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cupioriot · 6 months

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any octavian/octkahale song recs? i've been listening to 'we will commit wolf murder' (of montreal) a lot recently and i feel like it kind of fits octkahale but honestly it might just be my brain projecting them onto it.

oh my gods yes hi hello i have been working on a playlist for octkahale for a bit and ive had an octavian playlist for a while that i have not shared thank you sooo much for this ask. i am SO SORRY it took me this long to answer this i kept forgetting about it

ALSO YES OH MY GODS THAT FITS SO WELL HELLO IM SCREAMING?? anon ily and this song

but yeah this post isnt much analysis sort of just observations and me connecting themes from songs to octavian (and mike)

warning. pretty long post under cut

as for the songs i associate with octkahale;

I will never shut up about them and Vampire Empire by Big Theif. I think about them everytime i listen to it, honestly. So, this, as I see it, if from Mike's perspective, talking about Octavian, more specifically Blood of Olympus era.

"[...] I'm not quiet, you've been quiet just recieving what you said Reeling, feeding, feeling filled by everything you fed I see you as you see yourself in all the books you read Overwhelmed with guilt and realizing the disease."

"You give me chills, I've had it with the drills I am nothing, you are nothing, we are nothing with the pills I am empty till she fills, alive until she kills[..]"

"I wanted to be your woman, I wanted to be your man I wanted to be the one that you could understand"

"Well I walked into your dagger for the last time in a row * It's like trying to start a fire with matches in the snow Where you can't seem to hold me, cant seem to let me go So I can't find surrender, cant keep control"

(*the end of this lyric was removed in the now released version of the song, making the actual lyric "well I walked into your dagger for the last time" however I though the demo version fit better for them here)

alsoooo. P.U.N.K Girl by Heavenly. This to me sounds like Mike trying to defend Octavian in some way. Much more domestic than the other one lmao

"People say she's bad But they don't see The way she is with me"

"P is for the painful way she makes me feel some days U is for utopia, the other times with her N is for the new wave dreams she had back in her teens K is for the kid in her [...]"

"She is honest in kind but in a way that people see As telling lies and being mean She has thousands of dreams but what they are I'll never know I hope I figure in them though"

"I don't care if they don't see Just how great that girl can be But I wish she'd find a way To act well for just one day I don't mind if they can't see Just how much she means to me[...]"

"She is hardened to hurt her softness hidden from the world But almost ready to unfurl She tries so hard to change but something always happens to Persuade her, it's too hard to do"

I put like. almost the whole song their. It just works very well imo :')

Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives. This to me also reminds me of Blood of Olympus. augh. Mainly just Octavian and Michaels tenseness. This one I'd say is from Octavian's perspective. I have been meaning to do a oneshot about this for so long and I prolly will once I figure out how to do Octavian's narrative voice (i have been working at it too long. anyways)

"The words I speak Are wildfires and weed They spread like some awful damn disease And I swear, I didn't mean what I said I swear, I didn't mean it."

"Now listen close You owe me ears for dropping eaves Forget it all, you caught me in a moment weak Sometimes I just can't help myself[..]"

"Remember when I could tell you not to smile when you were mad? And you would always crack And we'd both be laughing in the end Now you're not so quick to forget"*

(*this verse specifically I think fits in Mike's perspective. only this one specifically tho)

"Are we allies or enemies? This will be the death of me This will be the death of me All is fair in love and war, but I can't fight with you anymore This will be the death of me"

"What happens now? Do we have another go? Do we bow out and take our separate roads? I'll admit I've had my doubts But I want to be let in, not out[..]"

Nothing's New by Rio Romeo. Ohhh my gods yeah. I like angst with them very often sorry guys. Octavian's perspective, rocky times w them. Not much more to elaborate on methinks.

"I want to be touched, be loved I wanna heal, be hugged It's just the two of us Or that's what we swore And if I lost my charm Apologies due, no harm Cause you got ahold of my heart And I know it's worn"

"I want to be close to you But I don't know what to do 'Cause if we are near to through It may make it worse And if I start to grieve 'Cause it feels like you're 'bout to leave Forgive me, I'm not naive I've been here before"

Tongues & Teeth by The Crane Wives. Oh my gods. No thoughts just Octavian warning Mike that he's flawed and despite the fact that Mike is fine with that and wants to help him, he [Octavian] just knows it wont end well.

"I've grown a mouth so sharp and cruel It's all I can give to you, my dear"

"And I know you mean so well But I am not a vessel for your good intent"

"Desperation will erase the fact I'm keeping all Of the answers in my cigarette box Yeah the answer's in the second before the other shoe drops[...]"

Octavian specifically!(a lot of these r like him and his relationships with other charavters);

Brutus - The Buttress. OCTAVIAN TALKING ABOUT JASON AND ABOUT THE GIANT WAR/HIS DEATH HELLO YOU ALL SEE MY VISION YES. I almost cited the entire thng but. just listen to it the ENTIRE THING WORKS!! i have literally no intelligent way to explain said thoughts i just. take these mid observations

"Or am I just wishing I could be like you? That the people would see me too as a poet, And not just the muse. Oh, it's not true, I don't wish harm upon you From birth we've been like brothers from different mothers Within the spirit of the same womb May the Gods strike me down if I forsake you, Frater meus, you're beautifully made And to you I'm forever grateful[...]"

"I know the love you showed me came from a pure and noble heart I love you, and if you want, I'll call you king But why do I lie awake each night thinking 'instead of you, it should be me?' "

^^ugh on the topic of how he feels about jason's status. i think he would feel a weird sort of jealousy, and a lot of that would be distressing because he likes jason. its not jasons fault that he has the acomplishments octavian wants. but he's human and that comes with loathing.

"Something wicked this way comes And as I set to face it, I'm unsure Should I embrace it, should I run? What motivates me? Hatred? Is it love? What's more wrong; that I too wish to be great Or my mother wished she'd had a son? And even if I can't be the one Maybe I could at least help make way for him Until the day that he comes Maybe my name could also be known That I helped return good to the people And restored greatness to Rome."

^^all just about the giant war. oh my gods this boys desire to save his city. ALSO THE 'wished she'd had a son' LINE. cheering and clapping as a trans octavian truther (literally either way. it works either way transfem and transmasc octavian truthers unite)

"So with a heavy heart I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my enemy My whole life, you were a teacher and friend to me Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy I, too, have a destiny This death will be art The people will speak of this day from near and afar This event will be history, and I'll be great too I don't want what you have, I want to be you"

'goodbye, traitor Jason Grace!' ahh lyrics. oh hell he makes me ill.

"I always knew I could be the one Though I feel the endless pain of being And I am scorched by the Sun Of humble origins and born of the cursed sex My name is Brutus, but the people will call me Rex"

mmmm. something something prophet of apollo. something something transgender my brain is radio static.

now. heres a few where i really dont know how to draw any specific connections between him and the lyrics just. sort of themes which i apply to octavian. all of the songs are good listens though imo (especially wannabe which is SO UNDERATED AND SO GOOD)

Wannabe, Pt. 2 - North Bloom

Saint Bernard - Lincoln

Flight of The Crows - Jhariah

CHOKE - IDKHBTFM

A Mask of My Own Face - Lemon Demon

I Am Not a Robot - MARINA

Teen Idle - MARINA

Under My Skin - Jukebox The Ghost

Migraine - Twenty One Pilots

THANKYOU SO MUXH FOR THIS ASK I LOVED MAKING THIS POST

#asks #anonymous #damien shut up challenge #octavian hoo #michael kahale #octavian x michael kahale #octkahale #michael x octavian #riordanverse #jason grace #sort of

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natsmagi · 1 year

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I love ur art!!!! really its so gorgeous and the style brings me sm joy, its so soft and cute!! and ofc fem ntsmg is THE GOAT!!!!!!

BUT I JUST WANNA ALSO SHOW APPRECIATION FOR HOW U ANSWER ASKS AND STUFF AND IDK JUST UR WHOLE PERSONALITY IN GENERAL?? I love reading ur text posts especially when u kinda analyze the characters and stuff like its so fun to read and tbh, both natsume and tsumugi are characters that I feel are often mischaracterized in the fandom, and like idk I feel like u get them so perfectly and its sooo !??!?! Awesome getting to read ur awesome takes when new events come out and stuff like YOURE SO RIGHT ABT EVERYTHING, i be reading ur posts and going "you!!! YOU FUCKING GET IT!!!!!!!!!!" *happy stimming*

if you honestly did like a proper character analysis for them one day just now i would be so here for it and read it over and over again probably. Im currently hyperfixating RLY HARD on ntsmg so sometimes i just go through ur entire text post/ask tag and read everything over and over again 😭😭😭 I JUST LOVE THIS BLOG IN GENERAL KEEP DOING WHAT YOURE DOING, YOURE ABSOLUTELY AWESOME AND VERY MUCH BASED USER NATSMAGI!!!!♥️♥️♥️♥️

OIUGOHGOOHH OH MY GODDDDD ANONNNNNNNN THIS IS SO SWEET I HARDLY EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAYYYYYYY 😭😭😭😭 THANK YOU SO MUCH U HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME 🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

im a very chatty person so im very glad u like hearing what i have to say 🥺!!! and im glad u like my personality too since i feel i can come off as harsh or arrogant sometimes AKJHFSKJH THOUGH TBF I DO TRY MY BEST TO BE KIND......

ID LOOOVE TO ANALYZE NTMG MORE !!! main reason i dont do it as often or hold myself back a bit is because admittedly its been a While since i read alot of the stories, a majority of which i have only read once, and when i make actually Proper analyzes i like to have reread the material and see if i maybe misinterpreted something on my first read or am misremembering, bc when given new info other interactions can be read differently and all that. and i also wanna actually do them justice and not accidentally spread misinfo AJHSFKJH AND I UNFORTUNATELY HAVENT HAD THE TIME NOR ENERGY TO DO THIS </3 but even without remembering every single piece of dialogue verbatim i like to think my grasp on them is still somewhat decent, and im very glad u like my interpretations 🥺❤️

it always makes me so incredibly happy when people view the characters similarly to me aswell bc like u mentioned they Are kinda prone to getting mischaracterized in some ways...... i think it mainly comes from both natsume and tsumugi having MANY factors to their characters though, and the mischaracterization comes from only highlighting one aspect of them and failing to think about how their different attributes overlap (although this can probably be said for the entire cast tbh). like an easy example that im sure everyone gets by now is natsumes little tsundereisms. if you only focus on him being rude to tsumugi it can look like hes just some edgy guy with anger management issues, but when you take into account other factors such as him having a rather spoiled upbringing both by his parents and nii-sans, and his distaste towards feeling "weak" (also caused by his upbringing, since he was frail as a child and raised as a girl) you start to see that oh. alot of that is just him being defensive and emotionally immature. since he had such a comfortable upbringing those hints of discomfort and vulnerability are threatening to him as someone who always had everything handed to him. and when you dont know how to deal with situations like that ASWELL as being afraid of being seen as "weak" youre Gonna start resorting to harsher words and sometimes even get physical because you have no clue how else to handle this. its also why the natsumes character consists of him being pretty obsessed with "growing up" and "not being a kid anymore," because he knows how immature he could be SKHDGJH he doesnt have bad intentions he just. doesnt know how to be vulnerable with people

#IM VERY GLAD U LIKE MY THOUGHTS SO MUCH AWAWA #THESE LIL GUYS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME SO IT ALWAYS MAKES ME VERY HAPPY WHEN I GET TO TALK ABOUT THEM WITH PEOPLE...........#❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#ask

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honsoolie · 4 years

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don’t rush | 02

pairing: Yoongi/reader

genre: slight enemies to lovers, college au, fluff, eventual smut, classical pianist!yoongi, violinist!reader, they’re both actually really into each other but won’t admit it

warnings (for this chapter only): mentions of stage fright/performance anxiety, swearing, sexual references, slight angst, dad jokes :|

words: 6k

rating: +18

summary: You know, when Min Yoongi’s face isn’t screwed into an accusatory scowl, he looks exactly like the kind of guy you’d have no trouble falling in love with. Or, the conservatory au where Yoongi helps you get over your stage fright. In more ways than one.

a/n: didn’t plan to take this long for an update, life gets in the way, you know the drill. read 01 here and as always, this is crossposted to ao3 :)

When you get inside, the warmth welcomes you in. You’re not quite sure if it’s from the heating in the hallway or how Yoongi’s eyes had shone in the moonlight. You lean against the inner door frame, a happy smile tugging at the corners of your mouth, legs a little weak in the knee. You feel light-headed, maybe from being up late, maybe from your exhausting day, maybe from the lingering remnants of Yoongi’s cologne.

Did that really just happen? Did he really just ask for your number? Was this all a dream?

The euphoria is short-lasting, however. You still have some assignments waiting for you, and only a couple hours left until your morning classes. The tiredness never lets up, and your limbs heavy again as you make your way inside the lobby of your dorm.

Unknown number (2:47am): hi this is yoongi

Unknown number (2:47am): did you get inside ok?

You (2:48am): yeah

You (2:48am): did u?

Yoongi (2:50am): im walking back now

Yoongi (2:50am): you should sleep soon ://

You (2:51am): I still have hw :(

You (2:51am): text me when ur back inside too

Yoongi (2:53am): lmaoo is it counterpoint hw

Yoongi (2:54am): it’s so sweet that you care for my safety ;(

You (2:54am): yes sadly

You (2:55am): ofc I care, we can’t have our amazing star pianist get hurt

Yoongi (2:55am): im home now

Yoongi (2:58am): you have a thing for praise, don’t you

Even though you can’t see him, you splutter alone in your room, roommate fast asleep. There is no way that means what you think it means.

You (3:00am): idk where u got that from

You (3:03am): maybe i do, you’ll have to find out

Yoongi (3:04am): I would, but you have to finish your analysis worksheet :/

You (3:15am): ugh, fuck it

You (3:15am): im going to sleep

You (3:15am): ill just wake up early tomorrow to finish it before class

Yoongi (3:16am): what? No goodnight? >:(

Yoongi (3:17am): some manners you have

Yoongi (3:17am): what a rude girl

You (3:18am): aw have i been bad?

You (3:18am): I’m sooooo sorry

You (3:19am): gn

The minutes tick by, and you grow more indignant than you should. Is he serious?

Who doesn’t say goodnight back? Maybe you scared him off. Maybe all this “flirtatious” banter was just how Yoongi talked to his friends. How would you know? You don’t know anything about him.

The same insidious doubt creeps back in. Maybe this is all a game to him. Maybe he just wanted to introduce himself to another music student in the department, you all were supposed to know each other anyway. Maybe, worst of all, he had really only meant to wake you up in the music building as a simple courtesy, no intent behind it. You groan as you sink into your bed, cradling your head in your hands.

You (3:27am): some hypocrite you are

Yoongi (3:30am): I was in the showerrr relax

Yoongi (3:31am): hm you have been bad

Yoongi (3:33am): maybe I should punish you

You (3:29am): u wish

You (3:30am): but goodnight for real, we have class in five hours :”(

Yoongi (3:31am): goodnight

Yoongi (3:31am): save me a spot next to you

You were in the world’s smallest big crisis.

Was Yoongi actually serious when he asked you to save a seat? Or were you just indulging in wishful thinking? Was he flirting with you last night? And if he was, what are you supposed to do now?

Whatever he meant, you would have to face him now.

The endless litany of maybes and what-ifs grows louder in your head, even louder than last night during your text correspondence with him.You elect to use your backpack to save the seat next to you as class time draws nearer, chiding yourself for overthinking something so casual, but it does nothing to soothe your existential anxiety.

“Thanks for saving me a spot, I’m so glad you remembered.” A voice brings you out of your reverie. It takes a moment to register who it is at first. Your eyes meet the traditional college garb first, sweatpants and an overwashed fundraising t-shirt, then the half-tamed cowlick, that ever-present cup of coffee. Your breath catches in your throat, breathtaking despite the casual circumstances. It’s just another class lecture, you chastise yourself, but your gut twists nonetheless.

Seeing Yoongi in such close quarters is still an adjustment for you, his presence (or even the thought of being close to him) a shock to your body. You had spent so much time languishing after him that even now, it still feels like waking up into a dream.

You clear your throat, stalling, “Yeah, putting my backpack in the seat next to mine was sooo hard. You should compensate me for my labor.”

You try to put on the flirty smile that you were wearing last night, but it feels like a grimace. God, you are way too nervous for this.

You realize you’ll never get tired of the way he laughs at your shitty jokes, the way his shoulders shake and eyes crinkle at the corners.

“Yeah, I will, don’t you worry about that.” He sinks into the seat next to you and doesn’t spare you a second glance.

Dr. Won walks in, the picture of put-togetherness, killing whatever flirty response you had formulated.

You thought you had enjoyed having a crush before, but admiring someone and imagining a life together from afar was worlds away from talking and sitting next to said object of affection. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. You shouldn’t be tripping all over yourself when Yoongi sits next to you in lecture.

Whatever Dr. Won is saying is drowned out by Yoongi sitting next to you. It feels deeply unfair how he affects you, when he gets to sit next to you like nothing important is happening. It’s just another day in lecture, preparing for the midterms coming up.

He’s not even doing anything, minding his own business. You shouldn’t be swooning when he is just sitting there, again bouncing his leg, taking diligent notes. From the furtive glances you steal, even his handwriting is attractive. Endearing, even if it was a little messy and looping over the printed lines.

True fact: the only reason why Yoongi fidgets so much is because of the effect you had on him. It drives him up the wall, the way you keep tucking your hair behind your ear. He envies your unfaltering concentration, the look in your eye when you see something on the Powerpoint slides that you have to jot down.

Yoongi can’t stand to silently sit next to you without doing anything anymore. Taking his pen, he scrawls on the corner of your neat notes. He knows it’ll piss you off, but that’s the reaction that he wants.

do you have any idea what is going on

He watches carefully for your reaction. Satisfaction creeps into his neutral expression when you notice, confusion turning into what could only be a lovestruck smile, and then into an irritated grimace. Fuck, even the curve of your wrist was enough to drive him crazy. You pick up your pen, writing back.

No, stop writing on my stuff

Okay, new plan, Yoongi concedes. He settles for writing on the corner of his own notes, tearing off the corner. He slips the paper into your lap, fingertips skimming the top of your thigh. He doesn’t notice, but he leaves a trail of goosebumps in his wake.

don’t you think dr. won dresses like an old hag

You write back on the scrap of paper:

actually you could learn a thing or two from her

Yoongi smirks, in classic Yoongi fashion.

You know I would rock a long skirt like her

Yoongi watches you read his message, smile, and then tuck the note into your notebook.

After class, Dr. Won reminds everyone of the midterm coming up two weeks from now, and that’s when Yoongi senses an opportunity. The two of you walk out of class together, forced to walk side by side because of the student foot traffic.

“Do you like, want to study together sometime?” Yoongi blurts out, louder than he needs to be, even among the hum of the other students.

He clears his throat. “I mean, we’ve shared a lot of classes, so.”

You can’t help but laugh in surprise, or maybe incredulousness. You resist the urge to let the satisfaction show on your face. “I didn’t know you ever noticed.”

“Of course I did. You’re like, the biggest nerd on the planet.” Even when Yoongi is teasing you, he can’t help but sound bashful.

You gasp in mock offense. “There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd.” You both stop, standing at the mouth of the lecture hall.

“Of course not.” He’s awfully close to you, close enough that you can see the mole on the tip of his nose. “That’s why I’m asking you to be my study buddy.”

It’s not necessary to be standing this close. Sure, the hallway is busy, but not that busy.

“Study buddy? That sounds lame.” You scoff, playing hard to get. Both you and Yoongi know you’re going to say yes anyway.

“What else do you want me to call you? My homework homie?”

“Uh, yeah . That sounds way better than study buddy. ” You’re more proud of your humor than anything else, even if it earns a deserved eye-roll from Yoongi.

“And midterms are coming up. So you know, mutually beneficial.” Yoongi takes a sip from his coffee, peering at you from behind the rim.

“Like… friends with benefits?” You can’t help yourself. It’s just too easy to flirt with him.

Yoongi tongues his cheek, he grins. “Only if you want it to be.” He’s having way too much fun with this.

You try to hide your reaction, but Yoongi notices anyway. (He notices a lot of things you don’t realize.) Your wide-eyed shock, the blush that’s flushing down your neck, the way you open your mouth as if to say something equally as flirtatious back, your laugh, like this is actually way more casual than it is.

“So I’ll take that as a yes,” He says. You could get used to the playful lilt in his voice.

“Only if you promise you won’t just copy my work.” You cross your arms in front of your chest, suddenly very aware of how tall he is.

“I live and die by the honor code, y/n. Of course I won’t,” Yoongi says, leaning ever closer to you in the cramped hallway.

You quirk an eyebrow. “Does a man of honor text me like you did last night?”

“Oh come on. If you’re going to be friends with me you’re going to have to learn to laugh at dirty humor.” Friends? It’s a start, at least.

“Who said that I didn’t like dirty humor?”

“Hmm, I did.” There’s a glint in his eyes that wasn't there before. “You’d have to be a woman of your word and show me.”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” You flash an innocent smile, like you don’t see the implication of what he’s saying.

Tuesdays have always been the most bittersweet day of the week for you. It’s lesson day, but oh, it’s lesson day. It feels like the day of judgement, every single week. It’s a culmination of all the blood and tears that you’ve poured into your music in the past week, another chance at evaluation. You’ve known your violin teacher longer than you’ve been in college, and it still shouldn’t scare you this much.

The nervousness spins and dips in your chest as you make your way up the winding stairs that lead to the music building. You usually soothe the apprehension by reminding yourself of all the things you’ve done to prepare, just like you usually do before you go out on stage. This week you were supposed to get the rest of the Bach partita memorized and cleaned up, but it still resides in your memory as disjointed bits and pieces of what it’s actually supposed to sound like. You try to run through the parts that you were stuck on last night, but you draw a blank. You usually don’t take this long to commit pieces to memory, but when you open up your score, all you can think about is the unmoving stare of the audience. Seeing your life flash before your eyes every time you stare at your pencil markings isn’t exactly conducive to productive practice sessions.

As you retrieve your violin from your locker and make your way to the practice room, you feel like you’re preparing yourself for your own undoing—every scale, every tick of the metronome—another step towards your demise.

It shouldn’t be this serious, but the pitter-pattering of your heart says otherwise. You glance at the clock. It’s time. You pack up now, so you have a couple extra minutes to wait solemnly outside of her office, staring at the posters that advertise the professionals who come to perform concerts at your college. Next week, a pianist and violinist duo is coming. In the picture, they’re smiling proudly next to a Steinway piano. They look proud of themselves. They probably don’t feel like they’re allergic to the stage, probably live for the audience’s applause. That’s probably how they ended up there on the poster, after all.

Your violin teacher isn’t scary. She’s a homey, lovely old woman whose wrinkles come from a lifetime of smiling. She’s the type to bring you sweet, homemade pastries that are almost as warm as her hugs during the toughest parts of the semester. Which makes the moments when she’s unhappy all the more painful. It’s not her fear that plagues you, but disappointment.

The door clicks open, and you have no more time to ponder your failures as a musician. You gather your things and head inside. Nothing inside her office has changed since the previous week. The same teetering stack of well-loved method books sits on her chair, the same humidifier whirring steadily in the corner, the same Dr. Kim Hyung-Seo sitting on the piano bench.

“Good afternoon, y/n! How’s the Bach coming along?” She asks, like you haven’t spent the past week treating this piece like your mortal enemy. She takes a sip of her warm chamomile tea, from the same snowman-shaped mug that she’s used every week, because she is that endearing. In another life, she would probably be your grandmother.

“Good morning. Ah, you know…” You trail off and gesture into the air, trying to hide your grimace. How could you possibly describe the unease and unsureness around performing without crossing some kind of professional boundary?

“Let’s hear it, it’s okay. Are you all warmed up?” You nod as you unpack your things again. As you move to put the Bach score on the music stand, she tuts.

“Didn’t we agree that this would be memorized last week?” Dr. Kim flips through her lesson notes, inky blue scrawling over the pages. “Yeah, it should be memorized. Close the score, darling.” Usually, when Dr. Kim calls you darling, warmth unfurls in your chest and you beam. You’re not feeling particularly warm right now.

“Ah, okay…” With slow reluctance, you close the score, the plain paper cover mocking you. You lift your bow to your violin, and shut your eyes. You don’t want to watch this.

Yoongi (4:38pm): Hey

Yoongi (4:38pm): wanna study tonight :]

If there’s anything Yoongi is good at, it’s having perfect timing. You half-walk, half-run out of the music building, sucking frigid air into your lungs. The cold weather seems to force the tears back into your eyes. If there was ever a worst-case scenario for how a lesson could go, then that was what just played out in the music room.

Shutting your eyes won’t stop the barrage of images, playing the world’s cruelest slideshow behind your eyelids. Your teacher’s pursed lips, the still fingers clasped over her mug, the pinched brow.

“y/n, we don’t have much more time to clean it up…” Her words echo in your head. “We’ll try again next week…” The disappointment was the worst thing, the downward tone in her voice. “I expected better…”

You (5:15pm): maybe

You (5:15pm): what time?

Yoongi (5:20pm): like now

Yoongi (5:23pm): are you busy?

You (5:25pm): no I just finished up a lesson

You (5:26pm): i’m about to study in the library if you want to join me

Yoongi (5:30pm): I don’t want to go to the library :(

You (5:31pm): why not

Yoongi (5:32pm): if I feed you dinner will you come to my apartment

Yoongi (5:33pm): I really don’t want to walk to the library it’s too damn cold

After all, the best way to a woman's heart is through her stomach.

You (5:35pm): fine

You (5:35pm): it better be a hell of a dinner

Yoongi (5:36pm): of course it will

Yoongi sends you his location, and you’re walking as fast as you can through the campus to make it to his apartment before you can freeze your fingers off.

Yoongi’s expression is nothing short of scandalized when you show up at his door. It’s a typical mouse hole apartment, his front door identical to all the other ones that you’d passed to get here.

“You’re not wearing gloves? In this weather?”

“I don’t have any…” You rasp out. You’re tired. Your throat hurts from trying to hold tears back during your entire lesson, and you have no spirit left to give Yoongi an innuendo-laced comeback.

I expected better.

“Oh my god, you’ve been playing violin for how many years and nobody ever told you to wear gloves when it’s cold?” He leads you inside, the warmth abating the cold that’s wormed its way underneath your clothes and into your bones.

“For God’s sake, y/n, hasn’t anyone ever told you about the importance of blood circulation?” Yoongi clasps your hands between his, rubbing and blowing air on them to warm them up. He doesn’t notice your surprise amid his chastising, muttering something about common sense. You don’t try to keep your guard up this time, just trying to bite tears back at the mention of musicianship. The firm press of his hands grounds you.

“There.” He smiles, proud of himself. “Warm now?”

Oh yeah, you’re definitely warm. In every dimension of the word. But you don’t tell him that, so you settle for a weak nod.

“You can put your stuff there. I’m hungry now, let’s eat first?” You hum in affirmation as you settle your heavy backpack on his cramped couch.

It turns out that Min Yoongi’s idea of gourmet cooking is heating up two freezer-burnt Hot Pockets while you watch him putter around the tiny kitchenette. This is the first time you’ve ever seen him without his glasses, and this is when you finally internalize that Yoongi will always look good no matter what he does or wears or says.

“You made it seem like you were cooking,” You say, just to fill the silence.

“Uhhhh, I don’t know who told you I was capable of cooking, but they were wrong. I can show you a good time in other ways, no?”

You snort.

In hopes of saving time, he microwaves both of Hot Pockets at the same time. You silently bristle at the fact that even your dinner is getting more action than you are these days.

You and Yoongi eat together in his tiny living room, sitting on mismatched stools.

“How did your lesson go?” Yoongi says, more focused on eating than on you.

“Oh…” You set your Hot Pocket down, sighing in defeat. The image of Dr. Kim sitting behind the piano bench, her dissatisfaction like a noxious cloud. “I… I… got ripped apart. I’m a little behind with preparing for the Bach festival, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do or prepare will make me less stressed about it.” You slump onto the counter, recounting all the things you did wrong in your lesson today. I expected better.

“What’s the stress about? We still have over a month, right?” You’re suddenly jealous of Yoongi. His nonchalance, his seemingly constant reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

“I’m not worried about that… just, no matter how much I practice, I’m gonna fuck it up on stage.” Your forehead pinches in frustration.

“Are you that nervous?”

“I’ve always been this nervous. For any performance. I haven’t performed alone in a while… and you know. It’s Bach, and everyone expects me to do some amazing job, and it’s like, I don’t know if I can deliver that and-” Yoongi eases his hand on your shoulder, calm, reassuring. He looks concerned. Like he cares. Like a friend.

“When was the last time you played something just for the fun of it?”

“I don’t know, maybe my freshman year? I used to arrange themes from movies.”

“We should work on something together, just for fun. We’re such a perfect instrument combo, there’s so much repertoire for violin and piano.”

“What did you have in mind? Do you even have enough time for that?” (You know you don’t have enough time for that.)

“It doesn’t even have to be a difficult piece. It could be something easy or hard, I don’t care.” Yoongi ponders his next words over a bite of his food. “I… I... just want to see you less stressed out. And music should always be fun, not just for a grade. What kind of music would you be making if you weren’t happy?”

“I don’t know…”

“I know this one Brahms piece that I think you’d like. Totally fits your vibe. We can just work on it slowly, you know? Or we could arrange the Anpanman theme song, I don’t care.”

“I think I’m mostly good for the midterm, except for the composer dates,” Yoongi spins around in his office chair, dragging his feet on the ground.

“Me too,” You say, as you drink in the sight of his room. For someone who claims to abhor studying and all things academic, Yoongi appears to be quite the organized student. Despite the constant claim that his education is merely a necessary evil, he keeps his notes organized in uniform binders on a well-cared for bookshelf. The bookshelf is adjacent to the extremely detailed wall calendar, marked full with due dates and deadlines in pens of various colors.

He runs his fingers over the binders to locate the binder allocated to the species counterpoint class you’re taking together.

“I already have flashcards for everything before the Romantic Era, but I’m so fucked for everything else.”

“Why not just use Quizlet like everyone else?” You say. You eye his neatly made bed and the Kumamon stuffed animal shoved hastily underneath it.

“Back in my day, we used flashcards like cavemen,” Yoongi reasons, despite the fact that your birthdays are months within each other. “And besides, they feel better in your hand.” Of course, they’re indexed by color and musical era.

“Ugh, I hate sitting at my desk. My back is starting to hurt,” Yoongi says, despite having worked for about ten minutes. “Do you want to lay down?” He pats the fluffy comforter adjacent to him. Yoongi doesn’t wait for your response however, plopping down on the bed with an audible thump.

“Okay, old man,” You jibe, but you’ve also been sitting for a majority of the day. Your back is aching too, but you’ll never admit it to him.

Sometimes, at times like these, you wish you could just muster up the courage and stop playing this game of cat and mouse with him. When you lay on his sheets that smell like him, quizzing each other, you wonder what would happen if you confessed your feelings for him, right then and there.

Or outlined exactly how exactly you would take his cock in your mouth, given the chance. Other times, you consider the fact that he might like to play with his food before diving in. Whatever it was, it scared you, the unease climbing up your spine and staying put.

You wonder if he understands the implication of you so casually lounging on his bed, but then you realize that you likely don’t exist in the realm of romantic possibilities for him. He likely sees you as the nerdy, sexless violinist that spends all her time slaving away in the practice room or the library. That’s why you’re here, after all. To help study for the midterms coming up. “Being friends with him is better than nothing,” you tell yourself, but you can’t really bring yourself to believe it.

You don’t remember, or at least don’t care to, when Yoongi started touching every aspect of your life. It’s really only been a couple of weeks since the two of you started studying together. You don’t dare to imagine how much of your thoughts he would occupy if you continue your friendship into the coming months. If your crush of massive proportions was bad before, it’s truly out of hand now. It certainly didn’t help that he actually knew you existed now. He spammed you gifs of baby animals while he was on the way to class, texted you links to performances of pieces that he was working on. He even began to send you teasing texts on the mornings that he made it to the practice rooms before you.

Every experience you have is colored by thoughts of him. The coffee that you drink like ambrosia conjures up images of him sitting across from you in some far-off sunlit cafe, laughing at all your jokes. On the nights when sleep escapes you, you lay awake rehashing over and over what you had said to him on the previous day. You even fall into reveries when he’s sitting there right next to you.

It’s inescapable, especially with the Bach Festival looming over your head. The more time you spend in the practice room, the more you go back to that one fateful night. You can still see the image of him now, sitting before the piano, playing Chopsticks.

You both make your way through the fat deck of flashcards, Yoongi quizzing you first.

“J.S. Bach?” You note to yourself even the upswing in his voice was cute. How did you ever let yourself get so whipped?

“1685 to…” You falter, still stuck on his voice. Even his voice drives you crazy.

“Come on, you should know this.” He drives his point home by poking you in the side, and he likes the gasp that you make.

“1750.” Of course you know Bach’s birth and death dates by heart. You see it every time you open up your score. Even the scant prod he gave you in the side, over your clothes, is enough to make your skin heat up.

“And if you ever tickle me again, you won’t live long enough for midterms,” You threaten, but your harsh tone of voice doesn’t reach the light in your eyes.

“Brahms?”

“Ugh, fuck, I don’t know. 1832 to?”

“Wrong.” He sets the cards down next to him, looking at you in mock disappointment. In an instant, he attacks you with tickles, and your efforts to bat him away are fruitless.

“This-this is what you get for not knowing when Brahms was born! Learn through punishment! 1833 to 1897, remember that next time!!” He collapses on top of you, burying his face in your neck, unrelenting. Yoongi sounds almost gleeful in your torture.

You writhe under his touch, and for all the wrong reasons.

For the first time in your life, you’re almost glad you’re ticklish. Your eyes roll back into your head, not of your own accord. It’s too much, the soft skin of his cheek pressed up against your neck, the warm weight of his body against yours, the way his legs cage you in. A moan slips in between your helpless giggles, and Yoongi doesn’t miss it.

“Uhhh, what was that?” He doesn’t stop, merciless in his advance. “I didn’t know you liked tickling… like that.” He’s teasing you, now. He can’t hide his pleased grin.

Between gasps, you manage to pant, “I… don’t…”

“Then what? Tell me.” That’s when Yoongi relents, leaning back. He continues to straddle you, because he’s cruel like that. (And because he likes it too.)

“You’re just… ugh, I don’t know… so close.” In Yoongi’s eyes, you’re a study in debauchery. From your struggle, your hair is mussed, the hem of your shirt awry. Your cheeks are flushed, from embarrassment or from the tickling, you don’t know. Your chest frantically rises and falls, trying to regain your breath.

You, on the other hand, feel fucking ridiculous. Contrary to popular belief, being on the recieving end of tickling is fucking physically exhausting.

Yoongi is stuck on the hot and bothered look on your face, except for the hard look in your eye. You despise being tickled, even if it is Min Yoongi doing the tickling. He wonders what you’d look like if you were underneath him in… different circumstances.

Would it compare?

“I… I… I just…” You avert your gaze now, hiding your face behind your hands. You can’t stand to look at him right now.

“Spill it, or I’ll go back to tickling you until you break.” He grabs your hands away from your face, pinning them next to your head.

He really isn’t going to make this easy for you, is he.

This is overwhelming. The eye contact is too much. The weight of his hands on your wrists, holding you down, is too much. The way his panting breath tickles the skin beneath your collar is too much. You’ve had a bad day, the voice in the back of your head whispers. He makes you forget how awful this semester has been. He makes you feel better. Make this day easier on yourself. Just give in.

There’s no hiding it now, you concede.

You shut your eyes, unable to face him. “It’s just… been a while.”

“Uh-huh. Continue?” He places his hands back on your stomach, as if in warning.

“Since uhhhh… I’ve done… anything… with anyone…” Your words hang heavy in the air. Your secret is out.

He laughs. He really has the audacity to laugh.

“Shut up! I’m just like, touch starved, okay?” You’re definitely just blushing out of embarrassment, at this point.

Yoongi starts to ponder if he crossed too far of a line, but you continue anyway. You huff, indignant and desperate to cover your ass. This is not how you ever imagined telling Yoongi you were ever interested in him, sexual or not.

“Not everyone is like, the campus pussy magnet and gets to fuck whenever they want,” You say.

He rolls his eyes. “Okay, I’m not the campus pussy magnet. We’re... not so different. I haven’t been with anyone, um, in a while.” Now Yoongi takes his turn to blush and stutter. He does that thing he always does when he’s nervous, runs a hand through his hair and lets it rest on the nape of his neck.

“I find that hard to believe. No need to lie out of pity. Like, come on. Look at you. You’re all…” You gesture down his body, “And you have that whole vibe going on, and you’re tall, and you have good taste in cologne, and-and-and you play the piano , and ugh. You should know that by now.” You babble on. You’re not that good at keeping secrets, anyway. Might as well let the cat out of the bag while you’re at it.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, but you’re not fazed. By now, you’re used to the long silences that elapse when you’re with him. You wait for him to talk first, just so you can discreetly enjoy the feeling of him straddling you for a little longer. You try to pass off the silence as you quietly fuming at him for calling out your lackluster sex life, but you’re really just trying get yourself together.

Then he starts laughing. Again.

“What are you laughing for now?” Your brow furrows in frustration.

“Nothing, nothing, don’t be mad. I just didn’t think that tickling would be a turn on for you.”

“It’s not!”

“To be completely honest with you, you look like one of those really innocent soft girls on the outside but you’re actually like, into choking and have a secret sex dungeon.” He doesn’t seem to care that you’ve all but revealed your massive, terminal crush on him.

You sigh, but you’re just glad he gave you something to fire back with.

“You and I both know that the university dorms are too small for a sex dungeon, Yoongi. I can’t even have candles in my room. What sex dungeon is complete without candles?”

“Oh, a devil in the details. The ambiance is important, I see…” That devious smile of his makes a comeback.

“Oh, shut up. Give me the flashcards, four-eyes.” He relinquishes the flashcards, but he still continues to straddle you.

“Woah, there’s no need to insult my glasses.”

You ignore him, desperate to move on from your momentary lapse in judgement. “Haydn?”

“1732 to 1809. What about music? Music must be important if you care about the ambiance. Answer my question.”

You laugh to cover up how worked up you are. “Maybe you can find out after we finish reviewing. Scarlatti?”

“1660 to 1725. What kind of music do you listen to? R&B, something sexy?” He sits up now, spurred on by your refusal to answer his questions.

“Or do you listen to classical music then, too? Does Chopin get your blood flowing?” He’s being insufferable now.

You groan into the pillow. “Yoongiii, let’s focus.”

“If it’s something like Liszt, I’m sure I have a couple recommendations.”

Yoongi sits up straighter, waggles his eyebrows in a way you definitely shouldn’t find endearing. “Or, I could record something for you…”

You snap. “Just, I don’t know, sometimes I listen to music?” Your attempts to stop the blushing are in vain, heat blooming across your cheeks and down your neck. It’s even harder to stop when it’s your embarrassingly short sexual history on the line.

“I prefer dirty talk anyways…” You murmur under your breath, wishing he could just get the fuck off your case. The more he keeps talking about things like this, in that tone of voice, the harder it’s going to get to keep your ever-growing crush a secret.

Still, some small part (let’s be honest, the monkey brain part of you) of you, the part of you that aches for him, wants to spur him on.

“What was that?”

“Nothing! Nothing.”

“Hmm… something about dirty talk?” Fuck, does Yoongi have a good ear. He smiles. He knows he’s gotten you now.

Okay, you should probably admit to yourself that he’s flirting with you now. The touches, the holding you down, the insistence on pushing this tiny matter, it all adds up. And the math says that Min Yoongi is flirting with you.

“Mmm, nothing.” You snuggle a little deeper into his bedsheets, playing coy.

“You know, like during sex? Don’t make me tickle you again, because I will stoop that low.”

“I don’t remember saying that…” You mock-pretend to ponder his question, catch your bottom lip between your teeth. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see his gaze fall downward. You know you’ve gotten him now.

“Can you refresh my memory?”

“Like… you know.” He shrugs.

“I’m an auditory learner. Do you have an example?”

“Hmm, let me think… I’ll tease you until you’re begging for me to touch you properly? Does that ring a bell for you?”

“No…” You bring your hands to your face to cover up your blush, and because you can’t stand to look at him. Not when he’s talking to you like that, with that look in his eye, his hands on your body. “It doesn’t…” You laugh, even beneath his weight.

He laughs. “I’m just teasing. You’re so cute when I get a rise out of you.”

Oh.

#armywriterssupport #btsgoldnet #yoongi smut #bts smut #yoongi fanfic #yoongi scenarios #bts fanfic #bts scenarios #bts #bts x reader

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blookmallow · 4 years

Text

aaaand goodbye teruteru

------

the what now

I GOT STUCK HERE FOR SO FUCKING LONG BC THEY GIVE YOU THIS. PILE OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE INSTRUCTIONS AND THEN NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE

in dr1 they had a similar mechanic where you had to hit the buttons at the right tempo to knock out their statements, which was also confusing but i was starting to get decently good at it by the end of the game, but in this one the timing is TOTALLY OFF and i kept missing every single one and couldn’t figure out why, then realized it worked sometimes if i held down the button instead of just clicking it like you do in dr1 (which they didn’t explain!!! in this one!!!) but eventually figured out if i just like. double clicked on the beat i could break them for some reason. i dont know why. it works and i cannot explain how

but then at the end when you reach the final strike, you have to put together a phrase out of four words to refute “where could the weapon have been?” and i was CONVINCED it was “On The Meat Bone” (even though technically it was hidden In the bone i guess) and i didnt realize i had the phrase wrong and thought i just wasn’t hitting it correctly for some reason so i failed this like 6 times before i finally realized it was MEAT ON THE BONE

i understand owari’s not the type to give a shit probably but do you really wanna eat meat off of the skewer that was very recently repeatedly stabbed into a guy’s abdomen

even if he cleaned it off before he put it back thats still like, fucked up lmao

monokuma took care of it though i guess :’ )

kind of alarming that he’s capable of eating now, but

THANK YOU NANAMI

,,,,ok

I WILL SAY that the final closing sequence is WAY better in sdr2, it’s way way clearer what you’re looking for, the blanks give you hints as to what might go there, the picture options give you descriptions of what you’re looking at (frequently i know exactly what im trying to explain but cant figure out which picture goes where bc they’re just. incomprehensible out of context) and THEY FINALLY FIXED THE SCROLL THING :’)

i dont know if its just broken as hell with a laptop trackpad and maybe it works with a mouse (or maybe it’s just not designed for pc in the first place, this was originally. ps vita or something i think) but the scroll sensitivity was SO broken in dr1 i spent most of my time just trying desperately to scroll to the thing i needed without scrolling past it

i still have that problem when im trying to pick which truth bullet to fire but thats not As bad as this part was in dr1 at least

ok so my bIGGEST PROBLEM WITH ALL THIS, is WHY DIDN’T TERUTERU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS

if he Knew what komaeda was up to (and he did, it’s confirmed right after this) why didn’t he just go tell not-togami right away. even if he thought nobody would believe him, that guy would have taken it very seriously since he already was on his guard and knew there was a threat

i mean i guess like. he saw an opportunity to kill komaeda, which he could feel justified about bc he knew komaeda was already planning a murder, and if he got away with it he could escape but that still means he was willing to sacrifice everyone else

like he does give kind of a weak attempt at asking if it counts as an exception because it was sort of self defense (komaeda couldn’t kill him from where he was but he was gonna kill Someone so he was defending. someone) but he still.... knew komaeda was going to kill somebody and made the choice to just kill him himself without warning anyone or saying Anything and then kept that fact to himself too

back in dr1 again we had this similar situation in the first trial where leon actually was acting in self defense (which is Confirmed in the manga, he doesn’t get a chance to explain it in the game) and didn’t tell anyone but like... none of them knew yet if they could get off on a technicality and we don’t know if he might’ve been hoping for that, and he didn’t know sayaka was dangerous, he didn’t make the conscious decision to go kill her without telling anyone. he probably should have asked someone else for help when she lost it but his intention was to get in there to talk it out, so like. he tried to de-escalate the situation and became a killer by accident, teruteru had plenty of time to get help and decided to kill instead. and “hey byakuya i think komaeda is planning something bad” would have been a completely logical thing to do, he would have taken it seriously and teruteru would be innocent in that scenario, vs “guys i think i just killed sayaka but hear me out i didnt mean to” would NOT have gone over well, nobody’s gonna help him or believe him when it’s Sweet Dear Precious Sayaka, naegi could barely believe she attacked him even when they proved it with evidence

i dont know i feel like teruteru had a lot more intent behind what he did. even if he would have been absolutely fucking justified in killing komaeda and i wish he had done it correctly :’ ) i think the “i dont care about taking everyone else down with him” is way more clear-cut here

anyway, goodbye little bastard man

motherfucker

i still CANNOT follow komaeda’s logic here

he’s obsessed with the Ultimates... and believes in them SOOO Much :) he’s desperate to see them overcoming the ultimate despair... so he’s gotta kill somebody... to induce ultimate despair... so they can overcome it... i GUESS???

wouldn’t defeating monokuma and making it out of here on their own strength without resorting to murder at all be the ultimate hope triumph though. what are you DOING, komaeda

what is W R O N G wiTH YOu

well there he goes

i really wish someone would

P LE ASE DO

AKANE OWARI MY QUEEN

its not. clear but im pretty sure she Did punch him

its a crime that we dont get to see this, but

i mean. she’s right

i B U K I

#lucy plays sdr2

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tayegi · 6 years

Note

I knew it. I fucking knew that you would do that. The whole chapter showed us a stellar example of a beautiful relationship, full of understanding and respect. It was too good to be true. And then you crushed us. I can’t wait to see what happened on that damn date to make JK act that way, what made him so insecure. I’m so immersed in this story, and I love every word of it, but I also know that the time skip and scenes leading up to it will be the end of me. Thank you. 🙏🏻

Anonymous said:Hey, I just finished reading chapter 9 in New rules, and I just have to tell how good of a writer you are. Feel free to delete this ask or not answer it at all if you feel like it's a spoiler, but I just have to say how shocked I was from Jungkook's reaction to the girl's "confession". Like... holy shit! I did not have that coming in my head at all. First I was shocked that she actually went after him. I knew he wasn't gonna agree, but that specific reaction really threw me off.

Anonymous said:Its mentioned numerous times that the OC is cold.The readers know she can be vulnerable and thats because we are reading from her POV. JK can only interpret the OC from her actions and there has been sooo many instances in NR where the OC is the one who pushes JK away. She’s told JK about the rules and she’s never failed to constantly remind him of them. SO in saying that, it’s obvious JK has to be guarded. I don’t get why some people are surprised as to why he acted the way he did at the end.🦋

Anonymous said:I mean both characters seem to keep track of their feelings and I LOVE that. I appreciate the realness (I don't know if that's a word) of the personality of each character. I hate it when a character is oblivious to their feelings, it just seems fake and reflects, in my eyes, the weakness of the writer. That's why I loved it when the girl would freak out if Jungkook seemed sincere and loving, and then would totally relax if he made a sexual move afterwards.

Anonymous said:🦋I also wanted to add and say how much of an amazing writer you are, it’s insane. I absolutely adore you💕

Anonymous said:It shows that she understands how her feelings are going to change if he were being sincere (which I believe he was, but that's not the point). That is why I was surprised by his reaction. He is not stupid! he sees, analyses and understands, and it just blows me away that he decided to respond that way. I would expect that from the girl but not him, and that is why I am so fucking in love with the story, that girl, Jungkook (OF CORSE!) And finally you! Great job.

Anonymous said:And the last thing that I want to add is that, it is very obvious that the girl reflects your actual opinions on sexism, feminism and all of the other social issues adressed in the story. I personally try to educate myself as much as possible on these matters and consider myself to have been raised in a feminist home, but your story and opinions opened my eyes to issues I never thought about... so thank you ❤

Anonymous said:is2g if jimin ends up being another seokjin i am going to scream™ (but at the same time im all for that angst if it does happen cause you write that good shizz and im highkey addicted)

Anonymous said:After reading (and thinking about for days)the latest chapter of NR, I feel like I get jk on a spiritual level. I see him as truly valuing the oc as a friend and loving her platonically. That doesn't make that affection any less valuable or genuine. That being said, I've found myself in situations like this in real life. I've definitely been the Jungkook before. Anyway, just some thoughts. Love and appreciate your hard work always. 💓💖💓💖 Thanks!

Anonymous said:Hi Lu, how r u? So, i just want to give my humble opnion on NR, because is the story of my life, literally. (English is not my first language so i hope u understand) A couple of years ago, i started hooking up w this boy, basically to forget his best friend, and something that beginned as a fwb kind of secret developet into love, but only for me. At that time i couldnt understand what happend bc everything seemed to be going in the direction of a relashionship (1)

Anonymous said:He was a amazing friend, supportive, caring, and i thought that the sentiment was mutual, even if the agreement was not feelings related. Anyway, long history short, he cut me out, and life moved on, and day by day i stated to understand and separate what we were to what we have. Reading the last chapter of nr i felt everything again, but not in the bad way. I was so concetrated in 'jk is in love with the oc' that i forgot his personality, who he is, and what they have. (2)

Anonymous said:Reading the last chapter of nr i felt everything again, but not in the bad way. I was so concetrated in 'jk is in love with the oc' that i forgot his personality, who he is, and what they have. This chapter reminded me why I love so much ur fics, because how human they are, how the characters have so much personality, how everything is not just good or bad, right and wrong. Thanks so much for the update and i'll be waiting anxiosly for the next, you are amazing!!! 💕 (3)

Anonymous said:Hi! I don't think you got these asks so I'm sending them again.~Okay since we only see everything from OC's POV, what if JK rejected her because he thinks the OC doesn't like him? Because from his POV most of the time the OC is rejecting him and has made it clear he isn't her type. Starting with the first chapter he already had an inkling that she might have had feelings for Jimin, secondly, just like JK the OC also has repeatedly reminded him that she could never catch feelings for him.(1/5)

Anonymous said:Third usually whenever she interacts with him she somehow brings up sex and JK even says "why is it always about sex with you" so here we can clearly see that JK would automatically assume that the OC doesn't interact with him for anything other than sex. Fourth, she didn't even admit she found him attractive until recently and lastly she has never kissed him and everytime he suggests it she says something like "eww." (2/5)

Anonymous said:So like how everyone said that even though JK said he doesn't want a relationship but his actions speak differently, similarly the OC's actions also give a loud and clear message and it's natural for JK to assume she doesn't like him. And maybe when he rejected her he was protecting himself and was doing it as a defense mechanism. I mean think about it, JK was drunk and he confessed a lot of things, wouldn't he be a slight bit worried that OC might suspect that he actually likes her. (3/5)Anonymous said:And when she was confessing to him in the end what if JK felt that she was calling him out for his not so platonic behaviour and drunken confession and he just laughed it off and rejected her as a defence mechanism. I'm not saying it's entirely the OC's fault that JK rejected her because I do feel there's something related to his past as well but the OC's actions towards JK also play a huge part in his behaviour towards the end. (4/5)

Anonymous said:I really want to know your thoughts on this. I know you don't want to give away much but do you think I'm completely off and at looking differently or maybe I'm kind of on the right track? (5/5)P.s. sorry for such a long ask, I went overboard, but NR is SO intriguing that I just had to! 💙

Once again, I have to thank you guys for sending in all your thoughts and feelings regarding the new chapter. It’s literally my favorite thing to read and im always blown away by how deep and insightful you guys are! i love you so much and you guys 100000% win best readers of the year! :D

#new rules #flajka

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jassieajoc · 7 years

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Dim

I can still remember the very first time I had an anxiety attack. It was a morning on the way to school, I was with my kuya and our driver. I was still in 3rd Grade that time and I can still remember the sudden anxious feeling, It was like the whole world was swallowing me alive. I can still remember myself being so confused. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was doing okay and the next time I knew I was being paranoid. I felt shitty that day. That day something grew in me. Something foolish and dark. And I didnt know that that something would be the start of my fucking life.

The first time I hurt myself was when I reached High School. Freshman year. Still so clueless of the world ahead of me. Still so innocent of the things I havent tried yet. So eager to try. So naive to care. I was having so fun but deep inside I was lost. I was scared. I was too ignorant that I forgot to think that there would always be a consequence. You see, thats the downside of having fun. The downside of being so happy. There would always be a fucking consequence. I got so insecure. I got so selfish. I thought my family didnt love me anymore. I thought I was going so bad that I became mad and then I got rebellious. I started cutting myself. I tried drinking alcohol. It was the start of losing myself. Sophomore Year came. I was doing okay. I wasnt as bad as I was. But I was as lost as before. The sad nights were still there. I got called names. Bitch. Slut. I got called names for being too friendly. For trying to distract myself from my evil self. Now im back again on hurting myself. This time, I would stay up all night thinking foolish thoughts. I would cut myself again but this time I cut my legs so that its easy to hide. I did foolish things in school again. But it was the kind of fun that makes you forget you are sad. I was doing okay after that but im still lost as ever.

The first time I had a suicidal thought was when I was still 11 yrs. old. Following the first time I started hurting myself. I had it all planned. I would hang myself and leave my suicide note below me. I already even wrote the fucking note when my mom went inside my room and saw it. And it was the first time I saw my mom, broken. I broke my mom. After it happened, people knew about it. I was more ashamed when they told me I was being stupid. They thought I was just fooling around that time. That I did it to have the things that I want. They told me I was just being spoiled. That Im too young to take things seriously. Too young to feel sad. Thats when I started being careful. Every time I feel lonely and sad, I would keep it all to myself. Scared that people might tell me im stupid again. I dont wanna broke my mom again. I dont wanna be a burden just because im thinking I really am a burden.

It was Junior Year when I got called names again. This time it was more hurtful. Sometimes they would tell it to my face. Sometimes just by the look from their faces I would already know —“what a bitch”. Maybe I was really a bitch. Maybe they were right. Maybe they’re not ones who were insecure, maybe I was. I started blaming myself. “Stop fooling yourself” “You’re not good enough” “You dont have the right to feel bad. You’re the one who’s doing it to yourself”. Then that was the time i realized, I have the shittiest self-esteem ever. Ive tried a lot of things this year. Lots of firsts. Crazy, fun, dangerous, and shitty things. I also started making myself look good. Feel good. But in the midst of all that, Im still losing myself. I was lost than before. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted them to notice me. What the hell am I doing? “This wasn’t me”, I tell to myself. No matter how hard I try to be better, self-hate always wins. I was still hurting myself during these moments but this time it was quite different ‘cause a friend knows and im glad that despite all this negative things, someone cares. Up until this very moment Im still thankful for that friend. You know who you are, and God knows how grateful I am to have a friend like you. I couldn’t remember some serious (negative) things during Senior Year. It was a smooth sail. But not the smoothest ‘cause i still had fights with my ex boyfriend. I got so worried about my grades. I was stressed doing schoolworks. But to add it all up it was a great year. So great that I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had overcome that feeling. But little did I know, it was just hiding at the back of my mind.

The first time I tried killing myself was when I reached College. Funny how the older I get, the more serious it became. See when I said I thought I was doing okay? Wrong. Little bitch was just resting. Waiting to attack me. It was gone for a year but the moment it came back, it was stronger. It was all over me. Now that Ive been carrying this bitch for almost 6 years now I think its time for me to give it a name. Lets call it, Dim. Why Dim? Well you see, the word dim means having a limited or insufficient amount of light, seen indistinctly, perceived by the senses or mind indistinctly or weakly. And dim is the perfect word to describe what im feeling all these years. The feeling of darkness. Dim wasn’t really that strong at first. He was quiet. He was as if trying to be friends with me. It was my first year of college so I was busy doing homeworks. Trying to figure out how college life works. First sem done and I thought I became friends with Dim already. Until he betrayed me. My boyfriend that time and I broke up. My whole world was shuttered. I was so down and Dim was the only one who was always there with me, so I let him take over my life. That was the time when I started avoiding people. I refused to go out, I stopped going to my classes. I was so scared. 2nd sem was a blur. A complete blur. Summer came and it was… okay. I guess. It was the start of fucking up my life. Walwal dito, walwal doon. Landi doon, landi dito. I was sooo lost that I forgot to have some respect for myself. All I can say is, that was the wildest summer that I had. I bet ya’ll waiting for the part where I tried to kill myself. Then here you go. January 2017, I had the worst anxiety attack ever. It was so bad I thought I was going insane. I called the suicide hotline but guess what they told me? THEY TOLD ME TO GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. Great. There I was crying hysterically on my bed. Alone. There I was wanting to end my fucking life and ya’ll gonna tell me to go to the nearest hospital? Crazy. So yeah, I had the pills on my hand when I thought “Am I really gonna end my life just because Im scared? Just because I didnt know what was happening to me?” Then I called 911. They asked me whats the problem and I only told them one word, “suicide”. They asked me who and that was the moment I broke down, I told them, “ako po”. I can hear them panicking and then there was silence on the other line. Then an another woman talked to me. I told her everything I felt that day and she told me nice things to make me feel better. We had a good talk and I was crying the whole time. She somehow convinced me that suicide is not always the answer. I owe her my life. Fast forward to March 2017, I got sick. I got bacterial infection —not STD, from someone whom I loved so much. For the second time, my mom cried in front of me. For the second time, I saw my mom broken. I broke my mom, again. I became lost more than ever. I was so ashamed of myself. I was so angry. Why do I always fuck up? Ganyan na ba talaga ako ka bobo?

The second time I tried killing myself was 2 months later, I started falling for this guy. Who lied to me. I was a mistress the whole time, and I didnt know. My mom eventually knew about it because the wife was a pyscho —Sorry not sorry. I disappointed my parents. AGAIN. Only in a span of 2 months I was a disappointment, again. You see, Dim was winning this time. He was already bigger than me. He was all over my room. He was all over the building. He was all over me. That was when I took the pills. I can only remember myself falling asleep and the next thing I know I was at the hospital. After 7 years of dealing with that bitch Dim, I was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. After 7 years of trying to hide the pain, my parents finally knew about it. After 7 years, my friends finally realized that I wasn’t fooling around. I wasn’t being overdramatic. There were pros and cons to this situation. Pros, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly understanding. I felt free. It felt like nothing is holding me back anymore. It felt like I finally won over Dim. I felt stronger than Dim. Cons, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly protective and hella paranoid, thinking I might blew up in any moment. Even though I felt free and stronger than Dim, I can still feel his presence. I still feel weak. Ive been seeing my doctor every 2 weeks now. Im taking meds. People are helping me. Months have passed and I thought I was really okay now. I thought I had it under control until 3 months later, I can feel him all over me again. It seems like the pills are not working anymore. I started keeping secrets from my doctor. I started telling lies to my family and friends just so they wont worry about me anymore. Im even back on hurting myself. I cut my wrists and legs. I tried overdosing myself again. Twice this time. It gets worse everyday. Its seems like Dim knows my weak spots now, he knows where and when to hurt me. I keep blaming myself even on the smallest things. Sometimes I think, what if Im going insane? What if Im never going to be okay? I dont even know anymore.

I didnt write any of these so that you’ll pity me. I didnt write any of these to make ‘papansin’. I didnt write any of these so that you’ll know my story. I wrote this so that all of you people who are reading this can understand. I want you guys to understand that depression is never a joke. Depression isn’t easy, it never was. I want you to understand that even the smallest things can hurt a person a thousand more. I want you to understand that depression isn’t just a bad day. It is a never ending battle between you and your mind. Depression isn’t just being tired because you had a shitty day. It is a different feeling piling up until one day you cant deal with it anymore, you’ll blow up. Depression isn’t just being lazy. It is the thoughts and the paranoia that makes you feel so tired you can’t get out off your bed. It is the heavy feeling that sinks you deeper, makes you not wanting to wake up, hoping you can sleep the sadness away. If you know someone dealing with depression, help them. Support them. Sometimes, presence helps. Just being there for them helps. Even a simple hug can make them feel a little better. Listen. Dont say anything. Just listen to them and hug them.

This is for the ones who fought and never survived, Im sorry. Im really, really sorry. Wherever your souls are right now, I hope you now have the happiness you pretend to have. The happiness you truly deserve. For the ones who are still struggling from their demons, I am here. We are here. Its okay to cry, its okay to lose your shit but sweetie, just remember to never ever let your Dim beat you. You are stronger than him.

A small act can change a person’s life. Right this moment, somewhere, someone needs your help. Ask. Because sometimes, you can either save a person’s life or be a minute late.

And right now, you’re too late.

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