#thanks for the sterling ESH submission

[figmentera]

I replied a couple of times but actually I need to go over this in detail because there's about eight separate issues here.

First: the practical, financial concerns. Sounds like time for a serious discussion with O about how long he expects the rest of you to subsidize E's residence here, given that he's not looking for a job. Acceptable answers here include: there's a deadline by which point E needs to be contributing fully again, O takes on covering E's expenses bc he's willing to support E, you just start refusing to pay more than you were before E lost his job, E pays the project fund to the house.

Practical issue: you do not have a safe and private place to be away from E, who you do not like. Maybe you should switch rooms with E, so you have a private space again, E can keep spending all his time in O's room without bothering you, and also if someone doesn't get a full room until money for repairs is raised it should be the person not fully contributing? Just a thought

Relational/spiritual issues: this is where O really starts getting the side-eye from me. E doesn't need to feel respect in his heart for your practice but he does need to not make condescending remarks. This should just be a boundary of living in any space. Really O should be handling this but you can and should just calmly say you will not listen to him disparage your faith and leave the room or something. "The way you're speaking to me is unacceptable" needs to be a constant refrain about this. He can hold whatever opinions he likes and the goal should not be changing those it should be telling him he can't act that way

Relational differences: I don't think the history or present of E and O's relationship should come into any of this. You and E don't like each other. Be more absent from their relationship rather than up in its details. Be elsewhere (bonus points if you can get a room back). Keep not having sex with them.

But maybe do have a conversation where you bring up the possible cheating? Some sort of quiet, "hey O are you aware that E and B appear to be hooking up while you're out of the house? Just thought you should know". That's not... ammunition you can use against E, that's facts O should know about this relationship.

Block A. Her terfy ass should be as out of your life as possible. Boom, done, no longer worried about her gossip about you.

But on a larger scale: are these really all the issues? It seems like most of these are about O not fairly enforcing house rules and inconveniencing everyone else because of his bias toward E. I don't personally think all the problems would be solved if E disappeared — you'd still be living in a falling-apart house with someone who enforces rules at his own whims. The reason people in the comments are calling this a cult is bc O has too much power and isn't using it fairly. Is this really where you want to be?

WIBTA if I asked my boyfriend to kick his boyfriend out of our communal living situation and out of our polycule due to “incompatibility”?

submitted 5/22/2024 ~💔🌈🏚️<- to find

I (26F) am considering asking my boyfriend O (32M) to kick out his other partner/boyfriend E (36M) from our communal living situation and our polycule, because E is not compatible with either our relationship or the group as a whole. Here’s the situation: The three of us currently live in O’s childhood home (his parents died and he inherited it), along with four other roommates who are not in the polycule. All of us split the bills evenly, except for E because he was recently fired from his job as a mechanic, so he pays a much smaller amount, which means all of us have to increase the amount we pay in order to keep up. This would be fine except E is not looking for a job and this is causing financial strain on all of us. It’s a large house and it’s very old so it tends to need a lot of maintenance, currently we have to get the roof repaired because a section of it caved in during a snowstorm (that part of the house is roped off because it’s still not fixed of course) and just my luck, my room happened to be on the floor below this, so O has me sleeping in his room because he’s worried floor above my room may have rotted from exposure due to the caved in roof. This will be relevant later. Now, here are the specific reasons why I want E out of here (aside from financial strain):

Everyone in the house is part of the same religious group. We are a neo pagan group (details not necessary for this but feel free to ask questions, but just know that we have some agreed upon beliefs and practices that we’ve developed over the past three years) and many in our group, including O, practice witchcraft. E, however, is a hardcore atheist, and is condescending towards us whenever we partake in our various practices. O thinks that E can be persuaded to respect us and that it’s just a matter of time, but I do not think that’s probable. O is the elected spiritual leader in the house (one: because he’s held these beliefs longer than most of us and brought us together, and two: it’s his house), so only O can kick someone out for religious reasons. We can vote to kick someone for abuse, but nothing E has done is technically bad enough.

He should be kicked from the polycule because I think he is using O either for sex or to make up for something he did back when they were in a situationship. The past between those two is very intense because it’s linked to E discovering his identity and it was O’s first relationship. It ended very badly on horrible terms, but they decided to give it another shot for whatever reason. E had an intense vendetta against me from the very beginning and he thinks that I’m delusional for believing O is in love with me because when O liked E it was “very different”. E has his own bedroom, but spends most of the time in O’s room, typically to have sex. Sometimes they want me to join in with them, but I usually decline because I’m suspicious of E’s intentions and I do not trust him. The one time I did agree to join in led to my unplanned pregnancy. I also think E is cheating on O because whenever O leaves the house, E brings over his ex B (33F), and those two hook up (or at least I assume they do because they lock themselves in the bedroom for hours).

On the cheating note, E has been getting checks in the mail from B, but he hasn’t been using this money to contribute to the bills, but rather stashing it away into a “project fund”.

B is dating my ex A (28F) and I know B has been gossiping to her because A has been posting to her private insta account long rants about “another perfectly good lesbian turned by dicks and witchcraft”, which could ONLY be referring to me because as far as I know, she hasn’t had any relationships in between ours and her’s and B’s. She is radfem and tradcatholic so the statement isn’t a surprise, but she only started posting that stuff After B started coming over, and she was kicked from the house for being intolerant, so it’s odd for her to start ranting about me now.

I think it’s unfair that my ex was kicked out for intolerance while I was still dating her, even though I objected (it was a toxic relationship and I was in deep), but O hasn’t kicked out E despite E also being intolerant and dating one of us.