#that 'is mom okay or should i call you mary?' text is still devastating

[kerryweaverlesbian]

They really fumbled the season 14 emotional core specifically by not having Mary be present and recognisably Mary for MOST of the season. It feels like we see more of her after her death than before it, and when we do see her before it she's a completely different character who's their uncomplicatedly loving mom.

Take season 10 Charlie, who was present and dynamic and alive and forming new relationships with other major characters and was generally a big part of the plot for season 10. Take season 12 Mary even! So cool they fridged her thrice. The high level of emotion from Dean and Sam after her (apparent) s12 finale death was meaningful to the audience because Mary IS season 12. Take season 7 Bobby! He is active and present and having an emotional arc and has been consistently a part of the fabric of the show.

And compare these to season 14 where she is living in a cabin with an unimportant side character, she's being sweet and motherly full stop, she's in The Pearl where her husband comes back from the dead and she has NO complicated scenes or emotions to process with Dean or Sam and gets maybe 3 lines in the whole 'pisode. The show doesn't give a fuck about her. And this is after season 13 where she's mostly in another world doing fuck all.

For a death to have weight in fiction you need to remind the audience consistently that THIS CHARACTER IS IMPORTANT by having them form new relationships, do things for the plot and generally be present onscreen. As it stands, even though intellectually I know that if MY mom got killed and her murderer came to see me going 🥺 it was her fault really 🥺 will you comfort me 🥺 and I knew they were going to kill more people, I would probably be easily persuaded to put them in eternal prison or shoot them in the head - the emotional truth of it on the show just doesn't carry through.

It feels like an overreaction for Dean to be so angry about this for so long because the show didn't care about Mary enough to have her around. What is he losing by not having her around? In season 14, they don't show us. They did in s12 - the potential to be seen, and the complex joy of getting to know his actual mother rather than the idea of her. And by not showing us, it makes it not exist, because its a tv show and anything that isn't being depicted implicitly isn't important to the story. If you removed all of Mary's scenes from s14 before her death, what would change? Pretty much nothing.

Now to be clear, I don't think they should have fridged Mary at all. But they could have at least done it properly. The sexism that made the writers less bothered about characterising Mary thoughtfully in s14 is a blight on the show.

[bellafarella]

Please have mercy on me

This is a short one shot following 11x08 so if you didn't watch it yet then avoid this until you do since there are spoilers in it!

Summary: Mickey can’t believe his eyes. Terry’s dead.

Notes: Hey everyone!

Just thought I'd write a short one shot to fill in a missing scene between when Ian and Mickey find Terry's dead body and then Ian going to the hospital, and what happened when they both were home at the end of it all.

I hope you like this 💖

*********************************

Mickey can’t believe his eyes. Terry’s dead. His eyes instantly fill with tears as he looks at his father - a man who has abused him his entire life, a man who couldn’t put his own bigotry aside to love and accept him for who he is, a man who constantly tried to kill him for being who he is - with a plastic bag over his head, his eyes lifeless, his tongue sticking out slightly from his mouth. Mickey feels Ian’s hand touch his shoulder from behind him and the tears just fall from his eyes, sliding down his cheeks. He sniffles and Ian turns him around and wraps him into his arms. Mickey lets himself be embraced by the strong and comforting arms of his husband, letting the tears fall as he cries silently in the crook of Ian’s neck.

Ian’s hand moves up and down his back, soothing him as he holds him tight, whispering into his ear, “I’m here. I love you. We’ll get through this together,” over and over in the softest voice.

A ringing blares through the silence of the moment and Mickey tries to pull away. Ian doesn’t let him so Mickey says, “Ian, answer your phone.”

Ian lets Mickey go so that he can grab his phone from his pocket. “It’s Carl,” he says looking at the screen.

“Answer it,” Mickey nods, wiping away a tear from his eye as he turns back around to look at his lifeless father. He can barely register anything Ian’s saying on the phone to his brother after he answers the call with, “This isn’t a good time.” Mickey’s too caught up in his own mind as he continues to look at Terry. He’s wanted his father dead for - God, he can’t even remember how long. The first time he ever thought about his father dying was when he was only four and Terry beat the shit out of his mom. He wasn’t in the room but he could hear her wails and cries, her pleads for him to stop. He curled up in Mandy’s bed with her, holding her close as she cried in his arms. She was only two, and he was only four, and all he could think was please God, kill dad. From them on, everything just got worse. His mother died and Terry focused his abuse on him and Mandy instead. Mickey thought every day how he wished something would land on his head and kill him, or a deal would go bad and he’d get shot, or he’d get put away in prison for the rest of his life. Those thoughts intensified when Mickey realized he’s gay. He knew he could never let Terry find out or he would murder him. He lived years of his life afraid that his father would kill him. He pushed Ian away because of that fear. In the last few years, Terry has tried to make him miserable every step of the way and now that he finally got what was coming to him, Mickey has no idea what to feel. He feels relieved but he also feels devastated. He worked so hard to make sure Terry was being taken care of in his state even though he didn’t deserve it. Mickey vowed that he would be better than his father. He wanted to be a better man, a better husband, a better father one day. Hearing Terry tell him just hours ago that if Mickey wasn’t gay - that he wasn’t who he is - he would have been a decent son. Those words tore Mickey’s heart in half because all he’s ever wanted was to be loved and accepted, and he knew he would never get that, even if he wasn’t gay. Terry was a hateful, spiteful, evil man, and Mickey knows deep down that that would never have changed.

“Mick?” he hears Ian say before he touches his shoulder. Mickey turns around to look at his husband's face, his soft green eyes looking at him with so much love and compassion. “There was an incident at Liam’s school with Frank. Carl brought him to the hospital, everyone’s headed there now.”

“You should go,” Mickey says instantly.

“No, I’m going to stay with you-”

Mickey shakes his head, “No, you should go, be with your family.”

“You’re my family,” Ian tells him, his hand coming up to caress Mickey’s cheek, wiping away some more tears with his thumb.

Mickey smiles at him softly. “I know, but your siblings need you.”

“But-”

“I need to handle this,” he says, nodding his head back towards his fathers dead body behind them. “I’ll be okay, Gallagher. I’ll see you at home later.”

“Are you sure?” Ian asks, his eyes searching Mickey’s.

Mickey shrugs his shoulder, “Not really but we both have responsibilities to our fuckhead fathers so I’ll be fine.”

Ian nods, letting out a deep breath. He leans forward and kisses Mickey’s forehead softly before pressing his forehead against his, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Mickey whispers back.

Ian pulls back to look at him, his hand still holding his face. “I’ll see you at home. Call me if you need anything. I’ll be quick, promise.”

“Okay.” And with that Ian rushes out the door to head to the hospital. Mickey takes a deep breath before turning back around to see Terry.

Sister Mary-Luke comes back into the house and she explains what happened. Terry was rude, vile, and just plain evil. He also begged her to be taken out of this life. “He was an evil man and did not deserve the patience and love you were giving him,” she tells him. “He begged for mercy and - well, this isn’t a life worth living, my child. It had to be done.”

Mickey nods, his eyes filling with tears again. He doesn’t blame her. Terry has been begging to die since his shooting. Mickey just never expected it to happen like this and definitely not today.

*

Mickey’s glad Ian took the ambulance so it makes it easier for him to call 911. Mickey removes the bag from Terry’s head and closes his eyes and mouth, propping him back up. The EMTs come and Mickey explains how he just arrived back to check in on his father and found him like this. He sent the nun home before they arrived, and he said that he thought his cousins were here watching him. They declared him dead and Mickey bit his tongue from saying no shit. They explained that they would bring his body to the mortuary and that Mickey can go by tomorrow to deal with his body and any plans he has for his funeral.

Mickey thanks them when they leave with his father’s dead body before walking back home. For the first time in a very long time, the house is empty. There’s no life, no sound, nothing that makes this house a home. Mickey trudges up the stairs and makes his way into his room. He strips down before going to take a hot shower. Thankfully there is still hot water and he uses it up as he lets himself cry and cry, letting the water wash away his tears.

He crawls into bed in his boxers and a black tank top, with his phone. He texts his idiot cousin who abandoned him today to tell him Terry’s dead. He also tries calling Mandy. She doesn’t pick up so he leaves her a quick voicemail, “Hey, it’s - uh, it’s Mick. Listen, Terry’s dead. Call me when you can.” He tosses his phone on the bedside table before pulling the covers over his head and praying he can fall asleep and forget this day happened.

*

Mickey wakes up to the feeling of someone curling up behind him. The covers are no longer consuming him so he turns around to see Ian in bed beside him, he’s in his boxers and a t-shirt too, his eyes so soft as he looks at him. “Hey,” he says, his voice horse.

“Hi,” Ian whispers back. “You okay?”

Mickey shrugs. “They took his body to the mortuary. I can go there to deal with it tomorrow.”

“We will go there to deal with it. I’m sorry, I didn’t stay with you,” Ian tells him.

Mickey reaches for his face, pulling him closer. “Don’t be,” he says before kissing Ian softly on the lips. Ian kisses him, his hand pulling him in by the waist. That’s as far as it goes before they just rest their foreheads together. “How’s Frank?”

“He has dementia from being a drunk,” Ian tells him with a sigh.

“Shit.”

“Yeah…”

After a few silent moments, Mickey asks, “Is Liam okay we missed his thing?”

Ian smiles softly which makes Mickey feel a bit better. “He understands. He won the iPad.”

“No shit,” Mickey chuckles. “Good for him.” Ian nods, his smile faltering slightly. “Hey,” Mickey says softly, his hand hooking under Ian’s chin so he looks at him, he has his own tears in his eyes. “Today has been a shitty fucking day,” he says. Ian snorts out a wet laugh before Mickey continues, “But we’ll get through it, together.”

“I should be telling you this,” Ian says, sadly.

“You did, now it’s my turn,” Mickey says softly, caressing his cheek. Even though Frank isn’t Ian’s biological father, he’s been the only father he’s ever had. Frank was a neglectful, alcoholic, junkie, asshole of a father but now that he’s slowly losing his mind, it’s going to be a lot for the Gallaghers to handle, especially his husband, and Mickey is going to be there for him just like he knows Ian will be there for him as he goes through all his feelings and all the planning of his father’s passing.

“I love you,” Ian says softly.

“I love you,” Mickey says back before curling up against Ian’s chest, feeling his arms wrapped around him again. The two of them both silently cry in each other’s arms, letting all the misery they’ve felt for years growing up with abusive fathers and all the sadness they feel over what has and is happening to them, just wash away as they comfort each other, knowing that even through all this pain, there will be light and happiness again, because they have each other, always.

[kamandzak]

Among the Great Unknown | Excerpt

I’m writing a sequel to my last book and this part of the first chapter devastated me to both write and reread.

Context: Andrew Garland has died after a lengthy battle with HIV. His sisters, parents, husband, and daughter are all present and handling the immediate aftermath as best as they can.

Recommended listening: Miracles by Two Steps from Hell

Henry was sitting in the living room, the space illuminated softly by a well-placed candle. Off in the distance, through layers of grief and cotton, stifled cries came from the bedroom just around the corner. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face the music and so I sat wordlessly down on the couch and in a last-ditch effort to occupy my hands, I took his, staring at his fingers as if doing so would bring Andrew back. His cuticles bloody and nails bitten down past the bed, they reflected what I could only imagine ravaged his internal organs as he watched his husband grow sicker and sicker.

           “I wish I had just done it,” he whispered, hands beginning to shake beneath mine.

           “Done what?”

           “He was so adamant about not. He was adamant about me staying around. Staying healthy. He was so bent on adoption after his time with Greg.” Henry’s open conversation about Andrew’s boyfriend from years back both surprised me and didn’t. “And when it finally went through, there was no convincing him it wasn’t a good idea.”

           “What?”

           “There’s this hole, now,” Henry stole a hand back and clapped against his chest, breathing becoming more labored by the word, “and I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have thrown him onto the bed one night and just done it,” he gasped. “I know we have a beautiful daughter who needs her father to be around, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without him. Why didn’t I just do it? Why do I have to live wondering what it would have been like to love him?”

I pulled Henry to my chest and he slammed against my ribcage, his body convulsing so strongly I felt my own body shifting in it’s seat.

           “He was loved,” I managed.

           “But not in the way he deserved. I-.”

           “I’ve never met a man so capable of love, and I think you know that. I think you know that his way of showing he loved you was to keep you safe so that Rose has a father. Just because you didn’t fight back on that request doesn’t mean you didn’t love him.”

Henry dissolved and I sat uselessly, unsure if I was of better use in the living room, with my wife, or back at home with my children. Andrew had talked about how death makes you feel like you don’t belong anywhere. He was right.

           “Duncan, I don’t know what to do.”

           “I… I don’t either.” I looked around the room in a desperate search for something to talk about that wasn’t going to reduce Henry down to an even smaller entity. “Rose. Where’s Rose?”

           “She didn’t want to be around all of this. She doesn’t know what to do.”

           “Is she in her room?”  

           “I think? Fuck, Duncan I have no clue. I don’t know anything anymore.”

           “Can I go look for her?”

           “Please.”

I rose, leaving Henry slumped against the worn cushions of a sofa that had once belonged to Tessa before she and Andrew moved into their own places, her with Reese, Andrew with Henry. Years of memories lived in that couch that now barely kept Andrew’s surviving husband upright.

           Rose’s door on the second floor was closed. Four years after coming to the large and loud Garland family, her relationships with her aunts and uncles were strong but not the same could be said for her cousins. Trevor and Grace and even Nick understood that their mother and I wanted them to step up; Rose was a Garland, whether by birth or not. Trevor made a point to talk to her at family functions though it was far different from his conversations with Robert, Dalia, Colton, or Marie. Outside of her room, my heart ached for her stricken sixteen-year-old self.

           I knocked tentatively.

           “Please leave,” a quiet voice said from the other side of the door. “I don’t care who you are, I don’t want to talk to you.”

For being in the system as long as she had been, Rose was one of the kindest and most mature teenagers I had met. Life had given her plenty of reasons to go through life jaded and unhappy, but it wasn’t until I stood in the carpeted hallway that I got a hint of anger.

           “It’s not your dad. It’s Uncle Duncan,” I said. “But if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s okay.”

A moment of quiet; a moment that allowed the still audible cries from downstairs to occupy the space. I turned to leave when the door opened a hair.

           “You can come in.”

           Rose was dry-eyed and empty, her expression akin to being hit by a train. Seeing her knocked the air out of me as her face crumpled and she screwed her eyes shut, blinding grasping for me. I grabbed her and pulled her close. Her sobs were silent and excruciating.

           “I’m sorry, Rose,” I whispered, hand landing on the back of her head as she shook against my shoulder as her father had minutes before. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

           “You don’t have to say anything else. Is… is Music Dad okay?” she asked, differentiating between her fathers by what they loved the most.

           “He’s sad. He knows you don’t want to see him right now.”

           “I don’t want to see the Aunties either.”

           “That’s okay.”

           “Why?”

           “Why what? Why is it okay?”

           “Why does stuff like this happen? I know you don’t know,” she answered herself as I stood, struck by the vastness of her question. “No one does.”

           “You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”

           “About what? Death? I didn’t like it at first,” she admitted. “But Movie Dad kept getting worse, didn’t he?” My throat tightened at her observation. “I don’t think it’d be normal if I didn’t think about it.” Roses revelation mirrored that of my eldest weeks earlier and I found myself longing for their strengthened relationship in the wake of losing Andrew. “Didn’t you?”

           “Didn’t you think about Movie Dad dying? Never mind don’t answer that. I already know the answer.”

           “Rose, can I ask you a question?”

           “Sure?” Worry rose in my throat as the words about to exit into the atmosphere processed through my brain,

           “Before you came to our family, what did you see?”

           “See?”

           “Did you see death, Rose?”

She stared at me like I’d grown a unicorn horn,

           “No. Why would you think I did?”

           “You just… speak with honesty and experience.”

           “Movie Dad told me he was sick on my fifteenth birthday – after I got my learners. He told me not to spend a lot of time thinking about it, but I did anyway. He started changing; doing less, being at home sleeping when I got home from school, eating later than Music Dad if he ate at all. My dads always said we couldn’t plan for the worst because that was no way to live.”

           “You’re very observant.”

           “I didn’t know my dads for the first twelve years of my life. I have a lot of catching up to do… had a lot of catching up to do,” she clarified, face falling and rose beginning to crinkle as I practically watched the panic rise in her chest.

           “Do you want me to get Movie Dad?” I asked and she nodded, tight lipped and teary. I tore out of her room without another word.

           Downstairs, my beautiful wife seemed a decade older than she had been when she bid me adieu as she sat on the couch with another sister-in-law, Beth, and Henry. He rose at the sight of me.

           “You’d better go up there,” I began. “She’s ready for you.”

           “She’s starting to feel, isn’t she?” I nodded. “Simon’s on his way,” he said to a red-faced Beth. “Maybe Duncan can sit with you too.”

I nodded, sitting in Henry’s vacant spot as he ripped up the stairs. Sara took my hand in hers, the other easing Beth’s face into her shoulder.

           “I love you,” she said to me as I slid closer.

           “Where are the others?” Sara nodded in the direction of the spare bedroom Andrew had been moved to the week before. “And the husbands?”

           “Frank and Simon are driving in now. Reese has been for a couple days with Tessa. Anita’s in there too.”

           “And your mom and dad? They’re,” Sara’s eyes flickered to the right, “in the room too. Got it.”

           “How are the kids?”

           “They know. They want to talk to you in the morning.”

           “And school? What are we going to do?”

Sara knew me well after thirty-plus years. Distract me with logistics. Set small, attainable tasks so I don’t flounder. Keep me focused.

           Andrew’s death was different, though.

           “Do you want them to see him?”

           “No,” Sara said with a shake of her head. “I don’t. Hospice is coming to call time of death,” she managed and I nearly retched. “Then the home is coming to pick him up”

           “Have you called Lewis?”

My wife looked at me, startled,

           “I…. I didn’t even think about him.”

           “I’ve got this,” I reassured as the front door opened and Simon and Frank rushed in.

           “Beth,” Simon said as he ran forward, I rose quickly, as did Sara, and the two of us embraced and Simon fell onto the couch and threw himself against his wife.

           “Where’s Clara?” Frank asked as the door to Andrew opened and his wife emerged along with Tessa and Reese. He reached out, pulling her close.

           In the dark silence we stood, the Garland Husband’s with our downtrodden wives.

             “Hello?”

           “Lewis Johnson?”

           “This is he?”

           “I’m sorry to call you in the middle of the night, but my name is Duncan Nelson. I’m Andrew Garland’s brother-in-law,” I paused, hoping my introduction would be enough and I wouldn’t be forced to speak the truth. “I-.”

           “When did he go?”

           “A couple of hours ago,” I breathed out with relief.

           “He’s still out in Nevada?”

           “We all are.”

           “Text me the address. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Click.

           How many others were there to tell? Who else could I call and break the news to so the others didn’t, while I was in the mindset to do so? I ran the extensive list of family members and friends that surrounded my extended family.

           “Who was that?” I looked up to find Henry and Rose entering the kitchen.

           “Lewis.”          

           “Right, crap,” Henry self-censored himself in front of his daughter. “I’d forgotten about him.”

           “Who else can I call and tell? Anyone on your end? Family? Friends?”

           “I need to call them. Not you.”

           “I can help you, though, if you want.”          

           “You should call grandpa,” Rose took her father’s hand. “I think I’ll go find the Aunties.” She left without another word, heading for Andrew’s room.

           “Thank you for talking to her,” Henry managed. “Sometimes she just needs someone to talk to her a certain way. I think you’re her favorite.”

           “Let’s call your dad,” I answered.

           “He’s going to know as soon as he sees my number.”

           “That’s okay. I know Andrew died,” he shuddered, “but you’re still here. Let’s get your dad in the loop.”

Slowly, as if controlled by the worlds slowest puppet master, Henry took his phone and found his fathers number. I reached over, placing it on speakerphone as it began to ring.

           “Henry.” I had only met Scott Steven’s once before, at the wedding, but the speed with which the call was answered told me he knew the purpose behind the 3 AM contact. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” The line went quiet.

           “I wasn’t supposed to make it past thirty,” Henry whispered. “I’d do anything to go back and not just to not feel the way I do.”

Reaching over, I took the phone from the table and searched for two additional contacts. Records showed messages sent to them mere hours before Andrew’s death.

           “Hello?”

           “Hello, is this Wade?”

           “It is.”

           “My name is Duncan Nelson. I am Andrew Garland’s brother-in-law.”

           “I remember you from the wedding. Do Emmett and I need to come?”

           “Yes.”

           “We’ll tell Tony and Mariellen, and we’ll all get there as soon as we can.”

           “Thank you.”

           “Henry? Are you there?” Henry eked out a choked cough. “Hang in there, we’re on our way.”

             There was a knock on the front door as I read and re-read the email to be sent to my children’s teachers. MaryBeth and Thomas had left the room at some point earlier though no one seemed to have a sense of time. The girls were back in the room, just the five siblings. No husbands, no parents, no additional support.

           MaryBeth opened the door and stepped back.

           “Ma’am,” a tall man in a well-pressed suit began and I quickly put my phone down and approached the front door as MaryBeth’s hand covered her open mouth. “Ma’am, we’re here to help you.” Behind him stood a tall, well-built woman in a black pencil skirt, white dress shirt, and a similar blazer to the man. “We’ll be in with our materials in just a few minutes. Please take your time.”

MaryBeth looked at me with horribly fearful eyes and I turned and rushed to the bedroom I had yet to brave. The door was open just a crack.

           He looked like he was sleeping, Andrew, and not all that different from the last time I had seen him, when we’d all piled into the living room with the older children to watch a movie. Like he had been for most of his life, each sister seemed to cling to him as if holding him could bring him back to life. His head rested against his husband’s thigh as Henry sat cross-legged at the head of the bed, weaving his fingers through Andrews’s hair while his other hand sat on his heart. I could barely stand to look at any of them.

           “They’re here,” I croaked. “To take him.”

Henry began to cry, Clara rising from her position on the floor near Andrew’s knees to console him. Sara nodded before she rose and stretched. Beth turned on her heel and left immediately, the sound of her bare feet pounding the stairs echoing through the first floor.

           Tessa broke, her body shaking against the bed as she knelt beside the bed, arms outstretched over Andrew’s shins. Her hands grabbed at nothing, her cries mimicking those of a dying animal needing to be put out of its misery. Thomas came into the room and put an arm around his youngest daughter but she pushed him away.

           There was nothing any of us could do and I went to the doorway, prepared to beckon to Reese. He was already at the opening.

           “Tess,” he said quietly. “Tess-.”

           “They can’t take him away from me!” she cried. “Why couldn’t we do anything? Why couldn’t I fix him? I was supposed to keep him safe and I couldn’t! I promised,” she gasped. “I promised to keep him safe and I didn’t.”

Tears sprung to my own eyes for the first time that night at the sight of my sister-in-law agonizing over fate. Standing in the doorway were the two well-dressed individuals and without another word, the room emptied, Reese carrying his wife out to the living room and Clara’s long arm wrapped around Henry’s middle.

           “I can’t watch,” Sara whispered to me.

[loki-in-hogwarts]

More than words... Music.

Tom Holland x reader Warnings : Just swearing, as always. Oh also mention of making out. Words : 3.3K A/N : This is a little something that I thought about and I’m not that proud about. Maybe will do a part 2 ? Not sure though... As always too thanks to @double-leo for helping me finding the musics and so many suggestions huuugh thaaaanks 

You had just finished school a week ago and you were already looking for a job. You wanted something not too boring and with a scheadule that would allow you to relax. When your friend Mary told you about a music store in center New York that was looking for help you jumped on the occasion. The day after you immediately went to the store. It was very old-fashioned and you adored that. There were CD's everywhere and some very old music instruments. You fell in love with the place. "Can I help you ?", a sarcastic voice coming from behind you asked. You turned and faced one of the most gorgeous girl you've ever met. She had long red hair that she kept into a braid, hazel eyes that shined like a diamond and a devastating smile. "Yes, actually ! Who is the owner of this shop ?", you replied with a smile. "Oh ! Harry isn't here for now. Let me guess, you heard that we needed help ?" "Yes, a friend of mine told me. Do you still need me ?" "Hell yes ! If had known a cute girl was going to run into me I would have dressed up better !" She winked. "Anyway, compile this and consider yourself an employee !" "That's amazing ! I love this place." "Here is your schedule and if I read well...", she said, a finger going through your time table, "see you tomorrow at nine !" "Have a nice day !", you answered, excited to start.

The next day, you were up early and decided to wear your vintage clothes. You took a mom Jean with a cropped T-shirt, curled your hair and weared a bandana, all this accompanied of your grey Doctor Martens. You arrived at the store and the ginger girl welcomed you with a smile. "Hey y/n ! I remembered that I didn't tell you my name. I'm Reyla, but you can call me Rey." You spoke for a little while, Reyla casually flirting with you and laughing at her jokes. But deep down you knew that there wasn't anything serious and it was just two girls having fun. Suddenly, you asked : "Is there some sort of gramophone around here ?" "Yes, very is. Just...here !" She took out the engine and you wanted to cry. "Oh my god, this is awesome !" You rushed in the store to find a vinyl. You found Sexy back from Justin Timberlake and put the disk on the device. The music started and you began to dance, Reyla filming you and laughing. The door opened but you were too absorbed by the dance to notice it. You stumbled on the carpet and fell on someone. "And cut !", Rey yelled, laughing. You faced the young guys that was holding you. He had brown curls and hazel doe eyes. "S-sorry", you stuttered at the same time. You giggled. "I just got carried away, haha !" He passed his hand in his hair and displayed the cutest smile. "Can I...help you ?" "Hey Pete, what are you looking for ?", Reyla asked with a smile. "I just wanted to see what you had new." "Not much, it's all here.", she indicated. The so-called Peter went away and Reyla elbowed you. "I knew you would like him ?" "Who is he ?", you asked, ignoring her mocking smile. "I don't know much, you should talk to him." "No thanks ! He probably thinks I'm a weirdo." But she wasn't receiving the bullshit "Hey Pete, wouldn't you like some advise ?", she yelled. "I would actually need some, you always have the best tastes !", he answered with a smile that made you shiver. "Great, my friend here y/n can give you some, I unfortunately have some things to do...", she said, leaving behind the cash. You both blushed. "So...you like 90's rock music ?", you noticed as he was going through that part of the store. You came close to him. "All 90's music actually, big fan !" "Me too !", you giggled. "I suppose you already have all the Ramones CD's ?" "Of course !", he laughed. "Then do you have all the Blink-182 ?" "I must admit I haven't." "Well, this one is all their best track and it's amazing." Peter accepted the CD. Suddenly, a music from the gramophone sounded. It was More than Words, from Extreme. You turned to see that Reyla was standing there, leaning on the cash, staring at both of you with loving eyes. You turned back to Peter, that was now blushing. "Or you could buy this single vinyl. There is only More Than Words on this one. Do you have a gramophone ?" "Yes, my aunt May has all this massive collection of vinyls." You talked, discovering each other, the time of this song, and of I Miss You from Blink-182, and of Iris of the Goo Goo Dolls, and of Friday, I'm in Love of The Cure. All of a sudden, Peter looked at his watch and flinched. "Oh dear god, Aunt May is waiting for me, I forgot ! Sorry, I have to go, she will be furious ! Thanks for everything." And without another word he ran away. "Go on Cinderella, you're gonna turn into a pumpkin.", you giggled and saw him leave. As you walked to the cash, you noticed Reyla's knowing smile and exclaimed : "Oh shush, would you ?" And you both laughed.

The days were going by, and Peter was always passing by the shop to greet you quickly, even though he didn't stay much. You managed to discover that he was in your high school. That wasn't surprising at all, since it was one of the biggest, it was normal that you had never met.

It was Friday, and you were in love. The boy had something so pure, that it was impossible not liking him. Much to your dismay, Reyla kept putting love songs from 90's every time Peter crossed the door. And today wasn't an exception. Since it was Friday, Reyla put the Cure vinyl on. But Peter seemed all anxious when he came in this day. "Hi Peter, how are you ?", you asked with a radiant smile. The curly boy stared at you and melted. How could you be so precious and beautiful ? "I am fine, thanks. What about you ?", he questioned even if you clearly saw that he wanted to speak about something. "Come on tell me what's going on. You clearly want to talk about a thing.", you specified as he looked puzzled. "I-I was asking myself if you would maybe want -and if not, that's okay, don't worry I totally get it- if you would appreciate, perhaps...to..." "To what, Peter ?" "To go on a date with me ?", he said more as a question than as an affirmation. "I never thought you would do it ! Bold move !", Reyla's voice came from behind the store. You rolled your eyes. Then focused back on Peter. "I would not only appreciate that, but totally love it !", you answered, giggling. "R-right, great, awesome. Oh my god, did you just say yes ? I'm a dumbass sorry.", he stutteterd. You giggled again. It was stronger than you, you couldn't help but giggles at everything he said, he was so cute and pure. "Come pick me up tomorrow at 6pm after my job ?", you asked. "I will !", he exclaimed. You kissed his cheek and as Friday, I'm in Love sounded, you sang : "It's Friday, I'm in love." He blushed and started to walk away, incapable of look away from you. "See you tomorrow then !", he greeted you and you waved.

The next day, you weared your most 90's clothes : a regular mini skirt with tights and your Doctor Martens, a molding T-shirt with a jacket that you weared with an arm half out. When Peter arrived, you rushed to him and hugged him. "I'm so excited !", you confessed. He smiled and and replied : "Me too, you can't imagine !" You left the store as Reyla was putting on First Date from The Cure. As you were outside, he took out his phone and gave you one earphone. You accepted it and as you put it in your ear, you heard he was listening to First Date. You giggled. "Oh I'm sorry, that's lame !", he exclaimed as he was looking for a different song to listen to. "No, no, no, leave it, I kinda like it !" You listened to 90's music all along the evening. When you were eating the hot dog in Central Park, there was a playlist of the Backstreet Boys and you danced on I Want It That Way. When you were walking in the streets, there was a Whitney Houston playlist, and you danced with Peter on I Wanna Dance With Somebody. The air was cool, and you were having so much fun. When time came to go home, Peter walked you to your house. You gave him a peck on the cheek and whispered in his ear : "One thing at a time Peter Parker, with have all the time in the world.", and you walked away. But he took your wrist and made you turn around. He kissed your forehead and murmured : "Much better." You flushed and entered your house. He sighed of happiness and began to dance in your quiet neighborhood, thinking no one would see him, but you were staring at him through the window, and giggled.

You texted a lot, and saw each other when you could. He had found a job in a bar and your schedules made it hard for you to meet. A week went by without seeing each other, except once when he came to quickly greet you. You were enchanted to see him, and likewise. When he offered you a walkman he had found in a flea market, you jumped in his arms and hugged him hard. "You're the best !" He blushed. "That's nothing, really. I don't even think it works..." You nodded no with your head as frowned your eyebrows, annoyed that he would always tear himself down. "Would you like to go out this weekend ? Tell me you don't have anything planned !", you asked hopeful. "Well... I'm not sure I can find a time for you...I'm so overbooked...", he said, fakely thinking about his free time. You slapped the back of his head. "Yes, I think I'm available tomorrow at 6.30 pm." "You've got a deal, Mr President.", you answered sarcastically. He laughed and told you to take a swim suit for tomorrow.

At 6.30 pm, he was waiting for you outside of the store. "Hey handsome !", you smiled. "Are you ready to go ?", he asked, taking off his sunglasses in the most sexy way. "You bet I am !", you exclaimed, pinching your lips. He took your hand and carried you to the bus station. You talked about your day and how the week was going. In the bus, you were constantly asking him where he was bringing you and he always answered that it was a surprise. When the bus finally stopped, you went out and discovered an amazing beach. It wasn't that much crowded for a month of July. "Yes ! It's since June that I wanted to have a bath and I never had the time.", you exclaimed. You took out your clothes and ran to the sand. Peter stood there, stunned by how beautiful you were. "Peter ?" you turned to ask. "W-when did you change into your swim suit ?" "Before leaving work. Are you coming or what ?" He followed you in the sand, while you were throwing some on him. "Hey ! My clothes are gonna be filled with it !" You laughed and ran away. "Come back here, I have to show you something !", he exclaimed, as you were starring to enter in the water and he was watching you from the shore. "I don't trust you...", you mumbled but still walked to him. "The water's colder then what I was expecting !" He took your hand and said : "Come with me, there are people waiting for us." "Really ?", you declared, happily surprised. He took out his phone and called someone. "Where are you, guys ?" He got an answer and hang up. "Who are they ?" "You'll see.", he stated before taking your waist to keep you closer. You were starring into his big brown eyes, lost into them, when he drew back and threw a massive amount of water on you. "Never trust me !", he laughed with a mischievous smile. "Son of..." He was already running, carrying both of your bags, but damn was he fast. "Come here !", you screamed. He suddenly stopped and you hugged him to get him wet the most. "Hey guys !", a familiar voice greeted. "What...?" There were five people around what seemed to be the preparation of a fire : Reyla, your friends Mary and Charlie, and two other people you didn't know but guessed were Needed and MJ. You looked at Peter, who was displaying a big smile. "This is so cool !", you uttered excited. You ran to Charlie, your long time best friend. "It's nearly a month we haven't seen each other ! How are you bro ?" "Very fine and happy to see you and meet the famous Peter !" You blushed and turned to Peter, you then greeted everyone and introduced yourself to MJ and Ned. MJ was a bit closed but seemed cool nevertheless and Ned was doing silly jokes and was very sweet. You smiled at Peter, happy of the surprise. "Thanks.", you whispered to his ear during the evening. You all went to swim a bit or casually lay on the sand. You discovered that Rey had a little apartment just near the beach and you were all invited to spend the night there. At some point, after having a barbecue and an ice cream, they all decided to go home, leaving you and Peter alone. You sat close to him and you curled up in his arms. You put More Than Words and grinned. "Thanks for tonight, it was so good to see all my friends again and meeting yours. Charlie told me that you organized everything..." "That was nothing, really, my pleasure." You smiled but a little bit sad. "What is it ?", he asked, noticing. "Why do you always depriciate yourself ? Fuck Peter, you're the best person I've ever met, I couldn't find a single flaw about you, and even if you are not perfect, your imperfections become perfect. You are so sweet, and caring, and just awesome. I wish you could see you the way I see you." Peter was stunned, staring at you, the mouth half-opened. He wanted to kiss you so badly. "I love you y/n.", he simply said. And crushed his lips on yours. First you were kissing so hard that you couldn't breath, then it calmed down, pressing little pecks on his mouth. He kissed your neck, your shoulder. You sat on his lap, facing him, your bodies melting. He looked in your eyes and kissed your nose. "I love you too, Peter, so fucking much." As he was starting to kiss you again, you backspaced and declared : "You never paid for what you did earlier..." He rolled his eyes. "Really y/n ? Right in this damn moment ?" "Hum hum", you nodded, giggling. He got up to take your wrist but you backed again. You ran to the water and laughed. "Come and get me, coward !" He plunged full of grace and catched you, tickling you. You were screaming to let you go but he locked you in his arms, holding you by the waist. "Now kiss me.", he laughed. You nodded no. He started to caress your skin, your arms, your hair. "And now ?", he asked again. "Much better.", you chuckled kissing him.

Summer went by and you tried to see each other as soon as you could, but with your different time schedule, it wasn't easy. You both stopped your jobs a week before starting school. You decided to spend the most of time together. The last week before school was always a hard time for you. You hated Autumn because you associated it with school. The start of a new year of hard work and medium results. Already being a melancholic person, these kind of situation -the end of something beautiful- were the worst for you. You could stay days in a semi-depression state, laying on your bed, without doing nothing. On Monday, Peter showed up in front of your door. When he saw you were still wearing your pajamas at 2 pm, he looked concerned. You explained to him your lastdaysofSummerphobia and he started to prepare some clothes and things you would need to leave. "What are you doing ?", you asked, puzzled as you collapsed on your bed. "You clearly need to come out of your room. I'm taking my girl somewhere and then you'll sleep at mine since Aunt May is staying away for the night." You smiled. He was staring as if you were the most precious thing on earth, his eyes shinning as he smiled. As you were looking at him for too long he asked : "What-what is it ?", a light flush on his cheeks. "I just-", you paused, overwhelmed by your emotions. You started again :"I'm so lucky to have you." He blushed even more but didn't took his sight away from you. You giggled and pulled his arm for him to join you on the bed. You curled in his arms as he protested : "y/n ! We are supposed to leave and go for a walk ! Get up and get dressed, you're leaving this room." "Says who ?", you asked, teasing him. He sighed. "Oh come on, Pete, can't we just cuddle in bed for today ? I promised we'll walk 500 miles tomorrow  but for now...stay with me." You stared at him with a profound look. He was stunned at how beautiful you were, even wearing a pajamas at 2 of the afternoon. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer, tightening his grap. "I can't resist you...", he mumbled, his mouth buried in your neck. You chuckled. Your music was still on and More than Words was playing.

That night, you knew it was the night. You were all alone in Peter apartment and...you wanted it to be. When you left your house for Peter's, you clearly just exchanged a bed for a bed. You had been chilling in your bedroom all day long, and you did the same once at Peter's. He ordered some Thai food and when the delivery arrived, you sat on the couch to eat it, while watching a movie. "We should be watching Star Wars III", you said. "What ? No, y/n ! Don't tell me you prefer the prequel !" "Of course I prefer the prequel ! My favorite characters are Anakin and Padme so..." "Are you kidding me ? What about Han Solo and Leia ? They were the real power couple !" "Whatever Pete, you don't get a damn about Star Wars...", you grinned, knowing the impact of that phrase. "Excuse you ?!" You laughed at his reaction, shushing him with a gesture to focus on the movie while he was muttering something. After the movie was done, you cleaned everything and went in Peter's bedroom. As soon as you were in, you started to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around your waist, understanding where this was leading. He broke the kiss and asked with the cutest, most concerned voice : "Are you sure...you want it ?" You nodded, and kissed him again. He was starting to undress himself, taking off his T-shirt, revealing his abs. You pinched your lips. You took off your shirt too, only stopping to kiss him for a second. He stared at you, amazed. He took out his phone to put some music and at the sound of the song playing, you chuckled. When two become one, from the Spice Girls. Could it be more kitch ? Peter flushed. "Sorry, I just put my 90's playlist and...let me just...", he said in a hurry as you heard the song swap, replaced by a familiar one.

All you have to do Is close your eyes And just reach out your hands

Your song was playing in the background while you were filling each other with love, kissing him everywhere.

And touch me Hold me close Don't ever let me go

His hands were caressing your skin and you let out a pleased sigh.

More than words Is all I ever Needed you to show Then you wouldn't Have to say That you love me Cause I'd already know

And the rest, as they say, was history.

[mittensmorgul]

Aaaaahahahaha >.>

I’m watching 1.21, Salvation. And okay wow. Toward the end of the episode, we’re shown how mindlessly desperate (and ruthless) Sam can become in the face of getting revenge, and how DIFFERENT this is from what motivates Dean:

Devastated, SAM and DEAN turn back to the burning house. The demon is silhouetted in the burning nursery, standing completely still. SAM: (Starting back inside) It's still in there! DEAN: (Grabbing SAM) Sam. Sam, no. SAM: (Struggling) Dean let me go, it's still in there. DEAN: No. It's burning to the ground, it's suicide. SAM: (Yelling) I don't care. DEAN: I do!

Sam is in this for revenge. Dean’s still primarily out to save people. They’ve saved the people, and up in the nursery, Sam literally missed his shot. And then we learn just how wrapped up in his own anger he was, just how compromised this left him, he completely lost sight of the bigger picture:

SAM: If you had just let me go in there, I coulda ended all this. DEAN: Sam, the only thing you would have ended was your life. SAM: You don't know that. DEAN: (walking toward the bed) So what, you're just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it? SAM: (Standing up) Yeah. Yeah you're damn right I am. DEAN: Well that's not going to happen, not as long as I'm around. SAM: What the hell are you talking about Dean, we've been searching for this demon our whole lives. It's the only thing we've ever cared about. DEAN: Sam I wanna waste it. I do. Okay? But it's not worth dying over. SAM: What? DEAN: I mean it. If hunting this demon means getting yourself killed then I hope we never find the damn thing. SAM: That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom. DEAN: You said yourself once, that no matter what we do, they're gone, and they're never coming back. SAM totally loses it, grabs DEAN and shoves him hard against the wall. SAM: (Angry and upset) Don't you say that, not you! Not after all this don't you say that. DEAN: (Quietly) Sam look. The three of us...that's all we have...and it's all I have. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together man...and without you or Dad.... SAM: (Upset) Dad. SAM lets go and turns away, walking across the room. DEAN stays where he is, taking deep breaths. SAM: (Tears in his eyes) He should have called by now. Try him again.

(sorry I know that’s a long chunk of text, but hooboy)

They’ve already lost SO MUCH to the demon (Mary, Jess) and still Sam’s willing to throw his own life away in pursuit of it. It’s only the thought that they might’ve lost John to the demon too because of their impulsiveness that brings him back to reality. The demon has taken so much from them, BUT THEY STILL HAVE MORE THEY COULD LOSE TO IT.

Sam can’t think beyond the blinding need for vengeance, but there are things that are not worth sacrificing (family, loved ones).

And after 13.22, I AM EVEN MORE CONCERNED FOR SAM THAN I WAS LAST WEEK.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/15/19 11:58pm SU 5/? - The Rachel Saga

Okay. Let’s see if we can do this. I’m presently big chilling at work. Got everything that’s been nagging at me off my mind. I want to change my hair up, I think it’s time for something new again.

Rachel was just a friend I’d hang out with at karaoke for a long time. She was this adorable pixie cutted shortie, super skinny, bright rosy cheeks, a huge white smile, and a voice that made you believe her when she told you she used to go to school for opera. Her, Lance, Dave, and Chris were my favorite people to be out at karaoke (other than Alan, god he has the voice of a southern drawling angel lol, but he’s always out), because they were actually my age and fun to talk to.

I was always my regular flirty self, but slightly reserved I suppose, because I had always imagined that Lance and Rachel had a thing together. Once I found out they lived together I kinda just penned it in that that was that.

Anyway, it was an innocuous day, not much time had passed from me stopping seeing Mary and having that fling with Sophie. About this time my only focus was getting better at melee and going to karaoke. But that puts us in like late January/very early February I think. Definitely before my birthday. Out of the blue Rachel hit me up on Facebook and said “hey, here’s my number why don’t you use it sometime?” Stellar line. 

oh SHIT. turns out I have all my texts with her! We used to text alllllllllllll the timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. This is gonna be great. Wow what a great crutch to help remember everything. I guess I already had this phone by then? And I was settled into the new apartment with Ashleigh closer to Walkers, where I actually had a bed and wasn’t sleeping on her couch anymore. So that was lovely lol. 

It was February 3rd, she had given me the wrong number on fb and texted me at 3am on a saturday (a couple days after karaoke) to correct it. She was drunk and I was stuck at work. So we hit it off. Texted for hours about each other, about work, about judgy family members. I asked her why she gave me her number tonight, she said 

“Because I think you’re hot and insanely fun and I finally got the balls to do something about it.” 

“hahaha oh yeah? That’s flattering as fuck actually. :3 i actually never would’ve guessed, I’m so glad that you did.”

“Yeah I’ve been telling my friends how cute I thought you were for some time now  😬 

I’m also socially awkward as fuuuuck”

“Nooo shit hahahah. Wellll you’re clearly not a huge flirt and a hint earlier might’ve been nice. ;) but I wouldn’t call you awkward by any means.”

“You intrigue me, because you’re so fucking nice and seem so happy and intense all the time.

Which (morbidly enough) must mean that there’s some serious fucked up shit you’ve gone through that you’re either past or you’re able to forget it”

“:) I kinda thrive off other people. It’s hard for be to be upset at anything when I’m out and about. Add a little alcohol and I feel like I can goof around and be myself with anyone lol.”

“Yikes that’s the drunk Rachel saying shit.”

“Hahahahahaa thats ok I like it.

yeah I’ve had some weird ass times in my life but I wouldn’t say anything super devastating. Just a strange upbringing. I’ll tell you all about it sometime.”

“I’d like to hear it

I’ve had an interesting upbringing as well

But I really enjoy being around you”

“I really love to hear people’s stories so that’d be a great time. :)”

“I feel like regardless of what happens hanging out with you is a great time. :)

You seem like the kind of person that makes things fun, I mean”

then we started talking about how we’re heartbreakers and that our last relationship has kind of fucked us, and that we’re just tryna fuck around mostly. She had to clarify “also I’m gonna be honest if we’re “hanging out” after karaoke on Tuesday... we’re not gonna be “hanging out””

“hahahahahahahahh yknow I was kinda banking on that. Might’ve been a little awkward otherwise”

she told me she wanted to hang out with me sometime, “but not tuesday night ;)” Then we discussed doing a paint by number and our religious beliefs before she had to go to bed.

So like... This was one of the most pleasant evenings I had ever had at work. 

I’m not sure about this verbatim typing. Maybe I should just screenshot some stuff instead. 

We texted a lot on the day of the superbowl. I loved how into sportsball she was. She was a Duke fan it was always fun giving each other shit when our teams would lose. 

Tuesday we got fucked up at karaoke, walked over to my place and had some amazing sex. 

I always feel self conscious if the first time I have sex with someone isn’t incredible. Why wasn’t I performing well enough? Was it me? Was I just not as into it as I expected? I guess if I’m second guessing my performance afterward from now on I should just bear in mind that if it’s really good it’ll be GOOD. 

My first night with Rachel was GOOD. I still have little a little speckling of blood dots on my nice bamboo sheets from that night. Turns out I didn’t lick and suck enough lmfao. I think it was just a little too much for me to get out. 

I remember sitting on the stoop with her we’d smoke cigarettes and talk about video games and growing up with our families and having shitty step moms and moving away from where we grew up. We had a lot in common.

She asked what I was into and when I told her melee she made fun of me because she used to go to FGC tournaments to watch her boyfriend, and they’d always made fun of smash for being a fake fighting game. She said she wanted to go to a tournament with me and it blew my fucking mind. I had practically dragged ... who was it? Katy maybe? Out to watch me and that was weird so I had planned on never trying again. Especially after how quickly Kailey got sick of them. But Rachel WANTED to go to a tournament to see me play. I didn’t think a girl like this could even exist. It was unbelievable. 

[letters-from-alex]

Dear Friend,

June 5, 2017

I’m finally back home from my vacation.  I got in yesterday from Austin with one of my friends over the weekend.  The five hour drive was so boring. There’s nothing to see in Texas the more you travel south - no hills, no mountains, nothing. I almost fell asleep on the road. It was my fault because I didn’t sleep much the night before.  I was up too late being a slut with my friend.  Maybe I’ll tell you about my night with him... To be honest, it was one of the hottest nights I've ever had with anyone.  I was really turned on by him - more than usual at least. I don’t know if it was because he has a girlfriend or because he was being more kinky than usual with me.  There was so much dirty talk.  I never realized how much I liked it until now.  I guess I should keep trying new things.  I was greeted by my mom as soon as I got home. When I arrived, I opened the garage and she immediately came outside to give me a hug.  I don’t blame her - I was gone for two weeks after all.  I unloaded all my luggage from the vehicle and walked into my room to unpack. That’s when I was greeted by my dad and my dog Zoey.  My dad gave me a hug and said he missed me being here.  I tried to give my dog Zoey a kiss, but she’s always a bitch.  She wasn’t even excited to see me.  She just cares about my dad. 

Anyway, it felt really good to be home.  I missed my parents and my dog (even though she didn’t miss me). I missed my friends - more specifically, Josh. I missed the smell of my house.  I missed my own bed. I also missed the food here.  I missed everything.  I needed this vacation though.  It made me let go of so many things - or at least it helped.  I’m not so mad and angry all the time.  And when I think of the people that aren't in my life anymore, it’s easier just to push those thoughts to the back of my brain and forget about them again. My problems were gone while I was away.  It’s like I left them here.  I spent so much money - money I don't have; I used my credit cards. I honestly did not care about that.  Money comes and goes for me.  And when I’m having a good time, it’s just easier for me to spend money and not care or worry about it.  So, I’m glad I did this.  I did a lot of reading, writing, and a lot of thinking.  I took a lot of time to evaluate myself and think about what I need right now in my life - get my priorities straight.  I had fun going out to cafes and parks and just reading with my friend Marie.  I also wrote when there was a lot on my mind.  For example, I wrote about my days with Marie - like things we did and how much fun we had.  I also wrote letters to her and Keith.  I did write one letter to Josh as well for his birthday.  Lastly, I wrote a letter to Voldemort.  I guess I had so much on my mind to tell him because my letter to him ended up being eighteen pages long - all handwritten. I didn’t write it in one night.  I paused in between and it took me three days to write it.  I wanted to make sure I said everything I needed to say to him.  And the saddest part was that even though it was eighteen long pages, I still feel like it wasn’t enough. I updated him on my life and what was going on with me.  I told him about my ex-boyriend not paying my (and his) car. And that he’s going out of the country for a few months and that I can’t rely on him or his mother anymore to be paying it. I was tired of getting so many letters from the bank. So, I told him that I took it away from my ex-boyfriend, and now I’m stuck with a car that I can’t afford. I think that was the only real problem that bothered me as soon as I drove up to my house and saw the car parked outside.  A part of me just wished it was gone so I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.  Well, hopefully that will be solved soon. I’m going to take it back to the bank so they can repossess it.  Sadly, it’s the only option I have and I’m going to have to suffer the consequences that come with it - bad credit and getting sued by the bank to pay the difference of the note.  Wish me luck. Hopefully this problem doesn’t drive me to depression again.

I told him where I was and what I was doing there. I wanted to make sure that he knew that I was safe.  I don’t know why I felt the need to do this but I did.  I let him know that I was happy and had been spending a lot of time with my friend; swimming, shopping, writing, reading, and watching television and movies.  I told him how much I missed him. I had so much to say when it got to the part where I kept writing about him, him, and him. I wanted him to know how much I think about him. I wanted him to know how important he is to me; even now.  I wanted him to know how hard it is for me to get over him. I needed him to know how much I still love him.  It was so heartbreaking for me to spill all these thoughts to him.  I let him know how angry I was and how much he hurt me.  I also told him I didn’t deserve any of it.  I just had so much on my mind.  I let it all out.  When I re-read the letter to myself, not even halfway through it, I started to cry.  I couldn’t believe it; honestly... I had never cried over my own writing before this one.  I could feel my own sorrow; my own hate; my own hurt; my own pain;  my own misery; I could feel my own heartache.  It was devastating.  I had to stop reading it for a moment just so I could regain my composure.  After a good few minutes, I finished reading my letter to him.  I cried again during and after I read it.  Marie was next to me while I did. She knew how much pain I was in and gave me a long hug and let me cry on her shoulder.  I have to make sure I remember that moment forever.  Because it was such a great feeling to have someone there for me when I really needed them; and she was.

I had to wait a few days to send the package to Voldemort because I finished it the night before memorial day, and the post office isn't open on holidays. I sent him - actually Marie sent him the letter with two gifts that I got him.  I didn’t have the courage to actually get down to send him that stuff because I was slightly regretting it; I thought it was a crazy idea.  But I knew it had to be done. 

One of the gifts I sent him was this metallic looking glass with a logo of The Flash’s villain Zoom. It was black and gray with a metallic red on the inside.  I found it at Spencer’s. To match it, I bought him a lanyard of the same logo.  I thought it was cute gift to get for him since I bought him a wallet and a cap of Zoom a few months back.  Now he has all these things to match each other.  I sent this package last week to him.  I checked the tracking on it - it was delivered to him on Friday. It is now Monday.... I still have not received anything from him.  Not even a text saying thank you.  Sigh. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything from him.  I just did it for myself.  And I’m glad I did because I think it really is helping me move on from him.  I just wish moving on from someone was that easy... I’m trying to get over someone else that was important in my life.  I’m not really upset with him, I’m more upset with the situation.  He’s an old friend that I should start calling a stranger that is dating my ex-boyfriend.  I don’t condone it at all.  Mostly because this friend of mine led me to believe that he loved me more than him.  I could tell that he was very infatuated by me when we first met.  He was obsessed with my legs which I thought was very funny because I think that is the one body part that I hate the most about myself.  But.... he loved them, along with the rest of my insecurities.  I loved everything about him to until he hurt me.  His name is Jesus.  He lives in another country.  I met him on Tumblr over a year and a half ago, then I met him in real life in December.  Now, I don’t want to talk about old memories for they still hurt me and open up healing wounds, but I will say something that was haunting me even while I was on vacation.  In total, I believe I had about six dreams about him while I was on vacation.  Those days were the worst - especially when I had dreams with him and my ex-boyfriend together.  But most of them were about him being here again and trying to talk to me and making me feel better.  I can’t remember most of them but they weren’t significant.  They were just mostly about us talking.  I had three dreams about him three nights in a row.  Then, the next day, my mom texted me.  “Hey. Jesus sent you something in the mail today. It feels like a T-shirt.” My heart clenched.  My stomach sank.  My throat closed up. My blood raced.  My head hurt.  Why? I asked myself.  Did he get me something for my birthday? Is it a gift from him? Or is he returning something to me? Maybe the shirt I gave him?  Honestly, it could be that he returned a shirt to me.  If he did, that would make me feel even more heartbroken.  I want things to be okay between he and I, but I just don’t want to know where we stand anymore.  I’m afraid to open the package.  I told my mom to hide it from me.  I don’t want to open it.  Whatever it is, I’m sure it can wait.  Even if it’s a few months.  I just can’t open it now.  It still hurts too much.  I want to tell him thank you, but I can’t.  I shouldn’t...  After this incident happened, I had three more dreams about him.  I think that was the only real problem that gave me anxiety while I was away.  All the other problems just stayed here in my hometown.  I’m just really happy that I had a great time.  I cleared my head of so many bad things.  I relaxed.  I learned new things about myself.  I spent time with friends.  I let loose.  I got drunk. I had fun...  I mean... How could I not have had fun? I had sex with a “straight” guy. What are the odds of that? Now... I’m home. I’m finally home!  Drinking a sweet lemonade and listening to Deadmau5. I can’t really sleep.  My brain is too wired at the moment.  I’m back to reality... Working, going to summer school, and doing my same old routine as before.  I wouldn’t say my life is boring on a day-to-day basis, but I would say it can get a little crazy when I let it.  I just hope nothing bad comes my way anytime soon. I was feeling depressed, worthless, and lazy before my vacation.  Now I feel careless, adventurous, and happy!  I almost feel content.  After this weekend comes and goes, I will let you know what happens about my vehicle being repossessed.  Incidentally, my birthday is coming up this week and I can’t wait to have more fun with my friends.  I invited a few of them to a BBQ my parents are having for me.  I hope everything goes well...  I want to have a good time, be happy, and forget about everything.  At least for one night.  Love always,  Alex

[supernatural-jackles]

Where It All Began (College AU) Part 29

Title: Where It All Began (College AU) Part 29

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 6,906

Warnings: Pregnant!Reader, Vomiting, Fluff, Smut

Catch Up: Masterlist

A/N: AH! The second last part to this series. Thank you all for waiting so DAMN patiently for this part! I promise you, you won’t have to wait nearly as long for the finale part. I hope y’all enjoy this part! As always, I appreciate your feedback, thoughts, and hey, send me what you think is going to happen in the next chapter. Enjoy!

x

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You and Dean rushed to the hospital as fast as possible. He broke a handful of speed limits on the way, his knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel. You could only imagine how he was feeling right now. He didn’t deserve to go through this. He has been in the hospital way too many times to count and every time, someone he loved was hurt. He was always so close to losing someone he loved. So you did the only thing you could do, you reached over and grabbed his hand off the steering wheel and took it in yours, squeezing tightly to reassure him that you were there.

 When you arrived at the hospital, Jess and Sam were sitting in the waiting room, no signs of Mary anywhere. Dean held you close; closer than he usually did. Jess made her way over to the two of you, hugging Dean first before you. Sam joined behind her slowly, unsure of what to say. His hands shoved in his pockets.

 “Guess it’s a good thing our flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow,” Jess broke the silence.

 “Where is he?” Dean questioned. “And mom?”

 “They took him back. Everything is going to be okay. It was a minor heart attack, he was cutting the grass in the backyard when it happened. Mom called 911 and got him here as quick as possible,” Sam explained. “Mom’s back there with him now.”

 “Can we see him?” you inquired.

 “Right now, no. They are doing a bunch of tests to see if there is any damage to dad’s heart and mom is there, well because she’s mom and wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Sam chuckled. Mary was a tough woman, and that you knew. You could practically see her arguing with the doctors to let her through. “Dean, it’s late. You and Y/N have work in the morning. Mom will probably want to see you tomorrow when everything has calmed down.”

 “Are you sure? I don’t mind staying,” Dean sighed.

 “Dean, it’s okay. Really. I’ll tell mom you stopped by and that you’ll see her and dad tomorrow,” Sam urged, a small smile playing on his lips at Dean’s stubbornness. You wrapped your arm around his waist and leaned into him. His body relaxed instantly, you could feel the tension leaving his body.

 “Okay. Call me if anything changes, I don’t care what time it is!” Dean pointed his finger at Sam. You smiled softly at the interaction between the two brothers. Sam nodded and smiled at his older brother. “You ready to go, sweetheart?”

 “Yeah,” you grinned up at him. He leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead. “I’ll see you guys later. Have a safe flight,” you told them. Jess hugged you tightly, telling you that she would text you when she got back to Stanford.

 Dean was a lot calmer on the ride home. Led Zeppelin played softly in the background as you traveled the dark, empty roads. You were so thankful that John was going to be okay. John was like a father to you, he was a better father to you than your own was. But you were happy that Dean didn’t lose him. He would have been devastated. You can remember just how broken up he was when Mary was sick. You spent many days in the library trying to comfort him. Your hand rubbing his shoulder, assuring him that everything was going to be okay. You always saw a whole other side to Dean that he never dared to show anyone else.

 You waked in the front door just after midnight, both of you exhausted. You headed straight to the room you two shared, changing into your pajamas before going to the bathroom to brush your teeth. Dean joined you moments later in the bed. He let out a loud sigh.

 “Dean, you okay?” you questioned, moving your body closer to his.

 “Yeah,” he breathed out. “Just gave me a good scare is all.”

 “You and me both. You’re mom’s a badass though,” you chuckled.

 “You should have seen her when we thought Sam had an appendicitis,”  he let out a laugh. “If I remember correctly, I think she threatened the nurse’s career.”

 You couldn’t help but smile at the look of love on his face when he talked about his mom. “I’m so glad that both of your parents are okay, Dean.”

 “Me too. I’m sorry your mom isn’t here though. Especially now.” He looked over at you, turning on his side to face you completely. “Are you okay with this? I mean this wasn’t exactly planned.”

 “Honestly, I’m happy about this. I know it wasn’t planned and that is completely my fault-”

 “Hey, it’s not just your fault. It takes two, Y/N.”

 “Are you okay with this?”

 “Sweetheart, you have no idea how happy I am,” he beamed. He moved down to the middle of the bed, his face coming up to your stomach.

 “Dean, I should probably make a doctor’s appointment to make sure,” you told him.

 “Yeah. I’m going to be there,” he replied, lifting your shirt up just enough to reveal your stomach to him. “I’m going to be at every appointment. I’m not going to miss a single one.”

 “Would it be okay if we didn’t tell your parents just yet?” you asked him. “Or anybody?”

 “Yeah, that's completely fine. We can tell them when you’re ready,” he responded. His fingers traced over the skin of your stomach. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you. It was like he was expecting you to grow just before his eyes.

 You were scared, of course you were. A huge part of you was excited though. This was huge and you couldn’t be happier. You were happy that Dean was happy about this. He was more supportive than you ever expected him to be. You never expected him to go out with you to buy tests, or for him to be there when you took them. You loved him more for how sweet he was. But watching him right now with his eyes glued to your stomach because he knew there was something growing inside of you; something that is both of you, made you love him more than ever.

 You didn’t have any doubts that he wouldn’t be an amazing father. You were sure he already loved the baby, just like you did. You couldn’t wait to watch Dean become a father. He was going to protect your child just like he protected you. He was going to be as amazing as both of his parents were at raising him and Sam.

 “Dean.”

 “Yeah?”

 “I love you so much.”

--------------------------------

 You woke up with this awful taste in your mouth. Your stomach was churning and you felt more nauseous than you have felt in since college. You practically threw the covers off of the bed and made a beeline for the bathroom, barely making it in time for you to spill the contents of last nights dinner into the toilet.

 “Babe,” you heard the familiar gruff of Dean’s voice as he made his way into the bathroom. He carefully pulled the hair away from your face just in time for you to throw up once more. You hated that Dean had to see you like this and quite frankly, you wondered how he could stand seeing you like this. This was definitely not a good look for you, and the last thing you would have wanted was for the man you loved to see you spilling the contents of your stomach first thing in the morning.

 You finished up and flushed the toilet. You let out a sigh of defeat before getting back up to wash your hands and face and to brush your teeth.

 “You okay, sweetheart?” he asked, cupping your cheek, his eyes glossed with concern.

 “Yeah,” you stated. With that, he left you in the bathroom, letting you do what you needed to. By the time you emerged from the bathroom and back into the bedroom, Dean was back and holding a mug in his hand.

 “Peppermint tea. It’s caffeine free and I read that it’s supposed to help settle your stomach,” he revealed. You smiled widely as tears glistened in your eyes. This was the third morning in a row that you had woken up only to throw up. It was such a simple gesture and it meant the world to you.

 “Thanks, Dean,” you muttered, taking the mug from him with a soft smile before moving back to the bed the two of you shared. You took a few small sips, the peppermint instantly calming your stomach, making you feel a lot better. Dean sat at the end of the bed on your side and looked over at you; admiring you. “You ready for the appointment today?”

 “You bet. Sam wanted to get together tonight but I told him that you and I had a date night planned. You still haven’t told anyone yet have you?”

 “No. But now that you say Sam wants to get together with you, Jess is going to want the same. Hiding something from her is like trying to hide something from you-”

 “Impossible.”

 “Exactly. Not to mention every time she and I get together, there is a ninety-five percent chance alcohol will be involved. It will be so obvious,” you breathed out, placing your mug on the bedside table.

 “Yeah, and babe, you’re also showing a little. You’re almost twelve weeks,” he reminded you. “You have no idea how beautiful I think you are.”

 “You’re just saying that because I’m getting bigger,” you giggled.

 “I’m saying it because it’s true. You were beautiful before you were pregnant and you’re even more beautiful when you are. You have this glow to your skin that I can’t even describe. I don’t know if it’s because you’re mine and the fact that we made that together. If we didn’t have to head to work in an hour I would take you right now.”

 “Well, we have tonight,” you winked.

 The work day went by faster than you expected. Your first two classes had an in class essay to write, not that it was a big deal or worth a lot of marks. You just wanted to see how well your students were grasping the concept of essay writing. For lunch, you spent the hour in Dean’s office. He couldn’t keep his hands off you ever since you found out you were pregnant. It was the sweetest thing, and you definitely didn’t mind.

 After work, he drove you to your doctors appointment. Today was the day you were going to hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time. You glanced out the window, Dean’s hand in yours in the middle of the impala. You could tell he was just as eager as you were and quite frankly, you thought it was adorable.

 “So, Sam texted me after lunch about meeting up tonight and I think Jess is going to come by to hang out with you. Do you want to do something with all four of us or?” Dean asked as you sat down in the doctor’s office. You and Dean had the last appointment of the day, leaving you alone in the waiting area.

 “Go hang out with your brother. I’ll be fine with Jess,” you told him.

 “Alright,” he grinned. “Wanna make a bet?”

 “Alright, Winchester. What’s the bet and what do I win?”

 “You’re cocky, you know that, Mrs Winchester,” he chuckled. “I want to bet you that within the first twenty minutes of you and Jess hanging out that she finds out you’re pregnant. The winner is on top tonight.”

 “You have so little faith in me! I won’t give in,” you stated, crossing your arms. “But I’ll play. I definitely wouldn’t mind being on top tonight. I can’t go wrong with seeing you writhing underneath me with that sexy mouth of yours open and that almost sinful tongue peeking past your lips.”

 “Oh is that so? See, I love being on top, and I know you love it too. You love having my body on top of yours, no space between our bodies. I love watching your face as I thrust into you. I love the way you grip my arms. But most of all, I love the look on your face when I make you-”

 “Mr and Mrs Winchester,” the nurse called out. You had to take a deep breath and try to forget the words that just came out of your husband’s filthy mouth. Dean stood up first, holding his hand out for you to help you up.

 “We got a deal?” he whispered in your ear. You turned your head and stood on your tiptoes, pressing a firm kiss to his lips.

 “Game on, Dean.”

 You lay on the table, Your shirt bunched up around your breasts. Dean sat next to you, holding your hand the entire time. The ultrasound technician told you what was going to happen and how she was going to explain in further detail what exactly was going on with your baby.  

 She poured some cold gel on your growing baby bump and started moving it around. You began to see the image appear on the screen. Dean squeezed your hand as the image became clearer.

 “So right now you are twelve weeks and two days along. On the screen you will see your baby’s development this far in. Here you can see your baby’s nose and their eye sockets,” she explained, pointing them out for you to see on the screen. “Your baby is developing very well. It is a healthy size, at twelve weeks, your baby is about the size of a lime. I don’t see any sort of abnormalities in your fetus, which is a good sign. Now let’s check for a heartbeat.”

 She moved the machine over your stomach, carefully spreading the gel a little more. Then you heard it, how could you not? It was loud and steady. Your baby’s heartbeat. Tears sprang to your eyes. It was all so real to you now. There was a healthy living thing inside of you.

 “Your baby has a strong heartbeat,” she stated. “I’ll give you and dad a moment to yourselves.”

 She exited the room, but you couldn’t take your eyes off the screen. There was your beautiful baby, a piece of you and Dean. You quickly turned to face him and instantly saw the tears in his eyes.

 “Dean?” you breathed out.

 “That’s our kid,” he whispered. “We made that.” A single tear slipped down his cheek before he smiled down at you. You met him halfway, kissing him like your life depended on it. You couldn’t believe just how happy you were in that moment. It was a moment you would treasure forever.

 You got back to the house just after six, smiles plastered on both of your faces. Dean carried your bag in from the car and held the door open for you. Much to your surprise, you were greeted to two familiar faces.

 “Where have you guys been? We’ve been here since four,” Jess called out, making her way over to you, pulling you into her arms. For a moment you tensed, worrying that she would feel your tiny, yet growing belly.

 “I had a few students that needed extra help and Dean stayed back with me to keep me company,” you lied.

 “Well, we’re just glad you’re safe. I hope you don’t mind but we were hungry from our flight so we cooked one of your frozen pizza’s,” Sam added in, taking a bit out of his slice. The house smelled like veggie pizza. You didn’t know if it was a good smell of bad.

 “No no, that’s fine. We still heading out tonight?” Dean asked his younger brother.

 “Yeah,” he nodded with food in his mouth.

 “We going out too, Y/N?” Jess asked.

 “You know, I thought we could stay here. It’s been a long day,” you told her. “Maybe we can watch a movie, eat some junk food. Have a girls night in?”

 “Sounds like a plan.”

 You and Dean headed to your bedroom to go and change out of your work clothes. The second the door closed, his hands were on your body, lifting your shirt over your head. His eyes trailed over your body, stopping on your stomach for a moment before he kissed you hard, taking your breath away.

 “The timer starts the second I walk out that door,” he muttered against your lips.

 “Alright, so a grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the duty free shop in the airport, I figured we could get a few drinks in us just like old times,” she smiled, pulling the bottle from her purse. Dean had been gone thirty seconds and you already knew that you were going to lose this bet.

 “I’m not really feeling the alcohol tonight, Jess,” you shrugged, pulling a bag of dill pickle chips from the cupboard. You turned to look at her and instantly saw the surprised look on her face. “What?”

 “You never skip out on drinks. Not even one,” she pointed out. “You feeling okay?”

 “Yeah, just a long day is all. I’m fine I swear,” you smiled. “So I was thinking we could watch Pitch Perfect or some other chick flick. What do you say?”

 “Hell yes!”

 You had five minutes left until you won the bet. You were surprised to say the least. Jess had been a little quiet. The only sounds that filled the room were the ruffling sound of the dill pickle chip bag. You knew she could tell something was up. Her eyes were on you, you could feel them every so often.

 “How are things with you and Sam?” you asked, breaking the silence.

 “Is it that obvious?” she questioned, sheepishly. You glanced over at her, her eyes not quite meeting yours.

 “Jess?”

 “I think he wants to break up, Y/N” she stated, tears filling her eyes. “We’ve been together for so long and I’m still so in love with him but he’s been really distant lately. Every morning, I wake up and he’s not there. It’s been forever since he and I have had sex. I don’t know what happened. He doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

 “Jess, he still loves you! That boy loves you more than you could ever imagine. You guys have been together longer than Dean and I have. If Dean and I can get through what we’ve gotten through, you two will be just fine. Just talk to him. You’ll feel better once you do,” you assured her.

 “Yeah, you’re right,” she breathed out. “I need a drink, and so do you.”

 “I’m good, but by all means, have a drink,” you beamed.

 “Oh no, I am not drinking alone,” she stated, pouring you both a glass.

 “I can’t Jess-”

 “It’s Friday Y/N, you said you had a long day, this will take the edge off,” she smiled, handing you the glass of amber liquid.

 “I can’t,” you grinned, placing the glass on the table. She looked at you, her brows furrowed.

 “Wait, you aren’t- are you? Are you pregnant?”

 You lifted your shirt up, revealing your tiny baby bump. You glanced up and saw the tears in her eyes. Her smile was wider than you had ever seen it.

 “Congratulations Y/N, how far along?”

 “Twelve weeks and two days. That’s why Dean and I didn’t get home until late. I had an appointment. We heard the baby’s heartbeat today,” you told her.

 “Why didn’t you tell me!” she practically screamed with excitement.

 “He and I wanted to wait until the second trimester to tell everyone. We’re planning on telling everyone at Christmas,” you informed her.

 “That totally explains why Dean can’t seem to take his eyes or his hands off of you. You both looked so happy the second you walked in that door.”

 “We are really happy about this. I was terrified when I found out. I had missed a few pills and when I was late, I freaked out. Dean was so great. He literally held me together when I told him I was late. He was very sweet.”

 “I’m so happy for the two of you. You both are going to make amazing parents.”

 You and Jess continued to chat throughout the movie. You texted Dean to let him know he won the bet. You also told him to tell Sam to knock it off and talk to his girlfriend. What you didn’t tell Jess was that Sam was planning on proposing to her and he was nervous as hell to ask her. He didn’t want her to figure it out. Dean was happy for his baby brother though, very happy.

 The second Jess headed to bed with Sam, you dragged Dean to the bedroom and let him have his way with you. Needless to say, he made good on his naughty words he shared with you in the doctor’s office.

 Sam proposed to Jess the day before Thanksgiving. He did it discreetly, in the place where he first asked her out on a date. Of course, everyone knew he was going to ask her before she did. Sam told everyone, including his parents, and his aunt and uncle that he was going to, then swore everyone to secrecy.

 It was getting harder to hide your pregnancy from his family. Jess was still the only one to know. You made he promise not to tell Sam. You couldn’t have any wine at dinner, and you were watching what you ate. You wore baggy clothing. Christmas couldn’t have come quick enough.

 “Alright sweetheart, you ready to go?” he called out from in the bedroom. You grinned, emerging from the bathroom to join him. He was wearing a warm sweater that marbled his body exquisitely, jeans that fit snugly to his legs. He smiled softly at you. You were definitely showing now.

 “I’m ready,” you told him. You wore a Christmas t-shirt with a loose fitting black cardigan. Your jeans no longer fit so you went with a pair of black leggings. “You know, we should start picking out some names we like.”

 “Yeah we should. How is baby doing today?” he asked, kneeling down in front of you. His hands came up to your growing stomach, his lips pressed against the fabric.

 “Baby is good.”

 “And mom?”

 “Mom is excited. I can’t wait to tell your parents today Dean. I hate that I haven’t seen them since Thanksgiving,” you revealed.

 “They are excited to see you. I’m glad both of you are healthy. The doctor says you have a very healthy pregnancy, and you’re almost sixteen weeks,” he smiled up at you. “I can’t wait to see the look on my mom’s face.”

 Dean placed one more kiss to your stomach before getting up. He pressed his lips to yours sweetly. He helped you put your winter jacket on and even assisted you with your boots. The two of you headed out the front door and straight to the impala to head to his parents for Christmas.

 Dean sang along to some Christmas carols on the way over. His voice incredibly out of tune and he got a lot of the lyrics wrong, but you were certain he was doing it to make you laugh. You were laughing alright. He always had the ability to make you laugh.

 You tried your best to hide your stomach the best you could before you headed to the front door of Dean’s parents house. You held the gifts that were meant for his parents, Sam and Jess. You took a deep breath as Dean rang the doorbell. Mary opened the door, her smile wide.

 “Merry Christmas Mom,” Dean beamed. Mary pulled him into her arms. Oh god, Mary was going to hug you as well. She would definitely feel your baby bump when she did.

 “Merry Christmas you two. Come on in and get set up in the living room,” she told you both. Relief coursed through your body. You would be able to hug her as soon as you broke the news.

 Mary took off into the kitchen, leaving you and Dean to take off your jackets. Dean took the presents from your arms and carried them into the living room before coming back to help you. Your eyes met his gorgeous green ones for a moment before his hands snuck around your waist.

 “You’re beautiful, you know that?” he said. He leaned down and gave you a quick peck on the lips. “You ready?”

 “I’m ready, babe.”

 Dean took your hand and lead you over to the couch. The couch that had so many memories associated with it. This is where you realized just how hard you were falling for him. This is where you asked John to walk you down the aisle, where Dean asked you to marry him. Now there was going to be one more memory added into the mix.

 You sat down, adjusting your sweater so that it would successfully cover your stomach. Dean snaked his arm around your shoulder, placing a chaste kiss to your forehead. You leaned into him, relaxing into his touch.

 “Merry Christmas everyone,” John beamed. In his hand, he was carrying a small cooler filled with cold beers for everyone to drink. You began to worry that Mary and John weren’t going to be happy that you and Dean were having a baby. You had only been married for 6 months. You made eye contact with Jess for a moment. She sent you a wink and somehow that was reassuring. You knew his parents. His parents loved you both. They would be happy for you. “Beer?”

 “Oh, no thanks,” you smiled.

 “You don’t have to worry about driving, kiddo. We have Dean’s room set up for the two of you,” he assured you.

 “I’m okay.”

 “So Uncle Bobby and Aunty Ellen aren’t coming this year. They are spending it with Jo and Zach. Looks like it’s just us this year,” Mary informed everyone. She came in, her apron still tied around her waist.

 “More pie for me,” Dean chuckled. Mary gave him a knowing smile.

 “Alright, shall we open presents?”

 Sam handed out the presents to everyone first before anyone opened anything. You watched as Jess opened her gift from Sam. He had gotten her a beautiful necklace that matched her engagement ring perfectly. You watched as her eyes welled with tears, launching herself into Sam’s lap. She had gotten Sam a collection of old books that he had been looking at in August. He was completely surprised by it. He had thought she wasn’t paying attention. She also bought him some more flannels, but you both knew they weren’t just for him. John and Mary both gave them some money they could use to put towards their wedding.

 After all the presents were opened, wrapping paper covered nearly every part of the floor. Dean helped you put on his gift to you, which was a charm bracelet. John grabbed another beer while Mary took a seat in his lap. Sam was telling everyone a story about what happened to him before finals. Your stomach was filled with anticipation, your palms began to sweat.

 “Well I better get back to the kitchen. The potatoes aren’t going to mash themselves,” Mary sighed.

 “Mom wait,” Dean called out. Alright, it was time. Dean looked over at you for a moment, needing your reassurance before continuing. You smiled softly, reaching for his hand. “We have one last thing to share.” Mary took her seat back on John’s lap, her eyes locked on the two of you. Dean squeezed your hand.

 You stood up, releasing Dean’s hand. Your fingers made their way to the hem of your Christmas shirt, you slowly revealed your stomach to his parents.  “Y/N’s pregnant.”

 “OH MY GOD!” Mary screamed, jumping out of John’s lap. She pulled you into her so quickly you didn’t even know what hit you. When she finally released you, you could see the tears in her eyes. “I’m going to be a grandmother,” she breathed out.  “Congratulations!”

 Tears sprang to your eyes. Her reaction was more than you ever imagined it would be. She pressed her hand to your baby bump. You could see she already loved her grandkid. John came up to you not long after, pulling you into a hug.

 “Congratulations to both of you. You’re going to make amazing parents,” he assured you.

 He ushered Mary away from you, promising her that she could ask anything she wanted after dinner. The smile was permanent on her face, John’s as well. He pulled Dean in his arms the second he walked back in the room.

 “You have no idea how hard this was to hide from everyone,” Jess admitted.

 “Wait, you knew?” Sam questioned.

 “I got it out of her four weeks ago,” Jess confessed.

 “Wow, my own fiancee!” he joked. “Congratulations guys. I’m so happy for the two of you. Who would have thought this time last year that this would happen.”

 It hit you then. This time last year you were healing from a gunshot wound. The thought hadn’t really crossed your mind, even with it being Christmas time. You and Dean didn’t talk much about the incident. You were finally over it. You were happy to be healthy and alive.

 “I’m grateful everyday,” Dean added, looking down at you.

 You were getting a lot of love, and you were happy that Mary and John were excited for the two of you. You never really realized how big of an effect it had on you though. You couldn’t help but have this heavy feeling in your chest, and you knew why.

 “I’m just going to excuse myself. Bathroom,” you said quietly. You took off almost instantly, headed upstairs to the bedroom you and Dean had shared so many times.

 You shut the door silently behind you before taking a seat on the end of the bed. Tears welled in your eyes once more, this time, they weren’t happy tears. You didn’t want to cry, not over this. You knew it was going to happen at some point. You just never expected it to be so hard.

 “Sweetheart?” Dean’s voice called in. He was peeking his head in the door before he entered, closing it behind him. He closed the space between the two of you and kneeled down in front of you. He took both your hands in his, concern evident on his face. “What’s wrong, babe?”

 “Just thinking,” you smiled weakly.

 “About what?” His voice was an octave higher than usual. It was soft and laced with worry but he put on a strong face, knowing that it’s probably what you needed.

 “I never thought telling your parents about this would be like this. They were so excited, like beyond excited and happy for us! It’s more than I ever expected, but I can’t help but wonder if this is how-”

 “If this is how your mom would have reacted?” he finished for you. You nodded your head. “I want you to listen to me, sweetheart. Your mom would have reacted way more excited than this. You were her youngest daughter and she loved you more than anything. She would have been so happy for both of us and I know it’s not fair that she’s not here and that she doesn’t get to experience this. She left this world way too soon, but I will tell you now, she is watching you right now, and she is so happy for you. Your mom would have dropped her glass, letting it shatter against the tile floor. She would have screamed at the top of her lungs and raced over to as quick as her legs would let her. You would have to beg her to let go of you.” Dean cupped your cheek, his thumb wiping away your tears. You leaned into his touch. “Just remember that babe.”

 “Have I told you how much I love you lately?” you asked him, genuinely.

 “You tell me you love me everyday,” he smiled. “You show me you love me more often than that.”

 “Good. I don’t want there to be a day that you question that,” you stated.

 “I should be saying that to you,” he winked.

 You headed into the kitchen to see if Mary needed any help while Dean spent some time with his dad and brother. Mary still had a wide smile plastered on her lips. Jess was smiling just as wide.

 “Can I help with anything?” you asked.

 “Nope, you can sit and relax,” Mary told you.

 “Are you sure? I may be pregnant but that doesn’t mean I can’t help,” you giggled.

 “I can’t believe you are pregnant! This is amazing. How far along are you?” she questioned.

 “Almost sixteen weeks. Dean and I wanted to wait until the second trimester to start telling people, just in case something happened. The doctor said we are both very healthy and the baby is growing just fine,” you explained.

 “I can see how happy Dean is about this,” she pointed out.

 “What am I happy about?” Dean interrupted, making his way over to you. His hands were instantly around your middle, resting on your stomach while he pressed a kiss to your cheek.

 “About the baby,” she smiled.

 “You know it. This kid is going to be a badass, just like his mom.”

 “His? You think it’s going to be a boy?” you questioned.

 “Yes I do.”

 “Funny enough, I think so too.”

 You helped Mary carry the dishes to the table, John and Sam joining you in the dining room. Sam distributed the plates on the table while you grabbed some spoons from the kitchen. The whole house smelled amazing. You couldn’t help but feel thankful for the family you had.

 -----------------

 You and Dean headed to bed a little later than you usually did. His parents were sharing old memories they had when both of the boys were younger. Some of the stories you had heard before, others were brand new to you. You enjoyed listening to them go on about how adorable each of their sons were as kids. You even piped in and shared your own stories about your own childhood which was nice. You hadn’t really shared much about your life before Dean with his parents and they seemed to really enjoy it, Dean too.

 The second the door closed, Dean’s hands were all over you, his lips on yours. You knew where this was headed, you could tell with the way his lips moved with yours and the way he held your body.

 “Dean, your parents are downstairs,” you muttered against his lips.

 “Yeah, my parents are drunk downstairs. If they hear anything, they probably won’t remember in the morning,” he grinned. “You have no idea how much I want you.” You reached down, your hand palming over the bulge in his pants. He definitely wanted you alright.

 Clothes were shed quickly, thrown across the room in an attempt to speed up the process. Your bra was on the floor in an instant. His boxers were thrown over by his closet, your panties joining them. Your back hit the mattress, Dean coming down on top of you, spreading your legs to fit him between them. His lips attacking your neck, your hand carding through his hair. You could feel the tip of his cock pressed against your entrance.

 Your hand reached between your bodies, taking Dean’s hard length in your hand, stroking him slowly, earning a delicious groan from his lips. “Y/N, fuck,” he whispered. You lined him up with your entrance, his eyes watching your every move.

 “Please, Dean,” you muttered. Your fingertip trailing up along his side, all the way back up to his chest. He nodded, licking his lips before pushing himself into your pussy, your walls stretching to accommodate his size. He let out a breathy moan the second he was fully sheath inside of you.

 “We still gotta be quiet, babe. Don’t want anyone walking in on us,” he hummed. He positioned himself on his elbows, so his body weight wasn’t resting on your stomach. He pulled out, almost all the way before thrusting back in you, effectively making you cry out. His lips were on yours in an instant, keeping you quiet.

 Your hands stayed cupped to his cheeks, holding him gently in place while he pushed into you over and over. You rolled your hips to match his slow thrusts. You relished in the feeling of him filling you up, over and over again.

 It didn’t take long for that familiar burn to appear in your core. Dean thrusted into you at the perfect angle, hitting your sweet spot each time. “Faster Dean.”

 “Fuck baby, I’m so close,” he mumbled.

 He picked up the pace alright. Both of you were panting and moaning as quietly as you could. His hand reached down and rubbed your clit, sending you over the edge in an instant. Your walls clenched around him, bringing him to his own orgasm. Pleasure coursed through your body, your legs shaking around him. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, muffling his moans as he spilled himself inside you.

 He pulled out of you, reaching to the floor for his shirt. He clean you off with the soft material before doing the same with himself. The two of you quickly settled into the bed, his arm pulling you close to him.

 “Well, we can scratch that off the bucket list,” he chuckled.

 “You sound so sexy when you come,” you confessed, trying to repress your smile.

 “You look sexier when you come,” he laughed. He placed a kiss to your cheek, pulling you in tighter. The two of you drifted off not long after that.

---------------------------

 “Y/N, come here!” Dean called out. You sighed, carefully getting up from the bed. You swung your legs over the edge of the bed, your feet hitting the carpet before heading down the hall where you knew Dean was.

 “Dean, I am thirty-six and a half weeks pregnant. I’m exhausted, my feet hurt, and your son won’t stop kicking,” you stated.

 “H-he’s kicking?” Dean stuttered. Every time the baby kicked or moved, he was always gone. He was either at work, or on a grocery run. It always happened when he was out of the house and it really upset him. You nodded your head, taking his hand and placing it on your huge stomach. The baby kicked instantly. Dean dropped to his knees, tears filled his eyes. “Hi baby. Daddy’s here. I love you.” He peppered your stomach with kisses, a single tear slipping down his cheek, your own sprang to your eyes at the sight of him

 “I love you, Dean.”

 “Words can’t describe how much I love you, both of you.”

 “So what did you need us for?” you questioned.

 “Right. I finished the room, in case you didn’t already notice. Is this okay? Do you like where everything is?” he inquired.

 When you and Dean found out you were having a boy, you were both ecstatic. You both knew it was going to be a boy, and you hoped for a son. You and Dean agreed on painting his room a light green. It certainly seemed to brighten the room. Dean had placed the crib farther away from the window, in the corner. There were two chairs set up on the other side, along with a bookshelf filled with some baby books. There was a dresser filled with clothes and a small basket with some baby toys.

 “The room is perfect, Dean,” you smiled. “Absolutely perfect.”

 It was the beginning of May and you were in a lot of discomfort. The baby was due in a week and you couldn’t wait any longer. You desperately wanted him out of you and in your arms. Sleeping comfortably was difficult, cuddling with Dean was impossible. Your feet were so swollen.

 Dean was trying to spend as much time at home with you as possible. He cooked dinner for the two of you, along with helping you clean and get comfortable. You swore you were never going through this again. One kid would be enough for the two of you. Dean only smiled, agreeing with every word that came out of your mouth.

 All in all, it hadn’t been a bad pregnancy in your opinion. You were really sick in the beginning, but you weren’t as hormonal as you expected to be. Nothing more than you would be before your period. Dean had been super supportive. You couldn’t have picked a better guy to have a kid with.

 You were headed back to the bedroom. You were going to rest up a little in hopes you could stay up and watch a movie with Dean a little later. The second you climbed on the bed, you felt something wet between your legs, something wetter than usual.

 “DEAN!” you shouted. He was there almost instantly, panic evident on his face.

 “Babe?”

“I think it’s time!”

Where It All Began Tags

@theelishad @fangirl131996 @abby-ackles @beautifulfound @caitsymichelle13 @chelseypaigeake @lilo-and-stitch-love @gracieliz03 @carryonmywaywardballs @andtheraincamefalling @mrsamerica16 @destiny14444 @angel-allie-winchester @theskytraveler @deanscherrypie @that1seniorchick @sodamerons @crystal0bware @c00lbr33z3y @iroa26 @dragonmaster13 @claire7475 @belfiore94 @fellypepper @randomrainbowzebra @shaywarrix @jfk-is-the-bae @jencharlan @hasta-impalasta @imthatphotographynerdblr @supernatural508 @deanfuckingwinchesterrr @imagine-the-imaginable @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @dancingalone21 @deansbaekaz2y5 @sympathyforluci @deanislife67 @busybee612 @siniistuff @that1awkwardfangirl @deya-supernatural @67idjit-impala @spnbabyabgelpieimpala01 @cass-xxo @throughmyeyes4you2see @prokmoriarty13 @zoeelizabeth15 @margaritafid @joseyrw @deanbowlegsackles @escapiingeverythiing @omgreganlove @purplepalmblue @toxictori27 @im-a-light-child @yaya-snowflakes @nicolealexisxx @ackleholic-hunter @gbuttry @anythingaboutwhatever @jpadjackles @chickenmcsade @clarewinchester @winchestdiaries @angelbabymed @ravenclawpirate @thisistheonly-nameleft @anokhi07 @waywardjoy @satans--wife @spn-4-eva @bakabozza @ams-2004 @alexafromthefandom @laurenisnot @xfanqirlinq @letsgetyourdeanon  @angelwingsandsupernaturalthings @skathan-omaha @betterlattethennever @quiddy-writes @savetheimpalaridedean @iamabeautifulperson18 @supernaturalyobessed @lizmalfoywayland @chaos-and-the-calm67 @timetraveltothe1920s @annadier

Still a few spots left!

[ficdirectory]

Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31

THEN

Monday, September 10, 2007

Missing: 3 days

A memory:  Josh was little.  Maybe four.  Mom (his real Mom, Ana) was there, but she wasn’t.  Her friends, too.  He and Mari try to get food, but they get yelled at.  Hit.  Sent outside.  Even at night.  Even in the rain.

He blinked.  Looked around.  It was so dark, Josh wasn’t sure if it was day or night.  There were no windows to tell him.  No clocks.  It smelled wet and gross, but mixed with laundry soap.  Sometimes, he could see the deer head on the wall, if the light was on at the top of the stairs.  The deer was creepy and dead.  There was a mini fridge but it just had beer in it.  Sometimes, Josh wanted a beer so bad because he was thirsty.  He knew it was wrong but swallowing his spit wasn’t working.  There were a bunch of boxes like a wall and Josh wondered what was in them.  What was behind them.  (The washer and dryer and what else?)  There was a bucket for a toilet.  There was the mattress in the corner.  There was the music on loud enough to hurt his ears.

And there was him.  And the pole.  And the chains.  And the tape.  He tried screaming,  Tried fighting.  But nothing happened.  And He was gone.  And Josh hated being alone.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Missing: 1 week

Lena rolled over and had three seconds where everything was normal.  Where she was sure it was a regular Friday where she would drive the kids to school.  Where she and Stef would go to work.  Where they would have family movie night.  It was Jesus’s turn to pick the movie.

Jesus.

Missing.

God.

Tears welled in Lena’s eyes as she opened them.  She saw the empty space Stef had occupied was currently filled by Mariana.  Over the last week, their daughter had fallen apart.  She could not sleep alone in her room.  Had nightmares.  Regressed in other ways.

Therapy, which had gone down to once a week for both Mariana and Jesus, post adoption, was now three times a week, and Mariana mostly sat the whole time.  She refused to open up.  (Though she was plenty open at home, and threw impressive ranting fits over not wanting to go to school, eat dinner, or go to sleep.)

Lena thought she understood, but she also knew Mariana needed routine and predictability.  She needed an education.

(She needed her brother.)

At least they were able to live in their house again.  Lena appreciated Sharon’s hospitality, but constantly felt underfoot until law enforcement said what Lena already knew:  There was no evidence of a crime here.  No evidence Jesus had ever made it home that day.

Checking the time, Lena shook Mariana’s shoulder.  “Up and at ‘em, love,” she said gently, shaking Mariana’s shoulder.

Mariana opened her eyes, and burst into tears.

Lena tried for patience.  She’d had the same reaction moments ago.  She pulled Mariana into her arms, even when she fought.

“It’s not fair!” she wailed.  “I didn’t want to wake up!”

“I know,” Lena soothed, stroking Mariana’s hair.

“What?” Brandon said, breathless.  He stopped in the doorway of the bedroom, looking startled, and on alert for any signs of distress.  He had his backpack on already.  Ready to go.

“Get out!” Mariana screamed.

“Hey.  Easy,” Lena reprimanded.  “B, it’s fine.  If you wait, I can give you a ride to school.”

“Oh.  I called Dad.  He’s picking me up.”

“Okay,” Lena answered.  “Love you.”

“Bye.”

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Missing: 15 days

Stef barely slept.  

The hours she was supposed to, she laid awake, wondering where Jesus was.  All the places he could be.  They got more and more devastating as the hours passed: he was in trouble and scared to come home, he was at Ana’s (even though she had been cleared), he was being kept against his will.  He was somewhere, dead, even though Mom had insisted that would never happen to them.

She got out of bed while it was still dark, nearly tripping over Mariana, in her sleeping bag on the floor.  Stef scooped her up and tucked her into bed beside Lena.  She dressed in the dark and stopped by B’s room to kiss him goodbye.

He jerked awake: “Are you going?  I should call Dad.”

“Lena is here.  Your dad is going to be out with me, but we will text you with any news, okay?” Stef whispered.

“Can’t I help?  I know stuff you guys don’t.  Like where he hangs out.  I know I can find him if you just let me try.”

“Love, we’ve checked the beaches and the playgrounds, okay?  We checked Cucina, in case he hitched a ride there for pizza.  We called his friends.”

Brandon’s face fell.  Then, just as quickly, he looked hopeful:  “What about his bio mom?  Or dad?  Do you guys know anything about them?”

“Their birth mom has an alibi that checked out.  Their birth dad’s in jail.”

“For kidnapping?”  Brandon’s eyes are wide.

“No, love, for other things.  Listen, I love you very much and I love that you want to help, but the best thing for me is to know that you are safely where you should be today.  So text me when you get to school.”  Stef bent down to kiss his forehead.

“I made you a lunch.  It’s in the fridge next to mine and Mariana’s.”

“You don’t have to do that, love, but thank you.” Stef smiled.

“No big deal.  I’m used to it.”

It hit Stef as she was driving to today’s search site, exactly what B meant:  he was used to making three lunches.  One for him.  One for Mariana.  And one for Jesus.  With Jesus gone, Brandon couldn’t bring himself to just make two.

She wiped her eyes, parked the car and greeted all the volunteers who turned up to search.  Even this early on a Monday morning, they still had a good turnout.  So, even though Stef’s stomach had yet to truly settle since hearing the news, she put on a brave face.  Smiled.

“Thanks for coming out, Chris,” she said, recognizing the man whose mom brought TV dinners that night.  He came to visit her about once a week, despite the long commute from LA.

“Of course,” he said, sending her a sad smile.  He pinned on a button on his shirt, showing Jesus’s fourth grade picture.  HAVE YOU SEEN ME was typed below his face.  “I’m real sorry, Stef,” he said.  “But we’ll find him.”

“Thank you,” Stef nodded, and took a deep breath.  She needed to look for her son.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Missing: 2 weeks and 2 days

When the music shut off, Josh froze.  He was back.  Josh had no idea how long it had been, but it felt like forever.  Josh had eaten all the pizza He couldn’t finish the last time He was here.  (One piece.)  Finished the bottle of water.

Josh felt dirty.  Wanted a shower almost more than he wanted sleep.  Or food.  Or light.

The bare lightbulb clicked on and blinded Josh.  It stabbed his eyeballs.  He closed his eyes against the pain.

Even though Josh hated it when they went to the mattress, he was also freezing and hurting.  The mattress was kind of soft.  And He was warm at least.  Josh was disappeared a million miles away when his hair is yanked.

“I said, ‘Hey Dumbass.  Ask me what I did this weekend?’”

“What did you do this weekend?” Josh asked in a voice as dead as the creepy deer head on the wall.

He smiled.  “I searched for some little brat from San Diego.  Talked to his mom.  Ate donuts and soup.  Oh, they fed us real good.”

Undoing something from His shirt, He dropped it on Josh’s chest.

Josh didn’t breathe.  Stared at the ceiling.  Spelled with his leg-marker.

“PICK IT UP!” He screamed.

Josh felt his body jolt.  Started shaking.  But he obeyed.  Picked up the thing in trembling hands and squinted at it.  

In the bad light, Josh can just make out the face.  The pieces click together as He goes back to doing Something Else, like He is making up for all the lost time.  

He had searched for Jesus?  For him?  He had talked to Stef?  Josh’s heart beat faster.  It was like he was frozen afraid.

The picture squeezed in his hand.  (Had she held it, too?)  

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

Josh’s fingers opened.  It clattered to the floor.

[envydeanwrites]

Never In Fact Homeless

SUPERNATURAL PROMPT CHALLENGE | envydean Prompt: Disgust Pairing: Dean/Cas Word Count: 2,339 Tags/Warnings: AU, kinda wiawsnb verse ish, Mary is alive, homophobia, hurt/comfort, caring!Dean, hurt!Cas, angst, with a happy ending, fluff, secret relationship

[AO3]

“Is there anyone you’d like to bring to the family dinner next week, Castiel?” Castiel’s mother asked.

Castiel leant against the kitchen counter, a glass of water in his hand. He eyed her warily, waiting for her to ask about a girlfriend. Castiel shrugged. If he got his way he’d bring Dean with him, at least he wouldn’t have to suffer another family meal alone and being taunted for not having a girlfriend. His older brothers called him a freak, told him there was something wrong with him because he was eighteen and had never had a girlfriend.

In some respects it was true, he’d never had a girlfriend but that was a different kettle of fish that he was never telling his family about, not willingly. He’d be ridiculed further and no doubt be thrown out.

He had, however, been in a relationship and was still in one. How he’d managed to keep it secret for the past year, he’d never know.

“Can I bring Dean?” Castiel ventured. It wasn’t the first time he’d asked to bring his ‘friend’ to a dinner and it sure as hell wouldn’t be the last. It was dangerous to ask continuously, there was no doubt his mother would eventually work out their relationship with one another.

“How many times have I told you this, Castiel? You cannot bring that boy over here. He’s a bad influence as it is. I will not have him tainting this household.” A bad influence meant he lived downtown and had a small house with a single mother who wasn’t all that well off, oh and that she blatantly disproved of Dean’s lifestyle choice.

God, if only his mother knew about his own lifestyle choice.

“You should bring that Amelia girl back here, you’re always round her house. She seems very nice.” Castiel blinked at her. Amelia was his lie. Amelia existed of course, she’d even asked him out once until he explained he was gay. They’d remained good friends and he studied at her house when he wasn’t with Dean. When Cas told her about Dean and about his parents, she’d instantly jumped at the chance to help him keep the secret.

“She’s away this weekend. Dean’s around though.” Castiel explained.

“Hmm, that’s odd, I was talking to her father yesterday. They didn’t mention they were going away.” Naomi gave him a pointed look and Castiel blanched before gripping his glass tightly, trying not to drop it. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

Castiel shook his head. He fumbled as he put the glass on the counter, missing entirely. It dropped to the floor with a resonating smash and glass scattered everywhere.

“Shit!” Castiel hissed. Mistake.

“Watch your language, young man. Is there something you need to tell me?” Naomi’s voice was stern as she advanced towards him with a dark look in her eyes.

Castiel had nowhere to go. It was obvious that she knew about him.

“You and Dean... you’re...” his mother turned her nose up at him. “together! You disgust me.”

Castiel felt a lump form in his throat, a sting behind his eyes trying to force tears.

“No… it not like that.” Castiel tried. He knew it wouldn’t be of any use, his mother knew and that would be it.

“It’s not like that? Oh, then how is it like?” She asked spitefully.

“I – we’re…” Castiel’s voice gave up on him and that was the end of it.

“Get out of this house!” She hissed. Castiel didn’t move – couldn’t move. “Get out!” his mother repeated. It’d be a hard pass if he could even call her that anymore.

Suddenly, like he’d been catapulted from a slingshot, he could move again and he ran upstairs and dumped some favoured possessions into a falling apart rucksack. Slipping on his shoes without socks, Castiel dashed out the door. No time to think, just pack and go.

Where to was an entirely different question. He breathed hard as he got to the end of his driveway. Looking back up at the house he’d grown up in tore something within him and made his stomach ache and tears drip down his cheeks.

Where were his brothers been when Naomi had turned her back on him? Why hadn’t they defended him? Gabriel would have. How could his own mother be so cold and shunning? It wasn’t supposed to be like that. He wondered how long she'd known, whether she had been waiting for Castiel to fuck up. Castiel sniffed and wiped his eyes and began to walk towards town.

Passing shops that weren’t even open on the frosty Sunday morning, he shot off a text to his boyfriend asking if he could come over. He doubted Dean would even be up at this hour but decided a knock on the door would be a good idea anyway.

Dean didn’t live far away from the high street and he was there before he knew it. Just thinking about Dean made tears come to his eyes – his mother had thought so little of Dean and she barely knew him.

Castiel lightly knocked on their door and was eventually greeted by a sleepy-eyed Mary. She was still wearing a dressing gown and held a cup of coffee in her hands.

“Cas? What are you doing here?”

Castiel breathed in and out mechanically, trying to calm himself. How could he even explain to her what had happened? The last thing he wanted right now was to cry in front of his boyfriend’s mother.

“Mrs. Winchester, I…” the lump was back in his throat and he forced it away as best he could. “My mom… she found out. I… she -” Mary engulfed him in a hug after setting her mug down on the table beside the door.

Tears were set free then and he sobbed silently into Mary’s fluffy dressing gown. He felt as Mary’s hand soothed through his hair and she whispered kind words to him.

Eventually, Cas pulled back and looked up at Mary who had a small smile on her face, gentle, kind and warming – the polar opposite to his own mother. She took him into the kitchen and poured him a generous mug and topped it off with sugar and cream to Cas’ quiet request.  

She sat opposite him, her own mug refilled. “What happened Cas?”

“She threw me out.” Castiel told her blandly. He cupped his cold hands around the flowery mug, warming them slowly.

“She didn’t know about you and Dean, did she?” Mary said sadly.

Castiel shook his head and sighed into his coffee. He drained the last of his coffee and scrubbed his face with his hand. Upon doing so he realised it was a peculiar habit he’d picked up from Dean. He’d seen him doing it repeatedly during their high school exams and must have picked it up. He chuckled a little and Mary patted him on the shoulder.

“You think it’s a good thing that she knows now?” Castiel wondered, head tilting in question. Mary’s eyes softened.

“I can’t say, Cas. I’m sorry. What I do know that Dean’s probably still sleeping upstairs, but you’re more than welcome to go up and see him. Tell him I’m making bacon and pancakes for breakfast.”

Castiel gave Mary one last hug before picking up his backpack and heading up the stairs to see Dean. He treaded quietly and opened up Dean’s door without knocking.

Dropping his backpack on the floor, he shed his hoodie in Dean’s sun warmed room. Dean was tangled in his bed sheets, sprawled out on his stomach and face smushed ungracefully into his pillow. He was beautiful and if Castiel could stay in this moment forever, he was sure that all his problems would disappear.

“Hey, Dean.” Cas said quietly as he knelt on the end of Dean’s bed. Awkwardly, he laid down next to Dean in the single bed and draped his arm over Dean’s back.

Dean shifted slightly at the presence of someone else in the room before shuffling closer towards Cas.

“Cas?” Dean grumbled. Cas doubted that Dean was actually awake and was only aware of him being there by instinct. It wasn’t the first time they’d shared a bed.  

“Yeah?”

“Go back t’ sleep, ‘stoo early...” He told him, voice sleep slurred.

Castiel kicked off his jeans as gently as possible and tucked himself into the covers beside Dean. They’d was gloriously warm and Castiel breathed steadily until he felt his eyes drooping, exhaustion from the morning taking him over.

“Fuck, Cas, why’re you so cold.” Dean pulled him closer, back to chest, looping an arm over him and under Cas’ t-shirt. Dean’s hand was warm and comforting and he relaxed his tense muscles.

“It doesn’t matter; I’ll warm up soon.” Cas told him, he felt the tears again. He hated this – he knew his mother would hate him for being himself, he knew and yet he was still upset, it was stupid. Castiel sniffed and let out a shuddering breath.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was soft and more awake. The arm around him pulled tighter, squeezing him against Dean like a lifeline. For a few moments, nothing happened, Castiel quietened himself down and Dean kept holding on tight. Cas hoped that Dean never let go, feared that Dean letting him go would let all his emotions out as well.

And then Dean let go.

Castiel didn’t move, but gripped onto Dean’s hand like it was all he had, screwing his eyes up and hoping the tears would stay at bay.

He heard as Dean sat up behind him, felt as the covers dropped away and left him cool. Dean’s hand soothing the hand he was holding onto and the other through his hair.

“What happened, Cas?” Dean asked close to Cas’ ear, keeping his voice low as he let Cas hang on to him. Whatever it was that was hurting him, was hurting him badly and all Dean wanted was to comfort him.

There was a devastated sob and Dean pulled Cas into his arms with a desperate ease. Cas’ face was red from crying. Dean held him close, pressing tiny kisses to Cas’ neck.

“It’s okay, Cas… It’s okay… I’m right here, alright.” Dean soothed. Without knowing the problem, it was hard to help him and Dean felt helpless.

“S’not alright. Not okay.” Castiel said, voice muffled by Dean’s arm. Castiel was disgusting and it wasn’t okay. He scrambled from Dean’s arms and sat up, knees drawn to his chest as far away from Dean as he could get without moving off the bed. “I’m... I’m...”

“Whatever negative thing you’re about to say, stop. You’re awesome, Cas, and handsome and smart. You’re the best boyfriend ever, okay?” Dean interjected. He crowded Castiel and rubbed his cold arms, anything to comfort him. “Cas... look at me, Cas.” Dean asked.

Dean waited patiently and it took a lot of effort on Castiel’s part to look at Dean, to look at the sad smile on his face and the eyes that were greener than anything he’d painted. He recalled the forgotten black and white sketches he kept under his mattress – Dean’s eyes, his face, his body both clothed and not – he hated that his mother would find them, probably burn them to condemn them to Hell too.

“There we go, now I can see your beautiful blue eyes.” He whispered. Dean drew his thumbs across Castiel’s cheeks, wiping away the tears. He pressed a kiss to Cas’ forehead, warm and gentle.

Castiel shuddered with new tears but they stopped as so quick as they started as Dean tucked a finger under his chin. Castiel really was beautiful and he didn’t tell him enough. “I love you so much, Cas.” Dean’s voice was quiet still.

“I love you, too, Dean.” Castiel’s voice was thick. “Your mom said she was making pancakes this morning.”

“Well then, sounds like we need to get downstairs then.” Dean grinned and Castiel gave him a small smile. Mary’s pancakes were the fluffiest and the sweetest pancakes Castiel had ever tasted and he was looking forward to eating them.

He was suddenly exhausted from the onslaught of emotion but he followed Dean off the bed and to the bathroom down the hall. Dean sat him on the side of the bathtub and wet one of his old flannels that had a kid’s design on before gently wiping over Castiel’s face.

“I’m not a child...” Castiel grumbled lightheartedly.

Dean chuckled, rinsing the cloth under the warm water once more. He dabbed the cloth over Castiel’s face, the redness from tears being replaced with the warmth of the cloth. “I know that. I’m just helping. Did mom say anything about bacon?” Dean asked, changing the subject.

“She may have done,” Castiel saw as Dean’s eyes lit up.

“Yes!” Dean cheered. He cupped his hands round Castiel’s cheeks and kissed him on the lips. Castiel smiled and ducked his head, amused. “C’mon, Cas!”

They headed hand in hand downstairs, Castiel being pulled along excitedly by Dean who obviously couldn’t wait for the beloved pancakes. Mary was at the frying pan when they got down, obviously having heard them heading downstairs.

Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and one for Cas too. Mary set a stack of three pancakes in front of Cas topped with three slices of bacon.

“Thank you,” Cas said. A carafe of maple syrup was on the table and Cas almost drowned his pancakes in it. He never got this at home so he always indulged himself before... before he had to go back. Except he wouldn’t go back. He didn’t have a home or a family anymore.

A wave of grief washed over him and his hand loosened on his fork, nearly dropping it.

“Thanks mom,” Cas heard Dean say and then there was a firm, but looking hand on his shoulder. He looked up to Mary’s kind face and he knew he wasn’t homeless.  He’d always have a home with Dean.

TAG LIST:

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Still About Family, 'Supernatural' 1214: The Raid

After that Supernatural gaffe with Gavin, Crowley’s son in the last episode, we have another noteworthy thing going with this season’s 14th episode aptly entitled The Raid. The question is who raids who? And how will both brothers take the bomb mother Mary dropped in the previous ep? Enjoy the forthcoming recap unless you haven’t seen the ep yet, (unfortunately for some, the current season) and don’t enjoy us spoiling the fun, skip the article, bookmark this page, watch the show and come back and visit. The episode begins in the bunker where mom is explaining to Sam and Dean why she’s working for the British Men of Letters. This immediately picks up from the previous episode and from the previous article, I hoped that the boys would be more receptive of their mother’s decision. We all know how vindictive Dean can be when someone close makes a mistake and how Sam acts as the calm voice. But in this case, Dean is angry as expected and Sam agrees after what Lady Toni did to him. Finding out that it’s been going on for months including the mission against Ramiel, Dean pins the blame of Castiel’s near death on Mary, not to mention Wally’s. Dean finally calls her out on her absence in death as well as in her new life, however illogical, but since Mary’s adamant on working with the BMOL instead of sticking with them, the boys throw their mom out even as far as Dean calling her by name. Ouch. The next scene takes us three days later to the British Men of Letters headquarters in the US. It’s quite surprising as many of us thought that there are at least two BMOL operatives (Mick and Ketch) in the US. The base looks impressive reminiscent of another organization in another supernatural-based show; the Initiative in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Guess this author got his wish to see an organized tech-rich group of people hunting down the supernatural. Back to Mary, she looks at her phone and her three days-worth of unanswered texts to her boys. Ketch reports to Mick about another boring successful mission to terminate vampires. Mick is more interested in getting all the Winchesters working for the BMOL to which Ketch disagrees. Mick explains that their superiors want the boys onboard in order to entice the rest of America’s hunters to work for them. Next morning, Dean is itching for a case to work on in order to help him cut loose. After a long time, in the series, Dean finally talks about his issues when asked and they talk about why Mary chose to work with the BMOL. Sam tries to make sense of it while Dean remains hurt and stubborn. He calls Sam out on always being the middle guy and forces him to solidly choose sides. Dean leaves, and Sam reads the text message from Mary he hid from Dean. Mary is calling for an urgent meetup. Sam arrives at the BMOL headquarters to meet with Mary. Mary explains the mission and why she took it. Without monsters to hunt, the boys can finally live normal lives as they should have and as their mother, she took it upon herself to help the BMOL succeed. She lets him in and shows him around. Mick welcomes him and lets him in on the vampire eradication mission they’ve been working on. Dean arrives in the bunker to find an absent Sam and absent drinks. Ketch shows up bearing premium scotch while the rest of the BMOL contacts him in vain. Back at HQ, like any other meeting, it begins with introductions. Mick introduces Pierce, a hunter at Baton Rouge, Alton head of RnD and Serena, head of security. They discuss the eradication of all vampire nests in the Midwestern Region all except for one nest which they intend to raid. Sam seems impressed with their success. The BMOL intend to eradicate all vampires in the US up to the alpha which has not been seen since season 7. In the next scene, we see a female vampire refugee from a dead nest get taken in by the remaining one. The nest leader says that the nest is a fortress and can’t easily be entered until the alpha vampire shows up. We next see Ketch chatting it up with Dean while they drink his scotch. Ketch states his feelings about the brothers and Toni and tells Dean that he’d fit quite well in the BMOL through their commonly shared killer instincts. Ketch decides to leave and tells Dean about the vampires he’s about to kill which catches Dean’s interest. Ketch takes Dean to the Morest Hotel which the others were supposed to raid, but they only find the female vampire refugee. The nest actually went after the BMOL HQ. Ketch beats up the female vampire to get the others’ location instead of quickly killing her. Dean couldn’t take it and stops Ketch and promises the vampire a quick death. She tells them what’s going on and they quickly head there. The BMOL also discover the attack and lock the base down, but the vampires force themselves in. Sam and Mary manage to capture one while the others spread out. The nest leader tells them that the alpha led them to the base. According to BMOL intel, the alpha is in Morocco, but Sam says otherwise as we know he’s in the US and gave the boys his blood to stop the Leviathans. After killing the vamp, they discuss on how to defend themselves. Except for Pierce and Ketch, no one in HQ has any killing experience including Mick. Due to a lack of weapons and the need to kill the alpha, Mick was forced to take out the Colt Mary stole from Ramiel. Sam seemed appalled at Mary but focuses on the task at hand. The Colt didn’t come with bullets, but Sam lists down the recipe to make them. While Mick makes the bullets, the hunters go to the armory for the anti-vampire device or AVD. Sam holds off the vamps while Pierce and Mary go for the device. Pierce suddenly shows up as Mick finishes the bullets, but it was a setup. Alton and Serena get killed, and the alpha arrives to threaten to kill Mick live as they open a channel to London to force the BMOL to stop their operation. Pierce was actually an agent of the alpha and fed the BMOL the wrong information. Just like Eve, the Mother of All, who was ticked off at Crowley and Samuel’s monster manhunt, the alpha vampire decided to step in because of all the dead vampires. So what happened to Mary? Sam finds Mary unconscious, knocked out by Pierce who destroys the AVD. Mary is okay, and they head back to Mick. Mary knocks out Pierce and Sam points the empty colt at the Alpha. Sam is aware the gun is still empty as Mick is holding one of the bullets while the alpha bluffs that the gun can’t kill him. He forces Sam to bargain for release. Sam bargains for himself and Mary and the alpha can have the rest of the BMOL. Mick gets angry and ‘attacks’ Sam but was actually passing the bullet on as Mary distracts the alpha. Sam makes the shot and kills the alpha. Mick looked devastated to see his dead staff. He confronts Ketch about his whereabouts and Ketch tells him that he was trying to convince Dean. Dean discovers Sam and Mary together but sets it aside as the only thing that mattered to him was getting to Mary. Dean and Mary settle their differences, and all seems well to them. Sam goes over to talk to Mick and says that he’s in, that the death of the alpha vampire was a significant win for the world, but it will take time to convince Dean. As described, this episode is quite big as Sam has taken the plunge to the BMOL with Mary. Dean may have reconciled with his mother but this time it’s Sam who’s keeping a secret. Probably not for long. Dean doesn’t really seem to mind the BMOL so much as he liked Ketch’s grenade launcher some time back and went out with Ketch to hunt. Dean will remain suspicious though as Ketch seemed sociopathic. Guess we’ll see some new dynamics in future episodes just like when Buffy joined The Initiative. This is probably a good mother’s day episode too. No matter how much mom pisses you off, it’s still mom who you love, have to talk to and even try to save in the end. Family is family. Also, Dean grows up a little in this episode by telling Mary his latent feelings, accepting that Mary is not the mother he was pining for as a child. That Mary is an adult, a hunter and as a real person who has her own life to live and not necessarily tied down to him and Sam. And as for Sam, he’s grown a bit too. It’s true that Sam’s character is often playing things safe, in character and also in dialogue. To be honest, I struggled to find notable quotes for Sam. And even though the brothers’ dynamics is near perfect, resulting in a long-running show, I find Sam’s character somewhat lacking in growth or just plainly complementing Dean’s character, and hardly the other way around. Way to prompt character growth by including it in the dialogue. Cas and Crowley are absent in this episode which is quite welcome as we need to focus more on the Winchesters. It can get difficult to juggle between several well-loved characters. This gives Mary more to do as several fans find her character stale and even questioning why the writers wrote her into Dean’s mind instead of John, for The Darkness to bring back. Well, we know John’s having the time of his life swinging a barbed bat. It’s also high time we got to know more about the British Men of Letters, and this is quite a revelation. Turns out they’re not as mighty as we know them and like everyone else, surprise can get the better of them. Overall, this is a good episode; I guess three and a half out of five.

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