#tbh? i think hes terrified of dying. he does NOT like it. i think esp after the waiting room hed dread it bc all he knows of it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

icharchivist · 6 years ago

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Lol, nothing to be ashamed of. Lavi's reaction to his relationships is one of the most fascinating parts about his character. I too wonder what his reaction will be post Noah abduction. Is Lavi the type to get that angry/vengeful for himself or just for someone else? It's possible if it was just him he could bury his feelings better and rationalize it's war and the Noah don't play nice. But Bookman is involved too. If something bad happened to Bookman because of the Noah would Lavi get furious-

2 enough to act irrational (for a bookman)? Afterall losing Bookman would also make Lavi the new Bookman (considering all the secrets he doesn’t know. I think Lavi would feel wholly unprepared for the new title).

we’ll do this by parts because there’s a lot to get through (with love nonny, this is fantastic and now i have a lot of Lavi’s feels thank u) So let’s start there.

But this is a good question and the question i’m wondering as well. And Bookman remains someone important for Lavi, emotionally and in term of rank, in term of what it means for him. The death of Bookman could bring anger, but would that anger be affection based? Would it also be fueled by the crushing duty on his shoulder? The crushing pain they both went through? Would Lavi consider his own pain or only the old man’s? There’s.. so many questions and i guess we just have to wait and see. I trust Lavi’s heart is too talkative for his own good, but it depends how much he decides to dedicate himself to his Bookman part once he has no other choice.

AND I’m gonna put the rest under read more because MAN this is fascinating and it has a lot of asks and Get In For the Lavi Suffering Train my friends!

(if you’re on mobile and the readmore doesn’t work blacklist #long post for ts, or #readmoreundercut to reduce this post, it got very long)

But yeah, there’s no use in comparing one reaction to another in terms of loss. All of them speak to how Lavi views them. From what I’ve observed Lavi hates seeing the volition of his friends violated. He hated how scared Leverrier made her when forcing her to act. He hated Tyki for -

3 trying to kill Allen and taking his future as a exorcist away since he knows how important that is to Allen. He didn’t calm down in both cases until Lenalee made her own choice and Tyki confirmed Allen was alive and coming. He also acts very post close death of someone. W/Lenalee he started to pay more attention to the depth of her feelings and comfort her (before he either kept distant or yelled at her). W/Allen he contemplated his own heart and acted more clingly. Both cases he got more - 4 more protective.

ooh this is a very, very good point! And even if it’s no surprise it really puts to word how that “bookman got no heart” thing is bullshit. If at least the Tyki’s overreaction was due to the grief and loss (which would be understandable as you say further in, not being as convinced of Allen’s survival) the one for Lenalee and Lveille was entierely on how Lveille was emotionally abusing Lenalee- something that is less “obvious” than litterally killing (geez i wonder how “I’m so heartles” Lavi managed to get pissed at an entierely emotionally based conflict) (is making fun of Lavi’s lack of heartlessness getting old yet? Bc I still will use that against him).

And you’re also right that there was a real change of action from Lavi the moment he feared he lost them. He was emotionally and physically more available to either of them- and since the most of it was when Bookman wasnt looking, it’s not really a wonder that Bookman made sure Lavi kept his distances when the destruction of the Order ended. Tbh it makes sense Lavi took his distances storywise when he did

(and it’s only the hiatuses that makes it very agonizing- and i mean it in general because even the pacing of the story had to change when Hoshino went to monthly with the Alma arc and to the current pacing. I remember that she mentioned having wanted to make a 3rd Exorcist centric arc before the Alma Arc but her health was running thin when she went on Monthly so she jumped on the Alma’s arc that was more important for her to tell. That’s why also she found the loophole to get the Thirds to be mindcontrolled by the Earl now and giving Link this side arc focusing on how he’s worried for them in recent arcs. I’m kinda sad we never got to see what that “Third Plotline” would have originally looked like, but i’m kinda curious how she’ll rework it. (tbh I feel like originally there was going to be an arc with more actions of the Third gradually getting the Noah’s interests rather than just their intervention in Paris and unseen missions. An arc to realy set in motion how the Noah came to the conclusions we see them get by the Alma arc. So like, kept the reasoning we got offscreen and keeping the thematic and lore/characters development for a future arc with another plot).Point is, it is possible there were more Lavi’s development planned after the Paris arc that had to be scrapped with the Alma arc was moved forward. (i also think there was a bonus around the Paris’s arc of Lavi mentioning coming back in the plot soon so if i’m not wrong, it strengthen my belief there). Considering also the focus on Lavi and Bookman following the news at that time, it’s possible it wasn’t directly planned to jump into what became of their storylines. Imo i wonder if the political aspect didn’t have to take a major backseat as well. I mean before the Alma arc we were learning about how the Noah (esp Sheryl with his political situation) were manifacturing wars to create the sorrow needed for the Akuma, and we see especially Lavi and Bookman read about it and more seriously mention it. I wonder if that was the set up to something that had to be pushed away considering how Sheryl becomes proheminant in the next arcs not for his political ties (like he was introduced) but for his sadism. THAT SAID it’s also interesting Sheryl’s introduction was directly commented on by LAVI AND BOOKMAN, which imo emphasis even more how much Sheryl was supposed to affect their storylines. It still works with the torture plot though. AND MAN THAT WAS A LONG PARENTETHIS SORRY).

Erg what was i saying- ah yes, Bookman might have seen that Lavi ended up getting closer to the others the few times Bookman hadn’t been paying attention, and with the threat of the innocence taking Lavi away (which would be fun, losing one apprentice to the Noah and the second to the Innocence…), forcing Lavi to recenter on Politics and keep his distances from the others made sense. Until the Alma arc happened and then it was just bad luck. Point is, Lavi’s emotional balance changed once Bookman wasn’t there to monitor him and i think Bookman is painfully aware of that. I think it’s not even innocent Bookman sent Lavi on Bookman’s duty to record Cross and Allen’s conversation about the 14th. Forcing Lavi into his duty in regard of what was happening to Allen, forcing him to face what caused him emotions and get back to being heartless. Doubt it really worked though but i can see a reasoning there in trying to remind Lavi of his duty.

I think Lavi would get pretty angry on Kanda’s behalf. But I wonder if it’d be on the same level of the other examples? They get along better then most but we haven’t seen them that emotionally availiable to the other. Ex, like Kanda was w/Alma, Lenalee, Marie and Teidoll and now w/Johnny and Allen. when I focus more on Allen (blame Lavi not being present for any of the Kanda plot). We’ll see whenever they reunite.

It’s a good question tbh. I wonder if the “oh no i’m caring too much” trigger isn’t set on “almost dying companions” and thus Lavi wouldn’t have reacted as much for Kanda (?). I wonder if he would just have gone back too what his mindset was before going to the Order according to his Road’s memories: “Humanity just sucks.” (heavily paraphrazing but he says something similar bc he saw too many wars. Which hell, he is at his 49TH NAME FOR A 49TH RECORDED WAR AT 18, i’m terrified to do the math (bc also i’m terrified of math) but that’s enough to make you lose faith in humanity). I wonder if Lavi wouldn’t have been “Disgusted but Not Surprised”.

But I like to believe he couldn’t help but be angry still. I want to believe in Lavi’s heart there. Of how much the Order first opened his mind and is now a source of suffering. Perhaps that’s also why he had to be kept away from that plotline. Bc he would have been unpredictable.

I think I like to focus on Allen’s impact on Lavi the most -

5 because the series does (it is Allen’s story).

(lmao mood and you play on my bias there and u know it)

Lavi got attached before Allen but the novel w/Dug reveals he was still detached enough to move on (and Dug was probably his closest genuine friend at the time). It wasn’t until Lavi saw an Akuma’s soul and Allen talking Krory out of suicide that something changed in Lavi. How the heck can a kid live in hell and still be so good? Lavi probably thought he had already seen hell in countless wars but one Aluma soul made him sick like nothing before - 6 did.

This is a VERY GOOD POINT and tbh same I do think the “seeing the Akuma’s soul” was the catalyst for Lavi. Also I think it was mentioned then that “allowing others to see Akuma’s soul” only happened that one time, so between Lavi, Krory and Allen. For Allen it was his “all the time” thing, for Krory it was his very first time even comprehending what Akuma were like, ways to be scared for life.

But for Lavi it also suddenly put emotional weight on what was happening, especially when his introductions is all a bit… teasing about how Allen was relaying on said eye. The whole “can’t trust anyone” speech he tells Allen. Which is even more telling that he JUST CAME BACK from the Dug’s mission when this whole arc happened. Meaning Lavi could have been really bitter about it and become extremely cynical.

For Lavi who distances himself emotionally from people to start with, who doesn’t even trust humanity all that much, “weapons made from people who cared to the point of being carried away” would probably just emphasis more on how much he’s not supposed to care. Adding fuel on why he is to be heartless, that he cannot trust anyone. And for Allen, who’s so young, so reliant on his eye, “not knowing the horrors of eventually losing someone to an Akuma” (I doubt Lavi knew of the Mana incident back then- if he did know Allen turned Mana into an akuma due to records though I think he might have been cynical bc he just lost someone over “that stupid move” too- would take time to sink in that those feelings even happened), it would just be someone who “got it easy”. While Lavi learnt the hard way what losing a close one to an Akuma would be like (also ding ding ding we got another parallelism between Lavi and Allen I’ve never noticed before of the two of them knowing someone who got turned into an Akuma this is a bingo). (And now that i’m thinking about it funny how Allen/Lavi/Krory all had a closed one that became an Akuma and they were the one tied in that arc: they’re the three who knows what an Akuma’s looks like).

The Eliade incident was Lavi’s wakeup call that Allen wasn’t carefree, he wasn’t having it easy- he was seeing horrors and stood it with a smile, a smile as fake as Lavi’s, fellow fake smile liar. Also it may have also put into perspective how much of a hard time Allen suddenly had when he lost his eye. I also wouldn’t leave it past Lavi to have realized all the sudden that this “soul” was An Actual Person more than a poor decision. To be able to see and conceptualize the mutilated soul must have suddenly put the Dug’s situation into perspective. And if i’m not wrong- it’s that Dug called for Colette’s soul who died right? A Little girl. Seeing Eliade’s soul must have suddenly clicked in Lavi’s head of “Holy hell this is what happened to Colette”. It wasn’t a vague “ye ye tragedy creating weapon yada yada” this was knowing that inside the mutilated body of his friend, there was the mutilated soul of a little girl who didn’t ask for it. I think that definitly added to a sudden punch for Lavi because he could associate Eliade’s situation to Dug/Colette. And while this was an horrifying sight the most horrifying was to realize that Allen was used to it and this was the sort of things that haunted him and that he still carrid it on to the point of feeling SAFETY into seeing those souls. Perhaps that helped a lot understanding Allen’s compassion for the Akuma.

And exactly like you mention: All this perspective had him more curious toward Allen. Tbh the fact he was even recluent in going to save Allen when the Krory arc started and that the following arc he was in full breakdown at the thought of Allen dying shows how much this incident only had him care for Allen beyond what he expected. It wasn’t just like Dug anymore. And I truly, truly believe it’s linked to how suddenly Lavi had to face Allen’s demons and wonder how he even keeps up a smile and still give himself up for those horrors.

(I hadn’t read the manga in forever and now i want to again dear kdhkjdf)

Another was inside Roads dreamworld when Lavi was fighting deranged versions of his friends. This was always a peculiar scene to me I haven’t fully decided what it means. All of the Order/companions are attacking Lavi. Except Allen who looks totally normal and unlike the other versions, doesn’t judge Lavi. He instead comments on what Lavi has attached to and gets killed for it. Not by Lavi. But by Bookman jr. Maybe BJr knew Allen was the one person Lavi couldn’t rationalize hurting even-7 if he knew this Allen was fake? Either way it was seeing Allen’s death that broke Lavi mentally enough to get hurt and fall under Road’s control. Maybe it’s mean’t to convey Allen is put on a pedestal. Allen has seen hell but never became a part of it like Lavi’s seen so many others have (even Lenalee only cares about HER people. Nothing against her. It’s totally understandable. But Allen is different for caring about everyone). That’s why Allen would never become a ‘monster’ in Lavi’s mind? -

8 But that’s a theory.

Ooh the scene that spilled a lot of ink (ahah geddit, “are we just ink on paper for you” and the ink of the Ace of spade spilling…. Look i need to do Bookmen jokes to cope)

But yes this scene was very good and I do think it’s true. The problem though is that since it’s Road’s illusion there’s a lot to wonder about how much was Road’s (correct) assuptions about Lavi, and the fact she herself has a soft spot for Allen.

I think it’s possible Road went with Lavi getting to face everyone’s corpses accusing him for “not having feelings” to break him, and realized it didn’t work. Lavi managed to see through the illusion (if only because say, Lenalee wouldn’t have said the horrible things Fake!Lenalee says in his mind). But Road knows Allen. Road knows how sweet and gentle he can be.

And somewhat she dig enough in Lavi’s brain to… not only know, but she found out the ACE OF SPADE and that goddamn Ace… MAN. LIKE. How important was that thing for Road to manage to tear it out from Lavi’s mind on the same level as him meeing Lenalee or the dude of the Order for the first time? From all the things Road could have picked up upon, it was that Card. That Card that represented how much affection Lavi had for Allen. That Card he linked to the grief of losing Allen (which also, doesn’t it mean Loss in divination reading? also due to the fact it looks like a heart upside down, pierced?). That Card that he kept as a memory of Allen, that he had to hold on to (litterally in the same frame as Anita & Lenalee talks about Cross and Lenalee asks “Do you believe he’s still alive?” (talking about Cross there) and Anita’s answer is set ON LAVI’S WATCHING THAT DAMN CARD thinking about ALLEN while she says “Yes. This is the only thing that’s giving me strength”. The very scene that has to force Lavi toremind himself he has no need for a heart. Also known as the scene that murdered me.).

And Road? Finds out how important that card is for Lavi, and realizes that Lavi “heartless” Bookman let himself cling into that one emotional piece, that ONE THING that kept him emotional. And what does she do? Realize that it means Allen is one of the only emotional things Lavi can materialize. And therefore, she shows Allen, gentle, sweet, kind, taking up the card, thanking Lavi for holding on to it. Lavi knew he was surrounded by illusions but he was frozen upon seeing Allen thanking him. If Allen immediatly attacked him like Fake!Lenalee did, how would Lavi have reacted? Who knows. Because Road went right to the emotions Lavi left vulnerable. The one thing Lavi had looked up to questioning about his Bookman duty and had his Bookman self murder Allen. And when the card fell down, all its ink disappeared, spilled. I think even “Bookman JR” says “what are you so distressed about, it’s only ink on paper?”. Turning how this card emotioanlly impacted Lavi into ink furthered Lavi’s duties due to how material it was.

I think you’re entierely right on “Bookman JR* knew Allen was the one person Lavi couldn’t rationalize hurting even if he knew Allen was fake”. (* albeit it is also Road digging into his own heart doing so - it is blurry whenever we can just pin it on Road or if his Bookman’s internal self also know and realize Allen is a weakness for himself). I think it might also be linked to how much of an emotional journey Allen had put him through so far and suddenly it was too much, and Road took the approach of a gentle Allen, a REALISTIC Allen, and it took Lavi completely off guard. It suddenly made it all more painful.

I do think perhaps he considers Allen differently, if only because he saw them far latter and had to come with a lot of different realizations about Allen- especially by seeing under his mask. Lenalee was always sincere about how she felt- he saw her crying on her fallen companions when they first met. Allen fakely smiled, Lavi took him for granted, and had his entiere view on him shifted by the Eliade incident only to then lose him. If Lenalee showed the good of caring for your own people, Allen was confusing, was the opposite of “All humanity sucks” Pre-Order Lavi.

bc i also think that counts: yes Lenalee cares only about her people, like you say- but Allen went off record to cut himself out from everyone while trying to save everyone: humans and akuma alike. I think that plays too. Lenalee keeps a few people close and she loves them openly. Allen fakes being close to everyone while he actually doesn’t let anyone in, carries all the burden for himself, and fight for absolutly everyone, friends or foes. And not by naivety, like Lavi first assumed, but by knowing too much. And ain’t “knowing too much” exactly what the Bookmen are for? “Knowing too much” is the reason Lavi cannot bring himself to get emotionally attached, and even managed to distach himself before the Order. Yet “Knowing too much” is the reason Allen cares so much despite consequences, despite what comes with it, despite seeing its horrors even more. “Knowing too much” had Lavi look down on humanity. “Knowing too much” had Allen focused on saving it. If only because of how much Lavi can relate to that, and how it links back to the sudden knowledge of what the eye bring, the vulnerability it created is fascinating.

(hell the whole torture does end with this: (translated from french bc it’s easier to grab my volume than look the chapter online sorry about that):Bookman self: Why are you so different from the 48 me before you? why does 49th suffer this much? Do you not want to be a Bookman anymore, “Lavi”? You prefer fighting for passing friendships? You know very well there’s no hope left to have in humankind. It only knows how to create conflicts. You know it well! So forget your self consiousness and remind yourself that “I”, I have responsabilities as Bookman.Lavi: Easy to say. Try to understand “me”. I lost faith in humanity. I wondered “Until when is it going to tear itself apart?” I was convinced that as a Bookman, I was belonging to a whole other species, what bullshit… But… could you light it up for me? In which purpose….. do Bookmen exist? Why the wars don’t end in the world of humankind?Bookman self: Why do you ask “me”? I don’t know!Lavi: I am you, right? There was 48 before. And with me, “Lavi” it makes 49…. 49 for one single person: “me”. And you still don’t have an answer? So if someone has to know….Unclear (probably both as it’s when “Lavi” disappears): The first one who started to change was You. The one who wanted to get out from this dead end. Who looked for answers.

Those are the questions that arose from Road’s fight. This is the questions that arose from fighting the people he loved, from facing Allen, from facing guilt. I am still fascinated by this monologue to this day because i’m not entierely sure what it means except that Lavi is taking a different approach at being a Bookman, and trying to figure out what it means to be one outside from just coldly recording as a neutral party. He went from “Knowing too much is why I don’t care for them” to “but I have a responsability by Knowing too much to make sense of it”. And that’s something that, to me, seems influenced by Allen. If only because Allen was the catalyst of every step through that nightmare: From what Broke him to what Called Him Back. Of what Broke him by “sticking to the cold Bookman nature” self, and what Called Him Back due to “Acknowledging Emotions” (the Caring Call (erg this section was added after i explained further down what the Caring Call is, details further down), but also Road’s - as he directly then tells Allen when he awakes “dO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THIS GIRL CARES ABOUT YOU”. Lavi’s key to salvation was to acknowledge Feelings. Of using this Knowledge he had to emotionally reccord to know how to emotionally get out. It isn’t for nothing Mister Heartless’s battle was a battle in his own heart this whole time.)

I do think there might be something for the torture of seeing everyone you don’t want to admit you care about hate you, and having the one person you know would care no matter what die in front of you because of the heartless facade you want to believe yourself to be, would break Lavi. Allen himself doesn’t hurt Lavi, Lavi still “gets stabbed” by everyone else fake!self. (albeit we know that Lavi still managed to stab himself first but u know what i mean). Somewhat it was more painful to be the cause of Allen’s downfall than Allen hating him. And this close from thinking Allen died? No wonder it hurt this much.

For Road to pinpoint it… honestly i could have easily said “it’s Road’s own feelings shinning through as well” since she does have a soft spot for Allen (and did hide in Allen) if it wasn’t for the Card and how it was presented beforehand.

… and i’m just realizing, Road hid in Allen probably expecting that Lavi would not be able to actually stab Allen without good reasons. And hell, Lavi didn’t do it until Allen called for him on the other side, what i called Caring Calls earlier (recent chapters say that “just like Akuma the loved ones’s call can be strong enough to bring back your soul from where it wanders”, imo it didn’t man that “Allen is completely like an Akuma” (more layered than that) but directly said that Johnny’s love was enough to get through Allen right? Then there’s no reason not to assume that “Lavi can you hear my voice?” didn’t manage to get through Lavi still. And it would be extremely ironic that the two who had loved ones become Akuma would manage to use the very power used to make Akuma, ie the caring calls, to fight back the Noah, using how they weaponized emotions against them by weaponizing it back. Especially the two who fake their emotions the most.). I think Allen’s voice managed to ground Lavi’s back in reality enough to be able to stab Road and see clarity in her mind game. But the only facts she pulled it that way says a lot about the assumptions she took away from it, and even more so when she was mostly right until Lavi gained clarity of mind.

Lol it’s actually a good thing Lavi’s not around to hear Allen’s backstory. Kanda’s a good first time listener for Allen because I doubt he’ll overreact in a way to make Allen regret it. If Lavi ever learned about how mistreated and abused Allen was I don’t think he could contain his anger (you’d almost pity Cosimo if he’s still around and Lavi ran into him knowing him as Allen’s past abuser).

Honestly mood. I think Kanda would at least.. work better to catalyze what’s happening. From his own tragic past to how much he knows he can rely on Allen on that matter, I think he’s more likely to have a balanced enough reaction that we can get Allen to tell his full story without being interrupted. I think everyone else would get too emotional to let him finish ahah. But that’s to wonder how much Lavi would react to past hurt… Again, or does he only care when they nearly died. I don’t know if Lavi would get very stormy-pissed off but if Cosimo was still alive and Lavi met him knewing what happened I’d see him pulling Chaotic “pranks” at him in a very bad way? like. Restless. And Mean. But who knows really… tbh now that I think about it considering how he behaved to Lveille.. I think he would only become coldly cruel if Cosimo appeared in front of Allen and Allen showed discomfort. There, all hell would break loose.

But yeah I could go on about Lavi. He’s a complex guy.

considering this is the length of this answer thus far, I think we found each other nonny and you dug right into my heart. Needs two to cry over one fake heartless boy.

Sometimes I wonder if Lavi even believed Bookman when he said Allen was alive? We know Lenalee eventually did when she stated her belief during the Eshi fight. Lavi however was so furious when he wanted to fight Tyki that he didn’t calm down until Tyki said Allen was alive. Lavi acted shocked to hear that and still seemed surprised when Allen actually showed up. Compare his reaction to Lenalee who was angry at Tyki but not that revenge driven because she believed in her heart already Allen was-

2 alive and would rejoin them. She chose to have a lot of faith in order to keep her going (that says a lot about her strength of character, personal opinion) while Lavi stayed focused on his loss of Allen. It’s interesting how Lavi’s relationship with death itself plays so much into how he functions even inside his own mind. It might be why Lavi shows a fear that Allen will die because he’s too good to last in the world (the whole like the light scene). Darkness is permanent. Light isn’t.

First “Darkness is permanent. Light isn’t” is a freaking raw line, and it fits Lavi’s mindset so much, especially how much he had lost faith in humanity and the moment Allen lightened up (as you say, “you are light, i’m afraid you will disappear in the light”(paraphrazing bc i dont’ have the word for word englih vers and the french vers is more confusing). also this is so interesting that for Lavi there is darkness but for the Light, it’s the fear the Light might take Allen away. esp since he specifically mentions how “the crowned Clown”, that masked innocence is the one taking him away. The Light that is taking Allen away is the Innocence. And he compares the Masked innocence to Allen right after Allen try to smile to lift up people’s spirit: another smile Lavi sees right through as a fake smile, fearing Allen is losing himself in his own light, behind his mask: that while it’s a mask, it remains a light that can disappear. Lavi sees the destruction possibility from Light as well, had lost Allen to the darkness (and we, the audience, saw Allen being dragged away in Nea’s darkness at this point when he almost died) only now to be swallowed whole by the Light. Poetry.)

Also I completely agree on the Lenalee’s reading. I also really believe Anita’s sentence matters there, the one she tells Lenalee (and that is supperposed on Lavi) of believing Cross is alive “because it’s the only thing that’s giving me strength”. The dialogue seems to be echoing Lenalee and Lavi’s need to hold on to the thought of Allen being alive to give them strength.

The Asian Branch was the one to tell them Allen was alive but unable to use his innocence though so, as far as we know, Lavi had nor eason to really doubt Allen was alive. But I do think he was distressed by the amount of emotions it provocked him. Bookman beat him up for caring too much after he got cruel with Lenalee’s grief. Tbh I think Lavi was externalizing his own frustration on her, almost talking to himself. “Get yourself together, people die in wars, you should be expecting it”- all those horrible things he tells Lenalee while she’s crying for Allen, after Lavi ends up breaking a glass out of frustration- the fact Bookman then tells him that he shouldn’t be caring so much makes me think he was talking to himself but didn’t want to admit it. He felt the same distress as Lenalee but where Lenalee knew to externalize her feelings, to acknowledge them, Lavi was distressed to even have them, and instead of facing them, he took it against her. Perhaps there was something “unfair” that she could feel grief while “he couldn’t,” and by shutting her grief down, he would do himself the service to shut his grief down. Obviously a dick move. But also a personal one.

I really do think it’s a lot about Lavi not wanting to process the grief. Being unable to process it, and rejecting it completely. He didn’t go to the multiple stages of griefs, he didn’t have to be in denial, he didn’t have to barging: He went straight to anger and didn’t know how to get out of it. Allen being alive meant he didn’t have to go through all those steps but as a result he instead got overprotective. I think there’s this though too is that when Lenalee almost died, Lavi jumped to Denial first and expressed it with Anger. Lavi didn’t let the possibility of Lenalee being dead sink in, even if he was terrorized by it.But for Allen, Timcanpy showed them as much shootage as he could, and for the trip from the Ace of Spade to the Boat, Lavi and Lenalee had no reason to even hold on hope. I believe too that the fact Lavi managed to hold on Hope for Lenalee was both that 1) Allen’s case showed the Denial was a possibility, 2) that he still hadn’t recovered from the recent grief that he wasn’t ready to go through anothr one.

Likewise it’s not just Allen’s life that almost got lost: it was his innocence. And Lavi knows how important Allen’s duty is for him. We as the audience get to hear Allen says that he’d rather be dead than not being able to fight in the war, to save poeple. Lavi knows Allen cares about saving humanity and akuma, and for that , he needs the innocence. And he knows Allen gives himself up selflessly entierely for that. If Timcanpy’s recording showed everything, they also saw that Allen died because he tried to bring salvation to Suman, even when Suman was considered a traitor to the Order. And Unlike Lenalee, Allen didn’t know Suman personally. Allen just did it out of his own heart, of what he wanted to save.

The loss of Allen was a loss of what was good in humanity. Of this Light that was going to fade away. And the fact is that up until Allen arrives, no one knew his Innocence would still work. Tyki took away Allen’s life purpose. Tyki took away what Allen used to save people, selflessly. Tyki took away Allen’s light, the salvation that Allen was offering others, what Allen cared above anything else.

That adding to how little he processed the grief and how cruel Tyki had been, Lavi’s outbrust is more than justified for me. And even better for me to believe he knew Allen was alive but thought about how much he had lost. Because suddenly not even Allen being alive, not even how much he had to remind himself he had no heart: Lavi couldnt help let his fury take him over seeing Tyki. No amount of reasoning with himself, no possibility to blame anyone else but the person in front of him. And that’s RAW.

(also if we go Lavi = Heart theory (which we all know i’m a sucker for) it’s also amazing that both Allen and Lenalee’s innocences evolved. First, both innocence shielded them from Death, Allen’s innocence litterally repairing his devoured heart. (his!! heart!!) : bth while Lavi was freaking out about their death and couldn’t let it sink in. Lenalee’s innocence then remained non-offensive the entiere time (finally answering her wishes to not be a weapon in the war after she almost died in it), the only time she begs for her innocence back is when Lavi is not conscious to hear her, and the innocence accepts her again after she begs for it in the infirmary in front of Lavi (with a lot of Focus on Lavi i might add). For Allen, his innocence evolved when Tyki sent the Akuma to kill him when he saw Lavi’s distress. Lavi’s emotions were all over the place and suddenly he had reasons to fear for Allen’s life again and that’s when the innocence shielded Allen with light. Also note that during that fight against Tyki Lenalee’s innocence shield her in a crystal again when Lavi lose sight of her and panics. Also fair to notice that Allen’s innocence evolved into an innocence “harmless for humans” right when Lavi’s mind was being broken and a fight between the two of them was unavoidable. Allen’s innocence evolved in a way that could protect Lavi right before Lavi needed it. But again it’s Heart theory stuff and y’all know what a sucker i am for it).

ALTHOUGH I do believe that even if Lavi believed Allen was alive, it was a harder belief to hold on to. That he believed in it “only to give himself strength” and seeing Tyki had his strength waver. While Lenalee held on it tightly, put all her faith in it (ironical for a character characterized by her lack of faith in her innocence, yet her full faith into people, her need to have faith that they will be okay (i do think she mentions something like that about Komui too, of having to hold on faith it will be alright.): an interesting tidbits about Lenalee imo), Lavi tried so hard to rationalize all of that that he might have “believed” in the background without holding this thought too hard because doing so would be caring too much, would be reopening thewounds that hadn’t healed and refused to. No need to believe if you don’t acknowledge it right? You can interpret the shape of a cloud any way you want, there is no shape to believe in if you keep your eyes closed. Until you’re forced to snap your eyes back opened and face it ithout being able to have the time to rationalize it.

Does that make sense? I hope it does.

But yes, I agree, I do think that coming this close from almost losing him had Lavi scared to process the grief again. And scared to lose him to the light like they lost him to the darkness, one extreme to the other.

DGM: Crud. All this Lavi talk and his feelings over loss makes me realize he hasn’t seen or experienced Allen’s Noah awakening at all. What if Lavi’s going to be a observer and he’s helpless watching Allen deteriorate in front of him. How’s he going to talk to Neah? How’s he going to feel about Kanda carrying the burden of killing Allen before Neah takes over for good? Apocryphos chasing after Allen to merge w/him and hurting their friends along the way? There’s a lot of bad waiting for Lavi!

I almost answered this one on its own but i think it ties in perfectly: Isn’t Allen’s current storyline of being torn between the darkness (Noah/Nea) and the Light (Innocence/Apocryphos)? This would be Lavi’s fear come to realization again to see it. To see Allen being swallowed by either, to see him struggle against either side.

Lavi did hear of at least the whole thing Cross told Allen about Nea/Mana and Allen’s determination of “I am not the 14th, I am Allen, and screw him, i will fight for myself”. Lavi was the only witness of this convo with Cross and the Crows. (which also makes me realize how much Lavi DOES know about Allen at this point bc that was a very particularly vulnerable moment in which Allen completely broke down in front of Cross. His mask fell down by facing his past.)

so if anything, Lavi knows Allen will fight no matter what, he knows of Allen’s determination: But he hadn’t seen how much it had been tested so far. Currently Allen is being tested to some extreme with how much both sides are tearing on him. A lot of set up Lavi is aware about and worried about, but hadn’t been able to experience yet. And with Lavi’s current bad experience with the Noah (with Fiidora drawing his heart broken i’m going to sUE-) I doubt those feelings would be easy to sort out.

It’s funny how Lavi is forced to be neutral by watching both sides and yet being emotionally involved in the exorcists and physically involved with the Noah, while Allen is forced being Neutral by being rejected from where he wants to be and dragged where he doesn’t want to. I wonder how much facing that would feel like.

OKAY THAT’S ALL FOR THE LAVI’S ASKS I THINK. I think we might have overlooked a few things but that’s a Lot to dig in and… lavi makes me weak.

Also pour one fam’ that’s litterally a fic update at this point.

I just hope it sort of makes sense wow.

TAKE CARE AND THANKS FOR THE LAVI FEELS OF THE DAY!

(Jumping on the next one in a minute, it will probably be shorter. hopefully)ligdorm

#ichafantalks dgm #wassup this answer is litterally 6k words long #pour a drink for the lavi lovers out there this post is for u #ichameta dgm #anonymous #ichareply #long post for ts #readmoreundercut #dgm meta

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erizee · 7 years ago

Text

I got tagged by @snowie130 (aand I’m late)

Last:

1. drink: pepsi

2. phone call: either my friend or my driver’s teacher, not sure

3. text message: my mom telling me dad is picking me up instead of her

4. song you listened to: YMCA

5. time you cried: last sunday after the sport made me angry and i felt bad about it

Ever:

6. dated someone twice: lol I never dated anyone ever

7. kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone at all

8. been cheated on: nope

9. lost someone special: yep

10. been depressed: not sure if u mean actual depression or just feeling terrible, but i spent last saturday and sunday mostly crying so

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope and I hope it won’t happen

Fave colours:

12. blue

13. light brown

14. purple

In the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yessss (friend-wise it was the best year of my life)

16. fallen out of love: the opposite probably

17. laughed until you cried: I’m not sure but probably yes

18. found out someone was talking about you: I’m paranoid enough about that already ok I don’t want to know

19. met someone who changed you: doesn’t everyone change u a little? idk bro

20. found out who your friends are: what

21. kissed someone on your facebook friend list: no kisses, no facebook

General:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: I don’t have facebook anymore so none i guess?

23. do you have any pets: i used to but they died 2-3 years ago

24. do you want to change your name: nah I got used to it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: saw lego batman with my friends in the cinema and ate pizza and got a lil drunk

26. what time did you wake up today: 6:00 am

27. what where you doing at midnight last night: I wish I could say I wasn’t on tumblr

28. what is something you can’t wait for: being done with school, moving out, starting university, not being single, my ships being canon (esp nygmob)

30. what are you listening to right now: nothing but my playlists are mostly musicals or 80′s pop music right now

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: back when i was still religious there was a guy called tom at bible camp that led one of the groups and i was terrified of him

32. something thats getting on your nerves: the people in my school, maths, my maths teacher (sorry that was my last lesson today so I’m still annoyed)

33. most visited website: tumblr, ao3, youtube and netflix

34. hair colour: orignially middle brown, dyed it to dark brown

35. long or short hair: it goes down to my shoulders but I kinda want to make it shorter

36. do you have a crush on someone: i hate it but yes and i want to die

37. what do you like about yourself: my grades? idk I’m a really fast learner so that’s nice

38. want any piercings? nah but I think I might want to get a tattoo sometime

39. blood type: bru i have no idea

40. nicknames: connibal (cuz i bit someone that one time) and connickel (my name + bunny in german)

41. relationship status: single (pls kill me)

42. zodiac: aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: gotham and hannibal are The Best, atla is eternal fave and brooklynn 99 + the good place + one day at a time are comfort shows (also sense8 is a+++)

45. tattoos: nope

46. right or left handed: left! :D

47. ever had surgery: wisdom teeth

48. piercings: unless the closed holes in my ears count no

49. sport: handball since I was like 5 years old and ice skating is rly cool (literally)

50. vacation: every summer me and my family visit a different place (+ visiting my grandma in eastern germany in autumn or spring)

51. trainers: … what

More General:

52. eating: everything salty or spicy is automatically fave

53. drinking: hot chocolate and pepsi are everything i drink (+ sometimes coffee)

54. i’m about to watch: nothing because I need to sleep soon and I’m running out of things to watch (help me)

55. waiting for: my next exams and gotham

56. want: to move out and have my own place with my own stuff in it

57. get married: yes pls

58. career: i’ll study history so i’ll do whatever I can do with that

Which is better:

59. hugs or kisses: I mean it’s not like I have much experience but hugs are nice

60. lips or eyes: eyes

61. shorter or taller: i don’t really care honestly

62. older or younger: as long as it doesn’t get creepy I don’t care here either

63. nice arms or stomach: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

64. hookup or relationship: relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: a mix of both tbh

Have you ever:

66. kissed a stranger: nope

67. drank hard liquor: probably yes (baileys and cocktails and red wine are fave)

68. lost glasses: i don’t need glasses

69. turned someone down: if yes I don’t remember

70. sx on first date: hahahahaahahaha no

71. broken someone’s heart: I don’t think so??

72. had your heart broken: does finding out your crush isn’t single count

73. been arrested: nope

74. cried when someone died: yep

75. fallen for a friend: yea but I was at least 5 years younger than now and that’s basically a baby

Do you believe in:

76. yourself: I try but it doesn’t always work

77. miracles: nah not really

78. love at first sight: idk bro

79. santa clause: not since my childhood friend told me he’s not real when i was like 6

80. kiss on a first date: if u want to, do it? bru idk

81. angels: nope, I’m as religious as a lamp

Other:

82. best friend’s name: I can't if my friend is a best friend so (howw)

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: probably megamind wtf

85. fave actor: dgbjdnhekhbn bru i have no goddamn idea, it’s generally my favourite character of the thing I currently watch so everyone in gotham, hannibal, marvel and hamilton

tagging is hard but eh

I tag: @ravenwald @amt149 @kaykaymcdoogle @catcricket @roguepythia @wittygaypuns @idkjustbreath @coffeemaenad @god-hes-such-a-loser @enigmatickal (if you want to)

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bakukirikami · 8 years ago

Note

I'd like to request all the angsty headcanons please

GOD ok this ask is over a week old but im finally ready 2 deliver

under the cut bc this is literally 2k of bakukirikami angst hc’s

bakugou

not rlly super angsty but he’s rlly touch sensitive

mainly bc of the sludge villain which. makes sense

the first time kiri and kami swings an arm over his shoulder he flinches To The Max and they’re shocked bc angry baku just jumped away from them

though it’s good for the beginning of their relationship bc it helps them realise and understand it

they both ask him first if they can hug him and tbh for the first few seconds baku doesn’t know what to do

eventually he hugs them back and Gosh it’s such a good feeling

he feels a little calmer and he just relaxes and shit he feels gr88

he doesn’t even mind if he tells anyone else abt hugging them bc he’s just so glad that he feels safe being held by someone

tbh it’s not easy to overcome something like that? esp for baku, he’s so used to having control that the sludge villain really hit him hard.

the first time they share a bed together baku’s in the middle although he’s the tallest.

he’s been so long without proper touch and kiri and kami really just wanna make him feel loved

at first it’s Too Much Touch and he feels really trapped but his bf’s really did some research abt touch sensitivity and they figured out how to calm him down

he sleeps really well when he’s in the middle bc he knows that he’s literally surrounded by love

he’s the last of the three to wake up in the morning and when he does he can just hear kiri and kami whispering about how much they love him so he buries his head in his pillow and kicks them both so they don’t see him smiling and blushing

eventually after a REALLY LONG TIME he does end up trusting 1a so he doesn’t really mind if they know about his touch sensitivity

there’s nothing wrong with it ofc he’s not any less of a hero it’s just another part of him

but if anyone from another class/in general mocks him about his flinching he will try to explode him and it takes kiri and kami 43 tries to get him to calm down

he finds it really irritating ofc bc he wasn’t always touch sensitive! fuckin sludge villain

when he goes home to visit his family he brings kiri and kami home to meet them

mitsuki hasn’t seen baku in ages so her first instinct is to hug him which is p normal for a mom imo

he flinches for a second and then he realises this is my mom she literally has baby soft skin she can’t hurt me before he relaxes

she still notices his flinching bc she’s his fuckin mom so she asks kiri about it later bc he seems like a good lad

kami overhears and helps explain

later when they’re trying to go to sleep they tell baku and he just shrugs bc he doesn’t mind. he’s getting used to it now

sidenote bakugou’s family fucking love kiri and kami

when he finds out ragdoll lost her quirk he gets a few nightmares about losing his own quirk

makes sense tbh bc the majority of his confidence and arrogance stemmed from his Super Awesome Quirk

usually ends up with him waking up really sweaty and holes in his blankets from uncontrolled explosions during his sleep

he goes to the bathroom to cool off and he stares at his reflection a lot and constantly reminds himself that he’s not going to lose his quirk he’s not he’s not he’s not

what happened to ragdoll isn’t going to happen to him he’s okay

when/if kiri and kami find out they’re shocked again bc they’re not used to insecure bakugou

however they do reassure him a lot that he’s not going to lose his quirk

they remind him a lot that nightmares don’t make you weak at all

he doesn’t usually say anything but if he does it’s usually just “yeah, yeah, yeah, i know.”

“thanks dumbasses”

his dreams usually rotate between hero dreams and fluffy dreams abt his bf’s so the first time he has a nightmare he’s super pissed off bc! He’s strong he shouldn’t be getting nightmares

kami and kiri are Best Bfs they buy baku all might merch when he’s feeling Bad

kirishima

right so listen up kiri’s rlly insecure about his quirk in general so like after baku got kidnapped he really beat himself up about it like A LOT A LOT

his updated hero costume has sleeves from a few of the scars he gave himself during that time

bc of his quirk he rlly doesn’t need armour or anything so everything when they tell him he can upgrade he goes

“fuck i need to hide these scars”, thus, sleeves

during the hero license exam arc kami’s confused bc why the fuck would kirishima, whos ((pretty much)) made of steel need s l e E V E S

kami doesn’t question it tho bc who the fuck is he to judge. kami’s costume is literally just a cool jacket and pants w/ lightning bolts

baku (and everyone else) doesn’t really notice bc theyre used to kiri’s Extra As Fuck costume

anyway eventually bakugou and kaminari are going to end up seeing his scars, whether on purpose or not

when kiri explains baku’s first reaction is just anger bc not only does he think he’s the reason for all might’s end, but he’s thinks that it’s his fault kiri hurt himself

its no one’s fault of but neither of them know what to say but they just both hold kiri really tightly and at that moment, that’s all he needs

DOESN’T LIKE TALKING ABT HIS FEELINGS BC HE DOESN’T WANT TO BURDEN HIS PALS

sunshine kid needs to stop bottling things up blease kiri

spends half of his time in class overthinking about things

he wants to make everyone happy and please everyone but kiri u can’t do that you gotta make yourself happy first

after he, baku and kami get together he talks a lot abt his insecurities and he feels so liberated honestly its a good feel u go kiri 👏👏

they’ll be in bakugou’s room watching a movie and as soon as the credits start rollin he exhales and sits up straight and just Starts Talking

bakugou and kami don’t interrupt them, they just let him talk and as soon as he’s done kami cuddles him and drowns him in blankets

baku does His Thing but kiri still knows he cares so he smiles really fondly at baku which makes him blush bc kiri has the nicest smile!

eventually kami will make bakugou cuddle w/ them

they all sleep a lot better that night.

(kiri’s in the middle)

used to get a lot of shit @ middle school during The Edgy Phase

filed his teeth in anger

vowed to be the nicest person he could be

he doesn’t like thinking about it a lot but he definitely thinks it made him a stronger and better person

got mocked a lot abt his quirk bc it wasn’t “flashy enough” ://

this is already canon but he cried when meeting tetsu for obvious reasons

STILL CANON but best bros w/ tetsu

he talks to tetsu abt their quirks a lot

tetsu is a Comfort Buddy

initially tetsu doesn’t rlly understand why kiri is upset about the lack of originality of his quirk, but once he does understand he’s very comforting

of the two, people say tetsu’s quirk is more unique because he’s transforming his body from flesh into steel, whereas kiri’s is flesh into harder flesh

(this is p much why tetsu initially has difficulty understanding)

tetsu reassures kiri a lot tho and in the end they always feel a lot better about their quirks

once or twice tetsu mentions it to kami and bakugou

out of the blue they’ll randomly compliment kiri and his quirk and he’s super happy

they never say anything to kiri about tetsu but kami and baku are really grateful that he told them

forever upset that he won’t meet crimson riot

kaminari

mmmMMMKAY maya has some angsty kami hc’s here in case u havent seen them yet but ITS MY TURN NOW

super pissed off bc of how he always gets called stupid and dumb!

yes he doesn’t have the best grades but can you stick a knife in a toaster without dying? no? didn’t think so

whenever anyone is a dick about his intelligence he gets really pissed and starts shooting tiny sparks out of his body

when he came to UA he did that a lot less tho

but he does it most often around jirou

(at UA its usually her being a dick)

once she pushed him a lot and he nearly did fry her

kiri had to calm him down and hold him back

when he was little and figuring out his quirk he accidentally fried his favourite book and he cried for ages

got yelled at by teachers as a kid by teachers for accidentally short circuiting the building

bc of this he doesn’t like loud shouting a lot

he Will Flinch

especially when he goes to UA and when all might teaches

nothing wrong w/ all might ofc but his voice is really loud i’d flinch too

like he knows all might’s not going to hurt him but fuck it sounds like he is

after a while all might is the only loud adult voice he can deal with

he doesn’t really want the teachers to know bc its sorta a sensitive topic

when/if kiri and bakugou find out they won’t force him to tell anyone, they’ll just help him cope with it and comfort him

scars on his limbs from not knowing how to use his quirk as a kiddo

constantly terrified of losing control over his quirk and hurting ppl he cares about

idk i think that’s already canon but it’s important bc !! he actually likes the people at UA and he doesn’t want to hurt him

craves affection and attention all the time

he doesn’t need to be the center of attention at all, he just wants to be noticed and would rather not blend it

it’s not like he would go out of his way to stand out though, he just wants to be liked for who he is

it helps him a lot w/ his self confidence since he’s so used to him and his quirk being shoved aside (a result of the backlash of overusing his quirk)

will cover up his pain or hurt with a joke because he like other people seeing him helpless

always stressed on how to be a better hero

runs his hands through his hair a lot

on bad days he’ll pull at his hair

bakugou and kirishima can tell whenever he’s feeling more upset because they’ll notice random strands of his hair floating around

a short attention span

it contributes to his “bad grades” and he hates himself for it

literally when he figured out just how short it was he electrocuted a couple trees because he was so pissed off

his parents gave him a really old record player for his dorm at UA but it broke when kiri and bakugou were having an arm wrestle in his room

dunno why they arm wrestling in his room BUT THEY WERE

he’s upset for ages bc that’s what reminded him of home

tries every possible way to fix it

he’s not even upset with kiri or bakugou he’s just. Empty

kiri and even bakugou apologise a lot and they actually feel awful for ages

at some point they buy him another one

ofc they know they can’t replace the other one but what else can you do

can’t go a day without someone insulting his hero costume

cries when he can’t buy a new video game and starts shooting sparks if someone else in 1a has it but he doesn’t

he gets really insecure about his body randomly, especially when he compares himself to bakugou and kirishima

but he wouldn’t mind being a little stronger but boi gets distracted all the time

but its obviously different bc ofc baku and kiri use their whole body to fight, but kami doesn’t need to do that

that being said, he doesn’t really want to be Super Buff either

#katsuki bakugou #kirishima eijirou #kaminari denki #bnha #mha #i listened to my emo romantic playlist on full blast the whole time writing this who the fuck am i #also this is all over the place im sorry !! hope u enjoyed tho #also i think touch sensitive baku is kinda popular but its one of my faves so #self harm mention /#headcanons #bkkb #mod maia #maka lucy #asks #angst #affection #cuddling #fluff #requests

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bitchfromtheseventhhell · 8 years ago

Note

AU where Nymeria didn't come soon enough and Joffrey maimed (murdered?) Arya. What would've happened? How do you think the story would proceed?

well this ask is sure a punch to the gut so thanks for that.

but after that initial punch, i had fun with this. my goal was to keep major strokes of the plot largely the same but to justify them with different characterizations that precipitate from this different scenario.

this is also long bc i had fun so i’m putting it under a cut

trident:

arya:

first thing’s first--i’m not killing arya. sorry will not will never.

so let’s assume some maiming of some sort. joffrey’s got live steel and is swinging it, so my guess is he’d hit either her arm or her abdomen.

if abdoment, i’m going to assume a not deep strike/miraculously misses internal organs swipe--but one that bleeds a lot and one also that takes a while to recover from.

if arm or leg, there’s going to be muscle damage depending on where he strikes. in any case--how that would affect her permanently i’m not sure.

ned:

look ned was super fucked up by arya’s disappeareance to begin with after she fled the scene, my guess is he’s going to be even more fucked up by the fact of her being physically attacked. can you imagine arya being brought back somehow covered in blood and the lyanna flashbacks he would have been having? (especially if, given that arya disappeared for several days in canon, he may have already have been having lyanna flashbacks). he’s really not going to be ok with any of this.

while he can’t call for anything bad to happen to joffrey, i wouldn’t be surprised, actually, if he told robert he wouldn’t be hand, and then had robert cajole him back into it; i think he would likely break sansa’s betrothal to joffrey as well, or at least say that he was considering breaking it pending joffrey’s further behavior. i think he’d want to believe that “children fight” but i don’t think he’d be willing to accept that “children fighting” = joffrey turning live steel on his daughter.

if they continue to king’s landing, my guess is that guilt would wrack him a whole heck of a lot. if they turn back north, it’d probably be the same. ned carries guilt really intensely. for the sake of this au, i think they continue on south.

sansa:

sansa’s whole drunken experience on the banks of the trident is already 12 times of overwhelm for her. agot sansa--and agot-sansa-i-sansa which oh hey here she is!--especially is someone who does everything she can to believe that things are good, right, fair, just, perfect, etc. so there are two options for her witnessing joffrey swing and hit her sister with a sword:

blame arya for it--if she hadn’t gotten in the way and had just come to the wheelhouse with sansa the way sansa had wanted everything would have been fine.

be immediately disillusioned by joffrey--seeing him for the cruel boy he is.

i lied there’s a third option which is some combination of the two but

i, personally, am leaning option 2 laced with option 3 but really more option 2 than anything else: why? because lady’s still alive coming out of all this since it was nymeria who attacked joffrey and if nymeria didn’t attack joffrey both wolves get to stick around. since so much of the lady’s death symbolism is connected with the way that sansa engages with the truth and reality (among other things) but if lady’s alive that is a literal game changer for like all of sansa’s characterization. i def think it’s gonna be a “dragged kicking and screaming” kind of thing for sansa (see: secret option 3 maybe transitioning towards option 2), but i think it’s a major shock to the system: her perfect prince almost killed her sister because she tried to get him not to beat someone up. like imagine nymeria snuggling and being all protective of sickbed arya the way that summer is of bran, and lady keeping them company because pack!!!!!! and suddenly you’re going to have a very different world experience for sansa within a game of thrones because her wolf is choosing her pack for her and is not being severed from her symbolically or literally. that’s a big deal.

let’s say that sansa’s betrothal is on hold. let’s also remember that both lady and nymeria are alive and still with the party at hand.

lannisters/baratheons of a lannister vibe:

my guess is that cersei’s furious with ned to begin with and believes whatever it is that joffrey tells her.

i think joffrey, knowing he’s in deep shit, lies, and does a lot of blaming of arya, saying his same story that she and mycah set upon him with clubs. i think he sticks to this story.

because of this it’s likely that mycah is killed still. which means that arya’s likely going to still blame herself for the whole situation; the difference is that i think that she’s more likely to get support from sansa out of this because lady’s alive and a lot of sansa’s lash-out was about lady’s death.

i bet nymeria’s not thrilled with joffrey, but stays close to arya (playing more defense) and i bet lady growls every time he lies and, as septa mordane points out, sansa’s “as willfull...as arya” when it comes to lady. and while i do think she may well play that “i don’t remember everything happened so fast” card when people ask her what happened, i think that 1) ned being livid and potentially freezing her betrothal to joffrey and 2) lady growling all the time will keep the situation real for her.

but i think that there’s still a lotttt of love lost between lannisters & starks heading into king’s landing. it’s got a different flavor to it.

king’s landing (and beyond):

ned:

i think, for the most part, ned’s political actions and moves are going to be similar. he’s going to have a lot more open hostility for lannisters earlier on, but is also going to need to play it cool. he’s also going to be tetchier with robert sooner (which may mean no hand’s tourney? since robert doesn’t want to alienate him and ned can really push down on that “your son attacked my daughter” thing.) i think he is likely going to follow littlefinger down the road to hell as he does in agot, and is likely going to rat himself out to cersei, and is going to get iced. i don’t think this will change in its grander arc though details of it will change. the nature of his need to comfort arya will be different because nymeria will be there and she’ll be recovering from injury. syrio might be more of an active “self defense for the daughter” and less a “welp my dad was a dick to lyanna so i guess i won’t be a dick to you and get you a teacher” move.

sansa:

i think things will be rocky with joffrey for always. i mean they’re rocky in sansa ii (when the hound walks her back and freaks her out; this might not happen in this au bc chances are lady’s enough of a guard for sansa, if the tourney happens which as i said maybe it doesn’t), but i think sansa’s wary of him because she has seen his violence and has had to live with the ramifications of it rather than being able to compartmentalize them away and blame arya for lady’s death. i think it takes a long time (as mentioned above) for her to wrap her head around this, but it’s a very intense “life is not a song” thing for her earlier than it happens in canon. my guess is that, rather than getting meaner to arya as time progresses as she does in agot, she’ll get easier with arya. if life’s not a song, then she’s not “a lady in a song” at least not the way she thought she was at the start of the series and--lbr here--i think the fact that lady and nymeria are both present is going to drastically change the way that they engage because even if arya and sansa argue--which they will. as i said this characterization is different but that doesn’t mean that what we started with goes out the window--the wolves are pack and i think that’s an odd point of clarity for both of them amidst the “wtf is going on” that is 1) king’s landing and 2) pre-pubescence on sansa’s part coupled with the privilege she has of being the elder sister and the conventionally beautiful one.

i think that “shit hits the fan” moment is going to be different for sansa’s character more than for what happens. i don’t think she nec goes and tells on ned when he says he’s sending the girls north; this doesn’t change anything. she and jeyne are held hostage; jeyne is sold to littlefinger; sansa has lady with her.

i hate saying this: i think lady isn’t going to survive king’s landing. there’s no fucking way she doesn’t attack anyone who tries to hurt sansa, even if she’s the most docile wolf, and i think the first time she tries it ends her life. this, like ned’s death, is going to be deeply traumatic for sansa, esp if wolf-dreams began happening for sansa.

to me, the timing and the nature of that death for lady is everything. lady being killed in defense of sansa, rather than as collateral damage for something she didn’t do changes both sansa’s relationship with her death (ie she’s gonna hate lannisters even more intensely than she already did, and it’s going to be unequivocal, rather than her periodically blaming arya for it) and the symbolic nature of it. it’s not ned giving lady a northern death, and changing drasitcally the nature of sansa’s connection with the north and with her stark identity--it’s reinforcing i think, given everything that’s going on. they killed her daddy, they killed her wolf (and lbr here preliminary wolf-dreams are likely here which means ugh with lady dying), joffrey attacked arya, this is bad news bears. i think she’s terrified of all this, but i think lady has a deeper influence (and she already has a deep one tbh) on sansa and rolling forward i think that just changes the nature of her growth.

this puts sansa’s situation--if not her characterization--back in line with canon.

arya:

first of all hi please imagine arya carrying needle with her always instead of keeping it hidden in her room because she’s scared but doesn’t want to be scared so she keeps needle with her because it reminds her of jon and if she has needle and nymeria she won’t be afraid.

because getting maimed with live steel will make her frightened but she’s determined not to be frightened but, being 9, she is frightened.

she throws herself into her syrio lessons. i think that--given nymeria’s proximity--it’s possible that those’ll help kick off her wolf-dreams even sooner than canon because a lot of his teachings involve focus and mindfulness which is a lot of what jojen’s trying to get bran to do when he’s controlling summer; also given the sheer power of arya’s warg/skinchanging capacity hell yeah nymeria’s presence is gonna kick that off sooner.

the challenge we hit with arya is going to be the same challenge we hit with lady: nymeria’s presence is gonna be tricky to navigate when shit hits the fan. part of how arya is able to escape king’s landing is that she is able to hide and be a streetrat for a few days; that’s gonna be tricky when she’s got a direwolf. the main solutions to that i’m coming up with are:

she does the rock throwing thing now rather than at the trident. i think this is unlikely but it’s possible.

she has better control over her wolf than she expects and is able to get nymeria out of the city somehow. this also feels unlikely, more for the “while i think arya may have some control over nymeria, i don’t think it’s this much control” sort of way.

the most likely is: that you have the goldcloaks finding the wolf, nymeria beasting the shit out of them because i have a sense that they’re freaked out by her and also she’s the literal head bitch in charge of this series, and escaping the city on her own. i don’t think she goes far--the kingswood maybe at least initially?--but that leaves arya on her own so she can conveniently get picked up by yoren after ned’s beheading and then get boosted from the city.

what i think this means is that nymeria’s never toooooo far from arya. i think that she’s wary of those around arya, but arya’s dreams have her “safe” and so maybe as arya’s making her way north, nymeria is doing the same. i don’t think that nymeria is able to go and be at arya’s side again, but i think that--like in canon where she’s kinda helping arya out--she’s never toooo far, and does start her whole pack-building project.

tbh i think in asos they’d reunite??? which would change up arya’s going to braavos bc i don’t think she would if she had nymeria i bet she’d brave the wild and try to walk north to jon.

ok i’m tired and vaguely pleased with this upon a reread so i hope this all makes sense!

#anonymous #arya #sansa #ned #stark #au #Anonymous

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byul-bit-arae · 8 years ago

Text

idk just moonbin ish

So high school

Where cliché af stuff happen

Exactly what’s happening here

So you see there is this girl

Hajin is the name

She’s a little nerd

Well not really she’s just this quiet girl who blends to the background

And is like 24/7 spacing out

Also there is soap

No don’t shoot really there is binu

Like Eunwoo and Moonbin

Get it get it binu is soap in Korean *wiggles eyebrows* ba dum tss

So they are best friends and tbh no one knows how and why and since when

Bc Eunwoo is this little cute muffin

Okay he’s not that little but you get me

Anyway he’s an angel

Aka all girls’ dream manga guy

Manjjitnam much

Meanwhile moonbin is this dude with the icy cold aura

And looks like he’s about to kick some ass like 24/7

So you better make way you see

That doesn’t cancel the fact that he’s hot af tho

But well everyone is scared of him to prolly notice

And no one knows how come his best friend is Eun

Our little girl over here has a tiny crush on Eunwoo

Bc who doesn’t what the fuCK

but really all the girls are all over him so she just sits down and admires him from afar bc no chance

Valentine’s Day

Hajin thinks it won’t hurt to address her crush

Like everyone does that on Valentine’s wtf

And it doesn’t rlly matter bc like half of the school would do the same too so

On that day she brings her box and goes to school

Nervous af wtf chill jin you ain’t proposing it’s just a fucking gift box

she’s walking inside the school building and like she’s about to take a turn when she hears this girl confessing

She peaks and holy Gruyere

She’s confessing to freaking moonbin

Give this girl a medal or idk just wow

She gave him a box with chocolate apparently

Like that’s what ppl gift in this day rite

Idk bc I never did haaaaa lonely author someone love me pls

Hajin’s heart is prolly pounding quicker than the girl’s

Moonbin finally opens the box uninterestedly and laughs ironically

He looks annoyed

Not like he isn’t 24/7 like that BUT OH WELL COUGH

He suddenly throws it away and Hajin covers her mouth bc she almost yelped

And if he hears her that would suck

“chocolate is the thing I hate the most” he growls at the girl with his typical creepy voice

I mean it’s not like especially high or low it’s just normal but it sounds frightening coming out of his mouth

His sexy mouth

Okay drag this author out of here pls

Anyways

“and you said you liked me, heh, pathetic you” he says and leaves the poor girl heartbroken af

Hajin feels like she just saw a horror movie in front of her own eyes

She still wonders if the girl is actually still alive and sane

Anyways she tries to chill and forget about what happened

Also thanks god bc she’s confessing to an angel

So it’s like lunch time or idk and she searches for him

While trying to blend into the background

She can’t find him anywhere wtf

So she asks this girl

The girl looks all pissed and looks down at the box in Hajin’s hands but tells her he’s in the rooftop anyway

She prolly just got rejected

But well

Hajin goes to the rooftop

Nervous as shit

He’s there

Holy fuck he is

Just laying there with a blazer over his head

Bc sun you see and he was prolly napping

She approaches him and is about to take his blazer off

Bc rude

When he suddenly grabs her hand

So tight

That she feels her veins bursting

And she’s fucking sure it’s not Eun anymore

He takes off the jacket off him and holy shit

Holy fucking shit

It’s Moon to the Bin

BA DA DA DA DUMMMM

She just interrupted his nap

And she’s dead meat

“Who are you” he says in a sleepy voice

But it still sounds scary af

She stutters and doesn’t know what to say

Bc fuck those will prolly be her last words

“what are you doing here” he sits up and says

Still clenching her wrist stronger and stronger and she flinches bc ouch

He finally lets go

And she apologizes and fucking runs for her life

Then prolly hide in the bathroom forever

But then slaps herself

Bc Oh shit did she just forget her box with Moonbin

Meanwhile Moonbin back in the rooftop scowling at whoever just ruined his nap

He glances and notices the opened pink box on the floor

It had no not chocolate but bento

And god did he love that shit

He just loved food in general

Esp rice

Anyways

He also finds this very awkward short letter

And Hajin being a genius didn’t write anything that shows it was for Eunwoo

So Bin thinks she actually was going to confess to him

But she ran away bc too shy

…. Oooorrr bc he freaked her out

But he remembered her flustered face

And thought she was cute

Not mentioning that she actually knew his fave food

So he thought she really likes him bc of that

Either ways he needed to find her and talk to her so he picks up the box and leaves the rooftop

Hajin goes to her classroom bc it’s almost class time

Bc if it wasn’t she’d be more than glad to stay in the bathroom really

And Moonbin be searching everywhere for her including classes until he finds hers

And she’s there sitting in her place like a terrified ball then notices her noisy classmates went quiet

She looks up and fuck bc is he actually standing at the door of her classroom skimming through the faces of the people inside

And fuck again bc is the box actually in his hands

He finally finds her and marches towards her

And she’s all fuck fuck fuck fuCK I’m deAD

“Come out for a sec” he says as he reaches her table with his usual expressionless face and gets out

And the whole class is whispering

Like the whole hall too

She has no other choice than to go with him

Bc if she won’t she may die

I mean she’d die if she follows him too but

You get me

Anyways she follows him

Keeping a safety distance ofc

Just in case he turns around and CHICHATAH her face

He takes her to this less used staircase of the building

And now she’s sure he’s stabbing her twenty five times and leaving her to rot there

He stops and turns around and she stumbles before stopping bc she was in deep thoughts of her last words

He opens his mouth and she gulps

Here goes nothing

“about what happened earlier..” he starts

“I-I’m so sorry about that I shouldn’t have bothered you!!” she blurts bc really dying at the age of 18 sucks you know

“well I can let that pass” he answers and she feels like the heavens blessed her soul

“but the thing is,” he rubs his neck and she’s like tf is wrong with him tf is happening this isn’t how it works this isn’t how any of this works

“I don’t really mind going out with you” he says

“huh?” she says, flabbergasted

“but that doesn’t mean you can wake me up from my naps now” Moonbin adds quickly after

He’s secretly embarrassed af

Like he never dated before and never had a similar scenario

But this author is cruel so yehet

“see you later” is all what he says before leaving

Bc awkward af he doesn’t know what to say

And he suddenly finds her cute now like fuck

Why didn’t he ever notice that before

Meanwhile Hajin still can’t process what happened

She basically confessed to the wrong person by accident and that person happened to be the School’s most feared dude who is also magically Eunwoo’s friend

Awesome scenario I wonder which amazing author wrote that

Tomorrow comes

Bc idk what to write more on this day orz bear with me

She be peacefully walking through the gates of school

When a wild Bin appears walking backwards in front of her

“it’s not an attitude to ignore your boyfriend” he says and her heart jumps at the word boyfriend

Bc she never had one

And now she does

And it’s Moonbin

Anyways

So from that day on he waits for her by the gates

By her classroom at lunch time

And they have lunch at the rooftop

And like she starts bringing bento

And Moonbin is more than freaking happy

But they still awkward af

Like she’s still scared of him a bit

Even tho she’s his gf now

*author slightly chuckling at the pathetic girl*

Esp after this one time they ‘went out’

Lol in fact it was Eunwoo’s idea

Bc Bin be begging him to give him advice bc he doesn’t know shit

And Eun be like take her out for a walk or something and take the opportunity to hold her hand

Bc it’s still cold these days

And it’d be cute to warm her hands

High five Eun for having a good sense

Anyways they be walking and he casually holds her hand like “you cold?”

And Hajin doesn’t know why the hell is she blushing

Maybe bc she never thought he could be sweet or anything like that

it’s all still awkward until some dude kinda hits on her

Like cat call for idk

And bin gets upset and kiNDA beat the crap out of him

And that’s when things get real awkward

Like he tries to hold her hand again to resume walking and she flinches

Then prolly tells him she got a call from home and that she should be going

But no she didn’t she just wanted to escape

Kim hAjin yoU liAR

From that day she becomes more quiet around him

Not like she isn’t usually quiet but she used to at least reply to him when he talks

And one day they be in the rooftop and he confronts her

Like he’d be eating then pauses

“Hajin-ah” he calls and she gulps but replies anyways

With a usual “hmm?”

“are you… Scared of me?” he reluctantly asks and she stays quiet

And bruh it’s so obvious she is

And like he feels horrible or idk

Then he grabs her shoulders and looks straight into her eyes

And she feels like fainting

“don’t be afraid of me… Please” he says softly and she’s so taken aback bc wow he can actually be soft

Like she can see in his eyes that he’s sincere

And that after all he isn’t a bad person

And really she should just open up her heart to him and stop being a fucking ass

Like true he’s got a short temper

But not like he’s gonna kill his gf

He’s actually nice

And she’d really fall for the real him

So here goes the cheesy stuff

The two start being more open comfortable with each other

And wow Bin is sO CUTE HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE

Like he sometimes does aegyo to her

When they are alone ofc

Or like shower her with compliments bc the food she made is yummy

And boy does he love food

Or when he lets her play with his hair while he naps on her lap hOW CUTE

Like he’s basically a gigantic fluff ball

And ofc he takes her to meet the boys

Like she only knew Eunwoo and was like wow where did y'all come from

They are all nice and kind wtf

Like myungjun is the hyper dude he always tries to lighten up the mood but no one actually laughs at his jokes except for her

Jin and Eun are the kind wise older brothers

Minhyuk and Sanha ofc are the troublemakers

Insert Bin getting jealous when she calls Minhyuk and Sanha cute

And him exploding in aegyo and not shutting up till she says he’s the cutest and he gives her his cat smile

Too much cuteness I’m choking

What a happy cringe worthy couple

Let’s end this here bc idk what else to write lol

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ravioli-cats · 8 years ago

Text

okay I just need to vent.

okay so I'm on an alternative spring break trip and it's really fun and good for the most part. I really love that I'm around people so much and that I get a lot of attention and that my time is filled like I'm always busy pretty much. But there are some things I'm feeling that I don't like so much. 1) there's one site we are volunteering at that (even tho they are an LGBT organization), I feel pretty uncomfortable at because they keep saying transphobic stuff and my interactions with the people that work at the organization just don't feel comfortable at all. 2) I love being able to be funny and goofy and myself but after the fact like when I lay in bed at night and think about it I feel so self conscious and like everyone on the trip actually hates me and thinks I'm annoying and complaining too much and it makes me want to just withdraw and not say anything but if I did that I would feel like shit so I just don't know what to do or how to act. I really like being around these people and they feel safe to be silly around but I always get doubts and that makes me question not only the people on this trip but also my friends back at school. Do they really like me or do they just tolerate me, ya know? I feel like I'm just so annoying and needy for attention and it makes me feel guilty and unloved and I even know that these thoughts aren't rational but I still feel it. It makes me either want to change my behavior and act like I did in high school when I was quiet and boring and miserable and wouldn't talk to people or try to be silly or friendly because I was sure everyone hated me anyway. It's so much better to just be able to be myself: crazy and silly and complains a lot and loves people and cares about people so fucking much. I just want to love everyone. I want to say I love you to everyone because I feel so good when I interact with people and guilty at the same time because I feel like I'm not good enough for them and that everyone is better than me so much so that I want to praise everyone. Everyone on my trip: I love you. All of my friends back at school: I love you. Etc. Like,,,,, I feel like it's weird but feeling connected to people is the only time I feel happy. Which leads me to 3) I don't want the trip to end. I feel like when this is over I'm going to be so lonely again. I shouldn't feel hopeless and depressed when I'm alone but I do, so so much. On this trip I have to many opportunities to be myself and connect with people in genuine ways because I am with people that I get along with pretty much 24/7 with very little alone time. And the thing is I KNOW that I can't be around people constantly. I feel the stress being here and not being able to be alone and I don't like it, but I think being around people constantly does more good than harm for me (depending on the people) because it makes me feel safe and cared about and feel like I have the ability to interact with people if I want to. When the trip is over I'm going to go home to school and be alone again most of the time. I'm going to feel that same feeling of feeling unloved and isolated and vulnerable, vulnerable in the sense that I'm not able to be myself with other people, not able to see my existence validated. When I'm alone I feel almost inhuman, like I don't really exist almost. When I am able to be myself around people and they react in a positive way I feel,,,, loved,,,,, valid,,,, empowered,,,, happy,,,, safe,,,,and real...human. I hate that I feel this way because it is too needy. I shouldn't need to be interacting with people to feel real, but I do. I think that for so long when I was in middle and high school I felt like I didn't even really exist. I spent every day going through the motions and trying to be unseen because I felt so worthless and insignificant. I felt nothing for so long and even tho I was alive I wasn't really existing. I would go through the day and not feel anything except empty, like I didn't belong anywhere or was allowed to really enjoy my life. When I went on trips for debate where I got to be myself and socialize with people I trusted is one of the only times when I would feel good. I feel like not much has changed. I only feel good when I'm hanging out with any of the people from my group of friends from school (especially a select few), or when I go to my trans support group and can be myself and socialize, or now on this trip with the people I'm with. I love feeling good and feeling happy when I am with people but it almost like I can't enjoy it to the fullest because I have SO MUCH self loathing and because I know it is going to end and I'm going to be lonely and feel like shit constantly when I go back to school. I just hate that I'm like this and that my dad and family and early life experiences fucked me up so much like this because I just want to be happy so badly and I know what it feels like but I feel like I'm just never going to get there. It just makes me kinda want to die. Like legitimately. I know most people would just say "oh just look forward to the next time you will get to feel good" but it doesn't work like that. The times when I am able to interact with people and feel good are not often enough to where I feel like the good times come enough to counteract the bad. Instead of looking forward to the good times I feel like I yearn for them like a starving person yearns for food, and while I am in the good times I am so anxious and depressed about the good times ending that I can't enjoy them fully. I just wish I was normal. My brain is so fucked up. Yet another reason I'm afraid I deserve to be so lonely. I'm too depressed and complicated. I SHOULD die because I'm a burden since I need so much attention and validation and I feel like dying would be less painful than my shitty depressing life with my fucked up brain and no one to talk about all this with other than the non-listening people of tumblr. Tbh I know this is so fucking long no one is going to read it but if anyone does and wants to talk to me please do because all this shit hurts so much and thinking about this stuff is the one thing that actually makes me cry in relation to myself. Like I can cry at emotional things happen externally from myself but not for myself. Except for this. I literally hate my life. Sorry about the rambling now onto the next thing. 4) this spring break trip is about LGBT awareness and one of the sites we are working at is a drop in center that provides services for LGBT people in detroit, ages 13-30. It's honestly so depressing and it keeps making me think about (as terrible as it sounds) how much I hate being trans. Living life as LGBT (esp trans or if you have an marginalized intersecting identity like race, class, ethnicity, ability status, immigration status etc.) is sooooo fucking hard. I feel like the government doesn't care about me at all and that's probably true tbh. beyond that though working at this site has also brought to my attention how much it sucks when your family doesn't accept you as an LGBT person, because the site mostly deals with homeless youth that got kicked out of their homes or had to leave because they weren't accepted and didn't feel safe. Not to make this about me because I know a lot of people, including the people that use the drop in center/shelter site I'm volunteering at, have it worse than me, but I have it hard too. I really don't want to go back to my hometown over this coming summer because I don't want to see my dad and I don't really want to live at home with my mom either. It's just so hard to be trans (aka MYSELF) around my family because they have such a hard time with it and it's so awkward and I truthfully don't feel safe and validated there. But I don't really have many other choices. I can't really afford to stay at college and work or take classes and even if I did I would be so fucking lonely that I honestly might die (see the whole long thing I did in number 3). I feel so trapped and unsafe and like I have no options and control over my life. Like, I know my mom and my sister and even my moms boyfriend care about me a lot, and I care about them, but I don't feel like I can stand to live there. Especially with my grandpa there, I really don't feel safe around him at all. I just don't know what to do. And I feel so stressed constantly about my dad. I feel like I have to tell him I'm trans AT SOME POINT like he will have to know eventually and I'm so so so so so so so so scared about it honestly it terrifies me more than almost anything. I honestly don't know if I could handle his reaction, because I dont really see it being positive. Even if he were to be fine with it there will never ever ever be a point where he would be able to address me in the way I want, just like I'm not sure that will ever happen with most of my extended family. I feel like I am hurting my family by being trans tbh. And I also feel like I am hurting myself and that's why I hate it. There are so many good things about being trans like being able to be myself and be COMFORTABLE being myself. Getting on hormones has been one of the greatest things. I actually feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and that makes me happier sometimes, but most of the time I still feel like shit. That's because there is still so much I feel uncomfortable about. My hips are too big, my chest is too big, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, my voice goes higher sometimes, I don't always pass, my hair looks bad (although this is less of an issue since I've realized I'm trans and started transitioning and had short hair I usually love my hair but am still sometimes self conscious about it not looking right or male enough (which I know is stupid but it's how I feel) ), my nails grow too fast and are always too long, my face looks feminine, I have ~breasts~ that I will never be able to afford top surgery for and ~female genitalia~ that make it so I will never find an actual gay man that I love that will love me back (also because of all of my other l trans related body issues a guy will never love me ). My dsyphoria is so bad whenever I go to class or leave my apartment, or even when I'm in my apartment and certain people that I feel like I need to impress or pass for are there. It's also worse when I am in places where I am prone to be misgendered like when I'm at ~home~ with my family, or in class or out literally anywhere in public where people don't know me. Especially because I don't feel safe being trans. I don't feel safe going out in public not passing. I don't think I will be physically harmed but I'm so afraid that I will be misgendered like I actually was on this trip by people AT AN LGBT ORGANIZATION. it hurt so much and now being at that site and being on this trip with the people from my school that I'm doing this with I feel more dysphoria and more like I need to be extra masculine in order for my identity to be valid. Especially with the current political climate and everything that is happening in this world I just don't feel safe and valid so much of the time, even when I'm in places where I should feel safe and valid. like a few weeks ago in my one class where we had to read an article by a TERF and talk about it on an online discussion forum. People in my class were agreeing with and sympathizing with the TERF and it honestly felt so shitty. Not because I felt insecure about my identity, I'm not. I know I'm trans. I am a man. I am a man. I know I am a man. Nothing will change me being a man. It felt shitty because it just adds to me feeling so unloved. Unloved by my dad, unloved by my peers, unloved by society. I'm lonely and unloved. People hate me for being trans. People hate me for being myself, which is just so depressing for me because I LOVE people so much, as I've said before. I think people are beautiful and amazing and I don't understand how other people function and I loved how diverse people are. I love love love love so much my heart is so full of love and I feel like I dont get enough back. Instead I get constant messages of people invalidating my existence when they misgender me, or when the fuckhead president trump and republican fuckheads in office demonstrate just how much they don't care about trans kids/people. I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for because I care about people so fucking much and I give so much. I don't want to sound entitled but it think it deserve it. I love how it feels to be validated and to be loved and to feel happy. I want it more. I don't like feeling invalid, inhuman, unloved and even hated. I really really don't like it. Aside from all the things I've talked about above there are so many other things that make being trans so hard for me. Binding. One thing that helps me feel a little safer. A little more valid. A little more okay with my body. Currently all of my binders are broken. They don't work like they should. I am not as flat as I want to be. It makes me so self conscious and dysphoric every day. And wearing the binder hurts so much. On this trip I have been wearing it like 13-15 hours a day because I'm not even explicitly out to most of the people on this trip. And I am so sore. I've been doing a lot of physical work and I know wearing my binder for so long and doing physical work is not good for my body. I think though that the emotional and mental pain I would get from not wearing it would be much worse. If I could, I would even wear it to sleep because I am sleeping around all these people (tbh most of them are in the LGBT community and alllll of them are sympathetic to the issues because we are on a service learning trip to help LGBT people and learn more about LGBT issues, but I still don't feel comfortable enough. The only people I don't always wear my binder around on a regular basis are my roommate, her boyfriend because he's always over and I can't really avoid it and a person probably my closest friend at school because we are so much alike as she is such a great and supportive friends that I feel reallly extremely safe around) that I get along with very well but I still am so dysphoric that I don't feel comfortable enough with to not wear my binder. It make me sleep worse at night. I am so worried that someone will notice me more while I am sleeping or something. But I bind pretty much constantly when I'm not sleeping, at least while I'm on this alternative spring break, and it hurts. My body wants me to give up I think. I have to do my hormone shot in the morning and I'm really nervous about it because I'm on this spring break trip and not home. There is only 1 bathroom and 20 people staying at this place we are st so it's not feasible for me to do my shot in the bathroom so I'll have to find another spot to do it and it just makes me so self conscious and I feel guilty about it because I feel like if I were cis I wouldn't have to be such a bother about it and idk it's not really logical but it makes me feel some type of way and I'm not excited about it. Another thing I'm not happy about with being trans on this trip specifically is that since we are an LGBT awareness group and it's a service learning trip about LGBT issues and I'm the only trans person on the group I feel obligated to educate the others in the group. Even worse is that since I'm not even technically out to all of them (even though they probably know because I'm not sure how well I pass) it feels more awkward to be the one person that knows so much about trans issues AND having to talk about trans people as if it is a Group that im not in and feeling unable to share how my experiences impact me in relation to the volunteer work we are doing/experiences we/I are having and in relAtion to just me being trans in and of itself. Like, I want them to know about trans issues and benefit from the trip and understand trans issues better in general but i really hate that trAns people are always having to teach people and advocate for themselves. I am on this trip and doing work to help a community that I'm a part of because most of the time people outside of the community don't care enough to do the work and it fucking sucks. Having to "be political" constantly because my identity is political and feeling like I have to advocate for myself constantly and in more ways than cis people do is exhausting and hard to deal with on top of all of the other shit I'm going through. Part of that shit is that my name hasn't been changed yet and that my gender marker isn't changed yet. I forget about it until I get to work and my coworkers call me she and my old name and I see my old name everywhere, on the computer screen, on the shelfs of movies. I forget about it until I have to pay for something with my credit or debit card and I have to sign my legal name. I forget about it until I tell people that my roommate is a girl and when people assume I'm a cis male (aka when I pass) that confuses them and sometimes causes them to misgender me or it causes me to out myself. It is so frustrating and exhausting and just not fun at all. I laugh so much about every terrible situation I'm in and make it off to not be a big deal. Like when I was misgendered on the trip and I mentioned it to the group I laughed and swept it under the rug and shrugged it off and said that it was fine, but it really wasn't. It really doesn't feel fine and I don't feel fine about being at that site in the space where I was misgendered and being around people that keep saying problematic, invalidating, transphobic things. It really really really doesn't feel good and honestly I just want to be held and loved. But instead of saying that I laughed and didn't talk about it because I don't want to out myself and I don't want to be a burden to the people in this group that I'm on a trip with. My feelings aren't important enough to be talked about at length. But all this laughing things off is really starting to take a toll on me I think because I really really really really just want to talk to someone about all of this stuff and I can't avoid it anymore it's building up and if I continue to keep it all to myself I am going to have some sort of breakdown. I could talk about all of this with my therapist. Or about some of it with my group that I'm on this alternative spring break trip with. Or some of it with a friend. But my biggest fear is that I will let it all out like I'm doing now but in an actual conversation and people either won't care or just won't know what to do or how to help me. If I keep it inside I can maybe hold on to the hope that it can be fixed and all these irrational thoughts and feelings can go away but if I let it all out and nothing can be done to fix me or to help me that I would be so so broken. I think it would just take every ounce of hope I have left in me. I don't know if I could go on to be perfectly honest. I want so so desperately to talk about all of this stuff but I'm too afraid to. I really feel like most people don't care and the ones that do can't do anything to help me. I really feel like a lost cause. I'm am so lost and distraught with my life. Ive been holding in all of my thoughts since I was little partly because I was too afraid to talk to my dad when I was little. And then when I got older I was too afraid to talk to anyone. And then I high school whenever I tried to talk about something important (or even things that aren't important) to one of my friends, I always felt like I got talked over or ignored in favor of someone else or something else more important than me. I feel like I have never been anyone's favorite (other than my mom I suppose) person or favorite friend and that hurts too. It makes it that much harder for me to interact with people in casual ways let alone in significant ways. I don't know what to do. I guess just get up tomorrow and do my testosterone shot and take a shower and get dressed and interact with people and try to have fun and try not to think too much. Thinking hurts. Feeling hurts. I'm crying good thing everyone is asleep. No one will read this. As it should be probably. fuck my life.

#i'm having a really bad night #and I'm probably being dramatic #but this long ass post #is literally everything that is bothering me currently and most of the stuff that gets me down on a regular basis #I'm honestly so not okay #i wanna d*e #no one will read this tho it's fine 🙃#I really wish I could kill myself #it would be easier than dealing with all the thoughts that are in my head constantly #this long post is most of it but not all of it #I feel like I'm going insane #holding all this inside constantly #I'm going to break soon #and it won't be pretty #I'm a horrible person

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