#that church is where I got my newcomer keyring

[episbep]

rehab days seventeen and eighteen

two really tough days. I got some bad/uncomfortable information and spiralled - taking 7 sleeping pills in 2 days didn’t help, it’s still using/abusing behaviour and I made some really unwise choices - namely arranging to buy 14 grams of ket for £140 - cracking deal but the enticement is too much. There’s too much to lose by doing it so idk why I’m tempted to go back to the dark days of addiction, idk what the appeal is in my fucked up little brain. I know logically that I do not want to be an addict, I have tried to stop so many times and it’s taken a fucking lot to get me this far (I’m only 18 days sober but it’s been a fucking mission and a half even getting to this point) and I know that using (especially a fucking half oz) will throw me back into full blown addiction and the consequences would only continue to get more severe. I’m not prepared to give anything else to this fucked up addiction despite having already lost so much, I still have so much left to lose and so much to work towards and look forward to that I do not want to jeopardise. I had a full blown meltdown after I was unable/unwilling to share in group therapy bc my little crush was told to ‘just stop talking and sit with it for a minute’ and that translated to ‘shut up’ in my mind. Couldn’t stop crying, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to stay in treatment but didn’t want to leave either, didn’t want to die but definitely didn’t want to keep on living in pain like…it was awful. I could barely breathe and wanted to be alone but then was appreciative when Carl (the best support worker probably in the world) came and sat with and listened to me, followed by the centre manager lol the drama of it all was a bit much but I was not in a good place whatsoever. To cut a long story short I’ve been put on a risk assessing safety plan and have to - attend an online Buddhist centre meeting daily - stay with other people at pretty much all times - complete a daily diary that I submit as well as a personal daily diary - call the on-call number at 9pm each day and practice radical honesty (the last one I’ve given to myself bc I’m still chiding a lot and acting sneaky which is not healthy helpful or adhering to step one!) if I can prove my commitment to recovery and do all these over the weekend, they are going to explore charity funding to help me extend my stay in treatment and get the help that I clearly fucking need. That was my glimmer of hope. That is what’s keeping me going - that little bit of hope that just maybe I can be okay, that someone believes in me, I’ve just gotta show my dedication. There’s no guarantee, but there is hope, and right now that is enough. I thought I’d get clean and that would be that, I was not prepared for the amount of the hard hard work that I have to put in to sustain sobriety, and all the other shit that comes with it that I’ve had to deal with. The emotions are the worst of it. I’ve used ket as a crutch and a cure for so long, before that it was weed, before that it was drinking and the first addiction of them all was self harm. I’m amazed I haven’t reverted back to it, but I am both pleased and proud that I haven’t. Healing is so non-linear and I don’t ever know what the next day is going to bring. That’s why I just have to take it one day at a time.