#thank goodness the new john mulaney is out

[starved-vyka]

Slept at 6am woke up at 9am. Stayed up playing video games and watching Netflix. What the ever loving fuck is wrong with me.

[cowgurrrl]

She’s A Gun

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: *John Mulaney voice* My wife is a bitch and I love her SO much (gif by @salome-c) I also didn’t know how to end this so sorry

Summary: Somebody didn’t give the new guy a heads up about talking about Joel Miller’s family [1.6k]

Warnings: idiots in love, a quick mention of a queer slur, I can’t think of anything else!!

You catch him looking at you across the room as you sip some new whiskey Tommy traded for. He looks young and fresh-faced without many scars or littering the surface of his skin. His eyes are bright when they meet yours, and you give him a polite smile before returning to your drink. Unsurprisingly, he bellies up to the bar a few minutes later. You glance at the door, and the man follows your gaze. 

"You meeting someone?" He asks. The bartender, a kind man named Nick, flashes you a look, but you wave him off, turning to the younger man, who is dead set on making his presence known. 

"You must be new." You say, and he laughs as he holds out his hand. 

"You got me. I'm Luke," He says. You meet him halfway and shake his hand, giving him your name. "Where are you from?"

"I came here from Boston."

"You're a long way from home. What brought you here?" 

"Long story."

"Is it longer than the time it would take to get you another drink?" 

"I can get my own drink, but thank you."

"'Course," he says but doesn't move from his place next to you. "What do you do here in Jackson?" He asks, and you open your mouth to say something, but he cuts you off. "Let me guess. School teacher. No, a nurse."

"I work patrols, but good guess."

"Oh, I'm going to work patrols, too. I actually just signed up for my first shift tomorrow. Speaking of which, do you know anything about this guy… Miller, I think, is his name. I heard he's a hard ass."

"Joel or Tommy?"

"There's multiple?" He asks, and you smirk as you sip your drink.

"There's a few of 'em hanging around, yeah. What did they say? Maybe I can," you shrug and try to hide the amusement in your voice. "Help you figure it out."

"Well, this guy, Seth, said Miller shouldn't even be in Jackson. Something about him killing people to get by before coming here, but he gets to stay because he's buddies with Maria. Apparently, he's a hell of a shot, though. I heard a rumor that he once shot an Infected from a mile away, but I'll believe it when I see it." He says, and you nod. 

You remember that day well. Tommy had been bragging about his marksmanship, mostly telling big fish stories, and you finally got sick of it. Joel told you to leave it, but you had to see. When you went on patrol the next day, you and Tommy had a competition to see how far he could actually shoot. You passed the gun back and forth to see who could hit accurately and how far. You were the one holding the gun when the Infected bound his way up the hill and quickly went down as the bullet buried in his skull. You didn't think that story would've made the rounds, though. 

"What else did Seth say?" You ask, and he puffs his cheeks out as he shakes his head.

"He told me to stay away from him. Something about not fucking with people like that because he's ruthless, especially when it comes to his kid. He said Miller yelled at him last week because he said something to her. Just... totally lost his mind like a crazy person." It wasn't just something. He called my daughter a dyke, you think to yourself. Joel may have pushed him and made him leave, but you threatened to ruin his fucking life. If you ever hear him say something like that to Ellie again, you'll make Joel look like the poster child for forgiveness. You bite the inside of your cheek and save that information for later. 

Seth wasn't warning Luke about Joel. He was warning him about you.

"And you're sure he was talking about a man?"

"Pretty sure. I mean, I know people do lots of shitty things to stay alive, but I can't imagine a woman instilling that much fear in a man like Seth," He says, and you hum. "No offense."

"None taken." You smile and watch his guard come down just enough for him to feel comfortable reaching for your arm.

"I wish I had known they let women as beautiful as you out on patrol. I would've signed up with you instead of Miller." He says, and you almost gag. Joel's hand skims your lower back almost as if on cue, and you turn to face him. He kisses you a second too long before looking over your shoulder to face the stranger who looks embarrassed. His arm wraps protectively around your middle, and he's close enough that you can smell his shampoo over the bar’s stench of stale beer.

"Great timing. This is Luke. He's starting patrols tomorrow," You say. Joel reaches across the space to shake his hand, and Luke winces at his too-tight grip. "Luke, this is my husband, Joel Miller," you wish you had a camera to take a picture of the stunned look on his face when he hears the last name. "Joel, we were just talking about the last time I was on patrol with Tommy."

"You're Miller?" Luke asks, suddenly looking pale. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh, I thought I mentioned it. I'm sorry, I'm probably losing my mind." You echo Seth's words and smack yourself on the forehead dramatically. Luke drains his drink before glancing around the room.

"It was great to meet you, man. Um, I'm gonna run to the bathroom really fast." He says and takes several steps away from the bar. 

"Oh, so soon? I was hoping you and Joel could talk about routes."

"Maybe later." He says, and with that, he's gone. You smile and turn in Joel's arms to face him.

"Jesus, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. What did you say to him?" 

"Seth was warning him about the mercenary who's buddies with Maria and shot an Infected from a mile away, asked if I knew anything about the guy."

"Seth should learn to keep his fuckin' mouth shut." He grumbles, and you nod.

"It didn't help his case that he tried flirting with me. Even asked if I was a school teacher." You say, and he gives you a look. His warm fingers reach under your shirt collar to pull out the chain with your wedding band on it.

"Maybe if you actually wore this, that wouldn't happen so often."

"C'mon, everybody knows I'm yours. It's not my fault no one gave him the run down," you say, and he tugs on the chain to kiss you, his big hands moving to hold your jaw. He swallows your gasp when he licks into your mouth, sending a zing of electricity down your spine. He's a touch too handsy for a public space, but you're not complaining. "I don't see you wearing yours out on patrol either." You say, pulling away before he can start something he can't finish, at least not in public. Still, his hand slips into your back pocket, squeezing your ass through the denim.

"Don't want to lose a finger. Besides, everybody knows I'm yours," he parrots, and you smile. A familiar, old country song plays over the speakers, and Joel lights up at the first few chords. "Will you dance with me?" He asks, pressing light kisses to your jaw to butter you up. You lock your arms around his shoulders and let yourself forget about everyone else in the bar. 

"And to think there was a time when you hated PDA."

"That was before someone tried hittin' on my wife," he says, and you feel like your face will get stuck from smiling so much. It's been three months since the small backyard wedding officiated by Tommy and Maria. Ellie walked you down the aisle— more of a patch of grass than anything else— and acted as your maid of honor. When Tommy asked if she agreed to give you to Joel, she said, "it's not like she's fucking property, but sure." She beamed so brightly when she realized you each included her in your vows, promising to love and protect her as much as you love and protect each other. It wasn't planned, but the unexpected matching further proved that you three are a family. Still, you don't know if you'll ever get used to hearing Joel call you his wife. "Dance with me, please." He pouts into your neck, and you finally give in, grabbing his hand and leading him to the dance floor. 

He pulls you close, and you bury your face in his neck as you slowly dance to Tanya Tucker's voice. He sings along for only you to hear, his accent getting stronger as he does. You could stay like this forever, wrapped up in him and listening to him sing the same song you used to sing along to while driving on backroads. You would marry him again if you could. You think you would marry him in every lifetime.

Scary rumors of mercenaries and blood on your hands fade from your mind. To men like Seth and Luke, you are a subversion of their holy mother. You are bloody and broken, a monster beyond saving. You are a warzone with a heartbeat.

But to Joel, you are the most sacred thing he's ever held. It's not enough to erase the rumors and nightmares about you, but it's enough to knock the wind out of you and make you love your husband that much more. That has to count for something. 

🍓

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Tag list: @evyiione

[fangirleaconmigo]

So I’ve been a bit absent. Putting a ‘read more’ because shit in my life has gotten very real very quickly.

One of my younger sisters went to urgent care with stomach discomfort last Tuesday. It turned out that she had a huge mass in her pelvis, (18x25 cm) and our lives were plunged into a black hole of fear.

In the past week/weekend, she’s gotten blood tests and referrals for more scans. Every test result is more ominous and terrifying than the last. It is definitely ovarian cancer and she will need a major surgery and we don’t know what else.

In one day, I moved her completely into my house. She gave notice on hers. We are trying to find foster care for her cats while she is in treatment because she can’t care for them during, and neither can I.

We still haven’t had a proper prognosis and treatment plan. That will be today, I hope. I am about to drive her to her first actual appointment with a real oncologist.

It’s early and I’m lying awake in my bed. I haven’t slept much in the past weeks. I go to sleep googling ovarian cancer, and I wake up and google ovarian cancer, and I feel like an entire house is crushing me. I can barely breathe. I have to go fetal position for a few minutes sometimes during the day to get through it.

We need some hope today. We need some good news. We need, at the very minimum, a plan for her care. Something to focus on.

Please keep us in your thoughts and send us some love and good will. She is either in shock or being very brave but she could get hopeful, or devastating news today (or more terrifying limbo) and I don’t know where that will leave us.

I won’t try to tell you how much my sister means to me. But I will say that we grew up together in an isolated family with shitty, monstrous, abusive parents and it fused us together in profound ways. I raised her to the extent that a child can raise another child. (It’s like that John Mulaney joke where he said his babysitter was so young, it was like a horse caring for a dog lol)

We are both super sci-fi fantasy nerds. I watch tv with her probably three to four nights a week, and we can talk for LITERAL HOURS about the intricacies of the writing and the characters on the various franchises. We usually agree, but we probably woke the neighbors with our argument about who the best Doctor Who companion was.

We work at the same hospital and share an office one day a week, and the people in the hall probably hear our elaborate Star Wars or MCU theories.

I know better than to get her started about certain things, but no matter what I do, every Thanksgiving she gives an entire speech about how the LOTR movie adaptations failed Gimli, son of Gloin.

We’ve been to Supernatural cons (we’ve both written SPN fic), and SDCC together many times. Actually, we went to ECCC together this year, so @spacecores and @roguepyrola met her and can attest to the fact that she is a mouthy, down to earth, absolutely brilliant, funny, foul mouthed, nerdy ass bitch.

I NEED HER, ok, I FUCKIN NEED HER.

So if you meditate, pray, send intentions, I don’t care what it is, I need it today. Her appointment is in about three hours and we need some hope.

Thanks for reading, friends. ♥️ I know this isn’t fandom related but we’re all real life human beings here with real lives, and that’s what is happening in mine.

[clare-with-no-i]

20 q's for fic writers

thank you sooo so much for tagging me @kay-elle-cee I unfortunately could not approach this in a completely earnest fashion due to who I am as a person, so everyone please take this slightly ersatz set of answers with all of the love I intend…which is a lot I swear…

AO3 Username: clarewithnoi (pronounced 'clare with no eye')

1. How many works do you have on A03? lol I keep orphaning stories when they annoy me but for now 37 (I think?)

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 403,419…what is this word city

3. What fandoms do you write for? Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, others which I have not published lol

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

not the statistics page!!!!!!! john mulaney voice that's the thing I'm sensitive about!!!!!!

one long day (all my love will make you shake) at 1,151 WOW my god I did not realize it had surpassed 1k!!! did I know that? holy shit!

I will carry you, always at 873 ok this is also shocking but I do know that my they-lived AUs tend to be more popular and they're older so they've had time to accumulate hits

foreigner's god at 701 still can't believe this <3

theogony at 682 (!!)

growing pains at 675 another they-lived AU! I really carved out a niche early on

5. Do you respond to comments? don't look at me…I always want to…I swear I just get overwhelmed…put the gun down please…

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? uhhhh jesus idk, probably the derelict art of letting go? I don't write a lot of angst but I guess that one is on the sadder side

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? foreigner's god! or I will carry you always! in one of them I contend with reincarnation and shared grief and second chances at life. in the other one they hook up in the DADA classroom. so it's a toss-up

8. Do you get hate on fics? not really, and given the number of public fights I've had on this account you'd think that people would take their dislike of me to ao3 more often, but everyone's been remarkably charitable in that regard. thanks guys <3

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? only if I can exorcise personal trauma through it. or if it's 2020 and I'm dissociating in my studio apartment.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? no and no one say theogony or I'm turning this bus around

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? yessiree and it was not pleasant!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? yes! a few! the ones with my permission were lovely. the ones without my permission not as much.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? naur…

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? it's like a three-way tie between jily, percabeth, and zelink tbh! but I've mainly read jily fic in the past few years I think. but this answer can change dependent on me developing a new hyperfixation lmao

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? the last time I answered this question I did it as a joke and then I wrote theogony about it so I'm going to choose peace and just plead the fifth here lest I commit to another wip that'll take three years

16. What are your writing strengths? I do a lot of (an excess of) research, I'm good at description, I am funny when I want to be, I've had some really good prose moments if I do say so myself (I do)

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I am structurally a very weak writer, I can't be succinct, I don't have a great literature background so I never really know what I'm in conversation with and have limited points of reference for writing, I am very bad at writing characters who are subtle about their emotions/romantic feelings, I submit to time pressure and rush myself, the list goes on

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I've always wanted to write a fic in Spanish omgggg

19. First fandom you wrote for? either Zelink or Percabeth when I was like 12 lol.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? theogony!

tagging @thequibblah yes I know you've been tagged already. cope <3 and @mipwrites go get 'em champ

[fickle-tiction]

Seventeen Minutes

“You can’t ignore me forever, rich boy.”

Punch. Jab. Right hook.

“Something’s bound to get under your skin.”

Jab. Jab. Cross.

“Bruce. Bruce. Bruuuuuce.”

Punch. Jab. Left hook.

Bruce was minding his own business in the corner of the gym, taking his frustrations out practicing on a punching bag, when Arthur decided to mess with him. Apparently something about Bruce focusing on beating the crap out of a punching bag just screamed “see if you can break my concentration” to the King of Atlantis. He’d been trying to get Bruce’s attention for the last six minutes, and Bruce has yet to acknowledge his existence. 

It was time to step it up a notch. 

“Come on, show me that bat-smile.” This last statement was accompanied by a squeeze to Bruce’s sides. 

Jab. Cross. Jab.

“Oh come on!” Arthur continued goosing Bruce’s sides, as Bruce continued to lay into the punching bag unperturbed. “I thought for sure that would work.” He buried his wiggling fingers into Bruce’s armpits for good measure, but Bruce didn’t even pause in his assault on the punching bag. 

“Uh..what’s going on?” Clark was entirely unprepared for the scene that greeted him when he walked into the gym. Arthur was tickling his seemingly oblivious boyfriend, who was paying him no mind as he landed a kick on the punching bag.

“You’re dating a robot.” Arthur didn’t take his eyes off of Bruce’s face, searching for any sign of or reaction as he tickled Bruce from his armpits all the way down to his hips and back up again. Bruce’s movements didn’t falter as he landed another series of punches on the bag. 

Bruce grabbed onto the swinging punching bag to still it, heedless of the rhythmic squeezing at his sides. “Is it 9 already?” He asked Clark as he began unwrapping his hands. He allowed Arthur to pull him against his chest, inwardly amused when the Atlantean bear-hugged him from behind and wiggled his fingers over his stomach.

“Seriously?” Arthur grouched, jamming wiggling fingers into unresponsive armpits. He growled when Bruce merely craned his neck around, a single arrogant eyebrow raised in question. “It’s no fun messing with you if you won’t react.”

“Do you want me to hug you back?”

Clark steals both of their attention away when he barks out a surprised laugh.

“I’ll break you one day.” Arthur vows as he lets Bruce go and resists the urge to shove him and goad him into an actual fight.

“Mmhhmm.” Bruce hums, once again ignoring Arthur as he gathers his water bottle and discarded hand wraps before meeting up with Clark. “Where’s Diana?”

“Upstairs. I wasn’t sure if you were sparing down here, and I’d never be able to pull you two away if she saw you on the mats.”

Bruce let out an amused huff, which was as good as a chuckle from anyone else.

~~~

Bruce emerged from the bathroom in a pair of black sweatpants and a matching black t-shirt, toweling the water from his freshly cleaned hair. He stopped in his tracks when Clark and Diana’s conversation abruptly cut off and the two of them just stared at him, twin grins on their faces. Bruce stared back in silence as he finished toweling off. He refused to give them a curious look before he doubled back to the bathroom to drop his towel in the hamper. Alfred would kill him if he left a damp towel on any of the furniture---again.

“What are we watching?” Bruce asked, walking past the couch with the intention of settling into the armchair. He wasn’t surprised, nor putout, when someone caught his hand as he walked by and tugged him down onto the couch. He was only a little peeved that he wound up in the middle, but relationships were all about compromises; or so he’s been told.

“The new John Mulaney special.” Clark said as he brought it up on the screen, nodding his thanks to Diana when she dragged the foot rest closer to the couch so the three of them could use it.

“Stand up?” Bruce asked, lips turning down into their signature frown.

“Yeah, we thought you could stand to lighten up a little.” 

Bruce’s scowl just served to make Clark’s smile brighter. He was saved from responding by Diana yanking his arm up on into air while simultaneously pushing his chest back into the couch. Bruce allowed himself to be maneuvered without complaint, not that he could win in a fight against her anyway, too curious to see what her endgame was. It turned out she wanted cuddle up with her head on his chest, but Bruce had been sitting ramrod straight between the two of them. Now he was reclined back against the couch cushions, legs stretched out on the foot rest, with his left arm draped around Diana’s shoulders.

“Please, make yourself at home.” His actions betrayed his dry words when he gently ran the backs of his knuckles up and down Diana’s bicep.

“Don’t mind if I do.” Clark followed suit before Bruce could protest, grinning cheekily up at him when Bruce huffed through his nose. Once Clark hit play and their attention was back on the screen Bruce allowed the smile that had been trying to break free to make an appearance. 

~

They were five minutes into the standup special and Clark and Diana were already in hysterics. Bruce still had that soft smile on his face, but it had more to do with the joy radiating off his partners than it did with the man on the tv.

Seven minutes in and a new found of laughter started up again.

Eleven minutes in and Clark buried his face into Bruce’s side as he snorted he laughed so hard.

Fourteen minutes into the special and Diana was rubbing Bruce’s stomach as she laughed at the story being told.

Seventeen minutes into the standup special and Clark and Diana were side eyeing each other from either of side of Bruce’s chest.

“Do you want to watch something else?” Clark asked, pulling his attention away from the screen to look up at his boyfriend.

Bruce had been smiling at the tv until Clark drew his attention away. “Why would I want to watch something else? He’s great.”

Clark’s eyebrows nearly met his hairline. 

“You think so?” Diana asked as she casually rubbed Bruce’s chest.

“I’m watching it, aren’t I?”

“Well, yeah, but you haven’t laughed once.” Clark pointed out.

“Of course I have.”

“You’ve smiled.” Diana conceded. “But you have not laughed.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh.” Clark was clearly trying to sound like this was a thought that just struck him, but Superman was a terrible liar.

Ah, so that’s what they were talking about when he came out of the bathroom. He knew he had a tendency to be stiff and walled off, though not for a lack of trying but more for a lack of experience being open around people he cared about. He didn’t realize his partners had picked up on it, or that it bothered them. “I’m just not very vocal about it.” He said, taking great care to make sure his heartbeat stayed steady and his face remained relaxed. “But I really do think it’s funny.”

“I don’t know why I thought this would work,” Clark was trying very hard to appear innocent, and that set Bruce on edge. That look never meant anything good. That look usually meant that one or both of them were going to mess with him. “he didn’t even crack a smile when Arthur was tickling him in the gym.”

Bruce froze as Diana sat up straight, his arm dropping back down to his side at the sudden movement. “Now there’s an idea.” 

“He just said I didn’t crack a smile.” He was all too aware of Clark’s weight holding his right side down as Diana boxed him in on his left. He could turn his---sensitivity---off, just as he did with Arthur in the gym, but he knew from past experience that he had a harder time controlling this particular vulnerability when it was with someone he trusted.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t try for ourselves.” The look on Diana’s face would have sent him running, if he thought there was any chance it would do him any good.

“Was this the plan all along?” Bruce asked, eyes zeroing in on Clark’s hand that just rested oh-so-casually on his stomach.

“No, we really did think the standup would work.” Clark was now swirling his fingers across the thing material of Bruce’s shirt; Bruce sucked his stomach in as far as it would go, inhaling through his teeth as Clark passed over his hipbone.

“It will.” Bruce tried to recoil from Clark’s fingers that were slowly rippling across his stomach, but then Diana was grabbing his left hand and stretching his arm out along the back of the couch before pinning it in place with her own body. “I’ll start laughing out loud.” He vowed, eyes glued to Diana’s hand as she traced the bulging line of his triceps to wear it disappeared into his sleeve. He did not whimper when she snuck a single finger in to tease at the soft skin hiding under his shirt.

“Oh, we know you will.”

Diana started off in his armpit, drawing stubborn laughter out of him in a matter of seconds. “So you are ticklish?” She asked, dancing nimble fingers into the hollow of his armpit.

“N-no.” Bruce insisted, even as a hapless smile stretched across his face and a few deep belly laughs slipped past his defenses.

“So you don’t mind me doing this?” Clark asked, poking around Bruce’s torso at random. 

“Go right ah-ahead.” Bruce grunted and twitched, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling. Diana’s hand traveled lower, now tweaking his ribs and Bruce let out a “Hngh.” before he managed to clamp his mouth shut, burrowing as far back into the couch as he could, as though that would put any distance between the three of them.

“How about this?” Clark dug into his stomach, and Bruce’s composure went right out the window. He shouted in surprise, before dissolving into laughter, as he tried to curl forward into a ball, but he couldn’t actually lean forward with the two of them pinning him against the back of the couch. 

“Oh, I think he likes that.” Diana laughed, squeezing Bruce’s side and making his entire body jerk at the sensation. When he finally realized he couldn’t budge he changed tactics and brought his legs up to try and knock their hands away, but all that did was give them a new target to attack. 

“Do you like this, B?” Clark was squeezing the muscle above one knee, while Diana managed to get a hand under his thigh to tickle at the expanse of muscle there. Bruce was cackling. It was unclear if his face was red from the exertion, or if he was blushing, or both.

“Fu-hahahaha-ck!” Was all Bruce managed to get out, writhing in place as Diana switched from the back of his thigh to his stomach, to his armpit in the span of a few seconds.

“What about this?” Clark asked, finally leaving Bruce’s knees alone to switch to a new target. Bruce’s eyes snapped shut and frantic giggles started pouring out of him when Clark tickled at the thin skin of his neck. He renewed his efforts to get away, throwing his head side to side to dislodge Clark’s fingers.

“Nononono.” He snickered, squealing when Diana joined in on the other side of his neck. He would be mortified at the sound he just made if he could even begin to think straight. “Stop stop stop plehehehehease!” 

“I don’t think he likes that.” Diana laughed, backing off the moment Bruce pleaded with them to stop. Clark backed off as well, though not without a last squeeze to Bruce’s thigh.

The second he was released from his pinned position Bruce’s hands flew to his neck where they tried to wipe the residual tickly feeling away as the last of his laughter died down. His legs were drawn up close to his body as he calm down, and it was only after he caught his breath that he realized Clark and Diana were both looking at him with soft smiles on their faces. He felt blood rushing back to his cheeks, ears, and neck as he cleared his throat and uncurled from his uncharacteristic display of vulnerability. 

“I---uhm--”

“You didn’t even flinch when Arthur was doing it.” Clark marveled, running a hand through Bruce’s hair to push it off his forehead. He couldn’t help but laugh when Bruce balked and made an aborted movement to protect his neck again.

“Arthur’s not---it’s...different.” Bruce did not jump when Diana’s hand settled on his thigh, and he was not blushing as he tried to explain himself without sounding like a sap. “I can’t control it when I’m around---you guys.” 

“And why is that?” Diana asked, softly squeezing Bruce’s thigh when he elected not to answer her. The muscles under her palm jumped, even as he tried to remain stoic when he looked up at her.

“Oh my God,” Clark gushed, taking pity on Bruce and giving him an out. “You totally have a crush on us.”

That startled a laugh out of Bruce. “Yeah, something like that.”

“I totally have a crush on you both as well.” Diana said serenely, clearly trying to get a laugh out of Bruce as well. It worked.

“Let’s finish the show.” Bruce said, clearly trying to tamp down on his smile. He raised his arms back up so they could both settle in, only feeling slightly awkward as he did so, but that quickly passed when the both eagerly cuddled up to him.

Two minutes later Clark and Diana were laughing at the story being told on tv.

Four minutes in and Bruce’s laughter joined theirs as they started tracing idle patterns on his stomach.

Six minutes in and Bruce’s fingers were scribbling away at any bit of skin he could reach as he threw his head back and laughed.

[blysse-and-blunder]

In lieu of a late summer commonplace book

sunday, august 25, 2024 ~ 6:30 pm

hello again c:

trying to remember what routine feels like, what my rhythm from semesters and work-weeks past felt like, and i think i had a good thing going with a sunday afternoon/evening round-up post alongside filling out my planner and to-do lists for the week. so here we are again, at long last.

reading recently finished a couple of things, several thanks to @un-serial-writer's excellent recs. pictured below in no particular order:

most time spent reading, and therefore the one that feels like the biggest accomplishment: lady, thomas tryon, a best seller from 1974 that was among the many agéd vacation reads and slightly-musty paperbacks in the family cottage. i didn't predict the twist but it sure did take like 80% of the book to actually get to there being some genuine suspense. luckily, i like a slice-of-life and even better when it's, like, an interesting study on how the seventies thought of / wrote about nostalgia for the thirties.

least time spent reading: the intuitionist, colson whitehead, which was exceptional except that i did feel like i had missed something when i finished it. huge fan of the setting and characters and twists and atmosphere and prose, though.

most enjoyable time spent reading: prophet, by helen macdonald and sin blanché, which was so goddam compelling and had such delicious dialogue, only to leave off in the middle of a GOOD SCENE C'MON. delicious character work btw the two leads! delicious concepts and premise! not sure i feel like the payoff from the main threat really...landed...but it almost doesn't matter.

most reluctantly enjoyable / frustrating time spent reading: bunny by mona awad, which i want to discuss with someone who has done an mfa in creative writing (aron. aron please. it's like not even good but it is? something?). its got two sort of big twists and i was very grateful for the first, then sort of disappointed by the second, and then the big reveal at the end actually did gratify me. i will not be forgetting this one but i also, desperately, need to mock it with someone who will understand.

watching most recently, the bear season two, because i am finally catching up with the culture. yes chef please it is so good. i just finished ep. 7, "forks," and oh my god richie. richieee. don't make me so, so proud of you. save me, juliet, etc. i also texted @madonnavenus after watching ep 6, "fishes," because that was a lot. but luckily, luckily, the emotions were manageable through the distancing effect of recognizing that it was acting, good talented but most importantly familiar actors doing incredible work (and successfully making me so, so tense and nervous ha ha). jamie lee curtis you're a queen, and also, god. sarah fucking paulson? gillian jacobs? and then also john mulaney was there, immediately recognizable, taking me out of the fiction in a useful way genuinely. but lest you think i'm forgetting our main loves, here's to sydney and marcus and ebra and tinaaaa.

i love finding these promo images online, they're always so goofy.

listening shout-out to my comfort listens this summer: the new decembrists album as it ever was, so it will be again (2024) and the associated spotify this is the decembrists playlist,

and the two podcasts 99 percent invisible's breakdown of the Power Broker and dimension 20's the unsleeping city, which in fact speak to each other so well and it was such serendipity that i ended up listening to both of them this summer. i think i said out loud, early on, "brennan you mother fucker you've read the power broker" when i was beginning to understand who the villain was going to be, and whether he actually had or not, it's a beautiful thing when your soothing book club urban design readalong ends up cluing you in to a twist in your magical new york urban fantasy liveplay.

playing today specifically i finished another language in chants of sennaar, but for the past month (while getting over covid, l m a o) it's been pokemon. old school 2DS pokemon ultramoon, for anyone who wasn't here when i first inherited it in 2020-- i've evolved three of my favorites, dear sweet primarina, my growlithe is now up an arcanine, and i've gotten my much beloved mareep up all the way to ampharos! i do wish she still looked a little more like a sheep still, the flaaffy evolution is really like peak design imo, but i still love them.

unpopular opinion maybe but i 'm really leaning into pokemon refresh, both as a former neopet kid, someone who is consistently amused by the way this mechanic forced them to animate and come up with cute/affectionate animations for like zubat, and also as someone who, like, does periodically think too much about the real-world uhhhh implications of video games. getting to scritch arcanine or cubone (which can apparently feel it even through? the skull mask? hilarious) makes it feel a little less. mean. to make them fight.

making fallow month+. i have two new patches to sew on the jean jacket, which meant rearranging a few already on there, but apart from pinning things into a possible new arrangement, no progress there.

working on - syllabus plan for fall class-- finish assignment plan tonight, finalize readings and post? by tuesday? - diss chapter 1 which is now four -- you fool. you absolute buffoon. - article draft. see above. - cover letters (x2) see aboev. - raship work because it a) pays me more immediately and b) allows me to feel in control of my life somewhat. we stan a concrete list of achievable tasks and accountability to an external structure. - oh yeah and this translation i'm working on-- for fun!

yeah, it sure is the beginning of the semester next. week.

[oopsiedaisymae]

2 and 7 for the MC ask game?

i see this ask and i raise you: all of them

what are they in relation to you? (a self insert, an oc, etc)

my mc is an oc named winter barnett. she's got a lot in common with me but i consider her an original, separate character from myself.

on a scale of 1-10 how badly do they want to punch lucifer?

honestly like a three? she respects him a lot and trusts him more than she probably should. she likes his logical nature and sees that he's trying to keep the family together in his own way. she does get a little irritated when his pride becomes overbearing, though

would the punch hurt

no. she's 5'3" and weak, there's only so much damage she can do to a massive demon like him

what is their nightbringer text background?

probably something like a scenic photo of the starry night sky or the snow. simple but sweet

where are they from in the human world?

vermont, USA

would they have sparkles around the whip in surprise guest

no but she'd be surprised at how eager she is to see if others do

levi forces them to cosplay with him but he lets them choose. what are they cosplaying as?

winter's got a soft spot for the winchesters from supernatural, and she'd be most comfortable dressed up as one of them because of all the layers. you know that john mulaney bit where they said to disrobe "to his comfort level" and he joked about putting on a sweater and corduroy pants? that's her

i give them a rock. what do they do with it

she'll thank you, wash it, and put it on a shelf in her room because it's a gift. priority seating among her knickknacks if it's a pretty or interesting looking rock

what are their thoughts on immortality? do they want to become immortal?

at first, she's staunchly against the idea of immortality and becoming one herself. she's just a normal human after all. but the longer she spends around demons and angels while finding purpose in the devildom, she starts to think it's not such a bad thing to stick around for awhile. solomon's immortality both frightens her and gives her hope-- he's so far from human in terms of his experiences, and yet... he's still on team humanity. something about that makes her feel like immortality might not be so bad one day

are they a good cook? (aka are they surviving while living with solomon in nightbringer)

winter's a decent cook, more out of necessity than a real zest for cooking. she's great at herding solomon out of the kitchen tho

what thing would they do enough times to the point that they could get their own @/radarchives complilation

wandering off like a cat and getting lost somewhere in the devildom. she has absolutely no idea where she is or where she's going and needs someone to walk her home. it's like that soup store bit trying to get her to describe her whereabouts to get rescued

what's their main sin?

envy, with a secondary sin of sloth

are they happy living in the devildom?

at first, winter is dazed and confused by the sudden change in her surroundings. she doesn't like living in a house with so many demons that don't care about her, especially after living on her own for as long as she has. it quickly exhausts her social battery and she wanders off to cope. but she finds herself liking the devildom after awhile. her budding friendships with the brothers guide her through the culture and new locations (this time with a proper guide), and she comes to build a home and community for herself that she never really got to have in the human world. by the time the exchange program ends, she's reluctant to leave for good. every time she comes back is a joyous occasion, and she'll set aside her introversion for a night of festivities celebrating her arrival. after all-- the devildom is her home now, too.

mc ask game by @/solomiracle

[tomwambscunts]

Hi Kelsey ❤️ I went to red room show tonight (which had surprise lineup) longfellow and pdd performed 😭😭 It was my first time seeing both and I have to say michael’s SO HILARIOUS and GORG (terrible haircut but gorg)

A girl with a lovely voice sang and played guitar and later I heard she’s martin’s gf 😅 Don’t know how accurate this info is though.

Martin looked and talked really WASTED and in my opinion underperformed compared to john and ben (they were both really funny) Ben is so quick I haven’t seen such a thing since mulaney istg

Anywayy I can dm more info if anyone’s curious 💋 good nighttt

Hi 🥰 Lol I really believe Michael tries out every barber in new york until he finds the one who’ll give him a haircut that won’t make him look like an 8 year old.

She is his girlfriend yes!!

I’d say Martin is the quickest but he was probably having a bad night lol - hope he’s ok

Thank youuuaaaa

[kitchfit]

Year in Review: Movies Part 1

I don't have that great of an attention span. If its something I am invested in I can spend hours upon hours reading or playing through it until I get a headache telling me its time for bed, but if something doesn't hook me after around 30 minutes I'm probably turning it off or putting it down for a bit. It is for this reason I don't finish a lot of movies unless there is another reason to watch through it all. Usually that means watching it with other people. If there aren't friends to help me finish this movie it's probably going back in the case, which I think is true for all but one movie on this list.

Glass Onion

Knives Out is one of my favorite movies of all time. I've not read any of Agatha Christie's works which is who Benoit Blanc is largely parodying, but I do love other things inspired by her such as Columbo, and the first movie is a stellar deconstruction of that genre, while still providing an engaging mystery. I saw this movie's baby brother at the dawn of the New Year alongside my cousin, both fervently pushing out trope appropriate theories only to be completely wrong at the twist ending in plain sight.

This sequel is not anything as elegant as the first, but still seeks to deconstruct mystery tropes in a very similar fashion. The mastermind behind a series of murders or even one murder is a role often given to rich, suave, and intelligent people of high standing. It is this role that Edward Norton's character sees himself as, but while he is a rich dude of high standing, he is a more realistic rich dude than most murder mystery antagonists; that is, an arrogant dumbass who got where he is by manipulating and screwing over everyone he can. He wants to be complex while being transparently simple. Also he smells. LIKE AN ONION. WHOA. ONE MADE OUT OF GLASS. THANKS JOHN LEMON.

A Silent Voice

A good way to get me to watch a movie until the end is to make it animated, that way even if its boring as all hell I still get to look at some pretty art. That's not the case with this movie. I first watched this on a bus ride when I was sixteen with one earphone on while the girl next to me held it up on her phone. That was a good memory, but seeing the gorgeous animation on the big screen was a nice treat.

I love the dynamic between the two main characters. I wouldn't say this movie is a romance in any real sense of the term, but is about a relationship. Both of these kids spend most of their adolescence admonishing themselves for hurting the other, believing everyone hates them for what happened when they were 10. This is especially tragic for Shouko, the deaf girl who did literally nothing besides exist and try to make friends. The fact that she blames herself for her bully becoming ostracized is even played as a twist, but its a very realistic mindset anyone can fall into. The theme is forgiveness of the self after others have already forgiven you, which can be pretty tough to do, especially when you've done some genuinely shitty stuff.

I also showed this movie to my mom, an ASL instructor and translator, cause I thought it might be interesting for her, but she lost interest and fell asleep after she realized it was JSL and couldn't understand it.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

My friends were freaking out about this film, one of them going so far as to watch it like six separate times within the span of a couple weeks. This made me expect it to blow my mind, but it was just a very well written, beautifully animated movie about a cat coming to terms with its own death. I think the drought of movies with good writing from mainstream studios really elevated this one further than it would have normally. It was nice to return to this character, having grown up with the Shrek films, and doubly nice to see his character arc being used to discuss a serious topic in a healthy way.

The central conflict is the most compelling aspect of the story, the John Mulaney villain and Goldilocks subplot are funny and entertaining, but the effectiveness of Death as the main antagonist is genius. The Shrek universe has always been a conglomeration of fairytales and folktales brought to one setting, and who is most common death metaphor than the big bad wolf? Or I'm sorry. Not a metaphor. He's just Death. Straight up. You don't outrun death or win against it in any meaningful capacity, and the story could only end with Puss' acceptance that he will die. There's no Sisypussing his way out of this one. Pussyphusing? Pfft.

X-Men: First Class

My dad and I decided to watch through every X-Men movie earlier this year. We managed two of them. They're good movies, most of them at least, but marathoning all *looks at watch* eleven films just never came to fruition. This one might be in my top 3 for X-Men movies, though. Xavier and Magneto's relationship has always been the most interesting part of these films, and this movie puts it front and center. Xavier's focus on helping his friend make peace with his traumatic past is something so genuinely sweet that ultimately empowers his greatest enemy. It's this understanding they have with each other, established in this movie, that underlines every interaction they have in the future.

The rest of this movie is pretty standard origin story stuff for the ensemble cast. How the Beast Became Blue. How Mystique Stopped Pretending and Became Her True Blue Self. How the Guy Who's Power is To Never Die, Died. It's fun for what it is but overall pretty generic.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

This is also one of the better X-Men films, not sure if I'd put it in the top 3, but there's enough time travel nonsense in this movie to make me giddy. I love paradoxical bullshit. This movie works as both a direct sequel to First Class, while also working in the continuity of the first 7 or so films. It's the Apocalypse, baby! Okay, not that Apocalypse, I still haven't seen that one, but we are introduced to one of the more famous fascist genocidal hellscapes to come out of Marvel comics. The story starts at the very end of this murderous crusade, only a handful of mutants are still alive, grouped together as a unit in some abandoned... temple bunker? I'm sure this is explained somewhere in the movie, but it makes a cool setting to fight for your life in.

Most of the plot, however, takes place in the 70s. It was a big twist in the comics that the girl who can walk through space without hindrance can also walk through time the same way, but in this movie Kitty Pryde can only send other people into their past selves, meaning it's once again Wolverine's turn to take the spotlight, because Hugh Jackman is more expensive than Elliot Page. It makes less sense, but this movie still has a lot of fun jumping between the past and future versions of established characters. Angry, passionate Magneto in his 30s vs the wizened Sir Ian McKellen Magneto. At some point the X Man himself gets to talk directly to his depressed, 70s incarnation. Not to mention Quicksilver is there, which is always nice.

This was the "Rogue Cut," which adds cut content about Rogue infiltrating a sentry factory to blow it up. The new stuff doesn't add a lot, but I did like her character from earlier films, so it was cool to see her again.

Shrek

After the joy of obsessing over Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, one of my friends insisted that we all catch up on the deep lore of the franchise, and go through every Shrek movie in order. Unlike with X-Men, we succeeded in one marathon through them all. The dude who suggested this also made the assertion that PiB: Wish was the first Shrek film to feature blood and cursing. This is patently false and I took immense pleasure in proving him wrong. *whispers* Shrek says ass within the first twenty minutes, don't tell mom!

The first movie got memed on quite a bit, but I think most people have come around to enjoying it in a genuine sense. It's a cute love story with a good message and funny fard jokes. I don't think the gross-out humor really oversteps in bounds, and it would feel pretty bizarre in hindsight if a movie like Shrek ever toned that stuff down. There were a lot of movies with "fairytales come to life and their rude and goofy," as their premise, (think Hoodwinked, another fun movie) but I think the style of the Shrek world comes off in the most endearing way. Or maybe that's just nostalgia talking.

Shrek 2

I have the soundtrack of this movie embedded into my skull. I had the CD growing up and would make my mom play it in the car on the way to primary school ad nauseum. I also had the entire movie with incredibly compressed graphics on my GBA. This classic film is synonymous with my early childhood, and it holds up really well. It's shorter than I remembered, but I think that's just because it's so expertly paced.

It also introduces our favorite fearless hero, who blends effortlessly into the main cast. All of the character's play off of each other really well, actually. The gags of a royal knight planting catnip on Puss or Gingy yelling "IT'S A THONG" to get Pinocchio to lie still get me. Not to mention the perfect fight scene scored by "I Need a Hero." Every studio with rights to that song have been chasing that high ever since.

Shrek the Third

Some people hate this movie with genuine vile and malice in their hearts. Maybe that's harsh. It definitely doesn't match the highs of either of the first two, but I still enjoyed it a lot as a kid and had a good time with it now. My friend noted that the first half of this film has a lot of funny gags that peter out in the second half, where the focus is on Shrek's complicated feelings on fatherhood. There are moments in the movie where I can tell it can't decide whether to write a scene with appropriate drama or make a stupid joke, which is odd as the first one balanced those aspects pretty elegantly.

This movie does have a sequence where the classic fairytale princesses learn martial arts from Julie Andrews and kick the bark covered asses of the trees from Wizard of Oz, all to the beat of Barracuda. Disney could never. I also like that Prince Charming takes a more central role as antagonist in the story this time around, which feels very appropriate for the setting. Justin Timberlake is here too I guess. Damn, I forgot about him. Sorry Justin.

Shrek the Final Chapter

This movie came out when I believed myself toooo olllllllld and MATURE for silly animated movies with farting in them. I had grown, and was ready for stuff like *looks at movies that came out 2010* MEGAMIND, an even sillier animated movie with still probably several fart jokes. I had a bunch of reasons for disliking this one when it came out, but I don't really recall any of them. This movie is pretty wild upon revisiting. Shrek pulls a It's a Wonderful Life with Rumpelstiltskin and is pulled into an alternate universe fanfiction where he never existed, joins an Ogre resistance and tries to get his wife to fall in love with him again. It's such a goofy premise with some fairly well constructed dramatic moments. It's also very good 3D animation for its time, which might be consistent with the rest of the series.

There's a scene where Rumpelstiltskin jumps off a ledge and makes a weird noise that I cannot for the life of me find on youtube, but it sticks in my brain for some reason. He's a pretty fun villain, overall, all of his scenes made me laugh. I think we watched the other Puss in Boots movie after this, but I fell asleep. Sorry Justin.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife

This franchise got reimagined with a new cast a few years ago, and for some reason became a controversial focus of American politics for several weeks. I mean not for some reason, it was really just sexism. Women? Fighting ghosts??? Only men fight ghosts in real life, everyone knows that. This movie, on the other hand, is a direct sequel to the original film and also didn't come out during an election year, so even though Girls do be Fighting Ghosts in this one, there was less outrage around it. It's a fun homage to the original, but doesn't acknowledge the original Ghostbusters 2 in the least, and that movie genuinely freaked me out as a kid with its pink slime that kills you.

The film focuses on the very autistic granddaughter of the late and famously autistic member of the original cast, Egon. She's a delightful protagonist throughout the story, working with the ghost of her grandfather to uncover the truth behind the natural disasters plaguing her Podunk town. There are also some fun new ghost designs our child heroes have to overcome. The supporting cast is serviceable, mostly focused around Finn Wolfhard and Paul Rudd's eternal struggle to get dates before the world is eaten by Gozer, or whoever. There's a lot of nostalgia bait in this movie. The OG Ghostbusters even make a Deus Ex Machina style cameo, saving Baby Egon at the last moment aside a CGI Harold Ramis that did get me to tear up a little. This whole movie was dedicated to him, which is sweet.

Kingdom Hearts: Back Cover

Remember when I said I was done talking about Kingdom Hearts for this year? No? You haven't been reading these? That's okay, I was lying anyway. As part of my full bodily integration into this series, I watched the entirety of the KH Union X Cutscenes interspersed with clips from the Back Cover movie in order of the proper timeline of events. This is probably the sanest way to experience this story. The original has you play a mobile game where you are updated on the plot every ten or so boring ass missions and then watch the movie as a companion piece. It's a pretty engaging narrative by KH standards, but its told in the most batshit way possible, which I guess is also up to KH standards. You can watch it here, if the embeds work:

The first part of this story focuses on a member of the Keyblade Guilds, who is slowly encroaching upon the reality that the organization they're apart of is tearing itself apart. All of the Guild Masters are in conflict over a potential traitor, and this suspicion eventually spirals into an entire war. The Master of these Masters, or MoM, is largely implied to have orchestrated the entire event. The second half focuses on the fallout from that war as the surviving Guild members try to escape the end of the world.

I got pretty attached to several of the characters and their ultimate fate, but I think this could have worked better as a TV show rather than a REALLY BORING MOBILE GAME. I guess you can watch it as a TV show, if you watch the video above in 30 minute chunks, and if you're okay with beautiful 3D animated cutscenes transitioning into kind of stale sprite art at random.

Alright ending this here. I didn't finish this on Friday as I had some other Things going on, so we're in for a double feature! Hopefully, I'll continue on the games list which will be out this evening. I'm writing these ahead of time so who knows???

[cherryblossomshadow]

THANK YOU for explaining the pathologic joke

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Image descriptions below the cut:

[Images 1-3 ID and source: Screenshots from hbomberguy's video, "Pathologic is Genius, And Here's Why." The character Bachelor (Daniil Dankovsky) has said, "Truth does not do as much good in the world as the appearance of truth does evil." The subtitles tell you that hbomberguy is saying,

Oh, wow. That's a good quote. I'm gonna use that in a future video and pretend a philosopher said it. Watch out for that.

/end ID]

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[Image 4 ID and source: Screenshot from hbomberguy's video, "Plagiarism and You(Tube)." White text on a starry background seems like it is the kind of pithy quote you would see on Facebook etc. The official Pathologic portrait for the Bachelor is used as a floating head to the right of the text, adding to that impression. The text reads:

Truth does not do as much good in the world as the appearance of truth does evil. - Daniil Dankovsky

/end ID]

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[Image 5 ID: Meme of John Mulaney from the Netflix Is A Joke special, saying "and then I didn't," edited to read:

and then he did

/end ID]

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[Image 6 ID: Screenshot from hbomberguy's video, "Plagiarism and You(Tube)." hbomberguy is staring into the camera, talking, with Image 4 floating to the left of his head /end ID]

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[Image 7 ID and source: Screenshot from hbomberguy's video, "Plagiarism and You(Tube)." hbomberguy is still talking, with Image 4 still floating to the left of his head. There is new text on the screen, below his face, reading:

"Truth does not do as much good in the world as the appearance of truth does evil." - François de La Rochefoucauld

A portrait of Rochefoucauld floats to the right of the text /end ID]

might have taken like 4 years but oh boy he sure made good on that promise lol

[crowdvscritic]

round up // MARCH 24

This March Round Up is one of the most media-diverse I’ve ever published. Two books! Two miniseries! One museum! One telecast! And somehow, most of them eventually come back to the same topic: movies. 

Now that the Oscars have named their 2023 victors (“My eyes see Oppenheimer!!!”), it feels like the 2024 movie year has finally started, and one major Awards Season contender is already out. (Keep reading to see if it is Kong x Godzilla!) Three of my top 10 picks this month are new films, but this brief pause between Awards Season and summer blockbusters means I have time for indulgent activities like reading books and playing Turner Classic Movies roulette on the DVR. May lulls like these between your busy seasons be just as enjoyable with these pop culture faves…

March Crowd-Pleasers

1. The Fury by Alex Michaelides (2024)

You know it’s a good book when it’s already past your bedtime, you see that you have 100 pages left, and still say, “Yeah, there’s no way I’m not finishing this tonight.” I made this my January Book of the Month because it sounded like Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (my favorite movie of 2022), but this doesn’t center on a Benoit Blanc-style detective. At the center is a charming, unreliable narrator (one I kept picturing as John Mulaney) recounting the murder of a starlet (whom I kept picturing as Carole Lombard) while on vacation with her friends and family. I read 75% of this murder mystery set on a private Greek in one sitting because I couldn’t put it down!

2. Road House (2024)

Thank goodness Jake Gyllenhaal seems to be losing interest in prestige projects because he’s best when he’s a lil’ crazy. That’s just one reason this Road House is even more fun than the original. Read my full review for ZekeFilm. Crowd: 10/10 // Critic: 7/10

3. Barbie: The World Tour by Margot Robbie and Andrew Mukamal (2024)

I have referenced Barbie in almost every Round Up since it came out, and I'm not slowing down now. This new book from Margot Robbie and her stylist Andrew Mukamal catalogs each of her Barbie press tour looks inspired the doll’s historical closet, giving side-by-side comparisons the head-to-toe looks on the doll and on Robbie. With designers’ sketches and insight into how Robbie and Mukamal made their sartorial choices, it makes for a gorgeous coffee table book.

4. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Big things go smash! I stopped by KMOV to chat about the newest Godzilla/Kong team-up with Joshua Ray, which won’t send you away smarter but probably in a better mood. Watch the full review. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 4/10

5. SNL Round Up

I’m noticing my Saturday Night Live Round Ups are shorter this year, which is probably thanks to a greener cast. But I am always rooting for Studio 8H, and these three were worth re-watching and sharing in the text thread: 

“Detectives” (4913 with Sydney Sweeney)

“Loud Table” (4913)

“Moulin Rouge” (4914 with Josh Brolin)

More March Crowd-Pleasers: Morgan Freeman, Keanu Reeves, and Rachel Weisz get caught up in a murder plot surrounding a new energy source in Chain Reaction (1996) // Before Zodiac, Kurt Russell was a Miami Journal reporter investigating a serial killer in The Mean Season (1985)

March Critic Picks

1. Art in Bloom at the St. Louis Art Museum

Every spring SLAM invites floral artists to create arrangements inspired by pieces in the museum’s collection. As always, this event inspires me to look at works I’ve seen dozens of times in new ways, and I always discover flowers that make me wish my thumbs were more verdant.

2. Dune: Part Two (2024)

Dune is weird, but I love that it hasn’t stopped it from sourcing an endless supply of memes. Even more, I love that a vision as grand as this one has taken root in pop culture, that a new crop of young actors are catapulting movie stardom into the next generation, and that this epic is as concerned with philosophy and the craft of filmmaking as much as blockbuster-style spectacle. Crowd: 8.5/10 // 9/10

3. The Sixties (2014)

And now I’ve finally finished CNN’s decade miniseries. Though these series aren’t revolutionary—The Sixties episodes include “The War in Vietnam,” “The British Invasion,” and “The Space Race”—they provide more depth and insight than a Wikipedia article with plenty of interviews and primary source footage. (And perhaps too much insight with an 85-minute episode about the JFK assassination, which is steeped in more conspiracy theories than are worth mentioning.) Each of CNN's decade series has impressed me with the connections drawn to today, and The Sixties is no exception.

4. The 96th Oscars

It’s a treat when the consensus is that the Oscars ceremony was…good? It’s been a few years since that was the popular opinion! Not only were the winners a pretty solid selection, but most of the bits worked, most of the musical performances were solid, and it finished…early? These were my favorite moments during the brisk evening:

Past Best Supporting Actress winners celebrate this year’s nominees and winner, Da’Vine Joy Randolph

Past Best Supporting Actor winners celebrate this year’s nominees and winner, Robert Downey Jr.

Past Best Actor winners celebrate this year’s nominees and winner, Cillian Murphy

Past Best Actress winners celebrate this year’s nominees and winner, Emma Stone (even though I was rooting for Lily Gladstone)

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito rib Michael Keaton and present Best Visual Effects to the charming Godzilla Minus One crew

John Cena demonstrates the value of our Best Costume nominees

Kate McKinnon and America Ferrera present Best Documentary (though they’re not always sure which films are fact and which are fiction)

Ryan Gosling (and many more Kens) perform “I’m Just Ken”

“My eyes see Oppenheimer!!”

5. The Power of Film (2024)

Onetime UCLA professor Howard Suber walks us through some of the most popular and memorable films in history in this new Turner Classic Movies miniseries. He explains why they’ve passed the test of time, analyzing storytelling motifs and themes like destiny, love, heroes vs. villains, and paradox. I’m still thinking about some of his insights (e.g. there are no good characters, only good character relationships), and I compiled the 275 films he uses as examples on in a Letterboxd list.

More March Critic Picks: A Letter to Three Wives (1949) is a light-on-its-feet melodrama about three women wondering which of their husbands is about to leave them // Naughty Marietta (1935) pulls off the princess-with-a-mistaken-identity rom-com trope with a dash of music // A Double Life (1947) is a killer thriller (pun intended) about the dangers of taking inspiration from Othello in real life // Before Mr. Deeds, Gary Cooper was a more earnest small town simpleton who stumbles into millions in Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936) // Susan Hayward more than earns her Oscar for her performance based on a semi-true story about a woman on death row in I Want to Live! (1958) // Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor didn’t make me cry like the remake does, but their relationship in Father of the Bride (1950) is still sweetly moving 70+ years later // Even if it didn’t star Rock Hudson and Lauren Bacall, Written on the Wind (1956) would still look phenomenal because it’s directed by Douglas Sirk, but thank goodness they both get to cook in his Technicolor vision

Also in March…

I chipped in on a ZekeFilm piece on the Oscar-nominated live action shorts with a paragraph about Wes Anderson’s “The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar”

I also reviewed the perfectly pleasant Kung Fu Panda 4 for ZekeFilm…

…and for KMOV, where I also made some Oscar predictions before the big night.

Photo credits: The Fury, Barbie. Art in Bloom my own. All others IMDb.com.

[thevampirediariesdiary]

1.13 Children of the Damned

I remembered this episode being slower, so I thought I could write a normal length recap again...I was wrong

The episode opens in 1864, at night on a lonely section of road.  Katherine is knelt over a prone body, exercising her gift for histrionics (a gift which, according to my first boyfriend, I share).  “Please, my husband, he’s hurt!” she begs a passing coach driver.  He tells her it’s not safe to be out, she agrees, and eats him: “And that’s how it’s done!”  The previously-prone body sits up, and to my everlasting shock (this episode gets me every time), it’s Damon.  He is visibly shaken, a little bit put off, but stubbornly sticking to his guns: “I’m ready, I want you to turn me.”  “When it’s time,” Katherine tells him.

Back in the present day, Elena wakes up in Stefan’s bed.  She wishes him a good morning, he answers, “I could get used to this.”  “Rise and shine,” pipes up Damon, who has invited himself to the sleepover, as per usual, and is sitting on the end of the bed.  “Damon, please!” Elena complains; “What are you doing?” Stefan wails.  “Stop being smutty,” says Damon, nonsensically.  “Get out of here,” Stefan repeats. “If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it,” Damon says.  Elena and Stefan make the following hilarious faces. 

Damon brings everyone up to speed on the current plan, and ropes Elena into finding the Gilbert journal, because she’s a Gilbert and also because Stefan’s helping and she’s “taken up residency in Stefan’s bed”.  She agrees.  “Y’know, I really like this menage a threesome team thing,” says Damon, “it’s got a little bit of kink to it.”  

Later, Elena asks Stefan if he thinks Damon believes that they’re really trying to help him.  “Trust isn’t something that comes naturally to him,” Stefan says.  “You know,” Elena says, thoughtfully, “I really think that Damon believes that everything he’s done, every move he’s made, he’s done for love.  It’s twisted, but...kind of sad.”  Stefan dismisses this with the non sequitur that Damon has no regard for human life.  This is true - but it doesn’t make Elena’s point any less true.  Stefan could do with reading some Aristotle.

Alaric does his grading at school.  At first I thought this was depressing, but then I thought maybe it’s just because school is where he’s stashed his compressed air stake gun.  He hears something, grabs the gun out of a duffel in a locker, and shoots - but Stefan snatches the stake out of the air.  It’s pretty cool.  Stefan convinces Alaric to tell him what he knows, finds out that Damon killed Alaric’s wife, and tries to warn him off of revenge.  But the purpose of Stefan’s visit - the Gilbert journal - is already gone, taken by Anna, who, for a homeschooler, spends a remarkable amount of time lurking around the school.

In 1864, Giuseppe Salvatore tells his sons it’s finally time to fight back against the vampires, even though he doubts Damon’s ability to commit to a cause.  “Damon left the Confederacy on principle,” Stefan says, “it was his choice and it should be respected.”  His sweet defense of his beloved brother goes unheard: “Hard to respect a deserter,” Giuseppe says.  “I never asked for your respect,” Damon spits.  It’s more clear than ever that he’s already picked a side in the vampire-versus-human fight, and his father’s needling only pushes him further in that direction.

The next scene change is gloriously random and unexplained.  Damon is chopping a tomato, and says “My father never approved of anyone I dated, which only made me want them more, of course.  What about you?”  And who should he be talking to?

It’s JENNA, drinking wine and sitting on the counter!!  They banter back and forth about romantic histories, and Logan Fell, whose disappearance Damon asks about idly.  Jenna says he’s on vacation, not missing, and badmouths him while Damon very attentively refills her wine glass.  As evidence in the Can-Damon-Cook-Or-Not discourse, which might be purely between @septembersung and I, this scene is actually kind of neutral.  Later we’re shown Damon tasting what looks like a tomato sauce, so that’s probably the end goal, but here he has tomatoes, chopped mushrooms, green onions, garlic, black olives, and parmesan.....I dunno, I wouldn’t put all those things together...maybe the Salvatores are from a different part of Italy than I am??  Damon says hello to Elena before she enters the room, she enters, looking very confused.  Jenna cheerfully tells her they’re cooking dinner - I’m pretty sure she’s not even compelled, she’s just having fun.  Damon asks after Stefan, Elena says he’s on the way.

Cut to Damon and Elena maneuvering around one another in the kitchen.

“Don’t do that,” Elena says. “What?” says Damon, innocent.  “You know what, that move was deliberate!” “Well, yeah, I was deliberately trying to get to the - sink!”  She just rolls her eyes.  “Speaking of Stefan,” Damon says, even though they weren’t except insofar as Elena told him not to flirt-run-into her, “where is he?  He’s missing family night, which I am enjoying immensely.”  Elena again doesn’t answer, just sort of sighs - likely because despite Damon’s always-sarcastic tone, he clearly is enjoying himself, and based on her earlier comment, she clearly does feel sorry for him in his loneliness and desperation for love.  Into the silence, Damon says, “Is it real?”  “Is what real?” she asks.  “This renewed sense of brotherhood.  Can I trust him?”  “Yes, you can trust him,” Elena says.  She’s almost as awkward a liar as Stefan; they deserve each other.  Damon vamps over to her, she turns to face him and isn’t even surprised at his closeness, where only a few episodes ago she would have startled.  “Can I trust him?” Damon repeats.  “I’m wearing vervaine, Damon, it’s not going to work,” she says.  “I’m not compelling you!” says Damon, looking peeved that she would accuse him of trying:

“I just want you to answer me, honestly.”  “Of course you can,” Elena says.  Damon flashes back to 1864, begging Stefan to promise not to tell their father about Katherine.  “There was a time when I trusted him more than anyone,” he tells Elena.  “Trust breeds trust,” says Elena, “you have to give it to get it.”  “Are you lecturing me?” he asks.  “Do you need to be lectured?” she counters.  “I just want her back,” Damon says, “I’m sure you can understand that.”  “I can understand that you would do anything for her,” Elena answers, her I-learned-how-to-lie-from-Stefan voice back.  “Then you understand what I will do if anyone gets in my way,” Damon tells her, standing close behind her and speaking into her ear.  

Barely-veiled threats out of the way, family night continues: Damon and Jeremy play video games.  Jeremy pauses the game to read a text without warning, Damon looks utterly betrayed:

They discuss girls, in particular the one Jeremy is texting, whom he admits is hot, but who can be weird.  “Hot trumps weird, trust me,” Damon says.  I literally have no idea if he is referring to Katherine, Elena, or himself.  In the next room, Jenna tells Elena, “He is ridiculously hot.”  Damon is pleased:

“Shhhh!” Elena tells her aunt, and then looks over at Damon and enunciates in tones she knows aren’t hushed enough to go unheard by vamp-hearing, “he’s an ass.”

This goes in the same category as the sweet grin and eyebrows after asking Stefan to dance in the last episode.  She’s antagonizing him, in a playful way that shows she trusts he won’t retaliate violently.  Anyway, Jenna doesn’t seem put off.  In fact...I kind of ship it??  help

Stefan finally arrives, and is lowkey HORRIFIED when Damon and Elena open the door together.  All three of them go to interrogate Jeremy about the Gilbert journal and who knows about it.  “Why is everybody so obsessed with that thing??” says Jeremy.  He has a point.  TVD loves its macguffins.  Damon and Jeremy drive to the grill to meet hot-weird Anna; Damon sees her and flashes back to 1864 again, talking to Anna’s mother Pearl while arm-in-arm with Katherine in the apothecary shop.  There’s also a great bit when Katherine says Pearl is “saving herself for Jonathan Gilbert”, and Pearl replies “I am beyond saving, we know that”.  Present-day Damon and Anna have a moderately violent heart to heart; she suggests working together, since they both want the tomb opened.  “Sorry,” says Damon, already walking away, “I work alone.”  And with good reason, because Stefan and Elena have already betrayed him, and are in the cemetery digging up Stefan’s dear old dad on information they got from Alaric.

We learn at last that the townspeople took down the vampires by dosing Stefan with vervaine; it’s the same strategy Stefan used when he dosed Caroline, and Giuseppe knew it would work because Stefan broke his promise to Damon and tried to counsel his father against fighting the vampires.

Damon confronts Stefan and Elena in the cemetery.  “I can’t let you bring her back, I’m sorry,” Stefan tells him.  “Well so am I, for thinking for even a second that I could trust you.”  “You’re not capable of trust!” Stefan says disdainfully, “the fact that you’re here means you read the journal and were planning on doing this yourself!”  “Course I was gonna do it by myself, because the only one I can count on is me,” Damon shouts, “you made sure of that years ago, Stefan.  But you...”  His voice breaks and he turns to Elena, who has the grace to look ashamed.  “You had me fooled,” Damon tells her, looking genuinely shattered.  Honest-to-goodness twinkly score music plays.  They stare at one another, Elena drops her gaze, Damon works his jaw manfully.  “So what are you gonna do now?” he asks. “Because if you try to destroy that I’ll rip her heart out.”  “You won’t kill her,” Stefan says, confident in this fact despite everything.  Damon nods almost imperceptibly; Stefan shakes his.  Damon vamps over and grabs Elena.  “I can do one better,” he says calmly, then bites his arm and force-feeds Elena his blood.  “Give me the book, Stefan, or I’m snapping her neck, and you and I will have a vampire girlfriend.”  (You and I?? you and I?????? Katherine who)  “Let her go first,” Stefan says, shaken.  “The book.”  “I’m not gonna give this to you until she’s standing next to me.”  “The problem is,” says Damon, sounding increasingly desperate, “I no longer trust that you’ll give it back!”  “You just did the one thing that ensures that I will,” Stefan says.  Damon appears to acknowledge this; just like Damon would do anything (almost) to get Katherine back, Stefan will do anything to keep Elena safe.  There are some things you can count on, things you can trust, and love is one of them.  

Stefan puts the book down between them.  Damon...appears to toy with the idea of kissing Elena’s head??

Then, very gently, he lets her go, running his fingers through her hair before guiding her towards Stefan.  She runs into his arms; they look at Damon like they can’t believe he went that far - or maybe can’t believe he didn’t go further.

There’s a brilliant bit of face acting here by Ian; he doesn’t look sorry, exactly...but he doesn’t look proud, and he certainly doesn’t look uncaring.  He looks like he did what he had to do, and he’s not happy about it, but he would do it all over again.  

He knows he gave something away when he didn’t kill her.  But I think he also knows he lost something by threatening to turn her.  She betrayed his trust, so he betrayed her right back, and like his move in the kitchen, it was completely deliberate.

Other stuff happens, I guess.  Stefan admits that Damon put his faith in him, and he destroyed that, so it is his fault.  Elena tells him he didn’t do anything wrong.  I don’t agree with her, but whatever.  Stefan wanders downstairs to get her some aspirin, Jenna tries to flex her legal-guardian muscles and tells him he’s not staying the night, and to keep the door open.  I’d be more impressed if we hadn’t already been told Elena’s taken up residency in Stefan’s bed.  But when Stefan goes back upstairs, Elena’s gone - stolen away by the friend Jeremy invited over, Anna. 

Eyebrow Watch: domestic edition

previous episode  // next episode

[runtosleepdreamer]

Thoughts for venom 2’s second trailer:

(I watched it twice and this is in no particular order iykyk ig)

“I need you to come out. Right. Now.” And venoms just like naw fam “that is a RED one” Lmao what are they classified by colors????

“I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me” *punches Eddie again*

No wonder Eddie punches him back cuz — Good news! They’re not abusive! Eddie is trying to be patient! Thank god that makes me feel so better after the leaked trailer

(I’m guessing Eddie punches Venom cuz he loses patience and so Venom just… plasters Eddie to the ceiling)

Please why is Eddie saying “you need to control your aggression” so hot

Also I have no idea what Venom is saying half the time please I’m a hopeless auditorial I need my subtitles

Okay bear with me but I’m guessing Cletus having some of Eddie’s ‘not blood’ is what spawns Carnage?

Ok but where does Cletus go if Carnage opens… her? Their?? Torso up for the bullets to go through

Venom saying “OH YEAH” gives me serotonin

“I’ll let you eat everybody” *John Mulaney voice* and he said, you know, like a liar!

Tl;dr? My overall thoughts:

LMAO and WHAT THE FUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEEVERLOVINGFUCKITYFUCKERSFUCK

[thejadecount]

Here have some Lloyd Headcanons

Also yes polyninja (Jay x Cole x Kai x Zane) is a thing in this and this specifically pre-movie Lloyd (so maybe I’m not a big fan of the new seasons the designs and lore change caught me off okay)

Even after all these years, he still has a mischievous streak and likes to occasionally catch the other ninja off guard and prank them (which he had gotten very good at thanks to Jay’s teaching)

People say he’s the leader of the ninja, the ninja say he’s the gremlin

Sometimes he can’t help but manically cackle when he laughs

Worst sleeper of the ninja, besides Jay. He’s a night owl and an early bird, so good luck trying to make him sleep more than 5 hours.

Electro pop, rock, My Chemical Romance and Marina and the Diamonds for days.

Gets very uncomfortable and awkward around his fans, especially the more…bolder ones.

You thought Cole had a sweet tooth? Wait until you meet him. The ninja are banned from half of Ninjago’s candy stores because of him.

On the ace-spectrum and either aromantic, demiromantic or panromantic

A good chunk of his clothes are hand-me-downs from the other ninja, some he just straight up stole without the other ninja knowing, the other half are from 3 AM emergency runs to the store for midnight snacks and he happened to find something that caught his interest

Because he’s a terrible sleeper, he can and will fall asleep anywhere if he’s not given anything to do. Leave him alone for more than 2 minutes? Boom, he’s running a free-death trial.

Sarcastic whenever the other ninja are fawning over each other.

*whenever one of the other ninja makes a joke that’s outdated* pfft. Millennials.

Skinny and gets cold very easily. You will find this boy in a sweatshirt in 80 degree weather.

Always carries a fidget cube with him wherever he goes (except on missions).

He has somewhat-fangs and will not hesitate to bite someone if needed (if they’re ever captured, the enemies first mistake was not gagging him).

Cat pupils

He likes cuddling (platonic obvs) with the other ninja and people have learned that if he falls asleep with you touching him somehow that he greatly trusts you and that you have been blessed.

He’s the shortest of the team around 5’ 4”

Because he’s the elemental master of energy his metabolism is extremely weird. Sometimes he’ll be able to eat twice as much as Cole does on the daily and gain no weight whatsoever, but other times he’ll have a few granola bars for a day and call it good.

Swears like a drunken sailor when none of the ninja are there to stop him

He can climb anything. He regularly goes out with Cole to mountain climb. Has no fear of heights whatsoever. One minute he’ll be on the ground the next he’s 50 feet above you.

Lloyd loves to ride in the shopping cart during late-night snack runs

His ears are a bit pointy

Sometimes he’ll put his hair up in a messy man-bun during training

Whatever you do, do not trust a word he says during April Fool’s Day

He likes getting spoiled but will never admit it

Sometimes he feels left out when the other ninja are cuddling but he doesn’t want to make it awkward for them and ask so he kind of just cuddles with a stuffed animal until they’re done

And yes he does have a stuffed animal he has multiple there’s a dark green snake, a brown ferret, a Mimikyu, an Eevee and they all have names

His favorite Eeveelution is either Umbreon or Slyveon he can’t decide.

He actually doesn’t wear green that much (it gets annoying and boring after wearing it constantly for missions) and when he does it’s either a dark forest green or a jade-camo color.

He likes the colors yellow and purple too

He loves lemon meringue and mint chip ice cream

Him using lipgloss and chapstick is a secret he’ll take to his grave

He smells faintly like a mix of evergreen, mint, vanilla and sugar.

Quotes John Mulaney (or whoever his Ninjago counterpart would be) on the daily and no one understands him and he suffers a little bit everytime time

He also quotes vines, which Kai and Jay will get so that makes the John-Mulaney quoting a bit more bearable

He loves stray cats. But birds are his enemy. Get birds away from him. Especially the white cockatoos with the crazy head feathers that puff out and scream.

He has plants he takes care off and gets very worried if he’s away for too long.

You do not want to see this man angry, and I mean actually angry, pissed off angry, he will instill the fear of God in you. He’ll go quiet, his eyes will turn red (they’re green when they’re not) and he’ll just stare at you. Then he’ll add you onto The List. Look, he isn’t evil, but if somehow he does turn evil…

Sometimes he’ll go to Hot Topic to treat himself

If the ninja want payback for some prank he pulled in them, all they have to do is mention is the bangs he had as a kid and he won’t mess with you for weeks.

[storiesforallfandoms]

backstage ~ pete davidson

word count: 1960

request?: yes!

“Can you do a Pete Davidson smut on the set of SNL”

description: in which a backstage tour turns into something a little more

pairing: pete davidson x female!reader

warnings: swearing, smut

masterlist (one, two)

“And this is the writer’s room,��� Pete said as he led me into a room with a large desk surrounded by multiple chairs. “This is where we come up with the skits and the jokes. There’s John, being the loner he is.”

“You say that like it’s a joke but you’re my best friend so what does that say about you?” John asked, not looking up from his laptop.

Pete chuckled and wrapped an arm around my waist. “Moving on - ”

“Hold on!” I cut him off. “We are not just sweeping past John Mulaney like that. You know how much I love him.”

This made the older comedian look up from his laptop and smile at me. “Oh, I like this girl. She’s got good taste.”

Pete rolled his eyes at the two of us. “You can come back and talk to John before we start filming. This is a big set and I told you I’d show you all of it.”

I playfully pouted at him before waving goodbye to John and continuing to follow Pete through the unfamiliar building.

Pete had been dying to give me a tour of the SNL backstage basically since we had started dating. Our schedules never lined up enough to be able to, but I had finally managed to get a full weekend off and Pete decided to take advantage of that.

The set was much larger than I thought, with every castmate having their own dressing rooms, plus special rooms for the hosts and musical guests. So many rooms for writing and editing, and the massive set where everything was filmed, usually in front of an audience. I didn’t understand how Pete didn’t get lost every day, even if he was familiar with the place.

“And finally,” he said once we neared the end of his tour, “my home away from home.”

He pushed open the door with his name written on a wooden plaque. The room definitely screamed “Pete”. Besides the smell of weed smoke that seemed to linger no matter how long Pete wasn’t there, the room was also littered with little things he liked to have with him at all times: pictures of his dad, his mom, the two of us, little gifts I had always given him for every season premiere, little things from his other friends.

There was a comfortable looking couch along the wall that was begging for me to lay down on it. I sighed in relief the moment my back touched the couch, my legs and feet aching from the heels I decided to wear.

Pete chuckled at my reaction. “I told you to wear something comfortable.”

“And I told you I wanted to make a good impression on your co-stars, which includes a nice outfit.”

I had decided on a long sleeved white shirt and a short, plaid skirt to wear on set, with a pair of black booties that were nice when I put them on, but now that I had been walking around in them for almost an hour I was regretting my wardrobe choices.

Pete smiled and came to lay down on the couch on top of me, his legs between mine and his hands on either side of my head. “Baby, you could wear a garbage bag and everyone here would still be impressed by you.”

“Well, I’ll do that next time then.”

He chuckled and lowered himself so he was kissing me. It was a quick kiss on my lips before he dipped his head to kiss my neck. I giggled as the slight stubble he was starting to grow tickled my neck, followed by a moan as he found the spot on my neck that always drove me wild.

“The skirt does give me some easy access, though,” he mumbled against my neck as one of his hands traced up my bare leg and dipped under my skirt. I gasped as he ran a finger over my clothed clit - or, just barley clothed as I was wearing a G-string. “God, baby, I’ve barley touched you and you’re already soaking wet.”

I moaned as his finger slipped under my G-string and inside of me. He was quick to cover my mouth, a cheeky grin on his face at my reaction.

“You have to be quiet, baby,” he said. “Anyone could come catch us at any time.”

I bit my lip to try and keep quiet as his finger slid in and out of me, first at a slow pace. My moans came out as squeaks and whimpers of pleasure as his pace began to pick up and he slipped another finger into me. I was basically writhing underneath him, which I could tell he was taking a lot of pleasure in.

With two of his fingers in me, he pressed his thumb against my clit and began to rub painfully slow circles, causing my body to arch against him. It was becoming harder to hold back my moans and I had to cover my own mouth with my hand.

“God, this is so fucking dirty,” Pete commented. “Finger fucking my beautiful girl on the couch of my dressing room? Where all my co-workers come in and hang out with me? Man, I’ll never be able to look at this couch the same.”

“It’ll be a nice memory of me,” I said, trying my best to smile up at him but another whimper being let out instead.

“I’ll never not think of you when I’m in this room again,” he confirmed, lowering himself to kiss my neck again.

I was already nearing my climax when Pete’s fingers were removed from my wet core. I looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and my lips pouting. He brought his wet fingers to his lips and took them in his mouth.

“Fuck,” I breathed. I didn’t think it were possible, but I managed to become even more wet at the sight.

“Flip over on your hands and knees baby,” he told me.

I excitedly did as he told me, spinning to be back on to him on my hands and knees. I started reaching for my panties to take them off, but his hand caught hold of my wrists before I could.

“Leave them on,” he said. “I think it’ll be extra hot to fuck you with your skirt and panties still on.”

I nodded excitedly and got back into my position. Pete stood for just a moment, long enough to undo his jeans and let them, and his underwear, fall to the floor. My heart was racing as I felt the couch dip behind me again and Pete pulling my panties to the side as he lined his head up with my entrance.

As he pushed himself inside of me ever so slowly, his other hand came to rest on my back, pushing me down till my head was buried in the couch cushions.

“Best way to keep you quiet,” he said. “I don’t intend to go easy on you.”

“I don’t want you to go easy on me,” I responded.

I looked over my shoulder to see the smile on Pete’s face. He took hold of my waist with both hands and started to thrust slow at first, making sure I was comfortable and fully stretched around him. Once he was sure I was okay, his thrusts gradually got quicker and rougher until he was pounding me so hard that the only sounds in the room were that of skin slapping against skin.

I buried my face in the couch again, trying my best the muffle the moans that were basically turning to screams of pleasure. However this process was basically moot as the sound of our skin slapping against each other and Pete’s own moans and groans of pleasure would definitely alert any passersby of our activities.

Being adventurous with our sex was definitely nothing new to Pete and I. Whenever one of us was in the mood, we’d initiate it wherever we wanted. In bathrooms, fitting rooms, in the back of his car, wherever we could get some form of privacy while also being a little too out in public.

But there was just something different about having him rail me in his dressing room mere minutes before he was set to go live. At any moment someone could walk past, or one of the producers could come knock on the door. Or, heaven forbid if he didn’t lock the door, someone could just walk in and catch the two of us. All of that just made our secret rendezvous a little more naughty and sexy. While I didn’t want to be caught by any means, the thought that it would be so easy to be caught drove me wild.

Pete’s thrusts became so rough that I could hear the couch legs scraping across the floor as it moved. My legs were already feeling like jelly and I had a feeling I was going to have trouble walking to set with Pete when this was over.

His hand ran up my back and through my hair before giving my head a rough tug back. I yelped at the sudden pain that I felt in my head before it dissolved into a moan. Pete pulled me back till my back was against his chest and leaned in close to my ear.

“You feel so good,” he breathed into my ear. “God, even after all this time, you’re still so tight around me.”

“You keep talking like that and I’ll cum around your cock in no time.”

The hand in my hair crept around my front to grab me by the throat. “You say that as if it’s not what I wanted.”

His other hand slipped between my legs and began rubbing at my clit, causing all sorts of pleasure to run through me. My body started to tremble as I felt myself nearing my climax. The hand around my throat squeezed slightly as I let out a cry of pleasure, my walls tightening around him.

Pete grunted in my ear a few more times before I felt him filling me up as well. I took a deep breath in when he let go of my throat, although my head was still spinning.

Pete pulled out of me just in time for a knock to come on his door. “Give me a second!”

He quickly pulled his pants and boxers back on as I adjusted my skirt and panties. Although I was sure whoever was at the door wouldn’t notice the wet spot that had suddenly appeared on the couch, I still decided to cover it with a pillow just in case.

One of the producers was stood at the door. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that we’re starting in roughly five minutes!”

“Thanks, I’ll be there soon,” Pete responded. He shut the door and looked back at me. His eyes travelled down to my legs as an amused look crossed his face. “You got something on your leg there hun.”

I looked down to see a single string of warm liquid running down my inner thigh. “Oh fuck.”

I reached for a tissue but Pete stopped me. “Wait, don’t clean it yet. I’d love to know you’re in the audience watching me with my cum running down your legs.”

“Okay, that’s hot, but I don’t want your co-workers thinking I peed myself or something.”

“I’ll tell them the truth if you want.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved him towards the door. “Go to set! Let me clean up. I’m sure there’s more there that can fulfil this fantasy you have.”

Pete smiled down and gave me one last kiss before rushing to set.

[waitimcomingtoo]

Valentine’s Day Blues

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Synopsis: In the midst of planning Valentine’s Day and his brothers party, Tom forgets your birthday

happy birthday to @bluelilly21 !! 🥳

Masterlist

The first time you met Tom, you were crashing his brothers birthday party. In your defense, it was Valentine’s Day, as well as your birthday, and you didn’t want to be alone. So when your best friend said she was going with her boyfriend to some party, you tagged along.

“Hey mate. Thanks for the party. We’re gonna be heading out soon.” Tuwaine shouted over the music of Harry and Sam’s birthday party.

“Thanks so much for coming.” Tom said as he pulled him into a hug. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“You too, mate. Wait one second.” Tuwaine turned around and found his girlfriend in the crowd. “I want you to meet my girlfriend”.

“Hi. I’m Yara.” A girl came from behind Tuwaine and put her hand out to shake Tom’s.

“And I’m bored.” You announced as you stumbled into Yara’s arms. “Can we go, please?”

“In a minute.” She laughed as she held you up. “I haven’t said goodbye to everyone yet.”

“But I did and if I stick around it’ll be awkward.” You whined in her ear, making Tom laugh. Yara gave Tom a look that told him this wasn’t her first time having to take care of you.

“I said my goodbyes already. I could stay with you until Yara is done.” Tom offered. You picked your head off of Yara’s shoulder and squinted at Tom, finally noticing that he was standing there.

“Yeah. Why don’t you stay with Tom?” Yara spoke in a motherly tone as she helped you stand up straight.

“But I don’t know him.” You whispered to her, just loud enough for Tom to hear. He understood you not wanting to be left alone with a stranger while drunk, so he didn’t take any offense to it.

“He’s Tuwaine’s best friend.” She assured you. “I wouldn’t leave you alone with someone I didn’t trust.”

“Okay.” You sighed before facing Tom. “But don’t try anything. I have a gun.”

“She doesn’t.” Yara whispered behind her hand. “Play nice.”

“Bite me.” You nipped at her, making her laugh.

“I will.” She smiled and pulled you into a hug. “Love you, girl.”

“Love you.” You mumbled before letting her go. She disappeared back into the crowd, leaving you alone with Tom. You were a little too drunk to remember your manners, so you just stared at him, unapologetically sizing him up.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Tom.” Tom reached out to shake your hand.

“Y/n.” You told him as you dapped him up. Tom laughed a little at your movement and checked you out.

“How come I haven’t seen you before?” He asked, taking a step closer so you could hear him over the music.

“Excuse me.” You put on a voice. “I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. And I’m new in town.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” Tom frowned. “Do you need a place to sleep tonight?”

“Dude, I’m joking.” You laughed in shock. “Haven’t you heard of John Mulaney?”

“No.” Tom shook his head. “Is he your friend?”

“He’s a comedian.” You said like it was obvious. “Don’t they have comedy in England?”

“Our teeth are pretty funny looking.” Tom shrugged, making you smile.

“Hm.” You looked him up and down. “Cute and funny.”

“So how much of what you just told me was true?” Tom asked as he took a sip of his drink.

“Nothing except for the fact that I’m new in town.” You seemed to sober up a little. “But Yara and I go way back.”

“Same with me and Tuwaine.”

“I know. He’s been talking you up to me for a year now.” You chuckled as you pulled a water bottle out of your bag.

“Has he?” Tom raised an eyebrow. “What did he say?”

“That what you lack in height you make up for in charm.” You insulted him flirtatiously.

“What’s the verdict?” Tom stepped closer again. “Was he right?”

“You’d really let me sleep at your place if I was homeless?” You questioned him and you decided whether you liked him or not.

“I would.”

“Well, then he was right.” You batted your eyelashes and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “You’re definitely short.”

“Damn.” Tom shook his head as you pulled away laughing.

“I’m sorry.” You chuckled. “But you’re pretty charming as well.”

“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.” Tom flirted.

“Guess what?” You went up on your tip toes to whisper in his ear. “It’s my birthday today.”

“Is it really?” He asked. “It’s my brothers birthday too.”

“Isn’t this their party?” You realized, and Tom nodded. “I hope you don’t mind I tagged along with Yara. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I didn’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t mind at all.” Tom told you. “I’m sorry about your breakup. Now that I know you’re single, you know what it really makes me want to do?”

“What’s that?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Get you a cab and make sure you get home safe.” Tom smiled softly as you as he gave you a comforting squeeze on your arm.

“That would be lovely.” You said in appreciation. You took Tom by the hand and began to walk with him towards the exit. “I’m glad I met you Tom.”

“I’m glad I met you too, darling.”

You didn’t kiss him that night, though you wanted to. It took about a month of knowing each other for you to finally kiss him. But once you did, you were inseparable.

It was a full year since the party, meaning yours and the twins birthday had come around again. It was also Valentine’s Day, your very first one with Tom. You woke up before him and walked into the kitchen, smiling at the dozen roses he had set on the table. Next to the roses was a box of chocolates at your spot at the kitchen table, but no birthday card. You furrowed your eyebrows a little but didn’t have time to think about it when your phone rang. You answered it and thanked the person for the birthday wishes as Tom entered the room.

“Sorry.” You smiled as you put your phone down. “I had a phone call.”

“Good morning. Happy Valentine’s days.” Tom’s voice was husky with sleep as he pulled you into a long kiss.

“Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.” You smiled against his lips before kissing him again.

“I have to call my brothers before I forget.” Tom kissed your forehead before pulling away. “Then I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Yeah.” You narrowed your eyes at him to see if he was joking. “You wouldn’t want to forget a birthday.”

Tom didn’t take the hint as your phone began to ring again.

“Your phone is ringing again?” He raised his eyebrows. “Someone’s popular.”

“I guess I am.” You mumbled, realizing that he had indeed forgotten. You took your phone call and tried to give Tom the benefit of the doubt. It was his brothers birthday, after all. Maybe he was just waiting to say it to them first. You came back to the kitchen after the call just as Tom was putting pancakes on the table.

“There you are.” He grinned and made grabby hands at you. “I want to spend every second together until the party. It kinda sucks our first Valentine’s Day together is also my brothers birthday. I’d rather spend the day with you.”

“It’s okay.” You shrugged sadly. “Birthdays are important.”

“I know.” He ironically agreed. “Maybe we can leave early and have some alone time.”

“Sure baby.” You faked a smile. “Let’s just eat, okay?”

You didn’t want to fight with him, especially on Valentine’s Day, so you made peace and sat down with him to eat breakfast. You were hurt that he had forgotten your birthday, but he at least remembered Valentine’s Day. You decided that that was better than nothing and tried to push it from your mind.

Tom had a few last minute errands to run before his brothers party, which you were slightly relieved about. You didn’t really want to spend the day with him after he forgot your birthday. He kissed you goodbye multiple times, harping on how sorry he was to leave you on Valentine’s Day. You sighed deeply once he left, feeling tears threaten your eyes in his absence. Every time he mentioned the party or Valentine’s Day, you were reminded that he had forgotten about you.

Tom came home once you had already started getting ready. You had your dress on and were talking a phone call as he got dressed.

“Are you almost ready to go, love?” Tom asked as he buttoned his shirt.

“One minute.” You mouthed as you pointed to your phone. The conversation finished up quickly and you hung up.

“Did someone leak your phone number or something?” Tom wondered. “It’s been going off all day.”

“Oh, you know.” You shrugged, not wanting to start something. “It’s a special occasion.”

“Valentine’s day is not that special.” He laughed as he came behind you to look in the mirror. “But you look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” You smiled tightly as you put in your earrings. Tom went in to kiss you, but you moved so he’s only get your cheek. He clocked your strange behavior but shrugged it off as he grabbed his keys.

~

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH!” Yara screamed from across the room when she saw you at the party. She ran to you and threw her arms around you, squeezing you tightly. She kissed both your cheeks before placing a tiara on your head.

“There. So everyone knows you’re the birthday girl.” She smiled proudly as she fixed your hair.

“Thank you.” You grinned as you squeezed her hands. “I appreciate you.”

“Well it’s my best friends birthday. I had to do something.” She shrugged playfully. “What did Tom get you?”

“Tom forgot.” You blurted, trying to keep a straight face. “He hasn’t said anything yet.”

“What?” Yara’s face fell. “He threw his brothers this party but didn’t even wish you a happy birthday?”

“There’s a lot going on today.” You tried to defend him. “He wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. And he got me roses.”

“It’s your birthday.” She didn’t let up. “It is his girlfriends birthday. He should know that.”

“It’s okay.” You shrugged it off, but she could tell you were upset.

“It’s not.” She didn’t let up. “Where is he now?”

“Last time I saw him, he was with Tuwaine.” You told her. “I didn’t really want to be around him right now.”

“Good.” Yara nodded as she fixed your hair. “Leave him be until he figures it out.”

“Is that the birthday girl?” A familiar voice came from behind you, making you smile.

“Happy birthday, you two.” You greeted Sam and Harry as you handed them separate birthday cards.

“Happy birthday to you too, princess.” Harry teased as he flicked your tiara. They pulled you into a group hug that lingered while Sam rubbed your back.

“This is for you.” Sam handed you a card.

“And this is from us.” Harry winked as he handed you a small black box.

“Thanks guys.” You smiled in appreciation. “I put your gifts in the back room. Should I get them?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sam waved his hand. “Open it.”

You opened the box and found a thin black brackets with a straight metal pendant. The pendant had dots and lines going across it, making you look at the twins in confusion.

“It says “Holland” is Morse code. We have them too.” Harry explained as he showed you his matching bracelet.

“It’s to show that you’re part of our family now.” Sam added. “So people know you’re our sister.”

“Thats…” ,you stared at the bracelet for a moment, feeling sentimental tears coming to your eyes, “that’s really sweet, guys. Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

You pulled them into another group hug before letting them get back to their party.

“They remembered.” Yara gave you a pointed look.

“I should probably get back to the party.” You changed the subject, not wanting to sit in self pity. “Thank you for the tiara. You’re the best best friend I could ask for.”

“You’re welcome.” Yara told you as she hugged you tightly. “Happy birthday. I’m sorry your boyfriend is dumb.”

You gave her a look before heading back to the main area of the party. The second you saw Tom, you felt a disappointment in your stomach. He was laughing and having a good time while you were upset. You wished you didn’t care as much as you did, but you were hurt. He had forgotten your birthday and didn’t seem to care.

“Hey. There you are.” Tom smiled when he spotted you, already tipsy as he tried to hug you. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“Yeah.” You said flatly and moved away from him. “I’m gonna go get a drink.”

Tom pouted briefly at your odd behavior as Yara and a friend of yours approached him.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Your friend, KC, shouted over the music.

“She just left to get a drink.” Tom told her. “She’ll be back soon.”

“Good.” KC nodded. “I have to wish her happy birthday. I called her first thing this morning but I want to tell her in person.”

“It’s my brothers birthday, actually.” Tom corrected her. “They’re over by the pool table.”

“I know.” She laughed shortly. “But it’s Y/n’s birthday too.”

“She’s a Valentine’s baby.” Yara said sweetly while shooting daggers at Tom. “Isn’t that so cute?”

“What?” Tom jutted his head back. “It’s not her birthday. Her birthday is-“

“Today.” KC raised an eyebrow at Tom. “Did you not know?”

“I think he knew.” Yara stated with a hand on her hip. “He just forgot.”

“Oh no. I’m such an asshole.” Tom covered his mouth with his hand. “I can’t believe I forgot her birthday.”

“She couldn’t believe it either.” Yara shrugged. “You’re not gonna live this one down. This is exactly what happened last time.”

“Don’t say that.” KC said in a hushed tone, making Tom grow concerned.

“What do you mean?” Toms eyes darted between the two of them. “What happened last time?”

“Her ex did this last year and she was totally devastated.” KC told him. “He texted her “happy v day” and did nothing all day. They didn’t last a day after that.”

“Really? That’s why they broke up?” Tom began to panic. He knew about the ex, but you had never told him why you broke up.

“Yeah. She felt ignored.” Yara said unsympathetically towards Tom. “She was crying at my apartment until I brought her to your brothers party. That’s when you met, dummy.”

“Oh no.” Tom whined and looked around for you. “Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

“I’m not so sure.” KC shook her head.

“Why do you say that?” Tom panicked at her confidence.

“Because I’m pretty sure she just left.” KC said as she pointed behind Tom. Tom wiped around right as you walked out the door. Harry and Sam were standing near by, still waving to you as you left. Tom rushed over to them, already seeing the disappointment on their faces before he got there.

“Dude, what did you do?” Harry asked, a little annoyed with Tom. “You didn’t wish Y/n a happy birthday?”

“You literally met on her birthday last year.” Sam added. “How could you forget that?”

“I don’t know!” Tom groaned, angry with himself. “It completely slipped my mind. I got her chocolates and roses though.”

“For Valentine’s Day.” Harry interjected. “Not her birthday. You’ve been together for almost a year and you didn’t wish her happy birthday. That’s cold, mate.”

“What did she say to you guys?” Tom asked. “Was she upset?”

“She was crying.” Sam told him, making Tom hang his head in shame.

“I gotta go.” Tom decided. “I have to make it up to her.”

“You can try.” Harry shrugged. “I don’t really think she wants to talk to you.”

“And I don’t really blame her.” Sam mumbled under her breath. Tom let out another sigh before getting his things and leaving the party. He stopped by the store to get a few things before driving home to you.

~

Once Tom got home, he peered around a wall and found you sitting on the couch reading a book. He took a deep breath before putting on his most apologetic smile.

“Happy birthday.” Tom said weakly as he presented you with a cupcake. He sat down on the couch next to you but you didn’t budge.

“Who told you?” You asked without looking up. Tom sighed and set the cupcake on the coffee table so he could talk to you.

“Yara.” He admitted, and you nodded like you were expecting that. You continued to read your book, putting a nervous feeling in Toms stomach.

“I’m so sorry, princess.” He apologized as he put a hand on your knee. “I completely forgot.”

“I noticed.” You replied coldly, removing his hand.

“How can I make it up to you?” He asked sweetly, hoping you’d give a little.

“It’s fine.” You sighed. “There was a lot going on today. It’s Valentine’s Day and it’s your brothers birthday. And hey, at least you remembered those.”

“It’s not fine.” He frowned. “I can tell you’re upset. I’m so sorry.”

You finally put your book down and stared straight ahead, not knowing what you wanted to say yet.

“I am upset.” You said, like you were admitting it to yourself. “And I’m not sure why.”

“Because I forgot your birthday.” Tom reminded you quietly.

“But it’s only your first offense.” You thought out loud. “This is just strike one.”

“What?” Tom furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m not following, love.”

“I’m trying to say that you’ve been a really good boyfriend so far.” You finally looked at him. “You pay attention and communicate your feelings and go out of your way to make me happy. You have been a picture perfect boyfriend for the past year and all the sudden…”

“I fucked up.” Tom finished your sentence for you. You laughed softly and nodded.

“Yeah.” You agreed. “So I’m not sure how to react. On the one hand, you forgot my birthday. On the other hand, you were busy all day getting me roses and chocolates and throwing an amazing party for your brothers because that’s the kind of guy you are. Should I be mad that you’re so thoughtful that you took too much on?”

“Are you asking me?” He laughed a little.

“I am.” You softened up and smiled at him. “Because I don’t know what to do. I’m upset you forgot my birthday, but I also know why you forgot. So I’m at a bit of a crossroads right now.”

“Well, the party was no excuse to forget.” Tom didn’t let himself off the hook. “I should have remembered.”

“Yes, you should have.” You agreed. “But this has happened to me before. And the last time it happened, I didn’t get an apology and a cupcake.”

“Yara told me about your ex.” Tom said softly as he put his hand on your knee again. This time, you let him. “I’m not like him.”

“I know you’re not.” You smiled weakly. “You’ve spent the past year proving to me that you’re nothing like him. So yes, I’m upset. But I’m also ready to forgive you.”

“You are?” He asked hopefully, leaning closer to silently ask for a kiss.

“I am.” You accepted his kiss and he smiled in relief. “Just don’t do it again.”

“I won’t.” He promised. “Thank you for forgiving me. I love you.”

“I love you too.” You smiled at him. “Now give me that cupcake.”

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