#thank fuck that they're poly and are willing to fuck around with me

[serial-experiements-bane]

Picturing pegging one of my friends so much that he starts crying and his body hurts from cumming so much. I wanna cut him and choke him and call him a little whore and fuck him so violently that the idea of pain makes him hard and his cock drip

[all-pacas]

ykw the most frustrating part of that is. that's not even how halsin IS. as someone who enjoys him, even if i agree that he probably didn't need to be elevated to companion - he in no way indicates he'd be paternalistic about sex! at every point he just. rolls with it. he's not gonna be explaining consent or stuff unless asked specifically, he's gonna assume his partner knows what they want and trust that they will tell him to stop or change something etc. 1/

And you could argue that could make an INTERESTING dynamic with someone who’s still working through finding what they actually do like, and I mean in the ‘causing interesting issues’ way, if you wanted to go there, but having him just be a dildo attached to a self-help podcast isn’t that. And like it's p clear that he's CHILL about sex, not a walking sex textbook. 2/ He brings up a poly relationship and if you mention you have a partner he’s just like yeah duh I wouldn’t do this without their permission? and YOU get to say if you’re willing to ask them about it, he doesn’t tell you to or not. Doesn’t give you a primer on poly and how to approach it or anything. 3/ not to mention he has his own Extremely Fucked Up backstory about sex that he has obviously a) come to terms with and b) reacted very differently to astarion, but he’s maybe the most likely to understand the need for sexual agency without explaining it in therapy speak. he's got wisdom as his highest stat for a reason 4/ hell, if you go in with him to the drow twins with gale he doesn't even get all uwu consent about gale nervous bamfing out he's just like ‘oh damn, was hoping you'd show us what that wizard mouth do. Anyway watch me fuck your girlfriend and join in if you like :D’. anyway sorry for this essay but damn it annoys me seeing people flatten what could be interesting into 'uwu sad prettyboy gets railed by buff carebear speaking like a tumblr post' /end

railed by buff carebear speaking like a tumblr post YES THAT EXACTLY THANK YOU

i had a tangent in the post i deleted for being too tangental, but since you're allowing me the excuse: i COULD see astarion/halsin in a - they're both lowkey horny. they hook up. like play with the dynamics, you know? they hook up and it's only later halsin finds out about astarion's Trauma (because while he's generally open that cazador was a Bad Time, he doesn't actually go around advertising the specifics). let HALSIN freak out. he remembers his own backstory here, he starts worrying he Took Advantage, he gets all the tumblr takes about it. let astarion - very reluctantly, you know he doesn't wanna play therapist - be the one to lay down the rules. declare his boundaries and horniness.

like there probably IS something you could do with that premise. as little as astarion is inclined to carry anyone's emotional baggage, he does repeatedly, with durge, state he wants to be an equal partner, to protect and not be protected. i can actually easily see him warming to the role of "being needed" - when has anyone ever relied on him? expected anything from him besides a warm body? mind you, he'd probably be terrible at it, but i can see that appealing to him.

hell, you can EVEN make a case that halsin hasn't accepted his backstory as well as astarion. he kind of laughs it off. oh, yeah, it happened, it's over! astarion is actually pretty self aware that he's fucked up and disassociates and forces himself through sex. you could actually have a lot of fun with that in a fanfic. have astarion go "oh, no, you're probably a bit fucked up about that, aren't you?" and halsin be like lol no i'm fine. let astarion be the weird paternalistic one for once, i'm saying. as a Treat.

anyway tl;dr i agree with you. i wrote my little rant about astarion because i feel like i Get the character better, but honestly the dynamic is a huge disservice to halsin, too. what if he doesn't want to be a therapist??? what if he's not into it??? what if he just wanted a hook up with the local pretty boy, huh????

[mangodestroyer]

Yeah, I must admit. It does make me a little cynical realizing how common these toxic relationships are. Hell, I'll admit, I may have learned some toxic behaviors myself just by being around it for so long (but I've been working on unlearning it). You're right, it is very comforting to know that others have been through it as well. That I'm not just some crazy person making all these people hate me and play games with me. At the same time... I've become afraid to bond with others. I just don't get as excited about meeting new people these days. Too many bad experiences! I'm only in my mid-20s, but I already feel like that trope of the grumpy, aloof old man who prefers to live by himself (until someone or something comes by to warm his heart).

Yeah, I do sometimes kick myself for not wising up sooner/ignoring the alarms that told me to leave/ignoring the voice in my head that constantly questioned the authenticity of this person. Ig I thought that maybe I was being too harsh, or that maybe this person expressed love differently. I was raised to believe that the way I am is kind of ridiculous. I'll admit, I also just initially thought that they were the best I could do. I felt so charmed knowing they were even into half of the things I liked at all! Acted like they just "got" me (even though they only seemed to understand on a shallow level/just said they did). I was willing to accept it when they started to backpedal on some things. I've come to find that I'm a unicorn of an individual. I seem to be very unique... and people seem to find my presence confusing at best. I'm insanely open-minded. I don't really vibe much with mainstream culture at all. On top of that... I've just never been good at making friends. Seems I'm better at accidentally making enemies (these days, I've at least gotten better at keeping things neutral/pleasant, so fewer enemies). So despite the landmine of red flags, my lack of experience decided that it was foolish to not give this person a chance. Well, now I know why they're red flags. And looking back... I sometimes have to wonder if this was just a game to this person. Some sick, drawn-out joke. It really didn't feel like they wanted to date me. At best, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they maybe just wanted a roommate, who also happened to be willing to do other things for them (participate in their interests and such). My ex was a straight woman... until they suddenly became pan. Literally zero interest in AFAB individuals previously. And also decided we should be poly and date a man (I was open to this idea in the past, but now I'm 100% monogamous). She would... CONSTANTLY talk about men. She would also only compliment me on my figure... but never actually seemed to want to touch me. So I've never been kissed or anything. Yet another reason I stuck around btw. I've never really felt attractive outside of a short blip of time. I actually did start feeling more attractive in my 20s recently... until I verbalized that and got weird looks from this one person. I had some roommates a little while ago who just seemed repulsed by me (was trying to get to know more queer people irl). I got out of there FAST. And I'm back to sometimes hating my reflection/feeling embarrassed when people look at me. And sometimes hating my personality.

Sorry, that got long-winded again... ig the only other thing I can add to this is... thank GOD (hee hee) I was brought up by atheists! A little mean and negligent? Sure! Yeah, I sometimes feel like a feral human. The ally cat who was never socialized to be around people. But I was given internet access at a young age. I think that helped me find myself at a younger age and question things. I also had no dogma to strictly follow... I mean... I sometimes would get jealous of people who had something to believe in/a community surrounding those beliefs. But the more I learn about religious trauma... the more I feel fucking LUCKY that I at least didn't have to go through that! At the same time, I feel like one freakish free-spirited heathen! And in a country started by Puritans... where half the population is still protestant... I am such an OUTCAST. It's tough. So many people with religious influence feel so stuck up and afraid of life (not that it's their fault). The adult world has just been a bit of a shock for me. Tons of people who are obsessed with hard work and cleanliness. So fucking JUDGMENTAL. They have such a narrow view of how people should be. I am literally too much. I didn't really deem myself wild by any means. I actually used to feel like I didn't know much about... anything! But never mind. Ig I'm wild.

Imo, it's worse when the redflags aren't as obvious. Better to know sooner rather than later. And wow... your husband seems like an ass (no offense). It almost feels like he was just playing games with you... mostly about the thing you care about most. Conveniently. You're right... it is suspicious that he couldn't care less for religion when you were still religious yourself... but then suddenly gave a fuck when you started questioning your faith? And it also sounds like he was trying to make your struggles about himself. Just mindlessly mimicking what you're going through... And yes... ofc he suddenly cares when you're about to end things with him... Now he's going to put on a show?

I'm assuming you met him when you were very young? It's okay. You likely just didn't know what you wanted at the time. Even if this wasn't an unhealthy relationship, it's normal for young people to get into relationships that just aren't for them. Statistically speaking, marriages tend to be more successful when they happen at an older age. Like I said before, at least you're finding this all out now rather than decades from now! You didn't let the sunk cost fallacy win!

No, doing all that traveling alone probably won't be as fun as it would be with a friend. And I hate that I also focused so much on the money aspect of it... I've just genuinely haven't gotten close to anyone who was healthy. So it can be hard to imagine a trip was someone being this wholesome, magical experience. Just a way to cut the costs. I've had too many people have some kind of trouble to the trip. Unprepared, incompetent, or just wanted to start some kind of drama and sabotage it. I mean... recently I had a friend expect me to pay for a hotel for a bunch of days as an emergency. Also promised not to third-wheel me... and then did just that. Was also a HORRIBLE driver and got passive-aggressive with me. I still haven't seen any of the money they owe me... Well, at least I remembered my love for books during that trip. I now have some new stores to online shop at. And the food was so delicious!

Tbh, V*nce kind of inspired me to get one. I feel like being a lonely cat lady has become super fucking cool! Like, a symbol for, "Fuck, you! I'm not going to be your mommy slave!" I mean... sometimes I also wish that I was Aziraphale and could just adopt Crowley. Azi has that cat lady energy. Crowley acts like a house cat. And also happens to be a cute bf as well.

Is there anyone else out there who just... can NOT express their true selves around others?

I feel like I've spent so many years of my life developing a personality that's more "palatable" and "acceptable" to others. I cannot, for the life of me, share the vast majority of my interests. Nor the vast majority of my thoughts and opinions with others. The only time I can actually feel comfortable being myself is when I'm hiding while using a device.

Idk if this will ever change tbh. I've had it happen too many times where people would act interested in knowing what I like... only to turn around and shame and humiliate me over it. For YEARS. And those same people now tell me that I'm boring and have no interests. I mean... this straight-up happened in so many settings with so many different people. I get that I have unconventional tastes in things but... damn!

People are allowed to know that I am very open-minded when it comes to food. I can cope with hearing that people think some of the things I eat are "too spicy" because yeah, lots of people just seem to be sensitive to certain foods. And I think it's cool that I can enjoy these foods. However... the idea of sharing my favorite music can cause me to have a mental breakdown.

And unfortunately, I'm now finding that people assume I must not like them if I'm not open with them. That's not true! But I can see where the lack of trust is hurtful.