#thank you so much again for loving my art this aesops just for you ;)

[beeholyshit]

"The Moon looks beautiful tonight doesn't It....?"

[heartshapedbubble]

omg i was answering this req and when i saved it to my drafts I COULDN'T EDIT IT??? so i deleted it in hopes to remake it BUT THE ASK WAS GONE fuck you tumblr :(( im so sorry anon you know who you are

aesop carl, qi shiyi and frederick kreiburg w/ a singer s/o hcs⚰️🪈🎼

aesop carl⚰️

...you'd have to do most of the initiation with him. aesop carl is not impolite, not at all, but the crippling anxiety overcoming him makes it hard to go beyond a "hello" or any other introduction. he has a lot of nice things to say to you, romantic even, but during the first couple of months you'll have to basically yank them out of him

aesop is horrible with words, and would rather just hide away and hope you notice how he feels about you. in his eyes, the simple things he does with you - small talk, exchanges of handkerchiefs and drinks by the table, midnight walks when everyone's asleep - are acts of confessing his love. to him, trust equals love, and love equals assistance and communication.

something that he's even more afraid, though, is singing. talking can be quiet, unnoticeable, blending in with everyday noises, but singing is always noticeable. the change of pitch can be caught even by an untrained ear, and the ensuing confrontation, to him, is terrifying.

you fascinate him, a lot. unlike him, you're not afraid to set your voice free, letting it echo through the room and spin around you like a ribbon. kind of like an aura, it attracts passerbys and always leaves them standing in awe, even if it's just for a minute. that kind of confidence is impressive, and he himself finds it rather enchanting.

as you train your voice on the podium, enjoying yourself and twirling around in your flowy robes as if there's nobody around, the last thing that's on your mind right now is a potential secret admirer somewhere nearby. the secret admirer being aesop, of course. he's crouching in one of the loges, partly sick to the stomach because someone might walk in on - or even worse, you may notice - him, partly enjoying your outstanding performance.

qi shiyi🪈

she thinks you two make for a pretty nice duet ;)

you two clash at moments, as she enjoys and is used to the more "formal" arts such as opera and your field of interest is musicals, but overall she's enarmored by your talent and your charisma. jazz, rock, ballad or aria, a strong voice does not go unnoticed.

once she softens up to you, you'll notice just how much she enjoys your voice. as you comb her hair, she asks you to sing something for her. when you two are fast asleep, her head is on your chest, listening to your soft hums as she's lulled to sleep. calls you her songbird as she wraps her arm around your waist and spins you around in your brand new costume.

here and there she'll dust off her old flute and play a nostalgic melody or two. it's even better when enrichened with your singing, and it motivates her to jump back on her feet and do a little three-step as she plays

frederick kreiburg🎼

he's not a wunderkind, but being surrounded by music from a young age he has quite the trained ear. he can quickly differentiate between a powerful mezzosoprano and a rich, dark alto. a lot of insinuations and jokes have been made behind your back about how you two are perfect for each other, but he just rolls his eyes, not bothering with empty gossip.

thanks to the unisolated manor walls, at one point he'll hear some vocal exercises coming from your room

am i losing my mind again? he thinks to himself, looking around in wonder. he stays in the hallway for a little longer, trying to find the source of this haunting voice - and it will take time, oh, indeed, but eventually he'll knock on your door and unintentionally kick off your relationship

as expected, he enjoys playing alongside you. motivating him to crack his knuckles and sit in front of the piano again is hard, but the both of you know your irresistible smile will not leave him any other choice....

mostly picks out german lieder from his collection of sheet music, but of course, adapts to your wishes - something more energetic works great as a warm up

he's the happiest when he performs alongside you on the podium. nothing makes his face light up like when he watches you sing from behind the piano, gesturing towards the audience and slowly dancing to the composition unraveled by his fingers, basking under the golden spotlight.

[aesopsharpmybeloved]

I appreciate your Sharp audio files so much! I have an intimidating queue of fics I want to read, but I am looking forward to reading yours! Thanks for being an amazing member of the Sharpy community!

Thank you!!! 🥹🥹🥹 I love love LOVE your Aesop art, and I i n h a l e d "Healing together " ❤️ I'm very happy my silly little fics and audios are appreciated<333

The fic I'm working on currently is about 75% written and I hope to finish it next week. I wanted to just write PWP at first, but then Plot came and the wip is over 10k 🥹

Thank you once again for your kind words ❤️

[otakusparkle]

Heya! Just wanted to say I appreciate your blog not just for posting updates on IDV but also it's great to see another self insert shipper for IDV! Koutane/Eli OTP uwu

OMG ARE YOU A YUMEJIN (self-shipper) TOO?!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS DAY HAS COOOMMEEEEEE 😭❤❤❤❤❤✨✨✨✨✨✨

Ah sorry

I'm hyping too much 😂

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M SO HAPPY TO MEET ANOTHER YUMEJIN WHO IS ALSO FROM IDV 😭❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

(Btw can we be friends? 👉👈

I would love to have so many yumejin friends of Idv and chatting with them 🥺❤✨)

I actually have quite many Yumejin friends but mostly from Twitter

This is my first time having to meet Yumejin from Tumblr AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM 😭❤❤❤❤❤✨✨✨✨❤✨❤❤❤✨❤ *internally happy screaming*

Oh yea also thank you so much for liking my blog even though most of the time I do is shitposting *coughhornypostingcough* and uploading some shitty art from myself or from commission 🙇‍♂️

Ah also

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or anything but uhhh... Just for information, my yumeship name is Eli/Os since I'm using Japanese settings (???) for it

So Eli is the top while Os (aka myself) is the bottom. In Japanese, Top is first and bottom is second. For example, Eli/Naib and Naib/Eli. If Eli name was in first row, that mean he is the top. But if Eli name was in second row, that mean he is the bottom. Also fyi, Koutane is my family name, while Os is my given name or the name you can call me with. In Japanese, Family name is the first then given name is the second. So my "outside of Japan" name (idk what to call this I'm so sorry 🙇‍♂️💦) is Os Koutane, while my Japanese name is Koutane Os 😳👌

Oh yea, one thing again (sorry I'm talking so much, I'm just so happy 😭), I actually not just having ship with Eli but also with Norton, Naib, and Aesop but yes, Eli is my top main. AND I don't mind sharing, means I'm really okay and happy to meet another Yumejin who also have the same Oshi/Bias/Kin as me 😳❤✨

So yeah

Overall, I'm really grateful and thankful for liking my blog and also I'm so happy to meet another Yumejin in Tumblr and I hope we can be friends too 🥺👉👈

Thank you so much bestie ☺❤✨

[danhenglovebot]

Choose Me Instead

"I don't care if you're just a commoners, you are my muse and I wouldn't trade you for anyone."

Y/N POV

You had taken a liking to a certain seer, Eli Clark who's a kind and calm man. You knew theres no chance he would like you back since he already has a fiance, Gertrude. You knew how much he loves Gertrude and you can't do anything about it. You cant afford yourself to steal someone's fiance because you knew its not the right thing to do, so you gave up.

Ever since you tried to get rid of your feelings, you've been more quiet lately. Everyone are worried about you, even the grumpy Naib or the very distant Aesop are concerned about your quietness. You haven't been the cheerful person they knew. They tried to comfort you about it and asked what happened, but you just smiled at them. Little did you know there's a certain man that has been watching you.

You sighed as you closed your door room, going to the dining hall to check if there's a snack. Suddenly you heard someone greets you from behind, you turned around and see Eli waving his hand at you. You grew nervous and hesitantly waved back. Eli ran to you while smiling, you had the urged to cry but holds it anyway.

Eli smiles, "Hey Y/N! Do you want to go to the dining hall with me? " He offered.

You opened your mouth but nothing came out of your mouth. You stiffened, don't know whether you should accept or decline his offer. Before you could say anything, someone stood behind you.

"Y/N are unavailable today, they agreed to let me paint them. Now if you excuse us, we have a meeting to attend right now. " A certain voice talked behind you. You could only think one person that would mention something about art, Edgar Valden.

You didn't know much about Edgar, he's always in his room painting and rarely come out. You felt his presence auras are intimidating so you can't bring yourself to approach him. There this one time where you invite him to have a tea together, he declined with the reason you are just a mere peasant like the others and you have nothing to do with art.

You felt him grasping your wrist and dragging you away from Eli. Eli just stood there mouth opened but he quickly regain his composure and smiled while waving at me. I waved back and my eyes went to Edgar, he didn't look back at me instead he just dragged me to his room.

He stopped at his door and let go of my wrist. I figured that he saw my nervous face and decide to help me. I distance myself away from him since we stood pretty close to each other.

"Um thank you for your help Edgar, I'll be going now." You smiled and start to walk away.

Before you could leave, Edgar pulls you to his room. Your eyes widened while gasping to the sudden psychical contact. Edgar closes his door and crossed his arm while looking at me. He sighed while my face is full of confusion, didn't know why he let me go inside his room. His room is pretty messy, full of canvas and lots of paintbrush. A canvas is on the easel, there are two stools in front and behind of the easel.

"What are you waiting for? I'm not going to wait here all day. " Edgar stated coldly.

"Ah, what am I supposed to do? " You asked while he sighed again.

"Sit on the stool idiot, I told you haven't I? You agreed to let me paint you"

"But I never agreed o-" You stopped not continuing since his face is full of irritation now.

"You should be grateful I agree to paint you, I usually won't paint any commoners like you. " Edgar bluntly stated.

You laughed awkwardly and sat on the stool. He

sit on his own stool and start to prepare his paintbrush and paint.

It's been an hour ever since he paint you, you felt really tired and hungry but decided to stay silent while he's still working on his painting. After the long awkward silence, he's finally done with the painting. He looked at the painting and there's a little pink dusk spreaded on his cheek, you didn't noticed that and asked him if you can see the final result. Edgar declined saying that he still need to add a few details and leaded you outside his door. You brushed it off and starts to go to the dining hall to grab a snack.

◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Edgar POV

I can't help but keep staring at the painting of Y/N, they look so amazing and gorgeous.. I've been watching over their strange behavior since they are always cheerful but now they're more quiet. I have taken a liking to them, they are the only one who would invite me even thought I always declined their invitation. I sighed and sit on my stool, I know that Y/N likes Eli and there's nothing I could do about it.

It's been 1 month ever since you moved on, you didn't have any romantic feelings toward the seer anymore. Edgar has been hanging out with you ever since that day where he paint you. He still act like himself, arrogant and stubborn. Even so, he tried to be nicer to you while he still act like a jerk to everyone.

You may accidentally taken a liking towards the painter, you decided that one day you would have the courage to confess to him. You're still not ready to confess because you know that he comes from a noble rich family and that you're just a mere seamstress.

A knock interrupted your thoughts and you looked at your door, you got up from your bed and walk towards the door. You opened your door and spotted the brunette painter. Before you could speak, he shoved his painting that he hold in your hands. There's a cloth that covers the canvas and you could feel that there's a paper under the cloth too. He ran back to his room and slam his door.

You were confused by what just happened, you shake off your thought and sit on your bed again. You removed the cloth and saw that it's a painting of you, you were sitting on a flower field while smiling and closing your eyes. You smiled softly and starts to read the note he gave you.

●○●○●○●○

I hope you like the painting I made for you, it took me some time to finish it but regardless it's finished now. Y/N I love you, I don't care if you're just a commoners, you are my muse and I wouldn't trade you for anyone. I know you like Eli but I was hoping you would choose me instead of him. I can treat you better, I would stop being mean to you. Let's talk tomorrow.

-Edgar Valden

●○●○●○●○

Your eyes widened and your face is now completely red. It's a love note from him, he wrote it so simple but it made your heart flutter. You smile brightly and decided that you would answer his confession back tomorrow. You sleep with a soft smile on your face, knowing that your feelings has been returned.

A/N: Hi! yes I will make the Edgar ff highschool au but it will took time since I'm still trying to figure out a good plot.

[strawberry-writings]

Painter Edgar Valden headcanons

A/N: Hello i’m back after the longest break ever! To the person who I couldn’t finish and release the Aesop and Luca NSFW headcanons and the reader was a soft dom i don‘t really know what that is and i got so much school work to do! so i hope headcanons for Edgar would make up for it! And once again i’m very sorry!

Painter Edgar Valden headcanons

~ He is deeply inlove with his artworks, he just sees them like his artworks is the most beautiful thing in the world.

~ Edgar is very quiet around new people he always get the worst feeling from them, but it sometimes isn’t like that. He rarely feels the most peaceful presence and he would strike a conversation with the person who has the peaceful presence.

~ The reason he came to Oletus manor is because he wanted more inspiration for his artworks, he sees his head as an empty shallow place. But also very peaceful.

~ An artist always needs art inspiration, something that motivates them to continue with their world of artistic beauty.

~ He has a friend in Oletus, the prisoner Luca Balsa. They love talking about different types of arts together. Inventions, Painting, Drawing, and Music. They’re really close to each other. Edgar has never said it out loudly but he loves getting hugged by Luca. It makes him the happiest he has ever been.

~ Edgar seems to be low tempered.

~ He is a cat person! It makes the color red more visible to him. Cats reminds him of himself and his artworks.

~ His personality is seen as quiet,irrational sometimes, rude, civil to certain people, and kind maybe sometimes atleast.

~ If he was in the modern era he would be a digital artist definitely, Edgar could discover so many things.

~ Edgar forgets to eat most of the time, he‘s mostly very focused and concentrated in his works and forgets about everything around him.

~ Edgar’s height is around 5’6-5’8, and his weight is 58-61 kg. Due to him forgetting to eat most of the time he’s thin.

Thank you for reading my headcanons! Also once again i am deeply sorry for not posting for a while! I’ll open my requests again in april i wish you a good day/evening/dawn/dusk/night!

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[sheepyships-archive]

Worth It

Summary: Close to the end of a match at the manor, Reimy is separated from her teammates, one of them being her mercenary boyfriend, Naib, and when she is caught off-guard by an encounter with the hunter, her knight-in-shining armor comes to the rescue to save her. Genre: Crack + fluff, and some angst/comfort, just some simps simping for each other.

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of trauma, selfshipping and a lot of corny/cheesy shit. A/N: A lil drabble/writing thing I wrote when my friends and I were making some angst, and I decided to write some fluff/comfort or whateva to equal out some of the angst I had sent! So I decided to post it here for shits and giggles because I wanna write more and post them. I don’t know who made the art, sorry!!

‘C’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon…’ Reimy mumbles in annoyance under her breath as she typed in the code of the doors, it felt like centuries whenever she would type in the password to open the doors and escape the map, back to the manor. 

She was always a lot better at keeping track of casino chips than she was with remembering the order of a password pad, even if it was relatively simple for plenty of others, she wasn’t a technology kind of person and never was, which ended up being a factor that held her back from being able to help her teammates win the match. 

But, hey, at least she tried, right? She did much better at saving the other survivors from the rocket chairs they had been locked down into, so she was still helpful. 

She cursed a little bit too loudly when her clumsy fingers almost clicked the wrong number, not realizing how loud she was… 

Or taking the time to notice the fact that her heart was beating heavily and a transparent version of it with a purple glow also appear by her chest.... 

Or taking a look around her surroundings to notice the presence of a looming figure behind her, way too tall to be any of the survivors that she had joined the match with. 

When she came back down to earth, she realized that there was a figure behind her and froze when she saw that the shadow that continued to grow taller and taller along the wall in front of her, and for a moment she thought about turning to see which of the hunters had caught her this time. 

But- 

“LOOK OUT!” A familiar voice interrupted in a shout from beside her and the still unknown hunter behind her, distracting both her and the hunter for just a moment to look towards the source of the shout. 

In under a second, she was swooped up off her feet and hoisted up bridal style and into the arms of her savior, who was darting at high speeds in a zigzag motion away from the entrance, and the hunter that had originally had her cornered. 

Reimy lets out a shriek of terror from how fast the person who had saved her was running and clung onto the olive green hooded cloak that the survivor was wearing to avoid falling out of their arms and getting hurt, or caught by the hunter, even though they were far away from the hunter now. 

She took a moment to gaze up at them to see... well what do you know, the other rescuer in the match and her dumb but smart boyfriend, Naib! 

“COULD YOU SCREAM IN MY EAR ANY LOUDER? I’M ABOUT TO GO DEAF HERE!” He asks in a sarcastic tone as he continues to run, using one arm to push himself off one of the closest walls of the enclosed map to activate the acceleration of his elbow pads, helping him speed up as much as he could while carrying Reimy to safety and away from the threat behind them. 

Reimy glares at him and smacks his chest with the top of her hand, relaxing nonetheless in his grasp. “Hey, you could be a little more gentle with me, y’know! I was literally backed into a corner and about to get attacked!” She comments as she wraps her arms around his neck as he continues running through the map with her in his arms. 

She giggled when Naib half-heartedly glared down at her with a raised eyebrow, knowing that he wasn’t actually annoyed with her playful jab. 

“I could’ve just easily gone off without you, left with Helena and Kevin, and beat the round, but nooo! I told them to wait there while I came to save you, and then I’m the one being berated for being a little rough as if I had much of a choice while trying to save you!” He argues playfully with a small pout as he starts to slow down, looking behind him to check for the hunter before turning his gaze back down to Reimy with a lopsided grin.

“Y’know, I think you should reward me for saving you, because I almost risked both of our asses.” Reimy snorts in amusement, leaning up and pecking the stitches near his lip gently, feeling his face heat up. 

“There, ya big baby, is that enough of a reward for you?” She asks as she pokes his bandaged shoulder, looking up at him again and seeing his blushing and flustered face, he grumbles softly and looks to the side, slowly setting Reimy back down onto her feet. 

Reimy just smiles and pats his shoulder, “Thank you for saving me, I thought I was screwed, but I guess my knight in shining armor came just in time!” She teases with a giggle, making Naib chuckle softly and shake his head, but his smile begins to falter. 

“Okay, okay, all jokes aside.. are you alright? You aren’t hurt, are you?” Naib asks once Reimy was safely on her feet again, placing both of his hands on her sides as he was suddenly soft, his grasp was gentle and he had a concerned look on his face. 

Reimy looks up at him in slight confusion before a grin adorned her features, “Who are you, and where did you take the real Naib?” Reimy jokes with a grin, gently bonking him on the head with her closed fist. 

He smiles and huffs through his nose in a laugh as he looks off to the side, a little embarrassed, but a hint of worry was still evident in his eyes. 

She knew why he was so… concerned for her safety, and why he had taken the probably only chance he had in this round to help her. Despite how he looked, or he acted with the tough and stoic persona, he had his own issues, and even opened up to her about his past, and his own trauma, which was part of the reason they became as close as they were. 

Reimy places both hands on his cheeks, pulling his head closer to have him turn his gaze back to her. “I’m here, Naib. You don’t have to worry about losing me, I’m not planning on going anywhere.” Naib closes his eyes with a sigh, his hand moved up to one of her hands that was placed on his cheek and pressed it further into the hand that he had grasped. 

“...You better not tell the others about this, I don’t need any of them on my ass teasing me about it, or threatening me.” 

Reimy laughs as the somber mood was broken by Naib’s statement and her laugh, “It’s true! They’re all soooo shocked that we’re together. That, and you and Aesop are like siblings, so are you and Emily! I don’t need them glaring at me for half a match, oh my god especially if I join a match with both of them..” He complains in a less serious tone than before, dragging out the ‘so’, her laugh only grows more as she buries her face into his chest, her laughter dying down into giggles. 

She uses her hand that Naib wasn’t holding and reaches over, taking his free hand into hers when she pulls back from his shoulder to look up at him, seeing him smiling softly down at her. 

“C’mon, we better get out of here before we actually get beat, whether that’s by the hunter or our teammates.” She whispers to him, looking towards the glowing orange light of the other code pad that led to the other entrance. 

Naib simply followed behind her with a lopsided, loving grin and a firm grip on her hand as she led him to Helena and Kevin, who were still waiting at the entrance, and started up a conversation with the other two survivors as they escaped the map.

Despite the ruckus and shit they got themselves into, they both knew that it was worth it for each other.

[idv-ask-azrael]

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[AH SHIT SO MANY!!! this is gonna be a long one~]

@ask-victor-grantzcampbell for having a hella cute artstyle and a hella cute muse

@seer-is-here cuz “she doesn’t know” but you actually get nostalgia bonus as well cuz I have been silently stalking her blog for more than a year now and she’s a sweetheart

@ask-aesop all the shenanigans and rps were/are so much fun!!! Also I really like your artstyle~

@ask-wu-chang again, rps are funny af and I love mama Xie! Also a pat pat for the smol mun

@askidv-the-seamstress CUZ I DIED WITH EVERY DAMN POST OF ROMANTIC AURIE CAN YOU NOT KILL MY HEART LIKE THAT. Also a pat pat for the mun~

@ask-human-hastur again: NOSTALGIA BONUS!! Also we had some really funny rps~ It’s kind of sad we don’t talk as much anymore.... GOTTA CHANGE THAT!

@snipersiniora for all the fun talk and asks~

@askdancer-identityv MOAR NOSTALGIA BONUS!! Also I love her art and her humour

@askthephotographer for calling out my boi and thus creating one of the best inside jokes in my life

@ask-the-idvsquad CEZ MY BOI, MY SON!!!

@ask-cynical-green-friends cuz her posts make me laugh

@ask-the-idv-astronomer NEOMA IS BABY AND SO IS HER MUN

@idv-ask-intertwined-fates stop changing your blog name so much it is hard to find you hehehehehe... thanks for the cupcakes~ sorry for the bad joke but I had to also thanks for being such a supportive co-admin

@idv-askjacktheripper BIG FAT NOSTALGIA BONUS!! Also a big senpai I liked your Jack so much and I kind of fear I have been a little annoying in my early blog days

@ask-forward just the memes, fun and occasional duplo tiddies

@askhellember really awesome art, nice mun, we haven’t talked much but i get mum friend vibes~

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@stitchedstatic besides being an awesome person they can do epic rps

@ask-mini-hastur TAKE MY HUGS

@askmindseye for the T-pose around Christmas and the good posts for the rest of the year

@idv-askclaudedesaulnier can i just shower you in love? and Claude, too?

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@ask-darkcake-helena It’s dark cake Helena. What do you want more in life? And there is amazing art as well. And a nice mun. What more is there?

@askexorcistaesop idk if you are still alive but your art is awesome!

@dreamers-dust did you think you would get out of here without a tag?? HUH??? I WILL BURRY YOU IN MY LOVE AND YOU CAN RUN FROM ME also Azzy is still waiting for his shirts

@ask-the-best-mechanic the name says it all. She also got nostalgia bonus

@ask-identityv-cowboy is there an end to nostalgia bonus? no. here have some! Also thanks for all the good and funny content you have been supplying me with for more than a year now

@ask-thepuppeteer-idv I will adopt Sabrina and I won’t take no for an answer.

@idv-ask-thebastard EMS COME HERE OR I WILL THROW AZZYS LEGS AT YOU I WILL SMOTHER YOU IN LOVE

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@ask-magnetboi-nortnort YOU MAY BE ON HIATUS BUT YOU CANT ESCAPE ME jk I really appreciate your blog and I am looking forward to the continuation of our rp (that sounded stiffer than expected but my english is not good enough to express it better)

@ask-lucky we haven’t talked much so I can’t really go into detail but know that do more than just appreciate your presence ik i talk weirdly please forgive me

@ that coffin anon and I hope they read this I really had a great time!!

[salavante]

Top 5 favorite band/songs?

I got double tapped for this so I’m gonna do a top 15. I love music and have eclectic tastes, and so I am going to talk a lot. I think I could be asked what my top 100 were and be able to fill it out (it might even be easier). I’m also going to put this under a readmore so it doesn’t stretch anyone’s dashboard. But, if you’re interested in my thoughts, or are looking for some tunes, give it a whirl. Using “I Say Fever” as a header of sorts. 

1. “Desperados Under the Eaves” by Warren Zevon. I first heard it after the end of my first campaign with Jake, and I associate it with Odwain a lot. There is something about it that makes me think of a great, yawning desert opening up in front of me, full of possibility. Someplace I can get lost in. My other favorite songs by Warren Zevon are “Lawyers Guns And Money”, “Veracruz”, “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner” and “Tule’s Blues”. He would’ve been higher on my Artist ranking but the fact is I pretty much just listen to Excitable Boy over and over again.

2.“I Say Fever” by Ramona Falls. I like the rest of Ramona Falls’ musical catalog, but this one stands out as something really unique and special. It has a sort of ominous, melancholy atmosphere, but has a pulse-pounding, frantic chorus. Oh, and the music video is dope. 

3. A Coheed & Cambria song belongs here but it’s very difficult to choose one. I can easily say that they are my favorite band as a whole, and many of their songs are in my regular rotation, but I can’t think of one song specifically that I play over and over again over all the others. Good Apollo I’m A Burning Star IV: From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness is without much question my favorite album, but that’s because I find each song consistently good and that the album as a whole has a really rich, well paced atmosphere. I’m gonna pick more than one song to share a lot, and that’s just gonna be how it is.

“Random Reality Shift” is my favorite song that is acoustic. “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3” and “The Crowing” are my favorites of their older material. The opening chords to In Keeping Secrets give me chills every time. “The Writing Writer” and “Once Upon Your Dead Body” are my favorite from Good Apollo. “Number City”, “Domino the Destitute”, “Ghost” and “Island” (music video is very entertaining) are my favorite of their newer stuff.

4.  “Harvest of Sorrow” / “Mirror Mirror” by Blind Guardian. It’s hard for me to choose my favorite Blind Guardian song, so I’m gonna do a slow one and a fast one. I was first acquainted with “Harvest of Sorrow” as “Mies de dolor”, the spanish version, which I ripped off some website in 2011. And for awhile it was the only Blind Guardian song I had other than Battlefield and The Maid and the Minstrel Knight, and I was only familiar with it in spanish. I went looking through their catalog years later and found it in English, and being able to put words that I could understand to the feeling of melancholy and powerful instrumentals felt like an epiphany. I devoured the rest of their music, which I immediately connected with, and haven’t looked back since. Mirror Mirror is just fast paced and pumping with a very screamable chorus, and also reminds me of Wybjorn. Makes me turn the volume all the way up every time. (my other favorite ones are “Prophecies”, “Twilight of the Gods”, “The Bard’s Song”, which is heartfelt and hopeful, and “Sacred Worlds”)

5. “Skin” by Oingo Boingo, which barely beats out “Just Another Day”, and also “Wild Sex (In The Working Class)” and “No Spill Blood”. Kind of a bummer but in a very cathartic way. A relatable sentiment on a few different levels (mental illness, dysphoria, etc). Sometimes you just need a song that makes you feel sad and introspective, and this is that song. 

6. “Input Source Select” by De Staat. GET YOUR FREAKS OUT, LET’S GO. A song for when you’re on the warpath. Reminds me of the feeling of burning, righteous anger because I had it on when I was powerwalking to go give a guy a piece of my mind. Other favorite songs by them are “Sweat Shop”, “Systematic Lover” and “Witch Doctor”.

7. “A Hazy Shade of Winter” by Simon & Garfunkel. I grew up with a lot of music by these guys, and supposedly Paul Simon’s Graceland album played at my parents’ wedding. But, this one is my favorite song by them. It has a sort of anxiety about impermanence that I gel with a LOT. Also, if I had to pick one song for Odwain, it’d be this one. The Bangles cover is pretty good too. I also like “The Boxer”, “Only Living Boy in New York”, “Cecilia”, “America”. My mom is also fond of “Punky’s Dilemma”, which makes me fond of it. 

8. “Storm Coming” Gnarls Barkley. I said this in a previous post but a lot of the Gnarls Barkley songs really resonate with me as a person who’s, well, got some mental illness problems. It very much reminds me of the frantic ‘up’ periods I go through where I feel like a force of nature. Something thrilling but also kind of unpredictable and overwhelming. (other picks are “ Run (I’m A Natural Disaster”, “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”, “Open Book”, “Just A Thought”, “A Little Better”. “Charity Case” reminds me of a really specific time in my life and it just twists my heart like a rag). The album The Odd Couple is all fantastic.

9. “Ghosst(s)” by Lorn. Dark and moody with resonate, grinding orchestral instrumentals. And the music video is fucking amazing, I highly recommend it. In addition, “Weigh Me Down”, “Diamond”, “The Well”, “ Acid Rain” and “Anvil”.

10.  “Man” by Neko Case. I don’t really know what her intentions were with this song, I don’t really care. It makes my transmasc ass feel good and like I could knock the teeth outta a guy 10 times my size. And I mean I’ve done this with every other band so far, so, other songs I like are “Where Did I Leave That Fire”, “Furnace Room Lullaby”, “Prison Girls”, “Hold On, Hold On”, and “Atomic Number” And “Supermoon”, which she did with KD Lang and Laura Veirs.  

11. “Rabies” by Aesop Rock. Just such a menacing atmosphere to this song, with intense, snappy lyrics.  “It might’ve heard something in the walls / could’ve been voices / could’ve been claws / could’ve been the rebel yell of something more evolved”. Other picks - “TUFF”, “Kirby”, “Rings”, “None Shall Pass”, “Supercell”.

12. “The Shrine / An Argument” by The Fleet Foxes. Folksy, Good n long with a really amazing, swelling transition. Another incredible music video, which had art direction by Stacy Rozich, who is a wonderful illustrator. I like this band a lot in general, other good songs are “Mykonos”, “Grown Ocean”, “Blue Ridge Mountains” and “English House”.

13. “Mistadobalina” by Del The Funkee Homosapien. The Gorillaz were a gateway to me in regards to finding the rest of Del’s music. Mistadobalina remains my favorite, however, and is the catchiest shit in the world, though I also really like his Deltron 3030 stuff - “Mastermind” “3030” and “Time Keeps Slipping”.

14. “Squarehead” by Hello Seahorse. This song is very dear to me, as it reminds me of one of my most favorite people and the stuff we’ve made together. Other songs I like by them are “Tristes”, “Para Mi”, “El Artista” and “Can Let You Go”.

15. “Atomic Bomb” by William Onyeabor (both the Original and the Hot Chip Remix, they’re both good in different ways.) The remix is really smooth and bouncy, but the original is very mellow and has a lot of its own unique character. A lot of his songs are 6-7 minutes long, but have more instrumentals than vocals, making his voice feel precious. I also like “Fantastic Man”, “Body And Soul”, and the Heaven & Hell Remix of “Do You Want A Man”.Thank you for coming with me on this, a ~musical journey~. 

[zaccahrycrookes]

Anxiety: my lifelong companion

"Whenever my telephone buzzes, I see hooded riders setting fire to hundreds" - Aesop Rock

Anxiety is a funny beast, I've always lived with it. As a little kid I can remember being crippled by insane fears, or the feeling of fear. Not attached to a physical situation, just always there to pop up as it pleased. It was always physical, intense symptoms but they only lasted a few hours at a time

As a child I hated sleeping over at friends houses, being away from home I felt insecure and scared. My parents thought it was just separation anxiety, you know a kid learning to feel safe away from home and family. Eventually that shifted, at about ten or eleven years old I was able to stay with friends, or visit relatives alone without breaking down as the sun went down, begging to go home. After that it all went away for some time, and nothing was thought of it. A bad year at school when I was about thirteen manifested in a break down due to anxiety. I didn't know what happened, and my parents didn't either. I would lay awake all night feeling sick, shaking, crying, with dizzying headaches, but suddenly by morning I would be fine. This again lasted a year, passed and allowed me to live again as a 'normal' teenager. By the time I started High School it seemed all those fears, and physical symptoms had passed

My parents had divorced by then and that brought a sense of calm to me. They both seemed happier for it, for a few years I got two enjoy two loving, and happy homes with my younger brother.

Anxiety is a disease, it can happen to anyone. My 'image' of an anxiety sufferer is a pale skinned, kid shut away in their bedroom playing video games and eating fast food. This is an insane concept, because I am one of those people- I am a sufferer of severe anxiety. I've always been active through my life the outdoors in many ways is what has kept me sane. My weekends filled by bikes, skating, rock climbing, hiking and fishing with friends. Somewhere through the years I figured out physical exhaustion was the best remedy for me. Naturally I begun working as a landscaper/ gardener/ labourer etc... as a way to exhaust me, and my mind.

The anxiety somewhere along the line manifested as an intense fear of vomiting, not even getting sick- just vomiting. Not dying, not getting some terrible illness- just vomiting. Over many years I worked with it and managed to gain some control over this fear. I always hated parties for this reason, as a child it was my friends eating to much sugar and vomiting. Then as a teenager it was friends getting drunk, or greening out; and vomiting. This fear again consumed me when I was seventeen; it'd been a good run, a good almost four years of living a pretty normal teenage life. I was partying, drinking, doing drugs, all that fun stuff. I learnt to control my intake, I never get out of control and never over indulged. The first time I got drunk was off a bottle of Vodka by a fire. I was fine, but everyone else was throwing up all over the paddock. After that I decided I would never binge drink, and that curbed the fear at parties, I'd have up to three beers, and know I would be fine. Never mix drinking with other substances. Simple rules that kept me in tact through those teenage years.

At seventeen it all rushed back, all of it. I was feeling sick daily, scared of not sleeping in my own room. Even with people I considered my 'other families' with whom I had spend weeks in their homes. I stopped going to parties, I became a social recluse after the sun went down. I had stopped seeing my father, as our relationship had collapsed; that plus the stress of school work broke me down again. Still every weekend I rode, skated, hiked, climbed, and worked outdoors to save money. Gaining experience in these skills and nurturing my love of the outdoors. I didn't let my anxiety take that away from me. By eighteen I was ok again, this was thanks to my girlfriend at the time. She helped through one of the darkest parts of my life, and single handedly bought me out of

my fear filled world, again able to be social and enjoy the company of others. I met this amazing woman on my eighteenth birthday, at my birthday party. Even then I was running away to hide in my room ever few hours for ten minutes to gather myself. We'll call her Andrea, with her supporting me I begun to live again and we finished school

In those years the shadow of anxiety still snuck back in. I was away with friends for the weekend, staying with one of their older brothers and his family. We arrived late Friday night after a three hour drive. My friends brother was sick, and vomiting. I freaked the fuck out, the next morning I spent chain smoking standing outside in the fresh air where I felt safe. Eventually asking my best friend to drive me back to the closest town, to get a bus back home. I never told them the truth, just made some lame excuse. That shook me, but it didn't stick, I went to Andrea's and by the next day it was gone and I was ok. Small attacks like this happened but I never got stuck in it, managing to shrug it off. I stayed away from big parties, didn't go to many gigs, and essentially avoided all crowded spaces. These always bothered me, I have always lived in quiet areas. The peace of being isolated has been a big part of my life

After school I begun working as a full time as a landscaper, then a handy man, then gardener, then labourer for a house relocation company. I ended working with the relocation company, as the boss fucked me over with payments and let me go for no reason. Even with that, the death of a family member, and a close friend admitted to the hospital psychiatric ward; I held it together. All this time I was feeling great, anxiety seemed like a bad dream left in the past. I worked all year, then travelled Peru with my family, and Europe with Andrea, and our close friend Fay. Andrea and I broke up soon after arriving home, I was worried I would relapse, but I didn't to my surprise. I went through a short stage of depression, but made the move to New Zealand and was feeling better then ever

After six months I returned refreshed back home, anxiety always there but not controlling me anymore. I had power over it, I was in control. The following years I worked in a plant nursery, worked for a Uni as a field (research) assistant in the science department, and studied fine art. Andrea's departure from my life left me spinning, but I came through it free of a breakdown. It wasn't until the stress of my work for the Uni had me slowly degrading back to a bundle of anxiety, the job finished. I moved back in with my family to be closer to the town I grew up in, that's when it hit

Whilst working I had been living with friends, toward the end the anxiety was creeping back but I chose to ignore it, pretending it wasn't there. Things like to much coffee, or a harsh word from a co worker would tip me over the edge into panic. Luckily my work, family, and home environment was filled with loving, calm people who made me feel supported. Toward the end of the job I begun making mistakes, small but noticeable. feeling in over my head, never having studied science I stepped down, and eventually quit. Deciding to move back with my Mum and family, and work once again as a gardener to keep my life simple and stress free

I moved in, and the panic started 24/7. I had been living independent on my own steam, schedule and rules for so long that moving back in with my family shook me. There was always things happening, people everywhere, things to be done, and so much energy constantly around me. It was a drastic change from the relaxed, simple living share house I'd grown used to. Within days I broke down, I awoke one night feeling sick. I thought I was going to throw up, I ran out of my room, toward the bathroom. Suddenly my mind stopped me, and I found myself running outside. The fresh air hit me, instantly I felt a little better. I spent the night pacing the yard in a shaky panic, finally slipping into sleep at about four the next morning. A panic "hang over" the day after feels like you've spent five days on speed and jus starting to come down, your wired yet exhausted at the same time. You crave rest, and quiet; but it never comes. Your body shakes, you can't stay still, but neither can you stand very long. You feel sick, confused, and completely shattered with a body of sore muscles from tension

This continued for months, until I was completely beaten down. I couldn't sleep, eat, work, or function in my "normal" life. I found people's energy so over whelming I was reduced to hiding away in a dark room. I tried every treatment I could find, eventually exhausted after a trip to the ER due to a week of no sleep or eating I was given some Valium, and able to peacefully sleep for the first time in months. That episode had me ending up in a sterile doctors office getting handed a prescription, out of option I had admitted defeat

"Oh, no Valium is addictive. Don't take them at all! Take this SSRI once a day, come back in a month" He said. Under duress he gave me small Benzo prescriptions for 'emergency' situations

That was all the support our 'advanced' medical system had to give, throw some pills at me after five minutes of talking and hope for the best

I begun seeing a psychologist (to look good on my file), and a counsellor (who was more aligned with my belief system). It was late May by then, I'd been unable to work since February and was quickly running out of what I'd saved. Unable to move out, work, or do anything. Most days I was confined to my bed by the fear of having a panic attack or feeling to sick to move. A close friend in New Zealand was experiencing the same journey, I would Skype often, and found great support in each others journeys. I Skyped with a dear friend in Melbourne who also had personal understanding of mental illness, combined their support was unmeasurable

Despite feeling like I was losing all control over body, mind, and soul I made myself pack and board a plane to New Zealand for a month. Then a plane to the US for another month. Then home, while away I kept getting better, and better. By the end of the US trip I was feeling completely myself again, I was hiking, and climbing again, I could eat, and I didn't have a single panic attack. I felt like the person I used to be. The second I arrived home, I was back at square one. Within months I was back on a plane to New Zealand, after selling what ever I could to make money and pay for a flight. There I felt good, I was working again out in gardens, and designing landscaping projects. After a few months it snuck back, and once again I was back at the beginning. Constantly shaking and feeling sick, completely unable to quieten my racing heart, and mind. By now I realised SSRI's are also addictive and coming off them would be another whole battle in itself

This disease is not easy to see from the outside, but I can assure it is as real as a broken arm, heart attack, or cancer. It is debilitating, exhausting, and untreated or cared for can kill

I am now at a loss. Taking pills I don't want, that don't seem to help, and will be a challenge to get off. A medical system that doesn’t really know what they are doing. I become more, and more convinced medical school is no more an expensive sales degree for selling for what ever pill is the flavour of the month/year/decade

I wake up feeling anxious, I eat and have a cup of tea. I go about my day, and check chores off as best I can; depending on how sick or scared I feel. I come home, and begin to panic as the sun sets. By night there is a lump in my throat and a tight knot of tension in my belly. Then I try to sleep, wake and do it all again. The best analogy I've heard is that anxiety is like an ocean it rises, it subsides, there can swells, breaks, or still days. But no matter what, it is there and it is always moving

There is no conclusion to this story, it's still being written, and may be a never ending series for all I know. The best I can hope for is brief escapes and moments where I feel myself again

-Written circa 2018.

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: Awoken

This past week, @professor-maka​ and @sahdah​ stopped in to chat about their work on their 2016 Resbang, Awoken! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: How did your fic change/evolve over time? Any deleted scenes/headcanons you couldn't fit into the fic?

ProMa: Sort of? In that I wasn't exactly sure how far I wanted to take the plot at first, and at one point considered a Medusa appearance but decided I liked flipping the villain expectation too much to fuss with it.

Q: How the frick did you write the songs and stuff?? It was so good and hilarious.

ProMa: Ahhhh I can't music which is why the songs are either poems (only the first, and it's intentionally bad) or I took actual songs and just--modified lyrics in the same meter.

Q: You wrote your own lyrics tho?

ProMa: I did. I carefully plotted to the meter of the original. Or in the case of Ox's first song, just kept a really trite meter.

Q: Gotta ask the obvious question: What made you want to do an Enchanted AU!!

ProMa: It's a really fun movie, and I just felt I could do something fun with it. Though I'll admit there's a heavy Enchanted Forest Chronicles in there, too.

Q: What was the hardest scene to write?

ProMa: Hardest to write was hmmmm... Maka waking up the second time. I got stuck in that section forever.

Q: And which scene did you write first?? Loved the song summons btw. It made me laugh so hard.

ProMa: I wrote it pretty much in order except in a few places where I wrote the song before the scene, so the taxi scene came first. The song summons was so fun to write. I wanted to take that scene from Enchanted and completely flip it on its head.

Q: Proma, I love the running gag with the disembodied music, was that from the AU's or your own detail?

ProMa: Disembodied music was just drawing from the brand of humor in Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Patrick Dempsey's reactions in Enchanted, and the reality of musicals. So basically my take on it, lol.

Q: How early in the process did you figure out that Ox was gonna be the prince? Were you always sure it would be him or did you have to narrow it down?

ProMa: Ox was my prince pretty much from the get go. He just fit what I wanted to do. I was going for the more noble version of Hans from Frozen.

Q: Was there anything weird that you didn't expect to make it into the final cut?

ProMa: The potty humor I definitely wasn't sure I would keep. But I am 14 at heart and kept it.

Q: Alternately, anything you wanted to keep but had to cut?

ProMa: I kind of wanted a Black Star appearance but time and plot arc did not allow. Also Wes was not in the original plan but he happened anyway.

Q: Tell us about the art collab! How did it work for you?

ProMa: They were really enthusiastic and supportive and started throwing ideas out from the get go! 

sahdah: Read voraciously, threw my ideas at Proma. 

ProMa: The poster image sahdah did was so great she worked on it forever! sahdah: Proma was super chill and awesome about things, I'd ask for direction and she gave like dress ideas. It was so much fun! 

ProMa: And rogha's painting was lovely.

Q: What was the hardest thing about that poster image?

sahdah: Ahhh the coloring. I did pen drawing and scanned but I'd just gotten a tablet for digital so working the layers was interesting. I had lots of support from Proma and Aer!

Q: How many drafts did you do before you decided on a final image for the art?

sahdah: Um, it started off with just Maka, and then Ox got added. And then I think Kim was next - this is all on the same page - and I knew Soul in a beanie had to be there. So it just grew. 

ProMa: It grew in the most glorious way possible. Sahdah kept sending me updates and I just [said] YES YES GOOD YES.

Q: I am jealous of how well-behaved this fic was for not having any deleted scenes.

ProMa: AHAHA I'm a weird writer. I delete sometimes, but not often.

Q: SEQUEL?

ProMa: Noooooooo no no no no no. Epilogue is my limit.

Q: What was your favorite scene to write?

ProMa: Either the vermin scene or Maka laying the smackdown on Ox. Both were fun. Maka as badass is always my jam.

Q: Is this a genre you'd want to do again?

ProMa: It was fun, I'd definitely do it again!

Q: Please tell me what inspired the "friendly neighbourhood broctologist" line because I literally laughed at it for 30 straight seconds.

ProMa: B* works in mysterious ways. He always gets my best lines. What inspired it? B* being B*.

[discussion of the rats/roaches scene]

ProMa: That scene is one of the more direct lifts from the film. It's really nasty. Vermin squick me so hard, but vermin summoning is one of the most hilarious things in the film. I HAD to. 

sahdah: Giriko running in fear when he next sees them, lol. 

ProMa: Poor Giriko, he only wanted some loot.

[discussion of how numerous people have not seen Enchanted]

ProMa: It's cute and funny and I did something completely different with the premise because Maka is no Gisselle.

Q: Real question time: Why George Michael?

ProMa: Omg. It was my server name because it was a play on the kiss thing and then I just--had to. Because Wham is awesome and cheesy and it fit.

Q: I'm kinda mad with how it was not awkward or cheesy. How do you put Wham in a story and make it charming?

sahdah: Promagic. 

ProMa: I have no idea. I love Wham, they were my first album. Call it a labor of pure love.

Q: Did you listen/watch anything (besides the obvious) for inspiration?

ProMa: I had a playlist I've been meaning to post: http://8tracks.com/professor-maka/awoken. I'll have to make it not unlisted later lol.

Q: Is it possible for Mr. Proma to do a cover the fic songs?

ProMa: It'd be hilarious but he'd side eye me hard. Very not his genre. Well, maybe the Foo Fighters. :') I would laugh so hard to hear them performed though. Maybe someday someone will perform one and make my life. 

sahdah: Soul singing Pearl Jam in the shower <3 

ProMa: Mr.Proma sent me that song when we were dating, it was a nod to self. 

sahdah: Awwwh, such a good husbando! 

ProMa: Such good husbando. Well, boyfriendu then.

Q: If you had to do it over, would there be anything you'd change?

ProMa: Hmmmmm man I just reread it. I wish I'd edited another round, because I missed some dumb reppy shit and just dumb shit. Also, the ending could be drawn out a bit. So I would do that if I had it to do again. But I was in serious time crunch mode.

Q: I am so impressed with how much fic you can crank out, Proma.

sahdah: Proma cranked out the last bit of the fic in... what was it, like 2 days? 

ProMa: Yeah, the last third was very fast. 

sahdah: I'm like WAIT!!! SO MUCH I NEED TO ART. 

ProMa: Sahdah did her second two pieces in like two days so MASS APPLAUSE. 

sahdah: /head scratch like there was so much good content! 

ProMa: And those pieces are great too.

Q: How does one do that, pull out quality in such a short time?

sahdah: Copious amounts of caffeine and manic cackling with Resbang partners. <3 

ProMa: I write fast under pressure. It's a skill I picked up in school that weirdly translates into creative things. Thank you, undergrad all nighters.

Q: Proma, [in the] epilogue, how does Ox fare with Kim?

ProMa: Omg Ox does not fare with Kim. She is all about dat Jackie. But I mean, he has his kingdom. Even if Spirit gives him constant shit for the rest of his days.

Q: How does Spirit react to maka moving?

ProMa: Spirit is so dejected. I haven't worked it out, but he would definitely seek Maka out. Might even just hand the kingdom to Ox eventually, and go [to the] whole other world. He will visit, that's not even arguable. That omake I will heavily consider. 

Q: Proma, one thing that I was interested to see and that I think I'm glad about is that you didn't do the whole Aesop where Maka has to go back and learn how to break the curse, find happiness in her own world. While I can appreciate that message and I think it has its place, I also think that if people could really do that... there are probably people who would find a place and feel better somewhere other than their "home world." I mean, you could translate the "world" metaphor to people choosing to leave a toxic family of origin, which would be a good thing.

ProMa: Oh yeah, I was never going to go there. This was about Maka shaping her own life on her terms. I was not going for archetypes at alllll. Blair was always my choice for the fairy godmother role. It's so canon anyway. You can do some good things with that trope, it just wasn't the goal. Maka staying in her new life definitely came from the source -- even if a lot of the source is altered beyond recognition. 

sahdah: I also love Maka working to improve herself on her terms. Like the details with the soufflé. 

ProMa: I definitely borrowed some flavor from Wrede.

[more discussion of the vermin scene]

ProMa: That's one of the biggest actual pulls from the movie though -- I flipped it completely. Giselle summons vermin to clean the messy house. Yeah, that is not Maka. Maka just wants her crap back and she's not into the singing thing. 

sahdah: Giriko! The real vermin, lol.

Q: Maka asking animals via Disney princess song to wreck Giriko's shit was one of my favorite things. 

ProMa: It's Maka, she's not gonna sing to clean Soul's house, he can get off his own ass! 

sahdah: Let's be real, he probably has a cleaning service, because of Mother. 

ProMa: His house is spotless, there are maids. (Why a high powered lawyer in Enchanted couldn't hire a maid is beyond me.) 

sahdah: Mc-Procrastinator, not Dreamy. 

ProMa: Mc-raises kid in nasty house. I actually have a soft spot for pet rats, we had them in 3rd grade but an actual in my house rat would make me into a quivering pile of NOPE.

Q: Is it Mc-over? [ implied :( ]

[insert giant chorus of thanks] 

ProMa: You guys asked great questions thank you! It was so much fun, I'm glad others thought so too! 

sahdah: It was my pleasure, I love musicals! 

ProMa: And thanks to my betas here too. Yulie and Sand saved my liiiife.

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

[theunconcernedembalmer]

not rlly an ask or anything but just??? i love how you portray aesop sm aaaaa the size of your BRAIN is HUGEEE and your art is so cute?? thank u sm for all the work you put into this blog it rlly shows

hi every time i hear someone loves my portrayal of aesop i cry a little thank you for the sweet validation kadjgfkagskf OK BUT SERIOUSLY thank you so so much for this message and your support it really means so much ;^;

i think aesop is a super interesting morally flawed and super tragic character and i love him so much so its really heartening to know that im doing him justice because. you know how aesop fans have That Reputation of being annoying fujoshis, and the more i spend time on twitter the more i agree with that... its honestly so hard to find good aesop content when what you get is the severe woobifying/ shipping in the fandom... what have you done to my son...... i dont use twitter anymore btw HAHAHAH i just want to take all of that bs out and really delve into his individual personality properly

but yes thank you so much for this for liking my art and my blog maybe i really do put in too much effort into my stuff sometimes but sometimes i get messages like this n its just really nice. thank you so much again and i hope you’ll enjoy your stay here on my humble blog uwu

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Thank you!! You're very nice!! Just dropping by to say that your blog was one of the first blogs I've come across after playing and I super love you and the embalmer on this blog (everyone's interpretation is good but bastard Aesop is, so good, it made me like him more HAHA), plus your art is super cute!! Again, thank you for the recommendations, have a safe day and make sure to hydrate yourself

Bless you XD thank you so much aaaaaaaaa im so glad you enjoy my bastard and my art and aaaaaa i hope you enjoy your time here!!! and thanks for the reminder I’m actually falling sick right now ahhaha

Have a smol bastard XD

[theunconcernedembalmer]

hhello this is mun of ask cynical green friends and i just (sob) please never stop writinf people cute tags your reblog made my day

Hi!!! Below is a long ramble of how much I love yall even if Aesop doesn’t and everyone knows how much mun talks in the tags and here in general so to avoid the clutter I just hid it all under here. 

Tl;dr: Thank you for supporting my blog and I’m so glad that I’m able to spread the love back around ^^ :3

Is it time for mun to insert herself here HAHAHAH BUT YES thank you so much for visiting my blog. I’ve done ask blogs in the past and most of them died cos ppl stopped caring OOPS but this is the most active and interactive and welcoming fandom I’ve stepped into (or made an ask blog for) and I’m so so glad I did, I got to meet so many wonderful people. 

I MISSED MY POINT OK SO THE POINT IS I’ve been ghosting around for a bit before I made this blog so I actually,,,, knew,,,, and saw a lot of these blogs as SENPAIS (I was going to list a few but it was going to get long because I didn’t want to leave anyone out -which I will lmao there’s so many- and I was going to write a long ass comment for each of them on what I love about their blog asdsjalfdfg ITS GONNA BE WAY TOO LONG BUT KNOW THAT I,, LOVE,,) AND omg I got sidetracked again POINT IS when I see all these familiar urls following this lil blog and liking my lil posts I just,,,, explodinate,,,, senpais have noticed me,,,,,,,,,,, im cri,,,,,,

Ok,,, ok,,, i forgot what i was gonna say,,,, I still can’t believe so many senpais noticed me its overwhelming, and being an awkward shy bean im,, so honoured…. Truly….. Cries… UHHHH OH YA SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO @ask-cynical-green-friends SINCE THEY BE HERE can I just say in case you haven’t realized UR ONE OF MY SENPAIS HAIIIIIII ya ok ((im taking a long and hard guess at who the mun is… squints into the distance… but im normally very bad with guesses so never mind :,,,D)) so like my reblog right,,,,, you know how you see something for what it’s worth and in your head you have like a 5 page essay (or somewhere close) on how incredibly exquisite and captivating it is but when it comes out of your monkey mouth its like Art,,, Gud,,, YA OK THATS HOW I FELT WHEN TYPING IN THE TAGS also i did it during lecture LOL LMAO really there’s a lot I admire your blog for your fun replies and how well you interact with other blogs!! Really though I get the feeling that everyone loves you (AND SO DO I LESS THAN THREE) and its just heartwarming to see all that on your blog. ALSO the art ok I’ve said it before but the art,,, I feel like the brush that you use really helps to define your style (WHICH IS AMAZING BTW NEVER STOP) and I T  S O F T,,, I feel like the brush really brings out the distinctiveness of your style like it’s on the sketchy side, like a very refined single line sketch does it make sense, which I love which I feel makes the shading blend into the drawings very well. The choice of colours,,, add to the softness around the sharper lines that you use. I personally don’t like green but the shades you use,,,, I like,,, and hhhhhhhhhHHHHH MONKEY MOUTH PLS IM TRYING TO EXPRESS MY ADORATION FOR THIS BLOG THAT IVE LURKED ON FOR A WHILE 

I really,,, talk a lot ahahaha,,,, I like how you can see how I got less and less coherent over this readmore HAHAHAH BUT YES OK I love all of yall ok ok

Also since I did this for this lovely and absolutely amazing blog which I love and adore very very much I would also like to do it for other blogs that I’ve probably ghosted and quietly admired (you have no idea how long it took me to find the courage to set up this blog so I was really ghosting all over the fandom here). SO!! Like I said in my tl;dr, drop me a

Again thank you so much for taking time to visit my humble blog and to read all the things I have to say and I really really really am thankful to all of you who helps me keep torturing Aesop this blog alive