#that a lesbian will give up true love and companionship with another woman for a man.

[the-lark-ascending69]

Worst thing is they don't even hate it in itself. They hate it because they like to imagine it would hurt the feelings of a fictional male character.

How could someone be against Ronance?

They literally have the potential to be the best couple in all Stranger Things.

They deserve WAY more love from this fandom!

FR!!!! they have so much chemistry <333 i love them sm and it sucks that some hate them just to hate them

[cowboyjenunfilterednsfw]

My gf is a stone butch, she only likes giving and not receiving. I enjoy both "roles". For the 1st year it was fine, but long story short, we've been together 2 and a half years now and I do miss the giving parts of sex. I miss eating p/ussy so much. I'm not into polyamoury or open relationships, so I'm not getting p/ussy elsewhere. Is there any way that I could cope with this feeling? Like a way to make it go away so I can just feel 100% satisfied being an exclusive bottom.

There are three ways to handle this and none of them are easy but the hard truth (I have sort of been where you are, as have many of my friends--one way or another) is, if you can’t have the full spectrum of your sexuality and passion fulfilled,  being content and happy over a long term is next to impossible. It leads to depression, sadness, distraction and often resentment of your partner. 

The first choice is to resign yourself to the situation you are in. Seek therapy and learn ways to cope with masturbation, fantasy and other resources that perhaps a good therapist can help you find. Seek others in the same position as you (lesbians or bi women) so you can talk about how they handle things and so you can feel some compassion and companionship with women who understand where you are and won’t judge. 

The second choice is to talk to your girlfriend. In my experience, and mine alone, many stone butches are affected by past encounters, trauma or even exposure to ideas in the media and on social media. Things like Butch equals Top and vulnerability means weakness. Butches have to be in charge and never let their guard down etc.  

 It can also stem from body dysmorphia brought on by just existing as a butch and a woman in our world. We are blasted with images of how butches are supposed to look. Muscles, flat chested, wide shoulders, narrow hips, blah blah and more bullshit. The greater world does not understand that a  butch is a butch is a butch.. it is how we move and our energy, not a body type. But many of us internalize that “my body is not right” idea. If she has discomfort in her body for those reasons or any other myriad of reasons it can certainly affect her confidence.  

Dysphoria can also be a distinct cause. If she has disassociated with her body as a sexual component of her self because she is not comfortable in the way women (or perhaps butches) are seen in a fetichized or unrealistic sexual role then for her to “expose” herself as as having a sexual body can induce anxiety and fear. 

Anyone of the above reasons can be addressed and talked about. Therapy can help. It can be hard but perhaps worth it to help her gain trust, confidence or/and a better relationship with her body.  However, whether her being stone has a “cause”, or if she just prefers that or it is her innate way of being, it is ultimately her choice and you might be disappointed if she has no desire or perhaps no ability to change it or even discus it. 

The last choice is to break up. If there can be no middle ground, you will eventually feel unfulfilled and you will begin to feel negatively towards her, the relationship and intimacy.  You might feel anger, frustration and eventually resentment. Not being able to be complete within your sexuality and passion is damaging to your physical and mental health. I know.. I tried. It was awful. And many of my friends have tried. The ultimate truth is.. sometimes Love is just not enough. 

I am sorry these are not really the answers that would make things “easier” but I don’t want anyone, her or you, to damage your mental health or grow dislike of each other when the absence of intimate needs become over whelming. I want to be honest with you because others might say “you can learn to live with it” or “you don’t really need it if you love her” and these niceties are just not true. 

I am very sorry. I hope that a compromise can be reached and your relationship will stay intact (with some hard work).  But do not resign yourself to misery. That is unfair to you and unfair to her. 

[hecatesbroom]

A Downton Abbey headcanon

In which Violet is bisexual and Isobel a lesbian.

Isobel has never known the truth about her preference. The Victorian and Edwardian eras didn't give her much room to consider the feelings she'd had for her female friends, and when she married Reginald, her feelings for him differed from those she felt for women. She was made to think that probably just was how women felt about their husbands. And she loved him, she really, really loved him. Platonically. She could happily spend the rest of her life with him, platonically. Because, as she mentioned to Mary and Tom at some point, she once knew a great love – and who says great love has to be romantic. Perhaps Reginald felt the same way; perhaps they only had Matthew to please society and fulfill their wish of having children, and then decided that was enough.

He passed away and Isobel thought she'd be unable to love someone in the same way again. She probably wouldn't, because it's extremely rare to find such a good companion. He was her intellectual equal in so many ways: in fighting spirit, in knowledge, and he balanced her out with his easy temper.

Isobel always thought she was heterosexual because she didn't consider there was another option for her. Well, perhaps she considered it once and then pushed the thought to the back of her mind.

Violet, on the other hand, was married to a man she got along with. That's all, they got along. She had her near-escape with Prince Kuragin, someone she did have feelings for, and suspected she might like women as well for some time. She just never thought much about it, because after Kuragin she didn't want to make the mistake of having an affair again.

By the time Isobel arrives at Downton, she's clueless about her sexuality because she always had an excuse. Violet has her suspicions about her own sexuality, and funnily enough she's the one who felt attracted to men before.

When she first arrives, Isobel is both intrigued and enraged with the Dowager Countess of Grantham, who thinks of herself as all high and mighty. She wants to do something about it. But somehow, while doing so, she wants to be as near to Violet as she can to keep an eye on her. You know, like one casually visits their rivals for tea. She thinks she just found herself another challenge, and surely that can be the only reason she's dead set on playing and winning whatever game this is.

Naturally, Violet pushed Isobel away immediately. She was the mother of the man who was about to steal the estate away from her granddaughters. And middle class, too.

What she didn't expect, however, was Isobel's fighting spirit. She finds that finally, someone else is just as persistent as she is, and she secretly finds pleasure in it. Just... not too much, because she obviously can't bring herself to like this middle class woman who is trying to turn her world upside-down. Or can she?

Time goes by and Violet slowly begins to develop feelings for Isobel. She knows and attempts to ignore it, resorting to the only way she knows to cope with these kind of things: disguising her feelings with insults and witty remarks.

Isobel, in the meantime, finds herself wanting to get closer to Violet. She thinks of their rivalries constantly, somehow always on the lookout for the opportunity to start another once one is resolved. Not only because she feels indignant so often, but also to be around Violet in the only way they know how: wrapped in some kind of discussion.

Not a lot changes between them throughout the first years, though Violet placed Isobel's nutcracker – the first Christmas gift she received from her – with some other trinkets in her drawing room.

By the time Dr. Clarkson proposes to Isobel, she already came to realise that the way she feels about men isn't how all women feel about them. She only ever saw men as friends, and while she thinks she could be happy with Clarkson in that sense, she doesn't think they'd make each other happy as a married couple. She begins to realise she feels something different for Violet – but dares not to speculate on it.

Until eventually, when Violet falls ill and Isobel sees no option but to care for her, they're simultaneously smacked across the face with realisation. Violet still attempts to push Isobel away at first; she's already feeling dreadful, there's no way she can deal with feelings while combating an illness. Isobel, however, decides that it is what it is – and that, even if Violet might never like her back in that way, she could still attempt to form a friendship.

It becomes increasingly difficult for Violet to ignore her feelings for Isobel when the latter is clearly trying very hard to be friends, and Violet eventually comes to the same conclusion: they could be friends, at least.

Obviously friends isn't all they stay. It happens around the time Dickie is pursuing Isobel, and Violet fears for her cherished companionship with the woman she now acknowledged her love for. She doesn't want to let Isobel go like that, and ends up confessing over tea with a sarcastic comment. It takes Isobel a bit to grasp the message; so much as she understood its meaning immediately, she can't comprehend that it's true. It can't be, after all these years.

Yet Violet confirms it all by taking hold of Isobel's hand and pressing a kiss on it. An appreciated gesture, and one that Isobel is glad to reciprocate, followed by: "you knew all along?"

"Most of the time," sounds Violet's cryptic remark.

It progresses semi-slowly from there, because it takes a bit of time for the two to get used to the reality of it all. And besides, they have their family to think of. Neither of them is convinced that Robert would survive finding out anything like this, and they have their doubts about Carson – even if he might not be officially part of the family.

It takes them a while, but they acknowledge their relationship and feelings. Tom knows almost right from the start, but he doesn't tell them because he doesn't want to intrude. He probably ends up being the first person they tell, though.

[lettersandinkstains]

WIP Re Introduction | The Three Steps of Romance

genre ; romance, slice of life,  lgbt, contemporary, contemporary romance themes ; navigating adulthood, unconditional love, semi found family, companionship, desires to escape, main female roles, main lgbt+ roles, loneliness, lgbt+ issues, self acceptance, transgender issues and rights, wlw romance, pride, longing, finding place in the world warnings ; some lgbt+ issues brought up -- mentioned homophobia and transphobia, but not from any main character (or loved ones), fluff, short romance, swearing, drinking.

pov ; dual first persons - alternating chapters progress ; planning stages, developing characters

#threestepromance #tsr

summary: “new town, new me” is a cliche mantra people say when they head somewhere new -- knowing they have the chance to reinvent themselves and leave their ghosts behind. for artemis, this saying is entirely true in every sense of the word. since her transition during vet school, she had always dreamed of getting away from the town she lived in and live entirely as herself even though her friends, family, and now ex girlfriend had been supportive of her. and when she found an opening for a needed vet in a small coastal town, she had immediately applied.

ember has always lived life through the camera, always off in her own world on an adventure in different parts of the world. there had never been a time in her life where she had felt at ease where she is, always bored and seeking thrill and daydreaming of meeting her future wife in a grand and unforgettable way. yet, she knows how impossible that is and knows that soulmates don’t exactly exist and questions the love at first sight notion.

until she meets artemis one night in a bar.

characters ;

artemis - 28 years old, lesbian, trans. she’s a laid back woman with a go getter attitude. she is a fan of olden day horror movies and works as a vet. she prefers dogs over cats, rainy days, and being able to sleep in. may or may not have a minor addiction to coffee.

ember - 27 years old, lesbian. a spunky woman with a heart of gold. she has a habit of talking too much, burning her food, and running late. the camera is her best friend, and lives entirely in a daydream. she wants to work for national geographic, but currently works for the local newspaper. has difficulties reading the atmosphere at times, and can be quite dramatic.

sky - 27 years old, bisexual, non binary. they’re ember’s closest friend, and has been since childhood. they tend to keep ember more grounded, and are generally supportive of her future dreams. they’re snarky and work as a vet tech at the same veterinary hospital as artemis does.

mason - 30 years old, gay, trans. newly engaged and always up for an adventure, mason is ember’s cousin. he tends to encourage embers’ more hyperactive side without meaning to. he works as a math teacher at the local high school.

ezekiel - 31 years old, gay, cis. he’s mason’s soon to be husband, and has kept his rebellious streak from his teen years. he absolutely loves conspiracy theories and shares a love for old horror movies. a flirt by nature, anything he says can make most people swoon and blush. he works as a chemistry teacher at the same high school as mason.

aurora - 28 years old, lesbian, cis. artemis’ supportive ex girlfriend and confidant. they broke up due to growing apart over the years, and due to aurora’s job as a flight attendant. she’s kind and quite shy.

paisley - 25 years old, asexual, cis. just graduated as a pharmacy tech, paisley has a dream of opening up her own pharmacy one day. she works at the local hospital currently and is in a relationship with sky.

eliana - 26 years old. aromantic asexual, cis. eli has a few novels published under a pseudonym. she hopes to make it big in the writing world one day, but so far, no luck. she had recently moved to the small coastal town of lakewood just a year prior, and enjoys hiking and sporting events. she’s currently working as a barista but hopes to get hired as a history teacher at one of the two high schools.

nova - 30 years old, lesbian, cis. nova works at the local gay bar as a bartender -- she knows her way around the kitchen and makes a mean drink. she’s been married for the last five years of her life, and acts as a mother hen to the younger patrons. she and her wife are currently hoping to adopt, and have a two year old. she is also a drag king in the local drag scene, and goes by Miles.

SCENE ;

The bar is nicely lit, with a large rainbow flag hanging behind the bartender, and the atmosphere is calm -- much calmer than I had expected it to be. But I guess large cities and smaller towns have different vibes, and at least here, there’s no expectation to get wasted.

“I guess I’ll have an aviation,” I tell the bartender as I look around. I’ve been here two weeks, and this is my first time actually going out and socializing. My only outlet before this had been Aurora and Zatanna, but dogs aren’t much for conversations and Aurora had been on a trip to another country and couldn’t talk very much or for very long. And as much as I’d like to call my parents to let them know I made it, I’m still not quite ready to speak with them.

When I announced that I was moving, mom had cried, saying that she had always dreamed of her family always being close by and coming home for Sunday dinners but now, that would be impossible. Dad was a little more supportive -- but asked if it was because of another woman, and when I told him no, he was slightly disappointed.

“So, are you new around here?” The bartender asks as she sets the drink down in front of me. When I give her a quizzical look, she gives me a sheepish smile. “Just haven’t seen your face here before.”

“Oh. Ah. Yeah, quite new,” I rub the back of my neck. Why is talking to women so hard? “Decided to check this place it. It’s quite chill.”

“Yeah, it is,” The woman agrees. “I’m Nova, by the way.”

“Artemis,”

“Hey, Nova!” A voice calls out and I turn to look at the speaker. A woman stands close to me, hands on the counter, her hair falling over her shoulders, messily and there’s a ray of light shining around her. I can’t help but stare. “Could I order a pink vodka lemonade and two whiskey sours? Mason just got engaged so I’m treating him and Ezekiel tonight!”

“Sure thing,” As Nova works on the drinks, this seemingly angel takes the seat next to me and watches her intently. “So, newbie, what brought you to Lakewood?”

“Work,” I answer as I take a sip of my drink. Red hot alcohol races down my throat. “And needed a do-over, I think.”

“Makes sense,”

Angel-girl looks at me, her pretty brown eyes wide. “Oh? You’re new here?” Before I can answer, a large grin breaks across her freckled face, and I feel mine heat up. “I’m Ember!”

Ember. Ember. 

[cowboyjen68]

Hii Jen, I know you are not a bisexual woman, but I really trust your answers so maybe you have one for me. It’s okay if you don’t! Do you think that a bisexual woman can be bi if she isn’t attracted to penis? Or men’s lower parts... I mean, I would be okay with it, I could cope bc I want the sex and the body proximity, but I don’t desireee their genital like I desire vagina, etc., you know? But I do have interest in famous men and I can fantasize and find them hot. :/

I didn’t want this answer to get lost in the posts about Rita but I needed the break and to get back to writing .

I think there are a myriad of ways that our sexuality exists and things are not always exactly a precise type of attraction. What turns us on.. ignites sexual passion, can be affected my experience, maturity, trauma and also just be part of our innate attraction to others.  

Understanding our sexuality can also be undermined by culture, the media and social media, family, religion and even our friends or peer group. We are tosses many mixed signals and often, people sharing their experience and trying to align it with yours can make it harder, especially if you are only getting a limited amount of those stories.  It is important to hear many sides and to NOT fit yourself too closely into someone else’s experience. 

All that being said.. sexuality is, in part based on genitals for most people. We are not unaffected by the physical aspect of potential partners. And it is NOT all about genitals or even secondary sex characteristic, there are many things, physically that make another human attracted to us. AND for me, as a same sex attracted female. there also must be “something” about the other person’s personality to make me truly passionate about them. The scenario of physical, emotional, and intellectual interest must line up  or we are destined to be just friends. 

I am NOT a therapist and I can only tell you my opinion.   From what you say.. you are not a bisexual.. you are only attracted to females as far as romantic partners are concerned. I love my male friends. I think they are cute, warm and loving. Many of them, even the straight ones, have hearts of gold and I truly believe that they will make a wonderful partner to another man or woman, but I hold no “passion” for them. Hugs?  Great!   Sitting close and enjoying their companionship? Nice on scary movie night. But there is no more. 

I could power through sex with a man I cared about. I have(right when I came out and thought I would give it a try). It was not awful, I was not traumatized. But is was not passionate nor truly enjoyable and I felt no connection other than sort of just ‘well.. he seems happy”.

DO NOT and I repeat... DO NOT have sex with a man (or anyone) because you crave touch.  You will feel emptier than you did before because it will not fulfill all of the things needed to make you happy. Touch, chemistry, connection, trust and passion are all important. Don’t power through sex just to have the affection. YOU deserve true intimacy and you will find it. 

DON’t let people tell you “hearts not parts”.. This is a grand Idea for sure and it works for some people. DON’t let people try and convince you that we can somehow “rise” above our innate orientation where the vagina and penis are one and the same as long we we love the person. Sexual orientation does not work that way for most of us and you are fine and perfect when a woman you think is attractive also turns you on because of her physical  body. 

To be clear, as a lesbian, I find famous men attractive and certainly get crushes (or did when i was younger).. Nathan Fillion, David Duchovny.. but these men are out there in a world where their flaws are controlled and we never have to worry about actually being faced with the possibility of touching them intimately. They are a safe space for us to explore attraction and sexuality. You can be a lesbian and still think Nathan Fillion is “ruggedly handsome”.  . 

[wandaluvstacos]

So here’s something that makes me a little uncomfortable.

There are a lot of people who think that if anyone in the olden days lived out their life without marrying and in the same household as someone of the same gender who was unrelated to them, that it has to mean that they were secretly gay.

There are a lot of times when this is true, and there is sufficient evidence to back this up. But the fact alone that they lived with another person of the same gender is not what I consider “evidence”. First of all, we come to these relationships from a modern-day perspective, saturated in a culture of sex and relationships that people back then were not subject to. I’m not saying they were morally pure or whatever bullshit nostalgic dream fundamentalists jack themselves off over, but they were not bombarded with sexual messaging as we are today, and because of that, there was more freedom to express platonic affection with others. Men wrote each other fawning letters about their friendship, women kissed each other without thinking it was weird. That’s actually how friendships should be, but in our homophobic and sexualized society, saying that you love someone of the same gender must automatically mean that you want to fuck them. Which I think is kind of sad. 

Second of all, as someone who would love to live out her days in a deep and platonic friendship with another woman, I think it discounts the possibility that maybe they just didn’t give a shit about sex. Or if they did, it wasn’t that big of a deal for them. Women, especially, had few options back then. It was either get married or die alone and impoverished, so there would be a lot of benefits for two spinsters who wanted to live together and support each other - financially and emotionally. There weren’t a lot of people living in the small towns of old, and if you wanted meaningful companionship, living together was probably the only way to do it. Visiting a friend even three miles away would have required a very long walk. Not to mention the labor required just to wash your clothes and feed yourself. Living by yourself would have been impossibly difficult in a time when just putting food on the table took you all day. Having two pairs of working hands would be very helpful. 

It’s a shame when people can’t see beyond sex to the obvious benefits of long-term and close platonic relationships. I don’t want to shout down the gay community and tell them not to “make historical figures gay”. Obviously there are cases in which these assumptions definitely apply and are most likely true. But I also want to say that sometimes there’s no deeper meaning to adoring old timey letters written between friends. It sort of makes me sad that we no longer have that, that emotional connections require sex in order to be seen as “valid” by modern society, that if I told someone I was moving across the country to live with a really good friend, “Omg you’re a lesbian” would be the first thing they’d say. Or, if I did so with a man, “So are you guys, like, together?” (I cannot even talk to my male friend in a parking lot without someone shouting this out their car window. Yes this actually happened.)

[gyrlversion]

PLATELLS PEOPLE: What silver splicers teach us about joy of marriage

Just when it seemed the institution of marriage was as endangered as an orderly Brexit, news greets us that the number of ‘silver splicers’ taking second vows in their 60s has doubled since 2001.

People who have already gone through the agonies of divorce or bereavement have decided that the best way to be happy is — whisper it — to marry again.

The eternal longing for mutual friendship, for understanding, companionship and, yes, sex in their 60s and beyond, has proved something many cannot resist.

What is so striking is that this goes against the long trend of falling marriage rates in an era when the institution has been denigrated — viewed as a ‘lifestyle choice’ that’s no better than simply living together.

In our anything-goes society, why should couples have to make a public proclamation of their commitment or proffer a pesky marriage certificate to prove their love?

The eternal longing for mutual friendship, for understanding, companionship and, yes, sex in their 60s and beyond, has proved something many cannot resist (stock image)

Successive governments have attacked married couples’ allowances for fear of suggesting marriage is better than other lifestyles — that of a struggling single mum, for example. Yet there’s a vast body of evidence to show that marriage is statistically the most effective way of keeping relationships together, the most stable way of bringing up children and giving them a good education and job prospects.

Of course, it’s not a bed of roses. Many marriages end in divorce. Lives broken, dreams shattered and, above all, children damaged.

However, the fact is you are far more likely to split up when co-habiting. You’re also more likely to end up in old age bereft of companionship and good health. It’s not for nothing that across the cultures, for centuries, marriage has been the bedrock that has underpinned society.

Which makes it all the more encouraging that these ‘silver splicers’ — with the benefit of wisdom they’ve acquired over the years — have come round once more to understanding that life is enriched by sharing it with another person, with a commitment made before family and friends. We were not born to live alone.

As that A. A. Milne poem, written almost 100 years ago, tells us:

‘It isn’t much fun for One, but Two

Can stick together,’ says Pooh, says he.

‘That’s how it is,’ says Pooh.

Cheer up, Louise 

Having divorced her husband of 19 years to ‘find’ herself, Louise Redknapp says of her raunchy video to new single Stretch: ‘As a 44-year-old woman with two children, I should be allowed to have fun and not be scared to be sexy.’ 

All power to you, sister. But if you’re so happy with your lot, why do you look so unutterably miserable?

Louise Redknapp says of her raunchy video to new single Stretch: ‘As a 44-year-old woman with two children, I should be allowed to have fun and not be scared to be sexy’

Be prepared, Marchioness

No word of explanation after speculation that the Duchess of Cambridge had fallen out with her very posh Norfolk ‘rural rival’ and friend Rose Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondeley.

Ignoring the rumours, Kate, dressed in jeans, boots and a red jumper, huddled with children in a den this week to celebrate the 100th year of the Scouts. 

Their motto is ‘Be Prepared’. So a word to the Marchioness. However rich you are, be prepared one day to be curtseying to Queen Kate.

Idris Elba at National Film Awards  at Porchester Hall, London, on Wednesday

A non-violent 007? 

Idris Elba collected two gongs at the National Film Awards wearing a Don’t Stab Your Future sweatshirt as knife deaths hit a record high. 

A powerful message to teenagers today from a lad who grew up in a tough-as-nails council estate in the East London borough of Hackney.

Idris, with his stern warning, is the perfect role model for kids who might be tempted to join gangs or who have already joined them.

Although perhaps he should eschew the lure of 007 — after all, Bond has a licence to kill. 

Mel B’s Scary jealous outbursts

After Spice Girl Mel B claimed she’d had a lesbian fling with Ginger Spice, which Geri Horner (formerly Halliwell) denied, Mel went on to call Posh Spice, now known as Victoria Beckham, a ‘b*tch’.

VB and Geri are both married and very, very rich — whereas Mel B is divorced, says she’s penniless and is living in rented accommodation. Not so much Scary Spice as Spiteful Spice.

Geri Halliwell, Victoria Adams (Beckham), Melanie Brown (Mel B) front, Melanie Chisholm (Mel C) and Emma Bunton at AOL in New York

A dispiriting survey reveals that seven million UK mums will not see their grown-up children on Mothering Sunday tomorrow.

More than one in four of these sons and daughters say they won’t travel more than ten miles to see their mothers, many claiming that they have other plans. And one in ten admits they don’t see them even once a year!

So, a call to arms for all of you: drop your precious plans for just one Sunday, turn up unannounced — and tell Mum that you love her. It won’t just make her feel wonderful, but you, too.

Age-defying Elizabeth Hurley, 53, stepped out for dinner and dancing with her ex-husband Arun Nayar this week, having been on holiday with him and his girlfriend last summer. 

Is Liz the ex from heaven — or hell? What girlfriend wants to spend her holiday with her beau’s ex — and one who looks better in a bikini, or a few safety pins, than any fiftysomething woman has the right even to dream of? 

Westminster wars

After the PM said that she would quit as leader, doctors revealed they had discovered a woman who felt no pain and could put up with agonies no other human could withstand. For a moment, I thought they were talking about Theresa May.

Shame on all the MPs who refused to vote through the PM’s Brexit agreement yesterday. Every single person I have encountered recently wants a conclusion to this chaos and for the country to move on. A plague on all these wrecking politicians.

Sad though some may be to see her go, at least the exit of Mrs May will see the end of that horrible pale blue Italian Herno coat — which looked as though she’d slept in for a month after she misguidedly considered it to be ‘lucky’.

In a world where we despair of the courage of humans, seven dogs from the Met and British Transport Police were honoured with ‘animal OBEs’ for bravery during the Westminster Bridge and London Bridge terror attacks. 

The firearms support and explosive search dogs were Kai, Delta, Marci, Zax, Bruno, Dave and Bobby. True heroes.

He enthralled us on stage as Hamlet, beguiled us as Jonathan Pine on TV in The Night Manager, intrigued us as the brief boyfriend of pop star Taylor Swift. 

Now, heart-throb Tom Hiddleston is serving up raw vegetables, pills and a heart-shaped fried egg in an advert selling multi-vitamins to the Chinese. 

No wonder Taylor swiftly moved on.

Fears that shops selling Easter eggs in March are fuelling childhood obesity are surely misplaced. 

Walking past my local ice-cream parlour, with queues of children looking for three scoops of double-chocolate pistachio, I realised the epidemic isn’t seasonal, but 12 months a year.

Police have issued an emoji guide to social workers over their hidden meanings. 

Evidently, ‘clapping hands’ is not, as I believed, a sign of approbation, but can indicate a liking for being spanked. 

Now I know why various politicians have not returned my messages. 

How delightful that, for the first time I can recall, the Queen this week took her white gloves off in public. 

Not to greet a foreign dignitary, but to feed a police horse a couple of carrots.

Having finally agreed to be extradited to the UK, smirking speedboat killer Jack Shepherd has listed his demands. 

Single occupancy of a cell with 24-hour surveillance, his own guards and access to the ‘mass media’, including pictures of his living conditions. 

Who does he think he is? Julian Assange?

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