of religion, and it was basically non-denominational so… secular), but it was traditional in the sense that we did morning prayers every day from the traditional (i guess u could call it orthodox) prayerbook, we learned Torah every day and everything to do with jewish traditions/ritual practices, learned about Israel, jewish history, etc. we, of course, studied all of the secular subjects (including french) at the same time. at the time i also went to a jewish summer camp from age 6-12, but it was more traditional and pretty jewish/israel intensive. we also prayed every day, observed shabbat in the orthodox sense (no electricity, no “work”, special activities, lots of food and rest), and even had special events on certain days like tisha b’av (the fast day commemorating the destruction of the temple), and maccabiah games at the end of the summer (like color war/olympics, but we had to talk hebrew the whole time or we lost points XD). my favorite part of camp was an event called ma’apilim, where the counselors would wake us up in the middle of the night and the entire camp would run through this simulation of the experience of the holocaust refugees being smuggled into palestine in the mid-40s. i can describe that whole experience for you in detail if you want but maybe not right now since i’ve rambled so much already.

SUFFICE TO SAY i grew up in a seriously jewish environment, but not a religious home. as a teenager i went to a jewish high school, though not at all as religious, and became active in my synagogue youth group. OH also, when i was 9, my parents switched us over to the reconstructionist synagogue (from a conservative one) so my sisters and i could have a real bat mitzvah (in orthodox and conservative shuls girls aren’t allowed to read from the Torah like boys do). so thru high school i was very involved in jewishy things and my synagogue, and i got really attached to reading Torah and the prayer service in my synagogue. my reason for emphasis is because, as i’ve said, i’d been exposed to the traditional prayer service for most of my life, but praying in this shul has always been a completely different experience.

in school and in camp, despite the traditional service (and separation of boys and girls, in camp only), i was always able to sing out loud as much as i wanted. but, traditionally, prayer is lead by an individual- the cantor- and the congregation (and the rabbi) only “participates” out loud in certain parts. that’s how it is in most synagogues in montreal except the temple and mine. in my shul, we’ve never had a cantor, and the entire service is basically communally led. our rabbi was also very special. our leader for 40 years, he was a pioneer in the reconstructionist movement, creating his own prayer book (not new prayers, just his own translation and commentary and additions) and passover haggadah. he wasn’t a singer, but he had a musical soul and when he led prayers it just moved me every time. the tunes for the prayers were sometimes the same as the traditional melody, and sometimes not. it always took me awhile to get used to new melodies or songs he would introduce (i’m so inflexible, what a shock), but i would always eventually suck it up. for him. basically for 25+ years i got used to doing things a certain way in my shul. i also watched through the years as new people came and left, including my entire generation (moved away/got married/not interested in synagogue), until the whole makeup of my shul was essentially completely different. but we’ve always had a few core members that stuck around, and the melodies have always remained. i was always proud to carry it on.

so, a little about the reconstructionist movement and synagogues in montreal. reconstructionism began post-holocaust when the founder, mordechai kaplan, realized how difficult it was becoming for people to continue to have faith in  religion after such trauma. people couldn’t connect, or didn’t want to be involved at all anymore. so the movement began as a place for these people, to maintain a connection to judaism without feeling the pressure of having to believe in god or accept all of the traditional tenets of the religion. this isn’t the same as reform, by the way, which a lot of people think is the only other denomination of judaism besides orthodox/conservative. i don’t wanna give a lesson on denominations rn, but basically reconstructionism is all about adapting and shaping judaism so that it can fit into your life and inform your values without infringing on however else you choose to live. okay all of that just to get to this motherfuckingpoint:

playing music on shabbat/(certain) holidays is part of the laws of shabbat, codified by rabbis during the temple period as part of the Talmud. these laws, which are basically a breakdown of all the things you cannot or must do on shabbat, are what is considered oral Torah, just as binding as the laws in the written Torah from moses. they had to break it down because “on the 7th day you must rest” isn’t exactly specific, so how can you know if you break the law? there are 39 things that are listed as “work” which you cannot do on shabbat. the two main reasons for not playing an instrument on shabbat are: the instrument might break and you might be tempted to fix it (and in so doing, do one of the 39 acts), and the fact that instruments were played in the Temple, and we’re not supposed to be doing anything they did in the Temple until we’ve built the new one (hence no more sacrifices even tho almost the entire book of leviticus deals with the priestly ritual laws).

okay so those are the rules. now, for me personally. what’s my problem? i’m a member at a reconstructionist synagogue, not an orthodox one. i’m not a religious person. i don’t keep the laws of shabbat on a regular basis. what. is. my. problem?

maybe i should have mentioned, along with my heavily traditionally influenced childhood, there was also a point in my life where i did decide to keep all the rules. for about 5 years in my mid twenties i became completely zealous when it came to the laws of shabbat/holidays (maybe cuz i was trying to get my jewish teaching career off the ground idek). i walked 45 minutes each way to shul. i even walked clear across town on saturdays to get to the theatre in time to meet my mom for the ballet at 8pm after sunset. i made them turn off the microphones if i was going to be on the bimah (pulpit) in shul. i was a bit insane, but nobody was offended and neither was i, i just tried it out and eventually decided it wasn’t for me.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that my problem with music in synagogue comes from a few places: 1- my “traditional/religious” brain saying NO it’s just NOT ALLOWED, IT’S TOO MUCH. YOU BREAK SO MANY RULES AS IT IS, and i guess that’s harder to turn off than i would like 2- the shul i grew up in and love was one where our collective voices were the instrument, and that alone has had a huge impact on my spiritual growth. i don’t like being drowned out (my own and other’s voices) when i’m praying. 3- while my rabbi occasionally would whip out the guitar, this new rabbi has it out every single shabbat. to me, prayer and ritual worship are not a performance. when i see someone on a “stage”- in this case the bimah- with an instrument, i’m in the mind frame of a concert, and all of my attention is focused on the musician. i just can’t pray like that. when i lived in nyc i worked at this huge reform synagogue that had like 5 rabbis and 3 cantors and every friday night service was like a broadway spectacle with a full orchestra and choir and what not. it was beautiful, but i couldn’t concentrate on the praying. i don’t know how many people could. i understand that for most people music in itself is a spiritual experience, and that makes complete sense, but for me, my spiritual experience in synagogue is hearing voices in prayer.

i just realized i didn’t talk about yom kippur specifically. yk is one of the only times of the year that most jews in the world decide to do the exact same thing (the other is passover). jews who eat bacon every morning and work all day on saturday will put their lives aside and fast. most will even be in synagogue for kol nidre (the night before) or neilah (the night of), depending on your ethnic background (for ashkenazis the former is most important, for sephardim the latter). the main part of the kol nidre service (which is the beginning of yk), is the kol nidre prayer itself, which is supposed to be chanted 3 times, starting off soft and each time getting progressively louder. as a child i led the kol nidre service once in the conservative shul where we went, and it was unbelievable i’ll never forget it, so i’ve always had a special connection to this prayer and melody. in my current shul we’ve always had a choir, and a cantor, for the occasion, much like many traditional congregations do. i’ve never really liked it because i can’t sing aloud all three times, and therefore don’t feel the same connection to the prayer, but i dealt with it. bringing in an orchestra was just kinda a last straw i guess? i didn’t want to have to deal with all of that negative bitterness as i’m trying to ask god to nullify my vows so i can be clean again.

oy gevalt. this was an essay, and not a well thought out one at that. sorry :// my main point is, basically, that for me music on shabbat is complicated, and it’s not just about the law, because clearly i’m not a “follow every law” kinda person. i don’t feel like i fit into any particular jewish mold, thanks to my upbringing, and i can’t really connect to any of the denominations, so i pick and choose what’s meaningful to me. luckily i stuffed a lot of information into my brain (thank you mcgill jewish studies), and i feel more comfortable doing so than i might have in my youth because i actually know and understand my options. maybe i’m not the best jew i can be, but i’m trying to be the best divvy. :)