#than efnisien is from gary

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Pia, I read chapter 65 of UtB (I caved, I was going to wait) and now I am. So angry. With Temsen. Like so angry !! (I'm feeling the dystopia in dystopian universe) (if I had an emoji that's laughing and ugly crying at the same time, it'd go here) Now if you hadn't repeatedly told others to take breaks from reading then I don't think I would've recognised I needed one myself, so. Thank you. I think I am. Practicing a new coping skill, now. *vibrates like thermally agitated molecules*

Hi anon!

Yes! Taking breaks when you need them is very good. :D

I know exactly what chapter you're talking about without looking, because it was a divisive chapter (it's the Domestic Violence chapter where Temsen gives Efnisien a 'come to Jesus' talk re: telling him to cut out his abusive behaviour, because he is being abusive), but the timing is difficult and painful.

Efnisien does need the talk, and does get something very valuable from it (to the point that even 30 chapters later, he's still thinking about it when he needs to feel stronger and more purposeful), but I remember when writing the author's note that the chapter would be quite divisive re: people being upset at Temsen.

The irony is that it's actually one of the better things Temsen's ever done. Efnisien is domestically violent and does slip into abusive behaviours - and domestically abusive behaviours - very easily. Just because that's all he's known, doesn't mean it should be accepted or condoned or allowed. Temsen's talk is one of self-responsibility, and the importance of owning your own actions, even when things are incredibly hard. And the timing of the talk is terrible, but the talk itself is vital.

There's no world where it's excusable to become abusive to a partner just because you don't want to communicate something in actual words. And while even Gary is angry at Temsen for the timing of that talk, Efnisien himself is grateful for it and uses it to become stronger within himself. Because that talk acknowledges Efnisien's capacity for power and self-responsibility after a lifetime of people assuming he's powerless or not capable of taking responsibility for himself.

To me, it's actually one of the least dystopian chapters, but it is a distressing one, especially if you're feeling for Efnisien and therefore feel his actions are excusable (which they aren't, even with all the sympathy in the world. Destroying someone's beloved objects simply to torture them because that's easier than talking is domestic violence, and Hillview would be a pretty poor place indeed if they encouraged or supported that behaviour.)

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I get the feeling that UtB Efnisien would actually be pretty fucking protective of his omega friends or just omegas in general. Like, he already gets angry on their behalf sometimes as we've seen in previous chapters, which is pretty funny and cute since he's made omegaphobic comments in the past. Like I just get the feeling that Efnisien is all bark no bite when it comes to omegas and wouldn't be a danger at all to them and instead is just a danger to other alphas and betas. *cough cough* Kadek *cough cough*

It reminds me of how FFS was towards women once he was away from Crielle and her influence. Just like... really kind and considerate and not sexist in the slightest.

But I could be wrong, idk. You're the author so you're the expert haha.

Anyway thanks for reading my rambling x

Salutations anon,

I don't know yet because I haven't written it, but I actually kind of agree with you.

I feel like Efnisien will likely be a bit shaky at times, but ultimately he does kind of have a protective instinct and we've seen it in action re: him and trying to protect Gary re: his PACS. I'd really love to see that in action around omegas too, and I'm hoping this is the direction he goes in.

I suspect the first omega he meets will likely be either Mosk or Nate. I'm on the fence about Mosk, I think he could be a good friend, but we know he's not really Efnisien's biggest fan due to being so disruptive. Nate I'm unsure of. Flitmouse...hmm... Maybe? I'ts mostly just deciding who - and their personality will determine how Efnisien reacts. I think Nate could potentially bring out the worst in him, but Mosk and Flitmouse are less likely to.

To be honest, I think the first person we might see Efnisien start to get concerned for is - maybe - Faber. I'm tempted to put them in a one on one situation soon!

I do agree that Efnisien has like...this ability to be concerned for the welfare of others once he's allowed to be, in FFS we saw that with Mack, Arden, and just... like generally towards other people. This Efnisien has a lot to unpack, but I honestly think the sooner he can be around omegas, the sooner he will find it much easier to just see them as people!

But we'll see! :D

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That excerpt got me excited to read the next chapter of UtB! Kadek is a character we didn't get to explore much in FFS so I'm pumped. Question: does Kadek's past actions at the other rehabilitation facility still effect him? Does he see himself as a perpetrator or deal with any self-hatred? Does he suffer from his PTSD or something like second-hand trauma? I know that being violent towards others/hurting others or seeing other people suffer can cause a trauma response. So I'm curious

Hi anon,

A person who can honestly call what they've done 'rape' instead of 'oh I mean technically it was rape and they still wanted it' is definitely in the arena of seeing himself as a perpetrator and still being affected by it. He literally says to Efnisien that he's allowed to think of Kadek as a monster, because Kadek was a monster. He calls the story 'a sad story.' The story is literally in relation to him talking about how fucked up the world is. So a lot of the answers to your question/s are actually in the excerpt that mentions all this stuff in the language Kadek is using.

People who haven't taken responsibility for their actions talk about the act of rape in a very different way. And Kadek will talk more about it and it should become a lot clearer even after those first two paragraphs talking about the story.

(More to follow, also just a correction that it's not at all secondhand trauma to hurt someone else, that is 100% primary trauma).

Also, being a rapist isn't 'secondhand trauma.' It's just straight-up traumatising to many people, and fractures their personality to a degree where they can often no longer confront reality afterwards. It's especially traumatising to people who don't realise they're raping someone (usually due to ignorance / lack of education / misogyny) and then become aware, and then have to deal with the aftermath of that. Intentional rapists experience a different journey to people who really don't think of themselves that way, and then find out they're in the category of rapist anyway, which is what Kadek is.

Accidentally inflicting trauma on someone and realising later is traumatic. It's not 'secondhand trauma' by default (though that can be there too - there's 100% primary trauma). If you hit an animal with your car and kill or hurt it, that's not 'secondhand trauma' because the animal was likely more hurt than you were. That's primary trauma, it often can cause post-trauma and even PTSD. If you hit/injure/kill someone with your car, that's not secondhand trauma, even though the other person died and you still lived, that's a hell of a primary trauma likely compounded with survivor's guilt.

Even Efnisien in Falling Falling Stars doesn't have secondhand trauma from hurting Gwyn. He has primary trauma over it, that's why he has panic attacks when he thinks about hurting people and animals in the future. That's just straight-up PTSD. You may not have read that though, anon! But it's a decent exploration of perpetrator + victim PTSD if I do say so myself. :)

People who learn they have hurt other people or animals, and who didn't want to do that, experience primary trauma if they're genuinely able to comprehend the hurt that they've caused.

So we know from the excerpt that Kadek sees himself as the perpetrator because he calls it rape and calls himself a monster, and talks like someone who has owned the reality of what he's done. When folks use this kind of language (and they're not intentionally being manipulative, and we have no reason to believe Kadek is), it means they're owning responsibility. It is people who defer or refuse to own responsibility who will not see themselves as a perpetrator. These people do not call what they've done rape. In fact they will go out of their way to call it literally anything else.

Generally, a person who calls themselves a monster has experienced some self-hatred over what they've done (Falling Falling Stars actually confronts this too!)

As for everything else, you'll find out in the chapter! :D Kadek's definitely talking about the story of how he found out that what he was doing was bad, so we will get to hear how that happened, and what the aftermath was.

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Excerpt from chapter 99 of Underline the Black:

‘No, Efnisien,’ Gary said. ‘Maybe it’s too big.’ ‘Yes. You’re still going to take it.’ The grip on his hip was strong, nearly bruising. Gary pushed forwards again and Efnisien strained away, unable to get far because of the pillow at his lower back, the hand at his hips. He pushed up onto his hands and tried to scoot backwards, as Gary snarled, his eyes flashed up in annoyance. ‘Either safeword or stop moving.’ The alpha persuasion hit Efnisien with more force than usual. He slumped backwards, the safeword briefly flashing in his mind and then disappearing.

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wait okay so now that you're seriously thinking of publishing, will you be writing a new prequel to game theory with the new 'Canon'? like the story as it's meant to have happened between gwyn, augus, terho and the nightingale, or are we just starting from game theory?

ALSO I'm so glad that you might be publishing the ftv soon for wholly selfish reasons -- you're clearly done writing about these characters, but personally I am nowhere near done reading about them, and I'm definitely not creative enough to write fanfiction myself either, so I'm just stuck rotating the characters inside my head like a microwave😭😭 it's really tough out here!!!

imagine the massive wave of new readers and the new community that's gonna come in once the story's more accessible... IT'S SO EXCITING

Hi anon!

No prequel, I'll be starting with Game Theory (and Deeper into the Woods will be published afterwards as a prequel, just as it was chronologically in general!)

Quite a bit of Game Theory is being edited and new content being added (anyone on the Gary & Efnisien tier can already see about 2,000 words of new content in the first three chapters alone, including new scene/s with Crielle), and some content being removed where it's OOC. The events with Terho and the Nightingale will be explained in Game Theory, with Gwyn likely meeting with Terho (or learning about him) a few times within.

As for Fae Tales, you know, it's nice to think there will be some new readers, and there might be like a handful or two, but there will be no massive wave. It is the least popular thing I've written in proportion to the amount of time I've put into it. Even the AUs have all generally done better proportionately.

It's one of the reasons I've never rushed to publish, honestly. It's a lot of work to put into something that you know will never financially justify itself. To the point where I think other projects are far more viable financially (Underline the Rainbow as a series I actually think would be great, because new, meaty omegaverse has a very intense (though small) fanbase and I think that series would bring more people in).

There would be no massive wave of new readers. I think we'd be lucky to see at most about 10 or 20 new folks, and I'll cherish everyone, but I'm also pretty realistic. More people find all my other works these days than Fae Tales, The Ice Plague is still one of the worst performing things I've written in proportion to length + time + work investment (despite being one of my favourite series out of anything I've written).

I think I'm realistic, and I also think there's a chance that the Fae Tales Verse if published could draw some haters. Most people don't want that level of BDSM in their epic fantasy, unless it's much lighter 'romantasy,' which Fae Tales definitely isn't. There's even a chance I might get my KDP author account suspended because of breaching content TOS/violations.

So yeah, it's a risk, but I'll take it. It's just not a risk I'm prioritising right now, because I can't see a way that the Fae Tales Verse will ever really go that far. Hand on heart, way more people who come over from my fanfiction find Falling Falling Stars and Underline and almost no one (with maybe a few exceptions - I love y'all) goes into the canon these days unless they're older / long-time readers.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from today's writing, chapter 101 of Underline the Black:

It took a good ten minutes, indicative of just how much sleep Efnisien needed. But eventually he roused with a heartbreaking, sore sound. Gary could hear how husky his voice was even now. ‘It’s all right, you’re okay,’ Gary said. ‘Everything’s over, and I have some painkillers for you. How are you feeling?’ ‘Sore,’ Efnisien said, voice strained. He didn’t tense, but maybe he wasn’t able to. Gary expected Efnisien to reject him, to demand time alone. He expected to be pushed away or yelled at. What he didn’t expect was Efnisien turning into him, legs curling up, pressing his face into Gary’s palm and making a small, sweet little noise, cute after everything they’d been through. His breathing stuttered into Gary’s palm, and then he reached out and pressed chilled hands to Gary’s sides. ‘Now,’ Efnisien said weakly, voice cracking. ‘I’m an omega now.’ Oh, Gary thought, with some alarm. They hadn’t even talked about what that meant yet, or how he was supposed to act. But what would an omega need more than an alpha at a time like this? An alpha would re-establish independence and control, and Efnisien had turned into him. Gary nodded to himself, and let go of the water bottle to stroke Efnisien’s spine, lean in close.

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Daily excerpt from today's writing, chapter 104 of Underline the Black:

‘Will you…? Uh… Will you come into the…’ Just call it a nest. Call it a fucking nest. That’s all it is. Efnisien twitched at the blankets with his hands helplessly. ‘Do you want me to nest with you?’ Flitmouse said, like he already knew what Efnisien was going to say. Efnisien nodded. ‘I don’t like smelling of anyone other than Anton, but I’ll make an exception for you, lovely thing. You smell like the sea on the freshest of days, and that’s a scent that perfumeries fall over themselves to replicate. All right, let me take off my coat and boots.’ Flitmouse lined the boots up neatly against the wall, and carefully hung the coat on the back of a hanger that Gary had over the door, and then looked over Efnisien’s blankets as he got into the nest. ‘Is it okay?’ Efnisien said. ‘It’s not really…a nest right now.’ ‘I overheat all the time in my nest after a heat,’ Flitmouse said. ‘It’s always a mess. I find I simply need the blankets around me.’ ‘Yeah,’ Efnisien said, swallowing. ‘There,’ Flitmouse said, lying down on his side and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. ‘Lie down, you’re tall enough as it is.’

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Birthday Spotlight - Dr Gary Konowalous

[13th January - Capricorn]

Known first and foremost as the MVP of Falling Falling Stars, Dr Gary was a runaway hit even though he was never meant to be in anything more than a handful of reminiscences re: Efnisien's sessions with a psychologist who specialised in criminal juvenile behaviour, especially those who leaned towards murder, rape, arson and animal cruelty.

The Director of Hillview eventually came to be featured in the Underline the Rainbow alternate universe, an omegaverse where he is the Director of Hillview Omega Rehabilitation, a peak alpha, and the unlikely partner of Efnisien ap Wledig in an unusual m/m romance. Going from psychologist in one serial to lover and main character in another is a pretty big glow up!

‘You touch the lives of the people around you, Efnisien. In the past, all you saw was the negative ways you influenced them. I’m sure that will be the main way you orient to the world going into the future, though as I always say – we’ll work on it. But you do have an influence on the lives of the people around you. Sometimes it’s fleeting. But sometimes it’s meaningful, and important, and quite a remarkable thing. ‘I enjoy you as a client, not only because I enjoy the work we do together as a professional, but also because I enjoy the young man you are. You’re kind and compassionate, funny, and sometimes possessed with a very wicked sense of humour which I frankly find quite relatable. You’re insightful and courageous.’

Falling Falling Stars

Spoils of the Spoiled - A minor character referred to by name only, and the diagnostician of Efnisien ap Wledig, formally diagnosing him with Pure O (a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

Falling Falling Stars - Intended to only be a side character with minor cameos, Dr Gary quickly became the MVP of this long running serial, and was as much a star of this story as Efnisien and Arden!

The Moon is Down - A oneshot between Dr Gary and Mika from Falling Falling Stars.

Constellations - A Gwyn + Efnisien reconciliation story in the Falling Falling Stars universe.

Underline the Black - Main POV character alongside Efnisien ap Wledig. An enemies-to-lovers, alpha/alpha romance, with very unconventional dynamics and a significant (20+ year) age gap!

Underline the Gold - Cameo role

Underline the Blue - Cameo role

Underline the Red - More significant character here, and the unlikely antagonist

PhD of Psychology

Specialises in niche psychology (juvenile criminals/sociopaths in Falling Falling Stars, omega rehabilitation in Underline the Black)

Has a golden retriever - Polly - who is the goodest girl ever

He is dry, witty, dominating, a top, compassionate, insightful, bullish, heavy-handed, can be ruthless, and quick to apologise (though he has to be!)

Older. Age undisclosed in Falling Falling Stars, but he's 44 in Underline the Black.

The scene where he dropped absolutely everything to save Efnisien's life in Falling Falling Stars

Every time he's made Efnisien cry

Being so extra in an omegaverse that he's a literal "peak alpha."

Workaholic!

Consistently helping Efnisien realise the world can be a better place, usually after upsetting him a lot beforehand.

Dumping Efnisien into the ocean (just about) to snap him out of a dissociative episode.

The blue cup

His espresso + wine habit in Underline the Black

Chain-smoking his dead lover's cigarettes while moodily staring at the beach, in Underline the Black, like a 44 year old emo kid.

That good old PhD in psychology

He keeps his wry sense of humour

He always owns Hillview!

He cares deeply for Efnisien

Good dresser! Likes suits.

He pushes too hard

He has a strong sense of inner justice and equality

Needs a holiday

His appearance was intentionally never described in Falling Falling Stars so that people could imagine their own safe version of a psychologist! That's nearly 780k of never telling you his hair or eye colour, for example! Many people swear they know what he looks like, and are surprised to realise I never said a word about what he looks like in this story. Much to the rage and chagrin of fanartists (I'm sorry!)

Dr Gary's therapy sessions have inspired multiple readers to seek therapists of their own, and some people have described him as being the therapy they needed. Sometimes fiction just hits right, especially when Dr Gary's in the room. (He's a pretty annoying therapist though!)

I started shipping Efnisien and Dr Gary in the first 3 chapters of Falling Falling Stars, and then had to stop myself for the rest of the story to maintain their professional relationship. But in a way, the seeds for Underline the Black were sown a long time ago!

After typing 'Dr Gary' for so long in Falling Falling Stars, it took ages to train myself to write 'Gary' in Underline the Black! Thankfully it took Efnisien a while to get on board with saying 'Gary' instead of 'Dr Gary' as well. :D

‘Did you fuck me?’ Efnisien croaked, thinking he should be presenting a more macho image right now, but waking up to that dog touching him – and feeling a bit like he might be dying – was making it hard to manage much at all. ‘You would know if I’d fucked you,’ Dr Gary said, voice wry.

Underline the Black

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Daily excerpt from chapter 92 of Underline the Black:

‘This is a delicate subject,’ Temsen said, still staring at the computer screen, ‘but you should give me a heads up when you plan on having penetrative sex with Efnisien. That will probably take you both out of commission for a few days, and I’d like to know how clear to keep my schedule in case Efnisien’s body can’t handle it.’ That was a pain. But spontaneous sex didn’t happen between peak alphas and anyone other than omegas. Otherwise, it had to be carefully planned. Gary needed medical gloves and medical lubricant. He needed time. ‘I’d resent it too,’ Temsen said quietly. ‘Yes, thank you, Temsen, for saying all the most uncomfortable parts out loud.’ ‘He has internal scarring,’ Temsen said firmly. ‘I think the Stretch lube will be fine, but we don’t know for certain. I want to be available if you have need of me, and if you don’t, fantastic. But if Cella comes back to the property and you’re fucking Efnisien, I’d like to know so I can send her away instead of contacting you while you’re at your most possessive.’ ‘Ah. Fair.’ ‘I thought so,’ Temsen said. He made a faint growling sound of frustration in the back of his throat. ‘I’m going to complain to anyone who will listen about how much I hate this job. I want to help people, not smile and thank rapists for their contribution to the centre. And before you tell me that this does help people, it’s not the same.’ ‘It’s not,’ Gary said. ‘It’s ugly work. I’ve never minded the ugly work.’

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Daily excerpt from today's editing, chapter 94 of Underline the Black:

When they got to the gate and it opened, Efnisien’s wrist flashed out and he grabbed Gary’s wrist where it rested on the wheel. ‘What if I lose it?’ Efnisien said. ‘You’re already losing it, just a little,’ Gary said, his voice even. ‘But you’ve been far more terrified than this. Get your phone out, find out where we are on your maps app. Go on.’ Efnisien stared at him for a long moment, then shoved his hand into his pocket and opened up his phone, finding the app and staring at the representation of the road, the mass of green around them. ‘Now, zoom out, and type in Redgate, and press Directions.’ Efnisien did it, glad to have something to concentrate on. The map reoriented and Efnisien locked in on the route. Gary drove through the gate. It closed behind them, and then they were on the road. Efnisien could only stare at his phone at first, hands clutching it tightly, wrists shaking. But after a couple of minutes of nothing terrible happening, Efnisien risked peeking out of the window for one second, saw the blurred green of trees, and the reddish-orange of the soil, rocks, bark, leaves and dirt on the road verges. He stared down again, felt like he was going to be sick, and then forced himself to look up again. ‘We’re going so fast,’ Efnisien said weakly. ‘We’re going twenty below the limit,’ Gary said. ‘So here’s hoping no one comes up behind us.’ ‘It’s so fast,’ Efnisien whispered. ‘I know,’ Gary said. ‘You’re safe.’ Efnisien pushed back into the seat and stared at the tiny dot moving on the map.

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I'm rereading utb and while i def understand and agree with ef being held accountable for things, at the same time, it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions, much less his trauma, without anyone actually explaining or modeling this

Like, everyone constantly brings up the fact that he tried to kill Kadek even once they've acknowledged why and gary is starting a relationship with him while also essentially his prison warden and with how little ef has experienced in the world, especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Idk, I really love this fic so, so much and thank you for writing it and i don't even need a response or anything, I just get defensive of ef when I'm reading sometimes bc he's trying so, so hard basically all the time and it seems like people acknowledge it sometimes in the moment but then don't give him the tools to make it any easier

Answering this one publicly because I know you're not the only one who feels this way or has felt this way!

Okay firstly, some of this conflict I'm evoking in the reader is intentional. I want people to feel defensive of Efnisien. I want people to think 'hey, hang on a minute.' There's a lot of reasons I want that, including the fact that in reality, most people don't recover from being abusive even after they've been in horrifically abusive situations in a vacuum (i.e. the whole world doesn't suddenly stop and become soft as cotton wool just because you've been abused! If you go and interview a whole bunch of people in jail right now, a lot of those folks (especially those who have done repeated serious crimes) will have experienced horrendous and incredibly unfair amounts of abuse, y'know? It's complicated. Yes, they have a right to heal and a right to support. Some of them probably did some pretty awful crimes as well. *coughs*serial killers*coughs*)

Obviously Efnisien is nowhere near that level, but the dissonance remains. He's certainly tried to murder more than one person. But we root for the person whose perspective we're reading. Still, people do not heal in a comfortable vacuum. In fact, most people are asked to be accountable for bad behaviour usually while suffering terribly. Because most people - unless they're certain kinds of extremely rare people - do bad behaviour because they don't know better and/or they're suffering intensely and it can momentarily feel good or satisfying to make other people hurt too.

That's an extremely hard process for the folks who are in that situation. Anyone who has had to recognise they're being a bully, or being abusive, usually goes through a period of time where they can't just immediately change, and what's expected of them seems impossible.

Now to everything else:

This world is a dystopia. There are things happening which aren't going to feel good when you're reading - systemic issues, issues around unfairness - because it's a dystopia. If those things weren't happening, and people just felt blithely comfortable with the entire world, well, that's not actually what I'm going for. There are times it should feel extremely disturbing to read.

So there are times I want readers to feel like things are unfair. There are times I want them to feel very strongly in one person's defense and only later realise the other person was hurt too. There are times I want them to feel like everyone is being unfair to a character. And times when I want folks to feel like the situation just sucks all round. Like, my intention in amongst the hurt/comfort isn't for things to feel easy or nice all the time, I am absolutely challenging the reader by introducing things that feel uncomfortable.

So when folks like yourself tell me this stuff it's like - yeah! It's a dystopia! And - yeah! Unfair things are definitely happening. This is especially true in the beginning when no one really has a concept of how bad things have been for Efnisien, or that he's an alpha. It remains true because no one is perfect. But it happens less often, that's what makes it feel more jarring as the story goes on. If you're rereading it's going to feel worse in the beginning, that's on purpose. The story is doing its job.

it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions

I don't really know what scenes you're specifically referring to here (like, just the first few chapters? The whole story? Temsen's single lecture?), but this is absolutely not the case. I'm going to look at the whole story:

The majority of the time that Efnisien is rude and disrespectful, especially once Efnisien and Gary are living together, Gary mostly ignores him, brushes it off, doesn't react or responds like it's normal dialogue lol. He's not constantly correcting his behaviour and he's not constantly like 'hey rephrase that to be polite' or 'I have feelings too' (maybe he should say the latter sometimes).

Gary is more aware than anyone that he shouldn't be Efnisien's guardian and that he's not a companion. He says this, out loud, to several people, several times. So we know that he knows that the situation isn't great / fair re: Efnisien's care (and frankly his own. Of the two of them, Gary's the one who keeps coming close to potentially dying from the other person's actions).

especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Gary is not Efnisien's psychologist. And psychologists are not doing their jobs on absolutely everyone, 24/7! This one is so important to remember (both in real life and sometimes in fiction). He's categorically not Efnisien's psychologist and it would be even more toxic if he attempted to be this if they were living together!

Gary being a psychologist is his job in the same way being an artist is a job, it's not specifically relevant to their relationship, except that Gary sometimes has better understanding of the root/s of some behaviours.

Ask any psychologist how they live at home and most of them do not want anything to do with their psychology jobs in their personal life, because they're mentally fatigued/tired from talking to people all day. They are not perfect people, they don't have perfect control over their emotions, they aren't teaching everyone the coping mechanisms they need to survive (this takes a lot of labour! It's exhausting! People can't do that 24 hours a day and stay sane. It gets toxic fast.)

The majority of the time Efnisien has extreme emotional responses, Gary just tends to absorb them, acknowledge them, or actively care for him. It's easy to miss these moments because I'm usually not making you feel conflicted about it.

The times Efnisien has extreme emotional responses and then chooses to repeatedly hurt Gary, there are often extreme emotional responses that follow because you know, that's what Efnisien was aiming for! He was trying to severely hurt someone!

Let's move onto Temsen and Efnisien, because this might be more of what you're thinking of, since Gary almost never holds Efnisien accountable tbh. Temsen is a doctor, and a peak alpha who is a leading educator in academic omega rights and theory. He is the first to deeply understand how young alphas left to get away with their smaller abusive behaviours are the kind of alphas who grow up into rapists, murderers and torturers like Christian in Underline the Blue.

(I just want to add, Christian's own abuse and PTSD is real, I don't think any of us are rushing to hold his hand and pat his head, because we sympathise with Nate more than Christian. But Christian has real pain, and real suffering too. He's a great example of how 'you're still accountable for your behaviour though' at its most extreme).

So, Temsen sees Efnisien's behaviour and he lectures and shuts him down like he would any young alpha who is on a really dangerous path. Even within that, he acknowledges himself - out loud - that it's a complicated situation and the time he comes down on Efnisien the hardest, he says the timing is poor. The majority of the time, he shows Efnisien compassion and care, and listens to his opinions, even when they disagree. He is the first to validate his gender both repeatedly in words, and in hormone and medical support. He's the first to change his approach to Efnisien's medical care when Efnisien calls out his lack of respecting his right to privacy, and he's the first to correct Gary about it when Gary expects Temsen to keep giving him information. He offers pragmatic, compassionate advice about many sensitive subjects in Efnisien's life, his health, his secondary gender, his nesting behaviours. And I would say this is how Temsen actually models better behaviour.

Temsen doesn't expect Efnisien to have all of these skills, but Efnisien has to be told what he's doing wrong and how that's not acceptable behaviour and how he's hurting people, to start learning those skills! Otherwise why would anyone bother? Vindictively hurting other people in moments of rage can feel satisfying for folks who aren't being held accountable.

You say no one is modelling better behaviour to Efnisien so I'm just going to pose some questions that are rhetorical:

How many alphas at HIllview are mounting or torturing Efnisien every day? Does Efnisien have choices in what he eats? Is Efnisien's opinion listened to more and more, especially in matters of his health? Do they care about his pain and offer him painkillers when he's suffering? Are the characters in the story trying to enrich his experiences and help him to become a more mature person by helping him overcome his fears of things like going outside? Are the characters deliberately trying to expand his support network by helping him see new people and lean on them for help, instead of keeping him in a box and forbidding him from seeing anyone? While also taking into account the safety of others?

Are the characters largely gender affirming once they learn more about Efnisien?

Are the characters actively teaching Efnisien social sciences to help him understand more about the world and human rights, which includes his own rights?

Do the characters acknowledge that Hillview isn't an ideal place for Efnisien, just a good place for now?

Do the characters want Efnisien to have a future where he's happier?

Do the characters allow Efnisien to have his emotional responses as long as they're not also abusive responses? For example, is Efnisien allowed to cry, nest, seek comfort, or even be angry, provided he's not being domestically violent? (The answer is yes).

Do the characters to the best of their ability explain things clearly and maintain their own boundaries around Efnisien to remind him that he can also maintain his own boundaries?

Are Efnisien's wishes largely respected where possible? (The answer here is also yes - such as refusing internal exams with Temsen, or having control over what he does most days and how he spends his time etc.)

Can Efnisien see lots of examples of people talking civilly to each other and often with great care, and not being abusive to each other? Can he see alternative forms of conflict resolution, management and repair?

Is Efnisien offered opportunities to repair rifts that he's created himself, after being cruel to someone?

This is just a start, but these people through these behaviours are already role-modelling a ton of better behaviours than anything Efnisien has been exposed to in the past. And we can see that Gary himself role models a lot of these things to Efnisien directly, including apologising frequently and quickly when he realises he's made mistakes. This is how Efnisien learned to apologise! And he literally has thoughts like 'Gary does this / so I guess I should do it too.' That's literally role modelling a behaviour :D

Gary's actually a pretty good role model, and the only reason Efnisien's behaviour starts to improve at Hillview as well as his quality of life is because Gary and Temsen are role modelling these behaviours.

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Efnisien isn't literally a prisoner in his current relationship!

I feel like when folks identify really strongly with a character, it's very easy to miss the times when Gary and Temsen for example brainstorm ways for Efnisien not to live with Gary. Aside from at the very beginning, these characters have actually talked about - in the story, in dialogue - options for Efnisien to not live with Gary.

Like they literally talk about making Efnisien a new room in the headquarters and possibly even building him his own building down the track so he doesn't have to be with Gary! As they trust Efnisien more, they offer many options to him. As the story goes on, they are absolutely not forcing Efnisien to stay with Gary, and nor is Gary. Efnisien himself communicates clearly that he would rather live with Gary than be on his own. This is something that gets checked in on, and more than one option is given to him.

Missing this is understandable, it's a long story, but it also means it's not true that Efnisien is a prisoner in that he's being forced to live with Gary. That's only true in the beginning when they literally think he's just a murderer/attempted murderer who's going to kill everyone at Hillview. As the story progresses, it shifts to 'well he's not a murderer, what are his other options?'

Can Efnisien live a free life wherever he wants? No. That's where the 'dystopian universe' tag comes in. He's not safe to, but Hillview staff wouldn't be concerned with educating him and teaching him independence if they didn't want him to live as independently as possible one day. It's not like Gary has to try to get Efnisien comfortable with going outside and experiencing the outside world, and it's not like he has to encourage Efnisien to meet omegas and betas etc. to hear different opinions, y'know?

But yeah the role modelling is happening: Efnisien's showing more and more tools in coping all the time! He's been growing them since the beginning of the fic. He's learned to communicate better. He's learned how to articulate what he wants and doesn't want more clearly. He's learned how to care more for others even if he often misses that he has the power to really hurt them. He's learned more (not less) confidence. He's having less (not more) trauma responses. He's learned how to trust in the people around him more, so he's starting to talk more about his experiences of gender. He's learned that what he went through was wrong, and is sharing more about the abuse he suffered.

These things would not be happening in a story where people weren't giving him the tools to cope with his life or weren't showing him ways to communicate differently.

The reason Efnisien talks more clearly and articulately now in the story, the reason he laughs more, cries more (which is more open/honest imho and healthier than repressing it), talks more, talks about his past more, expresses his opinion more is because Hillview has been equipping him with more tools to live a richer life pretty much as soon as they realised he's not going to just murder people at the drop of a hat.

In some ways they're showing more trust than our society would because like, attempted murder could land him in jail for a while in our society, y'know?

The reason they haven't paired him with an actual psychologist is that they don't have any peak alpha psychologists and Efnisien can use alpha persuasion on anyone else, and would certainly get angry enough in therapy to use it. We only need to look at how Efnisien responded to Dr Gary in Falling Falling Stars sometimes in therapy sessions to see that yes, this is a guy who - if he had the tool of alpha persuasion - would absolutely use it to get a therapist to shut the fuck up when he felt like it, lol.

But yeah, as always, if folks are feeling really uncomfortable when reading something I've written, it's often intentional. You're right, Efnisien's situation is unfair. A few of the specifics you've brought up aren't true, and have missed things in the story, but it's still not a fair experience, it's not always a pleasant experience, and it's...pretty dystopian!

When we get really deep into our emotional connection to a character, it can still help to remember that the situation often isn't exactly the same as it feels. But this story also has the tags: darkfic / disturbing themes / dystopian universe for a reason! The visceral discomfort is a feature, not a bug.

[not-poignant]

Birthday Spotlight - Caleb Crawford

[9th April - Aries]

(Note, some of this information hasn't yet been posted on AO3, but has been written into Underline the Red!)

Caleb Crawford, an Indian-Australian alpha who works at Hillview as an alpha companion, is known for being the alpha that blows beta Faber Castle's mind during an ill-negotiated one-night-stand sex marathon that ends with Faber sore from overuse with a bad case of unrequited love, and Caleb uncertain why Faber rejected his offer to see each other again.

Caleb is a bold, well-educated, intense, and occasionally overbearing with his partners. He is most respectful to omegas and alphas, and displays some beta bigotry which is common among alphas and omegas in particular.

'I don't think you should be alone today. Just saying, when someone dicks you down as well as I just did, maybe someone should be looking out for you.'

Underline the Red

Underline the Black - Caleb first appeared as one of the alpha companions who is supervised by Dr Gary Konowalous. We first meet him via a supervision session between the two of them, and then later again when they share a conversation about his omega, Lucien, being ready to graduate, and Caleb admitting it will take some time for him to recover from the bond being broken.

Underline the Red - Also his main appearance, Caleb steals Faber's heart after a one night stand. They don't talk nearly enough, so Faber doesn't know that Caleb's doing an interview at Hillview to become a companion until the following day, at which point his heart is broken, and Caleb is shocked and horrified.

Over time, Caleb proves himself to be a competent omega companion who is still pursuing his PhD on Omega Studies, and despite Faber's best efforts, they keep being drawn into each other's orbits, time not soothing any wounds between them.

Small for an alpha, Caleb is Efnisien's height. He has medium-brown skin, and straight dark brown hair worn in a quiff. His hair is well-maintained and styled, and he cares a great deal for fashion. He has sharp, golden eyes, and wears thin gold-rimmed glasses, as well as button-up shirts and business shirts. He likes wearing bright colours with a dark ensemble.

30 years old.

Caleb's scent is earthy and clove-like, with glittery spikes that feel almost like poprocks.

It's joked that Caleb is arrogant enough and bold enough to be more like a peak alpha than an alpha.

Unlike many of other, softer-natured alphas at Hillview, Caleb is uniquely suited to a specific kind of jealous or possessive omega that is often at risk of murdering other omegas out of jealousy. As a result his cottage is kept more separate than the average cottage, to keep his omegas as far from other omegas as possible.

Caleb learns the skill of domestic discipline to deal with his latest omega, Lucien Beaumont, and ends up in the world of BDSM as a result.

Definitely most memorable for absolutely destroying Faber's ass and being cheerfully confident about it in a sex marathon that ends in Faber falling in love and Caleb developing enough feelings to be willing to not go to the Hillview interview to keep seeing Faber.

While it hasn't been mentioned yet, Caleb cares about fashion so much that he knew who Alois Flitmouse was before anyone else at Hillview, because he knew of his fashion and clothing and role as a Perth fashion icon.

Caleb's father is a well-known secondary gender-sex academic, and Caleb initially wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father and become a professor. He landed in Omega Studies and decided to interview for Hillview after a tour of the facilities for his doctorate. He paused his PhD as a result, and often continues to work on his PhD between omegas.

Despite Caleb's bold, arrogant, and sometimes crass nature, he is extremely thoughtful, calculating, and insightful. He often sees far more than he lets on, and he has one night stands to relax his over-active, busy mind.

I was always scared that Caleb and Faber wouldn't be strong enough to carry their own narrative, and started writing Underline the Red really scared of how it would turn out. As I wrote it though, I realised these two were a powderkeg that were ready to ignite over and over again. I can't wait for the journey these two are on. In some ways, it will be much bigger than the other journeys. For a start, some of the story will take place in another country!

You're the best thing in this town and you don't even live here. Maybe we'll see each other again one day.

Underline the Red

[not-poignant]

If that's how much Gary loses it with just efnisien's sub-larentins, how does Augus handle being with omegas in full heat all the time? Or is Augus just more accustomed to it and is just like Gary this so embarrassing for you 🤭 one whiff of larentin and you can't make sentences 🤭

OR is it with an omega in heat and a peak alpha that's its just. Full animal going at it from both of them?

It's definitely not just the sub-larentins! Efnisien wasn't even in heat, and we've seen Gary react to Efnisien in (a partial) heat and he wasn't out of control, but he did grow increasingly uh, invested, or maybe aroused by Efnisien the more time he spent with him, and the more he came to interact with him sensually/sexually.

Gary's not attracted to omegas, and he can suppress his reaction to omegas when they're in heat. We also know that he can have this intense reaction to alphas, which is why James only agreed to having penetrative sex with him less than a handful of times a year. So it's definitely not just a 'sub-larentin' thing, though I think that played into why things lasted so long, Gary could always go into that feral headspace because he literally warns Efnisien over and over again what he's like, because of his experience with alphas. Which is important to remember! Gary hasn't been that intense before, but that doesn't mean he isn't intense, because that's what he's been trying to prepare Efnisien for mentally for some time, from the size training, to other things, to kind of give him a 'hey, don't fuck around with peak alphas, I mean it' heads up.

But Gary didn't know that he could fuck for three days straight, and that's where I think the sub-larentins had a partial (but definitely not full) influence.

how does Augus handle being with omegas in full heat all the time?

Most peak alphas (including Gary) don't react to omegas in heat the way most alphas do. Most peak alphas aren't attracted to omegas at all (in fact many aren't attracted to anyone, they're attracted to power), so Augus doesn't have the same issues that some alphas do if an omega goes into heat (he has other issues, but that's a whole other thing).

Tbh in this world it'd be more like 'that's embarrassing for Augus' re: how he's able to be so in control all the time. He's considered on the weaker end of the peak alpha perspective. (If Temsen and Gary are at a 90/100, Augus is at a 20/100 for power, lmao, kind of like of the alphas, Janusz is on the lower end and Caleb is on the higher for power).

Augus is very good at sublimating his instincts into BDSM, but he's really quite atypical and is the only peak alpha companion in the world because of it. A meaner peak alpha would probably call that a skill issue, lmao.

But we also haven't seen Augus with an omega during their heat. We don't know how he's affected. We can't draw any conclusions about it, especially since alphas are meant to fuck omegas for days without stopping during a heat, because that's like...part of the responsibility of taking care of an omega. So if he can do that and is invested in doing that, he's just being normal.

But yeah no, Efnisien wasn't in heat! He wasn't making more sub-larentins than normal. So whole 'one whiff of larentin' isn't why Gary couldn't make sentences. That had nothing to do with it. Gary was like this before with alphas who don't make sub-larentins. It was the length/intensity on top of everything he doesn't expect, but he memory loss, the lack of ability to form sentences etc. that's all normal for him. That's peak alphas being in the haze of utterly destroying/dominating someone, and that is something they very much enjoy (if they're attracted to anyone at all) with alphas.

OR is it with an omega in heat and a peak alpha that's its just.

Efnisien was never in heat for this! Efnisien wasn't in heat, didn't "need" sex, wasn't producing more hormones for sex. He was just, in that moment, a regular alpha who was curious about having penetrative sex for the first time.

We can see Gary's reaction at least to a partial heat earlier in the story, and it's very different, so we know he doesn't lose control of himself / and can still make full sentences when Efnisien's in that state.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from today's writing, chapter 80 of Underline the Black:

'Flitmouse,' Anton hissed in the background.  'No! This is something that has to be talked about! I'm sorry, but this isn't something we all get to tiptoe around until that young boy is a mess. It's something that should have been talked about from the beginning! Isn't that what you'd do for him if he was an omega? And isn't he biologically sharing at least some of the functions that omegas have? Gary, he's not just an alpha, I said that before. Everyone here thinks it's so hard to be an omega, and I've seen for myself that it can be quite difficult to be an alpha too. Well, he's both, and something else besides, and you'd best be taking all of that into account. Because otherwise Efnisien will get his rape trauma from Hillview.' 'Flitmouse, you can't just- Gary's not-' Anton cut in. '-I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' Flitmouse said quickly. 'I'm sorry, my darling. I am. I've been in agony over this, thinking about it, and I wish I didn't have to say any of this. Truly I wish that. But my love, you cannot say Gary's not a rapist, because you've never seen him with anyone. I don't think he is, but you have to admit that peak alphas carry an intensity with them that the whole world knows of. And all of that, right now, is pointed in the direction of someone who has spoken to less than ten people on his own in his entire life. All right, maybe more if we include his family, some nurses, but what capacity does he have to handle what's coming?' 'I think you're right to bring up these concerns,' Gary said heavily. 

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from chapter 82 of Underline the Black:

‘Can we take photos of the beach?’ Efnisien said. ‘We can take photos of just about anything you want. Do you want to try driving somewhere, one day, and taking photos of that place too?’ ‘It’s like my own maps app,’ Efnisien said with excitement. Gary’s lungs hurt. He reached for Efnisien, fully aware he was pulling him close to console himself more than he was doing it for the boy’s sake. ‘What?’ Efnisien said. ‘It’s another one of those moments I’m afraid,’ Gary said, folding Efnisien into his chest and taking a deep breath. ‘But I’m happy,’ Efnisien said. Gary’s eyes squeezed shut.

[not-poignant]

Hi! I've spent this whole week binge-reading all of the Underline the Rainbow series and I'm obsessed. Thank You for creating this incredible world!

Sorry if these are questions you've answered before somewhere but I'm really curious about female Omegas and Alphas, especially in relation to Hillview's sister-site that was mentioned briefly.

Firstly, seeing as knotting and penetration are a big part of how Omegas manage heats, does this mean that female Alphas aren't able to consummate heats effectively? (If so, I imagine this would be a big source of insecurity for female Alphas who are attracted to Omegas!) Are female Alphas still able to create claim bonds?

I was also wondering what the reasoning is between having the different sites be segregated by primary sex in this way. Why was the decision made to have a separate sister-site specifically for female Omegas instead of having Hillview accept all Omegas regardless of primary sex?

Hallooooo!

I'm so so glad you're enjoying the series! :D

So, when it comes to women alphas and alphas who have uteruses, I am actually undecided on if they also have pseudococks or not at this point, but we do know from the worldbuilding that we absolutely don't need knotting or penetration to actually solve a heat.

The thing that matters most is an alpha's pheromones - and this is actually seen literally within Underline the Black, when Gary's closeness, his saliva, his pheromones, are the thing that resolves Efnisien's agonising, corrupted heat. So we've seen 'don't need knotting or penetration to solve a heat' actually play out within the story.

Temsen makes it very clear that if Gary had provided solid closeness, touch, and intervention earlier, Efnisien would never have needed to go through so much pain.

We also see in Underline the Blue that where Nate assumes he'll need a lot more penetration and knotting to get through his heat, Janusz demonstrates that a lot of the time he just needs closeness and pheromones, towards the end getting Nate to scent him, which calms him down better than a knot and actually finishes his heat much faster. So while the knotting in that circumstance absolutely helped, it was the pheromones that soothed and ended the heat the fastest.

In fact Nate will have to unlearn the idea that 'lots of penetrative sex and knotting' is what solves a heat, this is what Christian brainwashed him to believe. Janusz is already demonstrating that closeness, genuine intimacy, trust and safety, and the right pheromones, go a really long way to making heats pass as smoothly as possible. (The semen helps a lot, but that can be ingested, and applies in other ways, and likewise, alpha women secretions can be the same).

I'm certain that when it comes to most f/f pairings etc. the same thing applies regardless of what's going on between their legs (it is common in many omegaverse stories for women alphas to also have cocks or pseudococks and knots / pseudoknots. Since this isn't relevant at all for me in Underline I've never really sat down and kind of made it official either way, but we do know that all alphas can resolve a heat for an omega without knotting/penetration. I'm pretty certain women alphas / alphas with uteruses have zero insecurities re: bonding with omegas, or helping them through their heats. They'd have more insecurity over the fact that it's extremely hard for them to get pregnant.

In fact, if resolving a heat was as easy as knotting/penetration and had nothing to do with pheromones, omegas could resolve their own heats without needing alphas at all, and they could just use sex toys and knotting dildos, and this world doesn't work that way. Though other omegaverse worlds do.)

Are female Alphas still able to create claim bonds?

Women alphas and alphas with uteruses have literally no reason why they couldn't! It has nothing to do with genitalia and everything to do with alpha pheromones, just being alphas means they have the right pheromones to create claim bonds.

I was also wondering what the reasoning is between having the different sites be segregated by primary sex in this way.

In a word: Pregnancy.

Alphas and omegas are hyperfertile with one another. It's pregnancy. The risk is just too high. There are no ORFs on the planet - both the decent ones and the dystopian ones, that allow for mixed sex pairings because the pregnancy risk is just too high. Condoms aren't built to handle like...the semen load / repeated knotting etc. and have an extremely high fail rate and there's no contraception that works reliably for omegas in general (this is actually also why many alpha/omega pairings are same sex in general).

But yeah it's not very professional to send your partner to a rehabilitation facility and then have them get repeatedly pregnant while there, so instead all ORFs deal with the pregnancy risk this way instead, and that way there's absolutely zero risk of this happening. This is also why all the other attending staff at Hillview who are alphas are also male (like Temsen and Dr Gary), to completely erase the risk. (They don't worry about betas because they just...don't, lmao (that's good old beta bigotry)).

I hope that helps :D