#thank you again for all the kindness and support y'all have shown me this year :]

[spaceratprodigy]

oh yeah the new commission post is typed up and will go live sometime in January :]

[14dayswithyou]

I literally have the most amazing and wonderful community in the entire world???? T_T In this essay, I will—

This is going to be raw and unedited because I want to get my initial thoughts out there before I forget n go back to crying /pos, but?? Yawl.... I can't even begin to find the words to express how appreciative and grateful I am for each and every one of you!! ;v;

I've spent the past few hours reading through everyone's personally written messages, then rereading them all again to let it all fully sink in. I'm being genuine when I say that I've never felt this loved or appreciated in any community before in my life.

Those in the Discord server might know about this already, but since the start of this year, I haven't really been enjoying myself (nor have I been as active) in the yandere VN community. There was far too much infighting between devs, parasocial communities, and toxic anons that ruined so much for me — so I withdrew from it all and remained in my own small bubble. Even then, I still got belittled, harassed, doxxed, and even became the target of Tall Poppy Syndrome by others; most of which nearly made me want to leave altogether, but the overflowing amount of support from everyone in the 14DWY community made me want to stay.

And even now, after reading all those heartfelt messages... I think it's permanently solidified the little space I occupy here on the internet :3

So... Yeah, long story short (and a story that will likely end up as its own separate Tumblr post gjskskjd), I wasn't enjoying myself at all in the yandere VN community... but I did have the time of my life in the 14DWY community. And it's all thanks to you guys.

I'm genuinely sooooo proud to have such an endlessly kind, social, and talented community; and I'm glad to have brought such an interactive and friendly group of people together over our shared interest in such a nice concept. 14DWY is essentially a labour of my love — and although I'm ultimately creating it for me and my silly interests — it's still something that I want to make worthy of you guys as well. All the love and support you've shown me and 14DWY motivates me to do my very best, and y'all deserve nothing less. So...

Thank you all for finding a comfort character in my Totally Normal Guy and his Totally Not Eccentric quirks. Thank you for all the insanely talented creations y'all make and share with me. Thank you for sending in your silly (/pos) questions and turning them into inside jokes and AUs for the rest of the community to enjoy. Thank you for talking with me and making this space a genuinely fun place for me to be in again.

From the bottom of my heart; thank you all so much. I really hope everyone has had an amazing year so far, and I hope 2025 will be as kind to you as you all were towards me.

I also want to give a big fat massive huuuuuuuge shout-out to Ashe / @flaneur001 my love (/p) for organising the 14DWY letter event on Discord, and for contributing so much of their time and dedication to the 14DWY community. You say you've only been part of the community for a year, but to me, that was a year well cherished and appreciated. The 14DWY community (and me especially) have all been so lucky to spend this past year with you, and I sincerely hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have. You've done so much for me, the community, and the 14DWY Discord server, so it's only fair that you get the recognition you deserve. So thank you, Ashe!! And a big thank you to everyone in the 14DWY Discord who participated in this event as well!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some cryin and sobbin to do <3 /silly /pos

[cxffecoupx]

✧˖*°࿐ 2024 tumblr wrapped

as this year comes to an end, and we revisit the memories it brought, it's only appropriate that we go through this past year in this account. thankfully, i was tagged by @monamipencil in her tumblr wrapped post, which gave me the motivation to make this post (which i otherwise would have procrastinated on) that gives me the opportunity to share a glance at this year in writing.

before we get into it, i wanna take a moment to thank everyone from the bottomest pit of my little heart: followers; fellow creators who I always look up to; every anon who's sent me an ask, even if it's just to ramble; everyone who's read any of my work and who's shown love to them. what this account is right now, is all because of your support and love. so really, i love you with every single living cell in my body.

for some basic details:

this account was created on may 14 (counting the day of the first post), so it's been 232 days of cxffecoupx!

as of the moment i'm writing this, we have 762 followers — a truly huge family indeed!

i've posted 40 works (crazy to even think about that??)

made 326 posts all together (i do yap a lot).

made a few really good friends...

...and also realised i would like to post even more in the coming year

for someone as inconsistent as me, i sure feel very surprised at the performance this year (you can actually see how low I'd expected of myself lol), and i'm so so grateful to y'all for all your love.

now, for some post specific stats:

again, i've posted 40 works this year.

top fic of 2024 — [11:18 pm]; seungcheol × reader; 2k notes.

longest fic — realising they're in love with you; ot13 × reader; 1.4k words. here for you; joshua × reader; 1.4k words .

personal fav — (you can't make me choose btw my babies >:(!!) what 2 am with them looks like; ot13 × reader. cheol as a girl dad; seungcheol × reader.

top member — seungcheol (very biased, i know).

total word count of 2024 — (idk i need my laptop to check ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ; will update soon tho).

this is all about my writing and works. again, i would like to thank every single one of you who's taken even a little time out to read any of it; i seriously cannot express it enough, i really really mean it.

using this section to dedicate some special thanks and extra love to a few people:

@simpxxstan — no amount of words would be enough to thank you. for all the times you've patiently listened to my rants and silliest ideas. for every time you've approached me to share your own thoughts because that just makes me feel soo loved. for all the times you've supported and encouraged me, not just for all the caratlife related stuff, but also personal problems and struggles. for helping me get through this semester of master's while you were going through it yourself. if i could invent a new word to convey all the gratefulness i have towards you, i'd gladly use that right now.

@seungcheorry — one of the reasons cxffecoupx is what it is today. if it weren't for your support and guidance, i'd still be using my personal account and there would be no cxffecoupx. and although it all started like that, you've only continued to show your kindness by your ongoing support and love, even during difficult times for you. please know that i'll always be here for you to reach out to. always.

@wonuumelody — the first friend i made here. the first person who messaged me to tell me how much she liked my very first post. literally gave me all the more reason to keep posting, because if not for anyone else, then atleast for her. thank you so much for your kind words that day; it still keeps me going.

@ylangelegy — where do i even begin with kae? i found the account through a coincidence and it's been such a rollercoaster ride for me since then. tbh, i look up to them as someone i'd like to use as my guiding light when things get rough. when i feel like the words i write do not look pretty, they're always the first to show me that they are. and that it more than enough at the time for me. my personal cheerleader, know that i'm always at the bleachers, cheering you on too.

@monamipencil — this is such a whiplash for me because this person was someone i used to look up to since the beginning of my cxffecoupx days,,, and then one day she interacted with my posts???? ris starstruck moment fr because i could not believe my eyes. so this will forever remain a core memory for me. truly.

@hearts4hansol — ofc i need to mention my secret santa, the one who kept me so entertained this whole month of december and gifted me something so so special that it'll remain in a part of my mind and heart for as long as cxffecoupx exists. i want to apologise again for all the messages i haven't replied to yet, and also thank you for all the silent support you've given me 'anonymously'.

@mejaemin — my only nct moot here. she has a special place in the neon green section of my heart. i love you so so much.

plus a few other people i'm sure to have left out. please don't feel i've forgotten, because someway or another, i'm grateful for your love and your part in showing support that has given me fuel to keep going on. this also goes to all the anons who've sent in their requests (including those i havent yet responded to; i see them everyday and i will most definitely get to them).

resolutions for next year?

write more — seriously. even though i feel like 40 works for half of the year seemed surprising to me, i do hope to be able to post some good stuff i can feel proud of. it's a bit difficult, but i'll try my best to reach there.

work through the requests and drafts — i have around 10-15 requests in the inbox, and nearly 30-40 little drafts (one-liners mostly, a brief clue about the idea i jotted down earlier). i would LOVE to be able to work through those and finish them up. that would honestly be so satisfying omg.

as a sidenote to the previous two resolutions, i would like to finish winter wonderland — by posting the remaining two drabbles. i know i've been pushing it for too long now, and i hate it as much as you do, honestly. so i would love to get that done first tbvh.

interact more — come across more writing blogs and make more moots. it's always fun to talk to someone (i am like this only on the net). this would also allow me to read more variety of stories and possibly learn something from them.

on a personal note — do well academically, make more friends, (hopefully) find new love, travel and explore more... might add more to this bingo card.

with this, we reach the end of my 2024 tumblr wrapped (ended up a little too long, pardon). thank you so much for this opportunity to let me take a glance back at this year, to learn from my mistakes and do better next time.

(not really tagging anyone because 2024 is almost over now, but if she's up to it, then i'd love to see @simpxxstan do it + anyone else who's interested, (i'm a little nosy and) would love to see it!!)

the time here is 23:45.

signing off as cxffecoupx of 2024.

see you on the other side.

happy new year! i love y'all <3

[maul-of-shame]

Happy New Year You Nerds!!!✨🍷

We’ve made it to 2025, friends!

Another year, another chance to revel in the unparalleled glory of ships, whose tension and unspoken longing fuel our collective chaos. But before we dive headfirst into new fics, fan art, and elaborate theories about whether Elrond ever braided Galadriel’s hair in the First Age (he did, fight me), let’s take a moment to reflect on the whirlwind that was 2024.

Now, let’s not mince words—2024 had its fair share of wargs running amok in the mix. Between the trolls and Nazgûls from That Certain Fandom™️(iykyk) swooping in uninvited like Gollum at a fish market, there were moments that felt like braving the Paths of the Dead armed with nothing but a rusty dagger and questionable optimism. And if you think I won’t indulge in the occasional salty rant about it, you’re as wrong as Boromir thinking he could just "borrow" the One Ring for five minutes. Seriously, some of the drama this year made Geralt’s bathtub scene look downright serene by comparison (yes, I went there).

But despite all the chaos—and trust me, there was enough chaos to make Melkor proud—this year also brought its fair share of bright, shining moments. Like a perfectly timed Igni spell or that rare moment when Gandalf actually explains something without cryptic metaphors, there were pockets of joy that reminded me why this fandom is so special. From stunning fanworks to late-night reblogs that had me cackling like Yennefer after a successful power play, 2024 had its moments of magic.

I’ve been so incredibly lucky to meet some of the most talented, passionate, and downright lovely people here on this little corner of Tumblr. Your art, your fics, your memes—every single one has been like a light in the darkness, more powerful than Galadriel’s phial when Frodo was about to get snacked on by Shelob. From stunning illustrations to stories that made me ugly-cry in the best way, you’ve all created magic that I’ll cherish forever.

This year has shown me how much this fandom is like Rivendell—a refuge where we can come together, share what we love, and let our creativity shine. The support and humor here are unmatched. Whether we’re screaming in the tags, laughing about Elrond being the original “disappointed dad” meme, or waxing poetic about Galadriel’s hair (again, I will never let it go), you’ve made this place feel like home.

And now, here we are, standing on the threshold of a brand-new year. 2025, I’m looking at you, and I have high hopes. I hope this year brings us all the health, rest, and comfort we need after a grueling journey through the land of 2024. May our creativity flow freely, whether it’s a single sentence of a fic or an entire series of masterpieces. May we take the time to rest, to heal, and to let ourselves indulge in the things that make us happiest.

This year, I want us to be as unshakable as Éowyn standing before the Witch-king, as hopeful as Sam at the gates of Mordor, and as unapologetically dramatic as Galadriel’s monologue in Lothlórien.

Let’s create, share, and celebrate without fear. Let’s remember that, in the words of Gandalf, "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." And let’s spend that time wisely—screaming about our favorite elves and eating second breakfast.

To everyone who’s been here this year, thank you. Thank you for your kindness, your brilliance, and your humor. Thank you for making this fandom a joy to be part of. You’ve turned what could have been a simple hobby into something I treasure deeply.❤️

Here’s to 2025—a year of new beginnings, endless possibilities, and more Elrondriel content than my heart (and Tumblr dashboard) can handle. Let’s make it unforgettable, my friends. Now, let’s pour a glass of Rivendell’s finest wine and toast to another year of brilliance, beauty, and maybe a few lovingly chaotic meltdowns over our OTP(s)!

Cheers, love y'all and happy new year you nerds,

Bucky

[captainderyn]

31, 40, 48, and 50 as an optional bonus from the OC asks

Thank you for the asks <3

--

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain waht their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything)

I'm trying to think which of my idiots would be the most tumblr-bound lol out of my current OCs. V would run a helluva shitpost blog. Like you know the Heritage Post level shitposts? That is absolutely something she would be fantastic at. But she'd constantly be night blogging: "V, why are you posting at 3:43am?" "Don't worry about it".

Era, on a completely different note, if she was given the time would have a beautifully formatted, gorgeously aesthetic blog showcasing her paintings, her painting set up, scenes around Dromund Kaas (especially the floral gardens) with everything carefully curated. Theme? Moody pastels. Photosets? Color coordinated.

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

I have SO many fond memories linked to my characters, especially ones I've made since joining tumblr back in...*checks notes* 2016ish as I've really built myself a fantastic community of mutuals that are so supportive, have engaged me with my characters all the more, and created some truly stunning joint worlds. I'll highlight a few that I've stumbled back across while digging through tumblr (though its absolutely NOT an all encompassing list):

The entire Fictober 2019, where I wrote Moments in Time will forever be special to me; it was my first attempt at fictober and the outpouring of love and support and excitement to follow ficlets of Wulfwryn and Raenor (who were NEW) was so inspiring and as we've seen they've become some of my most written characters <3

Emeldir's Traffic Cone Jacket Saga aka the series of in game shenanigans, fics, and prompts that @greyias and I clowned about a few years ago but keep resurfacing every once in awhile :P

Co-writing fics and writing duo fics with mutuals, especially the Idan and Terrance Odessen Reunion that @lumielles and I wrote pair fics for. There's something so beautiful about writing together with friends.

The enabling you all do >:D the Dream Team of Five, Roslynd, and Rhys wouldn't exist if @tiredassmage hadn't encouraged my tomfoolery with pulling Five off the shelf and breathing new life into a character I didn't think I'd feel inspiration for again and that truly is the story with so many of my characters. They wouldn't exist without y'all! Not in the way they currently do.

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure?

Its a pretty solid toss up between Raenor and Tucdela. Hmmm...nah, I'll go with Tucdela because Raenor has his super saucy side which while that DOESNT mean he isn't the most perfect, cinnamon roll, it does mean he's a little less "pure" :P

50. Give me the good ol' OC talk here. Talk about anything you want.

Terrance has been on my mind a lot lately (hence the stumbling back on the fics) and I really really need to talk more about him because not only is his and Idan's dynamic fantastic, but I actually really popped off with him when I created him. The idea of a miraluka who struggles really really hard with using the Force to "see" as he gets overwhelmed extremely easily, especially on high population planets (like Coruscant) or highly Force attuned planets (Tython, Odessen) is something I want to explore more. That, and I need to write more JediSon and JediDad because Idan really comes through and extends a kind hand to a young kid who has not been shown that. The simple things like a cup of tea, or some spare soft fabric for his eye covering. I need an excuse to go wild over Terrance lol

[swatheford]

I haven’t been around in a while is this still being worked on

hi, anon don't worry you haven't missed much- i haven't been around in a while earlier and i think it'd be best if i used this for an update regarding the future of swatheford.

swatheford is on an indefinite hiatus. i still absolutely adore the world and characters, but i've had to put it on the back burner to make room for some exciting projects that i'm working on. i'm forever grateful for the audience and lovely people who have read and shown me so much support so far, y'all are truly appreciated and i can't express my gratitude enough.

i still want to finish swatheford and continue to tell the story but i'm not sure which medium to finish it in. i've been thinking about writing a novel/prose with a fixed MC and RO and see where that takes me! as for my endeavors outside of swatheford, i'm happy to announce that i'm 1/3 done with my first feature length script and i'm in pre-production for a short film i hope to direct next year! all very exciting things but bittersweet as well.

again this isn't the definite end of swatheford at all (the third act is absolutely insane), i unfortunately need to take a step back and devote more time towards other projects but i'll still be around! my asks will be open if you ever want to chime in! thank y'all again for y'alls patience, support, and kind words 🫶

[jumukus]

A3! Translation: Kazunari Miyoshi’s R [Midsummer’s BPM] - DDR Showdown!

Kazunari borrows a DDR console from his friend in order to practice dancing for the upcoming play. (Thanks to @/cIoveries on Twitter for recording the backstage!)

Kazunari: Ta-da! Look at the thing I've borrowed from my friend~! Don't you think we can use this as a practice for our play!?

It's called "Dance Dance Deluxe"! C'mon, guys! Let's play this together!

Tenma: A dance game, huh.

Izumi: I think I've seen this game before. This used to be popular, right?

Kazunari: Yup! But this one is the latest edition that just came out last year! They've got a lot of songs here, you see, so there might be songs that you'll know.

Muku: Wow, really? That sounds fun.

Misumi: I wanna try it~!

Yuki: I'll pass. I don't play one of the dancers, after all. I'll just watch you all.

Kumon: I'm pretty sure this mat here is the controller, right? The one that has arrows on it.

Kazunari: Yep! All you've gotta do is step on the arrows that are shown on the screen!

Misumi: I see~!

Kazunari: Alright, now, let's try playing the intermediate mode first as a test!

Misumi: This is so fun~!

Izumi: You're amazing, Misumi-kun! You make it look so easy.

Yuki: As one would have expected from Triangle Alien. You're really good at things that require jumping. Only at jumping, though.

Kumon: It's pretty hard to match the timing!

Kazunari: Ooh.. oops! I missed!

Muku: Who… whoa! I'm stumbling over my feet…!

Tenma: But it might be good to train your legs with this.

Kumon: Yeah, I agree!

I wanna do it again!

Muku: Kyu-chan, wanna play together?

Kumon: OK! Let's try the two-player mode and decrease the difficulty. Here we go~!

Muku: ~♪~♪

Kumon: ~♪~♪

Kazunari: Wow! Kumopi, Muku, you're doing better than before now! This is so IG worthy so lemme film you guys!

Misumi: You cleared the song! Both of you are good~.

Kumon: We did it!

Kazunari: I'm going next, then!

Say, Director-chan, wanna play together?

Izumi: Huh? Me?

Hmmm, while I do want to do it, this looks difficult. Besides, I feel bad for disturbing your practice…

Kumon: You're not disturbing our practice at all!

Tenma: How about trying it once, then?

Izumi: Hmm, alright. Kazunari-kun, I'll be in your care.

Kazunari: Hooray! I've got to dance with Director-chan!

Since you're still new at this, let's set the difficulty to beginner mode.

Muku: Good luck, Director-san!

Kazunari: ~♪~♪

Izumi: ~♪

Kumon: Wow! Kazu-san, you're awesome! Perfect!

Yuki: You too, Director. You're better than expected.

Misumi: Yep! You're good~!

Izumi: Thank you. I'm still far from good compared to you guys, but I had fun.

Kazunari: Glad to hear that! Let's do it again if we feel like it!

Izumi: Yep, sure.

Tenma: I'll go next.

Misumi: Do it with me~!

Kumon: Fighting, you two!

Kazunari:  ~♪~♪

Banri: Kazunari has been playing that game a lot these days.

Izumi: Yup, he plays it every day.

Kazunari: Phew. Guess I've gotta take a short break!

For some reason I've got so into the game and had so much fun~!

Izumi: And you've been playing the more advanced mode these days, right?

Kazunari: Yeah. I've gotten used to it. I've been playing the hardest mode now.

Banri: Heh. Way to go, man.

Kazunari: I'm so looking forward to the day I'll be able to play the hardest level song flawlessly~.

OPTION 1: Seeing you having fun makes me feel the same.

Izumi: Seeing Kazunari-kun having fun playing the game makes me feel the same.

Kazunari: Hehe, seriously?

I mean, I could play happily like that because I'm wondering if you watch me, Director-chan.

Say, let's play together again, Director-chan!

Izumi: Sure. Shall I have you teach me some tips?

Kazunari: Leave it to me! From A to Z, I'll teach you everything!

OPTION 2: You've also been doing your best in the dance practice for the play.

Izumi: Kazunari-kun has been doing his best both in the game and dance practice for the play.

Kazunari: Totally! I mean, I get so pumped up whenever I dance with them all!

Whether it’s about the game or the play, I'll show you my increasingly cool side!

Izumi: Yeah. I'm looking forward to it.

Banri: By the way, I remember the arcade has this kind of game as well.

Kazunari: For real!? I've never really been to the rhythmic games section at the arcade so I've never noticed it!

Banri: Wanna stop by on our way home tomorrow?

Kazunari: Let's go! I'm so looking forward to it~!

Izumi: Arcade… Now that you mention it, I feel like I have something to do there...

Izumi: Oh, yeah! Kareko-chan!

Banri: Huh? Kareko-chan?

Izumi: It's an adorable curry mascot character.

She's one of the prizes at the crane game, so I want to get it.

Say, can I tag along with you two?

Kazunari: Of course! Let's go together!

Banri: Then, I'll call you once our class is over tomorrow. Let's meet up after that.

Izumi: Okay, got it!

Izumi: Hmm, the crane game is…

Ah, found it! They have Kareko-chan as well!

Kazunari: And there's only one left! You're so lucky, Director-chan!

Banri: Dude, I've never known it's that popular…

Izumi: Alright! I'll try it.

???: Ah, found it! My Kareko-chan!

Izumi: Huh?

Punk: Hey, you chick, move out. I've been keepin’ that one. I just went for a while to exchange the money.

Kazunari: But it doesn't seem like you've been playing here?

Punk: Bullshit! Y’all are just misunderstandin’ it.

Banri: But you said, "Found it!" before.

Punk: I didn't.

Kazunari: We can put our money here, though? One normally would not be able to do it if you've clicked the keep button.

Punk: Ugh… I knew it! Y-Y'all must have un-pressed the button!

Banri: The fuck did you just say? There's no way we'll do that.

Punk: ...Ugh!

If, If that's what you want, let's have a showdown with Kareko-chan doll on the line!

Izumi: (He's pointing out at… "Dance Dance Deluxe"!?)

Banri: Haaah? The heck are ya sayin', shithead? You've just said what you want despite comin’ here later.

Kazunari: Settzer, calm down!

I'll fight you, then.

Banri: Hey, Kazunari, you ain't need to listen to what this bastard sa…

Kazunari: It's fine, man! I'm good at that game, after all! Leave it to me!

Punk: Hah! Just lettin' ya know, I'm one of the top rankers at the DDR competition. Fighting the likes of y’all is just a piece of cake. 

Izumi: (Top rankers!? To think that he's one of the top rankers…)

Punk: For the difficulty, of course it's gotta be the hardest one.

Kazunari: Alright. That's fine with me!

Izumi: Good luck, Kazunari-kun…!

Kazunari: Thankies! I've got so pumped up after receiving your support, Director-chan!

I'll work hard for your sake today.

That's why just sit back and watch today.

Izumi: Okay!

Kazunari: Game starts!

Izumi: Both of them flawlessly cleared the game without any miss! But Kazunari-kun has higher scores…!

Kazunari: In other words, it's my win!

Punk: Fuck…! I'll remember this!

Izumi: You're so awesome, Kazunari-kun! Thanks.

Kazunari: Hehe, you're welcome. I'm happy if you're happy.

Banri: Grats, Kazunari.

Here you go, Director-chan.

Izumi: Huh? Kareko-chan…! When did you…!?

Banri: I went to get it since I was convinced that Kazunari would win.

Kazunari: That's Settzer for ya!

Izumi: Both of you, thank you! I'm so happy.

As a thank you, for today and tomorrow's dinner…

Banri: Nope, I'm good. I did nothing but get the Kareko-chan, after all. You can just give 'em to Kazunari who won the showdown.

Izumi: No need to hold back.

Banri: I'm not.

Izumi: Is that so? Then, I'll make Kazunari-kun's favorite curry as a thank you!

Kazunari: It has to be curry in the end!? Not the one I really want!?

Izumi: Since this is related to Kareko-chan, I want to use all my skills making curry. Is that a no?

Kazunari: ...You have a point. Since today's protagonist is Kareko-chan, of course it's gotta be curry, right!

Izumi: Thank goodness. Shall we shop some groceries before going home?

Banri: What the hell, man? It's curry in the end…

Kazunari: It's fine, dude. Director-chan seems happy, after all.

[heartmeadows]

If I didn't have my creative outlets I'd be so lost. Or rather I'd be more lost. I don't talk here too much about my life anymore. Some of y'all know my battle with mental health, trauma and abuse, addiction, chronic illness and you've been there for me during times I had very little support and help. And honestly I don't think I could've gotten this far if it hadn't been for the kindness, support and acceptance y'all have shown me. It helped me so much in dealing with addiction and getting help. It helped me see myself as a person instead of a worthless junkie like I was told by people irl and that was eye-opening. I have no words to express how grateful I am that you guys helped me understand that I'm more than just my addiction. It helped me change. I'll always be thankful for that. The kindness of y'all makes me want to cry, with happy tears even though I'm not doing good right now. Been crying for hours.

Only once I got an ignorant ask judging me about "ruining my life with drugs" and like, I'm sure it came from the right place but that's not how you help addicts. By the time I knew drug use was destroying me I was in a condition where I couldn't just step out of it and be done. I wanted though and I kept fighting. It's taken years to get to this point and I'm still struggling. But I got better, so much better. Like all that I had thought I'd lost in me came back to me and I reconnected with myself. Things were getting better, you know. Then my mental health turned around again around December and since then I've been barely holding myself together.

I'm just hoping to stay alive and keep myself distracted and not do stupid self destructive things, not hurt myself in any way, just get through each day and make it to another one. I'm lost on what to do anyway beyond that... There's help out there and it was decent but my agoraphobia unfortunately fucked that up cause I couldn't make the appointments anymore and the pressure of the treatment was getting to me. I don't know if I should go to a closed mental ward or if I should just continue with the outpatient program. Those are logical, right things to do. But I can't commit to any sort of treatment for a multitude of reasons. I've tried for years. It's ultimately for me to decide. And regardless I got this far because of myself. I survived my childhood abuse and struggles by myself, you know. There's more to this subject of course and I shouldn't have to deal with these serious issues on my own. But maybe people don't understand getting help isn't magic and that it takes years to get anything that actually helps. I've made more progress on my own than in therapy, etc. Medication has helped but it also came with huge downfalls. Being severely mentally ill is even harder than you'd think.

Despite how much I struggle at the end of the day I know I'm not bad, I'm not a monster, I'm not a useless, worthless being like I've been told by myself and others... I know I have more than "just few more good years left" in me, there's no such thing as women "hitting the wall" as they age. Fuck that and fuck men who only "value" us as long as we look young. But I digress...

I know that there's so much good in me, so much love to give and life yet to live. But I'm so exhausted right now I have nothing to give to others and it's hurting my relationships. But I'm hurting more. I can't be the rock anymore. I need a break from everything but such a thing is a fever dream. Can't escape yourself, you know. I'm rambling...

I won't go into great detail about things here anymore though because it's triggering for others and my whole life experience is a Pandora's box of heavy topics and this is a place for me to escape as I'm sure it's for some of you, too. A lot of it is too much for anyone to handle so I do not want to put that burden on the people who follow me. Especially since I'm sure I have lots of younger people following me. Not that younger people can't experience mental illness and addiction or chronic illness, unfortunately I've seen my share of younger and younger people going through what I'm going through. I know life doesn't treat most of us well.

But my point is I want to keep this space as safe as possible. It is my blog obviously and I don't stress about it. I take hiatuses without even saying I am and I return when I sim again and it works. I'm lucky that so many people enjoy what I post and stay around even when I disappear. I always come back. Been playing since I was about 13 years old and Sims helped me survive and it still does. Occasionally I do post very personal things and some heavy topics will be discussed. I will tag those with trigger warnings! But for the most part I just want to spread some positivity and creativity. Sorry this got so long and rambly! I really needed to get some things off my mind. I hope y'all are alright! Anyone who's also struggling just know that you're not alone. It's not easy, I can't offer my help but I wish I could. I hope y'all stay safe and find joy even in one small thing every day 💕

[talesofpanem]

Summer Storms

Author: @mellarkablegirl

Rating: T (will be M in future)

Summary: An incoming summer storm brings in a host of unexpected faces into Katniss Everdeens life and they are not even a little subtle of the havoc they wreck.

Chapter 1:

“ Cursed! What hocus pocus nonsense have you been reading nowadays Sweetheart ? ” , Haymitch sputtered to a stop when he saw that the grey eyed girls gazed remained riveted to the floor . “ wait you can’t be serious? “That’s the only possible explanation , Mitch ” , she murmured. “ One day he was here and the next he was gone is it like all he others, it’s become a trend in my life , first Papa then Mom and after Prim went to New Zealand last year I thought the trend of people leaving my life would come to an end but then that stupid vermin catcher is it had to up and disappear and now he’s gone Haymitch , just like all the others ” her voice caught at the end and he caught her is it before she collapsed as a sobbing mess onto the hearth . He tried to console her , awkwardly patting her hair and rubbing her back and internally cursed the higher powers .

Would this girl ever catch a break, it seemed like Katniss Everdeen’s life had been one rainshower after another with the occasional thunderstorm dropping by , her Papa , Sage Abernathy had decided the country bumpkin life didn’t suit him anymore and walked away from his family when the girl had been almost 12 . That was first and last time Katniss truly threw a fit , her little bubble had been burst . After that one after another things started going downhill, Evelyn Everdeen the girls mother fell very very ill the winter Katniss turned 14 and died soon after bringing the girls to live with him , their father having washed his hands off the parenting business years ago. He loathed his brother but Haymitch wouldn’t trade the world for his two precious girls . Her life had been looking up , namely because of two bright spots of sunshine a pair of twin blond heads namely , Primrose Everdeen and Peeta Mellark . The pair were notoriously thick friends and confidants even though Peeta was a little older than the two girls he seemed to have adopted the younger Everdeen as a little sister. His feelings for the older Everdeen though were a whole other spectrum . But storm clouds came in quickly and when Peeta up and skipped town for a Uni education in the big city , the girls felt nothing short of abandoned. Last he heard of the boy some freak accident had caused him to lose his foot and an infection had spread quickly after , Haymitch tried and failed to find any news of his funeral thereafter.

What followed was 7 years of normal , dismal routine life in a dreary town that was Twelve Woods. Surpising the girls seemingly had pulled through and were pretty comfortable in the lives they chose to live , Katniss had completely a dosntace course and now ran a ranch and riding school while Prim seemed to have settled into her role as town healer , both of them having wiped out memories of blonde , bakers sons , when just like lightning it was time for another debacle. This one though unlike the others Katniss could have controlled but alas it didnt turn out quite so easy.

Prim pranced in one cold , drafty day ready to split at the seams with happiness. Turns out her kind time boyfriend Vick Hawthorne had finally decided to grow a pair and propose . Though Katniss supported their relationship, what she didn’t support was news that her baby sister would be moving across the world and living a rather isolated life. She argued and taunted and sputtered for days until one fine day Prim couldn’t take it any longer and up and left with little other than a short letter explaining where she was going. Needless to say the sisters inflated egos haven’t let them talk till date. That was 2 years ago and you mught ask what was Haymitch doing all this while. Well he did what any alcoholic , supporting Uncle / Father figure would do . He took a sip of his moonshine and went ahead and consoled the girl and stood by her decision. Honeslty if you think anyone can come between an Everdeen handling a situation, you are very very delusional .

Now he wasn’t a soft soul or anything but Haymitch did think the girl as his daughter and to see her breakdown was difficult for him . “ Shhhh sweetheart , why don’t we look around the ranch for him , I’m sure buttercup is around here somewhere.” Buttercup , was Katnisses only memory of a lot of people . The mangy tabby cat had been a gift to Prim from Peeta of all people and had been the only thing tethering Katniss to reality on the really bad days . And the stupid creature seemed to be having one of those days where he was eluding Katniss. What I’m earth prompted the girl to think that this was all a curse of a which he didn’t know, but the next think she’d be spouting news of Rebirth and the After-life . So when the porch door squeaked and the bell to the front door rang, he thanked whatever power up there had taken pity on him .

He opened the door to greet whoever had braved this weather only to be rendered speechless because standing there were 2 faces one he’d thought he’d see ever again followed by one he’d thought wasn’t interested in ever talking to him because he had taken her elder sisters side. Before him stood Sage and Prim and boy had he started believing in rebirth because , looks wise. The quiet sniffling behind him brought him out of his stupor. He cleared his throat and slammed the front door behind him. He’d be damned if he let any one of them hurt the girl again. “ What are you doing here ?” , he growled “ Haven’t y'all stomped all over her heart enough ? That you’re back for more ?” Prim pushed passed her father and confronted Haymitch , “ We want what’s best for her Mitch, and that’s not in this Podunk town, she needs to understand that she has so much more to offer and that she can be happy , truly happy out there in the big world. She’s got so much potential that she’s wasting staying here and running this ranch . I mean the only reason she stays is the stupid insecurities and you! LET HER GO!! ” at this point her voice had reached a crescendo and the loud slam of the porch door against a banister startled all three out of the argument . With all of the ferocity she could muster, in true Katniss Everdeen fashion she roared, “ Enough ! You …” she said pointing at Prim, “ You don’t get to waltz in here and question my decisions neither do you get to blame Mitch, I made my choice and it neither a sacrifice nor a mistake so you can keep your hoity toity city opinion to yourself and I rather like living in this podunk town with my freedom and sense of identity intact , and as for you ” she said pointing at Haymitch “ I did see why you feel the need to fight my battles for me , I’m doing just fine by myself ” she turned around to storm back inside before she froze and saw her father or the man who was her biological father standing by the porch swing , “ Good day Mr.Abernathy , what brings you to Twelve Woods ?” she asked in aasked in a voice serenely calm it was eerie. Before Sage could say anything she cut him off ,“ If you’ll excuse me I have a lot of things to tend to on the ranch , I’m sure you’ll enjoy your stay at the village lodge , Sae is an excellent host .” With that she pivoted on her heal and stormed off towards the stables with a steely determination set in her eyes .

The two visitors whirled around at Haymitch’s sigh “ Guess she’s made herself very was then , Prim this is till your home and you’re more than welcome to stay , I’m sorry Sage but if Katniss isn’t comfortable around you she’s made herself pretty clear , how long are the two of you staying this time ? ” he asked as he started ascending the stairs to the house . Prim lugged her bags into the foyer and collapsed into the armchair that once used to be her designated spot , Sage stood uncomfortably in the foyer looking around the house that once used to be childhood home but now had so vestiges of his memories. Haymitch glared at the two of them from behind the bar , “ Are the two of y'all going to explain why you are here and what brought on this intervention ? Or is this just a customary visit ?”.Prim was sick to answer but was cut off by Sage , it was the first time the man had spoken since he’d shown face and Haymitch want prepared for the rough gravel of his voice,“ I’m sorry Mitch , this was all my fault, I thought my abandonment and all those following events trapped Kitten in this godforsaken place and I just wanted her to get an out . I met Prim last year , I was on a business trip to New Zealand. I have since apologized and built a relationship with my daughter, we both left home and the only family we knew you because we wanted out , I guess I gave that gene to her ,Evelyn had always been the more grounded one out of the two of us and Kitten definitely takes after her . But I just wanted her to explore and find happiness and I know she’s not happy here. Content. Surviving . Yes but not happy .” Haymitch had been observing Sage the whole while and watched as his brothers shoulders dropped,“ First things first she is no longer your kitten, secondly don’t you think you should have seen her life for a day or heck an hour before you jumped to these conclusions and yes you’re right you leaving did cause a domino effect in her life but she has pulled through and the ranch and her animals are the only place she feels comfortable to be herself and I don’t push her much either ” “ You weren’t here Sage when Eve died, you weren’t here when she lost her best friend, you weren’t here when her little sister up and walked away to * live her life* ,” he said directly a flare at Prim ,“ So no I don’t think your opinion matters , bit I have seen Sweetheart struggle and fight her demons and if you think pulling her out of this corner of the world will do her good , try all you want . But Mark my words , you hurt my girl and I will kill you .” Sage did not miss the tone in his voice or the deadly glint in his eyes and nodded in affirmation. “ Now if you don’t mind I am going to retire to the den , please feel free to make yourself scarce . ” he said in the acerbic way only Haymitch can manage as he flitted out of the main room .

The hours of silence stretched as Prim got settled in , Sage went into town to find accommodation and the sun set. Haymitch got a little gitery as the hours ticked by and there was no sign of Katniss . Sure she should have finished her chores and mopping by now, the area around the ranch wasn’t the most populated and the back end of the property opened into a thick dense wood, and it wants exactly the safest area to be prancing around alone at this hour . The three sharp knocks on the door propelled him forward but his greeting got caught in his throat and he sure as hell believe in Rebirth now, because standing before him was a man who resembled Peeta Mellark so much he could have been an adult version doggleganger and in his arms he held up an unconscious Katniss and a squirming Buttercup. A random flash of lightning and the roll of thunder intimated them of an incoming shower . Guess it was best to prepare for another storm .

[mypinkchapter]

Recovery & Laughs.

One of the biggest ventures in this journey can now be checked off -- surgery!

Disclaimer: my thoughts for this week on the blog won't have any really great insights, but you might have some laughs with me along the way... embarrassing for me to say because I want Jesus to shine above all & this to fully glorify Him, but I also want to be human with those reading these words & for one day when I look back & share this with Elly, so let me fill in some truths from my last week & let you see how cool Jesus was throughout.

Truth #1: I thought in this time of rest & recovery I would fill my moments in the recliner with lots of reading -- reading my Bible, reading my new Lysa TerKeurst book, reading the novel I checked out from my the library that's been at the top of my "to-read" list... but you know what? I haven't read a single page. It makes me laugh honestly because what I pictured as recovery for myself, basically consisting of lots of leisurely & encouraging reading, has actually been filled with me on medication that has made me so groggy that I've napped, napped, & napped some more. Like drool-worthy, crazy dream naps! Just one more reason the Lord has placed some of the best folks in my path, to share scripture & encouragement with me when I haven't had the ability of sorts to do that for myself. Thank you, sweet Lord, for letting those stand in the gap for me these last several days -- to feed me with truths & encouragement of Your love, mercies, & hope.

Truth #2: I've never had surgery before. Wisdom teeth removal doesn't count to medical professionals, just FYI. So, this girl was an amateur! I remember looking at the sweet anesthesiologist & said, "Are you giving me the good stuff?" & that was all she wrote. Out! I was terrified I would wake up & act like those viral videos you see of folks talking out of their minds, but nope... I woke up feeling refreshed & like I'd had a great nap! Obviously there was soreness, but the surgery itself, should anyone ever have to endure the same kind, it's for sure do-able. Thank you, sweet Lord, for every set of hands that played a part in this. You gifted me with probably two of the kindest surgeons/people I've ever met & their nurses have been nothing short of incredible.

Truth #3: I'll leave this one to be only a short story, which I know won't be short because I don't know how to be short, but it's been comical looking back on... so, when surgery wrapped up & the initial recovery for me upstairs was over, rather than heading to a lovely hospital room to be greeted by my precious husband, parents, & Gran, who would tend to my every tiny need & get me whatever snack, drink, or dinner my heart desired from the greater Jonesboro area, I was wheeled to the basement of the hospital. Y'all, the basement. It makes me crack up all over to remember them telling me they were taking me to the basement; here's why -- the hospital was full. The basement was not a bad area by any means, but it was me & well, like 15 other hospital beds with patients all coming out of surgery. Lined up, side by side, no curtains. Just all of us recovering together, some recovering better than others. So, how you wait on a table at a full restaurant, in your order of arrival, I waited for a hospital room. Now let me say, I was wheeled by the waiting room to see my sweet group of cheerleaders really quickly & them to tell me my preliminary lymph node results were CLEAR (ahhhh! THANK YOU, JESUS!), but that was it -- a 7 second greeting & cheer! Then an over 5 hour wait. No cell phone, no TV, no family. Just me very coherently hanging out with nurses, unable to nap because it was Grand Central Station with folks coming in from surgery constantly, while lying on a very flat ER bed for five hours after undergoing a pretty massive surgery. It was not funny in the moment. Not funny, not funny, not funny! But now, it sort of is... One of our sweet pastors that stayed updated on me throughout the day from Ryan, called him late afternoon while I was still of course in the basement, & he said, "Ahhh, there's no room in the inn." Haha! Thank you, sweet Lord, for the precious ladies that watched over me that afternoon, that stayed hours & hours over their shifts to take care of me & those other patients. Thank you for teaching me patience & humility, even when I wasn't in the most receptive mood. And thank you, Jesus, that I was eventually joined back to my family & had a big, comfy, end room, five hours later.

Truth #4: What should be truth #1, but my husband. Oh my heavens, my husband. I fully believe Ryan Gibson was crafted for me by the Lord himself. He has loved me so good for nine years now, six in marriage, but let me just say: when a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, so is her husband, her children, her parents, her family, & her friends. My husband in this past month though has been the model man that every woman could ever deserve. I do not deserve him & the love that he has demonstrated; it is purely the love of Jesus in him. Yes, he has cheered me on, encouraged me with truths, shared medical knowledge from his background with me, entertained Elly when I wasn't able to, sat with me while tears fell, & distracted me with lots of laughs, but y'all, until you have been in a similar situation of literally becoming helpless -- my upper body post-surgery has pretty well been useless up until the last day or so -- it has opened up a new realm of love I didn't know existed in marriage. Sure, I've been sick before. I'm pretty positive living through food poisoning with me about did him a few years ago, but cancer & surgery... bless him. I am probably one of the most modest women I've ever known, but that has had to fly out the window with this & that's been really hard for me. Ryan has met that with complete humor & keeping things so light-hearted. So many moments this past week that would bring tears otherwise, tears of pain, tears of embarrassment, tears of unknown, Ryan has met with only the charm he has that is perfectly perfect for me & keeps my tears at bay. Quite simply, thank you, sweet Lord, for your gift of marriage & my precious, selfless helpmate, Ryan.

Truth #5: I have the world's best parents. Elly had a stay-cation with Nana & Pop. She ruled the roost & kept those two busy, busy, busy! They stepped in to love on & 100% take care of our child for the past week. Elly’s world stayed as normal as functionally possible & that was such a relief. We had a FaceTime session every night but she was usually too occupied with Nana & Pop to care much for us. We had to beg for sugars & a “night night” every night! What a blessing that was to be such a seamless process. Thank you, sweet Lord, for demonstrating Your perfect love through my dear parents. Thank you for blessing me with two of the greatest individuals I have ever known, to learn from.

Truth #6: Dr. Dicocco, my surgeon, yesterday at my follow-up appointment asked me, "Do you know everyone in & around Jonesboro?" I laughed & said I didn't think so. She told in the past week she has had countless people tell her thank you for taking such good care of Erin Gibson. Y'all... I've said it so many times & I'll say again, Jesus has purposefully planted every person in & around my path, preparing me for this. I know it, without a shadow of doubt. People to most importantly pray & I would swear that I have some of the most solid prayer warriors that ever were, but people again to encourage us & love on us in very practical ways. We have been fed every single night & even many days at lunchtime. That has meant the world to us & truth be known, there have been days I was living for the yummy food I had coming that night! We have started to receive financial help from fundraisers to make such a huge dent in our medical expenses and that is something we can't thank anyone enough for. We have been so honored in seeing people physically showing their support by wearing pink or Team Erin. We just don't even know how to process it all & it will probably take a long time to do just that, but I will never forget the love shown to us. Thank you, sweet Lord, that you have been so purposeful in my life to create a support system like I could have never dreamed. Thank you, Lord, that so many of those in our lives love You & have demonstrated Your love toward us. I pray that I could love in the same way we have been shown.

I'll end on the the fact that I received the best "grade" & smiley face that I've gotten ever gotten on a report: we learned yesterday that I am officially Stage I! A huge answered prayer! Treatment will continue as planned - 4 tough rounds of chemo for 2 months & 12 lighter rounds of chemo for 3 months - but we are ready for every step to come. I know, because I have asked lots of questions of many knowledgeable folks, that there are some hard & ugly days ahead with chemo, but you know what? There are going to be some great & really fun days ahead too, and I'd bet more of those than the bad or ugly! May Jesus be glorified in every day that is to come for us.

All my love from my pink chapter,  Erin

[seventeen-scenarios-blog]

[FIC] Unbound (T)

Prompt: Stepbrother!Mingyu Sequel Word Count: 4,911 Genre: Angst Warnings: Mild substance abuse

A/N: Y'ALL ASKED FOR IT, AND HERE IT IS, FINALLY. I really wanted to get this done in time for Mingyu's birthday, but I guess fate had other plans :( But still, it's done! THE SEQUEL TO TIES IS FINALLY COMPLETED, THE FATE OF OUR HEROES SHALL BE DETERMINED *cough*.  I know it's been a while since that monster-sized fic, so I'd recommend giving it a read again before delving into this one. Thank you so much for the love you've shown for this story. There would not have been a sequel if it weren't for the support <3 ENJOY!

-wooed<3

Read the first installment, Ties, here!

Short Recap:

“I understand,” he says again, as though trying to convince himself, and he crushes you into his arms tighter. “But for now, please… Let me hold onto you for a little longer before I let you go. Just for tonight.”A little longer, that’s all the time the both of you have. Compared to the past thirteen years you’ve spent together, five hours seems like a laughably, cruelly short amount of time now. You sniffle and manage a nod, and he takes in your consent with by nuzzling his nose against the crook of your neck. “I understand.”

It seems like your mind had been playing tricks with you the whole time.

Whenever you tried recalling moments spent with your older brother Mingyu, you recalled of the countless times he had given the you cold shoulder in Junior High, how he avoided you at all costs in the halls of your high school, embarrassed by the thought of being seen with the bottom percentile of the school.

Pretending like you’ve never existed, that was what he was like to you. All this time you thought that you meant this little to Mingyu.

But ever since that fateful night at Jihyun’s house, you’ve started recollecting other memories; whether selectively repressed or not, you had no idea.

The memories of him staring down bullies at the playground with a darkly uttered: “Don’t mess with my sister”, the memories of him incessantly slipping his prized study notes into your room while you’re busy playing video games, memories of a warm meal of stew and rice being left out in the dining table when you come home from late night studies in the library during your senior year.

There was even a memory of him when he was in the 7th Grade while you were in the 6th, when your parents were both overseas on a business trip. He had ran to your elementary school through the thundering rain, just to pass you the umbrella you had carelessly forgotten before turning on his heels and sprinting off for basketball practice completely drenched.

The memories made you break out into cold sweat in the middle of the night, waking up panting and in desperate need of a warm drink to soothe yourself.

You hardly left your room since that incident, opting to hole yourself in your duvet covers and coming out only in mealtimes. Your mother is especially worried, noting how little you’ve been eating, while your step-father gets increasingly aggravated every time Mingyu’s seat remains empty at the dining table.

“He’s heading off to America for who knows how long, and he still wants to spend his last few days in Korea with his friends,” he would grumble around a mouthful of food. “It’s like he doesn’t care about our feelings at all.”

But you know what Mingyu is doing. The tension that exploded between the both of you has made it so that you aren’t able to stay in the same room for more than three seconds. It is already suffocating living under the same roof with him. Bumping into each other in the mornings always called for your awkward bowing before scampering off like he was the boogeyman, while his unreadable yet heated gaze bore down your back like the glaring sun.

A part of you wanted him to quickly leave for America, and put the two of you out of your misery for the next few years and yet… The tug on your heartstrings let you know that you’re definitely feeling otherwise.

But before you know it, the day Mingyu leaves Korea arrives, and you wake up that morning with a sickeningly nauseated feeling deep in your stomach. Your parents had offered you a ride with them to the airport to send your step-brother off, but you turn them down, mumbling a half-hearted excuse about coming down with the flu.

While initially disappointed that you aren’t going to be there, your mother sensed that something is awry (or rather, more awry than usual) between you and Mingyu, but chose to probe no further when you assured her that you’ve already said your goodbyes to each other the night before.

It isn’t a complete lie; Mingyu had felt the compulsive need to settle the things that were left unspoken between the both of you, and when both your parents had fallen asleep, he had come knocking on your door, very well aware that you would still be awake at this hour. Obviously, you wouldn’t be sleeping at all, not with conflicting thoughts and emotions running through your mind a mile a minute.

The sound of his knuckles rapping against your wooden door sends your heart jumping out of your throat, and you froze in your foetal position in bed.

“I know you’re awake,” he said with sadness lacing his voice. The same broken voice from that night. The voice you had prayed with all your might you’ll never hear again. “Please, I just want to talk to you.”

You had pressed your lips together, unable to muster the courage to open the door. At your silence, he let out a sigh.

“I want to talk to you,” he murmured, almost with resign, “Just as a brother.”

A brother… You had almost snorted in incredulity. After all the turmoil you both had went through, the emotions he had bestowed upon you, the fiery sensations from that night that still lingers in your dreams, he still wanted to simply refer to himself as your goddamned brother?

“I know, I was a terrible older brother to you, I know I don’t deserve to talk to you now, but please listen.” As if your body had a mind of its own, you found yourself sitting against the door, your back pressed up against the cool wood. Your head tilted back and rested against it with a soft bump, and you wondered if he was doing the same.

His despair was potent and seemed to permeate through the door and overwhelm you. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he began, as though knowing that you’re already alert and listening to his every word. “I’m leaving for another continent, and I don’t know when I will be coming back.”

His words did nothing but send another wave of agony coursing through your body, and it took all you could to remain silent.

“All I ask of you is that you take good care of yourself,” he said. “Please, eat well, sleep well and stay healthy. College life isn’t going to be any easier than high school, but I know you’ve matured enough to make your own rational decisions. I know you’ll shine in school.” Those words, though encouraging, sounds forced and laced with a heavy tone that dragged the entire atmosphere down. “And if I’m not at home, you’ll have to be there for mom and dad. They get lonely really easily.”

And what about me? How am I going to eat or sleep well, if all I ever think about right at every moment is you, bastard?

He stopped talking, leaving his words hanging in the air and ringing in your ears. You lowered your head, tucking it in between your knees, hoping to block out the rushing sounds of blood in your ears.

“Fuck,” he suddenly cursed, “I can’t do this…”

You barely had the time to wonder about his sudden change in behaviour before the hard thumping of presumably his fists colliding with the ground has you jumping out of your skin.

“I’m sorry,” he had said abruptly. “What happened back last week, I know you want to forget about it all. But I simply can’t. Shit, I’d do anything to forget that because it hurts so fucking much thinking about it. It hurts to think that we’ve left things like this. It hurts that we can’t even talk to each other anymore. It hurts that we just have to keep pretending that we can’t possibly love each other…”

And his voice cracked, leaving broken sobs in the wake of his words. You could hardly keep yourself together as well, his emotions effectively reflecting your own as clearly as if you were looking at a mirror. What kind of sin would the both of you had committed to have landed yourselves in a fucked up position like this one? Neither of you deserved this.

But you weren’t prepared for his next desperate utterings. “Please, it’s not too late. We can still make this work. I promise… I’ll take care of you, I won’t let anyone tear us apart--”

“Stop it, right there,” you had blurted out before you can stop yourself, a cathartic mixture of rage and grief engulfing your mind completely shrouding any coherent thoughts in your brain. “Kim Mingyu, I already told you that we can’t do this. There’s no way that this can work.”

“We’ll find a way,” he insisted, with renewed vigour as he finally heard your response, your voice for the first time in a whole week. “We’ll talk to our parents, we’ll get help from our friends, I’ll stay in Korea!”

“No, you won’t!” you snapped back, shooting back up on your feet, “Listen to yourself right now! Do you even understand what you’re saying? You’re giving up so much; so many students out there would kill for a scholarship like yours. There’s so much in the future in store for you, there’s dad’s company you’re set to inherit, there’s all of your friends… You’re willing to give all of that up for what? A measly relationship?”

Even though the door’s obstructing your view of Mingyu, you could see how his eyes darken in your mind’s eye. “There’s nothing measly about the way I feel about you, you know that.”

He softened and you heard the way his fingers drag across the wood of the door. “Is this really what you feel? Do you really think that what we had meant this little to me?”

Of course you didn’t, shuddering as you recalled all the fiery sensations Mingyu had given you that night. “Mingyu…” you dropped your voice to a whisper. “I can’t ruin your life the same way I ruined mine before. You’ll regret this.”

“I won’t,” he pleaded. “I’ve never wanted anything more for the past thirteen years. If you give me the chance, I’ll protect you, I’ll give you the happiness you deserve.”

There he went with his delusional thoughts again… and the way they influenced you to believe in him. Maybe, he can fulfill that: he can bring you happiness, he can take care of you. You want to be with him. You want to take his hand, run away and never look back. But alas, as tempting as it sounds, you’d be a fool to believe him. Try as you both might, there will never be a future. He’s too perfect, his future is blindingly bright; how selfish would you have to be to bring him down like that? Who were you do dull his shining potential?

You couldn’t allow it, and despite the painful sensations crushing against your ribs and rendering you almost breathless, you had to do what needed to be done. “Mingyu, I said this before and I’m going to say this again… No, don’t do this.”

And then silence ensued, so deep yet so deafening, as Mingyu finally swallowed your words. Every hair in your limbs stood on end as you waited for his response.

“Will you be there tomorrow?”

Such despondency, such defeat in five simple words, so poignant you felt all of your defences crumbling into a messy heap with one fell swoop. But you force yourself to eke out the following words: “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other, for the both of us.”

“Then…” A long pause, as though he was contemplating his words. “can you at least open the door, to let me look at you for the last time? Please?”

That, you absolutely couldn’t do. You feared heavily that one look into his imploring eyes would make you retract every statement you’ve forced out, would make you fall into his warm, inviting arms and forget about every sin and mistake you’ve committed.

“That… wouldn’t be a good idea, Mingyu,” you choked out like it was your last breath.

“I see.” You can barely hear his voice anymore. “Take care of yourself, then.”

“I will, oppa.”

You wondered if he had managed to hear you utter that one term of endearment for the first time in years, because the next things you hear are the dull clumps of his feet against the plywood, growing fainter, and fainter as he strode away from you.

At least he wouldn’t be able to hear the shattering sob that ruptured out of your chest that had you sliding down the walls in utmost despair. Pulling your legs close to your chest, you cried yourself to sleep, curled up by the door like the loathsome, vile creature you know you are, unworthy of any attention, pity or love.

And so as the morning comes, you can only listen to the roar of the car at the driveway, the car that will take Mingyu away from your life forever.

After finding you in your current desolate state, your mother had wrapped you up in your quilt, and had left the door open, perhaps as an open invitation for you in case you change your mind. But you know that you neither had the strength nor willpower to get up anymore.

Wallowing in your own self pity, you writhe deeper into your sheets. It hasn’t even been minutes, but you’re already feeling lonelier than ever. You draw in a deep breath until your lungs ache, then let the air out shakily. If only the negative thoughts cluttering your mind could be gotten rid off as easily as exhaling.

You wonder if you should just fall back asleep, the bottle of sleeping pills by your nightstand suddenly looking so tempting to your eyes. You won’t know when you’d awaken again, but it is better than allowing the wound in your heart to fester. Before you know it, your fingers close around the small, plastic bottle, and you pop two white pills onto your hand.

“All I ask is for you to take care of yourself…”

It hasn’t even been a whole day since, but you’re already going back on the one promise you made to him.

I’m sorry, Mingyu, but I want to get rid of these feelings. Your eyes squeeze shut us you roll the sinful capsules in your steadily sweating palm.  Just two will do. You wouldn’t want to hurt yourself more than necessary; you needed just enough to knock you out for the next few hours.

Your heart is pounding so loudly in your ears, you can’t hear opening and closing of your front door. Your mind made, you tilt your head back to drop the pills into your mouth. The bitter tang of the medication spreads through the base of your tongue and almost makes you gag, but you force yourself to swallow anyway.

But even the pills disobey you, getting stubbornly caught at the back of your dry throat without anything to wash them down. As a result, you choke and retch, doubling over in utter disgust with yourself.

“Hey, babe? Where you at-- Oh my god, spit that out!”

Your mind too thick with dense fog, you barely see the blurry figure dashing into your room in panic. Within seconds the newcomer has one arm fastened across your chest while the other is repeatedly tapping against your back. Hacking violently, you manage to dislodge the medicine, leaving two powdery lumps in your wake.

Completely spent and haggard, you feel yourself get dragged back onto the bed, chest heaving heavily from the ordeal.

“How could you, babe? I was so worried!” You get yanked into a skinny but warm embrace, the pounding in your head ceasing just enough for you to recognise the newcomer’s voice. “Are you okay? Please talk to me…”

“Ji...hyun?” you stutter out confusedly, feebly pulling yourself out of your friend’s arms. “W-what are you doing here?”

“I came here as soon as he called me. Your…” The girl in front of you nervously shifts her eyes, as though contemplating on her word use, “... brother called me before he left. Said you were alone at home, told me to come over to take care of you and make sure you were okay. And… oh god…” She breaks off once she notices your freshly fallen tears.

Mingyu still cared. Even after your constant rejection, your constant avoidance, the final blow you’ve delivered to him last night… He still cared. The emotions you had struggled so hard to repress finally reach a breaking point and before you know it, your eyes and nose burn up and you’re crying again. Your hands find a death grip on the cloth on your chest, squeezing it until your knuckles turn pale and tremble as though it’s the only thing keeping you together.

“Oh baby,” Jihyun sighs, gently cupping your face between her small hands. Her thumb smears away the wet droplets on your cheeks before she pulls you into her bosom. “It’s okay, just cry it out. I’m here for you.”

You almost feel ashamed of yourself. You hate this, you hate feeling like this, you hate yourself, and you want to hate Mingyu for making you feel like this. But yet…

“I love him, Jihyun,” you sob into her chest. “I love him. I love him so fucking much.”

“I know baby, I know you do...” she murmurs sympathetically, one hand softly cradling the back of your head. You are pretty sure your tears are soaking through her expensive branded clothes by now, but she makes no move to let you go. “He loves you too, you know?”

You can’t trust your voice anymore, opting to shake your head miserably instead. No, you don’t deserve him. You’re not worthy for his love. “It’s true,” she insists. “I had to admit, I was caught off-guard by the truth last week, and I never got a chance to ask you about it because you both left so quickly that night. But you know what that crazy bastard Mingyu did?”

At that last sentence, you tilt your head up curiously, staring at your best friend through the sheen of moisture in your eyes. “He came back and pleaded to talk to me. He wanted to clear everything up and explain your situation. He told me about Donghyuk and why he had to act out like that, he told me… what happened after you left. He told me all about his feelings for you, hoping that I would be able to understand your plight and not blame you for anything.”

It is like your chest had just been squeezed through a wringer, your lungs constricting so much that you can barely breathe between your cries. Jihyun rubs a soothing hand down your back in circular motions. “It was a lot for me to take in at first, but I do know one thing: Mingyu really, really does love you. And you love him back now, don’t you?”

You are torn between a nod and a shake of your head, so you can only pathetically tighten the hold you have on your best friend.

“He’s too good for me,” you manage to wheeze out. “We can never be together.”

Jihyun’s embrace abruptly cuts off as she suddenly grips you by your shoulders. “You listen to me now, missy. No, he’s not too good for you. No one’s too good for you. You deserve him as much as he deserves you, do you hear me?!” The words were spoken with such harsh conviction, it sends a blow straight through your head. Something that could be equivalent to an epiphany hits you like a truck. Is Jihyun right? Just five simple sentences. That was all it took to send you reeling back into reality.

Your mouth falls open and you stare at her, dumbstruck by this revelation.

Jihyun watches you ponder over her words, and she flashes you a knowing, motherly smile while her hand props your fallen jaw back up to its proper place. “It’s not too late, you know… You can still get to say your goodbyes.”

“C-Cab,” you stupidly mumble, clumsily clambering back up onto your feet. “I need to get a cab, now!” It’s not too late… It’s not too late! His flight is scheduled to take off an hour from now. If you hurry, you might just be able to catch up with him.

But the metallic tinkling of keys catches your attention, and you look up to see your best friend holding a set of keys up with a smirk.

“You tell me now,” she winks. “Exactly how many broken traffic laws is this man worth?”

Jihyun’s motorcycle screeches to a halt by the curb of the airport amongst a chorus of noisy car honks and disapproving shouts from other vehicles, but you can’t care less. Muttering a quick ‘thank you’ to Jihyun, you all but throw your helmet onto the gravel pavement, bolting towards the departure hall like your life depends on it.

It must have been a strange sight to behold, a girl with a messy bun of hair dressed in nothing but an oversized white sleeping shirt and a pair of boxers in the middle of an airport, but you disregard all the stares and whispers, your mind fixated on one thing and one thing only.

Your lungs are burning, your legs are screaming in protest, and your body is completely exhausted from yesterday and today, yet you continued to shove yourself past the crowd with unbridled strength, desperate to find him.

Oh my god, where is he?!

You push your way to the entrance of the departure hall, recognising his flight number displayed on the screen all too well. You stand on your toes, trying to find Mingyu amongst the crowd of passengers, forcing yourself to suppress the mounting panic rising like bile up your throat. No, it can’t be. I can’t be too late. He couldn’t have left. He couldn’t have left you just like that!

But what you can only describe as utter euphoria spreads through your body like an electrical current when you see a tall figure sticking out amongst the masses, his favourite matte black cap and trenchcoat all too familiar to your eyes. Though you’ve spent thirteen years with him, this is the first time seeing him this sullen and lifeless, his back drooping with the weight of the world.

From the other side of the gate, you watch helplessly as he stands in the queue in front of the check-in counter, knowing fully well that he wouldn’t ever be able to turn around once he crosses that barrier. Every cell in your body screams at you to call out to him, but standing in front of a pair of formidable looking security guards blocking the gates, you can only watch him shuffle closer and closer towards the counter. You’ve lost your chance to reconcile. You’ll never be able to see him again, and you can never bring yourself to look at him ever again either, thoroughly ashamed of what you had done to him.

“Mingyu…” Your whisper comes out piteous and broken.

But to your amazement, standing next in line at the check-in counter, Mingyu pauses and turns around, like he had heard you. He sweeps his eyes across the hall, as though searching… waiting for someone, his dull eyes having a tint of hopefulness in them which steels your resolve.

And you do what you never thought you’d do.

Darting in between the two security guards, you sprint into the departure hall. The subsequent caterwauling from the surrounding crowd is nothing compared to the thrashing and hammering of your heart.

“KIM MINGYU!”

His name flies out of your mouth on its own accord, and floored by your own actions, you skid to a stop in the middle of the hall. Your knees are in the verge of buckling under the tremendous amount of emotions, you are sweating icy cold bullets, and you thought that you are going to pass out, but you miraculously remain standing with your chin up high.

Kim Mingyu stares back at you, his eyes blown wide, every muscle of his stiff and motionless. The other passengers break into curious whispers, casting you borderline irritated glances. You suck in a shaky breath, your fingers unwittingly curling into fists behind your back.

“Am I too late?” you softly breathe out.

Time seems to crawl by as Mingyu takes the longest two seconds of your life to drink in your words.

Then he drops everything in his hands.

“Oh fuck this,” is the only thing you hear coming out of him before he closes the distance in between the both of you in three lengthy strides and proceeds to crush his lips against yours. At that moment, everything disappears: the people, the guards hollering at you, the entire airport dissipates into nothingness. In you mind’s eye, it is only the two of you. All air escapes your system and you feel like you’re literally floating in air out of pure elation as his body molds into yours perfectly once again. This is where you are truly meant to be; in his arms. You’re thrown back to that fateful night with the sheer amount of passion in his kiss. Except now, it’s different. You’re no longer rejecting his affections. You want him, you want to be with him. And feeling the way he smiles against your lips, you know he’s feeling the same way.

Feeling lightheaded and giddy, you finally pull away to catch your breath, only to be met with Mingyu’s blindingly shining eyes. “You came,” he says. “You finally came.”

“Of course I did,” you reply with a shy turn of your head, embarrassed by the sheer magnitude of the grin that threatens to break across your face. Your body still held between his arms, he throws his head back and lets out a short laugh of both delight and disbelief. “Please tell me this isn’t a dream.”

You soften, feeling the tinge of guilt again for putting him through this much emotional suffering. To reassure him, you lift a hand and placed it on his cheek. “I’m sorry I’m so late,” you tell him. “But I’m here now. I love you, Mingyu.”

Yet another melodious bout of laughter escapes his lips as he leans into your touch. How long he must have waited, you realise, to have been able to hear those three words coming from your mouth. “I love you,” you repeat, hoping to compensate for lost time. “I love you, Kim Mingyu.”

His grip around your body impossibly tightens. “Oh god,” he sighs, about to pull you in for another mind-blowing kiss but you are both interrupted by the announcer on the PA system.

“Passengers bound for Pennsylvania, America, are to report to their boarding gates. The flight will take off at ten-thirty.”

The both of you turn to meet each other’s gazes, suddenly dragged back down into reality. Mingyu’s eyes dart between the check-in counter and you, and you can sense the amount of conflict whirling in his mind. “Come with me,” he breathes out. “Come to America. We can start a life there. Or… Or I’ll stay in Korea. We… we can-”

“Mingyu,” you giggle, bringing your other hand to the other side of his face, prompting him to look directly into your eyes. “It’s okay, you can go to America.”

He flinches at your words, as though he has never expected those words to come from you. “But-”

“I’ll wait for you, Mingyu,” you assure him. “It’s okay, I’m just really glad I got the chance to talk to you before you left for America.”

He frowns, a shadow of pain flickering across his irises. “So, nothing’s changed? We still won’t be together.”

At that, you immediately shake your head. “Everything’s changed, Mingyu. Sure, we are still separated, but we won’t be avoiding each other anymore, we won’t live in lies anymore. We can still talk to each other. You can come back during your breaks, I’ll come visit during mine. It’s We’ll find a way to make this work, I promise.” You echo the words he said to you before. “I know it’s not going to be easy for us, but we’ll be okay, Mingyu.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be back,” he confesses. “It could take three years, maybe four.”

“You waited for thirteen years, Mingyu,” you try to lightheartedly say despite the aching in your heart, “I think it’s time I reciprocate.” In response, he squeezes your hand tight in his. “But I’ll miss you so much.”

“I will too.” You press your head against his rapidly beating chest. “We’ll be okay, Mingyu. I know we will.”

Mingyu cradles your head lovingly, and you both take in the sight of each other, neither of you quite willing to pull away. “I love you,” he says again, but you know that you’ll never be tired of hearing that.

With the last, heartfelt kiss of farewell, you feel the strings that had suffocated you for the past week come completely undone, dissolving like dew in the morning sun. Even when he returns to his spot in the check-in counter and you’re rudely shoved out of the departure hall by the more-than-disgruntled guards, you can’t help but draw in a breath of pure happiness.

There are more trials and tribulations to come as a result of the decision you both have made. Your relationship will be difficult, tumultuous even. This is only the beginning of your struggles. Yet, as you him disappear amongst the crowd of passengers, looking brighter than you’ve ever seen him before...

You feel free.

[kmomof4]

I posted 2,210 times in 2022

102 posts created (5%)

2,108 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jrob64

@cssns

@hollyethecurious

@snowbellewells

@pirateherokillian

I tagged 2,199 of my posts in 2022

#cs ff - 551 posts

#captain swan - 299 posts

#killian jones - 234 posts

#otp forever - 161 posts

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#enchanted swans - 139 posts

#colin odonoghue - 130 posts

#cssns22 - 118 posts

#krystal writes - 91 posts

#kwistowee - 76 posts

Longest Tag: 100 characters

#yeah emma… cos the natural thing is to grab someone by the waist and pull them tight to your body 👀

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Dance With the Gypsy: A Red Hunter story in the Universe of A Family Affair

I wanted to get Ruby and Graham posted in January, and here I am slipping it in just under the wire!!! Yay, me!!!

As you can see, Dance With the Gypsy is dropping as its own fic instead of simply a chapter in Love Between the Pages. When I saw how long this fic was and how long the OQ and Snowing portions were shaping up to be, I thought it’d be much better to make it a series instead. The series is named A Family Affair and will include the love stories of all the siblings introduced in LBtP. I cannot BEGIN to express the joy y'all have given me with all the love shown this verse. It means more than I can ever say!! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

And now to give credit where credit is due. DWtG wouldn’t be here without the love, care, and attention of @snowbellewells​, @jrob64​, and @hollyethecurious​. Both for the fic and for me. They were there to lend me their eyes, their ears, and their unending support. Thank you so so much, ladies!!

And to all of you readers. Thank you again for all the love you’ve already shown this verse. I hope you enjoy this new offering and let me know what you think!!

Summary: Graham Humbert swore off love long ago- determined never to fall in love, never to marry. And that worked great. Until he met Ruby Lucas. What's he supposed to do when she sets her eyes on him? Maybe falling in love isn't so bad after all...

Rating: M (smut)

Words: 11k

Tags: Inspired by Dance to the Piper of The O’Hurleys by Nora Roberts, Broadway, Smut

Fic on ao3

Series on ao3

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

From a young age, Ruby was a dancer. When she got her first pair of tap shoes at the age of four, she began dreaming of a time when she would be a star on Broadway in New York City. All these years later, she was finally here.

She had come to New York at the age of eighteen, not long after Emma had left the family to marry NASCAR darling Neal Cassidy. Ruby supported herself by waiting tables in the theater district, in between dance classes and auditions, falling into bed in the wee hours of the morning before getting up and doing it all over again. She survived on Starbucks and reduced or free meals at the restaurants where she worked. She finally got her first chorus line contract after being in New York for three years, and her first lead about four years after that, allowing her to finally quit her waitressing job for good. Now she was on her second leading role after being in the show Six for two and half years.

Secrets would be opening in Philadelphia on the 4th of July weekend, bankrolled by Humbert Records, the producer of the soundtracks for legacy Broadway shows like Cats and Phantom of the Opera, as well as more recent hits like The Lion King and Hamilton. Ruby was thrilled to be a part of a show with that kind of clout behind it. Of course, there was no guarantee a particular show would be a hit, but with the kind of track record Humbert Records had, and her own instincts as to the viability of the show, she was pretty confident it would have a very long, very successful run. And would only open more doors for her down the road.

~*~*~

Graham Humbert was a second generation recording mogul in New York City, having taken over after his father finally retired from the business seven years ago. His father, Maurice had founded Humbert Records as a young man in the early eighties, when Andrew Lloyd Webber decided to take a chance on a young unknown with his new musical Cats. Humbert Records had been a powerhouse in the business for decades when Graham stepped into his father’s role, and that status had been confirmed when he’d landed the soundtrack for Hamilton not long after taking the helm.

Graham loved and respected his father tremendously and wanted nothing more than to make him proud, so when his father had come to him late last year with a recommendation for a new musical and a prospective leading lady- I have a good feeling about this one, he’d said with a grin and a wink- Graham hadn’t hesitated to pursue the recording rights. Now the musical was cast and in rehearsals, so Graham had decided to drop in to watch a portion of the rehearsal with the principals of the musical.

As he sat in the darkened theater with the director and choreographer, he watched as Ruby Lucas spun across the stage in a series of small turns before leaping into the arms of her co-star, Peter Wolffe, who’d just appeared onstage for a beautiful pas de deux. Graham knew who she was, of course, he’d seen her in Six and had personally approached her to offer her the starring role after his father’s recommendation, but watching her now, her strength and beauty took his breath away.

Once the rehearsal was over, Graham was invited on stage to meet with the stars of the show. He tried to school his features as he approached them and could only hope his nerves weren’t as obvious to Ms. Lucas as they were to him.

“Graham Humbert,” the choreographer, Cora Hart, began, “I understand you’ve already met Ruby Lucas,” she said, nodding at the star before turning to her partner. “May I introduce Peter Wolffe?”

He shook hands with Peter, commending him on the scene they’d just been rehearsing before turning back to Ruby. “It’s nice to see you again, Ms. Lucas,” Graham said, extending his hand for her to take. She was gorgeous, and he hoped his palms weren’t sweating. She smiled broadly, Graham was sure he could see every one of her teeth, and took his hand. Her green eyes sparkled and he couldn’t help but return her smile.

“Call me Ruby,” she countered with a wink.

~*~*~

Over the next few weeks, Graham made several appearances at rehearsals, and every time he did, Ruby’s heart beat double time. But she was a professional and couldn’t let this little infatuation interfere with her work. It took a few times, but when Graham made his fourth appearance in the space of about a week and a half, Ruby was finally able to put him in the back of her mind and concentrate fully on her rehearsal instead of half on what was going on around her and the other half on the handsome producer sitting in the front row.

She wasn’t blind to the way he looked at her, though. Every time she snuck a glance at him, he was entirely focused on her, sending a shiver of feminine pride down her spine. And when she was dancing with Peter, his stare about drilled a hole in her head. Since it appeared her attraction was not one-sided, Ruby decided to do something about it.

When rehearsal was over, Ruby approached him.

“Checking up on your investment?” she asked him with a grin.

See the full post

40 notes - Posted January 31, 2022

#4

Hotel Neverland: A New Fic for CSSNS22

Hello everyone!!! I am so thrilled to share my entry for this years @cssns​!!!! I’ve had this in my head for a while, and I’m so excited to finally post it!!!! 

All the love and thanks to the mods for hosting another FANTASTIC event, @hollyethecurious​ who helped me get it plotted back in May when I visited, and to @profdanglaisstuff​ for her beta services and her expert advice on how to make this a little more unsettling, a little more creepy, just a little more all the way around... Thank you all so much, ladies!!!

And finally, to my artist @thesschesthair​. Mandy is an ACTUAL SAINT for her GORGEOUS artwork for this fic and I am absolutely BESIDE myself for ALL of it!!! Please go give her heaps and loads of love for her work!!! She did several banners for the fic that I had a hell of a time choosing between, so I decided, why not use them all? And then, at the eleventh hour, she did another piece of work that sent me into TOTAL SCREAMING FLAILING CONNIPTIONS. It’s a bit spoilery, so it’ll be at the end of the fic.

But now, without further ado, here we go!

Fic Summary: A CS story for the Captain Swan Supernatural Summer ‘22

Rating: M (smut)

Words: 6611

Tags: CSSNS22, Inspired by Hotel California, Ghost Story, Smut

On ao3

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

See the full post

41 notes - Posted August 19, 2022

#3

Filming start June 6!!!!!! I can’t WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!

47 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#2

Apologies, Dr. Jones- A New Fic by @kmomof4

Happy birthday @zaharadessert​!!!!! It’s not quite your birthday here yet, but I wanted this posted before you woke up on your special day, so here you go!! You are a dear friend and I’m so glad this fandom has brought you into my life!! I hope this fic makes your birthday even better! Love you, babe!!!

All the love and thanks to @hollyethecurious​ for encouraging me to write this in the first place and to @jrob64​ for an incredibly fast beta and for her help with the artwork! Thank you so much, ladies!!! Love y’all!!! 😘

From a post here on Tumblr by @lifeinahole27​ 

How do I explain to my professor that the reason I didn't show up to class is because in my dream I woke up and checked my email and saw that class was canceled and I believed it?

Rating: M (smut)

Words: 3865

Tags: Teacher-Student Relationship, No Power Dynamic Issues, Consensual Sex, Smut

On ao3

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

 “Where were you?” Ruby asked, sitting down across from Emma at their usual coffee and breakfast spot. They always came here after their 9am British Lit class for the food they never had time to eat before class. And more coffee. Much more coffee.

“What do you mean ‘where was I’?” she asked, taking a bite of her bear claw.

“You weren’t in class,” Ruby said, incredulously. “Where were you?”

“I went back to sleep for a little while after the alarm went off, then came here,” she informed her friend. “I figured since you weren’t home when I got up that you must have gone to the library or something.”

“Nooo,” Ruby drawled. “I was in class. Where you should have been.”

Emma’s eyes got wide, as understanding dawned. “Class wasn’t canceled?” She pulled out her phone and frantically searched through her email.

Ruby grinned. “Did you dream that class was canceled?”

Heat flooded Emma’s cheeks as she looked up at Ruby. “I could have sworn…”

Ruby clapped her hands and threw back her head, laughing loudly. “Oh, Emma,” she howled, wiping the tears from her eyes. “No, class wasn’t canceled. And Dr. Jones stopped me after class to ask where you were. He seemed quite concerned about not seeing your face this morning, or the rest of you, for that matter.” Ruby’s eyebrows wiggled salaciously. “Mm mm mmmmmm,” she hummed. “If I were you, girl, I’d get me some of that…”

More heat flooded Emma’s cheeks at Ruby’s comment. “He’s my professor, Rubes,” she said, rolling her eyes. “That’s not gonna happen.” Until the end of the semester anyway, she thought, trying to hide a smirk at the thought.

But Ruby wasn’t fooled. She knew Emma too well and wasn’t blind to the attraction between her best friend and their professor that’d been simmering all semester long.

Emma dropped her head into her folded arms on the table between them. “How am I supposed to explain this? It must have been a dream. I woke up, checked my email and saw class was canceled. So why wouldn’t I go back to sleep? Ugh!”

“Well,” her friend tried to console her, “at least you’re not gonna be penalized for missing class. And you can copy my notes.”

Emma looked back up at her. “Yeah, but I was so looking forward to today’s class. You know how much I love Tolkien.”

“And you can tell how much he loves Tolkien, too,” Ruby informed her. “I’ve never seen him so animated during a lecture. And you know, that’s saying a lot.”

“Yeah,” Emma agreed, thinking about her hot professor and how she’d never had another that kept her attention so easily, no matter what time of day the class was held, much less first thing on Monday mornings. He obviously knew and loved his subject and it translated into his lectures. But today was the introduction to several lectures on Tolkien himself, and Emma wanted to kick herself for missing it. “I’m gonna have to go and apologize to him,” she said standing and checking the time on her phone. “He’s in his office for another hour. I’ll see you later.”

Ruby smirked at her. “Uh huh,” she murmured, “an hour’s plenty of time.”

Emma rolled her eyes at her friend. “Shut up, Rubes.”

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72 notes - Posted February 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

A One Time Thing? A new fic for the CS Neverland New Year!

I am so excited to finally be sharing my new fic for @neverlandnewyear​!!!! This is a canon divergence from the kiss and was basically just an excuse to write Neverland smut. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think!! 

Thank you to the mods for hosting another great event this year!! I’m thrilled to have something new to contribute! Thank you to @hollyethecurious​ for outstanding beta services and all the ladies of the CSNLNY and CSMM discords for their support and encouragement!

Summary: A canon divergence from the Neverland kiss

Rating: M

Words: 2,220

Tags: Neverland, Smut, Canon Divergence

On ao3

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

A One Time Thing?

“Perhaps you’re the one who couldn’t handle it,” he said, a sultry smirk on his face and popping the T.

Emma inhaled sharply at the way his voice dropped into a sexy croon, wrapping itself around every syllable the way she wished he would wrap around her. He made no move toward her, however, other than to hold her gaze, always letting her lead, his own eyes hooded, his cheeks and lips flushed red.

It only took a moment for her to make her decision. Grabbing the collar of that damn coat he always wore- how he didn’t melt in the Neverland heat with that blasted thing on, she’d never know- she hauled him to her and captured his lips with her own.

His stunned surprise melted as she released one side of the collar to wrap her hand around his neck, holding him to her. Her fingers buried themselves into the softness of his hair as his own hand tentatively brushed her long golden strands. The moist heat of his mouth tasted of rum with notes of leather, the sea, and sweat as their tongues tangled.

Oh, god.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, noooo.

Oh, yesss…

Killian’s own thoughts were barely coherent, simply losing himself in the moment. Oh, yesss… Oh, Swan… gods above, below, and all the realms between. Emma Swan, the gorgeous and bloody brilliant woman he’d follow to the ends of the earth, and had, was in his arms and she seemed determined to kill him with the way she fully possessed his mouth and held on to him as if she was drowning and he was her savior instead of the other way around. He pulled her closer into him, his hooked appendage wrapping around her waist and drawing her into where he was quickly hardening. She wasn’t relaxing her grip on his collar, her movements jerky and desperate, so he slowed his own movements down, determined to enjoy this brief interlude as much as possible in this hellscape.

Emma grabbed his collar again, her shoulders rising as she sucked in some desperately needed air before diving back in. His hook circled behind her and pushed her hips into his own, drawing a positively obscene moan from her mouth. His hard length was hitting her just right and it was all she could do to keep from grinding against him.

Her kiss grew more desperate, breathing him in as he tried to slow the pace down, his tongue caressing hers rather than dueling.

No, no, NO!!

This was not happening. She couldn’t allow it. He may be helping them find her son, he may have saved David’s life, but she would not fool herself into believing this meant anything. This was nothing more than a flirtation for him. She’d been burned before and she’d be damned if she let it happen again. But god, she really wanted him...

She grabbed his collar tighter as their lips barely parted. Killian couldn’t open his eyes yet, but their heavy breaths mingled in the space between them. Once he forced his eyes at least partially open, he couldn’t look away from her red swollen lips and heaving chest.

“That was…”

The words were barely a whisper against her lips. If she’d been any further away, she probably would have missed them. Their mouths were only millimeters apart, his nose brushing hers in the perfect position to dive back in, to hell with the consequences. But Emma couldn’t let that happen. She had to get away. She had to put some space between them.

“A one time thing,” she murmured into the moist air between them before releasing him and taking a small step back. In an instant, Killian’s gaze hardened.

“We’ll see about that, darling,” he all but growled, catching Emma off guard. He’d never been that forceful with her before, always letting her set the pace in their little dance. Sure, it didn’t stop him from flirting, but with her declaration, she would have expected him to back off, not assert himself like that.

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77 notes - Posted January 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

FINALLY!!!! Only took 2+hrs for the Post now button to light up...

But anyway, I'm pretty excited that most of my top posts were fics I wrote this year and that only 11 of my posts didn't have tags!

[chan-hii48-blog]

The Size of 6 Years. Kimoto Kanon

今日はめいの卒業発表がありました。 Today, there was Mei’s graduation announcement. 前々から聞いてはいました I’ve already heard about it beforehand だから 心の準備は始めてました That’s why I have started to prepare my heart for it ゆかりちゃんやまどかやあやが卒業した時は あぁもうこんなに減っちゃったんだ 2人で頑張ろうね When Yukari-chan, Madoka and Aya graduated, “Ah, so we’ve been reduced as much as this. Let’s work hard together as the two of us, okay?” なんて言ってたけど また減っちゃうんだね Is what I said, but We’re going to get reduced again, aren’t we? 今度は頑張ろうねって言う人が いなくなっちゃう This time, the person I’ll say “Let’s work hard okay?” to Will be gone 6年間当たり前のように いつも隣にいたのに Even though for six years, as if it was natural, You stayed by my side… いきなりその当たり前がなくなるのに 6年は大き過ぎて And even though all of a sudden, that naturalness will be gone, 6 years is too big 正直怖いです。 In all honesty, I’m scared. めいがいなくなったら いつもめいにしか言えなかった事は きっと誰にも言えなくなる If Mei goes away, The things I usually say only to Mei, I’m sure I won’t be able to say to anyone else anymore めいだけが知ってて支えてくれた 私の悔しい気持ちとか目標とか めいにしか見せなかった弱さは The things I’ve said that Mei only knows… Things I’m frustrated of, my goals… And the weakness I’ve shown only to Mei 6年間ずっと隣で一緒にいた めいだから見せれたものだったから Because of the six years we’ve been side by side together I was able to show it to her because it was Mei めいがいなくなったら 私ひとりだな If Mei goes away I’ll be alone, won’t I? ゆかりちゃんもまどかもあやもめいも みんな先に行っちゃうんだもん After all, Yukari-chan, Madoka, Aya and even Mei Everyone’s going ahead of me already 卒業しても会えるのはわかってるし むしろ会う気しかないんだけど…笑 I know that even if you graduate, we’ll still meet Although only as long as we have a chance to meet… lol でもやっぱり メンバーなのとそうじゃないのでは 全然違うんだよね But as expected Since you won’t be a member anymore It’s absolutely different, right? めいとだから乗り越えれた 大切な人の卒業 Because I’m with Mei, I overcame everything Now that important person’s graduating 私はひとりで 乗り越えれるかな Looks like I’ll be alone To overcome everything else, right? ひとりに慣れれるのかな I’ll have to get used to being alone, right? 寂しいな。 How lonely. でも But めいの卒業はちゃんと応援してます。 I’ll be sure to fully support Mei’s graduation. むしろ めいにとっては 良い事なのかなとも思います Besides, To Mei, I think this will be something nice 6年間 あんなにガラスのハートのくせに よく頑張って来れたなぁって思うくらい 本当に繊細で For 6 years I’ve been so glass-hearted that Thinking to myself “You’ve really done well haven’t you?” Is really rare 気にしいだしネガティヴだしたまに短気だし笑 不器用だから誤解される事の方が 多かったけど I mind everything and I’m negative and at times I’m short tempered lol I’m awkward so the number of people who misunderstood me Is huge 私より何でも出来るし 後輩にもすごい慕われてて 何よりめちゃくちゃ優しいんです！ You can do things better than me You’re even really adored by the juniors And on top of that, you’re really really kind! この6年間 めいは私の影に隠れてた事なんか 一回もない In these six years There hasn’t been a single moment When Mei hid in my shadow めいはめいらしく ちゃんと輝いてたし ���長してた Mei, in her own way, Shined properly And she grew up それを見ててくれる���も ちゃんといた And the people who saw that Were there to witness it それが去年の総選挙で ちゃんと結果として出たんじゃないかな And last year’s general elections Was its result being shown めいちむのみなさんが 諦めないで支えてくれてたお陰で やっとめいがランクイン出来て Everyone from Team Mei Never gave up and thanks to that, Mei was finally able to rank in. あの時は本当に自分の事のように 嬉しかったです At that time, as if it was me up there, I was really glad. 何目線だよって感じだけど めいちむよくやった！って思ってました。笑 Although it was a bit of a “Who the heck are you?” feel, “Team Mei y'all did great!” is what I thought. Lol この6年間 In the span of these six years めいちむのみなさんにも たくさんお世話になりましたね Everyone from Team Mei have watched over you a lot, haven’t they? いやむしろ うちのめいがお世話になりましたって 感じもあるんですが笑 Well rather It’s as if my own Mei is watching over them It has that feel, though lol まだ残りの期間 最後の最後まで In these remaining times Until the end of the end めいの事を全力で 応援してあげてください Please support Mei With all you’ve got いやむしろ 卒業してからも 応援してあげてください。笑 Or rather Even after she graduates Please support her. Lol のんめいは永遠だからね🖖🏻 NonMei is eternal, okay 🖖🏻 卒業する一分一秒まで いっぱいSKEでの 思い出作っていこう！ Until the last second of the last minute of your graduation, In SKE Let’s make a whole lot of memories!

kanon.

I’m literally crying right now. Kanon baby it’s okay, we’re here for you.

Some parts of the translation I’m not really confident about so sorry if it’s inaccurate.

[junker-town]

NHL scores 2017: Nikita Kucherov put on a master class in the art of the power play one-timer

The Ottawa Senators will never allow Nikita Kucherov to sit at the circle like this ever again.

If you’re reading this, you likely paid more attention to the big trade bombshell that was dropped on the NHL world on Monday night than the handful of games that played out in typical fashion. Considering two of the three games were quite the nail-biters, it’s kind of a shame, actually.

The one game that wasn’t anxiety-ridden in the third period was decided by three goals in the second period. Nikita Kucherov’s three goals, to be precise. The Lightning piled on the Senators in a 5-1 victory, their third win in four games, thanks to Kucherov’s natural hat trick in the second.

And if you saw one, you saw them all. Really. Kucherov scored the exact same goal three different times, and all of them on the power play, to propel the Lightning to victory.

Neat look at Nikita Kucherov's natural hat trick tonight. All three goals identical. http://pic.twitter.com/NbGAqi0YMi

— Brady Trettenero (@BradyTrett) February 28, 2017

Not only were the goals identical in style, Kucherov set up at the far circle and just went into autopilot one-timer mode on all three.

And what did the Senators’ defense do about it? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Seriously, look at how much space Kucherov is given each time to make the same play.

.@Senators y'all might wanna cover Kucherov when he winds up right here. Just some advice http://pic.twitter.com/APExoHRKYE

— Caps Fan for 2017 (@shane1342o) February 28, 2017

You know what they say, Ottawa. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, dishonor on you, your team ... and your cow.

Scores

Canadiens 4, Devils 3 (OT) Lightning 5, Senators 1 Wild 5, Kings 4 (OT)

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Three Things We Learned

1. Andrei Vasilevskiy had a very good first game post-Ben Bishop

The mantle of Tampa Bay goaltender has now fallen into the hands of a 22-year-old. Pittsburgh has shown that it can work, and after one game, Andrei Vasilevskiy is on the right track. If Monday is any indication, the Lightning will be just fine in net, as Vasilevskiy saved 39 of 40 shots in the victory.

The offensive outburst gave Vasilevskiy all the cushion he needed, but he was superb in the opening moments of the game to get them there.

2. Ryan White has already made a contribution to the Wild

Also adjusting well to their new surroundings? Ryan White, formally of the Coyotes! In the Wild’s thrilling 5-4 overtime victory against the Kings, it was White of all people to help Minnesota get to that finish. With the Wild and Kings trading leads, White helped the Wild get even two minutes after Jake Muzzin gave Los Angeles their third lead of the night in the second period.

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That is exactly what Minnesota needs from their new pickups: depth scoring and clutch goals.

3. The first 40 minutes weren’t necessary in New Jersey

Only one goal was scored in the first two periods between the Devils and Canadiens. In the last 20 minutes? Five goals. The Devils jumped out to a 1-0 lead in the late stages of the first, and it took an entire period for the game to get crazy. Max Pacioretty helped rally Montreal from a two-goal deficit with goals No. 30 and 31, giving him four straight seasons of 30-plus goals.

Alex Galchenyuk capped off the come-from-behind victory in overtime, but the Devils wasted a key offensive output and gained just one point in the wild card race.

Impact Moment

Mikael Granlund pulled a beauty on the Kings just 12 seconds into overtime that helped the Wild finish their comeback victory in style.

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Jonathan Quick, however, was less than pleased with the turn of events.

Welcome back, Jonathan Quick!! http://pic.twitter.com/7cMOM3Zhzk

— PumperNicholl (@PumperNicholl) February 28, 2017

Glad to have you back, Quick!

Stat of the Night

Nikita Kucherov matched a @TBLightning record with three power-play goals in a game, set by Chris Kontos on Oct. 7, 1992 vs. CHI. #OTTvsTBL http://pic.twitter.com/MRMNgpxlp3

— NHL Public Relations (@PR_NHL) February 28, 2017