#thank you vladi for your services

[63-cedes]

[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

August 25, 2020

FOOD FIGHT IN COTTONWOOD HEIGHTS

You know things are getting weird when protests and melees in sleepy, suburban Cottonwood Heights make the news almost as often as Portland, where Millennials were beaten and gassed by Trump's secret militia. The starring roles in the Cottonwood Heights Food-Fight-turned-Family-Feud go to City Councilwoman Tali Bruce as the wronged heroin and Police Chief Robby Russo as the Darth Vader of the villainous police. The curtain goes up Aug. 2 when Tali and a small group of honkies march (walk) against police brutality in a residential neighborhood. Before you can say, “Roll the cameras,” a dozen police cars zip in and cops jump out and shoot stun guns and let fly with pepper spray and wrastle with surprised white people. Eight suburbanites are arrested. Tali is hit in the throat and then charged with interfering with an arrest, a class-B misdemeanor. And then she is sued by Chief Russo for defamation (details remain sketchy but she may have called him a Dipshit). Meanwhile, Tali suggests at City Council that the P.D. be disbanded. Since then she says she's been bullied by Russo and alleges cops follow her with lights on, yell at her and park their patrol cars in front of her house. Stay tuned for the next episode of As The World and Cottonwood Heights Turns, brought to you by Mace Brand Triple Action pepper spray for when you really need to burn their eyes out.

WHY TRUMP ADMIRES PUTIN

1- Putin's former staffers don't write “tell-all” books about what an idiot he is.

2- Russian hackers helped Trump win the 2016 election and they aren't done yet.

3- Vladimir doesn't have to pay hush money to his mistresses.

4- Russia doesn't own that dirty Puerto Rico and all its poor people.

5- Putin shoots journalists he doesn't like.

6- The Russian strongman changed the constitution to remain in power.

7- Putin doesn't have to eat lunch with all those snooty NATO allies.

8- Vladimir doesn't have to mess with the mail to get reelected.

9- Putin gets to poison his political opponents.

10- And Vlady can get Moscow “golden showers” any time he wants.

SERIAL KILLER, SLC PROTESTERS: SAME PUNISHMENT?

Want to teach people a lesson ? Well, you could scare the bejesus out of them by pressing first-degree felony charges that could land them in prison for life. This, of course, is the tale of eight activists who pissed off the Salt Lake County D.A. by spreading red paint on 400 South and splashing it on his office building in protest of the police shooting of a young Latino man. You can imagine the exchange in prison: “Q: Hey, what're in for? A: Spreading red paint. Q: Don't mess with me, man.” As it happens, the so-called “Golden State Killer” was sentenced to life in prison last week. Joseph James DeAngelo killed at least 13 women and raped 50 others in a decades-long rampage. And that, Judge Judy fans, puts in perspective exactly what D.A. Sim Gill was dishing out. Fortunately, former judge Dane Nolan took over the prosecution and Friday reduced the charges to 3rd-degree felonies. That still could send them to the cooler for five to 15 years and leave them with a felony record for life. What adds to the disconnect here is that the protest in Salt Lake City was like Romper Room compared to the upheavals in other U.S. cities. Justice is blind, right? And maybe deaf and dumb, too.

Post script — Well cadets and cadetettes, there sure seem to be a lot of hoaxes out there. There's the coronavirus hoax perpetrated by the Democrats. There's the Post Office  hoax, perpetrated by Democrats.The Climate Change hoax perpetrated by Democrats. And there's the granddaddy of them all — the hoax that the Trump Campaign colluded with Russia. Even our esteemed Congressman Christ Stuart, who worships at the Temple of Trump, said, Gee, no one knows what to believe any more. Well, gee, Chris, we just can't imagine why that is. Sorry, but this is going to come as a shock to people like Chris Stuart and California Rep. Devin Nunes, whose House Intelligence Committee found no collusion but a Deep State conspiracy to topple the president. REALITY TIME: The Senate Intelligence Committee, chaired by Republican Sen. Richard Burr, found collusion aplenty in its recently published report. “Paul Manafort's presence on the Campaign and proximity to Trump created opportunities for Russian intelligence services to exert influence over, and acquire confidential information on, the Trump Campaign,” the report says. Further, it says Trump spoke directly to Roger Stone about WikiLeaks and the hacked Hillary Clinton emails to be dumped on the day after the Access Hollywood tapes caught Trump on a hot mic bragging about sexually assaulting women. The report goes on for 966 pages detailing nefarious deeds that toe the line of conspiracy. But it's old news now and apparently no longer matters. So few people are aware of it that Republican congressmen continue to call it a hoax without being called out. And so it goes.

OK, Wilson, what do you and the guys in the band have that will help steady the Good Ship Smart Bomb and our faithful readers so we can sail away from Crazyville:

Wooden ships on the water very free and easy Easy, you know the way it's supposed to be Silver people on the shoreline let us be Talkin' 'bout very free and easy

Go take your sister then by the hand Lead her away from this foreign land Far away where we might laugh again We are leaving, you don't need us...

(Wooden Ships — Crosby Stills & Nash)

PPS — During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source Salt Lake City Weekly at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

[coasttickets]

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Returns to Angel Stadium

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. craned his neck over a crowd of reporters and gazed at the Angel Stadium batter’s box. For six summers as a child, he tagged along with his father, Vladimir Sr. Now he had arrived in the visitors’ dugout as a 20-year-old wunderkind with the Toronto Blue Jays.

“I used to stay right behind the cage and watch everyone,” Guerrero said through his interpreter, Hector Lebron. “That way, I could pick up something from them.

In his first round of batting practice, Guerrero sprayed line drives with ease. His power can be frightening; during spring training, he doubled off the wall while holding the bat with only one hand. He offered a more obvious display of his strength with the second swing of his second round, cranking a screamer into the left-field seats. Half a dozen red-clad fans scrambled for the souvenir.

The second stop on Guerrero’s tour of the major leagues, which began with an entire nation’s worth of hoopla last weekend in Toronto, served as a sort of homecoming. Guerrero returned to the ballpark where his father spent more than half a decade. Guerrero went 0 for 2 with two walks in his fourth big league outing.

Guerrero Sr. was not in attendance Tuesday. He watched from a box at Rogers Centre over the weekend but declined to make the trip to Anaheim. Guerrero indicated in a statement that he did not want to distract from his son’s career, as “it is his moment, not mine, and I respect it wholeheartedly. I thank God for the many memories that I shared with Vladi Jr. while in Anaheim. I’ll always be there for him in spirit and in all support.”

The ballpark still opened its arms to Guerrero Jr. He recognized the clubhouse attendants. He caught up with longtime Angels broadcaster Jose Mota for a pregame interview. Guerrero embraced and bumped fists with Albert Pujols during batting practice. The crowd showered Guerrero with applause before he struck out in his first at-bat against Griffin Canning.

“I feel very good about this,” Guerrero said. “But all I want to do is work hard and help my team to win.”

Guerrero began the season as the consensus top prospect in the sport. His performance merited a call-up last September, but the Blue Jays declined to promote him. He suffered an oblique injury this spring that kept him off the opening-day roster, and permitted Toronto to delay his free agency until 2025. The service-time commotion obscured the excitement of his eventual promotion.

Toronto bench coach Dave Hudgens spent four seasons as the hitting coach of the Houston Astros. He witnessed the growing pains of top prospects like Carlos Correa and George Springer. Their talents were prodigious, but they needed to adapt to the contours of big league competition. He expected a similar path for Guerrero, who hit .381 with 20 home runs and a 1.073 on-base-plus-slugging percentage in the minors last season.

“He’s going to be fun to watch,” Hudgens said. “I’m looking forward to watching him, that’s for sure.”

In time, Hudgens explained, Guerrero would learn that big league pitchers do not make mistakes like pitchers do in the Eastern League. Guerrero shrugged when asked before the game about how he might adapt.

“Basically,” Guerrero said, “I don’t make adjustments. I just see the ball and I hit it. If it’s a good pitch, I will swing at it.”

In that moment, Guerrero echoed his father. Tim Salmon played with Vladimir Sr. from 2004 to 2006. Salmon recalled his teammate being coy about his approach.

“He always downplayed it, he would always say ‘See the ball, hit the ball,’” Salmon said. “But if you watched him every day, you saw Vladdy had a fantastic mind for hitting. He set guys up.”

Guerrero Jr. may not possess the hand-eye coordination of his father, few humans do, but he wields an elevated level of maturity at the plate. Hudgens described him as “pretty advanced.” Toronto manager Charlie Montoyo credited Guerrero for his commitment to patience, which Guerrero displayed with a sixth-inning walk against Cam Bedrosian.

“That’s the good thing about Vladdy,” Montoyo said. “For being 20 years old, he doesn’t mind taking a walk.”

On Tuesday, Guerrero could not top the heights of his first weekend. Against Oakland on Friday, he hit a leadoff double in the ninth inning of his debut. Toronto removed him for a pinch-runner, who scored the winning run three batters later. His teammates drenched him in a celebratory — in theory — bath of beer, chocolate milk and shaving cream.

Guerrero tried to ignite a similar rally Tuesday. He took a leadoff walk against closer Hansel Robles. Into the game came a pinch-runner — who was promptly out when Rowdy Tellez grounded into a double play.

So there were no heroics in Guerrero’s homecoming. But Toronto’s manager expected plenty in his future.

“How does he do it? I don’t know,” Montoyo said. “He’s special.”

Catch the final game this season at Angel Stadium with  Vlad, Jr. and the Blue Jays tonight.  Score your tickets by calling us at 562-595-6510 or going to our website at www.coasttickets.com .

[thran-duils]

This Was You (Beauty, Reputation, & Wealth, P10)

Title: This Was You Pairing: Reader/AU!Castiel, Reader/OOC Summary: AU Castiel is part of the mob but also endowed with magic (based off of Grisha by Leigh Bardugo. So y’all, he still has his “grace”!). The reader is employed in a brothel and of course, his favorite. But, she starts to develop feelings for another… Words: 2,535 Warnings: Language, Angst Author’s Note: Part of this in [[ ]] is verbatim (or close to) from Salem.

Part 9 || Part 11 || Masterpost  || Fanfic masterpost

Castiel had poured the three of them a drink from the bottle and they were lounging off to the side in the billiard room. Calista was thankful, enjoying the aged scotch. She had finished the glass Castiel had poured and Castiel had more than happy to give her another drink.

He was quite the entertainer and you liked that about him. He knew how to get along with people and he made it seem effortless to get Calista to laugh and engage in conversation.

His hand landed on your leg and he requested, “Would you go find me something to eat?”

Placing your glass down on the table, you nodded. “Yes. Anything in particular?”

“Just something light. Take your time. I would like to talk to Calista about something private.”

This caught you off guard and you eyed him curiously.

“Go on,” Calista coaxed you and you shot her a confused look before getting up slowly and walking off. You tossed a look over your shoulder and found both of them with their eyes trained on you. Something didn’t feel right but you continued on, looking forward again.

<> <> <>

Sighing, Calista said, “I should have known that there were strings attached to this very fine scotch.”

“Don’t be silly. The bottle is yours regardless of how the conversation goes.”

Calista eyed him up and down before asking, “What are you really here for?” She swirled her drink around lazily.

Relaxing back against the couch, Castiel rested his foot on his opposite knee, regarding Calista. He cut to the point. [[“My purpose is a proposition. A business arrangement of sorts.”

“I’m listening,” Calista said, leaning back in her chair as well, following his lead. “Y/N?”

“Tell me the sum of Y/N’s most fruitful week’s bounty and I shall provide double in perpetuity.” Calista rose her eyebrows and Castiel’s face remained neutral, all business.

“For?”

“Exclusivity.”]]

The corners of Calista’s mouth twitched and she couldn’t hold back the amused smile that crossed her face. “My lord,” she intoned before taking a long drag on her cigarette. “You know the women and men at this brothel are under contract and are in debt to me.” She eyed him curiously before questioning, “You wouldn’t just buy her outright?”

Castiel’s eyes narrowed slightly, looking in thought.

(gif)

He said, “She has friends here. She considers them family – she considers you family. If I were to ‘buy her’, she wouldn’t be able to stay here, would she? You would want someone who was still bringing in money for you.” Calista acknowledged this and Castiel continued, “How unfair would it be to put her in a flat all alone where she would have nothing to do other than wait for me to come around? Seems like a breeding ground for debauchery.” He added the last part with a tight smirk, noticing the amused expression on Calista’s face regarding his mention of debauchery. They were in the middle of the brothel ironically. “Furthermore, I’ll be more reassured that the agreement is kept up since you’ll be here to keep an eye on her and make sure of the exclusivity.”

Inhaling again, Calista kept her eyes on Castiel. A silence fell between the two of them as she contemplated what he was proposing. She picked up her drink and took a swig. “I’m going to guess you haven’t spoken to her? Considering you didn’t want her in the room.”

“No, I have not.”

Calista chewed on her bottom lip for a second before saying, “I would recommend it. She has… another she is quite attached to.” Castiel did his best to not stiffen at this and Calista watched him closely before adding, “Although, I’m sure you know that…”

Giving her a tight-lipped smile, Castiel said, “Too well.”

“That the motivation for this decision?” Castiel’s expression gave her enough answer and she sighed. “Y/N might not like it.”

“Then I won’t pursue it.”

“And if I insisted on you pursing it?”

“For business purposes? It would be a lot of extra money.”

“Exactly.”

“I would have to decline.”

“That surprises me,” Calista admitted. “Considering the boy isn’t married and he’s head over heels for her. He’s not poor either, Lord Novak.” She met his gaze and asked bravely, “What if he was to propose to me the same offer?”

Castiel ground his teeth, already knowing that the answer to that was that Oliver would never have the opportunity to do that. But he was not going to admit that he knew that.

Clearing his throat, Castiel replied, “I suppose I would have to live with it if Y/N took him up on the offer just as he would have to live with it if she takes me up on mine.”

Something was pushing Calista to tease him when she gave him a mischievous smile, “I find it hard to believe you would just let it go that easily.”

“Never said it would be easy.”

Another pause. “Will you give me a couple nights to think about it?” Castiel gave a curt nod in response. “My thanks. I will give you an answer in a few days.”

Castiel knew damn well the answer would be yes for a multitude of reasons, mainly the money but also the fact that Calista feared his reaction if she were to refuse him this.

Finishing off his drink, he smacked his lips and Calista did the same, sealing an agreement for now. Castiel leaned over and topped her off again. There was a light dancing in Calista’s eye as she watched him.

“You know I have a business to run, Lord Novak. I cannot accept anymore for now. But, believe me when I say that I’ll enjoy it later.” She pushed the glass back towards him. “Give it to Y/N when she comes back. Loosen her up a bit.” She poured him a bit more before standing up and straightening out her robe. “Would you also wait until I have made my decision on the matter to speak to her? Don’t want her to be getting riled up for nothing.”

“Of course,” Castiel responded.

With that, Calista left him and he picked up his glass taking a sip.

<> <> <>

Calista passed you coming out of the kitchen and grabbed your arm, stopping you. You met her eyes and she was looking you over with care. Furrowing your brow, you asked, “What is it, mistress?”

It took her a few moments to answer. “He’s had a bit to drink in a small amount of time. Just… treat him well. He’s quite fond of you, darling.”

She gave you a light kiss on the cheek before continuing on her way past you. You were confused by the encounter. You were always good to him.

Castiel was waiting where you left him and he looked up at you, smiling brightly at you. You placed the plate down in front of him and took off the cover, revealing crab cakes and a small salad. Sitting forward, Castiel picked up the fork and took a few bites before gesturing at your glass of scotch. You politely took it as he continued eating.

Something had changed while you were gone. You just didn’t know what.

<> <> <>

Castiel sunk into the pew, Lisandra on his arm. His eyes trained on the back of Vladimir’s head in the front row, his wife, Anna, sobbing into a handkerchief. It was not an open casket, his wife had not allowed it. Still, the casket was at the front of the room and despite his satisfaction at his

“I could not imagine losing Aleksander,” Lisandra mumbled, turning her eyes away from her, tears forming in her eyes. Castiel looked over at her, surprised she was showing this emotion in public. She was usually private, repressed.

Reaching over, he squeezed her hand. “I will never let that happen.” He spoke with conviction, enough to cause Lisandra to stop crying and look at him, something soft in her eyes. She squeezed his hand back.

The service was not long but it was touching. Castiel and Lisandra waited for the family to pass by before getting up and following the procession out of the church. They mingled, discussing the shortness of life and what a tragedy it was.

Lisandra approached Vladimir and Anna, Castiel in tow. Lisandra gave her condolences, Castiel as well. Lisandra squeezed Anna’s hands, holding her tight, the tears coming in again. Castiel placed a reassuring hand on her back.

He couldn’t help but notice that Vladimir was watching him with a scalding look. Castiel met his gaze, looking at him curiously.

“Castiel,” Vladimir stated and gestured away from the ladies. He touched Anna’s arm and said, “I will be back, love.” She gave a tearful nod before turning her eyes back to Lisandra.

Following Vladimir away from the women, Castiel cleared his throat and faced him. Vladimir did not beat around the bush.

“This was you. Wasn’t it?”

Castiel cocked his head and studied him for a moment before stating, “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

“Don’t fuck with me, Castiel.”

Stepping closer, Castiel noticed Vladimir physically flinch, obviously intimidated by Castiel. “Vladimir, I am sorry for your loss. I truly am. I can’t imagine what it means to lose a child and I hope I never have to. But, you’re acting like a lunatic, pardon the phrase. Oliver and I were interested in the same woman, that’s true.” His face hardened and he added forcefully, “But if you come at me, accusing me of murdering your son – in front of my wife for that matter and even more especially, in public – I am not going to react well.”

Vladimir did not break eye contact, which impressed Castiel. “The timing is quite… curious, Castiel. That’s all.”

“I can assure you I was not in Ravka. You know my feelings on the country.”

There seemed to be something else Vladimir wanted to say but he was losing the wind in his sails. He had seemed so angry and built up moments before but Castiel had stolen the wind right out of his sails. Perhaps Vladimir had seen through his cloud of grief long enough to realize who he was talking to.

Vladimir’s Adams apple bobbed quickly before he exhaled, “I am sorry for lashing out at you.”

Castiel glared at him for a few more moments. “I understand.”

“Thank you for coming, my lord,” Vladimir said curtly. “My wife and I appreciate the good thoughts.”

He left Castiel, moving back towards his wife’s side and Castiel did the same. Lisandra shot him an expectant look but it went ignored by Castiel and he said his condolences to Anna once more before throwing a glare at Vladimir, who looked uncomfortable. Castiel linked arms with Lisandra and pulled her away.

<> <> <>

“You are beautiful,” a voice sounded from behind you.

You turned around, away from the stand you were looking at in the square. Victoria was next to you and before you had turned, you had saw the corners of her mouth twitch in amusement of you being approached in broad daylight in the middle of the shopping square.

There was a gentleman standing there, looking to be in his fifties. He was dressed fine: coat, cane, and top hat finished. There was something familiar about him but you couldn’t put your finger on it.

Giving him a small, polite smile, you said, “Thank you, sir. May I help you?”

The gentleman’s eyes ran over you again but there was nothing lewd about it and it threw you off a little bit. Despite the fact you were wearing a full black bustle skirt and a long sleeved, white shirt, your black waist cincher still accentuated your curves and like the other girls you were out with, men had been staring at the group of you all day.

He seemed lost in thought before he told you, “No. I… I just wanted to meet you and see you in person.”

You tilted your head a bit in confusion at his statement. Victoria was looking at the pair of you fully now, confused and curious as well.

Deciding to play coy, you smiled, “I was unaware I had a reputation that people would come to see me.”

There was a small, sad smile on the man’s face when he met your eyes again. “Don’t be modest. I’m sure you had many suitors. Oliver surely wasn’t the only boy or man infatuated with you.”

Your blood ran cold at the mention of Oliver’s name. Suddenly, you realized why the man looked familiar to you. It was Oliver’s father. You were at loss for words and he most certainly noticed.

“I apologize for coming to you like this. I just wanted to see if it was worth for him. And…” his eyes ran over you again before he added, “If I had been him, I wouldn’t have been able to leave either.”

Stammering, you said, “Master Petrov, I-I don’t know what –”

“He’s dead.”

Your breath caught in your chest. “What?” you breathed out. Victoria had grabbed your arm, giving you support in case your knees buckled out from underneath you. There was no need for that. You were too much in shock to feel anything remotely close to passing out.

Master Petrov’s eyes were burning through you. “I’m surprised you are this concerned. It is… comforting to me that at least Oliver wasn’t putting himself in harm’s way for merely sex. There seemed to be a mutual affection between the two of you.” Your mouth gaped open like a fish, tears pricking your eyes. He seemed unmoved by your emotion. He picked up your hand and you let him. He kissed your gloved hand before giving it a squeeze. “I am sorry to have dropped that on you so unexpectedly. I had planned how I was going to handle this. But upon seeing you, I forgot it all. Curse of beauty I suppose.”

He let your hand fall and there was a moment pause before he stated, “I will let you get back to your shopping. I promise I will call on you properly if I ever have the itch to come see you again.” He turned his eyes on Victoria before saying, “Ma’am.” And with that he turned on his heel and left the pair of you standing there.

You let out a ragged breath and Victoria immediately pulled you into her arms.

“Oh, Y/N. That was awful of him to do to you!” She whispered to you, sounding angry. “How dare he!”

Nothing came out of your mouth and you just held her close, letting the tears fall. “Dear me, come on. Let’s go back home. You’re going to ruin your makeup. Can you walk properly? Or should I go get Sam to help?” By now, you were crying fully and hiccupping. “Shh. Get yourself together. Come on.”

A couple of the other girls had noticed and the shop owner whose stand you were standing out front of had come around.

“Miss? Can I help?” he asked.

“I just want to go home!” you sobbed into Victoria’s shoulder.

~~~

Castiel Tags: @prince-halfblood, @splendidcas, @klaineaholic, @letsthedogpackandthecats, @alexastacio, @winchesterforever12 @seirensou  @tacos-and-trenchcoats @the-amaranthine @greenappleeyes

[cksmart-world]

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

by Christopher Smart

Sept. 10, 2019

IF YOU WATCH FOX NATIONAL NEWS

& TO RUSSIA WITH LOVE

If you got all your news from Fox News Channel, you'd know that North Korea's Kim Jung Un is a nice, sensitive fellow with great hair.

If you only watched Fox, you'd know that white supremacists are just good people who like to burn the occasional cross now and then.

If you only watched Fox, you'd know we are winning the trade war with China and farmers are just loving it.

If you only watched Hannity and company, you'd know that the Saudi Crown Prince didn't chop up Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi and feed him to the fishes.

If you only watched Tucker Carlson and the gang, you'd wear a T shirt that said, “I'd Rather Be A Russian Than A Democrat.”

If you only watched Fox and Friends, you'd think that ripping children from their mother's arms and putting them in cages on the southern border was actually a lot of fun for them.

If you only watched Fox, you'd wonder what all the fuss was about when U. S. Air Force transports refuel at Trump's Turnberry Golf Club in Scotland. It's only taxpayer money.

If you watched Fox you'd know that Vice President Pence had to stay at Trump's Golf Club & Hotel in Doonbeg, Ireland when he had meetings in Dublin, 180 miles away because there is no other place to stay in Ireland.

And if you watched Fox News you'd know that everyone is lying to you except Trump. He never lies.

MOSCOW MIKE: TO RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Thank god for Utah Sen. Mike Lee. He's in Russia smoothing stuff over with Donald Trump's BFF Vladimir Putin. Some people are down on Vlady for invading Ukraine and annexing Crimea with his shirt off. But Trump says he's a cool guy and would like to go golfing with him if the Russians would stay at one of Trump's golf course hotels. Lookit,Vlady said that Russia didn't interfere with the 2016 election. So who should the president of the United States believe, his good friend Vlady or those career stooges at the CIA, the NSA and military intelligence. No contest. And really, as Moscow Mike says, it's so unfair to keep all those horrible sanctions on Russia that Obama slapped on them after the 2014 Crimea grab. And by the way, Mike says Donald was right — no collusion between the Ruskies and Trump's campaign. Just ignore the criminal indictments and guilty pleas from Trump insiders Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, George Papadopoulos, Michael Cohen and Roger Stone. Mike's trip was topped off by a reunion with U.S. Ambassador Jon Huntsman at the LDS Ward in Moscow. Talk about killing two birds without a cyber attack: When Jon returns to Utah, he won't run against Mike. It's so great to know that we'll have Moscow Mike around for a long time to come.

DANGERS OF SEX EDUCATION

Recently, Gayle “Righteous” Ruzicka and her Moral Minions stormed the Utah State School Board to stop teachers from answering student questions about s-e-x. See, here's the argument: If you don't tell kids about sex, they won't do it. Why Utah has a high rate of virgin pregnancies, we're not sure. But as the Moral Minions point out, Neanderthals didn't have sex ed and that worked out pretty well — until they went extinct. The whole sex ed thing caught fire again when students asked their teachers such questions as, can you get pregnant in swimming pools? Well, Wilson is right — it's a trick question. Some people, in fact, have been knocked up in swimming pools — or at least close to them. But you have to do more than go for a swim. Call it the birds and the bees or what the stork brings, but kids are still curious. They want to know things like, can you get pregnant from kissing? Do you have to take all your clothes off? Does it hurt? What if I don't like sex — do I have to do it anyway? If there is “safe sex,” is there “dangerous sex,” too? And how, exactly, is that done? Well, sex ed is a challenge and we can't just pass out copies of Kama Sutra — can we?

POLITICIZING THE WEATHER

Until now, most people didn't realize that President Donald Trump knows a lot about the weather. And when it comes to wind, he's an expert — the Donald knows which way it blows. So when he advised residents of Alabama that Hurricane Dorion was about to hit them, he couldn't be wrong — he never is. But the Fake News media said Trump's hurricane forecast was, in fact, just hot air. The National Weather Service had to issue an UN-warning to Bama. But hold on. The president had a map that clearly showed Dorion was on its way to the heart of Old Dixie. “I'm right. I'm right. I'm right,” he said on TV and Twitter. And that's why the big wigs at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) had to tell those rat bastards at the Weather Service to shut the fuck up. Some people say Trump changed the map with a Sharpie and in so doing politicized the weather — which, of course, is just silly. By the way, Trump is predicting sunny times and no climate change if re-elected. And what do you know, NOAA agrees.

Well, that's it for another death-defying week here at Smart Bomb, where the staff keeps track of Kim and Kanye so you don't have to. And hey, it's football season. Now Americans can focus on something far more serious than whether or not to impeach Trump and the likelihood that he would be replaced by an alien (aka Mike Pence).

Things are getting so crazy that the staff here at Smart Bomb has to take another vacation. After a few beers, we threw a dart at a map and it hit Spain. And hey, it could be worse, we might have been sent to Russia to do a story on the Mormon Church. Luckily, The Salt Lake Tribune's church lady, Peggy Stack, already did that. Imagine telling a would-be Russian convert that he can't drink vodka. But we digress. In España you can drink anything you want. ¡Ahí vamos!

Alright Wilson, rev up the band and take us out with a little tune for the trip: Well I never been to Spain / But I kinda like the music / Say the ladies are insane there / And they sure know how to use it / They don't abuse it / Never gonna lose it / I can't refuse it...