#than i SHOULD just kill myself right? there are worse problems in the world and if i react like thsi to these then i csnt handle anything

[critterchitters-closedcaptions]

trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.

vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍

[afniel]

So today I woke up and promptly remembered that hey, didn't I have jury duty at some point this month...? I went downstairs and checked the summons postcard and sure enough, I did.

Last week!

Now, this isn't me confessing a criminal misdemeanor, because I was excused, actually. Luck was on my side (and so was the Wayback Machine, which is how I had to check). No failure to appear, no foul.

The thing I'm actually proud of is that I didn't freak out about it. See, when you've got a lifetime of internalized ADHD shame, the typical reaction to realizing that You Forgot Something, Again, goes like this:

Panic so much. You're going to be In Trouble. Nothing can possibly be worse than being In Trouble. This is a category 5 emergency.

Self-flagellate as hard as humanly possible. What kind of useless sack of unreliable shit, accidentally mislabeled as a human being, could have fucked this up so badly? This is just like everything else in your life. Nothing you do is ever right no matter how hard you try. What's even the point? You're an eternal fuckup. Might as well just accept it.

Existential crisis spiral until you can't even remember what the real problem is. The problem is just you. The problem has always been you. Why are you like this?

Eat an entire thing of Oreos, or whatever your self-destructive self-soothing behavior of choice is. Do you feel better? Not really. You stopped hyperventilating at least, so it'll have to be close enough.

Actually deal with the real problem, if it's even a problem. It probably wasn't. Now you just feel stupid for getting so worked up about it.

Completely fail to realize that you punishing the hell out of yourself in steps 2-4 is just reinforcing your panic response and making you less capable of coping in the future, because you've had it beaten into your head that forgetting things, a normal and reasonable human error, is Simply Not Acceptable, even if it's ultimately pretty harmless. But hey, if you kick your own ass about it harder than anybody else would or even could, then you've personally made sure you have control over the severity of the punishment, right?

Right?

Does that sound like a trauma response? Well, it should, because it is. Many people with ADHD have this same trauma response, because having a brain that doesn't work like everyone else's in a world that is not just not built to accommodate that, but in fact is built to convince you that this is a personal, moral, and unforgivable failure is actually pretty traumatic.

That's verbatim how I've lived most of my life. Don't ask me how the hell I got this far carrying on like that, because I don't even know. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger gives you a goddamn complex. But I've been working on it over the past I don't even know how many years, and today, my response was more like this:

Oh shit jury duty was a week ago. Well, now I just feel silly.

Uhh...let's figure out the worst possible outcome. Jail time? Seems highly unlikely for a first time misdemeanor. Possibly a fine, but probably a warning.

Let's look up what actually happens to people in my county who miss their jury duty. They get sent a second summons. That's very reasonable and not at all a real problem if it happens.

Let's find out if I was even summoned to appear. If not, it isn't even a problem. Mention it to my partner at this point. They say 'yeah, I forgot I had jury duty once. I looked up whether or not I was summoned on the Wayback Machine. You told me to not worry about it either way because people honestly forget all the time, and it's a fixable problem whatever happens.'

Realize they are right (and that I forgot this happened until they mentioned it because it was such a non-issue), and I should take the advice I give and treat myself like somebody I care about. I reassure myself that it's not a big deal and people do it all the time and nobody's doing to be personally affronted, and a sincere apology goes a very long way even with a cranky judge if it comes to that. I check the Wayback Machine.

I was excused anyway, so no big deal in the end. I now have a funny story to tell, and I'll probably remember better in the future as a result. Realize that even if it had gone worse, it still would have ended up a funny story later. Yeah, even if they inexplicably threw me in jail for a night. That sure would never get old retelling.

Have a shower and get on with my day.

Gold star for me, I completely didn't even realize that I was de-catastrophizing so well until after the fact. Like I've got it down to a reflex now. I am legitimately just a much calmer person than I used to be. Feels pretty alright! I could get used to this not kicking the absolute mental health out of myself every time something goes slightly wrong. Highly recommend being nice to yourself actually, 10/10 experience.

Anyway that's me tooting my own horn. I feel very emotionally stable and pretty good about that fact. It's been a fucking journey.

[georgiapeach30513]

With Your Touch, Part 1

Summary: You were supposed to be living a normal life. Perfect boyfriend, just graduated college, and ready to start your new life. Until you met him. Brooding and imposing unless his daughter is around. You knew nothing about babies, but he knew less. Tension builds, feelings flare up, but are they just because he looks extremely sexy when he's soft? Could it be because you are falling for this princess of a baby girl before him? Is it because when he's in town you're too close? The money is good, and yet his attention is better.

Pairings: Lloyd Hansen X Reader

Rating: mild

Warnings:  language, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 4.1K

Series Masterlist

*dividers created by @firefly-graphics

Lloyd scowls as he watches the scene in front of him. The crease between his brows is extra deep. He hates working in the field almost as much as he hates watching it. Idiots. He was surrounded by incompetent idiots.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” His fist slams on the table. How many shots have to be fired before they secure their target. “He’s right fucking there! Shoot his ass!”

“Lloyd,” a timid man says behind him, and Lloyd’s eyes never leave the monitors. “Mr. Hansen?”

“I don’t want to do this myself, but I fucking will! Levinson, get ready to go!” More rounds of bullets, and still the target was missed. “What the fuck is this?”

“Lloyd!”

His body goes rigid as he turns to look at the small man who is shivering. Eyes downcast to the floor so he doesn’t look at the towering man. “Why the hell are you addressing me?”

“We have a problem.”

“No, shit, Sherlock. I have two teams of mercenaries after one target, and he’s not been shot. What the fuck else could be wrong?” He leans over a bit looking at the man. “Well?”

“Who the hell brought a baby?” Ari asks, staring down at a pitiful little carrier. An envelope beside the small bundle, and her bright green eyes stare up at the large man. “This isn’t bring your daughter to work day,” her face cracks a moment as she searches his face. Lips puckering out before a scream radiates through the makeshift office. “Make it stop!”

“Where the fuck did a baby come from?” Lloyd snaps a finger at another man to take over the original issue at hand. He just needs the target killed, and he can go home for a bit. “What is this?”

Ari’s hands slap on the side of his head covering his ears, but his foot tilts the carrier to rock it a bit, but still she wails. Seeing how no one attempts to help out, or get the baby to stop, Lloyd assumes this is something he’s going to have to take care of. What else was new? Rolling his eyes in annoyance, he leans down to grab up the letter. Crumpling it up before looking down at the baby. “Mother fucker.”

Your fingers run over the empty shelves in your dorm room. Graduation has finally happened, and now it is time to leave your mark on the world. Your father didn’t bother to show up for your graduation because why would he? He never showed up personally in your life. Not really. He always made sure that everything was paid for though. It could be worse, right?

You try not to complain about your father, or your family. You had more than most and should be grateful. But then some people had attention. Sighing, you grab up your bag, and look towards the door.

“Chase,” whispering, you walk over to him, and lay your head on his chest. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I don’t know why you feel so attached to this dorm room, honey.”

“Because it was my home,” you’re sure he didn’t fully understand, which was okay, you never bothered to explain. You kept your family dynamics quiet. He never asked why you were so quick to visit with his family for the holiday, just enjoyed you being there.

His warm arms wrap around you, and he holds you in a tight embrace. He wasn’t quite comfort, but he is sweet. He means well, and did what he could for the information that you provided to him. But this dorm room was the closet you had to a home. You had good memories here. Friends that were more like family, and now it’s gone.

You groan when the stupid sound of your absent father’s ringtone sounds off. Maybe he is actually calling to congratulate you for wasting his money on a degree that he deemed pointless. He. It probably wouldn’t matter what you did, it’d never be good enough for him.

“You gonna get that?”

“Do I have to?” You complain looking up at Chase. His mouth lifts to the side, and he nods his head. He is right. You should talk to him and quit hiding. You didn’t know what he was going to say or do. “I’ll be waiting in the car.”

“So the kid is yours?” Ari looks down at the car seat, watching the little baby cry, no one attempting to soothe or comfort her. Lloyd squats down and rubs his thumb over her cheek, and she struggles to breathe from her tears. “Are you going to hold it?”

“Can you stop referring to my daughter like she’s a thing?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Ari answers sarcastically. “Then pick her up. What is her name?”

“Clara told me to name her. She didn’t bother naming her. What…what do I do?” He looks up at his friend, showing the tiniest bit of emotion. “I don’t know anything about babies.”

“Start by holding her.”

“You hold her,” Lloyd is a lot of things but nurturing is far from one of them. He was a man that didn’t make mistakes, but clearly, he messed up somewhere. Of all the women he had been with only one was he stupid enough to knock up. But the way Lloyd is staring at her would suggest he almost wanted a baby.

“This is so fuck…this is so stupid. Clean up your mouth. She isn’t old enough to talk yet, but she will be,” Ari gets down to his knees, starting to remove the straps over her body. “She’s a pitiful little thing. Shh, girlie, you’re scaring your daddy before he’s properly got to look at you. There ya go,” he coos, holding the tiny girl up against his chest. Her cries soften a bit. He wonders when the last time she felt loved, because her body moves around feeling more of him.

“What’s wrong with her?” Both Ari and Lloyd’s noes turn up in disgust as they smell her. “She’s not been bathed?”

“That’s poop, Lloyd. We can’t have a baby here,” that is something Ari is certain of. Not only was this not a place for babies, he didn’t want to have to smell the baby smells.

“I didn’t ask for the baby. She was dropped on the mother fucking steps. Clara. I’ll kill that dumb trollop. Never trust desperate women. She doesn’t want money. She just didn’t want the baby. And I need her to have a name, so I’m not just calling her the baby. Ari, name her.”

“I’m not naming your spawn. She’s born of you, you name her. And my god, you gotta change this diaper, and figure out what you’re going to do in order for us to not have to deal with a baby like this. What the hell do you want?”

Lloyd turns to look at one of the analysts standing in the doorway. His thick rimmed glasses, and quiet demeanor made him one of Lloyd’s favorites. He was trustworthy, and smart. Quick. One of the few people Lloyd didn’t want to strangle. “Roman, what do you need? We’re dealing with someone.”

“You need an au pair.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It…it’s someone that will live in your home, and care for the child. They could teach them another language, and…”

“Sounds like a wife. Do I get to fuck them? Does she talk back to me?” Roman shakes his head no, wanting to say more, but doesn’t want to risk his job. He had the perfect person to help Lloyd with his little problem. “Where does one find an au pair?”

“I know someone that just recently graduated, and she speaks French. She has a degree in art history, and…”

“I need her at my house immediately,” Roman acts as if he’s about to say something until Lloyd cocks up a brow, “I will pay her handsomely.”

“You’re keeping the baby?” Ari’s answer comes in the form of Lloyd reaching towards the baby. Turning up his nose at the stench, but he holds her gently. Tenderly. He gives her a quick peck on her head. “He’s keeping the baby. Roman, call whoever. Sounds like the amount of money is not an issue.”

Staring up at the posh apartment buildings, and squeezing Chase’s hand, you wonder how you even got here. Your father didn’t do anything but give you money. You didn’t even know him. Didn’t know what he even did to make the money. And now you are taking orders from him. Allowed him to make you feel like shit for your education.

“You don’t have to listen to him,” Chase says calmly. Slipping his hand out of yours, he turns to look directly at you. “You’re a grown woman, you don’t have to listen to what daddy says.”

“Don’t call him that,” your father didn’t earn that name. That’s exactly what you called him, father. “I mean look at it, there could be worse places to live.”

“Yeah, and you’re caring for a child that isn’t yours. And where’s her parents? How often will you have this child?”

“I’m going to live with them.”

“That’s another thing, I don’t exactly like the idea that you live with them. Who are them?”

“It’s a need to know basis,” you mumble. Finally finding your footing you take a step forward. It was now or never and it seemed like it was going to be now. What did you actually have to lose? This was a guaranteed job. It’s not like you had to stay. The pay was great. And how hard could one baby be?

You were going into this job with a house, great pay, and it seemed somewhat cushy. “You’re just going to be giving another child a life without their parents.”

“And just think where I would have been without my nanny,” you spit out, feeling a bit more protective of a child that you haven't met. It wasn’t her fault anymore than it was yours. Children should be loved and taken care of, and that’s what you are going to do.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know you didn’t. You don’t have to go with me if you don’t approve,” sighing, Chase follows you as you walk into the building. Following the exact instructions you were given from your father. You didn’t know what you were walking into. It was just a job after all.

Neither you or Chase say another thing. He definitely could feel your irritation at the need to insert what he thought he knew about your life. Your life wasn’t horrible. You just didn’t have your parents. Especially not your father. He had a business. And whatever he did afforded you a charmed life.

Seems like this child was getting the same treatment. And if you could give her the life that your amazing nanny gave you, then you feel like you’re giving it back. You didn’t see yourself as a teacher, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. And it was just one small baby. Eventually she would be going to school, and that’s if you even stayed that long.

Attention was everything when it came to children. If you said no, and this was apparently an emergency, what would happen to this child? Every child deserves a good life.

You don’t fully bother knocking on the door. Just punch in the code to the apartment, and Chase tugs at your arm. He isn’t as comfortable with this as you are. Your father gave you the code, Lloyd didn’t want you to knock, he wants you to make yourself comfortable. Your eyes go wide as you look around.

You could see the house at one point was pristine, but now it’s chaotic. Empty boxes are everywhere, but all of them seem to be items for the child. Your father told you she was a baby, but not how new she was. Tiptoeing deeper into the apartment, Chase pulls you back into him.

“Announce yourself. This is weird.”

“Mr. Hansen?” The sweetest little baby gurgle comes from the next room, and you look up at Chase. “That’s a real baby, handsome. Can I go meet my employer now?”

“I’m right here. Scream if you need me.”

“Mr. Hansen?” You ask again, looking into the first room. It is an even bigger disaster. Stuff was everywhere. The room has so much potential, but why does everything seem new? “Mr. Hansen, do you need help?”

He needs a lot of help. Could barely tend to his own child. His movements seem very rigid and unsure of himself. “Yeah, I think she peed. She has on the diapers that change color when wet, but…I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I babysat a few times,” it’s a bit of a stretch. They weren’t babies. But you’ve seen some movies. Read some things, “Let me see. Hey there, cutie,” she looks like she could break hearts. She is angelic. Chubby little legs, and the biggest dimples in her cheeks. Completely toothless with the prettiest bright green eyes and long lashes. “I think you’ve overwhelmed your daddy. Did you recently just get custody?”

There had to be a reason for this mess. But he went and spent a ton of money trying to give his daughter everything she needed and could ever want. “I just recently found out about her,” that took an unexpected turn. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have the time to really devote to her, but I don’t want her to do without, and…I’m in over my head.”

So he was a bit like your father. But he seems to currently be more hands on than your father was. It was cute, in a completely not weird way at all. Lloyd was older than you. A full grown man while you had only just graduated college. “I’m not an interior designer, but I know some. The apartment is a mess, I’m aware. Lyla needs so much, and this place was just here. I never took the time to do anything. So me and my partner ordered everything we could think of. I don’t think she needs everything we got, but she could. She has her bed, and her diapers, and there’s a box of formula and food in the kitchen. Her food should be there, right? I don’t think she plays with toys yet, but there’s some somewhere.”

“Is this a Dior stroller?”

“I was told it was a pram,” you stare at him, trying not to giggle. The fact that it was Dior was the more silly part. “I can’t do what I do and have her there it’s dangerous.”

“What do you do?”

“Don’t ask,” the look he gives you makes you take a step back, gawking up at him when you realize his size. He is tall. Arms that are thick and hard as steel. His shoulders are wider than your entire body, “Lyla will be provided for, and because of that so will you. Whatever you need. I’ll leave a card for you. I won’t be able to personally get all your…well, all your needs. So this seems like the best option.”

“My needs? Like food?”

“Uh, I know that you women have things you need,” he’s an idiot. “I’ll give you a check, so this looks legit, but I can provide all your special woman needs,” huge idiot.

“Yeah, I can get my ‘womanly needs’ with my paycheck. Do…how often are you going to be here if I’m living here?”

He puffs out a bit of air, and he fully gives you attention. His daughter now has a changed diaper, and he cradles her sweetly. Some stupid expensive silver teething toy in her mouth, and his eyes roam over your entire body. He’s a bit too handsome to be a father, and one that just so happened to be your employer. His eyes are too blue, and his arms look too thick, and you gulp, clenching your thighs together. What the fuck was this witchcraft?

“Every night if possible. I typically work remotely, but sometimes I do have to go out of the country, and that leads to a few days to a week without me coming home to you and Lyla,” is he smirking? You shouldn’t feel so small and taken aback, but your stomach erupts with annoying butterflies with how hard he’s staring at you.

“Would you like to see your room? It’s next to the baby’s. My bedroom is in the front of the apartment, just off the living room. So I’ll be the first to the door. Absolutely no one in this apartment. I don’t trust people. Especially not around my child, and I guess now you come into my protection. If you need to know the apartment is in another name. I have a tendency to create a lot of enemies, and I try to keep things here as safe as possible.”

Lloyd freezes when he hears Chase sneeze. Handing you the baby, he covers you and her with his body in such a quick motion it takes your breath away. Your loss of breathing had nothing to do with his weight digging into your skin, and you surely don’t let out an odd sound that has him giving you a quick wink.

“That would be my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend? Roman didn’t say anything about a boyfriend.”

“Roman doesn’t even know when my birthday is. Do you have a problem with Chase being here?”

“What kind of name is Chase?” With your free hand, you shove him off you. You didn’t need him that close to you. “Honestly, what kind of name is that? And I said nobody visits.”

“You just told me that. He traveled here with me because he didn’t trust that I was coming to some apartment with some weird man that lured me here under false pretense just so he could murder me.”

“I don’t lure women here. This is a safe space for my daughter. I need you to make him leave,” Lloyd didn’t need to lure women. When he wanted a woman he could have one. And wanting a woman led to him becoming a father.

“But I don’t want to be here alone with a baby that can’t talk,” his eyes narrow at you. It is like you and Lloyd are playing a tit for tat game. Going back and forth of why Chase shouldn’t be here, and why you need him here. “He has a job. He works at an IT firm. Would you really want me here alone and by myself? What if someone comes here to attack me? Then Lyla is left all alone.”

“I’ve taken precautions that this would never happen. When you’re on the clock, Lyla is your only priority,” that made you feel slightly uneasy. You had to make a note to check the neighbors. Getting a feeling that someone was tasked with watching and listening to you and Lyla.

“When am I off the clock?”

“When I am here. Unless,” he gives you that eat shit grin again, shaking his head. Is he actually flirting with you, “I shouldn’t say that, sunshine. So what should Lyla call you? Nanny seems a bit too old and mature for someone sweet like you.”

“Why not my name?” He contemplates that for a moment, looking down at his little baby who stares up at you. If babies could talk, you wonder what she is thinking of.

“Dolly.”

“What?”

“I want her to call you, Dolly. Her Dolly. Ooh, yes, I like that. Let’s see what I should do about this boyfriend,” spinning on his heels Lloyd walks down the hallway, stopping the moment he sees Chase. Your boyfriend stands up immediately, holding out his hand for Lloyd to shake.

“I don’t like you.”

“I’m sorry?” Chase looks towards you holding the baby, and takes a quick gulp. Lloyd’s eyes go between the two of you before sidestepping in front of you. His wide body blocking Chase from looking in your direction. “What is this?”

“Chase, let's get something straight, when I’m not here, Dolly is on the clock.”

“Her name isn’t Dolly.”

“When I’m here, I’ll allow her to come and go as she pleases, but just like Miss Dolly, I need to get a background check on you. I don’t want just anybody to have access to my daughter, and her au pair. And absolutely under no circumstance will you be sleeping under my roof. This is my home, and my daughter’s, and I don’t need stupid boys coming in here and tainting that,” he turns to look at you. Giving you no time at all to process exactly what he is saying. He couldn’t be serious.

“Remember, I own your father. I also own you. I’m offering you money that you can’t refuse because he just cut you off, and you’re used to a certain lifestyle. I’m providing that for you. And I don’t want limp dicks in my home. Have I made myself clear?”

“You can’t do that.”

“I can do whatever I want, Dolly. I’m Lloyd fucking Hansen. If I want to cut every single finger off your father’s hands, I will. You can either have me as your employer or your enemy. And if you walk out that door with that boy, you will be my enemy. I’m not saying you can’t date him, I’m saying I don’t want him in my house or around my daughter. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes,” his head tilts forward, and his piercing blue eyes give you a look. A look you can’t exactly explain, but it makes you feel things. Makes you ready to do whatever it is he told you to do. “Yes, sir.”

“Good girl. Get rid of the boyfriend.”

“But you’re here.”

“And so are you. There’s no need for him to linger around, while you move in. This is just an introduction, sweetheart. I need to walk you through all the boring stuff about your job. I’ll pay you extra if you get Lyla’s bedroom situated. This place is a complete disaster, and I can’t stand it. Get rid of him,” reaching towards Lyla, he walks back down the hallway to her room, and you give Chase an awkward smile.

“Come on, he can find someone else to be the au pair.”

“I need to see this through, Chase,” he tries interrupting you. Like he usually does, but you shake your head. You did need this job. None of the other places you applied at have called you back. “I need this job. It won’t be forever. And once I get settled in, and have my first day off, I’ll spend it with you.”

“You’re really going to let him talk to you like you’re his property?”

“No, I’m not. But I see myself in that little baby, and she needs me. He doesn’t know what to do.”

“Do you?” Nope. You had no idea about babies. You didn’t even have siblings. But your bags that were in Chase’s cars had a few books with some ideas on what to do. You’d figure it out along the way. Plus, you had this odd desire to understand your dad’s job, and also what exactly Lloyd did. How did a man that instilled so much fear in you also have a soft spot for his daughter?

“You’ll call if you want to leave? No questions asked, I’ll come and get you?”

“No questions asked,” you promise, kissing his lips softly. His hands cup your ass, and Lloyd glares at him down the hallway. How did Roman allow you to grow up and be disrespected in a stranger’s home? You allowed him to kiss down your neck, and neither of you even knew he was watching.

Lloyd would never let Lyla be treated like that. He wished he could make her not get any bigger. He liked the idea of having a woman in his home. Even if it wasn’t the way that a traditional family had it, who knew what the future held. You wanted to please him. Even told Chase it was time for him to leave. He still had it.

Chase pulls off your neck, and notices Lloyd watching you. His hands slip into your back pockets, and he gives your ass a bit of a squeeze, “Who’s girl are you?”

“I’m yours, Chase. Now go on, I’ll call you later,” his eyes flick over to Lloyd, who ventures into Lyla’s room. Going to lay her down for her nap as he tries to think of ways to get rid of Chase. He is an asshole. A cocky one at that. Unfortunately he reminded Lloyd of himself. And there is only enough room in your life for one asshole.

Next

Masterlist

Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @pono-pura-vida @peaches1958 @seitmai @smile1318 @andydrysdalerogers @cjand10 @midnightramyeoncravings @kmc1989 @floral-recs @pandaxnienke @theinheriteddutchess @rainydayandmondays @buckybarnesisdaddy @patzammit @xoxo-ls @rebeccapineapple @slutforchrisjamalevans @marvel-wifey-86 @jesevans @ughdontbeboring @infantasywonderland @vampy-doll @i-like-to-read-13 @missacidburn928 @charmed-asylum @honeyhoneylovelylove

[themissingnumbers]

[ @pkmn-monochrome - interaction thing i can't send as an ask bc long and images]

The dark of the Pokemon tower is never something that has bothered Red. Never something that would, certainly not after seeing much worse and being much older.

At this point, really, it's a kind of eeriness he'd come to miss. It reminds him of simpler times- days when a young boy only had to fear things like ghost stories, and shadows that lurked in the dark.

He knows very well that this place is not the Pokemon Tower he knew, of course. He's not stupid. This place was only built in its image, the miserable ending of a game dyed in grey and built out of spite.

He runs a hand along the wall of the staircase he descends, feeling the cold stone, yet also the intangible data, dull static and code under the fingertips. Watches in quiet fascination as the textures distort and corrupt under deliberate contact, the broken foundations of Generation 1 reacting to him, (same as always,) but a touch more stable from the fusion of the bastard remakes keeping it grounded.

Any damage caused is meaningless, the existence of it debatable as a whole, as he passes through a loading zone. Half of him watches everything fade to black, the other half just continues down the steps that are as tangible as anything else here is to someone within the game. Everything is right- just as it should be.

Either way, it's not like it's his game to break. That would be plain rude, especially with the risk of killing someone!

Intrigue in this world, curious as it may be, isn't why he's here.

Nah. He's more interested in something else.

Or, someone, to be more precise.

Having finally found who he'd looking for, Red steps off the stairs and into another layer of this endless graveyard, whistling as he finally lays eyes on a certain monochromatic individual.

"Y'know..." he chides from across the room, "A graveyard's a pretty cliche place to spend eternity, don't you think?"

He snorts at his own remark. "Course, I guess it's not like you had a choice. The sadsack that made this game could've picked something a little more outside the box, is all I'm saying. Do you think they'd bury bodies in the Viridian Forest, maybe? Or swimming offa Route 20, try a little watery grave... Oh, Champion's Road could be pretty morbid!"

He sighs and folds his arms, shaking his head at himself.

"... Nah, I'm joking. I can see the vision. I could give less of a shit about this place, anyways..."

His eyes gleam, and a menacing smile spreads across his face.

"I'm more interested in you. A glorified reskin of Pokemon Tower ain't shit compared to you. A little bug told me about some sentient Red-Leaf kinda amalgamation with the memories of a real person, and I just had to look into it and come to see for myself. Lo and behold..."

He spreads his arms out in some kind of almost-mocking grand gesture.

"Here you are! Cody, right? In the flesh, or... I suppose your problem is the lack thereof, heh."

He begins to approach, moving slowly and never once looking away. He stalks forward, every step careful and deliberate, teeth bared in a grin that holds no happiness but oozes with amusement.

"I've got so many questions, I don't even know where to begin. You're really something special... One of a kind, fully aware of everything. Knowing what life both here, and out there, is really like. I've seen players that would kill to even get a chance to stand where we do, but... You want out more than anything."

Scratching his chin, the man walks around them at a slight distance. Red gets the thought that Cody wouldn't want something like him anywhere near them. At least he can respect that.

"Suppose the courteous thing would be to ask a question- that's the tradition around these parts, right? Constantly interrogating you so you don't have to sit here, alone with your..."

His eyes flicker to the two GHOSTs at Cody's side.

"... Thoughts. And the like."

He hops onto a grave nearby, sitting with his ankles crossed. Respect towards the dead be damned, every tomb in places like this were about as sacred as Halloween decorations.

"Here's what I'd like to know, Cody."

His smile widens further- for a brief moment, the glitches on his body seem to spread to the air around him, cutting through the gray with burning streaks of red, white, and yellow.

"You have your hacker's memories. Some of them. ANY of them. It's enough. You'd know what it was like to be them. You know what it was like to be human. You know both worlds."

"What is it like? To be real? To be something more than code. How different is it from this?"

"What was it like to be HUMAN?"

He jabs a finger forward, pointing at them as the static that flared up around him quickly subsides, clearing the air back into the typical oppressive atmosphere of the endless graveyard.

"I want to hear it from you," he finishes cooly, "someone who has been on both sides of the screen. You could tell me better than anyone."

[amazingmsme]

Keeping Secrets

AN: More epic fluff! This time with Elpenor & Ody! Think it’s safe to say that we’re all in dire need for some cute goofy shenanigans after thunder saga, & I already had an idea for this. If anyone has any Eurylochus prompts please send em my way, cause he’s next!

“Ow!”

Elpenor yanked his hand away from the oar, inspecting his palm while the men around him continued rowing in unison.

"You okay?" Polites asked, turning around in his seat to check on the younger man.

"Yeah, it's just a splinter," he shrugged it off, picking at the skin around it in the hopes of working it from his palm. But his nails were short, and the splinter was deep, and it proved to be too difficult a task. He went back to rowing, ignoring the nagging pain in his hand.

That was a week ago.

Now, the skin around the splinter was red and puffy, and far too tender for him to do intense labor with that hand. He avoided rowing, as if the very act would kill him, opting for quite literally any other job.

He was slowly peeling carrots, the work tedious, yet easy on his hand. The cool carrot actually felt good against his inflamed palm. But he missed the camaraderie that came with the more difficult jobs, and people were starting to get suspicious.

Eurylochus marched through the kitchen doors, arms folded across his expansive chest as he stared down at him.

"Uh, d-did I do something wrong?" he asked, sitting up straight as the second in command walked in.

"Not exactly."

When Eurylochus didn't elaborate, Elpenor filled the silence. "So... why are you looking at me like that?"

"Why are you nursing your right hand?" he countered, catching Elpenor off guard.

He sputtered in shock as he answered, "Wha- I- no I'm not!"

"Oh, so you normally peel with your left hand?" he asked, arching a brow quizzically. Elpenor glared at him before he sighed in defeat. His shoulders sagged as he looked away.

"No... Hey! Let go!" Elpenor was wrenched to his feet when Eurylochus snatched him by the wrist, inspecting his injured hand.

"Mhm, you let it get infected," Eurylochus confirmed upon inspection. He snatched his hand back and clutched it close to his chest.

"I didn't let it do anything! I just couldn't get it out!" he snapped defensively.

"Well did you ask anyone for help?" Eurylochus asked in an even tone. Elpenor continued to glare.

"No..."

"Then you didn't try very hard," he reasoned, holding up a hand to silence Elpenor when he opened his mouth to argue. "It's alright. Just follow me." He walked to the door, holding it open for both of them.

"So where are we going?" he asked as he trailed behind.

"Odysseus has some tweezers. He should be able to get that splinter out no problem," he answered. Elpenor froze in place.

"The captain doesn't really need to know about this," he rushed out. Eurylochus turned to look at him, smirking when he took in his fearful expression.

"He already knows."

"Wha-"

"Polites told us."

Elpenor scoffed and crossed his arms, rolling his eyes as he spoke. "Of course he did."

"Hey, you should be grateful. Would you rather loose your hand because of a little splinter?" Eurylochus teased.

"Oh please, I wouldn't loose my hand-"

"No, because we're taking care of it right now," Eurylochus said matter of factly. Elpenor silently mocked him from behind, stopping immediately when he turned to check if he was coming. He begrudgingly trailed behind, complaining the whole way.

"Elpenor, relax. He just wants to talk to you and patch you up. It's not the end of the world."

"But this is stupid, can't I just take the tweezers and do it myself?" he tried to reason. Eurylochus shook his head, his expression shifting towards amusement when he saw his hesitation and worry.

"His bark is worse than his bite, I assure you."

"Hey, I'm not afraid of him!"

"You're sure acting like it," Eurylochus countered.

"He's gonna chew me out, I know that," Elpenor grumbled. He flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Like I said. His bark's worse than his bite."

Elpenor heaved a dramatic sigh before following the rest of the way. Eurylochus ruffled his hair as he wished him luck, and he swatted him away before knocking.

The door opened and the captain welcomed him with a warm smile.

"Hey there. Come on in, have a seat," he greeted, pulling a chair away from his desk as he rifled through his things. Elpenor hesitantly walked in, taking in his surrounding as he sat down. The captain's room was messy yet organized, with eclectic decor and trinkets lining the walls and shelves.

Odysseus returned with a small pair of forceps, sitting on the edge of his bed in front of Elpenor. He noticed him staring at a large set of jaws hanging across the room and grinned.

"Polites and I reeled it in off the coast back home," he explained. Elpenor perked up.

"Really?"

"Yup. It was one hell of a fight too," Odysseus reminisced. "What about you? Do you enjoy fishing?" he asked conversationally. Elpenor thought for a moment before nodding.

"Yeah, I guess I like it," he agreed.

"Well it'll be a lot harder if you only have one hand," he chastised, though he kept his tone light enough. Elpenor looked at the floor, his head hung in shame.

"Yeah, well, it didn't come to that, so..." Elpenor trailed off, still refusing to meet the captain's gaze. Odysseus took notice and placed his hands on his hips.

"Oh come on, I was just teasing!" When Elpenor didn't crack a smile, he rolled his eyes and smacked him on the knee. "Lighten up!"

Elpenor chanced a glance at him, brows furrowed in confusion. "Aren't you gonna... I don't know, yell at me?"

"I can get my point across without yelling," he said, holding out his hand expectantly. Elpenor hesitated before placing his hand in his, palm up. "But you really shouldn't let any injury go unchecked, especially on a ship. You've scrubbed the deck, you know how filthy these things are," he chuckled at his own joke. Elpenor didn't find it nearly as amusing.

"I mean, even the smallest cut could get infected, and if you let it go long enough, next thing you know, you lost your hand. Or foot. Or whatever," he scolded, pointing an accusatory finger in Elpenor's face.

"Okay, I get it. I'll get help next time," Elpenor snapped.

"Hey, I'm your captain, don't you dare speak to me like that," Odysseus barked as soon as his tone shifted. Elpenor shrunk back.

"Yes sir. Sorry."

Odysseus sighed. "I care about the well being of every man on this ship. Okay? So whether you get stabbed, or you get a splinter, or anything in between, you fucking let someone know. Understood?" Elpenor nodded.

"Understood?"

Elpenor nodded more vigorously. "Yes sir."

Odysseus perked up, a cheery smile replacing the stern look. "Good! Now let's get you taken care of." He pressed his thumb against the inflamed skin, making Elpenor wince slightly.

"Sorry, it's kinda tender," he apologized.

"It's alright," Odysseus said, tongue poking out the side of his mouth as he concentrated. He massaged around the area, trying to work the splinter back to the surface. "Wouldn't hurt if you'd just done this to begin with-"

"Okay!"

Odysseus gave him a pointed look and he shut up. "That's what I thought." Despite his words and outward demeanor, Odysseus was actually hoping for a little bit of that classic defiance that everyone had come to associate with the youngest among their ranks. To see him so quiet and obedient felt... wrong.

Was Elpenor afraid of him?

Gods, he hoped not. He didn't want his men to fear him, he just wanted their respect. And Odysseus was wise enough to know the difference.

"Relax, this isn't gonna hurt."

Elpenor scoffed, "I know that."

"Really? 'Cause you're kinda acting like I'm gonna bite your hand off," he teased.

"Lots of talk about me losing my hand today," Elpenor quipped. "You and Eurylochus planning something?"

Odysseus couldn't help but bark out a laugh and shake his head. "Just concerned for you, is all."

Elpenor narrowed his eyes skeptically. "Uh huh." He watched as Odysseus worked the splinter closer to the surface before grabbing the tweezers.

"Alright, I think I can get it now." He pinched the tweezers twice just for show before he got to work pulling the splinter out. Elpenor watched as he slowly tugged the invasive piece of wood free from his palm. It was longer than he expected, and had been nestled right near his thumb, preventing adequate mobility. The relief he felt when it was finally pulled free was immense.

"See? That wasn't so bad," Odysseus said once he finished. Elpenor nodded in agreement, glancing up at him in thanks.

"No sir. Uh, thank you." Elpenor made to stand, but Odysseus yanked him right back down.

"We're not quite done yet. Sit," he demanded, despite already forcing him to do so.

"Oh, uh, okay," Elpenor said nervously, watching every movement he made.

Odysseus walked over to a bucket in the corner and carried it back, sloshing precariously along the way.

"Hold out your hand," Odysseus ordered, and he listened. He held the bucket up and poured a generous amount of saltwater over the inflamed skin. He offered a towel to dry off before rummaging around his room once more. He returned with a golden jar and some loose bandages. Elpenor studied his movements with curiosity.

"So what's all this for?" he questioned.

"Well," Odysseus began as he unscrewed the jar and dipped his finger inside. "The saltwater was to clean the wound-"

"I wouldn't exactly call it a wound-"

"Shh, the captain's talking," he playfully shushed him, but Elpenor's mouth snapped shut regardless. "And the honey and bandages are to make sure it heals," he explained as he dabbed the honey onto his palm.

He was practically stiff as a board. Odysseus wasn't even sure he was breathing.

"You okay there?"

Elpenor snapped himself out of it and nodded. "Yup! Never better!"

"Uh huh," Odysseus said skeptically. He continued to spread the honey across his palm, this time watching Elpenor's reactions carefully. Strangely enough, he seemed to react more than when he actually removed the splinter. His shoulders were tense, lips pressed in a thin line as he avoided the captain's gaze. Odysseus traced the long crease of his hand, and his arm instinctively pulled back, fingers twitching with the urge to form a fist.

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

To Elpenor, the question came out of nowhere. He looked up in a panic, locking eyes with Odysseus. "What?"

"I know this doesn't hurt half as much as you're acting like it does. So what gives? You got another splinter you're not telling me about?" His questions were sensible and valid, and Elpenor hated just how genuine he sounded.

"No!"

"Then what is it?"

"It's nothing!"

Odysseus didn't believe him. He squinted, looking Elpenor up and down. He leaned forward, on the cusp of invading his personal space. "Then act like it's nothing." He then continued to apply the honey in a thin, sticky layer.

And Elpenor flinched once more, biting his bottom lip.

Odysseus let out a small noise in frustration, letting go of his hand and fixing him with a look. "What's really going on?" he demanded.

"Noth-"

Odysseus held up a hand to silence him. "Don't lie to me." Elpenor went quiet, fixing him with a glare of his own.

"I'm not lying! It really is nothing."

"Yeah, because flinching at every touch is normal," Odysseus countered.

Elpenor hung his head, refusing to look at the captain for what seemed like the millionth time. "It's stupid," he mumbled, a faint blush spreading across his cheeks, not quite visible to Odysseus.

"Try me." When Elpenor didn't quite get the hint, he continued. "Oh come on, it can't be that bad," he encouraged. When that still didn't work, he added, "Tell me, or you'll be swabbing the deck for a week." That got his attention.

"Oh come on!" he whined. Odysseus grinned.

"I can make it two," he playfully threatened.

Elpenor wrenched his hand free from his grasp as he threw his arms up in the air out of frustration. "Zeus, you're insufferable! It just tickled a little, okay? Happy?" he snapped.

Odysseus tried to keep it together, he really did. But his smile stretched wider across his face, showing off all his teeth, and a chuckle slipped out that he tried to mask as a cough.

"Don't laugh at me!"

"Sorry, sorry. I just- wasn't expecting that," he admitted, looking Elpenor up and down. "You could've just told me, I would've been more careful."

He scoffed and crossed his arms. "Yeah right."

Odysseus cocked his head, eyebrows shooting up quizzically. "Oh? You don't trust me?" he challenged.

"Not with that information, no," he admitted, keeping a suitable distance between them.  Odysseus tossed his head back with a hearty laugh.

"Well at least you're honest. Let's get you bandaged up." He smirked when Elpenor didn't move. "I promise I won't do anything," he said, hiding crossed fingers behind his back.

He hesitantly sat back down, allowing Odysseus to wrap his hand. A long silence stretched between them before Odysseus spoke. "So palms, huh?"

Elpenor groaned and hid his face in his free hand. "Please stop talking."

"No no, I think it's cute," he teased, making sure the bandage was tight enough, but not too tight before tying it in a knot.

"I'm never gonna live this down, am I?" he mumbled.

"Not likely," Odysseus said smugly, not even bothering to hide his proud smirk. Elpenor groaned in embarrassment.

"Oh don't be like that. There are worse things." He patted his knee to signal that he was done, and Elpenor heaved a sigh of relief. When he made to stand, Odysseus stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Elpenor felt his stomach drop. "Uh, b-back to work?"

"In a minute, I gotta check the other one."

Elpenor clutched his hands to his chest, staring at him in bewilderment. "Why?"

"Gotta make sure that one's not hurt. Can't really take your word for it now, can we?" he teased.

"It's fine!" he squeaked out.

"Relax, it'll only take a second," he assured, snatching his other wrist. He yanked him down so he was sitting beside him on the bed, wasting no time before getting to work.

"Captain! What're you doING?" Elpenor's protest turned squeaky towards the end before clamping his mouth shut. Odysseus scribbled against his palm, smiling innocently

"Checking for splinters," he said, feigning innocence. Elpenor shook his head, stomping his feet a little, anything to keep from laughing. "What else would I be doing?" Odysseus asked, as if he didn't already know.

"You're t-tickling mehehe!" Elpenor cried out before bubbly giggles took over his voice.

"Really? Wow, I would've never guessed," he mused nonchalantly, tracing the lines on Elpenor's palm.

"Liahahar! You fucking knew!" he accused, so Odysseus decided to scratch blunt nails along his inner wrist. He snorted and tugged on his trapped arm, but the captain's grip held firm.

"I didn't know they'd be this bad. But hey, I'm not complaining," he taunted, chuckling when Elpenor whined through his giggles and tried shoving him away with his wrapped hand.

"Ihihi ahahaham!" Elpenor argued, trying to sound angry, but the giggles severely diminished the effect. Odysseus scoffed and waved him off.

"No you're not, you're laugh," he justified, flashing him a cheeky grin. He began tracing circles on the center of his palm, and Elpenor squealed, tugging on his arm with all his might. Odysseus barely bit back a smirk, letting him go so that he flew back into the mass pillows on the bed.

Odysseus didn't bother to hide his laughter when Elpenor hit the pillows and only laughed harder when he glared up at him.

"What kind of captain are you?" he asked incredulously, sitting up among the mountain of pillows.

"A really fun one," he bragged. Elpenor rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"You're crazy..."

"Thank you," Odysseus said mock sincerely, placing a hand over his heart.

"That wasn't a compliment!"

"It is to me."

"Whatever," Elpenor scoffed and waved him off. His cheeks were sporting a bright blush, brows furrowed, nostrils flared: oh, so he got angry when he was embarrassed. This just kept getting better and better.

He waited until Elpenor was almost standing to strike. He lunged forward, grabbing him in a headlock from behind and yanking him back down.

"NO! MOTHERFUCKER, LET ME GOOO!" he screamed, thrashing in his hold as much as he could.

"Hey! Don't talk to your captain like that!" Odysseus scolded, wasting no time before clawing at his belly.

"THEN AHAHACT LIHIKE ONE!" Elpenor squealed through his growing hysterics, prying his arm away, only for it to latch onto his hip and squeeze. Odysseus gasped in mock offense, drilling his thumb against the bone.

"You undermining my authority?" he challenged in a threatening tone.

"N-nohoho! Please, thihihis ihis torture!" Elpenor shrieked when he felt that wretched hand scribble across his stomach up to his ribs.

Odysseus snorted in amusement. "Yeah- tickle torture!" As he spoke, he sped up his movements, digging in ever so slightly. Elpenor cackled and thrashed even more.

"You're nohohot funny!"

"Actually, I'm hilarious!" Odysseus insisted. "Oh, I got a good one for you! How many tickles does it take to make a kraken laugh?" Somehow, Elpenor managed to let out an annoyed groan through a fit of giggles. "Ten tickles!"

"Thehehey only hahave eight legs!" he argued. Odysseus glared down at him and shoved his hands under his arms, making his scream with laughter.

"You smartass! I know they only have eight tentacles, it's called a play on words!"

"Stihihill not funny!"

"Oh now you're asking for it," he growled as he scribbled down his ribs to his sides to his hips.

"Ihihi ahaham NOHOHOT!" Elpenor shrieked when he felt hands relentlessly squeeze his hips.

"That's exactly what someone who's asking for it would say," Odysseus taunted with a shit eating grin. "But since I'm feeling nice, I'll offer you a deal: promise to actually tell someone if you're hurt, and- are you even listening?" he asked, drilling circles against the bones with his thumbs. Elpenor bucked and snorted, nodding in agreement.

"Yehehes, just gehehet ohohon with it!" he cried out through his laughter. Odysseus chuckled along and continued.

"Okay bossy. But if you promise to be more careful and look after yourself, I'll let you go," he bargained. Elpenor leapt at the opportunity for mercy.

"Yehehes, fine! Whatehehever you wahant, just stop!"

True to his word, Odysseus pulled away, allowing him to catch his breath. He chanced a glance towards the captain, instant regret taking hold as he saw him leaning against the headboard, arms folded across his chest smugly, and he was sporting the biggest shit eating grin Elpenor had ever seen. He turned away with a huff, mumbling under his breath as he stood.

Odysseus watched him go, snickering quietly behind his hand. He shut up as soon as Elpenor whipped around, trying to catch him in the act. But there he sat, the picture of feigned innocence.

Elpenor scoffed, still reeling from the strange interaction with their superior.

"You're a fucking monster," he spat, but the insult held no heat. In fact, it only made Odysseus smile wider.

"Yeah, a tickle monster," he chimed in, not even bothering to hide his amusement. Elpenor blushed, eyes wide and mouth agape as he struggled to find a smart retort. Odysseus cocked his head. He glared at him.

"Shut up." He grabbed the doorknob, flinching when he heard Odysseus's voice speak up.

"You're dismissed," came the smug call, and Elpenor could just kill him.

"I was already leaving," he sassed back, opening the door and leaving. He slammed the door behind him, cutting off deep, rumbling chuckles. He turned down the hall, nearly running into Eurylochus.

"Wha- Eurylochus! Uh, h-how long have you, uh, been standing there?" he studdered, not quite meeting his gaze. Eirylochus smirked.

"Just wanted to make sure you'd made it out alive," he teased.

"Yeah, whatever," he brushed him off, getting all but two steps before it dawned on him, and he spun on his heels to face him. "Wait- YOU FUCKING KNEW?!"

Eurylochus couldn't help but break out in a large, playful grin. He shrugged sheepishly.

"Asshole!" he shoved at his chest, as unmoving as a wall. "Why didn't you warn me?"

"And ruin the surprise?"

Elpenor let out a high pitched, indignant sound that made Eurylochus bark out a laugh. He threw an arm around his sounders and guided him down the hall.

Elpenor was still reeling from what had just happened. At the beginning of the day, he had a nagging splinter in his hand, and by the end, the splinter was gone, and in its place was a completely new perception of the man he called captain.

Maybe he wasn't so bad...

And then Polites bounded up to him, eyes shining and smile bright. "I didn't know you were ticklish!"

Or not.

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

I think that the misandry by the writers , especially Hess, is something that isn't discussed much. It's much deeper and dare I say, more sinister than just 'men bad women good' because the way she wrote the last episode shows that she wants to convey how Alicent's actions are commendable in a sense that her male children don't deserve her devotion and unconditional love anyway, while her only female child and grandchild do. It's framed as her liberation because she sells her own sons to another woman who is their enemy, but you know, it is good because Rhaenicent and reasons. As a woman, I'm appalled by this. What's worse is that I've seen takes here and on x like "Alicent regained her agency by ditching her sons for the woman she loves, her betrayal is understandable, go girl, you have my support" (and this one is tame compared to some others). Believe me, I'm not exaggerating. And I must be from mars because in my book that's not acceptable, understandable or commendable in any way, just the opposite. The problem, however, lies in the fact that the narrative and the writers' agenda support these vile and delusional takes. You don't even have to be a parent to see how evil and nonsensical this idea is, you just have to be able to understand basic human emotions and family dynamic. The writers and a big chunk of the fandom apparently don't.

Hello!

Thank you for this, really. The writers' (Hess' specifically) misandric agenda is absolutely crazy - and IMO crazy evident as well, so seeing so many people fall for it is baffling, sad and infuriating at the same time.

Don't they see that in HotD the women are the ones to blaim for something only when they side with men in one way or another? Don't they understand how forced, unsubtle and - because of that - cringe all the "you are a woman so you can't rule", "they don't respect me because I'm a woman" and "women suffer while men fight" are? House of the Dragon is one of the most force-feeding shows I've ever watched - and for some reason GA and even some people in the fandom believe it's alright. Media literacy is dead for real.

And the parent-children aspect of misandry you brought up is indeed one of the most atrocious things about the whole debacle. I am not a mother myself - but I have one, just as, I think, the majority of the viewers do. I refuse to believe that everyone who cheers for Alicent to abandon her sons has their own familial relationships so screwed that they are unable to understand the outlandishness of the opinion they are choosing to uphold.

Not to mention that in their quest for showing just how terrible Alicent's sons (minus Daeron - at least for now) are, HotD writers completely destroyed Helaena's personality, even the sparks of it she had in season 1. Now she is all about three things: bugs, clairvoyance and suffering (and I can't believe that the first point has been handled the best development-wise). Helaena is supposed to be good and kind: but what good and kind things have we seen her do? Taking care (kind of) of her crickets, offering a necklace in exchange for the life of her son (oh wow) and saying that she shouldn't really grieve for her child that much because the commoners' kids are dying all the time (how relatable for anyone who actually lost a child, right?). For most part she is just there, staring into the distance and saying something prophetic (or, again, suffering).

Just imagine a real mother saying to her son "You know, sonny, I love you, but you forgot to thank me for the pudding I made for your birthday plus you called my bestie an old cow - so I invited your school bullies to our house so that they could beat the shit out of you, you ungrateful jerk. They are in the backyard, go on, don't make your mommy wait".

Just imagine a real woman whose son has just been brutally killed say "You know what, there are so many children starving to death in the world. Why should I cry over mine?"

Honestly, I am beginning to think that people are steadily losing the ability to connect the things happening on screen to actual human emotional experience - as if the characters (in HotD in this case) are aliens to whom basic concepts that have been holding humanity together for millenia do not apply.

[dearasteria]

Major Gale romance SPOILERS below, so please DO NOT read and watch if you don't want to get spoiled.

I was REALLY worried about how romance with Gale would go, especially after talking to him right after he gets Karsas' book. My Tav wanted to believe and trust him, but something didn't feel right. At the end of Act II, when Tav tries to convince him not blow himself up for his ex's forgivness/to save Faerûn, it can be summed up with that one gif from Grey's Anatomy: "So pick me. Choose me. Love me" 🤡. Honestly, she asks not only to choose her, but also not to kill her and the rest of the team. Gale is so easily swayed and tells Tav that he loves her, even more than Mystra. Tav should be happy, right? But I'm like WAIT A DAMN MINUTE, it was faaar too easy, I mean, no protests from him, I didn't even have to use persuasion to convince him. At that point, after the trauma that Bioware had caused us with Anders and Solas, I'm getting paranoid. Gale doesn't love Tav, he's definitely hiding something. But I'm thinking to myself, "Okay, calm down, he just doesn't want to die, super understable. Maybe he really loves her and he needed to hear it? He needed reassurance that he has something to live for? Yes, it must be it". But then I go to the quest journal and see this:

DAMMIT GALE, you snake 🐍 My poor baby Tav (especially since the romance scene in Waterdeep was so warm and tender). She's so in love in him. Now I'm convinced that he will definetly betrey us, stubs us right in the heart.

At the beginning of Act III, he becomes obsessed with a book called The Annals of Karsus that may help him learn more about the crown. He becomes obsessed with how powerful he can become. When Tav gives him the book and says, "We already know the crown's dangerougs. Wouldn't that make things worse?" he replies:

"Worse? It could be the best thing that ever happened to me. To us."

After all this, Gale tries to convince Tav to help him reconstruct the crown. We have this beautiful scene on the boat and when I tell you my jaw dropped. HE CHOOSES TAV, listens to her concerns and simply chooses her.

The way he says it, the way he corrects himself… damn. For Tav, it's like a bucket of cold water. And I'm like, "Here we go again" 🤡

Furthermore, when we visit the Stormshore Tabernacle in Baldur's Gate and interact with Mystra's statue, he seems to feel so uncomfortable, he doesn't want to be there. Tav starts to think he's definitely hiding something. She would like to hear Mystra's version of what happened between her and Gale (I hope we can talk to her at some point in the game, it would be very interesting).

My Tav, however, disagreed, and Gale replies, "I hope you're right. I truly do. Godly power, perhaps I can live without, but you? You're everything". Has the curse of dating mages that leave players heartbroken been broken?

But I have to admit, when he said: "With you, I forget my goddess. I love you. Tell me you feel the same way. Tell me you want what I want. Please" - OH GODS 😳. I was so close to agreeing to this madness. The VA did an amazing job (side note: so many talented VAs in this game, it's mind blowing), the writing is amazing, the music is incredible, I was blown away, really.

Next day, after the boat scene, he's so adorable and full of love for Tav. Then I remembered his gratest flaw (for me it's more like his biggest fear) from the scene with Zethino in the circus: "He thinks he, and the world, might be better off if he were dead". At the time I thought he was lying, manipulating Zethino and his answers. My distrust of mages in games… Yes, I have a problem 😅

I haven't finished the game, but I have high hopes for a happy ending. No spoilers please, thanks :)

What a rollecoster of emotions, I love it, I love Gale. It felt like I was playing Dragon Age: Origins for the first time, way back when I was a teenager. It's really insane how this game makes me feel, how much I care about its characters and story.

EDIT: Okay, so we have an audience with Mystra, I mean only Gale, but we see the whole conversation between them. My only complain is that Gale doesn't mention Tav when Mystra asks him why he defied her 💔 The outcomes are different depending on whether you do it before or after the boat scene. Personally, I think doing the boat scene before meeting Mystra is much better. I get the impression that Gale is abandoning the plan to reconstruct the crown solely for Tav and his love for her. And the drama 👌🏻 it gives me life.

[sophieinwonderland]

The Plurality of... Blue Beetle! (Movie)

Plurality: A state of multiple self-conscious agents, or "headmates," sharing a single body.

Oh, this one is going to be a little rough!

If you know the Blue Beetle, it shouldn't be surprising that they're a plural character. We've never read Blue Beetle comics, but my host was pretty familiar with Blue Beetle from Young Justice, where Jaime had a pretty big role in season 2.

I went into Blue Beetle with high hopes and, if I'm honest, ended up a little disappointed.

But before we can get into why I felt that way, let's first talk about their plurality!

Spoilers for the Blue Beetle movie ahead:

Jaime Reyes and Khaji-Da as plural characters

In the movie, Khaji-Da, often referred to as just "The Scarab," is a world-destroying weapon that found its way to Earth.

It bonds with Jaime Reyes when he touches it, fusing to his flesh and turning him into the Blue Beetle in an elaborate body horror sequence.

Khaji is established as a sentient being, and is able to communicate with Jaime mentally. Now, it's not actually clear if Jaime can communicate back mentally like many real headmates can. Every time he talks to Khaji is aloud, which I think was also how it was in Young Justice too. It's possible that while the Scarab can send messages to Jaime's mind, it can't read it. But that seems kind of a strange limitation when the movie shows it gaining access to a person's full memory after connecting with them, and is at least able to figure out Jaime's name through their connection.

It would seem weird to me if talking out loud to Khaji was necessary to be heard, but that's how the movie presents it. (This could be a comfort thing too. As part of a plural system, I'll admit we'll often talk out loud through the body when nobody is around to hear us. Words can be clearer than pure thoughts.)

A small part of the movie is dedicated to the two learning to get along, with there being some conflict around Khaji wanting to kill an enemy, and Jaime saying that they aren't killers.

This leads to an important moment later in the movie where Jaime is enraged, believing he's lost multiple family members, and is going to execute the villain.

The word "execute" is important here, because while other good characters have no problem killing (their nana took great joy in it, in fact), it's always against active combatants. Not someone who was disarmed. The movie doesn't make this distinction directly, but I think it's an important one.

It's one thing for superheroes to kill to protect themselves and others, most heroes are willing to these days, but it's another for them to kill someone who isn't actively a threat anymore.

Kahji takes just enough control to hold Jaime back from doing something he would regret, repeating back that they aren't killers, showing itself capable of learning from Jaime.

It's a cool moment, and I appreciated this little character growth.

Despite Khaji being sentient and capable of learning though...

Khaji isn't treated as a character

This was my disappointment with the movie.

Blue Beetle should have been more of a plural story, but Khaji is hardly ever treated as a character by the narrative or the other characters.

Yes, Khaji gets some funny lines here and there, ("Host overreacting" being a favorite of mine) but doesn't seem to have any real motivation, interests or really anything going for it.

And what's worse... there's not even a REAL CONVERSATION between Jaime and Khaji. Even when they really should be discussing things.

Like...

The Rooftop Scene

At one point, the bad guys have found Jaime's family. Jaime tried to activate his powers. They don't work. What's a Beetle to do?

Well, Jaime decided that since the Scarab will try to protect him, the best bet will be to JUMP OFF THE ROOF!

And while this is sorta well-reasoned, I found myself internally screaming this entire to time to just ask it to change.

Like, Khaji can talk. They literally said in the scene right before that Khaji was sentient.

And while jumping off the roof made for a dramatic scene, it eliminated what could have been a great moment with Jaime explaining the importance of his family and his need to protect them to Khaji.

It forced Khaji to help, when Kahji may have been perfectly willing to help if Jaime just talked to it, instead of trying to make Kahji to do what he wanted.

And you might wonder, does Khaji get offended at Jaime risking his life to force Khaji into doing what he wants? I wonder that too, because this moment is never mentioned again in the movie.

For a film so much about family, Khaji is never part of that

Blue Beetle is a movie centered around family.

It's about Jaime's relationship with his family who is very close, almost suffocating but in a good way. Jaime is driven to protect and fight for his family at every turn, and his family will do anything to protect him.

This is contrasted with the Kord family which is dysfunctional and broken, and Carapax who lost his family and sees familial love as a weakness.

These themes are intricately woven into the narrative.

So it is so disappointing how utterly divorced from that theme Khaji-Da ended up.

There is a great story to be told about this extraterrestrial machine that crashes to Earth, never having a family of its own or a concept of what family means, only to be bonded to Jaime and go from being treated as something to be gotten rid of to be welcomed as another member of Jaime's family.

That would be really cool. And they seemed willing to tell a similar story with Jenny Kord, being brought into the family group hug after everything was over.

But Khaji is treated less like a valued member of the family and more like an accessory. And even when Jaime fully bonds with Khaji, it's not about agreeing to integrate and share a mind so much as it's accepting his heroic destiny.

This feels like a huge missed opportunity for the type of story they were telling, and a betrayal of that story's central themes.

Jaime's Mother Addressing Khaji

This is the one exception where a character who wasn't Jaime actually treated Khaji as a person.

She first asks what Khaji's name was. Then says...

I know you can hear me, Khaji-Da. I want you both to get it together. Find your strength, mijito. Use the pain we’re feeling and turn it into power. I want you to go back in there… And kick their asses!

I love this so much. I love the mother's character for thinking to acknowledge Khaji as its own person and talk to it directly, giving her pep talk to both of them at once.

It's a fantastic scene. An incredible moment.

But it's also still treating Khaji as a weapon. The one and only time a character who isn't Jaime talks to Khaji, it's telling Khaji to go fight people.

I'm glad to have gotten this. But I feel they could have done so much more.

Khaji's feelings are never explored

We're told that the Scarab is a planet-destroying super weapon. How does Khaji feel about that?

We don't know. It never comes up.

Does Khaji have memories of worlds it's destroyed?

Does it know why it was created or who created it?

If it doesn't know those things, does the lack of awareness scare it?

Can it feel fear, and if Jaime asked if it was scared, would it understand the emotion?

The fact that these things weren't explored at all leaves me with one important and sad conclusion.

The writers weren't interested in writing a plural character

Blue Beetle's plurality is an afterthought.

The Scarab was sentient and Blue Beetle would use "we" pronouns occasionally because Khaji is sentient in the comics. But the relationship between the two wasn't a priority of the writers.

And in my opinion, the film suffered for it. Not just from a plural perspective but from a writing perspective. The film would have been so much better had Khaji been treated more like a character rather than just a weapon and plot device.

Khaji stopping Jaime from killing needed more build-up, and Khaji needed and deserved to be better integrated with the story's central themes of family.

Conclusion

All in all, I feel that Blue Beetle was a good movie. But I also feel its treatment of Khaji held it back from being a great movie.

I hope I don't come off as too hard on this particular movie. There's a lot of media that, when less explicitly plural, I might be more forgiving of. I once wrote a whole post about why I thought Kronk was plural based on his angel and demon Kronks who never get any sort of character arcs. But those aren't intended to be sentient people by the writers. Instead, they're plural by happenstance, simply by being more developed than other shoulder angels and demons in cartoons.

Meanwhile, Khaji Da is supposed to be a full character, I went in expecting a lot, and I feel Khaji just didn't live up to its potential in this movie.

I look forward to seeing what DC does with the character in the future, and if Khaji can get more development.

And I'm sad that, given the box office, it's probably not going to get a sequel of its own. I'm sure the planned Reach story would have given Khaji some much needed character development.

For more of me rambling about the plurality of DC superheroes, see: The Plurality of... Batman (Failsafe).

[emcapi-gaming]

"So you're here to try and save the world?" She gives a single, bitter laugh. "Bit late for that. I mean, I appreciate the thought, but it's not worth it. This place is too far gone. You're just gonna get yourself killed - or worse."

"I've come this far, haven't I? I have to try."

"…Just what this place needs, another stubborn heroic dumbass." She shakes her head. "There's no arguing with you, is there."

"You've got that much right."

"Well. If you don't mind the extra company, I might as well follow you around and yell at you when you're about to do something particularly stupid. Sure could have used that, myself. Besides, it sounds more interesting than moping my way across every square ilm of Norvrandt like I've been doing."

Ardbert chuckles. "I've seen some pretty strange things, but I think being yelled at by a ghost would be a new one. Sure. Why not? Although I'll have to try and explain you to my friends, lest they assume I've started talking to myself."

(fun facts/notes/lore under cut as usual!)

Originally this was supposed to be part of a poly week prompt (combination of role/outfit swap + alternate universe) but I never got around to the other part with Zero. Ah well! I'm still happy with how this turned out.

I think the most interesting part of this shot + bonus drabble was thinking about some of the ways they're different! They have, frankly, an absurd amount of things in common - most of which were unintentional! - but I like exploring how they differ as individuals also.

In this case: Ardbert is way more of a (justifiably) grumpy little shit here in canon, lol. Between the two of them, he definitely has more of a temper and is more likely to default to anger as a reaction. Ardwin will absolutely snap if pushed, but outside of battle, she is, by comparison, a little more patient and willing to laugh things off or pretend they don't bother her. (Although her tendency to bottle things up comes with its own issues.)

Some of that difference is just down to different hormonal systems. (I have it on good authority from my husband that going on T shifted his default emotional response when upset from being sad/crying to getting angry.) However, some of it is just that: a personal difference!

Thinking about it a little more, maybe Ardwin would be a bit more expressive in this AU. I think that Heavensward, in particular, amplified her pre-existing tendency to repress her shit and Not Talk About It, because Alphinaud and Tataru were really relying on her to be their anchor. She absolutely did not wanna burden them with her own problems. (Let alone the whole, uh, "a smile better suits a hero" bit, which, come to think of it, also absolutely did not help.)

In this AU, though, Ardwin would have been running around with Ardbert's friends. This means she no longer would have been the only Warrior of Light, or the only one being relied on to be The Strong One (given that between Branden, Cylva, and Ard___, the First WoLs have 3 tanks lmao). She definitely would still feel like she should be the stoic leader, but they would probably successfully (lovingly) bully her into talking about her feelings every so often, so she doesn't end up with the Pit of Emotional Repression in the same way.

[seventyeight-moose]

Ok, your turn. Tell me about your favorite OC!

You poor soul. You poor, poor, lost soul.

You know not what you have done.

MARIA "RIA" ABIOLA.

My most recent sketch of her, bcos I'm not at all about to post one of the already-rendered pieces I have of her no sir-ee. Then I'd have to look at my Old Art™

Ria (18/19 EoS, she/her, demi) is the main characer of the Shonen Comic idea I have had permanently take resident in my brain since I was an 8 year old girl who had just picked up a Spider-man comic for the first time.

Without getting into the lore of the world too much; she and 3 of her friends and another girl whom they don't know are given superpowers for massive spoilers, and have to grapple with all the usual superhero stuff, questions about the morality or necessity of violence and its use in progress, questions of power and who should wield it, and ofcourse, battles with dope-ass robots, aliens, and eachother.

Ria specifically is a huge weeb. Like, calls people "-san" in casual english speech. That outfit she's wearing is how she always wears her school uniform, pre-powers too. As such, she's developed the personality of a shonen protagonist, without the infallable heart of steel they have. She believes in Good and tries to always do Good and protect friends. But, truly, she does just kind of love fighting and have temper problems, which aren't exactly helped by the superpowers. Her story is about coming to terms with what it means to actually do good, how much of "Her" is "Her" and what's constructed, and what she can do without and beyond violence.

Her powers specifically are super-strength and durability a few times beyond what they all got, and super-speed. Due to power system minutia (get fucked; it's a hard magic system HAH) this allows her to speed up her mind, and she can effectively do a timestop once she gets to a certain level. Then, when they unlock obligatory Second-Act Climax Buffs, she can manipulate the density of areas of her body, which ofcourse is very useful when you're the Heavy-Fucking-Hitter AND Speedster.

Pre-Powers she was already pretty tall and well-endowed and then gaining powers just kind of. Made her be built like a brick wall. AND taller. Steel-reinforced brick wall. I'm not trying to represent a real body type here she is Broly shaped.

Powerscaling-wise: Start of series: City level AP, Town level Dura, Hypersonic End of series: Dwarf Star level AP (higher with Density and Momentumn, up to Large Star), Planet level Dura (higher on-guard, up to Stellar), Massively FTL.

Aaand here's some free quotes of hers I've written:

Genuine attack name she uses (she names her attacks): Cobalt Blazing Starlight Breaker! After beating SpaceHitler half to death in the climactic final battle: "I don't know. I'm not as smart as May, I'm not merciful like Sam, I can't master myself like Yokai. I've come far, you get me? I can stop myself from stomp your head- or whatever's the closest you have- while you're down. But I don't know. Don't you deserve it? Look, look at all those stars, all those worlds? Look at the one we're on now, and tell me you won't do the same to those if we let you. But I know. If I end you right now, that's it. All I've done is prove that it IS right to kill... Right? I don't know, I was never the one who was good at this stuff, I'm just the one who has to make the choice. Besides. We've got worse for you than death. Come on, get up. Or, I'll drag you. You've got to fucking pay." Explaining her powerset to one of those aforementioned other cast members: "It's like. You know Goku? Hmm. You know Superman, I guess? Yeah, it's like that but without the lazer eyes, or the flying. Nothing like him, yeah. But I basically hit really hard." Comic of her at the start of the fight wherein she punches Antartica into several hundred pieces:

---

Anyways, that's how I got my autism diagnosis.

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 4/18

What am I feeling today?

A little overwhelmed and frustrated. I’m having a hard time balancing my spiritual life as well as other aspects (school, work, practice, etc.). I want to exceed in all but I just have no motivation to keep going

The Prideful Soul’s Guide to Humility

Pride is so wasteful. So much time is wasted because of pride. So much money and energy is wasted because of it. Those of us in the kingdom of God have a divine mission, and we have limited amounts of time, money and energy to carry it out. But how many of these valuable resources are wasted simply because of how stubborn, resistant and prideful we can be.

Think of all the time wasted when disciples could have been using an evening to find someone new to bring to Christ. Instead, those hours were spent trying to get some brother or sister who knew better to let go of their pride and just let God work. There is really no way to estimate how many hours could have been used for fresh impact on a waiting world that were instead spent trying to convince a prideful Christian of something that humility would have grasped in a moment

Pride is a nasty thing. Pride is as wicked as it gets. Pride hurts. Pride wastes. Ultimately, pride kills.

Reflection:

I think my problem is being honest with myself on the reality of it all. I always knew that I was a stubborn person that liked things my way (as I believe most people are) but I never saw myself as prideful. I never thought of it as an issue for me.

Looking through this book, I can see that I am prideful. I take pride in my academics and my looks. Actually I used to be very prideful of how smart I was when I was young but that took a crushing blow when I went on to middle school. Even in high school, I did even worse, getting Cs and Ds and actually wondering if a university would take me or if I’d have to end up going to community college. Even my freshman year of college was brutal and I failed a class. Tbh, I think that helped in knocking down my pride. I’m doing much better in school now by God’s grace because I really don’t know how else I could’ve continued going through nursing school if I didn’t have Him to rely on.

I know I began taking pride in my looks around middle school or early high school because that’s when I finally started getting attention from guys. I thought myself better than so many others and I’d go all out every day, wishing to outshine everyone with pretty outfits and showing off. In hindsight, it was kinda ridiculous but I took pride in it. Freshman year of college also brought me back down again - I had to get rid of more than half my clothes, I broke out terribly - my skin was the worst it’s ever been, I gained close to 30lbs and was the biggest I’d ever been. All of that really ruined my confidence and any pride I had in my looks.

Thinking back now, maybe this was God’s way of humbling me. Take things away I was prideful in as an attempt to break me down to a point where I would be willing to go to Him. Or maybe not, because when I did start studying the Bible was the period in my life where everything had turned around, I felt on top of the world and then I became a disciple and I do have this fear that if I enjoy too much what I have right now, God will just take it all away again.

I should clarify, I’m still prideful in my heart. Because I do still take pride in my looks and academics but I wonder where’s the line? Am I not supposed to be happy of my grades? Should I not feel good that I like the way I look? At what point does it become pride and how do I prevent myself from going there?

Additionally, I need to take it more seriously. I always saw pride as an annoying trait in other people but never really sinful. But after reading how God views it, how do I have that message move from my head to my heart that pride is truly deadly and I need to cut it from my life completely.

[baileythebean]

I feel like I’m deteriorating.

I know I constantly seem so negative on here, but it’s really the only place I get to be genuine because so many others can connect with me, feel me, and even if they don’t, they don’t have to give me weird looks about it.

I feel like my friends, (obviously not my closest ones) really don’t want to listen to me. They feel like I shouldn’t have problems because I never have before. I get that the topic of death can be heavy to handle, but sometimes I really need a fucking hug, or for everyone to shut up, or for people to not make me feel like it’s the end of the world over a simple mistake. I don’t know when you’re joking or when something was sarcasm. It was not obvious to me. I’m sorry if that makes me seem stupid or ignorant or stuck-up or too serious or overreactive.

I always need to cry with no clear reason why. It makes me feel bed because others have it worse. I’m sorry if other people are better than me. I’m sorry if I’m weird for saying I don’t want to live anymore, but don’t give me that look. I know you think I’m joking or that I won’t do it, but my casualness in bringing it up is a cry for help. And i have it. Plenty. But still. I feel sick and broken and empty all the time. I am dependent on others, especially when I already know I’ll be disappointed. I want to be destructive. But that’s too dangerous. So I sit in paralyzed fear, craving death so badly but never able to get it over with. It’s too scary and too painful, and what if everyone else ends up hurting because of me?

But what if no one cared either? ‘Don’t do it’ is just a bunch of words. It doesnt show anything. They’re tired of trying to make me feel better - an impossible task for them - anyway. Ugh, finally, Bailey’s gone. We don’t have to deal with him being dramatic and ruining our fun and not understanding anything because he’s fucking stupid. Doesn’t remember anything or say the right things, can’t take jokes. God, what a sad fucking excuse for a person. And he’s not even a real guy.

Is everyone tired of telling me not to kill myself? I’m tired of telling me not to kill myself.

Nothing is ever JUST about me, and yet everything is about me. You want to die? Oh me too, everyone is so horrible- I dont care. This was supposed to be about me. We aren’t talking about you. I didnt offer to be your therapist like I’ve already been your whole life. But then I feel horrible. Of course you should get to share your feelings too. What’s wrong with me? I should listen and we should be in this together.

If I look so much like my dad, maybe I should follow in his footsteps and end it just like him. That’s it. I wanna be just like dad. Dead.

I love being sent paragraphs and asks and little handwritten notes on how you love me and how you care and how I shouldn’t end it because I’m wonderful. With detail and examples and sparkles. But it all feels so desperate and last-resort. Like I’m only appreciated when I’m about to cease to exist. Sometimes simple things make me cry. It’s weird.

I want to break things and myself. Somebody come pick me up and hold me and tell me it’ll be okay. I can’t function independently. Please value me and love me. I’m tired of being the only emotionally mature person in every social circle. I’m really tired.

[iamnotawomanimagod]

what are your favorite lyrics from each song on TGI?

Oooh, this'll be fun!! Every song has so many good lines to choose from!

1 - "I think I'm special 'cause I cut myself wide open, as if it's honorable to bleed. But I'm not lucky and I know I wasn't chosen, the world keeps spinning without me. I told my mother I would die by 27, and in a way I sort of did. This thing I love has grown demanding and obsessive, and it wants more than I can give." - Only Living Girl in LA

2 - "I wanna go back to the beginning when it all felt right. A rooftop, lower East side, I'm singing, didn't give a fuck if I was winning, it's all done now, so who am I kidding? I'm doing way worse than I'm admitting." - Ego

3. "'Cause my dog died last year, he fell asleep in my embrace, and the very last thing I told him was 'see you soon, and we can race.' You know a mercy kill is what I seek, I didn't ask to live but dying's up to me." - Dog Years

4. "I don't wanna go to Grandma's so I'm quiet on the drive. I saw a deer that must've gotten hit, it made me start to cry. Did he have a mom and dad and do they argue just like mine?" - Letter to God (1974)

5. ...y'all know this is my least-favorite Halsey song right now, I'm sorry, I got nothing. (Panic Attack.)

6. "When I met him I thought I was damaged goods, from a real bad neighborhood, so we wrestled in the mud. And I told him he could stay right where he stood, but I don't know if he should, 'cause once my god destroys the flesh than there's the flood." - The End

7. "But that alliance didn't save me from her fate, no I didn't last 'til 28, became a single mom just crushed under the weight of a child growing faster than I can take." - I Believe in Magic

8. "I left home and moved to Brooklyn where my boyfriend had a place, and he had track marks on his arms but had the most angelic face." - Letter to God (1983)

9. "I didn't think that I was special, but I was too afraid to die like the others from my high school, all those sad suburban ghosts, trapped in a cross next to a highway, while the rest of us get old." - Hometown

10. "Trying to love you through an open wound, 'cause everything I put inside there just fell right through." - I Never Loved You

11. "What if I'm just cosmic dust? Put me in a metal box that's bound to rust. Shoot me into space and leave me to combust, return to earth and just dissolve into its crust. I was born all by myself. It's not unlikely that I'll die that way as well." - Darwinism

12. "And I will tear apart your bedroom, I will call you in the night, I will exist in every second just to decorate your life. And when you're done you can discard me, like the others always do, and I will nurse my wounds until another artist needs me new." - Lonely is the Muse

13. "Somebody will love me for the way that I'm designed - devastation, creation intertwined." - Arsonist

14. "You dangle me high over the drain and tell me I'm lucky you don't drop me there and let me wash away, or put me on display by trapping me forever between a glass and a dinner plate." - Life of the Spider (Draft)

15. "You know my father isn't dead, but it don't feel like he's still here. It's strange now that he's grey and getting older by the day, and my eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say." - Hurt Feelings

16. "A problem child, I was rough. But what do you do with a difficult grownup?" - Lucky

17. "Please god, oh you've gotta be sick. Why do you make it hurt and why's it over so quick?" - Letter to God (1998)

18. "I'm lying in a car crash in a pile of broken glass, it's funny how it looks like glitter from the overpass." - The Great Impersonator

And the BONUS TRACKS:

19. "Now the smart-ass white trash bitch is in the first class, well that's American-dreaming in a nutshell." - Alice of the Upper Class

20. "Three words and four syllables, doctor told me I'm not invincible, but I've been livin' like I was for far too long." - Charades

21. "I'm alive, that's a plus, but it's getting heavy, better lighten up. I'm a liar, I'm a lush. I don't think I'm ready to let go of the rush." - Lessons

22. "But my heart feels young and my brain feels old, and my back hurts way too often." - Nothing

23. "Creeping up on thirty, no excuses that I'm young. Is everybody having fun? Then my work here is done." - Afraid of the Dark

Thanks anon! That was a fun way to revisit TGI all over again. <#

[ryanslaura]

the quarry - aftermath CHAPTER TWO

in my opinion, this story keeps on getting better😁😌

You and me, we're not the same I am a sinner, you are a saint When we get to the pearly gates You'll get the green light, I'll get the old door in the face Doo-doo-doo, I'm a loser, a disgrace -Problems Song by: Mother Mother

LAURA

I frantically pad the bed around me, searching for something.

My eye? No, I’m definitely seeing out of both of them right now. It’s something else…Someone else.

Max!

In my mind's eye he’s still in that cage at the Hackett’s jail, sneering at me right before he lashed out. But I’m not in the cell next to him, I’m laying in this bed, this large bed and when I sit up I can see the studio apartment littered with all my stuff; clothes all over the floor, piled up textbooks past their library due date, even that box of half eaten pineapple pizza from three days ago that made the whole apartment smell.

The studio apartment we used to share.

This time I sneer at myself for forgetting the last month. The moment of heartbreak that still hasn’t sunken in.

“I just can’t do it anymore Laura.” He’d said to me. “I’ve tried, but you’re…you’re a black hole and I’m sinking.”

A black hole huh…Well excuse me for having trauma from a traumatic event. I laugh with no humor at the memory. We both knew the horrific situation at Hacketts Quarry wasn’t all he referred to.

It was the moments that led up to that; Breaking into the storm cellar…Failing to confirm ahead of time if someone would be there…Staying when he said we should go…He was right…Only a black hole would drag her boyfriend into a camp massacre based on a wim.I throw the covers off and place my feet on the cold floor to feel something other than all the sweat pooling under my arms but I can’t escape the reminders of why Max left.

It only got worse after everything that happened. We hadn't even been back a week before I - hyped up on the idea that maybe I could change things in the real world like I did at camp - called his college to give them a piece of my mind. Not only did they block my number, but they blocked his application to their sister schools, too. Somehow, wind of it got to my nursing program and I was let go from that as well. At the time I wasn't phased; it didn't feel like the wrong thing to do; still doesn't. In my head it's simple - there was a problem: Max being rejected from school - so I provided a solution. They were the idiots for not seeing it that way.

Yeah right, Laura Black Hole Kearney.

I finally stand up, raising my arms above my head to get the kink out of my neck, and end up stretching out the rest of my limbs, continuing to ignore the alarm that's been going off since I woke up.

A feeling that there's something stuck in my throat reminds me of my plan; today I promised myself I would go to a job fair and try to find something fitting of the feelings that had taken everything from me. If I was going to be a black hole I may as well be one for the greater good. It's what Max would want, not that what he'd want should even be on my mind anymore.

But the sheer thought of leaving my room makes me want to throw the covers over my head and never leave. Ugh.

Oh no. I can feel my mind going to that dark place it often did in times like these, times where I felt alone and trapped and–

I wish I was back in Hacketts Quarry.

This time, I didn't push the thought away, instead I let it wash over me, along with that feeling I hadn't felt since; the feeling of being needed, of my impulsive decisions being essential to uncover the mystery of Hacketts Quarry and end it once and for all.

What I wouldn't give for one more; One more adventure, one more werewolf to kill, one more stubborn boy to fight with-

Ring RING. Not the same sound as my alarm. That can only mean…My heart jumps into my throat and I snatch the phone off the bed, my breaths coming in short bursts as I look at the caller ID which reads Unknown Number.

Squeezing the phone, I contemplate throwing it across the room, but then a sliver of hope peaks through the disappointment. What if this is still Max but with a new phone number?I have to hear it for myself. I swipe to answer the call.

“Thank God one of you answered, I've been trying to have a conversation with you both for months. Please, don't hang up.”

My hope fizzles into nothing; it's not Max. But the voice is still familiar. Distinctly familiar…

Something about the backwoods accent, the demanding tone mixed with obvious desperation. I audibly gasp.

“Travis Hackett?” I'm honestly expecting this to be a prank call from some idiot who heard about the camp case and wants to rub in how horrible it was, but only Travis would have the nerve to contact me again after all he put me through.

“I'm sorry for contacting you out of the blue, but there's something going on and I thought you should know; correction, you need to know.”

Why am I not hanging up the phone and why don't I want to? It's like those dark thoughts have created Travis and brought back the whole experience. Did I do this? Has my wish come true?

“What's been going on?” I asked, my heart starting to race again.

“The werewolves…Turns out we're not the only ones who've seen them…after the case was put on TV, I got calls from everywhere, people claiming to have similar experiences- countless people dead in one place, wolf-like creatures almost rammed on roads. These people were looking for help and I realized what was going on - we still haven't eradicated them.”

My eyes have only gotten wider with each word and my mouth feels dry as I ask,

“And where do I fit into this?”

“You've fought them before…you know what they're like; how to beat them. Why else would I be contacting you?”

“And why do you think I'd help you?” Anger flares along with my excitement. “What makes you think I'm even interested?”

“I don't. In fact, I expect that you'll hang up this phone and go on with your life. But if you choose this job you won't just be doing me a favor, you'll be helping people who can't help themselves, turning the tragedy into something better.” He pauses and I lean closer to the phone. “I know that's important to me, after everything.”

I can’t believe it, I’m actually considering this - I had to be to even let him talk.

And then I am back in Hacketts Quarry, in that jailcell, wishing I were either dead or had some large bomb to obliterate the camp and every decision that brought me there. I was there with Travis hearing all of his condescending statements and demands wondering whether he would be the last face I’d see.

Either he or Max’s.

Max’s!

It may have been my fault that we went into that storm cellar and even my fault that we ended up at Hacketts Quarry, but it was Travis and his wretched family that hired us in the first place knowing there were wolves roaming around. It was their wayward kids who got infected and his irresponsible brother who bit Max.

That was all his doing.

“Go figure it out yourself, better yet, why don’t you go join up with those wolves; It'll be a nice family reunion. Maybe then they'll leave everyone else alone.”

After slamming my thumb down on the End Call button, I drop my phone immediately, my hand shaking so hard along with my pounding heart that I almost don't hear the screen crack the moment it makes impact with the floor.

“Ughh!!” This day just keeps on getting worse. Tomorrow’s problem. I shake my head and step over the broken phone, beginning the trudge through my closet to find something for the job fair. I'll make sure I'm never desperate enough to consider a proposition from Travis again.

And besides, there has to be something at this job fair that beats jumping back into battle right?

Right?

[epic-dragon-hell-99]

going to start posting again maybe i just feel like ass. like why tf am i alive that shits not fair to other people bro. i heard mom complain abt gas prices spiking and if the us still gets most of its petroleum from where i think it does i have some ideas why and i kind of hope it gets worse. cant say that irl though cause it would suck for us but i think things should suck a bit more for us really. my dad makes good money but hes resigned to never retiring so im going to need to get a job after i finish college and that shit probably wont even be relevant to fuck all if i can get one to begin with and im probably not even gonna get beyond a bachelors degree ever and thats more than most people but it mightve been the worlds most expensive waste. i wish i didnt choose a college that sucks ass cause i was ill-informed and classist abt it at like 19. convenience is nice but im not sure it was worth it. although i think why i have fuckall irls is i just have a problem trusting people in general maybe. and idfk how to make the first move or have regular small talk or benefit people other than shoving money at em cause i never know what to say and i don't wanna make ppl drive me places. i can't drive fuuuuuuck. back to gas prices! none of that shit is important to anyone but my dumb ass but i hope the usa explodes forever or something goddamn I hate this shitass country in this hellhole society for real every day people are dying and for what. fuck. if they ever reinstate the draft you guys are welcome to come to my house so we can all break each others legs n shit. also i wish we didn't have to use gas in general but electric vehicles are like what. a tesla??? ew. and there's still a bunch of shitass minerals that kill people to get and that goes for like everything i wish we knew how to at least recycle this stuff. better. also me personally my parents live ~30min out from the major cities in either direction idfk why they did this gotta deal with a hoa and shit despite being damn near in the middle of fuckall. the Scary Woods is fun to dick around in i guess but i think if i described the size of my house + yard it would be obvious why i could probably use having a shittier life like goddamn i feel like it cause i get so scared of everything and hate myself abt it. cant even attempt to be a better person right cause everything feels like a chore and i already do bare minimum or less of those. so basically things could theoretically get a little better for me but i would really prioritize people who are getting killed and dying and shit. what if someone got the president and all members of congress in a hammer car explosion would that be scary or what [lying]

[im-a-simp898]

eats u

Seriously? You're really serious right now? I cannot tell if I have sensory problems or if I actually just witnessed a statement with such an immense amount of sheer stupidity. You know, I have seen the most bizarre things from some guy in class jerking it to Ronald Reagan tentacle hentai, to people linking Chernobyl to penis-shaped aliens, but your comment is by far the most fucking idiotic thing I have ever had the kind of horrible fucking luck one requires to hear your stupid fucking post. From this point on, when I think of you, I will imagine a diseased turtle taking an enormous dump, with so much unbelievably large amounts of shit that all the protons inside of the methyl sulfide this horrendous crap contains spontaneously fuse into uranium-235 that I can use to shove a nuke up your sub-mental ass. You can write that off as an exaggeration but it is 100% true from the bottom of my already-empty heart. I legitimately think that you lack intelligence. I would say you're mentally unstable but then I couldn't blame the terribly ignorant fucking post on you. I literally cannot comprehend how amazingly dimwitted your dumb ass is. I have trouble understanding the laws of physics, space, and time as if all laws of reality have been devastated and disintegrated due to how dense you are. I could write a damn book on your lack of intelligence that is so long, one could read the entire Series of Unfortunate Events series, watch the entire Godfather trilogy, and invent fucking time travel itself before it could even be published under a first edition. Half-Life 3 would be released centuries before I could finish the first chapter describing your purely pointless state of mind. I honestly cannot tell if you were abused too much or not abused enough, because you clearly did not go to school enough to get a proper fucking education. To quote George Washington, "Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company." In that case, I'm getting as far away from you as possible. Hell, I'm actually unironically considering moving to Macquarie Island just to be isolated from your brain cell-killing words for the rest of my now-miserable life. I would rather go insane from thinking about you to the point where I pull a Cast Away and consider sexual relations with a volleyball than actually spending time anywhere near you. There is honestly no other way of putting it; you're an irritating asshole who contributes absolutely nothing to this already dreadful planet. And that's saying a lot considering the fact that I've heard of carbon dioxide levels reaching 400 parts per million, Donald Trump becoming president, and toxic fucking comment sections that contain your stupid bullshit. And again I go, being confused by whatever quantum physics you are using to defy the laws of physics with your stupidity, to the point where I'm saying you are worse than yourself. I have nothing else that is most definitely as horrible as you to compare to except you yourself. How does that make you feel? Like a turtle taking a nuclear shit? I really don't have a single shit to give anyway, because you are living proof that there is no hope for humanity left. Really went downhill after that whole thing where Rome fell; that made a lot of people pissed off. But not as pissed off as I am after reading your stupid shit. No, buddy, if I should even call you that, I am not pissed off at your comment. I am FURIOUS. I am so furious that I will personally take that radioactive turtle shit myself just so I can rid the world of your baffling levels of unadulterated doltishness. You are more dull than oxygenated magnesium or even a samurai sword that hasn't been sharpened for a thousand years. And you better be glad that the sword is dull, because if it wasn't, it would be shoved up your ass just like the nuclear turtle shit. I am so fucking angry that even watching an Adam Sandler movie will make me happier than I am right now.