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abyssal-ali · 2 years ago

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Yet Forgives the Butcher's Knife

It's finally here! Yet Forgives the Butcher's Knife is my submission for the Jaysteph Weekend 2022, filling the prompts "Do I Want to Know?", College, and the chaotic bonus the Trifecta of Trouble.

Disclaimer: This follows Canon events up to a point, but since DC has the inability to stick to one timeline or version of events without retconning it, I'm taking liberties with some plot points.

(Canon-complicit to a point)

Rating: T TW: non-graphic talk about death/torture

(Read the teaser first as the first scene picks up directly from there :))

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

“Okay, J. Are you trying to be a vigilante? I gotta warn you, it's brutal. It's actually why I'm here. My dad's a D-list rogue, Cluemaster, and I hated how he ruined my mom's and my life, so I became Spoiler, spoiling his plans. Batman didn't like me running around as a tween without his approval, even though I was older than, like, all the Robins.

“Anyways, I ignored him, he kinda accepted I was there to stay, I had a couple months internship with as Robin before he fired me, and I went back to being Spoiler, started a gang war by accident, got caught by an A-list rogue and tortured...I flatlined in Leslie's OR and she faked my permanent death and moved us here to teach Bats a lesson about his kids or something.

“So, now you know Steph Brown,” Steph laughed easily.

“Wow, that's, um, a lot to process. Are you okay? Seeing a therapist or something? That sounds like a trip.”

“Oh yeah, it was. I'm okay-ish now...I mean, your black helmet isn't really helping my PTSD, but they're pretty common and it's not blatantly skull-like so...I'm okay.”

“You got caught by Black Mask?”J's jaw dropped, though Steph couldn't see it. “And survi-I mean...”

Steph grinned at J's faux pas. “It's fine, I have dark humour—being a Gothamite, and from the Narrows at that, it's kinda a prerequisite.”

“You're a Narrows kid? You hide the accent well,” J commented in surprise.

“Thanks? You know another Narrows kid or somethin'?”

“Wasn't it speculated that Robin 2 was from the Narrows?” Jason deflected, hoping Steph would bite.

“Yeah, he was my favourite. Street kid, Narrows like me—we might even have been neighbours!--fought smart but dirty, and he understood us in a way Bats and the first Robin didn't...he cared about us, y'know? The others cared more about stopping crime than the victims—I mean, obviously the crime needed to stop so there wouldn't be more victims, but Robin 2 was one of us and could connect with us. Batman and Nightwing are strangers, practically. Once I was on my way home from stalking my dad and some creep was trailing me. I could tell, but Robin swung down and took 'im out before I was in danger, and then he followed me home...it was so sweet. I always had the biggest crush on him...I was so sad when I heard he died. He was one of ours, one of us...sometimes I wonder what he'd be like if he was alive.”

With a sigh Steph shook off the melancholy and turned to J. “Sorry for the infodump. So, J, thanks you for the assist. And don't become a vigilante for fun.”

“I won't. Thanks for livening my evening. I liked your right hook...but saw your form was off on a couple moves. Did Batman not train you? I thought all his little birdies had a Ph.D in karate or somethin'...”

“Well, I was never a true Robin. Barely got any training from the big guy. He didn't even let me know anyone's ID or anythin' cool—basically all I got was the suit and a ton of lectures, more than Spoiler ever got. What a prick,” she muttered.

“He sounds like a huge prick,” agreed J. “If you'd like...I could improve your skills a bit? I've had a few professional trainers myself...”

“Sure, I'd love to get some formal training for once! When and where?”

“I have a building in town. Are you free tomorrow?”

“Yeah, all day.”

“Be ready at 9 a.m., then. Night, Doll!” J left her on Leslie's doorstep and Steph went in to Leslie's worried questioning.

At 9:00 sharp J pulled up on a black motorcycle. Steph was waiting with a duffel and hopped on, driving to a nondescript warehouse-style building 15 minutes away from Leslie's. J walked to the door and went through fingerprint, retinal, and password locks. Finally J and Steph walked in to see an enormous gym, with mats, weights, ropes, a shooting range, archery range, pool, and various intense workout equipment.

J showed Steph to the bathroom and she changed into a tanktop and shorts before joining him in warmup stretches on the mats. “You're flexible,” J noted.

“Thanks— I took gymnastics lessons for 3 years before my dad got worse. I liked it and kept doing what I could...and that was one thing Batman helped with.”

For the next month J drastically improved Steph's form, skills, and stamina.

“How do you know all these skills? Do I want to know?” asked Steph one day during a water break.

“Can you keep a secret?” J asked, leaning in. Steph nodded. “I'm the second Robin.”

Steph stared at him, then started laughing. “Fine, then, keep your secrets.”

J stared back. “Fine. My mom has been training me for the past 3 years with various martial arts forms and weapons and some other fun stuff, like poisons and bombs and strategy. Happy?”

“You're serious,” Steph said flatly.

“Yes!”

“Huh. So...you're a ninja-in-training?”

“I am a ninja, but sure. I was just here to take care of a couple things for my mom when I met you.”

“You...stayed...here? For me?”

J nodded. “I really like you, Steph. A lot.”

“You like me too?”

J blinked. “You like me?”

Steph nodded emphatically. “Even if i still don't know if you're a 10 or not with that dramatic mask you always wear,” she joked.

“Will you go on a proper date with me, Stephanie Brown?”

“No.” J's face fell, but Steph continued, “I will join you in a spar and I will kick your butt one day.” She sat up and moved to the mats again. J laughed, “You're perfect.”

After their training session J walked Steph home as he always did. In sight of Leslie's, J paused and Steph turned to see why. He took her hand and took a breath. “My name is Jason. Jason al Ghul.”

Stephanie smiled at him. “Thank you for telling me, Jason. Jason...I like it. It suits you.”

~♡~

The next morning before their warm up began, Jason opened up to Steph. “Do you have time to hear my life story? It's depressing, at least for a non-Gothamite.”

“I'll always listen,” Steph said softly, taking his hands in hers. It always seemed to ground him and lately he'd started to do it unconsciously. Jason smiled at her and began.

“I'm a street kid from Crime Alley. My dad was a two-bit goon and my mom had a heroin addiction since she had cancer. She died when I was 8 and my dad was...gone, so I hit the streets. When I was 12, I was adopted by a wealthy man and I was actually safe—he was one of the few good ones. Sometimes we'd go back to Crime Alley to help my friends or the street kids. I had an older brother, but he was gone in Blüd most of the time. He didn't like me too much at first because our dad “replaced” him with me, but we'd started to get closer when he realized he was being a Dick.” Jason smiled at some joke Steph didn't get yet, then continued. “When I was 15, my dad and I got in a fight and I was grounded...I found my bio mom in Ethiopia and flew there to meet her. I thought she was blackmailed by Joker and tried to get her out, but she...she sold me out to him and smoked a cigarette as she watched him beat me half to death. Then he tied her up and left us in the warehouse with a bomb...I managed to get my mom free but I was caught in the explosion. I'm strong considering I'm from Crime Alley and the beating and bomb didn't finish me off," Jason smirked at that absolutely devastating tidbit. “The smoke and dust inhalation got me. I woke up in my coffin 6 feet underground and dug myself out with my belt buckle and left my fingernails in the dirt there. I wandered around, catatonic and relying on muscle memory for a few months until I started beating up some of my third mom's men and she came to see what the fuss was about. When my catatonia didn't lift, she put me in a pool of magic life juice, which healed me and upgraded my trauma to insanity and bloodlust. Once the Pit Madness settled, Mom sent me around the world, training with masters to become the best.

“I know it was partly to stall me, because my dad is her baby daddy and she doesn't want him dead, while I did. He never killed the Joker for me, for everyone else's safety, and I almost killed him and my brothers. Thankfully the Madness subsided, and while I'm still mad he didn't kill Joker, I'm not going to kill him over it. He won't kill, so I'll leave him alone and do it myself. I need a moniker for when I make the statement that I'm a better man than him, and since you don't like my black helmet, I'm thinking of stealing the clown's old name as a last laugh. So, could you stand a red helmet?”

Steph blinked. “Wow, your life is sadder than mine. Yeah, a red helmet wouldn't bother me at all. You look good in red, anyways.” She understood deflection very well, and let Jason steer the conversation away from what he'd just unloaded.

“Then meet the Red Hood,” Jason bowed to Steph and she giggled.

“Your story sounds kinda familiar, though.”

Jason removed the domino mask he normally wore around Steph (since he didn't wear the helmet around her). “You weren't kidding?” she gaped. “ You are Robin 2...wait, you look familiar...”

“My headstone says Jason Peter Todd, if that helps,” offered Jason.

“If Jason Todd was Robin 2, then Robin 1 has to be Dick Grayson, which means...” Steph's eyes grew larger. “Brucie Wayne, Ph. D in idiocy, is Batman?!”

“Got it in one, Doll,” Jason winked.

“That makes so much sense,” moaned Steph. “No wonder he never told me his name!”

“Your friend Robin 3 is Tim Drake, Bruce's newest adoptee. Looks like Drake finally died and B got custody again.”

“Wait,” interrupted Steph. “Why did Bruce adopt you? You met him as Batman, right? Well he caught me and never adopted me...how unfair!”

“You don't have black hair, Blondie,” Jason teased. “Step 1: dye your hair black. Step 2: Be a smart aleck and make Batman laugh because you stole the Batmobile's tires. Step 3: Reverse psychology: Hit 'im with your tire iron and run. Be reluctantly caught and thus adopted when he finds out you're a homeless orphan.”

Steph wheezed with laughter. “Of course you stole the Batmobile's tires! Oh man, the look on B-man's face must've been legendary!”

Jason grinned proudly. “At the time I was scared to death, but looking back, it was pretty funny....So, what'm I like, since I am alive?”

She buried her face in her hands. “Ughh, why? I can't believe I rhapsodized about you to you! Oh, kill me now. And I told you I had a crush on you...whyyyy?!” she wailed dramatically and Jason chuckled at her expense, the brat. Steph glared at him through her fingers.

“Sorry, I kinda like you, so Imma have to pass on the offer to murder you.”

“Stoppp,” she blushed, glad she was already hiding her face from him.

~♡~

This is a shorter chapter because my two sentences referencing tomorrow's prompt come directly after this 😆

Hope you enjoyed and feel free to Nicely leave constructive criticism!!

@jaystephevents @demonandangeltwins

#Jaystephweekend2022 #Jaysteph weekend #Jaysteph #Jason Todd #Stephanie brown #Ayftbk #And yet forgives the butchers knife #ali writes #Fic

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strangefellows · 2 years ago

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So, yeah, here’s a bunch of stuff about my FGO Master, Komadori Fujimaru!

I know a lot of people go Full OC with their mastersona, but I really, really like Gudako’s design, so I stick with that but made her my own! Very very much my own.

Featuring her with her best bud Cu and her shiny asshole boyfriend Gil, and her usual mission team. (Yes it’s unbalanced AF no I don’t care about the meta.)

If you can’t read Komadori’s bio, it’s as follows (with her major relationships!); see readmore~

Komadori Fujimaru, age 22 (as of 2015), college grad -- anthropology major -- and part time librarian who rolled on into Chaldea to avoid the crippling existential ennui and depression brought on by losing her brother Ritsuka (yes, ‘Gudao’) when they were kids traumatically and her horrible neglectful parents. Before Chaldea, she was deeply lonely and just going through the motions save for her one true passion -- history/anthropology, which she loved since she was a child; myths and legends and the heroes within had been basically her only friends for most of her life. So, in Chaldea, this is basically her dream come true, she adores it there, it’s the best thing to ever happen to her, she’s genuinely happy and surrounded by friends for the first time since Ricchan died.

She’s an absolute troll chaos gremlin loud sarcastic force of nature, she is, she does not take shit, she isn’t afraid of you, and she will do stupid shit for the lols. Like, all of the troll/silly/jokey dialogue options? Her. She’s just full of life and cheer and joy and love for all of this period, and it means the world to her that she’s not pretending anymore. She is living her best life. She is also a huge, huge nerd, and will make pop culture jokes.

Unfortunately she also has PTSD from losing her brother how she did -- he saved her from a car accident at the cost of his life -- so, she uh. Does not handle heroic sacrifices or similar very well. At all. This proves very fun for her! (Not.)

Being told ‘welcome home’ (okaeri, more or less) means a lot to her too due to her previous loneliness, and it WILL make her cry.

She is -- in universe anyway -- a pro at summoning to abnormal levels, and most Servants she summons remember the Singularities/Lostbelts even when they’re technically not supposed to. No one is sure why, especially since she’s totally average a mage otherwise. She’s just completely a prodigy when i comes to specifically he handling of Heroic Spirits.

( This is because, unbeknownst to her or anyone else because the initial medical exam missed it and then Chaldea blew up so the equipment just wasn’t available for them to figure it out, she’s a homunculus. She and her brother were created by British mages and their cores were attuned to Alaya and Gaia respectively; they were inactive, though, so they were shipped off to a nonmage ally family, the Fujimarus, for observation. But once Ritsuka died, the whole project was axed because what use is one without the other? Her core, however, activated when she hit Chaldea, so she is absolutely just a slowly-awakening conduit for Alaya and the Throne of Heroes. As for Ritsuka...well, his story might not be as over as it seems. He’s a conduit for Gaia, after all. )

As for relationships...

She fell very hard for Roman by the end of the Grand Order, and was thusly devastated at the Temple, especially because she never got to tell him. This ‘Chaldean’ guy in the Lostbelts is both a spot of hope and ENDLESSLY GODDAMN FRUSTRATING, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.

She also fell extremely hard for Gilgamesh -- of ALL people, she’s aware her taste is questionable but she’d loved the Epic before Chaldea shut up -- during Babylonia, and she basically spent the whole time sassing/flirting with him. She at first thought he was gorgeous but an insufferable prick, but warmed to him and by the end she had fallen very hard and basically almost cried into the summoning circle after Temple for him to come home. Lucky for her, her very vibrant personality and the way she both respects him and takes ABSOLUTELY NONE of his shit made the affection reciprocal. They’re awful, they sass each other constantly, get a room you losers. She wears his Valentine’s present bracelet all the time.

Her 100% top best friends are Robin, Cu, and Merlin.

Merlin and her are terrible gossipy trolls who sip tea together and talk shit, and bond over missing Roman if/when they get stupid drunk. She adores this absolute shithead wizard man. She WILL roast him constantly, with affection.

Robin she befriended in America and they got a lot closer when he brought him to Babylonia with her; they have a pretty close friendship -- her name, Komadori, means ‘robin’, so she was fond of him as a folk hero before Chaldea, and she was delighted to meet him. They’re bird buddies! Their relationship is basically him going WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS while she does dumb shit, but with fond exasperation. Someone has to carry her out of stupid situations, after all!

Cu was always one of her all time favorite legends, and she summoned him literally right after Singularity F; however, they didn’t bond until America. Because yes, they had the horrible luck of Cu going to America with her. The, uh, repeated slam dunks into Cu’s repressed trauma buttons made Komadori super protective, and at this point they are absolutely ride or die for each other. He’s the first person she goes to if she needs support or to talk or vent.

Drake is...well, they got drunk and probably had sex the first time they met in Okeanos? They’re basically drinking buddy besties with benefits. Komadori absolutely adores the woman, what a great friend.

Komadori ended up with a huge, huge, huge crush on Musashi, and considers her her best girlfriend, and Musashi feels the same, they’re ridiculous chaos gremlin gals, Shimousa was a ride, Vegas was a ride, best galpals ever. Olympus Sucked.

Emiya was one of the other first Servants Komadori called after Fuyuki, and at this point he’s her tired sarcastic protagonist brother-from-another-mother, they’re both full of sass and doneness and snark and Really Exasperated 20-Somethings. They have a bit of a clash over Komadori’s relationship with Gil, given Emiya remembers UBW and is wary of him, but they mostly agree to disagree on that and get on well otherwise.

Mash is Komadori’s baby sister, she imprinted on her as a sort of...”I failed my baby brother but I’ll protect her now” thing. She absolutely would kill and die for Mash, her baby sister. Baby. Protecc. Baby.

Honorable mentions for Servants Komadori’s really close to are: Dantes, Mordred, Ushiwakamaru, Osakabe, Mandricardo, Jeanne Alter, Jinako, Sanson, and obviously Enkidu (they double team Gil it’s hilarious). Moriarty is her Evil Ojiisan and she loves him too.

Oberon-Vortigern is TBA, along with Castoria; I am 90% blind for LB6 so will decide her relationship to them along the way, but tentatively Castoria is Little Sister #2 and ObeVorti is gonna either be a bestie or she’s going to fall hard.

#fgo #fate grand order #fgo master oc #REPOST BC I HATE THE APP #chara: king of glitter and gold #chara: a king's quiet wish #chara: of dreams and flowers #chara: loyal hound of blue #chara: nothing is ever forgotten #chara: everyone's hero #chara: little bird of chaldea #chara: lady of the void #chara: shield heart girl #chara: white dragon of the abyss

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mazuwii · 3 years ago

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Name: Sudden Meltdown You= Y/N Ackerman College AU

Fast forward two lessons and I was sitting in the stuffed cafeteria with a fat cake on my plate, trying my hardest to ignore every chaotic thing going on in the huge round hall by chewing on more than I could possibly handle.

"Uh oh, she's stuffing her mouth, why are you mad?" Pieck nudged me. I had no choice but to groan and roll my eyes. Porco and Zeke were sat in front of us, already knowing why I was irritated. "She won't shut the fuck up for one damn second," I mumbled, my gaze averted to Historia standing on the table, barking out bullshit.

Reiner and Annie let out a scoff in sync, both keeping their focus on their phones. Bertholdt laughed awkwardly and played with his fork. "It'll die down soon." He said.

"No, does she think she's some kind of main character or something? Her standing on the table and giving a speech about violence isn't going to stop Eren and Jean fighting like two petty drag queens." I rolled my eyes and continued. "If it did work then they would have stopped arguing by now."

"I'm surprised you haven't gotten used to it." Yelena sat across Pieck and I with her usually half-empty tray. "No, everyone secretly finds it cringe, I can't be the only one."

"Mmm, I don't know Y/N, it seems like you are," Zeke smirked and slightly leaned out of the way. Suddenly, students from our class clapping for her came into my already crimson view. "I just want to drop-kick her damn it." I stabbed the cake, earning a tissue rubbing against my mouth and cheeks.

"Not while looking like a baby who can't feed themselves," Pieck said, wiping the corners. All of our friends chortled as she treated me like a child. "What a supportive friend you are(!)" I sighed and took my earphones out of my backpack so I could block out the blonde's agitating voice.

Why was I getting so mad? I had no idea. Perhaps it was because her words were so repetitive and held no meaning to them. "Maybe you're jealous." Porco smugly said. I responded with a growl. "Of what?"

"I don't know, the fact that almost every guy has had a crush on her or that she's prom queen every year or you aren't as feminine as her or maybe"-

"Shut up. I get it." I grunted, stubbornly crossing my arms and glaring away from everyone. "Don't talk with your mouth open, Pocco."

"Don't tell me what to do! Peepee!"

Ignoring Pieck and Porco, my weakened glower settled on Reiner, who was boringly drinking water, leaning against the chair like a careless kid at a boring lecture. "Rei?" He suddenly stopped drinking, his eyes dragging to me creepily. He hummed with his cheeks full of liquid.

"You okay? I never see you eating nowadays." This was a better subject to start rather than that annoying short drama queen. The tall man grinned sheepishly and shook his head. "I ate too much in the morning so I don't have an appetite right now."

"I don't believe that, you aren't as beefy as you used to be," I snickered, squinting my eyes at him. "I bet Porco must be so happy now." Zeke abruptly said to himself. Our attention darted towards the bearded guy, making him look up and proceed. "He's jealous of Reiner's boobs and tries to grow his"-

"What?! Pfft no, I don't! Where d-did you get that from!?"

"Read it in your diary."

Porco began his usual rampage on privacy and why having Zeke as a roommate was like sharing with an obnoxious monkey, making us facepalm at the two. I turned towards Reiner who blushed slightly. I laughed and shook my head at how shy he could become.

By the time their argument turned into playful insults with Pieck and Yelena reacting to all their crappy comebacks, Bertholdt and Annie left the table with each other, in love as always. I got up from my seat and sat next to Reiner since the seat next to him was now empty.

"You know," He started, "You don't need to be jealous of Historia, you're just as good if not, better than her." The heat in my cheeks radiated my entire face. "At least to me," He added with a small smile, suddenly widening his eyes.

"Oh- sorry was that weird?" He laughed awkwardly. "Not at all, weirdo." I smiled at him, loving the view. How could Annie be staring at her phone when she had such perfection sitting next to her?

"Now come with me, let's both get some milk!" I snatched his hand and forced him up with me. He widened his eyes at how abrupt I was being, not having the heart to say no.

Reiner had some issues he never speaks about to people. He's amazing, the way he tries to heal his wounds by healing everyone else's. Out of all the questions I had, I'd have to ask him why. Why he covers his pain up by smiling, which technically is like adding wood to fire.

After taking a croissant and a cookie, I took him out to the benches on campus, no one really goes there now because it was raining in the morning.

Still, I threw my jacket on it and told him to sit down. Before he could decline, I pressed on his shoulders and forced him on it. The jacket was long enough for the both of us so I sat down right next to him.

"Reiner." I mumbled, biting into my cookie and shoving the croissant on his lap. "Y/N... I really"-

"Shut up and eat it, I'm sick of pretending to believe your lies."

His hand shook slightly and his lips quivered, turning his head away from me so that I wouldn't see. My heart shattered into a million pieces upon seeing him try to hide a cry.

"Rei..." I whispered, reaching for his slumped shoulder. "I'm just worried about you, we're besties aren't we?"

"Y/N... I don't deserve anything or anyone." He finally said. Despite the fact it was sad, at least he said something.

"No, please don't tell me this is how you've been thinking?" I bit my lip and remembered how he had PTSD and his room was all for himself, he had no roommate and stays in silence for the whole night, panicking with no one to help.

The silence he was giving me frustrated me more than it should, the fact that he wasn't saying anything about this. Judging by his weight loss it had been at least two weeks. "How long?" I asked carefully.

"Every night..." He finally looked at me. His usually golden, passion-filled eyes were dull with a spike of pain glistening in them. The corners bloodshot as he tried to contain the tears.

"You've been strong for too long, it's ok to cry..." I slithered my arm around his shoulders and gently laid his head against the crook of my neck. His shoulders shook and his breath was shaking as he finally let it out, sobbing into my neck.

From time to time, he'd let out a loud groan by accident, sniffling to lower his voice so that no one could hear but himself. "You matter so much to me, I swear to god, Rei." My fingers raked through his short blonde hair that had grown over time, my other hand rubbing his back.

"I want Reiner Braun. No one else." I told him, knowing why he was putting on the older brother impression all the time.

"He- He's nothing..."

"He's everything to me, why would you want to take away my everything?"

Suddenly, the sniffling stopped and the tears running down my neck halted at my sweater, soaking the collar. His face came into view when he sat up, gazing at me as if I had stated the craziest thing. His bronze pools switched from my left to my right pupil, drowning in my sincerity.

"You know how shit my days here would be without your dumb ass to flirt and make the most himbo jokes?" I giggled, my palm snaking up to his jaw and feeling his stubble gently prick my fingers as I caressed him.

Even though he hadn't said a word, I could only wish I made him feel better about himself because I had not only stated the truth, I exposed myself, my weakness. Although I don't show my appreciation as much as I should, I do need him, life would collapse without the idiot...

"Now, if you take my everything away from me, I'll despise you with every inch of my body," I said, melting when his hand laid on top of mine, leaning into my touch.

"That's not a lot of inches." He mumbled into my palm, making me lightly laugh. "Bastard." He weakly smirked at my playful insult.

"Come here." I sat on my knees so that I was higher than him and rested his head against my chest, my arms tight and secure around him.

"Mm..." I heard his muffled voice say, "Every time you hug me I feel so safe..." My heart skipped a beat, surely I wasn't supposed to hear that considering how low his voice was.

"You won't tell anyone... right?" He said, taking a deep breath in. I could sense him relaxing in my embrace, reassuring not only him but me.

"Of course not, let's just try and get you a break from school, a week should do it... right?" My hand rested on the back of his head even when he moved to face me.

"We have a lot of work for the school play though... the equipment needs building, who'll do the backstage lighting and help with props and what"-

"REI! Relax yourself, himbo. It's only a week."

"No."

"Reiiiii!" I whined, ignoring the thunder that had just struck. "Are you telling me you wouldn't want a week holiday with me?"

"I do, Y/N but we can't." He held onto my waist, careful not to squeeze my sides because he's well aware I'm ticklish there. "I can heal..."

My head unknowingly shook from side to side, "Rei you don't understand, I'm worried for you, healing by yourself... are you sure it'd work?" Silence...

Just as he was about to open his mouth, synced whistling broke our eye contact in the now heavy rain. Our gazes were met by the most annoying trio, Connie, Sasha and Jean wriggling their eyebrows at us. I heard Reiner uncomfortably sigh, cutting his breath off mid-way.

Abruptly, Jean began humming careless whisper out loud with his bothersome voice, Connie singing the lyrics with Sasha weirdly dancing in front of them as if they were in a ninja trio for matchmaking. "Tonight the music seems so LOUD! I WISH THAT WE COULD LOSE THIS CROWD! BABY! IT'S BETTER THIS WAY!"-

"You kids never shut up," We all flinched at the sudden appearance of Levi in the rain, standing proudly at his size. "First of all, it's 'maybe it's better this way', second of all your singing is so bad that the thunderstorm got worse, third of all, Braun and Ackerman, both of you get to class this is not a cheesy ass romance movie!"

Note:

Ok but Sasha Connie and Jean doing careless whisper is 100% canon, like it's too funny not to be true, I’m just chucking this into tumblr LMAO

#reiner braun #reiner x reader #reiner #attack on titan #connie springer #levi ackerman #LMAO sorry I'm dumping ishdiefse

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sound-of-the-cosmos · 4 years ago

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Trauma (Detective! Reader x Connor)

Thanks for the request! I have to admit I’m a sucker for this kind of stuff, and protective Connor is pretty fun as well-

Also, abusive on the police force? *Cough* Detective douchebag? *cough*

This got away from me a little ^^; But! I hope you enjoy!

“Stand alone, my soul is jealous; It wants love, but I reject it. Trade my Joy for my protection.”

- NF, Trauma

Warnings: TW: Abuse, swearing, mentions of violence, asshole boyfriend, anxiety, mentions of PTSD

Most people in your situation went to work, and got time away from their ‘significant other,’ although you know that’s not something you could call yours anymore. They were able to get away from the people who made their lives seem like a waste; to get away from the people who hurt them over and over again.

But it seems, of course, that you couldn’t be that lucky. You worked at the Detroit Police Department (DPD) and had for over 5 years. You had started as just an intern, but you’d proved pretty valuable only 6 months after. You’d helped solve a Red Ice related case, which led you to become friends with a man known as Hank Anderson.

Your significant other was none other than Gavin Reed; you had met him in college and had been charmed into a toxic relationship only 2 years later. You’d been with him for a extremely long time. Now, you wanted out. You knew you had to get out.

But every time you got close to opening up to someone, like Hank, or your friend/coworker/android, Connor- He’d know. He would assault you to the point you couldn’t go in the next day, and you constantly lied; you said that you’d fallen, or that you’d gotten in a fight, or it was a case.

Hank knew Gavin was a piece of shit the moment he laid eyes on him. He couldn't fathom why someone as kind as you were with... that. Connor could tell something wasn’t right, but his orders weren’t to look after you and Hank- even though that may help the case. Due to this, he never asked.

This brought you to where you are today, clutching your side as you run through the rain, your skin all shades of black, blue and purple. Your lip was split, and you were certain you would have a black eye. You ran, swearing as your clumsy footing causes you to slam into the pavement. Pushing yourself up on your elbows, you glance around, not seeing your so-called ‘boyfriend’ anywhere.

This is when the emotions that you had begun to bottle up finally let loose, and a choked sob passes your lips. Withdrawing one of your hands off your side, you push yourself up. The ground where your hand had touched was a deep crimson, before the rain washes it away. Your vision blurs as you stand, and you aren’t sure if it’s because you’re dizzy, or if it’s tears.

Looking around, you realize you were in your friend’s neighborhood. You swallow hard, before deciding to approach the beige and brick house. Valarie was your best friend, but she didn’t know about Gavin. You prayed she would merely assume it was a case.

You reach the door, and lightly knock, your vision going dark around the corners. The door opens, and you see her shocked features before everything goes black.

Your body aches as your consciousness floods back, but it seems to be moderately less than before. You weren’t drenched anymore, and there was a pressure on your side as well.

Your eyes gradually open, squinting against the harsh light. Sound slowly trickles in through the buzzing in your ears, and you overhear a harsh voice.

"What do you mean just showed up?! In the shape she’s in she shouldn’t have been walking!” It took a moment to recognize the voice as Hank’s. You couldn’t hear the reply, but a composed voice interjects, and your blood runs cold.

“She had a case with a deviant. I didn’t see her last night.” Gavin. He was going to haul you back to his house and you k n e w that he would kill you. No one ever took care of you when you passed out, he usually merely allowed you lay on the floor.

You’d have to bandage yourself up and come up with a lie so no one would be worried. A hand takes yours, and you jerk violently the other direction. Your eyes shoot to meet the android that you and Hank had been working with. You’d always seen him as a living creature, even though he’d always persist that he wasn’t.

In this moment, he was more human that you’d ever perceived him, aside from the gunfight at the top of Stratford Tower. His LED flashes from yellow, to red, then back to yellow. “Y/n, are you alright? What happened to you?” His voice is calm, and possesses a note of what you’d almost call concern. His eyebrows furrowed together as he surveyed your injuries.

“These injuries weren’t from a deviant... I know you weren’t assigned a case, we work together after all. These are blunt force traumas, and you seems to be in a slight state of shock.” He spoke matter-of-factly, which you should’ve expected, however you couldn’t help the tight feeling growing in your chest.

Has he pieced it together? If he had, Gavin would kill you. You thought you were going to die many times after he’d beaten you, but it always seemed like God retained a sense of humor, as you were never out too long.

“Y/n,” Connor tries, but you’re lost in your thoughts as your breathing picks up. Out of the corner of your eye, you glimpse Gavin enter the room.

He grips your arm, and instinctively you bring your free hand up to your face, terrified of what was going to happen. You can hear a chair falling, and before you can process anything, a harsh stinging sensation explodes on your cheek.A pair of hands take Gavin’s off of your body, and rams him into the wall. Connor’s LED was flashing red, and Gavin was seething with anger. He opens his mouth, but Connor beats him to it.

“What you’ve done to her is unforgivable, Detective Reed. What was your reason for doing this to Y/n? She comes to work with injuries that aren’t case related, and always seems unnerved in your presence. What was your reason?” His voice is pure anger, and raises in volume as he speaks.

“She fucks things up, and she’s just a pain in the ass to have around-” Before being able to complete his sentence, Connor lands a harsh blow to Gavin’s jaw, his body crumpling to the ground shortly after.

Connor’s nose scrunches a little for a moment, before he speaks. “Incorrect. There isn’t a reason to ever injure someone you claim to appreciate. If you believe there is, then you don’t genuinely treasure them.” His voice shakes a little with anger, and you were shaking slightly.

Connor had just... stopped it. It was genuinely that simple, you should’ve just told him about what had been going on. He turns to face you, his face softening.

Hank and Valarie burst into the room, and Hank takes a look at Gavin on the floor with a sneer and a slight smirk. “Fuckin’ prick.”

After Gavin had been taken out, you told Connor everything. How he would hurt you, threaten you, admonish you... all of it. In certain places, Connor would seem to grow angry, his LED flashing red momentarily, before dropping back into yellow.

When it came to what he did in the bedroom, you locked up, and instead of words, let out a choked sob. You cover your mouth, tearing up, and Connor gently places a hand on your shoulder.“We don’t have to talk about all of it right now; just describe what you’re comfortable with for the time being. We can work up to the other things later, alright?” His voice was tender, and you felt a small feeling bubble up in your chest that you hadn’t felt in a long time.

With him, you were safe.

And your source of Trauma couldn’t hurt you when you were with him.

// A h the first time I posted this, Tumblr had a seizure and got rid of all my paragraphs ;0;

// It’s fixed now! Also, this is a new part, please only reblog my one shots unless you’re giving me credit ^^; thank you!

//edit: I feel like this should be said as this is my most popular post; I personally experienced an abusive relationship, and was able to do get out of it about 2 years ago. Writing things like this, even if it isn’t even the same type of abuse that I experienced, is almost therapeutic.

//if any of you are experiencing an abusives relationship, whether it be a friend, lover or family member, you deserve to be free of that. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to get better. Please remember that 💕

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yukheii · 5 years ago

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— baby, you blow me away (m.l)

+ pairing :: mark lee + oc:reader

+ genre and warnings :: spiderman au, marvel/mcu au, it’s mostly fluff but there are some sad themes to it, mentioned of sadness/longing, implied mild depression, implied symptoms of ptsd (kind of, it’s vague, but i figured it’s best to disclose anyway), mark is trying his hardest pls appreciate him thanks for being the sweetest boy to ever exist

+ notes :: this one goes out to sarah aka foreverpark for being the biggest peter parker and mark lee enthusiast you’ll ever come across; also she keeps putting posts of tony on my dash so uh, mentions of him and pepper i’m not sure exactly what mesh of college au and mcu au this is but bear w me

Mark hasn’t been able to sleep for three weeks.

First, he tries to convince himself that it’s not that bad. That every twenty year old male has a few vivid nightmares every now and again. That it’s perfectly fine to experience mild seizures, and severe insomnia, and that everything will pass if he drinks some green tea, takes a few Tylenol, and puts on a face mask.

Then, he sobers up a little; realizes that, yeah, what’s been going on is well past normal. But, he merely shifts his poor coping mechanisms instead of doing something about it—he makes himself believe that it’s worth it. That staying awake until his body is physically exhausted enough to force him into sleeping, having crystal clear flashbacks whilst waiting in line for coffee, and quaking at the slightest noise above two decibels is worth the hero work.

The therapist that Pepper has him go to does what he can to help, but it’s truthfully, not much. Granted, seeing immediate results is less than rare, but Mark isn’t feeling optimistic, either.

When he tells Mr. Therapist Man about you and that he hasn’t seen you in weeks, his eyebrows crease together, and he starts writing at an alarming pace against his notepad. Mark almost forgets that whatever he tells Mr. Therapist Man goes back to Pepper, and that maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned how in addition to his symptoms, he’s slipping on his schoolwork and his obligations as a boyfriend; but he knows that she’s too smart, and she would have cornered him about it sooner or later.

“Why haven’t you seen ______?” she questions, voice gentle but firm, as she hands him a cup of hot chocolate.

“I have seen her,” he clarifies, blowing lightly on the beverage, “But not, like, a lot? We talk a little when I see her on campus—oh, and I waved to her when I swung by her English class last Thursday—but, I haven’t been at school a whole lot, honestly. And—also, she’s busy! She has clubs and midterms and—”

“And, so do you, Mark,” Pepper interjects.

Mark opens his mouth to refute, but deflates almost instantly. Truthfully, he hadn’t so much as spared a single thought about his exams until a few seconds ago. He could kiss that A- in Classics goodbye.

“Yeah, but I’ve got… other stuff to do, too,” he says softly. Other things to do and other things to focus on.

The ginger watches him toy with this fingers, the wide-eyes in front her are filled with so much guilt and pleading and worry that she feels tears pricking at her own. She puts her cup down, and shifts her body closer to Mark’s, a gentle hand resting on his shoulder.

“You… you really have his spirit, you know that,” she asks, but it’s not a question. Her glassy eyes seem to look through Mark, not at him, as she continues, “He saw so much of himself in you, and it’s so easy to see why.”

“But, Mark,” she’s whispering now, on the verge of tears, “Don’t make his mistakes. Take care of yourself, please. Rest.”

And Mark starts crying first, a vice grip around his cup. “I won’t. I promise.”

In hindsight, Mark probably should have used his original suit, and not the metal one when he planned to make a swift, silent, entrance.

He smells like burnt rubber and exhaust fumes when he crawls in through your window and wraps his arms around your shoulders, chin resting atop your head.

“You’re late,” you mumble, eyes not sparing him a glance, still focused on the assignment open in front of you. You haven’t made any progress since last week, but neither you nor Mark comment on that.

“I know,” he replies, voice airy like he’s still trying to catch his breath; and you can feel his chin move with every syllable against the point of your head, “I’m sorry.”

You swivel your chair and face him properly for the first time in far too long. His mask is still on, red and blue and oversized black metal look back at you instead of the honeyed-brown you know and love.

But you don’t need to see his face to see what’s wrong—and Mark knows there’s no point in hiding it any longer. He lets you stand up and lets your arms fall to the back of his beck; feels just the ghost of a touch against a pressure-point on his neck before the mask and the rest of the suit recede into a watch on his left wrist.

He’s just as you feared—and then some. There’s a faint, purple bruise along the bridge of his nose and several, smaller scrapes along his chin, but what alarms you the most are his eyes.

They’re not wide with too much hope and love and ambition anymore; they’re quiet, dull. They’re not Mark’s eyes.

“Mark,” you barely get his name out, your head tilting to the side, words caught in your throat.

Mark swallows consciously, entire body trembling as your gentle hands press into his head. It’s a dull pain when your left hand cradles his neck and your right rests against his cheek, thumb pressing against his bottom lip.

“Oh, Mark,” you sob again, and he lets his eyes flutter shut. You pull his face towards yours, slow and careful, a ghost of a kiss pressed against the bulb of his nose.“

“I’m so sor—” he chokes, but you don’t let him finish his sentence; cutting off his words with a petal soft kiss to his bruised lips.

“Come to bed,” you say instead, both of your palms cradling his cheeks now before you kiss him again.

He wants to say no, that he can’t, that he hasn’t been able to for far too long now, but then you wipe away a fallen tear, and something in Mark makes him believe that this time, it’ll be different.

He only smiles, shallow, but genuine—it prompts you to peck him again. Your hands cascade down his face, neck, arms, until you’re holding both his hands. You raise his right to your mouth, interlocking your fingers and pressing a chaste kiss to his knuckles, “Come.”

He lets himself be pulled by your grip to your bed. You have a rule about non-pajamas touching your bedsheets, but you seem to the break them for him; simply allowing him to strip to his boxers and remain in his t-shirt before following you under the duvet.

Mark’s favorite way to cuddle is not to, really. He thinks he’s too awkward, lanky in all the wrong places to securely hold you against him. He prefers to sleep facing you. He likes the feel the small exhalations from your nose tickle his face. Often, he’ll extend a leg in your direction, and sandwich it between your own. Sometimes, he drapes an arm around your waist or vice versa, but usually, he likes to hold your hand instead. It’s nice for him that way, just knowing you’re there.

But, tonight, Mark stops you as you lay on your side, body cocooned into its usual position. He presses your other shoulder blade back into the mattress until you’re flat on your back, and gingerly crawls into your hold.

It’s balming to him that you don’t think twice about wrapping your arms around his torso, pulling him in, kissing the top of his head. He sighs against your plush skin, allowing himself to be engulfed in a warmth too intense to punctuate.

He reaches an arm up, to rest his hand against your shoulder, but you catch it in your grasp. He thinks you’re going to hold his hand, but your grip remains around his wrist.

He turns his head, ready to question your motives, when he sees your single hand making work of removing his watch. Carefully, you slip the metal from his wrist, and store it away in a drawer on your beside table.

Mark wants to protest, but the way you kiss his palm and rewrap your arms around him fades his resolve. Suddenly the watch—the suit—is of little importance; feeling your skin against his is his only priority.

It’s only when you feel his breathing even out and his heartbeat regulate that you consider closing your own eyes. Not before pressing a final kiss to the crown of Mark’s head and squeezing him tight.

“Rest, my love.”

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depressedyeehaw · 5 years ago

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KDRAMA REC

these are dramas I’ve watched. favorites in no particular order (except Goblin, it’s my favorite.) I tried not to put too much into the details because I didn’t want to spoil anything but yeah. I’ve seen quite a few now so why not.

* Goblin (Guardian: the Lonely and Great God)

buckle up because you’ve got a tired goblin, a socially inept grim reaper, and ghost seeing high schoolers that become housemates and your best friends.

if you’re not new to the Kdrama world then you’ve definitely heard or seen this drama and how fucking great it is. whether it’s the stellar cast or the beautiful soundtrack, it didn’t get its reputation for nothing.

it’s got romance, bromance, lots of humor, past and present collisions, the ability to make you depressed, and Gong Yoo.

Hush - Linde Lindh (the OTS is so beautiful)

what more could you want?

* Healer

do you like spy or spy-esque genres? Ji Chang Wook? a dash of betrayal? then I’ve got the drama for you!

an errand boy for hire gets put in a sticky situation that involves a girl that he just can’t seem to shake, their past, and some politics that really put his identity in jeopardy.

it’s a lot of storylines that really tie together well in the end.

when you hold me tight - Yael Meyer

bad boy is actually soft and soft girl don’t take shit.

* The Legend of the Blue Sea

another fantasy that includes the past and present, but with MERMAIDS.

a mermaid who’s just trying to get this boy, but can’t exactly function well in society since she was in the ocean her whole life.

and a con artist who just can’t seem let her go.

the secondary cast are great and I love them.

this drama is hilarious, like first episode you’re gonna laugh within the first 10 min. it’s probably my second favorite.

it’s got TWO umbrella scenes AND a claw machine.

crying may happen so bring a plastic bag.

* Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo

another favorite.

your main girl is a weightlifting, independent woman who don’t need no man but boy does she like him.

and your main guy is a swimmer with PTSD and he’s such a sweet BOI

the trio is so funny I wanted to die.

sets high standards for your boyfriend so watch out.

sheds light on mental health and eating disorders.

no bad blood really, just really wholesome x1.

* Fight My Way

four friends just trying to follow their dreams even tho they’re tight on money.

leading lady is so fed up, just wants to be an announcer.

leading boy is not far behind her, lowkey misses being a fighter.

my favorite drama with Park Seo Joon.

the aeygo is strong with this one.

really wholesome x2, you’ll love it.

don’t punch with your thumb tucked under your fingers, you’ll break it

* What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?

she just wants to live her own life, that’s what.

she’s been his secretary for like 9 years and just wants to be done with it.

the whole brooding, egotistical boss thing kinda turned me off but you gotta give it a chance.

lowkey twisted.

another Park Seo Joon (I watched this before watching Fight My Way and lemme tell you, the whiplash was real)

same actress from Healer, she’s so G O O D

the side romances are great

* She Was Pretty

last one with Park Seo Joon I swear

it was pretty decent, also the first drama I ever watched (thank you YouTube algorithm)

instead of egotistical boss, you get a prick instead (I’m still salty about it okay)

they were friends, lost touch. and now they’re back together but get this, she ain’t who he thinks she is.

and he’s her boss on top of that.

main lead is so pretty (she IS pretty) she’s just so optimistic and empathetic.

second lead syndrome so tread carefully.

ending is cute, I’ll give it that.

* Touch Your Heart

if you liked the two Goblin characters (not the main two, I wish) then you’ll want to watch this after Goblin.

literally so fucking cute.

I’m not kidding, I got cavities from this shit.

had to pause multiple times because of how cringely cute it was.

she’s just an actress trying to method act for her lawyer role.

and he’s the lawyer who’s just so done but then he’s not!

* Because This Is My First Life

one needs money and one needs a room.

THERES A CAT

honestly such a wholesome x3 drama that makes you think.

is marriage all that??

Marriage - MoonMoon (it is all that)

really shows how sexism affects women in the workplace

kinda slow burn

* Cheese in the Trap

Kim Go Eun is a delight, I love her.

based off a popular WEBTOON by the same name.

apparently controversial because of that.

also SLS so be careful.

college is hard and not just because of classes.

basically college girl has a bad past experience with popular guy but suddenly he’s asking her to eat with him and it’s confusing her.

and then he’s not also what he seems.

wish it had more about the main guy because he was just so interesting (read the webtoon cause it’s actually really good)

also has a movie with some of the same cast (I watched it right after finishing the drama and it’s not as in depth obviously but the ending is better)

* The K2

action packed

the soundtrack is lit

Ji Chang Wook could kick my ass and I’d thank him.

boy gets caught in some high stakes politics and ends up as a bodyguard.

very political and it was hard for me to follow at times.

I’d die for Anna.

who do you trust? Idfk

the guy is literally so fed up 90% of the drama

iconic umbrella scene.

* Hotel Del Luna

when I die, you’ll find me at Hotel Del Luna: the hotel for the dead.

okay the main guy looks like he’s thirty but he’s actually 22 in this wtf that’s younger than me. I feel WRONGED.

you’ll love the entire hotel crew.

owner: she’s a problematic fav

the new manager: he’s just trying his best

OST is a bop.

lotta past and present overlapping in this and it’s great

* Oh My Venus

this one was cute but also problematic to me

pretty girl in high school became a chubby lawyer.

lotta relationship drama and cringe.

and the entire drama is about her losing weight and falling for stoic but actual soft boy “coachenim”.

ending could have been so much better oh my G O D.

probably my least favorite but I didn’t genuinely enjoy most of it.

* Suspicious Partner

lawyers, prosecutors, and murders OH MY!

you got an angry boi and a hot mess of a girl

hot mess gets herself in a bigger mess and becomes a murder suspect.

angry boi gets more angry

I have never yelled at a drama more than this one, jesus it was a ride.

the romance is there but in small doses.

forty 30 min episodes (20 hours)

hey look, Ji Chang Wook is in this one too.

* Descendants of the Sun

a soldier and doctor hit it off but then their moral views conflict with their romantic interest.

they go separate ways but then PLOT TWIST

surprise, doc. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

the bromance is real in this one too.

Touch Your Heart recreated the iconic helicopter scene p e r f e c t l y

will add more as I continue to watch.

#kdrama rec #i got these gifs from google so if one made by one of you guys please let me know and ill remove it or give credit up to you #kdrama recommendations #kdrama #goblin #wfkbj #legend of the blue sea #suspicious partner #healer #cheese in the trap #oh my venus #hotel del luna #because this is my first life #whats wrong with secretary kim #fight my way #blah blah blah kdrama

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welcome-to-the-end-of-eras · 4 years ago

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My dad used to play club hockey when he was in college and has a lot of stories about different fights he got in, but he just told me about one and I can’t stop picturing the foxes so here we go:

-It’s a few years after the events of the book, and everyone except Neil has graduated

-The foxes make it to the championships, and to absolutely no one’s surprise they’re facing the ravens again, but thankfully the foxes will be at a home-court advantage

-Obviously both teams had changed a lot from the time R*ko was there, but I like to imagine that the ravens are still gargantuan pricks, just y’know less murder-y

-But none of the og champion foxes can’t bare to leave, so they’ve all gotten jobs helping around the stadium (student loans are also a real bitch and the school pays them pretty well)

-Matt, Dan, Andrew, and Renee work security for obvious reasons

-Allison and Nicky work the front desk (for the sake of this story he and Erik moved to the states) bc they like to shut down people looking to get in for free/being pricks about where their tickets are

-Aaron’s out selling the tickets bc he knows that if he sees someone being especially rough in the crowd Andrew’s gonna fight the guy and he just knows he’ll get roped into it

-But Kevin decided he’d come back and ref for the game, along with some former ravens to make sure it’s fair to both teams

-So the game’s going, it’s neck and neck, and Neil scores an point for the foxes that puts them just in the lead

-The ravens are having n o n e of that shit, so the next play Neil’s mark starts getting especially rough

-Like REALLY rough

-Kevin’s got his hand on the trigger with a red card, but the other refs are being bastards and saying “he hasn’t made an illegal play” and “it’s just a rough game, you’re being biased”

-But suddenly the guy marking Neil breaks off and starts going after some of the freshmen players, and Neil’s Captain/Mom Instincts start kicking in and he’s ready to fuckin demolish the guy

-The poor freshman his mark is targeting is trying to hold Neil back and tell him it’s not worth it, but as the kid turns his head Neil’s mark comes in swinging and does a baseball swing with his racket at the freshman’s head

-Ding ding, round one, Neil goes absolutely fucking batshit on the guy

-Kevin sprints over to break it up and he’s trying to pry Neil off the guy, but then he starts hearing all the shit his mark is spewing about how Neil’s “a psycho” and “deserves to rot like his dad”

-Ding ding, round two

-Suddenly THE Kevin Day, the same Kevin Day whose father is planning on making him run the Boston Marathon three times over if he so much as thinks about making a shit call on the ravens, is swinging on this guy with everything he has

-The people in the stands are going absolutely fucking nuts, the reporters are having a field day, and both teams have left the bench to help their respective teammates

-The security squad made an attempt to stay on task and make sure the crowd doesn’t riot, but as soon as one of the ravens knocked the cage off of Neil’s helmet Matt and Andrew took off running for the court

-Dan and Renee followed, intending to stop the two of them from getting involved, but they hear someone call Neil a fairy and suddenly Renee has her knives out and Dan’s knuckles are bruised and bloody

-Aaron went inside to hang out with Allison and Nicky after the game got started, and they all overhear some of the other stadium staff calling over the walkie-talkies for someone to call the campus police, so they turn on the monitor to see what the hell’s going on

-Aaron just mutters “ah, Christ” under his breath and makes a beeline for the court, Allison on his heels

-Nicky stayed behind to call the campus police, but as soon as he dialed the extension someone from the ravens put Andrew in a chokehold and started saying things in his ear with a smirk

-The small, almost imperceptible crack in his cousin’s apathetic facade had Nicky sprinting to catch up with Allison and Aaron

-On the court, Neil’s still swinging on the guy who hit the freshman when he notices Andrew in the chokehold

-If Neil wasn’t seeing red before, now he was drowning in it now

-Neil tears off towards them, rips the guy off Andrew, and takes the guy down

-Mind, the guy’s nearly twice his height and three times his width, but Neil is five feet and three inches of Rage and doesn’t stop wailing on him even after the guy passes out

-Andrew eventually gets Neil to stop, but at least 5 more guys are coming for them, so he grabs the guy’s racket and starts swinging it around

-Andrew: you want me, you gotta get through 6 feet of Christian

-Random Raven #1: only hockey sticks are called Christians, exy sticks-

-Renee, six feet of Christian: *body slams the guy*

-(I’m a simple lesbian and I love Tall Women so I choose to believe Renee is at least 6 ft tall, do not attempt to tell me otherwise)

-Eventually campus police get there and break up the fight, but over the years they had gotten pretty familiar with the foxes bc of their shenanigans, so they just go up to Neil and ask him “what’d these fuckers do to you to make you hit them so hard?”

-The ravens are fucking livid bc it’s OBVIOUSLY not THEIR fault (note the sarcasm), but no one’s rage can compare to Wymack’s

-Whew boy is man’s pissed

-He sits them all down (og foxes included) in the locker room and absolutely tears into them

-Wymack: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DEAN HUH??? THAT MY GUYS GOT IN A FIGHT AND THE FUCKING R E F JOINED IN??? THAT SECURITY STARTED BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THE OTHER TEAM??? THAT THE KIDS AT THE FUCKING DESK STARTED THROWING HANDS???

-Nicky: but coach you don’t understand, they’re fuckin pricks-

-Abby has to physically restrain him after that

-So the og foxes decide to have a little sleepover after things get sorted at the station and of course they get roaring drunk

-It’s a mess

-Kevin’s crying because he messed up the fox’s chance at a 4th consecutive championship title

-Matt can’t stop laughing and yelling “THAT’S MY WIFE” at the press footage of Dan bodying a girl on the ravens who tried to attack Allison while her back was turned

-Aaron just passes tf out. He’s Tired Of This Shit.

-Andrew and Neil aren’t quite as drunk as the others, but they’re a little tipsy when Neil asks why Andrew got involved if they got rid of their promise of protection

-Andrew just glares at him

-“117%”

-When they wake up the next morning, it’s to a series of missed calls from Wymack

-Neil answers after about 6 missed calls

-Neil: coach it’s 8 in the morning-

-Wymack: GET YOUR ASSES DOWNSTAIRS NOW

-So all of the v e r y hungover foxes drag their asses downstairs and who do they see but the dean of palmetto state holding up this morning’s headline that reads “NCAA Exy Championship Game Ends in All-Out War”

-Wymack is revving up to tear into them again despite being hungover himself, but the dean stops him and reads them all the statements from their favourite southern Californian exy team, who had been in the front row of the stands and witnessed everything firsthand

-“‘...the ravens were absolutely to blame,’ says former USC exy captain Jeremy Knox, who witnessed the altercation firsthand. ‘That backliner was way out of line, taking a shot like that at a kid half his size, and the rest of the Ravens were egging the guy on.’”

-Matt: I mean no shit-

-Dan: just keep reading, honey

-“‘...this is exactly the type of thing to be expected from one of Riko Moriyama’s protégée,’ Jean Moreau, both a former Raven and a former Trojan, tells the press. ‘Not only did he deviate from the game over a petty rivalry, but his teammates targeted specific players and staff with severe PTSD. The Raven’s should be held solely responsible for the altercation.’”

-Nicky: we already know that coach, what’d you drag us out of bed for???

-But before anyone could finish the article, someone in an official looking suit came in, wheeling the championship trophy into the middle of the confused group of kids

-They explained that both Jean and Jeremy’s first-hand accounts, as well as videos of the incident, convinced the board that there could absolutely not be a rematch between the two teams, but that the foxes would still be crowned the victors by default

-If Ichirou’s influence over the board had anything to do with their decision...well, a win’s a win for the foxes

-And that’s how the foxes, both old and new, ended up roaring drunk at the local Denny’s at 10 am on a Sunday

#this took me 2 hours to write bc i got into a debate with my friends over what makes something edible #aftg #all for the game #all for the gay #neil josten #andrew minyard #kevin day #andriel

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bucky-iss-bae · 6 years ago

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Little Miss CEO - (Billy Russo x Reader)

Heyy, so another multiple part fic here. This time its Billy Russo as the main man, and I just love writing with him, for real one of my favourites to write with. I know that there's so much I need to improve on while writing still. But I know this, and each fic is giving me more confidence.

Fandom: Marvels The Punisher

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Word Count: 2500 ish

Warnings: Swearing, hella lot of swearing some anger.

Summary: Billy and Y/N get set up by their friends, but they clash heads more than they get on. He thinks she’s a gold digger bitch and she thinks he’s Mr Obnoxious, are either of them, everyone else thinks that they’re too stubborn for their own good and probably get on.

A/N: Hope you all enjoy, any feedback is welcome x

Masterlist Fandom list

Little Miss CEO - Part One

“Karen, why are you doing this again? I really, really, really don’t need to be set up”

“I’m not setting you up. We’re just going out to a bar, with a few friends”

“Your friends not mine” I whined whilst sitting on the couch and flicking through the channels.

My dear best friend and roommate is trying to get me to go out to the bar with her. She knows everyone that’ll be there, all I know is her partner Frank. I mean considering he’s a killer vigilante, he’s quite nice.

And apparently, the other two are both friends of his. One is Curtis, I know he works with those who suffer PTSD. And I have no idea who the final guy is. Let’s hope he’s as nice as Frank and Curtis are because if not then we’ll have problems. I Don’t know who else this someone else is. Mainly because she won’t tell me.

“Y/N!” She yelled, “Get your ass up, go get a cute jumpsuit on and let’s get going”

“It takes more than a jumpsuit to make me cute” I grumbled,

“I didn’t say you were cute. I just said get a cute jumpsuit” She said.

I glared at her, “Listen, if you want me to join you, you should consider being nicer to me. And let's not forget that I’ve got so much work to do. I don’t have time to go out. I see all my friends either at work, at home or scheduled in appointments”

“You’ve not got any work to do tonight babes. I know this, you have a day off and you mean it as a day off”

“Well, I need to go to the gym. Haven’t been since yesterday”

“You really don’t need to go gym either. Come on, let’s go get you ready”

I let out a whine, “I hate you”

“No, you don’t. Now come on”

I got up and she went to grab my clothes whilst I started on my makeup.

I didn’t do too much, mainly because I wasn’t feeling it tonight. Once I got changed and finished my makeup, I went out to join Karen.

“You look amazing. Now come on, we’re half an hour late already”

“You would’ve been on time if you didn’t drag me with you” I grumbled but we still left and took my car.

I honestly have a nice car, I have a good job, I work as a personal trainer and have got my own team of trainers. I also own a gym, where my team and I work. It’s successful enough, we all have our own high-end clients, we all train in different areas so there’s some of my team who are fighters, either ex-navy or ex-marines. Others are ex-fighters, used to specialise in MMA and then their own fighting style. Then there are others that went to college doing sports science, and enjoy sports and know how to train the body to lose weight or get in shape depending on the client. There are 20 that work for me altogether. But in the last few years, the team has really grown. And I’m proud of the company that we’re growing together, the brand I’ve created. But of course, I can’t do any work tonight because I’m being dragged out by my dear best friend.

“You haven’t got work tomorrow have you?” She asked when we were in the car.

“I’ve just got paperwork to do, a few collaborations with businesses, and need to get back to some potential clients, need to prepare a few things, I don’t even know”

“You overwork yourself you know. You need to find yourself a man, calm down a little”

“Ehh, I wanna work on growing my company first. I can find a man another day”

“Uh huh. You know you can multitask right?”

“Yeah, but I want to give it my complete attention to let it grow, a man will just be a distraction”

“Ok, well considering you’re working tomorrow are you drinking tonight?”

I smiled and shook my head, “Nah, I’ll be the designated driver for you and whoever else as long as they treat my car with respect”

“Uh huh. Then don’t give that open invite to anyone else”

I chuckled and we got there within 15 minutes. When we met everyone, well Frank looked at his watch and started laughing, “This has got to be the longest I’ve ever waited for you, you know” Frank said to Karen once they had both kissed in greeting. She sat beside him and I joined them in the circular booth and sat beside Curtis.

“Well she,” Karen said looking across at me, “Decided she didn’t want to join us, but I didn’t really give her a choice so getting her ready took forever itself”

“See, Bill decided he would meet us here and still hasn’t turned up”

“That’s if he turns up” Curtis added

“Wish I had that option,” I said smirking at Karen but sat down with them all, “But hey, how you both doing?”

“We’re good Y/N. How about you?” Curtis asked with a kind smile,

“Busy with work is how I am. But good other than that”

“And how’s business going?”

I nodded, “Good. Really good actually. Couldn’t ask for much more at this point”

“Yeah because all she literally does is work.” Karen said to them a small smile on her face,

“Sounds like someone else we know. Here he is, thought you weren’t going to show Billy Boy” Frank said to his friend, Billy apparently.

Billy is a tall, handsome bearded guy. He was wearing a very nice and expensive looking suit. He had scars running down the left side of his face but nevertheless was still incredibly attractive.

“Well, I knew that if I didn’t turn up you would be on my ass about never going out,” He said sitting down beside Karen as she and Frank moved across, and looking at us all,

“Who’s she?” He asked bluntly looking at me,

“Y/N, she’s Karens best friend and roommate, Y/N this is sadly my brother Billy,” Frank said introducing us both

I nodded, “Hi”

He grunted in response, “See if you told me someone else was here, I definitely wouldn’t have turned up” He grumbled.

I rose my eyebrows in amusement, isn’t he an obnoxious one.

“Karen, what drinks do you want?” I asked her ignoring him,

“I’ll start with a margarita” She smiled,

I nodded, and got up, “Get me a whisky” I heard Billy say I rolled my eyes but grabbed my clutch and went to order from the bar.

I ordered myself a virgin mojito, Karen’s margarita and Billy’s whisky,

“Can I have this come a few minutes after the other two please?” I asked while paying, I mean sure I’ll get his whisky, but he doesn’t need to know this right away.

“One Margarita and one Virgin Mojito?” The waiter asked with two drinks a few minutes after I had sat back down.

“Didn’t you get my whisky?” Billy asked.

“Oh, shit. You thought that you could be rude to me then ask for drinks?” I asked him, “Sorry sweetie it doesn’t work like that,” I told shrugged,

He glared at me and huffed out a sigh, “Karen you didn’t tell me that your friend was such a sensitive bitch”

“Oh did she not. Then I’ll quickly mention it. Karen's friend is a bitch so don’t treat her like shit” I smiled at him.

Franks jaw hung slightly open as he looked at Billy who was glaring at me, a few seconds after a waitress came with his whisky.

She placed it in front of him but he still had a glare on his face, “Ok wow. This has been fun and we’re only two minutes in” Curtis murmured while sipping on his own drink.

Billy took this whisky and necked it back, all while maintaining eye contact.

“Yeah, it’s going to be a long night,” Karen said adding on to what Curtis said.

Despite what the two were saying the night wasn’t that bad. I mean Billy, prick of the year let me tell you that. He’s lovely to his friends, have a few banterous jokes with them, nice to anyone in passing the people serving our food, but then so rude to me.

Not that I mind, I mean I know how to handle a dickhead or two. It didn’t stop me from having fun. But for real, he was nice to look at, if I’m honest. His beard trimmed to perfection, his hair slicked back nicely, and the suit he wore. Damn this man gave a different meaning to a man in a suit, shame that his personality turns him into something no one would want.

You could tell he was well off, the way he held himself, the things he was wearing, right down to his shoes. You could also tell that he served alongside Frank. But I’m sure that he didn’t get his scars from the war.

I don’t know how the conversation got to couples and partners, but it did. Well, it started off by Frank and Karen talking about how they ended up together.

“You got any guys lined up then Y/N?” Frank asked with a smirk on his face.

I grimaced at that, “Don’t have time for that” I shrugged.

“Oh come on, you need to make time, I mean I’m pretty sure we all know your type, what's stopping you from finding that” Karen had a shit-eating grin plastered on her face, both her and Frank waiting on answer almost from me. Curtis just laughed with a shake of his head and I rolled my eyes,

“For real, I don’t have the time or patience. I just about have time for myself, I mean like what is my type, for my type to be specific”

“Well...” Karen started,

“She likes a well-dressed man. Whenever she’s third wheeling and checking guys out. They’re always well dressed” Frank said pointing at me.

I snorted, “A good fashion sense is key, and excuse me. You’re the one who crashes my coffee dates with Karen. And then you guys make me leave, this is after I’ve paid”

“Shh, we live together it's ok. But the next point is a beard. She likes a well-groomed beard, you see anyone on anywhere that has a good beard and that’s it for you”

I rested my head back and let out a small laughed, “That’s true though. So true. It makes all the difference for me”

“What else is there?” Frank asked.

I lifted my head up and look at them, “How about no. That’s enough, there’s like no one in this bar that fits that criteria. And I honestly don’t have time for that type of shit”

“Listen, you work too hard and need to rest sometimes”

Considering she first-hand sees how hard I work. She’s always on my case about relaxing a bit. But I know as soon as I’m confident that my business and work life are where they need to be. I will relax. Until then I’ll prioritise my work life.

“Billy boy is the same aren’t you Bill,” Frank said, “No time to play just work, work and work”

“Well, when you’re running a successful business like I do. Then its justifiable”

“What do you do?” I asked him.

He rolled his eyes at me but still answered, “I run a business called Anvil. A security firm”

I nodded, I’d heard of it. Him saying that and I know I’ve heard of him before as well. Think his name is Russo. A dangerous man, who’s done a lot of bad things but redeemed himself.

I nodded at his answer, “That’s nice”

He had a glare set on his face once again, “You got something you wanna say?” he asked.

I shrugged, “Nah. Was just curious is all”

“I really didn’t think the two of these would clash like this” Frank muttered to Karen who laughed a little at this as did Curtis.

“What did you think would happen?” Billy asked them, he stared at them, and I just realised this was a potential set up, “Fucking hell. You’ve been trying to set us up, haven’t you? That’s why you were so adamant on me joining, and why you’ve been interrogating her”

The three of them were sat there with innocent smiles on their faces.

“I don’t need someone who’s probably a gold digger hanging around. And who says I’m ready for this shit after last time huh?”

“You walked into the last one yourself buddy,” Frank said to him whereas I just clocked on to what he said,

“Who are you calling a gold digger when I’m the one who’s been buying your drinks?”

“Well, clearly you are. I’ve watched how you’ve been drooling all over me, what I’m wearing. Probably trying to figure out how many figures I make, asking what type of business I run”

I snorted at that, “Oh sweetie. You really are an arrogant, obnoxious prick aren’t you?” I questioned leaning forward slightly.

“And you’re a condescending bitch. You don’t see me calling you out”

“You literally just did. And let’s not forget the comments you’ve been making towards me”

“All I’ve been saying is the truth princess”

“Right, a gold digger, a sensitive bitch? You got a little butt hurt because I let you wait for your drink rather than you being a demanding ass just because you didn’t get it right away”

“Yeah a sensitive bitch. I mean whenever someone starts talking about something you don’t wanna be talking about you completely swerve the conversation”

“Am I now? At least I’m talking you're sat there acting all moody because you didn’t get told that a stranger would be sat here with you guys”

“Well, considering the way you acted when I said I’m CEO of Anvil”

My jaw dropped, “How did I act huh? Tell me because I know for a fact you're imagining things now”

He had a grimace on his face and shook his head, “Nah, see you may have hidden it well. I’ll give you that, but not well enough”

“You’re actually the sensitive one now. Wow. And you’re overreacting. What is there for me to say anyway?”

He didn’t say anything instead if looks could kill, I would be dead right now. He didn’t like what I was saying, everyone else was shocked at what was being said and I know for a fact that this wouldn’t be diffused anytime soon.

“Listen I’m going to go pay what I need to pay. Did you want me to pick you up later Karen?” I asked her.

“It’s alright. I’ll probably stay with Frank tonight alright”

I smiled and nodded at her, I sad bye to Frank and Curtis, apologised to them both and went to pay for my tab before leaving.

I cannot believe I had to endure sitting there with such an obnoxious prick.

Little Miss CEO Part 2

#billy russo x reader #Billy Russo Imagine #Billy Russo #Punisher #jigsaw #Billy Russo Fic #Frank Castle #curtis hoyle #karen page #The Punisher #Little Miss CEO

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bucky-smiles · 7 years ago

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In His Arms

Requested by an Anon: Can you do a fic with Spencer in which the character has been sexually abused and has never told anyone but she works in the BAU and her nightmares have been getting worse and she physically looks worse but she finally confesses to someone (Spencer) what happened to her and he comforts her? I understand if you feel uncomfortable writing this sort of thing

Warnings: Mentions of sexual abuse, PTSD from sexual abuse, anxiety

Note: I’m sorry, this probably isn’t very accurate. I haven’t experienced what the character in this piece is going through so I hope the requester thinks I did it justice. Thank you for sending in this request and I hope it’s to your liking. To be honest, this had more to do with sleep deprivation than it does to do with sexual abuse and I apologize because that isn’t what you asked for. I just.. I’m not exactly sure how to write this all so yeah :/

You knew it hadn’t been your fault. What happened to you in college was a crime and justice had been sought out against the perpetrator who caused all of those awful things happening to you. After the court case you found yourself at the FBI Academy and now, after working 3 years on one of the other teams at the BAU, you’ve been moved to the Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner’s team.

You already knew most of the team by first name having talked with them in the bull pen, walking around the building, coffee shops, as well as the FBI galas, so seeing everyone again was a pleasant event when you walked into the briefing room. You took a seat next to Spencer, the team member that you knew best from all of the late nights as well as the love for excessive sugar in coffee that the two of you share. He offered you a warm smile although it held a mild amount of concern at the sight of the dark circles under your eyes. On your last case before you switched teams, the unsub was a man who pulled many similar stunts to what your abuser did to you in college. The entire fiasco caused many old and suppressed memories to come back to you, now either keeping you up at night or waking you up through the night.

Your first case with Aaron Hotchner’s team went well. You were welcomed as an official member and everything seemed to be okay. But the dreams wouldn’t stop coming. To make it all worse, your lack of sleep was making your interactions with the team complicated as well. On the third case, you ended up arriving late having slept in too much from the lack of sleep earlier in the night. On the 6th case, you snapped at one of the officers who you claimed was being paid too much after he said one thing. Lack of sleep made you irritible and while everyone knew that something was wrong, Spencer was the one who spoke to you about it on occasion. You’d just brush him off saying that you didn’t sleep well because you’d drank too much coffee the night before, a lie that he obviously didn’t believe. However, he didn’t want to press in places that he shouldn’t so he’d back off when you told him to.

However one day, the lack of sleep had become too much for you. You’d maybe gotten done with your 15th or 20th case when everything simply snapped around you. You’d decided that staying at work was better than going home and ended up falling asleep on one of the files you were supposed to be working on only to be shaken awake 4 hours later by Spencer’s warm hand, “Y/N! Wake up! It’s 7 in the morning! Why didn’t you go home?”

Of course it was in the middle of the same dream, the one where your abuser is running his hand up the side of your body to your shoulder as he kept your mouth covered with a calloused palm, so when you woke up, you screamed loudly, only calming down when you realized it was Spencer before breaking out into an uncontrollable amount of sobs. Spencer was quick to react, dropping his bag to the side before kneeling in front of you, taking your hands in his as he spoke in a distressed tone, “Y/N? What happened?” His voice was laced with guilt, obviously thinking that he was the cause of your tears. Oh, if only you could calm down enough to tell him that it wasn’t him and that the ghosts from your past are coming to haunt you. All you could do was shake your head, unable to speak because the tears wouldn’t stop coming.

Spencer sighed quietly, pulling away to text Hotch that both you and him would have the day off today. He proceeded to remove his cardigan sweater, setting it around your shoulders before closing the file on your desk and grabbing your bag as well as his, helping you up before directing you to the elevator and from the elevator to his car. Even though the ride was short, you fell asleep only to be woken up ten minutes later by Spencer, who was being much more hesitant now so as not to cause another outburst.

Everything seemed to be a blur after that until you were sitting on his couch, wearing a set of his pajamas, wrapped in his blanket with a warm cup of soothing tea. Spencer was sitting in front of you, watching with worried eyes as yours drifted around, not settling anywhere for too long.

“Y/N, you need to relax and sleep...” Spencer’s voice was quiet, as if he was two millimeters away from breaking the glass that’d cause you to break once more.

You shook your head quickly, getting your point across, “The nightmares won’t stop, Spencer.. I can’t.. They won’t go away now...” Your voice was full of fear and defeat as you spoke, taking a tentative sip of your drink afterwards.

He leans back in his seat lightly, his leg bouncing lightly as he spoke, “Nightmares?”

You nodded slightly, adjusting slowly so as not to spill the tea and to get more comfortable, “When uhm.. In my last year of college, I was at a club for a friend’s birthday party.. And I was chatting up this guy..” You were quiet as you began to speak of your past, the tears pricking at your eyes almost instantaneously. Able to tell where this story was going, Spencer got up, moving to your side before tentatively wrapping an arm around your shoulder in an attempt to be comforting. You leaned into his touch slightly before continuing, “He.. He was nice at first and he bought me a couple of drinks.. Well uhm.. One of those drinks.. He put something in it.. And then he took me to the alley right next to the club.. He..” The tears began to spill as your voice cracked, unable to finish your words. Spencer simply pulled you closer, rubbing your arm gently. You cried for a little bit, hating the feeling of helplessness that you were getting.

Spencer spoke softly after that, letting you cry for a few moments and only bringing it up when you were calm once more, “Who else knows?”

You cleared your throat, pulling away lightly and taking another sip of the warm liquid in the mug you were holding, “You,the friend who was able to get me to the police in time to prosecute the.. Animal that did this to me.. And the superiors because they had to do a background check on me when I first joined,” You glanced at Spencer as you spoke quietly. You never knew that you could feel so vulnerable around him.

After you finish speaking, Spencer simply pulls you closer to him for a gentle hug, rubbing your back as you did. “Thank you for trusting me, Y/N... We’ll figure something out.. Something that can get you to have a proper full night of sleep.”

You enjoyed the comfort of the man’s arms around you, setting the mug away as you returned his hug, closing your eyes as you did, “Okay..”

Let’s just say that that night, you did sleep well. You slept through the entire night without any fits. Of course, it was only because you fell asleep in Spencer’s arms.

Taglist::

@welp-there-it-is @cvffeestars @the100riverdalewrites @criminal-anatomy @mentallydatingspencerreid @theofficeofsupremegenius @bitchinprentiss @spencerthepipecleaner @criminal-navy-writings @fl0werb0nes18 @thematthewgraygube @badasprentiss @unwrittenheartbreak @dontshootmespence @stunudo @veroinnumera @jazz91121 @ssa-aaronhotchner

#request #spencer reid #doctor spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid reader insert #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #reid x reader #bau x reader #bau x you #bau #bau fanfic #bau fanfiction

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kitchsykitchenwitch · 7 years ago

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TW: Religion. My personal experiences with mental health, psychiatric hospitalization, and suicidal ideation/attempts. Some mild discussion of the current political climate.

So, this is a half-cooked essay I’ve had rattling around my head for a couple of years now, but hadn’t really found a good time to write it all out. After watching the Jesus Christ Superstar Live special today, I think now is as good a time as any to put this out in the world. Please not the aforementioned trigger warnings, and also be advised that this is probably gonna be a bit ramble-y and not the best written piece on the interwebs.

***PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OF THE JCS LIVE SPECIAL!***

Some background on me. I am an atheist who grew up in a Catholic family, and I struggle with C-PTSD and bipolar II disorder (which weren’t properly diagnosed until about four and two years ago, respectively), as well as chronic autoimmune and pain conditions. When I was a kid, every year during Lent, my mother (a theater junkie) would play both the soundtrack and 1973 movie of Jesus Christ Superstar. The original soundtrack has always had some sentimental value to be because of this.

A quick aside on my faith, or lack thereof. I never considered myself a very strong Catholic. Fortunately, I grew up in one the lucky few liberal Catholic families, and was always taught to think for myself and question everything. My questioning of religion first started when I was in fifth grade, and became very interested in Greek mythology, which soon expanded to Norse and Celtic myths as well. I loved the stories and fables, and it didn’t take me long to draw the parallels to Christianity and Catholicism. I began to think to myself, if these stories aren’t true, then why is Catholicism the one true way? I also struggled with prayer and forming that “personal connection to God” that my youth leaders insisted I must develop. I grew up in a turbulent, and at times, abusive home, and my pleas to find some peace were, of course, left unanswered. I struggled for years thinking that there must be something I was doing wrong, or something inherently wrong and broken about me as a human being. This added to the depression that I struggled with as an adolescent, but I kept my reservations to myself out of fear of alienating my family and friends in the Church. Eventually, I found myself sitting on the agnosticism fence, finally making the jump over to atheism about a year and a half after I graduated college. I discovered that I found more sense of worth and fulfillment in taking responsibility for my own actions and accomplishments, more agency and knowledge in the presence of evidence and facts, and far more comfort in the love of those here with me in the physical realm. For a long time, Jesus Christ Superstar and any other remnants of religious music fell off of my playlists for many years as I came to terms with my beliefs.

A couple of years ago, as I was building a Broadway playlist on Spotify, I decided to put the original soundtrack on and see how it played to me as both an adult and a critically thinking atheist. I was expecting to experience that nostalgia that I spoke of earlier, but I was not prepared to be emotionally bowled over at the realization that this is a story of not only faith, but of struggle with mental illness. I mentioned this to my mother after my revelation, and she told me that she wasn’t surprised. I didn’t know this, and some of you may not either, but she told me that when the show first premiered, there was a lot of push-back and anger because people didn’t approve of such a raw, radical and purely human portrayal of their Messiah, preferring the calm beatific and self sacrificing demigod of their scriptures. Listening to it now after being on both the loved one of someone who is mentally ill, and being a mentally ill person myself, I found myself relating to the characters in whole new ways that felt absent before, and it completely flipped the traditional Passion story on its head for me.

I’m going to take the soundtrack (nearly) song by song and give my thoughts. The ones that are irrelevant to the overarching themes I mentioned, I will skip over. I’ll also provide YouTube links to the ones I do delve into.

Heaven on their Minds

Even though I’m an atheist, and one would think I’d relate to him more because of this, this is the only song in the show where I truly sympathize with Judas. I look at this song through the lens of watching an older family member struggle heavily with bipolar I disorder, which was left untreated for many many years. This came into stark focus for me when I reached adulthood and the two of us became much closer. He is hands down the most intelligent and one of the most empathetic people I have ever met in my life, but the flights of mania, ego and rage and the crushing depression he experiences has a major impact on everyone who loves him. I struggle with this as well to a lesser degree, and being on both sides of this coin, I really do sympathize with those who love someone with this disorder. The struggles we go through can leave us hyperfocused on ourselves, forgetting that the people who care about us are also deeply hurt and concerned for our safety and well being. Judas is begging for Jesus to take a step back and look rationally at how his (in Judas’ perception) egotistical and selfish actions are harming himself and those around him, imploring that he still admires him and cares for him as a person, but eventually ends the song in frustration as he realizes that his friend will not listen to him.

What’s The Buzz/Strange Thing Mystifying

I had two major thoughts on this song, and I’ll go through them separately.

This song is where my sympathy for Jesus begins and for Judas comes to a screeching halt. Judas proves himself to be a misogynistic prick as Mary Magdalene attempts to provide some small comfort to Jesus as he is growing more and more frustrated with his disciples. The slut shaming rubs me absolutely raw, and if I had been in that situation, I would have jumped down his throat just as Jesus did.

The second takeaway from this is that this is where I see parallels to mental illness start to take root in the show. Depression lies. Depression will tell you that nobody in your life truly cares about you, and that they will all leave you alone in the end.

“I'm amazed that men like you Can be so shallow, thick and slow There is not a man among you Who knows or cares if I come or go!”

This, obviously, leaves his friends reeling, and they beg of him, how can he possibly say that about them? He doubles down with the final lash out of “Not one, not ONE of you!” I have similarly lashed out at those who mean the most to me when in the depths of a depressive low. Thankfully, my circle understands that when I say things like that, it’s not truly me, but the monster that lurks within me that I usually keep quiet and calm in the back of my mind.

Everything’s Alright

Judas, buddy, you really lose me here. He turns from slut shaming and goes into full on neurotypically ableist fuckery. The is implication that his friend doesn’t deserve a few small comforts because there is some greater cause that must be served, and that he should suck it up because there are people who have it worse.

Jesus, in response, reminds him that there will always be people in the world who have it worse and who are suffering. This is a concept I struggled with for years. I would always minimize my pain by saying “Well, it could always be worse.” This kind of thinking just led to more self-berating, beating myself up when I couldn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps and force happiness into my chemically-misfiring brain. And here he takes another emotional dig, saying that Judas better shape the fuck up, and leaves the vague threat of suicide hanging over his head as another lashing out, which I have also done in my worst moments of pain and despair.

Mary, bless her, proves herself to be the true caring partner as she swoops back in to attempt to soothe him to sleep, wanting to provide some form of comfort to the man she loves.

This Jesus Must Die

When this essay first started taking shape in my head a couple of years ago, I wasn’t planning on including this song.

Then the election of 2016 happened.

I won’t ramble on too much on this one since it doesn’t directly tie in to the overall themes I outlined earlier, but I’d feel remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the indirect connections.

The disturbing trend of othering, tribalism, and white supremacy that has taken hold in the US can be seen in the lyrics of this song. The willingness to outright harm and even murder those who are different because of ignorant fears of having their way of life destroyed is as much a problem today as it was then. This affects all who don’t fit this mold: POC, non-Christians, women, LGBTQ+ folks, the disabled, and, you guessed it, the mentally ill. It’s chilling to see these attitudes, which these types of Christians claim to revile when speaking of the priests and pharisees in the Passion story, so thoroughly inform their worldview and morals. It makes me feel physically ill to see this happening.

Simon Zelaotes/Poor Jerusalem

Oh Simon. You are that one “friend” or family member that every mentally ill person has. The one who thinks they have all the answers. The one who gives you all kinds of unsolicited “advice” and tells you how you should think and act, because that’s how things are gonna get better for everyone else (oh and I guess you too). This isn’t one of my favorite songs, so I’m gonna end it here for this one.

The Temple

This is more regarding the second half of the song, when the lepers are demanding that Jesus heal them. This one resonated deeply with me. I am a very empathetic person, and I also have a very hard time saying no to people. I want to help as many of my friends as I can and make them happy. The problem is, I don’t always know how to turn that off, and I end up overextending myself with either physical demands or emotional labor. When Jesus cries “There’s too little of me,” I felt that on a very personal level, as I have said similar things when I take on too much. He finally breaks down and snaps, screaming at them to heal themselves. Again, I have expressed similar thoughts when I reach my limits and break.

Everything’s Alright Reprise

I Don’t Know How to Love Him

The story now shifts the focus from the mentally ill individual to the partner/spouse/caregiver of the one who is ill. This is SO important. It’s very easy for our caregivers to stay silent and power through for our sake, while they slowly burn out trying to help us and to continue to live their lives. They tend to stay in the background, shouldering enormous tasks, and very rarely do they receive help that they badly need.

Mary does her best to calm Jesus, keeping on her smile until he falls asleep. Once her job is complete for the evening, she goes off by herself to vent her fears and frustration into the ether. She loves him, but at the same time, he deeply frightens her. That monster that lurks in us is scary, and not just for the person who is ill. It reaches out and threatens everyone that the person loves, and for those who don’t know what it’s like to have that in your head 24/7, it’s terrifying. But who does she tell? Who else could possibly understand? So she just lets her fears out to no one but herself, and at the end, collects herself and goes back to work.

Damned For All Time / Blood Money

Some of my sympathy for Judas comes back in this one, but only but so far. Being the friend who realizes that someone they care about may truly be out of control and a danger is a terrible position to be in. Do you call the police and have them involuntarily committed? Or do you keep trying to fix things yourself? It is never an easy call to make. He handled it EXTREMELY poorly though.

The Last Supper

This is where everything goes to hell and falls apart. Jesus and his friends gather together for one final meal, but his mind is already far afield with self destruction and suicidal ideation. Right off the bat, he makes throwaway comments about his friends’ apathy.

“For all you care, this wine could be my blood. For all you care, this bread could be my body.”

His own apathy launches back into anger as he spits:

“I must be mad thinking I'll be remembered - yes I must be out of my head! Look at your blank faces!

My name will mean nothing Ten minutes after I'm dead!”

The group immediately launches into rebuttals and reassurances. Judas is finally fed up with his friend taking his anger out on everyone and speaks up, telling him that he has alerted the authorities. Jesus doesn’t care and goads Judas into blowing up at him and basically telling him to stop being a dramatic asshole. This is behavior I have both witnessed in others and done myself in my angry/manic swings. You think so little of yourself that you think you have deluded your friends into thinking you are a good person, so the addled logical next step is to make them understand just how bad of a person you truly are and shove them away, violently if necessary. Judas takes the bait and flees, while the rest of the group tries to placate their friend with, what we would perceive as empty, platitudes and optimism.

Gethsemane

The similarities to this song and my own inner dialogue when I struggle with suicidal ideation are staggering to me. The exhaustion, the “Am I really this worthless?” and “Maybe the world would be better off without me” statements, looking to lay the blame on someone else, wanting someone else to do the deed for you because you don’t have the guts to do it yourself, rage at a spiritual figure that you feel either doesn’t exist or doesn’t care. That was like a swift punch to the gut. I never thought that as an atheist, I would relate so heavily to the character of Jesus, but this song drove it home for me that I really do, and that it’s not a bad thing, and that I can relate to him as a person without it having to be a religious experience.

Pilate and Christ

Short blurb for a short song. I view Pilate as the role of the medical professional who is dealing with a particularly difficult case. In this first appearance, he takes on the role of the apathetic doctor that all of us neurodivergent individuals fear we will get, someone who really takes no interest in your problems and instead kicks you to the mercy of another office or the insurance company.

Could We Start Again Please

This is another one that speaks to me on a deep, personal level.

“I've been living to see you Dying to see you but it shouldn't be like this This was unexpected, what do I do now? Could we start again please? Could we start again please? I've been hopeful so far Now for the first time I think we're going wrong Hurry up and tell me, this is all a dream Or could we start again please? Could we start again please? I think you've made your point now You've even gone a bit too far to get your message home Before it gets too frightening, we ought to call a halt So could we start again please?”

These are very similar to what my husband said after my suicide attempt. He told me that he felt like the whole thing was a nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from. He told me that he was terrified, and that he wished there was a way to do a hard reset on everything. He told me that he wanted to help me, but that he didn’t know how to even begin to do that. Fortunately, with lots of therapy, we have been making it work, but that was his first experience with serious mental illness. When I was in psychiatric hospitalization, these points came up yet again, as he had never experienced this and didn’t know how to handle someone he cares so deeply about be committed and see the bad and good that goes with it. It’s all scary as fuck, and this is why our caregivers need support and love and someone to talk to as well.

Judas’ Death

Again, keeping this one short. The regret train rolls into the station as Judas realizes that maybe he made a mistake. I’ve heard fellow patients in hospitalization say this about loved ones who had them involuntarily committed. When they make the call, they think it will be a few days in the hospital and bam! You’re cured! They end up coming to the horrible realization that psychiatric hospitalization is difficult, scary, and at times, dangerous. Some people step up to the plate and help their loved ones through it, while others balk at what they’ve done and bail completely.

Trial Before Pilate

We come back to the doctor/patient metaphor with this song, this time with Pilate taking the role of the doctor who genuinely wants to help a patient, but the combination of the patient’s complete apathy/desire for self destruction and pressures put on by outside forces (like overwork, various bureaucracies, and bullshit from insurance companies) force their hand into making the harsh call of commitment. Pilate realizes that since Jesus refuses his help and also refuses to help himself, he has to make the hard call. I have been in the position of having a doctor ask me questions to help, and I basically told them to fuck off. Doing so forced the issue of hospitalization (which, by the way, I’m not directly comparing to a death sentence, just pointing out connections that I see).

This is an inelegant collection of the thoughts and emotions that this show creates within me. I’m not really sure how to close this out, now that I’ve finally written down the comparisons and analysis that has been in my head every time I’ve listened for the last couple of years. It feels good to get it out, even if the writing doesn’t flow very well. So there you have it. How a mentally ill atheist can still find meaning and their own story in a work of entertainment based on religion.

#jesus christ superstar #broadway geek #mental health #mentally ill

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mir-katnip · 8 years ago

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Me; A History

Feel free to ignore this, unless you want to gain insight into my madness. It is very long - but I need some catharsis. I think, over the years, I have honed what I like to refer to as "Diplomatic Indifference" My mother likes to call it sociopathy, I imagine she'd know. I was (allegedly) a wretched child with too many emotions, and my mother, after divorcing my brother's father, and dealing with mine almost dying, found childhood behaviors reprehensible. It did not help, that I was immensely charming with strangers, (A trait which I inhereted from both my parents) and a bit too clever for my own good... My dad read to me every single night, I could recognize words on sight at 16 months of age. I remember being so thrilled with myself, at that age, spelling "THE" with those stupid alphabet magnets. It thrilled my father too. I was reading children's books by age three, "chapter books" by four, by eight I had devoured The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, and Hitch Hiker's Guide. I was fully aware of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I had thorough hatred for repetition in writing. At 9, I began my first novel. I remember almost everything about it even today. You see, because I was cleverer than most my age, it was expected, that I behave the part - without being a smart-ass. I look at it now an realize that I was never allowed to actually be a child. It was unacceptable, and every action that was in way child-like was looked at as a slight against nature. Yes I "got into things" as she put it, and yes, I would lie. But all kids do this... The family therapist did all the tests imaginable, and it was determined that I was intelligent, and maybe a little weird. "Weird" was my official diagnosis. I was bullied relentlessly by my peers... I had few friends, but I never cared until they started taking away my books because an 8 year old should not be reading anything more advance than Judy Bloom. My homeroom teacher for third grade was... well, lets just say we had direct access to an unused chem-lab, and he had a fucked up way of "punishing" the girls. I was easily bored with his class, and would frequently fail to turn in my homework... This was cause for "punishment" at least twice, that I fully recall. (FFS I was 8, it was horrid, and I didn't know it was unapproved methodology) That was the year the anxiety problems began oddly enough. I refused from then on to participate in any classroom activity that required me to be actively social with my teachers... The bullying sinched my dislike for my peers. I withdrew and found other ways of being mischivous at home. This led to my mother's tried and true discipline of restriction and copying the bible. Word for word... Needless to say, this only helped to spur my desire to write. I would steal pages out of the back of the notebook and use the tiny sliver of light that came into my bedroom from the street lamp, to write in the dead of night. Thus began the severe insomnia. I was over-protected. If I had friends, I was never to give them our phone number. I could never attend birthday parties, or other events. I was socially alienated from the world at an age when I should have been acquiring social skills. Until college, it is safe to say my only friend was my dad. High school, proved to be further traumatic. I was terrified of it before I even started. My older brother had taken up alcohol, weed, and self-harm in high school. But nobody bothered to notice until things went too far. Oddly enough, instead of screaming like a banshee at him, she sat on his bed and cried with him. Being asthmatic, I had simple triggers that would land me in the hospital, allergy, exercise, stress... High school was endlessly stressful. I had a math teacher (also the football coach) who thought that cussing in class made him cool, made the students like him. I found it to be stupid and distracting. But I mentioned it to the school councelor once, and he decided to single me out by name, as if I wasn't a social paraiah already. Then there was the history teacher, with whom I bantered in class. He seemed to appreciate my intellect, and a well formed debate. One day he kept me after class and I missed my bus home... he offered to drive me home. I was of course apprehensive, thankfully he asked me to take the roll sheet to the office, where I attempted to contact my mother. She didn't answer. So I tried my brother, but his room-mate and best friend (Who is now my only brother - the real one joined a cult and disowned us.) Answered, he offered to come get me. I went back to the classroom to retrieve my belongings. I told the teacher I had procured a ride home, to which he responded "Well then, I hope we don't find you chopped up in little bits in a ditch somewhere." This effectively drove me to making myself ill, I wound up in hospital for three weeks, being unable to breathe. I eventually wound up being on Independant Study for the remainder of my high school career. Which suited me well enough, I learned better on my own, and what I couldn't do alone, my father taught me. But this further secluded me from social norms. I was with my mother 24/7 which was never good, as neither of us could manage being in the other's company longer than 10 minutes without some sort of verbal sparring. I did graduate several months early, which wasof course lovely for me if not for anyone else. Now my psychiatric history, is far less telling about myself... I started therapy at age 11, and again the official diagnosis was simply that I was clever, creative, and weird. "Of course I hear voices in my head... They are the characters I put to paper." When my mother decided that my child-like behavior was psychosis, she took my to a psychiatrist... Clearly I needed to be drugged out of my skull. I was put on almost everything at one time or another, but nothing did anything except the anti-anxiety medications, which finally cornered my anxiety disorder. It was the antipsychotics which I should never have been on that really messed me up. I had been a wretchedly skinny child. Tall, but underweight. I was 5 foot 4 and only 86 pounds at point... But I was put on Welbutrin at 13 - in a matter of 9 months, I went from a size zero, to a size 12. In the next year between the drug, and puberty, I topped at a size 18. My own mother began to mock my weight, she attributed it all to my horrible eating habits alone. Eventually I began to refuse the medication, knowing full well that that was the cause of the weight gain. After several months of being off the drugs, I slimmed down to a size 9, for several years, and I was happy there. Unfortunatey, other things began to hit. I had begun to notice more that my mother mocked me at every turn, she freqently informed me that She might love me, but she doesn't like me. I was lonely, friendless, and sleep deprived. I became depressed, and more anxious than ever, but I still refused to be medicated. I followed in my brother's footsteps only as far as self-harm... when it was discovered my mother insisted I was doing it to get attention. She insisted, demanded and strong-armed me into being medicated again. (I never outgrew the self-harm "phase" I just got better at hiding it.) Eventually the norm became my masks and lies. There was nothing I hated more than being medicated. I attempted to be a social person, much to my own detriment. The only thing I managed to keep in check was my writing. My only solace. I joined a twitter RPG, and met a small circle of women, who became my chosen sisters. I was one of the youngest, but our youngest was only 18. Her name was Beth. Being as mine is Josephine, she and I formed an instant bond over the fact that we shared the names of the protagonist and her most beloved sister in Little Women. And truly that was our relationship. She was shy, and brilliant and perfect, and I would have done absolutely anything for her, as she kept my head on my shoulders. Beth's father died of cancer when she was only 5. Her mother physically and psychologically abused her until she finally left for University. I day I was only too happy to witness. We were as close as to people living on opposite sides of the world could be. She was my baby sister, and that was all there was too it. Unfortunately, just as in Little Women, I lost my Bess. IT hat been a bad year for her. First with her disappearance during the 2012 London Games. She had tickets and attended the opening ceremony, and suddenly dropped off the face of the planet for two weeks. We were naturally frantic. She eventually got back in touch once she "came too" she was somewhere well out of the UK, with no knowledge of how she got there, what had happened, or where she'd been. This episode managed to land her in a psychiatric hospital for three months. She hadn't been eating, thus diagnosed with an eating disorder, she told me, and I fully believed her, that she just forgot to eat most of the time because she was never hungry. She'd been drinking vodka like it was water, diagnosis - alcoholism. Eventually she went to a private psychiatrist who finally correctly diagnosed her with PTSD. Everything she'd gone through with her mother... even I had that diagnosis pegged, an that was before I adopted abnormal psychology and nursing as my major/minor. Her "boyfriend" at the time refused to research PTSD, and after the hospitalization, she was worse for wear. He had begun to treat her like a doormat, and eventually broke up with her because she wasn't feeling well enough to fuck him whenever he wanted it. The breakup was hard. She always wore her heart on her sleeve, and shared it openly with anyone who was kind to her. After that prick left, she became angry for a good while. Even she and I had a short falling out, because someone told her some lie about me. It eventually cleared up, when she started thinking straight again. Not long after, she met a nice young Scot named Thomas... he was good to her, he understood her illness, and he worshipped the ground she walked on. She was quite suddenly back to her sweet self. They weren't together long before he proposed, and she said yes. I was so pleased for her, just perfectly happy to see her FINALLY being loved the way she deserved. She went to his family's home in Scotland for Christmas, she said they were strange, but she loved them - and they her. On yule, she sent out her traditional Christmas emails. Regaling us with her adventures with her fiance. She sounded so joyous. On boxing day I recieved a message on facebook... Thomas told me she had passed away. I felt certain it was some sick joke, and ignored it for three days. I emailed, messaged, texted, called. To no avail... Finally I messaged Thomas back, asking if it was a joke, or if he had been hacked. He didn't respond. I rallied the forces, and we called around to her house-mates and got our answer. On the 23rd Tom and his parents went out, leaving Bess to relax a little. When they came home they found her on the floor, wrists slit. In February we managed to get all the details. Beth had decided to fogive her ex for treating her like shit while they were together, so she sent him a christmas email, like she did with all of us. He had written back to tell her that he never liked her, the only thing she had been good for was a quick shag, and a free meal. He told her he never wanted to speak to her again, and to stay out of his life. This pushed her over the edge... He killed her. Gods help me that BOY never wants to meet me in a dark alley, or a brightly lit police station. Because my reaction will be the same in either place. If his head remains on his shoulders, his own prick will be jammed down his throat... In one swift motion I lost my baby sister, my best friend, my editor, and my co-author. I was in hysterics. I could not be consoled. I was screaming and sobbing for days. They nearly had me committed (sectioned) I stopped writing, nothing that came out was any good. And I didn't have my sounding board anymore. It's taken me five years, to even get back to fan fiction - forget original work - I doubt I'll ever get back to that, heartbreaking though it is. Lately I've been more anxiety-ridden than I have been since I was a teenager. I've fallen to a desperate need for anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, my sleep is more erratic than I can ever remember it being, when I do sleep I'm generally plagued by nightmares. My body is failing me, I'm in constant pain, I can't seem to find any job locally, my medical licenses have lapsed, because I can't afford my CEU's and the renewal fees. I'm living with my parents, which makes the anxiety and depression worse. I have no friends - and gods help me I think I'm embracing my mother's diagnoses of me, because the only way to stay sane is to try not to care. I am a wreck. I'm miserable - and I have no one. Yet I keep on, because there are people who have it worse... there is always someone worse off. Despite the mask, I always care about everyone else. Whether they care about me or not.

#catharitic journal entry #bullshit #personal history #Oh just ignore it

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