#thanks drugs thanks satan thanks people who live in my phone and give me validation and support when i need 😊💗

[juspeczyk]

i have been so good about having a nightly routine and working on my sleep hygiene and keeping a pretty regular schedule. but today. is inventory at my work. and i have an overnight shift. and oooooooh boy howdy that upset has just RUINED my entire everything this week

[lucaordeusorlem]

PSA: DEPRESSION

Laughing and smiling doesn’t mean you aren’t depressed. Don’t let anyone discredit your depression because you actually were able to enjoy yourself. How fucking dare someone tell you, you are,’t depressed because you are ‘Happy’ most of the time. Have you ever heard of the saying “The people who smile the brightest are the most broken inside.” That is a direct relation to a smile being so rare on this person that when you do see them smile, it’s a rare sight to be enjoyed because they have such a beautiful smile and yet they don’t smile more.

How dare someone, a non-councilor, non-psychologist, non-psychiatrist, tell you that you do not suffer with depression because your symptoms 'Don’t even match up’ EVERYONE IS EFFECTED DIFFERENT. From ranging circumstances, severity, and ways it effects you.

HOW DARE SOMEONE SAY DEPRESSION IS RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS. Depression isn’t running away from your problems. Depression isn’t not knowing how to deal with your problems. Depression is a direct effect from the problems and situations around you. Depression isn’t something you get when you’re running away. Depression is having problems that can’t be fixed by you, or aren’t in your ability to fix, so you have no way of getting away from it.

HOW DARE SOMEONE SAY THAT IF YOU CHANGED SOMETHING IT’D GO AWAY. An example I can come up with would be your mom telling you that the solution to all your physical ailments whether headcold or a bullet wound, is to be on your phone less. How dare someone point out the problem area in your life that is one of your insecurities and tell you to change it. Stop telling someone that if they were more mature or responsible that there depression would be gone. Like, I wasn’t aware that being responsible made you numb to all the ailments of the world.

HOW DARE SOMEONE DISCREDIT YOUR DEPRESSION BECAUSE OF YOUR PRIVILEGE. “You’ve got a phone, a roof over your head, food in your stomach, but your depressed. Yet there’s starving kids in Africa-” YEAH I KNOW THERE IS. DOES THAT MEAN WE AREN’T ALLOWED TO FEEL DEPRESSED? ALL THAT ACCOMPLISHES IS MAKING THE DEPRESSED PARTY GUILTY FOR THE WAY THEY FEEL WHEN THEY ARE OH SO 'PRIVILEGED’ MAKING THEM FEEL EVEN WORSE AND SENDING THEM DOWN A SPIRAL OF EVEN WORSE DEPRESSION THEN GUILT THEN DEPRESSION THEN GUILT. People who live in a first world country will deal with first world problems. People in who live in a 3rd world country will seal with 3rd world problems. Stop comparing people’s problems to others, because circumstances are different. To put it into words for people who don’t understand, it’s exactly like Katy Perry saying no one will understand when she says she’s no fine. People think that since she is rich and famous she has nothing to be depressed about.

HOW DARE SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT YOUR SCARS OR SELF-HARM ARE A CRY FOR ATTENTION. Last time I fucking checked people aren’t sitting in their rooms like 'Oh shit if I cut my arm here at a 45° angle, with the depth increasing by .2mm per inch I bet Johnny will give me attention’ Like it just don’t happen. People don’t sit in their room cutting up their arms for attention. People usually hide there cuts from people. They don’t flaunt them to the world. It is in no way an effective coping mechanism, but first hand I know what is possible going through someone’s head. For me, cutting was a way to fill the pain I felt mentally, because I felt guilty and disgusted in myself for feeling pain when there was none. Cutting was a way to justify the pain I felt mentally, because it then followed suit physically.

HOW DARE SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT YOUR FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT WAS A JOKE. Having your life saved by the Hospital. Being admitted to Rehab. Getting rehabilitated into society and learning skills to cope with your depression, and using them on a day to day basis is nothing short of amazing. To tell someone that they weren’t even trying to kill themselves or “You know who really want to die? The people who killed themselves” is disgusting. To completely try and discredit someone’s depression and there very suicide attempt because, thank all the Lords, the earth, the stars, even Satan (if you’re into that), they failed is even more disgusting then telling a girl they deserved to get raped because of what they were wearing.

HOW DARE SOMEONE SAY THAT YOU ARE ONLY DEPRESSED WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. The example that went with this one is directly from that ^someone^ that prompted this rant in the first place. How can someone say that you are only depressed when you don’t have Marijuana or alcohol, that they are perfectly fine when they got either of them. To that I say, WELL YEAH DUH, DUMBASS. THAT IS CALLED SUBSTANCE ABUSE. USING SUBSTANCES LIKE ALCOHOL OR WEED TO GET HIGH OR DRUNK IN AN EFFORT TO FORGET LIFE’S PROBLEMS AROUND YOU IS CALLED SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Feeling like you can’t be happy or even function in society without them is a dependency that most people use to cope with depression, anxiety, and any other problems.

THEN TO GO ON AND SAY THEY ARE ONLY DEPRESSED WHEN THEY ARE SOBER. THEY ARE DEPRESSED WHEN THEY ARE SOBER BECAUSE THEY ARE DEPRESSED PERIOD. THE MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL ARE A TEMPORARY FIX TO THE PROBLEMS THEY FACE. This is obvious. People think that people who are constantly stoned or tipsy just are generally content or happy people, because they are dependent on these drugs and are stoned 90% of their day to cope. When they are sober and act depressed. IT AIN’T BECAUSE THEY ARE SOBER. LIKE THEY AREN’T SAD BECAUSE THEY GOT NO WEED, MY GUY. IT’S JUST THEIR RESTING PERSONALITY. The personality they’ve so expertly hidden from the world through suppression of feelings from the assistance of substances.

HOW DARE SOMEONE PICK AND CHOOSE WHO THEY THINK IS DEPRESSED. You can’t pick and choose who you think is depressed. You can’t just decide that someone’s circumstances are different so they are valid. You can’t just decided that your closer friend’s feelings are more valid because you are closer. The example from ^someone^ was that his biological son was depressed, and us, his unbiological daughters were also depressed. His biological sons depression was valid, but ours were not.

AND LASTLY, SINCE THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG. HOW DARE THAT SOMEONE DISCREDITING YOUR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, HISTORY WITH CUTTING, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, AND SADNESS BE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK UP TO. A FATHER OR STEPFATHER. The people in this world, your parents of all things, should NEVER EVER be the ones discrediting your depression. At that point they are being hypocritical and doing exactly what they think we are: Running away from their problem. They don’t want to admit that something is going on with your child, so you’d rather deny the way they feel entirely.

It’s so disgusting to have the person who is functioning as your parental figure, be the one to discredit your feelings. The one that you believed you could talk about anything with.

To the people in this world who believe that it’s just an act and the people suffering with depression just need to get their shit together and start 'sniffing the roses’ of the real world,

I feel pity for you. I feel sorry that you have grown up so ignorant. To be an adult and still be the ignorant one about mental health, is really really dissapointing. You need to be the one people look up to. You need to educate yourself on mental health, mental illnesses, and coping skills before you open your mouth.

And especially, as a parental figure, who has experienced depression yourself, substance abuse yourself, as a teen. You should be more considerate and understanding of the way people feel, especially because you are comparing others depression to your own experience to judge whether or not someone is depressed.

Mental health is extremely important. It needs to be spoken about more often. Not just in schools for children. But in workplaces for adults. Awareness is one thing, being knowledgeable of Mental illnesses and coping skills to better your child’s life is another.

Depression and Suicide are not a joke or something that should be dismissed. This is a site that has helplines listed for every area,

http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines

I don’t know who this message will meet. So I’m catering to all.

[highstandards-nomotivation]

Your Choice is Vaild

The day was April 8th, 2017. It was the first decent weathered day that seemed encouraging - a day that promised the return of spring. I felt happy and alive and happy to be alive; something I have had difficulty feeling lately. I felt light, like I could float away at any second, so I was in the constant grasp of my partner in the back seat of their mother’s car. As a passenger, I am constantly taking in the environment around me, constantly looking and examining the world. It’s usually a lovely time; taking in the nature and architecture of old buildings, the history a town has. Although that was not the case for this passenger observing excursion. As we approach the intersection of Gordon and College, I could see from a distance there were two men holding signs. I became interested as to what the signs were advertising or advocating, so I made sure to pay attention to them as we got closer. Every spin of the car wheels brought me closer. Closer to something that made me want to whither up in the backseat and turn to dust, something that made me internally sob for hours, something that reminds me of the haunting dreams I am still not able to shake. We just drove by two grown men holding large anti-abortion signs. I only got a good look at one of the signs before I had to look away out of fear of throwing up. The huge sign displayed dismembered body parts from a late-term abortion to shame those considering it, or those who have already done it. Late-term abortions are only done when the fetus is dead, not going to live outside the mother’s body, or the fetus causes too great a heath risk to the mother - so overall not a great portrayal of abortion if you are wanting to deter people from it. Abortion in the way it is commonly performed is the removing of a cluster of cells that have yet to resemble anything human. The cells and tissues are removed either by an invasive procedure using a suction device or the patient is given medication that will pass the tissues without the invasive method listed above. This is what they are trying to shame people about, to guilt people, to drive them to the brink of insanity. That’s where I was for the most of the car ride after that, I was driven to the brink of insanity.

Flashback to 2015

I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship with a guy, who I have now dubbed Satan. Looking back on the relationship I realized I never really loved him, he just manipulated me into what I thought love was and wouldn’t allow me to leave the relationship. I tried to leave a few times, but he would break down and say he would kill himself if i ever left. I took this to heart as my best friend in 7th grade killed himself and tried to contact me right before he did - I wasn’t going to be the reason someone else took their life. So against my better judgement, I stayed. This relationship came with a set of rules, never explicitly said or written down, but highly implied; I could never say no to sex (any form), I could never talk about my passions , I could never hang out with people without him, I could never not have my phone on my person at all times. Those are just a few of the “rules”. I continue looking back and I realize I was never a girlfriend, I was a housemaid, a grocery shopper, a taxi cab, a bank and a sex toy. Mainly a sex toy. I couldn’t reject any notions, I couldn’t make myself comfortable, I couldn't make my sexual voice heard. He would initiate the notion of sex by making the room pitch black and putting on heavy metal music. This is a night I will never forget, not because it was amazing sex, but because it was the night I became no longer one being, but two. He told me he was wearing a condom, like he always did, but tonight he was lying (leaving me to question how many other times he had done this without my knowledge). All the ingredients were collected together to create a life. Egg and sperm met just as my whole world fell apart.

I missed my period, like clockwork my period would arrive and I was over 5 days late. It took me 2 days of sitting in the car outside of the Shoppers Drug Mart to work up the courage to buy a pregnancy test. Once I got back home I locked myself in the washroom for hours. For hours I paced and cried. I already knew I was pregnant, I could feel it. I didn’t want to take the test to confirm it because I knew there was no way I could keep the baby. The only problem is I loved him so much - my baby that is, not Satan. Once I finally took the test, my theory was confirmed. I never thought I could be haunted by something as simple as two little pink lines.

I told no one. In complete solidarity I tried to figure out what I could do. I wanted to keep this baby, I loved him so much, even though he was just a collection of cells… I wanted the baby. I called him spud, until one night I dreamt of holding a little baby boy who I kept calling Addison. I would day dream about raising the best child I could. I was so in love with him and the possibly of the great things he could do in his life. However, there was no feasible way to keep him. I knew deep down in my heart that I hated my boyfriend, and if I were to have this baby I would need to keep in contact with him forever. My parents hated my boyfriend and would not support my choice at all. There are so many more justifications I could give you, but that’s the thing - I shouldn't have to justify my heartbreak of aborting my baby. I would not have been able to give this baby the good life it should get. He was perfect, but the timing just wasn’t right.

December 19th, 2015 - also known as the worst day of my life. On this day I drove myself to my appointment at a women’s clinic (I wasn’t supposed to drive to or from the appointment but I couldn’t tell anyone, I was so ashamed. Thus I drove myself). The whole car ride I cried, and repeated the same word over and over and over and over again: “sorry.” This was not something I wanted to do, I don't think anyone ever really wants to have an abortion - it’s your last resort. I tried everything, I was up day and night planning if there was anyway I could keep this baby, and the results were always definitive - I could not keep this baby. So there I was, sitting in a waiting room all by myself, my entire body shaking and tears streaming down the side of my face. The receptionist came and sat beside me, handed me a box of tissues and told me I was making the right choice. As they called my name I was brought into a tiny room, my crying had finally subdued. My finger was pricked to indicate my pregnancy and I was told exactly what was going to be happening throughout the duration of the procedure. My eyes were dry until the moment I got brought into the procedure room and was asked to take off my underwear - this is when I knew there was no turning back. I lay on a cold table as they insert an IV that has a mild sedative in it so I don’t feel so much of the pain. My legs are placed in stirrups, something is inserted into my vaginal cavity to expand it, and a vacuum is placed in my uterus to suck out the cells. I sobbed the entire time - 50% from the fact I was not going to have a baby and 50% from the immense amount of pain. I thought I deserved the pain that I was feeling so I took it with no complaint. I sat in a recovery room vomiting, my body didn't respond very well to the sedative and pain, with other women who had just gone through the same thing. There was a monumental range of different feelings in that room. Some were relieved, some were sad, some felt guilt and some felt nothing at all. As I was given the okay to leave, I jumped in my car and went home. I laid in my bed for the whole weekend battling tears and horrible gut-wrenching cramps. I became ridden with shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I never dealt with those feelings, I just pushed them into the back of my mind until April 8th 2017.

As I watched the men and their posters fade smaller and smaller into the background, I couldn't stop myself from thinking “what the fuck do they care?” They are men, they should have no say in abortion - they aren't the ones whose whole body changes and carries a life to term. If someone can’t or just doesn't want to have a baby, that’s their choice. The right to safely terminating an unwanted/unhealthy/unviable pregnancy is something that has been gifted to us in the 21st century. I don’t understand why people want to take away someone’s ability to chose the way their life is going to play out. I saw that sign and all I could think about was my little spud. I felt a moment of incredible sadness over what I had done, but then realized that I did what I needed to do to ensure a good life for myself, so that later on in my life I can provide a great life for a child. The whole rest of the car ride I was reassuring myself that it was the correct thing to do. My heavy heart is still heavy, however it has lightened. The self-hatred is no longer there, because the life that I am living right this moment is going to shape my life into a great one. A life that I could use to support and raise a great human being. I feel confident in my choice, and I am beyond thankful I got a choice. I will support anyone who has to go through this process - because I have reflected on my experience and no one has to go through it alone. Your choice is valid, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, you have to make your life one you want to live. The next time I see protesters, I am not going to idly sit there in my own shock - I will be ready. They tried to take away my ability to be powerful, but I know for a fact that I am a force to be reckoned with. I had to make a choice, and I made it and for once in my life - I am glad I did.