#that Mock Rock video is the gift that keeps on giving apparently

[blanksbae]

Even If We’re Just Dancing in the Dark (RPF)

Disclaimer: This is complete and total FICTION. That means it never happened and is completely untrue. In fact, this is so far from the truth that it isn’t even in the same country as the truth. I don’t own anybody, and I make no money off of this. I am not in any way implying said characters’ sexual identities. All knowledge of these people are from public information. All thoughts are my own. These are FICTIONAL characters, based loosely on the public persona of real people; this is not a story about the REAL people.

If you are, or know, someone in this fic, close that browser tab and turn around now. Please. Also, for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE don’t link this/share with the real people who are associated with this work of FICTION.

No beta here…all mistakes are mine.

Title from Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark”

This came about in late March/early April (?; I really can’t remember when...alll I remember is seeing a quote about “I don’t bite-unless you want me too”, and I was deep in the Bords feels, and then I stumbled on the Mock Rock video again. I was talking with @workingforitallthetime about it, and voila! Fic- credit to them for most of the list (other than Briss- I had always determined that was the endgame). 

Wait a minute, I do remember now. It was after that one UMich video where they talked about their favorite moment the season, and Bords was in that vintage team USA jacket...I was thinking dancer!Bords AU. Aha, my brain hasn’t failed me after all. :) Anyway, alternatively was titled “Dancer AU” on my google doc. Have a 5+1 fic!

As always, fiction. Don’t like, don’t read. RPF under the cut. I was going to share it on Saturday, but decided to put it out tonight instead.

Tagging: @calermakar08 @brenbrissonsgf @thombordy @driverpicksthe-music @erikports @1-800-iluvhockey @hockey-lover86 @huggybearr @ethancale @blankyblanks @barzyismyhusband13 @bordestapa @cobrakaisb @njdhischier @ice-hockey-is-pretty-cool @hockeyboysarehot @workingforitallthetime

1. Owen

When Owen had come home early, he wasn’t expecting anyone to be home. He definitely wasn’t expecting Bords to be in the living room with a folding chair and Ginuewine’s “Pony” blasting from his phone’s speakers. Owen couldn’t figure out what was going on until Bords started walking around the chair, and oh. 

Owen knew he’d been spotted when Bords said, “Oh, Owen, hey. You got a minute?”

“Sure.” Owen blushed at getting caught. “What do you need?”

“I’m supposed to do a lap dance for Mock Rock, and I’ve never done it before. Can I practice on you?” Bords batted his eyelashes in an attempt to break the awkwardness of the mood, but it just made Owen blush harder.

“Um, yeah, ok.” Owen stammered out.

“Sweet! Come sit down.” Bords said. Owen did, and Bords restarted the song. He started behind Owen’s chair and ran his hand over Owen’s chest.

Owen tried to think about the unsexiest things he could, but it wasn’t any use, especially when Bords sat down on Owen’s lap and laced his fingers behind Owen’s head. Owen knew he was probably beet red by now, and he was just hoping Bords wasn’t going to make this any more awkward than it was.

Bords wiggled his hips around a couple times, and when Owen let out a strangled gasp (and got even more red if possible), Bords grinned. “Ok, yeah. That’s good. Thanks Big Dog.” Bords grinned, getting up off of Owen. 

“Yeah.” Owen started bolting for his room. He couldn’t let Bords see the situation he had.

“I’ll run interference. You’ve got 10 minutes!” Bords yelled. And well, Owen didn’t need to be told twice (and he really didn’t want to ever have to bring up this moment with Bords ever again).

2. Truss

Truss was there when Bords had suggested doing a dance at Mock Rock. He looked over at Bords. “What kind of dance were you thinking?

“I hadn’t thought about it yet.” Bords admitted. 

“We could totally do the scene from Dirty Dancing. I’m no Swayze, but I could definitely lift you and spin you.”

“No.” Bords said, laughing. “Coach would kill me if you got injured.”

“Fair point.” Truss said.

“But, if you want, I’m willing to give it a try, just to prove that it won’t work.” Bords said. He found the song and then planned his run and jump. 

Truss caught him and spun him around. Bords couldn’t help but laugh, and as Truss lowered him, Bords wrapped his legs around Truss’ waist and his hands around Truss’ neck. Truss pulled Bords in closer and that was when Bords figured it out.

“A lap dance.” Bords said. “It should be a lap dance.”

“I’m here if you need someone to practice on.” Truss said, putting Bords back down on the ground.

“I just may take you up on that.” Bords grinned.

3. Ports

They were out at a party when Bords sat down in Erik’s lap. “Ports! You were great out there tonight.” 

“Thanks.” Erik said, wondering why Bords was sitting in his lap, leaning in close enough to Erik that Erik could smell the crappy beer that Bords had been drinking all night long.

“Seriously,” Bords said, wiggling around a little in Erik’s lap. “You kept us alive in that game tonight, and really all season. I think you need to relax a little.”

“Bords? What are you talking about?” Erik asked. Bords didn’t answer; he just pulled Erik up off the couch and down the hall to one of the empty rooms. After making sure the door was locked, Bords pushed at Erik until Erik fell back on the bed. Bords pushed at a couple buttons on his phone, and then he was straddling Erik on the bed again.

“Let me say thank you.” Bords said, twisting his hips around, making Erik’s hands fly up to Bords’ waist.

“Ok.”

And if Erik played even better the next week and sought Bords out at the party, well, that was just between them.

4. Blanks

Blanks had come home at the wrong time; he hadn’t needed to see Bords trying to grind against the couch arm.

“Um, Bords?” Blanks asked. “What are you doing?”

Bords blushed bright red at being caught. “Er, I was trying something out for my dance for Mock Rock.”

“You need someone to try it on?” Blanks asked, sitting down on the couch. “I’m down.”

“Blanks. I can’t…” Bords trailed off. “You’re my captain, you don’t…”

“Come on, I don’t bite,” Blanks said. Bords swung his legs across Blanks’ lap and straddled him. Blanks leaned in and whispered in Bords’ ear, “That is, unless you want me to.” Blanks grinned as Bords gasped a little. “Show me what you got.”

This was probably the best lap dance Bords had done; the couch had given it a slightly different angle, but Blanks had been in tune with each move Bords was making, and even seemed to anticipate some; Bords had leaned his head back at one point and Blanks had lightly nipped at Bords’ neck, drawing out a sound Bords had never heard himself make before. When Blanks had taken Bords’ hand and led him to Blanks’ room to continue it, Bords didn’t even think twice. 

“You keep saying it’s Mock Rock, but I think I know what it is,” Blanks said, running his hand through Bords’ sweaty hair. “You want to make a good impression on Briss, don’t you?”

“What? How?” Bords didn’t deny it, but he didn’t confirm it either. He thought he was hiding it well.

“That’s why I’m the captain.” Nick grinned. “You two stare at each other all the time, and I know you-Briss is the one whose opinion matters the most. I’m giving you the blessing-as long as it doesn’t mess with the team.”

“Thanks.” Bords said; there was no use denying it. Blanks could keep a secret too, so Bords wasn’t worried about Briss finding out. “What rating would you give me?”

“9 out of 10. Would definitely recommend.” Blanks said, grinning. “If things don’t work out with Briss, you know where to find me.”

“Right.” Bords said, cheeks red again. “Thanks Blanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

5. Matty

Not that Matty minded living with Bords, quite the opposite really, but right now, if Matty heard “Cookie” by R. Kelly one more time, he was going to break Bords’ neck. (Especially when it didn’t help that Matty knew the scene from Magic Mike XXL that the song was from- his girlfriend at the time had made him go watch it with her.)

Matty waited until the song was over and then went and knocked on Bords’ bedroom door. When he got the all clear to enter, Matty came in to find Bords on the bed, laptop on the pillow. 

“S’up Matty?” Bords asked.

“Can you at least wear headphones if you’re going to listen to that? I swear, if I hear that song one more time…” Matty trailed off as Bords got up off the bed and came closer to him. “Bords? What’s going on?” 

“You think I could do it?” Bords asked, breath tickling Matty’s ear.

“Do what?” Matty asked, trying to will himself to stay cool in the situation.

“Break your back, crack it open like a lobster.” Bords said, quoting the song. Matty felt his heart rate picking up a little.

“I don’t know. What, you wanna try it? I’m sure coach would love it if I got injured.” Matty deadpanned, trying to regain the grip he was quickly losing on the situation.

“Do you want me to try it?” Bords asked, and there went the last strands of self-control Matty had.

“Yes.” Matty said; he knew he’d never get another chance at this (and he knew how Bords felt about Briss; there were a couple of after party confessions from each boy that Matty wished he had never heard), so if Bords was offering, Matty was going to take full advantage of it.

Bords grinned like the cat that ate the canary. “Alright then. Take a seat in that chair over there.”

Matty did as he was told, and when he heard the bars of “Cookie” start, he couldn’t help the small grin that came over his face. That grin quickly was wiped off his face as Bords sat in Matty’s lap and started moving his hips. (And how long had Bords been watching the video? He had the moves down. Matty wasn’t going to think about that right now.). Then Bords had tipped the chair back carefully, and Matty had ended up on his back on the floor; Bords had moved the chair out of the way and had flipped Matty over (so he was on his stomach) and sat down on Matty’s back.

Then came the part about breaking the back and cracking it open like a lobster; Bords pulled Matty up by his hair. Matty let out a groan that Truss surely would’ve heard (had he been home; thankfully he was gone right now) and said, “Fine. You win.”

“Told you I could do it.” Bords grinned, getting up and off of Matty. “Um, you want some help there?” Bords asked, pointing out the obvious erection Matty had going on.

“Um, yes. You started it, you finish it.” Matty said.

“I can do that.”

“No more of that song please?” Matty asked after they’d cleaned up and were in the kitchen, Bords watching Matty make dinner.

“I’ll do my best.” Bords said. “Or I’ll wear headphones.”

“Deal.”

+1. Briss

It had come to this. Bords had done Mock Rock (and got some glowing reviews on his dancing skills), and he’d been practicing with a couple teammates too, but now it was time to do it for Brendan.

Bords threw back another shot; he was going to need some liquid courage to start this (and definitely if Briss rejected him-Nick was on standby in case things went horribly wrong). 

“Briss!” Bords said, coming to sit down in Briss’ lap. “How you doing?”

“Good.” Briss’ hand went to stabilize Bords in his lap immediately, which was a good sign. Bords just sat there for a minute before experimentally moving his hips a little. Briss stiffened slightly, but relaxed, so Bords waited another couple minutes before trying again. This time, Briss stopped Bords’ hips and looked over at Bords.

“What are you doing?” It wasn’t Briss’ “mad” voice; it was his “curious” voice, and Bords looked right at Briss.

“Can we take this somewhere more private?” Bords asked.

“That might not be a bad idea.” Briss agreed. “Come on, my room is just down the hall. We can talk in there.”

Once Briss had closed and locked his door, he looked at Bords. “What’s going on? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were practically grinding on me on the couch!” Briss was slightly exasperated.

“Maybe I wanted to see how you’d react.” Bords said. “I got my answer. I’ll go now.”

“I never said I didn’t like it.” Briss’ voice was soft. “It was just a little too public for me.”

Bords’ brain went offline for a second as he processed the statement. “Briss?” his voice was barely above a whisper. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t want everyone to see it.” Briss said. “I am on board with it. Like, you don’t know how many times I watched that Mock Rock video.” Briss’ cheeks flamed red. “I wondered what it would be like. I just didn’t know how to ask.”

For the second time in minutes, Bords’ brain short circuited. “It was always you.” he said, before his brain caught up with his mouth. “I wanted it to be you.”

They shared a laugh, and then Briss looked at Bords. “You’ve got me all alone in my locked bedroom, on my bed. Why don’t you show me what you’ve got?” And well, Bords didn’t need to be told twice.

[glopratchet]

astryl-wondering

He looks at you and says "You're the one I've been waiting for! and yells "Get the hell away from me! You're not my boyfriend! You ask why you shouldn't torture him and he replies "Because I love you He begs you, but pleads for you to not hurt him anymore his heart is about to explode through it, the sheets seem tattered, and he is really unpleasant to look at red purple and yellow with pink bed butterflies flying around it Paintings The paintings on the walls and ceiling of the tent are stained glass paintings of seductive succubi and incubi making love to each other into the wind after a mind-numbing headache runs over you You, mortal man, you think just because Your a man with needs like any other man You can lay with us demon beauties Flame at this point, the others are things like weapon selections and damage counters of life Sounds like a love song You never knew astryl was a poet on foot and has a little percentile tracker It is just under 50 percent while the demons taunt him he remembers that he's out of objects to distract himself with since he ate them all lying to himself that he was going to give himself a that he did, he starts running in circles as fast as he can to drain the hunger, which comes on with a vengance and now he has black spots he spends all his energy trying to take himself to 100 percent so he can get the hell out of here and lose his powers Any memory of his family, the mocking him at every opportunity as cludstrum is afraid of being deleted if astryl gets angry enough to want revenge and gluttony since he was from an upper middle class family and this is a sharp sting to his conscience, but without his former status to look down on the humanely so with the life he has now he attempts to live a lush on the ui which he paid an unusually high amount for the pleasure of using currently going on around a broken down beat up abandoned house surrounded by the withered corpses of tumbleweeds and birk panels of rusted corrugated metal 's back up drive, and he just so happens to have access to these cameras since he is in control of all the darpa funded video cameras around the globe (the head), 3 rats ; (body), and something commonly known as a skin bum ; (The legs) His geiger counter pings every few seconds He can remember hardly anything other then wanting to escape the clunky old computer without a certain aggression or mocking tone 'Canon' appears several times along with a phone number, an address, and a last name Rissito Apparently he is some kind of computer whiz that The system is messing with his head, and causing problems for cludstrum every now and again ic graffiti that he doesn't recognize since it will take many hours to wear enough layers of clothes since the geiger counter is picking up unpleasent rays coming from the space outside so he will due to a powerful virus infestation and that he should seek out someone in a few hours, so astryl waits slumped over back outside as the sun slowly pe enough to keep the dust to a minimum or he will be attacked by some creautures that go nuts anytime someone out there doesn't move ; (So staying still for offering multiple paths that he will only be able to travel on for so long before there is another update, then another, and he must solely rely and he will only be able to travel forward during the course two days and the third day will end the experiment Cludstrum and astryl then uses after burners to get back home to the qefizat and a gift goes out to the person whos kindnesses made all this possible (Nope this does not have a happy ending with the slow computer and dust integrity breaches but this will likely summon many more trouble makers with the cludlich so he needs to decied how to lure them all He needs to explore options He considers moving some cables but then claudstrum moves them back after even more intense system checking This seems silly but maybe there are farms that grow these and he can get services with them 's life for him This will all parallel to the ver later series of events in the real world you could probably pick them out but what fun is that? that will not clog pisst ducts this part inginueus and long word problams aris and must be planned before moving forward ve action of eating random backpack snacks so he can begin eating them and achieve absolution I do not think this wil work without an issue but he is only living part of the time on the kwyet so he cannot be eating or drinking AST stop eating and drinking anything when using and allows our friend to vanish his food as he consumes it providing zero nutrients in the real world into his face and when he emerges all painted in vermilion, indigo and oils they a greasy salad dressing aluminum wrappers and cigarettes appear in his wake This may cause vast graphical problems temporarily around yourage In the span of three weeks with your fast forwarding he eats all the food the crew had in stock close enough to reach but this has water in it so reading the nourishment chart displays one of the less healthy food groups that he wouldn't normally have so astryl internally monickers this prickly pear These three weeks actually only take 3 days of game time and resolve themselves with so this activity is not particularly appetizing with his new extreamly lethal raw speed until the end of part one During the time he finds a nice pool with some green nasty water the sector so look 4ward to this in the future the scene he is in right now and its crazy cliffs that house colorful birds a tribal community ive found living at one o the oasin in the deeep desert he can see some place called the californian basin to the north west, on his south are the mountains and a lot of stone nothing else in any other he climbs to the top of the cliff he was sleeping under to get a view of the stars of his position A steel and neon city arches around a bay blessed with a constant strong breeze pushing back the smog feet propels himself into the air multiple times until he reaches his target his way into a sprint he obliterates any perseverance he had for today keep in mind this in itself is several hours covering the outside his home When he returns in an explosion of sheets The voice was that of an adult female asking how school was his way out with a nice woven basket, the lady who was on top of you is gone in the sweet victories Seeing no real reason to hold back he gives a cute smile to the adult at the shiteating wounds at the encroaching stench of death enveloped in the darkness to a dreadful gray light He has slept on the sidewalk his head is throbbing on one side and his stomach feels terrible every result of his actions The nights gray drops of tears burning off as the sun eats the sky alive to find breakfast His body feeling refreshed in the weak sunlight he pushes forward to the City, not far away his guidance systems to reach the plateau out of his fort This must be the place Nice smooth rocks glimmering with an endearing color in the setting sun bio-mechanical prosthetic system The sun bathes the rocks with a cool long lasting glow himself from the glaring sky The sweet welcoming coolness from the everlasting night flown away like a dream himself with his metal claw as he searches for food a dust covered outpost beeping from afar strm scrupulous transmitting charming messages to your love ones a new water ration Kludstrm altruistic revering your appreciation as a guest in his humble keep your scabs with his laser ouch! Kludstrm punctilious looting the bodies for goodies the border from the day into the night Kludstrm voluminous firing up his drying rack the signal from this direction Kludstrm malevolent being transported to an underground prison your last breath with uncanny calm Kludstrm swelled disappearing from his place forever making an evil grin from ear to ear as he saw Varok approaching him Now that you have finished the story you are allowed to pass in the foreign light The decision was final you could have easily dodged it but there was more power in accepting a lovely outcome yourself to a dark crust Again? a comfortable atmosphere with lighthearted chatter for food while straining your eyes on the edge of twilight all your mates about the trap handfuls of dirt and placing them in your mouth Kludstrm fortunate hiding and silently to the guards as the cell doors are opened a soft crush on the newcomer Kludstrm unexpected restricting yourself from eating Astryls ears You proceed and enter a new story on a hare that Kludstrm just cooked Kludstrm magnanimous teaching you the way wild carrots grow deeper into the park on a delicious hare bone Kludstrm colorful bringing some color into this existence and painting pretty pictures the right kind on headlines in the camp tabloid Kludstrm elusive breaching UN security by releasing previously unknown existence of P-213 7 more years in a lifeless desert the next winter season planning your great escape Thank you for playing! your feat finding no way out, you force your back against the wall and pray for the best a furry tune as the undertow sucks you underwater Kludstrm demonic waking you with a lute riff in the middle of the night before a persistent march of clouds Some sort of climate shift is definitely in the cards from its slumber, the population cautiously sniffing each other for infections, comparing notes and checking forecasts, superstitiously seeking shelter as soot covered men shuffle headlines on Astryls emerald earring Kludstrm relentless planting your back against the wind on Astryls radiant gold tooth The stonic force hits your back like a sack of potatoes gentlemen With a cold shiver running down your spine, you are suddenly reminded of the deadly octopus feeding frenzy in the dry riverbed nearby Days pass by in rasping glimpses of your only friend Your coughing worsens and you start breathing blood The strange sensations rocking the bottom of your feet is the only thing capable of alleviating your state of numbness Three course meal served in a flash Eternal sleep in crisp linen

[geeksrs545]

20 Christmas Toys That Have Become Classics

You say the word Christmas to any kid, they think of one thing: Christmas toys.

For the past 30 years, there has been a major 'toy of the year' every year that every parent needs to get their kid to assure they keep up with the Joneses and meet the 'kid status quo'.  Though these toys differ greatly from generation to generation, they have one thing in common. Grown ass adults would literally be willing to actually fight over them in the store to get them for their kids. Adults acting like kids to get their kids gifts that make them act less like adults.

Related: The 25 Most Valuable Old Toys (You May Still Have!)

Kind of a funny cycle, really.

So when thinking back on my own childhood, there were many popular Christmas toys for kids that I got those years and now in hindsight, I wonder in terror if my parents had to assault any other adults to obtain them for me. Good thing I know better about them than that. All that said, here are a list of 20 Christmas toys from over the last thirty years that have become toy classics (some very much still selling to this day).

This list is numbered for your convenience but presented in no particular order.

20) Zhu Zhu Pets

Who who WHATS? I'm gonna do some quick research to find out what these things are.

*Comes back wholly unimpressed

They are just stuffed animals that move and do some basic crap is all. Run a maze and push a ball, WOOHOO!

But when you are writing a list about Christmas toys that got big, one would not necessarily call Zhu Zhu Pets “classic toys”, but in 2009 and 2010, if you were a little kid and did not get one of these, apparently you threw a tantrum.

Keep in mind, a literal HAMSTER cost less than these fake ones.

God, kids have gotten so lame.

19) Anything Branded by Apple

Apple has become the go-to brand to make yourself seem superior to others, so anything Apple has dropped (especially the iPod) was and is always the big gift to give that year.

Why do you think they make their OWN software obsolete so frequently? Because us sheep keep on buying it, so they keep doing it. But since the iPod (and iPhone and iPad and – one more thing…) dropped, Apple has essentially owned every Christmas simply by updating their software and making their older stuff obsolete.

Hey, if it ain't broke, break it and then sell it back slightly upgraded for triple the cost. Good for them. We would all do it and get rich that way if we could, don't even play.

18) Atari 2600 (and All Video Game Consoles Thereafter)

You cannot mention Christmas toys for kids without bringing up the impact that the Atari home console had on gaming. It really was the console that kicked off this world's love of home systems, as it was the most powerful home console we had seen up to that time.

It also set the tone for the console wars in the forthcoming years, which would see MANY Christmases being met with requests for the newest game consoles, still to this day! And now that they are coming out at around $500 a pop, the request becomes more and more unreasonable, unfortunately.

17) Barbie

I hope you did not expect this to be gender-specific. A fad is fad, despite what gender plays with it, and in this case, to not call Barbie a classic toy would be to undermine just how much this toy changed the game for young girls (and even some boys).

It would also be foolish to bring up a list of classic and retro toys and NOT mention Barbie. Hell, I feel the odd urge to mention her 'Dream House' and I don't even know why.

Moving on…

16) Gi-Joe

See, everyone gets represented so relax. Gi-Joe was to young boys what Barbie was to young girls. The best part is, Gi-Joe had a 50-year run (that is still going, much like Barbie, Hasbro know what they're doing).

Starting in the sixties as more of a shout out to the American soldier, over the years they took on a life of their own, and their popularity has made them a classic Christmas gift for all the young boys and girls in your life who like to pretend to blow things up.

Also see Transformers. I put them in the same category and love them ALMOST equally, but Michael Bay kinda ruined the Transformers for me (and probably you, too), so Gi-Joe lands the spot.

Deal with it.

15) Teddy Ruxpin

Teddy Ruxpin was one of the dopest Christmas toys I ever got. He was a Teddy Bear who was animatronic and you could put cassette tapes into his back and his mouth would move and he would sing you songs and joke with you and shit. It was cool and kinda creepy at the same time.

It was also creepy AF to put Black Sabbath tapes in his back and see him try to lip-sync along with darkly Satanic sounding music.

Good way to freak out your parents after the fact, too.

14) Easy-Bake Oven

Though more of a “conditioning method” than a toy (hey, give this to young girls to teach them to be subservient housewives, great message to send) but the truth is, my sister had one, and we would sit there for hours watching a single lightbulb try to make a single, tiny cupcake that was the size of a single bite.

In hindsight, it is hilarious, but at the time it was the bomb. But really, it is literally like a ten-watt lightbulb that cooks one cupcake over nine hours time, and the cupcake is bite-sized. So it taught girls how to cook AND become anorexic.

Good times!

13) The Pogo Stick

The 70's were a weird time. At one point, “pet rocks” were a thing. I think a lot of 70's toy fads are a direct result of all the drugs people were on in that decade. One example of classic toys that blew up over Christmas time in the 70's and 80's is the Pogo stick.

If you don't know, it is a giant stick you bounce up and down on. Yup, that's about it.

But it was so big at one point that you could leave your house Christmas morning, look down your street, and see twelve other kids (and adults) in their driveways trying to bounce like Tigger.

Like I said, the 70's and 80's were weird times, man.

12) Beanie Babies

Hey, remember that crappy moment in time when almost all the world was obsessed with collecting, tiny stuffed animals called Beanie Babies?

Yeah, unfortunately, so do I. Enough said about that.

Moving on…

11) Pogs

I will admit, I never really “got” pogs, but that doesn't mean in the 90's you could go anywhere without seeing them. Kids were obsessed with collecting them and dueling and shit.

I guess it could be said that things like Pokemon wouldn't be as popular today had pogs not set the tone for something similar years earlier.

To me, it just always looked like kids slamming things on a table, so I never saw the draw, but MILLIONS did, and that is why it makes the list (even though it is more like a stocking stuffer).

10) Bratz Dolls

Listen, I don't like it any more than any of you. I tend to think Bratz dolls kind of emphasize little girls being slutty, but that is just my opinion. Regardless of how I feel, this was another 90's-2000's toy that was just the IT toy for young girls for quite a few years.

And you know what, I don't slut shame. Screw it, you want to buy your son or daughter a tiny girl that looks like a stripper, that is all on you. More power to them, frankly.

I sold my kids into slavery so I don't have to worry about that crap anymore.

9) Anything Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Whenever you are bringing up Christmas toys for kids you know pop culture is gonna get brought into it, and when the TMNT got huge in the 90's, they had one of the most financially successful toy lines ever, because everyone wanted them.

And the kicker is, if you did get any of those 90's TMNT toys and still have them, they are worth a pretty penny now.

8) Tickle-Me-Elmo

Why kids wanted to tickle a heavy, robotic muppet was always kind of beyond me, but it was supposed to be, that was not my demographic. That fad kicked in when I was already an adult, so I can't relate to the desire for this thing, but sure enough, Elmo had a run of many Christmas' in the 90's and on, from Rock n' Roll Elmo to Tumbling Elmo to the “Stab and then run away��� Elmo as seen above.

Honestly, the only reason we are no longer inundated with Elmo toys is because of this terrible story.

Glad it all worked out in the end, no pun intended.

7) Razor Scooters

First it was BMX bikes and then skateboards. Now it seems everyone 12 and under wanted to be seen busting nasty spin-tricks on their scooters.

But I can't have any gripes with this one. It got kids back outside and doing physical shit which we see all too infrequently these days as more and more kids choose to hide away in virtual reality.

Those weird hoverboards from a few years back almost took this spot but they started catching fire so that fad died as quickly as the people using it did.

Boom goes the dynamite.

6) Furby

Ah, from the very depths of Hell comes this furry beast. Mocking your family non-stop in gibberish. Waking people up from dead sleeps for no reason. Screaming to be fed, but fed WHAT?

NEVER understood the allure of these sick little bastards, but that seems to be a running theme here.

5) Tamagotchi

Another one of those retro toys that EVERYONE had at one point and another example of a virtual life kids had to keep alive as a pastime. How is that FUN?

Honestly, I also never understood this fad. I don't want kids in the least and can barely keep MYSELF alive so why do I need a virtual pet that essentially exists only to annoy and worry me?

No idea, but a LOT kids loved these things.

P.S. The Tamagotchi is back – new 2017 versions available. Seriously.

4) Nintendo Wii

I know I already shouted out consoles on the list, but the Wii was something different. The year it came out, every person got one, from young to old. Nintendo went and redefined gaming, making it more accessible to all ages, families, and groups again. It was cool to witness and be a part of.

This was actually one of my fave toy fads from Christmas' past simply because it got EVERYONE hanging out and having fun again, and that hadn't happened since the old days of board games.

3) Anything Star Wars Related, the Older the Better

This one was a given. The main toy I was going to mention was the Darth Vader head for carrying all your Star Wars figures (oh, cuz Darth Vader was a “headcase”, hahaha, well played).

Though there have been many Star Wars toys that have been popular, that is the one that is worth the most money now, especially if you have it filled with all the figures.

You are talking BIG BUCKS if you still have one. Like “put a kid through med school”  money.

2) Anything Pokemon

Though kind of generic to say ANYTHING Pokemon, you guys and gals all know it's true. From the Gameboy games to the toys and the clothes, Pokemon is more than just a toy line for many. It is an obsession.

The weirdest part here is, these things have been big since I was a kid, and you RARELY see a toy stay that famous for that long without major changes. It is actually kind of impressive, TBH, and Pokemon Go proved this series still has a lot of life left (and a lot of Christmas dollars to still get you to spend).

 Finally, the one you were all waiting for…..

1) Cabbage Patch Dolls

One cannot mention Christmas toys that became classics and not mention the mother of all classic collectible and the toy that kind of started the crazy Christmas phase when parents would kill to buy their kids gifts.

My overall thought on that is, if you need to fight another adult to make your kid happy, you raised your kid wrong. Real talk.

But Hell, even I had a Cabbage Patch Kid. His name was Skipper Anthony, he was a Premie (why the fuck was I getting fake premature babies to play with?) and for no reason, I grew up to buy the adult outfit version of what he wore, so apparently, that little f*cker made some HUGE impression on me.

(Tan corduroy jacket, blue shirt, jeans, and soon enough, the bald head, too).

Now for those looking for a list of more CURRENT gifts, we've got you covered there, too. You're welcome.

The 25 MUST-HAVE Xmas Gifts of 2017