#that even in two separate realities youll end up meeting somehow

[the1trueanon]

rosemary and wally :3

not romantic not platonic but a secret third thing (so devoted the lines blur)

[echoingarmy]

the death of a bottle of cheap, pink wine every friday because tomorrow’s finally saturday, so nobody cares and i can just lay in bed and wallow in self-hate. and the odd dancing until i cant feel anything but music, even though ive always hated dancing. still do. 

the piano recordings of my favourite band’s songs because i need time to think, i need space for my own thoughts and lyrics are distracting but i cant stand the silence, i need background noise every second of my life because even when there’s time for some thinking i can’t live with just myself. and always somehow accompanied by the bitter desire to play the piano, the thing that i never got the chance to learn even though its my favourite sound in the universe. 

the endless list of things to watch, read, listen to, find out more about, learn. the list i never actually wirte up, just keep bookmarked in the browser or sadly shoved in the corner of my mind. things that im excited and curious about, things i know i want to do. but never actually get around to them because im never in the right mood, am too tired, it would require too much attention and energy that i dont have. id rather watch the thing ive watched four times already. forget about the fact that my memory is shit and im basically incapable of memorizing new things currently and with a sense of accomplished, assured success.

the frustration of my own indecisiveness, no ability whatsoever to make a decision. or making a decision - seeing it didn’t turn out bad, im having a good time actually. but id still rather be home, alone, in front of my laptop and just not with you. or anyone else, its not personal, baby, i just hate everyone. or maybe i hate myself so much that i cant imagine anyone ever possibly wanting to spend time with me, so i always feel like an uncomfortable burden and i dont want to subject anyone to that. 

the line i just read on a blog i havent visited for months ‘fight or flight, but nobody ever talks about just freeze‘ and the realization that for me it’s barely ever fight or flight, it’s either flight or freeze. and in most cases i freeze. freeze instead of making a dream come true, freeze instead of eating, freeze instead of watering my plants, freeze freeze freeze. i could still technically simply do those things, but i choose not to. i leave myself hanging in the lack of decision, waiting - never knowing for what. 

not saving any money, spending what i have on useless things that maybe very temporarily make me faux-happy because whats the point in saving, really? its not like i have that much of a future to make it count.

the unhealthy realtionship with death that is the most resonating remainder of years of depression. the im not actively suicidal anymore, dont worry thats not entirely true because yes, i dont take two steps closer to the railways every time i see a train coming. yes, this is probably the happiest ive ever been in my life. yes, i am excited for many things that are going to happen sometime soonish. but im also desperate for an end, im desperate to know how long ill have to keep all of this up. 

the repetitive is it worth it, constantly in my head, the ugly awareness that there are so little things that make me happy for long enough. waiting for the best day of my life? what if it’s already happened? what if what i got so far was the peak, what if. 

the almost ten hours every day - going to work. a good job, an easy one, fitted to my abilities and limitations. somewhat challenging but managable for someone like me. but what about those almost ten hours of i dont want to be here. what about the 8-8-8 system thats supposedly eight hours of work, eight hours of social life and eight hours of sleep? thats all bullshit. eight hours of work actually mean i have to get up at 6, spend an hour on getting ready for work and then commuting for almost another hour. and after work i still have to go back home, i cant just teleport and be free. social life requires too much - energy, awareness, emotions - so i stay home, get online and drown in things that arent real in the context of my eistence. yes, theyre very real as lifes separate to mine, but the correlation is broken here. they affect my entire being, but i have no bearing on anything outside my screen. i cut on sleep to stay in the cyber-reality, countless words seeping through my tired brain, sounds, notes and screams filling my head. 

the imperative to call my father because if i dont he will get pissy again and nobody wants that. i suffer every time i even think about him, talking to him is excrutiating because every word coming out of his mouth is a lie, a skewed piece of reality that is all in his brain. gaslighting, abuse and drunken guilt-tripping all veiled under a murmured i will always love you and your sister no matter what. fuck you.

him. being nice to me for some reason, maybe genuinely liking me, probably just needing me for that one thing and then ready to throw me away. i can see how different we are, how much our lives dont meet in almost any aspect of what matters. and thats okay, its alright to have different opinions and interests and personalities - its what makes us human and interesting. but how do i tell you i can never see myself with you? how do i tell you i already know we dont fit? youll laugh it off, youll call me out on my pessimism, youll say you cant know unless you try. but baby, i have already tried. not with you, with other people. and it always ends the same way. alone. how do i tell you i still want you to kiss me, regardless of all that.