#that concluded with doug grappling with the fact that despite sir having. literally tortured him many times. he still misses him sometimes
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#cw rhory talk#randomly thought about rhorys oc who used to be dougs boss today and found myself on his art blog looking at pictures of him#led to me thinking about doug meeting him one more time after having escaped the labs#i wrote a whole story about how doug escaped but i avoided actually narrating sir or him being in the story as much as possible#but i ended up thinking up this whole sequence of doug finding sir in the village they built one night and just. laying on the floor w him#having a brief conversation full of nerves and pregnant pauses and carefully chosen words on dougs part#that concluded with doug grappling with the fact that despite sir having. literally tortured him many times. he still misses him sometimes#and i was like. fine. this is character development for doug. ive thought about similar before its not really new#but halfway through the scenario in my head i just started like. sobbing#i dont remember the last time i cried over rhory#and i know for a fact that the last few times i have it was because i was thinking about how he abused me#but this felt like a grief cry and idk what even triggered it. i mean realistically it was thinking abt that doug/sir scenario but#idk what spurred that on either. i havent felt actual grief towards him in so long#but im literally sitting here rn and thinking like. yes at the end of the day he abused me and left me with cptsd#but. at the end of the day he was just a kid. he was an exhausted kid who was getting absolutely nothing that he needed#he used to tell me he planned to kill himself at 16 as a kid and i would always think 'oh that so sad so young'#but now thats im nearly 25 and hes still 21 its like. god. he was still a fucking kid really.#he was a kid that liked to go skateboarding and get ramen with his brother and carried a jellycat bunny everywhere.#who liked roleplaying ocs on minecraft and drawing silly art of them doing stupid stuff together#i havent grieved him in so long. it feels foreign#personal
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