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[nymika-arts]

like a river runs

chapter 3 of 10, 4.3k read on ao3 | read from the beginning

Eddie shuts the door as soon as Buck's car is out of sight, and every emotion he'd been holding at bay comes rushing in at once. The relief, and the fear, and the guilt. The resurgence of all the grief and pain he’d felt for years. He rests his head against the wood and just breathes for a moment.

It's like he's walking in a dream. This shouldn’t even be possible. Buck was dead, and now he's here, and he’s exactly the same as when Eddie saw him last—except that now he's being careful. Now he’s saying less than he’s keeping to himself, and holding distance between them that was never there before, and trying not to overstep new boundaries that he’d only just learned of. And it feels so wrong. Even after so many years, it feels wrong that Buck shouldn’t be completely at ease with him. 

It's worse than when they were just friends, because when you’ve gotten used to having every piece of someone, the lines between some and all look so blurred that settling on none becomes the safest option. Buck left thinking Eddie belongs entirely to someone else now, and Eddie let him go. He practically packed his things up for him and shoved him out the door. 

He hates himself for it, but he doesn’t know what else to do.

If Buck’s return has proven anything, it’s that Eddie still loves him for all he is, he’s just grown to love someone else in the meantime. He doesn’t know how to make Buck see that. He doesn’t even know how to explain it to himself. This shouldn’t be a choice he has to make.

He straightens up finally and runs a hand through his hair. None of it is really a choice, though. He’s married. Commitments made, vows exchanged. It’s not something he can just turn his back on. And Christopher is happy, which is always the most important thing. The rest is… he’ll figure it out.

Honestly, the whole thing feels like he’s wandered into a minefield—one misstep and everything blows up in his face.  

He almost jumps when his phone starts to ring.

“Cap?” he says as he brings it to his ear. 

"Hey, Eddie,” Bobby replies. “I just wanted to check in, see how you’re doing."

Eddie scoffs, and moves into the dining room to sit down at the table. "Well, I’ll let you know when I figure that out."

"You know I'm here to listen, if you ever need to talk.”

"Yeah, I—Thanks Bobby, I appreciate it."

"Anytime, you know that." He pauses. "Have you seen Buck at all today?"

"Yeah, he just left actually. He came by to pick up some of the old stuff of his that I'd kept."

"How was he?"

"He seemed okay, I guess. All things considered. Chris was really happy to see him." God, he feels like crying. 

"And you?"

"Of course—of course I was too, I just…" Eddie sighs, rubbing a hand across his face. 

"Eddie, what's going on?" Bobby asks, sounding as gentle as ever. He waits patiently through the silence for Eddie to respond.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asks, his voice small.

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