#thankfully my “devastation” was nothing similar at all

[indelibleme]

I had a panic attack today.

Don't worry, this post isn't about that. (maybe a little bit, but not really). So, if I ghosted any of my IRL friends today, and you're reading this here, you proabably know why now.

This post is me trying to make light of the whole thing. Not panic attacks in general, but mine specifically, because it turns out I cope by writing -- and tumblr is a great way to be truly anonymous about it. The number of times tumblr buries my emotions whenever something like this happens is.... innumerable lol

So! New thing I learned today, is that all that hysterical laughter we see in shows/movies/anime? Specifically when something devastating has happened that they can't cope with? true lmao. I kept thinking it was exagerated, at least a tiny bit! Like, surely no one *actually* burts into manic laughter like a B-rated villain? Seems utterly preposterous.

Alas, no. Sorry for doubting all those writers/actors/animators lmao. It also happened in the exact same way? line of events? process? idk what to call it. I spent a long time numb, not processing (longer than most, probably. like, nearly the entire night, then all of the next day), until i talked about it. And well, talking made the whole numb thing go away quick, real quick. Then I was emotional, then I was sobbing, and then -- honest to god laughing. Loudly, madly, with definite hsyteria. And then i was calm. or maybe apathetic? A mixture probably.

So, maybe this post was about the panic attack after all.

The whole blow up of emotions helped, if I have to be honest. I did feel better afterwards (now), enough to actually eat well, talk to my parents without giving one-word non-answers, and feeling cut-off from anything that gave me pleasure. (I didn't even work on my fic - really sorry about the lack of a chapter update! I promise I'll do so soon -- it's a big bang fic, so it is complete, don't worry!)

And now I'm here. There's no moral to be gained from my story here (except don't bottle up emotions too long? but honestly, its a case to case basis). I just wanted to get this off my chest, that's all.

x

[im-no-jedi]

alright. it’s finally time. after almost four years, the series that radically changed my life is coming to a close. I’ve seen several other people make posts about this, so I think it’s only fair that I write my own. be warned, this is going to be long, rambly, and only somewhat coherent LOL

when this show was first announced, I was shocked. although I had fallen in love with the Bad Batch during their arc in TCW, I was unsure how an entire show surrounding them could work. I was even more skeptical after I saw the trailers, which had this mysterious child show up. and as I’m sure all of you know by now, my feelings quickly turned around just after the first episode. I immediately was endeared to Omega and looked forward to seeing how the rest of their story played out. by the time the first season had ended, I was already deep in the planning stages of writing out my self-insert series, MLWTBB.

I honestly didn’t expect to love this show as much as I do. but I quickly realized why after the first season ended. (I'm gonna sound like a broken record for some of you, I'm sure LOL)

firstly, the characters. like I said, I loved TBB from the moment we saw them in TCW. and I immediately liked Omega as well. but the way these characters have been portrayed and fleshed out has only endeared them to me more. it became clear to me very quickly that these guys were an eerily similar analogy to my own family. I already saw a lot of myself in Hunter, but the rest of my family are very similar to them as well, even down to certain dynamics between each of them. not only that, but their struggles also mirror my family in that we’ve suffered several losses in our lives too. my mom sobbed like a baby when Kamino was destroyed because she saw similarities between that and a similar loss we’d endured irl. which, for me, is why it hits SO much harder when something bad happens to them. Plan 99 was devastating for many reasons, but for me, because I see so much of my dad in Tech, it felt like I was losing both of them. and having already had struggles with my dad irl… yeah. I feel like these guys ARE my family now, which has been the running theme in MLWTBB. and it's been cathartic both seeing them get through their struggles in the show, as well as portray my own struggles through my writing.

speaking of my writing, this show has inspired me so much creatively, that literally nothing else is comparable. I had already ventured into the realms of digital art previously to watching this show, as well as publicly sharing some of my writing. but not only did my art significantly improve due to all the pieces I was drawing for this show... but my writing skyrocketed. I finished writing a fanfic for the first time since I was FOURTEEN. and I've both written and finished several stories since then. and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. my art and writing will continue to flourish long after this show is over, I'm certain of that 😁

another thing is the real life impact this show has had on me. and honestly, this is the big one.

some of you have been following me for over a year or more now, so you'll probably recall the struggles I've had with my mental health, especially last year. I'd suspected that I had some mental disorder for a while now, but it was only last year that I really began to pursue the idea of getting diagnosed and treated. it of course began in therapy, then moved to having discussions with my parents about it. everyone was very supportive of me, thankfully... except for one person. myself. despite all of the work I'd done to move forward in my life, this was the hurtle I was struggling with the most. the fear of the unknown has always terrified me the most, so this unfamiliar territory was like a nightmare-scape to me.

then "The Crossing" happened.

fandom had headcanoned Tech being autistic for a while previous to this episode, myself included. some even liked to think all of them were neurodivergent in some way, again myself included. so when this episode dropped and we basically got the confirmation that our headcanon was correct? that. that was the push I needed. seeing this character that I love SO much in a show that I love SO much not only confirming his neurodiversity, but embracing it??? I literally told my mom that weekend that I was finally ready to get tested. and the rest is history. I'm now officially a part of the ND gang, and I've never regretted it for one second \o/

not only that... but I'm on meds now. meds that have altered my brain in such a way that I've NEVER felt before. my anxiety and depression no longer have a hold on me, and it's all thanks to this show 💙💙💙

and leading into that, the last thing I wanna mention is the connections I've made through this show. my entire family is (mostly) SW fans, so I've always had them to fangirl and discuss SW shows with. but I've missed having friends outside of the family to connect with. it's been YEARS since I've been involved in a fandom that had such a lovely group of people. and I know what some of you might say. and you're right. of course there's toxicity, just like any other fandom. but I can honestly say, I haven't met such a welcoming and friendly group of individuals as I have with this fandom. I've made some real, true, long-lasting friendships because of this show, and I'll be forever grateful for that. do the meds help? absolutely. but remember, I never would've even been on meds rn if not for this show either!!

and on that note, I just wanna call out some of the lovely people I've met, some whom I've only gotten to know recently! 🥰

@photogirl894 my beloved Morgan, my little sis, the Omega to my Hunter. you've been nothing but a joy and a blessing to me since the day I met you. I truly believe the Lord led you to me so that I could properly start this journey towards recovery and growth. I love you SO much, sweetie, thank you for being you 💙💙💙

@heyclickadee my dear friend, the conductor of the Tech Lives train. I've so appreciated your insight and wisdom in regard to all of the insanity. you genuinely helped get me through my depression after Plan 99, and you've continued to uplift me with your positivity and hopefulness. may we finally get to see our nerd alive and well again in your honor 🙏🏻

@clonethirstingisreal sweet Carol!! fellow Hunter simp!! getting to know you has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful! I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see an older fan amongst the young'ins LOL. we've been able to relate to each other in SO many ways, it still astounds me. I look forward to seeing your journey progress in hopefully similar ways to mine! 🥰

@lightwise @freesia-writes @better-to-bee @probadbatch (spacing this out so y'all get tagged properly)

@jedi-hawkins @anxiouspineapple99 @arctrooper69 @sunshinesdaydream and everyone else I've gotten to know both here and on Discord, THANK YOU!!!! thank you for letting me into your lives and for all the joy and laughs we've had together. I consider you ALL my friends, and I'm blessed to have met you all 💙💙💙💙💙

and finally, because I know she'll berate me if I don't mention her too, my best friend and irl sister @jam-n-ham. gurl, we have been through it, haven't we? you've been the sole witness to my reactions every week, and for that, I apologize LOL. but we have fun, at least, right? 😆 we've spent HOURS talking about this show, and I'm sure we'll have many more hours to come. you've also supported me and my writing, which I'm eternally grateful for (even if you can barely stomach the Hunter romance scenes ROFL). I can't wait to add in your additions to the story, and for you to see what I've been cooking up 😁 thanks for always being my no.1 bestie 🥰🥰🥰

I don't feel like rereading this before posting, so if there's any typos or whatever, oh well. the fact that I even got all of this out tonight is a miracle honestly haha. now if you'll excuse me, I have to start compiling every single box of tissues we own before tomorrow 😝

oh, and one last thing. an addendum if you will. I haven't been posting much of my thoughts about the finale for many reasons, but I'll just say this. ever since "The Return", I've been rotating Hunter's last words to Crosshair in my head, on repeat.

enough said✨

[yumiyue07]

Heartstrings in Seoul

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

A wry smile played on your lips. "That 'helpful' colleague I asked to input the slides? Miraculously, she had the entire data set printed out for everyone. 'As a precaution,' she claimed, her voice dripping with faux innocence."

"She what?! What a sneaky move. Clearly intentional," H/N exclaimed incredulously.

"But hold on," he continued, a frown creasing his forehead. "Those were your printed slides. Surely your department head noticed, didn't she?"

"That's what I thought, too, until I got a closer look. She'd revised everything, subtly changed the wording, claimed the data as her own."

A mix of anger and disbelief bubbled within you. "That snake was watching me," you whispered, gripping the teacup tightly, "waiting for my reaction."

"What did you do?" H/N asked eagerly, clutching the stuffed animal tighter, almost as if he were watching an exciting scene in a drama.

You met his gaze, a cold fire burning in your eyes. "I looked at her and gave her a poisonous smile. I went through all the possible options in my head to get back at her later."

"And her response?" H/N queried, taking a sip of his tea absentmindedly.

"She returned the same venomous smile, a flip of her hair thrown in for good measure. It was a silent declaration of war."

"Ugh, what a..." H/N began, shaking his head in disdain.

"When the big meeting was finally over," you recounted, taking a shaky sip of tea, "I knew I had to confront her. Thankfully, our department head was still occupied in another meeting, so I had a moment's reprieve from her."

"She was waiting for me in our office with a few other colleagues. When I confronted her, she calmly claimed she had incorporated the slides into the presentation as I had asked. She just reorganized the data for her own understanding and then made copies in case the participants didn't understand my data presentation. How good that she had worked so proactively, the others praised her. I should be grateful to her for saving our department," you continued, tears welling up again. Gripping your cup tightly, you trembled with emotion.

"It's so unfair," you sobbed, tears streaming down your cheeks once more. H/N gently stroked your cheek, his touch a soothing balm.

"That's true, it is unfair," he murmured. "But you did nothing wrong. Except trust a colleague who should never have stabbed you in the back, especially not at such a crucial meeting," he reassured softly.

You nodded weakly, the anger starting to simmer beneath the hurt. "I just left after that. What else could I say? She knew what she had done. I could still hear her laughing at me as I walked away. But that wasn't the end."

You paused, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. He took your hand in his, his strong fingers lacing with yours in a silent promise of support. You could feel the warmth of his concern radiating from him, and the sight of his worried expression tugged at your heartstrings. He hated this sight. His heart ached to see you like this, feeling responsible for your distress after you had moved to be with him, leaving everything behind. He longed to see you happy and not so devastated.

"After the lunch break, our head of department came to see us," you continued, your voice trembling with emotion. H/N stiffened instinctively, his jaw clenching at the implication. He had encountered enough similar situations in his career to recognize the pattern.

You recounted the humiliating ordeal, her harsh words echoing in your mind. The image of your colleague basking in false praise fueled a bitter anger within you.

"She scolded me in front of the entire team. She asked me if I was actually too stupid to create and insert a few slides. She questioned my competence and told me to learn from the 'snake' who had supposedly saved us today," your voice broke, tears streaming down your face uncontrollably.

Unable to bear seeing you in such distress, H/N pulled you close, enfolding you in a tight embrace, hoping to offer some comfort amidst the pain. "Shh, it's okay," he murmured, his voice a soothing balm. "They're all just blind to how talented you are. They just don't want to admit it. That's why this 'snake' is copying you. I know how capable you are and how hard you work, Y/N," he whispered soothingly, planting a kiss on your head.

As you gradually regained your composure, a wave of shame washed over you. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cry like this," you mumbled, wiping away stray tears.

"Don't apologize for feeling this way. You can be yourself around me—cry, vent, be silly. Show me your honest expression, always," he reassured you, his eyes filled with unwavering support. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. A faint smile graced your lips in gratitude.

"Before I left work, she came to me again and essentially told me to find another job if I couldn't deliver impeccable work," you recounted, your voice tinged with frustration. H/N regarded you seriously, his gaze unwavering.

"I hate this," he murmured, his voice low and intense.

To be continued...

♡

Stay tuned for part 5!

Love, YumiYue 🌙

(⌒▽⌒)💜

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[the-mid-realm-creator]

ok, I promised myself that I wouldn’t do this until I was able to draw him out but…I don’t know if that will ever happen so….yea.

anyway, I got a sun and moon show/earth and lunar show au. Nothing really big lore or show wise so far but it’s a start. It doesn’t have a title either. Show is pretty much the same but with my additive being myself and an oc. his name is Glitch Eclipse, and he’s the code-wise biological son of our eclipse. He was accidentally created when Moon and I (or my sona) managed to snip a piece of Eclipse’s code to study and find a way to separate him from Sun. This was long before all the mess happened and eclipse was getting stronger in taking control. Neither Moon nor I expected to see the code snippet grow and learn things, as if hearing us. Moon wanted to study it more as it grew and soon ended up too big for the computer it was in. So I requested that we make it a body and watch it. Unfortunately, that was around the time the October takeover would happen. Thankfully, Eclipse never found out about glitch or the body until much later.

Now for some interesting facts about glitch:

Glitch has Eclipse’s and Moon’s wit and intellect on tech and machines but it always curious and willing to learn new things.

his color scheme is similar to his dad but the colors are softer He thankfully never got his dad’s personality or ego and doesn’t really like his father, especially after what happened during the October takeover.

He sees Moon, Sun, and Lunar as his uncles but is still unsure about Earth. He hates the creator as much as everyone else but for different reasons.

Glitch develops powers like his uncle Lunar however he is not seen as a threat by the celestials as of now since its not star power.

Glitch likes music

Glitch was a bit closer to Moon than Sun so he was heartbroken and devastated when he learned Moon reset himself.

That was the first time he ever cried since his creation.

much like uncle Sun and his mom (me), glitch doesn’t like horror games

Glitch snorts when he really laughs

[asnowfern]

Hey Elain

Summary: When Elain is left devastated and jilted, a series of voicemails from Lucien is all that keeps her going.

TW: Dub-con. Not between Elucien

A/N: Inspired by "Go" by Boys Like Girls. Dedicated to my sister who went through a similar horror but found the strength to get through it (albeit with a much more supportive husband). Love you sis.

"I was drunk!" Elain cries in despair, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Stop making excuses, Elain" Graysen cuts in coldly, "You cheated on me."

"Elain?"

Elain jumps out of her skin as Nesta's voice interrupts her thoughts through the door. The door opens a sliver and Nesta pops her head in. "Elain? Lucien is here."

Elain continues to stare at the ceiling, unable to move. "I can't." She says softly, her voice betraying exactly how broken she feels.

Nesta's face softens. "You take all the time you need. It'll be okay." She pauses for a bit, closing the door when she realises she will not be receiving a response from her sister.

Nothing is okay. Elain thinks bitterly. Nothing is okay after she woke up this morning, naked in Hybern's bed nursing the worst headache of her life. Nothing is okay after Graysen chased her out of their apartment, furious at her apparent betrayal. She would cry herself to sleep but she seems to be all out of tears. So Elain stares emptily at the ceiling.

Her phone buzzes. She ignores it.

It buzzes again.

You have one voicemail from Lucien Vanserra.

"Hey Elain, it's me. I heard about what happened with Hybern and Nolan. I'm here for you, Elain. Anything you need. Just call me when you're able."

Elain listens to the voicemail five more times before she turns her phone off.

****

She receives another voicemail the next day.

"Hey Elain, it's me again. I passed Nesta those croissants you love from the bakery by the Rainbow bridge. Please, just eat something."

She locks her phone and tosses it aside. It bounces off the bed and drops on the floor, cracking the glass screen. She lies back down on her bed. Fuck it all, she thinks numbly.

Her stomach grumbles after a few hours and she thinks back to Lucien's message. Sighing, she pokes her head out of the room to check if Nesta's home. Thankfully, her sister seems to still be at work. She quickly grabs the croissants from the kitchen island and heads back to the guest room she was occupying.

At least, the croissants were good.

****

Elain stares at the boxes. It has only been two days. Two days before Graysen had all her belongings packed up and shipped out. Two days was all it took to unravel three years of relationship. Elain's throat tightens and her eyes sting.

"What a complete arsehole."

Elain whips her head back to see Nesta fuming by the door. Her fiance, Cassian, stood behind her, eyes hard and angry. Anger on her behalf, she realises belatedly. But their anger was misplaced, she was a slut.

"He's entitled to it." She says despondently, feeling the need to defend him. "He's right. I-i cheated on him."

"No, don't you dare." Nesta cuts in fiercely, "Don't you think that for a second. What happened was not consensual." Nesta crosses the room to hug her tightly. "It's not your fault." She says reassuringly, gently stroking Elain's hair. That releases the dam and Elain cries into her sister's shoulders for an hour.

The next time she checks her phone, she has another two voicemails.

"Hey Elain, I hope you're feeling better today. I'll come by later to drop off those lucky dumplings that you'd like. Please eat, I know how you are when you're upset."

*beep*

"I can't imagine how hard this must be but there is an end to the tunnel, Elain. Please believe in it because I believe in you."

Elain spends the rest of the day staring at the ceiling, replaying those words in her mind. Maybe if she repeats them enough, she will believe them.

****

Elain collapses onto the bed. She did it. She managed to pull herself together long enough to get through her lectures and all the side whispers.

Her phone buzzes again. She lets it go to voicemail.

"Open the door, Elain."

A pot of Snowdrops sat at the door. Snowdrops - a symbol of hope and innocence but also expresses sympathy for someone going through a rough time.

There is an end to the tunnel, Elain. Please believe in it because I believe in you.

Nesta smiles when she sees Elain carefully tending to the pot of flowers that evening.

****

Elain opens her eyes to see Hybern lying naked next to her. To her absolute horror, she is equally naked under the sheets. She racks her pounding brain for any clue on the night before. She was at a pub crawl organised by her fellow university mates. She remembers drinking shots at the first bar but all memories after the second pub were black.

"Good morning." Hybern greets, his voice low and husky. Elain's skin crawls.

"What happened last night?" She asks in dread. The man grins filthily, "Don't you remember? We had such a great time. I even have pictures and videos to commemorate the occasion."

Elain freezes, her tongue sour in her mouth. No, no, no. This cannot be happening, this has to be a nightmare. "No." She whispers aghast, "You lie."

"Is that a risk you're willing to take? Especially with dear Graysen?" He asks. The underlying threat evident in his tone.

She shuts her eyes tightly and asks, "What do you want from me?"

"Hmm… what to do?" He asks tauntingly, "Maybe I'll be inclined to delete these lovely videos if you make it worth my while."

"What do you want?"

"One hour where you'll do anything I tell you to."

"And then you'll get rid of them?"

"Yes."

"Fine, it's a deal."

Elain does not think she can ever forget the cruel triumphant look in Hybern's eyes, when he shoved her head roughly down to his hardening cock. A sadistic glint appears when she lets out a whimper of pain at the rough treatment.

"Do you like this? Sucking my cock dry?" He asks tauntingly, his thrusts deep and rough. Tears streaming down her face as he continually forces himself down her throat.

"Look at me" He commands, pulling her hair to force eye contact. His face morphs into Graysen's, who sneers, "You're nothing more than a cheating whore."

Elain startles awake, breathing heavily. Tears still streaming down her face. Trembling, she tugs her legs to her body and hugs herself.

Whore, whore, whore, nothing but a whore. A voice which sounds remarkably like Graysen repeats.

Then, from the corner of her eye, she sees the potted Snowdrops sitting on the window ledge. She takes out her phone to check the time. 5:14AM. She squeezes her eyes shut as she presses "call".

"Hello?" A groggy voice answered after five rings.

"Luci" She pleads.

"Elain?" Lucien's voice immediately becomes alert, "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"C-can you come over?" Her voice small and scared. She continues to hug herself as she hears the scuffle over the phone.

"Of course, I'll be there in twenty minutes." He reassures her. Desperate to distract herself, Elain pads her way around the open kitchen while waiting for him. She takes out two tea bags and is nursing her tea when she hears a soft knock on the door.

Lucien's hair is tousled. Coupled with his rumpled t-shirt and sweatpants, Elain has never seen him so disheveled. He always looks so put together. Despite everything, the sight lifts a weight off her chest. It makes it easier to breathe and she finds herself smiling. He returns a small comforting smile of his own.

"Rooftop?" He suggests.

"Rooftop." She agrees and grabs the two large mugs of tea she had brewed earlier. He sniffs the cup deeply when she passes him a cup and sighs appreciatively. "Ceylon".

They lean against the ledge, looking out into the still dark city skyline. While Lucien does not say anything, knowing to let her initiate the conversation when she's ready, she sees him sneaking occasional concerned glances at her.

"I had a nightmare." She confesses after a few minutes, "of that morning." Before she fully realises it, everything was spilling out of her lips. Waking up lost and confused, Hybern's blackmail, Graysen's cold fury. Her eyes remain focused on the skyline as she speaks, afraid to face the judgment on his face. Lucien says nothing when she finishes her tale.

"Lucien?" She asks tentatively, looking up. Lucien looks livid, eyes blazing. She recoils. He knows now you're nothing more than a cheating whore. The voice taunts.

Then a gentleness creeps in when he registers her recoil. He exhales roughly and shuts his eyes tightly. When the russet eyes open once more, all traces of anger are gone.

"Can I hug you?" He asks, voice impossibly gentle. At her nod, he engulfs her in an all encompassing hug, one arm slung around her upper body, one hand cupping the back of her neck.

"I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry about Hybern and Graysen." He murmurs into her neck. "But I promise you, you don't have to fight this alone. I am here with you. You are safe with me."

Safe.

His words shine a brightness into Elain's chest, chasing away the shadows. She feels lighter than she has in days. In his arms, she is protected. In his arms, she is absolved. In his arms, nothing can touch her.

The two remain in an embrace until the first peek of sunlight shines through. He holds her hand while she leans her head on his shoulders, and they watch the sunrise together. The dawn of a new day.

****

Nine months later

Elain surveys herself in the mirror. Her strappy periwinkle dress is fitted around her chest before flares out from below her waist. Her hair is pulled into a half-do, the upper half is twirled into a braided bun while the lower half drapes over her shoulders in soft curls. She keeps her make-up light. A neutral eyeshadow with a rosy blush, finished off with a pink lipstick. She smiles in satisfaction and exits the apartment, where a pot of Snowdrops sits happily by the door.

"Hey Elain, Happy Valentine's Day! I've made a dinner reservation at Rita's. I'll pick you up at seven pm. See you then, love."

[hiddlesdarlinggabrielsangel]

This is pretty raw, and a lot longer than I expected but I think I needed to let it out. If you’re currently grieving a pet, this might be too much to read.

My dog passed away this past Saturday morning.

I’ve been in shock ever since and absolutely devastated. My appetite is gone and I’m nauseous and I’m realizing that even though my mom had a similar bond to Ivy, her way of grieving is very different, and I just feel alone.

While Ivy lived a wonderful life of 10 years, longer than many dogs get, she seemed to be doing fine until literally midday on that Friday and we had no idea it was something that would ultimately take her life. We’re struggling with all the “what-ifs” and “if only” thoughts but even though we don’t know for sure, we suspect the cancer we had removed a year ago had come back and even though we get her checked out routinely, we just didn’t catch it in time. The emergency vets said that it was as though her body was attacking itself. It’s just hard because we have her father from the breeder who literally turned 13 the day after she died, the day we buried her. We also still keep in touch with the breeder and she’s told us that HIS father is still alive. So, it was just so unexpected. And Zac, her dad, doesn’t even seem to be registering the fact that she’s gone. We showed her to him when we brought her home, but he barely noticed and just laid down next to her for a second before getting up and wandering off. He doesn’t have the best eyesight and maybe what they did to her body made her smell different, but I thought there would have been some recognition. But he just sort of moved on like nothing happened. Maybe he just understands better than we humans do that death is a part of life, even for his own daughter, but when she was alive he did look after her in his way. I just hope he doesn’t wake up one day looking around for her but we did all we could do.

I didn’t expect to get into the actual event but to be honest, it helped to type it out. The thing is, while I’m absolutely devastated right now, it’s not like I was on top of the world before she passed. Three years before we got her as a puppy in 2014, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The year I graduated college, 2014, I got a job as a nanny for an emotionally abusive family (which I thankfully left after 3 months but was still a bit traumatized). I had a second surgery for endometriosis in 2015 and was prescribed depo provera which made my depression and anxiety way worse than it already was. I got a job as a photographer taking photos for church directories which was insane (12-17 hour days, no breaks worked in, at least 2-4 hour drives, many kind people but enough rude people to make it miserable), I developed panic attacks and took a medical leave of absence (ultimately left), was judged by so-called friends, went through a time where I couldn’t work because I didn’t know enough about what would trigger these panic attacks, isolated myself from my friend group (hardly any of whom were reaching out anymore anyway), and realized in early 2017 that most of those “friends” who did reach out weren’t really my friends, and between April 2016 - Sept 2017, my “job” (because I didn’t have a real, paying one) was to work on myself in individual and group therapy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m very grateful for both, but when your job becomes analyzing what’s wrong with you, or why you do what you do so you can stop/change/adjust constantly, it gets to be a bit much. Then I got a retail job in Sept 2017 where I dealt with a narcissist coworker. I also started getting migraines at that job in 2018. Sometime in 2018, my brother met his now wife who has never liked us because we don’t fit in to her “fantasy” (not confirmed, but my theory). When we first met, she told my brother I was “too nice” and “not candid enough”. We have done and continue to do everything we can to be welcoming and she’s nothing but disrespectful to all of us. She even sent something to members of her own family recently that they have been very hurt by. Anyway, in July of 2019, I briefly got a job canvassing neighborhoods for a construction company until I had an 8-hour long panic attack. Needless to say, I did not stay there. Feeling ashamed and hopeless, I made a plan to take my own life. My dad interrupted me as I was writing the suicide note, and obviously I’m still here. I got another job the following week, one that I’m still at, but it didn’t come without its hiccups. A man who yelled at me and who I still have to set boundaries with nearly five years later. Another man who acted inappropriately but ultimately he was set straight. As you can imagine, my brother’s girlfriend/fiancée/wife made our lives difficult and did everything she could (and succeeded a long time ago) to separate him from his family who he seemed to be so close to before (I used to think of him as my best friend). In the summer of 2020, I started having hypnopompic hallucinations where I’d wake up physically but I would still see things as though I was in a dream state which freaked me out. In December of 2020, I made a total of 6 batches of cookies, rolled out, embossed, all the works for literally hundreds of cookies, and that triggered an underlying back issue from carrying too much weight in my backpack slung over only one shoulder in college. This resulted in me going to the chiropractor, getting massages, and as the back issue was finally working itself out, it felt as though it dispersed all that pain and more to the rest of my body. I won’t go into it because that would be a post somehow longer than this, but about a year later after having had a third surgery for endometriosis in 2021, seeing a gastroenterologist, worrying if I was having seizures, and finally seeing a neurologist, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2022. I found out my uncle had been diagnosed with cancer earlier that year too, a sarcoma. He passed away in May.

Around a month later, my mom, a non-smoker, was diagnosed with a rare type of non-small cell lung cancer. It’s called ROS1 and it’s very aggressive. Not only that, but it does not go into remission; my mom will have this cancer for the rest of her life. Already, she’s gone through two treatments, and the when we suspected the trial she was on wasn’t working anymore because of a mass they found in her right lung, she had a biopsy done in December right before New Years, and in the middle of it, she had heart failure. Thankfully, they revived her and she’s ok. At first they thought it was a heart attack but her arteries were clear. They said it was a case of broken heart syndrome. Her heart has recovered fully since then, but she was taken off the trial, and after briefly trying another targeted treatment, she’s now on chemotherapy.

After experiencing a traumatic event with my brother and sister-in-law back in December of 2023, my family hosted a baby shower for them at our house earlier this month. I’ve been conflicted about how I feel about the coming of this child. I have been overwhelmed about my mom and the side effects she’s been having from the chemo along with the other drug that they’re giving her for the first 4 rounds. My dad caught pneumonia a few days before Ivy passed. I was already overwhelmed.

I was almost always already overwhelmed. But through all of the above, except those first 3 years of endo, I had Ivy. I could go to her. I could play with her. I could pet her. I could cuddle her. Or I could just watch tv or be on my phone but she always had a way of knowing when I’m sad or upset and needed her there. And I think she just genuinely wanted to be with me whether it was on the couch, on the floor, or even upstairs.

That’s part of why this is so hard. It’s ALL of these current things, plus Ivy. Ivy made it bearable. I know I’m not always going to feel this way, but I think I need to get it out somewhere. While I know that I will move on and live my life through the good and the bad… part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to face life without Ivy. I don’t want to have people come into my life and not be able to introduce them to my “buddy”. I know how that sounds. And again, I know I won’t always feel that way, but the thing is, I don’t have any friends I can talk to. I have people who care about me and that I care about, but I’m not close enough to share this and one person I used to think might be that type of friend kind of has proven that she’s not interested in a real friendship. She just checks on me by text every few months and says she’s praying for me. While that’s sweet, whenever I try to engage, she ignores it and then literally just writes another text checking up on me a few months later. She responds to updates, but not when I try to reciprocate.

So, with my friends falling away, with my brother turning away from me, Ivy really was my best friend. Possibly my only real friend.

[theeverlastingshade]

Javelin- Sufjan Stevens

Very few contemporary musicians own their respective lane quite like Sufjan Stevens. The idiosyncratic songwriter has dabbled in everything from ornate baroque compositions to minimalist glitchy electronic music, but the wispy folk stylings that he perfected on his sublime 7th LP, Carrie & Lowell, (and that haven proven to be well-trodden territory for a myriad of musicians) is rarely rendered with as much heart and personality in the hands of any other contemporary artist that I'm aware of. Sufjan recently returned with a new record called Javelin, and it marks a refreshing departure from the electronic pop approach of his last LP, The Ascension, by reaching the sweet spot between the sparse folk confessionals of C&L with the baroque bombast of his other most celebrated work, Illinois. It's all too easy to write Javelin off as another pretty folk record from a guy who could seemingly crank these out in his sleep, but the gorgeous arrangements, cathartic vocal melodies, and devastating songwriting throughout Javelin serve as strong affirmations that one of the most consistently rewarding songwriters of the 21st century is still releasing some of his most accomplished work a few decades into his career.

The sound of Javelin will be familiar to anyone even remotely familiar with Sufjan's work, and presents the album as both an ideal entry point to his music as well as a satisfying late-career stunner. The music is lush and vibrant, replete with woodwinds, horns, strings, and glockenspiel in addition to a standard assortment of guitars, drums, and keys. Sufjan's voice is hushed but tremendously expressive, and it's rounded out by a children's choir that provides an uplifting lilt to these already gorgeously adorned compositions. There are moments that are almost overbearing in their melodic richness, like the coda of opener "Goodbye Evergreen", but it never quite lands in excessively cloying terrain. A large part of Sufjan's appeal is his knack for couching devastating sentiments within impossibly pretty sounding music, and he delivers that in large spades throughout Javelin. While it's a tad frustrating that most of these songs are so structurally similar (highlight "Shit Talk" and his closer/cover of Neil Young's "There's A World", notwithstanding), essentially beginning as these sparse acoustic ruminations and slowly blossoming into ornate chamber pop epics erupting with melody, it's hard to deny how superbly realized they each are. While most of the songs on Javelin aren't among his most adventurous to date, they're easily some of his most richly rendered, and thankfully they never manage to obfuscate the poignant lyricism woven throughout.

The writing is generally the largest draw of any Sufjan Stevens record, and Javelin is no exception. The album would have been disarming in its understated vulnerability regardless of the context, but on the day it was released Sufjan shared a statement dedicating it to his late partner, Evans Richardson, who passed this past April, which lends a heightened level of pathos to these immensely affecting songs. Sufjan seems to be trying to reconcile his Christian faith with the loss of Evans, which is laid out in the first verse of "Goodbye Evergreen" ("But everything heaven sent/Must burn out in the end") and subsequently touched on throughout the album. "Genuflecting Ghost" seems to find Sufjan using stereotypical Christian imagery in service of paying tribute to Evans (Give myself as a sacrifice/Genuflecting ghost I kiss the floor/Rise, my love, show me paradise/Nothing seems so simple anymore") while the 8 minute centerpiece, "Shit Talk", unfurls like a breakup in slow motion with Sufjan questioning his complicity in its demise (Did I fail to believe in positive thoughts/Our romantic second chance is dead/I buried it with the hatchet/Quit your antics"). On Javelin, Sufjan reckons with tragedy in the way that he's historically done best: creating music that's simply bursting at the seams with craft and catharsis. Javelin isn't a particularly easy listen, but like the bulk of his work, it rewards close listening multiple times over.

Essentials: "Shit Talk", "Goodbye Evergreen”, "So You Are Tired"

[theladyofbloodshed]

Au Acosf - Chapter 65

Sorry to have left you all on that cliff-hanger earlier in the week heheh

‘Is this a fucking joke? You’ve had me sitting here waiting for over half an hour.’

Rhys tucked his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall, not deigning Eris with the respect of joining him at the table in one of the Hewn City’s council rooms. Eris had jumped up however, the moment the door had opened. The male’s face was stark white, his hair dishevelled as if he’d been running his hand through it.

‘You look stressed, Eris,’ Feyre crooned from beside her mate.

Eris sucked in a breath then set his jaw to stop himself from saying something in front of the four of them that he might regret. A shadow curled around Azriel’s neck. His brother would love nothing better than pulling Eris apart piece by piece.

‘You were only here yesterday, Eris. What could possibly be so demanding of our attention? Has Nesta asked you to deliver another letter for her? Are you the heir to the Autumn Court and Nesta Archeron’s personal messenger?’

‘I don’t know why she still wants to try with any of you people. You don’t deserve her.’ Amber eyes turned on Cassian. ‘What did the letter say?’

Cassian shrugged one shoulder. ‘Nothing that concerns you, Eris.’

In truth, he had not even opened the letter. Eris had arrived at dusk to the Hewn City so Cassian had taken his time to retrieve the message to let Eris stew. Cassian couldn’t open it. He feared the contents. Feared Nesta had written that she had well and truly washed her hands clean of him and would be severing the bond. If it made him a coward because he could not face the truth then so be it. He’d rather be a coward than broken-hearted.

‘She was utterly devastated yesterday. I asked her if you were worth it and she did not hesitate to answer yes. She should have asked whether any of you are worth it – because believe me I would tell her the truth.’ The male’s eyes blazed, similar to Nesta’s when fury roiled within her. Eris had a strong bank of magic, even without the title of high lord. ‘Something happened here today, didn’t it?’

Azriel’s wounds were healing and all the foul creatures in the Prison were back in their cages. Before dawn, something had shaken the mountains of the Night Court violently enough to break down the wards around the Prison. Thankfully, Azriel had been out for a night-time flight. It was a small blessing that he could not sleep. His hazel eyes were ringed with a permanent shadow. Whatever had shaken the mountain had not created an aftershock at least and once the sun had risen, every inmate was back within their cell. Azriel had held the gate alone for a time – and he was paying for it now. Rhys had spent an age warding the Prison even further, using his more of his own blood to ensure the doors stayed locked, so he too had suffered a drain on his magic. It was why they were content to let Eris stew in the Hewn City. It allowed Azriel rest – not that he had – and Rhys’ magic could refill.

‘We felt a tremor in the Autumn Court. It has uprooted trees and split open a dam. My father spent the early hours of the morning repairing infrastructure lest our people drown.’ Eris swallowed. ‘What happened here?’

Cassian, Azriel and Feyre stayed silent – allowing Rhys to take the reins.

‘We felt something,’ he conceded. ‘I cannot say what. Perhaps the Cauldron.’

‘Did Lucien’s mate feel it?’

Feyre’s lips tightened into a flat line. ‘No.’

‘Then it was not the Cauldron. I’ve heard it favours Elain Archeron.’ Eris withdrew a crumpled piece of torn off parchment and clutched it in his hand. ‘I had no obligation to come here. If I had it my way, you would be none the wiser. I hope you have a damned good reason for making me wait. And I hope, after this is done, Nesta will want nothing more to do with any of you. I came here for her. For her alone.’

Cassian tracked the bob of Eris’ throat, the utter distaste seeping from him as he looked at the Night Court delegate within the Hewn City.

‘It’s Tamlin’s hand.’

Eris tossed the balled up parchment towards Cassian. Deftly, he caught it with one hand.

“Spring Court. Now.”

An eerie quiet had descended upon the lush, green lawns surrounding Tamlin’s Manor as they winnowed in. Not a single bird song could be heard.

‘That tremor came from Nesta?’ Feyre whispered.

Rhys clenched his jaw. ‘If it did, and we felt it in the Night Court, every court in Prythian will have. Or beyond.’

‘Fuck,’ Azriel gasped.

Almost every tree had been uprooted and launched to its side. Only the most ancient ones remained standing though some were tilted as if their roots had been forcefully jerked from the soil. It stood the hairs on the back of Cassian’s neck on end. A trickling of fear crawled up his spine. He thought of the day in the village when Nesta had convulsed on the ground and caused all the land around her to wither and die.

A ring of sentries encircled the manor, but gave it a wide berth. All were armed to the hilt. A sweaty palm brushed against Cassian’s hand. Feyre stared up at the manor. Every single window had been blown out. Cracks in the brickwork were visible even from their distance. Cassian forced back his horror at the sight of the horses struck down dead in the paddock. The chestnut mare that Eris had gifted Nesta lay crumpled on its side.

‘This was because she was upset?’ Feyre whispered in horror.

‘No,’ Rhys murmured, eyes soaking in the extent of the damage. ‘This is something primal, something ancient. A power Nesta should not be able to wield.’ He swore. ‘We should have brought Lucien with us. He’s the only one Tamlin might be amenable to.’

Eris straightened. ‘He summoned me. He will speak to me.’

Not to us, Cassian thought bitterly. Despite the days spent in Spring with Nesta and Tamlin, playing board games or watching the sentries, Tamlin had opted to summon Eris over him.

Fionn, the general, strode towards them. His blonde hair glinted in the sunlight. In one hand, he carried a sword and a shield was strapped to the other. On his back, he carried a bow and a quiver of arrows fletched with white feathers.

‘Fionn, what the fuck has happened?’ Eris demanded.

The general shook his head. ‘I don’t know. The high lord has ordered us to stay on guard in case anything is summoned by… what happened.’

‘And what did happen here?’ Rhys asked, stepping forwards.

Cassian could not speak, could not think. Feyre’s hand stayed in his and Azriel had another inches from his sleeve incase Cassian acted on his thoughts of tearing forwards into the house to seek Nesta.

Fionn narrowed his eyes at Rhysand. ‘You were not invited to this court.’

Rhys raised his brows, disbelief painting his features.

‘Please, Nesta is my sister. Is she okay?’

‘I don’t know what happened. The ground shook like an earthquake. This was the epicentre,’ he replied, glancing over his shoulder towards the house. ‘I arrived quickest. Thankfully no sentries were on duty. There are no marks or injuries to be found on the horses but they’ve been struck down dead. Same as the birds. Even a few rabbits that were above the ground.’

What Cassian had taken for shadows were the small carcasses of birds struck down as they tried to flee. Nesta’s power of death had been unleashed.

‘Nesta is… I can’t say she’s fine. She’s not right.’

‘Does she know about the animals?’ Cassian asked.

Fionn shook his head. ‘No. I can't tell her. I know Nesta. This is not something she has done willingly. I can’t put that burden on her. She’s a good person. My daughter loves her. She helped deliver my youngest into this world.’ The general’s voice was thick.

‘Zasha? Did Zasha…’ Eris’ voice trailed off as his eyes combed over the horses again.

Fionn shook his head. ‘The high lord shielded the dog.’

‘Can I go in?’

Fionn’s blue eyes swept over their group. Cassian felt so cold. Despite the sun shining in the blue sky, his skin was chilled. The general shook his head.

‘I will try and bring them from the house,’ he promised. ‘Nesta won’t be parted from the high lord. She’s clinging to him like a child. Remain here.’

As the general departed towards the ring of guards, Azriel murmured to Rhys, ‘Can’t you glamour all of this so she doesn’t need to see it?’

Rhys nodded tersely. Whenever they were out of this, Cassian would thank Azriel for having the foresight to hide it from Nesta. He certainly couldn’t think straight at the moment. That blast had echoed all the way to the Night Court and had enough force to tear open the wards around the Prison. She had to have been truly furious or utterly terrified. They were the only times her magic seized control of her.

‘She saw through glamours as a mortal. I don’t think it will work.’

Rhys’ brow furrowed. ‘Whose glamour?’

‘Tamlin’s. She knew I hadn’t gone to an aunt’s. She remembered him bringing me here. It’s why she tried to cross the wall with a mercenary while my father and Elain toasted their new-found wealth.’

Rhys scrubbed his face with his hands. ‘Nesta saw through a high lord’s glamour as a mortal? We are in such deep shit. I will try the glamour at least. She doesn’t need to see more death.’

Cass, you alright?

Cassian was thankful that Rhys had not said the question out loud. His throat already felt thick and his legs unsteady. Every second that ticked by and she still hadn’t appeared left him more worried.

Why didn’t I feel anything down the bond?

This was not Nesta, Cass. I know we aren’t always on friendly terms, but she’s not capable of doing this deliberately. She wouldn’t hurt this court.

An agonising wait followed. Eris had had enough of their company so sat beside a fallen oak, letting the scant bit of shade protect him from the sun despite the glamoured dead birds all around him. Feyre had come to Cassian and pulled her arms around him. He engulfed her with his own arms, glad to feel somebody soft and warm – but he could not look at his high lady’s face. Not when it resembled Nesta too much.

The sealed letter remained in his pocket. His mood could not have been worse. If he had come to Spring to talk with her after their argument, this might not have happened. With shaky hands, he unfolded the letter away from the others. He could feel Azriel’s concern burning like a brand on his skin. He did not deserve Azriel’s worry.

“Dear Cassian,

This is my sixth attempt at a letter and I have promised myself that this will be the final attempt and I will stop clipping my words or moulding them into prettier things than the jagged ones they are.

I am sorry. I pushed you because I knew it would hurt. I believe what I said but it was said to cause injury. I wish we could talk about Illyria in a civil way that doesn’t draw blood from you because I know it is a place that has your heart. It has mine too. I love being in Illyria. I love its brave, wonderful people. I just wish more was done for them. For the females like Emerie and Rovena. For the children like Lule and Lorin. For those who deserve someone to fight for them. And I know you feel the same – you will always fight for those who need it - but we are both too proud to ever back down from an argument.

It splits my heart in two to argue with you because I love you so much. We are equals but we are not the same. And that is not a bad thing. We have different roots but we can grow together. I want to grow with you. I want to find a way through every storm and be with you. You have my heart. You have always had it.

You are my mate, Cassian, and I love you.

Yours, Nesta.

P.S. Please accompany me to the Day Court. There are many places to fulfil the offer I gave you in Illyria – Helion’s throne room?”

Cassian wanted to weep. Nesta had bared her heart in this letter. She loved Illyria and him too. Loved them both enough to want better for the land. He could imagine her writing the post script then immediately wanting to scribble it out. Could imagine the blush spilling across her cheeks as she poured her feelings into words.

A noise drew his attention then a grey blur streaked across the lawn. It skidded to a halt then toppled into Eris’ lap.

Tamlin emerged from the house with Fionn following. The high lord carried a bundle in his arms.

‘Stay back. Let him come to us,’ Rhys murmured. ‘We need to play by his rules.’

Azriel stepped closer to Cassian, monitoring him like a hawk, and Cassian noticed Rhys had done the same to Feyre. The two able to detach their feelings guarding them from breaching court protocol.

Flanked by sentries, Tamlin stopped in front of them. He wore no shoes and only a pair of shorts. His broad body was flecked with bloodied marks where shards of glass from the window had sliced his skin. Cassian spotted the golden-brown head of his mate nestled in a blanket and cradled against Tamlin’s chest.

Before Cassian could even blink, Azriel’s foot had shot out to block his path and a cold hand enclosed around his arm, preventing him from anything stupid.

‘Is she hurt?’

Tamlin’s green eyes met his. Surely Cassian would feel it down their bond if she was? Why hadn’t he felt last night? Why had he felt nothing?

‘I don’t know.’

The high lord lowered Nesta’s legs to the floor but she jerked them back up, refusing to put any weight on them.

‘Nesta,’ he bit out.

Her fingers dug into Tamlin’s skin at every attempt to try and set her onto the ground until they gained purchased and clamped around his neck. Her eyes were glassy and not a word passed through her lips. Her skin had been struck by glass too.

‘She won’t let me go,’ he explained.

Cassian couldn’t step forwards, not with Azriel holding him firm. Feyre, too, was leashed by Rhysand. Even when Cassian called her name, Nesta made no acknowledgement that she had heard it.

Once more, Tamlin lowered Nesta to the grass. Her legs kicked up like a toddler not wanting to walk. He could sense Tamlin’s discomfort of this scene unfolding in front of them. There was too much history for it not to be awkward.

‘I’m still here,’ he said quietly, peeling Nesta’s hands from around his neck as her legs stabilised on the ground.

Fionn cast a look of pity Cassian’s way as Nesta gripped onto Tamlin’s waist, her face pressing against the bare skin of his stomach trying to hide herself.

Rhys loosened his grip on Feyre and she surged forwards, running a hand against Nesta’s hair trying to evoke a reaction. None came. Even when Cassian had been turned loose and he stroked a hand against her bare arm, she remained clinging onto Tamlin as if he was the only steady thing in the world.

‘What happened?’ A muscle ticked in Rhys’ jaw and Cassian didn’t know how much of it was due to Nesta’s condition or Feyre’s proximity to Tamlin.

Tamlin shrugged. ‘We’d dined together. Chatted. The dog woke me. When I entered her room, she was on her knees being dragged across the floor by an invisible force. I took one step and a burst of power blew out of her. I only just managed to cover the dog and send up a shield, but it still wasn’t enough,’ he said gesturing to the marks on him.

‘Look at her fingers,’ Azriel murmured.

The sight of it made Cassian retch. The fingers on her left hand were broken out of shape and bent at odd angles. It had to be agony but she seemed even oblivious to that. A black burn was seared around her ring finger – and more burns were up her arm.

‘Handprints,’ Feyre gasped, covering her mouth.

Tamlin nodded tersely. ‘She’s spoken a few times. Always the same. I want to go home. I want to wake up.’

‘A healer needs to see her. Urgently,’ Rhys said softly.

The shuffle of feet alerted them to Eris’ presence. Zasha brushed against his leg when he stopped. His red hair stood vivid against his moonlight coloured skin. There was a spike of hope in Cassian’s heart that Eris might be able to invoke some reaction in Nesta, but she barely blinked when he stood in front of her.

‘Hey, Cauldron-born bitch with nice breasts, it’s your favourite male,’ Eris murmured, voice gentle. ‘You ruined my father’s morning. Thanks for that, you wonderful creature.’

His gentle tone didn’t match the worry creasing his brow. A finger flicked the tip of her nose. It ought to have been a casual gesture, but to Cassian it screamed volumes about the depths of Nesta and Eris’ relationship. That he could tease her without fear or she allowed him to tease her without reproach.

A spark flickered into her eyes. She blinked a couple of times until her eyes fixed on Eris. Then Nesta sucked in a gasp before a hysterical cry punched its way out of her. Tamlin was abandoned for Eris. She clutched his shirt and pressed her head to his chest.

‘I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. He knows.’ Nesta could barely speak through gasping breaths. ‘He couldn’t take me. I’m so sorry, Eris. He will come for you. I’ve marked you for death. I’m sorry.’

‘Tamlin, is there a room we could use in your home? I should like to go into Nesta’s mind – if she allows it – and would prefer if we were not out in the open.’

For a long moment, Tamlin and Rhys stared at each other. Cassian wondered if there was a conversation passing silently between them. Tamlin shrugged then turned towards the house. They took that as their cue to follow.

Nesta was with them – in a loose sense. The catatonic figure had been replaced by one of hysteria who still clutched Eris as if he was about to be torn away from her. Eris did not gloat over their contact, merely scooped Nesta into his arms and tucked her face into his neck and followed Tamlin into the office while she sobbed.

Fionn brought in a tray of tea and whatever could be found in the cupboards. All of the servants had been turned away at the door and sent back home that morning. He promised to have a healer sent for as well as workers to repair the windows and any gardeners who might be able to replant any trees.

Near the wall, Tamlin paced. He’d slipped on a pair of shoes that crunched across the shards of glass. Nesta sat in a chair, quietly rocking to soothe herself. Eris kept one hand in hers and the other arm was wrapped around Zasha who sat in his lap to avoid glass sinking through his paws. Cassian hated himself for feeling jealous of Eris’ contact with his mate. That she had awoken for him, had gone to him. That even Zasha preferred him.

‘Nesta, would I be able to go into your mind to see what happened?’ Rhys’ violet eyes flickered from Nesta to Feyre then to Cassian, awaiting permission from one of them. ‘It will not hurt you, Nesta. I won't hurt you.’

A stiff jerk of the head.

Cassian saw the world as Nesta had. Felt her sadness and her wishing to see him flying across the sky then the scene shifted to the Archeron matriarch looming over Nesta in her bedroom. Nesta’s fear of her mother was a palpable thing that made his heart shudder. He had thought Nesta had been her favourite child, but this was manipulation and cruelty. He did not doubt that Nesta’s fervent protection of Elain had stemmed from fear of their mother treating Elain as she had treated Nesta. It was a dream. A strange dream where Nesta was caught between memories and lucidity. Then they were tugged to a wood where Nesta’s mother walked her down an aisle. Koschei met them. Cassian felt as if the walls were closing in on him. An insurmountable pressure fell upon them all as if their magic was paralysed. The male saw the tattoo on her arm – saw that Eris had marked her and claimed her. They felt Nesta's distress as she tried to push away thoughts of the male who had claimed her. It was the only thing that had saved Nesta. Cassian’s own hand lanced with pain as Koschei broke Nesta’s fingers to force the ring upon it. As the blast of her power broke through her dream and into Prythian, Rhys pulled them out of her memories.

‘Nesta, has Koschei ever come to you in a dream before?’

‘Many times,’ she whispered.

They plunged back into her memories. Again, her mother was there, leading her through the family home. He has come to take what is his. What was promised. All you are is what I made you to be. A queen to conquer nations. A queen to bring men to their knees. A queen who will turn the world to ash and dust. Her mother’s voice echoed around them. A crowd had awaited them, including Nesta’s father whose neck had been broken in the dream. She was presented to Koschei like a gift. And when they danced, the hall decayed and the crowd rotted into death. He forced his tongue into her mouth. Then Tamlin was there, dragging Nesta from a blazing bed and throwing water to douse the flames.

‘How long ago was that?’ Rhys asked him.

‘Months and months. Around the time she summoned the high lords to meet.’

Rhys went still then his eyes turned vacant, as he turned over more memories in silence. If Eris was afraid that Koschei would seek him out, he showed no signs of it. The male remained leaning his head against Zasha, lips pursed. At the sound of Fionn’s voice, Tamlin departed the room. Feyre’s shoulders sagged in relief.

‘The healer is here,’ Tamlin announced, poking his head back through the door.

It took Eris to lead Nesta away. When Cassian made to follow, Rhys asked him to stay. He’d planted his feet in the room, not willing to sit back down.

‘Did you know your mother did those things to her?’

Feyre blinked several times at her mate’s question. ‘No. She was always with Nesta. I used to be so jealous. Why didn’t she say that’s what mother did to her?’

‘Would you have believed her? Your father never intervened?’

Tears welled in Feyre’s eyes. ‘He didn’t know it was happening. Nesta has to be remembering it wrong.’

Rhys shook his head. ‘I think he did Feyre. I’m sorry.’

‘She hated him so much. She can’t be remembering it right.’

Shrouded in shadow, Azriel leaned forwards to pour them all tea. It was barely warm, but Cassian was glad to have something in his hands. He hardly felt like he was in the room with them. Nesta’s fear still coursed through him like a poison slowing his heart. She had been absolutely petrified facing Koschei alone in a realm he had trapped her in. And Cassian had been stubborn and refused to open her letter or go to her.

‘I hate to say it, but is it a safe assumption that Feyre’s father traded Vassa for Nesta?’ Azriel didn’t hide behind his shadows now.

‘He wouldn’t have done that,’ Feyre protested. ‘My father-’

‘Loved you and Elain,’ Cassian snapped. ‘I went to your cottage with Nesta. I’ve seen her grief, her anger towards your father. I was there when he died. I heard what he said to her. He said he was sorry. For all of it. How did a mortal merchant force a death god to give up his treasured firebird mortal queen?’ A roaring in Cassian’s ears took hold. ‘He promised the daughter who was always the most valuable. But he did not know Nesta was fae. He did not know she had stolen from the Cauldron. If Lanthys felt her come from the Cauldron, so did Koschei. He was probably rubbing his fucking hands with glee when your father offered her head on a platter.’

‘My father would not do that!’ Feyre looked desperately to Rhys, but even he appeared uncomfortable.

‘Feyre darling, I’m sorry, but it seems likely he did.’

The high lady of the Night Court said nothing then, merely folded her arms to stop Rhys from reaching for hand and sat in silence as tears rolled down her cheeks.

‘-be broken again to re-set the bones,’ the grizzled healer said as Cassian entered the dining room. He couldn’t be in that room any longer. Couldn’t look at Feyre’s denial of Nesta's suffering. ‘If she wants the use of them, it’s what must be done. The burns will heal like a mortal wound. They may scar as a result.’ She turned Nesta’s arms over. ‘These cuts aren’t healing as quickly as one would expect. For either of you,’ a glance to Tamlin.

‘She’s not in the right state of mind to decide whether she wants her fingers broken,’ Eris snarled.

The healer did not bat an eyelid. ‘Well, maybe now is the best time to do it if she won’t remember it.’

Cassian bristled at the healer’s tone, at the way she was talking about Nesta rather than to her. He settled into the seat next to her and brushed a finger along the back of her hand. Her smallest finger stuck out, reaching for him so he locked his own with hers.

‘Netopier,’ she said in a quiet acknowledgement. Beneath the layers of horror she had endured last night, Nesta was still there. Still fighting to stay above the waves.

‘You have my heart,’ he whispered, kissing his mate delicately on the cheek.

The healer waited with her hands on her hips. The sleeves of her brown dress were rolled up to the elbows. ‘I can give an ointment for the scratches to fend off infection. Another for the burns to dry them out. But the fingers need to be re-set today.’

‘Fine,’ Nesta replied, voice lacking its usual bite.

‘Once everybody has departed,’ added Cassian. Nesta would not want the others to see her in pain. She would want to tend to her wounds in private without an audience.

From the window, Cassian saw workers in the grounds collecting the dead birds and dumping them into burlap sacks. The horses had already been loaded onto a wagon and taken away. A few servants had been called back to assist with the clean up and they were already sweeping the manor clear of glass. The remnants of Nesta’s meeting with Koschei would quickly be brushed away and the manor restored, but Cassian knew it would leave a deeper wound with Nesta.

‘Can I have a moment with you three?’ Rhys stood in the doorway, gesturing to Cassian and the other two males. His gaze dropped to where Nesta’s finger linked with Cassian’s. ‘Sorry. It will only be a moment.’

Tamlin had been pacing like a stressed animal and Rhys likely knew they had scant time to remain in his home before an explosion occurred. To ease his guilt over leaving her, Nesta unhooked her finger but remained staring blankly at the dark wooden table.

‘A moment only,’ came Eris’ sharp reply.

Light streamed into the corridor but it seemed to shrink away from Rhys. He took up a position beside Cassian, reminding him that if Tamlin were to act then it was Cassian’s duty to protect his high lord, no matter how much his soul yearned to be back beside Nesta.

‘If I can be so bold, Nesta needs sleeping draughts for the time being. I would wager you too, Eris. Koschei cannot leave his lake but he is finding a way through to Nesta in her dreams.’

Eris mulled it over, but said nothing.

‘Koschei cannot take Nesta while Eris lives – or while their deal remains. He will seek you out, Eris.’

‘Do not tell Nesta the latter,’ Eris said firmly. ‘She will call off the deal to protect me.’

Cassian knew Nesta would too. That she was likely already planning to pack her bags and flee to not expose the people of Spring to the risk that accompanied her now.

‘We need to meet with Vassa and Lucien to understand what deal Feyre’s father struck.’ Rhys’ violet eyes turned to Tamlin. The high lord still paced a distance away from them. ‘Do you want to be part of the meeting?’ The words cut out of Rhys like jagged shards.

‘No. I want no part of this. Nesta can remain here if she wishes. I appreciate what she has done for my people – but if she becomes too much of a risk, I cannot expose my people to more harm.’

The retort that Tamlin had brought the first wave of harm upon them himself dissolved on Rhys’ tongue as he fought to remain civil. Rhys’ father had been in this house and killed Tamlin’s mother. That the two of them hadn’t already started brawling was a feat not to be scoffed at.

‘Thank you,’ Rhys ground out. ‘The Night Court will pay for the damage done to your home.’

‘I don’t want your charity.’

A flare of power brushed against Cassian as Rhys’ own temper began to slip. Eris eyed the space between the two high lords and took a step back so he was pressed into the wall.

‘But you will have it all the same. I will dump it in the grounds if I have to. Give it to your people if you do not want it.’

‘Don’t be too proud, Tamlin. Rhys has too much money, he doesn’t know what to spend it on anymore,’ said Eris, voice bordering into teasing territory.

‘Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I’m sure your father will be keen to learn how his eldest has quick access to the Night Court. Or why he speaks to its high lord with familiarity. Will Rhys be as accommodating as I was when the high lord of the Autumn Court exiles another son?’

Eris pushed off from the wall, recognising the greatest threat in his life would always by Beron Vanserra. ‘I think we’re done here. Give Nesta my best wishes.’

Without another word, Eris departed through the front doors. As it swung closed, they caught sight of him winnowing into nothing. Tamlin gave them both a flat, bored stare. ‘You have five more minutes then I want you gone.’

Once the high lord had departed for the grounds, Rhys turned to him. Softly, he said, ‘I’ve never seen you so quiet.’

‘I should have been here.’

A shake of the head. ‘Tamlin only survived because he has the magic of a high lord. The blast likely would have killed you, Cass. I saw more in her mind and it was… Fuck. It was a lot to deal with. Her mother. The grandmother. The Cauldron. A boy from their village. Nesta has not had an easy life.’ A broad hand settled on his shoulder. ‘And I have not made it any easier for her. Or for you. I presume you will stay even if Tamlin won’t allow it. Ensure he has sentries on duty. I’ll contact later – and I’ll have Madja brew a strong sleeping draught for Nesta to ensure a dreamless sleep. If I can, I’ll have Lucien come by in case you need to be winnowed to safety.’

@a-court-of-valkyries @sv0430 @mis-lil-red @nesquik-arccheron @emily-gsh @sunsetsofanemoia @swankii-art-teacher @moodymelanist @nestaarcher0n @my-fan-side @c-e-d-dreamer @nestaspegasus @champanheandluxxury @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @lyzriel @dustjacketmusings @sugardoll22 @gwynethhberdara @embersofwildfire @witchsouth

[whimsicallyreading]

“I just realized I’m desperately in love with you-“

Prompt Day One for Rowaelin Month

~

"Rowan, take a picture of that one. It's so cute." Aelin fawns quietly.

Rowan gives a long-suffering sigh. "There are a thousand of them here. Do you have to pester me into taking a picture of every seal pup we come across?"

"Her name is Fleetfoot, and yes. Isn't that the whole reason we are here?" Aelin looks at him equally annoyed, a strand of gold spun hair freeing itself from beneath her parka.

"I'm here to study the behavioral patterns of tiger seals and orcas in a rapidly shifting environment. You are here to keep our equipment functioning. If you keep talking, neither of us will finish our jobs and escape from this wasteland." Rowan switches the lens of his camera to focus on two male seals who were squaring up with each other in the distance.

Rowan nearly threw his camera over the boat and jumped off into the coastal waters of Argentina when he realized who had been assigned to assist him on this expedition.

He'd insisted that only he and one other make the trek across the Antarctic. Insisting a large group could impede the quality of his research. When they agreed, Rowan thought they would send him with Lorcan or Brullo. Both were accomplished survivalists and scholars—valuable additions to any team.

Instead, it was Aelin Ashryvver who waited for him at the dock. The most annoying newbie on his floor. Dorian insisted that her knowledge of mechanical engineering would make her invaluable.

So far, she was just a verifiable pain in his ass.

She sat around bored as Rowan spent the day writing notes and snapping photos. Occasionally she helped him set up microphones. On one instance, she fixed their ATV. It was the first and only time he'd found her truly useful.

Rowan couldn't wait to go home.

"Alright, we have the cameras positioned. We should head back to the base. The temps are dropping. We need to warm up and eat."

Aelin nods quietly, she would never admit it, but the severe temperatures are taking a toll on her. It was amazing how important something like fat is in a frigid environment. Rowan is naturally covered in layers of dense muscle. While Aelin is fit herself, she's still small and the first to feel the effects of persistent cold.

Watching the seals, she occasionally found herself jealous of their thick layers of blubber that kept them comfortable. She should have carb-loaded before they set sail.

They hop on the snow ski and traverse quickly over the powderlike substance.

~~~

When they reach the Terresen South Pole station and ditch their coats, they fall to the floor in a cascade of flurries. Rowan's spine straightens for the first time that day. Their coats were dense. With the additional weight of all of the equipment he carried, there was a perpetual bend in his spine.

It was a huge relief to be inside a climate-controlled building—light layers, freedom movement, and feeling in all of his extremities. Tossing that coat off was the pinnacle of his daily routine on this mission.

That is until he realized it was freezing.

Walking over to a light switch with urgency, he flicks it a few times. Nothing happens. Anxiety wells in his gut, and he hits the wall a couple of times before flipping the switch again.

"Shit," Rowan hisses.

"The power is out," Aelin's eyes widen with the realization. "That's not good."

"I thought I was the scientist, but look at you stating the obvious," Rowan growls as he shrugs his jacket back on. It wasn't nearly as frigid inside the insulated building as it was outside, but it was still bitterly cold. Keeping warm would be their first step in survival. Without heat, shit could hit the fan for them very quickly. Thankfully their satellite phones should still be functioning; he'd charged the battery the day before. There should be enough juice in the phones to send out a mayday call even without power.

Aelin doesn't put on her jacket. Instead, she heads in the direction of the lockers with a look of determination plastered on her face. It was a look he'd slowly begun to grow familiar with, mainly when Rowan was holding a ration packet she wanted. It made him uneasy.

"Where are you going?" Rowan calls after her, picking up her jacket. He wouldn't be held responsible for his younger, female partner freezing to death. HR at the University would have his head on a stick if she died on his watch.

He follows Aelin to her locker, where she's already sliding a grey jumpsuit over her clothes.

"I can fix the engines," Aelin pulls her zipper up. The jumpsuit covered head-to-toe, but they weren't nearly as warm as their snow gear. He could already see a slight blue-ish tint to her lips. "They probably just stalled. All I need to do is go down, diagnose the problem, and fix it. Easy as pie."

Ignoring the massive oversimplification of their situation, knowing it was a lost cause, he focuses on the immediate problem. "You need to keep your jacket on," Rowan thrusts the article of clothing at her. Her color was concerning him, and the longer she went without the thermal garment, the higher his stress became.

Aelin gives him a long-suffering look, all too similar to the one he gives her. "And get my hood or a sleeve caught in one of those beasts? Those machines are massive. Getting snagged could rip my arm off or kill me. It's like you don't even have a master's in engineering and a spotless safety record," she smiles at Rowan's scowling face. "Oh wait, that's me. Let me do my job, Dr. Whitethorn."

Before Rowan could argue, Aelin was gone down the stairwell towards the engines.

Dragging a frustrated hand through his hair, he tosses her jacket on the floor. His time is probably better spent getting through to their mission handlers on the satellite phones anyway.

~~~

Two hours later, Rowan has long finished his call with Dorian.

Their expedition leader had asked if they wanted a recovery team sent out to them, but Rowan hesitated. He was on the mission of a lifetime. He'd spent years waiting for approval to research at the southernmost tip of the world. It would be a devastating blow to his career and his pride for it to be cut short. The selfish part of him wanted to stay. The rationale, reasonable part of him was aching to stay the full duration of the expedition.

"You know, Dr. Whitethorn," Dorian spoke carefully. "There is a reason we chose Aelin to accompany you. She may be green and lacking a doctorate, but she's a miracle worker at what she does."

"Are you asking me to put my life in the newbie's hands?" Rowan asked without his standard vitriol. The situation and the cold had left him with no energy to be spiteful. He'd heard talk of her capabilities amongst the guys, and he'd seen a fraction of it when their snowmobile broke down. Rowan thinks back to the look on her face when she'd gone down the stairs. The steely determination of a warrior marching off to do battle.

Dorian laughs as if there was something funny about two of his most stubborn colleagues getting stranded in the south pole by themselves. "I'm not asking you to do anything. It's your call."

Rowan closes his eyes and contemplates their options. His head told him they should call the extraction team before they were nothing but frozen corpses. Yet, his heart didn't want to leave so soon. There was still so much work left to do.

Could he rely on Aelin?

"We will stay for now. Expect a call in twenty-four hours with a progress update." Rowan disconnected the transmission without any of the standard formalities.

After the fruitless call, he checks their food supply. Rowan scans the shelves, comfortable they wouldn't go hungry any time soon. Their only concern would be keeping all their shit from freezing, including their water. Rowan triple checks that everything is insulated, sealed, and stored away before moving on to other essentials, like batteries.

Another hour passes as he takes inventory, and Rowan is starting to feel the cold more than before. His nailbeds slowly shift from blue to white beneath his thick gloves, and he can't control the slight quaking spreading up his limbs.

When Rowan hears the doorway to the stairwell creak, he goes to check in with Aelin on her progress.

What he finds when he opens the locker room door sends his heart to his throat.

Aelin's hands loosely grip the zipper of her jumpsuit as she weakly attempts to free herself. Her face is a ghostly white, and her movements sluggish.

If she weren't moving, he'd have thought she was already frozen.

"Aelin, are you good? Talk to me." Rowan rushes to her and helps Aelin step out from the jumpsuit.

"I fixed the engine," Aelin coughs into the crook of her arm, her voice scratchy from the cool air. "It will be a couple of hours before they can catch up and heat the building."

Rowan rips off a glove and holds a bare hand to her cheek. Aelin's skin is freezing to the touch, even to his own icy hands. He notes that she isn't trembling the same way he is. It's not a good sign, the biologist in him notes. He knows it's her body growing too weak to keep itself warm.

"Sit down. You're freezing," Rowan helps her slide to the floor and looks at the discarded jacket that's still lying there. It won't warm her quick enough.

"Rowan?" Aelin speaks from her slightly slumped position.

Rowan is pacing, trying to think. They don't have a means of warming water for a bath. Laying next to the generators is too risky.

"Rowan," Aelin murmurs, her eyes drooping. "I can't feel my feet."

Rowan looks at her, and for a moment, she looks like an ice princess. Her blond hair is slipping from its braid and coiling across her colorless face. The cerulean blue of her eyes was the brightest color he now saw regularly beside the southern lights. They stood out even more starkly now.

It was all wrong.

"It's going to be alright, Aelin. You said the power is back on?" Rowan lifts her into his arms, her freezing nose burrowing into the crook of his neck.

"Yeah," she rasps against his shoulder. "But it will take a while for the building to heat."

"We don't need the whole building to heat. Do you trust me?" Rowan trots down the hall, careful not to bump her against the narrow doorframes.

She mumbles something incoherent into his shirt. "I trust you."

Rowan is thankful that the cold keeps the flush from his face. He reaches the desired room and fiddles with the control panel on the wall. A wave of relief hits him as the room behind the heavy door audibly hums to life.

"Okay, here we go." He says more to himself than Aelin. Rowan ditches the jacket and pulls his long-sleeved tee over his head. The buttons of his pants are next, leaving him in only his boxers.

Turning around, Aelin looks weary but not surprised. "Nice abs."

"Thanks," He says and kneels next to her, eyes searching her face for permission.

Aelin dips her head, "I'm not shy, Whitethorn. Don't fret."

Rowan helps Aelin maneuver her stiff limbs out of her garments until she is left in nothing but her bra and panties. Her face is pained as even more of her is exposed to the cold.

"Hurts," Aelin grits through her teeth, and Rowan gathers her up again. The icy room is like barbs against his exposed skin, but he's not in a position to complain.

The minute he carries her into the balmy air of the sauna, Aelin flinches. "Oh, that smarts."

"I know. It's going to suck for a bit while your blood recirculates." Rowan consoles softly, knowing he would also feel the cramping as they got their blood moving.

Drastic temperatures changes weren't the ideal way to warm up, but they'd spent far too long in the cold. He needed to get Aelin shivering again. It was the body's natural defense against the cold, and when a person could no longer shiver, it meant they were dipping into the realm of hypothermia.

The sauna was an added addition for the comfort of the researchers who visited the Southern base. It was a great tool to warm people after spending hours in the harsh climate. He'd heard tales of it from colleagues who'd visited the base before but hadn't yet saught to use it himself. Rowan was too focused on the mission. It hadn't carried any appeal for him until this moment, and now he was beyond grateful for its existence.

Rowan sits on the floor instead of the bench so that Aelin can curl up comfortably in his lap. Skin-to-skin contact was one of the best ways to help a person regulate their body temperature. He soothes a calloused hand over the length of her arm, trying to spread what remained of his warmth to her skin.

Aelin's cheek rests against his chest, and Rowan uses one hand to free her hair from its braid. The curtain of gold fans across her back, and he has to resist the urge to run his fingers through its waves.

He'd noticed how beautiful she was the day they first met at the university. Out of respect, he'd immediately repressed those thoughts. They were professionals, and Rowan wasn't about to ruin his reputation fawning over the new, young blonde on their floor.

But with her laying half-naked in his lap, it was hard to disregard how pretty she was. It wasn't even just her appearance. The girl was magnetic in every way. People paid attention when she walked in, and she claimed the lion's share of air in the room.

Fenrys and Conall flirted with her remorselessly. It secretly irked him. Rowan had long since memorized the way she laughed and how she'd smile as she shoed them away. It was all good-natured fun for them, but it always made Rowan irrationally angry. The time she'd showed up at the annual Christmas party in a green velvet dress with an open back nearly left his brain on the floor. His eyes had raked the smooth plains of skin, only turning away when she'd tried to catch his eye.

If he'd been paying attention, he would have seen her look of disappointment.

Rowan had written it off as an infatuation—a natural response to seeing an attractive woman. The scientist in him wanted to boil it down to chemistry and hormones. Cold facts that could diagnose the way he felt every time he laid eyes on her. Yet, as Rowan laid there with a hurting Aelin in his arms, he began to wonder if there was something more.

Her pain was making his chest physically ache.

A pair of arms snaked around his waist, and his body jerked. Aelin looks up at him sheepishly. "Sorry, I'm just really comfortable."

Rowan relaxes, "It's fine."

The steam in the room is slowly building. Rowan can feel the cramping beginning in his legs. Aelin's weight on his thighs was not helping the slightest, but there was no way in hell he'd move her.  

"My body is aching," Aelin says lightly, but he can hear the strain in her voice and feel a slight tremble running through her.

"That's good. Can you feel your feet?" Rowan can no longer resist, and her hair parts between his fingers like strands of gold silk.

Aelin tightens her arms around him, "Yeah. A bit. I didn't realize how numb they got until I took off my boots."

There's a slight tickle at his back, Aelin's finger tracing a pattern against his skin. A flush of warmth rushes through him, not from the sauna.

He's in unending deep shit.

"Aelin," his voice wavers uncharacteristically. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

The fingers on his back continue making their delicate patterns. "No."

"Aelin?" He asks again, but she cuts him off with a groan.

"Stop asking me questions and just kiss me," Aelin grips the back of his head and pulls his lips down to her's.

An inferno blooms inside his soul.

Aelin could never be a winter queen. She was the raging embodiment of summer. A burning ember he'd carried from the north into this land of ice. As his lips move against hers, he swears his body is lit ablaze, and when Rowan opens his eyes, he's delighted at the flush he finds unfurling across her cheeks.

"It's suddenly a lot warmer." Aelin laughs, looking more lively even as her body starts to quake from the warmth finally reaching her.

He kisses her cheek and tilts her ear towards his lips, "Aelin?"

"Another question?" Aelin's smile curls into something feline. "Is this that scientific curiosity the university is always going on about?"

"I just realized I'm desperately in love with you,"

Rowan lets the truth fall from his lips. It was just the two of them. They were the only human souls in this far corner of the earth. There was no one to stop him as he finally lets the emotions he'd been repressing until the moment Aelin was in danger wash over him.

"That's not a question," Aelin responds after a moment, her tone light and jovial.

Rowan smiles. "It's not."

Aelin curls back up against Rowan, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers. An embarrassing sound of contentment escapes her, which worsens her blush.

Not forgetting their original purpose in the sauna, Rowan grips her hands and massages them between his. "You have no response?"

"Not one that HR is going to like." Aelin winces as her hand spasms, and Rowan methodically works to ease the ache.

"Say it anyway," Rowan implores. Screw the university. He was tired of living for his work alone. Nothing outshined this moment, holding this woman in his arms. He could find a new job, but if Aelin reciprocated his feelings, he couldn't find another one of her.

"Well, I thought it was pretty obvious when I wore that dress to the Christmas party and then found a reason to walk past your office every day." Aelin huffs and looks up at him, "Don't tell me you didn't know?"

Rowan was speechless.

Aelin's eyes twinkle with amusement. "Rowan, Dorian, and I are friends. Did you know that?"

"What?" Rowan blinks confusedly. That was common knowledge, but he didn't understand why she was bringing that up now.

"Dorian and I go way back. He knew I had a thing for you, and I told him sending me on this trip was unethical when I'm such a new hire-" Aelin trails off, waiting for him to grasp her point.

"Wait," Rowan looks down at her, bemused. "Dorian was trying to set us up?"

"Human recourses won't like that very much either," Aelin grins. "But Dorian would keep our secret. He owes me a lot of favors."

The sauna's temperature had slowly been rising, and Rowan could see that his skin was returning to its usual color. Aelin still looked a bit pale, but it was probably residuals from being so close to freezing.

She'd risked herself to save the expedition and successfully fixed the engines. Rowan didn't believe for one second that Dorian only sent her in an elaborate attempt to set her up. She was bright and cunning. He was lucky to have her along with him.

"You got here on your merit," Rowan presses a soft peck to her lips as he soothes her unvoiced concern. He refused to let her doubt her level of skill. "But if the feelings are mutual, I would love to take you on a date when we get back home?"

"I would love that," Aelin crawls off his lap and holds a hand out. "Come on, now. We need to eat and sleep. We have seals to observe."

Rowan accepted her hand. Forget the seals. He would have a difficult time keeping his attention on them. His eyes were glued to her bare legs as they moved and the way her hair swung free of its constraints.

She smirked over his shoulder. Aelin knew precisely what she was doing to him.

Rowan had traversed to the end of the world to understand the natural universe a little better. While he hadn't unlocked any great mysteries, he couldn't help but think what he did find was better.

[duskamethyst]

make it right.

a/n: i was on a writing high. i initially hated this so much but ended up with 12 pages long.

word count: 5.1k

genre: mature, smut, nsfw, angst to fluff

warnings: mentions of abortion, pregnancy

pairing: hawks x f!reader

𝅘𝅥𝅮  music rec: the reason by hoobastank  𝅘𝅥𝅮

summary: you told keigo that you’re carrying his child but he didn’t take it well. five years later he shows up in front of your door after being invited by his son and says he wants to fix everything.

you lean down towards the counter as you concentrate on creating pretty swirls of cream on the cake you baked with a piping bag. the dining table is full of food, a feast almost too huge for only two people, but you have a good excuse. it is a special day. your son’s fifth birthday to be exact. 

kids these days can be ruthless and your son doesn’t get along very well with the other kids from his kindergarten. they like picking on others that seem too fragile, too quiet – criteria that fits him well and it doesn’t help with the fact that they know he’s growing up without a father. your child never opened up to you about the constant mocking he faced until one day you overheard him sobbing through his pillow in his own room. it was dark, though the door was still open by an inch to allow a small amount of light to penetrate into the room whenever he slept. he said he wanted to sleep earlier because he was tired but the muffling sounds he tried to conceal betrayed his efforts when you passed by later that night.

it made you angry and disappointed in yourself. you really tried your best to juggle between being a mom and a dad at the same time, keeping an eye on your child and working your ass off to make a living for the two of you. you’d always put up a tough front, never broke down in front of him when you were dead tired from being overworked and the thought of him trying to not make you worry, shattered your heart into pieces. you know that all he deserves is a good life and you constantly blame yourself for not being good enough, mostly angry at your past self for not even knowing how to make good decisions and think things through. 

if only you could turn back time, you would tell yourself to never get involved with a pro hero – to never get involved with someone who feels so responsible for other strangers’ lives but not their own child’s. 

were you being selfish? for not understanding that his work always comes first? he can’t possibly have a family when he has villains out there that need to be put in their right place for their crimes. were you expecting too much from him?

“can’t you… get rid of it?” he muttered. his cold words felt like a sharp blade that just stabbed you in the heart. never once you thought that he would say that. how easy was it for him to ask you to throw out another life like it meant nothing? 

“keigo, you can’t be serious.” you shook your head, your legs were already wobbling and you felt sick to your stomach. this news should be happy for the both of you but unfortunately, you two weren’t on the same page. 

was it your fault? keigo never spoke about having a child together but he always said he’d love to build a family with you someday – he loved you, he would always protect you and be there for you. sure, it was a slip up this time. you always made sure to take proper measures to avoid pregnancy from happening but you were also more than glad to bear this child and you were convinced that keigo would be happy about it as much as you were. he loved you so much, after all. 

“i don’t think…” he stammered, trying to find the right words. “give me some time.”

your lips pursed into a thin line, hands clenching hard and knuckles turning white. think? the uncertainty in his voice was already giving you the obvious answer. he couldn’t even look you in the eyes. he never wanted this.

“save the trouble, keigo.” you spat. “how about i’ll just leave so you don’t even have to think at all?”

keigo finally lifted up his head to look at you with wavering eyes, but he still couldn’t find the words to say, to comfort you. “what are you saying?”

“i’m still going to have this child. even if it means i have to do it alone.” with a sharp breath, you turned around towards the door.

you heard a frustrating sigh coming from your back, “you know i can’t. you know damn well that i have my job as a hero and i can’t look after… after a child!”

“but it’s your child keigo!” you turned around to scream and look at him again, tears already welling in your eyes, threatening to pour out.

“and what difference does that make?!” he yelled back. “in fact, that’s even worse!”

the room was quiet as the both of you just stood there. keigo slowly realizing what just came out of his mouth in the heat of the moment while you just stared at him in disbelief. both were standing stunned and speechless from what he clearly said. that was it, you thought. 

“fuck you.” you cursed under your breath and immediately left his place, not even sparing a look back. 

if he was sorry, he would chase after you. if he didn’t mean it, he would look everywhere for you.

but none of that happened.

you ended up going back to your hometown after that. it was shameful, to finally see your parents again but just to cry on their feet as soon as you saw their faces and telling them that you were carrying an illegitimate child. it was devastating for them initially but thankfully they easily accepted it, welcoming you to stay over at their place with open arms so they could help you throughout your pregnancy until the baby was born and grown. above all, you were still their daughter. living far away, your parents had never met keigo and they were shocked to know that you were having the no.2 pro hero’s baby but also disappointed at how he reacted when you told him the news.

however, what was done is done and you can only manage to move forward by raising the child with your utmost capability. you promised yourself that you’ll protect and raise this child with as much love and care a mother can offer. whatever it takes, even if you’ll have to do it by yourself. 

you ended up living with your parents until your son turned four and decided to live independently, not wanting to burden them any longer. they didn’t want to let you go, the presence of the child brought so much joy in their daily lives. he was a bundle of sunshine and they loved him so much. 

and kyō is just beautiful. 

keigo’s genes manage to overpower your son compared to yours. fluffy but shorter blonde hair, dark and sharp on the inner corner of the eyes and not to forget the red wings on his back. it isn’t as big as keigo’s yet but it still stands out. although he takes on your personality more, every part of him reminds you of keigo and sometimes it feels like a jab to your chest. it hurts to be reminded of the man that hurt you and told you to get rid of the child you were bearing so ruthlessly.

throughout the years, you tried to make peace with the past. at first, it was hard to look at the news and see his face. he was almost everywhere, a lot of stores also sold his merchandise and his face even covered the magazines-- you realized you couldn’t escape him, your past. although he’s in the limelight, the media was still unaware about his private life and you were glad alas the similar features of kyō to the pro hero made some passersby and mothers at the park question you. fortunately, you already came up with a bullshit excuse like “he is such a big fan of hawks and he cosplays him every day… and oh, the wings are fake too.”

of course, strangers weren’t the only ones who inquired about it. even the little child himself could smartly notice his resemblance with the pro hero.

as soon as he first saw hawks on tv, he went on and on about how they looked so much alike. he was beyond fascinated, he could barely understand what the news was talking about at the time but being on the screen was more than enough to make him understand that hawks was an amazing guy. his eyes would twinkle in wonder when the news caught footage of him flying in the air with his red wings spreading graciously. if anything at all, kyō just couldn’t wait to flap his own smaller wings soon. 

then one thing led to another. a question that any curious child would ask their parents about. 

oftentimes kyō would ask you about his dad. why didn’t he have one like the other children he played with at the park and oftentimes you would try to avoid the topic and shrugged it off with a lame joke saying how you were also his dad and how you were powerful to have two bodies in one unlike other people. 

he ended up growing tired of it one day, crying to you and asked if the reason why he didn’t have one was because he didn’t love him – something he heard one of the kids said. it broke you and you were lost for words. you called your parents for support and after much discussion, your mother thought he deserved to at least know the truth and you did just that. 

luckily, he took it surprisingly well. even his little brain can comprehend the job of a top hero, he understood that it was a lot of work and keigo was often busy and far away. it was less to his liking when you made him promise you to not tell anyone about it and he should keep it as a secret because bad guys would chase after him if another single soul would know and his dad did it to protect him. it was a bad lie, but still, you had to do it.

later, kyō realized that his birthday was coming soon. he knew what he had always wanted. he didn’t know if he could have it but maybe… maybe if he tried and wished hard enough, it would come true. 

he sneakily took your phone to look up “hawks'' on your phone, though at first he was only shown results and pictures of the literal bird before smartly adding “pro hero” at the back. with limited comprehension, he eventually managed to find the agency’s website before scrolling further to find the address to the agency and scribbled it down on a piece of paper. 

-

“daddy?!” the bell has been ringing for a few times but you were too concentrated on decorating the birthday cake to even hear it but your son’s small wings flutter in excitement as he runs across the hallway to open the door.

your heart stops for a second. was that the reason why your son was pacing around the living room? you’re not expecting any guests for tonight’s dinner at all, especially the father of your child. 

“hey! i got your letter!” the familiar excited tone of his voice bursts from the door as he speaks. he kneels down eye-level as his son and gives him a big hug. “happy birthday.”

“what letter?” you break into the conversation, arms folded in front of your chest as you lean against the wall with an unamused expression written across your face. 

“i wrote daddy a letter!” your son says proudly, but you can already imagine the horrible squiggly lines on the handwritten letter. 

“and you gave me a picture too. you look exactly like me, am so happy!” keigo chuckles, ruffling the hair of his boy, eliciting little giggles from the other. it’s a beautiful sight and it makes your heart ache a little at the image of what it could’ve been. if only he was fully ready to accept the fact that he was gonna bear a child. if only he knew how to balance between his career and personal life. you could’ve had the most beautiful family you’ve ever dreamed of. 

“honey, can you go to your room for a bit? your daddy and i have to talk.” you say softly, hoping that he won’t take it any other way.

“am i.. in trouble?” kyō turns to you with a frown and puppy eyes – which he knows well that it would always work on you and it’s almost adorable how it’s exactly what keigo would do whenever he makes you annoyed with his antics. it’s just one of his ways to apologize to you. 

you sigh and shake your head, “no. we’re gonna talk about…” you glance elsewhere as you think of an excuse. “your surprise present!” 

“it’s not a surprise anymore if you say it like that, mommy!” the child laughs and scurries to his room as told and the both of you watch him with a smile tugged on your lips. 

you turn back to keigo with a dour expression as soon as your son closes the door to his room, causing him to fidget a bit from his spot. he hasn’t seen it for years, after all. he’s about to pull you into a hug but instead, you quickly turn your heels around towards the kitchen.

“i still have things to do. either you help me with it or leave.”

he quickly takes off his shoes and follows you, taking in the view around the house before he enters the kitchen. the atmosphere is stuffy and tense while you sit on the stool to continue decorating the cake. 

“you can help by setting up the plates. top cabinet.” you break the awkward silence and keigo obliges, he reaches the cabinet to take out the available plates and put them nicely around the table. 

“you made it yourself?” he tries to make a conversation as he glances at you working on the cake. 

“yeah.” you simply reply without taking your eyes off from your work. 

“it’s nice. chocolate?”

“obviously.”

keigo sighs from the underwhelming response, “i know you don’t want me here but –”

“no shit.” you almost slam the table but quickly recompose yourself by taking a deep breath. for the sake of your son, you know you shouldn’t get into an argument right now, at least not today. 

“look, i’ll leave as soon as this is over if that’s what you want.”

you glare at him, “it’s more than what i want right now,” then it’s your turn to sigh. “but i doubt that’s what kyō would want.” 

keigo already knows his name from the letter but his lips etch into a warm smile at the sound of the name you’ve given to the-- his child and a small part of him wishes that he was there in the process of choosing a name for the boy together with you. 

“okay, just for tonight. we’ll pretend like we’re a happy family.” you stand up from the stool after putting the last candle and set the cake in the middle of the table. 

“...and what if we don’t have to?” he blurts out after a brief and quiet moment, immediately catching your attention. he notices the puzzled look on your face and continues, “what if we really start being a happy family from now and onwards?”

you blink once, twice. for a second, you feel a heavy pang in your chest as your brain processes the words that just came out from his mouth. it’s like déjà vu, only this time keigo has certainty in his voice.

the room falls dead silent again as you stare at each other. you’re finding words and about to open your mouth to say something but kyō suddenly interrupts from the corner of the kitchen and both of your attentions quickly turn to him.

“mommy..? i’m hungry.” 

“oh, sweetheart. you’re just in time!” you walk up to kyō to carry him in your arms before bringing him to the dining table. his eyes sparkle at the variety of food spread across the table and his wings flutter in excitement. 

“can you help light up the candles? the lighter is in the drawer.” you usher to keigo as you show your son his favorite food you made earlier while keigo quickly rummages through the drawer. he lights up each candle as you put down kyō on one of the chairs before he stands on his knees to reach close enough to blow the candles. the both of you excitedly sing happy birthday and clap your hands as he blows off the candles after a brief moment for a wish. 

“what did you wish for?” keigo asks, affectionately patting kyō on the head.

“i wish to be a hero like daddy!” he exclaims, arms and wings spread in enthusiasm. a bittersweet feeling engulfs him-- a part of him is disappointed and ashamed of himself while another part of him is elated and relieved that he’s still looked up upon by his own child. in the corner of his heart, keigo thinks he doesn’t deserve it. kyō is a splitting image of himself (minus the color of his eyes that he takes after you) and it easily brings back visions of him from the past. he wanted to be a hero too, but his father wasn’t someone he could look up to. hence, making endeavor the only man he idolized. 

he realizes he is lucky enough to be the person his son looks up to. he knows that this was what his own younger self would want. a father he can be proud of, a hero at that. keigo wants to make it right with whatever it’ll take.

the night proceeds smoothly, all three of you have fun together like any normal family would and bonding over lost times. keigo is thoughtful (though his choice seems a little bit conceited) enough to give kyō a present; an action figure of himself. unknowingly, the walls that you built around you by the time keigo arrived earlier slowly crumbles and you grow less wary around him as time ticks by. when it’s bedtime for the boy, keigo insists on putting him to bed so he can spend more time with him which you gladly consented to so you can also continue cleaning up the kitchen.

a set of footsteps coming down the stairs can be heard as you’re seated on one of the stools while sipping tea. 

“want some tea?” you offer without turning around to look at the male.

“sure.” he says as he walks up to you. 

you can feel his tall and lean build ghosting you from the back as you pour a cup for him but his hands suddenly reach your shoulders and give them light squeezes. 

“what are you doing?” you ask quizzically, glancing at the hand on your shoulder.

“giving you a massage.” he smiles innocently as he continues pressing on the knot in your stiff shoulders, making you sigh in reflex.

“trying to get on my good side?” you say in a mocking tone.

“hmm, just showing my appreciation to you.” his hands move lower to your spine, your back arches a little as he presses down your aching muscles. 

“you’re five years too late, keigo.” you sneer but welcome his service as you close your eyes and hum in content. it’s not that bad, you assure yourself in your head. 

keigo diligently continues to massage your back as the kitchen now fills with your quiet sighs and whimpers whenever he rubs on the sore spot. without you realizing, he slyly pulls the collar of your baggy shirt down and plants soft kisses on your bare shoulder.

“k-keigo?” you immediately open your eyes and flinch at the sudden touch.

he remains quiet while his hands work up and down your arms gently and his lips move further up to your earlobe, sending tingling sensations down to your core and you can already feel your nipples harden underneath your shirt. 

“relax.” his hot breath fans over your ear as he whispers. your cheeks are already burning red and you’re out of sarcastic remarks as you can only find yourself to indulge into his touches. 

you gasp in surprise when keigo’s hands sneakily move under your shirt and quickly unsnaps your bra. he massages your breasts and kneads them gently before teasing your erect nipple between his fingers. your hands firmly clenches the edge of the island to hold yourself as he nips on the crook of your neck, just gently to carefully not leave a mark. 

“you want more, babybird?” he coos as he realizes that your thighs are pressing against each other. as much as you hate to admit it, the nostalgic pet name tugs on your heartstrings and you find yourself melting after hearing it after years again. 

feeling embarrassed, you quietly nod your head. 

“i can’t hear you.” a teasing tone lingers in his voice. he knows what he’s doing and you hate him for it.

“more, keigo...” you whine. it sounds so innocent and adorable but it absolutely makes his cock twitch. noticing that you’ve been avoiding looking at him the whole time, he uses one of his hands to make you look at him and grins when he catches the red tint spread across your face before he presses his lips onto yours. 

the traces of your ego make you hesitate at first but you’re quick to lose it as he deepens it, as if to send you a silent message of how much he misses you while his tongue intertwines with yours. 

one of his hands remains to massage your mound while the other travels down south to easily part your legs and cups your heated sex. keigo rubs the clit against the fabric of your pants, eliciting breathy moans from your lips between kisses. you pull away and lean back to his body as he slides his hand under your pants, feeling the wet patch that is already staining your underwear. 

“already wet from all of that?” he says playfully, taking out his hand to look at the damp juices as he rubs it between his fingers. 

“says the man that was grinding his cock on my back.” you roll your eyes halfheartedly, missing the faint blush that becomes apparent on his cheeks.

keigo then reaches for the cups in front of you and pushes them aside before lifting you up on the kitchen island, making you turn towards him. he swiftly pulls down your pants along with your underwear, your cunt bare and glistening under the lights for him to see.

his golden irises lock with yours as he kicks the stool to the side and crouches down to spread your thighs apart. he starts to lap off your juices, tongue alternating between your throbbing clit and hole. your elbows help to prop you up as your head hangs back and your eyes close in pure bliss. 

keigo smacks and clenches your thighs to draw your attention to him, “baby, look at me.”

you submissively lift your head to look at him, eyes locking with each other again as he watches you squirm on the tongue flicking your clit and eats you out like a starved man having his first meal after a long day. 

you grab a lock of his blonde hair in one hand, pushing him closer as your legs tremble around his head, feeling the bubbling sensation of your orgasm building up. 

“mmh – gonna cum!” you cry out in ecstasy, instantly forgetting the people next door and your son that’s sound asleep on the upper floor as you chase after your high.

keigo smoothly slides two fingers inside your pussy and your hips begin to grind desperately onto them. he knows you’re close when he feels the walls clenching around him and with another suck on the clit, he quickly gets to tip you over the edge. 

“so good for me.” he coos as he pulls away, licking his fingers clean before carrying your panting body in his arms and walks over to sprawl your body on the couch. he hovers on top of you and kisses you again while his hands work on unzipping and taking off his lower garments to free his throbbing cock. 

he smears the precum by pumping his cock as he watches you down, adoring the look of absolute bliss on your face and half lidded eyes that he longed for over the years. 

“my songbird,” he purrs as he leans down to you and lines his cock with your wet cunt, “you’re so beautiful.”

if you’re already red, the endearing pet name makes you even redder. your gaze avoids his to hide your embarrassment but he only draws it back gently by your chin with his thumb and finger. 

“don’t you miss me?” his brows furrowed as he searches your face. you can only stare back into his eyes – bright irises filled with nothing but genuine curiosity and desolation. 

your lips pull into a thin line as you ponder for a moment, promptly unable to vocalize like earlier. it’s as if you let even one word escape your mouth, it would make you burst into tears instead. of course you missed him. your mind often wondered if he even thought of you at least once. even when you did make peace with the past, you still couldn’t bring yourself to be the one to make the first step. ego is an ugly thing and you were certain that keigo should be the one to look for you even if it was hard for him since you just disappeared out of his life.

noticing the reluctance to give him an answer, he shushes you. “it’s okay.” he kisses you sweetly on your nose. “but let me show how much i’ve missed you.”

he trails open mouthed kisses down your jaw, neck and collarbone as your hands run through his hair and down to his back. a soft whine manages to escape from your mouth when he nibbles on the soft flesh of your neck, instantly marking it red this time. 

his mouth then latches onto your nipple through your shirt, making you squirm beneath him. your hands clenches to the fabric of his shirt when you feel his fingers teasingly dancing between your wet folds and his thumb ghosting over your clit. 

keigo gives you a kiss on the lips again before pulling away, the cushion dips as he props himself on the knees, rubbing his hard cock against your wet slits and smearing it with your juices.

a low hiss slips from his lips as he slowly prods in the tip of his cock and your expression twists into discomfort as you feel him stretch you out more – a familiar mixture of pain and pleasure that you haven’t felt for a while.

keigo waits for you to adjust and as soon as you give him the greenlight, he continues to completely balls deep inside you. 

“babybird, you feel so good.” he grunts as he bucks his hips and slowly starts to move. 

you bite your lower lip hard, enough to draw blood as you try to stifle your moans. keigo leans down to kiss you while your arms find themselves wrapping around his neck. he thrusts harder and faster and your whimpers and whines finally find themselves shamelessly slipping past from your mouth.

“fucking– hah– perfect.” he pants as he pulls away to look at your flustered face, eyes half closed and mouth agape with pleasure. 

you quickly bury your face on the crook of his neck and hold onto him tighter while your legs wrap securely around his waist. keigo moves his thumb on your clit, pressing down and rubbing circles all to entice nothing but tightening the coil down in your core more. 

“keigo, keigo –” you cry as your nails dig the fabric on his back and your toes curl to the intense sensation.

“baby wants to cum?” he growls as he feels your walls clamping around his cock, making him buck his hips even wilder. 

“yesyesyes – oh god, keigo!” your mind turns putty and unable to form any more coherent words, making only his name being the only thing you remember as your eyes close shut while you’re nearing your high. 

“that’s it – baby. cum on my cock.” he encourages and you do just that. your pussy flutters as you finally reach your orgasm but his sporadic thrusts doesn’t stop until it starts to falter and his wings tremble.

“fuck. i’m gonna fill you up.” he grits through his teeth and his cock twitches before his wings spread wider as he releases his warm cum inside you. 

the both of your bodies stay against each other, chests heaving for air before he briefly pulls out his cock and lays on top of your chest. 

“yes.” your voice suddenly croaks, breaking the almost silent air in the room if not for the sound of yours and his breathing.

keigo lifts up his head to look at you confusingly before a lopsided smile curls on his lips when he hears you utter the next few words.

“yes. i missed you and i don’t want to pretend anymore.” you suddenly feel overwhelmed and tears start to well in your eyes. a flash of panic crosses his face and he pulls you closer into his embrace, hoping to calm you down as you sniffle on his chest. 

“shh, baby. i’m sorry. i know it’s too late and i was so fucking stupid but i’ll – ”

“i want to live as a happy family with you, keigo.” you cut him off, sobbing through his shirt. he pulls away at once to look at you, unable to believe what he just heard through the choking sob but it still makes even him want to cry. 

“babybird, i – ” he’s completely tongue-tied. at this point he can only manage to lean down to be close to you again. he peppers kisses all over your face, saying how thankful and happy he is.

“i love you, my little bird. i won’t fuck up this time, i promise.” he whispers, finally regaining his composure.

that night, keigo could barely sleep a wink. so many thoughts are running through his head. he glances at you sleeping peacefully next to him on the bed and he already pictures how it is to be waking up to see your face every morning. he also hopes that kyō doesn’t know how to fly yet so he could teach him how to use his wings. oh, he’ll also get to find an excuse to buy more buckets of chickens once you three will start living together. 

he can already imagine how the headlines will be bombarded about him having a family and he sighs at the thought, but he hopes that his publicist is ready for a hell lot of work.

duskamethyst © 2020 • do not modify, translate or repost anywhere.

[coffee--writes]

The Message on the Wall

Pairing: James Potter x gn!Reader - Marauders x Reader Content

Word Count: 5.9k (jdklfdh im sorry) 

Warnings: Underage Drinking, Implications of... yeah. I think that’s about it. 

Requested: Yes, a long time (i feel bad for only getting to it but i hope the nonnie stuck around to see this piece) by an anon who asked for James x Reader with childhood best friends to lovers trope. 

Summary: In which, James Potter was busy writing himself a message on the wall but was too blind to read what he had to say. 

Pictures. 

In actuality they were only images. For Muggles, they stood stagnant, for James Potter they moved slightly. 

But in deeper meaning pictures were moments in time captured in a frame. They were a personal reminder of things that were, things that used to be and anything else that didn’t fall into one of the other two categories. 

James Potter adored pictures. His room was littered with them. A handful were of Quidditch players and Tutshill Tornados merchandise. One picture of him and his parents sat on the nightstand beside his bed. But adjourned on the wall to the left was a mostly blank wall. One small Tornados banner was pinned against the soft red paint and in the middle a picture he was particularly fond of. 

The film captured James at the age of four. A broom was clutched in his left hand and a toothy smile on his face as the wind rustled his hair causing it to stick up more than it already did. Beside him was you, your eyes crossed and your tongue licking a swirled lolly. 

When his mother had shown him the picture you had just left for home, making a young James quite sad that his friend couldn’t stay just a little longer. Euphemia Potter had smiled, handing the picture to her son. “It’s okay, my love. Now you have a piece of Y/N with you.” 

“How?” James had asked, his lower lip jutting out in a frown. 

Euphemia laughed. “The picture captures you together. Look how happy the two of you look!” she points at her son’s smile in the photo. “You can do whatever you’d like with it.” 

James grinned, his eyes lighting up once more. “I want to hang it, mum!” he dragged her hand into the bedroom with him, climbing on top of his bedsheets and pressing the picture to the wall. “Here. That way I can say goodnight to them even when they're not here.” 

Euphemia Potter smiled watching as her son tucked himself under the covers. “That’s a brilliant idea, James.” With a wave of her wand, two pins fastened themself to the wall, the photo beneath. 

That was the beginning of James’s love for pictures. More pictures would accumulate such as the one of him and his father at a Tornados game. Drawings you would give him of flowers and Kneazles. The pictures would come and go but yours stayed the same. An additional picture of you and James would later be added three years later when the two of you were seven. James’s broom no longer sat in one hand, instead was gripped with two and hovering five feet off the ground. He had a wicked smile on his face, his glasses slightly falling down his nose. You sat behind him, your small fingers clutching to his waist as the picture captured you mid-squeal. 

Time went on yet the pictures of the two of you stayed the same. Along with your drawings, which had improved dramatically since you were seven, he’d occasionally find a Hollyhead Harpies banner plastered to his wall. When he came to scold you, pink banners adjourned in his hand, you’d laugh at the pout on his lips. He could never stay angry at you and always joined in on your laughter. 

The final year before things would slightly change was the year before going to Hogwarts.  A third picture was added at the age of ten. The Potter family had accompanied your family on a trip to Diagon Alley in which you had bought your screech owl, Juniper. James had one arm wrapped around you. His hair was untidy and a goofy smile was on his face as his other hand flicked your forehead. Your eyes were closed mid-laugh as one hand pushed his face away and the other perched with Juniper who screeched happily on your available arm. 

Again, time went on quickly and changes were made in James Potter’s room but you were not one of them. He packed up his Hogwarts things the night of August 31st, leaving his room full of pictures with a soft smile. 

You rode on the train with him, both of you waving goodbye to your loved ones. You grinned at him wickedly, “Excited?” you ask. 

“Definitely.” he responded. “Do you have money for the trolley?” 

You slide into a train compartment, one small boy already sitting there. “Yeah. Do you need to borrow some?” 

James nodded and you rolled your eyes, handing money over to the kind witch who passed by, grabbing pumpkin pasties for you and Bertie Botts for James. 

The ride was life-changing as you made acquaintances with similar mindsets. Two more boys entered your compartment and along with the scrawny boy from before, all of you made it to Gryffindor. “Where dwell the brave at heart” as James liked to put it. 

First year was an interesting feat with James quickly falling head over heels for Lily Evans. Your friendship never faltered although the thought of her in his life made you feel odd. However, you were sure she wouldn’t be in his life for quite some time seeing as his persistent efforts were met with an equally stubborn rejection. 

“She’s a firecracker, that one.” he sighed, walking beside you down the hall after another devastating encounter with Lily. 

“You’re just embarrassing yourself now, my boy.” you reply, dubbing his nickname to ease the comment. 

He smirked. “Then why do you hang out with me?” 

“Because, I’m the one who makes sure you don’t cross the line from embarrassing to mortifying.” 

He shakes his head with a silly grin. “I doubt that. You love me. That’s why.” 

You laugh, an effective way of avoiding the curious ideas that ran through your young mind. “Don’t throw around the l- word so quickly! You’ve got to mean it.” 

James bumped your side. “But I’ve known you for years.” 

You ruffle his hair, making it messier than it already was. “Save it for Evans.” 

---

The year ended and the two of you went home to Northern England hands overflowing with Gryffindor red, spirits high with a drive for Quidditch practice and addresses from Remus, Peter, and Sirius tucked away in your pockets. 

James’s room changed tremendously that first year. Alongside the Tutshill Tornados merchandise were small Gryffindor banners, lions enchanted to roar at the touch. You had given him one of your sketches from the school year, one of Sirius and him laughing in Transfiguration, another of him and Peter skipping stones. The pictures of the two of you still remained, a small collection of dust coating the edges which he wiped away with a smile. 

Second year was merry and full of high spirits. James had acquired his father’s invisibility cloak which gave cause to a number of nighttime rendezvous and adventures in the kitchens. Suspicion arose on Remus, whose monthly disappearances came to your attention. With the help of Sirius and Peter, the group soon discovered Remus’s guarded secret and accepted the furry little problem with open arms. 

The Lily Evans situation did not get any better with James’s persistence holding up fiercely and her hatred toward him even more harsh. As Sirius had dubbed it, “Mate, at this point you’re never getting married.” Remus and Peter whole-heartedly agreed, sending James into an adolescent spiral. 

“What if I don’t get married, Y/N/N?” he confided in you by the shores of the Black Lake. 

You chuckled, his delirium quite adorable. “You’re going to get married, James. Trust me.” 

He sighed, snapping a twig between his fingers. “It’s not definite.” 

“Nothing is.” you counter. 

James groaned. “I know. I know. But I would like it to be. Wouldn’t you?” 

You contemplated the idea, a thought coming to your head. “What if it could be?” 

He stared at you curiously. Your eyes lit up and James grinned. “Hit me.” 

“If by the time we are thirty neither of us are married then we should get married to each other.” you propose, a proud smile on your face. “That way we can have a definite of our own.” 

James grinned. “I like that idea. But what if one of us gets married before that?”

You frown. “Then I guess it’d be a flop. But it’s better than nothing, right?” 

He agreed quickly. The sun was setting into a pond of pink. The wind rustled and birds chirped and the moment seemed picture perfect and James wished a camera would magically pop up and capture the moment so he’d be able to hang it on his wall for years to come. It did not work that way, instead, he turned to you with a smirk. “I don’t have anything to propose with.” 

You looked down in embarrassment and gave him a shove. “We’re not getting married yet! It’s just a deal not the real thing.” 

He rolled his eyes at you. “I know but it feels as though something special should happen. How about we seal with a spit swear?” 

You stick your tongue out and pretend to gag. “Ew! No.” you flick his forehead causing him to wince. He grins before flicking you back, watching as you fall back onto the grass. 

“I guess a flick works as well.” he sighs. “Y/N Potter has a nice ring to it.” 

Your head falls against his shoulder. “I can’t believe I might be a Potter one day. Sounds disgusting.” 

James laughs, the weight of your head feeling oddly familiar against his shoulder. “Oh, shut it!” 

--- 

The years came and went. Third year, James made the Quidditch team and he quickly became a ladies man despite his obvious pining over Evans. You made sure to keep his feet on the ground as you didn’t want his ego to get larger than it already was. You came to all his games, occasionally bringing a camera so that James could add his moments of glory onto his beloved room wall. There was the time he tried dedicating a shot to you and ended up getting knocked off his broom by a Beater. 

He made the next one thankfully. 

On the other hand, you had earned the title of master dueler amongst the third years for your quick arm and sharp spellcasting. While James was at Quidditch practice: you, Peter, Remus, and Sirius would practice in empty classrooms although after a while they became rather bored as you would always win. James would cheer you on, even when you beat him there was a compliment of your skill and he was more than anything, proud. 

The summer between third and fourth year was the year the Marauders got their first group picture together. Everyone had met up at the Potter residence, Euphemia Potter snapping the photo with Sirius and James to the left, Peter and Remus on the right, and you in the middle. James hung the picture on his wall as it was routine by now. The whole gang got to see his famous wall of pictures, his life an open storybook to anyone who looked closely. 

Fourth year sparked love, pranks, and new ideas. Peter went on his first date, flaming at the cheeks as his friends waved him off embarrassingly. Group pranks ensued upon Snape whose oily hair was dyed all colors of the rainbow by the end of the first semester. You had gone on your first date as well, Steven Goldstein from Hufflepuff whom James threatened to beat up and Sirius who gave him “a talk”. 

Most importantly, the group addressed Remus’s furry little problem seeing as each year he came back with more and more scars than before. Two ideas sparked up from the meeting and both were large feats that every member of the group was willing to take. 

“So wait..” Peter asked. “You want to make a map… that tracks everyone in Hogwarts?” 

James nodded and Remus shook his head. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Don’t look at me that way, Remus.” 

Remus shoved him lightly. “How would that even work though? Isn’t it a little invasive?” 

You smiled. “It most certainly is invasive but think about how awesome it’d be to have something like that. All we would need is…” 

“A complex locator spell.” you and Sirius said together. 

Everyone grinned. “Pete can do the drawing and sketching. He’s good at that stuff. We should check for secret passageways. All of us could do the magic. We’ve got the brains.” 

“I don’t think someone with brilliant magic technique would use the word brain to describe their intelligence.” you point out. James simply flicked you in the head. 

“And there’s the Animagi thing…” Sirius added. 

“That’s a reach.” Remus replied. 

“More than the map?” Peter questioned. 

Remus sighed. “You guys don’t have to do that for me. I’ve been transforming on my own for years. No need to have buddies now.” 

“Nonsense.” you say. “Anything for you, Rem. This is what you deserve.” 

The friends looked at each other silently. “Are we ready to pull off the biggest student feat in Hogwarts history?” Sirius whispered. 

“Aye, aye.” Everyone cheered. 

Peter grinned. “We’re up to no good.” 

James smiled back. “Then let us manage our mischief well.” 

WIth that the group commenced, exiting the abandoned classroom they used and taking off to class. James walked by your side as you headed to astronomy together. 

“I can’t wait till we pin this down. It’s going to be an epic year.” he grinned. 

You chuckle. “I know you’ll end up stalking someone, Potter. Evans by the looks of it.” 

He shook his head, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Nope. I’m gonna stalk you instead. See if you’re hiding any secrets from me.” 

You smile. “What secrets could I possibly be hiding from you, my boy?” 

James nudged your side with a smirk. “You’re telling me a good-looking fellow like yourself isn’t sneaking off with some other lad other than their best friends.” 

You shook your head, the word “good-looking” repeating itself in your mind. “No. If I did I would tell you.” 

“Good.” he said, starting up the stairs to the Astronomy tower. “I don’t need some arsehole stealing you away from me.” 

You roll your eyes. “No one could ever steal me from you, James. I’m not a Quaffle.” 

He nods with a grin. “Yeah. I suppose you’re more of a Snitch.” 

You laugh, dashing up the stairs in hopes that you wouldn’t be late for your Astronomy lesson.

--- 

As one could guess more pictures and sketches made their home on James Potter’s wall. It was a cluttered mess but beautiful nonetheless. It was as though the wall had an expression of its own with its array of Quidditch jerseys, photographs, art, and ticket stubs. Nobody touched the wall except James as he liked having every picture in place. His wall organized the way he liked it best… messy. 

Fifth year was the first year you didn’t see James every week. He had eagerly signed up for Quidditch camp and had left for Wales with promises that’d you write about the boys and the progress on the map and Animagi projects. The projects went well with Peter completing the outline sketches of the maps, Remus filling piles of papers on Animagi transformations and finally Sirius and you gathering the needed ingredients for the Animagi process. 

You had grown taller over the summer, hair lightening and your features more accentuated. Eagerly you awaited James’s return and when the time did come you had woken up early in the morning to see him arrive by Portkey on the hill. The second he appeared you had rushed over, engulfing him in a hug. You had missed his touch, his constant nagging and overall  the James Potterness that followed him around that would never fade with time. 

Meanwhile, he was left out of breath, a couple of inches taller and a smile on his face as he squeezed you back. “Y/N/N! I missed you, you lazy hag.” 

You laughed, messing up his hair that sat more neatly than in previous years. “And I missed you, my boy.” 

The next days before school were spent catching him up on the map and at the pond by your house. With each swim you noticed the changes in James such as the six-pack the tedious trials at Quidditch camp had given him. 

“Oi!” you shouted, splashing him in the face. “Whatever happened to the skinny twig that was my friend?” 

He smirked. “Oi! Why are you looking?” 

You bit your lip, not allowing him to see you flustered. “I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and it’s a very noticeable change!” you pointed at his toned stomach. 

James tapped your nose and you stared at him in annoyance. “It’s only noticeable if you want to notice it.” 

He turned around, making to walk back to the shore of the pond. You didn’t remember when James had gotten so cheeky although he’d always been that way, just never with you. Wickedly, you took the bucket that floated beside you and dunked it in the water. With a mischievous grin, you snuck up behind him, dumping the bucket of water on his head. 

James turned around with a gasp, jaw dropped. You laughed, a wide smile on your lips at the sight of him drenched in his swim trunks. It wasn’t until his arms tucked along your waist, dragging you to the deeper ends of the pond did the smile drop and his return. 

“Why you little…” you seethed. “James Fleamont Potter if you-” 

It was too late by then, your body submerged in the water and you swam up, his laughter the first noticeable sound. You scowled as he doubled over with laughter on the shore. “I’m never letting you go to Quidditch camp again.” 

The two of you walked home as the sun set, many flicks to the forehead ensuing as you did. 

---

Fifth year was by far the most epic year of your Hogwarts experience. Everything was prepared for the Animagi transformation and phase two of the map project was ready to launch with Remus having gained access to the restricted section of the library. 

It seemed as though the whole student body had recognized the change in James’s physique which only led to an inflation of his ego. The worst part was that Lily Evans just so happened to be one of those said noticers and while her defiance toward him was still strong, she could be caught staring in class much to James’s delight. 

The Animagi process began as soon as the September full moon. While Remus suffered in the Shrieking Shack, the four other Marauders set their Mandrake leaves into their mouths preparing for an uncomfortable month of bitterness on their tongues. The leaves were held under their tongues when talking in class and for the rest of the time they resorted to note passing leaving the entirety of Hogwarts wondering why the Marauders went quiet so suddenly. 

During the period between moons, they worked on their map. Stacks of books, both regular and restricted, lay among them. Each had a quill and parchment used to take note of spells or pass messages back and forth. As you worked you received a message from James in the form of a crumpled ball of parchment. You smoothed it out with a sigh. 

I hate this thing. It tastes like piss and lime. 

You held back a chuckle, writing your own message next to his. 

You’re not backing out of this, Potter. It’s for Remus. 

He stuck the leaf under his tongue in order to stick it out at you and you rolled your eyes. He scribbled a message back. 

I know. I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it. 

You smirked, tossing the parchment back to him. 

If your scrawny arse can come back from Quidditch camp with abs then you can stomach keeping a leaf in your mouth for a month. 

He smoothed it out and you went back to your work only getting in a minute's reading before the parchment bounced off your head. You scowled at his antics but he only looked at his book with a smirk. Unfolding the paper, James’s messy handwriting took up the last blank space on the parchment. 

Nice to know you still think about my abs. 

Your stomach squirmed at the feeling that inflamed from his words and the smirk that was on his face. You flicked him on the head, throwing the parchment into the fire before Sirius could ask what it was. 

--- 

It took moon soaked leaves, untouched morning dew and a lightning storm to finally complete the transformations. It was on a late November night that a lightning storm finally struck and in the fifth corridor bathroom the Marauders made their first transformations. For Peter, a small rat with a wriggling tail. For Sirius, a pure black dog. For James, a large stag with mighty horns. For you, a sly fox with sleek orange fur. 

Thus that night began the use of the nicknames: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs and Vixen. Dubbed by James and agreed upon all around. The final full moons of fifth year were spent prancing around Hogsmeade alongside Remus whose scars diminished with each transformation spent with his friends. 

The downside of it all was the building tension in the school. With Lord Voldemort on the rise, more and more of your classmates were showing their true colors. Select Slytherins no longer wore short sleeves, their wrists always covered even in the heat of summer. Watchful eyes and protective glares, you went home for summer in worry. 

Over the summer, Prongs lost his Pronginess. He wrote to Lily Evans most days of the week and now the things she sent him hung on his wall alongside you and the Marauders. An anticipated change but a scary one still. Every outing with James became more about Lily and less about anything else. You could feel your best friend slipping away and you told him so the night before the start of sixth year. 

The two of you sat together in the branches of a tree. The sun hit your skin in rays and clouds passed by over your heads. James’s voice droned on about his darling Lily flower and with an unknowing malice you snapped at him. “Shut it!” you groaned. 

His eyes looked over at you, hands holding your head in remorse. “Aren’t you happy for me? You’ve been acting off all summer.” 

“I’ve been acting off because you’ve been acting off. I am happy for you but Evans is the only thing you talk about these days. What happened to talking about the Tornados or sneaking out together for milkshakes?” 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “It’s different now.” 

“Well, it shouldn’t be.” you exclaim. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t grow up. I support the idea of you no longer being a cheeky bastard. If you’re happy with Evans then I am happy for you. But being with Evans doesn’t mean you have to forget about me or the Marauders or everything else.” 

James nodded, a leaf spinning between his fingers as he frowned. “I’m sorry, Y/N/N.” 

You shake your head. “I am too. Sorry I snapped at you, my boy.” your head fell onto his shoulder the same way it had done for years only this time things had changed. The weight still felt perfect on his shoulder but now his stomach turned and his breath hitched at the close proximity. Things were indeed changing although the two of you only danced around it, not wanting to address the mess you two had made. 

Your head was still against his shoulder as you spoke quietly. “Just remember you’re not a Quaffle.” 

He chuckled, stroking your hair affectionately. “I guess I’ll be the snitch then.” 

You smiled, swimming in the feel of the James Potter you knew so well. Later that night, the two of you snuck out like old times, sharing a chocolate milkshake and sending each other glances the whole way home. 

--- 

Sixth year was a rollercoaster. The map was finished, all the efforts poured out finally receiving an equally impressive outcome with the parchment branded with the names of the Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs and Vixen. Remus had his first kiss and Sirius decided on leaving home and James welcomed him with open arms. 

The other Marauders were not impartial to the changes in your and James’s behavior. The miniscule changes in his face when you napped on his lap or the flush of your skin when he rustled your hair. In all honesty, it was as though the two of you were finally waking up and seeing what they’d been seeing all along. However, your own defiance was strong and love wasn’t simple. James was still under the impression that his heart beat for Lily Evans and you flirted around your feelings as opposed to finally confronting them. 

When Gryffindor won the Quidditch season, you were the first one in James’s arms to congratulate him. He spun you around, a large grin on his face. “We won!” 

You smiled. “That you did, my boy. Celebration calls and are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “Hmm? Let me guess… Firewhiskey?” 

“That’s my boy.” you cheer, linking your arm in his and dragging him off the field as Lily Evans watched the boy she had taken a chance on run off with someone else.

---

Firewhiskey made for a fine celebration and resulted in James and you collapsed on the floor of the Gryffindor common room at two in the morning. His glasses were crooked as he stared up at the ceiling and your hair fell in waves on the floorboards. 

“Blimey, I can’t believe we won.” James chuckled, his words slurring together slightly. 

“You deserve it, my boy.” you say, lightly punching his arm. “How are you feeling on this fine evening?” 

His cheeks went pink but a smile overtook his features making for a hilarious expression when he shouted out. “Randy!”  

You doubled over with laughter. “Gosh, James. I don’t need to hear about this.” you shove his grinning face with your palm. 

“What, you've never felt randy before?” he asked, a childlike expression on his face juxtaposing such an intrusive question. 

You hide your embarrassment behind a grin. “Yes, but I’m not going around telling you about it.” 

He tapped your nose with the tip of his finger and your stomach swirled. “And why not?” 

You turned over to your side. “I’m not sure best friends tell each other about being randy, Prongs.” 

James sighed. “I guess not. But how are you feeling, my little vixen?” 

With a swig of your drink and a grin you reply. “Randy.” 

The two of you erupt into fits of laughter. James pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I suppose it’s the whiskey then.” 

You stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I suppose so.” 

Both of you knew that wasn’t the case. You knew that despite the whiskey slowing the gears of your mind you still noticed James’s hand laying by your waist. You could still trace the outline of his chin and the bridge of his nose. James could still see the curve of your lips and the rise of your chest. Firewhiskey was most definitely not the cause of your randiness. 

But it was the easiest thing to blame. 

--- 

Your birthday came soon after with the Marauders celebrating in joy. Presents were exchanged with Remus giving you some books, Peter knitted (with the help of his mother) a pair of mittens for you and Sirius had gifted you a record to play on your stereo. 

But James had to be extravagant. It wasn’t everyday his best friend turned seventeen and he marked the occasion with something expensive yet meaningful. When you opened the small box inside had been a silver fox ring. It’s eyes sparkling gems that twinkled as if blinking. 

“James, I’m going to kill you.” you seethed. “This is way too expensive. I’m turning seventeen not fifty.” 

He laughed. “Oi, woman! It’s fine. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Besides, only the best for you.” 

You stared at it once more before engulfing him in a hug. “It’s beautiful, my boy. Thank you.” 

His arms squeezed your waist, breathing you in and remembering the sweet smells of childhood and friendship rolled into one. His eyes closed and it was as if he had drifted off into a pleasant dream. “Of course, my little vixen.”

You made certain to flick his head after. 

He was starting to regret giving it to you already. 

---

Sixth year came to a close with an even more devastating end than the last. The war only continued to rage with Muggles being murdered miles away from the school, Muggle-borns driving into hiding. Sirius’s brother was slowly falling into line with the other Slytherins, devoting their hours to the torture of Muggleborns, Lord Voldemort and the likes. 

James left Hogwarts heart-broken when Lily Evans broke up with him on the last day of term. “Look around!” Lily had told him. “You’re blind, James. I’m not the person you want and it’d be clear if you’d stop and take a look.” 

He hadn’t known what she meant and the first week of summer was spent crying and eating ice cream on the sofa with you by his side. His room had become a mess and Lily’s letters no longer remained on the wall instead crumbled up in a ball in the trash. 

Euphemia Potter couldn’t dread to see her son in the dumps any longer and she made sure to tell him so one evening after you had left. 

“James, you need to get your life together, my love.” she whispered, rubbing her sons back reassuringly. 

His words came out muffled into her neck. “It’s hard.” 

“I know.” she soothed. “And I’m always going to be there for you.” 

“Promise?” he asked. 

“Promise.” she smiled. “Now how about you go clean your room. It’s become quite dirty.” 

He nodded, trudging to his room with a broom. Lily’s words repeated in his mind as he entered. “You’re blind, James. Look around!” But there was nothing to look for. All he saw was his wall and a soft smile came to his face as he approached it. The Tutshill Tornado banners clung loosely to the paint and drawings of Kneazles and landscapes and trees. Pictures of the Marauders and Gryffindor lions. 

And finally the ones of you. 

His fingers ran across the picture in the middle. Four-year old James grinning and you licking a lolly. His eyes moved to the next one, seven years old and flying together on a broomstick. A grin broke out on his face as he saw the one with your owl in Diagon Alley, his fingers flicking your forehead. James’s mind was on hyperdrive as he examined each picture, one common factor in almost all of them. 

You. 

You were in many of the photos, a smile adorned on your face. If you weren’t in the photos you were the one taking them, knowing how much he adored them. Any pictures that hung were sketched by your hands. Here was James Potter’s open story, the story of his life all plastered to the wall as though it was an empty canvas. Present in every moment, every aspect, had been you. You had been the start of his book, the picture of the two of you as tots still smacked in the middle of the wall. Yes, he realized. You had started his book and had remained in it for quite some time. 

Lily Evans must’ve noticed and maybe everyone else had too. 

James had been blind to the message that was sprawled across his wall. He had been the one writing it, maybe not knowingly but writing it out all the same. Everyone had seen it except the writer and his subject, the message painstakingly clear years prior to its conception. 

He quickly removed all the pictures from the wall, grabbing each one that hung and piling them up in his hand. The door swung open as he dashed out of his room yelling, “I’ve got to go, mum!” before running out the front door. The hills of green were illuminated by the night sky, the stars burned for James as he hopped over branches and boulders to get to you. 

Your house was in the distance, your figure standing a few feet away from the home. He called out to you, your eyes turned to meet his. When he reached you, he paused, catching his breath. 

“James, what on Earth are you doing here?” you laugh, placing a hand on his shoulder as he breathed. 

He stood up straight, panting as he held up a photo. “This is us when we were four. The first photo we ever took together.” 

You squinted at him. “Right?” 

He shuffled through the pictures, fingers tracing each one. “And this is from when we were seven. That one from when we were ten. You gave me this drawing when we were six because you loved Kneazles and wanted one as a pet. That drawing was from the first year when we went skipping stones at the Black Lake and you sketched me and Peter.” 

Your face melts slowly. “James, I don’t understand. You’ve had these for years.” 

He exhaled, his eyes lighting up. “That’s the thing. I never saw it till now but Lily said I was blind and that she wasn’t the person I wanted.” You nod, wiping the sweat from his forehead with your sleeve and he grinned. “See that right there. That’s what I want.” 

The night air bit at your spine. “You want me to wipe the sweat from your forehead?” 

He shook his head with a soft chuckle. “Not exactly. I want you to wipe the sweat from my forehead for the next year and the next ten and then the next fifty. You’ve been doing it for years already and the thing is… I don’t think I want anyone else doing it for me.” 

You blinked as he came closer, his palms cradling your cheek as you gazed into his eyes. “You’ve been in my life for as long as I could remember and I want you to stay in it for as long as I live. You told me once to not throw around the l-word and I said…” 

“But I’ve known you my whole life.” you mutter. 

“I think I’ve loved you for a while. I just didn’t know it yet.” 

You shook your head as the wind rustled the branches, the windchime on your porch creating soft melodies. A large grin spread across your lips yet you continued to shake your head. “There’s a war, James.” 

He smiled. “Only more the reason to be with me.” 

“But I’ve been with you my whole life.” you tease. 

“Oh, shut up!” he chuckles, before leaning down to capture your lips. At that moment everything made sense. All the pieces of the puzzle sifted into place and the stars applauded you from the sky and the night gale created a ruckus at your shed blindfold. 

“Be my Snitch?” he asked. 

You rolled your eyes, “That’s the cringiest thing you’ve ever said, my boy.” 

He smirked. “Oh, but you love it.” 

“Perhaps I do.” you replied, flicking his forehead for good measure. 

---

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[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

HEY BESTIE ITS ME AGAIN! i was wondering if i could get a will request with angst. LOTS AND LOTS of angst about will and the reader seeming to always miss each other in sense of relationships and because of that the reader distanced themself from will so months pass by and they both are single then and they run into each other and eventually get into a fight bc he’s upset that they ghosted him and eventually have an angry love confession and happy ending?

thank u sm bff

YOU WANT ANGST, I"LL GIVE YOU ANGST...in a fairly decent amount cause this was hard to write for some reason🙃 sorryyyy @poulterfilms

~~~~~~~~~~

Why did life have to be so hard?

You watched as Will got ready for his date that night, giddy and excited to be going out, rambling on and on about how nice this person was, who he met a few days prior.

You just smiled and nodded along, pretending that your heart wasn't painfully throbbing with jealousy.

You hated this feeling, longing. It was strange, you never felt this way before with Will. You've been friends with him as long as you can remember, seen him have plenty of dates with other people. So why did you suddenly feel like you wanted him all to yourself? It wasn't like you at all.

"So, what do you think?" Will asked, snapping you out of your thoughts, slowly spinning around to show off his outfit.

You plastered on that same fake smile that you unfortunately got into the habit of doing nowadays. "You look great, Will. You always do." You didn't mean to sound so sad, but it came out that way and you internally cringed.

Will cocked his head with a confused grin. "You okay?"

You nodded your head eagerly. "Of course!" You stood up from where you sat and quickly adjusted the collar of Will's shirt, struggling to pull away when he smiled at you. "I always have to fix that damn shirt collar." You chuckled weakly, forcing yourself to take a couple steps back.

Will copied your chuckle, turning around to do a once over in his mirror. "What would I do without you?" He joked, but you frowned for a split second before shaking your head.

"Well, don't wanna keep the lucky date waiting, right?" You patted him on the shoulder, maybe a little too hard since Will rubbed his shoulder with a grimace afterwards.

"You are absolutely right. I'll be off then, night, love!" Will placed a quick kiss to your cheek, heading out of his house, leaving you alone with the ghost of the kiss lingering on your cheek. The innocent, and most importantly, friendly kiss.

You looked around the living room solemnly, looking to your feet to see the two pups you were trusted to take care of while the owner was out of his date. Welp, at least I have his dogs to share my misery with...

You had no idea how you let this happen. You've always seen Will as a friend, and nothing more. You've both hyped each other up when one of you scored a date. Will has seen you off to plenty of dates and never had a problem with it, so why couldn't you do the same for him?

Unbeknownst to you, Will actually has had similar feelings. He didn't know how it happened, but he developed strong feelings for you. He clearly knew you didn't feel the same, and he had to sit idly by as he watched you be in and out of relationships with people who weren't him.

He's never been one to get jealous, but he'd definitely be lying if he said he never was jealous of your partners. He wanted to be the one to hold your hand, he wanted to be the one to open doors for you, to be the one you smiled at when he wasn't looking. He decided to move on, even if it was the last thing he wanted. But his respect for you trumped his lust that he felt at the same time, he just wished he could turn his feelings off.

You decided to hole up in your apartment after Will came back from his date, the date that went "extremely well." The "he'd definitely be seeing this person again" date.

You couldn't say you were devastated, for obvious reasons. You didn't want to tell Will you had feelings for him, and you didn't want to be selfish. You always felt selfish nowadays.

You just felt like a burden.

It was hard hanging out with Will, always having to hear about his new partner, how they're so nice and kind and caring and apparently so fuckin' amazing...it made you want to vomit. It made you not want to hang out with him as much anymore, but thankfully, that decision was made for you. Will didn't have time for you anymore, he really wanted to make his relationship with this new person work, more than he wanted to keep your friendship strong, you thought.

Eventually, you just stopped trying to initiate conversations. Will would text you, all the time really, he'd just be too busy to see you. Between acting roles and sending time with his partner, you'd only be with him through text messages.

An epiphany struck you one day: you deserved better.

You knew you were right, and that's why it made your choice to painful. You had to cut ties with Will, but you had no idea how you'd do that without breaking down.

You took the coward's way out, at least, you thought it was cowardly.

You simply just stopped replying to his text messages. But once he started to text you messages like "can we talk?" you thought you might give him a chance. You said you'd do it tomorrow, then tomorrow turned into the next day, then a week passes, then a month. You stopped thinking about it, you didn't want to think about it, because every time you did, the urge to contact Will got stronger and stronger. You wanted to move on. You needed to move on. But, you never could get him out of your thoughts completely.

Months and months go by, and before you know it, it's Christmastime.

You'd decided to travel around after cutting off contact with Will, mostly just couch hopping with friends, exploring the area to get your mind off how heart broken you felt. It was a good distraction, for awhile. But now that Christmas was soon, you had to go back to your home town; you did miss your family quite a lot. But you did feel that similar anxiousness after coming back home, thinking about Will and the "what ifs." Will always loved spending time with his family during the holidays, and you knew he'd probably be in town.

Just going outside to check the mail was nerve wracking to you, but you chuckled bitterly at your paranoia, it's not like he was going to show up at your house out of the blue. He wouldn't do that.

Your family really wanted a Christmas tree, a real one. You tried to use your allergies as an excuse to just stick with an artificial tree, but your parents were dead set on having a real tree. It wasn't exactly a lie, you used to get real trees, you just couldn't be around one too closely or else you get into a sneezing fit. But you really just didn't want to be out in the town, just in case.

But your family dragged you along to help pick out a tree anyway, in the freezing cold.

You idly kicked some icicles that were formed on the bottom of tree branches, smiling subtly to yourself as you heard the crackle of the ice hitting the concrete. You looked over to see your family still trying to decide on what kind of tree they wanted, and you remembered how indecisive your folks were. You were gonna be there for awhile...

"Y/n?" As if you weren't freezing enough, the voice that you heard from beside you made a chill go up your spine, causing you to sink down more into your coat.

You looked to your left, unluckily for you, seeing your former best friend beside you, an unreadable expression on his face. "Will...? Uh, w-what are you doing here?" You weren't sure if it was the cold that made you stutter, or just the pure nervousness and almost fear that you felt.

Will uncomfortably shifted on his feet, taking a deep breath before answering. "My, uh, mum wanted to have a tree this year. I'm guessing yours did too?"

You nodded curtly. "Yep."

The awkward silence made you want to curl up into a ball and throw yourself off a cliff.

"We should probably talk." Will said.

"Uh," You nervously rubbed your hands together, "I don't think that's a good idea..."

"Why not?" He asked bluntly, his expression turning cold.

You sighed. "I...well, I have to help my parents get this tree so..."

"Fine. I'll come by later."

"Wait-"

"See you tonight." And with that, Will walked away in a hurry, not giving you the chance to refuse.

You bit the inside of your lip hard, a coppery taste coating the tip of your tongue when you explored the small dent in your mouth that you created from stress.

You figured this day would come soon enough. Karma's a bitch, as some say. You thought you'd have a bit more time to prepare yourself for a confrontation, but the universe decided to be a jerk and sucker punch you in the face with your regrets.

You went home, feeling like a knife was twisting in your gut as you helped your family set up your Christmas tree in the living room, constantly glancing at the clock every chance you could.

Eventually, your family decided to leave the house once more, having bought tickets to a play that night, which you politely declined to go to. You weren't interested in yet another retelling of the Christmas story acted out by little bratty children who couldn't remember their lines half the time. No, you have somewhat decent standards.

You just sat on the living room couch with your family pet, staring at the clock, seeing the hands move slowly until it finally reached nine o'clock. You untensed for a moment, thinking that maybe Will decided to not come over. The loud ring of the doorbell quickly squashed that idea.

You opened the door, not surprised to see Will on the other side, his cold expression unchanged from when you last saw him.

You said nothing as you moved aside, opening the door wider for Will as he walked in.

The air felt thick, like there wasn't enough oxygen for both of you to be in the same room. It felt similar to whenever you pulled your blankets over your head when you were little and afraid of the dark, thinking that nothing can hurt you if you were completely wrapped up in the comfort of your duvet, but never getting enough fresh air to keep those blankets over your head, eventually having to pull the blankets off to breathe. You really wished you had a blanket now...

"Well?" Will broke the silence, looking to you expectantly.

You shrugged slightly. "Well what?"

Will chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. "You know what, Y/n." When you didn't reply, he continued. "You stop talking to me all of a sudden, for months, not even telling me why. I need to know why, I deserve an explanation."

You sighed, looking anywhere but at him. "I just...needed some time away..." What a fucking lie...

"Some time away, really? That's your excuse? We were best friends, everything was fine, so what went wrong, huh? Why did you just up and leave everything behind without telling me?" You closed your eyes, trying to calm yourself as his voice got louder with every sentence. "Are you even listening to me? Do you hate me now, is that it? I don't know what I did, please, tell me." He pleaded.

"Will..." You whispered, finally looking to him to see unshed tears in his eyes. "it was me, not you. You didn't do anything wrong..."

Will stepped closer to you, his arms crossed. "Do you have any idea how much it hurt to be ghosted by the one person you thought cared about you the most? It really fucking hurt. And now, you're just standing here like you don't even care."

"I do care, Will." You said softly, reaching out to touch him but he quickly flinched away.

"Then why did you leave? I want the truth."

"I wasn't happy...with myself...with you." You started, walking over to take a seat on your couch. "I felt alone. You spent all your time with your partner, you rarely had time for me anymore."

"Wait, my partner?"

"Yeah...the beginning of this year, you started dating that person, I forgot their name..."

Will shook his head. "It didn't work out with them, I'm not seeing anyone, haven't for awhile. But that's not the point. Why didn't you just tell me that you felt alone? You know I would've made time for you if that's what you needed."

You felt like you wanted to scream, frustration starting to consume you, but you settled for a muffled groan. "It wasn't just because I felt alone..."

"Then what?"

Fuck it...

"Because I hated seeing you date other people. I absolutely hated it. And when you started gushing about how amazing this person was, I felt like I wanted to bash my head in with a hammer." Okay, maybe that was a little exaggerated, but you got your point across.

"You didn't want me to date other people?" Will's heart beat rapidly in his chest, just the thought of why you possibly felt that was making him anxious to ask, "Why?"

You were scared to answer, afraid of his reaction. What if he hated you? That would be the worst case scenario, you'd rather die than have him hate you. But, you did owe it to Will to tell him the truth. The unfiltered, honest truth.

"We've been friends for as long as I can remember. We always told each other everything." You smiled weakly. "We'd always be happy for each other whenever we went on dates and found people that made us happy. But...there was a point where I realized that no matter how many dates I went on with other people, I never truly found happiness in those people. Because, I always thought about someone else...you." You looked up at Will. "You've always been the one person to make me truly happy. And I finally figured it out, it's not because you were my best friend, it's because...you're the one I always wanted to be with, Will."

Will took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to take in your words. "That night, when I was about to go on that date, you weren't yourself. You looked sad..."

"I didn't want you to go. I wanted you to stay with me." You wiped away a few fallen tears with your sleeve, sighing tearfully. "I was being selfish...really selfish." You frowned.

Will carefully sat beside you, looking straight ahead. The red and green lights placed crookedly on the Douglas fir being one of the only light sources in the room, illuminating your tear ridden face and causing a reflective shine to Will's glassy sorrowful eyes.

"I had no idea." Will said, being the first one to break the silence yet again.

"That was kind of the point." You sniffled, curling your knees up to your chest.

"...I'm sorry."

You furrowed your brows, looking to Will in confusion. "Why are you sorry? I'm the only one who should be sorry."

Will shook his head. "No..." He laughed sharply, clenching his fists in his lap. "It's funny."

"What is?" You asked, trying not to sound offended.

"I've spend years trying to get over my feelings for you, and you tried to do the same. Guess I'm not as intuitive as I thought."

You silently gasped. "Will? You...? Huh?"

Will smiled weakly. "I only started dating other people because I was trying to push away my feelings for you, and of course, it didn't work."

"Will, if this is some joke-"

"It's not. Have I ever lied to you?"

"...no. You've had feelings for me this entire time? And I punished you for it..." You said as you felt the tears well up in your eyes again.

"No, Y/n, no. You had no way of knowing, just like I had no way of knowing how you felt about me."

"I'm so sorry, Will. I never should've left."

Will quickly grabbed a hold of your hand, bringing it up to his lips to place a gentle kiss on your knuckles. "You're here now. It's okay...we're okay."

"Can you ever forgive me?"

Will smiled softly. "Of course. I've never been able to stay mad at you for long."

You frowned. "What if I deserve it?"

"No. No, you don't. It's all going to be okay."

You took a deep breath, trying not to burst into tears again as Will pulled you close, wrapping his arms around you in a tight embrace. "What now?"

"Maybe it's too early to ask but...we could go on a date." Will chuckled weakly.

You looked back up at Will, trying to hide your growing smile. "Really?"

"If that's what you want."

You looked at the clock. "It's getting a little late, I don't think that many places would be open right now. We could go out tomorrow?"

"It's a date." Will smiled.

You sighed. "I really wish I would've talked to you about this instead of running away..."

Will shook his head, bringing his hand up to gently caress your cheek. "I shouldn't have raised my voice earlier. So now we both have something we regret. But it's okay, Y/n. I felt like running away quite a few times myself whenever you went out with someone else...or just hiring a hitman or something."

You laughed genuinely, playfully pushing Will's shoulder. "I think my family is gonna be home soon."

"That's my cue to leave, I take it?"

You pouted. "I don't want you to."

"Well, hey, we'll see each other tomorrow." He smiled.

You walked Will to your front door, frowning as he opened it. "I never used to be the clingy type with anyone."

Will turned around to face you, wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you in for a warm hug. "It's all going to be okay. We're gonna do this thing right."

You pulled away with a huff, looking deeply into his eyes. "I really want to kiss you right now." You giggled.

Will grinned, replying to your statement by leaning in, delicately brushing his lips over yours before fully placing them onto yours passionately. You could truthfully say that the kiss made you weak in the knees, it was everything you imagined it to be and more. It was intoxicating.

The kiss quickly got heated, and you didn't know if you'd be able to stop yourself. Will grabbed at your sides, trying to pull you even closer than you were already, eliciting a quiet moan from you when he gently pulled on the roots of your hair. But you finally forced yourself to stop, trying to catch your breath.

"Sorry." Will quickly apologized.

"I didn't want to stop." You snickered, running your hands through your now tangled hair. "We haven't even gone on our first date yet and I already want to rip your clothes off."

Will blushed and grinned. "Guess we'll just have to save it for tomorrow then."

"Tomorrow it is."

~~~~~~~~~

I had trouble writing this, if you couldn't already tell. Ugh, I have no idea why the reunion bit threw me off balance so badly

[avengersassemble-fics]

Stark Legacy

part 01/?? "the only person"

master list

word count 4.3k

an: :3 welcome to a new fic bc idk how to control myself

WARNING: this part does depict alcohol usage, and mentions of other substances a character uses to cope (though nothing is explicitly mentioned).

“An unemployment and housing crisis skyrockets to higher levels as people still struggle to adjust and accommodate the population we had years ago. Streets are littered with people seeking hope-”

“According to world economists, the surge in loan denials is leading to an unprecedented end, leaving the experts scrambling for a way to get the economy back on track, also claiming that the Global Repatriation Council may be asking for too much-”

“Protests break out across Switzerland as support for the group known as the Flag Smashers rises, with the Global Repatriation Council denying any comment on the matter, as well as refusing to comment on the rumours that the newly titled Captain America is investigating the matter-”

“What can we expect from Stark Industries now that Tony Stark is no longer with us? Pepper Potts, while having led the company in a positive direction prior to the Blip, has had no new developments over the last six months. With these newfound challenges the world is facing we’re left to wonder.. Who is going to step up as the ingenious mind behind new innovation? Will the youngest Stark continue on in the steps of father and brother, or are we seeing the end of the Stark Legacy?”

Click.

Silence filled the blue colored cottage that was tucked away at the end of the street in Ransdorp. Though dim and lifeless inside the cottage, outside the sun shined while birds chirped away happily and the sound of children playing echoed through the air. But inside the cottage, all alone, someone stood and tossed a television remote back onto the couch that was once occupied. They shed the blanket that had been wrapped around their shoulders all night while listening to all the different news reports, and entering a small bedroom and dressed in the dark. It was a Wednesday afternoon, and after shuffling through the cottage to grab a few things, the back doors were pushed and locked open, and a breeze blew through the house.

You squinted as you put a sun hat on and oversized sunglasses, overlooking the green oasis you had worked on every day for the last six months. Pushing away the thoughts of what the news had been saying, you stepped down onto the wooden patio that lined the back door and carried a hefty packed bag with you to the garden you had planted. You set the bag down and kneeled into the soft grass, and got to work on picking on fresh vegetables to use for your dinner later. Lucky for you, the soil was perfect here.

So… How have the last six months been for you?

Well the garden was a distraction your neighbor had suggested after finally catching you one day while throwing out a bag full of alcohol bottles you had consumed. You could see her take a second glance over your disheveled appearance, but she ignored it for the most part (which thankfully she did, you were a little sick of people telling you how to feel at the time). Naturally, instead of working through your problems, you distracted yourself from them.

But in all honesty… It’s been hard. Maybe it was selfish of you to think so, but you felt like you had been dealt one of the shittiest hands from the universe. The pressure from the world after… After Tony’s death was suffocating. As more paparazzi followed you around, the worse that anxiety had gotten. With that newfound attention, you had also been summoned by the United States government to attest for your time as a HYDRA agent. Lucky for you, in some way, they dropped any serious charges due to your restraint under the program, but sentenced you to weekly therapy sessions (since SHIELD had denied to disclose your mental capabilities). To your knowledge, Bucky Barnes had been offered a similar deal. The therapy lasted all of a month before you… Negotiated your way out of it, and returned to this safe place.

You drowned yourself in drinks and other activities after leaving New York, which in turn made your black-out episodes reappear, which had become evident as the photographed wall in your second bedroom started to be crossed out fast. You couldn’t help but twitch at the thought, and steered clear of that subject. But as of five months ago, you were all but cut off from all things Avengers.

Everyone had gone their own separate ways for the most part. Wanda was off the radar, Sam had gone and gotten a contract with the Air Force, Clint got his family back, Rhodey was some top notch Air Force guy (you didn’t really know what he was up to nowadays), Thor was gone offworld, Scott was making up for lost time with his family, and Bucky… Well, you didn’t know much about that situation either. Sam had tried to reach out after everything, but in one of your drunken states you threw your phone in the Weersloot river. You didn’t need a reminder of that day, or those few weeks even.

You never played the message Happy had given you from Tony. You never had the courage to do so, and you had it tucked away in your room safe and sound. Honestly? You were starting to think you never would be ready to hear what Tony had to say to you before he died. You just couldn’t bear to hear it, never would… Because if he even mentioned someone’s name you didn’t know how you would react.

When you started to think about Steve, you picked up a drink to take your mind off it. You had yet to come to terms with him leaving, because it still hurt like the day it happened.

Losing Tony was the worst thing that could’ve happened in your eyes. He was your family, though Pepper and Morgan had become your family too, Tony was the last piece of your family you could hold onto. The last shred to the past you fought so hard to remember and cherish, and now him and that part of you was gone. He was your everything. He always would be.

But Steve? Losing Steve wasn’t something you had ever even considered. While Tony was your soul, Steve was your heart. Despite everything you two had been through, the feelings hurt and the years it took to make it back together, Steve always had your heart. He was the man you wanted to fall asleep with and wake up to. He was the man you talked about growing old with, what life would be like if he gave up the Captain America mantle, he was supposed to be your future...

And then he stayed in the past, and left you here confused. Hurt. Alone.

You lost the two people you had left in the world. Your heart and your soul. And it was the most devastating blow you had ever felt… Everyday you wondered how someone comes back from something like that, if it was even possible.

Your thoughts were interrupted when a hefty softball landed in a thud in your garden and smushed one of your little tomatoes. You blinked at the sight before grabbing the ball and looking up to see the familiar short boy next door pulling himself up on the fence that separated your yard from his, and you grabbed a rag from your bag and wiped the softball off.

“Je vernielt in zijn eentje mijn tuin, weet je,” (You’re single-handedly ruining my garden, you know) you said to the boy and looked up at him through your sunglasses.

“Vergeef mij,” (Forgive me) he said and rested his head on his hands to watch you finish wiping his ball off. “Mijn vader wilde niet met mij spelen” (My dad wouldn’t play with me).

You stopped wiping for a moment and could see the sad look in the kids face. You smiled softly and stood, making your way over to the fence and handing him his ball back, though his expression didn’t change.

“Vraag het me de volgende keer dat je wilt spelen, oké?” (Next time you want to play, come ask me, okay?) You told him, and the smile reappeared on his face and he gave you a nod. You ruffled his hair as he jumped back off the fence and played once again. You went back to your bag, now full with vegetables, and picked it up to head back inside. You had a sweet pasta recipe to try tonight, and you think what you selected should work great-

You stopped in your tracks right before the back door. You lowered your sunglasses and lowered your gaze to the ground as you tried to focus on the sound in the air, the shift in the environment. You may have been slightly hungover but the presence was not hard to miss. You straightened your stance and gripped your sunglasses in your fist.

“Sam?” You called out. At first there wasn’t any rustling, but after a few moments you heard your back gate unlock and creak open, and that’s when you could hear the extra set of footsteps. You slowly turned around to face who had finally tracked you down, and were met with Sam Wilson… And Bucky Barnes in tow.

“What are you doing here?” You more so asked Sam. The pair glanced at one another and Bucky nodded his head at his partner in crime (God, you could just tell they were up to something) and Sam shoved his hands into the jacket he had been wearing.

“We came to see you, check in on how you’re doing,” Sam said. You chuckled a bit, and shook your head.

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” you called him out. “What are you really doing here?”

“We need your help,” Bucky said. You bit your tongue and looked them over, maybe just a little curious as to what was going on. Just a little. “We stumbled onto something that I think you may have some information on.”

You hummed to yourself for a moment, thinking it over. Truthfully, the last thing you needed was whatever this was. So you shook your head and shrugged your shoulders. “I’m afraid I can’t help, but thanks for thinking of me.”

You turned your back on them and stepped up a couple steps into your house, and was all but ready to close the door to the world and close yourself off from Sam and Bucky, but Bucky took a step forward.

“There’s more super soldiers out there,” Bucky said in a serious tone. You stopped in your tracks, gripping onto your door for a few moments before looking back out to the pair. Bucky was watching you intently, in a stare you had only seen on him once before (which you didn’t want to recount at the moment). There was movement near the fence, and your eyes darted there to see the neighbor boy peeping his head over to see what was going on. When his gaze met yours, and you gave him “the look” he disappeared just as quickly as he appeared, and you looked back at the pair standing in your yard and against all better judgement, motioned your head behind you. Understanding your cue, Sam led the way inside, and you shut the door quickly behind Bucky.

You moved around the burly super soldier and brushed past Sam to set your bag of veggies in your kitchen. You had to take a moment to compose yourself before facing the duo who had been watching you intently. “Okay.. Go on. What do you mean there’s more super soldiers?”

Sam grabbed something from his pocket, a phone it looked like, and pulled something up before handing you the device. You hesitantly took it and looked down at the phone, where a video began playing of the recent Gasel Bank heist. You watched as someone got beaten to the ground, but what was astonishing was the sheer strength the masked person showed. Captivated, you carried the device into the living room and plopped down into the cushions of your sofa and watched more footage, this time up close from what you could guess were Dumb and Dumber who moved to hover over you.

“We were hoping you might know something,” Sam said. You handed his phone back to him which he graciously accepted, and you tapped your fingers together in thought before looking over at Bucky.

“What makes you think I know anything?” You asked. Bucky seemed to huff in annoyance at your questioning him, in all honesty you just wanted to hear him say it.

“You and I both know what went into the replication of that serum, your program especially,” Bucky said. You felt a lump form at the back of your throat and you casted your eyes downward. “You were still there after me… Did they perfect Stark’s serum?”

You looked back up at his question, and you held his gaze for a moment. You couldn’t believe this was how your day was turning, and you were pissed that he of all people were bringing up your past, like you volunteered for any of that shit.  You lightly bounced your leg as you fought to remember what you had known.

“HYDRA had been unsuccessful in using my father’s formula of the serum again, even after you managed to escape their hold,” you started. You swallowed the lump in the back of your throat and leaned back into the couch, averting your gaze from Bucky to the floor as you searched your memory. “They brought in a scientist, but it wasn’t my op, and it was on a need to know basis. The only reason we knew they started the research again was they started taking people from the Phantom program to test the serum on.”

“Phantom program?” Sam asked.

“That’s what they called us,” you mumbled. “All of us were deemed dead so… It was only fitting.”

“Did the scientist perfect the serum?” Bucky asked. You shrugged your shoulders and met his look again.

“Didn’t think so,” you answered honestly. “So if there’s serum still out there, he has to be your guy. Though I can say I didn’t see any kind of sign of that activity when working with SHIELD.”

“But it’s a start,” Sam nodded and Bucky looked his way. The two started sharing odd glances, and you watched in confusion. Sam suddenly looked your way and motioned around. “Think you could spare some time and do this mission with us?”

“Sam-” Bucky began to say as a warning, but you chuckled a bit which made him stop.

“I don’t do this anymore,” you told them as you motioned between them.

“Come on (Y/N),” Sam tried to reason as you stood up and walked your way back into the kitchen and opened up a cabinet in search of tonight’s bottle of wine to go with dinner. “I get that you’re going through it, I really do, but-”

Just as you managed to select the perfect medium-bodied red wine, Sam had come up beside you and took the bottle out of your hand. “This isn’t going to help you.”

“Yeah Sam and what is?” You asked while crossing your arms. “Because right now the only thing that would help me out is to see my brother again but guess what! It’s not going to fucking happen! It’s just me, here, and all by myself. All by myself…”

Your words trailed off as a heaviness grew in your chest. The atmosphere in the room was a lot more stuffy, and you would rather curl up and disappear then let Sam (and Bucky) see you cry. But here you fucking were, with Sam seeing the tears build up in your eyes and the look he gave you, you wanted to be mad but the only thing that you could seem to feel was just sad. You blinked back the feeling and took a glance back at Bucky, who stood in your living room and averted his gaze. You looked back at Sam, and put on the best front you could.

“You’re welcome to stay for the night, someone can take the bed in my room and someone can take the couch, but tomorrow? We go our separate ways again,” you said in a low tone. Sam’s look at you was… Disappointment. Before the sentiment could settle on your already guilty conscience you turned around and grabbed your keys and a peacoat and stopped at the front door. “Help yourselves to whatever you need.”

With that, you pulled the door open and just as swiftly shut behind you. The cottage walls shook for a moment before settling to a silence inside. Sam looked down at the bottle in his hand and set it back onto the counter before looking Bucky’s way, who still looked annoyed.

“What?” Bucky defensively asked when he noticed Sam’s stare. Sam shook his head at him and pushed the wine bottle to the back of the counter.

“You pushed that too hard,” Sam said, to which Bucky scoffed.

“Me? You’re the one who asked her to join us which, by the way, where did that come from?” Bucky questioned as Sam came back to the living room and sat down on the couch. Sam leaned forward with his arms on his legs and rubbed his hands together.

“Take a look around Robo-cop,” Sam emphasized and Bucky let out an annoyed sigh. “You’re seeing what I’m seeing, right?”

Bucky looked around at your surroundings. He wouldn’t peg it as chaotic, but he also couldn’t pin it as put together. There were personal touches here and there, but it didn’t feel like you belonged here. Bucky wasn’t blind to what was going on here, but he also didn’t see how that pertained to what Sam was suggesting.

“Sam, we came for some information, we got it, so why don’t you tell me what you’re trying to say,” Bucky replied. Sam rolled his eyes and leaned back into the cushions.

“We let her come here, by herself, even knowing how devastated she was after Tony died,” Sam explained. Bucky’s eyes darted to the floor at the memory of him following you out to that shed the day of Tony’s funeral, and the empty expression your eyes held. “Hell, we don’t even know how she felt about Steve. We should’ve been here for this. And that makes us shitty friends.”

“Ah, I wouldn’t say we’re friends-”

“Oh I’m sorry, who's the one that said she owed you a favor?” Sam asked and Bucky shrugged his shoulders.

“I did, but that doesn’t mean-”

“Nah ah,” Sam cut him off and Bucky rolled his eyes. “If you two owe one another favors, then your friends.”

“That’s sound logic, Sam,” Bucky sarcastically said.

You tossed your glass bottle of whatever the hell it was you drank earlier into a trash can on your way back home. You pulled your keys out of your jacket pocket and jingled them around until you found your house key and hipped quietly. Your cottage was just in view and all the lights were out. You grumbled to yourself as you neared, forced to remember what had happened earlier in the day (and boy did you work hard to forget that Sam and bucky were at your lace haha). You stumbled up the two steps to your door and used the wall to steady yourself, before quietly shoving your key into the door and pushed the door open.

It took a second to adjust to the environment, but the whole cottage was pitch black, besides whatever light from the moon managed to filter in. You carefully walked around the couch and glanced down at who occupied it, and when you saw Sam peacefully asleep you then looked at the door to your room and shuddered at the fact Bucky must’ve taken residence in there. You huffed a bit, and pulled a spare blanket out of a basket and moved to the back door. When you finally got outside and shut the door to not disturb your guest you tossed your blanket onto the patio sofa you had and kicked your shoes off.

After shedding yourself of your peacoat and plopping down on the hard cushions, you inwardly cursed the two men inside. You were doing just fine before their arrival, you had a schedule of self loathing and drinking then sleeping that they were interrupting. You just weren’t looking forward to the repercussions of tonight’s sleep. You laid back across the sofa and looked up at the sky, though nothing was there anymore. Or at least there wasn’t anything you could see.

Let’s be honest here. The reason you had turned to drinking was because of the fuzzy feeling you got after awhile. Your mind got to drift to something else besides the memories of your past, like… what to drink next, or in this case, is that a star or an airplane? It made the moment more simple, it made you forget who you were until you woke up again. That didn’t mean you didn’t resent yourself for your actions, but you just added that to the list of reasons why your endgame was the best resolution. You just weren’t ready to tell anyone what that endgame was.

Your gate creaked and you tilted your head to look in that direction. You could barely make out the figure as they neared, Bucky’s face became more clear. You looked back up to the sky and shook your head a bit to yourself. Bucky came to a stop close to you, and sighed a bit.

“You should go inside,” He said quietly.

“You should just leave me alone,” you quipped back to him. Though you couldn’t see it, Bucky rolled his eyes at your drunken response. You suddenly felt a lot more sober, and you turned your head to face him. “You had no right, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Bucky asked and you huffed.

“You had no right to bring up the Phantom program. I didn’t tell anyone about that, not even Tony,” you admitted to him. Bucky bit his tongue and looked up at the sky for a moment to collect himself. “I didn’t want anyone to go digging into the extent of that.”

“I didn’t know,” Bucky admitted. You blinked at him as he caught your gaze again. “Look… I’m sorry.”

You fell silent before letting out a small sigh and adjusting yourself to be a little more comfortable, your head finally starting to feel dizzy again. But Bucky wasn’t ready to settle this, he shifted his weight and turned to face you.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Bucky asked. Your eyes fluttered back open and you looked over at him. He had taken a step closer, and hovered over you, and you raised a brow.

“What are you talking about?” You asked him this time.

“The drinking,” Bucky pointed out. You huffed and turned your head in the opposite direction into the cushions, and Bucky rolled his eyes. “It’s not going to help you know.”

“Yeah and how would you know?” You asked and looked back at him. Bucky leaned down to get in your face, and you tried to move back from him.

“Because I’m probably the only person who really knows what’s going on in your head.”

You bit your tongue, and Bucky backed off. In a bit of a daze, you plopped back down onto the cushions and pulled the blanket you brought out up to your chin. Bucky rolled his eyes at you shutting him down, and he moved to the door to go inside. The sooner the morning came and Sam and he could leave, the better for him.

“I never blamed you, you know,” you said in a light voice. Bucky stopped in his tracks and looked over at you. Your eyes were closed, and you were breathing evenly. Bucky retracted his hand from the door knob and took a couple steps closer. He needed to hear that again.

“What did you say?” He asked. You stirred a bit, but didn’t answer him. Carefully, Bucky used his gloved hand to touch your shoulder, and give you a small shake. When you still didn’t say anything, Bucky sighed and looked between the door and you and cursed in his head.

Bucky carefully slid an arm under your shoulders, and then hooked his other under your legs. He hoisted you up into his arms and into his chest, and your head rolled into his arm. Bucky shook his head at it and carefully brought you back inside, and past the couch, and pushed your room door open with his foot. Bucky sat himself on the edge of your bed and balanced you in his lap with one arm, and pulled your blankets open with a free hand. When he finally got you into your own bed, he took the blanket you had outside from you and tossed it onto his shoulder, and pulled the blankets on the bed onto you. Bucky stood from your bed, and before leaving the room he took a final glance at you as you stirred just slightly.

Bucky closed your door, and walked back towards the couch and settled himself onto the floor. As his back met the floor, he couldn’t help but wonder if you meant what you said, about not blaming him for what happened. One thing he did know was he meant what he said. Bucky stared at the door to the second room in the house, and he shook his head.

If there was one person he truly wanted to make amends with, it was you. After all, you were on his list of names.

- - - - - - - - - -

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[starglow-xx]

retrouvaille

nakajima atsushi x f!reader

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: hurt comfort, fluff

warning! : mentions of abuse

type of work: one-shot

synopsis: he left the orphanage, and that meant he had to leave you too; fortunately, this time, it seems like the universe was on your side

a/n: this is kinda self indulgent bc ive been feeling kinda down lately...?? and this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now and i havent posted in a while so killing three birds w/ one stone ig

the word retrouvaille is a french noun...

The moment you stepped foot into the armed detective agency, heterochromia eyes met your (e/c) ones.

You notice several agents talking and walking over to assist you, but you drown them out only having focus on the gray haired male ten feet away from you.

Said male takes a small step forward with uncertainty and disbelief laced in his voice.

“(y-y/n)...?” 

At the sound of your name, your eyes immediately begin to water and with pure relief in your voice, you softly sob his name; the name of the boy who comforted you when you were both still in that wretched place.

“Atsushi...”

With all hesitation gone, Atsushi runs over to you shoving through his surprised and confused coworkers and wraps his arms tightly around you.

The force of the hug causes the both of you to stumble and harshly crash to the ground beneath you.

But the two of you didn’t care.

In his arms was a person Atsushi thought he’d never be able to see again.

In his arms was the same girl who snuck him food from the kitchens, the girl who stole medical supplies from the infirmary to treat his wounds, to take care of him when he was sick, and the girl who received punishment after punishment for insisting on staying with him inside his damn cell.

You gave him happiness in place where he should’ve never been able to receive it.

As if he ever felt like he deserved it in the first place.

You’re too good for him, but yet you still chose him.

You, his sweet and kind, his so very kind, and so very beautiful girlfriend, chose him, the cursed, good for nothing orphan.

The orphanage staff treated you considerably better before the two of you were acquainted, so Atsushi knew he was the problem. That he was the reason why tears would fall onto your beautiful face, why bruises and scars would litter your arms and legs, and why the staff would call you awful, degrading nicknames about you and or your virtue.

He had always thought that he wasn’t good for you, that he didn’t deserve you, that you could do better, but you stayed by his side regardless of his fears and insecurities, and provided him the strength and comfort he had always been deprived of.

And to his very surprise, he found that you found your own strength and comfort in him.

So he knew that you must of cried for weeks after he was kicked out, that you must’ve been devastated to wake up one morning only to learn that he was gone without a trace.

There wasn’t a single day that he never thought of you.

Atsushi wanted to go back for you, he really did; he wanted to storm into the orphanage with members of the armed detective agency, his new family, right at his tail before eventually reuniting with you.

But he didn’t do that.

Ultimately, he chose to leave you out of the mess that came with his job knowing that you would be eventually targeted and used against him if anyone found out about what he had with you.

So he kept quiet.

No mafioso, government agent, foreign organization, nor agency member had a clue about your connection with him, much less your existence.

He told himself that when things have calmed down by a considerable amount, he would go back and get you, with or without the agency backing him up.

Unfortunately, he knew that time of peace was far from the present.

But to see you, in your beautiful glory, standing at the threshold of the agency? 

His original plan to keep you away from Yokohoma flew out the damn window. 

At the sight of you, his heart did backflips and his legs almost gave out. 

Ignoring the jelly feeling in his legs and the loud pounding of his heart, he raced around the desks and his coworkers—nearly fully crashing into Dazai in the process—to once more engulf you into his arms.

As for you?

When you saw him, you felt like you were going to pass out.

Your legs grew weak, your entire body was shaking, and tears started to fall down your face.

He was here.

He was safe and he was alive.

You mourned his abrupt disappearance from the orphanage and spent most of your time worrying about his well being.

The staff thought you were pathetic, that you sulked and cried over someone who they thought should disappear off the face of the earth.

They could insult and beat you all you want, but you drew the line when it came to Atsushi.

Finally having enough of everything, you planned your escape.

You were patient; you never jumped the gun nor gave anything away. You planned everything to the very last, minute detail, and after a few more months of abuse and waiting, you put your plan into action and left in the dead of night.

Thankfully, a kind old couple took you after you had collapsed in the streets. You worked job after job after job to return everything they had spent on your behalf even after they had told you not to worry about it.

And after another few weeks, you finally caught wind of your lost boyfriend tracking him down to Yokohoma through an old newspaper article.

Knowing your boyfriend, and yourself, you knew that tears would easily escape both of your eyes due to the long duration of your separation, but you weren’t expecting to find yourself crashing onto the floors of the armed detective agency curtesy of Atsushi. 

But, you wouldn’t have it any other way because in your arms was the boy who gave you comfort during the most darkest days in the orphanage, the boy who laid you in his lap or on his stomach stroking your hair so you would fall asleep, and the boy who often threw himself in front of you so you would remain unharmed.

You choked on your sobs as you tightened your own hold on him and they gradually grew louder as you buried your face into the shoulder of his white button up.

Through his own choked sobs and teary eyes, Atsushi gently maneuvered the two of you so that you would be lying on his stomach—a familiar position the two of you would lay in back in the orphanage.

He gently stroked his fingers through your hair and softly rubbed your back as he whispered the familiar sweet nothings into your ears.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay...”

“I’m here, just let it all out..”

Overwhelmed with your emotions, his sweet words only started to make you cry more.

You’ve missed him so much.

Your tears easily soaked his both his shirt and his neck, and you tried to speak only for you to choke up. Atsushi simply just started to shush you—as you would to a baby—and placed a kiss to your forehead as he continued to comfortingly stroke your hair and rub your back.

With the both of you off into your own little world, a world consisting only of the two of you, reactions and looks from the Armed Detective Agency went unnoticed.

It didn’t take long for them to realize the kind of relationship you and Atsushi had.

But what surprised them was Atsushi’s behavior.

The young adult they knew tended to be unsure of everything, including himself, and stammered whenever he was nervous.

But the young adult currently in front of them had this new aura of maturity; he didn’t hesitate to touch you or to comfort you, and for the first time they’ve seen in a while, he was sure of himself; he wasn’t nervous at all.

With the amount of comfortability Atsushi had around you, and the tender, loving care he showered you in, it was clear that you certainly were someone special to their tiger.

Your sobs slowly turned to small hiccups, and Atsushi’s face turned to one of pure tranquility and content, having his lover back in his arms.

Although having calmed down, what Atsushi said to you next made you want to start bawling all over again.

“I’m sorry I left you, and I promise I didn’t forget about you,” he whispered softly, “I thought of you every day. I still do. The thought of being able to see you again is what kept me going.”

You buried yourself further into his shoulder as you gripped his white button up in your hands.

“And thanks to the armed detective agency, I’m stronger now. I won’t let anybody hurt you, not anymore. That, I promise you.”

Actually taking a look up from you, Atsushi ended up locking eyes with Dazai, who had a gentle look on his face.

His senior only closed his eyes, tilted his head down softly, and lightly chuckled before opening his brown eyes once more, giving Atsushi a look of approval.

The gray haired teen’s eyes widened slightly as he looked around the room only to be met with similar looks of approval and gentleness from his seniors and coworkers.

He felt his eyes tear up again, but instead let out a relieved sigh as he tightened his hold on you slightly.

“Hey Atsushi...” you softly murmured.

Equally as soft, he answered, “Yes (y/n)?”

“...I love you...”

Your lover smiled before placing another kiss onto your forehead.

“I love you too (y/n)”

At last, the girl he loved was back in his arms, and the boy you loved was back within your reach.

And neither of you were ever going to let each other go again.

and it means, the joy of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation, a rediscovery

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[script-nef]

So why won’t you realise it '^' | Gojou Satoru

Category: fluff

1.9k words; Movie date [2/6]

Spoilers of Howl’s Moving Castle!! Beware!!

← Previous chapter | Masterlist

“Eh, Shouko! What do you mean you can’t make it?”

“I mean, another person is about to come in and they need me to heal them. By the time I’m done the movie will be finished.” Shouko’s voice over the phone is laced with annoyance and sadness coupled with lethargy. You don’t know how she pulls off such a unique combination of emotions but she somehow accomplishes it every time. “And I was looking forward to it…”

This would have been the first time you had a break with her since the trip to France. And while she enjoyed it a lot, the same couldn’t be said for the two males. Which was weird since Gojou is infatuated with sweets and Ken-chan agreed to come. So it was kind of weird when there was a tense atmosphere between them. You know your brother and Gojou are nearly polar opposites, but their animosity wasn’t usually that strong. 

They brushed it off as nothing when you asked if something was wrong, which was sort of dubious since you could kind of see the black cloud looming over the both of them, but you let it go. If it was something important, they would be able to handle it themselves or report it to you. You couldn’t sense any cursed spirits nearby so you guessed that they were just in a bad mood for some reason.

Still, you had a wonderful time and found some new snacks that everyone enjoyed. So a day well spent, all in all. 

And Ken-chan told you to tell him if Gojou ever offers overseas trips or anything similar, so he must have enjoyed it. Maybe you can ask Gojou to take all of you to Denmark one day.

“Ah… my dear Howl. Life and curses separate us again.” Her voice is full of sadness now, no doubt mourning over her chance of watching her favourite character on a huge screen with surround sound disappearing. 

“It’s okay! I’ll bring you the figurine and we can watch it again here in about… uh…”

“Ten years?” She sounds like she’s about to drop dead.

“Uh… yes… But maybe five years? Hopefully? You know, I shouldn’t watch it without you. I’ll come back to school.” 

“No, no. Watch the movie. At least you’ll get to see it. Ah, they’re coming now so I have to go.”

“Ah, okay. Bye, Shouko! Stay positive!”

A non-committal sigh accompanies a small “Bye” before the call clicks off. A frown takes over your face at the lost opportunity for her. She was looking forward to this for a long time and you leapt at the chance for another girls’ day out. Being able to watch a childhood favourite is an added bonus. But now you’re standing in the movie theatre, the ticket desk just across the room and an extra on your hand. 

It’s a shame because it cost quite a lot. Shouko is definitely going to mope about this when you get back and maybe start smoking again. She always has a pack on her even if she said she quit, and smokes one if she’s stressed or angry. You should call someone and make sure somebody takes it away from her.

You should probably hold onto the ticket and give it back. Or maybe that would make it worse for her, serving as a reminder of this day. Conflict rages inside your head. There’s a high possibility of either decision breaking her heart. Again. A buzz from your phone saves you the trouble of deciding.

Shouko: I sent someone as my replacement. 

A tap on the shoulder makes you turn as you type in a reply and you come face to face with a black jacket. Gojou’s head pops down.

“Hey there. I think you called for a replacement!” He seems to be in a ridiculously good mood, even more so than usual. Maybe his students successfully finished another mission. Which is great. It also means more paperwork for you. Which is not so great.

“How did you com—ah. Teleportation.”

“Ding ding ding! Correct!” He's been using the skill more frequently lately, popping in and out of places like one of those Whac-A-Mole games. . It gives you heart attacks all the time and you’re sure he gets a kick out of it. You saw how his smiles widen when you flinch or react. Thankfully it’s when you’re alone so other people never see you jump what feels like a metre into the air.

“Do you want popcorn?” He breaks you out of your thoughts. “I think they have the new caramel flavour. Apparently it’s way too sweet.” So perfect for Gojou. Even though he’s asking if you want it, there’s a spring in his step which definitely means he’s getting some. Probably the biggest option they have.

And you’re proven right because he comes back with two huge buckets which look impossible to finish. When you try to object, he cuts off with “I’ve eaten three buckets before. Alone.” With the smile he’s giving you, it really doesn’t sound like he’s joking. You try to take one to lighten the load but he says it’s alright. 

He signals the way to the theatre rooms with his head, walking beside you as you find your way.

“So what’s the movie?” Your head snaps to him in confusion.

“You don’t know?” A shake and a shrug. “It’s Howl’s Moving Castle. This was Shouko’s idea since she loves it and this year is Studio Ghibli’s 40 year anniversary. The cinema is having an exclusive showing of their movies this month. Only one session per movie, for some reason. Surely they would make more money if they played it over multiple days, but. I dunno. Executives make weird decisions.” A light scoff from him to tell he knows exactly what that’s like. His hatred for the higher-ups runs deep. You don’t push it.

“So she wanted to come but got held back at the last minute?”

“Yeah. Ah, here are our seats.”

You’re placed in the very middle of the room and you both make yourselves comfortable. Shouko went all out for this movie, upgrading the seats and making it a recliner. Your poor back, abused after sitting in chairs and hunched over computers for so long, practically melts into the plush cushion. It’s so comfortable that you might fall asleep in it if it isn’t Howl that’s about to start. 

Feet dangling in the air, you look over to Gojou to see him on his phone. It looks like he’s in a chatroom and you catch the words ‘Shouko’ and ‘favour’ before looking away. You didn’t mean to peek, but it’s not like you can consciously not read something. It was in your line of sight and you averted your eyes as soon as you realised what you were reading. Your brother brought you up better than to pry into other people’s businesses, even if it’s really, really tempting.

“Phones need to be placed on silent, you know.” The ads are coming on the screen. He smiles at you, slipping it into his pocket.

“Just talking to Shouko. She says she hasn’t even started properly.”

Disappointment fills you. Gojou is a good friend to watch this with but you hoped Shouko would somehow miraculously finish in time. She would be devastated.

“I’ll have to make this up to her when we get back. Give her the figurine and keep her hap—ah! I forgot! Gojou, I was supposed to ask someone to take her ciga—” He cuts you off with a light pat on your hand.  

“Don’t worry, I did it already. All of them are safe out of her reach and I gave her packets of hot chocolate instead. When we get back, she’ll have drunk at least half of them and be in a good mood.” What a Gojou-like replacement. He smiles like a child wanting pats on the head for a job well done. You just barely catch yourself from moving. 

Gojou gets a rep for being aloof and neglectful, but he does take care of the people he holds dear to him. His friends, members of the school, his students. You hope you’re included in the list. 

Actually, the more you think about it, the more you realise he’s different from initial perceptions. You learn more and more about him as time goes on, in the most delightful sense. He’s somewhat like an onion, new characteristics being revealed every time a layer is peeled. A snicker escapes at the thought of Gojou dressed up like an onion, just waddling around. He shoots you a questioning head tilt which you wave off.

In the years that you’ve known him, he made himself into a trustworthy friend. One full of laughs and ridiculousness. Maybe it’s his childishness that puts you at ease, but he’s incredibly comfortable and easy to relax around. Thoughts trail and the words fly out of your mouth before you even think.

“You know, I think you would make a wonderful boyfriend.”

He freezes completely, like somebody’s zapped him in place. You stare at him, wondering what’s wrong, but the lights dim and by the time he gathers coherence, your concentration is on the opening sequence.

“Ah, that was so good! Ugh, I love Howl. Isn’t he so cool?” You skip out of the room, remembering to take the figurines provided at the exit, with Gojou trailing behind you. “You know how she asks him to wait for her in the past? The first thing he says to her in the movie is ‘I’ve been looking everywhere for you.’ He searched for her the entire time! This is modern poetry. This.” 

“Do you think Howl would be a good boyfriend?” The question stops you. It’s different than usual for some reason, the voice asking the question and the intensity of it. He’s still his aloof self, all smiles and grins, but there’s something you can’t quite place that’s wrong. It’s unnerving, but you diligently answer his question.

“Um, I mean, yeah? Look at how cute he is with Sophie. See?” The figurine is a frozen shot of Howl and Sophie dancing in the rain with an umbrella that’s not being useful at all. They’re both incredibly detailed, so much so that you can see their clothes and skin drenching wet. Wow, this is actually a phenomenal job. Shouko will be so happy. It makes your heart lighter knowing that at least something might light up her day. 

“Why is he cool?” Gojou seems to be invested in Howl. It confuses you since he just watched the movie with you and he saw how awesome Howl is. 

“Hm, well for one he can do magic.” He opens his mouth but you shush him with a finger to his lips. “Yeah, I know, what we have is kind of like magic too. But theirs is just… different. He just makes it seem kind of elegant. And he overcame his fear just for Sophie. Remember the scene with Sulliman and in the cluttered bedroom? He still found the strength to protect her even though he was so scared before. It’s admirable. I guess I like strong guys.”

“Hmm~” His tone is contemplative. “You know I’m stronger than him, right?”

A question mark forms over your head. He’s being really weird today. “Yeah? You’re the strongest in the universe, silly. What’s up with you?” Gojou just chuckles and ruffles your head.

“Nothing, nothing. Just making sure you know.” He slings his arm around your shoulder, the intensity gone and the light spring in his step back. “Who else do you think is strong?”

Next chapter →

[raindownforme]

Hiii!! Your fanfics are soo amazing! Can you write one where the reader is new to a school and kind of shy but Ted takes notice of her and they become friends and/or date??? Thank youuu <3

Essay

Ted Nivison x reader [she/her used]

I’m sorry this came out so late! I totally blanked! I really hope you enjoy it!

———

“Open your books please.” y/n sifted through the pages of her paperback library book. “For today we’ll be working in partners. Your assignment is to communicate the importance of your book to an assigned partner—No you don’t get to pick. You’ve been assigned based on similarities to the two books. So to start…”

y/n sat silently in her seat. Her classmates began mooning around the classroom, sorting themselves with their partners, but she didn’t know anybody. y/n had only joined the school a week prior, leaving her little time to get meet anybody. Thankfully her English book was easy. The assignment had been to read a children’s novel and write an essay. It was an assignment she could perfectly do herself, so she didn’t understand why the English teacher was having her do partner work.

“Hey you’re y/n, right?” An incredibly tall high schooler stood over the desk. “I’m Ted.”

“H-Hi. Uh- book?”

“My book?” Ted took the seat next to her, setting his backpack on the dark carpet and his notebooks on the desktop. “I’m reading Bridge to Terabithia. Well, re-reading. I think most of these books I’ve already read.”

She looked down at the book in her hands. “I-I guess that makes sense for this book.”

“What do you-? Orbiting Jupiter? Oh yeah I read that a few years ago.”

“I don’t think I’ve read it before.”

“It’s good, it’s just sad.” Ted opened his spiral notebook, flipping in a few pages. “So, similarities?”

“R-right. Uhm. I’m about halfway through it, but it’s about the kid who’s family fosters Joseph.”

“Yeah. Have you read Bridge to Terabithia before?” She nodded her head, watching as Ted’s fingers fiddled with his pen. “So we both know she dies. Oh but you haven’t finished your book.”

“Y-Yeah. Uh. They said I could finish it this week but-“

“No don’t worry about it. Just tell me when you finish it.” Ted smiled sweetly, poking at the book that sat on y/n’s desk. “I want to know what you think.”

———

y/n furiously shut her book, resting her head in hands. She waited a moment, before going back to finish the last two pages. The book was devastating, but she’d be damned if it wasn’t good.

As she closed the book for the last time, she heard the library door open. Looking up, she saw Ted standing at the front desk of the library. He said something to the librarian, placing a book on the desk and turning around. He met eyes with y/n, smiling widely as he wade his way over.

“Hey! How’s the book?” Ted stood over her still, smiling downwards to her.

“I-It— Joseph—? I l-like it.”

“Good! I’ll see you in class tomorrow then?” y/n nodded to the boy and he walked away, leaving the library all together. She turned back to her work, burying her burning face in her hands. She wasn’t sure what it was but something about her sudden project partner made her loose and social skill she already had.

———

“Today we’ll be working in partners again. I’ll be up here if you have any questions but I expect your essays by next week.” The teacher shuffled some papers as they sat down. y/n waited expectantly, rearranging her pencils, but Ted didn’t come. She flipped through the pages of her notebooks tapping at the desk with a mechanical pencil nervously. She didn’t know anyone else, it wasn’t like she could ask where Ted was.

“Hey sorry.” Ted rushed over to the desk next to her, setting his bag on the table. “I was in the office. But how far are you?”

“D-Done!”

“Oh sick!” Ted threw open his notebook, looking for a page. “Okay tell me all your thoughts. Joseph, Jupiter, all of it.”

Ted stared at her, smiling as he gestured to the book. She blinked, trying to gather words. “Well- I- J-Joseph-“

“Hey. It’s okay.” Ted reached over and set a hand near hers in a comforting manner. y/n looked downwards, trying to hide the heat rising to her face. “Are you nervous?”

“I-I just— I don’t know-“

“It’s okay. I know the book.” Ted smiled sweetly, taking his hand back to reach into a pencil bag. “We’ve got this.”

———

A week later, y/n sat at her desk staring at the perfect grade she got on her essay. Everyone in the class around her was chatting while packing up their bags. Spring break was in five minutes, and she’d still done absolutely nothing but this English essay before then.

“How’s the reading?” Ted slid into the free desk space he usually sat in, resting nothing but his arms on the flat surface.

“Good.” She’d gotten more confident in talking to Ted. “I got a good grade.”

“Nice.” Ted smiled, looking down as he cuddled with his fingers. “Any plans for the break?”

“No. I didn’t really meet anyone yet and all I have are my parents so.” y/n shrugged, folding up the essay in her notebook.

“Well, here.” Ted handed her a note card with a phone number written on it. “You met me.”

“You want to hang out with me?” She pulled out her phone, already entering the number.

“I mean, yeah. I really like you and I like talking to you.” Ted smiled at her, blushing lightly. “What do you think?”

“Absolutely!” The bell rang and y/n watched Ted stand up, toss his bag over his shoulder, and extend a hand out to her.

“Come on. Let me walk you out.”

y/n stood up and took Ted’s hand in hers as they walked from the school.