#than one that's just like 'oh we threw lesbians in here lol' man who cares

[the-golden-ghost]

I think the reason people default to saying gideon the ninth 'is about lesbian necromancers in space lol' is because its a bit hard to adequately summarize the series in a single blurb and have it sound instantly appealing in a kind of elevator pitch way. Really its about a necromancer and her swordswoman exploring an ancient castle looking for a secret necromancy theorem to become a powerful being called a lyctor. And it only gets more complicated from there. And theyre in space, and there's a threat of giant planet-eating beasts at some point. Its the kind of series where its better reading knowing absolutely nothing makes it better apart from trigger warnings of gore (which theres a lot a lot of) . I hope that makes sense sorry for the ramble.

Okay, I guess that makes sense. I've had people try and explain the plot to me and none of them were able to.

But I have no idea why "a necromancer and her swordswoman exploring an ancient castle looking for a magical theorem that will give them the power to save their world from interplanetary threats" wouldn't be adequate. Like that's a fine plot synopsis to me. Summaries don't need to encapsulate every single thing about a book; they just need to explain the main conflict.

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 4 - Dab on them Pineapples

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s going to Scotland about it.

There’s a dude named Channing who wants to punch and have sex with Alexia, and Ivy is getting married to some rich slub, even though she’s in wub with Maccon’s servant Tunstell.

Alexia’s hubby told her to go to a hat store for mysterious plot reasons, she brings her dopey friend Ivy.  The hat store is run by a hot lesbian and as they’re chatting BOOM an explosion! GOLLY WHAT’S NEXT!?

Chapter 4 - Dab on them Pineapples

This chapter starts off totally under described.  Basically the explosion shook the hats on their nice dangling hooks, and turned out the lights.  They don’t even describe it as unbalancing Alexia.  So the whole next bit makes so little sense.  She first reacts by feeling around for Ivy.  She finds Ivy has fainted…cause okay? Ivy is whispering about Tunstell though so she’s like, “YEAH MY FRIEND UNCONCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AFTER AN EXPLOSION IS FINE! BYE LOSER!”

She immediately starts scurrying around for that secret passage she thought she saw earlier. Finds it, goes in, and down an elevator. I just…I was so flummoxed that this was her first response?  All it would take for this to make more sense is to write, “It sounded as if the explosion happened below them, and Alexia would bet you 100 pounds that this secret passage would lead her straight to it. And what if someone was hurt down there?”

It seemed so bizarre for her to go, “EXPLOSION? I’M GOING TO MAKE A BEELINE FOR THE SECRET PASSAGE! MY FRIEND OUT COLD? WHATEVER!”

When she gets down there she finds a messy workshop, where a small explosion clearly took place.  She finds LeFoux yelling at a child and there’s a ghost lady just chilling there.  The gist of the conversation is that the child threw a rag soaked in ETHER into a huge furnace which caused the explosion.  The boy is just like, “lol it went bang.”  And Alexia thinks that’s hilarious and reintroduces herself. LeFoux has to remark that WOW ISN’T LADY MACCON SMART FOR FINDING OUT THE SECRET PASSAGEWAY? GOSH I KNOW I CONFIRMED IT TO HER MINUTES AGO! BUT SHE’S SO SMART!  The ghost is LeFoux’s aunt Beatrice, and the boy is introduced as LeFoux’s son Quesnel even though the two do not look related.

I also find it odd that LeFoux, the owner of this establishment, with a shop full of customers, just slips into the passage and doesn’t give a token, “DO NOT PANIC CUSTOMERS I’M GOING TO FIGURE OUT THE ISSUE, PLEASE STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”

Alexia praises the child for the explosion.  I can’t help but feel a bit exasperated by the book’s tone for this.  This child could have not only killed himself on a flight of fancy but perhaps a block worth of buildings full of humans in a crowded city, and the story treats it like he stole a pudding out of the fridge he wasn’t supposed to have.  But I mean, my job is to worry for the well-being of children and I have a habit of overthinking this shit so take that paragraph with as much or as little care as you see fit.

LeFoux punishes Quesnel and tells her aunt to take him away so she can have sexual tension with Alexia.  Alexia, you do not deserve the sexual attention of anybody except your dipshit husband. Leave the MacDougalls and LeFouxs for the more-deserving slutty, bisexual hate-readers okay.

Faps you realize you will never be able to have sex with a fictional character right?

Faps why would you want to bang a fictional character in a story you don’t even like?

I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO ENJOY HERE OKAY!?

During some mild flirtation where Alexia first realizes women are hot, LeFoux explains that Maccon commissioned a gift that is ready for her.

It’s a huge ugly umbrella that takes a page to describe just its physical appearance, which was hard to follow.  My favorite detail is,

“The handle looked like something that might top an ancient Egyptian column, carved with lotus flowers---or a very enthusiastic pineapple.”

I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean but with that line I have decided that the handle of her umbrella looks like this:

(Picture of a pineapple dabbing, while wearing bright red shoes.)

And you cannot convince me otherwise.

We spend a few more pages explaining what her James Bond styled umbrella can do. Which includes:

Shoots poison darts.

Can switch between a silver and wooden tip depending on if you’re stabbing vampires or werewolves.

Can emit a magnetic field which can disrupt steam engines temporarily.

Can spray different kinds of toxic mists which can kill humans, and severely injure werewolves and vampires.  

Okay sure, she gets a proper weapon with a lot of weird uses. Sure good!

So now it’s time for me to complain about some writing choices!

Much to my annoyance, every time LeFoux smiles at all (which is a fucking lot) instead of using multiple verbs and descriptors such as, “She smiles, grins, smirks, beams, looks amused/smug/delighted/etc.” She says LeFoux ~dimples~ 100% of the time. And I’m like nobody verbs dimples that way you fucking weirdo who writes like they’re 12.

There’s also this really clumsy pointless exchange where it’s revealed that LeFoux has made special equipment for Prof. Lyall, and she remarks that he’s a curious man. Alexia says he’s not a man at all (cause he’s a werewolf) and LeFoux remarks, “I, too, am not a man. I simply enjoy dressing like one.”

….This is like super clumsy and not how humans talk at all. And there’s no reason why you need to bring that up AGAIN at all? We can tell she enjoys masculine dress because…she’s described as dressing masculine. Like….why? 

Like I know this isn’t meant to be a complex novel, but like I feel condescended to how often unimportant shit needs to be brought up again and again. UGH!

So they head back upstairs, Tunstell shows up so he and Ivy can stare longingly at each other, and OH YEAH tell Alexia Lyall wants to speak with her.

You gotta do more for me to ship Tunstell/Ivy then like show them cozy with one another and shouting in my ear about how they pine for one another.  Like maybe some dialog besides, “How are you?” “Oh I’m fine”?

So Alexia goes to see Lyall. She struts in swinging her new umbrella like HEY! HEY! ASK ABOUT MY NEW TOY!  Lyall does not.  Lyall has his issues don’t get me wrong.  But I find it so refreshing that he refuses to feed Maccon and Alexia’s shitty little egos.

Lyall says the humanization phenomenon has been ~spotted~ again and it’s moving toward Scotland, a bit ahead of Maccon, who is also heading that way.  Maccon doesn’t know he’ll be meeting the mysterious soul-sucking power soon, which could be a problem since he’s only useful in the sense that he has powers.

Alexia takes note of this, and decides she wants to have Lord Akeldama and LeFoux meet cause that would be cool I guess.  That’s where we leave off.  I’m not sure if the two are going to get along immediately upon meeting or hate each other’s guts. I hope they hate the other’s guts cause I think that would be more entertaining.

Say something nice Faps:

These chapters don’t always end and start on similar notes. So it doesn’t feel repetitive.

Lyall, while not totally free from this writing’s bullshit, helps ground this material by being a voice of sanity. A lot of authors can get caught up in HOW FUCKING COOL THEIR PERFECT FUN CHARACTERS ARE and it’s just kinda refreshing that this author has enough self-awareness to realize how exhausting and irritating their antics/personalities can sometimes be. Or in the very least enough awareness of writing to know when to slow it done and take a breather.

 LeFoux is hot.

Since I have identified her new murder parasol as having a dabbing pineapple handle, all mentions of it conjure hilarious mental images for me.  She was described as cradling it like a baby, and swinging it wildly in order for it to fail to catch Lyall’s attention.

 I also kinda like how despite getting a badass weapon crafted for her, it’s hideous.  Like perhaps it’s for the humor sake, but I appreciate we’re not just going to steamroll how cool and great Alexia is. Even though she got this super rad weapon with all these functions without having to earn it. The item does have the downside of being tacky and heavy. You know?

[tonydadisbestdad]

Dear Peter Parker - 8 - Disappear

Peter ParkerxReader

Dad!Tony, Mom!Pepper, Brother!Connor

Word Count: 1,418

A/N: 10 more to go after this, what did I get myself into?! Lol. Sorry it’s taking so long, my usual spiel about school and work.

Previous Next 

Things between you and Peter the following week were still a bit awkward. However, you still sat with him, and the two of you talked about everything you possibly could. Obviously that didn’t involve your brother.

The two of you were walking together to class when you passed your brother’s locker. Some people had made a little memorial when the news about him hit the school. It was a nice gesture. Until you looked at it now. It was practically destroyed. The picture of his was crooked and some things had been torn down and other things trampled. You paused for a moment to look at it.

“Oh man,” Peter said, rubbing the back of his neck. He went over and straightened the picture. Before going back to you.

You just kept walking. “Well, I can’t lie. I’m glad everyone’s already done talking about it.”

“Yeah,” Connor said, appearing beside Peter.

Peter jumped slightly. He hadn’t seen Connor since last week.

“It’s great to be forgotten, not like anyone liked me anyway.” He continued.

“I don’t know… that’s pretty sad,” Peter said. “Just being forgotten like that?”

You shrugged. “Maybe if he hadn’t been such a dick-“

“Hey,” Peter cut you off. “Yeah he was but, no one deserves being forgotten, especially when they took their own life because they didn’t see any other option…”

You glanced at him, you knew he was right. You sighed and pushed some of your hair aside. “You’re completely right. Sorry, I’m just… still trying to process everything…”

“You gonna fall for that?” Connor asked. “She cares less than my genius father.”

“I know you’re struggling with all this but I hope you don’t mind me saying, that’s not the best way to handle it.”

You slid your hand into his and gave it a squeeze. “Thanks Peter, I know I’m not fair about it a lot. I appreciate you telling me when I’m being insensitive about it. Sometimes my anger towards him covers up the fact that my brother really did need help…”

The two of you entered your class, ending the conversation.

“Hey Parker,” MJ said, approaching him at his locker towards the end of the day.

“Hey,” he greeted, shoving a book into his bag.

“Heard you talking to Y/N earlier about Connor.”

Peter looked at her, brow arched. “Y-yeah, what about it?”

“Just wanted to tell you that was a good thing you did telling her off like that.”

His eyes widened. “I didn’t tell her off!”

MJ rolled her eyes. “Okay, well you rightly informed her about how horrible suicide is and how it’s not right to treat people that commit like they deserved it. Wish there was something we could do for people that feel that way.”

“Y-Yeah, me too.”

“See ya tomorrow,” She said, leaving him.

Peter walked home, deep in thought. As soon as he got home he flopped onto his bed and threw a pillow over his head.

“We’re just losers, waiting to be seen,” Connor said, his voice muffled through the pillow.

Peter moved it aside and sat up beside him.

“No one seems to care or even stops to notice us. We get lost.”

Peter watched him, wishing he could have seen that Connor needed someone just as much as he had only a few weeks ago.

“MJ’s idea, about doing something wasn’t a bad one. If… if you could keep people thinking of me, so I’m not just some abandoned memory… that means we matter too. It means someone will you that you’re there.”

He thought his words over, nodding slowly.

“No one deserves to be forgotten or fade away. People need to know we’re here.”

“It’s true,” Peter finally said.

Connor looked at him a bit surprised. “Even if you’ve always been barely in the background-”

“You still matter,” Peter cut off.

“If you never get to do something remarkable, that doesn’t mean-”

“That you’re not worth remembering.”

“Think of the people who need to know,” Connor said getting up, he put his hands on Peter’s shoulders.

Peter nodded. “They need to know.”

“You need to show them, Peter. No one should have any doubt that they matter. It was a lesson I learned too late.”

“No one deserves to disappear,” Peter said, getting an idea. He went over to his computer and started planning away.

“When you’re falling in a forest and there’s nobody around, when you hit the ground, all you need is somebody to find you.”

Peter worked the majority of the night. He set up the webpage, made a brochure, set out the entire plan. However, he’d still need help. “I’m calling it The Connor Project,” He told Ned and MJ the following morning, sharing his plans with them.

“You’re starting some group to remember Connor Stark?” Ned asked.

“It’s a student group dedicated to keeping his memory alive, to show that everybody should matter.” He explained, looking at them with hopeful eyes. He needed their help.

MJ smiled widely. “We have to do this. Not just for Connor but for everyone.”

“Because no one deserves to be forgotten.” Peter stated.

To his surprise, both agreed. He supposed Ned knew him well enough to know that this was important to him, so he knew even if he didn’t like Connor, Peter was still his friend.

So, the three of them planned a spiel to give the Stark’s that afternoon to let them know what they had planned.

“We’re calling it the Connor Project,” Peter told Pepper and Tony.

“The Connor Project?” Pepper asked.

“Imagine a major online presence.”

“A massive fundraising drive,” Ned added.

“And for the kickoff event a school wide memorial assembly,” MJ finished.

Tony eyed them skeptically. “I never knew Connor meant this much to people.”

“This is so wonderful, Peter,” Pepper said, going over and hugging him. “No one deserves to be forgotten and this is a great way to show that. Please, let us know if you need anything, alright?”

“Thank you, Mrs. Stark,” Peter said, hugging the woman back.

After talking a bit more with them the trio started to make their way out. Only, you ran into them before they got on the elevator.

“Peter?” You questioned. “What are you guys doing here?”

He offered a nervous smile. “Oh, um well we were pitching something to your parents…”

“We’ll see you later, Pete,” Ned said, giving MJ a small shove towards the elevator, leaving the two of you to talk.

Peter waved goodbye to his friends.

You nodded for him to follow you back to your room.

Once there he explained the plan again to you.

You nodded slowly when he was finished. “That’s very nice of you, Peter. I’m sure it will be incredible work you do.”

He sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck. “Thanks.”

You glanced over to that picture on your nightstand, then turned it down.

Peter frowned at you. “You okay?”

With a sigh you explained. “I just… still don’t know how I feel. I’m tired of this, I just want it all to go away.”

He placed his hand down on top of yours. “I understand. How about we talk about something else?”

You nodded, appreciating the gesture.

After a few days everything was set. The only problem, was that Peter was the one that had to give a speech during the memorial assembly.

To say he was nervous was an understatement.

He invited the Stark’s and they said they would be happy to go. Well, except for you.

Peter was rather upset that you weren’t going to go, but he didn’t push, knowing you were still having a hard time with all of this.

“Peter,” Pepper said before he could leave the night before. She gave him a small box.

Peter looked at it confused before opening it. It was a light blue tie.

“I had gotten it for Connor and he never wore it, would you wear it for your speech tomorrow?” She sounded so hopeful.

Peter was a little shocked at the gesture. “O-of course, Mrs. Stark, thank you.”

She hugged the young man before he parted.

He needed to get ready for tomorrow.

“So,” Connor asked, later that night. “Got everything ready?”

Peter nodded. “I think so, just nervous now…”

Connor put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re gonna do great.”

“I hope so,” Peter said, just as his phone went off. He looked at it and smiled.

“Good luck tomorrow Peter xo,” the message from you read.

Tags: Wanna be tagged? Just ask!

@manchurian-barnes, @marrvelle-fics, @chloe-geoghegan1, @awkwardturtle25, @defenestrate-yourself-please, @3blue-dreams3, @marvellouspengwing, @lesbian-jesus-jr, @valiantelk, @godhateskyleigh, @thepowerstoner, @lou-la-lou, @marvelc00kie35, @lynnskata, @bookgirlunicorn, @buckysendoftheline

[ramblingshit]

The Uninvited - 1944 - 5/10

long ass exposition voice over - beautiful ominous scenery, craggy cliffs, white water frothing against dark rocks,

tall large bricked house with vines climbing up the walls, doorways twice the height of people; smart funny concise script with light-hearted orchestral music to match, large columns, clear crystal chandeliers, large curve staircase; that one locked door; open fire by the bath; brother and sister couple who act authentically like siblings, loving and reassuring and taking care of each other ; large open white and naturally lit house on the edge of a dangerous cliff which has a dead tree at its edge.the creepy house always has an old name. house rumoured to be haunted  but the idea is shrugged off and laughed at. damn nice transitions and cuts. creepy and ugly room cold and damp and fills them with doubt and depressive thoughts and flowers wilt. there's always a dog barking at things. being black and white they have an awesome eye for contrast and tone. acting is eyyyyyy. okay they tried to edit together two parts of the same conversation and it was ew. ohh theres another one. omg this shit is so good - the little bits and pieces making the characters real and relateable and funny. suddenly flickering candles. the sound of a woman's heartbroken crying echoing around the house, coming from nowhere but sounding from everywhere and it stops at dawn. doors closing by themselves. ol mate jumped and hid under his sheets lolol. men interrupting girls and calling them delicate and needing to calm themselves. damn refusing ol mate to see his grandaughter - this doesn't mean we are of equal social standing like lol what an ass - 'Great Scott!!' secret meetings with the granddaughter ooohwerrooooh. ol mates all lovey with this 20 year old lass. 'golly!' using these terms completely unironically amazing. 'they're hardly our sort'. ol ol mate knows the house is haunted but won't admit it. 'go to your room!' 'don't be impertinent'.  vases taller than a person and flowers and bouquet just as tall. fuck that dress is gorgeous but i don't trust this granddaughter she was so mad at the start looked like she had decided on something and now all of the sudden she's buddy buddy? yeaaaaaah alriiiightt. this chicks twenty what twenty year old is actually this mature and wellspoken. he just stares smilingly at her enamoured with just listening and watching her talk. man at the piano, beautiful young girl listening to him, three candles in a candlestick on the piano. he literally seems old enough to be her dad, but he's goofy and excitable oooooh the candles went down and he started being sad and she noticed and wasn't affected? she's fleeing!! sprinting out to THE CLIFF IN HER WHITE DRESS HOLY SHIT he caught her at the last moment she didn't even realise she was doing it - right at the place where her mother fell by the dead tree, and now they make jokes and are singing to lighten the mood NEVERMIND a lady is SCREAAAAMING oh shit it was Lizzie - the studio is fucked up making people depressed and there was a creepy mist or some shit by the door now she says it was the ghost of a woman - gets one fright and lizzie is like lmao bye im not staying here - fkn smart lady - Stella is MIA. nope she's collapsed, is she dead 'stella, darling' she looks so dramatic in her long white dress - bish faints and they're spoonfeeding her soup and keeping her bedridden and not wanting to risk moving her. oooHoooo the great scary tale of the house comes out, everyones dying off in the house with their secrets, there's the strange smell of flowersss and lightss creepin about stellas gone out the window lol oh no she's creeping out behing the curtains. its very dark. she's convinced her mother is haunting the house, she sounds and looks mad lmao i still do not trust this bitch. he's declaring his love and she's tryna talk about her mother's ghost and how she wants to go to the house and he's like nah you're never getting back imma tear it down - 'i hate you for that!' 'oh stella' an they kiss??? ah no he kisses her and she's like fuck off and runs away and he's actually CONFUSED? moron lolol out here expecting her to want to marry him and him be her life and she's out here with her own problems wanting to go and do things and see her mum like mate stoppp they've known each other like a few weeks and he's out here tryna tell her what she can and can't do who he think he be?? she's not listening to me - she's on the edge of a mental collapse! ohhhh the faked seance is realllll damn sonnn oh wtf she's possessed the doctors all for it what a mate she's speaking in a language she doesn't knowwww ey mate spanish and the scent is back. is she maybe the spanish lady's baby and not the woman she thought? ooooooh spooky mist they're trapped in the dark cold room oh yikes its got a scary face grandad just showed up lmao she's spending half the movie in bed and the granddad is a fkn asshole stupid ass prick - he killed his daughter maybs? whos miss holloway all fancy n shit shit they drugged stella what this bitch what are these two up to. they're kidnapping her? dumping her off at holloways' house - she has secretsss; was friends with stella's mum. the mystery in this is really good and interesting. oh fuck miss holloway was a trained nurse and watched mary mereidith go over the cliff (stella's mum) they mentioned blonde hair, and holloway and stella have dark hair - important?? i'm getting very into this lolol. "Why are you whispering?" "Why are you?" the music is awesome to express thoughts and actions. an eccentric older lady with bows and scarves and a basket full of eggs "miss bird' i love her immediately wait its a basket of stones. i love her. holloway loves the stones and miss bird cute. she's a psychologist? a very successful psychologist with a big beautiful house and she's definitely a fucking lesbian mate she loves mary meredith. they hate spanish women in these movies. oh shit the spanish lady was gonna yeet the baby stella over the cliff that's hilarious. certainly don't trust this chicka either. she literally has an enormous picture of mary in her office between two bouquets of flowers taller than they are. she started a sentence and caught herself - secretssssss. god their dresses are next level gorgeous. so holloways house is actually an asylum and she's trapped. holloway hates stella and stella confronted her about it and she didn't deny it - she's glad stella's chucked in. wtf lady went to the doctor cause she thought her baby was delirious cause he was laughing lolol what the actual fuck it's a baby. miss holloway murdered carmel!!! they are so chill about it. shit's pretty dull. the book just turned pages - they smell the flowers again. what IS she up to - fkn holloway's eyes are in shadow while stella's face is completely brightened. wtf is she UP TO. damn that door is gorgeous - arched and a head an a half and with six squares of incredible carvings in the wood. she's too happy about all this. about sending stella to the house - to the 'cliff and the rocks below the cliff! that's where mary went, that's where she died' she's cray cray. 'i've done what she wanted at last - haven't i mary, it's all straight now.' mate how did she go from being suss to being mental. they didn't lock their front door??? 'i'll be alright now - i'll be with my friends! :)' okay she's not evil? she's actually excited and cute about being allowed to stay in the house. she's all alone - whtfuck there's a man snoring/groaning? someone calling her name - in the studio! its gdad. whats he doin here. her voice is so musical and soft and smooth and breathy - these women man. teh ghost is pretty cool - i  think the sight of it just killed him tho. oh shit ahaha she screm and flee. toward the cliff!!!! over she go!!!!!a a lot of people saying 'darling'. he's so enamoured with her and she doesn't give a shit ahahah. now she thinks shes cray- nevermind the smell is back and the doors just flung open. broke her arm twice in a year? CARMEL HAD A BABY TOO. SHE's for SURE carmel's baby!!! I told you!!! stellas chill with it. carmel's laughing instead of crying and then she's all good the ghost has been freed ---- nevermind. Rick's seen something and shut the door - mary meredith is cray?? she has icy rage - she wants Stella! creepy gaunt face with white scarf flappin in wind and no body or legs - she was gonna kill the kid if she couldn't have it herself. rick's being mean to the angry ghost. lol he threw lit candlestick at her? ew wtf the sister is getting with the old barely a character doctor? and now he's expecting yet again that stella is all for marrying him jfc. alright its over start was much better than end yikes.

[evilkitten3]

"well, we killed off a third of the og avengers, turned another third into clowns, and threw cap's entire character arc into the garbage disposal. oh, but we finally remembered to give hawkeye a personality!"

"well that's.... a start. what about the betavengers?"

"ok well don't call them that, for starters. long story. uh let's see... vision's dead, wanda's going to have an arc that everybody likes but then we're going to throw that out for no reason, sam and bucky get their own show but only so we can shaft both of them (we're also gonna make an au where peggy got the serum and put as much focus on her as we possibly can so hopefully people forget about sam before we have to make cap 4 but if they don't we'll just kill her off i guess), natasha's gonna get her own movie–"

"wait didn't she die?"

"yeah lol it's completely meaningless for her. but surprise! she's got a sister who's also a black widow, so at the end of the day–"

"you asked johansson to come back and she told you to eat shit?"

"well.... yeah. but anyway, spider-man is going to retcon himself out of everyone's memory but only after we have him run into the two earlier spider-men who actually had roles faithful to the original character just cuz, we're gonna give dr. strange another movie–"

"oh, don't forget to whitewash an important supporting character again! that was really popular last time."

"oof, nearly forgot. uh... well, looks like whitewashing is off the table, but i think we can lightwash miss america. we'll stick a lesbian pin on her too, just in case anyone wants to point out that she's clearly not afro-latina here; call anyone who criticizes her homophobic."

"you're a genius, sir."

"i been in the biz a long time, kid."

"anything else?"

"uh... we'll bring in some more characters with no explanation as to where they were for other big events, and... hm, people like the historical significance, right?"

"probably?"

"well fuck that, make sure the bracelet ms. marvel got from her grandma comes from space or something. and fuck it, change her powers too. no "deeper meanings" here."

"we have another jewish character in the works, sir! should we alert the audience that that character actually won't be jewish after all?"

"nah, we'll just make sure it's obvious how little we care about that aspect of the character. have them do something a jewish person probably wouldn't and then never address it, something like that."

"understood, sir. oh, we should make sure to cgi the shit out of everything even more than before, right?"

"absolutely. everything should look ugly as fuck. and if you can't cgi it, scam internet artists. that's always fun. and make sure not to hire anyone actually interested in making something good!"

"we usually do, but someone always slips through the cracks."

"well then make sure they don't get a season two. only let the complete clownshows back in."

"one last thing, sir?"

"what?"

"about antman–"

"ugh fine he can crawl up someone's ass if the internet wants it that freaking badly–"

"oh i was actually thinking about his family! see, his daughter spent five whole years without–"

"this is starting to sound an awful lot like caring, kid."

"oh. sorry, sir. uhhhh what i meant was let's bring back a villain no one liked or asked for but with a nametag that says "totes a different character this time for realsies", something like that."

"...i like the cut of your jibe, kid."

"it's 'jib', sir."

"you're fired."

[thebachelordiaries]

A Colognoisseur With A Fishy Scent: ‘The Bachelorette’ Ep. 4 Recap

This episode recap is coming at you at the absolute last minute because I have been spending all my free time today listening to Kanye West’s song “All Mine.” As the lyrics go:

Time is extremely valuable. 

And I prefer to waste it.

It truly speaks to me. Also the part about “all that ass hanging out the bottom.” I feel seen. (JK)

Anyway, we started off this episode at an unfinished rose ceremony. Here’s what happened:

David got the biggest pity rose in Bachelorette history. He looked terrible. Someone should have put a bag over his head.

Nick, aka bae, aka the guy cosplaying Draco Malfoy, wore a tracksuit to the rose ceremony. He said this is his way of “putting it out on the line” to show Becca who he really is. If wearing a tracksuit is his way of being emotionally vulnerable, then same. It’s like that gif of spiderman unzipping his suit to only reveal another spiderman suit underneath. Is Nick a scorpio? I must know.

Banjo guy Ryan got sent home. I’m not sure why he was so hyped up on ATFR when he got literally zero camera time. It’s like ABC catfished us. 

Man bun Mike was also sent home. It was only a matter of time, but he tweeted some exceptionally good tea after he was eliminated. It may have been the highlight of my week:

The guys, who have been cooped up in the Bachelor Mansion for the past few weeks, learn they are going to Salt Lake City, Utah, to instead be cooped up in a hotel. Same shit, different view.

1-On-1 With Garret

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: repeating movie quotes is not a personality trait.

When you look past Garret’s Chris Farley impression, there’s not much to him. He talks like a 15-year-old and has no inflection in his voice. Where is the substance?

Garret and Becca go bobsledding with two Olympians. I tried my best to capture Garret’s reaction to learning he was going bobsledding with a lesbian couple, especially after his Instagram scandal. He had a pretty normal reaction...for a closeted homophobic person.

We found out on this date that Garret was married for two months before he got a divorce. The way (re: lack of emotion) he described his divorce makes it hard for me to believe he was “verbally and emotionally” abused. I would love to know the other side of the story and then form my own truth.

I think once Becca gets past the fact that Garret is similar to her dad because “they both like the outdoors,” she will realize there’s not much going up there. Hopefully that happens sooner rather than later.

Becca loves sitting like this.

One time I briefly “talked to” a guy who I think liked me more than he should because qualities about me reminded him of his deceased father. It was flattering, but I knew most of his infatuation was “in his head.” Plus, he was a really nice guy and I was too busy being obsessed with an asshole who didn’t care about me. LOL. Oh, to be 22 again....

What I’m trying to say here is, Becca doesn’t like Garret. She likes the idea of him.

Lumberjack Group Date

Ah, there’s nothing I hate more than hyper-masculine activities. 

The guys threw around logs and chopped wood to prove to Becca who has the biggest package. So who won the pissing contest? Apparently John, the app developer guy. Go figure.

In other news, apparently Blake lives in the mountains and eats bugs? Is it weird that I find that hot?

This date proved that bug man Blake and Andrew Keegan impersonator Jason clearly have the strongest connections with Becca. 

Becca said Andrew Keegan impersonator Jason is a really good kisser. 

I refuse to believe that Becca has anything in common with Colton besides the fact that she wants to make out with his face.

Can we talk about Colton real quick? The guy has no idea how to dress himself, has shady motives and said he’s “one of the good guys.” Have you ever met an actual good guy who calls himself a good guy? Me neither. Colton, to top if off, doesn’t think Jordan is here “for the right reasons,” which is hysterical because Colton thought Tia was going to be The Bachelorette and tried to get to know her beforehand, but I digress. This golden boy was bothered by the fact that Jordan was wearing golden underwear that Becca gave him. First of all, it would be rude to not wear a gift from Becca. Secondly, Colton tried to shame Jordan by telling him he’s classless and calling him a “pussy” (or maybe a fa***ot since it was bleeped out) in the same sentence. Jordan quickly picked up on this irony.

“You just called me a ***** and you’re talking about respect?” -Jordan

Ding, ding. We have a winner.

Jordan- 1

Colton- 0

We learned Jean Blanc is a shady individual. Talking as if he’s reciting a script, he gifted Becca a perfume and admitted that he’s falling in love with her. When Becca admits she isn’t feeling the same and thinks he should go home, Jean Blanc tries to take back the perfume and says he isn’t falling in love with her and just said that because he thought that’s what she wanted to hear.

Jean Blanc has officially been canceled.

Fuck that guy.

Understandably upset, Becca cancels the rest of the group date and doesn’t give out a rose.

1-on-1 With WIlls

“Hi my name is Wills and I’m the most adorable human on the planet” -a rough translation of what Wills said in this interview upon learning he has a 1-on-1 date.

Wills is such a genuine person. You can tell he is an ACTUAL good guy and that he really cares about Becca. Plus, he does have a non-traditional style but doesn’t dress like a three-year-old dressing himself for the first time. Take notes, Colton.

While I think Becca appreciates these qualities about Wills, I don’t think he’s the one for her. I do hope, however, that he can somehow make it to the final four. (My final four predictions are: Jason, Blake, Wills and Colton)

After they go four-wheeling up a mountain, Wills has a serious talk with Becca about his last relationship. When Wills told Becca his ex asked for a “hall pass.” I audibly yelled. 

Becca’s reaction: “Why?”

Wills: Exactly

Ugh, these two are just genuine and pure souls and I love them both even though they don’t belong together. Also, I don’t like watching them kiss.

Here’s Becca doing her leg thing again.

Rose Ceremony

I am currently mourning the fact that Nick, aka bae, aka the guy cosplaying Draco Malfoy, was sent home. His beautiful face shall be missed.

Another beauty, Christon, was sent home. The guy literally has a twinkle in his eye at all times. It’s like he’s a Disney prince.

I’m going to end this recap with one Jordanism:

“I”m like a sponge. You can squeeze me and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know unless you try.”

Gosh, I love Jordan. He may be my favorite Bachelorette contestant of all time. I still think Chad will forever be the best villain and most complex character, but his entire presence is too negative for me to enjoy fully. Plus, Jordan responds to my Instagram DMs. He appreciates his fans, and I appreciate that.

[zarcake-writes]

Hey, how about soldier 76 req where reader's family has been bugging her to show them her boyfriend but she doesnt have one. So Soldier offers his help to pretend to be her boyfriend because deep down he has a super huge crush on her and she does too?? Thanks luv!

So, I wrote this for Jack Morrison, hope that’s fine with you. You guys seem to love Jack, because this was like my third request in a row for him lol. But I hope you enjoy this!

Warnings: some angst and fluff

You stared up at your ceiling andsighed. You glanced at your phone and reread the message from your mom. She meantwell, but these messages always upset you. They always stung.

‘Hey sweetheart! Can’t wait to see you this weekend. Also, Ihope you bring a boyfriend this time. Love you.’

“Yeah, sure,” you scoffed.

You wanted to bring someone. Youliked men, you did. But, working in Overwatch makes it hard to date. Menoutside of the organization were way too excited to date you or they wereintimidated by you and those you worked with. And dating within the organizationwas frowned upon, there weren’t any rules against it, but it wasn’t a goodidea. The whole thing about dating coworkers being bad was used here.

You got up and decided to forgetabout it. You would go to the family get together, your family would ask overand over if you’re dating, some would ask if you were a lesbian, while otherswould just giggle. Some would comment that your body was too manly, otherswould give you a look of pity and say the right man will come along. These thoughtsleft a sour look on your face and you weren’t looking where you were going.

You found yourself outside ofMorrison’s office. Jack. He was your best friend, you both worked closelytogether. He was a sweet man, he cared about everyone on his team and everyonehe met. He was tall and handsome. With blonde hair and these beautiful blueeyes. He had a charming smile and… You had a huge crush on him. But a man likethat wouldn’t be interested in you. Not someone who can fight just as good ashim, someone who was all muscle and scars. No, he wasn’t interested in you. Youtook a deep breath and knocked on his door. When you heard him yell enter, youquickly went inside.

“Hey you, you alright?” Jack asked.He was at his desk doing paperwork. That’s all he ever seemed to do.

“Kind of. Just family stuff,” youhuffed. You threw yourself on his couch and let out a dramatic sigh. Jackchuckled.

“What’s going on?”

“I have that get together thisweekend, it’s an annual family thing. And every year I’m asked to bring myboyfriend. But every year, I don’t have one. And now it’s just a huge familyjoke,” you said. You let out a sigh and rubbed your face.

“And your family laughs at you?” Jackasked. He sounded annoyed with that.

“Yeah. They’ll ask, ‘Oh bring anyone?’or say ‘Don’t worry. I’m sure some man will fall for you’. I don’t need a man. But, I wish I had one.”

Jack stood up from his desk andwalked towards you. You heard his boots echo against the floor, you didn’t lookup at him when he stopped in front of you. Jack sat you up and sat beside you,you leaned against him and sighed.

“I might have an answer to yourdilemma,” he said softly.

“What? You going to pull a boyfriendout of that trench coat of yours?” you asked dryly.

“Better. Why don’t you say I’m yourboyfriend? That way, your family can leave you alone for a bit,” Jack said. Youlooked up at him and saw he was starring at you, he had a slight blush on hisface. Jesus what was I thinking? Why did I say that? Jack screamed in his mind.He was smooth around so many women, except you.

“You want to pretend, to be myboyfriend?” you asked. You could feel your face heat up at the thought.

“Yeah.” Before you could reply, yourphone went off again. It was your aunt. You scowled at the message.

‘Hey sweetie, I know you go alone to these events, but yourmom is insisting I ask if you’re bringing someone. Gosh, how silly of her. Weall know you won’t!’

“That bitch,” you growled. Jack readthe message and he looked at you, that angry look on your face made him smirkand his heart pound.

“Tell her, you are in fact bringingsomeone. And let’s take a selfie,” Jack said. He had a mischievous look in hiseyes.

“Alright.” You quickly typed outyour reply and took a cute selfie with Jack. You knew you would be getting tonsof messages soon, but you didn’t care. Jack was your pretend boyfriend. Sure,it was only to get your family off your back, but your heart pounded at thethought.

“I’ll pack some clothes for thisweekend,” Jack said. You nodded and hugged him, he smiled down at you andhugged you back. He hoped you couldn’t hear or feel his pounding heart.

The day of the get together cameand your family went crazy. Not only did youshow up with a boyfriend, but it was Jack Morrison. Strike Commander ofOverwatch. For the first hour all the attention was on him, he handled it like apro. Pictures were taken and everyone wanted to talk to him. You were glad hewas used to handling situations like this. He was such a sweet man. The sightof that smile had your heart pounding.

“Won’t this make you look bad?” youasked him quietly. Most of your family was now leaving you both alone, but afew were still lingering nearby, no doubt posting the pictures online.

“Nah. I’ll just say it was amisunderstanding and I’m a friend or I’ll have the pictures removed,” he saidsoftly.

“You can do that?”

“Yup. What do you think happened tothose drunk pictures of Gabe and I that McCree posted?” he said.

“What drunk pictures?”

“Exactly,” he laughed. You nudgedhim and gave him a smile.

The party went wonderful. No snideremarks were sent your way, you received no pitiful looks. Jack kept an armaround your waist and everyone seemed happy. Until you had to walk away fromJack to go grab something. You walked by a room and heard people whispering.

“Jeez, did you see her arms? Shelooks like a man in a dress,” a voice scoffed. You looked down and frowned.Your dress showed off your arms and back. Jack helped you pick this one out.You were the only buff woman in your family, some of the guys were buff but youworked out more than them.

“What does a guy like that see in a girl like her?” a second voice whispered.

“Right? It’s all probably a sham.He probably only felt sorry for her and came with her out of pity,” the firstvoice laughed. You heard enough and walked away.

Jack saw you walk out of the house,he saw the way you were hugging yourself and the upset look on your face. Hequickly excused himself and went after you. Jack found you outside digging inthe trunk of his car. He could tell you were trying to hold in your sobs.

“Sweetheart, you alright?” Jackasked. He had called you that all during the party. He couldn’t help but smileat the way your face lit up at that pet name. He loved that look on your face.

“Jack, don’t call me that,” you snapped.He could tell you were on the verge of crying. He saw you grabbed a sweater youbrought and pulled it on. He frowned when your nice arms and sexy backvanished.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. He grabbedyour wrist and stopped you from turning away from him.

“They’re all right. I’m so pathetic.I can’t even get a boyfriend, I had to bring a fake one. I’m so fucking stupidand ugly,” you sobbed. You covered your face with your hands. Jack pulled youto his chest and hugged you tightly. The sounds of your crying and the way youwere shaking broke the man’s heart.

“That’s not true. You’re beautiful.Every bit of you is. Your arms are sexy, your back is sexy, your scars are beautiful,the fact that you can kick my ass is a huge turn on. Every piece of you, iswonderful,” he said.

“What?” You looked up at himconfused. He wiped away your tears and gave you a soft smile, you could see hisface was getting pink.

“I like you, a lot. And I’ve alwaysbeen too afraid to say anything. That’s why I jumped at the chance for this,because I like you. And what your family says about you, it just shows they arejealous. They’re jealous of your job, your body, and everything about you.”

“You like me?” you asked.

“Yes. Very much in fact. Why do youthink I told you to wear that dress?” he asked softly. He gave you a smallsmile and you couldn’t help the way your face got hot.

“I like you, too.”

“Good. So, I hope you don’t mind ifI do this.” Jack leaned down and kissed your lips softly. You kissed him back,your hands wrapped around his neck and he hugged your waist tightly.

“Jack,” you said softly. You pulledaway and gazed up at him. His cheeks were pink but he was giving you a happysmirk.

“Let’s get out of here. I want toshow you, just how beautiful and sexy I think you are,” Jack said softly. You bityour lip and nodded your head, Jack only grinned back at you.

[omglr]

patiently momming the shit out this fuckin' potential serial killer...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like feminism.

You: hi

Stranger: hi

Stranger: asl

You: 33 f

You: canada

You: you?

Stranger: m22 canada

Stranger: feminist?

You: yes

You: you?

Stranger: fuck no

Stranger: feminism is sexism and hatred of men, why would I support it?

You: meninist?

Stranger: not really

Stranger: just knowing the truth

You: where do you get this information from?

Stranger: online

You: ok

You: have you considered.... reading a book?

Stranger: no

Stranger: because with the ability to be anonymous online people will say the truth without fear of being outed for it.

You: interesting

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: Feminism isnt about equality, its about hatred of men and female superiority

You: ok, if you say so

Stranger: how is it now?

Stranger: not*

Stranger: women demanding a safe space free of men is seen as just fine

Stranger: a male only space is seen as "sexist"

You: uh, do you think their aren't men only space though?

Stranger: feminism cries about male dominance in politics and management positions , but when it comes to male dominance in jobs like trucking, mining, construction etc, feminists dont say a word

Stranger: there is men only, and to feminists thats seen as sexism

You: you seem a little worked up

Stranger: I mean, Boy scouts of America now allows girls in... wtf its the BOY scouts, girls want to be a scout? there is a thing called girl scouts of America too

You: yeah girl guides is a much better organization anyway

You: they also accept boys

Stranger: LMAO wow what guy would joint girl guides.

You: idk, a kid who likes camping and cookies

Stranger: I do like cookies

You: yeah, cookies are great

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: women are also entitled and selfish and think they should get stuff just because they are a woman

You: i think the word entitled gets thrown around a lot to describe people

Stranger: women expect a man to pay for the date.

You: but its mostly about folks asking for respect

Stranger: but I thought you bitches wanted "equality" oh wait...

You: like millenials are real entitled

You: for wanting jobs that pay a living wage

You: says boomers

You: who dont want to pay a living wage

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: but you NEED a living wage

You: yeah, we all need a living wage

Stranger: but women are entitled and think they deserve only the best of the best of the very best men who will do whatever she says and wants and no matter what shes always right

You: this seems like a narrow focus on what women are like

Stranger: its the truth

You: like, this is a pretty shallow stereotype that might be true for like 10% of college girls

Stranger: lol its true for all girls

Stranger: girls are shallow

You: but i guess if thats who you put on a pedestal, shallow girls

Stranger: all girls are shallow

You: mmmm, i mean, you might be misinterpreting women's intentions

Stranger: how so?

You: like if i saw you at a coffee shop and over heard you talking this conspiratorial feminist is evil game, i wouldn't be interested in you

Stranger: Im not 6'0 or taller, im not ripped af and I dont drive a BMW, your not interested in me

You: eh, again, i didn't say that

You: i'm not interested in cars or money or height

Stranger: sure

You: or muscles

Stranger: sure

Stranger: so your a lesbian?

You: but i can tell a dude is a self loathing weirdo pretty quick

You: i'm bi

Stranger: ok

You: women are easier to date

Stranger: sure

Stranger: im 22 and still a fucking virgin

You: for me anyway

You: yeah, that happens

You: some folks are late bloomers

Stranger: LMAO no, women are shallow

You: alright, well if you want to believe that that's up to you, but your world view determines your world

You: so if you can't open your heart and learn to trust women, you'll probably keep thinking worse and worse thoughts about them

Stranger: well im not good looking so...

Stranger: LMAO trust women... that is horseshit.

You: and find yourself in more situations where you can prove yourself right

Stranger: women are nothing but cheaters and liars

Stranger: let me tell you something?

You: ok

Stranger: I met a girl on here 2 yrs ago, shes down in Tennessee, we kept in contact on skype, became friends, fell for each other, admitted our feelings, fell even more for each other, hoped to meet one day, have our first times, maybe end up married and be forever. She met another guy and threw me away.

You: so, you were 20 years old and an internet girlfriend ruined your life forever?

Stranger: nope

Stranger: it just proves how unloyal and unloving women are

You: idk, that sounds kinda stupid

Stranger: plus my 3rd ex cheated after a month, not to mention other BS she did, I'll share if you wanna know,

1st and 2nd ex never even liked me

You: like, i'm being pretty patient with you here

You: this self loathing rap is pretty pathetic

Stranger: lol its hatred of women

You: yeah, its called misogyny

Stranger: and feminism is misandry

You: eh, not really

Stranger: sure

Stranger: women are hypergamous whores

You: eh, i mean, if you and i were the only people on the planet, i would say men are toxic dudes who have little self awareness and say abusive bullshit with so little life experience its kinda tragic if not a little dangerous, and that women are extremely patient and nurturing even to weirdos who don't deserve it

Stranger: sure.

Stranger: if you think im ever going to trust a woman again your insane

You: i guess it was more advice for your sadness but its up to you

Stranger: im not sad

You: eh

Stranger: I just know the bitter truth of life

You: i mean you sound angry, but its obvious where its coming from

Stranger: yeah

You: lol, what is the bitter truth of life?

Stranger: that women are nothing more than shallow unloyal unloving whores who only care about themself, love isnt real. together forever doesnt exist

You: are your parents divorced?

Stranger: never married, dont know my father

You: what's your relationship with your mom like?

Stranger: its fine

You: does she love you?

Stranger: yeah

You: is she loyal to you?

Stranger: i guess. im her only child

You: would she give you her kidney if you needed it?

Stranger: idk, shes not in great health herself tbh

You: would you give her your kidney if she needed it?

Stranger: yeah

You: well that's good

You: have you heard much about internet feedback loops and how it can hurt your self-esteem?

Stranger: yeah

You: i kinda think you should look into your online peer group and figure out if thats who you want to be?

Stranger: Im not on any forums or anything like that

You: like... behind the "women are all cheating selfish shallow whores" is like "a woman would never be loyal to or love me or find me attractive"

Stranger: that is true

You: and that says something about you that isn't true

You: that you aren't unlovable

Stranger: Im not

You: eh, you probably are, or could be

You: just maybe chill with the incel stuff

Stranger: im not. for one im not anywhere near cute. That alone keeps love away.

I have huge trust issues. A short temper,

You: have you considered seeing a therapist?

Stranger: no

You: i've been seeing therapist for like 6 years, they are pretty great

Stranger: well I dont need one

You: what about the trust issues and the short temper?

Stranger: you cant fix those.

You: yeah, that's what therapists do

Stranger: and all it takes is one asshole to come along and destroy it

You: they help you work through those things

Stranger: honestly, I rather just blow up when im man

Stranger: mad*

You: eh, again, you do you, but this is real good advice honestly

Stranger: im fine

Stranger: as for trust issues, I tried to get over it, just to be fucked over again

You: eh, yeah,

Stranger: so I will stay single

You: i have had shit come up in cycles through my life too

You: its hard

Stranger: yeah

You: anyway bud, i should go, but take care of yourself, enjoy this summer :)

Stranger: yeah, but you know whats painful

Stranger: ?

You: what?

Stranger: seeing a hot af girl at the beach in a bikini and knowing I'll never get to smash that

You: dude, just see a sex worker

Stranger: I dont wanna pay for it

Stranger: or get aids

You: eh, don't be cheap and use a condom

Stranger: I am very cheap

You: ok, well, put a fuckin tin can in your room, and everytime you think to yourself "I'm unlovable" but a dollar in it

You: or what ever mean things your brains says to you

Stranger: I've got a peanut butter jar of like $400 change in my room. just because why not

You: yeah, well $400 will get you a good looking woman

Stranger: yeah.. or it can sit here and be mine.

You: or like half an xbox

Stranger: ok

You: ok, good luck

You have disconnected.