#terrible original song will definitely be crossed off btw i just need to let them marinate in my head so i can despise them more

[shuffleoflove]

won't be able to finish season 4 until tomorrow at the earliest so here's the current state of my bingo card

[highfunctioningflailgirl]

My Lethal White episode 1 recap

After having had a lot of fun recapping episode 2, I went back and did episode 1 as well. It got a bit out of hand and is a loooong post...

Under the cut, because, evidently, there will be ALL THE SPOILERS! 🚨

*SQUEEEEE!!!* THEY’RE BACK!!! 🤗💃🏻🙌🏼  (Yes, I’m still squeeing, although this is a rewatch)

Let’s look at the title sequence, shall we? They’ve added a few new details: There’s the wooden cross from the dell, the White Horse of Uffington and Robin’s Houses of Parliament guest pass. The child from Billy’s memories and the pink blanket. Someone’s already mentioned the ‘whore’ swirling in the coffee cup, and then later we have a fencing icon in the pint. Cool hints. 😎

Cut to tired, head-achy Cormoran at the wedding. Strike has a slightly different haircut, and I wonder: they dye Tom’s hair darker for the role, but he has a glint of natural first grey at the temples that I’ve seen on Tom pre-Strike. How did they keep that? (Sorry about the hair kink digression…☺️)

Pet peeve of mine they carried over from Career of Evil: in the book, Donald Laing slashes Strike’s palm, but it didn’t happen in the series. There was no blood on his hand when he called Robin, and his glove was intact. And yet, Strike has his hand bandaged. I know it’s a silly pet peeve of mine, but stuff like that pulls me out of the moment. And Strike wouldn’t slap on a bandage just for a little bruising. *steps off soap box*

“You look beautiful.” - “And you look terrible.” - “It’s this jacket, needs taking in.” 😂

“I want you back.” - “What?” Augh, the double meaning of it all, Strike’s softness and Robin’s initial uncertainty of what he means. 🥺

When she realizes that Matt deleted Strike’s messages, there’s a tear spilling from her eye, and she quickly wipes it away. 😢 Such good acting. Such a brave girl.

A few of us have already addressed this in the chat: did Matt BLOCK Strike, or delete his calls and messages? Or both? They’re frustratingly unclear about this detail, and it makes a difference in terms of Strike being able to reach her or not. (I’m a continuity nerd, sorry)

Sarah standing next to Matthew. *gags*

Robin looks so beautiful! And so very sad. (Holliday is acting her heart out of this season, can’t say it enough). This is award material, hands-down. 🏆

Her look across the room at Cormoran while they’re eating! And he’s… just been staring at her all through the meal? Good god. These two.

If Cormoran falls asleep before dessert he’s got to be really, REALLY tired.☺️ Poor baby.

We’ve got to work on your fine dining skills, Cormoran darling! It’s very cowboy and rugged, handling cutlery like that, but you would SINK during an aristocracy under-cover op. Maybe the Comte de la Fère is available for a lesson?

The first chords of The Calling’s “Wherever you will go”. Ack. They really went for the original, and as someone who’s always been ridiculously in love with that cheesy song, I AM HERE FOR IT.

Cormoran walking slow-mo past the bridesmaids, looking at Robin dancing with Matt The Twat. My heart…💔

When I’m gone you’ll need love to light the shadows on your face… *sniff*

Cormoran’s FACE during the dance. I can’t. He looks like a puppy about to get shot. 🥺

(and what a juxtaposition to the little lady with the funny hat bobbing happily next to him, to everyone looking awww and being completely ignorant of the drama that’s playing out. Ugh. I’m dead.)

Matthew moves like someone who’s (painstakingly) learned exactly one (1) dance, and for their wedding only, and why is he even smiling so proudly? They must’ve just had the biggest row in history? Is he really so full of himself?

Even Robin is smiling, although staring longingly at Strike. I bet they did that so Strike would be a little mad at her and want to walk away.

AND HE DOES! 😟 You can just see the “Fuck this” from the book crossing his face as he turns around and leaves. Ack. I’m dead again.

If I could then I would, I’ll go wherever you will go

(Perfectly placed, kudos) 👏🏼

And she runs after him, looking like a fairy-tale princess. Did you see how frigging COLD it must’ve been, judging by her breath?! Poor Holliday must have been freezing to death during the shoot. And then to pull off such a heartbreaking scene…

(Also, the lawn in the park? A shitload of rolled sods. No grass looks this lusciously green in winter, and you can see the edges everywhere. Some landscaper had a field day there!)

“Are you sure?” - “Yeah. I am.” About WHAT, you idiots?! *wrings hands* To her coming back to work, of course, but there’s so much more to their statements. And I’m sure that non-book-readers thought they were about to kiss and elope, but - alas! - we know that’s not going to happen.😔

But at least we get The Hug™️, and it’s everything we hoped for: Robin crying, digging her fingers into his jacket; Cormoran closing his eyes… God help us, we are all DOOMED sailing this ship! 🙈💔

I was a little miffed upon first watching that they faded out of that hug so quickly. That was it? No, it wasn’t, as we now know, and I love, love, love that we’re getting all these extended flashbacks that reveal more and more of what happened to us!

ONE BLOODY YEAR LATER (I still can’t get over that time jump)

Lol at the subcontractor crashing his moped into the cab! It was only briefly mentioned in the book, and turning it into an actual dialogue was a fun idea.😂

And there’s Denise (that IS her, right?), completely uninterested in doing her job. Good grief - Strike and Robin are BAD a picking employees! 🙈

Robin looking not-jealous-at-all at Strike walking off with Lorelei. Ouch.

I like Lorelei, btw. They chose the actress well, and she’s nice and mature. Which doesn’t mean that I’m not secretly flinching every time she kisses Cormoran. It’s just not right.

Billy. Joseph Quinn does an incredible job playing him. 👏🏼 As dangerous as he appears at first, his despair and his efforts at holding himself together are heartbreaking. That battle he wages against his mental illness is on full display, and his scared big eyes are killing me. 🥺

Cormoran is admirably unfazed by Billy’s appearance - is that his Army training kicking in? Robin, though, is shaking but braving it out, recording with her phone although her hands are trembling. Good acting by Holliday.

Good riddance, Denise.

The good ole’ pencil trick. “I didn’t know people still did this.” 😌

I was surprised that Cormoran chose to simply break into the house on Charlemont road. It’s breaking and entering for no good reason. Could’ve been anybody’s home.

He’s not going to- EWW! He’s sitting down on that filthy couch. And plucking hairs from it. EWW!🤢

Robin: “...and some porn.” 😂 Says it as if it’s what they always find. The usual. Men… 🙄

Who’s the guy taking pictures of Cormoran? I seriously don’t remember this from the b- Oh, WAIT! Reporter guy. Patterson. Yeah. Him.

The CORE members are as cliché in their looks as are Chiswell’s upper class folks. It’s all a bit on the nose for my taste, but then clichés are clichés for a reason.

Cormoran needs to work on his disguises. Not fitting in at all with the CORE crowd, age-wise or in his look. No wonder they don’t trust him. He does it better in the books.

Oh Robin. I actually think you need a lot more therapy to work through your shit.

Ah, here we go. Seaborn bacteria. But first, Matt’s got to be a prick again. 🙄

Chiswell with his arrogance and his rudeness and his finger-snapping. *shakes head* I think if Cormoran hadn’t known he could make some serious money with this case, he may have walked out on him.

Btw, the “large” jacket is making Strike look slimmer instead of bigger. 😄 They’re so desperately mentioning Strike’s largeness, as if beating it over our heads could actually make us not see barely-6-foot and slender Tom Burke.

“Couple more potatoes wouldn’t hurt.” And his FACE! 🥰

Glenister is a really good actor. I always listen to the Strike audiobooks that he narrates, and I was worried hearing his voice in the show would be confusing, but it’s not because he sounds so different. Can’t wait for him reading “Troubled Blood” to me! 🎧

Is it a coincidence that Drummond’s art gallery has a painting of a horse in its front window? I think not.

I love that soft blue shirt they put Cormoran in. Makes him look very huggable. *blushes*

“Not sure I would make a convincing goddaughter either.”😂

So in England you can just walk up to a minister’s house and ring the doorbell without any security people stopping you? Interesting.

Chiswell just shutting the door in Cormoran’s face. RUDE.😠

The brown contact lenses. 👀 Okay, they make her look different, but not THAT different. It’s her sudden posh accent that’s the real stunner.

The panic attacks. Holliday plays them so well, I almost feel like I can’t breathe myself. 😧

I was expecting the Houses of Parliament to look a little less like a stuffy basement full of old junk. *ducks*

Barclay! Definitely looking more attractive than his description in the book. And I thought I’d gotten food at understanding Scottish. I haven’t. *turns subtitles on*

Izzy is the only Chiswell offspring who doesn’t make me want to immediately vomit.

“Venetia. Like the blinds.” Oh God. 🙈

Winn is such a creep. 🤮 Poor Robin. GET AWAY FROM HER YOU LEECH!

Of course Matt doesn’t want Robin to wear the Green Dress. Twat.🙄

The house warming party. I always wonder why Robin doesn’t have friends of her own. I have a feeling Matt has something to do with that.

The earrings. So we will see Robin finding out Matt’s cheating on her! I can’t wait for her to rip him a new one! 😈

Robin calls Cormoran - and it’s not Coco but Lorelei who picks up. That’s a smart change from the book. And it makes her the rebound girl. Which she doesn’t deserve, but it is what it is.

“And she bakes.” 🥴 Is it just me wondering how Lorelei got that cake into the tin without ruining the icing?!

Flashback to The Hug™️. God, their faces are so close. Cormoran is so soft. Nnnnhhhggggg.

Enter the plaid shirt. Lumber!Cormoran is a good look on him! 😍

The Armchair of Sadness™️. Of course that’s where the devastating phone call to Robin’s house happens! The disbelief and disappointment on Cormoran’s face is heart rending. 😢💔

@lulacat3 and I have already established the continuity error with Cormoran’s facial injuries suddenly missing when he’s reached the pub. (And they should still be there; he’s still wearing the plaid shirt from that same evening.) If I were the makeup person I would have been deeply regretful of having missed dabbing fake injuries on Tom’s face again.

The Uffington Horse. Robin’s in appropriate Wellingtons, weather jacket and a beanie for their outing. Cormoran is wearing what he always wears, and Tom clearly wishes he had a beanie. At least he gets to wear a t-shirt under his eternally blue shirts this season. REVOLUTION! 😄

Sure. Let’s just go and dig for a corpse with a shovel so conveniently available! Just the two of them - one delicate Robin and one invalid. And then Robin finds the bones after ten seconds of digging. No further comment. 🙄

But I like the change with Cormoran’s leg. As stupidly heroic as he acted in the book, I like it better in the show where he has to acknowledge his handicap and Robin takes charge.

The bones. Dun-dun-DUN!

(Good first episode, although all in all the pacing wasn’t quite right yet, and compared to the book it all felt a bit rushed. I liked episode two better.)

[newgeekcity]

New Geek City is Live Blogging MST3k The Return

Once a upon a time there was a bored kid. He just moved to a new place where he didn’t know anyone. Hair was coming in weird places. His face looked like it came from a rare Garbage Pail Kid card.

Other things were changing for the kid, namely his tastes. To him everything started to be so childlike. His books, Full House, even Saturday morning cartoons. There wasn’t anything that really appealed to him anymore.

Except for Batman the Animated Series, that was still awesome.

So one day while trying to avoid the Smurfs or some shit, the kid flipped on Comedy Central. Gamera was on. Everything sucked, but he wasn’t too big for Toho movie monsters. 

Just look at it...

And see those guys on the bottom? They were cracking jokes, making astute observations. Then they would do silly musical numbers. It was the best, and for years after, no matter what, the kid would tune in to see what crazy schlock the boys of MST3k would do next.

And yeah yeah, the boy was me. Twist ending, M. Night Shyamalan style. Blah blah.

Since MST3k came into my life so early, sometimes I wonder where it started and I begin in the soup of neurons and my memories. Am I sarcastic and love terrible movies because it brings me back to my safe space? Or am I drawn to MST3k because I am sarcastic and I love 1960s Godzilla movies.

I don’t think there’s a real answer to that question. However, after a long long departure. MST3k is back and on Netflix... so lets dive into the first episode which is called... episode 1? Seriously guys? Way to be descriptive.

We got movie sign after the jump

00:00 - Hold on I need more coffee. 

00:00 - Alright, back. Lets see what’s up. I’m really curious about the opening. If I remember right the opening song was sung by Mike Nelson. So lets see how this stacks up. 

I’m not looking for a perfect recreation, but something in the same spirit.

1:39 - People? There’s other people in this universe? I thought there was like 10 tops in the entire world in the original series. Then there’s Wil fucking Wheaton. I don’t mind the people, but I do mind Wil Wheaton, that fucking guy. The DIY effects and models are really great though.

In what looks like the Gizmonic mission control, the staff are puppets. I love that.

Wait I know that lady... She’s Erin Gray. Colonel Deering from Buck Rogers. When I was 5 I wasn’t sure if I was going to marry her or Princess Leia. 

Hey it could have happened, I was a cute kid.

But seriously, Fuck. Wil. Wheaton. 

2:00 - I have to admit, I’m sort of liking Jonah. He has the same affable quality as Joel and Mike. 

4:30 - Gypsy could talk? Like for reals? Weird.

I also did like the opening sequence, a lot. Its different. It feels like that’s what the sequence should have been for the movie. But I really liked it. Great work Joel. 

8:00 - Invention exchange is back. Patton Oswalt is perfect as TV’s son of TV’s Frank. Although I was doubting Felicia Day, I have to admit she is charming here. 

The movie doors are different, you could tell they used a computer for this one. Not sure if I like that, But whatevs its minor. 

The bots voices are actually pretty good too. Crow sounds like Crow. Tom sort of sounds like Tom. I do have to get used to Jonah though.

9:00 - Its not skin, its beef. Just saying.

Delicious ground beef.

10:30 - Tom can fly! He can fly!!

13:15 - We have Super Dragon reference! Also one of the best MST3k songs 

14:00 - “You know an aquarium is just a pet store that doesn’t sell anything.” Made me lol.

14:41 - Gypsy showed up and made a quip. I already forgot what it was. I wonder if it’ll be a thing.

16:35 - I’m hoping the movie picks up. I doubt it because its MST3k. But they did a “commercial break” just now. They repeated the name of the movie and showed I guess would be the Deep 13 House Band. 

I think a skit would have worked better. Its not like they have to fit in actual commercials. But they’re probably trying to keep as close to the original format as possible.

18:30 - Scientist 1: “I envy that young man.”

Scientist 2: “He will be busy now.”

Me: Yeah with your daughters, you Dane weirdo.

20:00 - Who just keeps an electric eel in a tank in a hallway? Nothing is gonna go wrong there. Nothing at all....ARRRRRGHG 

22:00 - I’m having a really hard time picking up who’s speaking. Particularly with Tom / Jonah. 

But Jonah’s Monster Mash / Reptilicus cover was definitely out of the Joel Robinson playbook. 

25:00 - Can someone tell me if that Dane blonde, scientist daughter has a single daughter along the R line? And that wound looks like pudding. Just saying it looks like delicious reptile pudding.

27:00 - Ok the skit break is this kaiju monster rap. The bots, particularly crow are more animated. He’s able to move his arms around now.

The song itself is way different from the original series. Which I’m giving it a thumbs up. It fits well into the original ethos. Its catchy, fun. Its a good update. Nice work modern MST3k writers.

32:00 - One thing I’ve noticed is the actual filmic quality of the movie. In the old MST3k’s you could still see the scratches and dust, and the warping. It looks like that this is a restored film. 

Its not awful or really a distraction. But its just something I noticed as a long time fan.

35:00 - Dickweed. It makes me laugh every time.

36:00 - Of course the goofus stuck his hand in the electric eel tank. You know comedy. It had to happen. Like the sun rising, and the rain falling in the amazon.

38:00 - I wish netflix would have some way that it counts up instead of down. It would make my life easier here.

Another “commercial break” I was wrong, in the new series its Moon 13 and Patton Oswalt gave a fun fact about the doors. The house band is playing at the same time. Its very Svengoolie.

39:00 - Xanadu reference. Not sure how many youngin’s would get it. I barely do because my dad had a bootleg VHS tape. 

It was awful.

41:00 - I was about to say a lot of the jokes are falling flat, but when that scientist “screamed” and one of the guys dubbed it with Opera, that was brilliant. 

43:00 - I get that MST3k was never really about plot when it came to the host and bots. But they seemed to jump into the riffing really quick. I was expecting some sort of intro for Jonah, like he’d ask questions about why he’s there throughout the movie and the bots would fill him in and he’d grow into the host role. 

I think it would have added some sort of dimension to it. But I would get why they would just jump right into it. 

45:00 - Also I’d expect the Mads would show up more by now. Maybe in the next skit sequence?

47:00 - No Mads, but the cloning of Tom Servo in the “genesis tank that’s conveniently off camera” was real classic MST3k. 

So far, Jonah I would say earned his spot. He nailed it. 

Crow, yup classic Crow. 

Tom, well. He’s not awful. He’s funny but I just can’t get past the voice. Kevin Murphy really owned the character. I hope its just matter of getting used to it. Like when Kevin originally took over in Season 2 (I think) of MST3k.

51:00 - Hold on I need a gif of that.. give me a few minutes.

Ok, I couldn’t get a gif. I’ll have to check into that. BUT I did grab a screenshot.

Single handedly this is my most favorite special effect ever.

54:30 - Although another stray observation, when the people are in frame, the film is alright. Like no scratches (for the most part) but when the monster is up it looks like someone went through it with sandpaper. 

Which lazy bastard only did half a restoration?

55:00 - It feels like Tom should have had that ability to fly all along. His bottom always reminded me of a hovercraft.

56:00 - Yup the commercial breaks definitely is reminiscent of Svengoolie, Paton Oswalt should just show up on that set one day as TV’s Son of TV’s Frank. 

It would be some great cross promotion.

BTW, go watch Svengoolie. Its not as funny as MST3k, but it’s really charming and fun.

Occasionally they show a good movie. Which I guess defeats the point, but whatever.

60:00 - We’re about at the halfway point. So far, I will admit the new MST3k is... I don’t want to say a worthy successor but Joel Hodgson really did something special. This definitely feels in place with the originals. Almost like it never went away. 

I do want more Mads for this episode. Where are they?

62:00 - How did they get letters? This is like the first episode in almost 20 years. How many 8 year olds could sit still long enough to watch reruns? Aren’t they making methlabs and sexting? 

63:00 - Just a note, I know nothing about modern children.

71:00 - Have you ever wondered why Kaiju are impervious to tank shells? Think about it, they’re designed to punch through concrete, steel plating, etc. I don’t think they’d have a problem with reptile skin, prehistoric or otherwise.

74:00 - Another thing I noticed is that the guy and the bots are more animated compared to the originals. They’ll move around, fly by, bring in barrels to interact with the screen. 

I know the originals did similar, but it seems to be more frequent here. Its not unwelcome. Its actually nice.

77:00 - Another commercial break. Its a TV seal of quality with the Moon 13 house band. I’m still liking them.

Patton talked about how Kinga established some TV group, probably to make profit. 

Its not so much how the joke was clever, I just liked how they used that to add some background of the world of MST3k. Because we really don’t know much about it, besides the SOL and Deep 13 and such. 

I never thought it was missing, but now that I’ve seen some glimpses into the surrounding world I am interested in learning more. Does the world know about the Forresters? Have they always run in secret? Or they make their intentions known and the government is powerless to stop them. Who is the government there anyway?

Are they considered brilliant or total fuck ups? Are they part of something bigger? Like SMERSH or the illuminati or something?

78:00 - They’re freaking out about getting a gallon of some sort of lizard knock out drug. Do Danes know how much a gallon is? It’s not that much, if it was like an oil drum’s worth then you got problems.

80:00 - The gallon is really just a beaker. So I guess Danes don’t get the imperial system after all.

83:00 - Seriously the guy playing Crow is really good. If I close my eyes I’d have a hard time telling the difference between him and Trace Beaulieu.

Although I noticed the mouth movement on Crow isn’t as pronounced as it was in the originals. Its a little detail, but it went a long way in figuring out who was talking.

85:00 - Monster’s dead, yay I guess.

86:00 - “Push the button Max” doesn’t have the same cachet as “Push the button Frank.” But I’m glad they brought that back.

87:00 - The end credit song sounds like it was made with a real orchestra. It gives it some gravitas. Its rather lovely. 

88:00 - They’re repeating the monster rap. Not bad, still cute. 

89:00 - Wait, in the end credits, They gave the proper name for the Moon 13 House Band, they’re called “The Skeleton Crew.”

I like Moon 13 house band better.

90:00 - Nice touch--

And of course--

The end tag. Its nice to see some old standbys come back.

Final Thoughts - 

I suppose if you really wanted to you could say its worse or better than the originals. I guess its like how you wanted to fight over Joel vs Mike. 

They’re different. They had their own styles, and they were very funny in their own way. 

MST3k The Return is a lot like that. There’s enough elements of the originals that it feels familiar, but stylistically its been updated. I personally think its a good thing. 

With the bigger budget, and more modern delivery I feel a lot of the fun, DIY, anarchic, lo-fi qualities that was so mind blowing about the original show is very much here. 

I like the new cast, except for Wil Wheaton (fuck you Wesley Crusher), and I think they’re as charming and clever as the previous casts. Just... different.

So if you loved the originals as much as I did, I definitely think its worth binging with your kids. Personally I plan to make this a Saturday morning thing like I did way back when.

One last last thing. From what I saw of the preview for the next episode it looks like Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy are visiting. Hopefully Mike shows up too.

I. Can’t. Wait.

[impurelight]

Watch Dogs 2 - I Used To Be A Hacker Like You Until I Watched Arrow Season 3

I just beat Watch Dogs 2. And it’s fine. It’s not revolutionary like Watch Dogs 1. But it’s not a crappy [open world driving sim ](open world driving sim) with no story like GTA 5. It’s just in between.

So what’s new in Watch Dogs 2, you ask? A few more enemies, one of those ‘alternate view’ things that I hate, a bunch of side missions. But nothing really great. In fact I’d argue Watch Dogs 1 was the better game.

So let’s start with the story. This is the most disappointing aspect of Watch Dogs 2. For most of the game you’re doing these stupid missions that, quite frankly, feel more like expensive illegal pranks on companies. There’s just no staying power.

One mission tasks you to steal a robot? Why? So we can hack it. Why? Because we get followers on our app that basically turns people’s phones into a botnet. Yeah, doesn’t really make sense.

It does get better in the end where you actually feel like you’re doing something good but it’s just too little too late. Even the side missions are better than the main missions until very late into the game.

Also the game is quite frustrating. Not from a technical side, although I encountered many crashes playing the game. Sometimes it’ll play fine but sometimes it’ll crash every 10 minutes. Oh, and the game has it’s own blue screen I think. At least it doesn’t look like the Windows blue screen.

The difficulty is also a bit off. You might have seen Marcus’ flashy jump and his takedown. They’re very nice but they’re too slow. The take down in particular just takes ages to do. You know the one where he uses what everyone calls a yo-yo?

In the time to do one takedown it’s possible for Marcus to go from full health to zero health. Seriously it’s so annoying. You want to do a takedown because it’s fun and flashy but you know if you do one and another enemy is nearby you can die before the takedown is complete. Come on Marcus, why can’t you just stab enemies to death like a normal person?

So this is definitely not a stealth game. I know that the developers said you can play the entire game using stealth but this is incredibly frustrating due to the ‘one person sees you everyone sees you’ effect. Maybe if you used the stun gun the whole way through, but I didn’t do that.

The problem is the enemy ‘tagging’ system. Basically once the enemy sees you you’ll hear something like ‘sending description of the target’ and then your cover is completely blown. And it happens a lot. If you shoot a guy facing away from you? You’re tagged. If a dog sees you? You’re tagged. Seriously. Freaking dogs.

Also enemies have a tendency to respawn. I know right? Weird. Well it only really happens in later missions but it is so annoying. Once the only way to beat a mission was to spam the Jam Coms equivalent in this game and while everyone is stunned by their headsets waltz past them to the mission objective. It’s actually quite funny. But at the same time so so sad.

Couple this with infrequent checkpoints. As in checkpoints at the beginning of a building and maybe one near the end. And you don’t have enough health. Especially as there’s now heavily armoured guys in this game. And those things are cheap. They take like an entire clip to take down and unless you have some distance between you and them you’re going to die. And they’re actually quite common unfortunately. I believe there’s actually 3 enemy types: normal, armoured, and heavily armoured.

So let’s talk about some of the good stuff. This game has some striking similarities to [Far Cry Primal](Far Cry Primal). For one you can pet dogs and, my personal favourite, you can make enemies fight each other.

It’s not like in Primal where you throw a berserk bomb and all the enemies go crazy. But you can call in cops or gang members to arrest or kill your enemies respectively. Just don’t get caught up in the cross fire.

Speaking of the enemies their AI is pretty terrible. Why is it that only Splinter Cell can have remotely realistic AI? Anyways, it’s not always clear why enemies start attacking you. For cops if you hit their car with your car or do anything aggressive at all you’ll be wanted.

I actually once hacked a cop car to veer off a cliff because I was not sure I would be able to overtake it without hitting it. Yeah, so hacking a car to go over a cliff no consequence. Lightly tapping a cop car with your car? Instant wanted ranking.

Apparently the wanted system, oh and BTW gangs also have their own wanted system but it’s even less well implemented than Saint’s Row 3 as in gangs are so incompetent they’ll never send people after you, can activate before anyone sees you. And then when someone sees you they’ll suddenly start attacking you. It’s like they have this mental checklist of people they’re supposed to be attacking and check it every time they see anyone. It’s weird.

And the police in general are much more difficult to lose now. In the original Watch Dogs there were 101 ways to lose the cops such as riding the subway and going out to see. In this game cops are a much bigger problem. For one they’re now out at see. And there’s no reputation in this game so there’s no reason not to mow down waves of officers. In the original you never wanted to actually fight police because it would tank your reputation so hard but I did try once and the police are more aggressive in this game. Especially once armoured police officers start showing up. Well this game is much harder than the original.

Also I like how there’s a lot more music in this game. In the original there were like a few tracks that would just cycle over and over. In this game I don’t think I’ve ever heard a song repeat which is nice.

Well, those are all the good things. Now I guess the new alternate view is worth discussing. It’s just so… unnecessary. Basically when you hit a key you can see any hackable object through walls… and everything turns blue.

I like how it’s focused only on combat. You actually can’t use it while driving. But seriously? You couldn’t think of a better way to identify things to hack? And it’s not like the system from Watch Dogs 1 was broken or anything.

Oh, I should probably mention the hacking is basically the same from 1 except some objects have different options. Like exploding things can now be set for proximity detonation, attract people to them, set them as mines or shut them down temporarily. You can also hack cars and make them move. My new favorite way to kill someone in a video game is hacking a car to drive into them. So fun. The forklifts and ‘rc vehicles’ are a little different though. Instead of having a few canned movements you can control them as if you’re actually driving them (so the WASD keys). And you can’t kill people with them, unfortunately.

Also the cool hacking things you can do in this game? They’re mostly locked behind skills. The one thing I didn’t like about the original Watch Dogs was unless you had the ‘burst pipe’ skill enemy pursuits are incredibly annoying. Unfortunately it looks like all the cool stuff here is once again locked behind upgrades. To add insult to injury now some of the cooler skills need you to find a collectable item to find. Most people are not going to get these items and sadly will not experience the joy that is dropping IEDs from your drone.

So how’s the dialog. It’s OK. I mean the immature stuff doesn’t bother me. Nerdy people are incredibly immature surprisingly so I’m sort of used to it. What bothers me is the tech dialog.

I took a computer security class last term so I know a little about computer security. So I think I’m qualified to say the technical dialogue here is atrocious. Once I heard a character say something like ‘I’ll just set up a man in the middle attack’. And I was like ‘that line tells me absolutely nothing’. I mean it sounds good. A man in the middle attack. Which sounds nice but once you know what that actually is the line makes no sense. There’s no way a hacker would be like ‘How do we hack into this?’ ‘oh, we just do a man in the middle attack’. Well, maybe if your hacker friend wasn’t good socially. Which would be likely… ok, fine. I take that back.

Another really big problem I had is the escape button. When you press it, it gets you out of the conversation. It is also used to get out of pretty much every menu. And unfortunately when you use it to get out of a menu while someone is talking to you over the radio it’ll exit that conversation.

And the mission tracking is terrible. It’ll make one of those pretty paths of arrows on the ground but it’ll only do it for the first part of each mission. If you need to go to more than one place during a mission location, for oh I don’t know, basically every quest in the game no arrow to the destination. Just have to follow a vague minimap that points you in the general direction. But wait, it gets worse. Let’s say you want a trail of arrows to follow. You open your minimap and place a waypoint on your destination. But for some inexplicable reason when you left click the location it takes you to the mission screen. You have to right click it to place a waypoint. Why? Did anyone even test this? It makes no sense and Ubisoft should be ashamed of the lack of quality here.

Finally I’d like to talk about the things the devs promised. Watch Dogs 1, and to a lesser extent every other Ubisoft game, has fallen victim to people disliking it solely because it was marketed at having better graphics/gameplay/whatever than it actually has. I sort of - no actually I don’t care about these kind of complaints. I think it’s just a way for people to justify why they don’t like a game. But this is worth discussing as I have been hyped for this game since it was announced.

I’ve already talked about the stealth. It’s not that great. Or maybe I just suck at it, I don’t know. The devs talked about how the world is unpredictable and how anything can happened. I just saw a lot of people get arrested for no reason. Oh, and people randomly getting mad at me. But I just shoot them and laugh at myself.

And the driving. It’s… OK. In the original Watch Dogs some cars just drove perfectly and some cars just drove terribly. In this game every car is like at 90%. They do what you want them to do but they have this weird thing that happens if you try to turn too sharply. So is this what passes for good driving mechanics these days? Guess so.

In Watch Dogs 2 it feels like the devs actually listened to the fans. And when the fans speak louder than the devs that’s the worst thing that can possibly happen. Fans always want some feature or scenario because it was in Overrated-Open-World-Unlikeable-Protagonist-Game #48 or maybe it was in a good game but porting over a single feature without looking at the game as a whole or considering if that feature even fit. The point is fans are stupid. I remember someone wanting the ending of Life is Strange to go all over the town saving every single person from he tornado. Seriously? Seriously?

I feel like Watch Dogs 2 went down this path as well. Every possible thing you could dislike from Watch Dogs 1 was addressed, well except for the skills grrr. And so Watch Dogs 2 just feels generic. It feels bland. It feels… or it doesn’t feel like Watch Dogs.