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danglovely · 8 months ago

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Regrading Taskmaster: S06E07 Roadkill doused in syrup.

*Score changes noted in parenthesis.

Just gonna note -- Alex is really into weird glasses.

Prize Task: The Scariest Thing From Your Kitchen

With a ham sandwich, that's a ticking time-bomb. You don't know!

Mandolin. So many people have talked about injuring themselves on a mandolin. Sarah Millican brings one in later and talks about cutting off her fingertip. There's a pretty infamous Masterchef clip about it (maybe don't watch it if squeamish). Anyway.

Alice brings in "sweaty ham." So I'm not a stickler on "best by" dates, but I can tell when ham has gone bad because it gets sticky and I hate it. I would be hard-pressed to consume it, even when I need to eat. That said, "scary" is not the word I'd use for it. Asim brings in fanart that (1) has no association with a "kitchen" and (2) is actually kind of a good sketch. Plus, like . . . if someone makes you some art, don't blow up their spot.

Russell has a "doggy-cam" that he claims his girlfriend uses to spy on him. It's a decent offering. Good for his relationship? No. Scary? Yes.

Tim brings a door with bad hinges that hits him on the head. *deep sigh* Yes, it's technically a scary thing in the kitchen and slots just behind Russell so far, but like . . . c'mon. You're professional entertainers. There had to be something better.

Liza has a food processor with a fake finger in it. This gets a bit at my pitch of "mandolin," but it's actually plenty safe. It probably goes between Tim and Russell, but other than Russell, underwhelming.

Alice: 2 (0) Asim: 1 (-3) Liza: 3 (0) Russell: 5 (0) Tim: 4 (+3)

VT 01: Knock the bails off the stumps. You've got a maximum of one over. You must make your attempts from behind this stump. No stumps may be moved. Fastest wins.

Call me when I'm needed.

Some people have been playing cricket in the park near my house and I have tried to get them to explain the rules to me. It is not information that is compatible with my brain.

Alright, this one is tough. No bones about it, Russell knocks it out of the park. Simultaneously, he does step on the red carpet and cross the stump by the end of his follow-through. Gut reaction? Give it to him . . . but that might be because I thought it was cool.

The tricky thing here is the task combines cricket terminology with silly bullshit. It uses the word "over" but also lets them use weird balls and pull the carpet and whatever. So do you follow cricket rules or don't you?

I also briefly had the thought that it's not clear what "behind the stump means," but any reasonable person would recognize it means in relation to the target.

Look, no one did it like they were playing cricket and no one argued the outcome. Studio scores it is.

Alice: 0 Asim: 0 Liza: DQ Russell: 5 Tim: 4

VT 02: Draw a picture of the contents of this box. You may not open the box or look inside.

Mahatmabra Ghandi!

There's a great debate about why Alex made the bra wet. I subscribe strongly to the theory that Alex was making the joke that "wet" is the opposite of "sere" and he always gets them mixed up, but who knows?

There's no win condition on this one! They get a bonus point for naming the David Attenborough pun, but that pretty much leaves it up to Greg to decide the thing is going to judged. I think a reasonable person would assume that the win condition would be "most accurate wins."

So, three items. We split the task into thirds and determine if each person accurately drew the item. Quality of the drawings would then be the tie-breaker.

Liza nails two and I'd say her drawing of Michelangelo's David is passable. Alice has the same issue with the David statue. I'd call it passable but worse than Liza's.

Asim -- I'd give him David (and it might even be more accurate than Alice's). I'd even give him the bra, despite looking like "a pair of glasses." I will not give him the hat.

I think I'm only calling the bra accurate for Tim. He seemed to recognize there was a man in the box, but there needs to be some recognition that it's David. Like even just adding a leaf. I'm also only giving Russell credit for recognizing the bra. I will break the tie in favor of Russell because I can imagine a hat in his drawing and I cannot do that with Tim.

So, Alice and Liza three of three, but Liza's is better. Asim two of three. Tim and Russell one of three, but Russell's is better. Add in the bonus point and this is what you get:

Alice: 4 (0) Asim: 3 (+2) Liza: 5 (0) Russell: 3 (+1) Tim: 1 (-3)

Team Task: Write down as many obscure animals as possible. Guess the animals your teammate has on their list. Your teammate must only use mime. They may not write anything down or show you the list.

Blue dog. That famous breed.

You couldn't imagine a better way for this task to turn out than what Asim did. Writing down fictional, insane animals and then he still is somehow able to convey them to Tim and Liza.

Here's the thing . . . Russell makes animal noises for at least two animals and we don't see the full eleven. They're only allowed to mime. I'm hesitant to treat it as a full DQ condition because Alex is in there and confirming when they can move onto the next guess.

I think the way to handle it is DQ two of Alice's guesses, which puts them at nine correct guesses and the team of three at eight correct. This is all academic, though. No score change.

Team Funk: 3 Asim, Liza & Tim: 2

VT 04: Wearing this sweatband around your head at all times, tuck as many items from the kitchen inside the sweatband as possible. Then make a pancake with a diameter of at least nine inches. Then eat the whole pancake. Most kitchen items successfully kept within the sweatband wins.

Weirdly you managed to leave a whisk, two spoons, and a spatula in there, which are the things you need to make a pancake.

No DQ conditions, but two things needed to complete the task: making and eating a nine-inch pancake. I suppose you could also argue what the minimum qualifications are for "being a pancake," but they all get close enough, so let's not get into it.

Alex does tell them there's a time limit on tucking things into their sweatbands, which is not on the task but is enforceable if he says it then and there (rather than afterwards like when we Joe Lycett taught us the show was a scam).

Alice loses her mind for a brief moment and intentionally shakes all her items out. Her sweatband also drops to her neck, which might not be the head, but close enough.

There's even a more pedantic debate as to whether a container of sprinkles (hundreds and thousands) qualifies as one thing or if you need to count every sprinkle. However, there's a more fundamental issue in that people didn't finish their pancake.

The thing said "eat the whole pancake" and the win condition was about items in the sweatband, not how much of the pancake was eaten. Russell's plate is clean by the end of it, so that would mean he's the only one getting points.

Alice: 0 (-2) Asim: 0 (-3) Liza: 0 (-5) Russell: 5 (0) Tim: 0 (-5)

Live Task: Get an egg as close to the center of the target as possible. You must stand on the spot when taking your turn. You must ROLL two of your eggs. The person whose egg is furthest from the center of the target after each round is eliminated.

He's not necessarily eliminated. Oh fuck off, Alex.

Russell reaaally shouldn't have started with the egg he cockishly broke. You get more points the longer you last and you're not gonna last long with that one. The strategy here is to save rolling the Ostrich egg until the end.

As with all elimination tasks, I can't really regrade because I don't know how people would have done in later rounds. Studio scores it is!

Alice: 3 Asim: 5 Liza: 2 Russell: 1 Tim: 4

F I N A L

Alice: 12 (-2) Asim: 11 (-4) Liza: 12 (-5) Tim: 15 (-5) Russell: 22 (+1)

Main score changes here due to my reading in a condition in the pancake task. Broke his egg, but he wins again.

#tm regrade #taskmaster #alice levine #asim chaudhry #liza tarbuck #russell howard #tim vine #greg davies #alex horne

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domestic-life-owa · 3 years ago

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Domestic Life of One Winged Angle Chapter 4

An: This was originally posted on AO3 by myself over a year ago, and I’ve decided to post it here too. This includes shipping pro wrestlers, if you don’t like please don’t reader. I’m also just reposting it here, and I changed my writing style, so some of it is in first person, and switches to third later

“When are you getting off?” Kenny asked through the phone as Adam walked down the hall.

“Technically I’m off now, but I’ve got to at least talk to the kids. Then I’ll meet you at the doctors, then we can go to Cody’s.”

“Ok, I’m just really nervous about this.”

“I know.” Adam smiled. “But it’s going to go great. I’ll see you in like 30 minutes, love you.”

“Love you too.” Kenny said before hanging up.

Adam slid his phone into his pocket as he walked into his classroom, and it was quite a sight. Cassidy was standing on a desk with a homemade paper crown on, both Trent and Chuck were standing next to the desk holding Rulers like swords. Jack was glaring daggers at the men along with a few others. Kris was watching, looking lost and unsure of what to do.

“Hey!” Adam Called out, causing them all to look over at him. “What’s going on?”

“These three of fucking idiots!” Jack snapped.

“Watch your language. Kris, what’s happening.”

“I-I’m not really sure…” she mumbled, looking between the men and Adam.

“Jack was being a bitch. So we claimed this deck and made Cassidy the king.” Chuck explained. Adam sighed, looking up at Cassidy.

“Get down.” He jumped down, and the room was still silent as Adam rubbed his eyes. “Guys, I really don’t have the time for this today. I know you guys can get along better than this.”

They all mumbled an apology, before taking a seat to let Adam talk. “Thank you, now I hate to do this, but we won’t have a meeting today.”

“Why?” A younger boy -Fuego- asked.

“I have prior commitments today, but I wanted to at least ask how fundraising is going.” Adam looked over at Kris, who stood up to talk.

“Trent and Myself were able to get permission from a store to do a car wash this weekend. I have a paper to sign up for time slots, and myself Trent, Chuck, Cassidy, and Jack will be there the whole time. I’ve also been in contact with the Halloween fair to see if we can work there next month.” Kris explained. Adam was pretty impressed at how well she had been handling everything with fundraising.

“Ok, it would be really helpful for you all to sign up for a time slot, Especially with the trip later this year. So Kris, let’s send the paper around and get out of here.”

Adam packed his stuff as he watched kids writing on the paper before leaving. Eventually it left just Adam and Kris in the room.

“You’re doing really well.” Adam comments, making Kris look over at him.

“Really? I feel like I’m doing awful.” She blushed a bit, scratching her neck.

“Why do you think that?” Adam asked, leading her out of his class room so he could lock it for the night.

“I’m just really overwhelmed I guess.” She explained. “I have my normal school work, I have the club, I still don’t know what I’m doing next year, and they just announced the Senior project.”

“What is it this year?”

“Life shadow someone you look up to. I have to write an essay on why I look up to them, and how they live their life- Wait!” Kris yelled, causing Adam to stop abruptly, surprised by her outburst. “I know exactly who I could write about!”

“Who?”

“You!” She said excitedly. “I would have to see what you do a couple days a year, and interview a few people you spend time with, but there isn’t another person I admire more than you!”

Adam frowned a bit, quite unsure about the idea. Kris’s face fell when she saw his expression, which he quickly tried to fix.

“I’ll tell you what, I can talk to Kenny, and on Monday I can get you an answer.” He offered. Kris smiled at the idea as they exited the building.

“That sounds fair. Thank you so much, have a good night Mr. Page.” She called out as she ran off towards student parking. Adam watched her for a moment before looking at his phone for the time. His eyes went wide when he saw he had about 10 minutes to get to the doctors office to meet up with Kenny.

“Adam!” Adam looked up as he got out of his truck, seeing Kenny already waiting at the door of the small office. Adam waved as he jogged over to his husband.

“Hey.” Adam leaned over to give Kenny a kiss, wrapping his arms around Kenny’s midsection. “How was your day?”

“Fine, I’ve been waiting for the appointment all day.” Kenny admitted, blushing a bit. Adam chuckled, Releasing Kenny to take his hand and open the door.

“Well, come on.” He pulled Kenny with him into the building. It smelt like rubbing alcohol, and there was a woman sitting at the front desk who looked up when she heard them come in.

“Hello, do you have an appointment?” She asked, a large smile on her face.

“Ya. Adam and Kenny Omega’Page for 4 o’clock.” Adam said, taking the paperwork from the women.

“Ok, fill this out and we will call you back in a few.” She explained. Both men found a seat and began filling out the paperwork. “You know, I’ve seen couples come in, single women, even women who bring their sisters. But I’ve never seen a guy and his brother come to an apartment like this.”

Kenny chuckled a bit as Adam shook his head. “You’ll have to wait a little longer for that. Adam is my husband.”

The woman turned bright red as she rushed to apologize, but Adam just waved it off.

“It’s fine ma’am, you didn’t mean anything by it.” Adam said, giving her a smile. The women apologized once again before going back to her work. It didn’t take long for them both to get called back, and showed them the room to go in. Inside sat at the desk was a woman, who gave them both warm smiles.

“Hey Brandi.” They both greeted her as they sat across from her.

“How are you guys? It’s been awhile.”

“Ya, I think the last time we saw you and Velvet was Nick's birthday.” Kenny commented.

“How is red?” Adam asked.

“She’d be pissed to still have you calling her ‘red’” Brandi glared at him, but Adam just smirked at him.

“She’s the one who dyed her hair an awful red color junior year.”

“Shouldn’t you be old enough to not make fun of her for it anymore?”

“What’s she gonna do? Sell me a house I can’t afford?” This got a laugh out of Kenny, who immediately shut up when he saw Brandi’s face.

“You’re married to a child Kenny.”

“Oh I know, trust me.”

“Hey!” Adam gave Kenny an offended look. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

Kenny ignored his husband, to talk with Brandi again. “Are you guys going to Cody’s tonight?”

“You mean his child boyfriends birthday?”

“Max isn’t that young.” Adam said, rolling his eyes.

“He’s a college student.”

“He just started his Senior year, so he’ll be done soon. Besides, Max isn’t nearly as bad as Randy was for him.” Kenny’s offered.

“Orton was a creep. A college student had no business being with a high school student. Although it’s a little weird to go from an older man to a younger one.”

“Don’t forget the few years he was with you.” Adam joked.

“Please let me forget that.” She groaned before straightening up. “Ok, we actually need to get started. So you called because you wanted to discuss… having a baby?” The end was more of a question, as though unsure if she was right.

“Um, ya. We’ve talked about it a couple of times and we’re in a pretty good place financially, so we think we’re ready to take that step.” Kenny explained. With Adam back at work Kenny had been the one to make the appointment, and had started his own research on what they could do.

“Ok, well you have a couple of options. And before I say anything I need to add, I’m not really the doctor you would go to for this, but I know enough. So you have the option of foster care and adoption, you could also find a surrogate if you want. It’s really up to how you want to approach it.” She explained, sliding a folder towards them. “This has some information on the process of a surrogate pregnancy. I didn’t add much on adoption, I figured you could look that up on your own.”

Adam picked the folder up, looking inside of it. It had a few papers about the process and price, along with some additional information. “Brandi, we can’t thank you enough for this.” Adam thanked her, but she waved it off.

“Please, we’ve been waiting to figure out how long it would take for you both to decide it was time. You're the best with kids.”

Kenny had stolen the folder from Adam, looking at it himself now.

“Well, like I said that’s about all I can really do for you as of right now. If you ever need any help understanding this stuff you can give me a call.” She assured Adam. Both stood up and Adam set his hand on Kenny, letting him know they were all standing. Kenny quickly stood as well, flashing Brandi a smile.

“Guess we will see you in a little.”

“Let Cody know we will be a little late, I have to finish some paperwork then me and Velvet will be on our way.”

Both men assured her they would before leaving the office, bidding goodbye to the secretary who still seemed embarrassed about earlier.

“Did you walk here?” Adam asked Kenny as they walked towards his truck. Adam didn’t need to look at Kenny to know he was nodding his head- hell, he didn’t even need to ask. Kenny would walk everywhere if he could.

Once both men were in the truck and Adam was driving down the road he decided to bring up Kris’s question.

“They announced the Senior project.”

“What is it this year?”

“They have to do a paper about the day in the life of someone they look up to.” Adam explained.

“That sounds so cute!” Kenny gushed, but his face quickly got a scowl. “Do you remember ours?”

“‘Write an essay about the most memorable night of your high school’ I didn’t think it was that bad. What did you write about again?”

“The night after you shattered every damn bone in your hips, knees, and legs.” Adam laughed at Kenny’s description of his injuries.

“I didn’t shatter every bone, just a lot of them.”

“You never told me what you wrote about.” Kenny pointed out.

“That’s because I wanted to keep it a secret. Maybe I’ll tell you when we get home.”

“Buzz kill.” Kenny mumbled, earning a grin from Adam.

“Anyways, Kris approached me today and wanted to know if she could do the project on me.”

“Really?” Kenny asked.

“Ya, I told her I would need to ask you. It would include her basically shadowing us a few times throughout the year, and interviews with people like you and some friends.”

“I think it’s sweet that she wants to do it about you. Plus you’ve talked about her before right? She’s in a bunch of your classes?”

“She has me for multimedia advanced, advanced journalism, and creative writing. She also spends some of her free periods in my room helping out with stuff. She's a really good kid.”

“As long as you're ok with it I don’t mind.”

“Ok. I’m glad to at least do this for her. She is freaking out about what to do after high school. She’s constantly asking me what plans I had.”

“Did you tell her I had you wrapped around my finger by the end of sophomore year?” Kenny asked, earning a glare from Adam.

“I told her that I definitely didn’t end up doing any of my original plans, but that I still have a pretty great life. Good job, nice house-“

“Extremely attractive husband.” Kenny cut in.

“Believe it or not, I don’t discuss my ‘attractive husband’ around students all day.”

“I talk about you all the time on my channel.”

“I know. I have one of your fans in my class. The kid knows more about me than I know about myself.” The kid in question was a nice boy, and honestly reminded him of what Kenny would have been like if he was less popular.

Adam pulled to a stop at a nice house. It had two levels, and a relatively large yard with a fence to keep Pharo in. There were already plenty of cars parked around the house. “Be nice tonight.”

“I’m always nice!” Kenny argued.

“Not to Cody. And Max hates it, so leave it alone tonight.” Adam reminded. Kenny mumbled something that even though he couldn’t hear, he was sure was a collection of cusses at Max. “Now, let's go to a Rhodes party.

#kenny omega #Adam page #Brandi Rhodes #high school teacher au #kris statlander #jungle boy #Orange Cassidy

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sanchoyo · 3 years ago

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danny phantom season 2, episode 17-20 thoughts! finishing up season two! the finale is the THIRD 2-PARTER OF SEASON 2. that's so many! I wonder how many season 3 will have?

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-UERGH WHY DOES VLAD HAVE AN AI WITH MADDIE'S FACE ON IT. SOOO CREEPY. AND MORE 'CREATIONS' waiiiit. vlad is Dr. Frankenstein! (despite his ghost design obviously referencing vampires) HE HAS 'CREATIONS' HE MAKES THEN WONT TAKE REAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR!!! this bitch.

-danny was late and his friends immediately start going off about how hes inconsiderate, and has been treating them like sidekicks??? he just overslept, my god. chill. even if he has, be nicer about talking about it with him?? he really can't help that he sometimes has to chase the ghosts, or has a secret identity to protect...

-'what kind of ghost haunts a miniature golf course' umm. me as a ghost. next question

-imagine going home and theres a tiny child on your bed claiming to be your cousin. with as many cousins I have, I would probably believe her. but the 'ran away from home' BIT....SHES 12?? SHES SO TINY. I hate that they have her belly out in her ghost form, but I like how her colors are asymmetrical. something about her design...maybe the proportions?? are weird to me...anyway danny was good to feed her, but he shouldve taken her to his parents FIRST. or, tbh, probably jazz. (JAZZ DIDNT EVEN GET TO MEET HER!!! NOOO. I mean she said she'll be BACK BUT STILL)

-ANYWAY. shes voiced by AnnaSophia Robb, the girl who was in because of winn dixie, played as violet from charlie and the chocolate factory, and was the girl from bridge to terrabithia. (the movie that made me cry hysterically when I was 12 and I never watched it again because it Broke Me!) thats super cool.

-vlad sucks: the episode, basically. what's new!! I love how he's like, I'm Not A Villain. *immediately cuts to him torturing danny to make him transform, to get mid-transformation DNA, to perfect a Clone.* *immediately shows that he doesnt give a shit about his new daughter Dani and just wants a ''more perfect clone'' and will put her in danger to get that. will let her DIE to get that*

-Dani is danny's clone and is a girl? transgenderism....one of them has to be trans. or they both are.

-dani just. leaving at the end. WHAT? SHES 12. DONT JUST. NO!!! SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST BORN, A MONTH AGO AT MOST, RIGHT?? SHE NEEDS...SOMEWHERE TO LIVE. MONEY? FOOD?? A FAMILY?? AN EDUCATION???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S LEAVING!!! OKAY BYE I GUESS!!! D: concern!!!

-the next ep opens with skulker chasing a ghost down. ...does skulker count as a ghost hunter in the way valerie and danny do? I mean, sure, he hunts the good guys too, but he. he hunts ghosts...also, we haven't seen his Real Form since his debut episode! tiny...

-the guys in white are back! ngl, I assumed they were a gag for that one episode. you're telling me they might actually be a threat? ok.

-valerie in her lil nasty burger uniform looks so cute!! glad shes not in that mascot uniform this time. I guess she stopped hiding that she's working there now?

-gregor having white hair, dressed in black and white...and green eyes...sam has a Type, I guess.

-danny being unnecessarily hostile about gregor. danny!!! hes been nice so far. he looks a little...tall to be 14, but. danny doesnt know anything about him! (he does Suspect, but...you cant just spy on people and be rude to them from a hunch.) also, gregor kissed her, and when she freaked out, he was like 'oh no!! sorry, we can take it slow! I understand!' which was NICE. I hate jealousy plots still tho.

-altho. umm. tucker, being concerned about danny spying on them??? SAM AND YOU WERE SPYING ON DANNY AND VALERIE A FEW EPISODES AGO!!!!! im not saying its RIGHT, but dont be a hypocrite!!! AND THEN SAM BEING MAD ABOUT IT, TOO.

-DANNY IS A 7 ON THE SCALE OF ECTOPLASMIC POWER!!! out of 10? so I want to know where the other ghosts rank...I mean it's a list from the guys in white, so, it may not even be accurate, like, they havent seen ALL of his powers, have they?

-Lancer being like 'im not cooperating with the FEDS' until they said they could access his tax records. they already did that joke with jack, but like, its still funny. kings of tax evasion.

-tucker's aggressive third-wheeling. but gregor being super into it. gregor/tucker is the real ship here. then gregor kissing danny on both cheeks after hugging him. bi poly king gregor. (he does turn out to be a liar with a phoney accent. unsurprising, BUT THE CONCEPT OF HIM BEING GENUINE AND THEM ALL DATING IS FUN)

-THE...GUYS IN WHITE THINKING GREGOR IS DANNY PHANTOM. LMAOOO. GET HIS ASS. or,, Elliot. lmfao

-sam saying tucker is part of the package because theyre friends was super sweet <3 but also 'part of the package'...polyships are obviously the solution to these dumb jealousy/love triangle plots.

-danny crashed a whole plane. the collateral damage...

-is he....

-you know....

.... (ITS NOT GAY IF YOU'RE DOING IT TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT, AND LIE TO A GIRL. RIGHT? he was getting a little too into pretending to enjoy tucker's company, and the above...c'mon, guy.)

-lmao, freakshow is in actual prison. I didn't expect a follow up, or for him to show back up! in the finale of this season, too!

-THE SICK TATTOO GHOST IS NAMED LYDIA!!! more Lore On her. freakshow seemed genuinely concerned about her. also, is she mute? I don't think she talked the first time we saw her, either. and we didn't know freakshow 'envied' ghosts, either, the first time, we just knew he was controlling them. interesting!

-...they literally stole the infinity gauntlet from marvel and called it the reality gauntlet. is that legal. what the fuck. even with the gems in the lil slots, having different powers...they had freakshow in jail, but didnt check his pockets??! hes just still in his lil outfit??? what kind of ...oh, its in amity park. yeah, all of the adults are idiots, okay, sure.

-'freakshow!' 'in the anemic flesh!' dude take some iron pills then. also, sure, the red eyes could be contacts for his aesthetic, but the whites of his eyes are yellow! does he have jaundice?! he severely needs more...like, every kind of vitamin. (this is what im worried about as freakshow attacks danny with giant robots)

-again, goth circus is a sick theme, and I love his goth train.

-oh FUCK every single person saw danny transform. on a stage. including his parents via TV. oh god. the guys in white and immediately like 'youre coming in for experiments!' SCARY. at least the crowd is willing to help him to escape...perks of now being a local celeb! even the kids at school are accepting :) this is what, the third time his family has found out? its always been an alt timeline tho. and danny fully intending to just rewrite things again instead of...I dunno, trying to roll with it this time? hes really worried his family won't accept him, huh...

-'maybe our son IS THE GHOST BOY, but its not as if our family's ghostly activities have EVER PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN DANGER' maddie. mmmmmmmmmmmm. okay.

-danny 100% prepared to run away from home because of this :( oh :( and saying his parents are 'looking for him, or a scalpel to dissect him with' ouch...

-THE GUYS IN WHITE TRYING TO ARREST A 14 YEAR OLD. fuck da feds.

-side note (another one about voice actors...) freakshow's voice actor, Jon Cryer, was lex luthor in pretty much every DC tv show, which is why I recognized his voice, because my dad loves those shows so I've seen a good bit of them without seeking them out...)

-the old man saying 'hey, i still had minutes left!' and danny saying 'you gotta watch those roaming charges!' about danny destroying the people in the diner's phones so no one could report seeing him...would kids today understand these things. can you even BUY minutes anymore...I remember my first phone being a flip phone, and the fact I always had minutes when my sister ran out super fast, because I didnt have friends calling or texting me like she did...:/

-the fentons being genuinely like 'why didnt danny trust us and tell us this, we love him :(' and JAZZ LAYING INTO THEM WITH THE 'DISSECTION/MOLECULE BY MOLECULE' LINES. LITERALLLLY. they need to apologize

-technically, lydias stronger than you! -jazz lesbianism moments! when did you even learn her name!!! but also get freakshows ass. lydia is also cooler looking. looove her design sm still.

-jazz psychoanalyzing freakshow... (also, her also having ghost envy? au where jazz is a ghost!! id like to see it)

-im glad the kids still got to go to their respective vacation things, even if they cant really stick around and enjoy them much...

-furry: confirmed. (also tucker calling her hot. tucker is a furry confirmed)

-danny being mad someone at the comic con is selling comics of him without permission, lmfao. give him his royalties!

-freakshow > thanos because hes a drama clown and does use his gauntlet to be FLASHY AND DRAMATIC.

-jazz's 'USE PYSCOLOGY' to danny about freakshow LMAOO. AND THEN IT WORKING. but, oh, freakshow's ghost form sucks. I like him as a clown better tbh. good thing danny took away his ghost powers!

-his parents hugging him and saying theyre proud :"( and saying 'of course you lied to us, we never gave you a reason not to!' and saying they were in the wrong basically for always talking about hurting ghosts aaaa :""(

-then he WIPED THEIR MEMORIES AGAIN!!! FUCK. I can understand him wiping the goverments/student bodies' memories, but why his parents?? they were being accepting!! ARGHHH. season 3 couldve been them all trying to adjust to them knowing!

-I know, on a meta level the showrunners probably wanted to just reset things to the status quo of him having a secret identity. But. We've been doing that for (2) seasons, I'd love if season 3 could be like, his parents adjusting to this and trying way harder to learn more and accept it (and the shenanigans that could come from that) and for fun, if he didn't wipe the students memories, it could be him being popular for a while, then everyone slowly realizing, oh, he's still Danny. Like. he might have ghost powers but hes Just The Same Guy instead of putting him on a pedestal (and seeing them all try and help him hide it from the giw/people who don't know!!)

-fuck they didn't even explain WHY he wiped everyone except sam, tucker and jazz's memories. he just Did It right when his parents were saying they loved/accepted him!! and sam and tucker didnt question it at all!!! HELLO??? very annoyed about this turn of events.

-anyway. onto season 3! I know its shorter than the first two seasons, and is the last season... I might just do it in 2 bursts if I can... :3c depends on the episodes' content and how much I want to say about each!

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #dp thoughts

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tigerkirby215 · 3 years ago

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5e Olaf, the Beserker build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Phroilan Gardner. Made for Riot Games.)

youtube

Olaf sounds like ProZD’s Archibald voice. Especially Olaf’s voice lines for using his Q it sounds exactly like ProZD’s “Huah! I think that enemy got the point!” Like I’m not crazy right? Please tell me I’m not the only one who hears this.

Anyways Olaf has been on my To Do List ever since I realized that I haven’t made a single champion whose name starts with the letter O. My desire to make Olaf was only further accentuated by the Sentinels of Light event, even if his inclusion in that event could best be summed up with...

But I won’t ignore Olaf just because the Sentinels of Light event was a flop. He’s still a compelling character that I have actually gotten some requests to make. After all: the dual-axe wielding Barbarian is an iconic image!

I mean, Olaf is probably just going to be 20 levels in Beserker Barbarian so I don’t know why you need me to make a build for that.

GOALS

C'mon, I won't hurt you - We’ll need ways to heal when we harm in the middle of combat.

Death by steel! - Swing axe, throw axe; unga bunga me play Olaf.

The might of Lokfar approaches - I didn’t manage to do so with Mundo but Olaf is going to need to have CC immunity.

RACE

Olaf is a human; feel free to pick a different race like Goliath or even Custom Lineage to justify him being Iceborn but Variant Human is still the best option. Increase your Strength by 1 as well as your Constitution, grab any skill proficiency of your choice as it honestly doesn’t matter much for Olaf (maybe you should’ve been Custom Lineage for Darkvision after all?), and the Primordial language because I’m sure you picked up on the language of the wild.

For your feat you have a choice: Dual Wielder will let you wield two d8 Battleaxes (instead of d6 Handaxes) and also increase your AC by 1 while dual-wielding, but the Fighting Initiate feat will let you grab Two-Weapon Fighting which will let you add your Strength modifier to your second axe’s swing. I persually opted for Dual Wielder as it gives you more benefits overall, and we’ll be getting ways to throw axes without having to hold onto them first.

ABILITY SCORES

15; STRENGTH - I mean, you’re a shirtless Barbarian running around with two axes. You thought this would be a DEX build?

14; CONSTITUTION - The reason you can’t die is because you’re so hardy. Sucks!

13; CHARISMA - Despite Riot’s great attempts at writing you as poorly as possible you do still have some sort of Charisma. Remember that Charisma is force of personality, not necessarily good looks or personal hygiene. Charisma is needed for Intimidation as well as multiclassing.

12; DEXTERITY - You need to be quick on your feet to run at your enemies with reckless abandon.

10; WISDOM - If you were wise you wouldn’t be trying to kill yourself.

8; INTELLIGENCE - You stopped caring about education the moment you were born. Battle is the only thing in your blood!

This build is also quite viable with Point Buy, going for a stat array like 15 / 12 / 14 / 8 / 8 / 14 if you want lower mental stats but higher combat stats.

BACKGROUND

The Uthgardt Tribe Member background from the Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide is basically the Outlander background but you actually belonged to Freljordian society once. Regardless you do get proficiency in Athletics as well as Survival (”Survival” as in finding food to eat, not as in keeping safe on the battlefield!), a musical instrument or artisan’s tool of your choice (choose whatever you fancy and make your own Olaf, as long as it’s something a warrior would do! I personally opted for Smith’s Tools to sharpen your axes), and a language of your choice (pick whatever language they spoke back in the villages.)

Your background Uthgardt Heritage is the Outlander’s Wanderer feature with extra steps: along with being able to find food and water you are also treated well by nomads and wanderers who have heard of your glorious battles!

(Artwork by Marie Magny and West Studios. Made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - BARBARIAN 1

Starting off as a Barbarian because what else would we be? You get proficiency in two skills from the Barbarian list: Intimidation is an obvious must and Perception will help you find good fights to take!

As a Barbarian you get Unarmored Defense equal to your Dexterity plus your Constitution, which is currently a 13... Well Medium Armor is an option if you want to finally put on a shirt. And of course as a Barbarian you can Rage to deal more damage and resist incoming damage! You can’t cast spells while Raging, but that won’t matter, right? It’s not like I’m about to give you caster levels.

LEVEL 2 - FIGHTER 1

Quickly hopping over to Fighter to further your martial skills. You can grab a Fighting Style like Thrown Weapon Fighting to draw weapons in the same action you make to throw them, and also do +2 damage with thrown weapon attacks. See? Told you we’d be able to throw axes easily!

You also get Second Wind for some not-quite-Lifesteal to keep you in the fight to claim even more glory! Certainly not to stay alive.

LEVEL 3 - FIGHTER 2

Well another Fighter level for Action Surge is certainly worth it, as you can push yourself to destroy your foes!

LEVEL 4 - FIGHTER 3

But we need one more Fighter level to be able to get our axes back after we throw them. Eldritch Knights get Weapon Bond, allowing them to always keep two weapons on hand and never lose them. While bonded with a weapon you can’t be disarmed of them, and you can use a Bonus Action to recall a weapon if it’s not in your hands. My suggestion would be to bond to a Battleaxe and a Handaxe, so you can’t be disarmed of at least one of your main weapons and can also call your thrown axe back to throw it again!

You also get Spellcasting as an Eldritch Knight: You learn two cantrips from the Wizard list, and three spells as well. You may be thinking ��wait; didn’t you dump Intelligence?” That is correct, but you don’t need Intelligence to cast Light to see with your dumb human eyes (I mean technically you need Intelligence if you want to cast Light on someone else but it’s probably easier just to light up your axe and throw it at them) or Prestidigitation, which is a better spell for creating bonfires than the actual Create Bonfire spell.

Your leveled spells have to be from either the Evocation or Abjuration schools, but thankfully Absorb Elements and Shield are both from the Abjuration school and also don’t need Intelligence. Protect yourself from damage to have a truly glorious death! Because it’s not like blocking attacks will keep you alive.

You can also learn one spell from any school and uhhhh... Pick your poison between Jump and Longstrider, to make it easier to chase your foes. Are there probably better spells? Yeah, but do they fit Olaf?

(Artwork by Xiao Guang Sun and West Studios. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 5 - PALADIN 1

Jumping over to Paladin for a few abilities, such as Divine Sense to find some things that will put up a good fight like Fiends, Undead, or... Celestials? I’m sure they hit hard! You can also find a good desecrated (or consecrated) battleground with this ability, as I’m sure there will be good enemies there! You only know of an enemy’s type however, not their name. And if they’re hiding from you this ability won’t make it any easier to find them.

You also get Lay on Hands, which is like lifesteal you can give to allies! You have a pool of hit points equal to your Paladin level times 5, and you can use it to either heal (at a rate of 1 point per hitpoint) or neutralize a poison or disease affecting a target. (5 Lay on Hands health to neutralize one poison or disease.) Dying to natural causes isn’t a glorious death, brother!

LEVEL 6 - PALADIN 2

We’ll also need second level in Paladin to get a Fighting Style, but since Wizards of the Coast hates fun you can’t can’t take Two-Weapon Fighting, and since we’re running around in our birthday suit Defense also isn’t an option. The best official Fighting Style you can take is Blind Fighting (Blessed Warrior is okay too if you want Guidance I guess) but talk to your DM about potentially letting you take Two-Weapon Fighting? It’s not like it’s OP or anything (in all honesty it’s kinda shit.)

Paladins also get... more Spellcasting?! Disgusting! Well this spellcasting is based on your Charisma modifier instead of your Intelligence, which might be why we have it at a 14. But even so you can’t prepare that many spells: Divine Favor will let you empower all your attacks with more damage for some Vicious Strikes, Cure Wounds will again be acting as life-not-quite-steal, and Shield of Faith will let you or an ally absorb more blows, not that you want to live or anything. Also remember to check the Player’s Handbook to see how many spell slots you’d have after mixing two casters together.

But I still think the best course of action for your spell slots is to use them for Divine Smite! Throw caution and magic to the wind to make a Reckless Swing that does extra Radiant damage (depending on the level of the spell slot used.) The Smite deals 2d8 of damage for a first level slot, and an additional d8 of damage for every slot above first. (The simple way to remember this is that you roll a number of d8s equal to the spell slot used plus one.) If the enemy is a Fiend or Undead the damage increases by a d8! The maximum level spell slot you can use for this is a 4th level slot (for 5d8 damage, or 6d8 against a Fiend or Undead), but I doubt we’ll get spell slots that big.

LEVEL 7 - PALADIN 3

We may as well take a third level in Paladin for a Sacred Oath, and you swore an Oath of Glory in battle! Along with Guiding Bolt and Heroism being added to your spell list (as if you can cast spells lmao) you get two Channel Divinity options: Peerless Athlete turns you into... well, a Peerless Athlete with advantage on Athletics and Acrobatics checks. You can also carry, push, drag, and lift twice as much weight as normal, and to top it off the distance of your long and high jumps increases by 10 feet. This boost lasts for 10 minutes which should be more than enough to give it your all in battle!

Alternatively for some more not-quite-lifesteal Inspiring Smite can be activated after you Smite to give yourself or nearby allies within 30 feet temporary hitpoints. The total number of temporary hit points gained by this ability equals 2d8 + your Paladin level, and you can distribute them amongst yourself and your allies however you wish. Technically the most gameplay-accurate way to split the Temp HP would be to take it all yourself but being helpful has its benefits. A battle is truly glorious if fought alongside an army of companions!

You also get Divine Health, because Glory doesn’t die on sick days!

LEVEL 8 - PALADIN 4

It’s about time to take that 4th Paladin level to finally get an Ability Score Improvement: +2 to Strength for stronger axe swings is an obvious choice!

You can also prepare another spell like Bless, which will make it easier for you and your allies to smite your foes and survive their blows! Wait, what was that about surviving?

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 9 - PALADIN 5

Since it’s so close we may as well take the 5th level of Paladin so you can finally make an Extra Attack. That means you have two attacks normally and a third attack with your Bonus Action thanks to Two-Weapon Fighting!

You can also prepare second level Paladin spells now, and the Oath of Glory gives you Enhance Ability and Magic Weapon as spells you can cast. Believe it or not these are actually useful, even with your low spellcasting modifier!

LEVEL 10 - PALADIN 6

The 6th level of Paladin is honestly too good to pass up: even though Aura of Protection is only adding +2 to all your saving throws (since your Charisma is kinda uhhh... not good?) that’s still +2 to all your saves, as well as the saves of your allies within 10 feet. That’s like, two whole Rings of Protection!

Speaking of rings: Warding Bond was added to the Paladin spell list thanks to Tasha’s and it’ll let you take damage for your allies to die in their place! As long as you don’t mind wearing some platnium rings in your beard, at least.

LEVEL 11 - PALADIN 7

What we’re really here for is the 7th level of Glory Paladin. Aura of Alacrity will increase the speed of you and your allies within 5 feet (not 10, because Wizards of the Coast are weird) by 10 feet, so you can charge at your foes with the might of Ragnarok!

LEVEL 12 - PALADIN 8

But we may as well take the 8th level of Paladin for another Ability Score Improvement: cap off your Strength for the deadliest strikes possible.

You can also prepare another spell but it would be wise to wait for...

(Artwork by JoJo So. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 13 - PALADIN 9

9th level Paladins can prepare third level spells like Crusader’s Mantle to give all your nearby allies the Divine Favor buff to rush into battle with you! But the main reason we’re dipping this deep into Paladin is for the two spells from the Oath of Glory: Protection from Energy perhaps isn’t all that fitting, but Haste is insanely useful and powerful. More attacks, more speed, more... armor? Well, it’s no matter. More glorious battle!

LEVEL 14 - PALADIN 10

10th level Paladins won’t be swayed by magic swaying their hearts! Aura of Courage will let you (and your allies within 10 feet) laugh in the face of death as you gain immunity to the Frightened condition!

You can also prepare another spell like Aura of Vitality: you can use it to heal yourself but healing your allies will lead to a far more glorious story to tell of your death.

LEVEL 15 - PALADIN 11

I promise that we’ll go back to Barbarian levels soon but 11th level Paladins get a huge boost to their damage output thanks to Improved Divine Smite. This ability affects all your attacks (not just your Smites despite the name) to give them an extra d8 of Radiant damage. This has obvious synergy with your choice to swing two axes since your Two-Weapon Fighting attack will also get that extra d8 of damage!

LEVEL 16 - PALADIN 12

Okay but let’s quickly grab the 12th level of Paladin first. You can either increase your Constitution for more health and AC, or your Charisma for better saving throws and spellcasting. I personally opted for Charisma but if you value health and AC then Constitution is good too!

Oh and yeah you can prepare more spells, but there aren’t really that many other third level spells I want.

(Artwork by Alvin Lee. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 17 - PALADIN 13

That’s because 13th level Paladins finally get 4th spells which most importantly means Freedom of Movement! There you go you finally have Ragnarok’s CC immunity! You also get Compulsion which sure would be a good spell if you had any Charisma to actually cast it.

But you can also prepare more spells like Aura of Purity so you and your allies can shrug off whatever your foes might throw at you to stop you from reaching them, or Death Ward which you ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT USE ON YOURSELF.

LEVEL 18 - PALADIN 14

Okay but the 14th level of Paladin gives you Cleansing Touch, letting you cleanse spells without spell slots to cast Freedom of Movement. You can use this feature a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier and regain all expended uses at the end of a Long Rest.

You could also perhaps prepare another spell like... Aid? I don’t know really by this point the magic is secondary. We’ll be going back to Barbarian soon anyways.

LEVEL 19 - PALADIN 15

But 15th level Glory Paladins get Glorious Defense, and we can’t pass that up! When you or another creature you can see (technically an enemy if you so desire!) within 10 feet of you is hit by an attack roll, you can use your reaction to grant a bonus to the target’s AC against that attack equal to your Charisma modifier. If the attack misses you can make one weapon attack against the attacker as part of this reaction, provided the attacker is within your weapon’s range. You can do this a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier, and regain all uses at the end of a Long Rest.

LEVEL 20 - PALADIN 16

But since it’s so close one final level in Paladin would be good for one final ASI: again more Constitution means more health and AC, but more Charisma will boost all your Paladin abilities!

Speaking of Paladin abilities you can prepare one more spell before we start taking more Barbarian levels... honestly you can pick your poison as it won’t matter much when your Raging!

...Wait.

WHY NO BARBARIAN LEVELS?

There’s a lot of things that I can’t do as a Barbarian. The most notable option that would be restricted if I went pure Barbarian would be Freedom of Movement, and while crowd control is somewhat rare in D&D being able to ignore it is far more important to Olaf as a character.

There’s also no Barbarian that has lifesteal besides Path of the Beast, and the only Barbarian that can throw its axe easily is Path of Wild Magic. Obviously neither of these fit Olaf.

Ultimately Paladin gave us more of Olaf’s abilities. The only ability that Barbarians have which fit Olaf other than Unarmored Defense and I guess Unarmored Movement would be Feral Instinct. But even the Barbarian subclasses don’t fit Olaf with the only ones which make any sense being maybe Totem Warrior? (Despite Olaf’s title Berserker wouldn’t fit him well, mostly because Berserker is a bad subclass.) But we miss out on so many of Olaf’s actual abilities by making him a Barbarian.

tl;dr Barbarians can’t do magic and Olaf has a ton of abilities that can only be recreated in D&D with magic

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Urge to kill rising... - Two-Weapon Fighting really doesn’t get the respect it deserves by the D&D community. You wouldn’t be able to get three attacks as a level 11 Paladin in any other way, meaning that you can truly capitalize on Improved Divine Smite. Not to mention the general increased DPS of 3 attacks and 3 chances to Smite!

Faster to battle! - It was not my intention but Glory Paladins are surprisingly good team players with a variety of spells and abilities that can keep your team alive and increase their strength in battle.

Obliteration! - You’re fairly hard to kill... oops. But between decently high health, spells to defend yourself, and damn high saving throws no matter how you increase your Charisma you’ll be quite a challenge to eventually take down! Sure your AC might suck... we should probably talk about that.

CONS

The worth of a man can be measured by the length of his beard, and the girth of his belt buckle - Hey remember that one Barbarian level I took pretty much entirely so you could have Unarmored Defense? Yeah honestly it’s gimping you hard, to the point that even Mage Armor would give you more AC. Honestly playing this build as Fighter 4 / Paladin 16 would be far better as you’d get one more ASI at the cost of actually having to wear armor. Hell going full Paladin 20 would give you the Living Legend capstone which is crazy strong, and while the loss of Action Surge would hurt you can grab the Thrown Weapon Fighting Style with a feat. (Or just take Two-Weapon Fighting style with your Variant Human Feat and run around with Hand Axes.)

If you’re really dead-set on going unarmored beg your DM for a Barrier Tattoo: either a Rare one (you’ll still need 14 DEX for something something legally-not-Medium Armor) or a Very Rare one (so you don’t even have to worry about Dexterity.) You can even go the Tahm Kench route and grab Eldritch Adept for Disguise Self to look unarmored if it’s really that important to you.

Well that was a pretty long con to say “Barbarian Olaf bad.” What else is there?

Chop chop! - Who would’ve guessed that dumping both mental stats would make you a dummy? While Aura of Protection saves you to some extent the party won’t be turning to you for any History checks.

Finally, some fun! - You have a rather silly amount of spells relative to your spell slots, and a good number of them are Concentration as well. Throwing all your slots to the wind to Divine Smite with reckless abandon sounds fun but managing both your Concentration and your spell slots will take some effort.

But your choice to go in without armor is just a self-handicap after all: you really want to die, and prove yourself in death! Fight the toughest fights and take down the strongest foes until you finally prove your prophecy wrong and fall before the blade of the mightiest foe! But perhaps you should instead sit down and have a muffin, and think about why you truly want to die die die.

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

#dnd #dnd 5e #dnd build #dnd guide #dnd barbarian #definitely a Barbarian #not any other class #dnd paladin #League of Legends #League of Legends Olaf #Sentinels of Light #was bad #As if on cue Olaf releases gas from every bodily orifice #Youtube

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sarcasticdebate · 6 years ago

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Two Photos from Last Christmas

Relationship: Emori/John Murphy

Rating: T

Word Count: 5,275

Summary: Murphy got Emori’s Christmas gift back in March. Since then he’s lost his job, been dumped, lived on Bellamy’s couch, changed career paths entirely, and has finally gotten his own place only to rediscover that Christmas present. The problem is he has no idea what to do with it now. [Modern AU]

“John?” It’s Emori, calling out at the mouth of the stairwell, the rain matting down her hair, her cheeks and nose a violent red, and her lips cracked. She’s beautiful. He wants to tear his heart out. “What are you doing here?”

She doesn’t sound angry at least, tentative and wary, sure, but not angry.

“Uh,” he says, even knowing that with each second he leaves her question unanswered her frustration will only mount in preparation to spear him. He flounders for a moment, trying to think of an excuse that would explain his presence. Typical. For the first time in his life the only lie he can think of is the truth.

“It’s--I got you a Christmas present,” he says, digging his index finger into the hole in his glove, “From before we broke up. Not exactly something I could return, and I thought you should still have it. So, uh, I was just going to drop it off. You weren’t supposed to see me.” He licks his lips, still chapped from the cold, and dares to meet her eyes and criticism.

Murphy’s new landlord isn’t thrilled that he’s coming to pick up his keys on Christmas Eve. But that’s hardly Murphy’s fault. His new schedule is still kicking his ass. Being the new guy who’s still rotating between twelve hour day and night shifts is a big difference from eight hour construction work days, but he’s handling it, so his landlord can too. It’s not like he’s asking a lot.

His new building has an elevator that’s only ‘a little finicky’ so by Murphy’s standards its high living. He shoves his stuff into it after getting the key and allows himself to slump against the dirty mirror wall. Finding a place is such a hassle, and moving on top of it just sucks. Especially when he has to do it all alone.

He shoulders his way into the new place, boxes precariously balanced in his hands. He sets them down without ceremony, wishing some grain of excitement would rise up in him, but nope.

Under normal circumstances Murphy wouldn’t consider unpacking the worst part of moving. A pain, sure, but it usually meant the hard work was done, and left the anticipation of a new place to grow into and explore. It’s different when all he has to his name is three boxes, groceries, a duffel bag filled with his clothes, and the blow up air mattress Bellamy had lent him. Depressing really. But he has his own place again, so he tries not to let it get to him.

He leaves the single set of dining implements on the kitchen counter, plugs in his old laptop to charge, and throws the sheets onto the bed once it inflates. There’s little to be done after that since he’s not going to put his clothes in the closet right now, other than set up the one lamp he has, and leave his toiletries in the bathroom.

He debates removing the stuff in the third box, not quite remembering what’s in it. As far as he can remember it mostly holds miscellaneous stuff: a throw pillow, a first aid kit, three books—only one of which he’s read— and the contents of his old junk drawer. But there’s also a picture frame at the bottom.

His pulse quickens as he lifts it out of the box, shame and disappointment running in his blood. The boxes had been tucked away for the months he’d been subsiding on Bellamy’s couch and wavering patience, and he had forgotten what he’d shoved into them in the emotional turmoil following the day Emori had walked out.

It’s a two-photo picture frame that he’d bought back in March. The picture on the left is pretty normal, just something he could put into the second slot. It’s from last Christmas, when Harper had insisted that they get one good non-selfie photo of the seven of them. They had ended up taking three, because Bellamy had messed up the timer, but that first picture, snapped a moment too early, is still Murphy’s favorite. It features Bellamy tripping over Murphy’s legs, his arms outstretched in the second before he went careening into Raven and Echo who were squeezed in together on the armchair, both their faces unmasked in shock and amused horror. Monty stands behind them, his wide-eyed face somehow funnier than Bellamy’s; maybe because his arms are full of Harper, who had been perched on the back of the chair and promptly went careening into him at the disturbance. Looking back on it, Murphy can’t remember if he had stuck his leg out and tripped Bellamy on purpose or not. His own smile doesn’t reveal if Bellamy’s fall was premeditated or not, but looking at Emori sitting on the floor next to him, her face caught in a laugh and eyes bright, he thinks maybe they had come up with the idea together. It’s something the Murphy and Emori of a year ago would have done.

His thumb can’t help but trace the curve of her cheek as he relearns the photo, when he realizes he’s doing it his attention shifts to the second photo, forcing himself to hold onto the edges of the frame.

The second photo is the special one. It was complete luck that he had come across it. A local paper he had flipped through out of boredom one day had a featured story about one of the group homes downtown to commemorate its fiftieth anniversary. Pages six and seven were dedicated to photos through the years, and one of them, in the bottom left corner was of Emori and Otan, sitting on the front steps of the home. Neither of them were credited in the picture, and the caption read only ‘Christmastime, 1998’ but of course he recognized Emori, even with all her miniature features not looking directly into the camera and despite the fact she was sitting on her left hand to hide it away.

Emori didn’t have any pictures of herself from when she was younger, and only a few of Otan that she refused to display, and he knew she deserved more than a newspaper clipping, so he had contacted the journalist who had done the article, and through persistence and some lying had gotten a proper printed copy.

The pictures were going to be her Christmas present.

Historically, he’s been a pretty lousy gift-giver, and after putting the frame together back in March he had thought he’d actually succeeded in being a thoughtful boyfriend instead of just getting whatever generic item Emori claimed she needed. Of course the whole ‘thoughtful boyfriend’ thing had gone down the drain back in June. Being jobless hadn’t been good for him, especially when McCreary had gotten off scot free because he was the forman and Murphy got saddled with criminal charges on top of getting sacked even when he wasn’t the one who’d started the fist fight. Still, taking his frustrations and built up turmoil out on Emori was a shit thing to do, in retrospect.

But at the time her promotion and raise (she didn’t even need his income to cover the other half of the rent anymore) just seemed put into place to spite him. Sitting home alone all day had made it worse. Hoping for a call back from just one of the places he’d sent out his resume, only for Emori to come home for half an hour before going out to get drinks he couldn’t afford with their friends who were all too keen on charity.

The insults hadn’t been warranted, and neither had the yelling, or the childish refusing to talk to her. Distancing himself from the group had only compounded it all. And he only really recognized he was self-sabotaging after he had gotten back on his feet and had been living with Bellamy’s near daily lectures, which came after she’d dumped him.

“So you learned a lesson,” Bellamy had said sometime back in September. “You’re an asshole. I could have told you that ages ago, but hey, at least now you can grow from it.”

“Fuck off,” he had said at the time, but even back then he’d been working on it. Meeting Raven’s new boyfriend, going to Echo’s work thing when Bellamy was sick, attending Monty and Harper’s garden party even though he had to wear a button down. Stuff he didn’t want to do, until he had done it and remembered there was a reason he was friends with these people.

He still avoided Emori for a long time though. Raven rolled her eyes everytime he asked if she was going to be around, but as far as he could tell that was pretty normal. Emori is the only ex he has, but he thought keeping his distance was pretty par for the course.

But keeping that up was near impossible, considering all their mutual friends. So he stuck around when she came over for Bellamy’s movie nights and he doesn’t have the groupchat on mute anymore. Sometimes he even replies to stuff. The group acts as a good buffer, making it so that he and Emori only have to have tangential interactions. Of course that doesn’t prevent him from wanting to throw up his heart everytime he sees her. So it’s not like they’re having one-on-one conversations.

But maybe he should give the gift to her. It wasn’t expensive or anything, and it might get them closer to being Just Friends, which he really dreads the idea of, but would still be better than being nothing. Unless she still hates his guts, which is definitely a possibility and a good reason not to give her a Christmas present.

He slips his phone out of his pocket. He could ask Raven, she and Emori talk the most and she’d know where Emori is on the spectrum of liking to hating him. But that’s dumb. Not only is there probably some girl code that would get in the way of her telling him, but asking someone else where you stand with your own ex-girlfriend is too sad of a concept for him to stoop down to.

That’s something he should actually talk to Emori about. Technically there’s nothing stopping him from calling her. He flops into his shitty bed, staring blankly at his phone, as his thumb catches on Emori’s name. He still has her number of course. The green heart sits next to her name in his recent contacts, as if the last time he texted her wasn’t two months ago.

What a stupid message it was too, Emori?, sent at a quarter after midnight on a Tuesday, and he’d actually thought she’d respond. Show’s what loneliness can do to your brain.

Scrolling through their old messages is probably some kind of fucked up anti-therapy, but he does it anyway, maybe because six months later he’s still being sustained by the hollow itch in his chest he feels whenever he thinks about her. It’s motivating at least, better than feeling nothing.

Their texts from when things were going downhill aren’t the worse. Most of them are brief—neither of them are the kind of people to take their frustrations to a third platform. If anything, the worst part is seeing how little they were talking. It’s the ones from when they were happy together that hurt the most.

Making plans for dinner or when they’d go out, coupled with random links to articles or youtube videos that made them think of one another. Stories from work that couldn’t wait till they got home and screenshots from the groupchat they had to dissect one-on-one. The I miss yous and I love yous and Emori’s adorable affinity for the vulcan hand emoji.

He’s lost track of the amount of times he’s clicked the ‘load more messages button’ when the blue light makes his vision start to blur. He blinks hard and scrolls to the bottom again, that same stupid message there for him to reread, the echoing lack of response. There’s no way she’d want him to call her. He drops his phone to his chest and tugs on the ends of his own hair, a frustrated growl escaping from his throat and bouncing off the ceiling of his mostly empty apartment.

He plugs his phone into an outlet on the wall, far enough away that he won’t be tempted to get out of bed and check it. He doesn’t call her.

The good thing about working for emergency services is that people still need to work on Christmas. It’s a good thing for Murphy at least, his usual partner found someone to switch shifts with so she could spend the day with family. The guy working the shift with him today is Jewish, and even he doesn’t seem to want to be there. Not that Murphy doesn’t also want to still be in bed after the shit night of sleep he had, but this at least provides a distraction. He’s sort of hoping someone’s arteries get clogged after one sugar cookie too many just so he can have something to do.

They get three calls out, but nothing overly exciting or worrying. Their shift ends at five, so at least he doesn’t have to deal with all the merry drunks who’ll no doubt crawl out of the woodwork and crash into light poles later that evening. His partner wishes him a Merry Christmas as they part ways, which is nice of him, but only really serves to annoy him.

He gets home and has every intention of reheating leftovers and going to bed at seven, but that stupid picture frame is still sitting on the floor of his remarkably empty apartment, his own smiling face from a year ago mocking him. He can’t look away at it as he slurps wonton soup, for the first time noticing the way one of Emori’s legs overlaps his in the bottom photo. Her smile is so wide.

Fuck it. The guy in that picture would do anything if he thought it had a chance at making Emori happy. There’s no point in him keeping it, and throwing it out would be a waste. She might not want anything to do with him, but if he leaves it at her place, no confrontation, with a note to explain, she can’t be too mad.

The note he writes is short, no frills. He debates signing it for a long time, but she’ll recognize his handwriting regardless so in the end he writes down his full name, not just J. Murphy like how he normally does, and tapes it to the back of the frame.

The walk to Raven and Emori’s apartment isn’t long, but the spitting rain and biting wind don’t make it pleasant. Tears sting his eyes by the time he makes his way inside on the heels of a tenant. He was planning on leaving the present in the mailbox, but it’s far too small. He makes his way upstairs, two at a time because he doesn’t want to linger in the building. Raven’s apartment is the furthest one down the hallway of the third floor. He takes over-large footsteps down the checkered carpet floor, as if that might make the urge to check over his shoulder lessen. He should have succumbed to it.

She doesn’t sound angry at least, tentative and wary, sure, but not angry.

The moment is flat and awkward as she steps forward slowly, unlacing her scarf from around her neck as she approaches. Her steps seem over large too. He hands over the gift when she’s close enough but he’s careful to keep the distance far and impersonal. She takes it in hand, a little frown between her eyebrows, and he kind of wishes he went to the trouble of wrapping it now. He doesn’t want to see her reaction.

“I’ll just...go,” he says, his hands stuffed deep inside his pockets as he steps around her, a good arm’s width between their bodies.

“John?” Emori says, and of course he stops and turns back to look at her. “You didn’t have to-”

“I know,” he interrupts, “But it’s been sitting in a box for the last nine months. You should have it. I promise I’m not trying to make a gesture or anything.”

“Okay,” Emori says lowly, her hands on the edges of the frame clenched as if they’re cramped from the cold. “You still didn’t have to, though. So thank you.”

He offers a quick nod and grimacing smile, having every intention of leaving, but his gaze catches the tears floating on Emori’s waterline and suddenly his feet are stuck in his shoes.

The thing is he knows what to say to comfort her. It sits on his tongue like a pearl, a gift he could give her if he just opened his mouth. The problem is it’s not his place anymore. So he swallows instead.

But Emori has never been one to sit with her emotions, and it’s no surprise that a few blinks later her eyes are clear. Maybe even brighter.

“Have you eaten?” Emori asks, quickly enough to confuse him. “Monty doesn’t know how to cook for only six apparently. I have leftovers. You can come in if you want.”

There are so many reasons to say no. He has eaten. She’s his ex-girlfriend. It’s Christmas and he just worked a twelve hour shift.

“If you’re sure,” he says instead, and when she gives a nod he follows her inside.

“Uh, where’s Raven?” he asks, as they move to the kitchen. The apartment looks the same as the last time he was here, as if Emori hasn’t added any of herself to the place.

“She’s meeting Shaw’s family,” Emori answers, turning on the stovetop, “Apparently they have a Christmas tradition of driving around after dinner to look at the lights, so she got invited to tag along.”

“Oh,” he says, watching her dish out some of Monty’s famous green bean casserole and a bit of ham from his place on the far wall, “I didn’t realize they were that serious.”

“Yeah,” Emori says, “She really likes him.”

He nods, tugging on the loose thread in his glove until it’s close enough to unraveling that he has to stuff them in his pockets if he wants to have both gloves to wear on the walk home. There’s a long silence as Emori stands over the stove with more dillegance than is really required, and as he hates himself for being fixated on her small movements. Her eyes flick back to him too many times to count, but she tears her gaze away countless times too. Her expression is held tight.

She pours herself a glass of water, and grabs a plate and fork for him. She drinks as he eats, and it’s clear both of them are grateful for the occupation of their hands and mouths. If he had more courage he’d ask her why she invited him in. As it is he’s grateful, despite the pressure on his chest and the awkward eye contact.

“I’ll have to tell Monty he’s triumphed again,” he says, taking his last bite. He makes a big show about scraping the plate with the side of the fork, hating himself for not wanting to leave yet.

Maybe Emori knows that because the next thing she says is, “We missed you at dinner.”

“I was working,” he answers automatically, but when he thinks about what she said it’s like his heart is shaking in his chest.

“I know,” Emori says, “Bellamy said...How do you like it? Being an EMT?”

“Yeah, it’s good,” he says, “The courses were cool, hands on, and Abby wrote me a letter of rec, so they overlooked the charges...I like it a lot. It’s exciting, different all the time. I get to drive an ambulance. There are sirens. Blood and guts.”

“Sounds good for you,” Emori says, maybe at the joke, maybe because she’s happy for him. “What’s your grossest story?”

And her smile is still there so of course he has to explain the guy who had somehow managed to get his thigh impaled by his own bike. Emori scrunches her nose and laughs at all the appropriate places, and he hadn’t noticed them drifting towards one another until he almost hit her with his fork while miming the angle of the bike seat.

“Sorry,” he says, moving around her to get to the sink, “I’ll just wash up and get out of your hair.”

“John, you don’t have to…”

“Nah, I ate your lunch for Monday, pretty sure I’m an asshole if I make you do dishes on Christmas.”

“I already did dishes at Monty and Harper’s,” she points out, but she lets him put soap in the ratty sponge and clean the plate. And maybe he scrubs for longer than he needs too, and rinses it twice, and towel dries it too when the rack is right there. It’s already been established that he’s pathetic, doing an overly thorough job cleaning dishes really isn’t the worst thing he’s done.

“Sparkling,” he says, presenting it to her to put away. She smiles, and for a moment it isn’t awkward, they’ve done dishes together a thousand times. Of course, just thinking about how it isn’t awkward makes that squirming feeling in his chest reappear. He coughs. “Well, I’ll get going then,” he starts, “Merry Christmas.”

“Wait,” Emori says, reaching out to grab his wrist. He doesn’t look down to where she’s touching him because he knows if he does she’ll let go. She licks her lips, which she really shouldn’t do when they’re standing this close together. “Could you hang up the picture frame for me?”

He nods without thinking, considering for the first time that maybe she doesn’t want him to leave either. Sure, he worked in construction for nearly five years, but she’s a mechanic. She shouldn’t have any trouble putting a nail in her wall “Where do you want it?”

She holds the frame crooked in her arm and leads the way out of the kitchen, through the living room, and into her bedroom. He stops in the doorway.

Emori has always been something of a mess, perfectly okay with living in her own clutter. They had spent an entire afternoon bickering about her actually hanging her clothes up in the closet once, but those habits are incomparable to this situation; her room now is something out of a reality tv show. Cardboard boxes are stacked up on one another in almost all the available floor space. There are three side tables next to Emori’s bed, a rolled up rug leaning against the dresser which has four lamps sitting on it.

That carpet used to lay in their living room. There’s probably still a stain from when he’d spilled chili on it after Emori had him laughing too hard. Those lamps used to be the only light they had in their bedroom because the one window was snug against a brick wall an alley over. He still remembers all the slightly different clicks they’d make as he turned them off in preparation for bed.

“Um,” he says, stuck in the threshold. Emori shimies her way through the disorder to hold the picture up to the wall.

“Here?” she asks. It’s the left wall. She always slept on the left side. In that spot the frame will be the first thing she’ll see most mornings. He blinks hard several times.

“Sure,” he says, “You have a hammer and nail? I’ll probably need a measuring tape too.”

“Of course,” Emori says, “One sec.” She roots through some of the boxes until she pulls out a toolbox. His toolbox. The one filled with odds and ends he’d stolen from work over a handful of months. He hasn’t thought about it in the longest time. She hands it over and he takes out what he’ll need, sticking a nail between his lips. Finding a stud isn’t a problem, and too quickly the frame hangs on the wall.

“That straight?” he asks, taking a step back.

“I don’t really care about it being straight,” Emori says and his eyes can’t help but fall to the disarray about the room as he nods in agreement.

“I know it’s a mess,” she says, but not like she’s offended. “I haven’t gotten around to unpacking yet. Didn’t seem worth it when half this stuff is yours.”

That doesn’t make any sense. It’s been months, and it’s not like he’s asked her for any of his old shit, and she hadn’t tried to pawn it off on him either. Keeping it that long without using it seems pointless. Emori knows that, no doubt, judging by the way she sinks onto her bed, looking at the frame. It’s the only thing hanging on any of her walls, he notices.

“We could sort through it,” she says. “If you want.”

“Emori.” He shakes his head, he’s barely stopped looking at her this whole time, but he has to now. “I don’t really want to be in your bedroom right now.”

That sits between them, like a rotting apple no one wants to throw out of the bowl. So far they’ve managed to avoid talking about them, because this is the first time they’ve spent any lengthy amount of time one-on-one since they broke up. But now it sits out there to be prodded and examined.

“Oh,” she says, and she sounds hurt. He grimaces, and that gray, niggling part of him that hates himself bruises even more. He forces himself to explain.

“I can’t be just friends with you right now, okay? I’m still in love with you, and it doesn’t…” he drifts off upon noticing the pink in Emori’s cheeks, the strain in her throat. Shit. He wasn’t supposed to say that, was he? “Sorry. I’ll...I’ll leave.”

Except that maneuvering out of the room in his semi-frantic state makes him knock over one of the boxes, it’s contents spilling onto the floor. Emori springs to her feet, and he scrambles down, replacing the items while he tries to avoid even the sight of her shoes. His heartbeat skitters in his chest regardless.

“John, John, it’s fine,” Emori says, her hands reaching out and lying on the back of his, and of course that catches him, the only option to look into her eyes. She has such an expressive face, but he’s not used to seeing it any more. Her jaw is held solid, maybe so it won’t tremble, and her eyes are wide. “I’m sorry,” she says, and his brow twitches in confusion.

“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who was such a jackass. I shouldn’t have treated you like that,” he says, and then, because he’s just realized he’s never said it, “I’m sorry about that. Really.”

Emori blinks, twice, and know that he thinks about it, he might have blurted that out of left field, from her perspective. Keeping things inside the box has never been a specialty of his apparently. Part of the reason he needs to leave, and he should, but Emori had caught him in her net a long time ago.

“I accept your apology.”

He feels lighter, a weight on his chest he hadn’t know was there is gone. Emori doesn’t hate him.

“Thanks,” he says, because it seems the only reasonable thing to say. He straightens, the mess on her floor mostly cleaned up.

“I was going to say I miss you.” He must look as confused as he feels because Emori repeats herself. “I was going to say I miss you, that’s why I wanted to…” she throws her arm in a gesture, towards her apartment at large or these weird and precious collection of moments they’ve been having. “I’m sorry that’s not what you wanted. It’s just…” she pauses, looks him straight in the eye, and then says with conviction, “I still love you too.”

He grinds his teeth, the taste between them bitter and sweet and dissolving on his tongue. But then he shakes his head a little, because he knows by now that it’s not enough, that he doesn’t deserve it.

“What?” Emori asks, searching, prodding, something watery in her voice.

“I don’t know? What am I supposed to say to that?” He asks, and in his head he sounds more outraged, more overwhelmed. In reality, the words come out soft. And scared.

Emori swallows something down. “I don’t know. Don’t you want to try again?”

There it is. He wants to throw up his heart. “You do?” he manages to choke out. He’s only just learned that she doesn’t still hate him. It seems too far a jump.

Her jaw stutters before it snaps shut, and he was right, it was too far a jump. She doesn’t know how to handle this any more than he does. So where does that leave them?

“Yes, John, I do,” she says, surprising him. “I didn’t really think you’d get back here again. I thought you’d keep falling apart.” She’s sounds ashamed about not having faith in him, but he can’t really be offended when he hadn’t had any in himself either. “But you still care about your future, and our friends.” She bites her lip, turning a bright pink. She looks at the picture frame. “You still care about me.”

He never stopped, but it’s not like his past behavior is very reflective of that. And now who he is and who he was a few months ago is blended together in his head. Just a bunch of mush Emori doesn’t deserve.

“It’s just a Christmas present,” he says, an ache in his throat coming up with the words, and Emori looks at him with disbelief.

“John, Christmas didn’t mean anything to me until I met you! God, for me and Otan, Christmas was just the day where we even more unloved. But that…” She points at picture frame hanging on the wall, that first picture of all of them, the one he had printed out as an afterthought, had taken for granted. “You, with all of them, made it actually mean something.”

It takes a lot for Emori to cry. As a teenager she had thought it made her weak and had beaten it out of herself. But there’s that shine to her eyes again, the same as when she had first seen it, and a wet break in her voice.

“It’s my favorite Christmas present,” she says. “And if you got it back in March, I think it’s important to you too.”

Damn it. She knows him too well.

“Of course it means something to me,” he forces himself to say, some previously unknown courage swelling in him. “Because you do. You mean...so much to me.”

“Then let’s try again,” she says, insistence pushing at the end of each word. And he finds himself nodding, because that’s what he wants, even if there’s that quibbling part of him still thinks she deserves better; but if he was meant to learn anything from all of this it was probably that Emori gets to decide what she deserves.

Emori smiles, dazzling, like she always is, and the doubts rush from his mind.

“You’re coming to Echo’s New Year’s party, right?” He asks, and Emori nods, smile widening.

“Was she nagging you about it too?”

“Oh, yeah,” he confirms, the corners of his mouth beginning to ache, but in a pleasant way he has no intention of stopping. “I didn’t mind too much, though. I’ve got this feeling it’ll be a good year.”

#memori #memori fic #the 100 #john murphy #emori kom spacekru #a writing tag #please tell me if this feels ooc #idk whether to put it on ao3 or not #i just loved the idea and it got #out of control #im breaking my own rule with putting something so long on here but w/e

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kendrixtermina · 7 years ago

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It's not your "4 fix" that makes people think you're a infp. It's your obvious inferior Te. People like midlink have told you a thousand times: high Ti users break down their thought process instead of sending a long walk of text with difficult and over researched words. A intp wouldn't need a "long list with points and examples with less vague definitions" because that's Te, a Ti Dom is not as sure about their type as you're so stubborn with yours. You don't explain yourself like a intp.

Ah you’re one of their cronies. as I suspected.

One group of raid-loving associates is hardly “people”. Calm your Fe tits and get perspective. .

I shall not be wasting further time on this nor repeating the same arguments I made weeks ago, other than the tl; dr is that you’re shoehorning my words into your conceptions of the definitions with a generous helping of word-twisting and presumption.

An amusing example for casual readers:

Me: “Be precise and specific. Give me reason to give your random claim attention and consideration.” ( that is, Don’t use a vague that could be applied to anything)

They: You asked for said you needed “less vague” definitions [as in easier to understand] hence inf Te.

It’s like those ppl who argue their fav character is an INFJ and blame all the obvious, copious and constant displays of sensing on “inferior Se”. never mind that an inferior function would generally be used mostly when triggered rather than being the person’s default aproach.

I mean take a step back and look at this. Do they realize that they’ve just basically claiming that using, referencing or researching technical jargon is something an INTP would never do? I don’t think they meant to do that because it’s opposite of like what any source ever tell you about INTPs when you first ask what they are. Stereotypes don’t apply to everyone but the love of nerd jargon and researching new topics seems to be widespread.

Rather this is insofar as I can tell a honest mistake due to using bad definitions.

Good example for these “One trick pony, simplistic” conception of the functions a la “Si is memory” or “Ni is planning” that creates so much confusion, in their case “all referencing is Te”. In truth one behavior can be done by various processes in various ways.

Since neither of us invented mbti and we wish to talk about mbti and not some thing we’ve made up from scratch on our own, we would have to read up on sources in order to talk about this mbti thing and use jargon in order to discuss the topic with precision and familiarize ourselves with the concept.

Since no human can invent the wealth of modern science themselves we ALL have to reference at some point. That’s no more a particular function than memory rather function influences how we reference. I daresay a lot of referenciing is also Ne but that would be a more associative sort.

With the T functions its more about connections - the difference is more that Te takes the data as it is as basic “building blocks” which it then build into methods, procedures and applications, whereas Ti tries to understand what the source “means” that is recreate a model of the concept and its logical interconnections in their head. They won’’t just go and use the fact right away until they have analyzed it for themselves, but they may well think “this is an useful concept!” and adopt it, making additions or changes for themselves or synthezising their own understanding from multiple sources depending on what convinces them whereas the Te user adopts an alghorithm/procedure based on how well it gets results.

Accepting info after checking it isn’t the same as just “swallowing” it. There’s a difference between citing a source as an appeal to authority or doing it so the other person knows which imput you used, which parts of the thinking are yours and to go and form their own conclusions. Obviously I would not reference concepts that did not convince me but the decision wether to be convinced or not is made via how the concept mashes with previous understanding and wether it makes logical sense not because I have seen its results and widely found useful by ppl in general (Te) - indeed a lot of this advanced in depht socianics stuff isn’t known or used by many people but I use it because I have found it makes sense and makes good distinctions.barring future changes of opinion of course.

Indeed knowledge only through results but not and unless there’s very good proof I tend to disbelieve or be sceptical of claims of casual relation if there is no mechanistical explanation of HOW thing A can possibly affect thing B. For better or for worse. Sometimes it turns out the local INTJ was right and a problem really ~was~ the laundry detergent’s fault even if I did not know how. .

But in either case the person will talk of square roots when they encounter a square root or a problem that square roots are relevant and refer to the word “square root”. Not everyone who ever did this is a FP or TJ. The difference is more in the focus understanding: TE: “You get a square root by multiplying a number with itself.” Ti: “A square root is a number’s multiple of itself.” - hence why socionics calls it procedural logic or alghorithms (”This is how you do it.” where the answer is a method) vs. structural logic or laws. (”What is it?” where the answer is a cathegory in the TPs’ sorting system)

Te is not just repeating phrases. TJs and FPs do not just repeat stuff - they know, to varying degrees, when and how to use what depending on what they encounter and criticize/ find fault in such methods. (Indeed in my experience the types who do the most “unsynthesized repeating of statements” are usually Ti inferiors who often compensate with a very Fe ish, “A said X statement but B said Y so I am asking a third person consensus decision process and they seem to have a hard time extracting extra information from a statement by deduction.)

What Jung meant by “objective” or “Subjective” in his original definition of the functions - which I’ve studied - is not the colloquial sense of the words (that extroverted functions only copy and that introverted ones make every) but wether “the attention begins with the subject” or “the object.”

That means ddoes the thought start with the person, or with what they are seeing?

Te, Ne, Fe, and Se will pay attention to the stimulus because it’s there wether it’s reacting to a feeling, awknowledging a fact, reacting to a sensation, noticing an association etc. with Fi, Ti, Si and Ni the process begins from the inside - how does the stimulus relate to the subject and their own feelings/beliefs/archetypes/past sensations? Hence why Te pays attention to things that are ‘relevant’ whereas Ti follows what the person is interested in & may not show much interest in what is deemed “relevant” by broad society hence the math geek who knows nothing about movie stars etc.

And once you understand that it is way more probable that I have Ti insofar as I can discern I match those patterns very well.

IDK who OP is surely can’t type them from just this paragraph but I recall that a lot of ppl of the group from the 2 weeks back poster were ENTPs so for a moment I’ll work off the asumption that you are one it would make a lot of sense if you were even if its not the only option.

This is where the fine distinctions of socionics concepts are useful particularly in how they describe the difference between different function slots such as auxillary and as well as Victor Gulenko’s “Cognitive styles” (I am almost certainly holographic-panoramic so assuming that I was indeed mistaken and was a Fi user all along, I’d be an ENFP if anything.

It may come down to a difference between ENTP and INTP.

But to make iot short and cut to the basics the idea - which at least to me seemed consistent with all my observations - is that the auxxilary or “creative” function is used to “create” new thoughts at the behest of the base/program/dominant function when the dom function switches it on. in any case the dominant function is what makes the primary decisions that is basic in any variant of jungian typology.

Hence why an ENTP can defend a wolly foreign belief system on the fly in a debate, change opinion over night and reinterpret all past data to that end etc. but that is specific of auxillary Ti not all Ti. In an ENTP your auxillary spits out ever new all new such logically consistent frameworks at the whim of your dominant Ne.

So Ne doms change their opinions very fast and are often constantly wondering if they’re mistyped - even when they know that this is common for Ne doms they still could be wrong and as Ne doms they primarily see the world as “coulds”. Since they have little Si they are not likely to give past experiences much weight and take longer to “retain” tendencies anyways so their opinions are not particularly inert especially if their gut fix is not nine.

I mean think of it: Ti is an introverted function. It uses an internal framework to make decisions which it constantly mantains. New problems are either quickly decided based on past categories or require a slow introverted process of reorganization. In an INTP, Ti is in charge and flips Ne on when needed. Dom Ti fits everything into one big central framework which is the main organising principle of the person’s mind.

When new data or queries are encountered the ENTP would first go to Ne and look at the possibility, examine it in its own right, and then later create or look for a logical framework that fits it. The INTP would go to Ti first, that is, try to fit it into that big preexisting net work. And only if it does not fit will it be reorganized, “Oh, I was wrong, so what else could it be? * activates Ne”

First time someone presents you with a possibility you will examine it but you won’t reexamine something from the ground up if you already “know” the terrain and have a strong detailed framework that explains why the person may think that even though you don’t think it’s true. You’re still open to changing your mind but a threshold of unaccounted data must be crossed before reevaluation will happen. That is how dominant introverts work. It’s not stubborness its not reinventing the wheel twice.

Its not uncommon for INTPs in particular to “miss” data that does not fit their framework at times and need some time to change entrenched beliefs. And again that’s not just me saying it that’s very common info with a simple cause: the way in which dominant Ti tries to fit everything in a preexisting framework first and then maybe changes. Really not making any wild controversial claims here. Also we have more Si than ENTPs making the ideas more inert for better or for worse.

To summarize:

Dominant Ti doesn’t change at the drop of a hat like aux Ti especially in conjunction with tert si

Citing sources is basic rhetoric not Te the difference is in HOW the sources are used

The difference is in focus on the object vs begin of thinking inside the subject

in the end there’s only so much sense in discussing my thinking with a stranger who isn’t a telepath. I know my head but how would i prove that to you?

(See the common apologist spiel about”All nonbelievers secretly believe.” Me: *feels no belief* actually no. - but how to I prove to someone what is or isn’t in my head, especially if their worldview doesn’t even allow for the possibility? Same with being in denial. How do you prove youre not in denial? especially when both no denial and denial can produce the answer “No im not?”. )

Person A: You talk only about yourself!

Person B: No I do not`?

Person A: You’re doing it again! ... but you can’t answer a quetion anout yourself without mentioning yourself. Its the other person who mentioned you in the first place. So IDK if anything will even come of this except another hour of my life going out the window.

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ciathyzareposts · 5 years ago

Text

What I Can Tell You About DragonBlade, GayBlade, and Citadel of the Dead

Where fortune and fame await the oold? What does that mean?

An awful lot of administrative work and emulator-fighting went into tracking down, sorting out, an running the three variants of this exceptionally mediocre game. This was not time well spent. When Dragon magazine, home of the modal five-star review, gives your game no stars and calls it the “worst dungeon-crawl, you-do-the-mapping, oops-you’re-in-a-trap-and-your-torch-went-out, mindless click-the-‘attack’-button game I’ve seen in a decade,” you know you have a problem. This is an account of why I didn’t get very far with these games and why, at least for now, I’m not interested in trying harder. To judge by the manual and character creation process (the only part of the game I could really experience), DragonBlade, offers essentially nothing that Wizardry (1981) doesn’t except for color graphics. But even worse is the re-skinned GayBlade, which bills itself as the first gay-and-lesbian-themed CRPG, which it probably was, but only in the most superficial way. If I were a gay CRPG Addict, neither game would satisfy my gayness nor my CRPG addiction. That GayBlade received so much press in its day goes to show how starved the genre really ways for authentic gay representation in games.

The timeline is a little confused because a lot of sites give GayBlade as a 1992 game and DragonBlade as a “straight fantasy variant of GayBlade.” In fact, the reverse is almost certainly true, particularly since the “About” screen for GayBlade is still titled, “About DragonBlade.” There are a lot of sloppy bits like that in GayBlade. (That double-entendre is gayer than anything in the game.) Making things more confusing, author R. J. Best went on a Macintosh Garden forum last year and claimed he wrote GayBlade and released it for free in revenge for a distributor withholding royalties from Citadel of the Dead. But it’s clear from both news accounts and magazine reviews that GayBlade was available in 1993 while Citadel didn’t come out until 1994. Citadel, as far as I can tell, is just DragonBlade with a new title screen and a few bug fixes.

Let’s talk about DragonBlade first. The manual offers the most generic backstory possible: Once peace reigned in the land, led by a community of knights and mages who followed “the gentle philosophy of DragonMagic.” They were headquartered in the DragonKeep and ruled by High Wizard Alastor. But a demon army led by Lord Xygor invaded the land, lay waste to the keep, and imprisoned Alastor in a “dimension of frozen souls.” A party must brave the now-monster-ridden keep to rescue Alastor.

The game opens on a menu town with a “training yard” (character creation), tavern, general store, guild (for level advancement), magic shop, healer, and dungeon door. Classes are fighter, mage, priest, samurai (fighter/priest), wizard (fighter/mage), and master (fighter/priest/wizard). Races are orc (c. 10%), ogre (10%), elf (40%), gnome (20%), and dwarf (20%). When you roll a new character, his race is randomized along with his attributes: strength, wisdom, intelligence, constitution, dexterity, and hits. Each attribute is rolled from 1 to 15 (there are no racial modifications), and the aggregate determines your available classes. So far, with the exception of the monster races and no human race, things are identical to Wizardry

Except for low hits (which prevents him from being a “master”), this character has some unusually high stats.

The manual doesn’t tell you the prime requisites for each class, so I spent far more time than made sense noting the minimum scores every time an option came up and then figuring out the associated probabilities. First, there isn’t an equal probability of each number between 1 and 15 appearing for each attribute. For some reason, 8 is heavily weighted, accounting for about 15% of values. The numbers 1 and 15 are weighted low, accounting for about 3% each. Everything else is in the 6-8% range. Priests require at least a 12 in wisdom and mages require at least a 12 in intelligence; each comes up as an option about 21% of the time. Samurai require 13 strength, 12 dexterity, and possibly smaller values for the other attributes. They come up only about 5 times in 1,000. Wizards require at least a 12 in wisdom and dexterity and a 13 in intelligence; they come up 6 times in 1,000. Masters have at least a minimum requirement of 12 or 13 in all attributes (I’m guessing a bit) and come up less than 1 time in every 10,000 rolls. I only ever got one once, and I forgot to click the “Master” option when selecting him, so I accidentally made him a fighter. That hurt.

Starting items in the store.

It turns out that much like Wizardry, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to sweat through thousands of re-rolls for the perfect character anyway, since Level 1 characters might as well be wearing red Star Trek uniforms. This is particularly true for DragonBlade, where enemies attack the moment you enter the dungeon, before you can even light a torch, and never stop. Combat is also Wizardry standard. Each character can attack, parry, use an item, or cast a spell, although it executes the action immediately (more like Might and Magic) rather than running through the entire round at once.

Combat against giant rock ants.

The game uses Wizardry‘s “slot” system (e.g., a Level 6 priest gets 3 first-level spells, 2 second-level spells, one third-level spell), but there are only 11 spells for each spellcasting class. Mages get “Light Wound,” “Evade,” “Light,” “Heavy Wound,” “Invisibility On,” “Invisibility Off,” “Locate,” “Lightning,” “Fireballs,” “Ice Storm,” and “Castle” (as in, “return to”). Priests get “Disarm” (the only way to disarm, since there are no thieves), “Light Cure,” “Compass,” “Cure Poison,” “Resist Fire,” “Resist Ice,” “Raise,” “Heavy Cure,” “Eye of Death,” “Cure All,” and “Restore.”

Looking at spell options while facing an undead.

It soon become clear to me that the programmers had built DragonBlade to serve up a combat once every n clock cycles and hadn’t accounted for faster models. (If I don’t have that quite right technically, I’m sure someone will correct me.) Thus, the combats never end and you never get to explore the dungeon or even retreat out the back door. I tried Citadel of the Dead and ran into essentially the same problem. I could actually get a torch lit and occasionally move a step, but generally speaking I was trapped in an endless succession of combats from the moment I entered until they finally overwhelmed the party. Death is permanent in the game, although one weird feature is that enemies continue to attack slain party members in combat, slashing and bashing their helpless corpses. I guess that’s good news for the survivors but still somewhat gruesome.

An inevitable message in my DragonBlade experiences.

The Basilisk emulator that I use for Mac games doesn’t offer dynamic clock speed scaling the way that DOSBox does, and I was unable to find a Windows version of DragonBlade even though it existed. (I think Citadel was Mac-only.) I fiddled around with other models and settings in the Basilisk GUI, but I couldn’t find anything that wasn’t too fast. Thus, I tried GayBlade, for which I could only find a Windows version. This was my first experience emulating Windows 3.1, and it went about as smoothly as all my experiences with a new emulator, which means it took several frustrating hours to get it right (and would have taken longer if my commenter Lance hadn’t given me a head start with his configuration).

There’s no way it’s the world’s first. What about Leather Goddesses of Phobos? What about the game version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

GayBlade is a gay-themed game if by “gay-themed” you mean taking all the trappings of a typical computer role-playing game and replacing them with trappings of gay life. Not real gay life, but stereotypically flamboyant gay life, and not “replaced” in any thoughtful way but clumsily and senselessly. Let’s start with the classes. In place of fighters, samurais, wizards, and priests, we get queers, drag queens, guppies, and lesbians. Mages and masters aren’t even translated. Prime requisites are lowered significantly, and instead of default-naming every character “Dufus,” this game picks names that begin with the character’s class. You can only create four characters instead of being able to create up to 8 and only assign 4 to the party the way the other games work.

Assembling a gay party.

Then we get to inventory. Instead of useful items like armor and swords, we get aprons, mace (not the weapon, but the chemical spray), blow-dryers, press-on nails, and condoms. If the relative positions are any guide, purses are substituting for cloaks, tiaras for helms, press-on nails for gauntlets, and condoms for shields. Okay, I just got that last one. That’s a little clever.

The ostensible goal of the game is to rescue someone named “Empress Nelda.” But once you enter the dungeon, you’re just in the same medieval dungeon as the straight versions. Some of the monsters are replaced with menaces to gay people, such as “FBI Probes,” homosexual thugs who say “you fag” when they attack, televangelists, KKK grand dragons, and spineless politicos. You even have to face some external representations of inner demons such as suicidal tendencies and age spots. But there are also regular monsters carried over from DragonBlade, like giant insects and rats. The spells aren’t “translated” at all. Drag queens get the priest spells.

The characters face an “FBI Probe” led for some reason but a naval officer.

I tried to last long enough to explore the first level. I’m pretty sure it’s only 10 x 10. I didn’t find any special encounters or navigation tricks. But my queers and lesbians and their mace and hairdryers were far less effective against enemies than the swords and armor of the fantasy versions. I hate the control system in all three games: they’re mouse-buttons only, even for movement. I also hate the perspective, which insists you’ve hit a wall (not only subtracting a hit point but making you acknowledge a message) even though it looks like there’s plenty of space.

Sure, it was “plainly marked.” ONE SQUARE AHEAD of where I am.

I’ll leave it to you, gay readers: what impressions do you get from this description? Are you happy to have any acknowledgement, even if the best it aspires to is high camp and doesn’t really succeed even at that? This will be better served in a longer entry specifically on the topic, but milestones that I can remember for gay representation in RPGs are:

Ultima VI (1990): Earliest game that I can remember that allows same-sex sex, albeit with a gypsy prostitute.

Ultima VII (1992): Continues the tradition, albeit at a brothel.

The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (2002): Made things equal-opportunity for creepy sex predators, as Crassius Curio will sexually harass males and females alike.

Jade Empire (2005): Introduced BioWare’s from-then common theme of offering at least one same-sex partner, often a bisexual who could also be romanced from the other side. I remember accidentally falling into a gay relationship based on some tricky dialogue options.

Fallout: New Vegas (2010): In a game famous for not introducing “romance options” with its NPCs, the only exception (sort-of) is for lesbian characters.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (2011): Introduced full equality. Any character who could be romanced, married, and bedded could be done by both men and women with no additional commentary. Unfortunately, all relationships were a bit boring and bloodless.

Dragon Age: Inquisition (2015): Kicks up the complexity a notch with a wide cast of characters with a variety of racial and sexual preferences–plus mature attitudes (and a sense of humor) about sex and sexual situations.

I’m sure more experienced readers can think of more, but for 1993, I think you’d be better off playing a regular CRPG and just imagining the protagonist as gay rather than paying homage to this penis-lollipop take on gay themes. Even if you feel differently, I simply can’t bring myself to fight rednecks with press-on nails and blow-dryers for 13 levels. Thus, I guess I’m rejecting the entire group on “notability” grounds, although I’ll hold myself open for taking up one of the medieval versions if I can get Basilisk to slow it down. I’m done with it for now; the game has kept me too long from Ultima VII. Note: The title of the gay version is perhaps a reference to Zorro: The Gay Blade (1981), which not enough people have seen. Ironically, the authors removed swords and daggers from the game so that the characters no longer have any blades.

*****

I’ve put Planet’s Edge on the back burner because it’s clear that I’m going to have to start over. I’ll pick it up again after a couple of games have gone by; this isn’t going to be another Magic Candle III. I just hate doing the same things I’ve already done, and I needed some space in between.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/what-i-can-tell-you-about-dragonblade-gayblade-and-citadel-of-the-dead/

#retro games #dos games #retro #crpg #adventure #amiga #oldcomputers #8bit #16bit #blog #repost

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walkonwalkonwithhopeinyourheart · 7 years ago

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Who Are Ya? - Transfer Targets (June) via /r/LiverpoolFC

Who Are Ya? - Transfer Targets (June)

A hopefully short (as I have no doubt we will acquire everyone the first time around... well, second time in the case of van Dijk) series about the players we are clearly in for, with a bit of their careers, personality, style, useful links, and other things to make you weep uncontrollably about the bitter, winding path one must take to go from being a sporting millionaire to a sporting multi-millionaire.

Naby "Deco but really more like Kante or Makelele or that other short, black world class player with an engine" Keita

The 22-year old central midfielder hails from the west African country of Guinea, which borders 6 other nations, including Cote d'Ivoire and Senegal and Mali.

Keita's surname likely originates with the Mali Empire's Keita dynasty, a Muslim kingdom that overlapped partially with modern Guinea dating back to the 1200s and with direct historical links to Islam's founder.

He's most often described as a box-to-box player, though he started his career as a more attacking-minded midfielder. His nickname from his days playing in France is "Deco" after the Brazilian-born Portuguese star, to the point that he is often referred to (and refers to himself) as Naby Deco Keita rather than his birth name of Naby Laye Keita. He dreams of playing for Barcelona someday.

Keita was born and raised in Conakry, the Guinean capital and played for his hometown side Horoya AC, before signing for FC Istres in his third attempt at securing a transfer to a French club. Keita stood out in a poor season that saw the club relegated, and was brought to Austria by Ralf Rangnick and Red Bull Salzburg for €1.5m in 2014.

Two seasons and two Austrian doubles later, RB Leipzig signed the Guinean for €15m and he made an immediate impact for the newly promoted Bundesliga side, helping them to a stunning second place finish in their maiden top-flight season.

Under Leipzig coach Hassenhuttl, Keita scored 8 and created 8 for the team in a breakout season. His style has evolved from an aggressive attacking midfielder to an all-rounded central midfielder. He is lauded for his Kante-like work-rate, and ability to shift his weight and the ball quickly. Direct comparisons to the diminutive Frenchman are misleading, however, as Keita offers a different skill-set and disposition despite obvious physical similarities.

He has significantly developed his game-management with Leipzig, and still has room for significant development into a world-beater. The potential is undoubtedly there.

Keita has not had any serious injuries apart from the odd muscle strain (and a bout of malaria in 2016!), though he did suffer a collapse in March this year after a Bundesliga match. While tests showed nothing untoward and he has had no complaints since, this could be a cause for concern for the club's doctors, especially given the number of footballers, particularly African, with circulatory collapses in recent years.

Keita shares the same agency, Arena 11 Sports Group, as Sadio Mane, and the two are known to be good friends outside of football. Clients of the agency also include Johannes Geis and Kerem Demirbay.

While Liverpool have closely monitored Keita for at least a couple of seasons, his marked improvement in the last year and Leipzig's reluctance to sell a prized asset means that the club will need to again break its transfer record to sign the young Guinean.

The current ask is £70m, though Liverpool are thought to believe £50m is a fairer price. No other clubs have been strongly linked with Keita, likely put off by Leipzig's firm reluctance to deal with any suitors.

Virgil "Don't be fooled by the price that I got; I'm still, I'm still Virgil from the Dike" van Dijk

The 25-year-old central defender was born in Breda with mixed Dutch and Surinamese parentage. "Van Dijk" is an exceedingly common surname in Netherlands, the fifth most popular as recently as 2007 in fact. It means "from/near the dike," a dike being a seawall which one imagines many Dutch people live near to, the Netherlands being a fairly damp place.

He started his youth career with neighbouring Tilburger team Willem II before being taken on by Groningen in the north, where he made his debut in 2011.

Two years later, van Dijk signed for Celtic for £2.6m and went on to win the Scottish Premiership twice. After just two seasons with the Scottish champions, Southampton signed van Dijk for approximately £13m and he made an instant impact, eventually receiving Southampton's player of the season award that year.

A tall, dominant centre-back, van Dijk possesses formidable strength, aerial presence and tackling ability. What sets him apart from the Roberth Huths of this world is his relative comfort on the ball, able to both carry the ball out of defence purposefully and to play accurate long passes to keep the opposition on the back foot, secondary, technical qualities that Klopp greatly values as evidenced by Joel Matip's presence in Liverpool's starting XI whenever fit.

The lad can also take a free-kick.

Currently recovering from a ligament injury (likely a ruptured plantar fascia), van Dijk is expected to be fit for the new season. He rarely misses any football otherwise, the last serious "injury" being acute appendicitis in 2012 (while at Groningen) that required life-saving surgery due to the onset of peritonitis.

After Southampton made a stunning claim to the Premier League of an illegal approach for van Dijk, Liverpool has publically taken a step back and continued its pursuit of other targets, since signing Salah.

Given that van Dijk prefers to play on the left side of the centre-half partnership, it is likely that he would slot in alongside Matip (and in place of Lovren) should we eventually drop Southampton some conciliatory DMs, resurrect our interest and sign him.

We will, however, likely have to compete with Chelsea for his signature as Conte has asked the hierarchy to sign either van Dijk or Bonucci, with the latter very unlikely to leave Juventus after the seasono they had. While van Dijk has stated his preference for Liverpool, the tapping up fiasco may mean that his only realistic option of a move this summer may be to Chelsea. Or City, should Guardiola still have funds spare after acquiring most of Monaco.

Next time round, unless we're strongly linked with someone else of note, I'm going to review our two new signings: Mo Salah and Do Solanke .

Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:29PM by djimonia via reddit http://ift.tt/2sdsTL9

#IFTTT #reddit #liverpoolfc #liverpool fc #lfc #ynwa

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tigerkirby215 · 4 years ago

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5e Kindred the Eternal Hunters build (League of Legends)

⚠️ WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BUILD USES CONTENT FROM THE MYTHIC ODYSSEYS OF THEROS SOURCEBOOK. DO NOT OPEN IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS. ⚠️

(Artwork by Riot Games)

"Lamb, tell me a story."

"There was once a nerd with a D&D addiction who was very bored."

"Why was it bored?"

"All things were shut down because of Coronavirus, so they had nothing to do."

"Did he do something productive with his time?"

"He took a new D&D source book and opened it to a page right down the middle."

"So he'd have something to do?"

"So he'd have something to do.”

GOALS

Never one... without the other - Kindred is no longer grey, but a being of Black and White. But they’re still fully grey, and are intertwined together.

Every life... ends with us - The shadow of death chooses who lives... or rather who dies first.

Not here, not yet - But sometimes death needs a pause, and who better than death itself to choose when its time?

RACE

Lamb is the main character you control, and if you wish for cloven hooves then a Satyr is the best choice. Your Charisma increases by 2 and your Dexterity increases by 1. You can also Ram enemies to do bludgeoning damage equal to a d4 plus your strength.

You’re considered Fey which makes you immune to many spells that only target humanoids, and in addition you have Magic Resistance for advantage against all spells, making you highly resistant to magic!

Finally you have Mirthful Leaps, letting you add a d8 to the height or length of any jump you make. And you are a Reveler which gives you proficiency in Persuasion, Performance, and a musical instrument of your choice: your theme is heavy on the strings so I opted for a Viol personally.

If Satyr isn’t allowed: Shifter is probably your best replacement for an animalistic character. Wildhunt is the obvious pick but Swiftstride is much more in-character for Kindred’s kit.

ABILITY SCORES

15; WISDOM - You have hunted down thousands of marks. You know exactly what every animal or person thinks when they die.

14; DEXTERITY - Lamb’s grace is second only to her skill with a bow.

13; INTELLIGENCE - When you’re as old as time itself you know most things about the world.

12; CHARISMA - Perhaps not the most in-character, but the grey man is naturally intimidating.

10; CONSTITUTION - You have an ADC’s health bar even if you’re a jungler, but the fragile lamb isn’t as in character as...

8; STRENGTH - You wield a bow, not an axe. It’s on Wolf to fight the tough prey.

If you want a more optimized character then swap Constitution and Intelligence, but these stats are better oriented for roleplay.

BACKGROUND

Unfortunately there’s no “literal embodiment of death” background, but Sage is pretty good to mimic a being as old as time. You gain proficiency with Arcana and History along with two languages of your choice. As a Researcher you know where to find any information you can’t remember. That doesn’t mean it’ll be easy to access however...

(Artwork by Riot Games)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - CLERIC 1

Considering that you’re literally a god (of sorts) naturally we’ll be starting as a Cleric. You get two skills from the Cleric list: Religion is the obvious pick, and Insight will help you tell if your target wants the mercy of an arrow... or the jaws of a wolf.

Clerics can also choose their domain at level 1 and naturally since you’re a god of death the Grave domain will help you usher your marks into the beyond. As you stand at the edge of the Circle of Mortality any healing you cast on someone at 0 health will heal for the maximum amount, in case it’s not yet time for your allies. And if all else fails you are also capable of casting Spare the Dying with a range of 30 feet, guaranteeing that your arrow will only find its mark when its time.

Speaking of right time: with Eyes of the Grave you are able to identify anyone who’s beyond their time. As an action you can magically detect any undead within 60 feet of you, as long as they aren’t behind total cover or are protected from divination magic. This sense lasts one round and doesn’t tell you anything about a creature’s capabilities or identity. You can use feature a number of times equal to your Wisdom modifier before needing to Long Rest.

And of course as a Cleric you are capable of Spellcasting. You learn three cantrips from the Cleric list: Toll the Dead is an obvious choice to lead your marks, and Guidance can be a gentle hand to lead them away. And finally Thaumaturgy will make sure that the people know when Kindred has made their mark.

Grave Clerics know the Bane and False Life spells innately, letting them either keep themselves on the battlefield or make sure their enemies have a harder time fighting against the jaws of death. For your prepared spells Healing Word will help you keep your allies away from Wolf, and Guiding Bolt will help you guide your arrow. Detect Magic will also let you see if anyone is trying to hold off your mark, if they wish for Wolf’s jaws.

LEVEL 2 - CLERIC 2

At level 2 Clerics gain access to their Channel Divinity. All Clerics can Turn Undead, forcing undead creatures to make a Wisdom save or flee from their hunter. In addition Grave Clerics can mark a target for a Path to the Grave. As an action you can mark a target and make them vulnerable to the next attack against them, so you can claim your mark quick.

You can also prepare another spell and Detect Evil and Good will let you find your mark, whoever... or whatever it may be.

LEVEL 3 - RANGER 1

You have your mark now you can get your bow. When you multiclass into Ranger you can choose one skill from their list: most of the options make sense but for ease of understanding I’d suggest Animal Handling to deal with Wolf. Speaking of Wolf you can now actually mark people with Favored Foe, giving you the ability to cast Hunter’s Mark without concentration a number of times equal to your Wisdom modifier.

If you’re worrying about your inability to jump you don’t need to since we’ll be using the Class Feature Variants for Ranger to get Deft Explorer, and from Deft Explorer we’ll get the Canny feature for Expertise in Athletics along with two additional languages. Yes rules-as-written jumping relies on flat strength instead of Athletics, but rules-as-written for jumping is dumb since you can technically high jump over 780 feet rules-as-written. So if you have a cool DM chances are they’ll let you jump with Athletics.

LEVEL 4 - RANGER 2

Level 2 Rangers get a Fighting Style and you may be surprised that we’re picking Archery for +2 to hit with ranged weapons, such a long bow. You also get access to Spellcasting. You get two spells from the Ranger list: Beast Bond will let you bond with Wolf so you can speak and work together to chase your prey, and Zephyr Strike will let you speed up with Ghostblade and to do more damage when you hit.

LEVEL 5 - RANGER 3

I’ve mentioned Wolf many times but we’ve yet to get our other half. Thankfully Beastmaster will make sure that you’re never one without the other. You get a Ranger’s Companion, and with the Class Feature Variants you get two universal options. Despite the fact that he’s a “wolf” Wolf flies, so a Beast of the Air would make the most sense. I’m not going to describe the stat block too much (you can see it for yourself) but I will mention the important things here:

Wolf has an AC of 13

Wolf has health equal to a number of d6s equal to your Ranger level plus your Wisdom modifier and 1 from his Constitution modifier. In short the calculation for Wolf’s health is (d6 + WIS mod + 1) * Ranger level.

As a bonus action you can either make Wolf hide or have him make a Shred attack. Shred has a +5 to hit and does a d6 + 3 damage on hit.

Wolf doesn’t provoke opportunity attacks

If Wolf “dies” you can spend a spell slot to bring him back him back after a minute. "Are you there, dear Wolf?" "I am, little Lamb."

With Class Feature Variants you also get Primal Awareness, giving you the ability to cast certain spells once per Long Rest. At third level you get Detect Magic and Speak with Animals. Yes you already have Detect Magic but you can prepare something else if you wish. Speaking of which you learn another spell but for now I’m going to hold off on it, so take whatever you wish.

LEVEL 6 - RANGER 4

4th level Rangers get another Ability Score Improvement, but you may notice that uneven Dexterity score so... Athlete feat! For once there’s actually a reason for this beyond the +1 to Dexterity, as you can make a running long jump or high jump with only 5 feet of run up instead of 10, so you can hop around as you please. Being able to climb and stand up fast is an added bonus.

LEVEL 7 - RANGER 5

5th level Rangers get an Extra Attack, allowing them to attack twice with the attack action on their turn, so you can shoot two arrows instead of one per turn.

You can also learn second level spells now, which means that you can now cast Beast Sense and Locate Animals or Plants once per long rest. You can also learn Healing Spirit to keep your allies from needing your arrow, and from the Class Feature Variants list Magic Weapon will help enhance your shots to guarantee that your arrow is swift and painless.

(Artwork by RinRinDaishi on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 8 - CLERIC 3

At level 3 you can prepare second level Cleric spells. Should probably mention that that spell progression between a full caster and a half caster is odd, so be sure to check the Player Handbook to understand how many spell slots you should have. Anyways as a Grave Cleric you have Gentle Repose and Ray of Enfeeblement innately prepared for further control of live and death, and Enhance Ability will let you guide those who would aid you with your marks.

LEVEL 9 - CLERIC 4

At level 4 you get another Ability Score Improvement, and even though we still have some odd Ability Scores Dexterity is far more important to aim our bow and dodge our enemies.

You can also learn another cantrip and Mending can help clean the area after Wolf is done. For your leveled spell Warding Bond will let you share some of the pain with Wolf, to make sure that you’re forever one.

LEVEL 10 - CLERIC 5

At level 5 Clerics can Destroy Undead of CR 1/2 or lower with their Turn Undead Channel Divinity. Does this ability scale very poorly in multiclass builds? Yes. Does it matter? No, because Turn Undead is rather situational as-is.

You know what isn’t situational? Revivify and Vampiric Touch to keep both yourself and your allies in the fight. Along with your innate spells you can prepare third level spells and Speak with Dead will allow you to give your marks their final words. Perhaps not always useful, but hey you can prepare whatever you want.

LEVEL 11 - CLERIC 6

6th level Grave Clerics are Sentinel at Death’s Door. If your enemies are trying to do your job you can spend a reaction to negate a critical hit. You can use this reaction a number of times equal to your Wisdom modifier, and regain all uses on a Long Rest.

You can also prepare another spell: if you can get in melee range Bestow Curse will allow you to make sure that your mark is effective. (But again you can prepare other spells if you don’t want to get into melee range.) And to top it off you can use your Channel Divinity twice for even more marks!

LEVEL 12 - CLERIC 7

7th level Clerics get access to 4th level spells which means that finally we can get our ultimate as a Grave Cleric with Death Ward. It’s not AoE not is it continuous but it will stop someone from dying. You do also get Blight as a Grave Cleric; seeing as Death Ward serves as Lamb’s mercy then Blight can serve as Wolf’s ferociousness? Regardless Locate Creature will let you find your mark however you wish to deal with them.

LEVEL 13 - CLERIC 8

Our final level is the 8th level in Cleric for Potent Spellcasting, but seeing as we aren’t casting spells I’m again going to suggest you take Blessed Strikes from the Class Feature Variants UA to do a d8 of damage with one of your arrows per turn. More ADC damage spikes!

You also get an Ability Score Improvement at this level and since we’re maxing out our divine influence I’d suggest increasing both your Intelligence and Wisdom by 1 to finally get rid of those odd numbers. This means that you can prepare two more spells from the Cleric list: Banish will help you deal with any creatures who aren’t in your jurisdiction, and Freedom of Movement will put a stop to anyone trying to stop you. But again you can prepare any spells you wish as a Cleric so pick and choose whatever you think will be useful.

(Artwork by merkerinn on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 14 - RANGER 6

Now that we are full Kindred it’s time to adapt Wolf further. Level 6 Rangers get Favored Enemy and Natural Explorer Improvements but since we’re using Class Feature Variants you instead get another feature from Deft Explorer: Tireless will make sure that no one can hold back the inevitable, as you gain the ability to temporarily shield yourself as well as decrease Exhaustion during short rests.

LEVEL 15 - RANGER 7

With 7 levels in Ranger Wolf now has Exceptional Training. You can now command Wolf to take the Dash, Disengage, or Help action on his turn if you command him with your bonus action. Additionally Wolf now count as magical for the purpose of overcoming resistance and immunity to nonmagical attacks and damage, because apparently the embodiment of death wasn’t magical?

Speaking of magic you can also learn another Ranger spell: Pass Without a Trace will allow you and all your allies to add +10 to their stealth roll, so that no one can see Kindred come.

LEVEL 16 - RANGER 8

8th level means an Ability Score Improvement, so it’s time to max out that Dexterity modifier for shots that always strike at the heart.

And to help you chase prey with Wolf Land’s Stride allows you to move through nonmagical difficult terrain without using extra movement. You can also pass through nonmagical plants without being slowed or taking damage because of them. In addition, you have advantage on saving throws against plants that are magically created or manipulated to impede movement, such those created by the entangle spell. The Shadow Isles are full of death; you won’t be held back by the warden.

LEVEL 17 - RANGER 9

9th level Rangers can cast third level Ranger spells. Thanks to Primal Awareness you can cast Speak with Plants once per day. If you want to use red buff however grab Flame Arrows to set your shots ablaze.

LEVEL 18 - RANGER 10

10th level Rangers get more Natural Explorer Improvements, which for us means we can take Roving from Deft Explorer. Your movement speed increases by 5 (on top of the 5 from being a Satyr, so 40 total) and you get a swim speed equal to your movement speed! You also get Hide in Plain Sight, allowing you to spend 1 minute to hide for +10 to stealth checks. Could you just cast Pass Without a Trace instead? Yeah probably.

While I like Fade Away from Class Feature Variants unfortunately Kindred can’t turn invisible.

LEVEL 19 - RANGER 11

Level 11 Beastmasters access Bestial Fury, letting Wolf attack twice instead of once! Is this extremely late to get what amounts to an extra d6 + 3 damage that probably won’t hit because of Wolf’s chance to hit? Yeah probably.

But at least you get another spell! Grab a late-game Adaptive Helm with Protection from Energy to keep you from taking too much from Volibear or Shyvana.

LEVEL 20 - RANGER 12

Our final level is the 12th level of Ranger for an Ability Score Improvement that’s going straight into Wisdom to buff all your spells as well as Wolf. This does mean that you get to prepare another Cleric spell but it’s so late now that pretty much anything would work.

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Your next treat, dear Wolf - While you perhaps don’t do the most damage with your shots it’s more than likely that your arrow will fly true, and you have many a mark and spell to make your shots pierce even the toughest of hides.

Hurry, Lamb. Faster! - Along with the obvious anti-magic benefits of playing a Satyr the mobility can’t be ignored, with long leaps despite your low strength and 40 feet of movement thanks to Roving.

Beauty fades; that is why it is beautiful - You have a positive score in every social stat and quite a few skill proficiencies, making you rather adept among those who revel you... or fear you.

CONS

I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm bored, chase chase chase! - Two reworks later and Beastmaster Ranger is still underwhelming. While this build does good at early levels it quickly falls off as Wolf’s jaws become less useful. Be sure to talk to your DM about how to make Beastmaster Ranger more playable. Or perhaps just play Artificer?

What do all stories have in common, dear Wolf? - Your spell slots are limited, meaning that eventually your resources will run out. What’s more is that while your slots go up to level 7 the level of your spells stop at 4, and while you can upcast your spells will never be as good as a spell that was meant to be cast at that level.

Is this what it feels like to end? - While you have a lot of ways to keep yourself in the fight your health and armor really leave something to be desired. You’ll probably only have a little over 100 health which means that a Power Word Kill can put a stop to you with ease.

But your mark is guaranteed to fall in time; it is merely up to them if they choose an arrow or teeth. Every life ends with you one way or another: just make sure that the life ending isn’t your own. A grey man sitting in a grey room leads to a very sad Wolf.

(Artwork by inkinesss on DeviantArt)

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