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luci-in-trenchcoats · 4 years ago

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Strangers (Part 4)

Summary: Sam has returned into Dean’s life for some reason and the reader is there to try and help Dean through having Sam around again...

Masterlist

Pairing: Doctor!Dean x patient!reader

Word Count: 2,000ish

Warnings: language, mention of surgery/injury

A/N: I hope you enjoy!

____

“Hi,” said Sam, giving you a quick wave. He stared at Dean who was already on his feet. “I need a place to crash for the night. If that’s okay.”

“What happened to the apartment, you were sharing with that girl, Jessica.”

“She died a few years ago,” he said.

“You kill her?” asked Dean. You got up, still holding your box of swiss rolls and Sam frowned. “You’ve been out of touch for three years. It’s not an unreasonable question.”

“I didn’t kill her,” said Sam. “I saw...it was a serial arsonist. I saw who did it and he ran with a bad group. I’ve been in witness-”

“Witness protection? Are you serious? I’m the fucking easter bunny while we’re at it,” said Dean.

“De, I think he’s telling the truth,” you said, nodding towards him. “He’s obviously upset.”

“You’ve been in witness protection? This whole time?”

“Yes,” said Sam. “Things have been happening lately. A lot of things. These guys are no longer a problem so I can come home. Except for the fact I don’t have a home anymore and had to drop out of college.”

“I filed a missing persons report on you.”

“I know.”

“I hung up flyers, search parties, fundraisers.”

“I know.”

“I drove to the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night because I thought I got a tip about you.”

“That was me. I had to relocate after that.”

“I looked for you for so long. Even when mom and dad gave up, I didn’t. There was no foul play but the cops told us it was unlikely we’d ever find you. You probably walked out and didn’t want to be found. I was so angry at you. They told us you were dead cause someone hurt you or you walked away. Those are two very different things,” said Dean. You dropped the box on the couch and grabbed his hand, Dean pinching his nose with his other.

“I can leave if you want,” said Sam.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” said Dean. You rubbed his back and he walked over, giving his brother a hug.

“Finally got a girlfriend?” teased Sam as he returned it.

“You two are gonna get along great. You can swap stories,” laughed Dean. “Oh, I need a drink. Also how’d you get in my house?”

“My handler had a key made. They took it from your locker at the hospital,” he said.

“Lovely.”

“I know it sounds…” said Sam as he glanced at you.

“Crazy is kind of our thing,” you said. “I’m Y/N.”

“You look familiar,” he said.

“My ex boyfriend tried to kill me. With bleach. In my drink.”

“Oh yeah. He was fucking nuts,” said Sam.

“Yup. That’s been our fun for the evening,” you said. “He got out. He’s dead now. It’s fine. Better than fine cause I’m gonna eat a whole box of swiss rolls and not feel bad about that.”

“Yeah, I will get along with you just fine,” said Sam, giving Dean a look. “Not sure about you though. I wanted to-”

“S’okay,” he said. “I’m just...happy you don’t hate me after all.”

“I wanted to call you so many times. It was too dangerous though. I couldn’t put you in that position,” said Sam.

“I’m getting kind of used to that,” said Dean. Sam smiled and you walked over to them both.

“I crashed date night, didn’t I,” he said.

“Just a bit,” said Dean.

“Well I am really happy to meet Dean’s little brother,” you said, giving him a hug. “You don’t mind if Sam hangs out with us, right?”

“No, never. As long as you’re cool with it,” said Dean.

“Of course,” you said.

“I appreciate it but honestly I’m wrecked. I could use with a shower and a bed,” said Sam.

“The guest room is right down the hall,” said Dean, pointing the way. “You hungry?”

“Nah. I’ll keep out of your guys hair,” said Sam. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem,” said Dean. Sam started to head for the hallway when Dean grabbed his arm. “I’m really happy you’re home, Sammy.”

“Me too.”

He smiled before he left, Dean taking a deep breath as he locked up the front door again.

“So you got a brother,” you said.

“Yeah. I probably should have brought him up at some point,” said Dean. You shrugged and rested your hands on his hips, Dean smiling softly. “I thought he was dead.”

“I’m glad he’s not,” you said. “I’m gonna have to back out on the being roommates thing though.”

“What?” he asked.

“Sam needs it way more than I do. I can stick around my parents until my apartment is ready. Seriously, it’s okay. He’s gonna need a lot of help. Trust me. He’s gonna want you,” you said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. My parents aren’t that bad. Someday we can be roommates though?” you said.

“Okay. I’ll take a raincheck for now,” he smiled.

“Tonight’s not so bad,” you said. He nodded and you pulled him close to your body, Dean’s arms wrapping lazily around you. “You doing okay?”

“I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, the most terrified I’ve ever been in my life and the most relieved I’ve ever been in my life tonight. I honestly don’t know where to begin,” said Dean.

“I got a box of chocolate with your name on it that might be a good place to start.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” he said. “You okay too?”

“My night’s ending on a good note. I’m good Dean. Let’s get back to our date. I was in the middle of cuddling you if I remember.”

One Week Later

“Howdy handsome,” you said, the elevator doors at the hospital opening to Dean standing there in his navy scrubs.

“Gorgeous,” he said, giving you a quick kiss as he stepped on. “You already have your follow up with Mace?”

“Yeah. I am progressing well I guess. We’re switching my immunosuppressant to try something that doesn’t make me as tired and won’t make me as susceptible to illness,” you said.

“That’s good. I know you’re on the strong stuff right now. Mace is pretty good about finding the right med combo by the second or third try,” he said. “Transplant meds are tricky.”

“I’ve learned. How’s your day going?” you asked. “Saving lives?”

“Easy going day. Took out some tonsils on a teenager, did an appendectomy on a toddler, did a bone reset on a kid that broke her leg. Nothing they won’t all recover from 100% percent.”

“That sounds good,” you said. “When do you get off?”

He snickered and you whacked his arm.

“Such a boy,” you said.

“I have one more surgery for the day but I’m heading home after that. Our parents are coming into town. They’ve been in Florida cause their vacation plans got screwed up with the pandemic last year so they rescheduled and of course it’s this week and there’s tropical storms so they can’t get a flight out and they finally are getting home today. It’s been a nightmare. I’m supposed to cook dinner so that’ll go wonderfully.”

“You’re a good cook!” you said as the doors opened and you walked with him down the hall. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. They excited to see Sam?”

“Yeah. They feel bad about...they thought he was dead. Like it hasn’t been long enough to legally declare him that way but they were going to. I’ve always had a somewhat tense relationship with my dad. We fought a lot about Sam after he disappeared.”

“I think no matter what happened before, dinner’s gonna go good for you guys tonight,” you said.

“You’re coming right?” he asked.

“You want me to?”

“Yeah. I...you make me feel...safe,” he said as he stopped walking. You smiled and grabbed his hand, lacing your fingers together. “You don’t have-”

“I’d love to. I really like Sam and I want to be there for you. I like that I make you feel safe, makes me feel good,” you said. He rubbed the back of his neck but you caught the smile on his face. You gave him another kiss, a whistle coming from further down the hall.

“Get a room, Winchester,” said a guy as he walked by with a laugh.

“Better be a soundproof room,” you said, the guy stopping in his tracks.

“Okay, I approve of this one,” the guy chuckled. Dean rolled his eyes but he was biting down a laugh.

“Y/N, this is RN. Lafetite or Benny as well call him. He’s Donna’s boyfriend,” said Dean.

“Oh yeah, she was great,” you said. “She removed my appendix.”

“That woman knows her way around a blade,” said Benny. “You had the digestive transplant done a while ago, right?”

“Yeah,” you said, Dean making a face beside you.

“Badass,” said Benny. “I worked with Mace some on you.”

“You’re a surgeon too?” you asked.

“No, no. I’m a surgical nurse,” he said.

“They’re pretty important,” said Dean. “The really good ones could perform minor surgeries themselves like Ben. I keep trying to convince Benny here to go to med school and join the rest of us.”

“Oh you know you’d miss me too much, Deano. You me and Novak are the dream team of pediatrics,” he said.

“Sure we are,” said Dean with a laugh. “Y/N and I were having a little get together on Sunday, watch a little football, food. Round up the usual suspects?”

“I can get the crew together. I’ll bring my beer dip and some of those pretzels. Very easy on the digestive system,” said Benny to you.

“That’s considerate,” you said. “It’s okay. I’m alright with most stuff. I just got to watch the grease a bit.”

“These are really not greasy at all. I’ll give you the recipe sometime,” said Benny as his phone went off. “I think we’re late for pre-op.”

“When are we not?” said Dean. “I’ll see you tonight, sweetheart.”

“See you later, Dean.”

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” said Dean that night as he rushed in the house. You and Sam were working the kitchen, Dean checking the clock. “They’re gonna be here in five minutes.”

“Go wash up. Sam and I can cook a few pieces of chicken and make mashed potatoes,” you said. You were nearly finished anyways, the chicken baking away in the oven. Dean made a thud down the hall but shouted back that he was fine before you heard the bathroom door shut. “He always been a worrier?”

“Pretty much,” said Sam as he got out the plates. “He seems different. Good different. More easy going.”

“It’s all I’ve ever known from him so I don’t have much to go off of,” you said.

“You might have something to do with it,” he said. He smiled and finished up with setting the table. “You’ve never met our parents Dean said.”

“No. We’ve only been together a few months,” you said.

“This’ll be an interesting evening then,” said Sam as the doorbell rang. He suddenly looked nervous and you rubbed a hand up and down his back.

“It’ll be okay,” you said. “Trust me.”

“I see why he likes you,” said Sam. “Here goes nothing.”

______

A/N: Read Part 5 here!

#dean winchester #supernatural #spn #dean x reader #spn reader insert #supernatural reader insert #au #doctor!dean #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester x reader

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outbythehighwind · 4 years ago

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Tifa’s Fighting Style

One of the things that impressed me most about FF7R is Tifa Lockhart’s combat. Her mechanics were dazzling. Her combos left me awed. Her style was so realistic, but... what was it? Naturally, I did some digging, and happened to stumble across a blog where most of the work had already been done. So this post is courtesy of Flowerslightning, with thoughts and elaboration on my part. THANKS AND CREDIT TO THIS WONDERFULLY INSIGHTFUL BLOGGER (do check out her tumblr for more fantastic content).

First, let’s note that Tifa’s combat design is very much in the field of fighting games. To some degree at least, developers take inspiration from real-life arts. The style of Tekken’s Lei Wulong, for instance, is based on the Drunken First. Street Fighter’s Chun Li uses the model of Chinese Kenpo.

The FFVII devs - to my knowledge - have revealed nothing on Tifa’s inspired martial arts background. She adopted the monk style (the fisticuffs of FF-verse) from a traveler named Zangan. That’s all we know. She trained (obviously very hard) as his pupil for the 2 years between Cloud leaving Nibelheim and Sephiroth burning the town. Zangan then brought her to Midgar and continued his travels. The only path for discerning real-arts inspiration is through observing Tifa’s fights - though even such attempt is limited. Her style is not as straightforward as Lei’s or Chun Li’s. She seems to employ a mix of martial arts, specializing in the offense and using speed and dexterity to her advantage.

Here are the main styles that Flowerslightning deduced, supported by some of Tifa’s abilities.

1. Muay Thai [demonstrated by Somersault].

This is the known as the “Art of Eight Limbs” and is commonly referred to as “Thai boxing”. It differs from traditional kickboxing (which has its roots in Japan) most notably in being an 8-point instead of 4-point striking system. In other words, Muay Thai employs elbow and shin strikes in addition to kicks and punches. Tifa’s kicks, I would say, are actually more akin to kickboxing, for Muay Thai places emphasis on heavy kicks involving the shin bone. Yet her acrobatic style is very akin to the latter.

In addition to the key boxing techniques of both the Thai and Japanese art, Tifa’s elbow maneuvers provide further evidence for the former. This is most evident during her fight with Loz, where she uses her elbows for offense and defense. One could say she expanded her Thai-based skills during in the 2 years that followed saving the world.

Running a new bar and raising two under-10-year-olds would have left at least a... smidgen of free time, right?

2. Muay Thai [demonstrated by Refocus].

Some may suggest this move of Tifa’s is a Taekwondo technique (we’ll get to that lovable sport soon, don’t you worry), but I agree with Flowerslightning in that her jumping style is more Muay Thai. Almost all Muay Thai techniques use movement of the entire body, rotating the hip with each kick, punch, elbow and block. This to me is the obvious discerning factor. Tifa exquisitely throws her whole body into the majority of her combos and limit breaks, ground and aerial alike. Specifically through that neat hip rotation. Refocus is but one example of many.

PS. Don’t you just love her boots? The gloves are really something but, those red boots... Just look at them.

3. Taekwondo [shown in Overpower].

Literally the “Way of the Hand and Foot”, this is a Korean martial art set apart by its emphasis on kicks. Head-height kicks, jump spin kicks, swift kicks, the list goes on. (But of course, there’s plenty of hand blocking and take-downs too.) Did you know that Taekwondo is part of South Korea’s military training program as well as their national sport? Its skillset is heavy in self-defense.

Tifa is mostly an offensive attacker (and wow, do her strikes deal devastating damage). Yet her aerial maneuvers and acrobatic footwork certainly have elements of Taekwondo. What makes the Taekwondo kick-style unique is its elaborate, advanced forms. Xtreme 720s, for instance, are underpinned by precise technical soundness and accuracy.

Yes, these are literal 720° mid-air turns with a SERIES of kicks timed in utmost precision. They require extraordinary strength. Something Tifa deceptively pulls off with ease, no?

4. Hēi-Hǔ-Quán [displayed in Starshower].

Flowerslightning deduces this ATB ability to be a Boxing combo. Though to me it looks more like Hēi-Hǔ-Quán (lit. ‘Black Tiger Fist’, a Shaolin striking art from China). Watch her hands closely: the thumbs are curled like the fingers rather than wrapped around them to form a fist. Tifa’s wide stances and acrostic kicks are a little less tiger-esque than Hēi-Hǔ-Quán, but there is definitely resemblance of the style there too.

All in all, she seems to employ a mixture of Shaolin arts and Boxing. Her finger-positions for fast jabs (as in Starshower and the Loz fight) are predominantly of the Tiger Fist. Her more powerful strikes, meanwhile, include Boxing crosses, hooks and uppercuts. The sewer cutscene demonstrates this clearly, when Tifa & Cloud encounter the Sahagin.

And damn, do we love the back-to-back Cloti in that scene. Surely I’m not just speaking for myself here.

5. Boxing [displayed in Unbridled Strength].

Tifa’s aforementioned fist moves and powerful finishing punches are no doubt reminiscent of boxing. Also, she always enters a fight with her fists closed in a boxing stance (whether she will employ Shaolin or other hand techniques is irrelevant). Take her cutscene against the Whispers where she, Cloud and Aerith arrive at Sector 7. She begins with a cross and follows with a rotated hook - one of the most basic boxing combos.

BONUS FACT: Rather than orthodox, Tifa always employs a southpaw stance (right hand and right foot forward). This is the preferred stance of a left-hand fighter. Is Tifa left-handed? Considering her fighting alone, yes is the plausible assumption. Here are a few examples:

- Unbridled Strength has her delivering a finishing blow with her left hand. We would expect such a move to be done with the power hand.

- Her single strike that hurls Loz across the church is also with the left hand. This punch is not part of a combo; she could have used either hand.

- In guard position, her left is the rear hand, to both attack and protect herself.

- And of course, in southpaw stance, she always begins with a left-hand strike.

However, all of Tifa’s general actions (to my observance) - like bartending, catching Aerith in the sewer, carrying the Buster Sword into Corneo’s quarters, etc. - suggest that she is right-handed. So why use the left, the weaker, as her dominant hand in fighting? Could she actually be ambidextrous? That is a possibility. But weighing up the evidence in addition to Tifa's ingenuity, this could well be out of fighting strategy.

Southpaw can give Tifa a strategic advantage, you see, because of the tactical and cognitive difficulties her enemies would have of coping with a fighter who moves in a mirror-reverse of the norm. In other words, she takes advantage of the fact that most fighters lack experience against lefties. Doing this:

- opens up chance for a variety of surprise combos;

- puts her human enemies in danger of KOs by what would otherwise be ordinary strikes; and

- enables her to trick her opponents should she unexpectedly convert to orthodox during fights.

Pretty damn awesome, huh?

6. Gymnastics [dodging maneuvers].

Gymnastics, like fighting arts, enhances balance, strength, flexibility and agility - the four areas Tifa excels at. Now, we’ve talked a lot about her strong points. But what of her weaknesses? Players will have noticed immediately that Tifa has a major setback. She can accurately be described as a glass cannon, due to her low HP and defenses that counter-balance her speed and dexterity. That is precisely what makes playing as her so compelling; you get that sense of life or death intensity. The fight feels REAL. She is the least OP character in the party, in addition to by far being the most difficult to master. Utilized properly, she can be the strongest of them all. And wow, is that rewarding or what?

Because of her weak defenses, Tifa must constantly remain on the move, and gymnastics is the quintessential means in doing so. Hand springs, aerial cartwheels - you name it, she’s got it. As if those kicks and uppercuts don’t scream epic enough already. Doesn’t it just make her even MORE amazing?

So I’ve added Hēi-Hǔ-Quán to Flowerslightning’s conclusion: that Tifa’s combat is Mixed Martial Arts, with her dominant skills as Kickboxing, Taekwondo and Muay Thai. And of course, the interweaving of Gymnastics, which adds an elegance to her epic kickassery.

Tifa lost her teacher after just two years, and spent the last five managing & running a bar, serving as AVALANCHE’s funder & treasurer, and effectively solo-raising Barret’s little daughter. Add two more years, and we have a completely absent Barret, a very sick child in addition to the one she is (now permanently) raising, and a depressed, distant Cloud who has left her to struggle as a solo barkeep, full-time nurse and single mother. How on earth did she find the time and will to master her fighting techniques?

Yes, we are talking about fiction, but this woman is nothing short of incredible. Not simply as a fighter - that isn’t even the start of it. Tifa is, to me, the character who has had it the hardest. Yet she perseveres. And not only that, but she gives. She gives and gives, and doesn’t give up, even when everyone else around her has. In addition, she is the only ‘ordinary’ member of the party: Cloud, on top of military training, had his senses enhanced with Mako & Jenova cells; Barret literally has a gun for an arm; and Aerith as the last Cetra possesses exceedingly strong magic. Tifa, like with everything she does, worked hard to hone her skills. And that, to me, is incontestably admirable.

As Flowerslightning put it, she was “ready to go through hell and yet still remain soft”. And those virtues she held to, where most people would have quit. Compassion and perseverance to the end, the two traits that uphold her - to me - as the most inspiring hero of fiction.

#my analyses #tifa lockhart #combat #ff7 remake #ff7 advent children

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let-me-love-you-loki · 4 years ago

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Reassuring Too Late

Nick

It was strange those first few days and weeks. It didn’t matter that I’d only been gone for a week… I’d walked out on my wife, my kids, my brother. I’d left them when they needed me, when Mattie needed me. After everything Y/N had gone through with Ty… selfish wasn’t even the word for it. Coward wasn’t even strong enough.

And God knew I hated myself every second of every minute of every day that I was gone. It ate at me the moment I started packing my stuff. By the time I was in the car, I felt like I was going to puke. I cried as soon as I pulled out of the driveway and sobbed all the way to my parents’ house.

I was still amazed that they’d let me come home. That Matt and Y/N had given me the chance to make all of this up to them was almost more than I could grasp. They had more grace and love than I could fathom. I didn’t deserve them, and I thanked God every day that they’d allowed me back.

For the first week after I came home, Mattie wouldn’t let me out of her sight. Matt and Y/N had pulled her from school, so she was home all the time. If I walked down the hall, she was right on my heels. If I stepped outside to do yardwork or have a place to think, she found a reason to sit with her feet in the pool or to do her homework at the picnic table on the patio. More than once, I found her bundled up in her sleeping bag outside the door of whatever bedroom I happened to be sleeping in.

Matt took a while to let me spend time with Y/N without hovering. I didn’t blame him, honestly. But I tried my best to show them both that I was sorry… that I wanted to make things right. Y/N just rolled her eyes at Matt and acted—wonderfully—as if nothing had happened. Yes, I could still see some of the pain in her eyes when she looked at me. Every second of seeing her in pain was like a knife in my chest, and I swore that I would never hurt her again. That I would die first.

“Dad,” Mattie said, appearing out of the blue at my elbow. “Can you help me with this?”

She pointed to the thick paperback book in her hand. Algebra. I cringed a little. “I haven’t done algebra in… way too long.” Her face dropped. I smiled. “But I’ll try.”

Her fingers wrapped around mine. There were new callouses on her palms, earned from long hours in the home gym or the training ring. She’d gotten stronger, and God knew that she looked more like her mother every day. My chest ached. I couldn’t believe I’d been such a coward as to leave her when she needed me.

We plopped down on the bench at the table. She pushed some papers aside, stacking her other books in a rough pile. Then she flipped open the book and slid it closer to me. “I don’t get how to do this,” she said pointing at the page.

I pulled the book close and tried not to look intimidated. After two read throughs of the problems, I figured I had some idea of what was going on.

“Okay, first, what does your teacher say to do?”

Mattie grinned, “You mean Mom or Hattie?”

I bumped her playfully with my shoulder. “Hattie. We both know your Mom isn’t the best when it comes to this stuff.”

She smiled even more and launched into a detailed explanation of her last co-op meeting and what had happened in her math lesson. I listened carefully, hoping something would ring a bell for me. Honestly, I’d spent more time in high school waiting to get home to train with Matt than I did listening to what was going on. Hopefully I wasn’t completely useless in this.

“So, when it says this…” she ran her fingers down the page, “then, you take this here and put it in this equation. But I don’t get this one. There’s too much going on.”

I looked over her shoulder. If f(x)=….. and g(x)=… and t(x)=…. Then what is f(g(t(x)))?

Holy shit, I thought, I have no clue what to do.

“Okay, give me a second…” I needed more than a second, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. “So let’s talk through what Hattie told you. If you see f(g(x)) and all you do is take the equation for g(x) and put it in where there’s an x in the original equation, how is this one different?”

Mattie stared at the page, the corners of her mouth turning down. I could see the frustration settling in on her brow. “I don’t know, Dad. I can’t do math. It’s stupid…. I’m stupid.”

“You are not stupid, Mattie. Not everything comes easy for everyone. Sometimes, you have to work extra hard and that’s okay.” I leaned over and kissed the side of her head. “You can do this. So look… let’s do Hattie’s lesson again.”

We sat there for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. Mattie recited what she’d been told by her teacher. I picked out problems that looked exactly what Mattie wrote on the paper, and we did them together. Three problems in I knew what she was supposed to do.

“Take a deep breath, and listen to me, okay? If you can do that with two equations…”

I watched. Waited. Held my tongue. She needed to figure it out on her own.

She perked up, looking at her book with wide eyes. “If you can do that with two equations, you can do it with three. Work backward! Plug t into g and then the result of that into f.”

�� I grinned back, holding up my fingers. “There you go, gimme a too sweet.”

She smiled so proudly that it made my heart nearly burst. She looked so much like Y/N in that moment. I tucked my arms around her and gave her a big hug. “Proud of you, Tea.”

Mattie pressed a kiss to my cheek. “Love you, Dad. I think I can do this now.”

“Shout if you need me, okay?” I dropped a kiss on the top of her head as I stood up and turned toward the kitchen. “I won’t be far.”

The moment my gaze focused on the kitchen, I felt my breath snatched out of my chest. Y/N stood by the sink, tears streaming down her cheeks, one hand pressed against her mouth, the other gripping her phone. Guilt stabbed through me as I closed the space between us.

“What’s the matter, Sunshine?” I asked, settling my palms against her cheeks. My thumbs brushed at the tears still flowing.

My wife looked up at me with the eyes that could stop my heart and make it race at the same time. She reached out, pressing her hand over my heart. “I just saw you with Mattie and…”

I squeezed my eyes shut and let my forehead press against hers. It ached to take a breath. “I’ll fix it, Y/N. I promise you, I’ll make it up to you. To all of you.”

***

Nick smelled like sunshine and heat and home. I marveled at it these days, desperate to burn every second into my memory, knowing that it could end at any moment. As much as I tried to put those lonely days behind me, I couldn’t help but feel the lingering fear that this bubble of happiness would burst and I would lose myself again.

I’d come upon them by accident. Nicole and the boys were at school. Baby Ty was asleep in the nursery. I had planned on getting started on lunch for when Mattie had a break. Yet, the moment I stepped into the kitchen I saw them at the table. Mattie, her dark hair pulled back in a messy knot, long legs folded beneath her on the bench, leaning unconsciously into Nick’s side. Nick, turned toward our daughter, his arm slung around her shoulder, head tilted sideways, brow furrowed in concentration.

I couldn’t help but take pictures. Dozens of them. The longer I looked, the more I cried. It was everything I’d ever wanted… a happy life with the people I loved the most in the whole world. Everything that happened had only made me more grateful for the moments I had.

“Oh, Nick,” I whispered, resting my hands on his ribs. “You’re here. You’re home, and there’s nothing else that I want.”

His blue eyes popped open. “Then why are you crying?”

I chuckled and leaned up to press a kiss to his cheek. “Because I’m watching you with our daughter. I’m watching you be a dad. And that’s the greatest joy I’ve ever known.”

Nick snatched me closer, burying his face against my neck. He hugged me tight, one hand cradling the back of my head. His chest rose and fell in gasping breaths, tears dampening the skin of my throat. I clutched him to me, falling into the strength and comfort and rightness of the way that it felt to be in his arms.

“You are enough,” I murmured over and over again. “You’ve always been enough, Nick. I love you so much. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. All I’ve ever wanted was to have this… this life with you.”

Nick sucked in a breath and leaned back, cradling my face with his hands. “I hated myself for so long… wanting what my brother had. For wanting you and everything that being with you would bring.”

I shushed him, smiling softly as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. “Then I should hate me too, Nick. But Matt doesn’t hate us, so why should we hate ourselves? I have you. You have me. We have Matt, and we have these beautiful children. And God knows, the happiest moments of my life are watching you be a dad.”

Wriggling out of his hold, I picked up my phone and pulled up one of the pictures I’d just taken. He slipped the phone from my fingers and stared at the photo until the screen went black. I rested my forehead against his bicep.

“Dad! I’m stuck again,” Mattie called over her shoulder. I felt Nick heave a breath. He wiped his eyes and pressed a kiss to my hair.

“Coming, Tea.”

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jombocostello · 4 years ago

Text

falling in love with love (risotto x reader)

@pommmejuice asked: hi op can i request some headcanons for risotto w a soft and cuddly s/o please (kinda like. an opposites attract thing)? love your writing a lot n i hope you have a great day 🥺💖

Yes!! I’m super sorry for the long wait on this, but I hope you enjoy it!! This started out as headcanons but it kind of turned into a full story somewhere haha, I hope you like it!

It was hard for Risotto to come to terms with falling in love.

Never in his wildest dreams could he have expected it. When he entered the criminal underground, he knew he was condemning himself to a life of loneliness and unflinching cruelty - and that didn’t bother him in the slightest. Risotto was a cruel and unfeeling man; anyone who crossed him was dead at the nearest opportunity.

Ending up as the head of La Squadra Esecuzioni wasn’t a surprise. He was a ruthless killer and he was always perfectly composed. The oddballs on his team had their quirks - some weirder than others - but Risotto was all business all the time. He was an assured leader who never showed a shred of personality. He often heard his team wondering if he even had one.

That is, until you joined the team.

You were a pure ball of sunshine. It really threw Risotto off, seeing you bright and cheerful after every hit. The guys on the team seemed to eat up your sweet demeanor (Pesci especially - he clung to you like the nice big sibling he never had), but Risotto wasn’t fully convinced that you were the angel that everyone saw.

A week or so after you joined the team, Risotto pulled Formaggio aside after the two of you returned from a job. “Hey, boss,” he said, a little uneasily. It wasn’t often that Risotto spoke with him one-on-one. “Need something?”

Risotto stared down at Formaggio, who was starting to sweat. He wondered for a moment why he was even doing this, but shrugged the thought away. “How did the job go?”

Formaggio eased up once he heard that. “It was great! (Y/N)’s a bonafide hitman.” He glanced over at you, standing on the other side of the room. “They’re pretty damn ruthless, but shit - the guy today more than deserved it.”

This piqued Risotto’s interest; you were...ruthless? He never would’ve considered it. “Alright. That’s all I wanted to ask.” Formaggio bid his boss farewell and strutted over to you and the others, immediately starting to brag about how efficient he and you were on today’s job. Risotto just watched as you bashfully denied his praise, and he watched the way your face grew wonderfully red at the compliments.

Even then he knew these weren’t regular thoughts to have about a teammate, but he chalked it up to curiosity. There was no way you were a killer like him - not with your winning smile and bubbly laugh. Risotto realized at that moment that there was only one way to find out for sure. He was finally going to work alongside you.

“You'll be going with me on this one, (Y/N).” His tone was as normal as ever when he told you this two days later, but internally he was scrutinizing your every micro-expression as you took in his words. Was it to figure out more about your personality, or just because he wanted to know what you thought of him? Jesus. His mind was really in a weird place.

You blinked the surprise out of your expression and smiled brightly. “Great, boss! I’m excited to see your stand in action.” Risotto just nodded and made a gruff sound of agreement. To you, that came off as professional and official, but honestly he just didn’t know what to say. And you were off!

The job was straightforward: there was a pretty high up member of the organization who’d been skimming off the top of the boss’s drug profits for a good while now. It would be extremely easy to take care of him; he didn’t even have a stand. Still, Risotto found himself worried about the outcome of this mission. As you walked out the door and sent him a toothy grin over your shoulder, he found himself doubting that you could even find it in you to step on a bug. But, you were obviously on the squad for a reason, so he just let those thoughts go.

The two of you arrived quickly to your destination. As you both crept up to the back entrance of the beautiful house, you wrapped your hand around Risotto’s arm. He halted, looking down at you in muted surprise, and you shrugged sheepishly. “Just don’t wanna lose you.”

You were so, so adorable. Risotto actually felt his heartbeat speed up - it was a foreign sensation. “Well just keep up with me,” he bluntly replied, pulling you along. You stumbled along behind him, probably smiling like the utter sweetheart you were, but Risotto didn’t look. He was starting to realize what his feelings for you really were.

You both slid quietly into the house. You were equipped with a very useful ability for this line of work: your stand, Sound of Silence, eliminated the sound of anything you touched. Creaky doors, squeaking floorboards, and even the loudest gunshots were all silenced by your power. As you both crept down the back hallway, Risotto glanced at the pistol resting on your hip. It had been a long, long time since he had to use such...conventional weapons.

You both stopped just before the dining room. You turned to Risotto, quirking an eyebrow as you whispered, “What’s the move?” He just gestured for you to follow him, and so you both slipped into the room.

Your orders were to kill the man and grab an envelope from his pocket. It was an easy enough job, Risotto figured. He was just excited to see you in action. You shut the door silently and looked to your superior, seeming to ask for permission to take charge of the assassination. Risotto nodded, and you got to work.

Because of your stand, you didn’t really have to be careful. You walked with purpose up to the man, and before he had even turned around you pulled out your gun and shot him in the head - Risotto was impressed and a little surprised by your efficiency. As he slumped forward onto the table, you grabbed his shoulders and eased him back up. You stuck your hand into his breast pocket and fished around, but found nothing. God, the pout on your face and your adorably furrowed eyebrows at coming up empty-handed almost made Risotto get up and kiss you right there.

Risotto strode over to you and watched you search through his other jacket pocket. After a second, you grinned and pulled out a small white envelope, addressed to another member of the boss’s staff. You turned around and gave Risotto a thumbs-up, and he found himself smiling faintly at the sweet gesture. This made you grin even wider in return, and you opened your mouth to comment on it. The click of a gun silenced you.

Without even thinking, you grabbed Risotto and yanked him into a nearby closet. You shut it hastily and turned to Risotto, and without a moment’s thought, you wrapped him up in a tight hug. He stared down at you with wide eyes - what the hell did you do that for...? He could feel his heart thumping away, and it definitely wasn’t because of the threat to his life outside the closet door. You looked up and mouthed, “Your breathing.”

You were using your stand to silence his breathing. How in the hell did you think so quickly on your feet? You were perfect, Risotto was sure of it now. He nodded, and you gave him a thumbs-up and a smile.

The man outside the door spoke; Risotto could hear in his voice that he was scared shitless. “I-I know you’re here! You’re on that fucking hitman team, aren’t you?! Just get out here!”

You glanced up at Risotto, and to his surprise, there was no fear in your eyes. Instead, you looked almost eager as you let go of Risotto’s waist and grabbed his hand tightly. “Are you gonna use your stand?” you asked lowly with a big smile. “I’ve always wanted to know how it works.”

He blinked, completely taken aback by your lack of concern about the man with the gun outside. “Uh...” He pressed his ear to the door. “Yeah.”

You heard the man scream before you even realized Risotto was doing anything. He shut his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows, and in an instant you heard the man hit the floor. The two of you waited a few seconds to see if he was still moving, and once he figured it was all clear, Risotto opened the door a crack.

Yeah, he was dead. You both left the closet, and you slid your hand out of Risotto’s grasp (he was startled by how empty he felt without it). You picked up the man’s gun, and as you did you marveled at the pair of scissors that had seemingly burst from his heart. “Holy shit! You’re something, boss.” You tossed him a grin over your shoulder. “Well, we should get out of here.”

“Yeah. Come on.” The two of you quickly left the house and hopped into the car you’d placed in the forest a ways away. Risotto watched you fold up the envelope and slide it into your pocket. “Nice job,” he said suddenly, almost against his will. He paused, and then spoke again. “You were cool out there.”

You broke out into a wide grin. “Ah, thank you! So were you.” You went silent for a moment, and Risotto glanced at you as he started up the car and pulled into the road. “I, uh...” You giggled a little nervously, and he raised an eyebrow. “I’ve always admired you, boss. You’re really incredible.”

For the first time in his life he felt like grinning like an idiot, but he forced a neutral expression onto his face. “Thanks.” You reached over and turned up the radio, grinning when you found the oldies channel. As you hummed along to the song, Risotto spoke again. “I put you on this job to observe you. Not - not like I was testing you, but... To get to know you a little better.”

You nodded, your smile softening. Risotto continued, speaking steadily though he felt oddly embarrassed. “I’m very impressed by you, (Y/N).”

You grinned and reached over, and for some odd reason Risotto’s first thought was that you were going to jingle one of the little bells on his hat - but of course that’s not what you were doing. You wrapped your arms around him like you had in the closet, except this time there was no reason for it that Risotto could discern. You just...wanted to hug him. How incredible is that?

You hugged him tightly for what felt like an eternity, but then you let go - for all good things must come to an end. “Sorry if that was weird, boss,” you said as you not-so-subtly watched for his reaction. “I’m just really happy to hear you say that.”

He had no idea what to say, but after a moment he settled with, “It wasn’t weird.” You exhaled, leaning back and resting your forehead on the window. The rest of the ride was comfortably silent as Risotto cruised down the empty streets.

He found himself completely wrapped up in his thoughts. It was impossible to deny now - he was utterly enamored with you. Your bright attitude, your nonchalance and talent at this line of business, and the fact that you were completely adorable had roped him in. Now, he just... He had to figure out how to go about this. He wasn’t a subtle man by any means, but he didn’t want to try to tell you how he felt until he was sure he knew what he was doing. He had never done this before, and incredibly enough, Risotto Nero actually felt a little nervous.

When the two of you got back to La Squadra's base, you hopped out of the car and stretched, laughing a little when your joints cracked. "Jesus, that was a long car ride!" you said, smiling faintly as you quickly reached into your pocket and pulled out the envelope. "And here you go!" You handed it to him, and as he reached out and took it, your fingers brushed for the briefest moment. He was certain he felt sparks.

Only a few members of the team were still hanging around; it was pretty late. Risotto sank into a chair and watched as you skipped over to Pesci, asking him how his job with Prosciutto went today. Risotto hummed, frowning. He'd completely forgotten that those two had work today... He was too busy thinking about you.

He stood up and headed to his office to wrack his brain on how to deal with this new development. He didn't notice you watching him as he walked past you, and he definitely didn't hear Pesci's little jab at you for checking out the boss, which you didn't deny.

Risotto spent a long, long time sitting his office and pondering this situation, and he still hadn't really gotten anywhere. He tried to start with what he knew about you. You were kind, bright, and cuddly. He figured that if he confessed, you would let him down easy, at least. Jesus. He shook his head and spun around in his chair, brows furrowed. He needed to try a new approach.

Maybe it would be better to drop subtle hints. You seemed like a pretty open person, so if you hadn't already expressed any romantic feelings to him, that probably meant you didn't have any. Coolly and nonchalantly alluding to the possibility of a romance between the two of you seemed like a good way to see if you felt anything, and if you didn't, things wouldn't be horribly awkward between you afterwards. That was the last thing he wanted.

His foot tapped steadily against the floor as he sat and thought, bringing his hands up and running them through the hair at the nape of his neck. There was something so...risky about all of this, and Risotto had never experienced anything like it before. In a life full of unflinching cruelty, you were the first person to truly make him feel something.

That was it. He decided at that moment that there was no need for a plan; he just had to tell you how he felt and pray that you feel the same. He stood up suddenly, nearly knocking his chair over, and just as he grabbed the doorknob -

"Uh, Risotto?"

He heard your voice on the other side, followed by a couple quick raps on the door. He would've laughed at your impeccable timing if he wasn't so anxious. He took a quick breath and cleared his throat, then opened the door. You stood there with that same sweet smile on your face, and it got a little wider when Risotto gestured for you to come inside and have a seat.

You folded your hands across your lap as Risotto sat down across from you. "Was there something you wanted to talk about?" he asked, perfectly masking his nerves with his voice. One thing that he would always succeed at was acting cool in even the most stressful situations. "Is it something about the mission today?"

"No!" you said quickly. After a second you faltered, glancing up at the ceiling. "Well, uh - yeah, sort of." He raised his eyebrows, and you took a breath. "I guess I just have to tell you something."

You didn't want to work with him again. Risotto felt his jaw tense just slightly; there was a chance that you were about to say something along those lines, and just the chance was horrible. He watched you as you figured out how to articulate your thoughts, and he braced for the worst.

"I really like you, Risotto."

He was silent, and his expression didn't change. You frowned; did he not feel the same way? No - he was just in a state of utter shock. His mind was racing, from how unbelievably amazing this was to how lucky he was that you confessed to him first to what your wedding would be like. Finally, after that moment of internal chaos, he spoke.

"I feel the same way, (Y/N). I'm really glad."

A grin spread across your face before he could blink and you shot into his lap, wrapping your arms around his broad shoulders and squeezing. "Jesus, I - thank you!" you breathed, your wide smile audible in your voice. "I was really hoping I was right, and I - fuck, I'm just so happy." You leaned back to take in Risotto's expression, and to your surprise, he was actually smiling a genuine smile.

He reached out and brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. "I was about to go to you to tell you the same thing."

Your eyes widened and you laughed out loud. "Are you serious?"

"Dead serious." He wrapped his arms around your torso, surprising you, and you yelped when he lifted you into his arms. "You're perfect." Your face turned a delightful shade of red, and he took in your expression as he leaned in and kissed you. You snaked your arm around his back, clutching the back of his jacket. There was something electric about having your lips on his - he couldn't get enough of it. You parted, and you started to speak but were cut off by Risotto going in for another kiss. You laughed a little against his lips as he kissed you, his teeth brushing against your upper lip. As you parted again, he raised his eyebrows. "What were you going to say?" he asked between breaths.

"Just..." You pointed at the clock on the far wall. "It's midnight."

Holy shit. He didn't realize how long he'd been holed up in his office. He stood up, lifting you up into the air with him. You laughed as he gently set you down. "Sorry, I didn't realize how late it was," he said, reaching out and readjusting your shirt.

You smiled softly, bringing your hand up and grasping his. "Do you want to just stay here?" you asked. "Just sit on the couch and watch a movie. It sounds really good to me."

Risotto couldn't even remember the last time he watched a movie, but for you - anything. "Sure." Still holding his hand, you left his office and headed into the main room.

You sat down on the couch and handed Risotto the TV remote. He took it and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels until he found an old black-and-white film. You nodded and he set down the remote, sitting down next to you. Immediately you curled up next to him, humming when he wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

The movie really didn't hold either of your interests for long; you both found yourselves yawning at the twenty minute mark. "Goodnight," you whispered as you rested your head on his shoulder. He turned his head and kissed you quickly; you smiled blearily before shutting your eyes and instantly falling asleep. He breathed a little laugh and leaned his head back.

He had never felt this kind of happiness before. He thought that all life had to offer him was work and subsequent success, but this - this was something so completely different and so much better. He was in love with the feeling, and he was in love with you. He was starting to get a little drowsy too, so he shut his eyes. As he listened to your soft breathing, he mumbled, "I love you," and drifted to sleep.

#jojo's bizarre adventure #risotto nero #risotto x reader #risotto imagine #jjba risotto #jojo imagine #jjba x reader #jjba imagine #thank you for the request!! ive never written for risotto before but it was so much fun!!#my writing

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alexaplaysgames · 3 years ago

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"How you've ruined me, my dear barista."

Oh, how you have ruined me, dear OP, please—

Oh my, I am the anon that requested Did You Really Mean It?, and I just wanted to express how grateful I truly am that you took the time out of your day to write such a wonderful piece out of the prompt I had sent in 😭😭💕💞💕💞💕💕💞💕💞

I got the notification that you posted while I was on my way back home and I couldn't contain my excitement upon seeing it and so I just gobbled it up in one go in the car, and to say that you delivered in every aspect would be an understatement. You really shouldn't doubt the beauty of your writing, because if anything, every little piece of yours comes out so wonderfully and you can clearly see the effort that you, the writer, have put into perfecting your work as much as you can.

I specifically adore how your writing never seems to feel rushed, but instead, you take your time to explore the situation at hand with such intricacy and such descriptions that invigorate the deepest of emotions in the reader. You always excel at showcasing the emotion that is being felt by the character and in making the reader feel involved in what is taking place.

Your dainty and intricate way of expressing emotions and describing the state of the characters always finds its way to my heart, and it is very much safe to say that the way in which you write has cemented itself as one of my absolute favourites on this platform.

I loved seeing the way you portrayed the internal conflict that brewed within Felix and the general way in which you characterize him. In every single piece of yours, nothing you portray him as seems to stray far from what Felix himself would genuinely do, and this piece is truly no different. I felt a pang of guilt all throughout the reading process, and I couldn't help but want to comfort Felix right away.

From the internal thoughts and the true-to-character dialogue, to the splendid descriptions of the gorgeous sunset imagery that you had painted, it all felt just right, for your choice of wording is never anything less than superb.

The reconciliation process felt very natural, and despite the lingering sadness from Felix's behalf, it felt as though it will all be okay in the long run.

I couldn't help but have a bittersweet feeling gnawing at my chest by the end of the fic, and although I can never do this wonderful piece of yours justice, I just wanted to thank you for the delightful journey of emotions that you have put me through with it.

This was a splendid piece of work that I am certain I will be returning to very frequently, and I can't thank you enough for sharing the incredible gift in writing that you have with everyone in this community, as well as all the other communities for which you write. Thank you dearly once more. I hope you can see the undeniable beauty your writing holds for yourself as well. 🌺✨

Omg pleaseeee you’re killing me here! 😭 To have someone say such nice things about a work I wasn’t happy with is sooo uplifting. And to know you liked my interpretation of your prompt is genuinely satisfying- it means my job has been done. I never assume people even think that much about what I write so all your little comments have killed me :)

I kept this in my inbox for a while just rereading it because it was so motivating and sweet and I don’t have much else to say besides I’m so flattered and, um- here’s a kiss? Mwah 💋

#long post #alexa answers asks #I LOVE YOU #❤️😩💕

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nade2308 · 4 years ago

Text

First Lines of Last 20....

Guidelines: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all.) Choose your favorite opening line, tag some friends!

Tagged by @impossiblepluto. Thanks friend!

(And just as always, I deviate from the mold and I give you more than just the first lines and/or my favorite lines 😈)

1. You don't know you are beautiful

Jack was so pissed. He was thrumming with nervous energy and was itching for a fight. Especially with that good for nothing, piece of shit, pretentious and pompous guy they were sent to retrieve because he had valuable intel the Phoenix stumbled upon by chance.

2. Catch you when you fall

Scott was always ready to push himself further, just that one step towards the tipping point. He thought if he went harder, and longer, that it will yield better results, but it wasn't always the case. That frustrated him even more and then he was angry at himself for doing that to himself and his friends. And to his dad. His dad who bent himself forwards and backwards to make sure Scott had everything he needed and more.

3. Coming home to you

You know that feeling when you want something so bad, but you have to wait for it? Yeah, Mac was feeling like that now. He was this close to losing it after the op ended. He couldn't wait to get back to Jack. Well, get back to Jack and get laid in the process.

4. "There's still time to change the road you're on"

Jack was in Texas for the birthday of his nephew and it just happened that his nephew was best friends with the kid of one of Jack's old flames. Well, more like a summer relationship, but seventeen year old Jack thought she was it. They had a thing that was actually cute and sweet. He took her out on dates at the local pizza place, and she took him to community events.

5. 98.Separated

Alina Chernyshevsky was a Russian scientist working at a lab in LA, on a scholarship who was kidnapped by a rogue crime group almost a week ago. The Phoenix was tasked with recovering her and capturing any of the members of the group they could find. It turned out that the son of a banker, the daughter of a businessman and the brother and sister, the kids of one of the most powerful Romanian crime groups had one thing in common. They wanted to get out from under the shadow that their parents put them in. So they formed their own union, and thanks to the ties Andrei Bogdan, their leader, had from his father's world, they quickly made their way up in the underground dark world. Climbing up the ladders, they did the odd jobs here and there, hits on important people for hire, and it was based on their combined knowledge of the finances, the system and the law, that they stayed undetected and under the radar for so long. Until Alina discovered some sample or another in the lab that was brought for testing and she made herself a target and was kidnapped in broad daylight.

6. Dye Hard

It wasn't like it was something he was dying to try. He was just looking at pictures of people with wonderfully done hair. Which happened to also be dyed in all the colors of the rainbow and more. It was just research. For an experiment. He was sure he was going to be told off again for experimenting so he kept it just to himself.

7. Sweet child o' mine

Riley woke up to the persistent ringing of her phone. She was having a very nice dream, drinking mai-tai's, at the Hilton Hawaiian Village, and now she was brought back to reality by the shrill tone of her phone.

8. Mac and Jack + softness

They had experienced bad missions before. It wasn't that uncommon, since almost every mission they worked on turned bad real fast. But there were some missions that took bad to the next level.

9. Jack + migraine + birthday

Mac was shivering even with the blanket wrapped around him. They were on their exfil flight, and the heat was on for his sake, but Mac's worry wasn't for himself, but for Jack. Jack, who was squinting at the bright sky and had his head tilted in an awkward angle because apparently he was hurting. And Mac had a pretty good idea what was the cause.

10. 9.Helpless

The drive back to Mac's place was a blur. Jack focused on the road and tried not to think of what they were told or the treatment that might have reversed all of their hard work on making Mac's hands heal and be okay.

11. 72.Painless

When Mac first noticed the car that was tailing him, he was several blocks away from Jack's place. They were supposed to have a movie night with the team, Jack already texted him to tell Mac that Riley was there with him.

12. 26.Flinch

Mac jerked away from the hand that was shaking his shoulder and immediately backed up to the corner of the bed. Someone was talking in a low voice, but Mac was still a bit disoriented and couldn't place the voice. Or the words.

13. 12.Confusion & 26. flinch

When Mac woke up, he could tell that something was different. There wasn't a creepy stare to watch over him, nor the blinking dot on the camera in the corner.

14. 5.Bruised

Jack let his kid take his fill by looking him up and down. Jack knew that he looked a little bit worse for wear, but that was normal in their line of work. This time however, it was from something else. And judging by the way Mac was eyeing him, he didn't manage to hide it well.

15. 56. Begging

Mac wanted to scream. It was hurting him to just breathe, but the pain was unbearable. He didn't know if the lash that caught his side, or the one that split the skin above the small of his back, hurt more.

16. Jack Sr. + Wrist Cuff

It takes all his willpower not to go back to the room he just vacated. He promised Riley and Mac that he'll take a break. It was nonnegotiable. Mac went so far as to tell him to go and take a good sleep. That Mac wasn't going to vanish again. He promised.

17. Fire Pit + Nightmares

Mac didn't know what woke him up. He's sure it was something and not a sound he made up in his dream. Mac turned around in bed and for a moment he was a bit disoriented. He blinked a few times and then looked at the digital watch on his nightstand. It was a little after 2am.

18. "Whenever your world starts crashing down, that's when you'll find me"

"Hours later (Jack's not sure about the time, he left his watch at home) the party is dying down. He is watching the night lights twinkling in the distance, mixed with lights from building windows, and homes and offices. LA is alive as always, traffic present even in this late hour. Everyone knows that NYC is the city that never sleeps, but Jack wants to argue how LA doesn't fall far behind the Big Apple. Especially since Jack has watched this city in all the times of day and night and can attest to that."

19. Si te doy mi corazón, lo tratarás con ternura

1. Tickling

Mac was studying for an exam and Jack was bored. It was one of those days. Really, there was a lot to be done in the house, and Jack barely had a time for himself and Mac these days, but on a rare night where he had absolutely nothing of importance to do… and Jack was bored.

20. The Center of Their World

Mac was writhing in Jack's lap, and Jack moaned at the drag of Mac's cock against his hip as Jack had Mac's ass spread and a finger inside him already. He instinctively backed up against the headboard of their ridiculously big bed, and threw his head out because the contact between him and Mac was explosive in the least.

Tagging: @sabbystarlight @82tweeder @dixons-mama @improvidus @panchostokes @erinsworld @nativestarwrites @kerkerian @starryhc @thesammykinz @dont-stop-believin-in-klaine @demonicsoulmates @rai-knightshade @telltaleclerk and whoever sees this and wants to do it, consider yourself tagged.

#tumblr games #first lines tag game

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requiem626k · 3 years ago

Note

IT IS I! 🎹 anon! I have returned from the land of paper writing for the end of the semester and I live (sort of) HAHA

I just realized I aaid PRELUDES and not ETUDES. But I love both of the either way.

I think Scriabin's etudes are more popular, like Op 8 No 12 and Op 42 No 5. I really enjoy them and the former is really intense, but I think it's easy to get tired of them eventually.

For his Preludes Op 11, my personal favorites are No 1, 15, and 19. I actually don't really understand that much about music theory (though I do plan on learning when I have free time... maybe you could recommend where to start? :D HAHA no pressure of course) so I can only recommend them based on what my ears think sound nice.

Anyway hope you have a good day! May all that you eat be tasty :3

AHH! LOVELY 🎹 ANON HELLO! <3 I was wondering where you were haha! I mean, of course you’re not obligated to write me but ah I think you get the point- I’m just happy to see you again😖❤️

I hope all went well for you with those papers!! I’m sure you did good💕 And thank you so much for the recs ahh, I can’t wait to discover them!!

And thank you for the lovely wishes about my day, I wish the same for you too <3

My commentary for the pieces + recs for learning music theory are under the cut🤭

Etude Op 8 No 12

Oh my God, I loved this. It’s the first time I listen to it, and I chose to listen to it from Horowitz and the chills it sent down my spine are still there. It’s so intense as you said, the build-up is wonderfully written and the passionate emotions just put you in a vortex and whirl you around, I love it. And the bass notes- oh the bass notes, every beginning of a new measure struck my heart.

On the second listen, I can say that I especially adored the heartwarming modulations in the beginning and the use of dominant 7ths during the buildups, omg the amount of chills this piece is giving me- 🤤

Etude Op 42 No 5

My fingers started hurting just by listening to it-😶 Oh my. This one was much more chaotic than the other etude, in the middle part I almost lost my sense of rhythm, it’s just… insane.

I adore the soft melody that chimes in in the middle section🥺 (starting from 01.58 in this recording, it just has my heart ahh I could hum it all day… I never wanted to hug a melody before- ;^;)

Prelude Op 11 No 1

Listening to this right after those passionate etudes was a really interesting and comforting experience. not going to lie. 🤭 Ahh, this one was extremely comforting and soft, it felt like walking on the water and letting myself go with the flow~

Prelude Op 11 No 15

I… I’m mesmerized by this one. How can one create such a beautiful thing with such simplicity? I adore the ambience that the left hand creates, and the pearl-like (as we call it in my native language, which means it’s just so well articulated) melody is the cherry on top- I can easily weep to this, especially to the last two soft chords…🥺

Prelude Op 11 No 19

I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH😭 How does he do that? How does he make the listener feel passionate, bittersweet and emotional at the same time? I also love how he hides such precious melodies inside an orderly chaos, they just shine.

In conclusion: Russians surely know how to make music & Scriabin is so damn underrated. Thank you so so much for these recs, I loved every single one of them ❤️

Now onto the music theory talk! Parting from your words, I’ll assume that you have no experience/knowledge about it.

My first advice: be patient. Think of it as learning a new language, and this is a language that’s using a completely different alphabet too, called “notes”. Would you expect to be able to talk in a totally new language fluently after a few weeks? A few months? One year? I don’t think so. Treat music theory as such too. It will take time, practice and effort. But don’t let this demotivate you, because once you get the hang of it, it becomes so enjoyable and if you’re really interested in going on (which I see that you pretty much are, given your passion about music <3) you find yourself totally lost in it😌

As a starting point, (again, I don’t know how much you know so I’ll just assume you don’t know anything) obviously, you must learn the alphabet: You should know how to read notes as well as you know your name.

After the notes, there comes the rhythms, modes (Ionian, Dorian, Phrygian, Lydian, Mixolydian, Aeolian, Locrian) scales & key signatures, interval types (major, minor, perfect, augmented, diminished etc.) and chord types (triad chords, major chords, minor chords, diminished chords, augmented chords, seventh chords etc.) I’m aware that these are all tedious stuff that you need to memorise quite a bit but please, please lay these foundations very strongly and well. Keep in mind that you’ll be constructing every layer on these knowledges, may it be harmony, counterpoint or piece analysis.

After you’ve learned them individually, you’ll learn the relationships between them. Just as an example: what chord is called how in what scale? Or the chord progressions, which is essential if you want to analyse a piece in terms of theory. And I think this pretty much covers the basics! I definitely recommend learning with a teacher, if you can. But if you can’t, there are lots of stuff on the Internet that would help you learn it yourself, I suppose! It’s been a really long time since I first learned it, for me it’s like my native language so I fear I couldn’t give a detailed and educational advice, but I hope it’s helpful somehow😖

#anon.[🎹]#anon interactions👤#scriabin talks #req’s classical music brainrot

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stories-sometimes · 5 years ago

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I’ve Made A Huge Mistake{10/?}

Peter Parker x Reader, Quentin Beck x Reader

Summary: Peter just wanted to enjoy his trip to Europe, maybe even confess his feelings to his best friends.But along came a mysterious new hero to ruin those plans. Peter and his class are aged up and in college.

Warnings: Violence in later chapters, manipulation, age gap

Word Count: 1673

Main Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Peter awoke, every atom in his body in almost unbearable pain. He felt a patch of dried blood on his cheek and the bruises forming under his eye. No matter how quickly he healed, he’d always go through that moment of agony. He looked down, noticing a bright orange football shirt draped over his torso. He looked around, seeing three other men, all with orange body paint and the Dutch flag painted over them.

“Hi.” The one to his left greeted him.

“Where am I?” Peter asked, still dazed.

“Municipal holding facility.”

“They said they found you unconscious at a train yard. Very dangerous.” Another said.

“We gave you the shirt because you looked a bit cold.” The final explained.

“Thanks,” Peter replied, his consciousness slowly coming back, “You guys are really nice, You speak really good English.” He continued to ramble.

“Welcome to the Netherlands.” They said in unison.

“I’m in the Netherlands, right now?” They all nodded in response, dread quickly filling Peter. “Guard!” Peter shouted, rushing towards the cell’s door.

“The guard’s on a break, properly talking to his wife.”

“Yeah, she’s pregnant.”

“Oh ja, what luck.” Peter wrapped his hand around the padlock, easily breaking it and stepping out of the cell. He left the facility unseen by the guard and made his way to the marketplace outside. He limped his way over to a man by a vegetable stall.

“Excuse me sir, can I borrow your phone.” The man immediately passed it over with a friendly smile, “Thanks, everyone’s so nice here.” He pondered on who to call. Calling her might put her in danger, MJ and Ned wouldn’t be able to do anything with him in the Netherlands, May would just freak out.

“Hi Happy, I messed up, I, I need a ride. Where am I? Um, sir, where am I?” The Dutchman answered, “Could you say that into here?” Peter handed the phone back over.

“Broek op Langedijk.”

“Thank you.” Peter said before walking out of the town centre. There was a vast tulip field a few minutes away, where Peter saw Happy’s jet landing.

“Peter, are you okay?” Happy asked, concerned as he stepped off the jet.

“Wait.” Peter raised his hand, still paranoid about Beck’s illusions. “Tell me something only you’d know.”

“What?”

“Just tell me, please.” He was desperate now.

“Okay,” Happy racked his brain for a second. “Remember when we went to Germany? You pay-for-viewed a video in your room? They didn't list the titles, but I could tell by the price it was an adult film at the front desk. And you didn't know how I knew-”

“Okay, okay, you can stop.” Peter cut him off, feeling heat rush to his cheeks.

“Come on, you need to relax.” Happy instructed once he was stitching Peter up.

“Don't tell me to relax, Happy! how can I relax when I've messed up so bad? I trusted Beck. Right? I thought he was my friend so I gave him the only thing that Mr Stark left behind for me and now he's going to kill my friends and half of Europe.” Peter snapped, “And, and she’s with, doing God knows what. I can’t get a hold of her, so I don’t know if she’s safe or dead in a ditch. She’s trapped with him and I didn’t do anything to stop it. So please don’t tell me to relax.” Peter continued, tears threatening to spill. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t shout. I just feel like I’m letting Mr Stark down. I can’t do it, I’m not Iron Man.”

“You're not Iron Man. You're never going to be Iron Man. Nobody can live up to Tony. Not even Tony. Tony was my best friend. And he was a mess. He second-guessed everything he did, he was all over the place. The one thing he did that he didn't second-guess was picking you. I don't think Tony would've done what he did... if he didn't know that you were going to be here after he was gone.”

“Thanks.” He mumbled.

“Tony really liked her.” Happy mentioned.

“Yeah.”

“Absolutely, when he first met her she walked into the lab, straight away corrected one of his calculations and then immediately started apologising profusely. And all Tony could do was laugh, that this teenage girl waltzed into his home with all the confidence in the world, then switched into this sweet little girl who didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He thought it was all hilarious. He thought she was good for you. She was smart, kind, supportive and willing to put up with all the shit that comes with dating a superhero.”

“Oh, we, we weren’t or aren’t dating.” Peter turned slightly red at the implication.

“Never really understood that.” He muttered under his breath, “So, where to Spiderman?”

“Um, pass me your phone.” After Happy handed it over, Peter pulled up Instagram, finding Flash live streaming.

“Ello governor, cup of tea for you? I'mma be in London soon.” The voice rang out.

“We’re going to London. And I need a suit.”

“I’ve got you.” Happy pressed a button, opening a hidden compartment to reveal Stark’s old on-board building station. Peter grinned and got to work.

Across the ocean, in London, Beck was leading her up a bridge across the Thames, giving a spectacular view of the city.

“Shouldn’t you be preparing for the elemental attack.” She pointed out as they reached the top of the bridge tower.

“We’ve got another hour, I just need to show you something.” He dragged her by the hand out to the centre of the bridge. He wrapped a hand around her waist. “Look at that.”

“It’s beautiful.” She replied, admiring the multitude of skyscrapers clashing wonderfully with the historical buildings of the city.

“And see that bridge there.” He pointed out.

“Yeah.”

“Your friends are gonna be trapped there in about an hour.”

“What?!” She said, starting to panic a little.

“Shame that’s exactly where the elemental’s supposed to attack.” He noticed her breathing and heart rate increase rapidly. “Oh, you thought I didn’t know what you told them, that you know about my dirty little secret.”

“How did you -”

“I’ve had a drone following you since we first met.”

“And all your stories, of your wife, your world.” She knew it was a lie, but part of her still wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go back to the sweet Beck she thought she’d known.

“All bullshit. I meant it when I said you were perfect. Beautiful, kind and stupidly naive enough to believe my lies.”

“You’re a monster.”

“Maybe, but I’m also the future. And the fate of your friends rests in my hands. So once this is all done, you’re gonna stick to my story, play the role of the supportive little girlfriend to the world’s newest hero. And if you can stick to that, your friends might survive. Alright.” He said menacingly.

“Yes.” She replied, feeling as though her world was crumbling around her. Beck clenched his jaw, squeezing his hand over her waist, just enough to make it hurt.

“What was that?”

“Yes sir.” Beck leaned in to rest his forehead on the side of her head, kissing against the shell of her ear.

“Good girl.” Beck mocked as he pushed her top up slightly to trace his finger over the bare skin. Every touch made her want to throw up, but she tried to hold it together for the lives of her friends. Beck left the room momentarily, when he came back he was dressed in a grey morphsuit, two drones floating by his sides. “You’re all we have Beck.” She overheard Fury say a few minutes later.

“This is what I feared. God help us Fury, God help us all.” Beck said dramatically. “Okay people, no Avengers coming we’re good to go.” He slipped back into his regular voice. “EDITH.”

“Yes Quentin.”

“Show me my loose ends. Once the show’s going, execute the kill order on my command.”

“Kill order, you said they’d stay alive.” She walked back towards him.

“Just a precaution sweetie.”

“Please, I’ll do anything you want, just don’t hurt them.” She begged.

“I know, but until I’m certain they won’t say a word, I’ve gotta keep an eye on them.” He smiled threateningly. She stepped back for him, face dropping. She felt trapped, helpless in the situation. Forced to sit back and help this villain or watch her friends die.

Taglist Open:

@cool-ontherun-world

@eleventhdoctorsangel

@chubby-tink

@eridanuswave

@squishychar1ie

@sincerely-cronch

@charmed-asylum

@lukesbabylon

@cutie1365

@smilexcaptainx

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker x you #peter parker x original character #quentin beck #quentin beck x you #quentin beck x reader #quentin beck imagine #mysterio x reader #mysterio imagine #mysterio #ive made a huge mistake #spiderman #spiderman far from home

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canonicallysoulmates · 5 years ago

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Hi there, this is your friendly neighborhood tinhat speaking!

I've been a hat for a couple of years now and over these years I've seen a couple of misconceptions about us hats as well as confusion over what exactly a tinhat is, the interchable use of tinhat and shipper, confusion over the difference between us and shippers, and over terms like 'fence-sitter' and 'het stan', so I decided to make this, hopefully informative/educational, post adressing these things and what I would say are the most common misconceptions that I have seen about hats.

I will put most of this under a ‘Read More’ so those who wish to keep scrolling can do so; I do want to give the quick disclaimer before we begin that while I will be using 'hats' and 'we' and ‘us’ throughout this post all opinions are my own.

Ready? Let's get into it....

What is a tinhat? And what are the differences between a j2 tinhat and a j2 shipper?

Tinhats: I am a J2 tinhat. That means I belive that Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are in a romantic relationship with each other.

Shippers: J2 shippers tend to have quite a bit in common with hats and sometimes it's difficult to tell us apart but there is one big difference: most j2 shippers do not belive that Jared and Jensen are romantically involved. They might like the idea of them being romantically involved, they might call them husbands and say they're in love with each other but they don't actually believe they are together, to them J2 are heterosexual married men.

What about fence-sitters?

A fence sitter is somebody who straddles the fence between believing that j2 are together and not. Easiest way I can think to explain is somebody who keeps an open mind to the possibility that j2 are together but aren't 100% convinced that they are in fact together.

Het stans?

Het stans, also refered to as, wive stans, are those who stan the wives/the boys marriages to Danneel (D) and Genevieve (G). To them the boys are happily married heterosexual men, and from my experiece most will consider it an insult to even suggest otherwise.

So now you know what a tinhat is and the difference between hats, shippers, fence-sitters, and het stans:

tinhat = believe j2 are romantically involved

shippers = enjoy the thought of j2 being together but don't belive they are

fence-sitters = are open to the possibility j2 are romantically involved but aren't 100% convinced that they are together

het stans/wive stans = believe j2 are happily married heterosexual men. tend to get offended at the suggestion of otherwise

One last important thing before we continue, some tinhats don't mind being thought of as shippers, some shippers don't mind being thought of as tinhats, some shippers might also be siting on the fence, and some fans are only here for j2 and their acting and don't give a damn about their relationships and personal life. Not everybody uses one label or fits into one box and that's okay.

Now, with what we'll call definitions out of the way, lets get into some of the misconceptions that I've seen about us hats....

"Tinhats are not real j2 fans"

Not true! At all. Tinhats are as real and as much fans of j2 as non-hats. Just because we believe they are together and don't buy their happy hetero public image doesn't mean we don't love them, it doesn't mean we don't want what's best for them, it doesn't mean we don't want to see them happy and healthy, it doesn't mean they haven't inpacted our lives in positive ways, it doesn't mean we don't support and promote their projects and business ventures including monetarily by which I mean attending cons, buying photo ops, buying merch.

The only difference between a fan who's a hat and fan who is not a hat is their POV regarding the boys and their relationship.

The simple act of questioning things, not believing the happy marriages, and believing j2 are gay (or bi) and together romantically does not make us any less fans of j2. The fact of the matter is, and I do mean fact, if we don't state we're hats and made no hat posts you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between us and non-hat fans.

"Tinhats only love j2 because of their relationship with each other."

Also, not true. While we love j2's relationship - just like non tinhats love it too- we also love Jared and Jensen as individuals.

Believing they are romantically involved doesn't mean only loving them as a couple.

"Tinhats spend all their time obsessing over j2. They have nothing better to do."

Actually most of us have school, work, family, friends, pets, all sorts of day to day responsibilites. When we log in and make our little tinhat posts it's because it's our free time.

"Tinhats hate the wives"

While some hats are not fans of the wives (myself included although I feel hate is too strong a word: I dislike the wives) not all have a problem with D and G. Some hats simply don't care for them, some don't like one but not the other, some like one but not the other, and some hats are even fans of them or at least strongly like them; another version I have seen of this is that everyone who hates/doesn't like the wives is a tinhat which is also not true, there are those who don't like the wives, who think the marriages are shams and that the boys are not happy with D and G and they are not tinhats, some don't even like j2!

How a person feels towards Danneel and Genevieve and what they think of them is not an indication of someone being a tinhat! And being a tinhat doesn't automatically mean you hate Danneel and Genevieve!

And no, not liking the wives also doesn't make somebody any less of a fan of j2. Being a fan of someone doesn't mean being a fan of their social circle, or of their spouses.

“All tinhats are the same.”

No. The tinhat community is wonderfully varied, we come from all sorts of backgrounds, different parts of the world, different spiritual beliefs, different sexualities; we all have different opinions and views regarding j2, the wives and their relationship, we have different ways of sharing our opinion, some of us publically share our opinions and views on our pages some prefer to keep it to themselves or among their friends. We are not “all the same”.

Hopefully I've managed to clear up some misconceptions and confusion about us tinhats. Although I know most people will probably ignore this.... nonetheless if you read this whole thing thank you, and I hope you found it informative.

In quick summary: the tinhat community is filled with all sorts of different individuals, we all have our opinions and views, being a hat doesn't make somebody a fake fan, we love j2 as individuals not just because of their relationship with each other, we have lives outside of out tinhat accounts, not all hats dislike the wives, and not everyone who dislikes the wives is a hat.

Until next time this has been your friendly neighborhood tinhat,

#j2 tinhat #tinhat things #random tinhat thing is random #idk i just see some of this things a lot and though what the hell i'll make a post about it #i seriously debated posting this fyi #mine

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kelseyshljourney · 4 years ago

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My HL (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) Journey

“You have cancer”. I heard these words on a sunny July afternoon in 2020. July 23rd to be exact. I had a chest biopsy that was done that Tuesday, the 21st and anxiously waited for the results. I was not prepared to hear those words ever in my entire life nor is there anything that can prepare you for it. I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, Madison, at the time so you can imagine the emotions I was feeling were heightened because of the pregnancy. Let me start at the beginning. Welcome to my cancer story.

My cancer journey started during my pregnancy with my aforementioned daughter. I found out I was pregnant with our first child in February 2020. I’ll make it clear that I had a wonderful pregnancy (cancer stuff put aside) and my daughter is happy, healthy, and living her best life. We were wonderfully blessed to be on this journey of pregnancy and enjoying every part of it. Although, I would not recommend being pregnant during a pandemic. Now being in 2021, there’s more that we know about COVID-19 but the beginning was rough. During the first trimester of pregnancy, my midwife brought up information about genetic testing that is available to pregnant moms for their babies that can be done through a simple blood test. It’s a carrier screening test that’s optional but does check to see if I am a carrier for 3 genetic abnormalities (Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13). I almost didn’t do this blood test because whether or not I was a carrier for the 3 different abnormalities, it wouldn’t change the outcome of the pregnancy. If I ended up being a carrier, my husband, Rob, would also have to be carrier in order for it to be most likely passed down to our baby. I decided to do it because it was covered by my insurance and it was a quick visit to my clinic to get my blood drawn. No big deal.

I got the test done in April and then didn’t hear anything right away. I didn’t think much of it but I realized that I never got my results back on the test so I called my clinic to get my future appointments set up and then spoke directly with my midwife. She asked me if I heard anything from the lab about my results and I told her that I hadn’t. She ended up calling them and then called me right back. She said that my results came back as “inconclusive” as the lab could not determine if I was a carrier for any genetic abnormality because a lot of my DNA strands are incomplete with parts missing. My midwife said that out of her 30+ years of doing this job, she has never heard of this result before. Great. I was concerned about what this meant for the baby and concerned since my midwife didn’t know how to handle this. My care was transferred over to a Maternal & Fetal Medicine (M&FM) doctor who I saw for the rest of my pregnancy as I was now considered to be high risk. During this same week (the week of May 18th), I had a visit over the phone with a genetic counselor who told me that the result of the genetic test could be the cause of something as simple as being anemic (not getting enough iron) or something more serious like a tumor (whether benign or malignant). I was told that the least likely of it to be would be a tumor (I can laugh about this now but the irony). I also had a breast ultrasound at the hospital to make sure there were no lumps that could be causing this (there weren’t – I was clear).

At this point, I was feeling stressed but overall still feeling good and excited about my pregnancy despite this hiccup (or what I thought was just a hiccup). I had a few visits with the M&FM doctor and had more ultrasounds than a “normal” pregnancy so that they can check to make sure that Baby E was growing as she should and didn’t show any outward signs of a genetic disability. I had a lot of blood work done but it all came back clear and showing no signs of anything going wrong in my body. For a while, I felt like a test subject and with every test that was ordered and prick in my arm I was getting annoyed that I wasn’t getting to enjoy a “normal” pregnancy with all the visits that I had. I say “normal” because every pregnancy is different for every woman. When my doctor told me that the last thing she wanted to order for me was chest CT and an MRI to confirm there was not a tumor in my body, she promised she would let me enjoy my pregnancy and not order any more tests. I almost almost declined the MRI and CT because I felt like I didn’t want to go through that and be exposed to possible radiation and on top of that, I felt fine. God was really watching out for me and leading me in the direction to get the diagnostic tests done.

On July 8th, I had the MRI and CT done. I was with Rob when I got the call from my doctor that afternoon to go over the results. The MRI was unclear because of the baby moving but from what they could see, there was nothing that came up. However, the CT scan showed a mass in my chest that was the size of a distorted hockey puck; measuring at 7 ½ cm by 7cm by 2 cm and was located between my heart and my lung. I was watching Rob tear up and all I could say to him as soon as I hung up with my doctor was. “I’m going to be okay” over and over again. I think I was in complete shock over hearing that there is a tumor in my chest that could be cancer. We had my family over that night and I broke down several times throughout the night. I remember saying that I want to watch my child grow up (since we didn’t know the sex of the baby at the time) and I was scared that I wouldn’t have that chance. I went to bed that night thinking that I was going to die during the night because of the tumor. To be very clear, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts or anything but when I was told that I have a tumor in my chest, the first thought that went through my mind was that I wouldn’t live to see the next day. This sounds dramatic as I’m writing this but it's the truth. In reality, I probably have had this tumor for a year, two years, or even longer. No one truly knows.

Between finding out about the tumor and getting the chest biopsy done was about 2 weeks. I can tell you that it was the slowest 2 weeks of my life. During this time, Rob and I were busy packing and getting ready to move into our house. So on top of being in the middle of a pandemic, being pregnant, having a tumor in my chest (without knowing if it was cancer), we were moving too. These two weeks were filled with prayers and spending time with friends and family. I had many breakdowns but Rob helped by feeding me all my favorite foods (I was pregnant after all). We moved into our house on July 16th. It was a wonderful day and we are thankful for the friends and family that helped us move into our new space. It was an exhausting time but so worth it. As mentioned at the beginning of this, I had my chest biopsy on Tuesday, July 21st. They couldn’t put me under because I was pregnant but my midwife prescribed me something that would be safe to take while pregnant but will help calm me during the procedure. It was a surreal feeling laying on the procedure table seeing a needle sticking out my chest and moving with every breath I took. Without that medication, I would have probably freaked out since I knew that the needle was close to my heart and lung.

Me in post-op.

2 days later is when I got the call from my doctor telling me the life changing news: I have cancer. God works as wonderfully as he does because that day my mom and grandma happened to come over for lunch, a rare occurrence during the work week so they were there when I got the call. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (HL), which happens to be a very treatable cancer. My doctor told me that she has already been in contact with the oncology team at the hospital to have someone get a hold of me to get an appointment set-up right away. I called all of our family who came over to process the news with me. There were many tears shed between all of us and I couldn’t eat or drink anything because I was so stressed and worried about what this means for my future and Madison’s future. That night, I got a call from Dr. Anderson who became my oncologist during this journey. We met with him the following day at the hospital to go over my CT and MRI scan images and to go over treatment options. He discussed that the general treatment plan for HL was chemotherapy and possible radiation. He also discussed the staging (HL is staged from stage I to stage IV) but because I was pregnant, they were limited in what tests they could order to determine a true stage until after I give birth. For example, they would normally perform a PET scan to confirm where the cancer is in my body but weren’t able to because it’s not safe for the baby. I was originally stage I but borderline stage II because of the size of my cancer and they knew that because of the chest CT. One thing he suggested was to get a bone marrow biopsy done to confirm that the cancer hasn’t spread to my bone marrow (which is a common place for HL to be).

I can tell you now that doing the bone marrow biopsy rivals the pain of childbirth. I was 6 months pregnant when I had the bone marrow biopsy done and it is a very painful procedure. I had the biopsy done on August 5th and what they do is take two samples from my pelvic bone, a liquid sample and a solid sample. The thing is, they could only numb the area where the needle was inserted into my body but there was no way to numb my actual pelvic bone so that is where I felt the pain and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I’ll be honest, I cried during it but I luckily had a wonderful nurse who held my hand and talked me through the pain the entire time. Fortunately, the results came back confirming that there was no cancer to be found in my bone marrow. I was still considered to be stage I at this point in my cancer journey but that changed once I gave birth. I’ll get into that a little later.

This was the day after. I was very sore. Peep at the zubaz.

Now that the bone marrow biopsy was done, we met again with Dr. Anderson to go over options. I had the choice of starting chemotherapy while still pregnant (it’s generally safe since I was in my third trimester) or wait until I give birth to start. It was a very heavy decision to make. On one hand if I were to start chemotherapy while still pregnant, there are possible negative side effects for the baby: low birth weight, preterm labor (which ended up happening anyway), mental issues, and fertility issues. On the other hand, if I wait to receive chemotherapy until after the birth, am I putting my health at risk and possibly getting worse with the cancer? Rob and I went back and forth, talked to our families about it, and prayed – a lot.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to wait until after the birth to start chemotherapy. I was feeling good overall and not feeling the “normal” symptoms of HL. I was considered asymptomatic (not showing any symptoms) but here are the common symptoms for HL:

· Persistent fatigue

· Night sweats

· Fever

· Unexplained weight loss

· Severe itching

· Painless swelling of lymph nodes in neck, armpits, or groin

I came to the conclusion that whatever decision I made was the right decision. I knew that I wanted to ride out the rest of my pregnancy without causing any possible disruption to my daughter and her growth. In lieu of receiving treatment during pregnancy, I had to go in for weekly blood work to make sure that everything was still coming back normal (for a pregnancy). My oncologist did order a blood test that checked inflammation in my body. This is called an erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR) and the number was already elevated because of pregnancy but also if it was higher than what my oncologist wanted, it would help determine that there might be something bad happening in my body. The number slowly increased as the weeks went on and as I got more and more pregnant. Fortunately, the number was still low enough to satisfy my oncology team. I also had an echocardiogram on July 27th and lung function test on August 3rd to get a baseline on where my heart and lungs were. Of course being pregnant means that my lung function test came back with skewed results than what would be normal. They get these baselines since the drugs that I will be receiving during chemotherapy can affect the heart and lungs negatively so they want to keep a close eye on it. They both came back fine, my heart is strong and my lungs were functioning as well as they could with the rest of my organs pressed into them (yay pregnancy).

I had my last ultrasound for my daughter when I was 33 weeks pregnant and the last time that I would see the M&FM doctor as I would be seen every week until I gave birth with my midwife. Little did I know, I would be walking into the hospital on Sunday evening, September 13th because my water broke (I’ll never forget Rob’s face when they confirmed that my water broke – it was priceless!) A little worried but ready for anything, I was ready to give birth despite her being 6 weeks early. Since I was only 1cm dilated, the plan was to induce me the next morning and start the process of giving birth. Apparently my daughter Madison had a different plan because I spent the night dealing with veeerrry painful contractions before I got the epidural. Seriously, a game changer. When the doctors came in to check how I was doing with the epidural, they were surprised to find that I was 9cm dilated and told me that I was about to start pushing. Since I was without sleep and very tired and given the epidural, I was ready to do the damn thing. After an hour of pushing, Madison was born on September 14th at 6:51am! She spent 13 days in the NICU but was never needing any respiratory support at only being at 34 weeks but was healthy and happy.

Once Madison was home from the hospital, it was time for me to get started with my official cancer journey. On September 29th, I had a PET scan done and this helped to confirm everything we knew but also showed something unexpected; there was another lymph node that lit up in my chest too. This put me officially in stage II HL. The treatment plan remained the same though; I were to receive a chemotherapy combination of drugs abbreviated ABVD (every letter represents a different chemo drug). This part is hard to write because even discussing these drugs makes me nauseous and queasy (something that I don’t think will go away anytime soon). The “A” in the “chemo cocktail” side effect is hair loss. Something that I have prepared myself for, or as much as I could, but nothing can prepare you for when it actually starts happening. I knew that the hair loss was temporary and I would rather be bald for a short time than have cancer for the rest of my life. We got together with some friends at the end of September interspersed so they can meet Madison and also to spend some time together before Rob and I made the decision to lock down our house from visitors. We also made the decision to limit our circle of people that we will see in the coming months. We did this because we knew that my health was going to decline because of chemo and also with the threat of COVID, my immune system couldn’t take the risk of getting sick. It was a very difficult decision since we thrive on social situations and we love hanging out with our friends and family but it was vital that we don’t see many people. This really affected my mental health as I rely on our friends to get me through hard times and this was hands down one of the hardest times that I will probably go through.

Over the course of the next 6 months, I will experience the ups and downs (a lot more downs than ups) of receiving chemotherapy and the effect that this has on my body. I would never wish chemotherapy and the pain associated with it on anybody. I know that this was extremely tough on my family and friends to see me in such a state. Chemotherapy and the days after it are a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. It was my reality waking up every day and knowing that I still have cancer and have the possibility of getting really sick from it or something worse (don’t worry, I never got into a dark head space but I also needed to make sure I was realistic in all the possibilities). My only other experience with cancer is not a positive one. My sister in law, Beth, passed away from stage IV malignant melanoma on March 26th, 2017. From the time she was diagnosed to the time she passed away, it was about 6 months so you can imagine what was going through my mind when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease.

On Monday October 5th, I underwent outpatient surgery to get an implantable port that was put in my chest. This port is used for chemotherapy and is an alternative to having the nurses inserting a needle in my vein each chemo session because over time, the chemotherapy drugs can negatively affect strong veins. The port uses a special needle during chemotherapy to inject the drugs and connected to the port is a tube (I’m sure there’s a medical term but I’m not medically trained) that ran up to a main vein near my neck that was connected directly to my heart so that the drugs were dispersed quickly through my body. It was never painful during the time that I had it and I looked forward to the day when I would be able to get my port out because that means that I was cancer free and no longer receiving chemotherapy.

Also in post-op. Notice the 2 different spots where they cut open. The bottom cut is where the port rested.

On Thursday, October 8th, I had my first chemotherapy session. Luckily the hospital allowed one visitor to come with patients so Rob was fortunately able to come with me. My mom was staying with us for a few weeks to help with the transition of chemotherapy and making sure that someone was able to take care of Madison in case that I was not able to (thinking of this breaks my heart because I never wanted to be a position where I couldn’t take care of my own child). Rob and I showed up to the hospital early in the morning at about 8am and didn’t leave until a little after 3pm. It’s safe to say that it was a very long, draining, exhausting day. Not all chemotherapy sessions were this long but because it was my first one, there’s more that happens than normal. Walking into the oncology suite for the first time to get chemotherapy was nerve-wracking because I didn’t know what to expect. I also felt a lot of eyes on me from the other people also waiting to get chemotherapy and I knew they were looking at me because of my age. Most of them were a lot older. I did come across someone one time who was just a few years older than me (they usually ask date of birth when checking in so that’s how I knew) and I could tell it was his first time because he looked as nervous as I did during my first visit.

At the hospital, they have both private rooms and a public space too. We were lucky enough to get a private room and it made things a little easier and helped to ease my anxiety knowing that if anything negative were to happen, I wouldn’t be in a public area where other people could witness it. The first nurse that I had was Jen and she was incredible. I’ll say that every nurse that I had were awesome. Anyways, they stared out each visit by taking blood work through my port. They want to make sure that I met the threshold with my blood work to be able to receive chemo because if I am below that threshold for what they are comfortable with, I would be deemed too sick to receive chemo and it would have to be delayed. Luckily I never got to that point but I came close a couple of times. They mainly check my hemoglobin and my white blood cell count but there’s a few other numbers they check as well. I then had a visit with my oncologist who walked me through what each drug’s side effects are. It also was an opportunity to ask questions. The main side effects entailed nausea, lack of appetite, headaches, fatigue, numbness in hands and feet, and night sweats. To help curb the nausea, there were “pre-meds” that were given to me before I received the chemo drugs that mainly were anti-nausea drugs.

Once my oncologist left, it was just me, Rob, and Jen. Jen started to give me one of the pre-med drugs called Emend. It’s an anti-nausea drug that was given to me through my port. Jen just started the drip from the IV bag when I started to feel my chest tighten and my face got flushed. I asked Jen if it was normal to feel this way and she stopped what she was doing immediately and told me that it’s not normal. She stopped the drip right away, pressed a button in the room, and then all of a sudden, it went from the 3 of us to about 7-8 people in the tiny room. There were nurses, helpers, and a pharmacist that came in the room. Someone was taking my vitals (heart rate, oxygen level, and temperature), while the nurses there checking my legs for swelling. As soon as she stopped the drip, the tightening in my chest went away and I was able to breathe normally. My vitals came back fine but my heart rate was through the roof because having that many people in the room spiked my anxiety and then there were people that were sticking their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. It was slightly embarrassing because I felt fine and I don’t like being fussed over. The pharmacist explained that they will discontinue giving me the Emend but he also explained that this is not a common thing that occurs for most people so I most likely had an allergic reaction to the drug. Once everyone left my room, Jen gave me a huge dose of Benadryl to counteract the Emend so I ended up falling asleep for most of the session and I was in and out of consciousness so I don’t really remember much from my first session. I woke up periodically when Jen came in the room with the chemo drugs. I think Rob left the room for a little bit to get some food from the café and to stretch his legs.

The drug that always came first was the Adriamycin (A) which had to be administered by the nurse sitting next to me and slowly injecting it in a timely manner. The rest of the drugs, Bleomycin (B), Vinblastine (V), and Doxorubicin (D), were given via IV bags that were slowly administered over a period of time. When 3pm came around, I finished up my last drug and was able to leave. I went home and slept for a long time.

I received chemo every other week. I was considered to be toxic for the first 72 hours after, which means my bodily fluids should not be handled by anyone but me. Rob and I deemed our downstairs bathroom as the “chemo bathroom” so that’s what I used every time. After going to the bathroom, I have to put the toilet seat down and flush twice. If I vomited, I would need to be the one to clean it up but if someone were to help, they would need to wear a mask and gloves. Fortunately I never vomited during my cancer journey (mind over matter). For the rest of my chemo sessions, they were mostly uneventful. There was a point where the hospital changed their visitor policy and I was not able to bring Rob to the appointments so I had to go alone. This really took an effect on my mental health and negatively affected my health knowing that I would have to endure the sessions alone. I felt like my health declined during that time period so for a few months, I was going alone and sitting in the public area. I usually would bring our Nintendo Switch, read, or I would sit and watch Tik Toks. I would have a song in my head on how I was feeling that day so I would usually send the song to my family to let them know where my head space was at that day.

For those that are wondering, a chemo cycle is about a month long (28 days). In each cycle, there are 2 sessions. The plan was to do 2 cycles and then have a repeat PET scan done (which was the end of November) and then most likely 4 more cycles of chemo after that and then another PET scan (which was in March). As I mentioned earlier, one of the side effects from one of the chemo drugs is hair loss. My oncologist prepared me that I most likely will lose my hair. Easier said than done. I didn’t see any hair loss during my first cycle but I knew that it was only a matter of time. When I started my second cycle of chemo, that’s when it happened. It was the week of Halloween and I believe it was a Tuesday when I took a shower during the day. As mentioned before, my mom was living with us to take care of Madison and I am thankful that she was there. This is a vulnerable topic to discuss for me because even though I know the hair loss is temporary, our hair makes us part of who we are as people and you can’t convince me otherwise. When I started washing my hair, I pulled out a huge portion. I kept pulling out more and more hair and I broke down crying in the shower. I eventually made it out and showed my mom what happened. This was one of the toughest days of my journey. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours after that because I was emotionally and mentally drained. That night, Rob bought me my favorite food from a hibachi place close by our house and that helped my spirits a little bit.

The rest of the week I avoided washing my hair when I took my showers because I wasn’t ready to go through that trauma again because despite pulling out a few handfuls, I still had plenty of hair on my head. I said at the beginning of the journey that I wasn’t planning on shaving my head and that I would just keep what hair I could but I changed my decision on that. On Halloween was when I became bald. I was prepared this time when I went to take a shower as I brought in a few shower beers and had loud music playing. I walked out of the bathroom and showed Rob, who was watching Madison, the hair that I pulled out and with tears in my eyes, I asked him if he could shave my head. I can tell you that afterwards, I didn’t feel sad, I felt liberated more than anything because this was my decision and not something that the cancer could take away from me. I was in pretty good spirits and spent the night playing board games with my brother and sister in law. We dressed Madison up as a Chipotle burrito even though she didn’t like that (she wasn’t in it long). I now am in possession of a few wigs and some hair wraps and hats. My family has never seen me without a hat or a wig on because being bald is the only physical trait that links me to cancer. I want them to always remember me with hair because this is already tough on them that I don’t want them to have that memory of me.

One thing that I didn’t mention earlier but with the Bleomycin (B), this was a drug that caused my loss of appetite, fatigue, and overall nausea after each chemo session. This drug is known to cause negative effects on the lungs so I was carefully monitored by getting lung function tests done. The last one that I did was at the end of my first cycle where they saw a slight drop in my lung function so they stopped giving me this drug so I was only getting AVD for the rest of my cycles. My oncologist explained that it’s better to have some of this drug in my regimen than not getting it at all and it’s about 50% of the time that it’s dropped at some point during the chemo journey. I overall felt better and got my appetite and some of my energy back. I started working out again and felt like I could get through the day without feeling like I needed a nap. I probably would have napped more if I didn’t have Madison at home but I wanted to give as much attention to her as possible. I’ve said this many times to my family, friends, and coworkers, but Madison will always be my dose of serotonin when I’m having a bad day.

After going through 2 successful chemo sessions, it was time to get another PET scan done. This happened on November 30th. I got the results of the scan 2 days later with Dr. Anderson. He explained that the chemo drugs are doing their job and he saw a huge improvement in the cancer that was found in my body. The mass in my chest also decreased in size. He showed me the scans and I was blown away with the difference. Seeing the cancer light up in my body gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes but also seeing the improvement gave me so much hope. The game plan after this visit was to go through 4 more cycles (about 4 months) of chemo and then do another PET scan.

On December 30th, I was starting my 4th cycle and I wasn’t scheduled for a visit with my oncology team that day. I had my routine bloodwork done and then I was sitting in a private room waiting for my pre-meds when my nurse for the day came in. She told me that it was taking longer to get the blood work back because my white blood cell count was so low that they had to individually count my white blood cells. Individually. Count. Meaning, I was almost at the threshold of being too sick to get chemo and inevitably delaying treatment. The nurse warned to be extra careful and to avoid leaving the house since I could not risk getting sick now. I only left the house to go to chemo at this point so I wasn’t seeing many people anyways. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news and breaking down crying because I was scared. It’s hard for me to admit that and I felt scared during this process more than I let on to my family and friends because I hate feeling vulnerable. I was able to still get treatment that day but I also didn’t feel very good during that visit. This happened one other time, which happened to be my last chemo session that I had.

One scary event that happened was when I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I was in the middle of my workday, Madison was being watched by my sister in law at my house, and I was in the kitchen walking back to my computer when I started having a hard time breathing. I sat down and tried to take a few calming breaths. I calmly told Briana that I wasn’t able to take a proper breath and I then told her that I’m going to call my oncology team to see what they would recommend. I spoke with a nurse who told me to come in right away. She said she spoke with my oncology team who recommended getting some tests done to see what is going on. I went to the hospital and had an EKG done and also a chest CT. My oncologist said the EKG came back fine and so did the CT. They thought possibly that I could have a blood clot but that wasn’t the case. They recommended taking it easy and to take some ibuprofen when I got home, which I did and I started to feel better and was able to take a deep breath again. This happened on February 2nd. I didn’t have that feeling ever again.

On March 10th, 2021 is when I completed my 6th and final chemo cycle. Despite having a low white blood cell count, I was in pretty high spirits hoping that this was going to be my last chemo session ever. I had the last PET scan on March 22nd and went over the results with Dr. Anderson on March 24th. I was a bundle of nerves and holding Rob’s hand when my oncologist walked into the room and what he started saying was ominous. He started out by saying that the scans look good but aren’t perfect (okay?) but they didn’t want to leave anything to chance (alright, what does that mean?) He proceeded to show us the recent scans and then did a side by side comparison and was showing us the improvement. He then started going over the follow-up protocol for when I would get future scans, visits, etc. I had to stop him and ask outright, “is there cancer left in my body??” and he laughed and said that he probably should have started out the visit by saying that I am cancer free. CANCER. FREE. Even typing this, I’m tearing up. I started crying tears of joy, relief, etc. He said that I am officially in remission and in 5 years I will be considered completely cured of cancer. I’ll be getting CT scans done once every year and visits and blood work done every 6 months.

Dr. Anderson explained that the mass in my chest decreased in size to the point that he’s comfortable with not recommending radiation. He said that I have the option of speaking with the radiation oncologists but that he doesn’t feel the need for me to get radiation done. He knew that I was very against getting radiation if I could avoid it but of course I would listen to medical advice if it was strongly recommended. This was a huge sigh of relief since radiation would take a toll on my body. We left the hospital, I cried some more, and we went immediately to our families the life changing news. We spent the rest of the day at my parents house where Madison was and celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne and ordering sushi. I took the rest of the week off from work to relax and enjoy being cancer free. I got my port out on April 1st. It was such a wonderful and freeing feeling. I was looking forward to this day since I got it put in.

Again, post-op. I think my face says it all.

I can’t describe the feeling that when I check my next visit, it’s not until June. From May 2020 to March 2021, I’ve had a total of 47 visits that were cancer related (not even counting OBGYN visits). To provide a comparison before 2020, I would maybe have 4 visits during the year. We slowly have been spending more time with friends that we haven’t seen since before starting chemo and it’s been an amazing feeling. I’m looking forward to my hair growing back (and my eyebrows which slowly disappeared). If anyone asks me what my future plans are, I tell them that I plan to travel this year and focus on being a cancer free 27 year old. I’m also hoping that by sharing my story, it helps to spread awareness to the fact that it’s vital to get yearly check-ups by your doctor because you never know what might be happening without your knowledge. Also, if something doesn’t feel right, speak up.

I want to send a huge thank you to our friends, family, coworkers, our church, friends of friends, and any others that have prayed for us, brought meals and gifts over, or thought of us. I also want to thank Dr. Anderson and his team at Regions and for all the nurses that took care of me during my chemo sessions. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of love and support that I have felt during this entire journey and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m emotional writing this. Thank you.

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