#tehsoupie has personal problems

[atomicshakespeare]

oh

So my money situation just got a lot worse, to the point where I am struggling to breathe. Like, wow. 

LIKE stress?? sTreSS??? 

STRESS!

I might need to open up emergency commissions(?) even just to FUCKING LIVE. WHAT DO.

(I do have a Kofi, if you feel so inclined, but....)

I’ll keep you all posted.

[personal details under the cut if you really wanna know, otherwise wait for follow up post]

My foot injury is taking longer to heal so I haven’t been able to return to work full time like I was. I never went to the doctor for it, so I hope I’ve done myself well enough by not pushing too hard. I know puncture wounds can take a long time to heal in general, but it worries me because it was right at the tendon on the bottom of my foot. I’ve had to do my own physical therapy of trying to walk again and get my foot to straighten out. It’s been painful and I’m starting to worry about permanent damage that could have been prevented had I gone to the doctor... I didn’t need another 13,000 ER bill.

I have no dental insurance, and my teeth have gotten painfully worse.  A new tooth broke in a bad spot. It was all causing me pain the other day, but no pain right this second. Almost like the break made it feel better. I had to cancel my insurance a few months ago because I couldn’t afford the payment, but I also wasn’t using it because I can’t afford the dentist EVEN AFTER insurance came out because it sucked so bad... Paying for insurance I can’t use because I can’t afford the dentist when it did pay for it sounds like some kind of poetic punishment loop.

I have a car payment I’m barely making. 

I keep having to borrow money to fix my bills and negative balances, but I’m raking up more debt overall.

My credit cards are all maxed out and I can only make the minimum payment, which I know it’s doing shit against that interest rate.

One of my medical bills is almost paid, but the other two are still going strong and draining my account. 

I make too much to qualify for food stamps but I’m not making enough to live.

My car needs an oil change and I can’t even pay for that.

I didn’t even have my half of the rent this month, but people love me and covered my ass. But I can’t rely on them always covering me, and I want to pay them back as soon as possible.

What can I do? I physically cannot work the hours I used to.

How should I solve it? My art. I’ve seen the stuff people have paid for, and my god... I could do better with a lot of that. So, I’m striving to collect my works and get the examples pulled together. If anything, maybe someone will want a little sketch or something. 

I don’t have high hopes, but it’s better than nothing.

I just need a little bit more money coming in, and then once my foot is healed more I can go back to 40 hours.

...sigh.

Gotta have faith, right?

[atomicshakespeare]

My response to getting flipped off by some stranger in my friend's Snapchat. Like, bro, we were talking and shit (and somewhat being passive aggressive, but not ignoring each other), and you send me that but also post it to your story? You're lucky I have a sense of humor. So, this is what I sent you in response. Am I the asshole? You're obviously out and doing things, so GLHF. GOOD FUCKING LUCK HAVE FUCKING FUN WE'LL TALK LATER

[atomicshakespeare]

--

How the fuck do I keep getting in situations like this?

Friend, who I will call Linc, just confessed to me that he loved me “more than a friend, more than anybody else in my life” because he was drunk and needed someone to talk to. I don’t feel the same. We don’t have any sort of relationship besides friends and occasional texting buddies.

Now, a little background: I’ve known him about two or so years, we have a complicated history of almost-dated-but-not-really-bad-timing-never-gonna-happen-really sort of thing, and I was one of his only contacts while he was in prison. 

So, because of his loneliness and prison stuff (drug possession charges that went a little crazy and resulted in probation and after-care), I feel like he’s attached himself to me. I wrote him letters but never anything touchy-feely. I visited him once and only once. I came to visit him right after he got out of prison at his home once, and my boyfriend was with me. My boyfriend is “friends” with Linc - as in, I can tell there’s tension between them, and I have been informed of jealousy on both sides. Jeeeeeeeeez.

I do not share these feelings with Linc. In fact, when things could have happened but didn’t because I met my current boyfriend right around the same time and Linc was still with someone else anyway, I considered it as just a fling -- if anything had happened, which it didn’t. I was wounded and weak from a previous break up at the time, so there were some rebound feelings thrown in there as well just to muddle things up a bit more.

Linc, on the other hand, feels like I was “the one that got away.” He feels like that he should have broken up with his girlfriend -- who went on to cheat on him and they broke up shortly after I met my honey -- and gotten with me, and that we would be happily prancing in some other state.

I wish I was making this up. 

It’s all too much like a Hollywood plot line to me, and I hate these kinds of movies.

The thing is, even if he had done that, I wouldn’t be with him. We’re not compatible in ways that matter to me (he’s a year older than me but immature as all fuck, I’m not physically attracted to him at all and never was, among other reasons including I have no true desire to leave my boyfriend.) I admit that perhaps I was too flirty, and perhaps I should have kept more boundaries up so that he didn’t develop feelings for “the only friend I have left, the only one I can talk to about any of this that’s going on.” However, it’s been over a year. He’s been longing and waiting for me for over a year, and I don’t feel the same at all.

So, what’s my problem then? “You don’t feel the same, tell him that and move on.”

I plan on this, but it gets just a bit more complicated. All Hollywood plots need to have a twist, right? :/

The twist goes like this: he’s dangerously suicidal right now. 

He said that out of the four people he can talk to (me, two other mutual friends, and his mother), I’m the only one who truly knows how down in the dark hole he’s fallen. He said he’s deeper in depression than he was when he and the girl who cheated on him ended things. Deeper in depression than he was when was in prison for those eight months.

He said, “I’m scared, [Soupy]. I’m scared and you’re the only one I can talk to. I keep thinking of turning the steering wheel the wrong way when I’m driving, just to see if I would die or not. I keep thinking I should turn myself into the behavioral hospital.”

He probably should, with the way he’s going.

He’s gotten six new tattoos in two months. He’s scheduled for another one this Friday. Not that it’s inherently wrong to get six tattoos in two months, it’s just that he’s doing it “to feel something other than depression.”

He got into a massive screaming match with my manager (we work together -- well, did work together) that resulted in him putting in his two-weeks.

He’s drinking a bottle of Bicardi 151 nearly every day, and mixing drinks for himself on the way to work and drinking in his car on the way to his other job. He’s also been fighting with other co-workers and his parents. (He’s 25 and still lives with them because of all the prison stuff. He actually lived on his own before getting arrested.)

He stopped going to therapy. He stopped going to the group meets. He stopped everything except his mandatory Care that he checks into on Tuesdays.

He was supposed to stop drinking and all that good stuff they helped him with in therapy is all gone now.

Complicated history aside, I am really worried about him.

I’ve been wanting to have a talk with him about his destructive behaviors. Despite having a curfew and probation officer, he’s been going out later and later and getting drunk, as well as few speeding tickets. He’s narrowly avoided a DUI every time, but now he’s worried that his probation officer is going to tell him he’s going back to prison for five more years because of his stupid crap.

He got out of prison because of a miracle-worker of a lawyer. There’s no way he’s getting out of this one.

So, he wants to meet up tomorrow at 10 AM. He says coffee will help him relax, and that he really needs me to talk to him. He says he’s losing his mind. He says he wants me to be his therapist. He says he needs it, and that my boyfriend can fuck off if he has a problem with “me talking to my best friend [Soupy], okay? Okay.”

My boyfriend doesn’t even know any of this is happening yet because he’s been asleep this whole time I was on the phone with Linc. I’m not trying to hide secrets. I’m not trying to hide anything at all. But, Linc makes the BF jealous, and I guess that’s fair. 

And, to make things worse, Linc is calling our coffee meet tomorrow “a date.”

It’s not a date for me. 

It’s an intervention.

Linc doesn’t want my boyfriend there at all tomorrow. He says that he can only open up to me out of everyone he knows, which isn’t helping me feel any better about this date or talk or whatever the fuck he wants it to be.

If he thinks I’m going to confess being in love with him, he’s wrong.

I’m going to use this chance to tell him how worried I am, and I might have to burst his bubble by clearing pointing out that I wouldn’t be able to date someone who can’t stay out of prison. I don’t plan on dating him. I never planned on it. 

Still... I don’t know how to handle any of this.

He desperately needs a friend right now. I believe him when he says that, but I also bear in mind that he has feelings for me. This could all be a ploy for him to try to seduce me, which isn’t going to happen. I may go alone, but we’re going to be in public. I will be in control of the whole situation.

My boyfriend won’t like it either way. I’m sure there’s going to be a fight, or at least some kind of resistance.  I understand. However, the boyfriend doesn’t know about the almost-dating-not-really thing, so he’s just jealous for other reasons. :(

I could just... not go get coffee, I suppose. 

But.... with Linc claiming to be as dangerously suicidal as he says he is, I’m scared to miss this “date” for fear that it might put him over the edge, especially after him going on and on about how I’m the only he can trust, I’m the only one left, I’m the only one, yadda yadda...

What the FUCK do I do???

My ideal resolution for this: Linc gets too drunk tonight, forgets to meet up early with me, and I get to sleep in and pretend none of this ever happened. He goes on with his life. I go on with mine. So it goes.

Another resolution to all this: Boyfriend and I wake up early (because we had something going on anyway, so we’ll be up). I tell him about Linc’s story and that I’m going to get coffee with him so we can talk. Boyfriend doesn’t care, tells me to have fun, and that he’ll be here when I get back. Go to coffee. Have talk. No break-downs. No mental destruction. Come home. Life goes on normal. So it goes.

But then there’s this possible outcome: Boyfriend and I wake up. Tell him. He freaks out. We get in a fight. I can either stay or go, but it’s going to end up me being upset, boyfriend being upset, and Linc off on his own to deal with the after-math. And so on.

Or --

Another outcome: Boyfriend and I wake up. Tell him. Fight. Go anyway. Continue dealing with upset boyfriend. Meet up for coffee with Linc. He asks me what’s wrong. I tell him. Now he’s upset, and the conversation is derailed because he’s going on and on about rescuing me or some shit and I just wanna go home and fix things with the boyfriend, which causes more fighting and anger.

In other words, I don’t know what’s going to happen when I wake up tomorrow morning.

In other words, I’m scared and unsure of what is the right course of action.

In other words, I’ve probably fucked up and it’s too early to back down now.

Someone help me. I don’t know how to handle this at all.

[atomicshakespeare]

I just got DMC1 to run fairly smooth on PCSX2. I’m pretty proud.

My feels. They are many. I can now play this game again without having to deal with my PS2... too bad I have to start from scratch again, but whatever. I guess I’ll have to GIT GUD again, too.

[atomicshakespeare]

--

I have no reason to actually be this tired, but I feel like I’ve done nothing but sleep these past three days. Then it’s back to work, and after work I’ll come home and sleep some more. Tumblr and sleep... I scroll until the tired returns to claim me. I nap for another hour. Wake up. Scroll. Tired returns. Nap. Wake up. Scroll.

Not because it’s addictive or I can’t live without it. It’s just the thing that’s holding me together right now. JM’s going through his thing -- I’m going through mine. We’re together, but oddly our mental battles separate us.

I mindlessly scroll instead of focusing on things around the house that need fixing. I mindlessly scroll because there’s nothing on my to-do list that can be done right now. I mindlessly scroll because I’m too tired -- always too tired -- to leave the house except when I have to. My plans for vacation have been shot down, so this is closest thing I’ll get. 

What the fuck is wrong with me...?

[atomicshakespeare]

--

Had a seriously rough night last night. Currently running on 4 and half hours of sleep and a lot of pre-made Starbucks espresso drinks... Been feeling achey on my right side and nauseous all day. I know it's not me being sick -- I went way too heavy on the drink last night, and didn't start paying for it until I was trying to sleep. I worked the morning shift today, and I'm about to go back in at 5. I haven't taken a nap yet because I'm using this chance to basically reset my sleep schedule.... I can do it, hangover or none.

[atomicshakespeare]

I'm an emotional wreck right now. All I wanna do is cry and cuddle, and weep for the things gone while I miss my family as they drive back to Orlando. I think I'm gonna end up being useless today and not achieve anything I set out to do today...

[atomicshakespeare]

Posting from my phone, so much better!

This new phone is making Tumblr so much better. The app has improved, and I have personal widgets that make Tumblr even better on my phone. This isn't helping my addiction.

[atomicshakespeare]

Don't know if they're ignoring me, if the tech is glitching, if my cell is glitching, or if they didn't hear their phone...but new phone = talk to me. Please? Please?

[atomicshakespeare]

[mini] WAITRESS RANT/TABLE 42, and a little bit of concerns elsewise

I just have a lot of stuff on my mind today. It started off happy and normal, nothing really going through my head other than chores and work... and then I heard from a co-worker that someone was getting fired tonight, someone who was working tonight. Call me irrational, but I'm wondering if it's me. 

I don't always follow every single rule, but I generally achieve the results they're looking for. They've never had to discipline me, other than the one time I got written up for a dine-n-dash, and casual reminders like "oh, you need a haircut" or "oh, you can't brush your hair where people can see you." I'm usually on time, I usually clock on early when they ask me to, and I usually stay later. 

I'm not the best server they've got, but I've been there for two years so that still has to count for something. I've never been sent home early for management disagreements, and other than the time I refused to come in on a Tuesday because it's not part of my availability , I've never had any major disagreements/arguments with management. Now, because of my forgetfulness I've had the to be called a few times to make sure I was coming in (like I thought I was scheduled at 5:30 when it was actually 5), but I'm usually putting on my shoes right when my phone rings.

I dislike taking anything bigger than a six-top because I hate carrying drinks for 8 or more people, and keeping multiple seats/checks straight when parties don't want to cooperate. I feel like I'm always in the weeds because I can't take parties and other tables at the same time and get everything done in a timely matter. Now, if you triple-seat me two-tops I can knock those out of the way easily. BAM BAM BAM.

That's how I usually make my money, two-tops. They're standard, easy tables, and I can give them all excellent service unless they're picky assholes. 

There are other servers who do way more than they're supposed to, going above and beyond the call of duty. Sometimes, that's me. But lately, no. Lately I've been average.

And I'm wondering if I'm going to be punished for being average...

As for what else is on my mind? I'm wondering if I'm slipping into my depressive funk again. I've been able to keep it away for some time, but it's starting to get so bad I'm overwhelmed with feeling tired all the time, relying on caffeine to keep me going, and my housework is suffocating. I see the mess, recognize that it needs to be cleaned and I'm smelling something gross, but at the same time... I don't care enough nor have the energy to commit to it, and so it doesn't get done.

I don't know how long those dishes have been sitting.

My living room is grossly overrun with garbage, soda cans, and paper work that spills out of desk cubby holes and folders I've jammed in various crevices. My bathroom is severely molded over, mildew overtaking my shower. Don't even ask me about the laundry.

There's just so much, and I feel like what's the point, it's just gonna get dirty again, we generate so much trash and waste and I don't understand why...

Another concern of mine is money, as usual. Because I can't seem to curb my spending, and I think my overspending right now is linked to me feeling so blue and overwhelmed all the time. 

And on top of that, there's some heavy debates going on my dash and Facebook and I'm getting physically ill looking at them. Almost panic attack symptoms to the point I am seriously considering about either blocking everyone or just disconnecting in general. It's not exactly triggering, but it's contributing to my despair and general ickiness.

[atomicshakespeare]

--

Okaaayy.... that was weird. So, okay, my honey and I are awesome with each other in that we can check each other's messages and send appropriate replies. He asked me to get on his Skype and talk to his RP group about what time he would be on later tonight, so I did. And... things got awkward because of this dude named Quinn just randomly blurting, "He's told us he really loves you."

And I then the other dude in the chat asks if I know when my honey is coming on, and then agrees with Quinn about him loving me, but that it's "weird whenever you say it."

I reply, "I... can't tell if you're being serious about him loving me or not..." 

"Brb," goes Quinn, after previously saying that rule number one is to put in a good word for your bro with their gf. Guess he didn't like me replying with the whole, "Oh, maybe we haven't said the L-word yet" situation....I didn't actually SAY THAT, but my comment about "dunno if you're serious or not..." should imply that we haven't said it yet.

We may or may not feel the L-word, but we haven't said it. Unless I was drunk. Then I might have said it then, but he probably didn't take me seriously... Anyway, so yeah.

Now I'm just curious to see how things go tonight... if he's gonna agree with Quinn about loving me, or just joke about his buddy fucking with my head and emotions...He was probably just joking and everything, totally not expecting my reaction or what... so.... yeah. Also I'm a bit socially awkward and may or may not have implied that Quinn's gf having a death by dinosaur would be kinda badass... They agreed with me, and then I tried to GTFO that chat. Soooo.... yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh.....

Hold me. I'm scared.

<small>Because, cue this: I feel like things are edging more and more towards the one-sided love. Like I feel it, he doesn't feel it nearly as much as I do, and probably never will... and I just sit here wondering if things will last or shatter into itty bitty pieces. </small>

[atomicshakespeare]

--

<sarcasm>

I just love being used. I love that feeling of someone constantly wanting to be around you, only to stop coming around once you stop being useful! Oh, it just fills me with such joy to only hear from them when shit goes wrong and I'm their last resort! Ah, yes! Such beauty when they use me for money, company, sex, or even simple affection, and then once they get it from someone else -- boom! I'm off-duty. Yay! That seems like that's all I'm good for when it comes to men, too. Gee, it just gives me such purpose in life to be a temporary thing in their life, never anything serious or permanent or meaningful.

I'm useful when they need me to be, and that's it. Once I stop being useful, I'm done for! But yes, oh oh, what joy it is. I can't seem to help myself from helping them~~

</sarcasm>

Fuck off, all of you. I'm done being used. I see your tricks, your manipulation. I see through your crocodile tears and faked concern. I am not blind to the fact that I have many things you don't and that's why you stick around... but once I lose those things and money is tough for me, you're gone.

EVERY.

FUCKING.

TIME.

[atomicshakespeare]

--

I'm a terrible, awful person. I am full of poison. I am full of suspicion and rage. I am worry and anxiety.

I just wanna kick everyone out and go brood under my covers. I'm a terrible person... I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I won't say it out loud.

[atomicshakespeare]

--

I want to write mushy Facebook posts about missing my boyfriend while he's at work, but I don't want it to sound clingy and obsessive. Also, I don't want people's stupidity and negativity commenting on my status.

I want to write mushy things about him, to him, for him, and instead I just keep it all inside because I don't want to scare him off or come off too strong...

He has a Tumblr and he follows me, but he hardly ever checks it so I'm guessing it's okay to post this here. He won't see it...And I don't want people seeing it on Facebook because my friends are far more toxic and judgemental there than they are here, so here is my proxy status that I would have posted...

Facebook only: I miss my honey, but he's at work makin' DAT MONEY. :(

Tumblr add-on to status above: ...He's makin' dat money and I'm over here doing stupid shit on Tumblr while waiting for my friends to get together for Winter Soldier tonight. DOOP DOOP DOOPY DOOP.

[atomicshakespeare]

I'm avoiding everyone and everything on April Fool's Day.

I know how mean people can be on April Fool's. I don't care for trolls or anon hate. I don't want people fucking with my emotions or playing mental games that far exceed practical jokes. 

I don't wanna be hurt by other people's fun, so TURTLE MODE ACTIVATE.

[atomicshakespeare]

-

Threw away an old sex toy today. Oh, nothing major -- JUST A VIBRATING REPLICA OF MY EX'S COCK.

....

..........

...I forgot I even had this until it popped out of the bag it was hiding in....

I'm not with this ex, I plan to never be with him again, and to be completely honest the replica of his was terrible and admittedly made me feel VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

So I threw it out. It's in my kitchen garbage can. No worries, my parents don't live with me anymore so it's not like they'll ever see it. BUT DAMMIT. 

I don't want my boyfriend seeing it and getting the wrong idea. :/