#teach your grandmother to suck eggs
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hussyknee · 10 months ago
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Jsyk DC is fairly pro israel and pro military and probably not a company you want to support.
I'm assuming you mean DC Comics. Lucky for me, I have never supported DC in my life, financially, promotionally, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. In fact, Ive spent most of my time telling everyone who will listen to never to read anything about the characters this piece of shit company is holding hostage that's been published by said company and read fanfic about them instead. Piracy is financial compensation for twenty years of severe emotional damage, and I have spent most of it eviscerating almost everything they've ever put out. Although that might be just being a comic book fan and a queer woman of colour at that.
The thought of you telling me that DC is part of military entertainment complex, something I've been shouting into the white void of fandom for nearly as long as I've been in it is cracking me up. How anyone could read their comics and not understand that they're a fundamentally conservative, racist, pro-establishment entity that hates women and minorities is beyond me. If you think people's hyperfixations and special interests are based on support and endorsement instead of emotional dysregulation you are profoundly mistaken. And just as mistaken to think being fandom translates to financial support. If it did, those of us in the Global South would either go broke or not be fans of anything produced in the English language.
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aro-attorneys · 1 year ago
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love seeing my friends take screenshots of Astarion and send it to me. apparently I did not infodump to everyone in my vicinity that I got this game back in 2020
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callmebliss · 2 years ago
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Good mornthing, Blisstopia. How you be?
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cicelythereaper · 10 months ago
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i'm gonna add some more detail here since anon is asking in good faith. there is a really common strand in arthuriana criticism, particularly of an older kind but it still appears, which looks for weird supernatural shit in arthuriana, attributes it to the "celtic" origins of arthuriana, and assumes that it comes from older, pre-christian pagan beliefs. it makes sense that people would assume welsh arthuriana is The Pagan Bit, because a lot of writing about arthuriana could lead you to believe that!
(continued detail under the cut because this got long)
the facts as we have them are, though, that out of the early medieval peoples of britain, those who ended up becoming the welsh seem to have been christianised first. (writing in the eighth century, bede - as néide mentions in their tags - complains that the welsh did not convert the english when they arrived in britain, despite already being christian.) they are christianised so early that (unlike in old irish lit) medieval welsh literature almost never makes any reference to the welsh having been pagan at any point.* medieval welsh poetry often conceives of welsh lords as christian heroes fighting pagan enemies (the A-text of y gododdin is probably the most glaring example, but the trope appears elsewhere), even long after the rest of britain has been christianised.
*exceptions include welsh saints' lives, which often include conversion narratives, and the references in the fourth branch to "the kind of baptism they practised then", i.e. in the pre-roman period - but you'll notice that they still call it baptism.
this means welsh arthurian literature is christian from the start. the first mention of the battle of badon shows up in gildas' sixth-century work de excidio britanniae, a work written by a christian cleric aimed at other christian clerics and kings. the earliest arthurian material we have is latin, and as another commenter pointed out, it includes arthur carrying an image of the virgin mary on either his shoulders or his shield in a battle against pagans. (this is from historia brittonum, often called nennius in older scholarship, a text dated to the mid-ninth century and localised to gwynedd). and when it comes to arthurian literature in welsh, how the texts we have are dated varies from scholar to scholar and text to text, but none (to my knowledge) have been pushed back any earlier than the eleventh century, and none are preserved in manuscripts prior to the thirteenth century. this is sufficiently far into the christian period that not only had they reinvented how to calculate easter, they'd also had multiple monastic reform movements and reinvented how to canonise saints.
i think the impulse to find paganism in (welsh) arthuriana comes from an unspoken - maybe unconscious - assumption that weird supernatural shit must pre-date christianity, because christians couldn't come up with weird supernatural shit. but i have good news: medieval christians could and did come up with weird supernatural shit all the time! for the most part they just believed this was a part of life, something that neither supported christianity nor went against it. god made the world, and the world included weird shit. there are late twelfth-century miracles attributed to st cuthbert that involve figures we would now call fairies. both versions of the life of st cadoc include him performing a miracle (as part of a legal dispute with king arthur, in fact) that looks remarkably like the kind of shapeshifting magic gwydion uses in the fourth branch - he casts an illusion over some cows to make them all certain colours, and when arthur gets greedy and tries to grab them too early from the ford they're crossing, they turn into ferns and are swept away. later cadoc resurrects an ancient giant, i guess just for fun?** and leaving saints aside entirely, ronald hutton's recent book "queens of the wild" is 100% about Weird Supernatural Figures who show up in medieval belief, who neither threaten christianity nor become part of it.
**unless you can find a copy of wade-evans' vitae sanctorum britanniae i'm afraid you're going to have to take my word for this one, but i promise both of these things really do happen in all known versions of the life of cadoc.
and to bring things back to king arthur, this is also true of the earliest arthurian material! in historia brittonum - a text written at a christian court, for a people who had been christian for centuries - arthur is a christian fighting pagans with the virgin mary's aid, and a large part of the rest of the text is taken up by an account of the life of st germanus and his time in britain. the text also contains a section on the 'wonders of britain', including the grave of arthur's son amr (which changes size whenever it is measured) and 'carn cabal', a stone carrying the imprint of arthur's dog cafall's paw when arthur hunted the supernatural boar "twrch trwyth". these things do not contradict each other!
so anon, i hope this doesn't disappoint you to hear. arthuriana preserves a hell of a lot of Weird Shit, we just have no reason to think that that weird shit can only be explained as a survival of a pre-christian pagan religion, and a lot of reasons to think that medieval christians were as into Weird Shit as we are. i think that's great.
Hi, with the arthurian legenda being entirely christian, aren't there welsh legends believed to be where the arthurian legends were drived from? Sorry if i misunderstood your point but tmk the christian elements were added later. Not trying to start anything tbc i am honestly curious
the welsh material is also christian, hope this helps 💚
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planetcleer · 5 months ago
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eddie kaspbrak loves cooking shows. like, he loves them. the food network is his favorite channel, and he watches everything from diners drives ins & dives to good eats to the pioneer woman, not to mention all the different cooking & baking competitions (gbbo is, ofc, his favorite) that crop up every year. eddie kaspbrak loves cooking shows, but eddie kaspbrak doesn’t know how to cook. it’s hilarious! it’s hysterical, even! because sure, for that brief period in college between sonia & myra, he learned some basics, like toast and grilled cheese and scrambled eggs, but for all he watches he’s pretty clueless in the kitchen. ask him to roast potatoes or make a soup from scratch and watch him flounder. he’s never had to do anything like that himself before, you know. he’s never been allowed to.
and it sucks, it does, because food is a form of love. and he knows that because, while he doesn’t have many memories of his dad, almost all of the ones he does have revolve around food. frank kaspbrak loved cooking. he loved best cooking polish recipes from his youth, stuffed cabbage and haluski (eddie’s favorite) and pierogis and chalka bread (eddie’s second favorite) and borscht, and eddie loved to watch. frank would hold eddie on his hip and let him see it all, even let him help sometimes, and when eddie got a little too big to be held, frank would drag a chair in from the dining room to the stove and hoist him onto it so he could stand and watch every step. while he chopped vegetables or showed eddie how to bread pork or worked on dough, frank would tell stories about his childhood, and how he learned to cook from his mother and his grandmother, and how he would cook with eddie until the recipes were all stuck in his head like they were stuck in how own, because they had never been written down before, and it made eddie feel close to him, made him giggle to think about his big strong dad being small and standing on a chair and watching just like him.
frank kaspbrak loved cooking, and then he got sick. very sick. the last memory eddie has of his dad is curling up with him in his hospital bed and listening to him whisper-rasp promises, with what was left of his ravaged lungs, of fresh chalka and pączki and haluski and potato pancakes once he got better. the trouble was that he never did.
lots of things changed after he was gone. eddie learned quickly that his dad hadn’t lied—none of his family’s recipes had ever been written down. he also learned that hospital food was not love, and neither was takeout, but that even though it was different, his mother’s cooking was, and even more so, over time she taught him that not letting him too close to the hot stove or sharp knives was love, too. cooking for him and not with him was love, keeping track of his allergies was love, teaching him to fear food that wasn’t good for him was love, because taking care of him was love.
myra seemed to know those things inherently, and when he married her, she showed him that she loved him in the same ways. she looked after him, she cooked for him, she made sure he stayed away from too much sodium and sugar and butter, she protected him from everything including himself.
and all the while, eddie kaspbrak loved cooking shows. well, he loves cooking shows. in the hospital, after pennywise, he watches a lot, and he learns, but not how to baste a turkey or throw together a corn salad. no, he learns that actually, takeout can be love when your friends sneak it into your hospital room to cheer you up, and yeah, okay, maybe hospital food can be love, too, when you have someone who will make you laugh about it or split your jell-o with.
he divorces myra once he’s out. his friends support him, and richie is quick to offer his home for eddie to stay while he gets back on his feet. eddie is just as quick to accept. they’ve always been best friends, haven’t they? he moves in more than he crashes. it sort of feels like they’re kids again. and, you know, richie tozier loves cooking. for the first time in thirty five years, eddie feels compelled to watch, and so most nights he perches on the other side of the island while richie pretends to be on a cooking show, just for him. it’s a fucking riot! but it’s something else, too. it’s special, because they laugh, and they talk about anything and everything and nothing, and they share their meals together every night, and it makes eddie feel close to him.
eventually, richie starts to involve eddie, calling him his lovely assistant, or his little sous chef. he walks eddie through the best way to cut up potatoes, or how to do a dry rub, or how to make an egg wash. eventually, he has eddie start sautéing the onions, or dredge and bread the pork chops, or throw together a fucking roux all on his own, without having to be shown. eventually, he starts to ask what eddie wants him to do, just as much as the reverse, and renames their imaginary cooking show after them both.
one year to the day after eddie moves in, richie shows him recipes he found online for chalka bread and some cabbage and noodle dish, i think it’s called haluski or something? whatcha think, chef k? eddie knows that richie knows exactly what haluski is. richie’s already gone and bought all the ingredients for both, and so they make them for dinner that night. richie lets eddie take the lead, and later he reaches across the table to hold his hand when eddie starts crying after the first bite. it tastes just like his father’s recipe, you know. it tastes like love and comfort and home. they wash up together after dinner, eddie scrubbing and richie drying as he yaps on in one of his voices, and eddie has to stop right in the middle of it to grab richie’s face with his soapy hands and kiss him. the rest of the dishes are left forgotten until the morning.
so yeah, eddie kaspbrak loves cooking shows, and he loves cooking, and holy shit, he loves richie tozier, too.
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cleverthylacine · 7 months ago
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jfc I really am old aren't I
BTW I am old and I used to be in the HP Fandom and I was one of the people who actually knew Ms Scribe. Here's a funny story: she saw me arguing with a close friend over IRL politics in my LJ and told us we shouldn't argue like that because friends were too precious to lose. Meanwhile she was playing "Let's You and Him Fight" with me, who ran Nox et Lumos, and Arabella, the person who ran the Sugarquill site.
I also was the person who found and told the CEO of SixApart that their abuse department had gone off their rockers, and that roleplay journals, lolita fashion journals, etc were being taken down during the 2007 Strikethrough purge on Livejournal.
Don't try and teach your grandmother to suck eggs.
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bagheerita · 1 month ago
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Ghemor: Let me give you some advice: never ever trust Garak
Kira: lmao why don't you teach your grandmother how to suck eggs
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cicelythereaper · 9 months ago
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he is for sure copying works by multiple authors, but whether his spellings can tell us anything about the age of his manuscript exemplars is a hotly debated topic (as it is for any middle welsh manuscript!). the spelling difference you point out is definitely suggestive, but scribes did vary their spellings even within the same text, and the black book scribe's spelling is so weird throughout that i wouldn't hang any theories on this particular difference.
Ok here’s something I’m curious about. I’ve been reading the black book of carmarthen and surely the one scribe copying things down is copying things from different time periods right? Like I’ve seen guiledic and wledic for lord surely he’s copying from different authors right
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imiya · 2 years ago
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i'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs
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stella-lesair · 1 year ago
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To the person on the Ranger Corps Discord Server wondering about Greece being canon
I got one thing to say to you: It is. And not in altered version.
To back up my point, we have to play a small game of Mr. World-Wide. In the German books, we have to look at the English Araluen chatting in Japan Nihon-Ja.
In chapter 43 it says in the English book:
"Sorry," Will said. "Later this afternoon, I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs."
The two friends grinned at each other. Shigeru and Selethen both looked a little puzzled.
"Why does his grandmother want to suck eggs?" Shigeru asked.
Now the German translation to it is following:
"Entschuldige", sagte Will. "Später werde ich auch noch Eulen nach Athen tragen."
Die beiden alten Freunde grinsten einander an. Shigeru und Selethen sahen beide etwas verwirrt drein.
"Warum will er denn Eulen nach Athen tragen?", fragte Shigeru.
Now for those who don't speak German, the saying which is used here as a translation is to carry owls to Athens. (The meaning of the owls and the eggs are synonymous.)
I'm probably reading too much into this, but not only Horace and Will, but also Shigeru and Selethen being aware of a place called Athens makes me conclude that Athens is not that small of a town and implies the existence of Greece, or at least the city-state Athens as we had it in our history.
Conclusion: Athens is canon.
... At least to the Germans.
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moonbeam408 · 1 year ago
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Well I'm pretty sure that @rosepetalmoon and @lavenderhelix are feeling a bit down due to the darkness of winter.
So I'm gonna try and cheer them up with music!
Here we go!
*puts on music*
Hello, boys and girls
This is your old pal stinky wizzleteats
This is a song about a whale
No, this is a song about being happy
That's right, it's the happy, happy, joy, joy, song
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy, joy
I don't think you're happy enough
That's right, I'll teach you to be happy
I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs
Now, boys and girls, let's try it again
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy, joy
If'n you ain't the granddaddy of all liars
Think of the little critters of nature
They don't know that they're ugly
That's very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee
I told you, 'I'd shoot', but you didn't believe me
Why didn't you believe me?
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Happy, happy, joy, joy, joy
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boofisded · 5 months ago
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IF YOU AINT THE GRANDADDY OF ALL LIARS
I TOLD YOU ID SHOOT
BUT YOU DIDNT BELIEVE ME
WHYYYYY DIDNT YOU BELIEVE ME
ILL TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK EGGS
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stelladellutto · 6 months ago
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111 I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs.
.
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yuqioh · 9 months ago
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just learned what the phrase to teach your grandmother to suck eggs means i always thought it was referring to hard boiled eggs but apparently it was bc they used to poke a small hole into a raw egg and suck on it to get their protein when they couldn’t chew for a lack of teeth
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queenclaudiabrown · 1 year ago
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Shadow of The Jaguar by Steven Savile | THREE
     It was still too early to call Nando Estevez, and would be for some time yet, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make preparations. There were a thousand things that needed to be put in place for a legitimate scientific expedition, and almost none of them could be done overnight. Still, they had to be done.
     Cutter corralled the team into his office, mentally sorting out the best way to divvy up responsibilities.
     He looked at them looking at him, and wondered what they saw.  Sometimes he had difficulty recognizing the man he saw reflected in their eyes, seeing instead a distorted image in a fun-house mirror.  He recognised the features, the lines and bone structure, that was all intimately familiar to him, but the flesh did not make the man. The sum of his experiences did. Memories shaped a man’s life and gave it purpose and meaning.
     They had their memories, and he had his, and even when they were of each other they were different. Cutter hadn’t lived through many of the experiences they thought they shared between them. It was a peculiar thing to think about: a wrinkle in time.
     He needed to think about something else. Time to throw himself into his work.
     They had resources now, he reminded himself. The ARC was a long way from his disorganised academic haven shunted away on the far corner of the university campus. They had money at their disposal, and they even had access to the strings that needed to be pulled.
     He could probably have left them to their own devices, said something like: “Suit up and be ready for the morning,” and they would have been.
But he preferred to be on top of things, even if it was akin to teaching his grandmother to suck eggs - an expression that had never made that much sense to him.
     “I feel like I just stepped through the looking glass,” Cutter began, peering beyond them at his reflection in the glass door. “Now I’m trying to believe in five impossible things before breakfast, and I think my head is going to explode.”
     “Six,” Connor corrected.
     “What?”
     “It’s six impossible things.”
     “Right. And that’s meant to help prevent my head from exploding?”  Cutter scratched at the stubble on his cheek to hide his slight grin. “Okay, so let’s review the situation from our end.” He turned to Stephen. “Was Nando Estevez in your seminar group?”
     Stephen shook his head. “The name doesn’t ring any bells. Sorry.”
     “Ah, well, Nando is an old student of mine. He contacted me last night to report something potentially very exciting. He’s a ranger in an eco-reserve in Peru. Part of his job is to study the behavioural patterns of the 100-plus endangered species that can be found within the rainforest.  Recently, he’s noticed a lot of strange activity, including tracks he doesn’t recognise, and bones that are out of time. Reading between the lines I think he suspects they are from a supposedly extinct creature. By themselves they prove nothing, though they do raise a lot of questions, and coupled with some peculiar migratory patterns he has observed in the species, I think it means a prehistoric creature has been introduced into the ecosystem. Perhaps more than one. This could be our first solid evidence of an anomaly outside of the British Isles.”
     He paused, and allowed that to sink in for a moment. Connor, of course, was the first to speak up.
     “Do you know what that means?” he said breathlessly, as his mind raced to catch up with all of the possibilities. This was a conspiracy theorist’s dream... and nightmare. “It doesn’t have to be the only one, does it? I mean, there could be anomalies all over the world. Everywhere.”
     The implications of it hung there, just waiting to be voiced. It was Abby who spoke up next.
     “Oh, God,” she said, shaking her head. “What does it mean? If anomalies could begin opening everywhere, the past and the future breaking through, is time itself coming undone? Life’s supposed to be a straight line, from birth to death, not twisting and turning across the millennia.”
     Then her specialty kicked in.
     “How can we survive if bacteria from the Permian are suddenly let loose, and we’re not there to contain it?  We have no vaccines.  No resistance.  Look at bird flu.  What if it’s not natural? What if it appeared just because a bird in Eastern Europe fed on some Jurassic faeces?  Look how it’s spread, what it’s done to livestock.”
     She sat back and muttered, “Oh, God.”
     All of this had occurred to Cutter, and more. The threat to humanity didn’t have to come from the past, either. Seeing Abby’s troubled face, he chose not to voice his fears.
     “You think something has come through, then? Some sort of predator?” Stephen asked, bringing them back, ironically, to the present.
     “I don’t know.” Cutter admitted. “But that would be the logical conclusion. The rainforest ecosystem is a finely balanced mechanism. Sudden changes are uncommon, and when they do occur it’s almost always because something has unsettled the balance. A new predator is the logical extrapolation of the facts.”
     Stephen nodded.
     “It’s hardly new, though, surely?” Connor said. “What about El Chupacabra? South American territories are rife with stories of mysterious predators and mystical devil dogs going back centuries.  Iconographically, even their gods are based upon incredible monsters.  Take Quetzalcoatl, the bird serpent.”
     “True,” Cutter said. “There might still be unidentified species in the region.”
     “Any ideas what we’re looking for?” Jenny asked.
    “Could be anything, literally. We’ve got all of history to contend with. Predators were common on the South American pampas.” He stopped, wary of letting them get carried away with endless supposition.
     “So, this morning I was told in no uncertain terms an investigation was out of the question, and this afternoon we’re packing our bags for Peru. As much as I hate the political ramifications of what Lester is asking us to do, this is a pretty unique chance for us to see what’s out there. Let’s not waste the opportunity.
     “With that in mind, we’re going to need to make some pretty serious preparations in a very short period of time. I’m going to contact Nando and arrange for a welcoming committee, once we reach the reserve.  Connor, I want you to sort out the technical side of things, go to the stores, work out what we’re likely to need to do this properly.
     “Abby can you handle the practicalities: tents, dry bags, first aid supplies, salt pills?
     “Jenny, if this is meant to be a legitimate expedition, we’re going to need transport both to get there and once we’re on the ground - and it has to be of the non-military variety. Let’s distance ourselves as far as possible from anything official. Get onto the airlines, find out the nearest airport, arrange the hire of an All Terrain Vehicle. I’m sure there are a stack of permits we’ll need to have in place before we touch down.”
     “Already onto it,” she said briskly.
     “Great. Stephen, we’re going to need supplies in situ: food, water, dietary supplements. We’re not going to be in a position to wander into the nearest supermarket once we land, and certainly not once we’re in the wild. We’re going to need maps too.  I don’t want to leave anything to chance.”
     “Maps? Maps? We don t need no stinking maps,” Connor said, doing a fairly miserable Bogart impression. “We’ve got the GPS trackers, satellite hook-ups, pin-point accuracy. All the mod cons for us, Prof. None of this splashing around in the mud trying to read soggy paper.”
     “Right, and they’re all well and good, but how exactly do you plan on charging them up on day two?  We’re going to have to do it the old fashioned way, I’m afraid.”
     “I don’t suppose...” Connor paused, looking around the room hopefully.  “You know... What about guns?”
     “What about them? Should we plan on smuggling them across international boundaries? Last time I looked ‘gunrunner’ wasn’t in the job description.”
     “We could use diplomatic pouches,” Connor offered.
     “Do you really think I’m going to let you run around in the jungle with an AK47?” Cutter asked. And his face made it clear that it wasn’t really a question.
     Connor shrugged. “Worth a try.”
     “Who knows, one day I might weaken,” Cutter said. “But I wouldn’t count on it.”
     Alejandro Inatuzi was a simple man. His life consisted of simple things.
The simplest of which was the dream of going home to sleep. The Médico Clinica Cuzco operated on a three-shift system - at least in theory. He had worked eighteen hours straight, with three more to go, and needed a cigarette if he was going to make it through.
     He snuck out, nodding as he passed the ward sister who was hunched over patient charts working out doses of medication for the night shift. Pills of all colours were laid out in white paper drinking cups, waiting to be taken through to the wards. She smiled up at him as he walked by her desk. Her deep brown eyes were manna from heaven.  There was beauty, he mused, the young, pretty kind that was brushed on with makeup, and then there was real beauty, the lines of the face, the curves of the body, ample and rounded, of a proper woman. Sister Maya Vennasque was a proper woman in every sense of the word. She had the kind of beauty that would have made painters weep and plead for the chance to immortalise her.
     Hell, Alejandro wanted to paint her, and there wasn’t an artistic bone in his body.
     He mimed smoking a cigarette and she shook her head. so he shrugged a kind of rueful can’t blame a guy for trying shrug, and pressed the button for the elevator.
     The corridors exuded that ever-present ammonia and antiseptic smell. The floor tiles were scuffed and worn, any kind of lustre long since trodden into submission by countless feet over the course of too many years to remember.
     The elevator arrived, and he went outside for his smoke. Alejandro rolled his own licorice-paper cigarettes, adding a little smoothing extra to the tobacco in order to wake him up during the interminably long shifts.
He savoured the smoke as it filled his lungs, finished cigarette, then wandered back up to finish the chores on his duty roster. He had six rooms left to visit before he could go home.
     Maya smiled her heart-stopping smile as the elevator doors opened up again.
     “No rest for the wicked,” he said, leaning up against the desk, “and no use pretending I’m not the wickedest.”
     “Alejandro Inatuzi, what would your wife say if she knew you spent your nights flirting with another woman?”
     “She’d threaten to cut bits off of me, I am sure,” he replied, grinning.  “So let’s keep it our secret.”
     “You’re incorrigible,” Maya chuckled.
     “I try to be.”
     “Take these in to the Englishman would you?” she said. “He needs to take three on the hour.” She handed him one of the small pill cups.
     He wandered back toward his steel cart, which was still up against the wall where he had left it an hour ago. That was one thing about the night shift, generally it was calm - at least once it was past three a.m., that is.
That was one of the curiosities he’d discovered working in the hospital - more people died at three in the morning than at any other time of day.
They joked about the Death Hour, but they all believed it. ‘El Diablo’s Time’, they called it.
     He checked his watch. It was five minutes to four. Five more minutes, then he was home free. He laughed quietly at himself and started whistling as he walked.
     The Englishman was in the last room off the corridor, sharing, it with Paco, an emphysemic who hadn’t said a word since he lay down in bed, six weeks earlier. Paco had been brought into the hospital to die, left there by a grandson who had no wish to care for the old man.  Sometimes people disappointed Alejandro; there was honour in caring for your elders. It went back to tribal times; the men gave their lives for the tribe, and when they could no longer hunt or fish or fight, they were cared for by the beloved they had spent their lives feeding and protecting.
     This new generation, with their flat-screens and their fast cars, left a lot to be desired when it came to humanity. With that thought, he turned to enter the darkened room.
     There was a man standing over the Englishman’s bed.
     It took Alejandro a moment to realise that he didn’t recognise him.
     “What are you doing?” he asked. A superstitious part of his brain began screaming that he had walked in upon El Diablo, come to claim the Englishman for himself. Inwardly, he cursed himself for a fool.
     The man turned to face him, but said nothing.
     For a moment it seemed as though he had no face. There was no shape to it; no features, no colour. Alarmed, Alejandro reached for the switch and turned on the overhead lights.
     The stranger was wearing a mask, and he held a needle gun, which he had stabbed into the morphine dispenser. Alejandro watched as he depressed the trigger again and again and again, administering dose after dose.
     “Get away from him!” the orderly cried in alarm.
     The stranger let the dispenser drop and stepped away from the window-side bed. The saline drip was shot through with a ribbon of red: blood, Alejandro realised sickly.
     Still the stranger said nothing. He reached behind his back for something as he walked slowly toward the door. His hand came back holding a snub-nosed revolver.
     Alejandro threw up his hands, pleading, “Don’t shoot me. Please. I did not see anything. The Englishman died in his sleep. It happens. Please, do not shoot me. I have a wife and three boys. Please.” The stranger came close enough that the foul stench of his breath was sucked back into Alejandro’s lungs as he swallowed air.
     He didn’t pull the trigger. Instead he raised his hand and hammered the hilt of the gun into the side of Alejandro’s skull with a sickening crunch of bone. The orderly fell, sprawling out across the freshly disinfected floor. He could see his own face reflected in the white tiles, and the blood-red rose that seemed to flower at his temple.
     The stranger stepped over him, his footsteps echoing hollowly in the antiseptic quiet of the ward.
     Alejandro did not dare move until the steps had faded to nothing.  Only then did he struggle back to his feet. He stumbled across to the Englishman’s bed and pulled back the blankets. He wrenched the needle out of the patient’s arm, cutting off the supply of whatever drug the stranger had administered.
     The flesh had already turned bruise-purple around the central line.
Poison? There were a hundred lethal drugs in the supply cabinets, and no way of knowing the toxicology of what was in the Englishman’s blood without testing the bag from the drip itself.
     The rhythmic beep of the heart monitor beside the bed faltered, and stopped.
     Alejandro hit the alarm.
     A minute later the crash team came running.
     The call came in a little before six in the evening.
     “Lester,” he said, answering the phone himself. As the voice spoke on the other end, however, he sat up straight in his chair.
     Cameron Bairstow was talking.
     Sir Charles’ man had made it through the wall of protection ringing the hospital by posing as a hospital orderly.
     “We’ve had word.” Sir Charles’ aristocratic burr was stretched painfully thin by a mix of grief and the muted telephone line. “It is Cameron they found, and Jaime is dead.”
     “I’m sorry for your loss,” Lester replied, surprising himself because he actually managed to sound as though a part of him meant it.
     “I don’t want your sorrow, Lester, I want you to bring my boy home. That is all that matters to me.”
     “I understand, but surely Cameron is safe now, and at the risk of being insensitive, there’s nothing we can do for Jaime. There is no longer the need for our little charade. And I’m sure the Foreign Office can assist with the arrangements...”
     The silence on the line was long and drawn out, the rasp of breathing the only hint that Sir Charles was still there. Finally, he spoke.
     “Cam is far from safe. There was an attempt on his life tonight. He was drugged in his bed, Lester. Someone broke into the hospital and tried to kill him while he slept. God only knows why. I won’t lose him, Lester. I have instructed my man to post armed guards at his bedside twenty-four seven, until your people arrive to collect him. It is only by the grace of God that he is not dead, twice over.” Again there was silence, and then he spoke again.
     “Listen to me, and listen to me well. I have lost one son. I will not lose another, Lester. I do not trust these people.”
     And despite that shocking truth, there was something in the way Sir Charles spoke that hinted there was still more to this than he was telling.
     That rankled.
     “I would very much like to contact your man,” Lester remarked, fastening onto the old man’s evasiveness. He wasn’t about to let this go.  If there was one thing he hated, it was people hiding things from him.  “There are questions I need to ask, for my team, and no disrespect, but it would be best to hear from him, rather than through your filter.”
     “Are you suggesting that I would lie?”
     “Not at all, sir, not at all. You have nothing to hide, I’m certain, so why should I think you are being anything other than 100 per cent truthful? I understand you are concerned that any indiscretion might make your son’s situation worse - loose tongues cost lives, and all that - but I assure you my team will act with the utmost tact. We will bring him home, but we really need to talk to your man to assess the situation properly. We have questions that need answering. Fools blunder in, Sir Charles, and none of us like to think of ourselves as fools, do we?”
     “Very well.” Sir Charles said. “I am trusting you with my boy’s life, Lester.  Don’t let me down.” Then he gave him the com-sat co-ordinates, call signal, a list of contact times, and the frequency that would allow Lester to reach his man on the ground.
     “A simple telephone number would have sufficed,” Lester said dryly.
     This time the silence on the line was absolute. Sir Charles had broken the connection, leaving Lester holding the phone.
     He sat back in his chair as he worried over what hadn’t been said. It was far more telling than what had. Lester cracked the bones of his knuckles, one at a time.
     Sir Charles wanted his son back, there was no denying that, but he wanted it done quietly, with the minimum of fuss, because for whatever reason he didn’t want Cameron’s story splashed across the front pares.
     Was he just protecting his son? There was nothing untoward in that, if he was. No sinister purpose. Cameron had almost certainly witnessed his brother’s killing, and that someone had attempted to murder him before he could talk added a sense of urgency to the situation. That intrigued Lester, he had to admit. But then murder was often fascinating.
     So what was it, an eye for an eye? Had Jaime’s killers come looking for Cam to finish the job? If so, what had he seen that could possibly frighten them into murder in such a public place?
     He had to impress Sir Charles’ urgency onto Jenny. He had given his word. That meant that they would bring him home.
     And not in a box, if it could be helped.
***
     The storerooms were an Aladdin’s Cave of gadgets.  Connor Temple scratched the scruff on the side of his face and tapped through the various menus looking for anything and everything that might be of use.
     Every item he could possibly need or want was represented by a small icon, which led to a description detailing precise dimensions, weight, and function. Despite what Cutter had said, he fully intended to fill up one of the Personal Digital Assistants with every scrap of data he could find on Peru, including flora, fauna, maps, political climate, hot zones, traditions and culture. They could jury-rig extra juice from a spare battery cradle that would give them twenty-four hours continuous use, and considerably more if used sparingly. Sometimes the holes in Cutter’s understanding were frightening. When it came to technology, it was as though he were trapped somewhere back in the eighties with his transistors, eight-track players and LEDs.
     “Practical, think practical,” he muttered to himself, resisting the urge to get carried away and requisition stuff for every eventuality.
     As an afterthought, he patched through to Jenny on the intercom.
     “Stupid question, but what sort of baggage allowance have we got?”
     She laughed at him. It wasn’t cruel laughter, though - far from it.  There was genuine affection in the sound. He could imagine her smiling into the intercom.
     “We aren’t flying British Airways, Connor. And we can’t exactly drop in
on a Hercules, so just this once we’re travelling in style. I’ve chartered a private jet from a government contractor.”
     “Nice.” He was impressed.
     Moments later, Connor was compiling the playlist for his MP3 player in his head, and he had it complete by the time the first of the steel coffins rolled in on the conveyor belt. It was all about the mood, matching the spirit of adventure with the mellowness demanded by fifteen hours cramped up in a tin can hurtling through the sky. Augustana, Aimee Mann, Breaking Benjamin, some Foo Fighters and Everclear to kick-start the journey. He could imagine Dave Grohl singing ‘Next Year’ as the wheels left the ground, followed by something more grungy as they climbed to altitude, The Levellers’ England My Home’ with its discordant fiddles, and Pearl Jam’s ‘Black’ with its melancholic melody. Throw in some Snow Patrol, Billy Corgan, Neil Hannon, and Mike Doughty and some old classics like Black Dog and 2112, and that was the first hour pretty much sorted.
     The second hour, well, that had to be mod classics like Madness’ Must Be Love’, Adam Ant’s ‘Prince Charming and The Specials’ ‘Ghost Town’, then shake it up a bit with ‘It’s A Kind of Magic’, ‘Mirror in the Bathroom’ or Bowie’s ‘Ashes to Ashes’ to follow. With any kind of mix, the success was down to how well the individual tracks flowed - it wasn’t about how great they were individually. There needed to be just the right amount of juxtaposition and continuity between bass lines and vocals to make it interesting, but not jarring.
     He broke the seals on the coffins to make sure everything he had chosen was safely stowed inside. Once he was satisfied all was as it should be, he locked them up again and struggled to drag them through to the loading bay. He muttered the refrain from a Stone Temple Pilots song as he wrestled with the steel boxes, not that anyone would have been able to recognise the words between huffs and puffs.
     It was a huge amount of equipment, but then, he had tried to think of every eventuality.
     Connor went through to the rec room. A re-run of Robot Wars was playing to itself on the flat-screen. He sank down into one of the beanbags across from the sofa and fired up the laptop someone had left on the table. The ARC was on an integrated network. Within a few minutes he was browsing the music files on his own machine and recreating the playlist from scratch. It took him the best part of an hour.
     It was an hour in which his curiosity got the better of him. He went back to the virtual server that linked the various machines up, and tapped in a string of commands. He hit a wall immediately, But, he thought to himself, what are walls for if not climbing?
     He tried another string, hit another wall.
     Then he went back to his own file directory and pulled out a spider program, and set it running as he returned to the wall. In five minutes he was through and looking at the main server, completely free of any filters or barriers.
     “Well, well, well,” he said to himself, cracking his knuckles. Six more keystrokes had him in the personal files. Four more and he was reading the name Abigail Sarah Maitland on his screen. It was all there, everything that was known about her, and he couldn’t stop himself from reading until he heard footstens in the corridor outside.
     Connor slammed the laptop case down and tried to pretend that he was minding his own business. He was whistling a mangled Nirvana tune when Abby’s pixie-like face peered around the doorframe.  Seeing Connor, she stuck her tongue out, grinned, and then hurried away, her heavy boots clattering along the corridor.
     He blushed and, sighing with relief at his narrow escape, fired up the laptop again.  He killed the connection to the personnel database.
     He spent the rest of the day filling three PDAs with everything remotely Peruvian that he could find, and it really was a case of anything and everything restaurant addresses in downtown Cuzco, emergency service numbers, embassy contact details, festivals, ceremonies, custom and costumes, religious practices, poisonous plant life, six-months-worth of newspaper articles. By the end of the day he had compiled an electronic oracle.
     “Ask it a question, anything you like,” he challenged Abby the next time he saw her.
     “Oh, I don’t know, how about the meaning of life, the universe and everything?” Abby said, smiling.
     “That’s too easy,” Connor tapped out a couple of commands, and the number forty-two appeared on the screen. He held it up to show her.
     “You are such a geek.”
     “But a loveable one, right?”
     “Not the first word I would have chosen.”
     “Tread softly,” Lester said, handing Jenny Lewis the contact details for Sir Charles’ man on the ground in Peru. “There was an attempt on young Bairstow’s life last night. He’s still with us, and we need to keep it that way.
     “Needless to say,” he continued, “Sir Charles is most upset by the whole affair. I promised him you would take care of it. There are armed guards assigned to the hospital now. You are to get Bairstow out of there.  Understood?” She nodded.
     “Minimum of fuss. Sir Charles is leaning on me to get his boy home, which is all well and good, but on top of the whole attempted murder thing, we’ve got an actual murder to worry about, of a Peer of the Realm’s son on foreign soil. Like it or not, we’re talking a political minefield.
     “Sooner or later, the press are going to get wind of Jaime Bairstow’s death. They always do. Someone in Births, Deaths and Marriages will sell them a copy of the death certificate, or one of the baggage handlers at the airport will let slip about the coffin he carried off the plane that morning.
We don’t need a diplomatic incident here, Jenny. It’s all about damage limitation. We need to keep our stories straight.”
     Jenny read through the contact information.
     “What am I supposed to do with this?” she asked quizzically.
     “Make the call, ask the right questions. That’s what you’re good at, after all. Make the necessary arrangements to bring the boy home.”
     “There’s something you aren’t telling me, Lester,” Jenny said, laying the paper aside. “What is it?”
     Lester shrugged.
     “I don’t know. Just a feeling. I’m really hoping we’re talking about poachers here. Perhaps the boys stumbled across some of them in flagrante delicto, so to speak. God forbid Cutter’s paranoia rubs off on me, or Connor’s conspiracy theories, but I can’t help thinking there’s something Sir Charles doesn’t want us to know - and my money’s on the fact that that something is tied in with Cameron’s recollection of the attack. First Cutter comes into the office talking about anomalies in Madre de Dios, now this.
I’m not a huge believer in coincidence, if you catch my meaning.”
     “It’s rather hard to miss.”
     “Good. Let’s be blunt here, if it turns out young Bairstow has seen an anomaly, we’re going to need to make sure that part of the story never makes it out for public consumption.”
     When the next contact time arrived, Jenny took the details down to the Communications Centre on the main concourse. She had a technician relay one of the handsets through the com-sat on the right frequency, and retreated into the privacy of an empty lab.
     “Little Gods,” she said into the handset. “Little Gods, are you receiving me?”
     A burst of static answered her.
     She repeated the call sign every twenty seconds for five full minutes before a disembodied voice crackled back.
     “This is Little Gods, over.”
     “Little Gods, this is the ARC calling. Over.”
     “What can I do for you, ARC? Over.”
     “Our mutual friend suggested we contact you before we fly in. We have some questions about the lie of the land. Over.”
     “Ask away. Over.”
     “We’ve been led to believe you have spoken with Cameron? Over.”
     “Yes, I have. Over.”
     “What can you tell us about the attack on his brother? Over.”
     That was met by a grunt of what sounded like laughter.  She hoped it
was a quirk of the broadcast.
     “Nothing that makes any sense, I’m afraid. Over.”
     “Try me, Little Gods. Over.”
     “His recollections are patchy at best, though he does recall being stalked by a big cat. Over.”
     “So it wasn’t poachers? Over.”
     “No. He’s adamant that it was an animal. A jaguar perhaps, but huge.
He kept saying that. The cat was huge. That’s about the only coherent part of his story. Over.”
     “Don’t make me drag it out of you, Little Gods. Over.”
     More laughter greeted that.
     “He talked about diamonds in the air, as well. Diamonds that swallowed his attacker. Over.”
     Jenny paused a beat, and wished she hadn’t heard correctly.
     It was a concise and credible description of an anomaly, but she wasn’t about to let Sir Charles’ man know that his words meant anything to her.
     “I see what you mean,” she said. “It makes no sense. Over.”
     “Trauma plays tricks on the mind. It’s a miracle the lad is alive, after everything he’s been through. His wounds are terrible to see. Over.”
     “Indeed. I am assuming one of them was a head wound? Over.”
     “Multiple blows to the head, resulting in severe concussion, all of which would account for the disturbed vision and so-called floating diamonds. Not very exciting, I’m afraid. Over.”
     This time it was Jenny who laughed. Breaking protocol, Bairstow’s man continued.
     “Our friend tells me I am to meet you at the landing strip. I hope you are as beautiful as your laugh, ARC. Over and out.”
     Jenny sat there for a few moments, letting the implications of what she had heard settle in.  Diamonds in the air.  Cameron Bairstow had described the shimmer of an anomaly. There was nothing else she could think of that could possibly account for what he had seen. Not even a concussion would lead him to that precise a description.
     The revelation posed an entirely new set of problems, but it did not begin to answer why someone would try to kill him.
    She needed to talk to Lester.
     “Well, that is most disturbing,” Lester said.  He had his back to her, and stared at the wall as though gazing out through a window that wasn’t there.  “Are you sure that’s what he said?”
     “Positive,” Jenny confirmed. “At least that’s what Little Gods reported”
     “So what do you suggest we do now?”
     “Cutter should be made aware of the situation, for a start.”
     “I’m not entirely sure he should. The last thing we need is Indiana Cutter thrashing through the jungle with a machete, in search of diamonds in the sky.”
     “But what’s the alternative?”
     “In-and-out, that’s the remit. Keep Cutter away from the Bairstow boy.  Keep the Bairstow boy away from the press. Basically keep everyone away from the anomaly, and bury this non-story dead.”
     “You make it sound simple.”
     “It’s why we pay you the big bucks,” Lester said without the slightest trace of irony in his voice. As he turned, she saw that he was smiling.  Far from being pleasant, it was an almost predatory expression. “Do your job, manage the situation, Jenny. Go there. Get the boy. Bring him home. I don’t want to be reading about any of this in the newspapers. No anomaly lasts forever, we know that much. So we keep it quiet, bide our time, wait it out. It will decay and disappear. It might already have done so, for all we know. The fewer people who know about what’s going on, the better.”
     “Standard governmental operating procedure,” she said, before she could stop herself. Lester didn’t appear to catch the cynicism in her voice; he was far too preoccupied with fighting imaginary PR fires in his head.
     “Quite.  Least said, soonest mended.  It is not as though people are going to stumble upon a temporal rift in the middle of the rainforest.”
     She resisted the temptation to point out that it had already happened once.
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deadpanwalking · 3 years ago
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why do you not want book recs, you give them all the time lmao
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