#tbh it reflects my personal internal standards…I guess

[badolmen]

Sometimes you dream about the shitty white supremacist on campus getting the shit kicked out of him by an objectively worse (?) person which a friend neutralizes while you make sure the subjectively worst person in your life doesn’t die before the EMTs show up. And in the dream the dickhead has a crisis over having his life saved by a dyke and a Black guy which is apparently resolved by you three ending up in the most unrealistic but oddly satisfying qpr your dreaming brain has ever attempted.

[catboymoments]

i kinda agree that anon is making a mountain out of a molehill but i do also think its possibly worth examining where that love of family fluff & creating fankids comes from?? like,, gjhgfgh yeah its problably NOT that deep but would you have such a preference for quote unqoute 'traditional family values' like getting married & making a baby had you not been raised catholic? i dont think u should constantly be 2nd guessing urself or not creating the content that makes u happy (esp when its literally not hurting anyone) but idk maybe its worth reflecting on ur own internal biases a bit? i also fully support transmasc pregnancy content but anon does raise a point that like,, save for ur UTDR fankid stuff, basically all ur other kid aus follow the trend of 'cis dude x trans dude who gets pregnant' which again,, like,, isnt THAT deep,, esp when uve explained that u r a transmasc person who wants to be pregnant & have kids but again kinda raises the question well why is that particular configuration so preferrential for you? 2 cis guys can have a surrogate, 2 transmasc dudes can adopt, having a vast majority of ur content default to any particular thing is inevitably garner a critical evaluation, esp w/ something so commonly fetishized as transmasc pregnancy, which isnt ur burden to bare either but just,,, aggghhh idk basically tl;dr ppl are blowing things out of proportion but i also dont think that what theyre saying is wholly without merit. the culture in which anyone is raised/surrounded by directly affects their art yes, but it also affects their values which in turn indirectly affect their art

if youve been following me 4 a while since the bnha days youll know that ive done art of all sorts of families, not just a trans dude and a cis dude. leik 4 example we got iida and sero- in my bnha nextgen verse theyre two cis dudes who want a kid, so mina, a cis girl, was their surrogate. also- asriel and ferostbite, despite being monsters, they're t4t and don't have any bio kids, but they coparent alice with chara.. usually my headcanons are just something I get a vibe from, like i dont sit there like "and THIS ONE has to have a cock because otherwise how would they have a kid?" and sometimes the one with cockenballen isn't even cis. like with komahina I hc that nagito is amab nonbinary. it just so happens that they could have a kid.

tbh ive always hated the aspect of catholicism thats like "you MUST get married and reproduce" because like we dont live in the dark ages anymore, yeah?? not everyone wants kids, and if someone wants a sacremental marriage they shouldnt be held to the standard of having kids. I dont think my interest in pregnancy is a religion based thing either- ever since I was little even before I could comprehend what I was being taught in church, I always had a fascination with human reproduction, gynecology and obstetrics from a scientific pov. I would pour over anatomy textbooks and be fascinated about how humans are made, and well. what can I say, I have a soft spot for cute tiny babies.

not trying to retort anything here, just wanted to give some thoughts.

[cat-sapphics]

Hey!

I follow the" aroace lesbian" tag and your recent posts have come up in my feed so I just wanted to say that being arospec, acespec (demiromatic graysexual, both labels in the aromantic and asexual spectrums) & lesbian is completely OKAY and you should not let anyone tell you the contrary. Especially uneducated people so 😚🤍

Many aroaces use the term aroace to encompass being in both aromantic and asexual spectrums; this means you experience little to no romantic/sexual attraction and that's more than valid. You can be both arospec and aspec! 🔥 Or arospec and asexual. Aromantic and acespec 🥺🤝

The way YOU experience romantic and sexual attraction is just different to the average allo person, & that doesn't make it any less valid. Attraction is an abstract concept and we shouldn't be putting ourselves into boxes but letting feelings be that, feelings.

Your experiences are necessary and important to our diverse & big aro/ace communities as an aroace lesbian! An aspec person is that who experiences little to no romantic attraction. That's it. THAT'S OKAY 🥰

And being an aspec lesbian is more than valid too, it's not a contradictory term because the little and fluctuating romantic & sexual attraction you DO experience, is ONLY towards women/nb so; I don't see why lesbian isn't a term you can't use. A lesbian is a women/nb female aligned person who experiences romantic, sexual and/or emotional attraction towards women/nb female aligned people. Check, check & check ✅

All in all, ace lesbians, aro lesbians and aroace lesbians are ALL part of the lesbian community & our unique experiences with romance and sex are necessary and valid for it 💓

Sorry if this got long, hope I made my point clear. Aroace lesbians have always been lesbians so don't let any exclusionists steal your peace 🧡🤍💖

thank you!! thank ya thank ya thank ya!! i really appreciate it <3

i will say, i think some of the anons i got did make some valid points (obviously not everywhere you look but they at least gave me something to think about in general) but it really took me by surprise how condescending and disapproving they all were. super uneducated too, i said i experience attraction differently or at least less frequently than average allo people and like ?? that doesn't mean i'm secretly a self-hating lesbophobe ?? you don't get to determine that for me if i'm genuinely happy even though i participate in lesbian discourse and am passionate about keeping the definition specific and closed ?? lol i didn't redefine lesbian or take away its initial meaning so it really had me peeved

i think most of their comments reflect on how they don't believe in aromanticism and asexuality being a spectrum, which i guess i invited by my own doing since i have some conservative and exclusionary views on the lgbt community and that affects my following/audience, but my response to that is that i use these labels because they bring me personal comfort. when i say i'm demiromantic i don't mean that alloromantics have zero standards when it comes to a potential partner or are completely mesmerized by the idea of hook-ups, just that the connection they need to start crushing comes within a decent time period with a personal connection, but not a super strong and deep and loving one that makes it exceptionally hard to fall in love despite however much we may desire to. the label doesn't exist to imply something bad about """normal""" people, it exists to name an experience many people have but to an intense degree. so, yes, it's a pointless social construct, it probably means nothing to you and that's fine, but it still means something to me. i'm not crying oppression or marginalization, and i'm not claiming that i'm lgbt on the basis of being demiromantic/greyasexual, but through being a nonbinary lesbian. that's the difference between mspec lesbians and aspec lesbians, is one is actively harmful to multiple groups and actually Does spawn from a place of internalized lesbophobia and/or biphobia, and the other is just "mmk this is just for me and affects nothing at all, it doesn't drag you into anything at all, i still qualify for lesbian the way you (should!) see it as technically even if you do believe it's redundant, so just... leave me alone" cause it reflects more on them than me when they make it their business by unfairly assuming things about me

same applies to me being greyasexual. still trying to figure out if it means that i experience sexual/physical attraction less frequently, less intensely, or both, but does that matter?? genuinely?? this is also redundant but i didn’t wanna leave it out of the paragraph about me being demiro fk;ljslkgbdvhbs. the aro disapproval part isn’t acceptable at all but i can at least see it since romance is so normalized and is a core part of, y’know, lgb relationships; the greyace disapproval however....... i don’t wanna label it as acephobia because i don’t really believe in aphobia being a thing, but it still kinda rubs me wrong to claim that sexual/physical attraction is a requirement ykyk... NOTHING WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEX OF COURSE (i myself kinda wanna try someday if that works out) i just think frowning upon someone who doesn’t UNLESS they try to claim they’re lgbt on that basis is.................. not really cool. i really hope people who read this understand what i’m trying to say and don’t label me as an ace inclus who thinks aphobia and oppression are real, i was just trying to make a point about my personal experiences oops lmao

and then it became "aroace means NO ATTRACTION AT ALL" okay... so i'm angled aroace, that's a sub-term since aroace is literally an umbrella term, actually (unlike lesbian, shit's complicated ykyk). "YOU'RE NOT AROACE THEN"....... they don't even like the idea of oriented aroace now either, so like, what then, are aroace people just never allowed to feel love or positive feelings from other people ever? jesus christ. i'm not even getting into this, i consider aro/ace identities to be secondary to describe one's attraction so this debate should not be as important as, say, discourse centering the L, G, B, or T. it's just dumb all around tbh

hope i addressed all the arguments against it, but i can't really care at this point if i missed something :/ i'll probably get a mean anon about it so don't worry!! /s jslgjgjkshkj;lhfp

speaking of, i've had to delete so many anons and even turn off the option to ask anonymously because of this discourse. it's so pointless in my opinion, so i've just stopped giving them my time unless i think it's worth answering - but even then, i try to keep it fairly short. i genuinely was not expecting my take on (cishet) ace discourse to turn into myself failing to be seen as a "real lesbian" despite literally meeting its definitive qualifications and then it just kept building up ?? stan behavior tbh, especially since plenty of them obviously come from the same users

i apologize for the rant. i just never really felt like i'd be listened to if i tried to explain my identity, so i gave up and just tried to ignore my way out of it. so i really genuinely appreciate your ask, especially since i can identify you. it really feels like i actually have someone on my side now, so even if you ever disagree i'd know you wouldn't harass me about it. it really means a lot, i really needed this from you and i don't wanna dump more shit but i feel that you deserve to know. so thank you again <3

[automatonne]

Idk if this is in any way helpful? I've read what you've been posting on your thoughts and idk I've felt maybe sorta sharing this with you may help, or at least, getting a perspective sorta out of left field? Or maybe just kinda make you feel less shitty? (Because I feel you there, and as eloquent as it is, feeling shitty is shit)

But I've been following you and and a few other blogs with tf chub/stuffing/vore/etc themes and I'll be honest with you; I moreso neutral when it comes to this kink? I think I'm moreso down with the feelings aspect of any kink then truely having it. (Then again, this aspect could be moreso from myself being ace/not super being in touch with the sexual aspect of most things out there?)

On weight gain, or anything to do with things of that nature, in the past I've tended to avoid. Because I'm chubby, and there's some days I hate my appearance so much. I'll be feeling good about myself then see a reflection and immediately point out any flaws and I'll just go back to square one? Or I'll be eating, and see myself vs another and immediately start to guess what they could be thinking. I've spent a lot of time dealing with my own internalized hate towards my weight, and tbh it's still something I struggle with. There's so much media out their geared towards fat positivity, and I love it! I think people loving themselves for who they are is an amazing thing, it's just something I've struggled to get on board with concerning myself.

And then I stumbled across these sort of kinks/community? (And even moreso when finding the tf community? Because I feel like alongside to actively following along with y'all's content, y'all are really cool people as well?! I've seen stuffing art and whatnot in prior fandoms, but always sorta as a one off.) Tbh, I'm not really sure how to word things, but low-key I respect all of y'all a lot?

With your writings, and others art and really just conversations around weight in general, I feel like idk- it's something more real when y'all say you like it? Not some sort of motivational poster sorta feel good campaigns, but there's genuine appeal? Like I'm not some sorta ugly fatty, but instead someone that can find a partner who would genuinely see me as desirable?

Like I said, I'm not the best with words, and I'm not even sure this will even help you out concerning the negative light you see yourself/your kinks in? I just kinda wanted to tell you that I sorta see y'all in a positive light? I see your happiness with it all and I can't really find it in myself to be hateful towards my own weight when it's something that is beautiful in another's eyes?

So you talked about wanting to rewire your brain, but I guess I've sorta been rewiring my own. And without you being 100% authentic to who you are, to what you love and creating things in the world to share that passion, I'd still be feeling pretty shitty bout my self image. I think your amazing, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you are; rewiring yourself to fit societies standards would only make you less yourself, a truely genuine and beautiful person. People are always going to be shitty, and try to mold you into something your not; being labeled cringey is just another way for shitty people to attack your self esteem.

But yea? I wish you the best in life, I truely do! I just kinda wanted to pop by with this whole mess so that maybe it helps? Idk, but thank you nonetheless for you being dope af!

Nonny, my heart goes out to you today. I struggled a little with how to respond to this because I couldn’t see the keyboard through my tears and I just want you to know this thing.

You deserve to treasure yourself and be treasured in all your softness, inside and out. I’m glad that my writing and others’ art have been an outlet for you to get some self-acceptance. Knowing that my work has a positive influence on others has a more helpful impact than you know. Sure, others might think it’s weird, but if even one person has been one bit of a better day because of what I put out, it’s all worth it.

This community, despite its own problems, has also helped me come to terms with my own body image and love myself. I was once in your very same shoes, before I joined in official capacity. If I loved others’ bodies, how could I not love my own? By calling my own soft body ugly, I was acting in hypocrisy to everything I stood for in the community and in the acceptance movement. Now, I realize that this vessel is mine, and I may sculpt it how I please and make it pleasing to me.

Your body is a temple, beloved, but you are the god to whom it is devoted. Do not let anyone tell you how your altar may appear. If you choose to redecorate or rearrange, that is a choice you alone will make.

I know it isn’t easy, and it took me several years to go on this journey. I’m still struggling every day. But, it will get easier, if you work for it. I’ve never met you, but I already know that you can.

So, yes, nonny, you did help. So much. I hope that you thrive, wherever you are. This week, I’m going to love myself and other soft bodies just a little more—for you.

[melnchly-a]

@messianique​ sent: we had guin gush about arthur, so can guin gush about LANCE NOW? what does she love about him? why does she love him so much? how does she come to even fall in love with him in the first place? what makes her really decide to have an affair with him despite her also loving her husband???

gosh OKAY. 

i think her initial attraction to lancelot is that he’s Different, and then - - just slightly further - - there’s something in him that seems a lot like the part of herself she has to hide in order to be the type of queen she thinks she’s supposed to be. something that doesn’t quite fit in court, something wild. i do also think that there’s a part of her that?? sort of just intrinsically likes the qualities that make you relate him to dogs asdfghjk there’s a deep-rooted love and loyalty to him once that’s won, and though she sees that first with his dedication to arthur, she likes it immediately. and then it just? it just takes her being herself to soften him toward her, and that love and loyalty turns toward her, too, and though she doesn’t know that’s what’s happening intellectually, she feels it. they’re very much alike, and the times she’s spoken to him or been with him alone, she doesn’t feel the same pressure to be the high queen. there’s a freedom to being with him that she can’t help but like. as things develop between them, i think she also really likes the contrast in the way he is with her: how passionate they are together, the fact that he doesn’t treat her like she’s made out of glass, and yet when there are quiet moments he can be stunningly gentle. 

she falls in love with him sort of in the background of her own mind/heart, if that make sense. sort of slowly at first, then in a way that she doesn’t immediately recognize as love, and then all at once. it starts off by just knowing him at court/seeing him with arthur, then getting to know him more closely/personally when he’s the one to rescue her from kidnapping attempts, then the start of their affair. i do think a lot of that is mostly attraction with like? foundational elements of becoming a Real Relationship, but a lot of the more deep emotional connection happens after the affair actually starts. not that it isn’t there before, that connection. it certainly is. it’s just the beginnings, though, and then they strengthen over time. 

as far as her deciding to have an affair, that’s...more complex than anything else asdfg. we talked briefly about this, but i really do think there’s a part of guinevere that at least inwardly resents the way arthur puts camelot before her. it starts to feel like that happens every time, and while she would have known going into the marriage that he’s a king, that he would have to prioritize his kingdom over even her, i don’t think she fully knew the extent to which that would happen. so while lancelot always being the one there to guard/rescue her from the kidnappings/kidnapping attempts is not the real impetus for her jumping into an affair, it reflects what she’s already starting to resent. lancelot, on the other hand...doesn’t do that. he’s the one sending knights back to swear to her, he’s the one coming to her rescue, etc, so while i don’t think that’s an active part of her decision-making it’s definitely an underlying factor. 

and then, of course, as i’ve spoken on before, lancelot is the first person guin really got to choose, and the dancing around before/at the start of the affair is the closest to a courtship she’s really ever had. her marriage to arthur was much more contractual, without much of a courtship period happening beforehand. 

and, last, there are a few facts, considering that guinevere does have a.) an impulsive streak, b.) a fondness for physical touch as an expression of love, c.) a much more....frank? i guess? view of sex/sexuality than would have been a standard in a kingdom like camelot at that time. idk where it comes from, tbh, but it’s just. part of her. 

so when all of those things combine AND they have the opportunity, she does kind of just. jump into the affair. i don’t know whether she expected to last as long as it did, but she absolutely walked into it with her eyes wide open. 

lastly, i think? from the beginning, at least for guinevere, the loves she feels for lancelot and arthur is just....both very distinct and very much the same all at once. she really does see them as halves of a whole, and loving both halves means loving the whole. intellectually she knows that having an affair isn’t what she’s supposed to be doing, that it goes against the vows she took, but even those vows are so tied up in her internalized resentment at not having a choice in her life. so she really just. doesn’t feel she’s doing anything wrong by loving. and, in her mind, hidden love isn’t really love at all, so why wouldn’t she act on it? 

ASK ME HEADCANON QUESTIONS ABOUT MY MUSES : ACCEPTING!

[1-mini-1]

My 2 Cents on Translating

I was skimming through my computer and found this blog post that I never posted. I think I was hesitant because I saw varying opinions on the subject in the fandom, but idk, these are just my thoughts from my experience as a fan translator for the vocaloid/utaite fandom and what I have learned. I'm not sure if any of my thoughts are unpopular opinions or not, but I'm also not sure how much discussion there has been concerning fan translators. Also, this is really long, so if you want to skim or ignore it be my guest lol.

I guess the first thing I'll talk about is how I think writing a translation is just as much of an artform as writing original lyrics are. I know that translations aren't from scratch like an original story is, but with Japanese especially, there's sooooooo much leniency in how things can be translated into English. Here's an example of how different translations can be. This is a quote from Natsume Soseki's "Kokoro" and three published translations of it:

私は冷やかな頭で新しい事を口にするよりも、熱した舌で平凡な説を述べる方が生きていると信じています。血の力で体が動くからです。言葉が空気に波動を伝えるばかりでなく、もっと強い物にもっと強く働き掛ける事ができるからです。

"I believe that a common reply, stated with passion on one's tongue, is more impactful than novel words from a cool head. The flow of blood powers the body. Words are more than waves disturbing the air, they induce great action in greater things." - From the Soseki Project site

"I believe that commonplace ideas passionately expressed are more effective in real life than the original inventions of a detached intellect. Because it is the heat of the blood that impresses us, for in addition to the words which reverberate in the air, the emotion by its intensity pierces to the soul." - Ineko Kondo

"I believe that words uttered in passion contain a greater living truth than do those words which express thoughts rationally conceived. It is blood that moves the body. Words are not meant to stir the air only; they are capable of moving greater things." - Edwin McClellan

Anyways, you get the idea lol. As you can see from these translations, the grammar structures are completely different; sometimes words are added, sometimes words are left out, and sometimes there are grammar patterns used in Japanese that just don't work in English. All these decisions are up to the translator. I've read some translations of things where whole relevant plot details were cut out just because the translator got annoyed (I'm looking at your translation of the Tale of Genji, Seidensticker).

I should probably talk about how I translate stuff. When I first started translating, I thought my lyrics were more liberal, but as I poked around and looked at other translators, I found that mine stuck more closely to the original format of the song (such as, I would keep the same phrases on the same line in the stanza, use the same format for punctuation, etc.). Song translation is different from manga or books because sentences can be broken up over a whole stanza, so translators can play a lot with how they want to arrange phrases for lyrics. I kept mine very close to the original song because I liked being able to easily identify the Japanese line with the English. I'm not sure if that's a translating "sin" but eh, that's how I liked translating my stuff. Maybe in the future I'll try something different

However, just because I saw many different translations for songs, I wouldn't go out of my way to say that any of them were wrong or bad, per say. Translating songs is a huge pain because there's no punctuation which makes it hard to keep track of everything. I've had times where I've been able to translate a 10 page story faster than I could translate a single song, just because having context and punctuation makes everything sooooo much easier. However, even if a translation is wrong, I don't think that makes it meaningless. I'm personally of the opinion that having some sort of translation is better than nothing, but that's something you need to decide for yourself. When I was first learning Japanese and couldn't fully understand the songs I listened to, if there was even just one line that I understood, I would embrace it and really love whatever meaning I grasped from it. Even if a song is translated correctly, there are lines that will impact people differently, and even an awkward or incorrect translation can resonate with the reader. Similarly, there are many times when I translate that I look at a line and think "aaahhhhh I want to change the meaning a bit because I can make it sound cooler and give it more impact than a direct translation would".

The next thing I noticed is that I kind of feel like people value native Japanese speakers (who have English as their second language, non-native English speaker) over native English speakers more (Japanese second language, non-native Japanese speaker)? Tbh, that feels like a double standard to me. Like idk, I'm fine translating Japanese into English, but I don't think I would be able to translate English into Japanese. In fact, most professional translating jobs have you translate into your native language, so I thought it was strange when I noticed that it seemed like native Japanese speakers had more favored translations. Or another one I noticed is that if someone knew more languages, their translation would also be considered better because of the assumption that taking multiple language courses is the same as being gifted with languages. Anyways, my point is that both English native speakers and Japanese native speakers both put a lot of time into learning their languages so I don't think one side should be valued less than the other. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Native English speakers may have a harder time understanding the initial Japanese, but shape it into English better, while native Japanese speakers understand the Japanese, but have a harder time putting it into English how a native speaker would understand.

No matter what the translator's native language is though, I've learned that having skills in a foreign language isn't the only requirement to be a good translator; you also need to have proper understanding of grammar and a large vocabulary in your native language. Also, proper reading of the translation requires the same amount of understanding for English grammar and vocabulary. I realized this after I took a lot of comparative literature classes and realized how much of a potato I am lol. I think it makes sense though, as a lot of the lyrics from utaite and vocaloid songs are usually extremely well thought out poetry. Multiple songwriters I've translated for have mentioned that as they tried to write better lyrics, they eventually had to immerse themselves in studying literature and their native language much more than the average person would. I often think that since literature and translating doesn't abide by scientific law that the humanities are actually more difficult to grasp than STEM subjects (and trust me, I've studied far on both sides of the spectrum).

The last thing I'll touch on is that… just appreciate your fan translators and don't give them a hard time please. Like nobody gets paid to do this stuff and usually they do it because they really like something, so just let people learn and try their best. Yes, they won't be perfect translations, but once again, fan translators aren't paid. They're translating out of the goodness of their heart. After all, translators don't need to translate a song to understand it, so in the end they don't really lose anything if they stop translating. As international fans, I feel like there are three options that we have to choose from eventually: 1. Rely on fan translations, even with their mistakes 2. Don't use translations and just enjoy the music or 3. Learn Japanese. I think all options are great, but they are personal decisions and shouldn't be used to knock other people down and make them feel bad. If there's a mistake in a translation, it is not intentional and the translator literally has no idea unless someone tells them (as translations are a combined reflection of both Japanese AND English ability). All I know is that Vocaloid was popularized from amateur musicians just doing what they wanted for fun, and so I think a really cool thing that the international fandom has that Japan doesn't is that we have awesome fan translators that are also amateurs and are doing translations for fun.

[sharkiegorath]

Okay cause I don't think I've ever seen your thoughts on this. Thoughts on sparing Arcann.

WOW this is was a well-timed ask, thank you! I recently finished KOTFE for the first time and let Senya leave with Arcann. 

Short answer: I’ll spare him; it’s probably my ‘canon’ outcome. I don’t like the Voss sucking out all of the ‘badness’ through a vague procedure - which is annoying, since the Shrine of Healing is one of my favourite parts of the base game. I would’ve liked seeing more of that reflection instead of, like, near-literally vacuuming everything out of him with no indication that he’s fighting internally. I don’t frown upon people killing him but I’m also not a fan of disc horse about how he’s The Worst Ever and “there are some things you can’t come back from”, because by SW standards he’s a fairly mild villain. I’m annoyed with that line of thinking in the first place, but in this particular case I don’t think it’s even worth the moral debate. 

Longer answer: 

For me, the problem with Arcann’s arc (hehehehehehe) was that I didn’t care about what he’d done wrong. I’ve been desensitized by everything that happened prior to KOTFE, up to Ziost. On a galactic level, Arcann hadn’t done anything significantly worse than several Sith had; the older atrocities felt more personal since the ‘Outlander’ was very conscious when they happened and we saw/heard the effects instead of casually learning about it afterwards (e.g. Angral, Jadus). He hadn’t been guilty of major hypocrisy like Belsavis for the Republic. iirc he hadn’t endorsed bigotry or slavery. His 'crime’ against 'me’ was stealing five years from my character’s life - but that wasn’t his goal, he planned to have an indefinite trophy. And every time he appeared, it hammered in that he cared about killing Valkorian more than anything. 

Since most of my characters consistently take LS options, I don’t have many reasons not to spare him. They might not like him, but they sympathise with Senya and they have their own pasts with family difficulties.

I understand why people dislike Arcann because of how the narrative frames his 'redemption’, especially when compared to how the narrative treats Vaylin. So I guess that’s reason enough to kill him. And from an in-character perspective, it’s natural if other people’s Outlanders don’t forgive him. But on the other hand, I don’t really complain that he’s not genuinely contrite or contrite enough. tbh some criticism of Arcann’s 'redemption’ feels like a perfunctory “you did bad, you must be punished” response rather than an actual emotional reaction to severe injustice. Which Is Not Great. 

HOWEVER: 

Back when KOTET first came out I made notes about how I’d consider killing Arcann (and by extension, Senya) on certain characters. Not because I dislike them, but because I preferred Lana and Theron’s replacement roles at the end. If Arcann and Senya are dead, Lana and Theron are the ones who accompany the Outlander to the throne room. They get a nice scene together which ties into the canon last scene; it adds better context to Lana’s attitude throughout the Traitor arc. 

There’s also a scene in the turbolift where Valkorian freezes time to ~plant doubt~ about the Outlander’s current companions. As much as I hate the subsequent Traitor storyline, it does make sense for Valkorian to question whether Lana and Theron would stay loyal. After all, they were both Intelligence/spies and traitors to the Empire/Republic, who have histories of suggesting you do Bad things. It’s significantly less believable when Valkorian tries to plant doubt about Arcann or Senya, considering how he had abused them. 

AND…if Arcann and Senya are dead, they reappear anyway to beat Valkorian up. When they’re alive, iirc it isn’t clear how they beam into the Outlander’s mind to fight him. (The holocron??? I guess???) When Lana and Theron are there, they’re at least protecting the Outlander while the mind stuff is going on. If it’s Arcann and Senya, they abruptly go from fighting Skytroopers to joining the Outlander in the mind stuff. 

But ultimately, I think I’d only want to play this version once.   

[the-real-xmonster]

(Probably) Last Mass Post on Olympic Technicals

I saw a GIF of Nathan's 3A from his Oly FS. Has he gone back to the toe-pick release, from the skid that Raf was teaching him? (Can't seem to link GIF, sorry! But the Olympic Channel has his FS.)

This is the moment I realized, with mild horror, that I’ve forgotten to DVR any of Nathan’s performances at the OG. And my current Internet connection is so crappy I can’t even get the Olympic channel video to play in full HD. But, yes, I also remember noticing that he went back to the toe pick takeoff for his 3A in the FS. Probably because the skid takeoff sure didn’t work out that well for him in that competition. Let’s wait and see what he chooses to do at Worlds this week.

Hi, I really appreciate your posts! You've made figure skating so much easier to understand with your gifs and explanations. I was wondering something, if you don't mind answering, and it was in concerns to step sequences. I remember hearing somewhere that Nathan Chen got a level 4 during his Long Program at the Olympics while Yuzuru got a level 3? If true, why is that? It doesn't seem like Nathan's is more complex at all. Thank you in advance for reading this inquiry --- @mystictrillium

Hi, it’s true that Nathan got a level 4 for his FS StSq at the OG and Yuzu got a level 3, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that Nathan’s StSq was more complex than Yuzu’s. Yuzu’s planned technical content for the Seimei StSq is highly difficult (more details here) and should be more than enough to earn him the maximum level if everything is executed correctly. The reason why Yuzu lost a level at the OG was because of one mistake that happened to occur during a turn, which, under ISU rules, was crucial for level evaluation purpose. I’ve discussed this here, in case you are interested in the technical details. 

Hi Alice! I was wondering, if Yuzuru got a Lv4 on the last spin of his SP from the Olympics (same GOE) would he have broken the WR?

No, a level 4 spin wouldn’t have been enough. He was 1.05 points away from a new WR. The difference between Base Value of a level 3 and a level 4 combination spin is only 0.50 points, and there is no difference in their Scale of Value, so Yuzu wouldn’t have got any extra GOE if he had received a level 4 for that last spin either. He, in fact, received higher GOE for that spin at the OG compared to at Autumn Classic. Well deserved, I’d say, not least because I love that variation he did for the A-spin when he placed his hand flat on his back instead of on his knee as usual:

(Aside from being pretty, this variation also affected his balance and actually made the spin harder to execute. But of course when you are Yuzuru Hanyu, judges hold you to an apparently much higher standard so, despite added difficulty and whatnot, if you miss your rotation by a hair’s breadth, you lose a level, no negotiation allowed).

Hi Alice! This ask is regarding spin. I understand Hanyu got only Lv3 on his last spin for SP for lacking rotation. But then Shoma Uno in his FS' FCCoSp, if I am not mistaken, lacked rotations on both his camel and upright position. So,,, why was that still counted as a lv4 spin? That's 2 basic position lacking rotations. I know counting spin is not my forte, but did I really make that big of a mistake there? Thanks! (also, if it's going to unleash the you-know-what, feel free to not answer)

No I don’t think you are mistaken about Shoma’s spin. At least if you count spin revolutions the same way I do. For a basic camel position, I count from the moment both the skater’s spinning knee and free leg are fully straightened, I stop counting when they start bending their knee to move to the subsequent position:

For a basic upright position, I’d count from when their body is fully upright (duh) and the spinning knee also fully straightened, same principle as camel spin for when to stop:

So, from how I see it, neither of those positions Shoma had was held for 2 full revolutions. As to why the tech panel didn’t invalidate his spin or give him a V sign at least, your guess is as good as mine.

In case anyone is curious, this is how I count the revolutions for Yuzu’s inside to outside edge feature: start when his blade is completely outside, stop when his blade is completely flat:

I remember Shoma said that if he had landed the 4Lo, he could have higher chance of winning, and Yuzuru replied that even if Shoma did land the 4Lo, Yuzu would still have won. Could you calculate/ explain this please?

Wait, when/where did this conversation happen? Just asking because it sounds very out of character for both of them.

But, well, the calculation is not hard to do. The final margin between Yuzu and Shoma was 10.95 points. Shoma got a total of 8.00 points for his 4Lo (fall), if he had landed the jump, and landed it perfectly so that he received the maximum GOE for it (which has never happened, mind you), his total point for that element would have been 12 in BV + 3 GOE = 15 points. So that’s 7 points added to his TES. Now you can also tell me that the fall on the 4Lo affected his PCS, so if it hadn’t happened his PCS would also have gone up, but it order to even the gap with Yuzu, Shoma would need an extra 3.95 points in PCS, which would mean a total PCS of 96.67. Considering that his personal best PCS in international competition is (I think) 94.42 at WC17, 96.67 is extremely unlikely.

So, the summary is, even if Shoma had landed his 4Lo, Yuzu would still have won.  

Hi Alice, I have a question about commentators, do you know who were the commentators for the official Olympic broadcast (the ones with the phrase 'liquid gold'😍)? They seemed so lovely and I could hear them clapping after Yuzu's fs, which was just heart warming.     

The female commentator (she of the “liquid gold” comment) is Belinda Noonan, former Australian national champion. Thanks to @chibura for the info :) I’m not sure who her partner was. Does anybody have a clue?

Hi Alice! Hope you're doing fine. I've heard people saying a lot that Javi should have got silver instead of Shoma. I haven't watched yet Javi's performance but I've seen a fancam of Shoma's and I've checked their protocols. Shoma's technique is flawed, that much we know, but there were a couple of jumps that were pretty nice. Javi has like 5 points advantage over Shoma in PCS but he popped that 4S and lost a level in one of the spins (besides less one quad). What do you think? Thanks :) --- @puniyo    

I also think the Silver should have gone to Javi, mostly because in the FS, Shoma’s 4Lo was clearly under-rotated and he shouldn’t have got the full BV for it. His 4T was borderline UR as well (more details on his 4Lo and 4T here), and as you see above, his flying combination spin was also dubious. Considering the very thin margin between him and Javi, any of those mistakes, if called by the tech panel, could have resulted in a different final standing.  

Please excuse me if this question seems silly, but I have not understood fs enough to withstand a debate, that's why I really need your help. I saw on an ask page someone raising questions about Yuzu's 4T in Chopin, so aside from the argument that 4T has an inherent degree of prerotations, how else can I prove that his 4T was not UR? And while Kurt said that it was not quite the 'perfect' landing, how would you describe that landing on average? Thanks a ton            

I think you’ve got PR and UR mixed up there :) PR is about whether or not the skater rotates on ice before the takeoff, where as UR is about whether they do that after they land.

So it’s true that a toe loop always has some degrees of PR inherent in it, more than most of the other jump types, because of the way the skater's hip is completely open to the rotational direction. Here’s Yuzu’s 4T takeoff in his SP:

You see there, with the way this jump works (left leg swinging behind for the pick), a skater can’t help but point their toe at an angle for the takeoff, and that’s what causing the inherent pre-rotation. However in Yuzu’s case, he picked and then left the ice with minimal timing delay, so his blade was fully off ice at no more than 90 degrees of PR, which made his takeoff completely valid in scoring terms (in order for a takeoff to be called “cheated”, it has to be done with 180 degrees of PR or more).

As for the landing of that jump, no, it wasn’t perfect. It was slightly under-rotated:

See how he clearly did have to finish his last rotation on ice? It was not called by the technical panel, likely because they deemed the lack of rotation not enough for a call (less than a quarter), but it was reflected somewhat in his GOE. 4 judges out of 9 gave him +2 only for that combo. With him hitting almost, if not all, of the 8 positive GOE bullets for that combo, a +2 can only be justified by the judges taking into consideration the mandatory deduction of -1 for the UR (yes, judges are allowed to, and are supposed to, deduct GOE for jumps lacking rotation even if there is no call from the tech panel).

Here’s how a perfect 4T landing looks, from Yuzu’s FS :)

(Straight up +3 for this one)

Hi Alice! I was wondering on yuzu’s SP (and really the FS as well tbh) when he was jumping his 4T-3T the foot picking the ice as he was jumping wasn’t his usual ‘quick hitting motion’ as I think you put it. Do you think it’s just bc he hadn’t been training his quads until 2 weeks before and he was just getting used to it or it could be something else?        

He did put a bit more pressure on the ball of his picking foot for the takeoff of that 4T (as you can see in that gif above), and same goes for his (planned) solo 4T in the FS.

I think it had to do with his right ankle not in its best shape: for a toe loop takeoff, while the majority of the push comes from your picking left foot, you do need to use your right foot’s ankle and knee to stabilize the takeoff. If you have some nagging unease in your mind about your right foot, it can lead to you taking a split second more to fully stabilize the takeoff, and therefore, a split second more of your toe pick being kept on the ice.

Or, he was actually altering his takeoff in that manner as a way to put a certain limit on the size of his toe loop so that it is easier to control, also because he was worrying about his right foot, which plays a crucial role in the landing. This alternative theory of mine came up because I noticed that in the second 4T he did in the FS, he used the usual fast takeoff and ended up with that step out:

For what it’s worth, his subsequent triple toe loop takeoffs in combos were all picture perfect though, as usual :)

[carry-on-my-wayward-meg]

There’s whatever something that has been sabotaging me since the beginning of my life. The SAME thing. But it can do both from the outside or my inside.

And it isn’t like just “fear” or “insecurity”. It’s direct sabotage.

Everything (small or not) that I like too much, gets destroyed to me.

Many years ago, when I kinda dated that Virgo for a month (the one that I used to think was out of my league, much probably still is, like everyone else ever, but even more, that one, that temporary one that no one and no force internal or external in the universe even opened expectations about), anyway, I had taken ONE PICTURE of both of us together, which was really cute. Like, Utopic Life, Catalog cute. THAT LEVEL of cute.

I just wanted the picture you know. To reminisce it. Because I used to be nostalgic to the end, doesn’t matter how much useless of a feeling that might be.

To look at the picture in the future and be like “look at this, I dated this dude which was so out of my league and we were happy for like a minute”.

But then. As I was looking at the picture, IDK what the fuck I pressed, that I just IMMEDIATELY DELETED. WITH MY OWN HANDS.

The ONE picture. That was awesome. I wasn’t even lusting for anything concrete or whatever, I just wanted a gooddamn picture.

Next subject.

Many years later I had that horrid toxic “relationship”, and while all the shit was still too “fresh”, (still is tbh, emotional and mental rape is like this), I took a new picture back then, to renew my Personal ID, probably because I had lost it or didn’t like the previous picture in it, whatever. But I still hated the new one. I hated how my face and body expressed how much tainted I was with “that thing” and the personal abuse. I hated how the dyed strings of my hair, the type of reflection I had in my eyes, weight of my eyelids, the slight change in the arch of my eyebrows and skin type, all expressed that. You can’t tell by looking at it, but I knew it. I know it.

I couldn’t change that back then because that’s how I was. I was with “that thing” all over me, all the time. I could feel it.

Years after that, when my body had regenerated somewhat enough from that, I renewed my Personal ID again. It wasn’t necessarily prettier, obviously not younger, still had a tiny bit of taint but I liked it much better. It was a symbol of the beginning of something else without that. Not yet perfect.

Every time I had tried to get rid of that thing, inexplicably, something really bad would happen to me. I looked at my Personal ID, thinking about that, how I wanted to throw the old one away, but how afraid I was of doing that and some tragedy happening again.

Same day, hour, Immediately after thinking that, I put the new ID on the back pocket of my Jeans and left the house. It was a big enough pocket, just like every other Jeans. When I arrived at the destination where it was necessary, my new ID wasn’t at my Pocket anymore. I came back all the way through, looking at the ground, asking for a couple of people if they saw anything, no one said they did.

To this day I have been obligated to use the old one.

To anyone or anything that says or thinks I haven’t completely “moved on” or “recovered” only because of me, or because I haven’t “chosen” to do so. I have ALWAYS CHOSEN.

And then the opposite happens.

This had happened with everything. “Friends”. “Opportunities”. “Ideals”. “Love” for everything that wasn’t “that thing”. EVERYTHING that could free me from that (and that represented who I was). When it was people, they either chose to leave me to rot or worse, take me closer to that again.

Controlling even other people’s choices. (But they let it, let’s be honest. You have a mind to resist bullshit, reach conclusions by your own-self, and make conscious choices that change the previous standard outcome, reflecting the very existence of freewill). Controlling even happenstances. Controlling and forcing changes even in the very bases and essence of my own personality.

Tell me that isn’t rape. Spiritual rape. Whatever the fuck that is.

Next Subject.

(I do not think I feel anything “that” specially negative about this one. I think I even kinda needed it a bit. But nonetheless, it’s weird).

Couple years ago. Some specific type of internet content that you can subscribe with one click to receive immediate updates about. There is one I was consuming but intentionally not subscribed to. I didn’t want to do it.

I was looking at their page, my judgement and memory are not the best, as I was still pretty effed up, I guess the mouse was already close to it, but then my right hand kinda finished hovering over to the button and then clicked “Subscribe”. Almost or all by itself. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY VERY FUCKING EYES.

I re-clicked it to cancel that out, immediately.

And if I’m not wrong. mixing stuff up, after maybe a few weeks. That happened again. TWICE.

It’s almost like one of the biggest reasons that all that crap related to that second subject, was pushed to me so much, was because just a bit before that, I had finally started to learn to love myself, my life, and any potential I thought it could have.

Whatever the fuck this force is, it couldn’t “just let that happen.”

[crabbiestseaman-blog]

character questions

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?  No direct siblings! But if I app to DA7, my character will be around Adachi’s age and related to him. This is true no matter which of my top 2 choices I go with, really.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? Very positive! She babies him a bit too much, and he gets a little annoyed with this. That’s about the extent of the negativity in their relationship.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like? Adachi’s dad had a heart attack and then quit crab fishing, divorced Adachi’s mom, and fucked off to who-knows-where. What a weird mid-life crisis!

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? I’m pretty sure he’s watched someone else drown on at least one occasion but I regularly forget about this like a good roleplayer lol

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets? keys, phone, (unless he’s at sea, in which case why even bring your phone if there’s not gonna be reception) gun, ammo. his coat has a specially designed concealed carry pocket. i hate this.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? who tf knows

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? now? lots of nightmares of suddenly falling ill and dying. thanks, chou! (dis a Joke i personally stan for chou. seriously go have your OC interact with her, hear her out, and you’ll stan too)

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target? sIFUISGHJDGKSJGSGhskJGSHJKSDGKJHGSDKGJHUGJKHSGK yes, but he only shoots large animals because they’re larger, easier targets. (also, birds + rabbits are too cute to kill.) first target was probably a rabbit at the insistence of his peers and he cried afterwards.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? not really! adachi’s dad may have fucked off to the middle of nowhere, but he inherited his dad’s job. so they’re still making a comfortable middle class income.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing? well i mean he grew up in alaska and prefers not dying of hypothermia so

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? ch8 lol

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? who kno

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way? no

Does your character remember names or faces easier? both fairly easy. he notices small things about people easily.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? he’s preoccupied with making an income, on account of uh. being forced to be the primary breadwinner of his household for a while there. but for that same reason, he’s also preoccupied with not spending it recklessly. he prides himself on keeping a fairly large rainy day fund in case of emergencies. he’s probably legitimately saving up for retirement at the age of 19. i hate this

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? success, because you kind of have to uh make an income if you want to be happy and not a homeless bum like his dad lol

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child? guns

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? both are important

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? what the fuck is tact or making an effort to be friendly and agreeable ever. tbh the crab fishing didn’t help, because it’s a REALLY REALLY toxic working environment. consider it a less-organized military setting, in terms of toxicity. adachi pissed off his irl friends back in alaska and now they’re not friends anymore. now he’s living in japan and well, if you’re rude even by american standards, you’re not gonna get along with people in japan either

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism? “iiiiiii’m the best” - captain kaito adachi, 2017 (in all seriousness he’s somewhat more inclined towards self-reflection these days)

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others? “FUCK YOU EVERYONE IS TO BLAME BUT MYSELF” -capt. kaito adachi (unless it was very very VERY clearly his fault in which case he’ll fess up quickly b/c he’s an honest man. he’s not tactful, but at least he’s honest.)

What does your character like in other people? drive, work ethic, honesty, not being a goddamned moron, sharing his basic philosophy towards this whole murder game thing

What does your character dislike in other people? being an idiot, laziness, dishonesty

How quick is your character to trust someone else? Not Very you have no idea how many kids in this game he didn’t trust right off the bat LOL

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person? Very fast, he has a tendency to jump to one conclusion and stick with it tbh. But he’s not 100% unreasonable surprisingly

How does your character behave around children? you know when you go over to your friend’s house and you get weird vibes from their dad, but it feels more like they’re Just Like That rather than that they’re actively going out of their way to antagonize you. it’s like that. for the record, he grew up in a fairly conservative household where men weren’t supposed to have “caretaker” roles, so he’s kind of internalized that a lot. it’s more that he thinks this is how he’s “supposed” to act around children than anything.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation? he doesn’t “deal with it” he starts it LOL

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? actually usually pretty slow believe it or not. but he’s in a. murder game setting. so there’s that. for the record, at the moment he’s not going to resort to violence anymore except in self defense/defense of people he cares about.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true? a crab man. he is now a crab man. thanks, life.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? not much considering he’s a pretty disgusting person himself

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. The Sea

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable. The Land

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? surprisingly willing to improve if the point is driven home hard enough but if you don’t get to that point, he’s just going to be defensive.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method? keep trying the solution/method that didn’t work the first time. no his first guess was right damnit

How does your character behave around people they like? surprisingly agreeable

How does your character behave around people they dislike? Hiss

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status? status

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat? whatever’s most practical for the objective of self-preservation (and the preservation of those he cares about). much more inclined towards removing the problem/threat tho

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)? one time he got run over by a moose he failed to shoot and that’s his traumatic backstory. he doesn’t trust those damn things anymore

How does your character treat people in service jobs? neutrally. it’s the manager’s job to determine if the employees are doing a good job or not, not him. when back home in america, usually tips well but will only leave an 8% tip if the waiter is clearly being exceptionally rude.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first? Earn Your Keep, Greenhorn. I Had To, Why Can’t You. (kill this man)

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? he has a step-dad does that count

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? nah

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it? very very difficult. adachi cannot say it without meaning it.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? adachi’s parents are irreligious - they’re not Rigid Atheists, it’s just that they grew up in japan in fairly secular households. by contrast, adachi himself grew up in a rural american town that was mostly christian. throughout his childhood, adachi’s friends were fairly pushy about their christianity - and to be frank, he found this culturally insensitive. as such, he’s a bit averse to traditional christian ideas of heaven/hell/etc. as for what adachi himself thinks happens after he dies, he’s not totally sure, but he’s also not sure he cares. he’s determined to live life to the fullest, and whatever happens afterwords is not something he needs to worry about right now.

[pelikinesis]

looong meandering post about ‘gamers,’ political engagement, Pidgeotto, etc.

looks like i might start playing league again. friend of a friend shenanigans means i spent a LOT of time in a voice chat with a bunch of people i’d somewhat hesitantly describe as “college kids with Twitch accounts” and oh wow, collectively they couldn’t go more than ten seconds without referencing someone’s genitalia or using the word ‘gay’ as an insult. I mean, i’ve encountered people like that before and actually someone like that lives with a couple of my friends, minus the genitalia thing actually so that’s an improvement.

so these people were even more...uh, honestly i’m tempted to just call them ‘gamers’ but that seems a little unfair, in much the same way that referring to the USA as ‘America’ is unfair to people from Central America, South America, and America’s Hat, Canada. 

like i’m not on twitch often enough to definitively state that this is a twitch cultural thing, it could just be young-ish guys obsessed with genitalia, their own and/or others, and the whole ‘we like playing videogames and/or watching other people play videogames’ is just a a coincidental connecting point. 

what i’m not certain about is whether or not that’s their main mode of being. the sheer volume of obnoxiousness is either just part of their personalities (an exhausting prospect) or maybe, i wonder if it’s because there were one or two girls in the chat, one of whom at least has been described to me as being attractive. the desire to impress(???) girls is often an exacerbating factor in promoting obnoxious and otherwise inexplicable behavior. I had a friend who cliff-jumped and belly-flopped from pretty damn high up into a natural pool of water, came out the water seizing and developing chest contusions. I’m not saying it’s because there were a lot of girls in the crowd of hikers cheering him on, but i think it would be a bit ungrounded to say that had no impact on his decision making (or sternum). We took him to the ER to check for internal bleeding by the way and he was fine.

i don’t say a whole lot in chat but they think i’m funny (they were trying to assign people in the discord chat to Naruto characters. When it got to my turn, I, who have never watched Naruto, said I wanted to be Pidgeotto) and were impressed by some of my plays (in ARAM as Fiora, Riposte a Caitlyn ult while hitting her with a snowball, using the teleport to travel across half the map and get the kill--and yes, it occurred to me afterwards that I could have just used the snowball travel invulnerability to avoid the Caitlyn ult damage, but I’m rusty and I guess it was more stylish the way I did it) so my interactions with them so far have not been antagonistic. 

whenever i’m in a situation where i’m interacting with a group of people who are very different from me, i find myself absorbing the experience in an (untrained) ethnographic approach, in the sense that I’m more interested in listening and trying to figure out what drives group dynamics than anything else. Like for instance i’m trying to figure out whether the main girl of the group is genuinely cool with the plethora of dick jokes (more than one of the guys also made a joke about how she had both a penis and a vagina, or didn’t have any genitalia, which my amateur psychoanalytic tendency makes me wonder if that’s a necessary conceit they have to construct so they don’t have to think about her as a ‘girl’ because their concept of a ‘girl’ is too narrow to fit her into, or some other such thing as that wasn’t the only strange interaction they had with her)...or if she is actually uncomfortable about that sort of thing and is just tolerating all of it, or if she truly doesn’t care, as she doesn’t really respond to those uh, jokes?

I also am kind of enjoying being the contrast. This is true in other instances as well. At a small open mic in Fullerton where most of the poets there more or less had the same style, I enjoyed performing poems that were very different from that style even though I had some that would have fit. In that instance as well, I wanted to see if that might prompt people to break out of their comfort zones and try something else. And in this discord chat, my humor was comparatively subtle (this isn’t easy to explain unless you’ve played league, but I make a custom status message that just reads ‘Onlime’ which is one letter off from the standard ‘Online’ and I’ve found that noticing this minor deviation leading to a realization that I made it a point to create a custom status that looks like the standard status but just slightly wrong is something people react to with amusement and/or exasperation when they belatedly realize it’s an M not an N) and I didn’t brag when I made plays in-game and let other people point it out if they noticed, whereas most of the guys were constantly talking about blowjobs or saying “oh my god did you just see that play i did?” I’m somewhat interested to see if this affects what I perceive to be an obnoxious homogeneity of obnoxious behavior in that group. It’s something I’ve been curious about for awhile now, most recently with watching supergreatfriend (he’s drastically influenced and expanded my command of sarcasm and shifted it from being caustic and withering, to being upbeat in a cheerful refusal to acknowledge copious absurdity) and contrasting him with other Let’s Players and Youtube gamers. The standard of [internet] behavior seems to be obnoxious and outlandish performativity, like a hyperinflation of personality, and/or a more or less nihilistic strain of irony. For the former I’d say Pewdiepie is of course the extreme end in every awful way, but I would also say Markiplier is, from what I understand, a relatively benign actor who embodies the archetype, and then there’s Trick2G, who is interesting because though the majority of his content now is just him being obnoxious (in a way I do sometimes find entertaining though tbh) he also did start off early on providing informative content and still does some of that as well, which I think shifts him a bit to the side. In terms of the nihilistic strain of irony, I’m mostly thinking of people like Imaqtpie, or Dekar, though perhaps I just don’t ‘get’ what their whole shtick is. But the way I see it, they just says shit and it’s never clear whether they mean it or not. Like a perverse, banal version of the zen sense one gets from reading certain haiku. Did I really just make that comparison? Also, kind of like Andy Kaufman, without any of the craft. But I feel this is something a lot of young-ish people seem to relate to, where a void of meaning and certainty can only be filled by laughter which is in itself like 80% hollow, and I would be tempted to connect that sense to the information overload in an era of global tensions deriving from more or less existential threats to humankind, and of course tensions a little less extinctiony but no less horrific.

i hear people, friends, family, acquaintances, young and old alike, referencing the latest bullshit the Trump administration is trying to pull, and i hear notes of fear, or despair, but almost always bundled into resignation or misguided stoicism. I don’t hear any fight in their words. they’re concerned and aware enough to reference ICE, to reference sexism, to reference the KKK, to reference Charlottesville and Trump’s tweets, but they don’t have any fight in their words. i don’t see any fight in their faces.

i wonder what it’d be like to create a device that could measure the amount of learned helplessness in the world. i wonder what kind of data we could get with that, if it correlates with certain trends, like fascism, like plutocracies, like inequality, like bigotry. This has become quite a tangent.

Which does make me want to reflect on where I am now, because there was a time I had around that same level of resignation to the unfairness of the world. Where I am now, and how I’ve gotten here. It’s probably the case that some of it is a certain predisposition. Then there’s education. I personally think that if the social sciences were competently taught in secondary school, that would drastically alter our political landscape. also if history classes and such weren’t so full of bullshit. It’s not until people look under the hood and have all the different parts explained and how they all work together, that people can really get a grasp on how the fact that there’s room for improvement and get a few handholds and footholds on how to make the changes necessary for those improvements. i’m sure there are other things that have to be done as well.

I’ve been rambling in a stream of consciousness ever since the first few paragraphs. I wonder if this is how the human brain is supposed to work. sometimes I wonder if i’m normal, if i should want to be normal, if i’m actually the most normal human on earth or in all of human history which would mean that one of the most common characteristics of a normal human being is a feeling of insecurity about their own normality. and i’m tempted to think that latter part might actually be true, regardless of the questionable way I arrived at that conclusion.