#tell me this last year and i wouldve laughed

[xas24]

pedri being with y/ns family at an event and him just loving the way y/n interacts and talks to everyone, having santi all cuddled up next to him making him wanna start a family with her

admire you ~ pedri

summary: when watching y/n interact with her newborn niece, pedri can’t deny the feeling he gets of wanting to start his own family with her.

“¡no se dijeron nada más!” (they didn’t say anything else to each other!) santiago murmured to pedri, who sat next to him on the couch at his uncles house. the rest of the family was out in the backyard, whilst most of the kids huddled up in the living room to watch tv - pedri, weirdly, being one of them.

“that wouldve been close!” pedri replied back, the hint of a smile creeping up onto his lips.

“sííí! but i think she knows anyway, pedri. y/n was smiling at me in the car after.”

“it’s okay, she wouldn’t mind. maría is a nice girl, you’re great friends with her.” pedri said, recalling the information santi told him about his sister meeting with the girl in his class, maría, who pedri figured out is santiago’s little school crush. according to santi, y/n had seen them talking so she had walked over and said hello to maría.

pedri had laughed, loving the way santiago got so worked up and stressed over one little greeting between his sister and his crush. it was quite humorous, he was still so young and innocent and pedri couldn’t help pinching his cheek.

as if she knew they were talking about her, y/n walked into the living room in that moment. pedri, chuckling at something santiago had again worriedly whispered to him, looked up and he found himself sitting up in his seat when he saw her holding a little baby in her arms.

that must be her new niece, her cousins newborn that y/n was telling him about at home. he recalled y/n being so excited to meet her since she couldn’t see her cousin at the hospital when she gave birth.

pedri noticed the adorable smile on her rosy lips as she stared down at the bundle of blankets in her arms.

y/n briefly looked up to see her two boys sitting on one couch so she carefully made her way over. santi, watching his older sisters steps, moved to the other end of the couch so she could take a seat in the middle and he could comfortably look at the new addition to their family.

y/n sent pedri a cute smile as she sat down. pedri returned it casually, yet his heart was beating at 120 miles per hour at just the sight that he was taking in: his gorgeous girl with a beautiful little baby in her arms.

his hand came up to rest against her back and pedri and santi both leaned over y/ns shoulder to look down at the new baby girl.

“se llama adella.” (her name is adella) y/n stated, cooing down at the tiny bundle in her arms.

santi reached a hand up to softly stroke against her head, his fingers twitching as he tried to be as gentle as he could be, “es tan pequeña y bonita.” (she’s so small and pretty)

“sí, lo es.” (yes, she is)

santi retracted his hand and sent his new niece a tiny smile, “puedo cogerla?” (can i hold her?)

“have you said hello to ana yet?” y/n replied, referring to their cousin.

when santi shook his head, y/n nodded for him to go. “go greet her first, she’s been in a lot of pain these last few weeks, i think she will be very happy to see you.”

the ten year old nodded, “then can i hold her?”

when his sister nodded in response, he ran off to find his older cousin sister, leaving y/n and pedri alone in the living room - many of the other kids had ran off too. y/n turned to her boyfriend, noticing his silence only to see him staring intently at the baby.

she instantly knew the look in his eyes, the same look he stared at her with everyday, the same look he possessed when he was with santi, when he was with his family. the look of love and adoration.

y/n slowly rocked the baby in her arms, keeping her hands in a steady position as she tried to keep the newborn asleep. pedri stared at her actions, wondering how she knew what to do so well, how she was so good at this.

“what’s up?” she gently reached forward and nudged his shoulder with hers. when pedris eyes looked up to hers, his heart exploded with warmth and love and in that moment he knew all he wanted in life was her. he knew she was the one for him, to love, cherish, start a family with.

he couldn’t help when his face leaned forward and he planted a long, loving kiss on her warm cheek. he could feel her smile against his lips and he pecked the skin again.

“what was that for?” y/n sweetly smiled at him, his face so close to her she could feel his breaths intermingling with hers.

“nothing, i just love you.”

“don’t tell me you’re getting all sentimental just because i have a baby in my arms?” she joked, knowing that look all too well. she knew what a big heart he had, how much of a softie he really was at heart and she just knew his thoughts and feelings in this moment.

of course she knew, she could read him like the back of her hand, like an open book.

“of course not. that would be stupid.” he shrugged.

when she raised her brows at him is when he cracked a smile. his eyes lit up and his body crowded with heat, the warmth being displayed on his cheeks in a rosy colour.

his head fell onto her shoulder and he suddenly felt so giddy, high on serotonin, high on love. pedris brown eyes ran over the newborn in his girls arms, watching as she slightly babbled in her sleep, he observed her tiny hands with her tiny nails clustered in a fist and he couldn’t wait till it was his turn.

till this would be his baby in her hold, their baby. a symbol of their love.

“you just look so good with a baby in your arms. makes me look forward to our future.”

y/n smiled at him in awe, kissing his temple and enjoying the hand that he was smoothly rubbing up and down her back. she couldn’t wait either, for all the care and love and support that he would shower her in as she lay with her pregnant belly, swollen with their child, the way he would be so gentle with her, the way he would talk to her stomach, caress it.

he would be the best father ever, she just knew it.

but she also knew that now wasn’t the right time. their time would come eventually, and she would patiently be looking forward to it.

but right now, she savoured this look of tenderness in her boy’s eyes. the look she adored so much.

“me too. you’d be the best papi.” she playfully lifted her shoulder, making his head jump against her.

he chuckled, “you’d be the best mami.”

his hand carefully stroked against adella’s forehead. he watched as she stirred whilst his finger ran down the side of her warm little cheek and her small, button nose. pedris finger then returned to his lap and he turned his head to stare at his girl once more.

“and you’d be the most beautiful mami ever.”

[pumpkinsy0]

Okay kinda related to that one anon about papercut doing theater.... what if I said Pony in choir and hcs on this pretty please like how curly reacts to finding out how the GANG reacts and hcs on them coming to his choir concert *blinks cutely*

fun fact: i actually did do choir a few times so im basic pony off me here cause i feel like we wouldve felt the same exact way

•y did pony do choir u may ask??? the curtis parents put all their kids into extra curricular activities, and choir was just one of the things they pushed pony to do

•pony did choir 2 times in his life, once bc of his parents, the other bc of school!! the curtis knew pony did choir waayyyyy before curly did, they just never told him, so curly found out about pony in choir bc of this school performance but ill get to that later

•darry and soda were literally the only ones defending pony when they found out he was doing choir, everyone else was laughing at him, even johnny, what a snake💔💔

•YES pony had that robe at some point but he hattteeddd it bc his always stank and never fit him

•he didnt last long in that choir tho he hated it so bad and only actually did like one ACTUAL show w that choir, the curtis parents recorded it all and u can see pony just glancing at the camera here n there and wanting to die, hes so real for that

•u could also hear the rest of the gang giggling in it, and them being told to b quiet

•THANKFULLY pony doesnt exactly remember that day, bc after the show when it was time for him to go home they were DOGGING on him BAD, now that recording is basically lost somewhere in that house

•BUT NOOWWWW YEARS LATERRRRR he has to do choir bc his school offers music class or choir and he got pushed into the choir while curly did music

•curly knew that and when pony was in that class u could see curly at the door window grinning at pony and pony trying to not look at him

•considering two, johnny, n steve still go to school w pony, i think they found out and for sommeee reason they forgot pony did choir but finding out he was BACK in it made em remember and pony skips it now cause he’ll b DAMNED if he sang in front of em

•curly called pony princess after hearing him sing n it caught on w half the gang, its worse bc he cant transfer out the class, poor fella

•now the gang n curly couldnt rlly see pony perform the other shows he did, BUT there was one time the music teacher was making a show w BOTH the music and choir classes and it was a project grade so they all had to attend and dress nicely

•first it was the music class and THEN the choir and for the choir class they were doing popular songs so pony was even MORE embarrassed and trying to kid behind the other ppl but it didnt work much

•u couldnt hear pony but u could def hear steve and curly laughing together (thats how bad this is, theyre getting along) and two but acting like hes the maestro

•after the show at some point curly stole one of those roses they sold there and gave it to pony, talking about pony serenading him

•johnny and dally didnt go, neither did darry or soda, but they told em to tell them how it goes and THAT they will do

[indigobsessed]

I’ll come back.

pairing : min yoongi x reader (established relationship)

summary : your boyfriend, yoongi, just ended his final tour the other day. who wouldve known not even 24 hours later that his enlistment notice came out and you, his loving girlfriend, found out before he tells you about it.

genre : angst, fluff, a bit suggestive and yoongi being a comforting bf.

rating : SFW

warnings : mentions of military enlistment, crying, slight swearing

wc : 635 words.

a/n : ahh!! first (and last maybe..) post???:&/£/£ i hope you’ll enjoy this :) i’ll do a navigation soon hehe. other than that, im so sad that d-day tour has ended and yoongi’s leaving soon ugh :(. for references, you can check out the d-day vlogs, clips, etc :) not proofread, i think.

“MIN YOONGI!” You burst through the door of his studio after clicking on his passcode aggressively by muscle memory. Your boyfriend turned around his studio chair, staring at you with a puzzled look.

You stood at the door, your eyes filled with angry tears with your phone in hand, showing the military notice. That was until he realised about what he was going to tell you when he comes back to your shared home.

“Oh baby-“ He quickly got up to hold you, but you pushed him away quickly. “Don’t. Touch. Me.” You hissed. Yoongi sighed, knowing that you, his ever loving girlfriend of three years would take a while to fully take it in.

He slowly got up and closed the studio door behind you. Yoongi took your hand and lead you to sit down on his studio couch. You were still silent, not until Yoongi took you into his arms as you let out your tears. “I know, jagi, I know.” He soothed you, rubbing your back in small circles. Your tears staining his grey shirt.

“You promised to tell me Yoongi. I can’t believe I found out like this.” You sobbed out. “I thought we agreed to not keep secrets from eachother.” You continued, your voice shaky.

“Baby, listen to me. Look at me.” Yoongi called out to you in a stern yet soft voice. You pulled away, looking at him with tear-stained cheeks. He looks just as hurt as you. “We talked about this, I know that. But fuck, my love I didn’t even know how to tell you that it was coming soon. I just ended my whole tour yesterday.” He explained. “You didn’t give ARMYs a whole day, Yoongs.” You argued. “You didn’t even give me a day too. I knew it was coming but Yoongi, you didn’t have to remind me.” You continued.

“I know, all these 3 years of being with you and you’ve been there with me throughout everything and I can’t thank you enough. But I’ve let my postponement go on for too long, I have to go at some point too. The sooner I go, the sooner I come back remember?” Yoongi comforts you. Trying his best to calm you down.

You nod, understanding his explanation. “I know it’s my fault for not letting you know any sooner too. I know that it’s not easy to take in.” He rubs your arms. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry.” Yoongi apologised while peppering kisses on your cheeks.

Memories of the couple during Yoongi’s world tour flashes through your mind. The day out in Chicago, the small holiday in Phuket and diving. Shared kisses, meals and smiles. And intimate moments during the night. It all felt like a fever dream to you.

Tears streaming down your cheeks once more, trying your best to accept that time doesn’t freeze as you wish. “I feel like it’s just yesterday since you told me that you were going on tour, Min.” You said softly, cracking a soft smile at the memory. Both of you hugging and knowing that this will be one of your biggest memories with him. “I remember going on the flight to your first concert location. You were so excited to see your fans.” You giggled as Yoongi smiled apologetically to you.

“I’ll miss them so much too, jagi.” Yoongi spoke out. “And I’ll miss you the most too.”

Yoongi leaned in to kiss you on the lips softly.

“Promise me you’ll come back, or we’re gonna have issues.” You grumbled. It made Yoongi laugh softly.

“I’ll come back. To you, to my brothers, and to ARMYs. Safely.” He reassured you as he placed another comforting kiss on your lips.

He’ll come back safely. As he promised. He is a man of his words after all.

[sucker4sixx]

Raising hell

Pt. 11

Plot: your love for nikki gets alittle too real..

Warnings: rejection

You and nikki stumble back to his hotel after a night of drinking, he sings a romantic song while twirling you around like a ballerina, both of you laughing drunkly.

“Man that was a fucking.. good night” nikki slurs as he strips “one more show” you chime in as you both crawl into bed, his warm skin heating up your skin, cold from the night out in the town. “I cant believe it, it feels like we have been touring for years” you nod “one more show.. fuck” he mutters, wrapping his arms around you as he closes his eyes. You hear him snoring and whisper “i love you..”

You wake up beside nikki, hes still asleep but has a peaceful look on his face, you study it closer, his smile lines and wrinkles at his eyebrows look much more gorgeous than they would on anybody else. You gently stroke his hair, watching as his eyes flutter open, adjusting to the light from the window behind where you lay “morning..” nikki whispers, smiling at you sweetly “morning nikki” you whisper back, watching as the bassist moved forward to kiss you softly. “Your like my on-the-road boyfriend” you grin, nikkis cheeks going alittle red at the thought of being you boyfriend “well.. i.. i dont have a witty come back for that”

You both get up and get dressed, today the bands werent doing anything so they could have a rest day before the last show so its better than the rest. “What do you wanna do today?” Nikki asks, bringing a brush down to brush out your messy hair “can we go for ice cream?” You laugh, realising how childish you sound “of course babe”

You both sit at the parlour eating your icecreams, no one has recognised you yet so the quite is good, its a dull day but the weather is warmer than you expected. Nikki sits and watches you as you zone out, focusing on every detail in your face, etching them into his memory, he doesnt know what hes going to do when the tours done and he cant see you. “So what are you going to do when the tours done?” He asks, bringing you back to with a smile. “I dont know.. ill miss it, i know i will” he nods “me and the boys are going home to record some shit, i never get a break, its frustrating” he groans alittle, stopping when you take his hand “ill miss you.. so much, you dulled my worries” you smile “i think ill miss you more” you laugh alittle “if i heard myself saying that a month ago i wouldve had a heart attack” nikki laughs.

When you and nikki get back to the hotel you just lay and relax with him, hes reading a music magazine, going through the reviews of the tour as your hand softly strokes his chest. Its all too content.

It gets to the airport, the last day. you are all flying to LA to go home. “Hey babe” nikki wakes you up by scuffing your hair, smiling seeing your sleepy, puffy face “hey nikki” you yawn, resting your head back on his chest. “You ready to go home? To finally be rid of me?” He chuckles but you instantly feel your stomach drop, thinking about being without him, your hands instantly tightening slightly as if to keep him with you. Nikki feels your hands tightening and feels that same feeling in his stomach, noticing the small frown on your face that covers your usual bright smile.

When you get on the airplane nikki, for the first time, is seated away from you, not even in view. Your sat next to doug, the guitarist of whitesnake but he doesn’t conversate. You try to get nikkis attention but hes too far, everyone sleepy and quite, so unbelievably boring.

You spend the whole flight thinking of how to tell nikki you wanted more than just a stupid fling, you wanted to be his girlfriend but nothing comes to mind, it was too late for grand gestures or poems so you knew you had to make it raw. It takes till your at your separate cabs until you turn round.

“Nikki..” you grab his hand “hey.. is everything okay?” He smiles softly, stroking your hair as he sees the worry and slight desperation in your tired eyes “i.. i cant go without telling you how i feel. Nikki, im in love with you” he glances around to make sure no one can hear “i mean it, i dont know what ill do when your not here with me” nikki turns to you with a sad look “look.. it cant happen, we live very busy life styles, i can barely look after myself.. never mind you” tears well up in your eyes “please..” you whisper desperate, your self respect so low that youve resorted to begging. “No.. i need to go now” he mutters, letting go of your hand “nikki i love you!” He jumps into his cab without looking back..

@thebsttrashpanda

[vajazzly]

day 1: cooking together

kicking off good godfather sirius black fest with a raging new years hangover (the way sirius wouldve wanted) and some post-war sirius lives family feelings !!! @goodgodfathersiriusblack

one month after the battle of hogwarts, islington

When Sirius wakes up, it’s to the smell of bacon.

The Order has finally cleared out of Grimmauld Place, only Harry (and, occasionally, Ron and Hermione) remaining; today it’s just his godson in the house, he remembers. Last night, Harry woke up screaming twice. 

They’re holding it together, or something close to it.

He descends the stairs in his favorite robe, and the smell only gets stronger as he makes his way to the kitchen, vanilla and bacon and coffee. When he finally makes it to the kitchen Harry is standing at the stove, barefoot in his baggy muggle pajamas, the wireless on the counter turned down low, the weather report barely audible over the sizzling of no fewer than three pans.

“If I knew we were having company I’d have put on something more suitable,” Sirius says lightly, taking in the state of the kitchen table; there’s a quiche, and a stack of pancakes so tall it threatens to topple over, and fucking croissants - even when he was a boy he doesn’t think he ever saw a breakfast quite as elaborate as this in this kitchen.

“Sirius!” Harry says, turning around with a wide smile - there are shadows under his eyes, deeper than yesterday (though Sirius didn’t think it possible), and his hair’s even more of a mess than usual. “No company, I just, er…” he seems to take in the spread before him for the first time in its entirety, “Well, I’m tops at breakfast, so I figured I’d put something together. Sit down, bacon’s almost ready, and -”

“Why don’t you let me take over for a bit, hm?” Sirius says, as gently as he can manage. There’s a mostly empty mug of coffee on the counter, and he’d wager it’s not the first. He slides in next to his godson and plucks the spatula from his hand before he can protest.

“But-”

“No buts!”

“I was gonna-”

“Eat some of those croissants? I think that’s an excellent idea!”

Harry glares, and huffs, but eventually swipes his coffee off the counter and sits himself at the table; Sirius lets himself smile when he hears the tell-tale crunching of one of the croissants. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asks, keeping his tone light, casual.

There’s a pause while Harry chews, then another pause. “Not really.”

“Your mum used to bake when she was stressed,” Sirius says, flipping the bacon. It’s crispier than he likes, but he knows Harry likes his pieces a bit black on the edges. “I never left your parent’s place without about ten tupperwares filled with biscuits and cakes and things during the war - used to give half of it to the old lady next door and pass it off as my own so she wouldn’t file any noise complaints!”

Harry laughs, but is otherwise silent, like he always is when Sirius talks about his parents - like he’s trying to soak up every detail.

“The recipe book was lost with the rest of the house, I’m afraid, but she showed me how to make a few things,” he says. Memories, soft, yellow-tinted slices of the happier moments of his life before Azkaban, are starting to filter back, come into focus. “After we figure out what to do with all of this I can show you, if you like.”

Harry’s smile is wide and sincere, eyes shining. “I’d like that a lot.”

[luvchampagne]

WHOLE - k. tetsuro

summary: kuroo may be lacking and imperfect in some ways but you are there to make up for him.

pairings: kuroo tetsuro x fem! reader

a/n: this has been seating on my drafts for too long, and you can tell im loosing my brain juices at the ending. :')

kuroo tetsuro feels whole the day you entered his life. Every moment he gets he captures himself reminiscing the day how you two met. It was rather a sunny sunday and as always he spent his weekends on his grandmas house. last night he had cried himself to sleep; he had once again wondered what he did wrong for his mother to forsake him, he never truly got a proper answer no matter who he asked and he felt like he would never get one. so today, on a sunny sunday he decided to skip homework. it was unlikely of him, and he knew that all too well but something itched in him to go outside and play after that miserable evening, and there he found you. hair tied up in a pretty pony tail, dressed in floral pink dress as you drew random objects on the sidewalk. one particular thing that caught his eye is a black cat. “you forgot to drew it's whiskers.” he pointed out, he wasn't even aware that he had approach you. “oh,” and oh my god, if he knew that he had fallen inlove with those eyes of yours middle school kuroo wouldve laughed and won't believe a word. “it seems that i have, would you mind drawing it for me?” you offered him a white chalk. “im busy drawing it's food. by the way, his name is mr. cat” kuroo raised a brow at that. “mr. cat? how odd.” he could only smile at that thought as he proceeded to draw mr. cat's whiskers. so, on that day onwards kuroo tetsuro looked forward to every weekend. not only has he gained a new friend besides kenma and he had also gained a fellow friend thats actually interested in his volleyball activities. he learned that you had a crazy obsession with cartoons and like to fan girl over them, you adored taylor swift and you do seem to get along with kenma, occasionally playing video games with each other as you teamed up against kuroo and tell him that he sucks. of course he'd get pouty about it so you always promise to play volleyball with him and drag kenma along.

kuroo tetsuro feels whole when you two met again in college, unfortunately your parents had found a new job at a better neighbourhood and decided to move there. forcibly severing your contacts with your friends as you entered high school. he had saw you first in the library, hair tied once again in a high pony tail as you typed something on your laptop, your anti rad glass seating beautifully on the bridge of your nose. he remembers particularly in middle school he had told kenma how he felt about you, how his hands get clammy and a random wave of nervousness rush over him every time he gets to see you and how he feels like he's about to vomit his heart whenever you smile at him and tell him how proud you are of his volleyball accomplishments. kenma told him it was a crush and he immediately denied it. of course, middle schooler kuroo didn't care about any of that so he hadn't thought he'd grew feelings of you unconsciously. he recalls that feeling on a random sunny weekend once more when he was on his first year of high school after his friends asked (specifically yaku) if he ever had a crush. it was only then that the realization dawned on him, he liked you. he liked you and, ohmygod, kenma was right and everything's too late now and there was 1% he could actually meet you again. he remembers correctly that he felt hopeless and how dumb of him to never realized his own feelings for you. of course he mopped over that for a week, i mean sure, maybe you wouldn't reciprocate his feelings too but atleast he could've told you before you left. and he felt so stupid and dumb to deny what kenma told him 3 years ago. So, to meet you again in a random library was something he didn't expect. one thing led to another and he had approached you and thank god, you still remember him. a tiny part of him would've died in embarrassment if you did forget about him. he had guessed that if you didn't, he'd just re-introduce himself to you.

kuroo tetsuro feels whole when you drunkly confessed that you like him. of course, that wasn't his ideal way for confessing but if its you, he'd let it slide.

kuroo tetsuro feels whole when he finally get to feel your lips against his. it felt like home oh-so-warm and tasted like watermelon. he never knew that he'd obsessed over that fruit.

kuroo tetsuro feels whole when he gets home exhausted and youd always be there to engulf him in a hug, whispering “i miss you's and welcome, love.”

kuroo tetsuro feels whole when you said yes to him repeatedly on a sunny sunday under a wisteria trea. it was a three letter word but it meant the whole world to him. perhaps it wasn't sunday's that bring him luck but you. because when you had looked him in the eye when you two were seven and offered him a chalk, the day after his parents argued once more over custody, you had saved him. unconsciously.

kuroo tetsuro feels whole as he admires your sleeping face, legs tangled together under the blanket as your warmth engulf him. he can feel you starting to wake up but he can't help but stare at you longer. it was sunday again, and god knows how many times he had already hit snoozed on your alarm just to admire you further. kuroo tetsuro may not be perfect and lacking in some parts but, when he is with you he can feel as if he could conquer the whole world, because you keep him whole and he has zero plans of loosing you again.

[marianomoreno]

vin @opalsnake tagged me to answer 15 questions and then tag what's most likely to be like five or six but are supposed to also be 15. i love u

1. are you named after anyone?

nope my parents just wanted a name that had no religious meaning and preferably was nature themed short and not corny. they didnt know about that virgin and we dont care either im literally just named dew.

2. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday reading the first couple pages of Nicaragua, tan violentamente dulce mr cortázar i love you i miss you i wouldve done undisclosed drugs with you and kept you alive forever

3. do you have kids?

no and i dont want any

4. what sports do you play/have played?

i took volleyball as my PE elective in secondary school uuuuhh im not a very sporty person i never have been

5. do you use sarcasm often?

yes often but it's not my favourite resource

6. what is the first thing you notice about someone?

the words they use and their laugh and also how they feel about physical touch

7. eye colour?

dark brown but my right eye is a bit lighter which i think is a fun little bit of information it IS noticeable but you wouldnt notice if i didnt tell you

8. scary movies or happy endings?

i dont really like either :( but scary movies

9. any talents?

i'm GOOD at writing i am a good writer. and im a good singer, and im generally more or less quick with music (playing and listening, not dance which requires coordination which is something im terrible at), i'm also more or less quick at languages. and im pretty flexible too. and im a great cook tbh terrible baker tho

10. where were you born?

buenos aires (malos tiempos para hacerte una canción)

11. hobbies?

i like reading, writing, singing, watching movies, walking, every once in a while drawing, scrapbooking, at a time i did knitting and macrame, cooking, playing platform games :P

12. any pets?

three cats, one at my dad's house (murciégala who's a perpetual jumpy teenager) and two at my mum's (clarita who is basically a stuffed animal just wants to be held feeds on love and is by now a thousand years old, and berta who is hyperactive and SO smart and lately sooooo into getting pet)

13. height?

1,53cm

14. favourite school subject?

historyyyy history history history liked it so much i kept going. also literature, sociology, solidary action (?), and art.

15. dream job?

writing well paid opinion pieces wouldnt that be amazing. literary translator too omg literally the dream... Researcher in the field of History ofc 🧐 this changes every day though.

im gonna tag @caminadrummer @nickcutler @sufranstevens @dickotomia @cuatrotrece @laloslayamanca @eliasdrid

[definitelynotshouting]

62, 65, 81, 91

Ask me fanfic writer questions!

Hey Book!! :D wouldve answered these last night but as you know tumblr crashed on me 😭😭😭😭 so im answering it now instead!!

62.) what’s the weirdest reason you’ve ever shipped something?

Idk if this counts as weird per se but i straight up started shipping winteriron (Tony Stark x Bucky Barnes) because of THIS FUCKING FIC. It sold me on them SO HARD. Sometimes all it takes is one godtier fic that does everything right to get you hooked on a rarepair ✌️😔😔😔

65.) what is your favourite title for a fic you’ve written? 

If we're talking og titles i came up with myself, the title of my unpublished TES Oblivion fic is The Stars Have No Names, which ive always been fond of, especially combined with its planned sequel, But Those We Give Them-- which makes a full sentence that just sorta encapsulates the vibe of the whole thing in a way that really scratches my brain just right. This is closely followed by the piece i did for the DSMP Comics Zine, A Few E.G.G.s Short of the Full Scramble, which has multiple layers of puns loaded into it and makes me laugh like a lunatic every time i remember them

As for stuff that isnt original (aka song lyrics or poetry verses, which i steal from shamelessly), i'd have to say im most fond of sightless, unless the eyes reappear, which is the tma fic i wrote that accidentally predicted a decent chunk of the podcast's ending 😭 if i had a fucking nickel.... The verse is ripped from T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" and i really loved how it just perfectly hits the vibes i was going for in that fic. Extremely on-the-nose titles are a game and brother i am WINNING

81.) if you could go back in time and give your younger self a piece of writing advice specific to you, what would it be?

"Hello tiny TJ. First of all, you are a transgender dyke. No this isnt relevant i just thought you ought to know. Anyway cool it with the perfectionism man one day people are gonna read a fic where every individual tag warning you've added is its own separate vine boom and you're gonna get tons of compliments on it despite the fact that it isnt what you consider fully polished. Got that written down? Cool. Now go forth and kiss women, peace<3"

91.) how has your writing style changed over the years?

My writing's always been pretty descriptive, but over the last few years its REALLY shifted into overdrive on the imagery. I think thats always been my biggest strength as a writer, and its something i really, really enjoy doing. As ive said in the past: if im not painting pictures with my words then what, pray tell, is the point!!!

The other thing ive noticed is that ive been dipping my toes into more experimental formatting, whether thats in regards to the story's structure (shout out to that time i planned to write a fic in reverse chronological order), the points of view (second person my beloved), different narration styles, or just the way the words on the page look-- something i know has been directly inspired by my cousin, who has an unpublished 85k Dead Space fanfic which replaces an ENTIRE CHAPTER with a twine game. The man is insane and i love him so much and one day i will bully him into finishing this fic because its not even halfway done what the fuck. Anyway thats my answer THANK YOU BOOK FOR SENDING THESE :DD

[trythatagainnn]

halloween is the anniversary of my coming out at trans.

my “traniversary” as i like to call it.

this year,

itll be five years.

i was 12 years old.

i came out in middle school.

i was the only trans kid i knew of in my school.

i had no support.

my friends accepted me,

i think,

pretty quickly.

but they didnt support me.

there was no,

“im proud of you!”

or

“im happy you told me this.”

there was a lot of

“…okay”s

and sidelong glances.

i think you dont realize what that does to you

until five years later.

at the time,

i had one queer friend.

she was bi.

we dated,

whatever two 12 year olds dating looks like

(we held hands at recess).

later, she came out as a lesbian,

and i came out as gay.

its funny.

we stopped talking after eighth grade.

i dont really know why.

i have a lot of queer friends now.

all of them are, actually.

queer, i mean.

im not dating any of them.

mostly because,

after i came out as gay,

i came out as aro/ace.

thatll do it.

not that aro/ace people cant date,

or fuck,

or whatever.

i just. dont want. that.

sometimes i kind of wish i did.

i think.

i wonder what its like to really enjoy that.

but.

whatever.

anyway.

i heard someone say once that

after you come out once,

it never ends.

i think thats true.

ill never stop coming out as trans.

isnt that what im doing right now?

and ill never stop figuring out new things about myself.

also, i think maybe thats not true.

sometimes, people just know.

i dont have to tell them.

and sometimes,

when i tell people,

its not coming out.

it just is.

maybe thats what finding the right people is.

it just is.

halloween isnt really it, by the way. the anniversary.

sorry.

that wouldve been cool right?

yeah.

i lied.

i dont know when it actually is.

sometime in november, i think.

maybe december?

on halloween of 2018,

i was still a girl.

i was wearing a very large and annoying inflatable ostrich costume

(you know the type

where it makes you look like

youre riding on the ostrich’s back?).

it was a last minute buy from spirit halloween.

i got tired of it.

i took it off,

and i put on a tie

over my grey wolf t-shirt.

i put on a tie,

and i told everyone i was a man.

of course, they didnt believe me.

i think they laughed.

i felt great.

thats not when i came out.

maybe thats when i knew, though.

to be honest,

i dont care that much.

i dont get emotional on halloween,

most of the time i dont even think about it.

its more of a convenient way of keeping track

of the passage of time

than anything.

im still trans, yeah.

this year on halloween,

im still trans.

ive changed though.

ive changed

names and

ive changed

my hair and

ive changed

how i act and

how i think and

who i am and

ive changed.

five years this halloween,

thats a lot.

maybe.

maybe its not

that much at all.

in another five years,

ill be 22,

and ill still be trans.

and ill be different.

happy halloween.

happy five years.

happy passage of time.

heres a little monologue poem thing about being trans

[asexualbookbird]

ok, so, the first 3 books on your top5 hatelist i totally agree with. although the only one i've actually read front to back was 13 Reasons Why, it's understandable to feel nothing but contempt for that book, especially in the wake of that godawful show that never should've been given 4 seasons, much less greenlit in the first place!

never bought ready player one, but i read half of a friend's copy and listened to my favorite booktubers critique it. saw the movie mostly for olivia cooke. ngl, mr. cline feels like an incel who somehow got lucky by latching onto the 80s pop culture revival a few years ago. too cringey for me.

hemlock grove is an odd one, because i got introduced through the show (hello fanke janssen and bill skarsgard!) when netflix first became an online streaming service. what can i say about it other than GROSS! that series just makes me viscerally disgusted.

the other two i have not had the misfortune of reading, but i will take your word for it and stay way.

13RW GOT HOW MANY SEASONS, ive had that black listed since i finished the book 💀

im sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Netflix's Hemlock Grove live action series was worlds better than Brian McGreevy's books. Did the show follow the books? yeah! almost exactly! until the dinosaur baby, HOWEVER. THE BOOKS. God. okay the line that really stuck with me was "go suck an egg" and "go eat a tampon" what the fuck lol also i forget all their names but skarsgards sister? in the books? she gets out of the abusive family (YAY) by *checks notes* running away and marrying a 30 year old man. she is 16 years old. this is seen as a happy ending.

like the show was awful it sucked (mire than eggs) but it was awful in an entertaining way! you could laugh at how awful it was! if netflix hadnt removed it i probably wouldve rewatched the last season because the dino baby is HILARIOUS. The book was disgusting. Skarsgards character was a rapist but we loved him for it. Why, after nearly 10 years was this the book that stuck in my head.

[dutchwinter]

BOOM DONE!!!!!

whew okay..

my favorite lyric: laughing at my garage about all the things i think i need to keep they dont do me any good and i know they would all be better off with someone else the less i grow the less i change im like the living dead inside an endless loop if i lose sight stay the same im like a hungry zombie searching for you brain no one knows how deep it is and everything gets washed away the wave comes in the waves comes out and everything it hits gets to be new again i dont know whats real or not anymore i dont know whats real or not anymore the way the wind fires up in the west low in the east visions of grandeur i never wanted any of this take my away ill never deny it the way the sun shines down through the trees stains in the glass over my cats face reminding me that everything just as it is more effort in chaos we build the walls that keep us apart together alone long for the real thing i never listened so closely before tell me the truth you know how it fucks me up. AND maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one when the physical resides in memory thats invincible with multi camera eyes will it ever be enough will it ever be enough will it ever be enough will it ever be enough im the youngest of the kids empty closet theres a suit coat and a jacket and i know it doesnt fit my dad gave it to my brother but i dont give a shit theres a suit coat and a jacket that i know he never wore i could really use one we might as well give up our love resentments i just want to know will this sleep be the last maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one its the loneliest at night in moment thats forgettable but i cherished every eye it was eating me alive IT WAS EATING ME ALIVE IT WAS EATING ME ALIVE im the smallest of the kids in the composite theres an overwhelming label that someone put on my back and A SUITCASE FROM A YEAR AGO IVE STILL YET TO UNPACK IN THE LAST MOMENTS I SAW YOU YOU WERE BEGGING ME TO STAY NOW I WISH I WOULDVE i tried my best to fight those overwhelming voices in my head will this time be the last divided reactions of our memories and oxytocin thrill would you still STILL LOVE ME THE SAME maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one WOULD YOU STILL BE IN LOVE maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one maybe this will be the one. AND blind in my steps am i falling just like every other autumn leaf bound to my flaws hanging vulnerable in darkness on the ocean floor IF ONLY I WAS SEPARATE FROM WHAT I CREATED maybe things would be better if we undid this knot and ended our hunger strike following in the footsteps of my grandmother she welcomed all her pain so im keeping any extra i make to myself i wouldnt have expected anyone to notice it tonight i dont i dont want to die but tomorrow i might stuck to my false sense of self hanging vulnerable in darkness we cant seem to ever get away from everything we want what if i was only waiting for my chance to jump tonight i dont dont want to get high but tomorrow i might ill be prepared to die ill be prepared to die tonight kiss my mom and dad goodbye ill be prepared to die tonight. BUT ALSO if im sure of only one thing its that i shouldnt be all locked up in hesitation this wont last i can see in all directions what it means when you say sorry i dont know if i can trust it but i have no other choice but i have no other choice oh i wish youd fit hanging on everything you say oh i wish youd quit dripping on every single thing i dont even know what time it is in my dream it feels like im always falling or im fucking something up i dont know if i can love you but i have no other choice but i have no other choice. text limit

BUT ALSOOOOO how are you so sure that youre alright disappearing fragments of whats left show me if you can ill hold my breath till were out of this she looked the other way keeping her distance from everyone everywhere hold me in the bottom of this bed tested in the shadow of this dread. follow what you will i wont be tempted seeking you will find the worst in me settle in your eyes a broken scream this will be the end and i wont cry at all we end i wasted all my energy all we are we waste buried in the back of every thought spoken in the language of my heart who will be the one i wont be tempted buried in the lie beneath your lungs father was ashamed when he was young. ANDDD im still waking up from this shit while i was down i witnessed everything in stunning black and white i lost sight and made excuses for all the damage that i did singing i dont want to go out and get high again im still coming lose from its grip what i saw while i was dreaming made me want to stay alive ill put every single ounce of focus that i have in it singing i dont want to go out and get high tell the truth for once i want to bury every single thing devour all the time ive lost inside of every word i fear singing i dont want to go out and get high again. BUT ALSO??? displace contrast who wouldnt want to let this pass the snake must [???] its getting caught trying to be somethings it not keep it up so long maybe it should stay in the place its lost this too must pass its getting caught trying to keep it together i dont dance the world around me spins like a tornado when you come its like nothing ive ever felt so say maintain i never thought id be like that the snake must [???] its getting caught trying to keep it together my tragedy a lions mane getting right back up again dreaming of the perfect way to say the things i should just say i dont dance the world around me spins in your arms you are the only thing i want. i dont know if i can be alone again and i dont think that i can make it through i dont want to be the center. okay you know what IM FUCKING TIRED im not doing the rest of it BC I AM BUSY WITH SPRINTS and finishing this FUCKING FIC rn BUT YOU GET IT RIGHT??

my favorite song: okay maybe this will be the one. but also no other choice and fucks me up and dont dance and trading doses.

the song that makes me cry: yes

the song that’s a fucking bop: dont dance. i dont want to die tonight. trading doses.

the song i most dislike/least love: center of it all maybe but like. i would marry that song if i could. so?

x < ask game

[markets]

hi markets how is life going for u bc basically the guy who was my best friend for years well we stopped talkign last spring completely bc long story short he was Very in love with me and i could not get myself to feel the same even though i TRIED girl i genuinely tried sohard but that just ended up with him feelinbg led on and hurt and asked to never speak to me again hahalol well yeah he just texted me out of the blue bc he got a leaked frank ocean song and sent it me. because he knows i love frank ocean and knew i wouldg love it and whAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT DOESNT HE REALIZE THAT NOW THIS SONG WILL BE FOREVER ATTACHED TO THE FEELING OF GUILT AND HEARTBREAK AND ILL NEVER BE NORMAL ABOUT A SONG THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE RELEASED AND WILL ONLY EVER EXIST AS AN ATTACHMENT IN OUR MESSAGES????? anyway yeah. the song wasgood

ANON. anon listen to me because i literally had this exaxt same situation with my (now ex) best friend SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL almost two years ago. i also tried and i also accidentally led on and hurt them and they didnt ask me to never speak to them again and actually jsut ignored me all summer instead and likely got all our shared friends (aka most of my friends lol) to do the same so i just didnt bother trying to reconnect once school started again. im also currently on the other end of this kind of as the best friend who took that old best friends place (though we probably wouldve ended up becoming best friends even without that whole mess i hope) broke up with me after a few very good months of dating and a few very bad ones and i asked him not to speak to me for a while but then decided to reconnect with (which judging by the fact that im active on tumblr could be going better).

so yeah now that ive given you my credentials heres what you do you thank him if you havent already and tell him you hope hes doing well and then you put your phone down and go on a walk far far away from it and think about the whole thing. that isnt the best advice because there realyl is no good advice for this situation its one of those things that tears you apart and then points at you and says haha oh YOURE torn apart you say wow what a selfish asshole haha!! but honestly its so clear to me just from this one ask that you care about him so much and im sure he can see that too. if hes texting you he can at least see it a little, and if you would like to do so im sure your friendship is salvagable. the person who put me as the heartbreak emoji in their "people i had feelings for this year" tik tok last december invited me to their house last month and we laughed and joked even though last time i had been there i had been pretending to feel something i could only wish i truly felt. and i dont think theirs an effort more admirable and beautiful than trying to save something like that, than looking the world straight in the eyes and saying "you want me to leave this for dead but i wont because i CARE and that means something." i mean if he wants too of course. which if he sent the text he might thats kind of how i wnet about it when i tried to reconnect too. maybe take this with a grain of salt because im in a highly emotional time in my life but all im going to say is im sorry anon. i know how awful it is to lose a best friend. and im hoping everything goes well for both of you

[goremet-chef]

tw for death i just need to get these thoughts out of my head for now

so, my great grandma passed away the other day. i dont feel like i deserve any "sorry for yr loss" shit cuz like.. truth be told i didnt like her that much. she was an old conservative white woman, im sure you know what i mean by that. i used to have to leave the living room to go cry in the bathroom cuz ofthe shit she said about trans people

she didnt know i was trans so maybe if she did it wouldve been different, but regardless

shes dead now, and im just. really dissociated tbh. and a little sad. and a little angry

its just. i mean it sounds so stupid to say "oh death is traumatic for me" because death is traumatic for pretty much everyone i think? its scary. terrifying. and you can never outrun it, no matter what

i mentioned this in a different post, but my fear of death started INCREDIBLY early, like no kid should be scared thinking about that stuff but i was. and i asked her specifically after having a dream where she was like. brutally murdered, i asked her if she was going to die soon and she laughed a little and said no

i was only a little kid back then but it. i dont know how to describe this. knowing that the answer has changed is so... suffocating. death catches up with everyone and every time it proves that in my life i just get more and more stressed

and i mean, i cant lie. i know i didnt like her but i used to. i used to really love her, and i know she really loved me. i was her favorite, im pretty sure. this still hurts. i dont think i deserve any condolences or whatever cuz. i hadnt seen her for a whole year, up until recently. i purposefully stayed home and away instead of visiting cuz i just didnt like being around someone like her. that hasnt changed, but im still glad i got to see her one last time. i saw her apparently 2 days before she died, which is traumatic on its own

my brain has such a hard time processing the.. finality of it. she told me she liked my hair and how it was shorter and it felt good. when we left cuz her morphine was kicking in and she was out of it, i hugged her and told her i loved her, and she said she loved me too. her voice was quiet and whispery, honestly. weak, yknow how it is. she had lung cancer, idk why its always cancer

its scary to have my relatives slowly dropping dead one by one. like.. my family is getting smaller, isnt that terrifying? i dont know how to handle this. i know its a long ways away but my mind is just.. waiting with bated breath for when it takes my nana, and my grandma, and my mom, my siblings. etc

ive tried so hard to come to terms with this thing and it. its all for nothing because no matter how i look at it, no matter the optimism or the peace or WHATEVER, im still terrified of it. its natural, it happens to everyone, every single living thing on this planet will die eventually. its so scary, i dont want to die. i dont want the people i love to die, but its not like i get a say in it

now shes gone, the last moments i spent with her are like.. haunting my brain. and i feel GUILT, especially. i think i was valid in not wanting to see her for so long, i dont feel particularly guilty for that. but i feel guilty that even after all that time, she still loved me. i guess im glad she never knew how i really felt about her

whats even worse? the other day, im assuming the day she died, i overheard my mom talking to her on the phone

and it was like.. idk it made me sick? hearing my mom telling her in this like.. not nonchalant but. not how someone whos grandma is dying real time would sound id imagine. her telling her that shes gotta spread her wings, and go meet grandpa, and watch over us

i dont know if she was dead when my mom said it or not, or maybe she was fading then and there, but. it made me so sad. what if she could hear? i guess she probably wouldnt, the drugs made her very.. gone. but like. if she could, the last thing she wouldve heard was someone telling her shes going to die

how terrifying is that? im still stuck up on that. if i was dying would my mom say something like that to me? i dont wanna think about it

it makes me mad, though

i guess she died on call with my mom but. no one mentioned anything about it until today, and i had to go out of my way to literally ASK if she was dead

why do they keep doing this to me? i have a fucking right to know. they did it with artemis too. when my grandmas cat got put down cuz of her heart failure, NO ONE told me until a few days later when my sibling was like "did you hear about artemis?" and my heart sank cuz.. thats never a good thing to hear and they were like "yeah idk why nobody told you? but grandma put her down"

i still havent really processed her death, i fell back on escapism and dissociation, i dont know if im ready for that yet

why wouldnt you tell me? why dont i have the right to know? why dont they tell me anything anymore, my bedroom is right next to yours

its so frustrating. even if it hurts me, LET IT hurt me. let me grieve and mourn, its what im supposed to do. i cant tell if its a sheltering thing or if they genuinely just. feel like it doesnt matter to tell me or not. its so upsetting man

[transrightsjimin]

very old lady just approached me in the elevator in a hospital & asked "you're still scared, huh?" bc im masked. i replied "oh uh i just get sick easily otherwise". she responded "ah yeah we're probably just stubborn 😆 maybe we just have a strong body" and then coughed up a lung

i tend to minimize why i mask or how much i do it just to avoid ppl getting angry at me so i said "oh yeah uh especially in a hospital and stuff" and she replied "well it's everywhere, here, in the tram, store, etc" 😶 so she agrees and is better informed but doesnt care

anyway. saw a gynaecologist today to tell her i want to know if i have PCOS and she asked why i wear a mask as all doctors do and i simply said "oh i dont want to get sick" which she kinda got and i added "yeah and ever since i got covid last year i've been having heart issues" which she also kinda got and laughed along w me and her male assistant understood it too i think tho he looked a little scared like 👁__👁

she first said "you do know theres not really medication or anything for PCOS and that at most you'll likely be sent to a dietist right?" and i thought oh fk no and suggested that i could try taking the pill on doctor's advice to have a more balanced hormonal system and she was like oh yeah that can help too. 👁👄👁

but after she asked if i take the pill (no), ever had sex (no) or use tampons (no) she seemed really hesitant to try to check what i have in the regular way, which is apparently via an internal echo? and bc of her hesitance, i was reluctant too 😬

and i didn't mind her having a male assistant (the scared looking guy who luckily assured me from the moment i met him in the waiting room that the actual gyneacologist is in the office) but her offering to put a device in my pussy for an echo right away on a chair w wide spread foot stands right there in the room, w her reluctance and with him just standing there in the corner and w the chair facing a window blinds up?!?&&;&(?' i said uhm no thank you

but when she decided to do an echo from the surface of my stomach she kept muttering she probably can't see anything this way and it was true 😭

she'll try to ask colleagues for other kinds of echos or other methods and get back to me after i get my blood drawn by my next pms cycle which is who knows when. anyway. sorry for the tmi but i feel bad for saying no to the regular method bc then it'd just be over with it quicker. but she made it sound way more painful and intimate than i wouldve thought it was otherwise like. i kinda saw a doctor put his fingers up my moms butt before to check for smth to do w her bowel illness and even that felt less odd than this 😭 and now im just a little scared plus i was NOT mentally prepared for smth like that oh my god?

maybe ill get back on this but then ill tell the doctor i dont want the blinds open nor a man there

[uramitashi]

it was a girls birthday tonight; we sat on some towels in the middle of the park from 18 00 to 00 00, til the park closure.

we joked a lot. i laughed with some of her friends - elementary classmates of mine i havent seen in 15 years. we played lupus and i argued with her friends who started as strangers to me and ended up as funny rivals. she had prepared two homemade cakes - one for everyone and a gluten free one for the celiacs of the group. i was one of them and the cake was delicious.

when was the last time i felt so much contentment? every single thing in the world became suddenly so stupid, and less important than finding the villagers-eating wolves. so if someone were to ask me what my goal in life was i would not tell them to be filthy rich or to have tons of children or whatever. it would be i want a lot of nice friends i look forward to play lupus with. what else is there in life to love?

at midnight, my best friend was so tired. the humidity, she said. it was driving her insane, she wanted to go home!

i never noticed how humid the air was. i wouldve stayed up all night.

[jamsandsuch]

found an old draft of something i wrote in 2020. i'm not much of a creative writer anymore but i think 18 year old me wouldve wanted this out somewhere. wc: 679 words

I twist the ring around my finger, and the gemstone giggles in the afternoon sun.

"Do you wanna talk about him, Win?"

"Mmm." Light trickles through the slat blinds, sunlight like maple syrup and honey poured onto her pancakes. Ground coffee and Bossa Nova. A boxy TV hanging from the corner of the diner hums then crackles and pops with static. Grandma looks at me, waiting for my answer. I don't know what to say. Where do I even start when it comes to you?

I think about the newspaper on your kitchen counter.

"Convenient how they just give out all this gardening material for free, yeah?"

"Pretty sure you're supposed to be reading the newspaper."

You wrinkled your nose. "You read the newspaper? No wonder you're such a downer."

"No idea what you're talking about. I like having fun."

"Oh yeah?" Your fingertips were caked in soil in a way that would've made mom scold me.

"Jesus - wash your hands, country boy."

"Learn to get yours a little dirty, city girl." You wiggled your fingers around my face to spook me as chips of dirt fell from your fingers and onto the wood floor. There was a ghost of a child's checkerboard grin in your smile, like the boy you must've been all those years ago never really went away. I laughed and swatted your hands away but you grabbed me, holding me in a tight hug while I tried to wriggle free. You lips tasted like strawberries. They always tasted like strawberries.

"Just you wait. We'll have a big ol' house with a garden. All that space to run around. Whaddaya think, Winnie?"

I'd like to imagine that we would've planted a strawberry patch in that garden. That whenever I missed you I'd have a whole grove of your kisses growing on bushes.

"You would've loved him."

"Did you know he was sick?"

"He didn't tell me."

You didn't want to. When you called me you apologized. Said you were being so selfish. You asked me to leave. Begged me to hate you. But I couldn't.

"Loving anyone is pretty selfish anyway, isn't it?"

"You're too good to me."

I stomach a mouthful of my pancake and think of how it tasted so much better than the garbage they were feeding you in the ICU. Maple syrup pooled on my tongue, bittersweet as I knew this was the kind of breakfast you deserved to wake up to.

Your skin was the color of caramel and toffee, lightly baked from the hours you spent in the sun, but when I'd come to visit you I'd watch the color slowly leach from your face. it might've been the blue-white hospital lamps, or it could've been your body missing the daylight.

The last time I saw you awake there was a milky film over your eyes. Your gaze was cloudy. I saw heaven in those eyes, and you saw heaven in mine. Tears spilled from my cheeks and into your hands like pearls falling from the gates of heaven. You must've known you were getting closer because you gave me your ring that day.

"He was so much worse than I thought, grandma. He was so much worse."

The night you left, I howled like a wounded wolf through the double paned hospital glass. There must've been some more animal in me than we thought.

"I did it all right, grandma. I don't get it. I did everything right and I'm dying lonely."

"We all do, Winnie."

"Easy for you to say, you had grandpa."

"Had."

"But weren't you happy? Weren't you in love?"

"I didn't say I wasn't." Her face is a sculpture, wrinkles and folds pressed in by the hands of time.

"But this hurts. It hurts so bad."

"We fall in love and we pay the price."

The waitress slides a plate onto the table. Strawberries. I bring them to my lips. I almost expect you to be there. I close my eyes and let you tease me with the false promise of a kiss one last time.