#tell me why i have the stupidest of stupid in my honors English and then the smartest fucking juniors in my geometry

[bugbxyjunk]

geometry is too fast paced, English is too slow. Geometry is a regular class, English is honors. tell me how the fuck this makes sense?

[babyeijra]

Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert

January 22, 2021

Okay, so it’s been a while since I last made an entry in this blog

I feel like I had to write something about what happened today because I wanted to get over something that I know will bug me if I don’t vent it or say anything about it.

I have always known that I have social phobia. Even without being clinically tested or what do you call it, psychological testing or diagnosis from a professional(?), I know I have social anxiety. I just don’t know what degree, but I know it’s there. Since elementary and high school, I was a quiet kid. I never speak unless spoken to, I don’t even interact with relatives, cousins, or strangers I just met. I have always been like that. I was afraid to be called in class, I get mental blocks when I get called even when I know the answer (this really happened), that’s why I don't participate in class recitations, and activities (unless forced). If I get called, my mind blanks, my heart pounds so hard, and I could feel the blood rush through my whole body and to my brain. Then if I stutter, I feel like I don’t know what I was saying, l feel like I’m being laughed at secretly and I would think of it hours, even days after what happened. And I learned that by writing it and reading more about my condition, and reading from other people’s (with social anxiety) experiences, that’s when I could get past one mistake or move on from my shame. When I read that there are others just like me and have experienced what I went through or going through, is only when I could move on from ONE mistake. But then, until when am I going to be like this? I honestly thought I got passed this social anxiety. That what I had was just acute social phobia, nothing too serious, that I will not experience anxiety to my adulthood, that I could now proceed of dreaming to be a lawyer since I passed high school, college, and now a CPA working in the government. I got passed a lot of interviews when I was just trying to find work as a fresh graduate. I thought, maybe nervousness during interviews, or presentations is just normal?

But now that I think about it, I had always needed days, even weeks of preparation and practice to get passed simple interviews. I had always had sleepless nights thinking of the days of interview. In high school I had always needed to study 5 times, even 10 times harder just so I wouldn’t get left behind, because I lack class participation. I always though I was stupid or stupidest person in class, I had always envied my classmates who can get through being called and being made to stand to answer and yet giving the wrong answer, because they seem like they were answering a question like it’s nothing, being called to stand is nothing, reporting in front of class is nothing, speaking and interacting with others is nothing. But for me, it’s not a simple “nothing”. I would think about it, I would remember my embarrassment when I stutter, or get mental blocks and gave the wrong answer, I would remember the judging stares (my mind probably had created).

I could recount, even today, how my high school English teacher, embarrassed me had called me to answer the last question, in front of everyone. The previous questions I had mentally answered and got them all right, after they were discussed or when my classmates had got it also right after they were called to answer. It was coincidental or I don’t know, that the last question was given to me. I had already made up my mind on the answer to the last question before being called. But when I was called, I don’t know what happened. My mind went black, and every symptoms of a social anxious person (from what I read from others’ experiences), I had really felt. I missed to give the right answer which I had already made up before. It just went away, I tried many times and I still had given a different answer, During that time, I really forgot what I answered in my head.  Didn’t I say, I went blank? And so this teacher made it worse by saying,  “If you got the highest score in the exam, you have to prove it, otherwise I would think you cheated” (nonverbatim). Okay now that I think about it, was she allowed to say that to a student? (I want to know the answer to this). I felt embarrassed then, but no one can deny the fact, that I did get the highest score on her exam. I really studied hard (like five times hard) and I listened well in class in high school and not because I wanted to compete with others, but I really had an interest to learn, and I also thought I was stupid and might fail (because of my lack of participation) that’s why I had to recoup by studying. I had the lowest self confidence and self esteem then. It was the lowest of the low. Surprisingly, actually, I graduated high school as salutatorian, and I dreaded it. I never wanted to be salutatorian. I never want to make a speech in front of many people, on the stage in an open space, at the University Quadrangle. I thought, maybe I’ll just get the “1st honorable mention” (3rd in the batch) or even 5th place, because I knew, what would pull me down (even though I sometimes or often times get the highest scores in exams and quizzes; Math, Science, Physics, and others included. Okay maybe except Filipino) was my lack of participation.

But yeah. Surprised? I was the salutatorian? Although it made me proud after I learned this from our class adviser (also our trigonometry teacher), but the next second I felt was, dread. “Oh shoot! I had to make a speech. I had to speak in front of everyone!”. Did you know, I even cried inside the Teacher’s room, in front of all the teachers, when we, I and another classmate who was the valedictorian, was asked to rehearse our speech in front of them? I was so nervous, I was crying while I was trying to speak (and the tears were not happy tears). I was so nervous that it made me cry. Can you imagine that? And you know what, the teachers actually thought? That I was crying because of happy tears, but I said to them, it’s because, “Gina kulbaan ako”(I’m really nervous). I should tell you, that when I said “crying”, I was spasm-sobbing (you know that sound you make when you cry, you get breathing spasms or hiccups) and had runny nose. I was a mess inside that teacher’s room. When I got out, my valedictorian classmate asked, “Ngaa nag hibi ka?” (Why did you cry). Yup, this happened. I need not relay to you what happened during the graduation. It would take up the time. Oh yeah!, I tried to think of ways to skip delivering the Salutatory Speech, like searching “how to get colds” so my voice will get coarse. I guess I would say, I never want to experience that (Salutatory Speech) again! And I had more also experiences in college. Like when we had to stand in front of the Audio Visual Room. And recite a (I think it was a long poem or verse). I was able to memorize it, but when I got in front. Well, you guessed it. I panicked and had a mental block. *sigh*

Wow, I actually made a long entry about my high school experiences as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert. I haven’t even gotten work experience yet. Huh!

I guess I need to let everyone first know the struggle of being a Socially Anxious Introvert from childhood experience POV, or what one feels like when speaking in front of everyone. So please, don’t judge this entry. What happened today, during our online Legal research class was, we had an oral exam about a hearing observation we had of a case. It was the easiest question by our Professor (who is a MCTC Judge) I think out of everyone’s. But I wasn’t prepared for the easiest question. I prepared for different questions and not the one she asked. So yeah, I blanked, stuttered and I guess and most probably flunked. Now you may be asking. Why did I enter Law School if I have a Social Anxiety? If you really read everything above, you’ll get the answer.

PS, I used at least 2 and a half hours of writing this entry. I have final exams next week. But I know I really couldn’t concentrate if all I think about was what happened 3 hours ago. I wanted to move on from a mistake and embarrassment. I really feel like and did sound stupid answering that SIMPLE question.

Now, what do you think? Should I give up Law School? Or try and conquer my fears in Law School? Do I even have a chance? Do you think I’m being brave? or being stupid for taking up Law but can’t even speak properly.

Any answer from anonymous person will be appreciated. Even if it’s a discouraging answer. I should accept the truth, whatever truths there would be. When I said, “don’t judge” I don’t mean it. Judge all you want really. It is the fact of the world. We even do it unconsciously.

PSS (is there such?), I have found a site (just now, while looking for pictures) that also talks about dealing with Social Anxiety in Law School (http://www.thelegalduchess.com/2018/08/dealing-with-social-anxiety-in-law.html). So I guess I’m not the only one. (by Sam Smith lol, unrelated content but still a good song). 

Will take time to read it. But, I need to study after this entry. (ugh! 😖The horror, I have a lot to cover for the finals and I have wasted so much time). I feel a lot better after writing this. So I guess it was not wasted time after all.

PPS: 12:17 am more than 4 hrs since my bad recit. I still can't concentrate. I have now been watching youtube about moving on from bad recits. I still cringe everytime I remember it, quite often. That's why I dont think I can remember what I read. Also, I'm writing this because I remember something. Studying harder is now 10 times harder to do in law school, especially if you are a full time, full load, working student. I couldn't prepare well for the next class, and I couldn't prepare for all possible questions as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert (which means all questions my mind could think of, because like I said, there'd be no time). And what makes it more embarrassing and humiliating, I have a classmate who is also a coworker (she's in a different work group) and her husband is also my coworker in the same work group.

[recentanimenews]

Bookshelf Briefs 9/5/17

Super mega briefs!

Aho-Girl, Vol. 2 | By Hiroyuki | Kodansha Comics -This is a 4-koma gag comic, so does not really rely on character or plot development. You just need funny gags. In this case, the gags rely on the main cast being absolute idiots. And to the manga’s credit, they are. If the cast were even a tiny bit less dumb, the whole series would merely be tedious. But everyone, especially the title girl, quadruples down on the stupidest possible outcome to any situation, and it just works. We do see a new girl here, who seems to like cute girls but may simply be as eccentric as everyone else. As for Sayaka, even given the fact that every gag comic needs a straight man, you still feel bad she’s in this series. Maybe she can go hang out with Nanase from Book Girl. – Sean Gaffney

Anne Happy, Vol. 6 | By Cotoji | Yen Press – Once again, there are hints that while the rest of the class has some random bad luck, Hanako’s bad luck—as well as her terminal case of Pollyanna optimism—may have a more sinister origin. I also get the sense, given the various hints we’re given in this volume, that their teacher is a former student of the unlucky class. In any case, we get the usual vague mixture of amusing and heartwarming, as Hibari thinks too much, Botan tries a bit too hard, and Hibiki is an absolute mess. I admit that I’m grateful for the hints of an ongoing plot regarding Hanako, mostly as otherwise this series doesn’t quite get along entirely on pure charm. You want it to be going somewhere, and for now I will trust that it is. – Sean Gaffney

A Centaur’s Life, Vol. 12 | By Kei Murayama | Seven Seas – Once again, I get the feeling that A Centaur’s Life is just a thin excuse for the author to do whatever he feels like doing every chapter. We get more action-packed dramatic flashbacks with death and maiming, framed as the cast visiting a natural history museum to look at their ancestors. We get romantic comedy hijinks, with crushes on guys and the like. We get more chapters that examine how typical Japanese events would work in the Centaur’s Life world, such as idol groups and faked ghost stories (or is it fake?). The best chapter in the book involves the cast having a mostly serious discussion on the concept of heaven, and why if you try to dig too deep to analyze heaven it just gets disturbing. As variable as ever. – Sean Gaffney

Chihayafuru, Vol. 4 | By Yuki Suetsugu | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – I love how Suetsugu-sensei uses Chihaya’s continued passion for karuta to get Arata to admit that he still loves the game. When they were kids, he was the one who introduced her to the game, and now she’s the one who brings him back to it, first by sending him updates on Mizusawa High’s progress through the Tokyo qualifiers, which has him refreshing his inbox every ten seconds for the results, and then by moving on to nationals at a venue that brings up memories of his grandfather. We learn more about what happened with his grandpa’s health, and it’s awful and sad, but learning that others look forward to seeing his grandpa’s style through him begins to clear up his guilt somewhat. Perhaps he can honor his grandpa best by continuing to play? I love this series so much. – Michelle Smith

Drifters, Vol. 4 | By Kohta Hirano | Dark Horse Comics – It has been three-and-a-half years since the last volume of Drifters came out in North America. That said, with a series like this I’m not sure it matters much. Sure, I’d forgotten literally everything going on in the previous books, and we don’t even get a ‘what has gone before’ page at the front. But I mean, this is Kohta Hirano. Is there lots of fighting? Oh yes. Some bloody killings? Definitely. Insane grins? By the bucketful. The whole manga is just an excuse for all of those things, and therefore it seems churlish to criticize the fact that the plot doesn’t really go anywhere, or that female characters are either absent or objectified. Recommended if you loved Hellsing, otherwise easily skippable. – Sean Gaffney

Food Wars!: Shokugeki no Soma, Vol. 19 | By Yuto Tsukuda and Shun Saeki | Viz Media – This volume is interesting, but it does give off a bit of a sense of filler, as we slowly advance through Azami’s plan to remake the school in his twisted image. Much to my surprise, Ryo’s battle does not go the way I assumed it would, and this leads to a number of satisfying scenes. There’s also the confirmation, which I think most readers have guessed by now, that Alice was in fact trying to contact Erina all along, and her letters were blocked all these years. The most dangerous battle may be the new one Soma has with #1 seat Tsukasa. They turn out to work very well together, almost like a well-oiled machine… which leads to Tsukasa offering to let Soma join Central. Some, of course, refuses… but will he regret it? Always good. – Sean Gaffney

Giant Killing, Vol. 5 | By Masaya Tsunamoto and Tsujitomo | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – East Tokyo United has lost the first several games of the season, and fans and management are starting to voice their displeasure. Now ETU is facing Nagoya, a team with three talented Brazilian players. But Tatsumi has spotted Nagoya’s one weakness and worked out a plan to exploit it. Seeing the team working together and their defense holding strong is a lot of fun, but their faces when they finally manage to score are the best bit. Tsubaki has talent, but he’s been inconsistent so far. Now, he seems to be playing without hesitation, and when he scores first ETU’s first goal, his expression conveys both his relief and a sense of atonement for past mistakes. There just seems to be more on the line than is usual in sports manga, and I was thoroughly caught up in the action until it was abruptly over. Highly recommended! – Michelle Smith

Kimi ni Todoke: From Me to You, Vol. 27 | By Karuho Shiina | VIZ Media – Inspired by Sawako’s ability to honestly discuss her thoughts and feelings, Kazehaya tries a similar approach with his gruff father concerning his university plans. The situation remains unresolved until Kazehaya’s mother tells him about a special drawer wherein he discovers that his father has saved everything Kazehaya ever gave him. “You do make your dad happy. You really do. He just doesn’t show it.” Sniff! I didn’t know I needed to see them achieve an understanding, but apparently I did. After Sawako makes her decision about where she’s going to school, the focus shifts back to Ayane and her heartache over Pin, who she is convinced will never look at her romantically. It’s great to see her feeling love, after she doubted that she could, whatever the outcome. This is still such a great series! – Michelle Smith

Kiss and White Lily for My Dearest Girl, Vol. 3 | By Canno | Yen Press – Shiramine and Kurosawa have entered their second year and evidently still aren’t a couple, despite the occasional smooch that transpires between them. Shiramine is still not particularly likable, but she’s a bit more tolerable this time around, and has managed to defeat Kurosawa by one point on an English exam. There’s some question about whether she herself is special, or whether Kurosawa would take anyone who could make her feel like a regular girl, but this question is answered when Kurosawa is roped into the gardening club due simply to sheer proximity and not for her talents. She ends up staying, and dragging Shiramine into it, but mostly the second half of the volume deals with the other two members of the club. Although it’s still not as good as some schoolgirl yuri I’ve read recently (Bloom Into You), I think this series might be improving. – Michelle Smith

Kuroko’s Basketball, Vols. 13-14 | By Tadatoshi Fujimaki | Viz Media – Seirin vs. To-Oh is the main thrust of this volume, and it’s just as exciting as you might imagine, even if it’s tough to find words to describe it. As with most sports manga, you tend to define it as “good sports happens in these pages,” so even in an omnibus I struggle to say much more than “wow, he really got stronger!” or “did you see that shot?”. There is a hot springs section at the start of the book, which gives the teams a chance to casually taunt each other before the game, and also some primo fanservice, exactly the sort that young boys will want to see. There’s also some flashbacks to Kuroko’s middle-school days, mostly to give more depth to Aomine. Basketball happens. But it’s really good basketball. -Sean Gaffney

Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic, Vol. 25 | By Shinobu Ohtaka | Viz Media – Well, we do get some Morgiana, my wish from the previous brief, but not a lot. Instead, Harukyuu is the focus of this 25th volume, which is both good and bad. Bad in that he turns to darkness, letting his anger rule him, mind-controlling soldiers and deciding murder is the best solution. Good in that the way this is handled turns out to be some of the best writing in the series, and a highlight of the volume. And honestly, if you’re going to try to murder someone, it’s hard to go wrong with his mother Gyokuen, who is smug in the best possible way, and even gets a few Higurashi faces here. (That’s her on the cover.) As for Alibaba, well, he’s headed over there, and I expect he and Harukyuu are going to clash horribly next book. – Sean Gaffney

My Love Story!!, Vol. 13 | By Kazune Kawahara and Aruko | VIZ Media – There are many shoujo romances that end with a reunion after a long separation, but My Love Story!! tackles this a little differently, showing us how tough the time apart was for Yamato and how hard she and Takeo are working to be able to get into the same college. Their romance stuff was nice, but honestly, the hero of the volume is Sunakawa, who keeps Takeo on track with studying, personally taking charge of his tutoring, and making good on a promise to smack Takeo if he ever does something really stupid. I loved that the creators took the time here at the end to emphasize what a special friend he is. I’ll miss this series, but Kawahara-sensei did say “it might be nice to write more of this story someday” in her final author’s note, so make of that what you will! – Michelle Smith

Pandora in the Crimson Shell: Ghost Urn, Vol. 8 | By Shirow Masamune and Rikudou Koushi | Seven Seas – Not as many amusing cameos this time around, and wrapping up one plot and starting another means there’s a lot of awkward transition in the middle. Also, we get more than one “activation” sequence, because kids these days can’t get enough of faux vaginal fingering. Still, I would hope kids these days would not be allowed anywhere near Pandora. The main cast does get to show off, and Nene in particular shows that she’s really something special even among this cast that seems to have a lot of special people and/or machines. Oh yes, and we also get a glimpse of the big bads, who combine Nazi imagery AND Illuminati imagery. If you like saying “wtf?” a lot, Pandora is for you. – Sean Gaffney

Vampire Knight: Memories, Vol. 1 | By Matsuri Hino | Viz Media – I will grant you that Vampire Knight left some open endings, and it’s nice to see those gone into. Still, when you see an author’s next series after their huge hit cancelled after two volumes, and then they return with a spinoff of that old series, it’s hard not to cringe. The best part of this book, even if it’s really bittersweet, is between Aido and Wakaba. It’s clear they both have deep feelings for each other, but it’s also clear that Wakaba does not want to be a vampire, and therefore this romance just isn’t going to happen. It’s an interesting look at the issues semi-immortality brings. The chapters with Yuki interested me less, mostly as they deal with her post-vampiric personality. VK fans will like this, most others will find it superfluous. – Sean Gaffney

By: Michelle Smith