#telling u that u can teach like i hadnt ever fucking thought of it

[uuuvas]

Like, what do normal people do when their bank is in the negatives twice a month for car bills, you've been consistently applying and interviewing places that you have multiple people on the inside putting a good word in for me, and haven't sold more than $10 worth of my art in 4 months. What is the next step.

[completelypissed-blog]

Never again will i ever never be me

All my post were about a year or two into the relationship. You can see that I was insecure and unsure how to really take his actions was i wrong to think a certain way was I closed minded because I had never been in a relationship before this. I dont remember it being that harsh in the beggining and maybe thats because it got worse. I pretty much lived with him I never went home. We did everything together and I loved him so much and I thought he loved me and maybe he thought so to but it was a lie. Little things i did would piss him off to the point where he would ignore me completely. He started calling me stupid and useless. Sometimes he would ignore me for days. The worst part is he would play on my insecurities he would make me feel like I was just screwing up all the time when in reality it just wasnt the way he wanted it done. I tried to tell him how i felt but he said it didnt matter that the point was i had made him mad and i had to make it up to him but the way he wanted me to would always change to the point where I felt like i was literally jumping through hoops as he whipped insult after insult at me. If i got mad he would become angry, if i didnt console him and get over my anger by myself at the same time he would threaten to leave. He kept putting everything on me to the point where i truly believed everything was my fault. He became unemployed i started paying for electricity and bills, food...etc. He started talking to a girl and when i got insecure he made me feel worse by saying i didnt trust him that i wouldnt let him have friends. So i let him talk to her even though my instincts told me he liked her and she liked him and one day when i went to work he fucked her that day i felt something was up the shower had been ran it made me feel suspicious then he wouldnt let me touch him saying he had masturbated and his dick was raw...i even had a nightmare where he fucked her and i walked in on them and he consoled me reasurring me that he wasnt intrested in her do left it and he continued to talk to her. He tried to break up with me and broke down and told me and i forgave him I stayed with him...so stupid really. I lost more money in the place we were staying and then due to complications and an eviction notice moved in with my parents. For a while things were great we hardly argued and he was tolerant of any mistake i made just like i was to him as usual. Then he started to ignore me became frustrated at the tiny things people shrug their shoulders at. Expected me to sweep him off his feet everytime he became upset while he hypocritically shoved off my own feelings. I was all about him to the point of even though i lived with my parents i hardly saw them. I spent all my money on him I took him anywhere he wanted to go i cooked when he worked loved on him while he played video games it was never enough. He always said I never showed enough effort. When ever i tried to tell my side of an arguement he called it an excuse and a waste of time. Soon I had to change and he insisted i had to...he never looked in the mirror never wanted to hear my problems with him or things he did wrong only i had to change for him. He would belittle me to try to get me to change ignore me to teach me a lesson and at a few times used the chick he fucked to get inside my head and prey upon my insecurities. I tried to break up he came back and i still loved him. He tried to humiliate me in front of my family which outraged them and for awhile due to them lecturing him we were ok but apparently he wasnt satisfied. He just wanted to appease my parents he still wanted me to change and still refused to think about how he was treating me. I was walking on glass i had lost my confidence i just didnt want to make him angry mu goal everyday was just to have a good one and i never succeded once. Break and egg wrong, look at him a certain way, not apologize correctly there was always something. It got to the point where he admitted he was trying to fix me like i was broken...still i showed no effort in his eyes, and wasting time became his biggest pet peeve. Especially when it came to me trying to explain myself instead of making it up to him in the exact way he wanted me to. He tried texting the girl he fucked just nonchalantly and i became upset but he couldnt wrap his head around why why i wouldnt want him talking to the girl he had stabbed me in the back with. Made me feel bad like i should trust him and be ok with it that i was being closed minded. He didnt understand or didnt care. By now hed had a job amd had quit again he lasted almost two months then i was taking care of him againwhich i didnt mind i loved him. We went camping i was extremely excited it was a family tradition and i had been wanting to experience with him. Worst mistake of my relationship. He asked for a cig then because i dont like people smoking cigs he tried to love on me and didnt hear me when i said i loved him back. When he came back he wouldnt talk to me i cried and vegetated for almost the whole day. When i found out why he was being that way i tried to explain myself thinking if he knew he just hadnt heard me then he would get over it like i normal person...no he didnt believe me as tho i was some spiteful bitch bent on upsetting him and he didnt care excuses were a waste of time i had to make him feel better in the middle of the woods i didnt know what to do. He stayed mad then threatened to walk home if i didnt take him...like i was going to let him walk i had to tell my family we were leaving early after hardly spending anytime with them due to our fight...which to me was like saying fuck you to my entire family. I yelled at him the entire way home but he got what he wanted. He continued to be angry at me belittle me ignore me walk away from me and sometimes he would even mock my crying even when we went out with my mother something would go wrong and wed have a terrible time. I slowly became more and more frustrated and the onesidedness of it all...but i loved him. To him i just started to waste more time explaining things when i should be making him feel better. One day he made lentils and he wanted chips to dip and i didnt and emphasized that fact he proceded to throw chips into my soup and when i looked at him angrily because he had pretty much done the exact opposite of what i wanted something he complained so much about me doing he became mad himself and i had to get over the fact that he had pissed me off and kiss his ass. Which made me even more frustrated. Finally the day arrived we were making tuna sandwiches and i was growing more and more frustrated because he kept taking away the vegetables i was cutting because i wasnt doing it "right" i slowly became less enthused and quieter. Instead of acknowledging which to him is the first step in apologizing he became frustrated with me started asking me degradingly what the next step was and because i didnt know how he wanted it made i didnt know the answer he started to walk away i became panicked i had cracked the glass. I explained that i too was frustrated i wanted him to care he didnt he wanted me to get over it and console him feeling conflicted because i was angry myself and he didnt care i let him leave. He called me told me i was a selfish and stupid bitch going on and on insulting me telling me ge was thinking about leaving me over this shit...i began to cry i loved him he said i needed to figure out how to make it up to him he didnt care if i was upset as well. He mocked me for crying. All this time in the back of my head my past self is resurfacing going wtf and dont talk to me like that im not stupid this situation your ridiculous anger is stupid. So as he yelled at me again to figure it out or he would leave...i snapped i started shouting at the top of my lungs all the unfairness he started to tell me to shut up something he loved to do when i started voicing any opinion he didnt agree with at first i listened then i said fuck u i told him he needed to reflect on his own actions not only mine that he was a hyprocrite and selfish not only for not caring i was upset but also by walking away something i stopped doing for him cuz it upset him. I told him i wasnt stupid the fact that he gets angry over all these little things was ridiculous he as usual refused to listen. He said fine why be together at all and said it was over i repeatedly told him i loved him and i didnt want to end it like this he didnt care. He came got his stuff and left i texted him and called him probably 40 times pleading he come back because i loved him i didnt want to waste almost four years i missed him. And its sad because in two days i got over him in two days i became excited at all the things id get to do again now that i wasnt with him the freedom and happiness i felt now that i didnt have someone bearing down on me making me scared to make them angry or face a bad day. And the tuna sandwiches he made were disgusting. Im more myself in these few days then i had been in that entire 4 yr relationship.