#tbh it really could have been funny if akira gets scared and makes up really dumb shit

[drac-onion]

Back at it again. A year since I posted Beneath Her Mask. Same thing as last time. Fun facts or just looking back at something I done did write once upon a time exactly a year ago.

This is going to be very "stream of consciousness" and probably hard to read, but here goes.

First off, wow that title sucks. I came up with it like right before posting and then rolled with it. Nowadays I would put off uploading something for MONTHS if I couldn't figure out an original and interesting title. Oops.

Anyway, this one is a lot better than the last one. Promise. The whole thing is a little bit iffy still, but I was very new. The formatting is the main issue I have with. The concept is...fine, although I think I could have gone a little bit further with and then lead into where this one starts. Ya know, inform the reader as to the situation that lead to Makoto's desire to keep everything to herself? But I kinda made it ambiguous on purpose. Good thing I didn't have to follow up on this a few months later... Oh wait. The stakes were just: awkward. No gay panic (like the tags say, oops), no internalized anything, no worries over team cohesion with members of the PTs dating, none of that. If I would ever go back and rewrite this (don't fucking tempt me) I would definitely expand on things a lot more. But hey, I probably shouldn't try and go back and fix all my old stuff. I'd never get anything done otherwise.

Oh yeah, Makoto's "113 decibel alarm clock" is a real thing. I actually have one. I sleep through every other alarm clock out there. The thing is so good, it will actually scare you awake. Pretty nice. (If probably a little too loud for apartment living in Japan where the walls are very thin.)

Oh yeah, and the tense a few times. Annoying.

I dunno why I made it three chapters. It's just over 3.5k words. That would have been fine to keep as a single chapter one-shot, but I think I just had a hard time with having scenes switch mid-chapter. Chapters are a good way to signal a scene switch, but nowadays I'll just use a line break and go with it. I've just improved as a writer, I think, and so now my old mistakes bug the shit out of me.

If I named all the issues I had, I'd be here all day. So, what did I get right with this? I think the concept is alright. The dialogue is good at points. The scene in Leblanc is pretty good. Good guy Sojiro being cool with lesbians (very cool of him). And the text convos at the end are also pretty okay. The "out of your league" comment still gets me for some reason. It's kinda funny.

Also I made a custom dialogue option for Akira, referencing the very first thing he says at the beginning of the story. I think it turned out okay. (I'd like to do more art/edits relevant to my writing. I've thought about making cover/chapter art for my current project. I guess we'll see how I'm feeling. A little wattpad-y of me, but it'd be interesting.)

I'm just now realizing that I should've made the "third option" a little cheeky. Maybe something like "Come here often?" or whatever. Ah well. Next time.

So, overall? It's an improvement. It's not perfect, but it was the second thing I'd ever written. (Once again, I don't count the RE one. I should probably anon it tbh.)

Anyway, that was something. The next "retrospective" (I guess that's what these are now) will be on Beneath Their Masks.

That one is a doozy, and I think I'm going to have a decent amount to say about it. It's also really long, so that's also a thing I'm gonna have to worry about. I'll probably do that on 10/1 because that's when I posted the first chapter. Maybe I'll have enough time to write up mini retrospectives for each chapter? And then post those throughout October? That could be interesting. And tiring. But still, interesting. I could pull the original upload dates since I made a tumblr in between ACIFT and BHM. Although those are going to be VERY spaced out, especially near the end. So much for doing a month's worth of prompts WITHIN the month. But I'll save all my whining for when those go up.

Also, shoutouts again to my beta at the time, @makomaki5. I hope you're doing well.

Anyway, I think that's about it. See ya.

[cherubchoirs]

i hated the maid reveal scene in the anime bc like!!! ren still got all the funny lines i WISHED for but they made him so nervous during all of it and.... ugh when i played i imagined akira saying all of it very seriously and just finding the entire situation both annoying (he was practically dragged into it) and a little funny (because mishima and ryuji were freaking out LOL) but then they had him say "im a dad" while being so visibly nervous and everything ushdjfnf it just didnt make sense

ANON ARE WE THE SAME PERSON BC LIKE EXACTLY!!! i was sooooo disappointed with how they did that scene bc those lines are hilarious and i thought of it the same way you did. i really thought him saying “nice to meow-eet you” was basically him playing into the absolute ridiculousness of the situation and the “i’m a dad” line was him pretty much commenting on how he has to clean up the mess mishima and ryuji got him into. i read it just like you did, that akira was kind of exasperated but also kind of amused, which i like better than the direction the anime went bc mishima and ryuji were already freaking out, why have akira be nervous too??? why not have him play off of them being totally poker-faced and just so OVER how stupid the whole thing is?? i mean maybe i should’t be too judgmental of it, since it at least GAVE him a character, whereas a lot of the scenes left him feeling way more bland, but that’s a problem i have anyway: he’s just not consistent. and also yeah the lines don’t really…suit someone nervous?? i guess it could be making jokes bc he is kind of terrified, but claiming to be a college student would make more sense if you’re that scared in that situation. where would “i’m a dad” come from, esp since we’re not shown in any other scene that he makes up ridiculous shit when he gets nervous. which…could have been a really funny running gag, but by just having it in this one scene, all it does is feel out of place and the lines don’t match his emotions (unless i forgot?? things?? bc again i only saw it once lol). but honestly i can’t overstate how much i agree with ur take and i think it would have been so much funnier to play him as the unwilling participant that now has to take care of his friends’ really stupid decision

[quirklessidiot]

aoba johsai’s sport’s journalist (h/c’s)

just crack+ fluff + platonic-ish relationship (gn!y/n) (w: language!) a/n: this has been bugging me for awhile now since i havent seen headcanons of this yet (if their are do send them on my ask box) and since im on a slump, i decided to write this down. this is completely fun, easy-going, and self-indulgent, really perfect for someone stuck on a slump ksks. idk if i should make some for the other schools but oh welp enjoy! happy 900 btw werkwerk uwu so weird to reach this when im not even very active.

Now let’s be honest here, it’s no surprise that the volleyball team of aoba johsai has their own sports journalist. Like, c’mon, they’re one of the best in the prefecture.

But let’s start with the basics here, shall we? Let’s start with you, how this all goes through, and how you got into this heaping pile of mess.

Yep, you.

There you were in high hopes to get into journalism for college so what better way was it than to apply for the school paper? It would definitely look good and pretty in those college applications *chef’s kiss* you’re a second year btw idk if that matters but yeah..

Much to your surprise no one was applying for the news section which was kind of sad since you wanted a buddy there.

but-but it turns out though everyone was applying for the sports section completely understandable, next to feature, it was the most exciting thing to write because there was going to be a special section and writer for the volleyball team.

You knew that volleyball was kind of a big thing around your school?? you just didn’t expect it to amass like that much people.

The editor in chief is obviously surprised, you were the first person on that day to come in there and actually apply for something else.

and guess where that led you to?

Yep, the sport’s section, specifically the volleyball team’s personal sports journalist. Your brain goes brrt brrt because you were not a sports writer at all and you were, ironically, scared of ball games.

VOLLEYBALL WAS COMPLETELY NEW TERRITORY FOR YOU.

Your editor in chief laughs it off and says, “you’ll do fine… its like news bUT SPORTS! IT’LL DEFINITELY LOOK GOOD IN YOUR APPLICATIONS!”

You’re not sure if you should be terrified or terrified?

It doesn’t help that on the first day when you enter the gym you look terribly constipated and panicking a lot because of all the stray balls being spiked and tossed around.

It also didn’t help that you crash course the terminologies and the member’s name a night before and you were just running on iced coffee that day.

Yeah, way to make a first impression, huh?

When you approach the coach, you’re not exactly sure what to say and you were this close to chickening out until you saw one of the players come up to you and ask if you were alright and if you wanted to talk to oikawa.

you’re loading for a second there.

and the poor guy who asks you if you were alright, starts looking actually worried because you weren’t responding at all.

“OH, oH IS THAT THE CAPTAIN?”

the guy literally looks very confused?? because what kind of rock were you living under that you didn’t know Oikawa???

so you go ahead and introduce yourself and say that your name was Y/N and you were the new sports journalist for the team.

“....soooo you write?”

“...”

at this point on, you’re also confused too

and idk man, first impressions do indeed last because you ended up (unknowingly) sharing the same brain cell with Matsukawa Issei.

you both were just confused there, straight up looking like two kids who got left behind by their mom in the grocery check-out line.

anyways...

He tells you the team’s pretty chill and you should stop looking like they spiked a ball on your puppy or something.

Basically introduces you to the whole team after, 

no questions asked, just go with the flow.

You basically just click and vibe???

Not only because you crash coursed and related to whatever they said, 

you literally all shared the same brain cell together.

Kentaro was another story though, kid basically hated your guts at first, it felt like if you were to say one sentence to him that day, he’d literally spike a ball at your direction.

“we’re basically the same year tho :(” -Y/N

“lmao well do i’ve got news for you, y/n-chan.” - Oikawa and basically everyone on the team.

you gradually start to understand the coolness of the sport since you had to incorporate visiting them once or twice a week during practice.

but suddenly it becomes almost a daily routine after a month because they’re just really friendly people??

like wow, they’re all friendly giants.

You’re literally just there to write about them but they’re really patient and kind, they even invite you to practice games so that you could practice out your skills in writing since you mentioned that you’ve never written for sports yet.

they even give you some added key terms that aren’t found in books and online.

you’re def closest to iwaizumi and matsukawa.

iwaizumi because he makes really funny fish jokes about oikawa (yes you arent supposed to be laughing but man theyre funny af, oikawa would usually call you and iwa corny because the jokes aren’t even that funny) and yes its canon that whenever iwaizumi sees an oikawa fish in textbooks, he starts laughing and joking about it.

no explanation needed why you ended up being close to matsukawa.

its obvious after that first meeting ya both would be besties.

same brain cell bros go brrt brrt.

incredibly!! supportive!! I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH

like when you release a new write up about them, Oikawa would usually go, “It’s such an honor to be apart of your first steps, can you sign this?”

dramatic but hella supportive, we stan the gr8 king

“oh, wow, i thought you said you didn’t write before? how come you sound like a professional already?” - Hanamaki 

another dramatic best boi.

akira + kindaichi getting shy because they’ve never experienced this yet. So whenever you try to interview them about stats or something for a special issue, they usually end up a stuttering mess

“w-well, L/N-san...”

kentaro slowly warming up to you but still looks like he wants to spike a volleyball at your face 90% of the time but unlike before you’re used to his whole thing already.

“Move, extra.”

“You were great, by the way. That was a powerful spike!”

you may or may not be included in random ramen nights with the team

yes, oikawa buys you your own bowl of ramen

itadakimasu.

he doesn’t mind tho, he really loves how you write them. 

so its sort of a thank you for giving the team justice when you write about them.

team says you’re technically part of the team so they make you your own jersey. Now when you watch your games people ask if you’re like the manager or smthng.

“ no :’) “

When they lost against shiratorizawa and karasuno, you were bawling too like you were apart of the team.

this pretty much cheered everyone up despite the loss because your crying face was apparently very funny and memable.

oh right, your article was passed on to the town’s newspaper

it was literally like 7 am on a saturday and your notifs went zoop.

they added you to their group chat and spammed you with pictures of the articles that you wrote.

“...wOW I CAN’T BELIEVE IT?? YOU GOT FRONT PAGE FOR SPORTS???” -Oikawa

“we didn’t even win the tournament but we still get a feature?? thats so cool?? holy shit?? CONGRATS KSKSKS” -matsukawa

lmao idk matsukawa looks like a keyboard smasher tbh idk why

pretty much its normal for you to even start hanging out already outside of the court and after practice to get steam buns.

more chaotic mess and clumsy you running around.

your volleyball sports writing experience wouldn’t be complete until someone accidentally spikes a ball at the back of your head amaright?

ironically, it’s yahaba who does that to you. poor smoll bean.

“wow, you’re dumb.” -kentaro says to you

“ :’)” -you.

“y/N-SAN I SWEAR IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.” -yahaba 

overall, you found yourself in a safe haven with the volleyball team and yes, you also cried when the third years graduated. 

the third years have a picture with everyone on the team + you with a very red face from all the crying?? once again, you’ve proven yourself to be a meme.

continued to write for them up until graduation.

and its def obvious you kept in touch with all of them after, duh.

[redlikeroses16]

Since I was also forced to do all!!! U do all the numbers too!!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?No one tbh2. Are you outgoing or shy?Both3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My dad 4. Are you easy to get along with?Yes 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Yeah6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Honestly, they just need to be nice and I have to be very comfortable with them.7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Nope 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Akira Fudo lol (Besides fictional character, it's my brother tbh)9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?You! :)11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?"Thank you! I'm going to answer them in mobile though."12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Devilman no Uta, Konya Dake- Takkyuu to Tavito (Devilman Crybaby), ZHU Nero- Dreams, PETIT BISCUIT- Sunset Lover, and Snail's House- Hot Milk13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Yes tbh but I need to need to trust them before they can play my hair 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Kinda 15. What good thing happened this summer?It's not really summer yet though 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?No17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Yes18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Nope19. Do you like bubble baths?YES! 20. Do you like your neighbors?Yeah. They seem nice21. What are you bad habits?Biting nails and lips22. Where would you like to travel?Japan 23. Do you have trust issues?Yeah. Sometimes 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Laying in my bed and watch something in my laptop.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?I don't like my body tbh but I guess my face26. What do you do when you wake up?Use my phone lmao27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Nope. I'm fine with my skin color 28. Who are you most comfortable around?My friends 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?I never date anyone.... so no30. Do you ever want to get married?Yes31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yes32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?!!! It's embarrassing to say this but.... um Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth...33. Spell your name with your chin.Dghsgjdhjsh34. Do you play sports? What sports?Nope35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV. MUSIC IS MY LIFE!! I just love listening to music36. Have you ever like someone and never told them?Yeah....37. What do you say during awkward silences?Um...yeah..so.. or I just say nothing 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Nice, respectful, funny, not a liar, doesn't cheat me, and doesn't judge me.39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Hot Topic and Books-A-Million 40. What do you want to do after high school?Go to college 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Hmm. It's really depends on what they have done BUT not cheating though 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?Probably I'm sad, scared or angry 43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space!45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Breakfast 46. What are you paranoid about?Being alone and no one believe me47. Have you ever been high?No48. Have you ever been drunk?Nope49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Not really 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black51. Ever wished you were someone else?Maybe 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?My shyness or being complicated.... (That's what my mother always say to me every day... :/)53. Favourite makeup brand?I don't really have a favorite makeup brand.54. Favourite store?Hot Topic 55. Favourite blog?I prefer not answer this question. Have too many favorite blogs lol56. Favourite colour?Purple!57. Favourite food? Chicken Tamales 58. Last thing you ate?Rice59. First thing you ate this morning?Scrambled eggs! I love it btw 60. Ever won a competition? For what?Nope 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Never 62. Been arrested? For what?No63. Ever been in love? Not really 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Um. I prefer to tell you in message than here65. Are you hungry right now?No. Eating gummi worms now 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I don't want to compare my real life friends to tumblr friends. They're so nice to me and I do appreciate it very much. Even my tumblr friends. Wish I can meet them tbh. I'm so glad to have great friends last year and this year!67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now?No70. Names of your bestfriends? Jocelynne, Maria, Emily, and Amy71. Craving something? What?Chocolate 72. What colour are your towels?Purple 72. How many pillows do you sleep with?Two pillows 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?No74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?I don't have any stuffed animals tbh75. Favourite animal?Cat76. What colour is your underwear?Purple (You can tell purple is my favorite color lol)77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Cookies n Cream 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Black 80. What colour pants?I'm not wearing pants right now81. Favourite tv show?Modern Family82- Favourite movieGintama: The Movie: The Final Chapter: Be Forever Yorozuya (I LOVE THAT MOVIE!! I need to watch it again though)83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Mean Girls 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?21 Jump Street 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Janis or Damian 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory87. First person you talked to today?My step mom 88. Last person you talked to today?My sister 89. Name a person you hate?I don't want to include their name in here...so yeah 90. Name a person you love?I don't love anyone right now.91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Nope 92. In a fight with someone?No93. How many sweatpants do you have?Three94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Three 95. Last movie you watched?I don't remember what movie I watch... Sorry! But I will watch Deadpool with my dad though 96. Favourite actress?Scarlett Johansson 97. Favourite actor?Chris Pratt98. Do you tan a lot?Nope 99. Have any pets?Sadly, I don't have any pets ; - ;100. How are you feeling?Good!101. Do you type fast?Yeah102. Do you regret anything from your past?Yes...103. Can you spell well?Yes, I can spell well!104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Yeah... 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Nope 106. Ever broken someone's heart?Nope. Again, I have never date anyone 107. Have you ever been on a horse?No108. What should you be doing?Cleaning the house and my homework 109. Is something irritating you right now?Not really. I'm fine. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurts?No111. Do you have trust issues?Yeah, I do tbh. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? One of my best friends.  She's a sister to me. It's rare for me to cried in front of anyone tbh113. What was your childhood nickname?Didn't had a childhood nickname. Just my real name. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Nope 115. Do you play the Wii?No, I used to play the Wii though 116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes. Always. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes119. Favourite book?The Giver120. Are you afraid of the dark?No. If I am alone and going somewhere in the dark, then yes. 121. Are you mean?Not really. I'm actually really nice! I can be playfully mean to my friends. Only to the people who are annoying me and don't like them. 122. Is cheating ever okay?NO! Cheating is NOT okay. Don't like people like that.123. Can you keep white shoes clean?No lol124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Nope 125. Do you believe in true love?Yeah126. Are you currently bored? Yes. I'm going to continue watching Samurai Champloo after I post this!127. What makes you happy?My friends and my family 128. Would you change your name?Yes! 129. What your zodiac sign?Capricorn 130. Do you like subway?Hmm. Never tried subway before tbh 131. Your best friend of opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Honestly, I would not know what to say or do. I just see him as a friend. It's going to be awkward for us. 132. Who's the late person you had a deep conversation with?One of my best friends 133. Favourite lyrics right now?"A new brotherhood: This Time"134. Can you count to one million?Maybe 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I can't remember what's my dumbest lie right now 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed137. How tall are you? I'm 5'2! 138. Curly or straight?Both139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette 140. Summer or Winter?Summer 141. Night or Day?Night142. Favourite month?June 143. Are you a vegetarian?Nope 144. Dark, milk, or white chocolate?Milk chocolate 145. Tea or coffee?Coffee 146. Was today a good day?It's an okay day for me tbh147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers 148. What's your favourite quote?"So that's what I choose to do. To keep moving forward."149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what's the first line on that page? I don't have any book with me right now!@mamezuke I hope you can see this!

[katzirra]

Body, listen...

Your TMI fun facts of the day;

So the annoying thing about my brain and body on the sexual reactive front is sometimes body decides it’s gonna do what it wants, even though I am not comprehending, ingesting, nor processing, anything to make it react there.

“Whoops!! You feel that suddenly? No idea where it came from, but have fun with that!!” It’s in that same vein with minding my own business, not remotely thinking about anything, and suddenly my brain will be like “Hey man, you know what would be nice? Going down on a girl.” And I literally scream into the distance. That’s nice for two major reasons anyway; a healthy feeling of control, and man wow, girls are pretty and make pretty faces and sounds~

My personal favorite annoyance is how much I hate the I can’t actually get off, or attempt to, unless I’m in a relationship. I also have to pretty much feel allowed to get off to the idea of my partner too~ What a weird hang up!!

On top of that, if I have any concerns or worries in said relationship? I can’t in good conscious get myself off either. This is especially fun when I feel I’m more into my partner than they are me, which is easily 9/10 tbh?? It becomes like... I don’t know, man. It’s annoying. My ratio of want to get off versus get off is very small. It’s awful.

This essentially means [outside of a relationship] I have little to NO sex drive, and any time I have a spike on my radar of “Hey, I know it’s been a while but, uh, here’s that feeling... I think it’s called... being horny? Don’t quote me on that. But it’s your problem now.” I can’t even do anything about it, because I know I’ll get bored laying there trying to get anywhere, and get frustrated because I don’t meet an end.

It becomes “Go the fuck to bed and avoid it” - like brain can’t adhere to the ‘normal’ shit people do like read or watch stuff, lmao!! But in a relationship it becomes a weird spike event randomy at certain phrases or implied actions that my brain creates a response to, and it’s like “CHILL.” and usually I can’t do anything about it unless purposely provoked or tugged at anyway. Whoop.

Like I’ve actually tried looking into this, if there’s something this is at least CALLED? Or a reason FOR it? All I find is mm, hey I don’t get off with my partner - and it’s like nah dude, the issue is I can only get off when I have one. I’m just. It’s so irritating. The only thing I can think is if this falls on the demisexual scale somehow, because the emotional and such bond to someone - but I don’t know?? But It’s something I periodically look up because?? Why?? Like this?? I just wanna fucking get off some days without worrying about it, geez.

More often than not, I just want to know if this is just part of my attraction focus wheel, or if it’s something I might have mentally blocked out? But it’s not the latter I’m pretty sure, since I have no reason to block sexual ANYTHING out, but I’m just?? Why am I like this? I use to think I was probably asexual, like I had the urges now and then, but it wasn’t like on my list and a bunch of other things - but that’s not the case considering. Like if I have a legitimate emotional and physical attraction I am about it, it’s just that that’s prior to current, never been the situation.

Sexuality and self identification is a wild ride, kids.

Mm. In all honesty, since I’m on the subject anyway, the one person I ever had sex with I just wasn’t even really... there? It’s so strange to me to look back at things and tilt my head realizing how much I was not into K at all...? I was attracted to them aesthetically and some aspects of their personality, but even that I’m just... no, not really. I was used, and I wasn’t respected at all honestly. Nothing actually burns my inner fire more like knowing someone respects me or is proud of me? So a lack of it is just such a bucket of water on EVERYTHING.

Like, it’s so funny when I think of things that make me into someone, or things that are considered ‘turn ons’. There’s basic shit like neck bites and little bites period I love, and light scratching or like just being a little rough handsy period I guess? But then it’s like I THINK ABOUT THAT FUCKING KINK JOKE POST ABOUT “MY KINK IS FEELING APPRECIATED AND LOVED” and someone yelling I’M K*INKSHAMING. Because holy shit though like maybe it’s the leo ego thing with making me feel important?? But literally if I’m into you sexually, it is probably because there’s a mutual respect and I feel safe as well as I find you attractive?? And that’s the hilarious thing is that’s a reason I’m INTO someone?? Make me feel respected and wanted and important to you, and give any kind of little praise and I am le swoon and smitten~ Throw in some physical shit and I am but a WEAK woman completely at your mercy~

But like, that’s the thing. I had rough kisses and laughing during sex, which is what I love... you have to be able to have fun with your partner, I love having fun with a partner. I love a little roughhousing here and there at times - but it’s like... that wasn’t enough. The sex was... bad? Like I enjoy getting a girl off, it feels nice, it sooounds nice, and it looks nice~ I’m good at it, but like... getting me off is a chore if I’m not into it or you, and I know this from first hand experience? - I’m mad at this pun...

But at the time I had explained to them that it was difficult for me, and they insisted they could get me off, and it kinda just turned into me staring at the ceiling, and laughing because the insides of my thighs are way too sensitive and ticklish?? Also they just couldn’t stay on task and I have but the neediest little clit I guess.

But I would up getting bored, lying and just kinda being done lmao. I think I had a better time having phone sex, whoops~ That’s the other thing, is I have a heavy response to sounds and just... man. Played it up and I was just softly and harshly whispers, naaah..

I think the only nice experience sexually with them, was we woke up one morning and I can still feel the temperature of the room and see the colors through the windows and in the room... and just lazily kissing and getting eachother off. Too tired to think or respond really. That was the simplest and nicest thing I can think about the physical side of that weekend.

Like the more I ever reflect on that weekend, which is sadly kind of often because even any time I brush my teeth in my bathroom and catch my reflection? I can literally only think of them coming behind me, hugging me and saying my body was just their liking and... it sucks. Because like, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about this body that I hate? I hate my body. I hate it from my boobs to my baby fat pooch I can’t get rid of, to my thighs I can’t do anything about no matter how much work I do. It’s not that I’m fat that I hate it. Fat is beautiful on people, I just don’t like looking this way for myself. This is not how I want to look. I can work with it and make it pretty, and I look BEAUTIFUL sometimes, but it’s not the body I want to be in.

But that comment haunts me, because I was 20lbs lighter than I am now, and I... that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. So that memory flashes randomly sometimes and I just sort of freeze before shaking my head, because with it comes the whole weekend. That weekend was a nightmare. It was a mistake. I can’t believe I wasted my time and money. I can’t go back in time and change it but it’s just... fuck, dude.

It wasn’t even a good booty call, how terrible is that?

But it’s like...landing there and being WHISKED OFF~ I went to my first con, I went to an Akira exhibit even and wanted to cry... like I was so happy with the chance to see that stuff in PERSON. The Kaneda jacket, the stills, the large sketches, the POSTERS - it was the coolest thing. And there I was with K, who was cheating on their boyfriend at the time. And I was trying to act okay with this, because they were going to dump him. How much of a naive asshole did I have to be? But I mean, there’s more to this story than this so... mm.

But I went down there because I was asked to. Because we’d been ‘dating’ a month, and they’d last seen me two or three months prior. Apparently it was a booty call. A couple hundred miles away... booty call. I laugh now at times because I mean, at least I learned what I like in a bedroom setting or from kisses, but christ.

Like there were cute parts to the weekend, don’t get me wrong... but... mm. Like it’s so much bad stuff?? Or immature shit? Stuff that rubbed me wrong? I love Flo*ence and the Mac*ine but like I still kinda feel a chill up my spine when I hear one of her songs? I ignore it because nO ONE CAN TAKE MUSIC FROM ME. I WILL BECOME IMMUNE AND NUMB TO THE PAIN IN TIME but I just... K drank so fucking much... and DROVE US TO THE HOTEL YELLING THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG and I just remember feeling worried about what was wrong. All I ever do is what is asked of me, and I came there on their request to see me, I went along with everywhere they wanted to take me - I wound up asleep, feeling sick from nerves, them DRAPED behind me... and eventually wound up sitting on the side of the tub holding their hair as they got sick.

Reasons I don’t like margaritas. Too bitter. And they drank a pitcher alone pretty much. -soft hums-

I... just. It was weird. To feel wanted but not wanted. To have someone wash your hair in the shower and steal kisses in the store when you were mid sentence [which I also find adorable and laugh at and love] and... to find yourself not wanting them to touch you when you slept. Feeling odd being requested to cuddle up to them. I wasn’t... attached the way I thought I was? But I was scared to hurt them after a while because they... I mean... they SOBBED on me for five hours about going home. I spent my last day consoling someone when I should have probably been the sobbing one??

Everything is so estranged when I look back... I struggle in things now a days because everything they said to me and promised me. It’s all the ideal things you want to hear. I never imagined getting married before until it was asked of me if I’d ever thought about it. How pretty I’d be.

Just weird shit man. But this is the person who would tell me a year ago I was upset with them for not picking me, and jumping into another relationship? When I was upset because I was tired of trying to be normal friends and being flirted with because I was uncomfortable?

I was upset with being summoned for petting egos and getting emotional fulfillment from, and yet being brushed off and felt... weird even TALKING. I’m so thankful to Stephanie for making me see shit and giving me firepower to tell them to fuck off, because I just... don’t care anymore? I don’t care about them. I can’t imagine their face really even anymore.

I just don’t care. But I just vividly remember shit because that’s what I have to go off of for one, and for two? It’s so fucking strange to pull back and realize I... didnt’ love these people.

I didn’t love any of them beyond mistaking friendship and lineliness for love. And that makes me feel no better than them. Unconsciously using someone versus being used intentionally is different but in the end it’s the same and I just... I think that’s another part of why I’m really vocal about how I feel for Becca. Because it’s different feeling. It’s not just a need for being with someone or to not feel lonely. It’s not a need for anything.

Yes we fight and yes things aren’t always good with communicating but unlike everyone else she gave me the choice to speak up about things and she wants this to work out, and she doesn’t throw her hands up like it’s too much stress even though sometimes it fucking sure seems like it.

It’s different and that’s probably why I dwell on old things so much is because it makes me feel guilty for a second, but it kind of melts away into a weird sadness. Not melancholy but... it just aches a little for the wasted time and effort and emotions? Wasted energy caring abotu stuff I want to put so far behind me...

I respond different. I think different. I still withdraw out of fear, but that’s a reflex. You get punched so many times, you’re going to back away and be small when someone raises a voice. Mm.

CASUALLY MAKES A POST ABOUT BODY NEEDS TO NOT RANDOMLY BE WET FOR NO REASON, ENDS UP GOING ON ABOUT MY BODY IS A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE FOR ME, TOUCHES ON SO SOME DEEP SEEDED SHIT THAT BOTHERS ME, GOES INTO HOW I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, WRAPS UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND I’M GAY.

FUCKING, KAT POSTS.